Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Fritz! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to
improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
Your draft contains colorful and vivid descriptions of your experience at the fair, Fritz. This a great way
to let your readers imagine the points you are trying to raise and this is a commendable way to put
emphasis on certain ideas. Here is a great excerpt from your draft:

The ice cream cones that were on display were in a variety of colors from red with green
sugared cubes swirling down the sides of the cones, while a few others of similar design I
noticed, but instead were the colors of gold and pink.

*Fritz 9759365 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:
Your thesis statement does not precisely preview your essay about the specific aspects of the fair
which made it fun for you:
My first time visiting the Miami fair, was also the craziest celebration I've ever had.
In your essay, you talk about specific things about the fair which made it crazy and fun for you.
However, you do not mention these specific topics in your thesis statement. This might leave your
readers unprepared for the rest of your essay; they might not know what to expect from it.
Which parts of the fair did you like? What about it made it fun for you? Which ones will be
discussed in each body paragraph in your essay? Consider being more specific in your thesis
statement. In it, you might want to identify the specific topics that you cover in your essay. It
might help to go over your essay again to take note of those topics. Afterwards, you might want
to integrate these into your thesis statement. Take a look at this sample thesis statement for a
similar essay:
The failure of the project was mostly caused by inadequate planning, negligence on the
part of the engineers, and the sudden storm that hit the venue.
This sample thesis statement identifies three specific causes for the failure of a project. Consider
using it as a model for when you revise your own. If you need more help, you might also want to
read the chapter on Developing a Thesis from the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.
Content Development
I am concerned about some of your points that are underdeveloped, Fritz. This issue may leave
unanswered questions in your readers heads regarding why kids would only focus on getting on the
rides and nothing else.

A well-developed idea leaves the reader feeling that the information given is thorough and complete.
One good way to develop ideas is through making a point, providing an example, and explaining how
that point relates to your thesis. Consider following this framework whenever you develop your ideas:

P: Make a point: In this park it seemed like the only thing that mattered, was finding
yourself in one of these lines for the ride you wanted to get on.

I: Illustrate the point: Why is this so? Why is this the only thing that mattered to
children in the park?

E: Explain how this point relates to the thesis.

*Fritz 9759365 has requested that you respond to the Transitions:
Fritz, some of your paragraphs do not smoothly transition into each other. This is a problem because
readers have no way of knowing the relationship between the ideas, so they cant understand the
point. Look at these excerpts from your draft:

An earlier paragraph ends with this sentence:

As I saw all those other young children rushing towards the lines to get a spot for a ride, I
found myself running to join the trend on this beautiful sunny day, hoping to find a spot so
that I would be able to get on a ride as well.

Then, the next paragraph abruptly begins with this:

Each ride was a different design throughout the park, and I made sure to take advantage of
that by riding as many as possible.

How is the earlier idea about rushing to get a spot on the ride relevant to the different designs of the
rides in the park? Obviously, they are different things that you found great about the park. However,
the lack of transitional words before the second factor makes that relationship unclear.

A good essay must use transitions within paragraphs and especially between paragraphs to preserve
the logical flow of the essay. An essay without good transitions is like a series of isolated islands; the
reader will struggle to get from one point to the next. Use transitions as bridges between your ideas.
In this case, it seems like you are adding additional facts or information to prove your thesis.
Thus, you may start your paragraphs with these words:

as well, and, additionally, furthermore, also, too, in addition, another, besides, moreover

Select the most appropriate transitional word or phrase to ensure smooth transitions between your
ideas. Also, you may read more about in your Smooth Transitions Smarthinking Writers Handbook.

Summary of Next Steps:

Create a concise thesis statement.

Develop your ideas well.

Make your paragraphs transition smoothly into each other.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Fritz! Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
What's the first thing that comes to mind when it's your birthday? If you're like myself the moment your
month comes creeping around the corner, and then your entire being begins to be filled with
excitement. As you cross out and erase the days from the calendar, the moment where now you know in
just a few days it's going to be your moment in the sun light. Before you're thinking about what you'll be
getting, you're too busy fantasizing about how the celebration is going to be. To busy wondering if this
birthday will be bigger, and better than the last one. My first time visiting the Miami fair, was also the
craziest celebration I've ever had. [What are the specific points about your trip to the fair that will be
discussed in the paper? Remember to outline the specific topics of the paper to complete your thesis
and better guide your readers!]

The fair was definitely a sight to behold, as I had walked passed the silver double gates that led us
through to the entrance park, you could hear the sound of laughter from other young children who
walked by with their parents, heading towards a destination of their own in this theme park. People of
different complexions, and diverse ethnic backgrounds one could easily spot, this place was like a soup
bowl for people who came from all different parts of the world. You could tell by their complexions, and
the mixture of languages they spoke. Standing pass the entrance gate my young mind was still able to
make out some of the random conversations that would be happening all around me. There were people
speaking Spanish, some were speaking French, and a few other languages, but my young mind could not
make out the others. In this park it seemed like the only thing that mattered, was finding yourself in one
of these lines for the ride you wanted to get on. As I saw all those other young children rushing towards
the lines to get a spot for a ride, I found myself running to join the trend on this beautiful sunny day,
hoping to find a spot so that I would be able to get on a ride as well.

Each ride was a different design throughout the park, and I made sure to take advantage of that by riding
as many as possible. Some of the rides I was able to get on were lavished with all types of colors painted
on them like the rainbow, other rides stuck to a simple one colored theme. Each roller coaster had a
different function in the way it operated, some of the rides would shoot me straight up from the ground
as if taking you to the heavens themselves, only to propel you back towards the ground in a matter of
seconds. Another ride that I loved would have you dangling in midair as you were strap to the harvest of
a car seat with one other passenger, and then you would hang upside down at least ninety feet in midair
for a few seconds before beginning to spin clockwise in a circular motion. [What about this ride made
you love it so much? Let your readers know more about what made this ride memorable.] I remember
my little frame shaking with fear as the speed of the ride increased with the motion of its swing, and I
remembered praying that there would be no malfunction. The truth however was that the sensation of
not having any control of oneself as you got on each ride, that's what made the ride exciting.

In addition to the fancy rides which took the breath of every passenger that would dare to get on, one
couldnt walk ten steps in the park without their nostrils being filled by a nearby delicacy. Food stands
were in every corner in this theme park, and the people gathered around each stand like pigeons being
summoned around crumbs of bread on the floor. It appeared that this place sold everything, and after a
few rides I could feel my stomach beginning to tense up, that tightening sensation indicated that it was
time to enjoy some of these food stands which had begun to make my mouth water. A particular white
food stand with the words hot turkey leg written on the roof of the shed caught my interest that day.
This would be my first time eating a turkey leg, and the name gain my curiosity. Also It was completely
up to me to pick which turkey leg I wanted, the middle aged woman who worked at the shed told me,
and at that moment I remembered asking myself if I really wanted to get a turkey leg. [ This sentence
contains introductory elements that arent separated from the main sentence. Use commas to
separate them from each other. (e.g. Finally, the rebels surrendered after months of protests.)] I had
this thought because the legs were huge in size, and I remember at that age I didn't usually have such a
big appetite. I remember holding the turkey leg in one hand and gazing at it, and thinking about how this
turkey leg was the size of a five year old childs arm, and so thick that it made me second guess if this
was really a turkeys leg, and not some type of different animal meat, and if I could actually finish a
portion of food that size. I really had a wild imagination back then, especially when it came to finding
things to compare other things with.

Even more for those with a sweet tooth like myself this place was candy land, there were ice cream
stands in between all the stands that sold solid foods, so you never had to go far for a tasty treat. There
were ice cream cones so decorated with different flavors and sugars that it would make the most
exquisite Christmas tree seem poor in comparison, by the amount of different flavored colored sugars
that were attach to the ice cream cones. The cones were all sorts of colors that were appealing to the
eye, as they hanged on the display windows of each ice cream stand. The ice cream cones that were on
display were in a variety of colors from red with green sugared cubes swirling down the sides of the
cones, while a few others of similar design I noticed, but instead were the colors of gold and pink.

To conclude, in this place your eyes were either fixated on the disorienting rides which were above you,
or they were glued on all the people who walked the fair around you while at the same time consuming
something fattening in their hands. As a child this was the best surprise birthday party one could have
ask for. Standing by one of the ice cream stands in the park holding two chocolate ice cream cones as
they melted down my hands. Taking a moment just to stand still in one stop, and allowing myself just to
be able to absorb all the activities that I had done today, from the rides that I got the chance to ride, and
the food snacks that I enjoyed. This birthday had become one that would always be cherished, when I
think about the places I've visited in Miami.