Untitled Pablo Sand Project

Issue #6: Loss.docx

 For Emilie and Emily

Contributors

Ember Kelley is a theology student, a transgender activist, and works for

the Marx Engles Lenin Institute. Read her tweets @CommieTheology
Kieren is a non-binary octopus from Florida who writes in spite of
everything. Read their tweets @_Octillery

Victor does shit on line, most notable as Twiter user @TheVictasticK and
musician James Gameboy. Hows that going for him? Fine. He has fun.

Pablo Sand is alive, and maybe you are too. They tweet @WeirdBirdPal
and have one podcast in the works and another in its first season, you can
listen to it here: https://soundcloud.com/user-604854792/gachapon-talkbox-
japari-park-season-pass-episode-mommy-domme-hippopotamus#t=0:00
its a look at the anime Kemono Friends. Pablo would like to thank the sun,
for all it does, without which, all of this would be impossible.

Hyposomnia by Pablo Sand

Im drifting out of this world and into whatevers next.

I knew you before in a past life, Im not that person anymore
And youre not that person you were either.

Theres a certain release in it

Killing your old Self and birthing yourself again and again.

When I was much younger I used to hate myself with every fiber of my
being
I couldnt see growth as anything but a ritual killing of your past Self.
With time, I healed, sure, but hurry the fuck up, dude!!!

Flat Top Tony and the Purple Canoes by Pablo Sand

I used to know a guy
He was afraid he wasnt authentic enough.
He stressed over whether he was too mainstream for life
He followed all the buzz blogs to see who the new buzz bands were.
That guy was the most inauthentic person I ever knew.
His quest for a new normalcy was utterly bizarre
The new gospel will be found on stereogum.

He abandoned every aspect of who he was, his entire identity and traded it
off for the thoughts and feelings of total strangers he knew online.

In a way were all like that, constantly destroying our Self in order to find
another. To meet the approval of some unseen Greek chorus.
That guys dead now, btw.
Or rather that version of him is. Hes much better now.

A Picture
By Victor aka James Gameboy

Ive never felt compelled to take a picture. Even when I see a dog. Maybe
sometimes when I see a funny sign or a good landscape, but those are
subjects covered by those much more skilled and popular than I.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, than a large number of people are
just writing I was once again awake for the sunrise this morning hundreds
of times over. Not that they dont look nice, I suppose. But you cant judge
someones worth by their ability to be outside at a specific time. Its almost
like they happen every damn day.
Id rather use my thousand words. Most peoples pictures are stupid. Not
that my words arent stupid, I suppose. But at least you know for sure I
spent time with them, unlike a photo, which is basically the shortest
measure of time we have.
Some people are really good at taking pictures, though. And they still
photograph sunrises, usually with a little tag about how blessed they feel or
how free they are as an artist at this time. Its not bad at all. Ill stick with my
stupid words.
Maybe Ive never felt compelled to take a picture because Im not very
good at it.

Bedsheets by Kieren
Did you know that my mind
Is a patchwork quitl, warm and protecting you,
From the monsters under your bed;
Even though its summer,
And you might drown in your sweat, but if you do,
I will be your burial shroud,
Self-sacrificial, however proud I am
To hold you.

Why?
-Ember Kelley

To live,
is to be dying.
living paradox

You want meaning?

You want answers?

Meaning is found
in our questions.
Living contradiction.
The dialectic of your heartbeat.

Untitled by Kieren
What if I wrote something that
Absolved me of the
Responsibility of interacting with ghosts;
An omnibus of all the times Ive been haunted & harrowed, an
Untold narrative brought to light
(harsher than the sun rays.)
Wherever the rainbow bends its
Terminal photons.
Become places where I no
Longer have faith in anything
Less than ephemeral.
I no longer have faith in the
Spirit that cannot see beyond a radiance
That frames me in this negative exposure.

An Elegy For Emily by Pablo Sand

Emily Plank.
Just saying the name is hard for me. Its been a year and a half and its still
hard.
It probably always will be.
I love you, Em.
I lived a decade under your influence and I was so blessed and so so so
lucky for it.
Ill never forget you. You, or your memory.

I remember the day we met: it will be permanently etched into the etch-a-
sketch of my mind
No shaking that one.
We were attending the nerd camp for gifted and talented teens at the
college wed later attend together. I never asked you because it was
understood but that camp mustve affected both of us a lot because we
were the only campers to actually attend the school.
We were assigned to be scene partners by Mr. Dubin. We did a scene
from The Comedy of Errors.
I was your Dromio. You would break character and lose your shit laughing
whenever Id say marry, sir.

You absolutely hated me then. You thought I was a pretentious idiot. And
frankly? At 16, yeah, I was one, Im not gonna deny that.
For whatever reason we kept in contact. We gave each other our AIM
handles (man 2006 was different).
We talked at least once a week, we were both busy with school and our
respective drama clubs.
Whatever the reason we grew close. I think we were both missing
something in our lives as children that we got in each other. Intellectual
challenge, being around another artist, whatever it was , we found it in each
other.

The next year I lucked out and there was a spot at camp even though Id be
a senior and a year too old to attend normally. We saw each other all the
time and it was great. Ill never forget the day my mom came to pick me up
on the last day.
You were in a tree with some boy and I didnt notice and you were laughing
that no one noticed you up there. My mom looks up and yelled at you to
get down and stop making out. Years later youd laugh and ask me how
she knew what you were doing up there.

When I was a freshman at college and you were a senior, I had it rough.
Until I got cast as an understudy in the musical I had very few friends. I
really didnt fit in and people didnt want to get to know me. I was finding
who I was. There were a million reasons. I was depressed and suicidal
because of all of it but almost every day without fail you managed to talk to
me and help me get through the day. I never thanked you for that, Em, and
I never will be able to.
But thats the beautiful thing about you, you did so much for so many
people
And never expected a thank you. Or anything, really. It was just what you
did.
You were a healer.

I thought about transferring or dropping out all the time because I wasnt
happy, you told me to wait a year and youd be there too with me. You
were going through a rough breakup and listening to the soundtrack of The
Last Five Years like anyone into musical theatre does when theyre going
through a breakup. You sent it to me and I got engrossed in it for a week.

I was so proud of the Spitfire Grill: the musical we did my freshman year. It
was the first and only time I was in a musical even if I never actually got to
perform. I did an understudy for an important role of a mute character, god
I wish I took that audition seriously so you couldve seen me act.
You didnt like Nicoles performance. You claimed she was out of key and it
ruined the whole production for you because you have perfect pitch. You
had that kind of ego/view of yourself/whatever it was teenage artists have.
You grew a lot in college so Im not gonna hold it against you, you know
thats a weird and rude thing to say about a performance.

We never got to share a stage. When I acted you were in crew and when
you acted I was in crew. I wish we got to share a stage one more time.
When you finally got to college we did, indeed, have a blast. You were a
very polarizing figure.
People either loved you or hated you, it had to match your intensity. You
were very intense.
And passionate.

I wish people treated you better, like you deserved. But Im glad you
stopped giving your time and energy to people who didnt deserve it. Im
glad you broke up with all your loser ex-boyfriends who didnt get you.
I was the dramaturg for Equus and got to see you in your first role at
college, a horse. You were great. You were legitimately terrifying as a
horse, you really sold the play. Remember when I said Peter Schaffer was
one of the best playwrights of the 20th century and he needs to start getting
his due respect and the respondent from the American College Theatre
Festival shut me down and just kept saying whoa whoa whoa lets not get
too ahead of ourselves there.

You grew so much in Fabios acting class. We all did. Everything before
his classes, youre just fucking around. Youre just having fun. No matter
how dedicated you think you are to your craft, he takes everything you
knew and turns it on his head. He goes into your comfort zone and drags
you out kicking and screaming, he breaks you of all the habits you had. Im
so glad he moved onto Kent State and is doing bigger and better things
than that small time college we attended.

Your sensual scene with Jacob in class, lying on the table together as
lovers. You were incredible, Em.

All of college is a blur and its hard to separate the memories or establish a
clear timeline, my mental breakdown really did a number on my memory for
those years, sorry.
One thing Ill never forget is the summer between your junior and senior
years where I had to stay at the school an extra year because I failed
theatre history, among other things.
You were working at the IT department and wed chat all day to keep you
occupied, Id recommend you tv show after show to watch in your idle
hours, of which there were many (there werent many students to have
problems in the summer). Youd come over on your lunch break, youd
smoke and Id talk and wed have a good time.
I remember sitting in the moonlight listening to The Mountain Goats at the
birthday party at your house with you, Bekah, and Brandon, that was a
perfect and enchanted night.
I remember when we kissed in your ex-boyfriends dorm room when he
was getting us alcohol.
That was nice.
Im really sorry we didnt work out when we tried to be more than friends. I
was still failing and trying to heal from an unhealthy relationship and I
wasnt ready for anyone. You know who Im talking about. I should have
listened to you all those times you tried to tell me to leave her and get out.
You told me so many times you decided to just speak to me in Mountain
Goats lyrics when I talked about her. That was a pro move, to be honest.
It wasnt fair to you and Im sorry.

You made living in a hosue off-campus incredible. Whenever I wanted to

have people over you brought the party with you. You lit up the room when
you walked in. Remember when you threw a syringe you found in my
couch from goodwill and it landed in Megs lap and she freaked out?? That
was quite the night. (Everything was ok in the end).

You were one of the first people I told I was dropping out, that I couldnt go
on any more in school. That school. There.
You were one of the first people I came out to as transgender. You had
nothing but love and acceptance about it. I remember coming out again to
Erin and Matt in your room in your apartment with Brandon and it was
nothing but love and acceptance again. Being friends with you is like
being hugged with warm white light, its just pure and accepting.
The last time I saw you was when I visited you and Brandon in the
December of 2014. It was a great stay. I left my meds at home so I was in
a weird place and I was unable to sleep but neither of you two minded
much. I didnt mind much when you pushed my buttons and would
facetiously talk about social issues negatively to get under my skin and get
a rise out of me. You loved to push peoples buttons, no one did it quite
like you.

I sat next to Brandon at your funeral. Hes a brother to me and weve been
through so much together. I cant believe we had to go through that
together, we were both emotional wrecks. When they played the recording
of you singing Hallelujah it was too much. I almost had to step outside.
Your voice is divine.
To honor you, and to pay tribute to you there was an open mic at the
funreal. I tried reading this poem, or what would become this poem but I
locked up. I didnt have stage fright or anything, I was just so overwhelmed
with emotion. Im sorry.
Its something else and its really sick seeing people who didnt care for you
talk about you like they miss you. It pisses me off to see the people who
talked about you behind your back say theyll never forget you. Im sorry,
Im sorry. I wish we spent more time together. Thats clich, thats bathos,
but it doesnt matter. Its fucking true.
I still cant believe youre gone. Youre really gone. Ive lost people I cared
about a lot before but it was the first time I lost one of my peers. 24 is too
young. I know its an accident but I still fall into magical thinking, that youll
come back.
Well I hope one day I see you again. Id love that a lot.
Gone, but never forgotten. You made your mark on the map of my heart.