Sell My Musty Old Couch for God?

Sit on a Tack, Preacher!

By Patricia Backora

Those religious carnival clowns are at it again. Apparently they realize

that those who are soft-headed, or desperate, enough to fall for their
tired old tricks are flat broke and barely have enough cash to keep body
and soul together.

I thought Id seen it all when a rich TV preacher lady brazenly begged

sweet little old grandmas for their grocery money. Think of it. These
religious panhandlers own three or four sprawling mansions apiece, with
swimming pools, tennis courts and servants. They fly all over the world
in private jets. They dine at five-star restaurants. They shop at the most
exclusive stores for designer duds and fancy jewelry. Then they come on
TV begging viewers to send in money they need to live on, to save their
ministry. Either the viewer coughs up the cash or Gods hands are too
tied to save people from going to hell, and so if we dont pander to these
pimps the blood of sinners will be on our hands and we might go to hell
too, to roast hotdogs with Homer Simpson. So send in your best offering
to the man of god or god will zap you!

God asks in Isa.50:2: Is my hand shortened that it cannot save? Then, in

his next words God declares His power over the forces of nature. How
much money does God need to keep the entire universe running? Does
God have to pay the electric company to keep the stars shining? How
much money did Jesus need to save the thief on the cross, or feed the
five thousand?
I was clearing junk out of my email when I came across one character
who keeps popping back up, after repeated attempts to dump him in the
spam folder: Ill call him Prophet Pinhead. Theres been a disturbing trend
in recent years. If you want to intimidate other Christians into serving
and worshipping you, call yourself a prophet instead of a brother in
Christ. When a preacher prances around as a pumped-up prosperity
prophet, people stand in awe of his aura of mysterious heavenly majesty
and open their wallets wide to honor the alleged representative of god on
earth.

Ever wonder why kings and queens used to smother themselves in gold
jewelry, diamonds, rubies, pearls, furs, and fancy velvets? To set
themselves above the rest of humanity and make others feel inferior.
False prophets wear fancy clothes and diamond Rolexes to advertise their
superiority as spiritual giants in the kingdom of god. Instead of barking
threats from a massive throne to collect tribute, these prophets for profit
holler and scream, do a silly song and dance and misquote the sacred
names of God to put on a veneer of spiritual superiority to intimidate
ordinary Christians and make them pay up. But underneath it all, theyre
pathetic parasites who think theyre too good to sweat at some boring job
like everybody else, so they can actually earn the finer things of life.

Now, about the couch. Now what was the subject of Prophet Pinheads
email? Sell your couch for God! I got so offended by the idea the
Almighty God of creation needs me to sacrifice my ratty old couch I
refused to open the email or dignify it with an appropriate response.

Now I know theres billions of lazy couch potatoes out there who might
benefit from a little exercise if they had no couch to lay on all day. But
this fund-raising appeal is even more scandalous than begging for sweet
little grandmas grocery money. Preachers arent satisfied with emptying
your fridge, now theyre after your furniture! Once content with pinching
the pennies of the poor, now those yard sale billionaires lust after
peoples odds and ends.

Id be happy to ship the couch to Prophet Pinhead if hed pay P&H, plus a
finders fee. Is he so hard up he needs to plunder its cushions for buried
treasure? Believe me, Ive already frisked it and found nothing but
wadded old tissues and dirty sox.

On more than one occasion Jesus did urge people to sell their possessions
to raise money. BUT, the proceeds werer to go TO THE POOR, not some
rich TV preacher or super prophet. In the Book of Acts, the early church
sold lands, houses and goods. But what did they do with the proceeds?
Acts 4:34-35 gives us the answer.

34 Neither was there any among them that lacked: for as

many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them,
and brought the prices of the things that were sold,
35 And laid them down at the apostles' feet: and
distribution was made unto every man according as he
had need.
Money from the sale of private property WAS sold in the early church, but
only for charitable purposes. The churchs first priority was charity begins
at home. That money was presented to Christs true apostles, not some
self-appointed prophet who profits from lies about the kingdom of god.
The apostles did not use Gods money to live high off the hog. They
made sure the poor were provided for, and the widows were fed, not
robbed the way they are today in churches around the world.

BTW, while it is true that the earliest churches lived a communal lifestyle
and had common ownership of all things, selling your own private
property was entirely voluntary, not some binding church ordinance, as
Peter makes clear to Ananias in Acts 5:4. Christians still lived in their own
homes. Throughout the NT, Paul held meetings in numerous private
homes, where the head of that household is named. In I Cor.11:34 Paul
urges those who come to the church fellowship meal but are too hungry
to wait for latecomers to first eat in their own homes before they come to
the meeting. So preachers cannot appeal to scripture to put the squeeze
on folks to sell their homes for money to make them richer.

Like the hypocritical Pharisees denounced by Jesus for devouring widows

houses, greedy preachers pray. Preachers prey on weak and vulnerable
souls, and plunder their meager resources. Preachers threaten lesser
sinners with a trip downstairs while they break Exodus 20:17, the law
against coveting other peoples stuff.

Sell my vintage sofa to keep some fat cat preacher up in style? Not on
your life, Mr. Preach. My living room is so tiny my cats live in a bigger
space. So my sofa is the only piece of furniture company has to sit on,
besides a few dining chairs. That tattered vinyl sofa, with its stubborn
stains, cigarette scars, dust bunnies and corroded crevices, is so homely I
cant pay the Salvation Army to take it off my hands. But that old sofa
has been with me through thick and thin. It has so much sentimental
value Id never dream of giving it up to fuel your insatiable lust for
money. But I just might be willing to swap it for your buttery-soft
leather sectional with the gold-studded upholstery.

Now hows that for sacrificial Christian charity?

A video version of this story:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEAl2EVuqCI