Have

you ever wondered what

your purpose in life is?
Have you ever wondered why the same
negative things seem to happen again and again?
Have you ever wished that you could live someone
else’s life because yours is so difficult?
Do the concepts of religion and spirituality confuse or
intrigue you?
Do you know how to pray?
Do your prayers get answered?
Take a journey with Kevan Rice and you will find
the answers to these questions. Told with disarming
humility and honesty, Kevan’s story will provide you
with a spiritual view and understanding of God and His
universe, explained in a very simple and logical way. You
will identify with many of the lessons he has learned on
his life’s path, lessons that you
will be able to apply practically in your own
life, as you strive towards your own
serenity.

IS B N 978 -1- 9 2014 3 - 3 8 -1

A journey of spiritual discovery

Kevan M. Rice
 This is a true story, however, some names have been changed.

“We are not a victim of circumstance;

we create the circumstances from the choices we make”

Kevan M. Rice
November 2008

The Truth Awakening Foundation

info@truthawakening.org
www.truthawakening.org

Copyright © Kevan M. Rice, 2008

kevan@truthawakening.co.za

Cover image and concept created by Irene Eccles. designed by Jonanda Carstens
from June Viljoen Design Print

Design and origination by 30° South Publishers (Pty) Ltd.

Printed and bound by Pinetown Printers, Durban

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored,

manipulated in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any mechanical, electronic
form or by any other means, without the prior written authority of the publishers,
except for book reviews. Any person who engages in any unauthorized activity in
relation to this publication shall be liable to criminal prosecution and claims for
civil and criminal damages.

ISBN: 978-1-920143-38-1

Foreword
Growing up
The soldier
The university dropout
My career—part 1
My first love, my first heartache
Getting married, the first time
Starting my own business
The collapse of my first marriage
Getting married, the second time
My career—part 2
The cracks appear in my second marriage
My career—part 3
The demise of my second marriage
My third significant relationship
My career—part 4
My fourth significant relationship—part 1
6 7
My fifth significant relationship—my awakening 172
My fourth significant relationship—part 2 207
My career—part 5 232
Single again but not for long 237
8 If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again? 251
10 My career—the final chapter 257
18 The nest becomes emptier 260
31 Full circle 263
36 The Big C—a test of my faith 281
42 A summary of my spiritual beliefs and understandings 287
There is a God, but only one God
44 The Bible
Multiple journeys/soul lessons/karmic debts
48 Choices, we have to make them
Jesus Christ, our perfect role model
58 Earth is hell, hell is Earth
Soul ages
Soul families/soul genders/karmic relationships
67
How does each journey begin?
How does each journey end?
78
Déjà vu—links to previous journeys
The best piece of advice you could ever receive
82 Is helping someone always helping someone?
A universal law to live your life by
88 Does Satan exist?
103 A summary of my 100 life lessons learned 300
115 My Angel’s prayers 312
124 A dedication to my Angel 317
141 You can make a difference 319
 and wrote. While I was the typist, I do not claim credit for what has
been written and the form that it took. I would love to, but I can’t. The
format highlights and extracts various life lessons that I have learned
throughout my journey. Many of these lessons might not have been
so apparent at the time, but looking back now I am able to determine
when I learned them. Interestingly, without any planning or intent, I ended
At the time I started writing this book, I had no idea why I was doing up highlighting exactly 100 lessons learned. Strange, but true.
it. I have never had a desire or any intention to write a book. I woke up Hopefully you will find it an interesting story that ultimately
one morning early in January 2006 and I just knew in my gut I had to provides a spiritual view and understanding of God and His universe,
do it. Perhaps it was a cathartic experience that was necessary for me explained in a very simple and logical way, one that is easy enough for
to complete or maybe, it might one day be read by another person and anyone to understand. I hope you enjoy reading it.
be the catalyst to awaken the spiritual awareness and understanding in
that person’s life. God Bless
Due to the nature of my journey I was only able to realize and
understand it when I was almost 43 years of age. This was my destiny.
I felt that it was important to share all the stages of my life, up until
November 2008, as these experiences were part and parcel of my
journey. It is not easy for me to admit to many of the negative things
that I have done and the manner in which I behaved at times, but it is
essential in order to show that we are souls on a journey, in a human
vessel, and we make mistakes. In my case, often. If it were so easy,
then we would get it right the first time, just like Jesus Christ did.
I would like to thank God for everything that He has provided me
with—the blessings and the challenges. It is through these opportunities
that I have been able to experience most facets of life—love and hurt,
happiness and sadness, relative wealth and poverty, success and failure.
It is through these experiences that I am who I am. I would also like to
thank the many people who have been part of my life, as they were the
ones that enabled me to experience and grow. Without them, I would
not have learned the lessons that I needed to, or been able to share
with them, that which I was destined to.
I never planned the format or the contents of the book; I sat down

8 9

My name is Kevan Malcolm Rice. I was born on the 1 June 1961 in
the town of Mufalira in what was then known as Northern Rhodesia,
now Zambia. My parents were originally from South Africa but had
moved north as my father decided to work on the copper mines in
Zambia. I was the second child born some eleven and a half months
after my sister.
Yes my name Kevan is spelt with an ‘a’ not an ‘i’ which is the
conventional way of spelling it. I have always joked that I am not
conventional and I suppose in many ways I have tried not to conform
to whatever is regarded as ‘the norm’. So why is my name spelt
differently? It’s my father’s doing. When my sister was born my parents
decided to name her Linda, but my mother wanted to spell her name
differently i.e. Lynda. So she gave my father strict instructions from her
maternity bed to go and register their firstborn, and spell her name as
they had agreed. Unfortunately in my father’s enthusiasm to register
the birth he totally forgot about the spelling, much to the dismay of
my mother. In the end all was forgiven and forgotten and some eleven
and a half months later I was born. My parents decided to name me
Kevin, but my father, who had the memory of an elephant when he
wanted to, had not forgotten. He decided to surprise my mother with
his initiative and so when he registered my presence on earth he spelt
my first name differently, to rectify his mistake of the past.
Within a year or two my parents decided to move back to South
Africa and according to history I grew up in the southern suburbs
of Johannesburg. My brother Mark was born a little over three years
after I was born. I recall very little of my early childhood, in fact I only
10
Growing up
have a single memory of what I believe was our first house, which
was in Rosettenville. I do, however, have a large framed collage of
photographs given to me by family to commemorate my 40th birthday,
which contains some early pictures of that period of time. One such
picture shows a scene of a boy of about three years old looking
distinctly concerned, given the fact that his sister was trying to marry
him! Perhaps that left me with a lasting impression about marriage or
maybe it just confirms that my sister has great taste!
My parents then built a house in the newly established suburb of
Ridgeway, a suburb that seemed a long distance from Rosettenville at
the time. We moved there when I was about seven or eight years old
and I lived there for the next 12 years of my life.
I was, for most of my school life, the typical South African child.
I was fortunate though, in that I am intelligent and barely had to
make any effort with my studies to achieve good grades. I pursued an
active sports life but I was just an average-to-above-average sportsman
who participated in athletics, rugby, soccer, cricket and basketball. In
primary school, I learned to play chess and became one of the top
chess players in the school. I was a leader of sorts and besides being
a prefect, I captained many teams that I participated in. As I reflect
back on my school days, I can now see how often I tried to hide my
intelligence and did whatever it took (mostly extremely naughty
escapades) to ensure that I was seen as ‘one of the boys’. Nerds were
distinctly ‘uncool’, even in those days.
Lessons learned:
1. Be proud of your gifts and capabilities and be true to yourself.
2. Strive for people to accept you for what you are and not what you think they
want you to be.
Back in those days we were typical middle-class citizens which
provided us with many benefits. From primary-school right through
11
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
to high school, our parents had the time to be actively involved in
our sporting experiences. My parents would attend all the games and
act as the lift club to take us to our away games; my dad got involved
coaching various soccer sides etc. Their weekends revolved around
our extramurals, from their boys’ sports or their daughter’s dancing
or drum-majorettes activities. We were privileged. My parents had
started their own business; they worked long hours, mostly after
normal working hours, so that they could still invest huge amounts of
time in our extramural activities.
From a young age I had aspirations of being a pilot. I was doing
reasonably well at my high school, Sir John Adamson, from standard 6
(grade 8) to standard 8 (grade 10). At that time Sir John was not really
recognized for its academic achievements, so my parents and I decided
that in order for me to achieve the best possible grades, I should go to
an academic school for my last two years of high school. My parents
then enrolled me into Damelin College, which was located in the
Johannesburg city centre. This was quite an adjustment for me at first
as it meant making new friends, which was something I was never
good at as I am generally a fairly shy person. It did, however, have
some great benefits, such as not having to wear a school uniform. You
could wear whatever you liked, besides jeans, but you had to wear a tie!
In addition, you could grow your hair long; something that, with the
benefit of hindsight, I am extremely grateful for as I became bald in
my mid twenties! Fortunately I have photographic evidence to prove
that I could blow-dry my hair with the best of them!
What I did discover about myself in those early years, was that my
friends generally tended to be older than me. I never purposely set out
to make friends with older people; it just came naturally. For example
when I was 16 or 17 years old, my friends would be between 18 and 21
years old. I was always regarded as being mature for my age, so I had
no problem fitting in and adapting.
12
Growing up
Lessons learned:
3. Be thankful for the sacrifices that others have made to enable you to live
your journey. Acknowledge them while you can, as you never know when
they are destined to complete their journey and depart this planet.
My parents had an interesting relationship. There is no doubt in my
mind that they really did love each other, but their relationship was
tumultuous at times. They were both extremely stubborn. I suppose I
could compare it to two dogs trying to determine who the alpha male
is. Mostly they were affectionate toward each other, always holding
hands, calling each other little pet names such as ‘love’ or ‘darling’—
when they were not fighting that is. In fact, it was always easy to
know when they were fighting as they resorted to calling each other
by their first names, so when we heard an ‘Aubrey’ or a ‘Sheila’, we
knew there was drama in our household. When they were fighting
it could go on for days, like a battle of attrition—neither would want
to give in and make peace as that would surely be a sign of weakness.
Sadly, we the kids, were usually brought into the midst of the battle
zone. On occasion, when it was a really serious situation, we would
be summoned before my parents and asked to choose which parent
we each wanted to stay with. I cannot remember how many times
we were subjected to this, but I clearly remember one of the earlier
times when I was in primary school, so I was probably about nine or
ten at the time. As parents, how can you expect young kids to stand
in front of you and choose one of you? It is ridiculous and even at
that young age, none of us actually ‘chose’ one over the other, at least
not that I can remember. Despite many of these terrible incidents my
parents never got divorced, but that did not mean that we grew up in a
‘stable’ environment. Perhaps that is why all three of us kids have been
married more than once?
One of the greatest lessons I have learned from my father was
when I was about 12 or 13 years old. My father was an insurance loss
13
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
adjustor, which was the term that he liked to put on his business cards
and letterheads. To us more simple folk we know these people as
insurance assessors—those cruel people who always tell you that you
are underinsured, so the insurance company can pay you out a lesser
amount than the damages you may have suffered. Anyway, he had his
own business and I believe he was always fair.
Insurance claims, almost always, required items which had been
stolen or damaged, to be replaced. The insurance companies had
special arrangements with various stores for furniture, household
appliances, electrical appliances etc. As my father sent the insured
‘victims’ to these stores, he was a big revenue-generator for them. As
a resul the store owners would always try and curry favour with him.
Every year in December a flood of gifts would arrive at our house
to say thank you to my dad for his support. Most of these gifts were
expensive and we could have used them as we could not afford them.
Without fail, he would then have every one of the gifts returned. This
was terrible for us kids to see because we could have put them to good
use. While we shed our crocodile tears, my father simply told us that if
he ever accepted a gift then the person providing the gift might believe
that my father owed them a favour—a position he would not allow
himself to be in. He said he supported those stores because they had
good products, at good prices, and provided a good service. If that ever
changed he would have no problem replacing them. He did not want
to feel obligated to them and by accepting gifts he’d possibly feel guilty
about moving the business elsewhere.
This value or moral if you will, has had an enormous impact on my
personal and business life. I have never ‘wined and dined’ business
prospects until such time that they had placed their business with
me. Then I only did it as a thank-you gesture. I have never offered
suppliers or customers any form of kick-back or incentives for them to
do business with me. In fact, I often avoid purchasing anything from
my customers, in case they feel obliged to give me a special discount.
14
Growing up
In the instances where I have purchased from my clients, I have made
it clear up front that I will only do so if they do not try to offer me a
discount. Perhaps I am a bit extreme about this, but then again I guess
I am guilty of being extreme about a lot of things.
Lessons learned:
4. As a parent try and keep your domestic squabbles and arguments private
and away from your children. Fighting in front of them causes pain and
insecurity in children, especially when they are relatively young.
5. Never ever ask your children to choose one parent over the other. If there
is no solution to making your relationship work, then you as the parent
must make the decisions and communicate what you have agreed to your
children.
6. Never allow yourself to be put into a position that may compromise you at a
later stage, by accepting offers, gifts or incentives from anyone.
On the spiritual or religious front, my parents, and to a lesser extent
myself, made some changes over the years. We were brought up as
Roman Catholics (are there any other types of Catholics?). I was
baptized and did the Holy Communion and Confirmation bits as well.
In fact, we went to church fairly regularly. I also remember having that
special Saturday-afternoon privilege of sitting in a claustrophobic box,
telling another man about all my so-called sins. I have clear memories
of my questioning this illogical procedure. I thought that if God was
so clever, why did I have to tell another man about what I had done,
because surely He would have seen me doing it? And, why did I have
to tell another man; why couldn’t I just tell God directly? I guess I
was never in favour of the ‘middle man’ modus operandi. What also
perturbed me from a young age were the people that attended the
Catholic Church. I had many Lebanese friends whose fathers owned
‘bucket shops’, a euphemism for illegal bookmakers. I knew this was
against the law, yet these men were seen as the pillars of the church,
15
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery Growing up

who were constantly praised for their financial contributions and the manages to get a ticket on the plane. It didn’t seem fair or consistent,
like. This seemed somewhat hypocritical to me at the time. But we so I was in no rush to join the clan.
continued to go to church. Another concern I had about them was the so-called miracle-healing
I think it was when I was about 14 years old that my parents decided that they constantly put on show. I do believe that miracles can and
to move to another church. Somehow they ended up going to what do happen but I didn’t believe in the churches’ commercialization of
was then considered to be a new-style church. It was less formal or God’s healing powers. In my humble opinion, I believed the difference
structured compared to where they had come from. It may well have between the traditional religions and reborn Christianity was that
been Rhema or something similar and they came back all excited some enterprises were run by priests/ministers, while others were run
about the fact that they had now become reborn Christians. I was not by businessmen. In either case they were chasing after your money to
particularly interested in this and shied away from it. The great news fuel the empires that they were trying to build and, in many instances,
for me was that I no longer had to go to the Catholic church. In fact, purely for their own indulgence. To this day, even though I eventually
by that stage, I had managed to worm my way out of going to any became a reborn Christian at the age of 20, my opinion about religious
church, despite the protestations of my parents. They were intensely institutions remains the same.
committed to their new path and they tried valiantly to get their kids
to join them. It wasn’t too long afterwards that my sister and brother
became reborn Christians as well, but not me—for some reason I was
holding back.
On the surface, reborn Christianity seemed to be a lot more sensible
and more liberal. The fact that they played music, danced, clapped,
hugged and hugged again was different. I was going through a phase
of questioning everything and I questioned religion in particular. I
have always believed in Jesus Christ and what he did, I have always
believed there is a God, so neither of these issues troubled me. What did
trouble me about the whole thing was that if you were not reborn i.e.
you haven’t confessed that Jesus is your Lord and Saviour, you would
not make it to heaven. I have always believed that Hindus, Muslims
and Jews worship and believe in the same God as I do. I could not
reconcile how a very religious Muslim, Hindu or Jew who had lived
his life doing good, practising his faith and helping his community,
would miss the jet plane to heaven, just because he was not a reborn
Christian. Another argument I had was that if a murderer genuinely
feels his remorse prior to his death and becomes a reborn Christian, he

16 17

I matriculated from Damelin at the age of 17½ and proceeded to join
the army. In those days we had military conscription, which in simple
terms meant that you were compelled to accept an invitation for free
food, natty clothes and lodging for a period of two years. At the time,
I was still keen to become a pilot and although I had submitted my
application to join the air force, I was initially drafted to 4 SAI (4th
South African Infantry Battalion), based in Middelburg in the Eastern
Transvaal (now Mpumalanga).
After a few weeks of basic training I was sent to an air force base
in Pretoria for candidate-pilot selection. By that stage, any youthful,
glamorous expectations of being a pilot in the military had been blown
out of the window. This was only after a few weeks of basic training and
being chased around. Mostly this indoctrination was supplied by half-
wits who could not spell ‘army’, but because they had two stripes on
their arm, they expected to be treated and obeyed like gods. The racial
indoctrination that was dished out by these half-wits and the general
disorganization that I experienced on a daily basis made me question
whether I could commit to the air force on a permanent-force basis.
Nonetheless, I joined several hundred other wannabe pilots in Pretoria
to undergo the many different physical, medical and intellectual tests
that were part of the selection process. If memory serves me correctly
they only selected approximately 20 individuals from the hundreds of
applicants. I passed all the various tests and made it to a shortlist of 30-
odd hopefuls. We were then interviewed by a selection panel which
consisted of several high-ranking officers who bombarded you with
all sorts of questions. I seem to recall that this is where I came unstuck,
18
The soldier
as I have never been shy to venture an opinion, given the opportunity.
I probably said something I shouldn’t have—it may have been accurate
but I probably said it at an inopportune time. As it turned out I was
not going to be faced with the dilemma of deciding whether or not to
join the permanent force. They concluded that I was not to be one of
the 20 ideal pilot candidates and I was dispatched back to the infantry
battalion to be trained to shoot terrorists and possibly learn to manage
my opinions.
Lessons learned:
7. It is important to dream and more important to pursue your dreams, even
if in the end your dream does not meet your expectations or you happen to
change your mind.
8. At times you will encounter people of lesser spiritual or mental maturity than
yourself, learn to accept them and do not judge them as they have their own
journey to travel, which is neither more nor less important than that of your
own.
Upon my return to 4 SAI, I decided I wanted to join the officers’
training course which was based at the Infantry School in Oudtshoorn
in the southeastern Cape. Unfortunately I was too late. The selection
process had taken place while I was ‘mouthing off’ in Pretoria. This
left me with precious little choice so I went with the best alternative
specialist training opportunity and joined the Army Intelligence
Corps. Yes, we all know that the two words are an oxymoron and
should never be used in the same sentence, let alone one after the
other, but hey! I had to do something that might impress the young
ladies I met on my first weekend pass!
After about four months of intense ‘training’, we were ready for our
first mini border-tour. I use the word ‘training’ reservedly because it was
purely a form of basic human degradation and political indoctrination.
For some of the half-wits with two stripes, it was a period during
19
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
which they were able to indulge in their sadomasochistic fantasies.
My first border tour was to the Zimbabwe–Rhodesian border for a
period of six weeks. So there I was, not yet 18, running around the
bush looking for terrorists, i.e. black people, to shoot. Ironically, at that
age I was not allowed to drive a vehicle, I could not vote and I was not
allowed to legally buy alcohol. And yet everyone in South Africa was
resting peacefully knowing the full might of our military force was
protecting them! Scary! Not the border but the public’s naiveté.
Prior to our introductory, all-expenses-paid tour to the exotic
Rhodesian border we were promised a four-day weekend pass on our
return. This was because we were due to serve a three-month stint
on what was then referred to as the South West African (SWA) border
and we were due to depart the week following our return from the
Rhodesian border. Just before we got back from our six-week tour we
were told, for no apparent reason, that our leave had been cancelled.
Instead we could have a visitors’ day at the base in Middelburg on the
Sunday to say farewell to our loved ones. Needless to say this caused
great unhappiness and I, in my quest for fairness and consistency,
decided to do something about it.
Displaying great leadership—or idiotic lunacy—I managed to
garner the support of in excess of 80 per cent of the troops who were
affected by this hugely inconsiderate change of plans made by the
high-ranking officers. So I planned my first military operation which
I codenamed ‘Operation Play Fair’. The plan was simple—when we
returned to our base camp at Middelburg and after all the preparations
for the border tour the following week were completed we would
leave the base en masse. This was planned for late on the Wednesday
night; we believed we had every right to enjoy the four-day break we
had been promised. We all agreed to be back by 18h00 on the Sunday
evening. The plan sounded fair and reasonable to me. At least 120
other dedicated, fearless soldiers had given me their word that they
were committed to the operation. I felt that there was little that the
20
The soldier
powers-that-be could do to us—after all, we had strength in numbers.
That was the theory. In the end, there were only 12 of us that stuck to
the plan. So much for my other comrades—you know the dedicated,
fearless soldiers I mentioned earlier! I received a call at home early on
the Thursday morning to inform me that I should get back to the base
as “all hell was breaking loose”. Our sergeant-major was threatening
to have us arrested, subjected to a court martial and then shot at dawn
as we were cowards who had deserted in the face of the enemy and
blah blah blah … I made a decision to go back on the Sunday morning
with my parents and share the visitors’ day with them. I figured that,
although I was a deserting coward, there was no way that they were
going to shoot me, and certainly not in front of my parents. Of course
I was worried, concerned and nervous but I had made a choice and I
had to deal with the consequences.
In the end it wasn’t too bad. The 12 of us were christened the ‘Dirty
Dozen’ by the sergeant-major. We were given a good working over in
terms of physical punishment; you know 14 gazillion push-ups, running
with cases of rifle ammunition etc. This punishment was extended
into the fully paid, totally sold-out tour to the luscious northern region
of SWA. We were entrusted with the important tasks of digging lots of
latrines (‘long drops’ as they were known—no functional description
is necessary) in the base camp situated in Oshivello where we had to
acclimatize. After about two weeks they disbanded the ‘Dirty Dozen’
and life went back to normal; army normal that is.
Lessons learned:
9. Pursue your beliefs if they are aligned with your principles.
10. Do not expect people to always do what they say, despite assurances they
may give you.
11. Accept that there are consequences to every decision you make and be
prepared to deal with those consequences without blaming other people.
21
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
After our acclimatization period we were moved further north to a
base called Ogongo, which was the headquarters of 52 SAI Battalion.
I was stationed there for a period of almost 18 months, as I served
out the balance of my compulsory two-year army vacation. It was a
particularly interesting and exciting period during which I was involved
in the planning and execution of many military operations although
this time they were sanctioned, unlike ‘Operation Play Fair’.
During this period I met an individual who has been the most
influential leader I have ever been exposed to. His name was
Commandant James Richard Hills, an ex-Parabat who was appointed
as the commanding officer of 52 SAI. I had already been there for
almost three months when he arrived and decided to change things
quite dramatically in our little paradise. Despite his extremely English
name, he could barely speak a word of English. By this time, I mostly
spoke Afrikaans anyway, so it was not too much of a problem. He
redesigned the camp, the trenches (foxholes), the positions of the tents
etc. This required a lot of labour so we were not too excited about this
‘extreme makeover—army edition’. What made things worse was that
there was hardly any water in the camp so it was not always possible to
shower. We were somewhat reluctant to work up a sweat in the searing
heat without being able to wash afterwards. As it turned out, within a
week of the camp’s ‘extreme makeover’, we were mortar-bombed one
night and had the camp not been changed, we would have suffered
severe casualties. Suddenly we were all pretty keen to follow his lead.
A hilarious event occurred during the mortar-bombing. Harry,
a fellow intelligence officer, who shared a tent with me and two
others, had returned from two weeks’ leave on the same day that we
had finished moving the tents and had dug the new trenches. In the
middle of the night when the first bombs started exploding, he was
still somewhat disorientated as he had been sleeping peacefully for
the past two weeks. Eventually he remembered where he was and out
of pure habit ran and dived in the direction of where the trenches
22
The soldier
had been. Needless to say he landed face first, on hard sand. We all
witnessed this event and collapsed laughing for the next few minutes,
so much so that we paid little attention to the bombing itself.
Despite Commandant Hills’ seniority in terms of rank, he treated
everyone as equals. He would not make you do anything that he
would not do himself; in most instances he would do it first, then tell
you to do it. He was a fitness ‘freak’ (i.e. an obsessive fanatic with a
passion) and whenever we were in base we had the pleasure of having
to run ten kilometres every afternoon, in full kit, around a dusty track.
The minor fact that we had no water to shower in afterwards would
certainly not deter his fondness for physical expression. He would run
in the front, dictating the pace, demonstrating how to do 100 push-
ups, fully kitted, as a way of taking a breather during the run, before
making us do the same. Now this was distinctly different to all of the
other striped half-wits that loved sending us on little jaunts all over
the place while they relaxed under the shade of some tree drinking an
ice-cold soda.
In a short period of time Commandant Hills had the whole battalion
eating out of his hand. There was nothing we would not do for him.
He never seemed to issue commands. I grew quite fond of him and
despite my lowly rank, yes I had become one of those striped species,
but never a half-wit though, he would always seek my opinion on the
many operations we planned. These operations were conducted both
within the SWA territory as well as within Angola, which was only a
few kilometres away. He had a permanent force captain as his chief of
intelligence, who he could call on, but for some reason he valued my
opinion. In fact, maybe it would be fair to say that this particular captain
was not the ‘sharpest tool in the shed’. On one occasion, when we were
in the base, I for some reason decided not to wear my boots and walked
into the intelligence room wearing sandals with my uniform. He asked
me why I was not wearing my boots and I quickly informed him that I
had tonsillitis, so I couldn’t wear them. He grunted “Okay” and walked
23
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
off. Probably an hour or so later, he came back to ask me what tonsillitis
had to do with the fact that I couldn’t wear boots. I couldn’t stop myself
from bursting out into a fit of laughter—fortunately he saw the funny
side of it. I had won the battle, but he won the war as he ordered me to
go and put my boots on.
I recall an incident when Commandant Hills came and woke me
up in my tent at about 03h00 so that I could “tear holes” in his plan.
Despite the hour and his rank, I negotiated that he would go and
make me coffee and I would report for duty in a couple of minutes.
As always, his plans were meticulous and well thought out—seldom
could I pick holes in them. Even so, I always enjoyed these encounters
when I attempted to match wits with this experienced, professional
soldier.
On the many operations that he and I participated in we shared
another personal challenge. Out in the bush at dawn it was customary
for the lower-ranking soldier to make the higher-ranking officer his
early-morning coffee. I have already stated that I tend to rebel against
what is considered to be the norm, if it does not make sense to me.
This particular custom did not make sense to me so Commandant
Hills would lie there in his sleeping bag and starting urging me to
fulfil my ‘duty’. He would say:
“Soutie, asseblief, kom maak vir jou Kommandant ‘n bietjie koffie.”
which basically means:
“Englishman, please make your Commandant some coffee.”
To which I would always reply:
“Nee, Kommandant, ek kan nie lekker koffie maak nie. Kommandant maak
beter koffie as ek.”
which loosely translated means:
“No, Commandant, I can’t make decent coffee. You make better
coffee than me.”
Normally what followed was that he would curse, get up and make
us both coffee. This little game happened every day that we were in
24
The soldier
the bush. Not once did I make him coffee and not once did he pull
rank and order me to do so.
During my time there I witnessed many ugly incidents but that is
part of war. Fortunately there were many memorable ones as well.
One of my duties was to interrogate captured prisoners. From the
outset, I want to state that I never ever personally touched a prisoner
nor did I ever give any orders for anyone else to do so. During any
interrogation my role was to ask questions, to obtain information.
This is not to say that these interrogations were harmless. Sadly some
humans derive immense pleasure from hurting others. It is something
I never condoned, but could not prevent.
In one amusing interrogation, we had a prisoner who was talking in
riddles and professing to be a soldier of all of the various armies that
were operating during those times. He was first MPLA, then SWAPO,
then he told us he was from FNLA and finally he decided that he
was from Tuiswag (the local SWA territory force). A new intelligence
officer had just joined our battalion and this was his first interrogation.
We had a local black interpreter who was trying his best to explain to
the prisoner that if he didn’t co-operate he would end up suffering
severe pain. After some time the new intelligence officer lost his cool
and pressed his 9mm pistol against the prisoner’s forehead and started
screaming at him that he was going to shoot him. He then quickly
pulled his firearm downward towards the ground and squeezed off a
shot. The shot happened to go through the interpreter’s boot, which
made him jump around holding his injured foot, yelling with pain.
This was so funny that even the prisoner packed up laughing. We were
in hysterics and the officer stormed off in a huff. So much for his
baptism in interrogation. Fortunately the bullet had not damaged any
bones in the interpreter’s foot; in fact it went straight through and was
able to heal quickly.
While I was up on the border my sister decided to get married.
During my hectic partying days while still at Damelin College, I had
25
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
a group of friends that were a few years older than me. There was one
character by the name of Ricky who was a fighter, a Romeo, a good
dancer, the South African version of John Travolta. Yes, those were the
days of ‘Saturday Night Fever’. The only thing that Ricky loved more
than his reflection in the mirror was himself. Linda had asked me to
introduce him. I was dead against it as they were like oil and vinegar.
After much pressure from her I eventually did, and sure as night
follows day, they got involved and fell in love. Soon after that marriage
plans unfolded. Linda had told me about the wedding date and I said
that if I could manage to get leave from the border, I would attend
the wedding, but it was unlikely. I spoke to Commandant Hills and
he kindly agreed to give me seven days’ leave and a train ticket from
Grootfontein to Johannesburg. The train ticket was a pretty standard
thing for border leave but nobody actually used it as it would take you
three days by train to get there and another three days back. Great for
seven days’ leave don’t you think? The norm was to trade this ticket
in and pay in the difference for a South African Airways (SAA) flight
from Windhoek to Johannesburg. For once I would conform to the
norm. I decided not to tell Linda the good news and to surprise her
with my attaendance.
Two days before my official leave was due to start I had to accompany
a dead terrorist’s body from our Ogongo base to Oshakati. We had no
morgues or cooler rooms so the corpse had been brewing in the plastic
body bag for a day or two prior to my departure. It was a typically hot
day in May and I was sitting in a Buffel, which was an open troop-
carrier. At the end of a trip of about 80 minutes, I was proud of myself
as I had not spilled my breakfast all over the body bag. When we arrived
at Oshakati I bade farewell to my precious cargo. We had some time to
kill while we waited for our rations vehicle to be replenished. Someone
mentioned that there was a convoy leaving from Oshakati to Tsumeb
a few hours later. This was an ideal opportunity because I figured I
would be able to get to Tsumeb in time to catch another convoy from
26
The soldier
Tsumeb to Windhoek. The only issue was that I wasn’t prepared for a
trip back to South Africa as all I was wearing was my uniform with a
short-sleeve shirt; I had my rifle, no wallet, in fact nothing. I decided
to contact my base via radio and asked to speak to Commandant Hills.
I told him that although it was two days earlier than my leave was
scheduled it was an ideal opportunity. After some persuasion he finally
agreed to let me go. He sent through authorization for Oshakati to
issue me a train ticket. Now all I had to do was to put some money
together so I could pay for the air ticket. I spoke to some soldiers who’d
accompanied me on the trip and took all the cash they had. In return, I
gave them the key for my locker which contained my wallet; I was on
my way. I caught a ride in the convoy and headed to Tsumeb.
The trip was slow. We ended up missing the convoy that left for
Windhoek. No problem, I decided to hitchhike. This was not too
dangerous as at that time there was little terrorist activity so far south.
Not for a second did I think it would be difficult to get lifts from the
local population as I was a soldier who was risking his life to defend
their country. Wrong. I managed to eventually get a lift to a small town
called Otjiwarongo and there I stood. In May the evenings are cool to
cold and I was standing in my short sleeves at midnight with not a soul
in sight. The local police chief saw me and asked me what I was up
to. I explained that I was trying to get to Windhoek to catch a flight
back. He said that there was no way that I would get a lift that night
so he invited me to sleep in his brand-new jail. He even promised not
to lock it! He said he would wake me up at 05h00 so I could catch the
train to Windhoek which should get me there by about 08h00. This
was a double first—I was the first person to sleep in the brand-new
jail and it was the first time and hopefully the only time I would ever
have the privilege of sleeping in jail. True to his word he woke me and
took me to the station, or more correctly walked me there, after all this
was a very small town.
I arrived in Windhoek by 08h00, but I needed to get to the travel
27
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
agent by no later than 08h30, as they had a shuttle that left from their
offices at 08h35 to get to the airport which, due to the terrain, was
located a long way out of town. I scrambled off the train, tried to find
a bus but no luck. I asked where the travel agency was and started
to run. I was running down the main street and when I looked at
the time, I knew I wasn’t going to make it. So I did the next best
thing. At the traffic lights a car had stopped on red and his passenger
door was unlocked. I opened the door and barked: “Get me to this
address and quickly!” He obviously got a fright seeing an armed man,
albeit in uniform, jump into his car, but he did what he was told and I
managed to get there on time. I finally got to the airport and boarded a
Swiss Air Boeing 747 flight that had flown from Zurich via Windhoek
en route to Johannesburg. I must have looked a mess; I was dusty,
unshaven, red-eyed and pissed off with the local population. Wisely
the passengers kept their distance, possibly because of my somewhat
dishevelled appearance or maybe it was because of my body odour? I
am not sure. Not important; I was on my way home.
Nobody knew I was coming home so I wasn’t getting excited to
see my greeting party as I stepped off the plane. I could have called
my parents but decided to take the shuttle service from the airport to
Braamfontein. From there I walked across the bridge and quite a long
way to where my sister worked. If I was going to surprise her, I may as
well do it properly. While walking through downtown Johannesburg
a car backfired. Instinctively I hit the ground and had my rifle in
the firing position. This was just like another day back at the ‘office’
except I was thousands of kilometres away from real danger. People
fled screaming around me. I suddenly realized what I had done and
if I could have swallowed myself I would have. I slowly got back to
my feet and slunk off. You would have thought that they might have
understood! Anyway the surprise and joy on Linda’s face was worth
all the trouble that I had taken to get there. I was able to attend her
wedding.
28
The soldier
My last encounter with Commandant Hills was on the morning of
my final day on the border early in December 1980. My two other
intelligence comrades who had spent the last 18 months with me at 52
SAI and I, were due to depart via vehicle from Ogongo to Oshakati
(Sector 10 headquarters). From there we would travel to Ondangwa
(Air Force Headquarters) from where we would fly on a military plane
back to South Africa. Flights from Ondangwa at this time of the year
were always fully booked, as the permanent force members would fly
back to South Africa for their December vacations. If you missed your
flight then you could end up waiting for days before you got lucky.
As it happened, on this day the vehicle convoy from Ogongo had
been cancelled for some reason. This made me extremely unhappy
and clearly it was visible to Commandant Hills as he walked into the
intelligence room. He asked me what the problem was and I explained
our predicament. He asked me why this was so important to me and
I said that after 18 months on the border (although I had had one
week of leave every six months) I just wanted to get back to civilian
life. He then left the room and returned about 30 minutes later to tell
us to get our butts to the helicopter pad, that a Puma troop-carrying
helicopter was due to land any minute to come and fetch us and drop
us off at Ondangwa, so that we could make our flight back home. I
was astounded. Here he had requested a large helicopter to fly from
Ondangwa to fetch us. I don’t know what strings he pulled or what
reasons he gave because this unnecessary use of military transport is
a ‘no no’ at any time, let alone during military operations. He came to
me, shook my hand, hugged me and said probably the only English
words that he had ever spoken to me: “Soutie, look after yourself.”
With that he turned and left and we scampered off to the helicopter
pad.
That was the end of my military experience. After two years, I left
the army at the age of nineteen and a half. I had seen and experienced
lots of horrendous situations, seen the cheapness of life, seen young
29
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
African teenagers with little or no training lose their lives fighting
because they had to, because if they did not they and their families
would have been killed anyway. I had seen friends lose their lives,
seen friends lose limbs, and seen the futility of someone else’s war that
was unwinnable. It was only a question of time until we withdrew our
forces. I knew it then but I did not expect it to take so many years to
eventually happen. There were upsides though—I was young, I was
alive, I now had my driver’s licence, I could now vote and I could now
legally buy alcohol!
Lessons learned:
12. A position or station or rank that you may hold in life does not mean you
are a leader.
13 A true leader leads by example.
14. A true leader treats all people equally.
15. A true leader does not expect you to do anything that they cannot do
themselves.
16. A true leader never commands you to do anything; they request that you
do it.
17. A true leader earns your respect as they want you to respect them, and not
their position or rank or station in life.
30
Given that I had decided, or more accurately, it was decided on my
behalf, that I was no longer going to be a pilot, I had to start thinking
about another career. One of the advantages of spending 18 months on
the SWA border was that you had ample time on your hands to think.
I cannot quite remember exactly when I came to the life-shattering
decision that I would become a chartered accountant, but I can assure
you that this decision was not brought about as a consequence of
smoking some special blend in the bush. Sadly, I have never been able
to smoke, so I have never been able to enjoy the alternative dimensions
of thought that can be induced by smoking some of Durban’s ‘finest
poison’. As I have said earlier, during my school days I always tried to
be ‘one of the boys’ so in standard 6 (grade 8), I joined Billy Russell
who lived around the corner, for my first peer-induced smoke in his
parents’ caravan which was parked in their garden. With the benefit
of experience, I have always wondered why he chose that confined
location to puff away in as his parents did not smoke and surely they
would have been able to smell it a mile away? I tried a few puffs and
then inhaled; boy! did it taste terrible and besides choking my lungs
out, Billy had to help me put my eyeballs back into their sockets. After
a couple of puffs I gave up and decided that there were other ways of
proving that you were a man. Thus the possibility of me and ‘sweet
Mary Jane’ ever hooking up became an impossibility. Lots of people
have, on different occasions, suggested I should try eating those
special ‘cookies’, but that can’t be the same as the real thing. What
does not make sense to me about eating cookies rather than smoking,
is the phase during which you supposedly get really hungry after
31
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
smoking the weed—how can you get hungry after scoffing so many
cookies? The only comparison that comes to mind is the sex-versus-
masturbation alternative. Both end up with the same result, but which
is more enjoyable? Get the picture?
It seems my mind is wandering somewhat, I started on the topic
of a career as an accountant and ended up discussing the merits of
marijuana. I am not quite sure what they have in common but perhaps
if accountants were forced to smoke it they would no longer wear grey
suits and shoes?
So I decided that after my paid vacation in foreign lands, I would go
to university to study for a BComm (Bachelor of Commerce) degree,
and then move on to qualify as a CA. Why do they call it a ‘bachelor’s’
degree? I know many married people who have graduated with this
degree. I had always taken accountancy as a subject in school and
had always obtained a distinction for the subject. My parents were
happy about my choice and they were willing to pay for my university
education. In those days this was substantially more expensive than
school fees, unlike today, where it is the reverse due to the wonderful
education system prevailing in South Africa. But no, in typical ‘me’
fashion, I decided that I was going to pay for my studies. I am not sure
why I had taken this stance besides being stubborn—a trait that I have
managed to excel at for most of my life. Perhaps if the truth be told,
as kids, my sister, brother and I had lived our lives being constantly
reminded by our parents how much they had done and sacrificed
for us. So it might have been me rebelling or perhaps it was just me
deciding that I was now more than able to look after myself. So I
decided that withthe ‘huge’ savings I had accumulated in SWA—with
my normal pay as well as my danger-pay allowance—I would fund my
first year of study and either obtain a student loan or a bursary for the
remaining years.
And so in early 1981, I became a full-time student at Wits (University
of the Witwatersrand). My early experiences of university were
32
The university dropout
quite mixed, having come from a disciplined military environment;
I enjoyed the freedom of doing what I wanted, when I wanted. If I
decided not to go to a lecture I didn’t have to and nobody gave a damn.
I could work as hard as I wanted and I could party whenever I wanted.
I do, however, recall that I was somewhat frustrated by the immaturity
of most of the first-year students. During the years of conscription
you could apply for a postponement in order to complete your tertiary
education. The vast majority of young males (I hesitate to call them
men) chose to study first and get shot at later. Perhaps they were hoping
that conscription would be reduced in time, which a few years later it
was—to one year, the lucky bastards. Perhaps they thought that if they
were educated, they could become commissioned officers and get a
desk job at a military base close to home. Their wise choice to study
first was to my detriment as, given my recent experiences, I found
almost all of them extremely young and immature. I had graduated
from being a shy, reticent kid to a shy reticent ‘man’, with a you-kids-
know-nothing-about-life attitude. And who said that the army gave
you nothing in return?
I suppose the first sign that I wasn’t destined to become an accountant
was when my huge savings account became depleted after a couple of
months. This wasn’t entirely my fault as I had been taken away from
civilian life for a period of two years and in this period I had no idea
of how expensive things had become. I am not sure of the official
government-published statistics for inflation at that time, but I am
pretty sure that it was rampant. This is assuming that any government-
published fact is believable of course! Probably my free-of-charge
helicopter flight had played a small part in this, but things were clearly
pricier than I had first counted on. So there I was, a 20-year-old ‘man’
with a bright future ahead of me but almost broke and not for the last
time in my life either.
Upon hearing my financial challenges my parents were quick to say
they would be glad to assist, but did I mention that I was stubborn? No
33
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery The university dropout

problem—here I was a ‘war veteran’ who was going to be successful, two in terms of career choices. I was going to be neither a pilot nor an
so which bank wouldn’t want to be a part of me? On campus they had accountant, but I wasn’t duly concerned, as I was a mature, intelligent
a Standard Bank branch so I completed and submitted my student- individual who was going places. At that stage I just wasn’t sure where
loan application. A few days later I returned and they had advised me they were!
that my application had been approved, subject to my father signing
surety for the loan. I asked them who they thought was going to repay Lessons learned:
the loan. Without any assistance from me they got the answer right 18. If you have the opportunity to take advantage of a sponsored tertiary
and acknowledged that I was going to be the responsible person. So education, either from your parents or a bursary, then do so. Do not let petty
my next obvious question was “So why must my dad sign?” They stubbornness get in the way. But you then have to give it your best shot.
proceeded to explain that as I was not yet 21 years of age, that legally 19. As a young person, despite your confidence, you may not always choose
I had to have an adult sign surety. So there it was out in the open—I the best or most appropriate career options, and that is okay, but you must
was legally forced by the government to spend two years of my life persevere until you finally get it right.
defending my country and, in my particular case, before I could even
get a driver’s licence! Yet, after doing my part, they had this pathetic
law that clearly indicated that I was not responsible enough to sign a
legal contract to repay a pitiful student loan! What transpired next was
a battle of the wits (excuse the pun, Wits University had nothing to do
with this), mine versus the might of Standard Bank, one of the largest
banking institutions in our country. I gave them an ultimatum—
either they grant me the loan on my own merits or they would never
enjoy a cent of my money ... ever! I would like to believe that they
seriously considered this offer but sadly the branch staff are just mere
employees following instructions, just like I had to in the army. So I
lost that battle. In fact, worse than that, I lost my ability to continue
my studies as I was not prepared to run back to my parents with my
tail between my legs. For the record I want to state that although I lost
the battle, Standard Bank never ever won the war. To this day I have
never banked with them, I refuse to go to their ATMs if I need to draw
money and they have never had the opportunity to share in my little
successes. I bet that if the board of directors of the bank knew this at
the time they would certainly have lost some sleep over it.
I was now 20 years old and on a career roll. I had scored zero out of

34 35

During my time at university I had a part-time job on Saturdays
and during my holidays at a men’s clothing store in the city centre. I
informed the owner that I was now a dropout and I made sure that
he understood that it was entirely Standard Bank’s fault. In fact, I
remember enquiring whether the store banked with them as I have no
doubt that I would have made it my mission to ensure that the account
was closed if they did. Fortunately for Standard Bank, they banked with
the opposition. Standard Bank would learn to regret their mistakes!
Because I was a pretty good salesman, the enlightened management
of the store saw their opportunity and grasped it with both hands and
I had my first full-time job. I saw this as a transition period during
which I would evaluate my options and get some direction as to where
I was headed.
The next two months were spent peddling clothes and studying the
jobs advertised in the classified sections of the daily newspapers. Finally,
I identified something that looked interesting to me. The advert stated
that the company was looking for a salesman of about 25 years of age,
with experience, to sell accounting machines and computers. Now
you have to put this into context; in 1981 the microcomputer was only
being born. This looked like a winner to me and the fact that I was
only 20 and had no experience was not important, at least not in my
mind. I applied for the position at the personnel agency and they made
an appointment for me to meet with them. In those days you got to
meet the personnel agent and then you presented them with your CV
at the first meeting. Poor buggers. No wonder they have changed their
approach; in fact, I think they now use the term ‘screening’ to make
36
My career—part 1
their days more pleasant and no doubt more productive.
During my interview the personnel agent was somewhat surprised
at my CV or lack thereof, not to mention that I was applying for this
position. She politely enquired as to my knowledge of computers and,
being the honest person that I am, I told her that I knew exactly nothing
about them but that I was a fast learner. She was quite diplomatic in
her efforts to de-thwart my focus from this position as I was ONLY
20 and had NO experience. She was in fact very encouraging about
some other positions that I should apply for, given my “considerable
CV” that I had to offer. I was not about to let up on this opportunity.
Call it youthful exuberance or perhaps it was the confidence that I had
developed, having honed my selling skills by peddling clothes full-
time. I decided that it was time to go on the attack so I asked her
how she could support a theory that said “an experienced 25-year old
could be more successful than me at this job”. Where exactly was her
mind? She had a wishy-washy response that had something to do
with experience ... blah, blah, blah.
What the innocent lady didn’t count on was my next pitch which
went something along the lines of “Well, if you don’t allow me the
opportunity to meet with the company and allow them to be the judge
of my potential, how will I ever manage to gain any experience in this
field?”
I knew I had her when she uttered, “Okay, the personnel manager of
this large company is a personal friend of mine so I will do you a favour
by introducing you to him—on one condition—you will meet him,
not for an interview for this particular position, but to allow him to
determine whether you have an aptitude for computers as a career.”
Bingo! I was on my way, but I had one last question: “Which
company does he work at?”
“Olivetti,” she replied.
My appointment was set up for later in the week. I knew I had to
prepare myself so I went to the public library and started to educate
37
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
myself on computers; you know bits and bytes and that sort of stuff.
Nervous as all hell, I met with Paul Janssen at Olivetti. Clearly he
had been properly briefed by the personnel agent as the first words
that he uttered to me confirmed that I was not being interviewed for
the position that I had applied for, but only as a favour to his lady
friend. Not that this perturbed me in any way—I had evolved, I had
my original sales pitch AND by now I had learned what the difference
was between a bit and a byte—I had improved eight fold!
He was one of the kindest, most polite people I had ever met. The
poor man never knew what hit him. Eventually he agreed that I had
every right to believe that I was capable of being successful in the job.
He decided to invite me to their evaluation process which entailed a
battery of tests that lasted an entire day. He said that after this step
they would be able to determine whether I had an aptitude for this
computer ‘stuff’. Maybe it was also an easy out for him because if I
performed dismally, he could easily tell me to go back to selling clothes
without feeling guilty.
A couple of days later I reported for my day of humiliation. I had
shot my mouth off and now they were about to find out that the motor
powering the mouth had more noise than grunt. Believe me, by the
end of the day I felt that my brain was fried and that I had embarrassed
myself beyond acceptable levels. I was told I would be called in a day or
two to let me know what the next step was. I slunk back to the world
I knew best at that stage—peddling clothes to those unfortunate and
gullible people who did not know that they could not afford them.
A couple of days later a secretary called me and told me that I had
an appointment with Paul the following day. I accepted, but I was
hesitant to make the meeting because I had this nagging feeling that
he wanted a personal confrontation, possibly to get his ‘pay-back’ after
my assertive sales pitch that I had made him endure. I attended the
meeting but my body language was certainly a little different this time.
He started slowly, explaining the nature of the tests and what they
38
My career—part 1
indicated and then, without skipping a beat, he offered me a job as a
computer programmer. Where was his mind at? He reiterated that my
scores were extremely high for this field and I had found my calling.
“Programmers do not make money; I am not interested,” was my
response. My body language had by now improved; the results were
out and I had not embarrassed myself, well not yet. “I would like to
be considered for the salesman’s position.” I wasn’t giving up on this
opportunity!
I am not sure if it was because he believed that I might succeed or
because he felt the best way of dealing with me was to give one of his
other colleagues the proverbial ‘hospital pass’ and refer me to him, but
nonetheless I had made it to the next step. Robbie Abraham, National
Sales Manager of Olivetti, was politely asked to evaluate a brash 20-year-
old as a personal favour to Paul. By now I was learning how business
worked; everything seemed to be based on a personal favour.
I met with Robbie and he liked me, he enjoyed my enthusiasm and
he felt I had what it took so he referred me to the Branch Manager
who ran the region with the vacancy. I met with Giovanni Mottalini
and subjected him to my sales pitch. By this time I had it down
pat. Eventually after much deliberation they contacted me and made
me an offer. I could join on a three-month probationary basis. They
would give me a sales target that was the same as that of their most
experienced salesmen at the time. I was told that I would have to
achieve the target in this period and if I didn’t then that would be
the end of my career at Olivetti. Gleefully I accepted. What they had
neglected to tell me was that they would only give me a couple of
days’ training, which at the time meant “Here are the manuals for
the equipment, read them and learn”.
Anyway, I reported for duty and set about trying to learn exactly what
I was going to be selling. They assigned me a geographical territory,
printed some business cards and left me to it. I remember sitting at my
desk saying to myself that I had asked for this, so I best get on with
39
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery My career—part 1

it. I got into my car and drove to an industrial area and began selling. Lessons learned:

This meant going from door to door and trying to get to see any senior 20. If you really believe that you are capable of doing something then you are,

manager, who would be prepared to give me five minutes of his time but nothing comes easy so you have to work your hardest to achieve it.

to allow me to publicly embarrass myself. I made a promise to myself 21. Never lie about your knowledge or lack thereof, as the truth will always

that I would never lie to a customer or pretend that I knew something come out.

that I didn’t. What did help was the strong name that Olivetti had 22. People will deal with you if they believe you are 100% trustworthy, so the

back in those days. They were the leaders in accounting machines and objective is to get them to realize that as soon as possible.

solutions so it was a natural progression for them to move into the 23. Do not be afraid to embarrass yourself (in a positive way) in your pursuit to

personal computer (PC) market. achieve success; remember the old adage ‘no pain, no gain’.

Without a shadow of a doubt this was the most humiliating period of 24. Never confuse confidence and arrogance; it is a fine line that separates

my life. Several times a day I would be asked questions that I could not the two.

answer, even the basic ones like: “How much memory can your PC
be upgraded to?” My typical response was: “Sir, I am not sure of that,
but I will check it out and get back to you.” I soon became used to my
embarrassing lack of knowledge, but I learned quickly. I also learned
that my prospects respected my total honesty and this made it easy
for them to trust me. As soon as I had someone who was interested, I
would call in Giovanni to help me. It was not long before I made my
first sale with his help, and then another and another. I made my target
before the three-month period was up. I was given my formal letter
of appointment. I had proved to myself that with hard work I could
achieve anything I set my mind to. I felt liberated!
I worked for Olivetti for a year. At the end of the year I was the second-
best performing salesman in the country. This was measured as your
percentage achievement of your quota (target). More importantly, I
was enjoying myself.
Giovanni was then offered a senior position at Barlow
Microcomputers, a company within the Barlows Group, which had
the distribution rights for Panasonic PCs, and within a month he
contacted me and offered me a sales position there. The pay was a lot
higher and it showed me that my previous branch manager believed in
me, so I did not hesitate to accept the offer.

40 41

I had lots of ‘girlfriends’ in my primary-school days. I guess I was
reasonably cute in those days and the girls were not averse to me. But
it was during my high-school years when I was in about standard 7
(grade 9) that I had my first real girlfriend. Irene was a year younger
than me and she was an extremely talented gymnast who eventually
obtained her national colours. We had been going steady (that’s what
we called it in those days) for about a year and a half and for some
reason we broke up. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in many years.
The next time I became aware of her was about the same time that I
had just started full-time employment as a clothing salesman. One
Sunday morning, my brother Mark came and showed me the back
page of the Sunday Times newspaper. There she was, ‘my’ Irene, a
stunningly beautiful model in a bikini. Mark joked about what I had
lost out on. Being the confident person that I am, I responded with a
chirp that went something like, “I can have her back anytime I want.”
He said there was no way and invited, or perhaps taunted, me to take
a bet with him if I was that sure. Once again my mouth had got ahead
of me, so I had no choice but to accept the bet.
I set about trying to track her down and I eventually managed to get
hold of her telephone number. I called her and asked her if we could
meet. No problem. I thought I was already halfway to winning my
bet. We met and she looked amazing, but during our chat she dropped
the bombshell that she was getting engaged. What made it worse was
that she was to be engaged to an air force pilot who was a couple of
42
My first love, my first heartache
years older than me. It occurred to me that I could have been a pilot as
well, had I watched my mouth a couple of years before. To complicate
matters even further, her sister was already engaged to his brother. For
goodness sake this was almost a legal hillbilly family.
There was no doubt that there was still mutual chemistry and in fact
she asked if we could see each other again. Perhaps all was not lost.
We met again and again and again. We became involved, we were in
love all over again, but sadly her parents did not take kindly to this
and threatened to kick her out of their house and disown her if she
continued to see me. Why I asked? She loved me, her parents had
always liked me, I am a good person, I know I am going places, I can
offer her a fantastic future. Really what is the problem? I will never
forget what her father said to me on the phone when it all came to
a head, “You are just a clothing salesmen and that’s all you will ever
be.” Ouch! That hurt at the time. Of course, I had a suitable response
to put him in his place but it didn’t matter; Irene had to make her
decision. She decided to think about it and we met a couple of days
later and she told me her decision was to dump me. This was the first
time in my life that I had been dumped. I was surprised, shocked and
devastated, all at once. I had won the bet and lost my first love.
Lessons learned:
25. Do not gamble with love.
43

After having been dumped I guess we humans tend to do the most
natural thing—date someone else while you are on the rebound. Back
at the clothing store they had appointed a new young girl as a debtor’s
clerk. Jenny was a Jewish girl who was the same age as me. I decided
to ask her out. She was a shy, quiet, kind girl and was easy to get on
with. Over the next couple of months we dated regularly and we fell
in love. She had a fairly close family and I got on well with her parents.
At first it was okay, but once again the parents were going to be an
issue, as what had started as a casual dating-type arrangement, started
to become more serious. Jewish parents want their children to marry
Jewish people. I was therefore a great concern to her parents.
I was fairly settled at this stage—I was working at Olivetti, I had a
steady girlfriend and I was still playing a fair amount of soccer. I was
playing for two different sides, one that competed in the Southern
Transvaal Second Division League and another less serious side that
competed in the Sunday Commercial League. I had training sessions
twice a week as well. I was a fairly busy 20-year old. For reasons I
cannot recall, Jenny and I decided to live together. I guess it was partly
driven by the substantial travelling that I was doing at the time. I lived
in Ridgeway (southern suburbs), I worked in Benoni (eastern suburbs)
and Jenny lived in Highlands North (northern suburbs). I was all over
the place. When you are young and naïve you tend to follow your
emotions. My parents weren’t happy about us living together, being
the committed reborn Christians that they were, and they certainly
didn’t waste any time dishing out the ‘living in sin’ lecture. But if you
think that was bad, then you should have seen how Jenny’s parents
44
Getting married, the first time
reacted when they were confronted with this wonderful news. I was
a “nice boy” but I wasn’t a “nice Jewish boy”. There was no turning
back as I had set my mind to it and we moved in together. We rented
a small flat in Rosettenville. By this time Jenny was a manageress at
a ladies’ clothing boutique in town. Our flat was close to a bus stop,
so transportation for her was not a problem. Now I only had to drive
from the south to the east and back everyday. I was always good at
solving problems.
Up until now, despite regular pressure from my parents, I had not
been ‘saved’ and thus according to them there was no way that I was
going to get to heaven. This was obviously of great concern to my
parents. I wasn’t concerned because I believed that I was a good person
and I would be judged according to my deeds when judgement day
arrived for me. I had attended a couple of ‘happy clappy’ services but
they never quite appealed to me. I enjoyed standing there, especially
when they started calling for the people who had not been saved yet
and asking them to put up their hands. The pastor always stated: “We
do not want to embarrass you. Just put up your hands so we can see
who you are; nobody else is looking, everyone else is busy praying.”
Almost always some people would raise their hands and the next thing,
before they knew it, they where whisked to the front of the church to
stand before the entire congregation. What about the promise of no
embarrassment? If you can’t trust pastors, then who can you trust?
After a few months of living together, for some reason, I felt that I
needed to attend a church service one Sunday evening. Jenny, being
Jewish, had no desire to accompany me so I went on my own. We
finally got to the fun part where they called for souls to be saved and I
don’t know how and I don’t know why, but before I knew it my hand
was in the air. Next thing, I was saying the sinner’s prayer and I felt
good about it. Maybe it was because I had now booked my ticket to
heaven or maybe it was because I was starting on a spiritual journey.
Obviously when I told my parents about this they were delighted as
45
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery Getting married, the first time

now all their children had secured their tickets to heaven. him it was done in almost a ‘closure’ manner, his final farewell to
I am an all-or-nothing person. I either do something properly or I his daughter who had betrayed her faith. We got married in a small
don’t bother doing it at all. This caused a few problems for me over the ceremony on a Sunday morning in May 1982, just a few weeks prior
next few weeks as I began to feel guilty about ‘living in sin’. It suited to my 21st birthday. This time I had no choice but to ask my father to
me but I was feeling guilty about it. Jenny had begun to show some sign the legal papers to grant me permission to get married as I was
interest in Christianity but being Jewish it was a difficult thing for still considered a minor. Ironic isn’t it?
her to comprehend and come to terms with. She was delving into an
area regarded as taboo by the Jewish fraternity. Prior to this interest Lessons learned:
she had displayed no spiritual awareness whatsoever. My pastor at 26. Marriage is not a convenience, nor is it a means to appease your conscience
the time was a fantastic, young and easy-to-get-along-with guy. He and it therefore should not be taken lightly.
was extremely knowledgeable on the differences between the various
faiths—Judaism, Islam etc. He had studied these in depth. He started
spending a bit of time with Jenny and I and explained the differences
to us. At the end of the day, in my opinion, Judaism and Christianity
are fairly similar, the only difference is that Christians believe that
Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, whereas the Jews believe he was
merely a prophet and the true Son of God has yet to come. There are
a lot of Jewish people who believe in Jesus Christ and they are called
Messianic Jews. I was not sure why but it was not too long before
Jenny decided she wanted to become a Christian.
At first I thought this might have been due to the pressure of facing
a break-up of our relationship or perhaps a result of a great sales pitch
from the pastor, but I did not worry about it any further. The reality
is that Jenny has maintained her Christianity right up to this day, so
clearly it is something that she believes in. Sadly Jenny’s parents decided
to disown her. How could they accept that their Jewish daughter
believes Jesus was the Messiah? This was a traumatic experience for
Jenny because she was quite close to her family, especially her father.
Now that we had solved the ‘spiritual compatibility’ we had to
address my ‘conscience’, so we decided to get married as soon as
possible. Reluctantly her father signed the required papers to grant
her permission to get married as she was not yet twenty-one. For

46 47

I was already living with Jenny when I decided to accept the job offer
from Giovanni to join him at Barlow Microcomputers. Another benefit
was that the company was based in Braamfontein, which is virtually in
the city centre. No more trips east which meant an additional saving
on petrol. Another problem solved!
I went about my business selling Panasonic PCs and software. It was
there that I met Cedric, a freelance software programmer who wrote
various programmes for stock control, debtors, creditors etc. I made
a number of sales that included his software and although he was
about 15 years older than me, we got on well and worked productively
together. After about a year there I decided that it was crazy working
for another company, making lots of money for them, so I decided that
Cedric and I should do it for ourselves. I approached him with this
idea and he said great, but asked how much capital I had available to
invest in a new business.
“What do you need capital for?” I asked.
“To pay our salaries at the end of the month,” he said with a surprised
look on his face.
“No problem, I will make some sales and we will have the cash to
pay our salaries before the end of the month.” I recall thinking how I
hoped that when I got to his age I would not be so conservative, but
then I remembered he was 35 years old, married with two children at
school, a housing bond to pay etc. So I decided not to hold it against
him at the time, but I knew I had my work cut out for me when it
came to getting him more optimistic about life. Me, I was 21 years
old, newly married and had nothing to lose. So we agreed to form a
48
Starting my own business
company; I resigned and at the end of the month we were in business
and I was a director of a company, or so my business card proudly
stated. I was going places, at this stage on paper at least! But I hadn’t
forgotten about Standard Bank; I thought about them every time I
drove past one of their ATMs.
In our first month I managed to get the sales we needed, in fact
every month we managed to survive, but it wasn’t as much fun or as
glamorous as I thought it would be. It was a tough slog but I wouldn’t
give up. During this period I regularly attended church services at my
local ‘happy clappy’. My faith was strong, my desire to succeed was
strong, my bank balance ... well, that needed time. Our customers
often paid us late which meant we’d pay our personal creditors late for
things like rent and car leases. I remember many an occasion when I
didn’t have money to buy food so we ate not much more than toast
for our meals. I remember having to convince the repossessor not to
take my car as I would be able to make the outstanding payments in
a couple of days. Yes, I learned about struggling financially, so I can
empathize with people who have also faced such trying times.
Lessons learned:
27. Starting a business is a big risk so make sure that you have sufficient
funding to tide you over whatever period is necessary until the business
succeeds.
28. Never think poorly of people who live on the poverty line as you never
know when you might have to experience hardship.
29. No matter how far behind you get in your struggle with debt, always ensure
you pay back everything that you owe, no matter how long it takes.
We were selling a lot of custom-developed software solutions at
the time. In other words, a customer would tell us what he wanted
computerized and we would write the software to do it. Slowly things
started picking up and I managed to bring in more business than
49
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
Cedric could keep up with. At this stage I was responsible for sales,
finance, administration, accounting and designing the solutions, albeit
in a fairly rudimentary fashion. In my frustration with the delay in
getting these programmes written, I decided to sit down and write the
programmes myself. Now, up until that point I knew exactly nothing
about programming, but we had a crisis looming on our hands. No
delivery meant no payment which meant no food. Not good. So I took
some of Cedric’s programming code and started. At first he found this
amusing but he didn’t know what I had been told by Paul Janssen at
Olivetti. I quietly stuck to the task. It wasn’t long before I got the hang
of it and we managed to clear the backlog. I wasn’t as quick at churning
out code as he was but my stuff was solid and worked; I was paying
lots of attention to detail. Cedric was impressed and he suddenly had
a lot more respect for his young, naïve partner. So there I was, doing
just the thing that I hadn’t wanted to do—working as a programmer.
Life is funny like that.
Lessons learned:
30. Never underestimate your own capabilities. If you are committed and
prepared to work hard, you will almost always succeed. However, remember
lesson 24, not to confuse confidence with arrogance.
31. If you do not try something you will never know whether you would have
succeeded or not.
The next few years we changed direction slightly and started writing
software for the retail industry. It included modules for point of sale,
debtors, stock, creditors and financials. We developed a unique version
for the liquor retailers and a more general version for other retailers.
Our business grew, we hired more people, we were getting there,
slowly but surely.
In early 1984, I finally experienced and understood ‘apartheid’ for
the first time. Apartheid, or ‘apartness’, was the term coined by the
50
Starting my own business
government at the time. It was the National Party (NP) that had
prescribed this way of life for the country. What it basically meant
was that we, the South African populace, were not born equal and
that the black populace were destined to be second-class citizens. They
were an inferior race according to the predominantly Afrikaans NP,
therefore they should be subservient to the white populace. They were
not capable of, or deserving of, having any senior position in South
African society therefore they should not be spoilt by being granted
the privilege of living in the same suburbs, nor could they have a
decent education. The fact that the National Party had been in power
since 1948 was proof to the world that this was how South Africa was
meant to be, or was it?
I grew up in a middle-class neighbourhood with certain privileges.
An event that I clearly remember was in the early days of television,
where one of the highlights of the year was to be able to watch the
English FA Cup Final live. This was special. I remember it was about
1975. I was a young teenager and I invited our weekend gardener into
our house to watch this special event. To me it was the most natural
thing to do as he was passionate about soccer. To my father it was
most unnatural, as he was passionate about having his lawn mowed on
weekends and, not counting our domestic worker, had never invited
a black person into his house. In the end my strong will prevailed and
the lawn had to wait a couple of hours, but the joy that I was able to
witness on this young man’s face while he watched the match being
played on the other side of the world was amazing. The look on my
father’s face was … let’s just call it confused.
A couple of years later, I was in the army and being indoctrinated in
the evil ways of the black man. I was educated as to how they would
rape and plunder our wonderful country. Somehow, I could never
buy into that, but I soon learned that to challenge a half-wit’s opinion
in military uniform only resulted in extensive and life-threatening
exercise sessions.
51
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
So I guess I was a young, naïve and possibly confused citizen.
So back to 1984. I had installed my software at a liquor store in
Boksburg. Tony, the owner of the store, telephoned me one day to
ask if I was prepared to go and see a liquor store in Vosloorus, one of
the nearby townships. For the uninitiated, a township was a neat area
that the NP decreed suitable for the black populace to live in. There
they could do their own thing without bothering the white populace.
“No problem,” I said and proceeded to get the contact details of the
prospect who was keen to find out more about my software. I called
him and set up an appointment to meet with him. He asked if I was
prepared to come into the township to meet him. “Of course,” was
my reply. In those days it was extremely unusual for a white person to
enter any township without a police or military escort. It was in the
hey-day of ‘necklacing’ which was a vigilante sport that took place in
the townships. Any ‘informant’ or ‘Uncle Tom’ was publicly burned
by placing a car tyre around his or her neck. The tyre, doused with
petrol, was then set alight and the person burned to death.
For some reason, perhaps naïveté, this did not faze me so I drove
into the township without any protection. As it turned out they had
two liquor stores: one called Fountain Uptown and the other Fountain
Downtown. I saw the first Fountain store and went inside. I was
directed to the main man who was in his little office. He looked up
at me and was surprised to see this young white man standing in his
lair. He growled at me, or at least that is what it sounded like, which
I interpreted as an invitation to speak, so I asked to see a Mr Kunene.
He said that he was Mr Kunene and asked me what I was doing there.
I said that we had scheduled a meeting to which he barked that he
did not schedule meetings with white men. He then said maybe it
was with his brother who was at Fountain Downtown. He told me to
drive another couple of kilometres down the same road and I would
find him there. I drove deeper into the heart of the township and
when I found the place I was directed upstairs to a dark and dingy
52
Starting my own business
area. I knocked on the door and was told to come inside. A large black
man was sitting behind his desk shouting at some poor person on the
other end of the telephone. He motioned for me to sit down which I
did. While he was conducting his telephone discussion I let my eyes
wander around his office. It was bare and dark and I began to wonder
whether they could afford to buy my inexpensive software. My army
indoctrination and prejudices were beginning to show.
He finally put the telephone down as I stood up and offered my
hand in a traditional hand-shake gesture. He ignored me so I sat down
and thought about this barbarian’s poor manners.
He asked me in a deep, gruff and very intimidating voice: “What the
hell are you doing in my township, honky?”
I was not expecting such a hostile attack, so at first I did not know
how to respond. The initial surge of fear was prominent as I was now
truly on my own. Visions of a ‘necklace’ sprung to mind but somehow
I managed to blurt out: “Kaffir, I am here because you need my honky
brain to help you sort out your business.”
The next thing his face burst into the biggest smile I had ever seen
and he stood up, all six foot six of him, and extended his giant hand
and said to me: “We are going to be great friends.”
Somehow I managed to separate the seat of the chair from my
posterior and stood up and shook hands with my new ‘barbarian’
friend.
From that day onwards we had the greatest business and personal
relationship possible. Although Zanosi was some nine years older than
me, we learned much about each other and from each other. Early in
our relationship he asked me if I played golf. At that time I was new
to the game but I loved it. He was passionate about the game and
played off a low handicap. He invited me to play with him and some
of his friends, which I accepted. He told me we would be playing on a
Monday at one of the courses in that region.
“Why a Monday? I enquired, quite innocently.
53
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
“Because the course is closed and the caddies are allowed to play,”
he replied.
I could not believe what I had heard but I said nothing. On the
Monday I went with him to the course in his run-around vehicle
which was an upmarket BMW. When we arrived, the car park was
full of the most expensive and exotic vehicles you could imagine. The
rest of the players, some 20 to 30 of them, were all black men—they
were doctors, they were lawyers, they were wealthy businessmen.
These fine men had gathered to play golf on a Monday, the only day
of the week when the course was closed, so they could enjoy a round
of golf. This was one of the most eye-opening experiences I have ever
had in my entire life. How could this be a just society when highly
educated men of a darker pigmentation could only play on a Monday,
just because lesser educated men of a lighter pigmentation chose not
to play on that day? I was no longer naïve or indoctrinated; I was now
a campaigner for civil rights. My entire world and belief system had
changed in an instant.
I used to visit Zanosi at his home in the township and he visited me.
We went to select restaurants together as not all the restaurants were
enlightened to the real world. We partied together, got into trouble
together. He taught me about his culture, he was passionate about
music, just as I am. We went to black jazz clubs and everyone accepted
me for what I was. I was Zanosi’s ‘white brother’. He and his family of
five brothers and one sister had become successful in business—even
in those tough times. As the dispensation changed in the country they
became extremely wealthy in the years to come. They achieved this
not because of affirmative action or black empowerment, but because
of their exceptional business intellect and skills. To this day in 2008,
some 24-odd years later, we still remain close friends and have shared
many business partnerships.
54
Starting my own business
Lessons learned:
32. Always question the views that you have been brought up to believe in, as
they may not always be appropriate.
33. Never judge a person. Do not allow your preconceptions to form an opinion
about anyone until you have taken the trouble to understand them.
34. When confronted with a direct challenge, do not necessarily issue a return
challenge as this could become confrontational. Never run away though, as
this will not earn you any respect.
35. Try and learn about any oppression that there may be in your own society;
spend time to understand the situation and do what you can to change it, if
it is in conflict with your value and belief system.
In the mid 1980s we realized that in order to succeed we had to be
able to sell our software on a national basis. Our competitors had
established branches throughout the country. Our solutions were
rated far better than their offerings but we did not have their national
coverage. We did not have the funds so we had to find a big brother.
By now, after a few years of working with Cedric I had learned to deal
with my frustration which was a direct result of Cedric constantly
changing his mind. We would agree on an issue one day and by the
next day he had changed his mind, but even worse, the following day
he would change his mind again. I make up my mind quickly and set
about doing whatever I had decided upon. Not Cedric. I was not sure
how much longer I could tolerate the situation but I persevered. We
agreed to look for a company that would buy a stake in the business
and provide the necessary funding for us to establish branches in the
major cities. Cedric never liked the negotiating and selling aspects of
business, so he agreed to let me do the legwork. When I found some
companies that I thought would be ideal, I would then bring him into
the loop. I spent a few months identifying suitable companies and
meeting with them. I was looking for a similar ethos, a similar value
system to our own—after all we were going to be joined at the hip. We
55
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
finally had two alternatives to seriously consider from which we had
to make a final decision. Cedric and I agreed on one specific company
so we decided to go ahead. Ohio Computer Systems was a fairly young
but successful IT company that was listed on the stock exchange. I
liked the three main directors: Peter the chairman was a recluse of
sorts but a technical genius, Norman the managing director was a
superb salesman and Rob the financial director was an experienced
businessman. They already had offices in all the major cities in South
Africa so it was an ideal match. The contract negotiations began. After
a lot of haggling we finally agreed on a contract. We met with them for
the formal signing ceremony, followed by a little celebration with their
board of directors. We were excited, we could now realize our dreams,
we were going to get a reasonable cash payment up front, we had a
great performance-linked bonus scheme and a potential for dividend
pay-outs. Life was finally looking positive.
Two days later Cedric changed his mind. When he told me, I was
shocked but not surprised. Every clause that he had wanted in the
agreement I had successfully negotiated. He was happy with the
agreement; after all he had signed it. He then asked me to cancel the
agreement and start the process of finding another partner all over
again. It was then that I decided that enough was enough. I told him
that if he was unhappy with the agreement then he should approach
them and deal with it. I was not prepared to renege on an agreement
that I had signed and that I was happy with. He said that he didn’t
want to be part of it and was not going to. This was a power play on
his part as he never thought I would go ahead without him. I called his
bluff and said that I would continue irrespective of what he decided. I
remember him saying “You can’t, you need me.”
My response was: “No, Cedric. It would be nice to have you along
but please understand that I don’t need you anymore.” With that he
stormed out of the office. Knowing that there was a great possibility
of him changing his mind by the following morning, I left things as
56
Starting my own business
they were. The next morning he returned and I asked him if he had
changed his mind and he said no, so I agreed to get him out of the
contract. I approached Peter, the chairman of the group, and explained
Cedric’s change of mind, but I also told him that I was not willing to
renege on the agreement. He was more than happy to continue and we
renegotiated a different contract with a larger up-front cash payment
to asist me in buying out Cedric’s shares. And so I parted ways with
my partner of six years.
Things were going reasonably well on the business front but sadly
my marriage had all but collapsed while I was working, working and
working. Over the previous seven years I had not taken any leave. We
could not afford for me to be away from work, closing deals, writing
software etc. I worked 16 to 18 hours a day, six days a week. I would
leave home by 06h00 and only get back by 10h00. On Sundays I played
golf. On one occasion, for some reason during the week, I got home
early at 18h00 and the sun was still up. I can vividly recall the guilt that
I felt. I felt I was cheating someone. I did not know what to do with
myself so I hauled out my computer and continued to write software.
It was crazy, I guess I was crazy.
Lessons learned:
36. In any partnership you are likely to have differences with your partner(s),
which is normal and natural as you are meant to complement each other in
terms of strengths and weaknesses. It is important that these differences
are properly managed and communicated otherwise the partnership will be
in danger of dissolving.
37. Never sign long-term contracts unless you are totally committed to
honouring them.
38. Becoming a workaholic is as desperate as being a substance-abuser. It is
a selfish commitment, which will cost you your relationships, whether with a
spouse, children or friends.
57

Jenny and I were very different people. Intellectually we were worlds
apart. I was ambitious whereas she could be happy with a life of
mediocrity. She had no outside interests. She could be happy as a
housewife except she didn’t like to clean and couldn’t cook. She paid
little attention to world news but there wasn’t a thing she didn’t know
about all the soap operas. She was an authority on them. While I was
burying myself in my work trying to get somewhere she was content
to go nowhere. Having said all this, Jenny was fantastic when we were
struggling. She never complained about the lack of groceries or not
being able to buy new clothes. She handled the tough times extremely
well and she was very accommodating when it came to my family.
Towards the end of 1982, the year in which we were married, my
parents decided to sell their business and move to Durban. My mother
had always loved the sea and wanted to live there. There was only
one problem: my younger brother Mark was about to enter his matric
year (grade 12). Mark was the joker in our pack, definitely not the
academic—he was the friendly rebel who drove my parents and the
rest of his family nuts with his antics. A person with a better heart you
would never meet but he could be an absolute handful. He’d always
looked up to me and, in many ways, I have been his mentor. In fact,
I have probably been the only person that he would ever listen to,
but more often than not he would still do his own thing. I agreed to
take him in so that my parents could pursue their dream. This meant
getting a bigger apartment so Jenny and I moved to Townsview and
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The collapse of my first marriage
Mark moved in. It was an interesting year that followed. I was trying to
persuade Mark to study which was as challenging as trying to persuade
a male dog to ignore a female dog on heat. He had his motorbike, he
lived with his older brother, his parents were 600 kilometres away. For
him, this was Utopia. The records say that he managed to pass matric
(grade 12), although nobody knows how this happened.
He then went on his two year paid vacation, courtesy of the South
African army. And believe me his was a vacation. He was posted to a
nearby base and spent more time at home than away. He was never
offered the exotic tour to the SWA border; in fact I still wonder if he
ever learned to shoot his rifle. We decided that living in an apartment
was not ideal so we looked for a house to move into. We eventually
found one in Kibler Park, a suburb quite far south. I was back to
travelling again. In the meantime my sister’s marriage was going
through a difficult time so she moved in with us. Next thing she was
patching things up with ‘John Travolta’ and he too all but moved in.
Mark was doing his army bit but would join us over weekends. We
were one big happy family. Did I say Jenny was really accommodating
when it came to my family? But things were destined to get better.
It was around this time that a friend mentioned to me that he had
seen Irene and after less than two years of marriage she had divorced
her pilot husband. I was sad for her, yet inwardly there was no doubting
that I was happy as she had definitely caught the wrong flight, that she
had made the wrong choice. Served her right for dumping me!
My parents had started a clothing store in Durban as part of their
early retirement. Sadly after about a year or two it fell apart and they
lost their life savings. My father couldn’t find suitable work so they had
to pack up and come back to Johannesburg. Guess where they stayed?
We then had my parents as well my sister and her lover boy. Things
were getting pretty crowded. It is a misconception that only the black
population can be regarded as squatters in South Africa—our house
was living proof of that!
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
It was then, in the midst of all these bodies living in one house that
we decided to have a child. Perhaps this was a subtle message for all of
them to move out. We had now been married for two years. Although
the house was full, we had luckily managed to retain our own room.
It wasn’t too long before Jenny was pregnant. I think the squatters got
the message and slowly the house became more spacious. My parents
got themselves a home and I gladly handed responsibility for my
brother back to them. He was still in the army but spent a lot of time
at home. Linda and lover boy broke up and she also moved in with my
parents. At some stage during Jenny’s pregnancy we decided to move
again. Exactly why I am not sure, but we did; we rented a house in the
suburb of Mulbarton. Nine months later, we had a son, Brett, who
was born on 11 October 1984. I was 23-years old and a proud father.
Up until the time that Brett was born Jenny’s parents were still not
interested in mending the rift. Despite Jenny’s best efforts they would
not budge. When Brett was born things changed as he was their first
grandchild. It was fantastic that they were becoming a family again.
Jenny was now in her element—she could be at home all day, looking
after her baby, watching soap operas and putting on weight. And me?
I was doing the only thing I knew; I was working. At that stage we
had a few computer dealers who sold our software. Whenever they
got serious prospects or concluded any sales it would be necessary to
help them. One of our dealers was based in Newcastle in Natal. They
had a young lady by the name of Sandy working for them and before
I knew it I was having an affair with her. This was my first affair
and the timing could not have been worse. I suppose I could find all
sorts of reasons and excuses to account for the affair but I guess that
is irrelevant. It did not last long but it caused enough harm and pain.
When Jenny found out she moved back to her parents and when I came
to my senses we managed to sort things out. What I learned from this
experience was once the trust has been broken it is impossible to get
back to normal.
60
The collapse of my first marriage
Humans are able to forgive, eventually, but don’t we ever forget.
Things were okay but never great. Our contrasting lifestyles and
ambitions dicated as much. In an effort to improve things we decided
to have another child and we had a daughter, Shayna, who was born on
24 July 1987. Things did not improve; in fact we drifted even further
apart.
It was about six months after Shayna was born that Cedric and I
sold our company and I was faced with the alternative of cancelling
the contract or buying him out. Adios amigo. This was not the only
partnership that was dissolving—my marriage was over but I was not
doing anything about it. I continued to focus on my work, either by
choice or necessity, probably both. I had now parted ways with our
most experienced programmer and I had to fill that gap. I had joined a
large IT group so that we could grow the business on a national basis
so I had to create new offices in the other major cities. I had tough
performance targets to meet in order to earn the profit-share bonuses
that I had negotiated. I was working my butt off. I had every reason or
excuse in the book to work the long hours and ignore my collapsing
marriage at home. In the meantime, I had used some of the money
that I had made selling my company to buy our first house that we
could call our own. At last, we weren’t paying rent—we were paying
a mortgage bond.
In the process of identifying potential staff members for our new
offices I was advised to speak to a lady by the name of Annie. She lived
in Durban and had extensive experience with a company that was one
of our competitors but she had recently resigned and was due to go
on an extended holiday in America. She was flying from Durban via
Johannesburg. I arranged to meet with her a few hours before she flew
out of Johannesburg. I was impressed. She had considerable knowledge
of the retail industry, the point-of-sale equipment we used and our
largest competitor’s software which was similar, but not as good as our
own. She was confident and eloquent. I had no doubt that she would
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
be the ideal person to head up our Durban branch. There was only
one snag; all she was concerned with at that time was her vacation so
she wasn’t too interested in discussing career opportunities. We agreed
to have a chat when she got back and we would take it from there.
In the three months that Annie was away I continued to search for
staff for our Durban office. I found potential salesmen, software-
support personnel but nobody whom I felt suitable for the branch-
manager position. When she returned we met again and she agreed to
take on the position. I was relieved, as I was confident that she had the
right credentials for the position.
A few months later we had our Cape Town and Durban offices
running reasonably well but unfortunately these branches required
a lot of my time. I was called on to assist in their sales presentations,
meet the new customers, as well as train the new support staff on
the latest versions of the software that I was extensively involved in
writing. It became the norm that I would spend a few days every
other week in Durban or Cape Town. I was clocking up frequent-
flyer miles at a rapid rate. And the more time I spent with Annie the
more I grew attracted to her. She was everything that Jenny wasn’t.
She was intelligent, outgoing, well travelled. She had a good general
knowledge and she was ambitious. It wasn’t long before I recognized
that the feeling was mutual. It was almost amusing how we tried to
hide our feelings. We said nothing about it for a very long time but
I suppose it was inevitable—we eventually became involved. I was
confused, I knew my marriage was doomed, I knew it would never
work as Jenny and I were worlds apart. That wasn’t right or wrong—it
just was. I was torn between my guilt of having a wife and two small
children with whom I spent little time and having this new excitement
and love in my life. I didn’t know what to do.
For some months this uncomfortable status quo remained as it
was. I didn’t want to hurt Jenny but I didn’t want to lose Annie. But
I knew that sooner rather than later I would have to make a decision.
62
The collapse of my first marriage
Obviously the distance between Durban and Johannesburg made
things more difficult. I suppose in a way I wanted to make sure that I
made the right decision, but in order for me to do so I needed to spend
more time with Annie. I had to make sure that I was in love with her
and not what she represented—everything that my wife was not.
Besides my scheduled trips to Durban I made a few unscheduled
ones as well. I used to play golf on Sundays and Jenny would spend the
day with her family. I would not normally get back before 17h00 in the
afternoon so I ‘sacrificed’ this time to make a quick trip to Durban.
I would book an early-morning flight to Durban and return on the
afternoon flight. This gave me a few precious hours to spend with
Annie. On one particular Sunday morning I was running late and in
my rush I forgot to put my golf clubs in the car. Like an idiot I had left
them in the lounge near the front door. I realized this halfway to the
airport but it was too late to go back. I figured I would make up an
excuse if Jenny happened to spot them. For some reason she didn’t, so
my shenanigans were to remain a secret for a little longer.
At the best times I am not an easy person to live with. When I am
under huge business pressure and stress, not to mention my personal
turmoil, then I guess I must have been a nightmare. I was short
tempered, I was tired, I was feeling guilty. With all these emotions
churning away inside me I was the proverbial time bomb. And finally
I did. It was on a Saturday evening. I can’t recall what pathetic little
reason caused it but I went crazy. I decided then and there that I had
to get out. I told Jenny I was leaving for a few days and I did not know
when I would be back. She was distraught. At that time there was little
she was capable of doing on her own. Much to my annoyance she
depended on me for virtually everything. I packed a small bag, got into
my car and drove off. It was 20h00 and I had no idea where to go. On
the spur of the moment I decided to phone Annie. I called her at her
house from a phone booth. I decided I would go there and told her I
would be there in about six hours. For some reason other than the fact
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
that I am a speed junkie, I drove like the wind. The roads were quiet
and I made it in three hours 55 minutes. This is an incredible time for
the journey since there were not that many toll roads back in 1989.
I guess that the speed forced me to concentrate on the road and not
think about the minefield had I had created for myself.
I spent the rest of the weekend with Annie. On the Monday morning
I decided I wasn’t yet ready to go back to the real world so I called my
secretary and told her to clear my diary for the next couple of days.
There was panic at work—I wasn’t around and nobody could get hold
of me.
It was at this time that I was able to recognize the world that I had
created for myself. Everybody depended on me, be it at work or at
home. Everybody panicked when I wasn’t around. This was crazy. I
realized that I was extremely poor at delegating responsibility, training
or mentoring other people. I had created this custom-fitted noose for
my own neck. With hindsight I can now see that I enjoyed the power
that this gave me. I believed I was indispensable and to tell the truth,
at the time I was. I also realized how pathetic my ways were. I vowed
to change them. At the time, I believed that knowledge is power, but
what I have since learned is that true power comes from the sharing
of knowledge.
I made my decision to leave my wife for Annie. I took the next few
days off and spent time with her while I figured out how I was going
to tell my wife. Jenny always had low self-esteem which had become
worse since, by her own choice, she had abandoned her life and
her independence to dump this responsibility on me. We had many
arguments over the years about her getting her act together, but to no
avail. In fact she only got her driver’s licence when she was 25 years
old. It was easier to rely on me to give her lifts everywhere. I have to
accept a large portion of the blame because I should have put my foot
down, but perhaps her reliance on me made me feel more powerful?
I decided I could not tell her that I was leaving her for someone else
64
The collapse of my first marriage
as I felt this would further destroy the little self-confidence she had.
I decided to tell her what we both knew to be true, that our marriage
wasn’t working and it was never going to.
At first I think Jenny believed me, but one truism is that you cannot
hide the truth! It eventually came out and things started getting messy.
We were married in community of property so she was entitled to half
of what I owned. Because by nature I am a generous person, I had
originally said to Jenny that she could have the house and the contents.
Granted, we did not have that much at that stage but still I was prepared
to give her everything. The only proviso I made was that she could not
touch my business interests. The nature of the agreement that I had
when we sold the business was that I would have a five-year earn-out
period during which, if the business achieved certain targets, I would
be paid certain percentages of the profits. There was absolutely no
guarantee that I would get anything. I felt it unfair that she should
participate in my future earnings if we were already divorced. I told her
that if she attempted to claim any of my future earnings then I would
only give her what she was entitled to, which was half of our current
assets. She agreed but her parents and her attorney got involved and
they persuaded her to go for me. In the end she lost and she got what
she was entitled to—half of our assets. To make matters worse for her,
this sum had been eroded by the ridiculously high legal fees she had
to pay, as her attorney was so useless that he couldn’t blow his nose
without asking a senior advocate to hold the tissue for him. We were
divorced in February 1991.
While this was all happening I had been offered a position on the
main board of directors of our holding company. This company was
the listed entity on the Johannesburg Stock Exchange (JSE) as it was
known then. I was already the managing director of the company
that I ran but to be a main-board director was a great honour and
achievement. After all, I was only 28 years old. I am pretty certain that
at that time, if I was not the youngest director of a JSE listed company,
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
then I must have been close. I was elated; I had worked all my life
for this recognition. At the time I thought about giving Irene’s father
a call. I thought had progressed a little beyond a clothing salesman,
but like his daughter, I too was also divorced. I chose not to as this
wasn’t about proving anything to anyone else, it was about proving it
to myself.
So at the end of my first marriage what exactly had I achieved? I
was 28 years old, I was divorced, I had two young children, I had a
new lover, I had a business that was succeeding but still needed a lot of
work, and I was a director of a JSE-listed company. Does this qualify
as success? At the time I did not know but I was not about to give up.
Lessons learned:
39. Living a double life, especially as a result of an illicit affair, is extremely
stressful and your behaviour patterns change so radically that it is easy for
outsiders to observe that something is amiss.
40. Never lie or try to hide the truth as the truth will always prevail.
41. Try to identify your weaknesses and acknowledge them as early as possible.
They are part of your make-up as much as you have eyes to see and ears
to hear.
42. Sharing knowledge and wisdom is far greater and more powerful and
rewarding than trying to retain it for your own exclusive use.
43. Greed is destructive; only take or receive what is fair. If you try to take
more than you are due, you may end up with less.
66
Annie was still based in Durban so this was not ideal. I decided that
she had to move to Johannesburg if we were going to make our
relationship work. So although it was not first prize for the business,
we made that decision. We rented a small cluster house in Paulshof,
which is a small suburb in Sandton. This was a lot more convenient
for me as it was close to my offices.
From the outset Jenny was always fair and consistent with my
access to Brett and Shayna. Even though our divorce agreement
stipulated that I would have them every alternate weekend and half
the school holidays, she encouraged me to see them even more.
Not once did she say bad things about me or prevent me from
speaking to them. On the contrary she made sure it happened. I will
always respect her for this. When parents get divorced, the children
automatically assume that they are responsible for this. They blame
themselves. This a common and natural reaction. One of the most
important things that both parents must do is to make sure that the
children understand that they are not the cause of the divorce. Jenny
and I did a very good job on this front.
I recall fetching Brett and Shayna. He was five years old and she was
not even two and a half and still in nappies. Not once did I ever miss
a weekend or not have them for the school holidays. Obviously living
in the same city makes it easier to do this.
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Lessons learned:
44. Despite the hurt and anger that is often a part of divorce, the parents
should make sure that the children do not feel responsible for the break-up.
45. Do not bad-mouth the other spouse in front of the children as they love
both parents, which creates great confusion for them. They do not want to
take sides but sometimes our actions force them to.
46. Try to make sure that the spouse who does not have custody gets the
opportunity and uses it to see the children on a regular and consistent
basis.
One evening when I phoned to speak to the kids, Jenny answered
and told me that she had been receiving these weird telephone calls
during which nobody spoke but she could hear breathing. Then, to my
surprise, she said that she thought it was Annie making the calls. I was
taken aback. Had Jenny completely lost the plot? I could understand
the reverse happening, because after all I had left her for Annie, but
the reverse seemed so absurd. I told Jenny I thought she was being
ridiculous, but she asked me to ask Annie if it had been her. I didn’t
bother; there was no sense in doing so. A week or two later Jenny
told me she was still receiving the calls and asked if I had spoken to
Annie. I said no but for the sake of proving a point, I said I would ask
Annie. Obviously Annie expressed total shock and felt insulted. She
vehemently denied that she had ever done such a thing and why would
she? Over the next few weeks Jenny continued to receive these calls
and when I asked Annie again she finally admitted to having made the
calls. I was totally surprised and shocked. Why? Not even Annie could
give a reason why; she just had and that was it.
After about a year Annie started to question my commitment to
the relationship. She was ready to get married and I was beginning
to get used to being divorced. She had travelled extensively around
the world, whereas I had never been on holiday, let alone out of the
country. She wanted to settle down and have a family, whereas I had
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Getting married, the second time
been doing the ‘family thing’ for the past seven years. Had I, or was
it just work? We were the proverbial ships crossing in the night. I had
no idea why she felt insecure—we were happy, we lived together, we
worked together, we were always together.
We decided that it was time to buy our own house. To prove my
commitment to her I agreed to buy the house in both our names, even
though I paid the majority of the deposit and the monthly repayments.
The house we decided on was in the process of being renovated and
we were able to choose the finishes we wanted. We moved in in July
1991 and things were looking great. I was soon to discover though,
that my understanding of commitment was clearly not the same as
hers. By this time most of her friends were either married or in the
process of getting married. We attended some of the weddings and
almost always, someone would ask us when we were planning on
getting married. I wasn’t in any rush—I wanted to travel overseas, I
wanted to do the things I hadn’t yet experienced.
I finally got to enjoy my first overseas trip in February 1992. Through
business I had met and become friends with a couple who lived in East
London. Rob and Des were and still are the most incredible friends.
About 12 years older than me, they knew how to live life and they
could party hard, an environment that I was not too unfamiliar with.
Rob had skied a few times before but Des hadn’t. Annie had also skied
before but I obviously had not. Rob suggested we go skiing in Austria
and so with much excitement we planned the trip.
Because I was a complete novice, Annie suggested that we go to
a place called the Springbok Ski Club, so I could learn to ski on the
artificial surface, essentially a carpet deck. I was keen to test my athletic
prowess on skis. We donned our skis and started down this moving
carpet. Annie knew exactly what she was doing but I was struggling.
I am by nature a fairly competitive person so I did not enjoy the
experience, least of all when ‘Miss know-it-all’ was also attempting to
provide instructions. We had signed up for six lessons; I attended two
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
and decided that this was not for me so I suddenly became too busy at
work to attend the scheduled lessons. Annie went to all of them but I
was no longer excited about my new adventure.
When we arrived in Kitzbehul we walked across to check out the
slopes. It was an awesome sight. Rob pointed out this incredibly steep
slope in front of us, which was the finishing point of a well-known
event called the Hannenkam Race. The professionals skied down
from the top of the mountain at ridiculous speeds and ended the race
here. Lots of people were skiing while we watched but I noticed that
they all skied in long, windy S-shaped moves to navigate their way
down to the bottom of the slope. Where was the speed? I have already
mentioned that sometimes my mouth gets ahead of me and this was
one of those times. I blurted out: “Before the end of our two weeks
here I am going to come straight down that slope! These S movements
are for sissies.” Rob looked at me like I was crazy which was not true—I
was just ignorant and stupid. So Rob being the opportunist he is took
me a bet that I wouldn’t.
We then got kitted out and signed up for our week of lessons. Rob
didn’t need lessons so he went skiing on his own. Des and I desperately
needed lessons and so we joined the beginners’ class. So did Annie—I
thought to enjoy my humiliation—but she claimed she wanted to
improve her technique. I am still convinced that it was her laughing
‘technique’ she was referring to. The first lesson was hilarious. We
trudged to meet our ski instructor who then demonstrated how to
put on one’s skis. I knew this much thanks to my two lessons at the
Springbok Ski Club but here it was somewhat different. Here the
damned things just moved uncontrollably and before I could blink I
was on my backside. Great start!
Once we got our skis under control in a stationary position, Keith,
our instructor, explained the week’s proceedings. I wasn’t paying too
much attention until he mentioned the slalom competition for all the
beginner’s classes at the end of the week—there was a gold medal to be
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Getting married, the second time
won. Okay, I admit it, I am a very competitive person. This was all the
motivation I needed as I decided that the gold medal already had my
name on it. So with much gusto and enthusiasm I threw my body and
soul into learning how to keep upright while moving at great speed.
I have never laughed as much as I did in that week. To see everyone
wiping out in the most awkward positions brings tears to your eyes.
But we started to make progress. Remember, progress is a relative
term. After two days of lessons I asked Keith if I could take some
private lessons with him. He suggested the following week as I still
had to learn the basics. Clearly he did not understand that there was
a gold medal with my name on it so I had to pitch a little harder. He
agreed and that afternoon, instead of practising on the baby slopes, I
headed into the mountains to the blue and red slopes. Keith explained
what we were going to do, before skiing ahead about 100 metres,
demonstrating the movements and positions. He then waited for me
to ski to him. This I did, except I came down the slope like a launched
projectile. When I tried to stop, I crashed into the snow, sometimes
head first, sometimes sideways, sometimes on my backside. But in a
short space of time, I perfected the art of stopping in short distance. I
was battered and bruised, but I was getting there, ‘fast’.
In the meantime Annie was perfecting her technique, albeit at a
snail’s pace and Des became known as the ‘Snow-plough queen’. I
was quick, although my technique left a lot to be desired. But the gold
medal wasn’t going to be awarded to the best-dressed person or the
person with the best technique. The day of the competition arrived
and there were 13 groups consisting of 12 to 14 persons in each group.
The slalom course consisted of about eight poles that we had to ski
around with the officials timing each skier. When it was my turn, I
asked if I would be allowed to have a second chance if I wiped out.
I was, so I decided to go as fast as I could and I did. I was flailing
arms and legs as I weaved between the poles, but I was quick. We all
finished and everyone was joking about my technique and amazed at
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how I’d managed to stay upright. That night we attended the prize-
giving ceremony. When it came time to announce the winner of the
gold medal for the fastest time for beginners they read out my name. I
had won! I was elated, but Annie less so as she kept on commenting on
how I needed to work on my technique. I, however, was happy with
my ‘winning’ technique. We had a fantastic time skiing over the next
week and my technique did improve, a lot—an amazing experience.
On the late afternoon of our last day, after we had just enjoyed our
last ski and were walking up the steep slope back to our pension (chalet),
I suddenly turned to Rob and asked him to go back to our pension and
get his video camera. He knew what this was about and laughed at
me, thinking I was joking. I wasn’t. He fetched the VCR as I went up
the ski lift to the top of this extremely steep slope. By now, at this late
time, there weren’t too many people on the slopes. At the top I looked
down and got the fright of my life. But I had said I was going to do
it so I had no choice. I think I promised the good Lord that if I made
it down in one piece I would never ever shoot my mouth off again. I
don’t think He believed me. Off I went, straight down—and I mean
straight down. I could not believe how fast I was going. At times I felt
in control and at times I felt like I was going to die. Rob was filming
this bullet coming straight down towards him. Near the bottom of
the slope was a taped-off area that surrounded a half-frozen pond.
I was heading directly for it. In fact on the video you can hear Rob’s
commentary: “He hasn’t seen it! Rice you *&!@#$ idiot! Turn!” I
had seen it and was desperately trying to turn, slightly, because at that
speed any sudden movement would have been catastrophic. Through
my exceptional talent, or the good Lord’s intervention, I somehow
managed to ski past the side of the pond and do a big, sweeping loop
to a spectacular stop—just like they do in the Olympics! I had won
my bet and quietly promised myself that I would never, ever attempt
anything like that again in my life. And I haven’t.
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Getting married, the second time
Lessons learned:
47. Being competitive is only a good trait if you are able to manage it in a
positive way and it helps to positively motivate you.
48. Never give up, give it your best shot—more than that nobody (including
yourself) can ask of you.
49. Shooting your mouth off can get you into serious trouble so attempt to
engage your brain into gear before putting your mouth on the accelerator.
50. If you make a bet, always honour it as this displays your integrity.
A few months later, early on a Saturday morning in August 1992, we
were standing in the kitchen when Annie asked me if I had any plans for
the day. Actually I did. I had recently bought a wonderful hi-fi system
and I had seen that they had now released new surround speakers
that were compatible with my system. I shared my excitement with
her regarding these fancy speakers to which I received an indifferent
response. Obviously I knew that what I had to do next was ask her
whether she had plans or if there was anything she wanted to do. “Yes,”
she said, she was going out to buy herself an engagement ring. I guess I
was surprised but not shocked. This is a prime example of one of those
moments when you have a split-second to make a crucial decision. If
I didn’t show any interest or just laughed it off all hell might break
loose or to coin another phrase, hell might freeze over. Either way,
it would have been hell. So I did what any normal intelligent male
would do under those circumstances—negotiate! I suggested we first
go and find my speakers and then we look for an engagement ring!
She accepted. This was turning into a rather expensive morning.
I was dreading looking for a ring with her as she is an extremely fussy
and difficult person at the best of times. Being strong minded, she
can’t be influenced into anything she does not want or like. I have also
been falsely accused of being fussy. I am not; I am actually just very
selective. We managed to find a store that had stock of the surround
speakers so the easy part of the shopping trip was done. We then went
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
off to a large shopping mall and started the quest for a ring that ‘her
majesty’ would approve of. Before we set out I set a time limit and a
budget. The time limit was purely to prevent me from being dragged
around all day. If she had not found anything that she liked in that time
she was welcome to continue looking for as long as she so desired, but
without me.
The first two jewellery stores yielded nothing. She looked in the
window of a third but decided there was nothing there either. I asked
how she could possibly know that they didn’t have anything inside that
she might like. So I started walking in. She gave me ‘the look’ that only
a pissed-off woman can give a man when she thinks he is a complete
idiot. She did, however, follow me in. Come to think of it, I often used
to get those looks from her. The assistants brought out many rings
before she spotted a ring that she really liked. I looked at the ring and
knew that she was oblivious of my budget! Despite my encouragement
for her to look at the other rings she clutched at this budget-breaker. I
quietly asked the assistant what the price of my happiness was going to
be. I can be quite poker-faced but I am not sure whether it worked this
time. Within the space of a few hours I was faced with another of those
awful, split-second, decision-making moments. The options were to
face the ‘delightful’ experience of traipsing from store to store with an
unhappy partner for a few more hours, or to go home immediately
with a happy partner, a lot poorer. So I did what any normal intelligent
male would do under the circumstances—I pulled out my credit card
and prayed that the transaction would be declined. It was not ... we
were now on the verge of an engagement.
To celebrate the occasion we decided to have a few close friends
around for a braai the following day. Everyone was pleased about our
engagement and during the course of the day, Mickey, the husband
of a good friend of Annie’s, told me that he believed the wedding date
had been set for mid-October. Only two months away! My immediate
response, after I had picked up my jaw from the ground, was that this
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Getting married, the second time
was news to me and I’d better check my diary to see whether I was
available on that day. As soon as I could, I cornered Annie and asked
her what this was all about. She said that we were living together, we
had bought a house together, and we were now engaged so why should
we wait any longer to actually get married. She was 31 years old, was
due to turn 32 in November and she wanted to have children. In a
way it made sense but inwardly I wasn’t happy about this unilateral
decision that she had made unbeknown to me. It was a sign of things
to come. Sometimes I am not as sharp as I would like to believe!
The next few weeks were spent planning the wedding. She is an
organized person so I was quite happy to let her get on with it. When
she thought I needed to be consulted I was, but this was not that often.
We decided to get married in a simple non-denominational ceremony.
She had been brought up as an Anglican and I was a reborn Christian
so we looked for a venue that could combine the nuptials and the
reception. Once she had identified suitable venues I went with her to
give my opinion. We agreed on a venue which was not far from where
we lived. I paid the deposit to secure the date, Saturday 17 October.
Everything was going according to plan, for the moment ...
On the Tuesday evening a few days before the wedding I went through
to the venue to make last-minute arrangements with the proprietors.
Music has always been my passion and I spent a few years running a
mobile disco with some friends in my late teens and early twenties.
We played at some large venues, national dancing championships
and the like, so I had the experience. In discussion with the owner
I became concerned for two reasons: the positioning and quality of
the sound system. During my DJ years we were responsible for the
success of our events by having a high-quality rig and great music that
suited a particular audience. We accordingly used to give a money-
back guarantee—the deal was simple: we informed the client of our
rates upfront but if at the end of the night they were unhappy with
our performance they didn’t have to pay us a cent. We were almost
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
always paid a bonus. This proprietor was not quite in my league so
I diplomatically tried to make some suggestions but he became very
arrogant and extremely insulting during our conversation. In fact he
actually told me that I should shut up or alternatively, I should host
the wedding in my “shitty little garden”. I thought this comment was
offsides as he had never seen my garden! I guess he thought he had me
over a barrel since the wedding was due in four days’ time. Actually
he did, but I was not going to be insulted by some arrogant half-wit.
I politely asked him to go to his office and write me a cheque for the
deposit I had paid. He looked at me in amazement; in fact he only got
going once I assertively told him to hurry up as I had little time to
waste—I still had a wedding to organize! I received my cheque and
drove off wondering what to do next.
As I left the venue an idea came to mind. I had recently joined a
golf club that was part of a newly established golfing estate named
Dainfern. I decided to drive there. I arrived at about 19h30 and asked
to speak to the most senior manager on duty at the time. I told him
I had a little dilemma and asked if he could help me. I explained that
I would love to celebrate my wedding at his beautiful venue. He said
he would love to host my wedding and asked when I was planning to
get married. The look on his face was priceless when I told him that
it was on Saturday. At first he thought I was playing some practical
joke but he soon realized that I was serious once I explained what
had happened. He was absolutely amazing and even though they
had another wedding scheduled for the same day he began to weave
some magic. I left there a little while later having solved the problem.
The next challenge was to explain this to my bride-to-be. This was
probably going to be a tougher task than finding another venue four
days before your wedding.
When I arrived home Annie asked if everything was organized and
on track. Yes, I could honestly answer. I then asked if she trusted me.
“Of course,” she replied, so I explained that there had been a slight
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Getting married, the second time
change of plans, describing the interesting twist of events that had
occurred. At first she was quite upset that I had chosen to rearrange
‘her’ wedding but in the end she acknowledged that she might have
done the same as me. The next challenge to sort out was the wedding
vows as Dainfern was not a registered venue where one could legally
exchange wedding vows. It was now Wednesday and after many frantic
calls we managed to find an understanding Anglican priest who was
prepared to conduct a small ceremony for us on the Friday morning at
his church. We duly had the ceremony with a few friends and family
then proceeded with events as previously planned. This meant I was
not allowed to sleep at my home that night; in fact I had a bit of a
‘boys’ night’ planned. At lunchtime a few of my friends and I went to a
restaurant before watching a provincial day/night cricket match at the
Wanderers stadium. After that we celebrated further before I went and
slept at a friend’s house. The next day we repeated our vows outside
in the beautiful gardens of the Dainfern Country Club, followed by
the wedding reception. I had organized a professional disco and video
coverage of the wedding. It turned out to be a fantastic party, which
everybody thoroughly enjoyed. I was 31 and married for the second
time. My career was progressing well, I was settled and happy. And
I was about to travel overseas again, this time to the Comores on
honeymoon. Getting married is an expensive way to get to travel!
Lessons learned:
51. For key life decisions such as engagement, marriage and having children,
try and make sure that both spouses agree to this in advance. This can only
be achieved by communication and compromise. If left unresolved you could
find yourself in a position where you are forced to make a hasty decision.
52. Never allow yourself to be ‘held to ransom’ by a service provider or supplier.
If you believe you are being taken advantage of, or pushed into a corner due
to external pressures, then do not back down.
77

It was at about this time that negotiations had started between Ohio
and much larger software company called SPL that was also listed on
the JSE. Ohio had gone through a bad period but we had managed to
trade our way out of it. Peter, the original founder of the group was
also keen to look for a way in which he could exit the company as he
had plans to move to America. Norman had already emigrated with
his family to Perth. After some protracted negotiations SPL bought
Ohio and we became part of a much bigger company.
I found the change to be positive as SPL had the most amazing culture
and value system for a company that I had ever experienced. Simple
statements like ‘Nobody is a Nobody’ were actually lived. There was
also a fairly eclectic mix of intellectual talent. People respected each
other and everybody was treated as an equal. The company had a flat
management structure so there was no such thing as a corporate ladder
to climb. People were paid according to their worth, not according to
their position. There was a great vibe.
We became a separate division and Peter moved into a full-time
software-development role as we were developing a new software
language at the time. I was never in favour of us trying to develop a
new language as there was no way that we could compete with the large
software companies of the world like Microsoft. We did it nonetheless.
Rob, who was previously chairman of Ohio, became the managing
director of our division but at the same time took on responsibility
to assist another division in the SPL group that was struggling at the
time. I was the sales director of our division. It was not long before
things began to fall apart as our resources were stretched trying to
78
My career—part 2
support four different applications and technologies. Rob asked me to
take over the management of the company because he had his hands
full with the other division that was in serious trouble. So I took over
and decided to change our approach. There were many things that we
managed to achieve because we made every staff member feel part
of the company, allowed them to speak their minds without fear of
retribution. It worked, things started to improve, we started making
good profits and morale was high. During this time I worked on a
commission-only basis while on sales, and a profit-share basis when I
took over the management of the company. It was risky, because if we
made a loss one month it meant I actually owed the company money.
In the end the risk was worth it as I earned more than I could have on
a regular salary.
Lessons learned:
53. The key to a successful company is the staff. If they are treated with
respect, consulted for their opinions and allowed to grow, they will contribute
to the success of the company in a significant way.
In 1994 SPL was acquired by Dimension Data (DiData) who were also
a JSE-listed company. DiData is a networking company and wanted to
expand into the software and services domains. They were an exciting
young company which had achieved remarkable growth year on year.
Their culture was different to SPL’s. It was a high-pressure, aggressive
culture. They were driven to produce the best possible financial results
quarter on quarter, year on year. They worked hard and partied hard but
they rewarded their employees with share options which allowed many
of their staff to realize wealth they could never otherwise have dreamed
of. On the other end of the scale SPL was laid back, an environment that
allowed their staff to realize intellectual achievements yet produced by
comparison, rather mediocre financial results.
In my division, two of the four applications we were supporting at
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery My career—part 2

the time were the applications that I had been involved in writing and In late 1996 I was transferred to Projects, the largest division in SPL
developing. The newer version was released and we had to find a way to assist Mike, the managing director of that division. Mike is nine
of either converting all the existing customers or managing down the years older than me and had already developed a successful career. He
number of resources supporting these applications, in order to reduce was earmarked as the next managing director of SPL and I was to be
costs. Our customers did not want to convert because they loved the groomed to eventually take over Mike’s position. I met Mike for the
software and the newer software required more powerful computers first time when Ohio became part of SPL and we clicked from day
to run it. This meant an additional cost to them which they did not one so I was excited about this new opportunity. I enjoyed the new
want to incur. The SPL financial director suggested a management role as it was different to what I had been doing for so long. Mike
buy-out of these applications which meant taking over the software and I worked extremely well together as our skills and personalities
development and support responsibility as well as the customer base. complemented each other. It worked so well for us that we continued
I discussed this with Annie as I believed this would be a wonderful working together for the next ten years.
opportunity for her. I did not want to be part of it because I had
been supporting this software for the last ten years. I wanted a fresh
challenge within the SPL group. At first she was not so keen but the
more we looked at it the more it made sense. I could not be directly
involved in the negotiations as there was a conflict of interest. I was
managing director of the company that was disposing of these assets
and I was married to the purchaser. Obviously I could provide Annie
with advice on what was fair and reasonable to both parties and I did
so. Once the negotiations were concluded I helped her establish the
company. I also provided her with the finance to purchase the assets
and goodwill of the company. She was now the proud owner of her
own business supporting the software that I had been responsible for
writing and developing.

Lessons learned:
54. You need to remove yourself from any situation where you find you may
have a conflict of interest. You cannot be both referee and player. In these
situations you need to be consistent in your views and position as you cannot
play both sides of the field.

80 81

Soon after we were married in October 1992 Annie started talking
about having a child. I wanted to travel but any comment about that
brought a sharp response as to how selfish I was. I had now been on
two holidays the previous year, so what was my problem? Annie was
taking birth-control pills and I was checking that she was—every time
I brushed my teeth I would do my forensic investigation. Each day the
tablet was removed from the strip ... good girl. We had enjoyed our
skiing holiday with Rob and Des so much that we agreed to ski again
in late January 1994. So the issue about having a child now was solved
for the time being, or so I thought.
In the middle of 1993 Annie surprised me with the news that she
was pregnant. This was impossible as she was taking her birth-control
pills, right? I have to confess that I never actually saw her swallow
them but then again I am such a trusting fellow. Despite her sticking
to her story that she had in fact been taking them I knew in my gut
that she hadn’t. If she was capable of giving out a wedding date without
consulting with me why would she need to discuss having a child with
me? Or am I being unreasonable?
I was livid. Of course I wanted a child with her but not then. The
projected birth date was late January 1994 when I was supposed to
be reliving my glory on the ski slopes! At first I said that I was still
going skiing and hopefully the baby would be born before I left, but
obviously that view was driven by my anger. So skiing was now going
to be put on hold for some time to come.
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The cracks appear in my second marriage
I quickly got over my anger and life moved on. Later that year we
decided to extend our house and build on a large entertainment area.
So while the house was expanding so was Annie.
It was also around this time that I was running SPL Ohio and trying
to restore it to profitability. As always, the hours were fairly long for
both of us and in between we were overseeing building operations.
Things were good. We had our arguments of course, but nothing
excessive and they were always resolved after a period of time. With
hindsight I can see that we were both stubborn and difficult people
and neither wanted to let the other get the upper hand.
Stevan was born on 28 January 1994. It was an eventful day as
that morning just before Annie started going into labour, our doctor
informed us that our domestic worker’s wife had been diagnosed with
HIV. Netto is a Malawian whom I had employed as our domestic
worker a few years previously. I had just paid for a ticket for his wife
to fly from Malawi to join him as we had thought that she could help
with the new baby. As it turned out she could barely speak English and
from the time she arrived she was sickly. Annie decided to send her
to our doctor for treatment and to be tested at the same time. I was in
my office when I got the frantic call from Annie saying that she had
started her labour. In the same call she told me that Margaret had been
diagnosed as HIV positive. What she failed to tell me was that she had
not told Netto. I rushed home to fetch my wife and as I ran into the
house I saw Netto and told him not to have sex with his wife until I
got back from the hospital with condoms. He clearly didn’t understand
me and it was only while driving Annie to the hospital that she told
me that Netto was not aware of his wife’s HIV status. Being a Friday,
it also happened to be the weekend my children were to come to me.
I decided that I was going to meet that commitment as I did not want
Brett and Shayna to feel alienated by the birth of their half-brother.
So after I had Annie settled in the maternity ward I checked with
the gynaecologist whether it was okay for me to leave for a couple of
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
hours and then went to fetch them. I took them home and explained
what was happening regarding the birth and how it would not affect
them in any way, but they did not look convinced. Brett was nine and
Shayna was six. Then I had to give Netto the bad news about his wife’s
HIV status. I really felt sad for him as he had been working hard over
the years to send money back to his wife in Malawi and clearly she had
been unfaithful to him.
A few months later, Annie went back to work on a half-day basis.
We had certainly missed her contribution. What she managed to do
in half a day was more than others did in an entire day. She tried to
balance her time and efforts so as to give Stevan as much quality time
as possible.
In 1996, when Stevan was about two and a half, Annie started her
new business. I thought this was a fantastic move for her, as it allowed
her to develop a lot more self-confidence and -esteem. On the exterior
she had always come across as confident, however, underneath it was
not always so. In typical Annie fashion she launched herself into her
business and did a fantastic job in managing the transition with the
customers. The customers had been comfortable knowing they were
dealing with a company that was part of the Dimension Data group.
Moving to a small, privately owned company was risky for them.
But very few customers were lost in the process and she set about
improving the service levels and response times. It worked. It was a
profitable business from day one.
The only problem was that she had no access to programmers to fix
problems, add enhancements and to customize the software. So guess
who was saddled with this? My life then revolved around my day job
at SPL and my night job helping Annie. Almost every evening was
spent programming as well as on weekends. It got even worse when
Woolworths, an existing customer, required a whole new application
to be developed. At the time all the franchised Woolworths stores
used the software I had developed, for point of sale, stock control and
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The cracks appear in my second marriage
ordering. The company-owned stores used software that Woolworths’
IT department had developed. They had their own project team
of over ten people working on the same application that had to be
developed. By comparison, there I was on my own, developing the
same application part-time. Financially it was lucrative for Annie to
have such a project, but for me it was a nightmare. We had a three-
month deadline within which we had to, or should I say I had to,
deliver the project. So for the next three months I worked my day job,
came home between 17h30 and 18h00 and worked until 02h00 the
next morning. On weekends I worked almost non-stop. We never went
out, I never moved from the home office, I never spent any quality
time with Brett and Shayna when they came over for the weekend. I
met the deadline, I delivered the same result as their ten-man project
team in the same time, but I was worn out. The ‘fun’ wasn’t over
because a huge backlog of problems and customization requests had
built up from all the other customers while I was bogged down in the
Woolworths project. So the long hours continued.
In the early days when I had first started the business with Cedric, I
employed a very good friend of mine as a programmer. We had grown
up together since primary-school days, although he was a year ahead
of me. By the time he completed his military service and university
degree, I had established the company with Cedric and we needed an
extra hand. Marcel stayed with me as a minority shareholder for many
years, but eventually left to do his own thing in 1992. He knew the
software, so Annie used him as a programmer on a contract basis from
time to time. In a way this was what created great frustration for me.
Annie owned 100% of the company. I had no idea of what profits she
was making as she never shared this with me. In fact, she password-
protected the accounting software so I could never see the financials.
Marcel would quote her for each job and she would happily pay him.
Me—nada, zippo, zilch. Here I was busting my gut for nothing. The
work I did for new projects and enhancements generated hundreds of
85
Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery The cracks appear in my second marriage

thousands of rands revenue and profit for her business. We argued many exactly where I stood or is it more correct to say, where she wanted
times about this issue but she had a view that she was contributing her me to stand?
equal share to the costs of our household, so that was fair. She also said I resigned sometime late in April 1998 and took on a new opportunity
I was earning my own salary which I didn’t share with her. The point at Computer Configurations Holdings, on a two-year contract as it
she intentionally did not get was that I was ‘working’ for her, after was only two years to the year 2000.
hours and for no reward so why should I bother if there was nothing
in it for me and everything in it for her? Lessons learned:
At the end of the Woolworths project, she did pay for us to go to 55. Money is a dangerous thing, especially in any form of partnership, if it is
Mauritius for two weeks and paid for Brett and Shayna to fly out to join not clearly defined as to how the money is to be earned, distributed and/
us for the second week. But that was it. Her approach to her business or shared. Irrespective of the type of partnership—business, personal or
clearly demonstrated to me that we were not in a partnership. She had marriage—it should be addressed as early as possible and submitted to a
forgotten that I had created the opportunity for her, convinced her to written agreement to prevent any possible acrimonious fallout later.
do it, provided the capital she needed to start the business (although 56. Being placed under pressure to have a child/another child should never
she did pay that back), that I did all the programming and created huge occur if you abide by lesson 51.
profits for her. I chose to forget about it and live with it, but in reality 57. Being forced to change your career or your area of residence should never
I never forgave her for it and I never forgot. occur if you abide by lesson 51.
In 1998, I had an opportunity to make a career move which I
believed would be financially rewarding. I discussed this with Annie
and it was then that I found out what she had planned for us. She had
decided that she wanted us to get out of the corporate world and the
Johannesburg rat race—she wanted to live on the coast. She believed
it would be a better environment in which to bring up kids. Stevan
was now four and Annie wanted another child. This caused lots of
fights because I wasn’t keen on another child and she was dead set on
having one. In her opinion, I was extremely selfish because I had two
children with Jenny and she also wanted two children. In the end, I
eventually gave in as it was not worth the constant altercations. As far
as my career was concerned, I had to make a plan. Her business was
no problem as it could literally be run from anywhere, providing that
there were telephone lines for modem support.
I was told that if we had not moved to the coast by the year 2000,
then she would divorce me and move there anyway. So now I knew

86 87

I learned a lot working in the Projects division of SPL. Because every
project is a risk, I had to spend a great deal of my time ‘fire-fighting’—
sorting out problems with customers, managing expectations and the
like. It was an interesting and challenging time. Mike and I became
very close friends; we would share ideas and debate issues. He was the
‘salesman’—slick, smooth and operating best when ‘winging’ it. He
would make the promises to customers and staff and I would make
sure that the promises were delivered on.
For a long time another company had tried to head-hunt him.
Computer Configurations was a real upstart. They were a hardware
company but they wanted to expand into the software and services
domains and they needed someone to make it happen for them. Their
chairman was a real maverick, but he was passionate and successful.
Mike had brushed him off for a long time. He never said anything
about this to me but I knew him well enough to know something
was up. He eventually succumbed to an offer he could not refuse. He
walked into my office late one afternoon in February 1998 and sat
down. His first words were “There is something I want to talk to you
about.”
Before he could say another word I asked: “Which company are you
going to join?”
In a way he was surprised but by now we could second-guess each
other. He told me that he had accepted the position as Chief Executive
Officer (CEO) of Computer Configurations Holdings (CCH). I was
delighted for him. He asked me if I would leave SPL and join him at
CCH. At first I wasn’t sure, but we had worked well together, so it
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My career—part 3
was worth considering. I thought about it for a second and told him to
make me an offer that “I couldn’t understand” and I would join him.
The ball was now in his court. As is the norm in these cases, after
resigning, Mike left SPL immediately and took a few weeks’ leave as
he was only due to take up his position on 1 April 1998.
Some months prior to this event Sieg, the financial director of SPL,
had left the group to take up the position of CEO of another listed IT
company called Unihold. Sieg and Mike were also good friends and
they had made a pact not to poach staff from each other. The minute
Sieg heard that Mike had resigned he called me, as the pact no longer
applied. I decided to meet with him and the chairman of Unihold.
After a few rounds of discussions they made me a formal offer. It was
an attractive offer but I wanted to wait to see what offer CCH were
prepared to put on the table.
During this period Neil, the CEO of SPL, approached me. He knew
that Mike and I had a great relationship and wanted to know what
my thoughts and plans were. I was totally honest and told him that I
was considering a few different options and that it was likely I would
accept one of them. My reasons for considering alternative offers rather
than stay at SPL were driven primarily by financial gain. I needed to
maximize my earnings and wealth-creation potential, because I had
recently ‘agreed’ to leave the corporate world by the year 2000 in order
to preserve my marriage. I enjoyed the culture at SPL but in truth it
was no longer the culture of old as DiData had stamped their ethos on
the company. But still, it was a great company to be working for.
Lessons learned:
58. In any work situation you should be clear to communicate your intentions,
as it is unfair to the other party if they have to work on assumptions.
59. If you are ever in a position which allows you to evaluate several options, do
so. However, do not play one against the other in an unfair or unreasonable
manner.
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Late Awakening: A journey of spiritual discovery
In April 1998, once Mike had settled in, he invited me to a meeting
with Mario, the maverick chairman of CCH. I enjoyed meeting with
him and found him to be an extremely passionate and driven person.
It was as if he had to prove to the world just how capable he was.
He ruled his empire with an iron fist and the staff were petrified of
him. Most of the senior executives who worked for him were nothing
more than ‘yes men’ who seldom challenged him. I explained that I
would only commit to a two-year contract due to my personal plans
and they accepted. I left the meeting in a positive frame of mind and
Mike promised to give me a written offer in the next couple of days.
I received the offer and although it was reasonably generous, I felt
that I was worth more. I had a subsequent meeting with Mike to talk
about it and he in turn discussed it with Mario. They then submitted
an offer that I felt was acceptable but before committing I requested a
one-on-one with Mario. When I met with him I told him that I was
keen to join his group, however, I was a little concerned as to how I
would fit in as I was not prepared to be a ‘yes man’. I explained that I
had always voiced my opinion and debated issues I did not agree with,
but I had no problem in changing my mind if a better point of view
was expressed. He laughed and said that he would expect nothing less
from me. I was comfortable as I felt it then and now know for sure that
he always honours his word. I agreed to join and I started my tenure
at CCH on my 37th birthday, 1 June 1998.
When I joined CCH they had about 120 employees who were
predominantly focused on the hardware that they sold. CCH had
recently listed on the stock exchange and had big plans but generally
the staff were inexperienced in dealing at senior corporate level. My
initial role was to introduce a professional approach to large tenders or
deal opportunities that they were targeting. Part of the differentiation
was to be able to offer complementary services from the other CCH
business units. To do this we had to have a group-sales focus which
meant a sales effort from a company level rather than business-unit
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My career—part 3
level. I set about planning this but, unbeknown to me at the time, this
caused a huge political problem, as Anne, who was the sales director,
felt that this was her responsibility. So it became a turf war. Although
she was a good salesperson, I was more experienced and capable than
her, but as soon as Mike mentioned her “concerns”, I offered to back
off and do something else as I had no career objectives at CCH, with
me being on a short-term contract. So my first job at CCH lasted
exactly one month.
I was then appointed as a director of their fledgling professional
services business unit. There were only about ten people in this
company and in reality all they offered were peripheral services
around the hardware that was sold by CCH. They were extremely
inexperienced and lacked professionalism but their intentions
were good. By now Shaun, another friend and colleague from SPL
had joined CCH. He also joined the services business unit and
together we set about our task of transforming the business unit into
something meaningful. I introduced new standards for all forms of
documentation—correspondence, proposals, presentations, service-
level agreements etc. We began to engage in our sales opportunities
in a more professional way which resulted in us winning a lot more
business than had previously been the case.
In June 1998, CCH made their biggest acquisition of a company at
that time. They acquired Software Futures Group (SFG), an exciting
software company led by a dynamic lady by the name of Aletha. In July
1998 Andrew, one of the directors of SFG, had called on Norwich Life
which was a customer of theirs. He had found out that as a result of
Fedsure, another larger insurance group acquiring Norwich, there was
an outsourcing opportunity at Norwich Life. Andrew had approached
Mike to tell him about it and Mike immediately called me in to the
meeting. Mike and I had been involved in outsourcing deals at SPL so
he felt that my experience would add value to this opportunity. As it
turned out I was scheduled to attend a conference in Cape Town the
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following week so it was appropriate for me to meet with Andrew and
Leon who was the IT General Manager at Norwich. As Anne was also
attending the conference, she decided that she would join us.
When we met with Leon it became clear that we were entering into
the fray at a very late stage as several other large IT companies had
already submitted their proposals and had made their presentations.
Leon even went so far as to say that they had already narrowed it down
to a shortlist of two companies but if we felt we had something great
to put forward they would allow us that opportunity. Leon felt that
a decision had to be made soon as his staff members were anxious
about the takeover by Fedsure and some of them had already resigned
to pursue other career opportunities. Such quick timing did not suit
me as I was due to go on an overseas golfing trip to Malaysia the
following day. This had been arranged nine months earlier—I had
paid for everything, we had our visas, and we were ready to go.
After the meeting we stood in the carpark outside Norwich’s offices
and chatted about the opportunity. In my gut I knew that we could
win the deal if we could differentiate ourselves from the opposition. I
knew exactly how we could do it but nobody else in the CCH group
at that time had the experience to pull it off and I was due to fly out
the following evening.
I had to make an immediate decision. I would tell Anne and Andrew
that I was cancelling my trip in order to manage the bid. I immediately
called Annie and caught her in the bank just as she had collected our
foreign currency. I told her that we weren’t going. Understandably she
was not pleased but she accepted it. I then called my golfing friends to
explain my predicament and needless to say they were also unhappy
but they understood. We returned to Johannesburg that evening and
we agreed to meet the next day to plan our approach.
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Lessons learned:
60. Your personal life must always come first, work always second. However,
there are times when you have to make personal sacrifices for your work.
Trust your gut to lead you to make the correct decisions when faced with
these choices.
At this time CCH had a limited staff component in Cape Town. There
were no professional services staff such as support personnel, software
developers, project managers etc. As it was our stated intention that
we wanted to grow our services company in this area, I believed that
this was an ideal opportunity for us to do this in one swift move. In
those times, the conventional outsourcing modus operandi was that
the new ‘owners’ of a business would interview all the staff of the
company/business unit that they had acquired and selectively offer
employment to those deemed appropriate; the staff not selected were
given retrenchment packages. My idea was to guarantee all Norwich’s
staff a position, as this would differentiate our offering from our
competitors who were all larger, more established companies than
CCH. This approach contained risks in that out of the 120-odd IT
staff members that Norwich had there was bound to be some dead
wood among them. I suggested that in time the dead wood would
be removed by peer pressure as we had seen this happen many times
before. The environment would be different as it would no longer be
a corporate ‘IT shop’ that was a cost centre for Norwich, but it would
now become a business unit that had to deliver profits. Bonuses would
be affected by any staff who did not pull their weight, which would be
the driver to transform their attitude or capabilities ... or to push them
out. The board of directors agreed with my approach, so I went ahead
and put our bid together.
Besides the different approach I ‘sold’ other benefits such as the fact
that they would essentially remain together in a new company, not
to mention the excitement of them being part of one of the fastest-
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growing IT companies listed on the JSE at that time. Share options
were promised and our share price was going through the roof. In
a little more than 18 months from the time CCH listed at R2.00
per share it had grown to approximately R41.00 per share. No other
company could match that performance.
Part of the deal was that we were guaranteed a contract to supply
services back to Fedsure/Norwich as the existing systems and networks
had to continue operating during the transition period. Over a period
of time the costs to them would be managed down and we would
relocate staff to other projects and customers. This was potentially a
lucrative deal for us if we managed the resources effectively.
The following week Andrew and I went back to Cape Town to
present our proposal to Leon. As I described our approach I could
see that Leon was impressed and that he liked it. We spent an hour
discussing the merits of the offer. Before we left he said he felt positive
about it and would discuss it with his IT management team and get
back to us. A few days later Leon called to ask me to come down to
Cape Town to meet with his management team as they were impressed
with our approach and wanted to discuss it in detail with us. Andrew
and I met with them and they were extremely positive. They told us
that although they supported our bid we would have to convince the
executives of Norwich and Fedsure as well. A time slot was allocated
to us to present to them and for this I requested that Anne and Mike
be there as well. Mike is a great presenter who comes across extremely
well. I had him present the credentials of CCH and I presented our
approach to the opportunity. It went extremely well and we felt we
had achieved our objectives. There was however one small snag—Joe,
the Group IT Manager of Fedsure, had a good relationship with one
of the other large companies we were competing against. In fact, I am
certain to this day that he had unofficially told them that they were
going to be awarded the contract. By now we had developed great
momentum so we asked them to allow us to present to all the 120 IT
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My career—part 3
staff members. Once again at this presentation we blew them away
and it could not have gone any better. We had now convinced the
staff, the IT management group and most of the Norwich executive
team. However, Joe from Fedsure was still wavering. He was based
in Johannesburg so we arranged to meet with him and eventually
we managed to get his buy-in as well. We were awarded the deal. It
was such an important deal for us to win at the time because we had
successfully competed against all the big established IT companies.
We were now on the map and we were considered a serious player.
After we had received the good news which was provided in the
form of a letter of intent, I went to meet with Leon and he surprised
me with his announcement that he had resigned and was leaving to
join Sanlam. I had not expected this at all and part of our planning
was based on the assumption that he would be joining us. He said he
was due to start there soon but he would keep in touch with me and
maybe we would do some business together. At the time I assumed it
was small talk, the kind of things people say but don’t really mean, but
as things turned out, he was true to his word.
Now the work really started for Shaun and me as we had to do a
detailed due-diligence report on the current status of the applications,
networks and activities that were being provided by the Norwich IT
department. We had to know what we had to deliver and to do this
we had to understand what the problems were as well as the quality
of service as perceived by the users of the services and systems. In
addition I had started developing the Heads of Agreement between
CCH and Norwich/Fedsure. Despite no formal legal background, I
had always involved myself in contract negotiations and had written
up many legal agreements during my career. For some reason I was
very good at it and was comfortable doing so without having to
consult legal experts. A few weeks later we officially signed the Heads
of Agreement.
It took a fair amount of time to document every system and service
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provided by the IT department. We had to do this to prevent any
‘scope creep’ from the customer. We could not afford to continue to
develop applications or service them if new requirements were not
charged for on normal commercial terms. We finally got on top of it
and these findings were to form part of the final agreement and the
various service-level agreements.
Our next major task was to start the staff-transition process. This
meant we had to personally interview 120 people and deal with each
and every one of their questions, concerns or issues. We also had to be
upbeat about CCH and how wonderful it was going to be for them.
Mike and I decided to call on an older colleague from our SPL days
who was considered to be a doyen in the services world. Mike H had
retired by then but was willing to assist us on the project. Shaun, Mike
H and I divided the staff into three groups of 40 people and we started
one Monday morning at 08h00 with our one-on-one interviews. Each
interview was scheduled to be an hour long but most went on a little
longer. We each saw eight people a day that whole week. I cannot begin
to explain how tiring and draining this process was. You had to deal
with lots of the same questions, lots of so-called promises that had not
been delivered to them, lots of personal and petty issues, office politics
and the like. The whole time you had to be attentive, empathetic and
upbeat, constantly reassuring them about how good this opportunity
was for them. By Friday evening we were absolutely exhausted but
we managed to make the 19h00 flight back to Johannesburg. Our
new staff members were generally happy and excited about their new
careers with CCH.
Most of the following weeks I spent in Cape Town, helping
establish our new business, sorting out people issues and establishing
relationships with our new customer. It was extremely tiring and hard
work but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
A few months later, true to his word, I received a call from Leon
at Sanlam. He asked me to come down and see him as he had some
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ideas he wanted to discuss. He had taken on a senior job with more
than 300 IT staff reporting to him. Sanlam were in the process of
trying to migrate from their legacy systems, many of them developed
in older technologies. He had to balance the need to maintain and
support these systems while releasing staff to be retrained in newer
technologies. At the same time, he was under huge pressure to reduce
costs in his division. Together we conceived a model that would help
him accommodate all these issues. In simple terms we would take
over about 100 of his staff and we would contract them back to Sanlam
for guaranteed periods each year. This would reduce Sanlam’s costs,
as they would not have to be employed on a permanent basis. We
would also re-skill them and contract them back to Sanlam to work
on the new systems being developed in newer technologies. We would
also utilize these staff members on other projects as they all had vast
experience in the insurance industry. Leon asked me to submit a formal
proposal but also said that he would have to extend this opportunity
to other large IT companies as Sanlam would not only consider one
bid. So he invited the other companies that we had competed against
for the Norwich deal to submit their proposals as well. No problem, I
thought; we had outperformed them before and now we had a bit of
an inside track with Leon as we had established a professional working
relationship built on trust and honesty.
The sales process started all over again and we went through the
same hoops, selling the idea to their executive, selling it to their IT
management team and selling it to the staff who were going to be
affected. This process took much longer than expected and it was
only after six months that we finally managed to win the deal. The
number of staff that we took on initially was about sixty. This meant
that we now had a services company with approximately 180 people
in the Western Cape. That was serious critical mass and we were now
a major player. We appointed Gerry as the managing director, so it
became his responsibility to deal with the staff-transitioning issues.
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At about the same time Anne had started to put together the group
sales structure. I was asked to join the team to look after major bids
and deals. I had developed the group’s standards for presentations,
proposals and sales processes. I had helped run sales training courses,
and I had helped develop a sales methodology to manage complex
sales—I was essentially the glue that pulled and held these activities
together. I was called into all sorts of activities and I thrived on it.
I was a mentor for many different people and I loved sharing my
knowledge, my experience and my intellect. Sharing these aspects is
far more powerful and rewarding than retaining them. I was no longer
seen as a threat as I had continuously made it clear that I was only there
until 31 May 2000.
At board level, however, the politics were rife and it soon became
clear to me that Mike was being undermined and attacked by other
directors who had their own agendas. Mike was on leave around
September 1999 when some of the others decided to persuade Mario
to get rid of him. When Mike got back I met with him and told him
what I had learned. Mike met with Mario and after some discussions
over a period of time, Mike decided to leave. I did not agree with the
decision but if I were in Mike’s place I would have done the same. The
directors who got their way were not up to standard as far as I was
concerned but they had worked with Mario for many years and knew
how to manipulate his thinking.
Aletha, who was not part of the palace revolution, was then appointed
as the group managing director. I had worked extremely well with her
and we had a lot of mutual respect. Knowing that Mike was a close
personal friend of mine she asked me whether she could count on my
support. I was happy to offer it. A major restructuring of the group then
took place which resulted in yet another change of job for me. Several
companies were consolidated into what was called the Hosted Services
Group. They included a business-recovery company, an outsourced
call centre, the traditional services company, an outsourced data centre
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and a consulting company. I was asked to take up the position of sales
director for this group from November 1999.
Shortly after Mike had left, I made a decision to sell all my remaining
shares in CCH. This decision was a difficult one because of the
timing. I felt that there was risk in the market as it had settled down
significantly and with it CCH’s share price had eased down to a more
realistic value. My gut feel was that it was going to get worse. Added
to this was my belief that the palace revolution was not the right thing
at that time. I instructed Howard, our human resources director, to
sell all my shares. He was a fantastic colleague and we got on well. He
knew me to speak my mind and I did whenever it was required. In
discussing the repercussions of my decision, I made it quite clear that
I did not care one iota how any of the directors perceived the disposal
of my shares. They were my shares that I had earned and paid for so
I was free to do with them whatever I chose. I sold them all. It turned
out to be the best decision for me as the CCH share price began to
collapse not long after that.
Lessons learned:
61. Greed is a dangerous disease which you need to manage. With shares,
when you purchase/acquire them, you need to set the price at which you
are prepared to sell them. When this price is reached then sell immediately,
irrespective of what the share price is or what the market is doing. If you
hang on too long the share price can collapse far quicker that it can rise.
I did not enjoy the last seven months of my time at CCH for a number
of reasons, some business and others personal. On the business front
the whole culture had changed: paranoia reigned supreme. There was
no longer the feeling of collective effort. I did not agree with some
of the decisions regarding the strategy. Mario was no longer himself
as he had some medical problems and was also being investigated for
insider trading. The sentiment of the market to CCH had turned
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from extremely positive to somewhere closer to neutral. Too many
acquisitions had been made and some of them were not good decisions.
The group had essentially grown too big, too quickly. And yes, politics
were rife.
When I finally completed my contract at the end of May 2000, I
was relieved. It had been a phenomenal two years during which I
had learned much and shared more. It was time to move on to other
opportunities, but first I had to fulfil a request for a favour.
Frederick was at one stage the managing director of the business-
recovery company within the group. He was shifted sideways, a
politically inspired move, when the company was consolidated into
the Hosted Services Group. He was essentially made a salesman and
had to report to me. Frederick had joined CCH before they listed on
the stock exchange so he had been with the group from the early days.
He has the most fantastic sense of humour and is a joke-teller of note.
I often said to him that he should have been a stand-up comic. We
had become good friends over the two years I was there. I am not one
for farewell parties and so I had never had one when I left SPL and
insisted on not having one when I left CCH.
Frederick was in the process of employing a salesperson when I left.
He had interviewed a few but called me a couple of days after I had
left. He asked me to do him a personal favour by interviewing this one
female candidate that he was not sure of. I said to him that he was more
than capable of doing this himself as he had done so often before. But
he insisted and I relented. On the day of the interview I went to the
offices a little earlier than the scheduled time so I could read her CV
and any other notes that he could give me. He wasn’t there and had
switched off his mobile telephone. At 12h00, the scheduled time of the
interview, he came rushing in and apologized for being late and said
that the candidate had arrived and was in the downstairs reception.
I asked him for her CV as he ushered me into the boardroom which
was located in the centre of the offices and had clear glass all around.
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Normally the blinds were drawn to give some privacy but on this day
the blinds on one side were up. He motioned for me to sit on one side
of the table, which at the time seemed strange as I had run many a
meeting there and I usually sat wherever I wanted to. I sat with my
back facing the drawn-up blinds. He left me and then returned with
this young, attractive lady and introduced me. She sat down opposite
me and Fredrick left on the pretext of getting her CV for me.
I hate chitchat as a rule. Making conversation is not something that
I enjoy doing but I had to start somewhere. I asked her what Frederick
had told her about the position. I was astonished by her response,
which was basically to tell me that she could not remember all the
details so would I please tell her again. I could not believe what I was
hearing and immediately wondered how he could even consider her
let alone ask her to return for a second interview. I wanted to end the
interview there and then, but new labour laws had been introduced
and you had to be careful that you did not do anything silly, like tell her
to get lost after only two minutes into the interview. I bit my tongue
and patiently began to describe the company and the role. While I
was speaking she interrupted me and said she was extremely hot and
asked if I would mind if she took her jacket off. I said the central air
conditioning seemed to be working perfectly, but if she felt the need
to do so, she could remove her jacket. She did so, only to show a huge
amount of cleavage. I continued without missing a beat—or a peak for
that matter. My eye contact was even more pronounced as I was not
going to be caught by any silly attempt that she appeared to be making.
As I was speaking she started unbuttoning her top to reveal an ample
bosom which was not being supported by anything other than the
silicone that had clearly been successfully inserted by an extremely
talented surgeon. I told at her to stop but she said she was extremely
hot. I said that was tough luck and she would just have to withstand
the normal temperature. The next thing, she stood up and in a flash
her skirt was off, along with her top, leaving her in a G-string and
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high heels. If that wasn’t scary enough she started to move around the
boardroom table towards me. Me? I was up and off in a shot around
the other side of the table to get away from this lunatic. As I got to the
other side, I could see about 20 of my colleagues standing behind the
clear glass howling with laughter. They had made a complete fool of
me; they had been watching the show totally unbeknown to me. I have
got to state that the relief I felt was far greater than my embarrassment.
They had organized some drinks and snacks so in the end, courtesy of
Frederick, I had a small farewell party.
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After I had signed my contract with CCH which was sometime early
in May 1998, Annie and I decided to take a week off to start looking
for a place on the coast where we would ultimately move to. I did
not want to live in Cape Town or Durban so we agreed to look for
something in between these two cities. We planned to fly to George
and then start looking from somewhere west of Plettenberg Bay and
down to Hermanus. The trip was purely to allow us to get a feel for
the different towns and the available schooling. It was only meant to
be window-shopping.
We started our exploration and when we got to Knysna we really
liked the setting. We met with estate agents and looked at properties
in town. Late one afternoon we were driving around and saw this big
sign for a golfing-estate development called Sparrebosch. It was at the
bottom of a new road that went up to the top of a hill. My immediate
reaction was to move on as I had told Annie that I wasn’t interested in
living on a densely developed golfing estate like Dainfern in Sandton.
She said we had time so why not check it out. We called the agent by
the name of Charmaine and agreed to meet her the next day. And
so we went into this new development which had only recently been
launched. We had to drive around in a 4WD vehicle as there were no
roads worth mentioning. We were taken to a section that overlooked
the whole of the Knysna lagoon. It was one of the most beautiful
views you could imagine. In an instant we were both sold. We spent
some time there and listened to the plans for the estate. Clearly it was
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not going to be a densely populated development like Dainfern. We
left there as the sun was setting, admiring the view on the drive out.
When we got back to our bed & breakfast accommodation, we chatted
about it. This was worth pursuing so we decided to check out the local
schools the next day.
Stevan was due to start primary school in 2000 and Annie was happy
with a private school called Oakhill that we had visited. As there was
only one private school in Knysna that was the end of the school tour.
(Annie refused to consider government schools.)
We met with Charmaine again later that afternoon and looked at
the available plots that shared the special view. We made our decision
and so I bought it and paid the deposit. There was another plot about
three plots down from ours that had the best view, but it had just been
sold to a local Knysna resident. I asked Charmaine to find out and let
me know if he was ever interested in selling. We left the next day and
continued on our trip but this time we were just sight-seeing. We flew
back from Cape Town and a few days later I started my new ‘career’
at CCH.
We started to contact various local architects and arranged to meet
them on site. We flew down one weekend and gave our brief to each
of them. A little while later we received the draft sketches and outlines
from each of them. We decided to go with a certain young lady as she
clearly knew what we were looking for. We commissioned her and she
drew up the plans. After several alterations we finally signed off.
In February 1999, I received a call from Charmaine to inform me
that the owners of the other plot were prepared to sell. Obviously
they wanted a premium for it but I was willing to pay for it and so I
bought what I considered to be the stand with the best view. Now we
had a new stand but the plans were for our old stand. Fortunately the
architect managed to ‘invert’ the house and it worked out perfectly.
We then set about appointing developers to start building our dream
house. We found some excellent contractors and construction started
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The demise of my second marriage
in June 1999, and scheduled for completion in early December 1999.
In early 1999, Annie had decided it was time for her to fall pregnant. I
did not agree with the timing but what say did I really have in the end?
I felt that it would be too much for her to handle with the construction
of the house which was due to commence fairly soon. We had to
choose all the finishes which was something that she was going to do.
There were thousands of things that needed to be identified, sourced,
priced and purchased. In addition, we had to make regular site visits
during the construction phase. Being pregnant during this time and
having the baby that soon after we were scheduled to move in didn’t
seem logical or practical, but then again, I’m a man. What if the baby
was premature? And moving to a new house, 1,200 kilometres away,
when you are or eight or nine months’ preganant? Not important—
she’d made up her mind and I had to contribute. Annie fell pregnant
in March 1999.
Around May or June 1999 Mike appointed a dynamic young lady by
the name of Zelda to head up the customer relationship management
business unit. She was extremely ambitious and intelligent. She had
the most outgoing and infectious personality. She was well liked by
all the senior executives. In the beginning I had little interaction with
her and while everyone else was falling about her, I was not even
aware of her. In fact, the first time I met her was in an exco (executive
committee) meeting. Apparently, according to Zelda, Mike and other
executives had been singing my praises and she was looking forward to
meeting me. She was already in the boardroom when I entered. I was
introduced to her. I exchanged simple pleasantries like “Nice to meet
you” and “Welcome to the company” and that was it. Unbeknown
to me she took some offence to my lack of interest in her as it was
something that she was unused to.
Over the next month or two we had a few minor interactions. I
had organized a ‘sales school for managers’ which quite simply was
a training course for all the CCH managers. It helped develop sales
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and personnel management skills. I had asked Noel who ran a sales-
training school to run the course for us. I had attended and helped
him run many of these sales schools over the years and they worked
well. During this very intense, high-pressure three-day course all the
senior managers had to do various role-plays.
In one particular group Noel and I happened to be the mediators
and the role-play that Zelda had to do was an extremely difficult one.
It was one of those where you either excelled or you failed; there was
no middle ground. Zelda had to step out of the class while I explained
to everyone else what we were looking for from her. I explained the
difficulty and if she chose a particular path she would fail. Role-plays
were marked on a points system from 0, with 8 being the perfect
score. When we started she began to take the wrong path with her
approach and, as I was interacting with her in the role-play, I tried to
steer her back, but to no avail. She persisted with her approach until
the conclusion. At the end of it she had to leave the room so that we
could all discuss and agree on her score. Everyone agreed that she had
taken the wrong approach and therefore she had failed. I felt that she
should get a 0 because of the nature of the role-play. In the real world,
with such a lifelike scenario, she would have alienated and lost her best
salesperson due to her approach. To me, there was no reason to award
any points. Noel and the rest of the group felt this was too harsh and
eventually they made me compromise so I reluctantly agreed to award
her one point.
When she returned we discussed the scenario and how she felt she
had handled it. She felt she had done well. We told her the required
actions/behaviour we had expected before telling her she had only
scored one point. You could see the look of horror on her face, but
she said nothing and we moved on. A short while later we broke for
lunch and eventually someone asked where she was. Nobody knew,
but then another female came back to tell Noel and I that Zelda had
been crying in the ladies’ restrooms. Noel suggested that we maybe
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give her another point or two but I flatly refused. My attitude was that
she was fortunate to have had the opportunity to learn from the role-
play, something that might stop her from making the same mistake in
the real world. I later found out that she hated me with a passion for
failing her. It was the first time that she had ever failed in her entire
life. I was to later remind her that it was she who had failed; I only gave
her the score she deserved.
From then on we got on reasonably well. I was quick to ‘chirp’ her
and she enjoyed my sharp wit and sense of humour. She was always
quick to respond so we had lots of laughs seeing who could get the
upper hand.
In August 1999 we had a group sales conference at Sun City. This
was an important event which was held over three days, with all the
executives and sales people from all over the country attending. There
was a big social element to it but equally some serious business took
place. During the whole conference it became clear that there was a
lot of chemistry between Zelda and I, but I kept reminding myself
that I was married and my wife was pregnant. How could I even
entertain the casual flirting that we were both guilty of? Late on the
second and last night we were gambling together at the casino. We
had both consumed far too much alcohol and when we returned to
our rooms she invited me in. I accepted. We drank some more in her
room and we chatted and one thing led to another ... I was once again
cheating on my wife. This was the third time I had been unfaithful
in my life—first it was Sandy, then Annie and now Zelda. I recall the
guilt I felt, but I was attracted to Zelda. She was attractive, she had a
good figure, she was intelligent and she was great fun. Was this my
way of rebelling against Annie? Because, whether I wanted to believe
it or not, she seemed to control our relationship. I did not know at the
time, but I was once again, some ten years later to the month, up to
my old tricks.
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Lessons learned:
62. Alcohol is the most dangerous legal substance around. It is the cause of
many situations with dire consequences. It is always used as a ‘mitigating
factor’ but it is not one. It is a mind-altering substance that allows you to lose
your inhibitions, your emotions, control of your words and control of your
mind. Many a career and many marriages/relationships have been destroyed
by alcohol. There is no excuse; there is only a choice and that is whether you
want to indulge in it or not.
I was not sure where this was going to lead; there is no ‘good’ timing
when it comes to an affair but this was the worst timing possible. I
was married for a second time, I had three children and my wife was
pregnant with the fourth, I had spent millions of rands building our
dream home on the other side of the country which we were shortly
moving in to. Why this, Why now?
Zelda and I could have chosen to treat this as an alcohol-induced
one-night stand but we didn’t. We both felt guilty about it the next
morning but neither of us was sorry that it had happened. It might have
been easier to walk away from the affair if we had not worked together
at the time but we saw each other on a daily basis. Our attraction grew
stronger; we both knew what we were doing was wrong but we could
not stop ourselves. The attraction grew into a deep, passionate love
over the next few months. I had told Zelda that there was no way that
I could leave my wife, not while she was pregnant and we were in the
process of moving to Knysna. We would have to be patient and wait
a couple of years before I could do that. At the time it was clear in my
mind that I would leave Annie; I just did no know when. What was
strange was that we didn’t have a bad marriage, but often there are
many underlying issues that we quietly stash away in the back of our
minds that we choose not to confront. I like to call it mental cowardice
as we want to avoid the unpleasantness of the reaction of the other
party by raising critically important emotional issues. With Annie I
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keep quiet about many things for this very reason. The problem is that
eventually all of these little issues become really big issues, bubbling
away like a volcano, just waiting for the right time to erupt. On their
own they are not that significant but collectively they are lethal. The
spark that began to ignite my collection of issues was meeting Zelda.
The historical issues, my forced ‘retirement’ from my career and
corporate world, my forced relocation to a quiet coastal town at the
ripe old age of 38, my forced acquiescence to having a fourth child—I
guess all these sparked the rebellion. I say this now with the benefit of
hindsight. At the time I really could not understand why I had allowed
myself to have fallen into such a situation.
So we continued our clandestine affair for the next few months,
escaping at any opportunity to spend time together. It was extremely
difficult as some of our colleagues knew of my personal situation and
that I was moving to Knysna with my pregnant wife. In September
1999 I was asked by the CCH executive to attend an important meeting
with CSC (Computer Sciences Corporation) in the United Kingdom.
The meeting was due to take place at 09h00 on a Monday morning
which meant I had to fly out over the weekend. Normally that would
not be a problem but on this particular weekend it was the Currie Cup
rugby final, to be played in Durban between the Natal Sharks and the
Lions, my team that I have passionately supported since I was a child.
I had been invited by an ex-Springbok and Natal rugby player to join
him in a private suite at Kings Park in Durban which I was really
looking forward to. On the Wednesday before the weekend I was
asked to attend the meeting with CSC. Two other CCH colleagues
were also due to attend but they were already in Finland and were
due to fly to London over the weekend where we would meet up on
Sunday. I tried to talk my way out of it but to no avail: I had to go. I
suddenly thought that this might be a great opportunity to spend some
time with Zelda so I asked her to join me. She agreed, so I purchased
her air ticket. We flew from Johannesburg to London on the Friday
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evening, Zelda flew back from London on the Sunday evening and I
flew back on the Monday evening.
On the Friday evening I was due to meet Zelda at the airport as she
had been in Cape Town that day. I got to the airport early enough to
meet her from her incoming flight. As I was starting to approach her
she noticed me and signalled to me to stay away. I was confused at first
but then I noticed another CCH colleague walking just behind her so
I quickly disappeared. That was a fairly close encounter. We then went
to her car to collect her overseas luggage. It was exciting—we flew
business class to London and we were free to be with each other and
not worry who might see us. At least that was what we thought.
The next day we did the next best thing to watching the Currie Cup
final live, we watched it via a live satellite broadcast in the Springbok
pub in Coventry, a local congregation point for South Africans. The
pub was packed to capacity with South Africans wearing green and
gold rugby jerseys. The atmosphere was electric. It is an experience
that I will never ever forget, even more so because the Lions won the
final.
On the Sunday morning we decided to go sight-seeing and shopping.
I wanted to get some gifts for my children so we went to Hamleys,
one of the best-known toy stores in London. Zelda was also looking
for something for her two nephews so we split up. Hamleys has at
least eight floors to it and as fate would have it I walked straight into
Rick, my CCH colleague I was due to meet up with that evening. I
was caught off guard and it showed. He asked me why I was looking
around so anxiously and I responded by telling him I was looking
for a friend of mine who was also in the store. I was a little rude by
cutting off our conversation but I said I was in a bit of a rush and that
I’d catch up with him that evening. Off I went to locate Zelda and
when I did we quickly left the store. Once we got to a little pub we
sat down and as I was about to tell her that I had bumped into Rick,
she told me that she’d seen him as well. She’d got such a fright that she
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ignored him when he called her and carried on walking. We could not
believe that this had happened, many thousands of miles from home,
among millions of people in London. We wondered what the odds of
that were?
Later that day we returned to Heathrow. Zelda flew back and I
checked into the hotel just outside of Heathrow and met up with Rick.
I decided that honesty was the best way of dealing with this situation,
a bit ironic seeing that I was having an illicit affair. I told Rick that
Zelda and I were having an affair, that we loved each other and that
it was not possible to leave my wife at that stage. I did not ask him to
keep it to himself; all I asked of him was that he thought about what
he believed he should do with this information before he used it. To
this day I do not know if he actually told anyone or kept it a secret but
it never came out at work in the next few months.
As an interesting aside, another similar story happened to a friend
of mine who was a professional cricketer. He lived in Cape Town and
played for Western Province. He was quite the playboy but had a steady
girlfriend at that time. It was over the December holidays during which
time a lot of cricket is played in South Africa. His girlfriend wanted
to spend some of the holidays with her parents in Kenya. For obvious
reasons he could not accompany her so he had a few weeks of freedom
to hone his playboy skills. He met this young lady from France and
they went on a three-week summer-holiday fling. She flew back on a
direct flight from Cape Town to Paris but due to technical problems
with the aircraft it was forced to land at Nairobi airport in Kenya.
The passengers disembarked to stay over at a local hotel that night.
At the hotel she had a casual conversation with another lady who just
happened to come from South Africa. The French lady told her how
she’d enjoyed her holiday in South Africa and about this wonderful
man that she’d met in Cape Town who happened to be a professional
cricketer. No prizes for guessing who the South African lady was!
That was the end of his relationship.
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Lessons learned:
63. You cannot hide from fate or your destiny. If you are meant to be caught
doing something you shouldn’t, you will, no matter how clever or discreet
you think you are. There is that wonderful cliché: Don’t tempt fate.
Back to my relationship. In early November 1999 we moved out of
our home in Paulshof and down to Knysna. It was a difficult time for
Annie as she was almost eight months’ pregnant. Packing up a home
in the heat of summer in that condition could not have been fun, but
the excitement of a new life outweighed the temporary challenges.
We had rented a house in Knysna for six weeks as our house was not
quite completed. All our furniture and other belongings had been
placed in storage until we were ready to move in. We drove down in
a few vehicles with trailers, assisted by my brother and Annie’s sister
and brother-in-law. We stopped overnight at a motel in Colesberg and
somehow I managed to lose my wedding ring. I recall that when we
went for a swim I had given my ring and a chain to Annie to look
after, but somehow it disappeared. Looking back, perhaps it was a sign
of what was due to happen in the very near future. We moved into
our temporary home and set about trying to finalize the last-minute
building operations. I flew back to Johannesburg after the weekend
as I still had a full-time job, while Annie, Stevan and Netto settled
into the new Knysna lifestyle. Back in Johannesburg, I moved into
the small two-bedroomed apartment that I’d bought as an investment
many years before. I commuted to Knysna on most weekends during
that November.
We moved into our new house the first week in December 1999. Annie
was only a week or two away from giving birth. She was uncomfortable,
frustrated and more irritable than usual, so she was really bad! I could
understand this but refrained from reminding her that her choice of
timing to have this child was poor. We moved in and a few days later
Annie went into labour. Jamie was born on 11 December 1999. I was
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in a very confused state—I had moved into my dream home, I had the
excitement of seeing my fourth child being born and yet I had now fallen
in love with another woman who was miles away. I kept in contact with
Zelda and she was equally anxious and frustrated. She feared that once
Jamie was born I would tell her that our relationship was over. At that
time I didn’t know why I didn’t end it; I just knew that I was going to be
with Zelda sometime in the future and I was waiting for the appropriate
time to end my marriage. I had assumed that it would be in a year or
two but that was not how it panned out.
A short while after Jamie was born, Brett and Shayna flew down to
come and stay with us. Brett was moving in with us as he was going
to attend York High School in George as a weekly boarder. He’d made
his decision to come and live with me earlier on in the year and Jenny
had honoured our agreement that our children could always choose
which parent they wanted to live with. Brett was 15 at the time he
asked me if he could live with me and I vividly recall how happy and
emotional I was at the time. To me it was confirmation that I was
an ‘okay’ parent, but in Annie’s opinion it was only because I could
provide him with more material goods. She was always a hard person;
in fact there were many times when I thought that the softest bone
in her body was probably a tooth. She was never enamoured by the
idea of Brett living with us but it was a non-negotiable option which
she understood. Shayna was to spend a couple of weeks with us over
Christmas and New Year. It was the end of the millennium, it was
the start of a new way of life, the joy of the birth of a new child, it was
meant to be a happy and exciting time, but I was sad and miserable.
Annie had been suspicious about my activities for some time. I was
often speaking on the phone and did so mostly outside. There were
two reasons for this: one was the poor cellular-phone reception that
we had at the house and the second was that I needed privacy to speak
to Zelda. She often checked my phone but I was careful and I always
made sure that I erased the details of the last calls. On one occasion
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she managed to sneak up on me and grabbed the phone and asked who
it was. It happened to be Zelda. Annie knew that Zelda and I worked
together so to be speaking to her was not too unusual. Annie spoke to
her and asked her if she was having an affair with me, to which, Zelda
quickly answered that she was happily engaged. This embarrassed
Annie and she left it at that, but in her heart she knew something was
up; she wanted to catch me.
Finally it all came to a head a couple of days later. Annie caught
me speaking to Zelda on the phone and lost it. Over the years there
were many occasions when Annie had physically attacked and abused
me; it was her way of dealing with her anger. In fact, in one amusing
anecdote: Brian, a very good friend of mine had arrived at our house
in Paulshof to find me running away from Annie who had a heavy
fire poker in her hand which she was intent on acquainting me with.
On this particular day in Knysna, she grabbed my expensive phone
and PDA (Personal Digital Assistant) and threw it to the floor. She
started hitting me and grabbed me and bit me quite viciously on my
forearm, a large bite that bled profusely. All this took place in front of
the three children, Brett, Shayna and Stevan. That was when I knew
instinctively that it was over. I was leaving immediately. Within a
couple of hours I had Brett and Shayna packed and ready and flights
booked; the three of us were flying back to Johannesburg. To walk
out was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. Logic and
common sense said I should just stay and let things cool down but in
my gut I knew I had to leave then. Walking to my vehicle I had Stevan,
a month away from seven, crying his little eyes out while clinging onto
my leg, trying to stop me from going. Despite my sobbing, I managed
to get him back to Annie who was standing there with our two-and-
a-half-week-old baby. I could barely see where I was driving through
my tears but I managed to get Brett, Shayna and myself safely to the
airport in George. It was Thursday, 30 December 1999. My second
marriage was over.
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The intention behind keeping my apartment in Johannesburg was to
commute between Knysna and Johannesburg for the last six months
of my two-year contract with CCH. Now it became my permanent
home for a while. I had managed to live in my extremely expensive
dream home for only a few weeks, I would hate to work out the
equivalent daily rate that this exercise had cost me! It was now January
2000 and I was back at work. It was a difficult time because everyone
at CCH wanted to know how I was enjoying Knysna and my new
baby. How could you explain my situation? In some cases I did not say
or explain anything but there were a few people that had to be told and
so I faced up to this responsibility. I was known and regarded as a very
grounded person—calm, stable, reliable and yet I had left my wife, my
newborn child and my new home, all in the space of a few weeks. I
am sure that most people probably thought that I was experiencing a
mid-life crisis and who could blame them? Maybe I was.
The only upside to all of this was the fact that Zelda and I could see
each other without the guilt and the clandestine manoeuvres that we
had become accustomed to. This was the acid test for us as it is easy to
be caught up in the excitement of a new illicit romance but you only
really get to know each other properly when you are able to spend
quality time together. Now we had the time and freedom to do this.
Towards the end of January 2000 I went down to Knysna for a
weekend as it was Stevan’s seventh birthday. It was a very uncomfortable
experience as Stevan was now in grade one at his new school and,
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being the small town that Knysna is, I had probably made the front
page of one of their weekly tabloids. You can almost visualize the
headline: ‘Husband builds new mansion, has a baby and deserts a few
weeks later: Come meet him at his kid’s birthday party’. Now I had to
socialize with the local community at Stevan’s party. Fun. But it was
my choice and I had to face my responsibilities, and I did.
In the meantime, I had decided to start the divorce process. I had been
told that an attorney based in Pretoria was really good. He had handled
many divorces for celebrities including Anneline Kriel-Kerzner-Tucker
soon to be Anneline Kriel-Kerzner-Tucker-Bacon. He had represented
her against Mr Tucker. Anyway, despite her long signature a certain
Mr Shapiro had done a great job in helping her during this process. I
met with him and he was the most solemn, dour person I had ever met
but he was sharp and methodical. I am really pleased that he did not
charge for his smile because I don’t think I could have afforded that
rare indulgence. We prepared the papers and I told him to hold back
on having them served on her until after the following weekend as I
was going down to Knysna to see Stevan and Jamie. As it turned out,
when I arrived in Knysna on the Friday evening Annie asked to speak
to me privately. She asked if I was prepared to reconsider our situation
and get back together. My response was a simple and quick no. She
left me and I spent some time with Stevan. No more than 20 minutes
after our conversation, the sheriff of the court arrived at the house and
promptly served me with a divorce summons in front of Stevan. I was
extremely angry; I felt she could have at least warned me and we could
have made sure that Stevan did not have to witness this. But that was
Annie; there were many incidents far worse than this still to follow.
And so the litigation process began; it turned out to be a very messy
and extremely expensive process. In the end, only a few months later,
I was divorced and Annie was a wealthy woman, courtesy of my
generosity. I felt that as it had been my choice to get divorced I had
to be fair and reasonable but Mr Shapiro simply could not believe or
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understand my generosity. I was now divorced for the second time—
on 2 May 2000.
Now that my divorce was behind me I could focus on my new
relationship. I had just bought and moved into a new house and had
moved in. My contract with CCH was almost completed so I was
looking forward to a new business challenge.
Shortly after I had moved in Zelda sold her apartment and moved in
with me. Her family was not that happy about this. She came from a
traditional Afrikaans family and the fact that she had had an affair with
a married man who had now left his family and newborn child was
difficult for them to handle. Her sister was especially anti me for this,
but I believe that this was largely driven by the fact that her husband had
been killed in a car accident a year or two before and she was widowed
with two very young boys. In her eyes my ex-wife was in a similar
position, but she was alone because it was my choice to leave her—this
made me a bad person. I finally got to meet her parents, sister and two
brothers. It was difficult at first but her mother made an effort to get to
know me and help ease me into the family. I really liked the family—
they were good, genuine people and it wasn’t long before they took to
me and I became a natural part of the family.
On the home front things weren’t so easy. It was a bit of a rollercoaster.
One day things were absolutely fantastic and the next day they were a
nightmare. In a day we could experience both extremes! I had come
to learn that Zelda was a very insecure person beneath her confident
exterior. The big disconnect for us was that I am not a person to
constantly dish out compliments while she needed them in huge daily
doses. She was an attractive, intelligent, capable, successful woman but
she needed to be told that all the time. She was vain and constantly
sought a mirror for reassurance of her beauty. I could not understand
this as I am the total opposite—I hate to be told that I am doing a great
job or how good I am. I tried to improve my ability to randomly spew
out compliments but I struggled with it as I felt I was just saying things
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that were shallow and lacked meaning, for the sake of it, but that was
my mistake as they didn’t lack meaning to her.
She also was an extremely jealous person and her jealousy cultivated
mine; we fed off each other’s jealousy. I recall that at various times
in my life I had experienced jealousy with my previous spouses but
somehow I always convinced myself that to have a little bit of a jealous
streak in you was a good thing as it showed that you loved your
partner. I always believed that my jealousy was under control and well
managed. With the benefit of hindsight I know this was not the case;
all I had managed to do was convince myself that it was.
We began to mirror each other’s insecurities and jealousy. The learned
head doctors will tell us that jealousy is merely a form of insecurity
and it is. In my instance I guess that my insecurity in our relationship
at the time was driven by my average looks and my above-average bald
head. I felt unattractive and yet I had this attractive partner who had
a good figure, intellect and an infectious personality. Zelda was very
insecure in our relationship as she had suddenly realized that if I could
leave my wife for her, what would prevent me from leaving her for
another woman? For such an intelligent woman I would have thought
she would have thought about this in August 1999, but no, now was a
good time for this to come to the fore. Isn’t this just the classic scenario
where the mistress is more secure in the role of the mistress than in
being a partner to the man who leaves his spouse for her? We had
many discussions, arguments and debates about my commitment.
My view was that I had left my family, my home and a small fortune
to my ex-wife in order to be with her; we now lived together, what
more could she ask for? Her view was that I could do it all again—to
her. This caused me great frustration as it made me question whether
everything I had been through to be with her was really worth it.
Perhaps it was preferable to be chased around the house by an angry
woman with a fire poker?
It got so extreme that I was expected to spend every single minute
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with Zelda. If I spent time talking to my kids on the phone it would
upset her as I should rather be spending that time with her. She
couldn’t stand my relationship with my business partner, Mike. She
used to like him but for some reason she saw him as threat. He would
phone me often and she got really angry, especially if the conversation
took more than two minutes; I guess he was using up her time with
me. She expected to be spoilt with attention and material gifts all the
time. If I bought my children clothes or anything else she expected me
to spend at least the same amount of money on her. She measured my
love by what expensive gifts I bought her and I tried to prove my love
by doing just this. It became a very expensive game. What I noticed
was that she rarely bought me anything in return. This was a give-
and-take relationship—I was giving and she was taking.
Lessons learned:
64. You never really know someone until you spend lots of quality time with
them. Simple little things that might irritate each other only come out later.
You need to identify these and learn to deal with them.
65. You cannot buy someone’s love nor can expensive gifts cure someone’s
insecurities.
66. Sometimes the mistress is more comfortable in the role of being the
mistress. When the mistress becomes the partner she might assume that
you will be unfaithful to her as well. Avoid having a mistress at all costs.
Brett flew up just about every second weekend from George and quite
often Stevan flew up with him to spend the weekend with me. Zelda
was great with Stevan and he liked her. The two of them loved to
gang up on me. It had seemed that Stevan was accepting the fact that
his parents were now divorced but I felt that he hadn’t really dealt
with it. At first Annie was okay with him flying up but then things
started to change. He used to fly up on the 14h20 flight from George
on the Friday and return on the 15h30 flight on the Sunday. This
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meant he was home in Knysna by 18h00. Then Annie told me he
couldn’t do this anymore as it made him too tired. That was utter
nonsense but she convinced the headmaster of Stevan’s school to send
me a letter stating this, and so Stevan stopped visiting. But she went
further; she was difficult about allowing me to have him over school
holidays, claiming she’d already made their holiday plans. There was
no question in her mind about sending Jamie with Stevan; no, he
was way too young as far as she was concerned which was fine, but
I assumed that once he turned four, he would come. Wrong. Annie
never wanted me to get too close to Jamie despite what she said. Jamie
is her baby, the baby that I didn’t want, the baby that I left her with. To
illustrate the point, consider this. Shortly after I had left her she started
a relationship with a chap by the name of Franklin who was quite a bit
older than her. She had been involved in a relationship with him many
years before when she was at university. He was a nice person so I was
comfortable with my kids being in his space. Annie decided to teach
Jamie to call Franklin ‘daddy’ which on its own is okay but worse than
that she taught him to call me Kevan. What mother in her right mind
would do this? It was when he was about three that I finally lost it. In
front of Annie I told Jamie that I was his daddy and he should call me
that and that he should not call me Kevan. I also told him it was okay
for him to call Franklin daddy. Over time he got it right and now it’s
no longer an issue. In time Franklin moved to New Zealand so Jamie
only has one daddy now.
Lessons learned:
67. Never teach your children to call someone else mommy or daddy if that
biological parent is still involved in your children’s lives.
With such a volatile relationship, Zelda and I became experts at starting
new relationships, with each other of course. We would break up today
and make up tomorrow. But the harder we tried the worse it got. I
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could not understand her behaviour and viewpoints; there was no
logic or pattern to them. This baffled my analytical brain; by logical
deduction I came to the conclusion that I must be the cause of the
problems as I had a track record of two failed marriages and was in a
very troubled relationship that was all over the place. I was determined
not to screw it up for the third time.
For some reason, probably to determine my sanity or lack thereof,
I purchased a dictaphone. I started recording the incidents in great
detail. I tried to be objective about what had caused the incident, what
had been said, what I shouldn’t have said, whether I believed I could
have handled it better and so on. After most of our fights Zelda would
phone me and leave abusive and often drunken messages on my voice
mail. Bad move, as I played them on my car phone and recorded them
on the dictaphone. After a few tapes had been recorded I decided to
listen to them. It was like listening to your personal daily journal except
the content was mostly disturbing. It proved to me that we were both
crazy. She was crazy because of her behaviour and her issues and I was
crazy because I was still around being subjected to it all. I was relieved
by the former and disturbed by the latter. I couldn’t understand why
we could break up so often—sometimes it was her decision and other
times mine, but we always took each other back. I really loved her and
was desperate to try and make the relationship work but I was running
out of ideas on how to achieve this.
By now a new issue was looming. Brett was still at boarding school
in George and had decided he wanted to move back to Johannesburg
to live with me. This was not an option as far as Zelda was concerned;
in fact she told me I had to make a choice—either Brett or her. I was
really shocked by this. To me it was not even a choice and I told her
so in the nicest possible way, but as far as she was concerned this just
proved to her that I didn’t love her enough. Brett was coming back to
Johannesburg for good at the end of the year.
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Lessons learned:
68. Never put someone in a position that requires them to make a choice
between their children and your relationship. If you feel the need to do this
then move on and find someone else who will provide you with a relationship
in which you do not feel threatened.
I decided that we should consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist
to help us work things out. Up until then I had never paid much heed
to psychologists. I felt I had the same ability to analyze issues and
situations and arrive at the same conclusions as them. My approach just
cost less and without the stigma of having just seen a shrink! Going to
an outsider for help was a big step for me but I tried it and in a way it
was a good thing because we saw a female psychologist who helped me
realize that I was not the major cause of the constant upheaval. I guess
the tapes I left with her helped my cause a great deal but there was a lot
more at stake than trying to cover my backside.
Despite the counselling and the medication that Zelda received,
there was not much improvement in our day-to-day lives. She had
by now moved out but we were still making up every second day.
Perhaps they are right: make-up sex is always great! Zelda felt that
I was not committed to her and therefore would never marry her.
This was never the case. I had fought long and hard in trying to make
things work. I wanted a loving, stable relationship more than anything.
Eventually, I thought that perhaps if we got engaged she would accept
that I was totally committed to her, which would be the solution to
her insecurity. I did not discuss this with her, I just decided to buy a
ring and surprise her on her birthday, which was on 24 January. By
this time we would have been together for three years, although it
seemed like ten. I bought a beautiful diamond and, with help from
the jeweller, designed a unique, beautiful ring. On her birthday I took
her to her favourite restaurant and during the meal I proposed to her.
The ring was expensive with a large diamond so she was ecstatic; I was
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hopeful that this surely was the solution. Not quite. Within a few days
I realized that it had not changed a thing. If I was confused before,
then I was bewildered now. All this proved that the real issue was not
my commitment to her; it was something else, but exactly what I did
not know.
Lessons learned:
69. Sometimes what you perceive to be the real issue is simply a front for
deeper, more significant issues. Try to determine this up front by asking
‘closed’ questions, e.g. “if I/we do this, will it solve our problem?” If you do
not get a categorical ‘yes’ as a response then probe further, using the same
technique until you understand as many of the real issues as possible.
The on-off-on again relationship continued until towards the end of
the year—October 2002 to be precise. It was then that I finally knew
I couldn’t continue like this. I was emotionally drained, my blood
pressure and cholesterol levels were high for the first time in my life:
I was stressed. In my heart I knew it was over, just like I had known
with Jenny and Annie. But now it was three strikes in a row—surely
I was the common denominator? I may not have made enough effort
with Jenny, I may have tried to a degree with Annie but I definitely
gave it my best with Zelda and yet after a little more than three years
this relationship was also over.
This failure to find lasting love did not make sense to me as I knew I
was a good person. I have the greatest integrity and moral standing; the
only blemish as far as I was concerned was being unfaithful on three
occasions so perhaps this was my punishment for those transgressions.
I was never unfaithful when I was with Zelda but nonetheless I decided
I would never be unfaithful again.
123

I finished my two-year contract with CCH at the end of May 2000
and joined up with Mike again. He had been investigating various
opportunities for us to look at and we got involved on a consultancy
basis helping Bryan, a good friend of Mike’s. Bryan had sold Mike’s
restructure and reposition business to a JSE-listed company; he
wanted to expand from the traditional IT recruitment business into
the software and services domains. The merging of Bryan’s original
business into the larger group was not going well, with constant clashes
and differences of opinions on company strategies. As we started the
consultancy I met Coert, a very religious and spiritual man. He was
the CEO of an IT company which had seen troubled times and had
been tasked to sell off the professional services division to raise cash
to fund the remainder of the business. Bryan, Mike and Coert had all
known each other for a long time and were good friends. Coert and
I clicked immediately; it was a strange bond that was strong from the
first day.
An exciting opportunity came up as a result of the military offset deal
recently been concluded between Saab/BAE and the South African
government. This arms deal proved to be riddled with corruption and
political influences which I guess is pretty normal for these types of
transactions. Part of the contract that was negotiated with the suppliers
was that they create alternative offset trade for South Africa to the
value of some US$7.2 billion over an eleven-year period, in return
for the contract to supply aircraft and other military hardware to the
value of US$2.5 billion. If they did not achieve this offset target then
there were various financial penalties that Saab/BAE would incur. The
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offset trade value could be realized by Saab/BAE investing directly
into businesses and infrastructure or by them facilitating and creating
export sales for South African companies. There were two distinct
components to this: the first was military and the other commercial.
The commercial component was not market- or industry-specific
and so to coordinate this massive task of creating new investment
and export sales, Saab/BAE set up a local company called SANIP
(South African National Industrial Participation) and staffed it with
personnel from Sweden and the United Kingdom. They appointed
various project managers to investigate opportunities and identify
companies that could assist them in the various sectors of the South
African markets. At this time the company that Coert was managing
was a subsidiary company based in Stockholm, Sweden. He had met
some of the Swedish delegates and informed Mike of the potential
opportunity. Mike, being the entrepreneurial opportunist that he is,
quickly saw the potential of becoming the ‘gatekeeper’ for all IT-related
opportunities that might emanate from the offset trade agreement. He
arranged for us to meet the project manager from SANIP responsible
for this sector. Mike set about convincing him, that for SANIP to
achieve any success in the IT sector, they needed support and advice
from experienced IT professionals and guess what? We were them. It
was true that between Bryan, Mike, Coert and I, we had many, many
years of experience between us. We had extensive knowledge of the
companies and personnel operating in our local IT community so we
were ideally suited to play the role of independent advisor to SANIP.
Mike and Bryan did a great presentation and after a couple of weeks we
secured ourselves the role. It was a win for SANIP; it did not cost them
anything as we had structured our approach to get our remuneration
from South African companies through the creation of export sales.
Our commission would be paid based on the actual revenue that we
helped generate for them. In reality we were just glorified sales agents
or brokers—or pimps if you’d prefer.
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Life is full of interesting challenges and we were about to experience
one of them. No sooner had the ink dried on the contract between
SANIP and the company that Mike and I were consulting to, when
that same company decided it did not want to pursue some of the
strategies that Bryan had agreed with them. This new ‘pimping’
project was one of them. The credentials we had sold to SANIP were
that we were part of a stable, financially sound company, listed on the
JSE. We had done such a great job convincing them that that was an
important reason for them to appoint us, when suddenly we had to go
and ‘un-sell’ it! So we did; we went back to them and told them that
although this was an important aspect it was not nearly as important
as the people, i.e. Mike, Coert, Bryan and me. We advised them that
we had decided to form our own company to pursue this exciting
opportunity; we had discussed this with our previous ‘client’ who had
given us their blessing to go ahead and do it on our own. So in March
2001, Mike, Coert and I formed a company called YDigitalWorks.
Bryan became a minority shareholder; he was still committed to a
management contract and could not play an active role in the new
venture. We also decided to invite a woman by the name of Jakkie to
become a minority shareholder and partner in the business as well.
Fortunately the folk at SANIP had come to like and trust us so it
wasn’t too much of a problem to have a new contract signed between
them and our newly established business.
We then began the process of identifying local IT companies who
had products and/or services of international standard and quality and
finding Swedish-based companies interested in them. It was great fun
and very exciting in the beginning; we made several visits to Sweden
to search for potential companies, but soon found out that the mode
and speed of doing business was much slower there than in South
Africa. In a way it was the equivalent speed of Cape Town on an
intentional go-slow campaign. For us time was of the essence as we
were funding the venture from our own cash resources and let’s be
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real, nobody likes spending their own money and seeing little reward
over an extended period of time.
We finally managed to secure our first contract which was to supply
highly technical software-development skills to Saab themselves.
During the apartheid period in South Africa, we had an international
trade embargo in place against us, so as a country we could not legally
procure military equipment. We had to go through several arms
traders and lots of challenges to acquire our military hardware. At the
same time the government invested huge sums of taxpayers’ money
to establish our own arms-manufacturing capabilities. These turned
out to be huge successes, not necessarily in their commercial returns
but in the quality and capabilities of the various arms that we designed
and assembled. Examples of these successes are the G6 cannon and
the Rooivalk assault helicopter. As a result of these initiatives we
managed to create a huge pool of highly skilled technical resources
that could design, develop, assemble and programme some of the most
sophisticated armaments in the world. During the post-apartheid
period thousands of these resources were lost as there was no longer
a need to fund this very expensive homegrown industry without
successfully selling these weapons on the world stage. The market
for such products was, however, diminshing: the result was a massive
scaling-down of jobs which released thousands of these technical
resources to do other work more commercially oriented.
We managed to identify a project for Saab where we would provide
them with resources to help them develop some highly secret
components. We did our homework and managed to identify a
small company with an abundance of these resources and the precise
experience needed. In essence, what we sold Saab were bodies—did I
mention we were pimps? Although it was not the largest project I ever
signed it ran over a period of three years and generated good revenues
for the company that we had sub-contracted the work to.
During this period of trying to create export opportunities we
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identified another local software company called Rubico. They were
an interesting company who had adopted an approach to developing
software products using components which, in simple terms, were
building blocks. A simple analogy would be building a toy (software
product) using Lego blocks (components). They had developed many
components that were reusable—all they did was take whatever
components were necessary and assemble them into a product to
deliver business functionality. Technically they were way ahead of the
market, both locally and internationally. We were amazed by what
they had achieved and we felt this an ideal product to take to Sweden.
We were able to convince their management team of Willie, Jay and
Mark to give us a mandate to do this. By this time we had established
some contacts and relationships with some of the larger IT companies
in Sweden so we targeted them. They expressed a lot of interest in
what we’d told them and so it was time for another trip to Sweden.
On this particular trip Jay accompanied me and we demonstrated the
technology to the Swedes. They were extremely impressed and in
principle they were interested in distributing the Rubico technology
in Sweden. They agreed to send a technical-evaluation team to South
Africa for extensive due diligence on the technology to ensure they
knew what they were getting into. This was a big breakthrough for us
and we returned to South Africa excited about the prospects.
While all this was happening I had managed to develop a close
relationship with Willie, the CEO of Rubico. During our initial meetings
I had managed to offend him by challenging him on a particular
issue which was the Achilles heal of most software development
companies—version control and software releases. Having many
years of experience running my own software-development company,
I knew how difficult it was to manage this issue but he was quite blasé
about it. I wasn’t prepared to simply accept his smooth sales pitch that
claimed they had no problems in this domain so I kept on pushing
him for more detail and questioning his answers. I wasn’t doing it for
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the fun of it; I needed to know how they would be able to manage
this on an international scale as we had to sell it to the Swedes. By
the end of the discussion he clearly understood that I knew what I
was talking about, and I understood that they still faced challenges
dealing with it. But he was not used to anyone standing up to him so
he was somewhat irritated and offended by my relentless pursuit of
the answers I wanted.
He was a staunch Afrikaner, an introvert by nature who basically
did not trust anyone but somehow my direct and honest approach
comforted him to the extent that he began to open up and share some
of his business challenges and concerns. They had two really pressing
problems: the first involved finance which they were desperately short
of and the second was the development of version 3 of the technology.
But there was also a third challenge which he didn’t table, but I
did—they did not have the collective or individual business skills and
experience to take the company from its current life-stage to the next.
In reality he had to solve the third issue first in order to deal with the
other two. Once I had raised the issue he agreed with me; during our
discussions he asked me if I would consider joining the company to
help him. I said that I would give it some thought and get back to him.
I discussed this with Mike, Coert and Jakkie as there was no doubt in
my mind that what Rubico really needed was a combination of Coert’s
and my skills and experience. We identified a number of weak areas
in all the domains of the business which required urgent attention as
we were sitting on the brink of a large deal with the Swedes. Jakkie
felt she could add value to Rubico as well by taking responsibility for
their international partnerships, the Swedish one being the first to
focus on. Mike was not convinced as he did not want my time totally
taken up with one project. He had become so used to working with
me that I don’t think he could contemplate not having me by his side,
making sure that his promises were delivered on. Coert and Jakkie on
the other hand were as convinced that we could make a difference and
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that it was in our collective interest to do so. We decided to go ahead
on the basis that the three of us would be prepared to help Rubico and
so we compiled a business proposition for Willie to consider. I then
met with him and told him what our ideas were which we discussed
at length. He liked the proposal but needed the approval of his co-
founders, Jay and Mark, as well as the majority shareholder, a large
private-equity fund.
The first step was to get the approval of Jay and Mark so we met with
them to discussed the concept. At first they were defensive and clearly
felt that we were intruding or probably more appropriate, gate-crashing
their party, which is exactly what we were doing. But we managed
to convince them our intentions were to help them achieve their
objectives and that our experience would be of significant value to the
business and them in particular. Common sense and sanity prevailed;
they were happy for us to come onboard. The next step was to get
the support of the private-equity fund, the majority shareholder. They
were facing a dilemma in that they had invested far more than they
had originally planned and they knew that the funding requirements
were far from over, yet something new and different had to be done
to fast-track the business to become cash-positive. They were aware of
our Swedish initiatives and our personal track records impressed them
so the only issue to them was how much was it going to cost and did
they feel that the cost was worth the risk. After several meetings we
managed to agree on the cost and so we started our efforts at Rubico
in June 2001.
At the time the company was run in two distinctly different
divisions, the products division which was responsible for the
software development and the services division which provided the
implementation and support services to customers. Mark headed up
the products division and Coert the professional services division. My
role was that of chief operating officer; in essence I was Willie’s right-
hand man, dealing with the day-to-day issues which encompassed
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the operating, sales, financial and legal functions within the business.
Jakkie was tasked to set up the value-added resellers (VARS) for
international channels as well as sales to local customers. We had
already made some inroads in Sweden before we joined Rubico and
now her efforts were focused on trying to get some projects and sales
from them. On the local sales front Rubico had managed to conclude
some great orders from three large financial institutions, which at first
was exciting but because they had all been concluded within a couple
of weeks of each other they were going to pose some serious challenges
on our resources.
What further complicated the issue was the fact that the projects
were to be delivered on version 3 of the technology which was still
being developed. Version 3 was a distributed service-based architecture
which meant it was a whole new technology platform and so all the
technical components—the components that made use of the new
technology platforms—had to be developed from scratch. This project
on its own was a huge challenge, not to mention time-consuming; at
the time we were running behind the project plan.
All the demonstrations of the business applications or the proof of
concepts that were developed to secure these orders had been done
on version 2 which was a client server-based architecture. This was
fine at the time as the design principles of version 3 allowed for the
re-use of all the business components developed in version two. The
key to delivering these projects was the re-usability of these business
components, so providing that the technology platform for version 3
was delivered on time we would be okay, or so we had hoped at the
time. Because of the historical successes that Rubico had enjoyed in the
past with version 2 projects, the three new projects had all been sold
on a fixed-price basis. This simply meant that irrespective of how long
it took Rubico to deliver, the price would remain the same, providing
the scope of the project remained the same. This was great for version
2 projects but it turned out to be a financial disaster for version 3
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projects. Despite all the assurances from Jay and his design team, the
end result was that none of the version 2 business components could
be used and so the huge challenge of rewriting all these components
began, while simultaneously trying to implement the three large
projects. It was a recipe for a disaster with no real solution.
If that was not enough, shortly after we started there I discovered
that there were a few of the older projects based on version 2 of the
technology that were in serious trouble. They were way overdue
and the customers had been made many promises by almost every
senior executive of Rubico and none had been delivered upon. No
problem, I was the new kid on the block so guess who was tasked to
deal with these huge fires? And so these extremely patient, frustrated
but forgiving customers had to go through another round of “Please
give me a chance; I’m here to fix it”. But this time it was me and I
refused to make promises or commitments that could not be kept and,
as is my style, I am brutally honest with everyone, customers included.
I suppose that made it easier for the customers as they learned to deal
with their disappointment immediately, not later after promises had
been made and not kept. Once I had got to the bottom of the problems
for each of the projects, I presented the status, the problems and the
reality of what could be done and what was impossible. I certainly was
not the bearer of good news but at least the customers had the benefit
of knowing where they stood. In some instances it made things easier
and in others worse. We then set about trying to deliver the projects
according to the new scope and timelines agreed upon. The biggest
problem was internal as the resources needed to fix and develop
functionality on these version 2 projects were the same resources that
were committed to developing the version 3 components for the other
projects that were also in trouble. The difficulty of trying to juggle
these resources with the pressures of the customers’ expectations and
the commitments that had been made, were enormous. What it really
showed us was the amazing commitment and work ethic that most
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of the Rubico staff had. They worked round the clock, seven days a
week to try and meet the deadlines but it was an impossible task and
we knew that something had to give. In most instances we had been
paid for the technology and services and the customers were unhappy
about this. Who could blame them? They started looking for financial
recourse and so the legal battles began.
During this time there was the monthly challenge of trying to ensure
that we had sufficient cash-flow to pay our expenses. Funds had dried
up as the private-equity fund was not prepared to continually pour
money into a bottomless pit. We had to try and meet milestones with
customers in order to get our interim payments. Our ability to meet
these deadlines was impeded by our limited resources and constant
‘fire fighting’ on the projects while trying to develop a whole new
technology platform and solution at the same time. Sometimes we
ended up paying our staff a couple of days late but most of them were
so committed to the challenge that they accepted this and lived with it.
Sometimes we, the executives, only got paid a few weeks into the next
month but we stuck to the unenviable task. It was a constant grind
with little or no reward but we would not give up just yet.
We needed more funding and the private-equity fund was not
prepared to invest more capital but they were happy to spread their
risk and bring in a few external financiers. In a way it was a method
of reducing their own exposure and get back some of the funding
tied up in the business. They went on a road show and attracted
venture-capital companies who liked the Rubico story. Despite the
challenges we faced the technology story and vision that Rubico had
was very compelling, but the reality was that it could not be delivered
on a shoestring budget which had been the history so far. An investor
from a UK-based private-equity fund, the IFC (International Finance
Corporation), and our local Industrial Development Corporation came
to the party and invested in the company. Now we had ammunition
to use against the enemy we were facing: developing software and
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technology platforms in competition with the likes of Microsoft and
IBM. The real problem, however, was that our enemy was a constantly
moving target, not always tangible, changing its form regularly and it
tested our ammunition reserves to the limit.
As time went by it was ‘more of the same’ except we faced a few new
legal battles from historical issues dating back before our time. These
took up much of Willie’s and my time which diluted our ability to
focus on the core issues and challenges. In addition, we lost some of
the new version 3 projects because they were not delivered on time.
These losses had a huge impact on our reputation and credibility in
the local market place. We were forced to retrench some staff and I
ended up with the ugly task, as many of the affected staff had been
there for many years and had a good relationship with Willie, Mark
and Jay. To Mark’s credit he was the only one of the three who was
prepared to be part of the process and face it—the other two were
happy to leave it to us. Retrenching people has got to be one of the
worst tasks a manager can ever face; the emotions and disbelief of the
staff affected are hard to deal with but we handled the process in the
most sensitive and caring manner we could.
The new shareholders were also getting concerned and a little
impatient. Willie devised a new strategy for the future, a strategy that
neither Coert or I agreed with. Willie and I discussed his strategy
at length and the reasons why we did not agree with it and, more
importantly, what we suggested as an alternative. Our strategy was
more radical but we believed it was necessary if the company were to
survive and succeed. Our proposed strategy did not include roles for
either Coert or me, so it was definitely not self-serving but one that
we felt was in the best interests of the company. Willie did not agree,
intent on moving forward with his ideas for the future, which in our
minds was not too different from what had not worked for Rubico in
the past. After this discussion we followed up by providing a detailed
document describing our concerns and alternative suggestions and
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asked him to take a couple of days to digest and consider it.
In the end Willie made the decision to implement his strategy and
pleaded with me to continue with him and make it a success. We
had become good friends and he asked me to do it for our friendship
but I couldn’t because I did not believe in the strategy so I could not
compromise my integrity by trying to sell something I did not believe
in, not to the staff, not to the shareholders and not to our customers.
And so in June 2003, exactly two years after we had started at Rubico
our journey ended. It was a huge disappointment for both Coert and
me as we really believed in the Rubico technology vision and the
staff. It was a company that was way ahead of its time and had they
approached things differently, with a lot more funding, it could have
without doubt become a huge success both locally and internationally.
Sadly though, the new strategy did not work for Rubico and eight
months after we left, the company was closed down and liquidated.
During our tenure at Rubico, Mike was still busy with our
YDigitalWorks initiative and over the next couple of years we managed
to achieve some success but not nearly on the scale we had anticipated.
Some of the reasons for this were due to the slowing down of the
economy in Sweden, the fallout in the IT industry after the ‘dot com’
or ‘dot bomb’ hype that had delivered nothing but promises with little
return. In order to devote all of one’s time to evaluating companies
and overseas opportunities one requires substantial funding because
once contracts are secutred, incoming funds from sales commissions
trickle in until the products establish their own sales momentum. We
tried to convince SANIP to provide funding in order to secure our
full attention but they were either not interested or alternatively not
able to convince their shareholders of the merits of doing so. And so
economics dictated that we focus on other interests that would pay us
short-term returns.
One of the great benefits we derived from evaluating local
technologies for export opportunities was that once in a while we
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found some very exciting companies and products. One such product
that Mike identified was involved in the early stages of electronic
bill presentation via email. The costs of printing invoices and/or
statements and mailing them had become expensive by comparison
to electronic printing and email distribution. The savings were huge
for any company with thousands of documents to distribute and so
technologies were being developed to do this electronically. Mike
had managed to secure the local sales rights to one such technology
solution that had been developed in South Africa, so with Chris and
Bernard, some long-standing friends of his, he decided to form a new
company to market these solutions locally which is how DocQnet
started.
I had taken a month or two off after I left Rubico in order to reassess
what I had wanted to do. I was tired of corporate life and not keen to
rush back to an executive position with an IT company. I also needed
time to sort out a lot of outstanding and overdue administrative issues
in my personal life. At work I was always extremely organized and up
to date but this did not always apply to my personal issues such as the
financials for my property-holding companies and my family trust. It
was also at this time that my relationship with Zelda was nearing its
end so in more ways than one I was busy sorting out loose ends.
Mike began hounding me to join the three of them in DocQnet and
by September 2002 he finally managed to convince me. Initially we
agreed that I was not required to provide any funding for the business
because everyone was going to work without a salary and on risk;
the other limited overheads would either be funded by him and/or
the cash-flow generated from the business. Mike is a great salesman,
so good that he not only sells you, but also himself so well that he
is totally convinced by his pitch. I agreed to join and give it a few
months, until the end of February 2003, by which time the business
was either a success, in which case I would continue or I would leave
to do something else.
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Mike has had an extremely successful corporate career because he
has the intellect, the personality and the resources to make his ideas
and strategies work. The resources would typically be financial and
personnel. Mike can sell ice to Eskimos when he wants to but his
real challenge is to limit his willingness to make lots of promises to
customers. This is one of the reasons why we had always worked so
well together in the past: he would promise the world and somehow I
would always manage to deliver. However, when you have your own
small company like we had in YDigitalWorks and DocQnet with no
financial resources or personnel it becomes more difficult to move
mountains. I noticed a new approach from Mike over the three years
since we had worked at CCH, more of a ‘trial and error’ method.
Mike was brilliant at seeing an opportunity or devising a new strategy
to achieve certain goals but in a corporate environment these strategies
and opportunities would always be given sufficient time and resources
to succeed. In our new humble company domains Mike battled with
the timeline for each opportunity or new strategy so that we had no
sooner come up with a new strategy when it was changed. Now there
is nothing wrong with being flexible and ‘lean’ but I really battled
to deal with the regularly changing strategies and new products
that we looked at selling on an agency basis. In many instances I felt
that certain things were not given enough time and others given far
too much time. Another change from the initial agreement was the
funding requirements for the business. I had joined expecting that
no cash would be required from me and yet from month one I was
putting money into the company. Chris and Bernard were not in a
financial position to contribute pro rata to their shareholding as they
were already battling to survive without a salary. At the end of the day
it was my own fault for not having said no when he asked me but I
guess I felt it unfair that he carry all the funding requirements.
Another big change in Mike was his more pronounced attitude of
‘I’. There are lots of people in the world who talk only in ‘I’ or ‘my’
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terms—“I will decide this”, “I did the deal”, “this is my decision” etc.
Mike has always been like this. I remember when we were at SPL,
preparing him for a presentation to the staff in the projects division
and reminding him to talk about the achievements of the division in a
collective way, i.e. “we achieved this”, “we decided to do this”, not in his
usual way. It was quite amusing watching him deliver his presentation
as he started a statement with ‘I’ and immediately realized his mistake,
glanced across at me and corrected it with a ‘we’, but as much as he tried
his old habit resurfaced. The big change, however, was the fact that he
had changed from just talking about ‘I’ to living it in his decision-
making. Although he was the majority shareholder in DocQnet there
were three other shareholders as well. This did not deter him and he
made many decisions without consultation that ended up costing me
money in terms of my pro-rata contribution. A typical example was
hiring one of his brothers who had been working for Xerox at the
time. His salary was fairly high and although I had met him once or
twice I didn’t know him or his capabilities. Mike claimed that it had
been discussed with Bernard and Chris at the time (Bernard has never
agreed to this claim) but if I was expected to throw money at this
person then at the very least I should have been consulted. He became
more and more autocratic which created problems between us and
placed me in a difficult situation as Mike and I are extremely good
friends. Although Chris and Bernard had known him far longer they
kept coming to me to try and understand his behaviour.
February 2003 came and went and by that stage we were close to
securing some nice projects that would have been able to carry the
cash-flow requirements of the business. Things were looking positive
with several opportunities looming but suddenly things started going
sour—ridiculous things such as the CEO of one of the companies
resigning just days before he was due to sign a contract; being undercut
by our principals who, despite written agreements, chose to side with
other agents against us; being told in principle that a deal was ours
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before the customer was forced to start the tender process all over
again because of internal politics ... and so on and so on. It could easily
have been perceived as bad luck but such is life and you need to learn
from each experience and move on. I decided to hang in for a while.
Over the next year we struggled along, achieving some success along
the way. We got our first big deal with Xerox when we appointed them
as a sales agent for a document-management software application that
we had secured distribution rights to. Xerox purchased a large quantity
of a scaled-down version of the product to distribute with their large-
document printers. This deal provided us with sufficient cash-flow to
allow Mike and I to repay a small portion of our shareholders’ loans
that we had invested as well as cover the cash-flow requirements of
the business for a few months. Some breathing space at last.
As time went on I became more frustrated with the business, the
people involved and the strategy or, should I rather say, the multiple
strategies that we implemented. Mike and I had had a couple of blow-
ups but our relationship was still strong. I was just not happy in this
space; I also felt that it was maybe time for me to get out of the IT
industry as I was tired of it. But I had no idea of what I really wanted to
do, so in the absence of a better idea I stayed, unmotivated and lacking
a purpose.
Finally in August 2004 I decided that it was time for me to leave. I
had by this time learned the simple lesson that in order to open a new
door, you need to close the old one. So I did just that. I sold my shares
in the business to another company. And that was the end of my IT
career. I was intent on looking at something completely different.
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Lessons learned:
70. Starting a new business is an extremely challenging and difficult undertaking.
Almost always it will take at least three times longer to achieve the success
you anticipated and three times more money than you originally estimated.
71. You need to close one door to open another. You cannot be in two rooms
at once.
72. You have to be passionate about the work that you are doing. If you are
not, it is extremely difficult to be motivated and to inspire and motivate
others.
73. Irrespective of the size of your shareholding in an entity you need to clearly
define upfront what the decision-making process will be between the various
shareholders and what levels of authority will be given to each shareholder/
director.
140
In October 2002 Zelda and I finally broke up, for good. I knew I
needed to start dating again to prevent me being lured back to Zelda
for the umpteenth time. On one of the previous occasions when we
had broken up I had tried using an internet-dating service to meet
new women. It was fun, interesting, amusing and scary but it was a
fantastic and easy way to meet people. I met all sorts of women from
all walks of life and differing professions such lawyers, psychologists,
secretaries and businesswomen. To me, it highlighted how many single
people are out there, and generally the only way single people tend to
meet is through work or being introduced by mutual friends. This was
a whole new ball game but it was fun for a while. So in late October
2002, with renewed vigour, I decided to try this medium again.
I met a number of nice women and dated some of them more than
once. In fact I was having such fun I was meeting some of them for
lunch and others for dinner. It was the most hectic social/dating life
that I had ever experinced and I was enjoying it, for a while at least.
For some reason I decided to contact a much younger woman; at
the time I was 41 and she was only twenty-six. Most of the other
women I had been dating were no more than eight years younger than
me so why I contacted her I have no idea, but we started chatting
and eventually decided to meet sometime late in November 2002. I
found Debbie to be attractive with a nice figure but she was quiet and
reserved, basically very shy. She was wearing a sleeveless top which
revealed a tattoo around her upper arm. I asked her about this and she
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said she had two others, one on her shoulder and one on her hip. I
had never been fond of tattoos; I suppose I had always been somewhat
judgemental about them but it didn’t really bother me as much as I
thought it might. We had dinner where I ended up doing most of the
talking which is unusual for me but it was a pleasant evening. She
had two very young sons aged four years old and seven months, from
different fathers, neither of whom she had married. The young baby
was totally unplanned and she’d only found out that she was pregnant
after the relationship had ended. The father wanted her to have an
abortion but Debbie decided she was going to have the child with
or without his support. One of the statements I made to Debbie that
evening, and to all the other women I had dated, was that I really did
not believe I would ever get married again, and I definitely would not
have any more children. I wanted to make sure that the person I was
dating was under no illusions about my position on these matters—I
knew they were potentially important issues for the woman. The last
thing I wanted was to develop a relationship with someone who had
their heart set on having children, for example. Rather walk away
from it at the outset than have to deal with a ‘situation’ at a later date
when there are serious emotions involved. I had learned this lesson
the hard way. Anyway, as she seemed like a good, kind person, I said
I would call her so we could decide whether we wanted to see each
other again.
I called her and she said she would like to see me again. I suppose the
fact that she was attractive, good company and 15 years younger than
me was a bit of an ego thing but what the heck, why not? The next date
was arranged for a few days later and I had booked a table at a popular
live-music venue called The Blues Room. That afternoon when I called
to confirm the arrangement, she said that she had to tell me something
extremely important. I will never forget the conversation; I was in my
car having just parked outside the gym I attended. I suggested we talk
about it when we met but she felt she had to tell me before we met as
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I might change my mind about seeing her. I was somewhat surprised
and curious. She explained that as a result of the birth of her second
child she was experiencing financial difficulties as she had received no
financial assistance from the father of the child and her current salary
was not that great. She said she was thinking of going back part-time
to Teazers, a well-known and popular ‘upmarket’ strip club. I asked her
what she meant by “going back”. She said that a few years before she had
been unable to obtain work so she worked at Teazers for about a year.
During that time, she saved enough money to pay for an IT college
course where she learned to design and develop websites, which was
the work that she was currently doing. I was shocked; there was no way
I could picture this shy, reserved girl stripping. I could understand that
she had the right body for it, but the personality? Now, if I had been
judgemental about tattoos then I was very opinionated about strippers.
I had never been to Teazers or any other strip club before as I had no
desire to watch naked women prancing about me or dancing on my
lap. To me it was like window-shopping, an exercise I’d always found
somewhat futile. Why look if you can’t buy? And sex was something
that I would never pay for, so watching a stripper was not a consideration
for me. Yes, I can just imagine the number of men out there saying that
by wining and dining a woman you are paying for sex indirectly but I
disagree; she does not have to sleep with you at the end of the date, but
how many prostitutes will say no if you pay her price?
I must have become very quiet trying to digest this new and confusing
information as she had to check to see if I was still on the line. I had
choices to make; I could walk away right now, I could date her anyway
or I could help her financially and stop her from going back to that
life. I made a gut-feel call that went against my analytical head and
asked her how much money she needed to settle her outstanding
debts. She refused to tell me at first as she felt uncomfortable with my
question and had not expected it. After some persuasion she told me
that it was R4,000. I said I would give her the money providing she
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made a commitment to herself not to go back to Teazers, ever. She was
reluctant to accept the money but eventually agreed on condition that
the money was given to her as a loan and that she would one day pay
it back. I agreed. I then said we could go on the date as planned and
we did.
When we met it was a little uncomfortable for me at first as I kept
trying to reconcile how this soft-spoken, quiet young woman could
perform as a stripper. I was trying to deal with my preconceived ideas
about what type of person I had assumed a stripper was and she was
everything but that. What I didn’t realize was that this was the start
of my journey to become a truly non-judgemental person. Soon we
relaxed and we had a great evening. I had already written a cheque
for R4,500 which was a little more than she needed and I handed it to
her before the evening was over. I could see she was embarrassed and
relieved at the same time. At the end of the evening I walked her to her
car and we briefly kissed each other goodnight. I told her I would call
her the next day. I had lots of mixed thoughts running through my
mind that night: on the one hand I really liked her, not just because
she was attractive and had a great figure but because she was down
to earth and genuine and my gut feel told me she was a good person.
On the other hand she had once been a stripper and I was not partial
to tattoos. These concerns were really based on my prejudices and the
thought of being potentially embarrassed if someone recognized her.
I decided to trust my gut and called her the next day and we arranged
to meet for lunch with her best friend. It was then that it became clear
we would have a relationship but I knew I would have a challenge
dealing with my preconceptions and prejudices. She was living with
her mother in Benoni which was quite a distance and definitely not
convenient for either of us. Debbie’s father had been murdered in
Zimbabwe shortly after she was born. Even though her mom got
married a few years later and had a son with her husband (whom she
since divorced), Debbie never really had a father figure in her life.
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There were upsides to her living with her mother as her mom was
able to look after the kids which allowed Debbie to come through and
stay over once or twice during the week. On the weekends she would
pack up the kids and spend the weekend at my house. This opened up
a whole new world for me and one that I had definitely not planned or
envisaged. I now had a young baby in the house, something I hadn’t
had to deal with for many years. If this was a new challenge for me
then it was a whole new world for Brett who was 18 at the time. When
Shayna came to live with me in August 2003 she also had to learn to
deal with this new environment.
Although Callum, the baby, was relatively good, his four-year-old
brother Trevor was a handful. This was understandable because he had
never had a father figure in his life and neither his mom nor his granny
had the ability or desire to discipline him. He was extremely naughty
and I told Debbie that if something wasn’t done about it he would
become ostracized at school and left off all the birthday invitation lists.
She didn’t think he was that bad but sadly it wasn’t long thereafter
that she actually found out he hadn’t been invited to several parties.
To me it was fairly obvious that all he was craving was attention (read
discipline) as I’d noticed that she did not have a close bond with him;
in fact granny was much closer to him. When I asked her about this
she admitted as much, the reason being she had worked at Teazers for
a year after he was born. In desperation she’d had to resort to Teazers
but the working hours were long, from midday to two or three
o’clock the following morning. This left her with absolutely no time
for Trevor and so he was brought up by granny. What compounded
Trevor’s frustration was the attention that Callum got from Debbie.
A new baby in the house always grabs the attention, but Debbie had a
strong bond with Callum, perhaps because he was the child she was
not supposed to have had. She’d been desperate to have a daughter so
maybe that was one of the reasons to have the baby. The fact that he
was a boy was not a factor but to Trevor the love and attention that
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Callum got, was. What was also apparent to me was the lack of open
displays of love and affection in their family. I had been brought up in
an environment where we always kissed our parents hello and goodbye
or goodnight.My parents were always holding hands, they called each
other little pet names—when they were not fighting that is. I practised
this open display of affection in all my personal relationships with my
partners and with my kids. In fact even Brett had to kiss me goodbye
up until he was almost eighteen, even though I knew this embarrassed
him getting dropped off at school and having to lean over in the car
and kiss his father goodbye. Deep down children sense that that such
simple displays of love and affection make them loved and cared for.
I never saw Debbie kiss her mom or vice versa for that matter; in fact
Debbie said that she and her brother had not been brought up that
way and thus she knew no differently. I immediately put a stop to that
excuse and insisted we always kiss each other hello and goodbye and
that she make the effort to do the same with her boys. It took a while
for her to get into the habit with me but she never really managed to
do it consistently with her boys; in fact if the truth be told she only
ever kissed her boys if I encouraged or insisted that she did.
From the time I had started dating women I met on the internet,
Zelda had not stopped contacting me. It was so bad that it was almost
harassment, what with the constant SMS (text messages) to my mobile
phone and calls to the home phone. She had decided that she wasn’t
going to give up on our relationship but in my mind and in my heart I
knew it was over. Zelda also tried the same internet dating site where
she had met a guy by the name of Marcus who funnily enough had
also met Debbie through the site. Debbie told me about him when we
had discussed our mutual experiences of the dating site. Debbie had
started on it a month or two before me and obviously had met a few
men. On another occasion, out of the blue, she made a comment to
me which was totally unsolicited and therefore seemed strange at the
time. She said she had never slept with any of the men she had met
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through the site. My response was that it wasn’t necessary to tell me
this as what she had done in her past was done and should stay there,
just as the same applied to me.
One evening the gate bell rang and when I looked outside I saw
that it was Zelda. She had been calling but I never answered her calls;
I simply ignored them. I did not open the gate but walked outside to
see what she wanted. She was very upset and quite beside herself and
proceeded to shout at me, telling how she had met Marcus and that
he’d told her he had dated Debbie. Marcus mentioned that Debbie had
stopped seeing him because she’d met a guy by the name of ‘Ken’ who
lived in Bryanston. Zelda had then realized that the ‘Ken’ was me so
she’d pried Marcus for more information, who told her that Debbie
was a former stripper and was “very good in bed”. Why he would want
to share this was strange but here she was outside my gate telling me
that I had made a huge mistake and I shouldn’t be seeing Debbie. She
wanted to know how someone like me who’d never been to a strip
club could even consider doing this. I told Zelda I was aware of all
this, but had made my decision and that she should move on with her
own life. Clearly I didn’t know all ‘this’ as Debbie had lied to me about
sleeping with Marcus. The issue wasn’t about the fact that she had;
she had every right to do so as it had happened before we met. The
issue was that she had lied to me, on a totally unsolicited basis—she
had volunteered the lie for some strange reason. I was hurt, angry and
confused. We had agreed that the foundation of our relationship would
be based on trust and the truth—we would never lie to each other and
now this agreement had already been broken. I remember standing on
my bedroom balcony when I called Debbie to ask her why she had lied
to me. She didn’t have an answer but she was so upset that her mother
ended up speaking to me. I stated that I was seriously concerned about
the fact that she had lied to me for no apparent reason and that the basis
of trust had been broken. Her mother urged me to give her a chance
as she knew that Debbie really liked me and wanted to be with me. I
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seriously considered walking away before we got more involved but I
didn’t; exactly why I cannot tell you.
Lessons learned:
74. Never cast judgement. At times God has a wonderful sense of humour and
so for all my judgemental views on tattoos and strippers, I ended up falling
in love with a former stripper with tattoos.
75. There is no such thing as a white lie—a lie is a lie is a lie.
76. Never tell lies as they will always come back to haunt you. Rather face the
consequences of telling the truth than face the consequences of having told
a lie.
Although we had only met in November 2002 we went on holiday to
Cape Town over the Christmas period that year. Debbie had booked
the air tickets for herself and her boys some months before and they
were planning on staying with her family down there. We decided that I
should go as well but I organized accommodation for all of us. Given the
late notice it was extremely difficult to arrange decent accommodation
but we managed to find something reasonable. This was the first time
that her boys were flying and I was not looking forward to the flight
as babies generally battle with their ears, especially during the take-off
and the descent. The flight was a challenge as Debbie stresses very
easily but all in all it wasn’t too bad. This holiday was a big test for both
of us, but for different reasons. In her case it was the first time that she
would be spending an extended period of time looking after both her
boys without any help from granny and the domestic worker that took
care of Callum during the day when she was at work. For me it was
a test to see whether I could spend an extended period of time with
this very young family. Despite a few hiccups here and there we both
seemed to cope reasonably well.
There was, however, one particular incident with Trevor which
made me lose my sense of humour. One afternoon it was time for the
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kids to have their afternoon nap so once they were down we decided
to do the same. A little later when I got up I went out of the room
to find Trevor in the lounge. I spotted my sunglasses lying fairly
mangled on the floor. These were not ordinary sunglasses; they were
prescription glasses for my near-sightedness. I cannot drive without
glasses due to my reduced vision and my eyes that are extremely
sensitive to sunlight. When I asked him what had happened he gave
me the obvious answer: “I don’t know, I just saw them like that.” It
was obvious he was lying. With a great amount of determination I sat
down and tried to explain to him that he had done two things wrong:
firstly, the evil act of destruction and secondly, that he lied about it. I
warned him that if he ever did either of these acts again then he would
be punished, which meant a spanking and spending time alone in his
room plus no treats for a given period of time. Judging by his look he
was not convinced; he’d faced empty threats before. I spoke to Debbie
about this and said that I must have her permission to deal with her boys
in an appropriate manner, which included spanking but in a non-violent
manner and never in anger. To me this was a non-negotiable as I cannot
and have never tolerated badly behaved kids. Given that she and her
mother chose not to discipline the boys someone had to do it for their
own benefit. Debbie readily accepted as she knew it had to be done and
it was easier for her to have someone else do it.
I suppose having brought four kids into this world I was bound to
know a bit and in reality that is all we need to know as parents. All kids
want is love, discipline and consistency. It is that simple but we choose
to complicate it. If we as parents are consistent with sharing our love and
discipline, then based on my proven personal experience, I have found
that kids will respond to that environment. If we agree the boundaries
and the consequences for abusing those boundaries, and we consistently
mete out the disciplinary measures as agreed, then kids will learn that
it is non-negotiable. However, as parents, our single biggest failing
is to follow through on a consistent basis. This inconsistency creates
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confusion for the kids, so they will test the boundaries, hoping that they
might get away with it.
An interesting anecdote relating to this issue was an experience I
shared with Brett when he was in grade 11 (standard 9) when he was
seventeen. One Thursday morning I received a call at work enquiring
why Brett wasn’t at school. This surprised me as I had dropped him
off at school that morning. Apparently he had not attended the science
class so I called him on his mobile phone and asked him where he was.
He replied: “I am at school, why, where am I supposed to be?” This
was a typical wise-ass comment that he had built up in his amazing
repertoire. I told him that I had been informed that he had not attended
the science class; he explained that as they were due to break up for
a mid-term holiday the following day, the teacher had told them that
they need not attend class, so nobody had and were now all sitting on
the field. As it turned out, only a few students attended class and the
teacher chose to call the parents of only five of the students that had
bunked. Unfortunately Brett was one of the five and so I told him he
was in trouble and that I would deal with it when I fetched him later in
the day. When I fetched him from school, he quickly repeated the story,
but my response was simple: as far as the teacher was concerned he had
bunked class and I got the call. I was paying for him to attend classes
at one of the top private schools in the country so I took exception to
it and his punishment was grounding him for the weekend. He was
aghast; he could not understand why he was being punished and not
his friends. The real issue for him, however, was that on the Friday
night the school was having one of their most important social events
and as Brett was new to the school he felt it essential for him to be
there: “Dad, I cannot afford not to be seen there.” I understood his
predicament but I believed it was necessary for me to put my foot
down—he had breached the boundaries. I stood firm but that did not
stop him from trying to plea-bargain on many different fronts, such
as: “Dad, if you let me go on Friday night then you can ground me for
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the next few weekends as well,” or “Dad, please beat me black and blue
but just let me go for an hour to be seen.” But the cleverest was: “Dad,
you must look me in the eyes and tell me that you never ever bunked
a class at school,” to which I replied: “Yes, boy, I have bunked classes,
but I never got caught, and if I had been caught I would have suffered
the consequences, just like you.” That blew the wind out of his sails
and all he could then ask was: “What am I going to do tonight when
everyone is at the social?”
“Sit with me at the bar and we can spend time bonding,” I replied.
The following year, I received a call from Brett at school to inform
me that as it was break-up day, they were due to have a late chapel
service, but he and some friends were thinking of leaving school
earlier. I politely enquired why he was telling me this unimportant
information but I knew exactly what it was about. He was trying to get
my approval for a decision he wanted to make, but he knew there were
consequences if he got caught. So I did what most experienced fathers
do: I played dumb. To be fair, I did help him just a little. I reminded
him that he now had his own car, which he drove to school every
day and parked in an open lot. If someone noticed his car was not
there and he wasn’t at the chapel service, then there was the possibility
they might just figure out that he wasn’t there. Having said that, I
reminded him that it was his decision and for every decision there
are consequences. To this day I don’t know whether he attended the
service or bunked and I have never ever asked him. It was his decision,
and his alone. He had learned the lesson of choices and consequences,
which was what was important for me. As a parent it is critical to be
consistent; if you are able to do this then you will reap the rewards,
but more importantly you will establish an understanding within your
children that will serve them for the rest of their time.
In January 2003, Stevan was due to spend a week of his school
holidays with me. I had made the arrangements with Annie a long time
before and had bought and paid for the air ticket . On the morning just
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before his flight was due to leave I phoned her to see if he was checked
onto his flight. She asked me whether I had received a letter from her
lawyer, which at that stage, I had not. She had decided not to send
him as she deemed it not to be in his best interests and got her lawyer
to write me a letter to this effect. No reason was given in the letter, it
was just stated that it was not in his interests. I was angry; this wasn’t
the first time she had pulled this trick. What I subsequently found out
was that Zelda had phoned Annie to tell her that I was dating a former
stripper so Annie decided to do what she loved doing—to hurt me
using my children as leverage.
Lessons learned:
77. Never use your children as leverage to get back at your former spouse as
they suffer more pain than you or your former spouse.
Back to Debbie’s kids. I chose to take an active role in their lives and
Trevor soon warmed to it. He learned that I was more than willing to
give him attention and love but if he misbehaved in a really naughty
way he was punished. The punishment might mean that he spent time
in his room on his own or if he was really naughty he got the occasional
spanking. By spanking, this involved a two-minute lecture on why he
was being spanked and emphasizing the fact that his mother and I
loved him which was the reason why he was being disciplined. After
the spanking, which was never more than two hand-smacks on the
buttocks, I always asked him why he’d been punished and he always
managed to remember trhe reason. Afterwards I would always hug
him and explain that he was loved and that I hated having to punish
him but that I really wished he never did anything so naughty that
needed this again.
No doubt that there are many people who cannot accept this approach
to discipline; they will argue that this is not acceptable. My counter
to this is the continuous, desperate degeneration of our children’s
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behaviour which has generally resulted in the total lack of respect that
the youth of today display towards their parents, their teachers and
their peers. It is sad that the children of today are generally allowed
to be a law unto themselves, but we as parents have only ourselves
to blame. We created the society that we live in just as our kids will
create theirs. What we choose to take into our society is our choice:
the morals, the values, the principles. But equally we cannot abandon
these important choices and let our kids choose their own.
At first, Trevor struggled to accept that there were consequences to
his behaviour, but he soon realized where the boundaries were. He
understood that if he did not listen or heed the warnings, he would be
punished. Equally, he always sought me out for love and affection; he
always wanted to sit on my lap or be in my space. I put this down to
two reasons: firstly, I never shunned him or pushed him away, even
when the last thing I wanted was for him to be all over me; secondly,
he needed a male figure in his life (his father was working in Nigeria).
It was wonderful to see him transform from a naughty, irritating
brat to a normal boy. I was fairly strict and firm with both boys but
consistent. At times I was accused by Debbie of being stricter on her
boys than my own children. Possibly this was true but I had felt that
they needed this because they had never had any discipline. The only
time Debbie enforced discipline was when she was angry, but her
screaming and shouting at her kids never worked; in fact it just upset
the boys and made them feel more unloved and rejected. A factor that
troubled me at the time was the guilt I felt in bringing up someone
else’s young kids when I wasn’t there for my own boys, Stevan and
Jamie. Compared to Trevor, Stevan is only four years older and Jamie
a year younger. Perhaps that affected me, I am not really sure.
Over the period that I was part of their lives I made sure that both
Trevor and Callum got love and attention from me. Many times I
had both of them sitting on my lap. I ensured that they got tougher,
which meant tickling them, roughing them up and wrestling with
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them. They got more attention from me than from Debbie as she
still struggled to show affection. She did try but it was not natural,
instinctive behaviour for her. However, with me it was different and
she was quite demonstrative in her displays of affection.
Although I had settled down and had become used to dealing
with two little boys I felt constrained by the new environment. In
my previous relationship with Zelda I was used to doing whatever
we wanted to, whenever we wanted to. With no children around, if
we suddenly decided to go out at night, we could; if we wanted to go
away for the weekend, we did. I can be spontaneous and sometimes I
like doing things at the drop of a hat. This was not possible with two
young kids, especially over the weekends. Although Debbie’s mom,
Pat, was prepared to look after the boys once or twice during the week
she could not do so over weekends. She had her own boyfriend, Iain,
who was quite a bit older than Pat and not too partial to Debbie’s
kids as he found Trevor to be too naughty; in fact they were basically
barred from Iain’s house. Another factor that complicated things was
that most of my friends were my age or older and did not have small
kids so socializing with them was not ideal. Trying to manage Trevor
and later Callum in someone else’s child-unfriendly house was too
stressful, so I chose not to do it. These were my choices so not for a
second am I trying to blame anyone; I am merely highlighting the fact
that life was very different for me at that time.
Lessons learned:
78. There are a few critical factors required to raise children:
a) Give them lots of love and attention.
b) Give them your trust and teach them about accountability.
c) Give them boundaries and consequences for exceeding those boundaries.
d) The consequences must result in some form of discipline or punishment
which does not necessarily have to be physical. It could be the withdrawal of
certain privileges, e.g. giving them an earlier curfew or grounding them. But
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it must be a privilege that they value otherwise they will not feel the ‘pain’.
e) Apply whatever discipline you have decided on in a consistent manner. Never
set a precedent where you allow them to get off with a warning, as the next
time they will ask you to justify this.
f) Never apply punishment/discipline in anger. Cool off before you do this and
explain to them why they are being punished and remind them of your love
for them.
Unfortunately in April 2003, Iain was murdered in his garage when
he and Pat returned from an evening out. Some armed robbers were
waiting for him as they believed he had a lot of cash in his safe. They
shot Iain in front of Pat before fleeing the scene. She watched him die
in her arms before the paramedics could arrive. This was a difficult
period for the family and although Debbie and Iain had had their
differences, she had formed a close relationship with him. In a way
he was the father she had never had. Pat obviously battled to come
to terms with his death and after a couple of months she decided
she needed a change of environment. Another factor that may have
influenced her was that Debbie and her boys were spending weekends
with me. She decided to move from Benoni to the northern suburbs of
Johannesburg and started looking for a house. Eventually she decided
to buy a property in a new development only a few kilometres from
my house. I thought that this was a great idea as it meant less travelling
for Debbie and, to a lesser degree, me. Also, if suddenly we decided
to go out over a weekend, we could drop the kids off with her. I really
liked the idea as it would make things easier for everyone.
During this time Debbie and I were trying to build our relationship,
but there were many factors that made it difficult. I was much older,
wiser, more experienced, more established and very set in my ways. I
was used to being in control and getting things done my way. She was
battling with her website development job, where she was getting paid
a pittance and usually late. She was struggling financially so I helped
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her out on a few occasions by paying off her debts, but always against
her wishes. She was definitely not a spendthrift; it was a simple case
of her costs exceeding her income. Only when Callum was about a
year old did his father begin paying maintenance, neglible amounts as
they were. Her kids were continually sick, especially Callum. By the
time he was 18 months old he’d already had a hernia operation and
had had his tonsils and half his adenoids removed. Every third week
Callum was at the doctor, being put on antibiotics or some other form
of medication. Most of these expenses were not covered by medical
aid and so she needed to pay them herself. It was a constant battle
for her and because she is such a stubborn person, she always tried
to deal with these issues herself which caused her much stress. She
then decided to try and work for herself to earn more money, but as
capable and talented as she was in designing and developing websites,
she battled to find clients, so her earnings were sporadic. I managed
to help a little by getting her some work. I contracted her to develop
my company’s website as well as some other colleagues and suppliers I
knew. After a few months she decided to get a full-time job and finally
found something suitable—firstly a job in Sandton and then later out
on the East Rand, near Benoni.
Often, the collective stress of her kids, her finances, her work, the
travelling to and from my house, became too much and she would
blow up. It could be the tiniest, least significant issue that would cause
it, but she would lose her temper and scream and shout. Her way of
dealing with conflict was either ‘fight or flee’. Inevitably, once she had
fought she would flee. For a petite lady, she could behave extremely
violently and aggressively. She weighed no more than 48 kilograms but
as the old cliché goes: ‘dynamite comes in small packages’. She would
throw things, slam doors, kick, punch and bite, whatever it took to
release that pressure that had been building up inside her. Then she
would flee which normally meant packing her stuff and getting in her
car and leaving. Sometimes it was worse, like if we were in the car she
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would want to open the passenger door and jump out even if the car
was travelling at 120kph. She had to escape, whatever it took. I found
these moments pretty scary, and although I had witnessed similar
behaviour from Zelda, Debbie’s was infintely worse. Sometimes I
handled it okay and other times not so well at all. I suppose my disdain
for this type of behaviour made things worse, not better. For example,
I would respond by saying: “Well, if you want to leave you know where
the door is.” With hindsight, I can see how this type of response was
like fuelling the fire. If we were out in a public place like a restaurant
or a night club and had an argument she would just walk off and leave,
sometimes without her handbag. She didn’t give a thought to her
personal safety yet somehow she would always manage to find her
way home, either by phoning a friend or hitchhiking or taking a taxi. I
couldn’t begin to understand her behaviour as it made no sense to me.
We would break up and make up before the cycle repeated itself once
more. Despite all this, I loved her and wanted to help her. I tried but it
was always a case of one step forward and two steps back.
In March 2003 my father began suffering severe pain in his side
and despite many visits to different doctors none of them managed
to diagnose the problem. Eventually after a couple of months and
many different medications which had not worked he was sent for
more scans and clinical tests. They finally identified a tumour on his
lung which they believed was cancerous and decided that it should
be removed. We were all devastated by the news as we had not been
expecting it. At this time Debbie and I were in the middle of one of our
regular break-up periods. On hearing the news I felt lost and lonely.
My parents had always liked Zelda and I really felt like talking to her.
I guess I just wanted to talk to someone who knew me well. I am not
a person to share my emotions and feelings easily; I am a complex but
simple person. I had been through a similar situation with Zelda when
her father was very ill, so I knew that she would understand how I
was feeling. I sent her an SMS to let her know about my father. As
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it turned out she was in Zurich on business but was due back in the
next few days. We spoke on the phone briefly and I was glad to have
re-established contact with her.
Early in July 2003, my father had a lung operation, during which
they removed the top third of his lung. He recovered exceptionally
quickly and he was discharged a few days earlier than expected. A few
weeks earlier, I had booked to go with a few other friends to the Tri-
Nations rugby test between Australia and South Africa to be played at
Newlands in Cape Town. I had paid for the air fares, accommodation
and tickets weeks beforehand. My father’s operation was not perfect
timing for my little jaunt but based on his quick recovery he was
insistent that I went. He was discharged on the Monday and the test
match was on the following Saturday. We were due to fly out on the
Friday afternoon but the closer we got to the time, the more uneasy
I began to feel. I understood one of the reasons for my uneasiness:
the group of guys I was going with were the husbands/partners of
Debbie’s friends and Debbie and I weren’t seeing each other anymore.
I wasn’t particularly partial to most of the guys except one of them.
But this wasn’t the real reason. I don’t know why but I had a concern
for my father. There was no reason for this as he was in good spirits
and doing well but I had this uneasy feeling in my gut that I should
not go. Finally, on the Friday at about lunchtime, I was in a bookstore
when I began to pray to God to ask him for a clear sign about whether
I should stay. I cannot remember what exactly I asked Him to give
me as a sign but it was something so specific that I would know it
immediately. I received the sign and decided not to go. I phoned my
friends and told them I was not going.
That evening I spoke to Zelda and told her about my father’s rapid
recovery, but that I was concerned about him, and had decided at the
last minute not to go on my trip. We had seen each other once or twice
since she had returned from Zurich, but on a casual basis. She invited
me to come and watch the game at her house the next day, which I
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accepted. On Saturday morning I phoned my father to see how he was
feeling: he was well. He asked me what the weather was like in Cape
Town so I told him I hadn’t gone as there was an urgent business issue
that I’d needed to attend to. He then invited me to come and watch
the game with him. I told him I’d already made other plans but would
visit him on Sunday.
That afternoon I watched the match at Zelda’s house. It was a great
match which South Africa won. I was surprised that I hadn’t received
any telephone calls and SMS messages about the game which was
normally the case. I went looking for my phone and eventually found
it in my car. There were 12 missed calls. As I identified them, I got a
fright. They were from my parents’ home number, my sister’s mobile
phone and my brother-in-law’s mobile phone. I called my sister and
she told me that my father had collapsed and that they were busy
putting him into an ambulance. I asked where they were taking him
and she said back to the hospital in Krugersdorp where he’d had the
surgery. I jumped into my car and drove as fast as I could to get there.
I arrived not long after the ambulance and met my mother and sister.
Apparently, while watching the rugby my father began to complain
that his chest was sore. At some stage he got up to go to the kitchen
to get something to drink and collapsed on the kitchen floor. My
mother heard him fall, went to see what had happened and found him
unconscious. It looked like he had suffered a heart attack. She called
the paramedics and my sister who lived nearby.
My father was admitted to intensive care as the medical staff tried
to ascertain what had happened. After a while they still weren’t sure,
but my father was now heavily sedated and completely unaware of
his surroundings. They eventually found that my father’s lung had
collapsed from excessive fluid build-up. They drained it; we left the
hospital very late that night. I decided to stay over at my parents’ home
with my mother. The next morning we went back to the hospital.
He was still heavily sedated but stable. At about lunchtime the doctor
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suggested that we leave and told us that the worst was over and that
he should be fine. I went home that night but just after 05h00 the
following morning I received a call from my mother to tell me that
we need to get to the hospital quickly. I rushed over and the doctor
said that my father had taken a turn for the worse. The whole family
was at his bedside when he passed away peacefully a little after 07h00
on Monday, 14 July 2003. The final cause of his death was heart
failure. After all the stresses that his body had been through, from the
operation through to his lung collapsing, his heart finally gave in.
I have always been the rock in the family so now I had to be strong.
I prayed to God for Him to give me the strength. All I felt like doing
was collapsing with my grief, like my mother, sister and brother were
doing around me. It was difficult but with God’s help I managed.
There were so many things to take care of, so many people to notify.
Zelda came through to my parents’ house to pay her respects but she
did not stay long as I had much to attend to. I had to arrange the
funeral, so I went by to the funeral parlour by myself; it was easier that
way. I was operating in my normal cool and efficient manner. I was
strong for everyone, but mostly, I was strong for Dad’s sake.
The day went by in a blur and by evening everyone needed to eat so
I decided to get some take-away pizzas. I was tired, sad and stressed.
While I was waiting with my nephew to get the food, I called Zelda.
She asked what time I would be leaving to go home; I told her I didn’t
know as I was still sorting out dinner. What she said next blew my
mind; she said something to the effect that I would rather have supper
with my family than be with her. I totally flipped and told her to get
lost. Here I was, at this traumatic time, trying to be the strong person,
organizing everything so everyone else could grieve and she was upset
that I wasn’t with her because I was with my family! I knew then that,
despite our recent friendship, we would never be anything more than
friends; she was more concerned about herself than anyone else. With
hindsight I am sure she never meant it like that; she probably meant
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that she wanted to be with me, for me, but she chose the wrong words
and the wrong time.
I went home a little later and got into the shower. It must have been
around 21h30 and as I stood under the shower my emotions finally
overcame me and just poured out. I cried like a baby, I couldn’t stop.
I was finally able to grieve. I spoke out loud, trying to communicate
with my father, telling him all the things I was sorry about, like not
having spent more time with him, not having been there when he
collapsed, I thanked him for all the things he had done for me. In my
bathroom I have a large mirror which has eleven lights above it, much
like the make-up lights found backstage in the actors’ dressing rooms.
The light second from the left had not been working for a long time
and I hadn’t got round to fixing it. While I was talking to my dad this
light began to flash, almost like a fluorescent globe as it begins to light
up. I kept quiet, staring at it as though it wasn’t happening.
I then said out loud: “Dad, if you are here with me, then make the
light flash again, right now.” The light bulb flashed again; I kept quiet
for at least two minutes and then I once again said out loud: “Dad,
if you are here with me then, make the light flash again, right now.”
The light bulb flashed again. I felt gooseflesh all over my body as sobs
engulfed me. I repeated everything I had said earlier, just in case he’d
arrived late and missed it.
Later, I spoke to Zelda and told her I didn’t want to see her anymore.
She wanted to attend the funeral but I said no. I felt that I would
have enough pressure and stress to deal with without worrying about
whether she was receiving sufficient attention from me. I had also
been speaking to Debbie and she was very supportive and concerned,
as she always was. I also said to her that I didn’t want her to attend. My
focus had to be on my mother and my mother alone. I didn’t want a
partner or ex-partner there because I knew I probably would not have
been able to carry off the strong-man role. When I am hurting I need
to be alone, I need to withdraw into myself as this is the only way I
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know how to deal with things.
Debbie emailed me the most fantastic and appropriate story that
night, which I chose to use as part of my speech at the funeral which
was held on the following Thursday. After reading it, I immediately
realized that the message in the story described how my father lived
his life. I have made some minor adaptations, but the context is the
same. The story is called ...
The philosophy of wine
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items
in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked
up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill
it with rocks, about five centimetres in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed
that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles,
of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He
then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed
it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then
asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
with a unanimous yes.
The professor then produced a bottle of red wine from under
the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the
jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The
students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want
you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
“The rocks are the important things—your spiritual life, your
family, your partner, your health, your children—things that,
if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life
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would still be full.
“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house, your car.
“The sand is everything else—the small stuff.
“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for
the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay
attention to the things that are critical to your happiness:
• Take time to grow your spiritual life and your relationship
with the Lord
• Play with your children
• Take time to get medical check-ups
• Take your partner out and do the things that you both love
doing.
“There will always be time to:
• go to work
• clean the house
• give a dinner party
• fix the household appliances.
“Take care of the rocks first—the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the
wine represented.
The professor smiled: “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to
show that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always
room for a good bottle of red wine.”
After the funeral, the family went to the crematorium where we said
our final goodbyes to Dad. Eventually the day was over. I had managed
to get through it posing as the strong man, but only with God’s help.
When I got home that evening I received a call from Debbie to see
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how I was doing. She asked if there was anything she could do for
me and I instinctively told her I wanted her to be with me. I needed
company, I needed someone to share my grief with me. Before I knew
it, she was there; she’d dropped everything and made arrangements for
her mother to look after the boys.
On the day my father passed way I asked my mother where he
would have liked us to scatter his ashes. She said he’d always loved the
mountains and specifically the Drakensberg mountains. So I arranged
to take the entire family—my mother, my mother’s sister, Linda and
her husband Pedro, their two teenage children, my brother Mark,
Brett and Shayna—to the Drakensberg for the weekend directly after
the funeral. I hired a bus and driver and arranged for us to stay at
the Drakensberg Sun Hotel. Mark had arranged to have some bottles
of red wine labelled with a photograph of my father which we took,
along with my father’s ashes. I asked Debbie if she would come with
me, and she did. Once again we were back together.
On the Saturday morning we all hiked up into the mountains and
found an appropriate spot where we had a picnic. We opened the wine
and scattered Dad’s ashes. Despite the terrible red wine it was a fitting
farewell to a very special man.
Lessons learned:
79. We take our lives and those of our loved ones for granted. We seldom take
the time to communicate all the things that we should to our loved ones and
then we regret it if they suddenly pass away.
80. I believe that after we die, there is a period when our souls are still on this
planet. It allows us time to say our last farewells before the souls depart.
In August 2003, there was another significant change in my personal
life. Shayna, who had just turned 16, came to live with Brett and me.
In December 2002, Jenny and her husband immigrated to London as
he had been battling to find work in South Africa, in spite of being a
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well-skilled craftsman. Jenny has a British passport so they’d decided
that there would be better opportunities for them in London. The
original plan was that Jenny and David would go across and settle
in, while Shayna would move there the following year, in July/
August and complete her education in the United Kingdom. Jenny
and Shayna decided that it would be better for Shayna to stay with
Jenny’s mother in Jenny’s apartment for the next few months and
continue at Sandringham High with her grade 10. They felt it would
not make sense for Shayna to live with me because it would mean
her changing schools. I agreed as it would be difficult for Shayna to
settle into a new school, to make new friends, then leave a few months
later. What I did not agree was the fact that Shayna would complete
her education in the UK. Although I didn’t have a close bond with
Shayna, I somehow knew that she wouldn’t like the UK. But mothers
and teenage daughters always know better, don’t they?
In April 2003, I bought Shayna a ticket to London to spend a couple
of weeks with Jenny. When she came back she had made up her mind
that she did not want to complete her education in the UK. She was
also battling to live with her granny, but we agreed she should complete
the year at Sandringham High and then come and live with me at the
end of the year. Shayna was also struggling without her mother as they
had a strong relationship. The result was that her grades were really
poor. She was a lost soul. Fortunately, she had a new boyfriend, Brad,
who is a fantastic person, so at she least had someone that she was close
to. During this period she used to come and spend some weekends
with me but she also spent a lot of time at Brad’s parents’ house. By
August, she could not handle living with her granny anymore. She
had been talking to Debbie about her frustration, so the two of them
decided that Shayna should come and live with me immediately.
Debbie and Shayna are both leos which by default means they are
both drama queens, so I was no match for them and I had to give in.
The biggest challenge was transport for Shayna to get to school and
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back but between her and Debbie, they found a student to provide the
service, for a handsome fee.
Adjusting to this change was difficult for both of us. Shayna was
an extremely lazy and untidy person which drove me crazy. She’d
inherited this trait from her mother; in fact I remember tidying Jenny’s
bedroom when we first started dating, when Jenny was nineteen. I am
a relatively neat person; things don’t have to be spotless, only neat and
tidy. For months Shayna and I bumped heads over this and normally
it would result in me emptying her messy cupboards all over the
floor and making her repack them. At the time I was not very close
to her, so I think I misinterpreted a lot of her emotions. I thought
she was battling without her mother which was partially the reason,
but with hindsight, I realize it was also because she was desperate to
have a relationship with me. She was as unhappy living with me as
she had been living with her granny. It became frustrating because
she would be crying to her mother and Jenny would be phoning
me to try and teach me how to deal with Shayna. I wasn’t partial to
this distance-learning programme that Jenny was trying to provide
me with, so one day I told her, in not-so-polite terms, to back off.
I only had two expectations of Shayna which were simply to keep
her room and bathroom reasonably neat and to make an effort to do
some schoolwork, neither of which she was doing. Once she started
making an effort in these directions, I would make an effort to forge
a better relationship with her. My view was that if she wasn’t prepared
to respect my basic wishes, she could not respect me. Eventually we
both managed to get our acts together and fortunately we have now
developed a very close, strong relationship.
Lessons learned:
81. For people to live together in the same environment e.g. a family, a
commune, a flatmate or a lodger, there have to be some ground rules agreed
to upfront. This alleviates unnecessary stress and altercations.
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82. Do not compromise your relationship with a person because they remind
you of someone else.
83. Not everyone sees things the way you do. That does not make them wrong,
it only makes them different. If their behaviour and their views are that
noticeably different, then make sure you have applied lesson 81.
As a male, being the single parent to a teenage daughter has other
challenges. Shayna and Brad were still going strong; they had been
together for at least a year and a half when I started to become concerned
about contraception for her. Shayna was 17½ when I decided to do
something about it. Although she claimed she was still a virgin, I was
worried that in a moment of passion and weakness this could change
in a flash. I had no aspirations of becoming a grandfather at 43, so I
made an appointment for Shayna to see a female gynaecologist. It was
easier to make the appointment than to attend it. I arrived there with
my young, attractive daughter and walked into a waiting room full of
women, all giving me the beady eye. No doubt, they were thinking that
I was a lecherous old man with my young girlfriend. I have never had so
much attention focused on me at any one point in time. I almost began
to feel ashamed. Meeting the aged female gynaecologist was not much
fun either. She asked why we were there and I explained that I wanted
Shayna to start taking contraceptive pills as a precaution. She gave me
an interrogation of note, claiming that I shouldn’t be encouraging my
daughter. I simply told her I would rather be safe than sorry, as she
was in a serious relationship. I remember wondering that were I her
mother whether I might not have been given a pat on the back for my
mature approach. She then proceeded to give Shayna a physical check-
up in a curtained-off cubicle. I was distinctly uncomfortable being in
the same room at that time. Finally she wrote the script for the pill.
I mentally prepared myself, for the attention I would receive as we
walked out of the consulting room and into the waiting room, filled
with disgusted females.
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Towards the end of the 2003, Pat’s house was due to be completed
and so Debbie had made plans to transfer Trevor and Callum from
their current nursery (pre-school) in Benoni to a school closer to their
new home. Pat had sold her house and the family had to move out
by the end on November 2003. As is usually the case, the building
contractors were behind schedule and so Debbie asked if she and her
boys could stay with me for two weeks until their new house was
ready. I agreed and they moved in. They also moved all their stuff to
my house, to be stored for the final move. It was one thing having
the kids for a weekend but a whole new ball game having them for a
longer period. Brett, Shayna and I found that out the hard way. I took
the boys to school every morning and fetched them almost every day.
Debbie now had this long commute, through endless traffic to the
other side of town to her new job. Being such a highly stressed person,
she easily succumbed to the frustrations of sitting in slow-moving
traffic, bumper to bumper for up to an hour each way. By the time she
came home she was in a foul mood and having to deal with bathing
and feeding the kids just compounded the problem. She was used to
arriving home with her domestic worker having done everything. I
helped out from time to time by bathing and feeding them, but I had
this growing resentment that I was not their mother. Why should I
take them and fetch them from school, bath and feed them, and give
them the love and attention that they sought only from me? She rarely
expressed her appreciation or thanked me. I felt I was being taken for
granted. Inwardly I knew she appreciated what I did but my issue was
that she didn’t express it, so I backed off and let her be a mother for a
change. She became like a tightly strung bow. Something had to give
and when it did, I was normally on the receiving end.
The whole environment was new to me; selfishly I was used to
having my own space, lots of it, perhaps not as much now since Shayna
had moved in. I felt claustrophobic, I was counting down the days
until the two weeks were up and Debbie and her kids would move in
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with her mother. I have no doubt that Brett and Shayna were counting
as hard as me. The scheduled day to move was Friday, 12 December
2003. The day finally arrived and I took the kids to school with a smile
on my face. Unbeknown to me Debbie approached this very same day
with concern and anxiousness. She phoned me at work that morning
and asked me this curve-ball question that I hadn’t seen coming. “Are
you going to marry me?” I clearly remember sitting at my desk, trying
to understand where this question had come from. Not once had we
ever discussed moving in together or getting married or anything as
serious as that. In my mind two things were clear to me: firstly, I’d
told her on our first date that I didn’t believe I would ever get married
again; secondly, we had what most normal people would consider
to be a volatile relationship, which needed to be dealt with before
anything else. My response was measured. I said I hadn’t considered
ever getting married again, but I was committed to being in a long-
term relationship with her and we would see over a period of time
where it would lead. She was insistent and asked me again: “Are you
going to marry me?” I responded by saying that I couldn’t promise her
that either way right now. Her response was that as I couldn’t give her
the commitment that she needed and wanted, she would be foolish to
continue wasting her time and love on me and that she would move
on and find the right partner for herself. I hadn’t contemplated the end
of this relationship, but for me it was a moment of truth. Yes, I did love
her, but I was not ready or interested in getting married again. The
institution of marriage was meaningless to me but I could understand
her view. I could have been selfish, which was not out of character
for me, and tried to convince her to reconsider, but I didn’t. I merely
said that I loved her and did not want to have the relationship end, but
equally, I could not promise her that I would marry her in the near
or distant future. She said that our relationship was now over and she
would move all her belongings out of my house that afternoon.She
then put the phone down on me. I was shocked and surprised, but
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perhaps it was the best thing for us, so I accepted it to be fate. Lessons learned:

I arrived home at about 17h45 that evening, poured myself a drink 84. Lack of communication creates huge expectations and/or misunderstandings.

and sat down in front of the television to contemplate my new bachelor Never assume you know what your partner wants and/or expects; always ask

status. I had left for work that morning, excited about my return to them to tell you and vice versa. Once you have asked them and they have

quiet sanity—no screaming, crying kids—just peace, home ... single. told you, don’t assume that is it. Over time, people and their environments

‘Be careful for what you wish for, as you might just get it’ was one of change as do their needs and expectations. You have to continuously revisit

the thoughts that came to mind. Now I was a little bit angry. Why your mutual needs and expectations, communicating these either verbally,

could she not have brought this up before? Why did I have to go or alternatively, if it is easier, by writing notes or letters to each other.

through two weeks of hard labour with her kids, her foul moods and 85. Be careful what you wish for as you just may get it. God listens to us all

her temper? Couldn’t she have said something before? A short while the time and sometimes decides to give us what we ask for just to teach us

later, I heard a car in the driveway, so I went outside to see who it a little lesson.

was. To my surprise it was Debbie and her boys. She got out the car, 86. Two wrongs don’t make a right. As difficult as it is, even though you may

looked at me, adopted her all-to-familiar stubborn stance and blurted have won the battle, you may need to broker the peace in order not to lose

out: “I can’t do this, I can’t live in two homes,” but before she could the war. Two stubborn mules pulling in opposite directions will not move the

get into her car, I retorted in my normal, clever-at-the-time way, by cart forward.

saying “Well then, don’t!” and turned and walked back into the house.
Obviously I was still pissed off, but I felt that I deserved the right to be.
Surely the measure of a balanced relationship is that you can both be
pissed off at the same time? She clearly didn’t share my philosophical
viewpoint, so she got in the car and drove off. She phoned me a few
minutes later and told me our relationship was over, but I knew that
already from the morning’s telephone conversation, but perhaps I am
slow at times?
And so at the age of 42½, my fourth significant relationship ended
after 13 months—rather make that a year and one month as it sounds
better, doesn’t it?

170 171

Around September 2003, my business partner at DocQnet, Mike,
hired a new salesperson by the name of Gloria to sell our products.
She was one of many he had hired, as all her predecessors had failed
dismally. What made it worse was that Mike had not discussed this
with me or anyone else for that matter, because as it turned out Gloria
was a friend of a friend of Mike’s. When he announced this new
appointment at our weekly management meeting we all threw our
toys out the cot. But to his credit he said that he wanted to give her
an opportunity and was prepared to pay her salary out of his own
pocket for three months, but asked us to support her and give her a
chance. When I found out that she knew nothing about IT, I was even
more flabbergasted but Mike’s view was that she was attractive and
she could sell, which would get her through the door, then it was up to
her. In my mind this was another classic Mike sales pitch of “Join me
and I will make you rich”. I couldn’t be party to another lamb being
led to the slaughter, so I backed off and barely said a word to her for
a couple of months besides daily pleasantries. Give Gloria her due:
she tried, she worked hard but she was battling. I knew this would be
the case as at that point, not even Mike, our best salesman, had sold
anything of significance—even with his thirty years of IT experience
and his slick, smooth-talking manner, not to mention his thousands
of business contacts. Gloria was out of her depth; in fact she was in the
wrong swimming pool. I was secretly hoping that she would soon see
the light and go back to doing what she was best at. I had no idea that
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was, as I knew nothing about her except that she was divorced and had
been sold a lemon.
By the time December came she was still trying as hard as ever. I
had not really spoken to her except for the one occasion when she
came and asked for my help. I was so engrossed in trying to solve a
difficult technical problem for one of our customers that I didn’t need
the distraction. I suppose, with my normal work personality, I was
somewhat offish to her as I didn’t try to go out of my way to help her.
Normally I am very helpful but when I am trying to deal with a real
brain-teasing problem, I tend to be less so. I said I would get back to
her and went back to my own problem. A little later, once I had solved
my brain-teaser, my mind opened a little to the outside world and
immediately I recognized my less-than-helpful behaviour, so I went to
her desk to rectify things but she had already left the office.
On the Thursday, before the Friday that Debbie had asked me to
commit to marrying her, I had received an updated internal staff
telephone list as some of our staff had changed their mobile numbers.
I checked through my mobile phone to ensure that all the numbers
were correct and noticed that I did not have Gloria’s number on my
phone so I saved it. Why I did it, I wasn’t too sure.
On the Friday evening after the incident when Debbie arrived and
then left I was sitting at home thinking about the turn of events.
Typically, what had happened in our relationship in the past, was
we would have an argument, break up and then a couple of hours
later make up again. This time it had to be different because of the
new dimension of marriage having being brought into the equation.
I knew I couldn’t make the kind of commitment to Debbie that she
required and it would have been extremely selfish of me and unfair to
her to keep her living in hope that I might. I believed that she deserved
the right to find someone who might be able to offer her the long-
term security she sought. So I decided that I had to accept it was over
and move on and sitting at home feeling sorry for myself was not the
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best idea. I was going to call a friend and arrange to go out but as I
scrolled through my phone, I noticed Gloria’s name and decided to
contact her via SMS. I had no idea whether she was involved in a
relationship or not so my message went something along the lines of
“If you are not involved in a relationship and happen to be at a loose
end tonight, would you like to get together? If you are involved please
accept my apology for having contacted you in this manner”. I sent it
and waited to see what happened. It must have been about 20 minutes
later that she responded via SMS and said she wasn’t involved and we
could get together. I then phoned her to make the arrangement and
agreed to fetch her from her house and go out from there. During
the conversation, I learned that she had three children—a 21-year-old
daughter who lived on her own and two sons aged 17 and eleven who
lived with her, but had left that day to to spend the holidays with their
father who was living in Plettenberg Bay. So for the first time in ages
Gloria was on her own and had some time to herself.
When I arrived at her house, she was not ready. She had only just got
back as she had been with friends when I had called. I sat down and as
the house was fairly open-plan, we were able to chat as she was getting
ready. I had a look at her CD collection and saw that she had a similar
taste in music to mine, which obviously made her a good person! I
asked her who her favourite artist or band was and she said the Red
Hot Chili Peppers, which made her an even better person as they are
my favourite band. She was scoring seriously good points thus far.
It was so easy and comfortable to chat to her from the first minute;
there were no uncomfortable silences as is usually the case when two
strangers get together for the first time. I remarked about this to her
and she said: “We have a spiritual connection; that is why it’s so easy for
us to communicate.”. Then she said a very strange thing to me—“You
are an old soul,” which I immediately took as an insult, but in good
humour. Just because I was bald and generally a responsible person,
did not make me old, I insisted. I could party with the best of them
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and I considered my outlook to be young. In fact, I pointed out, all the
friends of my two eldest kids thought I was the coolest dad in town,
which I might add with a touch of humility, was a fact. She went on
to explain that she meant it in terms of my soul age, which was a little
weird for me as I did not understand the concept at all. After all, I was
a traditional reborn Christian, who had been indoctrinated into the
beliefs that we are born, we live, we die, we go to heaven or we go to
hell. So where exactly our souls get the opportunity to age was one of
the thoughts that came to mind, but I didn’t voice my thoughts.
I could smell incense burning and asked her about it. She said she
often burned, especially when she was doing her numerology and
tarot-card readings. To an indoctrinated Christian this was as good as
witchcraft. Oh boy, here I was with this lovely lady who had already
chalked up some serious points on the board and there she goes,
blowing the points quicker than I could write them up. The little
hair that I had on my head was standing up and I did what any good
Christian would do—I went on the defensive.
“I believe in God and in Jesus Christ and I must warn you that if
you say anything that conflicts with my belief, I will get up and walk
out of here.”
Her response threw me even more; she said she also believed in God
and Jesus Christ. Now I was even more confused as I had always been
taught to believe that numerology, astrology and tarot-card reading
were the work of the devil. But at the same time, I was curious to learn
a bit more about these ‘dicey’ activities and her involvement in them.
She explained that numerology is merely a translation of numbers,
which are essentially an energy form and those energies determine
and describe our personalities, among other things. She said a whole
lot more, but it all sounded gobbeldy-gook to me. To prove her point
she asked me what my full name was, how it was spelt and my date
of birth. She then set about writing numbers and scribbling notes on
a piece of paper. Within a few minutes, she started to describe my
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personality and my strengths and weaknesses. I was staggered, but
so was she. I was amazed that she could know all these things simply
from my name and date of birth. She was surprised because she had
formed an opinion of me, based on her experience of me at work.
She assumed I was a quiet, unsociable recluse that stuck to himself
and ignored everyone else, yet as she unravelled my numerology she
learned that that was not the true me but my work persona.
I was now captivated and started asking lots of questions. It is in
my nature to question everything, not because I might not believe
it, but purely because I want to understand it. The only thing that I
have ever accepted ‘in faith’ is that there is a God. For the rest, I will
question, debate, and try to tear things apart with logical reasoning
and deduction until it is crystal clear and simple. If it is not simple,
then it cannot be understood by everyone; if it cannot be understood
by everyone, then I consider it to be an elitist argument and not the
core truth. I have never believed that the truth is reserved for the
minority—to me that is not God’s way.
By now it was quite late and all thought of going out had long since
disappeared. I listened to Gloria as she explained her spiritual beliefs
and understanding. She had spent the last ten years of her life studying
the Bible, the Koran, and the Torah, Eastern philosophies, Western
philosophies etc. I was sceptical at first, as she spoke of us (people)
having multiple journeys and on each journey we would learn life
lessons and pay back karmic debts. Then she said something else that
was very strange to me: she said that she and I had a karmic connection.
She saw the confused look on my face and so she explained that we
had been together in a previous journey. At that stage, I think the look
on my face had changed from confused to concerned, if not horrified.
How much can a confused, indoctrinated, reborn Christian digest in
the space of a few hours? I think that at the time I was beginning to
test the limits but for some strange reason I was open to these weird
and wacky ideas that were her beliefs. Normally I would have cut the
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discussion short, but I was intrigued. She spoke about her belief that
our lives are preordained, which on the surface was not too different to
what we as indoctrinated Christians believe, as we are forever saying:
“God has got a plan for each and every one of us.” The difference with
her view was that along our journey we will be faced with various tests
or life lessons that we have to learn and, depending on the choices we
make, there will be different consequences. That sounded reasonable
to me as it was based on simple logic, you make the right choice or the
wrong choice, but she didn’t quite see it that way as she believed that
there was no right or wrong in the spiritual world—there were just
choices which you could call orange and yellow for that matter. This
little nuance was difficult for me to accept.
She spoke about astrology and the fact that she had had her
astrological chart done several years ago and everything that had been
predicted in her life had come true. After some discussion about this,
she went to get her chart and the notes and talked me through what
had been said and predicted and how all of it had actually materialized.
I found this scary, concerning and captivating, all at once. She showed
me her journals that she kept, hard-covered books that contained all
her thoughts, including details of the tarot-card readings that she had
done for herself, all in a strict chronological sequence. She pointed out
the readings and notes that had predicted her joining a company like
DocQnet, long before it actually happened. I could relate to this time
frame and I was amazed. There had to be something more to this as
there were too many coincidences. I remember saying this to her. Her
response was: “There is no such thing as coincidence, there is only
your journey and what is meant to happen will happen.” I didn’t have
too much of a problem with this statement as I had always believed in
fate; at the time I just didn’t understand the how and why of it.
We discussed, debated, argued, agreed and disagreed on a whole
variety of issues and before we knew it the sun had risen. It felt like
the night was over in a flash. I was tired, excited, stimulated, confused,
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concerned and interested. I had met someone who was so open and
honest and so easy to talk to. I wanted to see her again and so we made
plans to meet again later in the day.
We met later on and our discussions ranged from topics such as
work, music, spiritual aspects and personal relationships. It was
uncanny—before she said something I often already knew what she
was going to say. At one stage I think I tried to convince myself that
I was actually telepathic, as I did not have another logical reason for
this. I learned about her life, which had been extremely challenging,
full of extremes. She had experienced wealth and poverty, personal
success and failure. She had been married for about 20 years and had
been treated very poorly by her ex-husband, in all ways. How she had
tolerated and endured this did not make any sense to me; she put it
down to her having to pay back karma from previous journeys. At the
time I thought it was her stupidity; if things are so bad then pack your
bags, take your kids and leave—that was my argument. She actually
did but it took her 19 years longer than I thought it should. But then
again, I always have an answer for everything, or so I have been told.
Lessons learned:
87. As a generalization, most of our spiritual beliefs are a consequence of many
years of hearing the same things over and over again. We seldom choose
to open our minds, hearts and souls to new and different experiences. The
church has always been extremely good at telling us that anything not
espoused by priests or the Bible is evil. Perhaps a lot of that may be true, but
until such time as you have heard other points of view, how can you decide
if it makes sense or not?
88. Everybody is entitled to their own truth. My truth is neither right nor wrong;
it is simply my truth. The same applies to your truth.
89. Be prepared to listen to other points of view and if they resonate with
your gut, your soul, then internalize them, if not then discard them, without
casting judgement over the person sharing their ‘truth’ with you.
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90. There is no such thing as coincidence; everything happens for a reason—to
put us in a situation, environment or relationship for us to experience and
learn something from it.
Over the next few days our relationship evolved so rapidly it was
difficult to keep up. I was like a spiritual leech; I was constantly
bombarding her with questions on everything that she shared with
me. So much so that at one stage she thought that I was trying to
belittle her beliefs, but this was never the case. I was so interested and
intrigued; I was like a sponge, trying to suck up more and more. I
was trying to make sense of it, trying to see the logic as I felt that if
our lives were so preordained by God and the universe, then it was a
logical journey and if it was logical, then I could understand it as I was
the king of logic. In a way it was also a good experience for her because
her beliefs were being truly tested and it is only when you are forced
to explain things to someone else that you really find out if you have
truly understood them yourself.
I contacted Zelda a few days after Debbie and I had broken up. I
guess the reason was mainly to do with the fact that we’d previously
had such fun together and enjoyed each other’s company. I knew we
could never be in a relationship again but that shouldn’t stop us from
seeing each other. She had just broken up with a guy by the name of
Richard. We decided to meet for lunch and it was great seeing her
again. We had shared some of the most fantastic times together but,
by the same token, we had shared some of the worst times together
as well. Nevertheless, we always have and always will, get on well as
we have so much in common, especially our passion for music. As
it turned out she was really sad that things hadn’t worked out with
Richard. I was surprised to hear her acknowledge that she was basically
the cause of the breakdown of the relationship. I have no doubt that
Zelda and I will always have a special fondness for each other. We
agreed that as we enjoyed each other’s company, we would continue to
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see each other as friends and should anything developed from there,
then it was meant to be. I had already picked up a vibe that she was
more serious about taking things further, but I wasn’t, I wanted a bit
of space. It would have been easy for us to fall back into the trap of the
comfort zone of each other, but I had decided that I really didn’t want
a long-term relationship, or so I thought.
A month or two before, I had arranged with Dario, a very good
friend of mine to go down to his holiday house in Scottburgh on the
KwaZulu-Natal south coast for ten days over the Christmas holidays.
Dario was divorced but his two young daughters were also going
with him. When I made this arrangement I was still with Debbie and
so Dario was expecting Debbie and her boys to accompany us. We
had planned to meet him there on the Saturday, 20 December 2003.
Things had obviously changed quite dramatically during that week,
so I called him to tell him that I was going to be coming on my own
as Debbie and I had broken up. While I was telling him the news,
I suddenly thought that maybe I should ask Gloria if she wanted to
come with me. I asked Dario if that would be okay with him and in
his typical carefree Italian manner he said it was fine. So I asked Gloria
and she happily accepted. She then told me that her card readings, done
many months before, had predicted that she would go on a romantic
holiday to the coast at the end of the year. She had been getting quite
concerned as it was already the middle of December and there was no
holiday in sight, but then suddenly we met and within a week we were
off to the coast on holiday.
On one occasion, when I had seen Zelda, I had also mentioned that
I was going on my own to stay with Dario and before his daughters
arrived we were going to do the ‘boys’ thing’, you know, play golf,
drink, party, have fun. A day or two before I was due to go down to
the coast I received a call from Zelda. She said: “I have this fantastic
idea; I’ve decided to come down to Scottburgh with you and we can all
play golf and have fun.” Oh dear, I now had a delicate problem on my
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hands: I had told Zelda that I was going on my own, which was true at
the time, but since then I had invited Gloria. So I did what I thought
best at the time and said no, it was going to be a ‘boys’ thing’.
On the Saturday morning Gloria and I left for the coast. As it was
a six-hour drive we had plenty of time to chat and it was during this
time that we both realized that this was going to be more than a
casual fling; it was the beginning of a relationship. We had a fantastic
time with Dario and during this time Gloria and I grew close. It was
amazing how well we knew each other; for her, it made sense as she
believed we had a karmic connection. For me, it was just another one
of many strange things that I had started to experience, that told me
there was a lot more to this life and universe that I did not understand
but needed to.
One of the many attributes that I had found unusual but amazing
was her attitude towards my life’s story. For the first time in my life,
I was able to tell a woman everything I had done—the good, the
bad, the ugly. I didn’t leave a single thing out, including my three
affairs, yet she was never judgemental. I was receiving many, many
SMS messages from Debbie during this time and it never irritated
or threatened her. In fact, I would show her the SMSs and ask her
opinion on how I should deal with Debbie. In almost every instance
I did not respond. There was no way that I could tell Debbie that I
was on holiday with another woman, a woman that I had only really
met just a week ago. Debbie would never believe that I hadn’t cheated
on her, that I’d never had any connection or relationship with Gloria
before we broke up. It was one of Debbie’s worst fears, that I would
leave her for someone else, as she’d decided that my track record made
me a certifiable cheater. The fact that I was never unfaithful to Zelda
or to Debbie did not mean that I was a ‘rehabilitated’ man, heck no!
For her it was only a matter of time before I resorted to such woeful
ways! So on the odd occasion that I did respond to her SMSs, it was
always done on Gloria’s advice and in the most decent, sensitive way
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possible. But Debbie wasn’t about to give up on me just yet. Sound
familiar?
One rainy evening when Dario, Gloria and I were out having dinner
at a little restaurant, a young woman who was selling single-stemmed
roses walked in. I watched as she went through the restaurant trying
in vain for a sale. When she got to our table I asked how her sales had
been that evening and she said they had been dismal. I felt quite sorry
for her, so I asked her how many roses she had left and she told me
thirty-one. I bought them all for Gloria. The surprised look on both
women’s faces was worth it. What I didn’t know at the time was that
this particular incident was a very specific sign for Gloria. Later on I
found out that, in her earlier tarot reading regarding the end-of-year
romantic holiday, she also learned that she would meet someone with
whom she would have a mutually significant relationship, and that she
would know this man by the following characteristics and/or signs:
• a little older than her
• he would have the following star signs in his chart—Gemini,
Pisces and Capricorn
• he would take her on a romantic holiday to the coast at the end
of the year
• he would buy her an “armful of flowers”
The gesture of buying those 31 roses was the last sign that confirmed
to her that I was the man, as all the other signs had been true. There
was something else that she didn’t tell me at the time, which was very
important but I will get to that later.
While at the coast she had spoken to her two sons, who now knew that
she was on holiday with this strange man. Her ex-husband obviously
found out and now, after a couple of years of enjoying drug-induced
parties and a string of business failures, he’d decided to make a play for
her again. Gloria has always loved him, despite the terrible life he had
given her. As such she was normally easy prey for him. Fortunately
for her, she now had me in her life and so she told him that she wasn’t
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interested, which didn’t go down well as he was planning on driving
their sons back from Plettenberg Bay and moving in with her. His job
in Plettenberg Bay had apparently gone up in smoke.
We returned home very much in love. I was so happy. I was finally
in a relationship that was balanced, based on mutual respect, love,
trust and honesty. I could speak to her about absolutely anything
and everything. My previous partners had always complained about
my lack of communication and how I didn’t share things; now I was
becoming a rambling idiot. I didn’t need to be careful how I worded
something, I could speak freely about my ex’s which by now had
amounted to the not-so-insignificant number of four. Gloria had this
amazing ability to separate her human emotions from her spiritual
emotions. I had never met anyone as simple and yet as solid as her. I
learned more about her life, the hardships she had suffered, and the
extremely difficult marriage she had endured. She had struggled as
much as anyone else I knew, but she never complained and always
remained upbeat and positive and her faith never faltered.
Lessons learned:
91. If you and your partner are both mature and secure within yourselves, it
is possible to have a totally open and honest relationship, and nothing from
your past will make any difference. This can only be done if you communicate
openly with each other and accept that your past is your past, where it
belongs. It is your past that helps define who you are, but your present
choices will determine who and where you will be in the future.
Each day I learned more and more from Gloria. My intense inquisition
continued without relent. I do believe that as a result of this, Gloria
was forced to internalize much more of her ‘head knowledge’ than she
ever had to before. I challenged her views, made her rethink many of
them, but in the end it made me a lot more aware of the spiritual world
and it made her faith, knowledge and beliefs stronger than ever.
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After New Year, her two sons returned from their holiday and it was
time for me to meet them. James is good looking but at the time was
a cocky 17-year-old; Ken was a gangly, awkward eleven year old, who
was very much his ‘mommy’s boy’. At first it was a bit difficult because
as is normally the case, kids from a divorced home always hope that
someday their parents will get back together. So if mommy meets
someone else it puts a spanner in the works. Gloria told me that James
was a bright but lazy student who battled at school, purely because he
was so lazy and disinterested. He loved computers and spent all his
time on his computer. James had received a chess set from his father
and rated himself as a really good chess player, so the best way for him
to put me in my place was to whip me at chess. He challenged me
and proceeded to tell me that chess is a wonderful way to show how
intelligent you are. What was I to do? I hadn’t played chess for many
years. Did I tell him that I was captain of my primary-school chess
team before the Beatles were even popular, to scare him off, or did I
pray quietly that I didn’t get whipped? I did neither; I just concentrated
and made sure I beat him thoroughly and quickly. I had to teach this
young pup some respect. And I did. After a few games he finally gave
up. I got along with them both as I knew how to play the game. They
soon relaxed and accepted me. By now Gloria had also met Brett and
Shayna and they both liked her.
One morning during the second or third week of January we had
a big surprise. It was about 6 am when my bedroom door burst open
and Debbie stormed in. She found Gloria and I in bed asleep, until
the commotion woke us, that is. She went berserk, screaming and
shouting and throwing things around. I managed to eventually get
her out the house and out the gate. I couldn’t understand how she
had managed to get in, so I called Netto, my long-suffering domestic
helper. He told me that she had called him from the side gate and that
I’d said it was okay for her to come in and fetch some plates she had left
in the kitchen cupboards. He was reluctant at first, but she convinced
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him that she was only going to take the plates and leave. He believed
her. The rest was like a slow-motion horror movie. It was about a
month after we had broken up and at no stage had I ever given Debbie
any hope that there might be any reconciliation, but obviously she
thought differently and the results were extremely unpleasant for her.
I can only imagine how terrible it must be to see someone you love in
bed with another person. I really felt sorry for her but I felt it was her
choice to sneak in when she had no right to; I wasn’t cheating on her
as we had broken up a month before and I was in a relationship with
another woman. In Debbie’s mind I was cheating on her and to this
day I am not sure that she has ever forgiven me for it.
The only way that Annie could hurt me was through the children.
and she used this leverage whenever she could. Zelda had witnessed
it many times and so had Debbie. So if they wanted to hurt me, get
Annie to use the kids against me. It wasn’t that long before that Zelda
had phoned Annie after I had broken up with her and was dating
Debbie, to tell her that Debbie was a former stripper; as a result of that
call, Annie refused to send Stevan to stay with me for the holidays.
Zelda got her way so score a point for her. In mid January 2004,
shortly after Debbie had popped into my bedroom unannounced,
she managed to track down Zelda and now they both had something
in common: that bastard who had broken their hearts, so now they
could form an alliance. Zelda didn’t know at this time that I had taken
Gloria to Scottburgh and was now in a relationship with her. I assume
that Zelda was angry as she had wanted to go to Scottburgh with me
and I’d refused. Zelda still had Annie’s telephone number, which she
gave Debbie, and Debbie, in her tearful and possibly intoxicated state,
called to tell her what an unfit father I was and that she shouldn’t let
Stevan and Jamie stay with me. Annie relishes this sort of drama, so
much so that she she phoned me to ask if Debbie was taking drugs as
she was incoherent and difficult to understand.
Late in January, Gloria came to see me. She was distraught as she had
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just been threatened with eviction. After their divorce, her ex-husband,
Brad, had been quite indifferent about paying her maintenance as
ruled by the courts. In fact, he didn’t bother paying it at all and Gloria
was too soft and accommodating to report him to the courts. At the
time she was living under very difficult circumstances with her two
sons in her parents’ house. One day she got a call from Brad who
asked her if she wanted to take over the house he was renting as he
had been offered a job in Plettenberg Bay and there were still several
months to run on the lease. She said she would love to but couldn’t
afford the rent so he said that he would pay the rent for her in lieu of
maintenance. She thought this a great offer so she accepted and they
moved in after Brad had moved out. What she didn’t know was that he
hadn’t paid the rent while he was living there, nor did he bother to pay
it after Gloria moved in. The landlord had been chasing him but he’d
always managed to avoid the calls. Eventually the landlord confronted
Gloria at the house. She had to come up with seven months’ rent or
move out immediately.
And there it was, another one of those precious moments in life
when you have to make an immediate, important decision. I had this
large house with two spare bedrooms upstairs. How could I not offer
to take them in at this desperate time? What kind of person would that
make me if I didn’t? I remember thinking how ironic it was that no
more than six weeks before I’d been so keen to see Debbie and her two
small boys move out, yet here I was offering to take Gloria and her
two big boys in. Was this God’s sense of humour at work? I did what I
felt I had to do—I offered them a home.
And so, before we knew it, we had created our own version of the
Brady Bunch. Poor old Netto was astonished. At one stage he’d only
had to look after a large house and me; then Brett and me; then Brett,
Shayna and me; then Brett, Shayna, Gloria, James, Ken and me. This
meant extra work for him, something that he wasn’t partial to in the
first place. So to appease him I almost doubled his salary and for a
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while he was smiling, until he had to work, that is. Sometimes I think
he dislikes my generous personality more than I do. I briefly thought
about the scenario where I’d have to explain this development to
Debbie, but I figured that she would understand my reasons as much
as she believed that I hadn’t left her for another woman. Life is easy;
it’s just complicated by people.
Everyone settled in quite nicely; we were like one big happy family.
Brett and Shayna got on well with James but found Ken a problem,
about as much of a problem as his brother James found him. He was
different, a quiet, spiritual boy, who was very close to his mother. He
was not the sports jock; he was into his vegetable and herb gardening
and playing computer games, so the poor boy bore the brunt of much
teasing. Gloria was overly protective of Ken so didn’t appreciate the
banter. I made a point that we all sat down as a family at 7 pm every
evening, as it was a good way for everyone to bond and spend some
quality time together. But these meals became the source of a single,
niggling frustration: Ken’s table manners. I have never seen such
atrocious table manners in my life—he would attack, kill and chomp
his food, open-mouthed, in such a vigorous manner that you’d think
he hadn’t eaten in weeks. I decided to change the seating arrangements
so he would sit next to me. Okay, so I was being a bit of a control
freak, but for his own good. At first I spoke quietly to him, without
drawing attention to him, but that didn’t work. Then I tried to signal
him either by eye or by quietly saying his name. Gloria was not aware
of his challenged table manners until I made her sit opposite him.
She was unpleasantly surprised and did her bit to try and assist me
to ultimately help Ken. But it was an uphill struggle. At times he was
almost okay, at others he was on ‘top’ form which got my back up.
I suggested that he go eat in the kitchen by himself, but Gloria felt
that we should give him time to adapt. How long does it take for an
intelligent eleven-year-old to learn to eat with his mouth closed? I
began to believe that he was doing it on purpose because of me forcing
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Gloria to sever the apron strings. She was also diverting a lot of her
love and affection to me, so Ken was getting less which no doubt riled
him as much as his table manners riled me. The game was clearly on
but on a totally different level. This was my only area of discomfort;
for the rest everything was absolutely perfect and I was the happiest I
had ever been in a relationship.
In February, I managed to book tickets to see my favourite band,
the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who were to perform live in Milan. The
concert was only in June but the tickets went on sale on the internet
months before. I always said I would travel anywhere in the world to
see them perform. It had been a dream of mine for about a decade; I’d
often tried to book but the tickets were always sold out within minutes
of opening. After much perseverance on a totally Italian website, I
managed to book two tickets. I had no idea where in the San Siro
stadium I had booked but the important thing was I was going to see
them. Gloria was ecstatic because, besides the fact that she loved the
Peppers, she had never travelled overseas. So I booked a two-week trip
that would take us to Venice, Milan, Genoa, Florence and Rome.
My interest in numerology and astrology was growing. I’d wanted
to have my astrological chart done once since I’d learned what had
been said and predicted on Gloria’s chart, which had been done many
years before. I asked her to give me the number of the person who
had done her chart. She said that he’d long since retired but she would
find someone for me. She managed to get the number of a chap called
Laurence who’d studied under the professor who’d done her chart. I
remember phoning him from my car phone one evening during the
second week of January 2004. I remember exactly where I was on the
road when I spoke to him. He asked me for the spelling of my full
name, my date of birth, time of birth, where I was born and my parents’
date of births. That was all. I asked him when I could expect the chart,
assuming it would be sometime the following week, but to my dismay
he said the end of February. You have got to be kidding me! Clearly
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he didn’t understand that my chart was urgent. He politely told me I
was in the queue and it would be done by the end of February. I have
always hated queues, but here I was in a six-week queue.
On the morning of Thursday, 26 February 2004, I phoned him once
again from my car as I was arriving at work. I thought he might need a
reminder that the end of February was nigh. He was pleased I’d called
as he was busy with my chart at that moment, and was finding it very
interesting. “Try living my life,” I thought, somewhat cynically, at the
time. Because I was sceptical about this stuff, I’d decided that I would
only give monosyllabic answers to any questions he had. He made
some comments which made the hair on my arms and neck stand up.
He said: “You are either in the electronics industry or the IT industry,
probably IT.”
My response was a carefully measured and thought out: “Ahaa.”
“You are unlucky in love. You have been married once, probably
twice.”
My response was a carefully measured and thought out: “Ahaa.”
“One of your wives was extremely critical of you.”
I didn’t respond but was thinking: “Does he know Annie?”
“You have an issue with your father, a long-standing issue.”
My response was: “No, he has passed away but I don’t believe
that I ever had an issue with him.”
“The issue is with the authoritarian figure in your family, Which
parent was that?”
My response was, “My mother,” as suddenly I realized what he was
referring to but I didn’t say anything. It had to do with how my mother
continually ran my father down while he was alive as well as after his
passing. I felt that at times she completely emasculated him and I had
a major problem with that.
He said that he should be finished with my chart in the next couple
of days and would call me when it was ready. He phoned me early the
next week, and said I could meet with him on the Friday, which was
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5 March. Damn! I was now excited and intrigued about what else this
chart would reveal. We were due to spend the weekend with Mike at
his house in White River but this was more important, so I cancelled
with Mike.
On Friday, I met Laurence for the first time. He was a calm, relaxed
individual who had achieved career successes and had retired to pursue
his two passions: astrology, which he had been studying for some 25
years, and coaching of some of the most talented school athletes in the
province. We sat down and he handed me two C90 cassette tapes and
a chart full of hieroglyphics. He said he was going to explain things
to me in more detail as I had an aptitude for astrology and some day
I might choose to explore it further. Then he started. I made some
notes but within a couple of minutes, I was battling to comprehend
all this stuff about retrograde planets and T-squares and the like. He
explained the 12 houses that make up the astrological chart and the
differences between the Sun signs. I tried as best as I could to keep
up with and understand this new, very complicated world that I was
being exposed to. But I failed. I started to question a number of things,
to make sense of it all.
He spoke about the law of karma which he called “the lessons of
life”. He said it is cause and effect. We are the sum total of our past, so
if we have sown positive things in the past, we will reap the benefits
now and conversely, if we have sown negative things in the past, we
will suffer the consequences now. He spoke of the concept of cause
and effect, in other words, how we determine our fate based on the
situations we encounter and the choices we make.
One of the more difficult views to accept was the fact that, according
to him, there is no such thing as good or evil in the universe. It is like
saying there is no right or wrong, which for me, being a logical person,
was hard to accept. I eventually came to terms with this concept, which
I will describe in more detail later. In terms of our karma, he said that
we lived as many lives, or journeys, as was necessary to work out or
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deal with the karma that we created for ourselves.
He told me about the Akashic Records that we all have. In simple
terms this is our own personal log or ‘scoresheet’, which is used to
record all of our negative thoughts, words or actions. In other words,
every bad thing we think, say or do gets chalked up and is the basis for
recording the karmic debts that we have to settle at a later stage. Gives
a whole new meaning to the age-old phrase of God is watching you’,
doesn’t it?
Then he started talking about me, my life, my personality, my
strengths and weaknesses. I was so amazed about the accuarcy that
I forgot to make notes. He explained that I was an ‘old soul’, which
threw me, as this is exactly what Gloria had called me when we first
met. He mentioned:
• that my mother has a very strong influence on me and will
continue to do so, even past her grave. Scary thought that.
• that discipline is a vital thing in my life, which is so true.
• that when I need to ‘escape’ I either take refuge in materiality
e.g. work (which is what I did when I was married to Jenny) or
alternatively, I emotionally withdraw into a ‘rut’ (which is what
I did when I was married to Annie).
• that I was unlucky in love.
• that a major part of my journey was to deal with my past-life
repression of aspects such as ideas and thoughts, which could
have been on a mental level and/or spiritual level.
• that I am starting to look at things in a way that I never would
have and I was being drawn to the metaphysical.
• that there was going to be a major change in my life and my
work sometime in the next eight years, and I would be involved
in some form of humanitarian work.
I was anxious to get the answer to two specific questions: firstly,
whether Gloria was my life-time partner and secondly, whether
Gloria and I had a karmic connection. Although I hadn’t yet asked
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the questions, he answered the second one by asking me whom I
had met through work in early January as I had a karmic connection
with that person. This threw me a bit as I tried to remember business
contacts who fitted the bill. Eventually I asked how relevant was the
time line, if a few weeks either way made a difference. He explained
that in the context of universal time, a couple of weeks either way was
not significant, and there I had my answer. I had only truly met Gloria
on 12 December, a few weeks prior to his time estimate. I was ecstatic.
She was right! I then explained who Gloria was and that she’d also said
that we had a karmic connection.
I then asked him, that given the fact I had met Gloria and we had this
karmic connection, if she was my soulmate, my life-time partner. His
reply was, once again: “Remember I said you were unlucky in love?”
but I wasn’t happy with this so I asked him if I had met my true love in
Gloria.
He replied: “It is not my role to tell you that; you must live your life
and enjoy each and every day and each relationship that you are in.”
I left it at that. I was pleased I had established that Gloria and I had
a karmic connection. I was in the best relationship of my life, I was
happy.
He told me that the tapes contained a lot more detail and
explanations of the issues we had discussed, as well as the two-year
forward projection of what might happen in my life, depending on the
situations and the choices I made along the way. He said he generally
disliked doing these projections because it made people try and live
their lives according to what might happen, rather than actually living
their lives. For that very reason, he didn’t bother with such projections
for himself—life was there to be lived, on a day-to-day basis.
I left him with my mind in a spin—so many thoughts, realities and
concerns were swirling about my head. I felt enlightened, insignificant
in this amazing universe. I was amazed that the little detail I had given
him telephonically back in January, could reveal so much. God and the
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universe, or God the universe, whichever way you want to look at it,
was far too structured, planned and preordained to be discounted or
ignored. I was looking forward to getting home and listening to the
tapes.
When I got home I told Gloria what had been said. She had lots
of questions, mostly from the advanced students’ domain which I
couldn’t answer, so I gave her my hieroglyphically drawn chart and
told her to listen to the tapes with me in my study.
“No, I can’t do that. They are personal,” she said.
“Of course you can! I have nothing to hide or be concerned about
and besides, I’d appreciate your help in understanding what is being
said, as most of it goes over my head.”
And so we started listening to Laurence speaking about my chart.
There are too many points or aspects to mention, but some of the
more important life, or spiritual comments were:
• we need to come to terms with who we are.
• that as situations in our lives change, we need to alter our
opinions and our beliefs to deal with them.
• how we perceive and accept the reasons for undergoing these
situations and experiences is critical. If we are able to learn from
them then we grow as souls.
At one stage, I noticed that Gloria had started to cry. I asked her
what it was that had upset her, but she just shook her head. Clearly I
had missed it on the tape so I rewound it and listened again:
“The 12th house south node has completed a karmic path, the details
of which are to remain forever sealed in past times even though the
subtle Akashic essence still remains. Lifetimes of escaping from inner
torment have been completed. You must come to realize that most of
your inner negativity is not related to the current life but only exists
through your continuing to think along a track which has already
ended.”
I did not understand what this all meant, but Gloria interpreted it
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as this lifetime, maybe my last journey. Whether it is or isn’t, is not
important to me. What upset her was the fact that, because we had a
karmic connection in a previous life and a karmic relationship in this
life, she was hoping we would also have it in a future life. If this was
potentially my last journey then this would not be the case.
When we got to the section of the tape that dealt with the two-year
forward projection, I got even more confused because of the way in
which he read the chart. He would be speaking of February 2006 then
jump to November 2004 and then to October 2005. So I soon lost
interest in it and decided to listen again at another time and to write
the detail down, so I could sort it in a chronological sequence in order
for it to make sense A few days later I attempted to do this, but I only
got halfway through it and I became bored again, so I stopped. I never
did get to finish writing the details of the two-year forward projection,
I am not sure why.
What was interesting was how similar Gloria’s numerology was to
Laurence’s astrology. Clearly there is more to this world than what
we indoctrinated Christians are allowed or encouraged to believe.
Lessons learned:
92. Practices such as astrology and numerology are very complex and amazingly
accurate. To me, this proved there is something else out there, so ingenious
and clever and logical, to which I could relate.
93. As with everything in life, whatever you see, hear or read must resonate with
your gut, your soul, for you to accept it. If it doesn’t, reject it, but you must
have an open mind/soul in the first place. Because someone predicts or says
something about you, does not mean it to be true; it is merely that person’s
interpretation of the information at hand.
94. Just as there are some dubious pastors out there, there are a lot of
charlatans too, espousing different spiritual practices such as astrology and
numerology, so make sure that you do your homework to identify the best
possible person to see, if you choose this route.
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This new spiritual world and outlook began to make sense to me.
I could join almost all the dots, based on logic and reasoning. All
the arguments that I had used against these concepts and views, had
logical answers, so I could easily accept them. There were, however,
two very serious and fundamental questions to which I had no answer.
They were the final pieces of the jigsaw puzzle: 1) If I was an ‘old soul’,
why was it that I didn’t have the spiritual knowledge of someone like
Gloria who considered herself to be a ‘mature soul’? and 2) If this
was potentially my last journey, what about the negative karma that
I had created in this journey—the hurt I had caused Jenny, Annie,
Zelda and Debbie? After all, I had walked out on all of them, breaking
their hearts in the process. Did this mean that the second half of my
journey was going to be a period of pay-back, to settle the scores in the
Akashic Records?
I kept trying to figure it out; I discussed this with Gloria many times
and neither of us had the answers. My big mistake was not taking the
trouble to actually ask God for the answers.
Sometime during March, I started thinking about Debbie, a lot. It
was strange but she was constantly on my mind; why I did not know.
Towards the end of March I received an unexpected email from her; it
was a request to help a friend of her mother’s with a computer-related
problem. The email was short and professional. I decided to respond
and used the opportunity to try and get some form of closure with her.
The last time I had seen or heard from her was when she’d stormed
into my bedroom more than two months before. Despite the fact that I
had every right to be with someone else as we’d broken up, and despite
the fact that she had used devious means to get access to my house,
nobody deserves to see someone that they love in bed with another
person. Yes, I was angry that she did what she did, but I still hoped
we could mend bridges and be friends. She was a good person and I
would always be prepared to help her if she needed it. What was also
true is that I did still love her. I also loved Gloria. Were they different
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types of love? Was that possible or was I just confused?
So good was my relationship with Gloria that I was able to talk to
her about it. She was amazing; no doubt she might have felt a little
threatened but she was able to address the issue in a mature way. We
discussed this issue one evening and Gloria suggested that I should
go and see Debbie, right then, that evening. I said no, but decided
that perhaps I should meet Debbie again, to see how I felt. What was
nagging me, in my gut not my head, was that there was unfinished
business with Debbie that had to be attended to, but I didn’t know
what. I arranged to meet her a few days later. It was nice to be able to
speak freely and apologize for the hurt we’d caused each other. She
asked me what it was all about so I told her what my gut feeling was,
and that I was in a very confused space. I explained that I had prayed
to God for guidance, and to give me clarity on what I was supposed to
do in the next two weeks. She said she still loved me but I was being
extremely selfish by leading her on, that maybe in two weeks time I’d
say to her that we should get back together, or maybe not. How could I
get her hopes up and then hurt her again? I apologized for putting her
through this but I needed to know where she stood. She was right: it
was selfish but I had such a strong belief that God would give me the
answer in the time frame that I had asked, but I had to wait on Him.
In the meantime, life went on as I struggled with my dilemma.
A couple of days later on a Friday afternoon, I received a call from
Debbie saying that she was no longer prepared to wait for my answer;
I had to tell her now. I explained that I couldn’t as I had not received
my answer from God as it was only a week since I’d asked Him. She
said she’d take that as a no and would move on with her life, that I was
not to contact her again. With that she ended the call. Was this the sign
from God? I guess I had to assume it was.
Things were fine back home until the following Friday evening, 16
April 2004. At the dinner table, Ken was fine-tuning his table manners
and I told him quietly to stop eating like a pig. James then teased him
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about his gardening and Brett also joined in, but it wasn’t anything
more than a joke. Next thing, Ken burst into tears and Gloria lost it.
She did something she had never done before; she started shouting at
me for constantly picking on Ken about his table manners and the fact
that the rest of the kids were always teasing him.
I did not react too well to this sudden outburst and responded: “I am
now sick and tired after almost four months of having to tell Ken on a
daily basis, how to eat properly. How long must I be patient for? And
besides, it was just a joke; he shouldn’t be such a baby as he’s always
teasing the other kids at the table, so if he wants to dish it out he must
also take it.”
Even James sprang to my defence telling his mother that it was not
fair that she should be shouting at me about this, as Ken should have
learned a long time ago. Gloria stormed off. I was seething. I got up and
left the table and went outside to cool off. With hindsight, it is easy to
see that this was the result of tension building up between Gloria and
me because of the uncertainty of our relationship. She shut herself off
from me and I reciprocated, so much so that I even ended up sleeping
downstairs on the couch that night. There was a wall between us; it
was our first argument.
The next morning I decided to go to the shops, anything to get out
of the house. As I got out of the driveway I decided to call Laurence
from my car phone. Up until now I had never asked anyone for advice;
I had never felt the need to, but today I did. The last time I had spoken
to him was when I went to see him six weeks before. He remembered
me, but got my chart out in front of him to refresh his memory. He
asked how work was and how my love life was. I explained that I was
having a little difficulty with Ken so he asked his date of birth. He
said that this youngster was in my life to test me; he told me that he’d
been engaged to a woman in a similar scenario, but sadly he’d had to
end the relationship as a result. I remember I was driving through the
parking lot of the Lonehill shopping centre when he said: “Your ideal
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partner is a leo. She is much younger than you, she is attractive with a
great figure and behaves like a princess.”
I almost crashed my car. Laurence didn’t know anything about
Debbie; in fact he didn’t even know she existed. Nor did he know
the dilemma I had been through over the past two weeks. She was a
Leo, she was 27, she was attractive and she had a great figure. I didn’t
mention this to Laurence though. We continued to chat and by now
I’d arrived home and had parked my car in the garage. I noticed that
Gloria’s car wasn’t there so she had obviously gone out. I told him that
I had a very important decision to make and I had prayed to God for
guidance. He then told me one of the most important things I have
ever heard in my life. He said that whatever decision I made, I must
trust my gut, not my head. He said your gut is your soul, your spirit
which talks to you and no matter what, you must always listen to it.
I finally ended the conversation and I prayed. I said that in my gut
I felt I should go back to Debbie, that there was unfinished business.
My head was telling me I was crazy, how I would hurt Gloria and the
kids, how they would have to move out, that they did not have the
money to do so. Besides the argument the previous night, this was
the best relationship I had ever had. Was I crazy? Didn’t I remember
all the drama I’d had with Debbie? It had been an extremely difficult
relationship and did I want to be saddled with two difficult small boys
to bring up?
Today was the last day of the two weeks, the time I had asked God
to give me clarity. But had I not received the asnwer when Debbie told
me not to contact her? I said to God that I would send Debbie an SMS
and if she responded positively, then I would take it as the sign that
my gut feel was correct. If not, then I was meant to stay with Gloria. I
took a deep breath and started to type the SMS to Debbie. I had typed
about three or four characters when my phone suddenly beeped with
an incoming SMS. It was from Debbie and she asked me if I had made
a decision. In that instant the decision was made. I had gooseflesh
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all over; I once again realized how powerful God was. So I phoned
her and arranged to meet her at 13h00 at a coffee shop in Lonehill. I
phoned Gloria who told me she was at her parents’ house, and that she
was planning to stay there that night. I didn’t tell her that I had made
a decision, as I had to do that face to face. In my heart I knew that she
knew it was over; she was always so perceptive.
Lessons learned:
95. When confronted with difficult situations that you are struggling to
understand, do not be afraid to ask God for guidance. Do not ask God to
solve the problem for you as He will not. But He will give you a better
understanding in order for you to make your decision.
96. The most important lesson in life is to learn to implicitly trust your gut feel,
your instinct, when faced with important decisions or situations. All too often
we allow our heads to rationalize which overrules our gut feel. Our gut feel
is our inner soul communicating with us.
97. If you have made a decision based on your gut feel, and upon reflection or
with the benefit of hindsight, you feel it did not work out in the best possible
way, just remember that it was the right decision. In other words ‘even the
wrong decision was the right decision’ providing it was based on gut feel.
The reason why it was the right decision was because it put you in a situation
to experience and learn from something that was meant to be in order for
you to grow.
I met with Debbie and discussed the implications of the decision that
I had made. It wasn’t going to be easy as I would have to find a place
for Gloria to live and I would have to support her financially. This was
the least I could do as these were the consequences of my decision and
I had to face them. I was also not prepared to do anything to make
things unpleasant, as Gloria was a wonderful person who had been
the catalyst to my spiritual awakening. Besides, I was now aware of the
concept of karma and I didn’t want to create any more for myself. As
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far as I was concerned, I had created too much already.
I spent the night at home alone; I couldn’t sleep at all. I was confused;
so much had happened in such a short space of time. I had finally
experienced a strong, balanced relationship and I knew that the
decision I made, the decision that I believe I had to make, was going
to complicate my life further. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy ride,
but I knew I had to give it my best shot. I was sad, yet excited. For
once I felt I had a purpose. I accepted I was sacrificing something that
I had always wanted, something I felt I had always deserved—a good
relationship with my partner. Sometimes the universe is confusing but
I believed that I was doing what I had to do.
On the Sunday, I decided to take Debbie and her boys out for lunch
in the countryside. The boys were pleased that I was back; they had
missed me. We drove out to Hartebeespoort Dam and had lunch at
a nice restaurant. It was back to playing ‘daddy’ to two young boys,
making sure they behaved. Later I dropped them off and went home.
Gloria was there and the reception was okay. She is such a strong
woman but mostly doesn’t realize it. I spoke to her and told her what
she knew already. I told her that I would help her financially and we
would find suitable accommodation for her and the boys. It wasn’t
easy; it hurt me that I had to do this. My head kept throwing thoughts
at me, questioning what I was doing and why. My head was being
logical, rational but my gut was pushing me in another direction. It
was impossible for us to share the same bed, yet I wasn’t prepared
to sleep on the couch again. I felt we both needed space so I decided
to go and stay at a City Lodge, only a few kilometres away. I left and
phoned Debbie and told her of my plans. She decided she wanted to
join me and she did. We spent the night together but I could not sleep.
The constant conflict of head-versus-gut was raging in my mind, in
my body. I wished I was a Mormon, then I could have had both of
them, shared with them, nurtured them. I knew I’d already made a
significant impact on Gloria’s life, just as she had on mine. She told
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me that I’d taught her about generosity, a total unselfish love where
she had experienced a partner who gave but did not seek anything
in return. Is that unconditional love? I don’t know. But the truth is I
received from her as well: I received from her a gift which was beyond
measure, I received my spiritual awakening.
I left the City Lodge at about 05h45 and called Gloria to let her
know I would be back in a few minutes. She sounded upbeat, she
said everything was okay and the way it was meant to be. She would
explain why when I got there. When I got home she was in our
bathroom getting ready to take the kids to school. She hugged me and
said that our time together was over and that was how it was meant
to be. She had been praying and meditating all night and God had
given her the answers she had been seeking. What she then told me
was a big surprise: she said that before she even met me she knew that
our relationship was only meant to last about six months. I couldn’t
believe it; she had known this all along and never shared it with me.
With the benefit of hindsight, I guess she was right not to have told
me. What concerned her was that we had been together for just over
four months so she was unsure if this was the time to part. During her
meditation and prayers she had asked God why this was happening to
her, the same two questions that had been puzzling me, the same two
questions I hadn’t bothered to ask God myself: 1) If I was meant to be
an ‘old soul’ why was it that I did not have the spiritual knowledge of
someone like Gloria who a ‘mature soul’? and 2) If this was potentially
my last journey, what about the negative karma that I had created in
this journey—the hurt I caused Jenny, Annie, Zelda, Debbie and now
Gloria? After all, I had walked out on all of them, breaking their hearts
in the process. Did this mean that the second half of the journey was
going to be a period of pay-back, to settle the scores in the Akashic
Records?
I was sitting down while she was talking and probably just as well.
She told me that God had told her that she and the other four women
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I had been involved with were all meant to learn the lesson of rejection
for which I was the catalyst. She went on to explain that all five of
them had suffered from rejection in the past, and in most cases there
were two children involved. At first it did not make sense, but slowly
I managed to put the pieces together.
Jenny was one of four children: an older sister, an older brother and a
younger brother. The older sister Peta was an attractive achiever whom
her mother adored. Peta was an air hostess who travelled the world,
Jenny was an under-achiever at school, in fact she left after standard 7
(grade 9). All the praise and attention from her mother was showered
on Peta; Jenny got none. I began to have memory flashes of instances
where I had witnessed this. Peta had confidence, Jenny had absolutely
none. Jenny had experienced rejection from her mother.
Annie was a totally unplanned child; she was the fourth daughter
but born almost 20 years after the first daughter, and at least ten years
after the third. At the time of her birth her parents had been pursuing a
career in renovating older hotels in the country areas of Natal. Having
a small daughter was not part of the plan and from what I can recall,
she was brought up more by their domestic worker than anyone else.
As soon as possible she was sent off as a full-time boarder to an elite
girls’ school in Pietermaritzburg. She only came home during school
holidays. Annie’s father died when she was about fourteen. Annie
had experienced rejection from both parents and perhaps to a greater
extent from her father.
Zelda came from a close Afrikaans family. She was the eldest child
and had a younger sister and two younger brothers. Her father ruled
with an iron fist. Nobody spoke unless spoken to and if the father
said something then everyone, including her mother, jumped. All
the kids were driven to perform better than their best. As a result,
they were all well educated and achieved significant success in their
careers. At school, whether in academics or sport, there was no such
thing as coming second. That wasn’t good enough. Yet despite their
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achievements, their father rarely complimented them or praised them.
They all loved their father dearly and he loved them but could never
show it. I remember many instances when Zelda would try for some
love and attention from him and he would push her away, as if being
smothered. Zelda had to be constantly told how good she was, how
great her hair looked, how pretty she was, how clever she was. In fact,
she often used to say to me, “You have to boost me.” She’d experienced
continuous rejection from her father, who although intensely proud
of her, was unable to express it. In her mind she just wasn’t good
enough.
Debbie was also an unplanned pregnancy when her very young
mother was living in Zimbabwe. In fact, her mother, Pat, and her father
never married because her father was murdered a short while after she
was born, as a terrible byproduct of the Rhodesian-Zimbabwean war.
Pat eventually did marry but Debbie’s stepfather didn’t care too much
for her. He constantly punished her which included severe hidings.
When her mother had a son by him, Debbie was further rejected as
her little brother got all the attention. Debbie became very rebellious
and from an early age was sneaking out and partying late, in defiance
to her mother and stepfather. She felt rejected because she never had a
father and her stepfather never liked her or accepted her. She felt that
her mother never really stuck up for her and she was all but ignored
once her half-brother was born.
Gloria was the eldest of two daughters, but there is a big age gap
of some ten years between them. Although the family is very close,
her father was not affectionate towards them and when her sister was
born, she received all his attention. Her younger sister is extremely
intelligent and achieved distinction in everything she did. Nothing
Gloria ever did was good enough. In matric (grade 12) Gloria fell
pregnant the first time she had sex. Although she did marry Brad, a
few years her senior, it was a nightmare of a marriage. He treated her
poorly, was continually unfaithful to her, was extremely critical of her
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and managed to totally destroy what little self-esteem she had. After
20 years of pain and suffering she eventually managed to pluck up the
courage to leave him. The rejection she felt and experienced from her
father had continued through Brad.
The key to understanding all this is that whatever we have to suffer
as individuals, or lessons we need to learn, we have to be careful that
we don’t perpetuate the same suffering through our children. We have
to break the chain so once we have learned our lessons, whatever they
might be, we must ensure that our children do not have to experience
the same.
Now although it all began to make sense and I could see the common
thread between these women, it hadn’t answered my question of the
negative karma I had created through the hurt and pain that I had
caused each of them. But Gloria hadn’t finished telling me the message
she’d received. She said that it was now over and there would be no
further women in my life needing to deal with rejection. She went on
to say that as this was my last journey, I had apparently ‘volunteered’
to undertake the journey in order to be the catalyst for their lessons
of rejection and as such there was no karma attached. This clearly
answered my second question.
I asked her again about the fact that, as a supposedly old soul’, why
my spiritual knowledge and awareness was so limited. She said that
it was meant to be that way—if I’d had the spiritual knowledge and
awareness of karma and life lessons, I would never have been able to
complete that part of my journey, I wouldn’t have been able to hurt,
cheat on and generally be the person I had been. That is so true as my
attitudes had changed so dramatically that I would never willingly, or
knowingly, do such things again. I am acutely aware of any possible
negative karma that I might create so I try to avoid it at all costs. That
doesn’t mean I am always successful in achieving this ‘perfection’ as
I still make stupid mistakes and say the occasional hurtful thing, but
fortunately these incidents are now becoming rarer.
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Finally I had the answers to the two questions which were preventing
me from understanding my journey. My understanding was now
complete—it all made perfect sense: my life, my relationships, my
journey. I know the answers came from God as Gloria knew little
about my previous relationships, other than with Debbie which she
had been exposed to in a small way. She didn’t know anything about
the lives and the backgrounds of Jenny, Annie and Zelda. After a late
awakening, I finally realized my journey of spiritual discovery.
I was relieved, I was excited, I was happy, I was sad. Gloria said she
was now able to let go as our time together was over. Because she
now also understood why we’d been together, she could accept that we
would part. I was in her life to allow her to learn the lesson of rejection
and she was in my life to awaken my spiritual being and awareness.
She said we would continue to be connected in this lifetime as we
were spiritual partners. Over time this has been proved to be correct.
I suddenly remembered that I had written something down from
the extracts of the astrological tape that Laurence had made for me.
It had something to do with a particular time when I might meet my
spiritual teacher. I thought perhaps this was the role that Gloria was
fulfilling. I rushed down to my study and took out my notes. What
I read sent absolute shivers down my spine, covering my whole body
in gooseflesh. In the two-year projection, Laurence always talked
about the month and the year, for example, June 2005 or March
2006, however, the only month that had a specific date in it was April
2004—when he referred to 23 April 2004.
What he said was: “... at this time you will reach a new understanding of
your own being and the world around you. In recent years you have probably
been through periods of great doubt, uncertainty and confusion.
Although those periods were painful they have contributed to your
new view of the world. Now is the time to deepen and take advantage of your
new understanding ...
“... your ideals are not in conflict with the realities in your life at this time;
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they are in creative balance with the ideal giving form and the real giving life.
Your approach is one of calm, sober reflection. This is not a transit
of lightness and gaiety; instead it produces an almost monastic
consciousness that contemplates the world with detachment. You have
learned much in the last several years and now you will be able to put
into practice what you have learned. All Saturn’s transits last for plus-
minus eight to ten days.”
*****
That morning, the morning of my spiritual awakening, was 19 April
2004. In the context of the transit period of plus-minus eight to ten
days which, as I understood it, could be a few days either side of the 23
April 2004 that he’d mentioned. This was mind-blowing for me, almost
surreal. Laurence had recorded this more than two months before. I
had written it down almost six weeks ago and it meant nothing to me
at the time—to be honest, I barely remembered it. I’d been reading the
notes, looking for something else when it hit me between my eyes. I
sat there with tears running down my cheeks, trying to comprehend
my amazement of God and His universe.
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Now that I finally understood what my life was about, it made sense
to me why I had to be in Debbie’s life again. But this time it was
different, as I now knew what challenges Debbie was facing and how I
could play a role to try and help her. I had decided I would do whatever
I could so I would have to be more tolerant, more flexible and more
understanding. I was totally committed to making a success of my
role. But before that could really start, I had a lot of loose ends to tie
up at home.
There were significant implications resulting from my gut decision
to be part of Debbie’s life again. Gloria and her two boys were living
in my house, she had no financial resources and her work was not
financially rewarding and worse, Brad, her ex-husband, was not
paying his maintenance obligations. Doing what I felt I had to do
pained me as it really had a huge impact on Gloria. I felt that as I had
made my choice I had to live with the consequences. I decided to give
Gloria enough money to rent an apartment, as well as a little extra, for
a period of six months. A few months earlier, I had opened a savings
account for her, so I transferred a fixed amount into her account for
the next six months. I also arranged and paid for a furniture-removal
service to help them move.
One of the first things I did with Debbie was to sit down and explain
what I had now learned and understood. I insisted that her mother was
present, as I did not want anyone to misunderstand or misinterpret
what I said. At times Debbie was prone to overreacting and becoming
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emotional with the result that she did not always understand things.
Pat was more level-headed and mature, and more able to communicate
with Debbie than anyone else. I explained to her what had happened
in the bathroom with Gloria that Monday morning, how I had learned
about my life and what my role had been in all their lives. I told her that
she’d had to learn the lesson of rejection and she had a very important
choice to make: whether she wanted to learn that lesson with me in
her life or with someone else. Either way, she had to learn the lesson to
progress. If she failed to learn it this time round then she would have
to repeat the lesson, and the consequences would be worse each time
until the lesson was finally learned. The benefit of trying with me was
that I now understood her challenge and her behaviour, unlike before.
I also understood the importance of karma and I had no intention of
creating any negative karma for myself. I said I would assist her in
every way I could, but I insisted that she see a professional counsellor
to help her with her emotional issues.
One of the most important things that I said to her was: “I don’t
know whether I will be a part of your life for three months, three years
or forever but that is not important; what is important is that you deal
with the issues and learn the lessons that you have to. It may even turn
out that once you’ve done this successfully, you might not want or
need me in your life, and you choose to move on without me.”
Debbie made her choice: she decided to continue on her journey
with me.
I also explained that I was going to help Gloria financially and that
I would like her to remain a part of my life as she was my spiritual
partner. In my mind it was never a case of Gloria and I being together
any other way. She had taught me so much and I knew we could have
a purely spiritual relationship. Debbie was not prepared to accept this;
she was too jealous and too insecure at the time.
I really loved Debbie and wanted to be with her, but for me, I was
not concerned about living happily ever after. Of course, I wanted to
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be happy like anyone else, but something had changed in me after my
awakening and I was more concerned about trying to help Debbie than
my own emotions and life. In a way I was excited because I finally felt
a real purpose to my life, which was to help other people. What I’d
also learned from Laurence’s tapes, as well as from our discussions,
was that there were two parts to my journey. He had said that the
next part was going to take place within a period of about eight years
from the time I saw him, and that it was going to be something of a
humanitarian nature. He wasn’t sure what exactly it was going to be,
but it was to “help greater mankind”. Perhaps being back with Debbie
with my new purpose was the start of it?
Fortunately Gloria managed to find a place fairly quickly. A close
friend of hers had rented an apartment which she’d furnished while
she’d been experiencing marriage difficulties. She and her husband
managed to resolve their problems at this very time but she still had
six months left on the lease. The timing was perfect—isn’t it always
when God is in charge and we accept this? Gloria was happy with
the apartment and they settled in quickly. I went to visit her once or
twice but Debbie got very upset about it. I was not going to lie, not
even a white lie, as this karma stuff had really scared me, so I told her
the truth. She asked me not to see her or speak to her again which
didn’t go down well with me, but I was committed to helping Debbie
so I agreed, but only after I was given an opportunity to explain it to
Gloria. I spoke to Gloria about it and as always she understood and
accepted that our contact was over.
Life with Debbie again did not start off smoothly; it was never going
to be plain sailing. I knew this before I went back so I was not surprised.
She was still struggling to deal with her hurt, or as she liked to put it:
“when I caught you in bed with another woman”. She really made it
seem that I had cheated on her and as much as I tried to explain that I
had been entitled to see someone else as she had broken up with me,
she never saw it that way. In fact, she had also dated other men and had
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slept with at least one of them, if not more, while I was with Gloria.
But that was okay; we had broken up. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?
There was another pressing issue that had to be sorted out immediately
and that was my trip to Italy to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers. When
I made the bookings in February I was still with Gloria and so the air
tickets had been booked in her name. I had told Debbie about the trip
and she was excited about going. She had also learned to enjoy their
music during our previous relationship; in fact Debbie bought me my
first music DVD, a live Red Hot Chili Peppers performance. She had
never travelled overseas before so that was exciting for her as well.
She did not have a passport so had to apply for an urgent temporary
passport. I managed to get all the flight bookings and reservations
changed in time and we were all set to go.
Things were going reasonably well between us or so it seemed.
We were not fighting or arguing as much, but all that was happening
was she was behaving as she always had, however, I was not being
confrontational. I would let her do or say what she wanted and I
behaved in a tolerant and understanding manner. In her mind things
were fine but in mine I was wondering whether she was learning
anything from her behaviour, and how much longer I could cope with
my own approach. She was trying though; I could see it and that was
important to me. As long as she was trying then I would stay positive
and committed. I never undertook my new relationship with Debbie
as a task or a duty, not consciously anyway. I did love her and I wanted
to help her. If I hadn’t loved her so deeply then I don’t know how how
long I could have carried on.
The two things that were very important to her, which had resulted
in her ending the relationship, still had to be dealt with: living together
and marriage. She was still insecure about me, my commitment to
her, my love for her, how I could have loved Gloria and then be back
with her just a few months later. She has never been able to understand
that Gloria was an incredibly important part of my life, of my spiritual
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awakening, and that it was God’s plan that we had met, loved each
other and learned from each other. If that hadn’t happened I don’t
believe I would ever have been able to understand Debbie and the
challenges of her journey. I doubt I would have wanted to try again
even though I loved her. I would never have been able to understand
her sudden, irrational behaviour.
As far as living together was concerned, it was only a short few
months before that I’d had issues with my space, my home. Then
Gloria was suddenly in my life and I was forced to change my selfish
ways. I had taken Gloria and her boys in because of circumstances,
because she was facing eviction. It was perhaps God’s way of preparing
me for what I knew I had to do—to ask Debbie to move in. Brett
and Shayna weren’t too excited about having her two boys, but they
accepted what I believed my journey to be and what I needed to do. I
made the decision to ask her to move in when we got back from Italy,
towards the end of June.
I also felt that if I was truly committed to helping her, given that I
did love her, then I must remove my self-imposed obstacle of marriage.
Having been married twice already, it was not important for me to be
married. I had no problem being in a long-term, committed, happy
relationship—I would have loved that—but Debbie had never been
married and she had these fairytale views of what it should be like. To
me, it was the only way I could really prove to her that I was committed
for the long-term, that it would give her that sense of security she
needed. I spoke to her mom about getting engaged when we were in
Italy and Pat was excited about the idea. I asked her if there was any
particular design for an engagement ring that Debbie might like and
there was. Pat managed to get me a picture of a ring that Debbie had
once shown her, and so I went and bought a beautiful, large diamond
which I took to a jeweller with the design. It was quite a rush as we
only had a few days before we left for Italy.
The next challenge was how to conceal the ring as we flew out of
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Johannesburg International airport. It was too risky leaving it in the
luggage so I had no choice but to keep it on me. I was concerned
that the metal detectors might pick it up and I’d be forced to show it,
which would lose the surprise for Debbie, but fortunately there were
no problems.
Our first stop was the romantic city of Venice, so I made the decision
to propose to her there. We checked into our hotel and I managed to
arrange a gondola trip at sunset. The brochure showed a couple in the
gondola, so I had assumed that is what we were in for and paid for two
tickets. As we queued it dawned on me that there were at least four
couples to a gondola. There was no way I was going to propose in front
of, and almost on top of, three other couples, so I went to the manager
and started negotiating a solution. For him it was simple—pay for the
other six tickets and I could have the gondola to myself. What choice did
I have? I bought the other tickets. So off we went on our sunset gondola
trip; the weather was perfect, the waters were calm, the setting couldn’t
have been better. At an appropriate time I bent down on one knee and
asked Debbie to marry me. She hadn’t been expecting this at all and was
stunned, so much so that it took her a while to comprehend and accept.
She was elated with the ring; it was perfect. After the gondola trip we
went for a romantic dinner at one of the many superb restaurants on the
canals. She was truly happy and so was I. But unbeknown to the both of
us the fun was about to begin.
The next day we were having a lovely lunch in a cosy restaurant
when, after a couple of glasses of wine, she became very upset and
stormed off to the bathroom. I had absolutely no idea what had started
this; nothing had been said and we were having a great time. I sat there
quite embarrassed as lots of people had noticed her little departure.
When she eventually returned, she threw her engagement ring on the
table, shouted at me saying that she did not want to marry me and
stormed out. We hadn’t been engaged for more than 16 hours and I’d
had the ring thrown back at me. Besides being extremely embarrassed
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I was confused. I had no idea what had caused this reaction. I called
for the bill and as I waited I played back what had happened, trying
desperately to remember if there was anything that had been said or
done to prompt this. There was nothing. I paid the bill and left. I had
no idea where she had gone but assumed it was back to the hotel, that’s
if she knew how to navigate the windy, narrow cobbleways. I took a
slow walk back and found her in the room crying. I was confused,
irritated and angry, but I managed to suppress my feelings and took
her in my arms and held her without saying a word. After a short
while, I asked her what was wrong. She explained that while she was
sitting there in the restaurant, she remembered the time when she’d
burst into my bedroom to find me with Gloria, that she couldn’t
understand how I could have done that to her. So we were back to her
silly interpretation of me ‘cheating’ on her again. She said she’d always
wanted to live with me but I’d never bothered to ask her to, yet I’d been
quite happy to ask Gloria to move in after a couple of weeks. Now I’ve
proposed to her, and she knows that I am only doing this because I feel
so guilty. I couldn’t believe that she’d taken all these issues and come
to such a ridiculous conclusion. I decided not to rationalize or explain
to her that there was no logic to what she was saying. I told her that
I loved her, wanted to be with her, wanted to marry her and while I
was doing this I put her ring back on her finger. All was fine again, for
a short while that is. The next day I was once again the recipient of a
hurled engagement ring for the ridiculously obscure reason that I had
originally planned the trip with Gloria but now that she was no longer
in the picture I had been forced to take Debbie.
Such incidents happened a few more times throughout our holiday.
What had started out as a romantic holiday turned out to be a
rollercoaster ride—a day or two of fun, followed by a day or two of
hell. Sometimes she reacted after she’d had a drink or two, sometimes
she was absolutely sober.
I have been guilty of many things in my relationships. I am not an
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easy person to live with and I have a quick mind with a sharp tongue
to match. I am selfish, I do not suffer fools gladly, I am intolerant
of irrational and emotional behaviour, I have a jealous side, I am a
stickler for detail and I have an amazing memory of what happened
and what was said—verbatim—and I like things to be done my way.
Besides this I am actually easy to get along with. That was all before
my spiritual awakening. The new me did not behave like that; well,
not always. I have never tried so hard to overcome these little design
flaws I was born with as I did when with Debbie. I was so tolerant,
so understanding, so flexible, so gentle. In fact, I went to extremes,
which was not ideal.
All it proved to me at that time was that I was not the cause of Debbie’s
problems. It was her and her inner conflict. In a way it was a current-
life déjà vu experience as I had seen the same type of behaviour after
I’d got engaged to Zelda. In my mind the real issue wasn’t whether I
was committed to them or not. Perhaps at first they saw it like that,
but once I’d given them the commitment they wanted, they realized
it was something else but weren’t quite sure what it was. A simple
analogy can be found in a sales environment when you try and close
the deal and ask the customer for the order. Quite often, an objection
is raised by the customer, so you address the objection in a satisfactory
manner and attempt to close again, but yet another objection is raised.
The cycle repeats itself until such time that you eventually get to the
true objection, the real issue. In Debbie’s case, now that she was able
to have what she’d always wanted, she felt she was not deserving of
it, she felt she was not good enough. The core issue though was that
she did not like or love herself. To me, this explained her attempted
suicide when she was a teenager, and the self-mutilation scars on her
arms. When I could recognize and understand her dilemma, I tried
in my own way to tell her that until such time that she was able to
love herself, it would be difficult for her to be loved and feel loved by
someone else. What she needed was professional help and so I insisted
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that she start this when we got back home.
But still, the highlight of the trip for me was watching the Red
Hot Chili Peppers perform live. The San Siro stadium was packed to
capacity, with at least 66,000 people. We were standing on the field
about 50 metres from the stage. The energy that the band put into the
performance can only be adequately described as absolutely awesome,
something that I will never forget. But the Red Hot Chili Peppers
concert was the catalyst for yet another challenge in my life, one that
revolved around Stevan who was ten at the time, but I will go into this
later.
We returned home and Debbie moved in. Before we left, we had
redecorated our bedroom so we had new furniture, a new bed and
new curtains. The kitchen had been demolished and a new one built.
There were a number of other rooms that were redecorated as well, so
it felt like a new environment.
A short while after we’d been back Debbie started to investigate
possible venues for the wedding. I couldn’t understand how she could
be doing this as she was still ending our engagement every other day.
It was so bad that half the time I didn’t know if we were engaged
or not. For that very reason, I wasn’t supportive of her efforts. I felt
that we should first build a stable relationship before worrying about
setting a date to get married. Of course, this was then used against me
as she’d now decided that I didn’t want to get married. In a dispute
with a woman, or in my case, a very emotional woman, logic does
not always work so how do you defend against this? Once, when she
asked me why I’d got engaged to her, I said it was to show her that I
loved her, that I was committed to her for the long term, and to give
her the security of knowing that I was serious about it. The use of the
word ‘security’ in the middle of that sentence came back to haunt me
time and time again. She decided that I’d got engaged “only to give her
security”. Her view on this has never changed, despite hundreds of
attempts by me to make her understand that I did not say it that way.
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Debbie sought help and managed to find a psychiatrist by the name
of Dr Trevor Modlin, who specialized in medical hypno-analysis, to
deal with the subconscious mind—to us mere mortals it means he
uses hypnosis. He is well known in medical circles and has published
several books on the subject. She decided to see him and, as these
consultations were not covered by medical aid, I paid for them. After
her first consultation, at the beginning of July 2004, I asked her what
he had diagnosed or suggested and—surprise, surprise—he told her
that she needed to deal with rejection. She was comfortable with him
so she decided that she would see him every Saturday morning for an
hour. I was interested in the process and, as I am naturally curious, I
wanted to know what they had done and what they were achieving.
Debbie would never explain anything to me and got upset when I
asked. I backed off and tried to find out from her mother as Debbie
always confided in her. But I didn’t gather much there either. After a
couple of sessions, I was asked to attend a session with her, where he
tried to explain the process to me and typically how I should react
when Debbie lost it. He explained her ‘fight or flight’ behaviour. I
was expected not to confront her but to back off. That was all good
and well, but for how long do I have to back off? When exactly would
things begin to change and some improvements be seen? It would take
some time, was his response, probably up to 16 sessions. It made sense
to me to a degree but perhaps I was being impatient. If she knew what
she was doing when would she change? It was like watching a spoilt
child misbehaving and being tolerant of such behaviour, indefinitely.
That didn’t work for me but I was trying. These sessions were very
expensive and so I expected some results. Eventually, after about ten
sessions, I asked her to explain what she’d understood thus far into the
therapy. Her response was that she understood everything but couldn’t
explain it. I have a simple belief: if you can’t explain something then
you do not understand it. I told her it was all costing me a lot of money
and if she felt she wasn’t benefiting, then we should try something
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else. That was just the excuse she needed; she stopped seeing him
in October 2004, using the excuse that I’d said it was too expensive!
I don’t know how many times I tried to remind her exactly what I
said but she’d found a way out. My belief was that he was starting to
make progress and getting close to her real issues but that she was
uncomfortable with this and had chosen ‘flight’.
Earlier I mentioned that The Red Hot Chili Peppers concert was the
catalyst for a challenge I faced with Stevan. A few months before I had
managed to get the tickets, I’d made a comment to Stevan while we
were watching a live performance of the band on DVD. I said that one
day I would take him to one of their concerts. When I did eventually
get tickets I didn’t even consider taking him as it was during school
term. He seemed a little upset but not overly so.
When I phoned him from Italy he was offish and told me he was
upset that I had not taken him. I apologized and explained that the
concert was during school term but he was still upset. When we got
home he refused to speak to me on the phone and when he did answer
he’d put the phone down. This was totally unacceptable behaviour so I
spoke to Annie about it, but in her typical ‘stuff you’ attitude that she’d
honed into an art form, she said this was an issue between Stevan and
me and she didn’t want to get involved. This was equally unacceptable
behaviour from her, so I wrote her an email where I said that her
attitude was poor and there was no way that I would ever allow Stevan
or Jamie to behave like that towards her. In fact, if they did, I would
give them a hiding and force them to speak to her. I also reminded
her of the many, many occasions when she’d phoned me to ask me to
dispense telephonic discipline to the kids when they were misbehaving
or not listening to her. I’d always supported her—as parents have to
support each other—otherwise the kids learn to divide and conquer
very quickly. She sent an email reply saying she would try and speak
to Stevan but suggested that I come down and see him. I said I would,
but only once we were on speaking terms again, otherwise it would
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become a precedent that if he wanted me down there, he’d refuse to
speak to me and assume I’d come running. That would never work for
me, so until we resolved the issue by speaking to each other, I was not
going to go down and see him.
Eventually, after a week or two, I managed to speak to him as he
answered the phone one day. Before he could put the phone down,
I spoke to him in a very firm voice and told him he dare not put the
phone down until we had spoken properly. Perhaps it was the tone
of my voice or maybe he wanted to speak to me, but he listened. I
explained that his behaviour was not acceptable, because no matter
how upset he was with me, I was still his father and I loved him and
nobody deserves not to be heard. The conversation that followed
scared me, but it did not surprise me, because I knew this sort of stuff
had been happening for a very long time.
I asked him: “Stevie, why are you so upset with me?”
“Because you lied to us,” he replied
“What do you mean?”
“You left us, you abandoned us, you don’t love us.”
“No Stevie, I never abandoned you, and of course I love you and
Jamie. I love you both very much.”
“You did abandon us for someone else. Marriage is supposed to
last forever.”
“Who told you that?”
“My mother told me.”
I had never ever said a bad word about Annie to them. There were
many times that she had done things and deserved to be castigated,
but I didn’t. I never put the kids in the middle as it was unfair to them.
This time I had to say something.
“Stevan, did your mom not tell you that I was married to Brett and
Shayna’s mom when I met her, and your mom was happy I left Brett
and Shayna’s mom so that I could be with her? I am also glad I did that
because that’s why I have two beautiful boys in you and Jamie.”
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“I don’t care, I wish I had never been born,” was his reply.
“Stevie, don’t ever say that! I love you and Jamie and I only left
because I didn’t want to be with your mom anymore. I left because
we were fighting often and it is not nice for kids to grow up in a home
where the parents are always fighting. We both love you and Jamie but
we don’t love each other anymore.”
I was so upset after the conversation; I was tired of how Annie had
messed with Stevan’s mind so much. She is an intelligent woman but
sometimes a selfish and ignorant one. She knew what she was doing
every time she bad-mouthed me to the kids, which was often. She
knew the harm it was doing but it didn’t stop her.
I spoke to her the next day and we agreed she should take Stevan for
counselling because there was a lot of anger and hurt that he was still
trying to deal with. She eventually got him to see a female psychologist
who specialized with children and after a couple of sessions, I was
invited to meet with her. Sharon is a wonderful person, her only
interest being the child she is dealing with at the time. We had a long
chat and I told her that Stevan would also have to learn to deal with
rejection. She asked how I knew this so I told her my story. She is a
spiritual person and was comfortable with my views and experiences.
I also explained much about my time with Annie and the things she
had done that had affected Stevan since I’d left her. I also told her that
Annie was adamant that Stevan go to boarding school as Annie had
been to boarding school. But I didn’t agree and, being responsible for
the school fees, I refused to permit this unless I thought it in Stevan’s
best interests which I knew it was not. Sharon told me that Stevan
was crying out for a relationship with me, that she would do what was
necessary to make sure that it happened, and that I should let her deal
with Annie. I left there comforted; I knew she would be a great help
to Stevan.
A couple of weeks later, after Sharon had had a few sessions with
Stevan, she requested a meeting with Annie and me. It was a very
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interesting meeting and I kept quiet for as long as was necessary. I
watched how Sharon managed to get Annie to admit to all the negative
things she was doing in relation to Stevan. Annie said that she had
regularly said negative things about me and Sharon explained how
this made Stevan feel guilty for having fun when he was with me.
He felt he was betraying her by enjoying being with me. She also said
categorically that he felt rejected and the worst thing she could do was
to put Stevan into a boarding school. Over time Stevan became more
confident and happier now that he knew that he was allowed to enjoy
himself with me, and he didn’t have to feel guilty about betraying his
mother in doing so.
Lessons learned:
98. As a divorced parent be very careful what you say to your children about
your former spouse. It is how you choose to behave that will influence the
quality of the relationship between your children and you or your former
spouse.
99. Never make your children the go-between or put them in a situation that
creates divided loyalties.
100. Every child carries some guilt, hurt or anger as a result of a divorce, so
never assume that they are okay just because they seem to be behaving
in a normal way. Try and communicate with them so that they have the
opportunity to express their feelings and concerns. If necessary, call in the
help of a qualified professional to assist you and the children.
Time passed by fairly quickly and before we knew it the end of the
2004 year was upon us. In December, Stevan and Jamie came to stay
with me for a couple of days before I took Debbie and her boys down
to San Lameer on the south coast of KwaZulu-Natal for Christmas,
returned a couple of days before New Year. It had been an eventful year,
far more than any other I could remember. The last year, 2003, had
ended with Debbie breaking up with me, me meeting Gloria, Gloria
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moving in with me, my spiritual awakening, Gloria and I ending our
relationship, Gloria moving out, my getting back together with Debbie,
an overseas holiday, getting engaged to Debbie, Debbie moving in,
some house renovations, drama with Stevan, leaving DocQnet and
starting a new business. It had been a very challenging year.
In January 2005, Trevor started proper school and Debbie had
ambitions of studying so she signed up for a marketing diploma
through correspondence. At the time, I tried to make her aware of
the time and effort required to do this—in addition to holding down
her job and being a mother. She wasn’t happy in her job as she was
not being sufficiently stimulated. Her work was mundane and she
was not very happy working with her extremely moody boss. She left
home every day at about 06h30 to drop off Trevor at school and then
travelled to the East Rand to her job. I dropped Callum off at nursery
school each morning. The traffic frustrated her immensely; she got so
irritated and worked up both to and from work. It didn’t take much for
her to get worked up. She would leave work in a great mood but by the
time she had fetched the kids from school and got home, she would be
in a foul mood. I can’t say I blame her as I hate sitting in traffic. There
was a new dimension to her life now: Trevor’s homework. If she wasn’t
already in a bad mood then after five minutes of helping him with his
homework, she would be. She just didn’t have the patience for it and
she hated doing it. Often she’d end up shouting at him with Trevor in
tears. By the time she had finished supper and put the kids to bed, she
was too tired to contemplate studying and so it just never happened.
Our relationship wasn’t getting worse, or better, for that matter. We
still had lots of arguments, with her always ending the engagement and
the relationship and wanting to move out. I had to be so careful about
what and how I said things, which isn’t always that easy, especially
for me. In researching some of my archived material to write this
book, I read through about 1,200 emails we had written to each other
and, noting the dates, it was about every three days that we would be
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fighting like crazy, followed by a couple of days of loving/peace. It was
the simplest issue that set her off as Debbie took everything absolutely
personally, so it became impossible to communicate verbally with her.
In fact, most of the time I resorted to writing emails to her because
then she would at least get to ‘hear’ (read) what I had to say. Whenever
we tried to discuss things it would usually end up as a disaster. Debbie
felt I had a way of speaking to her which set her off. I was oblivious to
it; whether it was my tone of voice or whether it was the words I used,
I am not sure. In verbal discussions she would normally interrupt me,
walk out, slam the door, throw a few picture frames around or tear
up photos of herself or us together and sometimes get in her car and
drive away. Sometimes she would attack me physically by pinching,
punching or kicking me. She would lose total control and in those
moments she had no idea of what she was doing and how to stop
herself; it was like a whole new persona had taken control. What made
things very difficult for me was that Debbie was totally unperturbed
about screaming, shouting and arguing in front of her kids, my kids,
or anyone else who happened to be around at the time. For me, this
was an absolute no-no; I am a private person and believe domestic
squabbles should be addressed in private. My kids were old enough for
it not to worry them too much, but you could literally see the effect
on Trevor’s and Callum’s faces when this happened—it hurt them, it
confused them and it unsettled them.
At times, I wasn’t sure if I was helping or making things worse. I
guess it was a bit of both. It wasn’t that I was trying to antagonize
her, it was that I didn’t handle her outbursts in the best possible way.
Sometimes I can be such an intense person and I hate loose ends. I
find it difficult to accept vague, unresponsive answers to the simplest
of questions. I guess I am naturally a person who seeks accurate,
unambiguous answers so when I don’t get them I tend to adopt a real
Perry Mason approach and trust me, you don’t want to be in the dock
when I cross-examine you! I am thorough, clever and relentless in my
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pursuit for a simple, honest, direct answer. I guess that’s what made
me such a good interrogator back in my army days. Sadly, Debbie was
a past master at giving, or should I say, not giving answers. It drove
me crazy; at times her approach made her seem ‘guilty’ of something,
when she wasn’t. When my Perry Mason persona took the floor, she
hated it as I drove her to answer simple questions, step by step. So what
should have taken two seconds to answer would take three minutes.
She would naturally get defensive and I would get frustrated. This is
a typical example of what I am referring to—on an occasion she was
going shopping.
“Babes, what time do you think you might be back?” I asked.
“I’m not sure as I need to go to a few different shops.”
“I understand that, but do you think that it will take you two, three
or four hours?”
“I don’t know. I have no idea how busy each shop will be.”
“Okay, babes. It’s now 9 o’clock. At what time should I become
concerned if you’re not home—at twelve, two, four o’clock? Or should
I just not worry?”
“I’ll phone you when I am finished to let you know”
And in my mind I’m going “Aaarrghhhh!” All I needed, was for her
to say was that it would take her about three hours but if she was going
to be longer she would call and let me know.
For at least the first six or seven months I was good at being very ‘un-
Kevan’, i.e. ignoring silly things, not responding to her tantrums, being
loving without getting irritated and upset and pretending nothing had
happened. But I finally got to the point where I felt that this strategy
wasn’t working as things weren’t improving. I felt that maybe Debbie
thought she had carte blanche to continue in this manner. After all,
it was a manner that had worked for her for the previous 28 years of
her life with her mother and everyone else, so why should she change
now? So I went back to being Kevan, you know, the confrontational,
no-nonsense, I-will-not-tolerate-brats type of approach. This didn’t
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work either as Debbie now perceived me to be treating her like a child,
which in fact was quite accurate, because at times her tantrums were
leagues ahead of Callum’s. As I reflect back on this period, I realize
that I just wasn’t capable of consistently finding the balance that was
needed. If I am angry I need time to cool off and get my mind around
what happened. If Debbie was angry she could be back to normal as
quick as you can switch on a light, wanting to be affectionate and
loving. Call me a stubborn, stupid male but I battled with this as I am
clearly not as flexible. I would be okay in a few hours, or the next day,
or to continue with the analogy, it was more like switching on a power
station—it just takes a little longer.
The types of issues that would set us on our path of argumentative
frustration were things such as Gloria (finding us in bed together, my
financial support of her, allowing her to move in so quickly, getting
involved with her so quickly after Debbie had broken up with me);
Zelda (how I had met up with her during the time we had broken up
in our first relationship); the fact that I wasn’t prepared to commit to
a wedding date; my kids (being somewhat spoiled, the fact that they
didn’t respect or like her, the fact that they ate whatever was in the
house including the biscuits or sweets she had bought specifically for
her kids); my domestic helper Netto who isn’t the hardest of workers
and in her opinion wasn’t too partial to her; her kids being naughty
and the fact that I was fairly strict with them, the fact that I was doing
so much for them but I felt that it wasn’t appreciated (I would fetch
and carry the kids, give them lots of time and affection—I did more
for them than I had done for my own). There were other issues as
well, but the real problem was that these issues were never resolved
in her mind and so would pop up at any time, totally uninvited and
unannounced: they were serial offenders, these issues.
It was about March 2005 when I had received one threat too many
from her about moving out that I agreed with her and insisted that
she did. So before you could blink an eye she’d moved out back to her
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mom. Her mom wasn’t happy about this as she was tired of having
to look after them all, saying she couldn’t afford it. Pat wanted her
space and I couldn’t blame her. This didn’t stop us from continuing
our relationship. In my mind it wasn’t working but in my gut I knew
it wasn’t over, so I kept on trying as best I could. Not for a minute
am I suggesting that my best was good enough, but I tried. We both
loved each other and wanted it to work, but we just couldn’t find the
right formula. There were times when you could see she was trying
very hard, but at other times, when she was tired of trying, she simply
resorted to her bad habits. She is the most generous person you
could meet, given her limited resources. She went out of her way to
contribute financially, in every way she could, more often than not
beyond her means, which always got her into debt. She spent most of
her ‘spare’ money and bonuses on presents for me, which she would
buy after a great deal of thought and planning.
So over the next few months we continued our on-off relationship.
It was nice having some space and peace and quiet in the house. No
screaming, crying kids. I guess this was the ideal solution for me but
it wasn’t for her. And so we repeated the cycle all over again, for a
few months. Towards the end of September 2005, Debbie managed
to find a female clinical psychologist by the name of Dr Eliza. She
has extensive experience in dealing with people who suffer similar
symptoms to Debbie. After her first session with Eliza I was asked to
see her. I immediately felt comfortable with Eliza; she spoke about the
work she did and the experience she had. She asked me about myself
and why, after all this time, was I still in the relationship? I gave her my
views and my spiritual understanding of my journey, outlining the role
I believed I had to play in Debbie’s life. She made quite sure that I was
not only doing it for that but also because I loved Debbie, which I really
did, despite all the drama. As it turned out, Eliza is also a very spiritual
person and she recounted her spiritual path and experiences, and what
she understood her journey to be. Then we got back onto Debbie as
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she began to describe the various typical scenarios of how she’d behave
in different circumstances. I was amazed as she was absolutely spot on,
so I was convinced that Eliza understood what she had to do to help
Debbie. Finally someone understood the challenges that Debbie was
facing and could explain them in a simple way that I knew Debbie
could understand. I was meant to have spent and hour with Eliza but
I left there two and a half hours later. Debbie was frantic. I’d left my
phone on silent, but I did answer her calls during the session. She was
anxious, and in her best defensive mode wanted to know what were
we discussing, what were we saying about her? very little in fact as
Eliza had only had one session with Debbie. I left the session in an
upbeat, positive frame of mind.
Debbie really took a liking to Eliza and seemed to be making good
progress. This time I wasn’t concerned about what they achieved in
each session as I knew Eliza was in control. I let Debbie bring up the
subject when she was comfortable with it. There was no overnight
miracle cure, but Debbie was trying and at times things progressed
nicely and we wouldn’t get into any silly arguments for a week or two.
I really believed this was the breakthrough we so desperately sought.
We moved in together again, more by default than design. I was
terribly concerned about the constant upheaval for Trevor and
Callum. Children need stability in their lives, not a regular process
of moving home. At the same time Debbie’s mom was expecting
her sister to move back from the UK to come and stay with her; the
house wasn’t big enough to accommodate her sister, her daughter and
her two grandchildren. No doubt Debbie was under pressure from
her mom; I was concerned about the impact on Brett and Shayna, as
they were due to write their second-year final exams and A’ Levels
respectively. During one session I had with Eliza, I mentioned my
concerns about Debbie and her kids moving in again, as Brett put
in long hours of studying and needed peace and quiet, something he
had learned to enjoy over the past few months. Another issue was
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that Brett and Shayna had lost some respect for Debbie, as they had
witnessed too many examples of her wild temper tantrums. They
could not understand why I was still with her, but I kept telling them
that I loved her and believed it was my role to help her. As it turned
out it wasn’t an event, it was a process, and before anyone really knew
it we were living together again.
In December 2004, we went to San Lameer over the Christmas
period. Debbie wanted to go away in December 2005 as well, so during
August we looked at several options. Because of the difficulties with
Annie in getting Stevan and Jamie over school holidays, I was looking
for a way to have my two young kids with us as well. We decided to go
to San Lameer again. Debbie made the reservations and I was to pay
the deposit. For some reason I never got around to it. We were going
through our daily trials and tribulations and I suppose I was simply
sceptical about whether we would still be together at the end of the
year. So, because I didn’t pay the deposit, we lost the accommodation.
This really upset Debbie and rightly so. She felt that I wasn’t prepared
to do anything for her and her family. This wasn’t true but she was
right to be upset as it was the only time in the year that she could
take her kids on holiday, and I had created an expectation by agreeing
to it. In October, I decided to rectify the situation and managed to
find alternative accommodation at San Lameer. The plan was to take
Shayna and her boyfriend, Brad, and fetch Stevan and Jamie on the
way. We were going to be one big happy family.
We drove down to San Lameer in two vehicles: Brad and Shayna in
the bakkie and Debbie and her two boys with me in the car. We stopped
in Durban to fetch Stevan and Jamie ands—urprise, surprise—Annie
had convinced Jamie that it wasn’t a good idea for him to go. She’d
reminded him continually how he’d struggle to be away from her for
“such a long time”. I told him I’d bring him back whenevr he wanted,
even after a couple of days, but Annie’s sway was too great and so he
stayed behind.
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Unfortunately we had many arguments on holiday. Debbie was
stressed, frustrated and extremely moody. Her kids were irritating her,
the weather was lousy and to top it all the unit that we’d rented was
dirty when we arrived. Debbie is quite fussy about having a spotless
environment and our unit was far from spotless—a perfect setting
for all hell to break loose—which it did. I’d feared her emotional
outbursts might take place in front of Stevan; I didn’t want him to
witness them, but they happened nonetheless for silly, stupid reasons.
Once, Shayna and Brad witnessed her suddenly shouting at me for no
apparent reason as I was sitting alone on the couch alone. The more
she performed the more I withdew. She perceived this as ignoring
her which only made things worse. We were back to the light-switch
analogy. She would take her two boys and disappear, sometimes in
the bakkie, sometimes goodness knows where. We had become two
separate families—feuding families.
On the first blow-up she demanded that I fly her and her two
boys back home. I told her to stop being ridiculous. The next time
she demanded it I told her to go ahead and organize the flights. She
also demanded my credit card, which I gave her. She said she’d be
moved out the house by the time the rest of us got back from holiday
the following week. We went off to play mashie golf for an hour and
when I returned I found my credit card cut up into little pieces on the
bed. No flights had been booked. The next day she lost it again and
started packing their suitcases. I called her to the room to reason with
her as she was in a fury. The next thing she picked up the glass-and-
cane bedside table and hurled it against the bedroom wall, spraying
glass shards all over the room. That was the final straw. In my gut I
suddenly knew that our journey together was over. I couldn’t continue
with this any longer. I had subjected myself, my older kids and now
Stevan to too much trauma. I went downstairs and made the flight
reservations for Debbie and her two boys for the next day. Debbie
phoned Eliza who was on holiday in the Kruger Park at the time and
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spent some time chatting to her. A little later Eliza phoned me. I told
her what had happened and that I could not continue the relationship.
Eliza said she’d been concerned about the ‘family’ holiday as she wasn’t
sure that Debbie was ready for it. She asked me to remain calm and
not to respond in a negative way, no matter how Debbie reacted.
The next morning, 21 December 2005, I packed the car and we left
for the airport. I never said a word in the car; Debbie was crying and
telling her boys that I’d never loved her, or them, and that I was chasing
them away. I bit my tongue; it was stressful enough for the boys. She
began to hit me while I was driving but I ignored her. She tried to
open up her door to jump out at about 130kph but I managed to grab
her. I told her she was setting a bad example for the boys, that they
were terrified and did not deserve to witness such behaviour. It took a
little over an hour to get to the airport where I collected and paid for
the tickets, gave her some cash to pay for a taxi from Johannesburg
airport back home, said goodbye to her boys and left. I was hurting:
hurting for her, hurting for her kids and hurting for myself. I knew we
had gone a bridge too far.
I returned to San Lameer and we tried to make the most of the rest
of our holiday but everyone’s mood had been dampened. The next day
I had to take Stevan back to his mom. In the car I tried to explain to
him what Debbie had to deal with and he shouldn’t judge her for her
behaviour. I know I managed to get through to him and asked him not
to tell his mom about what had happened. It was the first time that I
had ever asked him to do this, but I didn’t want Annie to try and use
this episode against me the next time I wanted to have Stevan for the
holidays. Sadly Stevan didn’t keep ‘the secret’ but I only found this out
a few months later. We spent Christmas Day with Dario and his two
daughters and drove back home on 27 December 2005.
When we got home Debbie was still there. She said she had nowhere
to go as she couldn’t move back to her mom’s house as her aunt was
now staying there and she didn’t have the money to rent an apartment.
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I’d been in this situation before, not too long ago, hadn’t I? She was
looking for a place to stay but this was not the best time of the year
to find decent accommodation. I agreed that she could keep the
engagement ring, which she could sell. In the meantime she stayed
in my house, sharing a room with her boys. It was uncomfortable for
everyone but we somehow got through it. For New Year’s Eve we had
prior plans to attend a musical show at the Barnyard Theatre with
Debbie’s mom and aunt and a few of their friends, but despite Debbie
asking me to join them, I just couldn’t. I was very down, unhappy
and frustrated; I just wasn’t good company. So I stayed at home on
my own. At about 21h00 I received a call from Sandra, Debbie’s aunt,
to come and join them but I politely declined. By 22h00 I was in bed,
on New Year’s Eve, something I had never done before. Was I really
becoming an old and lonely 44-year-old?
Debbie found an apartment at the end of the first week in January. I
went with her to see it and it was ideal. The ring would take a while to
sell so I decided to give her the equivalent value of the ring in cash. I
paid her first month’s rent and the deposit, went with her to buy a bed,
washing machine and fridge and paid the balance into her account. I
helped her move and even spent time setting up her new television
and hi-fi system. It was a difficult time for both of us as we still loved
each other and were both hurting. The emotional rollercoaster was
still going strong: one minute she would be friendly and easygoing,
the next, when she was hurting, angry and difficult.
She felt I had broken my word. I had told her that I was going to see
this through with her, which I believed at the time. She felt I hadn’t
and that I should persevere. But I just couldn’t anymore; I had stuck
it out for 20 months since we’d got back together on 17 April 2004. I
didn’t believe I was helping her anymore as we had slipped into the
habit stage, when the habits become cyclical. I couldn’t see a positive
future, I was tired, I was defeated. But I still loved her. I knew she was
a good, generous, genuine person but she had this inability to control
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her anger and emotions. I often wished I didn’t love her—it would
have made things easier to deal with.
Over the next few weeks we continued to see each other on and
off as neither of us really wanted to meet anyone else. We had always
enjoyed a fantastic sexual relationship, which was the thread that kind
of kept us together at that time. Even though I still loved her, I knew I
couldn’t give her what she wanted, which was simply for me to marry
her and be with her forever. I made that clear when we saw each
other. I couldn’t commit to marriage in such an unstable relationship;
perhaps if I hadn’t been married twice before, I might have considered
taking a risk and doing so, but I didn’t ever want to go through another
divorce.
At first Debbie felt that she could handle a casual relationship with
me and selfishly, I was prepared to try it with her, but it didn’t take
long for me to realize what I already knew: she couldn’t. Eventually at
the beginning of March, I did what I should have done several weeks
before: to permanently end any type of relationship with her. I regret
that I hadn’t done it sooner as it was unfair of me to continue to see her
in any form of relationship because, for her, it was giving her hope that
maybe, just maybe, there might be a chance we’d get together again.
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After I left DocQnet, I decided that I wanted to do something that had
nothing to do with IT. My brother, Mark, had been retrenched from
a large company a couple of years before and since then had battled to
find a steady job. Through the church he was attending, he met up
with Alan and began working for him in his business, which rented
out stainless steel tanks and chemicals to restaurants and bakeries.
Mark wasn’t earning as much as he needed, but at least he had a job.
The tanks are used to clean equipment such as breadpans, trays,
extractor filters, pots, pans etc. They are filled with water and have
an element and a thermostat, which regulates the water temperature.
The chemicals help remove the black carbon-fibre build-up found
in stainless steel equipment. The chemicals lasted a month, so Mark
visited each customer once a month to drain and clean the tank and
then replenish the water and chemicals. The monthly charge included
the rental of the tank as well as the service. They had rented out all their
tanks but did not have the capital to purchase more. They approached
me to provide finance but after many discussions and negotiations,
I decided to start a new business, doing exactly the same and have
Mark move across to join me. And so, in September 2004, we started
a business called Soak Tank Solutions.
I spent a lot of time building budgets, projections and cash-flow
models. We looked at various scenarios and once I knew what my
investment exposure was, we ordered the tanks, the chemicals, the
vehicles and all the other necessary equipment. The market was
dominated by three companies, so we decided to change the rules that
they operated by. Up until then, every customer had to sign a long-
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term contract of 12 or 24 months, so we decided to take the risk away
from the customer by firstly allowing them a seven-day free trial to
prove that the system worked, and secondly, working on a one-month
notice period, i.e. no long-term contract.
Mark went out and started placing the tanks with our new approach
and it worked well. We started to gain a little momentum. Soon after
we received our first shipment of tanks, I had my first setback with
Mark. I had invested and committed a significant amount of money to
the venture and was a little nervous operating in a brand-new industry,
with a new learning curve to work through. Mark was prone to the
occasional drinking binge; he was an alcoholic but would not admit
it. In previous years, there’d been a few occasions when he’d gone off
the rails, binges that would last for several days. If that was not a big
enough challenge for him, he is also a diabetic. One morning he did
not arrive at work so I called him but he did not answer which was
unusual. About mid-morning he called me and said he was on his
way, but I could hear he was very drunk so I told him not to come
but to sober up and come back the following day. The next day was
no different, he was still drunk. I spoke to Maria, his fiancée, and I
said I would take Mark to a rehabilitation clinic at my own expense
because he did not have medical-aid cover or the finances to pay for
it himself. He wasn’t interested; he felt he could control it. I was now
concerned—I’d only started the business for Mark’s sake so he could
have a stable job and build a stable life. The following day he arrived at
work and I spoke to him in a very firm manner about his behaviour.
He said it would not happen again, that he’d stop drinking and start
attending AA meetings. I warned him that if it happened again he
would no longer have a job. By this time my mother was worried, so
much so that she arranged to pick Mark up and take him to his first
AA meeting. Mark didn’t attend further AA meetings after that as he
felt the AA people were a bunch of losers.
Then we had setbacks because of Mark’s easy, flexible, trusting
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manner. Many of the seven-day-free-trial tanks came back after a
week, not because the solution didn’t work, but because Mark had
not dealt with the decision-maker of the businesses; the people with
whom he’d negotiated the free trial had no authority to make that
decision.
Over time we were making reasonable progress but the business
was still running at a loss with a negative cash-flow because of the
significant upfront investment needed and the significant salary I was
paying Mark. Mark was suddenly cash flush again so, next thing, he
was buying a better car and a better house. I warned him about this;
I told him the business still had a long way to go just to cover the
overheads on a monthly basis.
“No problem, boet. I’ll have all the tanks placed soon. Maybe we
should be ordering more tanks?”
I’d heard the same line from him many times before but he was
the salesman, the eternal optimist. To him, getting an appointment
with a customer was the same thing as signing an order. To his credit
though, over time, he did place many tanks and developed fantastic
relationships with our customers. But that was Mark: he was the
people’s person, the relationship builder. However, he had not attended
any AA meetings despite my insisting he do so. I told him we’d plan
his days around the meetings but he never made any effort.
One day while Mark was out trying to place tanks, I called him and
he did not answer. No problem, I thought, as he might be installing
a tank. I waited awhile but he did not call back so I called him again.
No answer. I suddenly had this feeling that he was drinking again, so I
took a chance and drove to his house. Near his house was his favourite
watering hole so that’s where I went. It was about 14h30 when I arrived
at the pub and saw my bakkie parked outside, with the tanks he had
drawn that morning still loaded. I was angry. I had started a business
for him and this was how he repaid me? The last time he’d gone off
the rails, I had threatened to fire him if it happened again, and it had.
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I walked inside. He was in the middle of a very drunken conversation.
I tapped him on the shoulder; he turned around and was shocked to
see me. I asked him where Thomas, our other employee, was and he
said he’d let him go home early. I was livid—I was paying two salaries
so he could spend the day drinking! All I said was that he should leave
immediately and take my bakkie home, that I’d make arrangements to
collect the vehicle the following morning. I left and sat outside in my
car, wondering just what I should do about Mark.
The following morning I called him and he was still drunk. I had
to cover for him that day. The next day he arrived armed with his
apologies and promises. He’d attend AA meetings, blah, blah, blah. I
relented and gave him another “very last chance”. We continued with
the business and he managed to stay on the wagon for a few months
until he fell off again in the beginning of March 2005.
By this time Mark had moved into his new house; he had a mortgage
bond and a hire-purchase agreement on his car to pay. He was deeper
in debt than he’d been before I employed him. This time when he
started drinking, I decided enough was enough—this was the third
time in less than seven months, so I fired him. I paid him out for
the month and took my bakkie back. He went on a long binge and
then begged me to check him into a rehabilitation centre. I wasn’t
interested—he’d had his chance the first time he went off the rails. It
was the end of the road for me as far as our business relationship was
concerned. I stopped further financial support, but not my love or
spiritual support. I knew he would lose his house and whatever else,
but he’d made that choice, not me. He was given many opportunities
to learn the lesson but he failed each time and the consequences got
worse each time. He was on his own. I often tried to explain to him
my spiritual beliefs and understanding, but he thought I was a little
cuckoo and brushed it off. Choices!
I employed Nick, a young man I’d known since our days in Paulshof.
He was keen and hungry. Mark was thus replaced by someone who
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only cost me a fraction of Mark’s total cost and was infinitely more
reliable. The business continues to this day. It is a simple business that
does okay. But the blessing of this business is that it has afforded me
the time to write this book.
Mark was unemployed up until November 2008. He’s had a
number of major derailments since March 2005, such as the one in
January 2006 where he collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital by
ambulance. He had neglected his sugar levels while drinking himself
into oblivion. In hospital he was close to death, but none of our family
visited him—we’d all had enough. He continually chooses to tempt the
Grim Reaper. A self-induced illness like alcoholism does not sit well
with us anymore, especially when there is help on offer. My mother,
Linda and I have little sympathy for him. We do not judge him as he
has an extremely difficult journey ahead but he needs to make the
correct choices. As of November 2008, he has not drunk for a year,
but he looks ten years older than he actually is. He is now living with
my mother in her house. Because of his choices he has lost everything
he ever cherished: his career, his fiancée, his personality, his daughter.
Hopefully he has learned his lesson; I would like to believe he has.
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I decided to start dating again as a form of distraction and subscribed
to the internet-dating site I’d used before. Once again, I got to meet
a number of nice women but never really got into it. Debbie just
wouldn’t leave me alone; everyday I received dozens of SMS messages,
emails and telephone calls. I tried to ignore her, not to respond. I really
felt for her as she was hurting and struggling to accept that it was
over. Eventually, I set up an automatic-forwarding rule on my email
to immediately forward any email she sent me to her mother and
Eliza, her psychologist. I thought that might help but it didn’t, all that
happened was she now was filling three email boxes instead of one.
She kept coming to my house and ringing the bell. Finally, I decided
to issue an instruction to the guards at the security gate not to let
her through the boom. I gave them a photograph of her and her car’s
registration number. That should keep her away, or so I thought.
Later in March, after many different dates, I met someone else who
was quite special, but it was the way we met that was amazing. I had met
another lady by the name of Charisse at a lunch date on a Wednesday.
It was pleasant and we seemed to get on quite well. The following day
she phoned me to ask me if I wanted to accompany her to her friend’s
birthday party on Saturday evening. I had no plans so I agreed. We
agreed to meet at her friend’s house at 17h00, but she asked me to call
her when I arrived so she could make ‘an entrance’ with me.
On Saturday afternoon, while I was watching rugby on television,
Shayna asked me if I was going out that evening. I’d been going out
quite often of late, so she was not surprised to hear that I was going on
a date. I really didn’t feel like going out but as I’d made a commitment
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I had to honour it. I was indifferent about going to the party as I barely
knew Charisse and certainly didn’t know anyone else who’d be there.
I can be very sociable but in an environment where I know everyone.
Meeting new people and making small talk was something I didn’t
enjoy so reluctantly and unenthusiastically, I finally got dressed and
left for the party.
I phoned Charisse when I arrived and she met me outside and
walked me in. It was still early so there weren’t too many people so
I was introduced to everyone present, including Merinda who was
hosting the party. The small talk began. Charisse had been drinking
wine when I arrived and asked me to top up her glass. I duly obliged
and before I knew it she was ready for another glass. No problem, but
something in the back of my mind niggled, as previous experiences of
women drinking too much white wine had not been pleasant. If she
was drinking something else it would never have crossed my mind,
but white wine somehow rang an alrm bell. I had formed a theory that
a female who overindulges on white wine or white spirits is very likely
to become difficult, emotional and possibly even physically aggressive.
After an hour or two, I decided that Charisse was definitely not for me.
She was getting louder and more amorous, calling me ‘darling’ and
‘love’. This scared me as I barely knew her and she definitely did not
know me. I began to mingle—yes me, like a social butterfly, meeting
people, making small talk, but more importantly— distancing myself
from Charisse.
It must have been about 19h30 when this woman made an appearance.
I noticed her immediately and when she looked in my direction our
eyes locked. I smiled at her, she smiled back. It was the most amazing
instant of recognizing and knowing a complete stranger. I couldn’t
stop looking at her while trying to establish if she was with someone.
I was introduced to her: her name was Roxy. It appeared she was with
a guy by the name of David as she spent a lot of time with him. A little
later a few people started dancing and I decided to join in. I went and
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asked David if he’d mind if I asked his girlfriend to dance. No problem
and she wasn’t his girlfriend. Great! She was single. As it turned out, I
was the only male dancing so I didn’t get to dance with her as such but
ended up with a group of about six women.
As the night progressed Charisse got absolutely trashed and became
excessively loud. I noticed that she was beginning to offend people so
I took her aside and suggested we leave. She wasn’t keen but she was
way past making rational decisions. I told her I’d give her a lift home as
she was in no state to drive. I had no idea where she lived but offered
to drive her home, fetch her the next morning and drive her back to
Merinda’s house to fetch her car. She became difficult, reluctant to
leave, but Merinda came outside and asked her to leave and let me
take her home. She went to retrieve her handbag and next thing she’d
managed to get into her own car. There was no way she could drive
so I removed her keys from the ignition and, after much persuasion,
I finally managed to get her out the car and into mine. My car was
parked on the pavement, perpendicular to the road where other cars
were parked. As I began to reverse she started screaming and shouting
at me, that I had turned her friends against her and it was all my fault.
I was taken by surprise, so much so that I took my eyes off my rear-
view mirror and dinged the car parked behind me, not seriously but
noticeably. I moved forward as she decided to jump out the car and
go back to the party. I remember saying out loud, “Why me Lord?” It
was like déjà vu, my white-wine theory proven again with someone
I barely knew, had spent little time with and here I was suffering the
consequences again. I parked my car and checked the damage. My
car had a few minor scratches on the bumper while the other vehicle,
a 3-series BMW, had a slight dent above the right rear-wheel arch.
There were some teenage kids outside in the street who had witnessed
everything. One of the kids was Merinda’s daughter who said I should
ignore Charisse and leave her as she always got out of hand. Why
didn’t they tell me this when I arrived? As much as I now wanted to
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leave, I couldn’t. I had to find the owner of the vehicle and let him or
her know what had happened. As I went back back up the driveway I
heard screaming and shouting as Charisse came outside in tears. Some
woman had apparently had enough of Charisse’s antics and had given
her a smack that left her with a slight cut above her eye. Merinda had
by now also had enough, so she took Charisse, bundled her into her car
and told her to leave, which she did. I was in a state of bewilderment.
What had I done to deserve this? I managed to find the owner of the
BMW and explained what had happened; I gave him my business card
so we could sort out the damages. I said my goodbyes but Merinda
and her boyfriend were not about to let me leave. They had taken a
liking to me and insisted I stay a little longer. While I was sitting there
chatting to them and Roxy, who had joined us, I started receiving
a number of abusive, threatening SMSs from Charisse, blaming me
for the events of the evening. Everyone sitting there found the SMSs
amusing but I was wondering how I managed to find these women?
A couple of hours later it was time to go. Roxy had also had too
much to drink and it was unwise for her to drive home. I said I’d give
her a lift either to her place or mine and we could come back in the
morning to fetch her car. I decided we’d go to my place and she said
it was okay. Driving to my house, which was only ten minutes away,
we chatted and I had this strange feeling that we knew each other.
Everything seemed comfortable and natural, as if we were returning
home as a long-established couple. She said she needed to leave early
as she had to get to the airport to fetch her boyfriend who was flying
back from Dubai. This was a curve ball to say the least. This was not
good news.
When we got home I suggested that she use the spare room or my
room, but all she asked for was a T-shirt and some shorts. She went to
the bathroom and changed and then got into my bed. I changed and
got into bed as well. We continued chatting about all sorts of things
and I instinctively knew that we had a karmic connection. It was eerie
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as I could almost anticipate what she’d say next. I mentioned this and
she said that it was also strange for her, because she felt so comfortable
with me. She said she would never have left with someone she didn’t
know but she’d felt okay with me. After a while she said she was tired
and needed to sleep as she had to get to the airport in a few hours.
I turned to her and said: “You do know that when you fetch him
you’re going to take him back to his house and break up with him
because you and I are going to be together.” I am not sure what
prompted me to say this but I just did.
She looked at me and was silent for a moment: “Yes, I know that.”
That was it; we were about to start a relationship. We fell asleep almost
immediately and when the alarm went off a couple of hours later, I
woke her and we left to fetch her car. I decided I needed to check if
she remembered what we had discussed a few hours earlier. To my
relief she remembered and said she’d call me later. Perhaps, it was easy
for her to say that she was going to break up with him but it was quite
another thing to actually do it, even more so when she’d been quite
comfortable in the relationship up until a couple of hours earlier when
the thought of breaking up had never even crossed her mind. Time
would tell. As the hours passed I began to think that she’d changed her
mind. Eventually, later that afternoon I received an SMS from her to
say she’d broken up with him and was on her way. We agreed to meet
for a drink and that was the start of a new relationship.
In early April Debbie had started her quest to get my ticket to the
Robbie Williams concert due on 17 April 2006. Many months before,
she’d managed to get through to Computicket the day the tickets went
on sale. There was a ticket frenzy that day. I’d tried to book through
the internet but the site had crashed. I’d also tried to phone but with
no success. Somehow, that afternoon Debbie managed to get through
and she booked. She wanted two tickets for her mom and aunt and
I wanted eight in total, two of which were obviously for Debbie and
me, the balance for friends. Debbie used my credit card to pay for the
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tickets. After she moved out in January she asked me if she could buy
her ticket from me, to which I agreed. Now that things were definitely
over, she started hounding me for my ticket as they were reserved seats
and she didn’t want to sit next to me. I told her that I was not prepared
to give her my ticket as I wanted to see the concert. My friends whom,
interestingly enough, I had met through Debbie a couple of years
earlier, were not keen to go to the concert if she was going to be there
as they weren’t particularly fond of her. By this time, Debbie had
found out that I’d met someone else so this obviously angered her.
Eventually, after lots of abusive emails and calls she sent me an email
saying she had managed to swap her ticket with someone else so she
wouldn’t have to see me.
On the morning of Wednesday, 7 April 2006, after I left gym, I saw
that Debbie had sent me a couple of SMSs demanding that I give her
my Robbie Williams ticket and return all the gifts she had given me
for Christmas and my birthday. I responded via SMS to say no to her
demands. Over the years I had spent a fortune on her—for presents,
paying off her debts, holidays, paying towards the deposit on her new
car, engagement ring, clothing, jewellery etc. To me it was a matter
of principle as you don’t take back birthday or Christmas gifts. She
phoned me and I told her politely that I wasn’t prepared to do this, said
goodbye and ended the call. She kept on phoning so I just ignored the
calls, all 20-odd of them.
Shortly after I got home I heard the gate bell ring and as I looked
up out of my study I saw her yellow Renault at the gate. I wondered
how she’d managed to get through the security boom. I walked
outside and she started screaming and shouting at me to give her “her
Robbie Williams ticket” (she already had hers, she was referring to
mine, which she wanted as well) and the presents she’d bought me.
I said no and that she should leave. As I turned to walk away she
kept on ringing the gate bell and screaming. She was shouting to the
neighbours that I was a bastard who broke women’s hearts, that I was
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a liar, a cheat and goodness knows what else. All the time Brett and
Shayna were watching the proceedings as they were at home studying
for their exams. I went back to the gate and pleaded with her to leave
otherwise I’d call security but she wouldn’t hear of it. She then pressed
her hooter and held it down, making an interminable noise. I tried to
call Eliza, her psychologist, but she didn’t answer so I left a message
for her. I managed to get hold of her mother as she happened to be
at home recovering from surgery. I told her what was happening and
asked her to call Debbie and talk some sense into her. She could hear
Debbie screaming and shouting in the background and said she would
try. Debbie wasn’t letting up so I called the security company. But they
were so disorganized that I decided to go inside and press the panic
button. This set off the house alarm which Debbie could obviously
hear. I suggested she leave before the guards arrived. She threw her
mobile phone over the gate towards me and got into her car. I picked
it up and tossed it through the diagonal slits of the gate onto the grass
next to her car but she ignored it and reversed out the driveway. She
had gone back about ten metres and, assuming she was about to leave,
I turned my back to the gate. The next thing I heard was this high-
pitched engine revving and a squeal of tyres as she hurtled straight at
the gate, knocking it clean off its hinges, towards me. I had to back-
peddle very quickly in order for the gate not to hit me. She slammed
the car into reverse, showed me her middle finger and drove off. To
put this in perspective, the gate is made of solid steel; it takes at least
five men to lift it. It took some force to knock it off its rails and move
it more than two metres into my yard.
The security guards arrived shortly afterwards and they in turn
called the police who arrived in due course. In the pandemonium,
I managed to call the company which serviced the electric gate and
they rushed out to help as we were now prisoners in our own home
because the gate was too heavy to move. I decided to take photographs.
I wanted her to pay for the damage and I wanted to get a restraining
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order against her as she’d really lost her mind. The police arrived and I
opened a case of malicious damage to property against her; I was going
to use this as the basis for a restraining order. The strange thing was
that I wasn’t angry with her, I felt sorry for her. She was letting her life
slide further and further out of control. It made me realize that one of
my objectives for the past two years was to become non-judgemental.
At last I was able to achieve this, and live it.
Eliza called me later and I explained what had happened. She was
really disappointed and told me that she was no longer seeing Debbie.
Apparently Debbie had cancelled several appointments, saying she
needed her medical-aid cover to fund Callum’s counselling sessions
with a child psychologist. Eliza had told her that it was critical for her
to keep on with the sessions and even offered to treat Debbie for free.
Perhaps it is more accurate to say that Eliza was probably getting close
to the real issues which caused her ‘flight’ response.
It took the whole day to get the gate straightened and upright, and
another day to replace the gate motor that had been ripped apart, the
total cost a little over R6,700. Later that afternoon Debbie arrived with
a friend to collect her mobile phone. I silently handed the phone to her
friend and went back inside.
The following morning I went to the Randburg magistrates’ courts
to begin the process of obtaining a restraining order against her. The
queue was horrendously long and after two hours I’d made no progress.
As I had a luncheon appointment with some former colleagues I
decided to leave and come back on Monday morning.
As I was leaving the gym on Monday morning, I received a call from
a South African Police Services inspector. He was following up on
my case that had been opened the previous Wednesday. This was the
last thing that I expected as I’d assumed it would take months before
they devoted any effort to such a menial crime as malicious damage to
property. He informed me that I had not provided all Debbie’s contact
details as they did not have her work address. I didn’t know it as she’d
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recently started a new job with a couple who were friends of her. I
remembered I might have the address on an email she’d sent, so I said
I’d bring it in as I was on my way back to the Randburg magistrates’
courts. The inspector said he’d phoned Debbie to discuss what had
happened and she’d promptly put the phone down on him. I smiled
and told him that that sounded like the Debbie I knew.
I’d had the photographs of the trashed gate developed so I gave them
to the inspector. He said they’d be following up in due course and I
made my way back to the courts. The waiting game continued, with
queues of people all seeking restraining orders or as they now call
them protection orders. It was pitiful seeing the mothers with small
children, some bruised, others just tearful. What was interesting were
the numbers of males, like me, seeking protection from the courts.
Whatever happened to the caveman? At about 12h20, I received a call
from Debbie which I ignored, but she kept on calling and I kept on
ignoring. Eventually her mother called me so I answered. She told
me that the police were in the process of arresting Debbie. I couldn’t
believe it, I was shocked. Why would they do this?
Debbie called again and screamed at me: “You bastard, you are
having me arrested. They have just put me into the back of a police
van and they’re taking me away!”
I was stunned. I hadn’t expected this nor did I want it. I’d merely
charged her with malicious damage to property to make it easier to
get a restraining order. I hadn’t figured that the police would be there
so quickly. I never thought they’d arrest her for this, but as it turns out
the police were quite miffed that they’d been sworn at and told to get
lost, so they’d decided to pay her a visit. Debbie did not respond well
to their visit and had apparently put up a performance, so they arrested
her to continue their investigation in the police cells.
Her mother called me again and begged me to withdraw my case
against her. I readily agreed. Her mother left work to meet me at the
Randburg police station. By now Debbie was already in the cells. I
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spoke to the senior officer and explained what had happened and that
I would like to withdraw the case. He wasn’t happy with this; he said
that if he’d done what Debbie had done, I wouldn’t be withdrawing
my case against him. I explained that she was a mother of two young
children and that I felt that the humiliation she had experienced—
being arrested at work, dumped in the back of a police van, and put in
a police cell—was more than sufficient punishment for her. He tried
to talk me out of it but I insisted, so he directed me to the investigating
officer and told him that I was withdrawing the case. The investigating
officer wasn’t happy either. I had to write an affidavit and outline why
I was withdrawing the case. While doing this I spoke to the female
officer who had been present when Debbie was arrested and asked
her what had happened. She merely said that it hadn’t gone well, that
Debbie was extremely difficult and it had not been pleasant. I completed
my affidavit and asked when Debbie would be released. They said she
had to get an attorney and post R1,000 as bail. I went outside and told
Pat what she needed to do to get her daughter out of jail and then went
back to the magistrates’ courts. Getting my protection order was now
very urgent as I feared that Debbie might go on the warpath once she
was released.
After some time I finally managed to speak to a magistrate and
explained what had happened. I showed her the photographs and
expressed my concern about what Debbie might do next. Even though
the courts had now officially closed for the day she granted me an
interim protection order but explained it was not valid until such time
that it had officially been served on Debbie. Only the sheriff of the
court or a police officer could do this. I left the courts and went to
the sheriff’s offices but they had closed for the day. So now I had my
order but it wasn’t valid. The order prohibited her from contacting
Brett, Shayna or myself in person, telephonically, by SMS or by email.
If she did so, I had in my possession a ‘permanent’ warrant of arrest
which I only needed to hand to a police officer and she’d be arrested
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immediately. This was serious stuff but I had my doubts whether
Debbie would see it that way. In fact I could bet money on it that she’d
totally ignore it. Sometimes when she was in that frame of mind she
was a law unto herself.
In between my activities to obtain the protection order, I had received
several calls from Eliza and Pat saying that Debbie was still in custody
and they hadn’t yet managed to get an attorney appointed. Eventually
they did but as things turned out the police were obviously still miffed
by Debbie’s treatment of, and behaviour to them that they created all
sorts of delays. By 22h00, with bail not forthcoming, Debbie was to
spend the night in jail. I was very upset about this as I didn’t think
she deserved this, but then again I wasn’t present when she’s abused
the police and put the phone down on them nor did I witness her
behaviour which ultimately resulted in her arrest and detention.
The court hearing was set for 09h00 the next morning so I went
to the sheriff’s offices very early that morning. I explained that she
would be in court by 09h00 and asked them to serve the notice on
her at that time. They managed to do this so I had my ‘protection’ but
as soon as it was valid she phoned me. The case had been officially
withdrawn, the magistrate had released her and she was on her way
home with her mother. She screamed and performed and cursed me,
telling me how I’d destroyed her. I decided not to try and talk to her so
simply said goodbye and ended the call. A short while later, I received
a call from her mom to apologize for the phone call, saying it wouldn’t
happen again. Pat said that Debbie had completely lost it and had tried
to jump out of the moving car, but that she’d managed to hold her
back even though she was driving at the time. I reminded Pat that I
had experienced this several times before, and in fact so had Debbie’s
kids. I knew this would not be the last of it and asked Pat to do her best
to explain to Debbie the seriousness of the protection order, and the
consequences if she breached it. I also mentioned that I was concerned
that Debbie would attend the Robbie Williams concert and cause
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trouble and that I’d have to have her arrested, which nobody wanted. I
offered to buy her ticket back from her and tear it up but Pat said, that
as far as she was aware, Debbie had swapped the ticket or given it to
someone else, so she would not be near us. She mentioned that Debbie
was going to see another psychologist later that afternoon which was
somewhat of a surprise to me, as Eliza really understood Debbie and
could help her. Pat, however, was confident that Debbie would not
contact me again. I knew then that Pat just did not understand her
daughter.
It only took a couple of hours before she contacted me again. At about
the time that she would have finished her appointment with her new
psychologist, I received another abusive SMS from her. I ignored it but
forwarded it to her mother which was how I dealt with all subsequent
SMSs from her. This irritated Debbie, so she sent me an SMS telling
me to grow up and leave her mother out of it. I ignored her. The next
evening while I was out, she arrived at my gate and dumped a whole
lot of different items all over my driveway—mostly gifts I’d bought
her, such as clothing and jewellery but amusingly enough she kept the
most expensive gifts. She returned photographs and cards as well. I
guess it was her way of trying to sever all links with me, or maybe it
was just her way of showing total defiance of the court order as she left
her copy in the driveway as well. Brett called me to tell me of this and
that he’d picked up all the items and put them in a large black refuse
bag.
Over the next few days she did not let up. Often the SMSs contained
‘invitations’ to have her arrested for being in contact with me, because,
as she said: “That is who you are.” I ignored her and prayed that she
would come to her senses. On the day of the Robbie Williams concert,
she sent me an SMS to ask if I wanted to buy her ticket, the ticket that
she had supposedly swapped with someone else, the same ticket I had
offered to buy back from her mother and tear up. As always I ignored
the SMS. We attended the concert and during the performance I
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received two SMSs from her, the first just before 21h00 in which she
said: “Arrest me. Do what pleases you. I was always right about you:
heartless and a liar.” I ignored it. About an hour later the next SMS
arrived in which she said: “Not to worry … I’m here with my ex lover
Arno.” Although we were standing on the field among thousands of
other people, I couldn’t help but look around to see if she was about to
attack us. The last thing I wanted, or needed, was a humiliating public
confrontation. Fortunately nothing happened.
The next SMS I received was a few days later but that was only to
request the settlement amount for her car which had been financed in
my name, as a favour to her as she could not obtain credit in her name.
I got the information and emailed the details directly to her mother.
About ten days later she sent another SMS saying that it was easy for
me to forget her and that I did not know the meaning of love. The
next one I received was late in May, but I recognized it as a message
she’d sent weeks before, so I guess she had been scrolling through her
messages and decided to send it again. It was the last one.
I know that Debbie really loved me, she loved me as much and as
intensely as anyone ever had, if not more. She knew what her problems
were; she never denied them, she tried many times to fix them but
never quite got there. I don’t believe her motives were anything other
than loving me and wanting to have a happy long-term relationship
with me. Yes, there was the age gap; yes, there was the difference in
experience and maturity; yes, there was the so-called security that I
represented to a single mother with two young kids but that wasn’t the
reason she wanted to be with me.
With the benefit of hindsight I would say she loved me
unconditionally, but she never loved herself unconditionally. Did
I love her unconditionally? Yes, I really believe so, but we had been
together for just over three years, excluding the four months’ break
we had when I was with Gloria. And the dramas never stopped, they
were too frequent. We would take two steps forward, one step back,
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two steps forward, two steps back. In my mind we weren’t able to
make sufficient progress together. I was too strong, too dominant, too
stubborn, too gentle, too generous, too accommodating. But having
said this, I have always had a very strong love for her.
Did she learn the lesson of rejection with me in her life? No.
Were the consequences worse for her each time she failed to learn
it? Most definitely.
Hopefully, she would come to terms with everything and learn her
lesson; I really hoped so—not only for her sake but for the sake of her
two boys.
250
Life moved quite quickly with Roxy. We were very comfortable
together; she was great fun and we shared some good times. We
enjoyed being in each other’s space and spent almost all our time
together. Neither she nor I enjoyed packing overnight bags; we were
far too lazy to do this every other night. Probably a more accurate
reason was that I much preferred being in my own house. So guess
what logical conclusion I came up with? Let’s live together. I guess
there are two types of men: those who avoid this kind of commitment
and go to great lengths to protect their space and those who are too
selfish or lazy to worry about it. No prizes for guessing which camp
I fall into.
Brett was a full-time student in his third and final year of his degree.
It seemed like a great opportunity to let him learn to live on his own,
with some responsibilities and for the first time in his life, on a budget.
Besides, Roxy had a really crazy cat called Shatzie which would not
have survived with my two young huskies, Phoenix and Dante. So
Brett moved into Roxy’s apartment to look after Shatzie and she
moved in with me.
It was probably about four months later, in August 2006, when I
next had contact with Debbie. I can’t recall what triggered it—possibly
something to do with Debbie’s car which was registered and financed
in my name, even though she was paying the monthly instalments.
During this contact she told me she had started seeing a psychiatrist
who’d asked that she go for some brain scans. The psychiatrist had
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asked her whether she’d ever suffered a severe head trauma which
Debbie had from a very severe motor accident many years before. She
had been a rebellious teenager at the time and was the only passenger
in an accident in which the driver, a boy, was killed. Debbie was badly
injured and had to undergo skin grafts, having suffered severe head-
trauma injuries. The psychiatrist was very surprised that the previous
psychiatrists and psychologists that Debbie had seen had never enquired
about this. Debbie then underwent a series of brain scans and other
related tests. I kept in touch with her via email as I was concerned and
interested to see what the results were. The diagnosis was that she had
frontal lobe epilepsy caused from the accident. I can’t recall accurately
whether she had a lack of electrical impulses or too many, but the
net effect was that she would react to a situation immediately without
any thought. The example the psychiatrist gave was like a dog that
snapped on impulse if you tried to take its bone away. This is exactly
how Debbie would ‘snap’ and react at times. The good news was that
this form of epilepsy can be treated and cured in time with the correct
medication.
I was really pleased to hear this news as it made sense and, more
importantly, it was treatable. It was a physical condition as a result of an
accident and not a psychological disorder. I suddenly felt that perhaps
I had been right in my belief that it was my duty, my responsibility to
help Debbie. Why was it only now that I was in a space that allowed
me to learn the true cause of her behaviour? We had to meet, and
we did. It was only a few months before when Debbie had driven
down my front gate resulting in a series of events that ultimately led
to her night in jail. Yet, when we met, all seemed forgotten, on her
side as well as mine. Is love blind or do we choose to erase all the bad
memories when we want to?
I was confused. I had always had a special love for her, I had tried
extremely hard to help her but without success. There were so many
questions racing through my mind. Was it because I had given up
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again?
too easily? Should I try again? With medication, proper psychological
treatment and my support it might be different? I believed I had to
try again. With hindsight, I am not sure whether the reason was to
help Debbie or to help me? Was it to prove to myself that I had not
failed her? Was it perhaps to prove whether I had abandoned my task,
my responsibility and had therefore failed myself? The previous time
I’d felt this calling when I was with Gloria; I had prayed to God for
guidance and had received divine intervention. For some reason, I
don’t recall asking for guidance this time round. I am not sure why.
I made the choice but there was a minor complication: Roxy was living
with me. Strangely enough, just a couple of weeks prior to receiving
the news of Debbie’s condition Roxy and I were experiencing several
problems and challenges in our relationship—probably because we
had moved in together so quickly and didn’t really know each other.
To complicate matters further, I was going through a very difficult
period as I had just written the chapter about my father’s death. Up
until this time, I hadn’t realized that I ‘d never actually dealt with my
grief and sadness; I guess at the time I’d never had the opportunity,
besides the brief communication I shared with him in spirit in the
bathroom. Writing about it forced me to open up and deal with it. It
was an extremely emotional time—every word I typed was followed
by streams of tears. Most of the time I couldn’t see through the tears as
the computer screen was a blur, but the words kept on coming, albeit
slowly. My way of dealing with issues is to withdraw into my shell; I
become quieter and more aloof. This was difficult for Roxy to accept
and on a number of fronts and issues she was pushing and probing.
The more she did, the more I asked her to back off and give me space.
I can understand her point of view in wanting to deal with such issues
but there is a time and a place for everything. Unfortunately this was
neither the time nor the place. I was dealing with an accumulation
of many years of issues, incidents, my lack of sharing and expressing
my love for my father when it was too late and he was gone. It may
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have been selfish on my part but I really needed space to deal with
my sadness, but Roxy did not understand. She wanted to deal with
issues that affected her, which I guess she had every right to expect.
The result was simply she pushed me too far one evening after I’d
asked her several times to drop a minor issue she’d raised. I believe
I’d done my best to make her understand that this was not the time. I
finally lost it and literally shouted at her to back off. I guess she was on
the receiving end of not only my frustration caused by her relentless
pursuit in trying to resolve something, but also my pent-up emotion.
Later, while we were lying in bed, I apologized for having shouted at
her. She quietly asked me if I loved her. It was a moment of truth that
surprised me. I tried to answer in a diplomatic yet honest way but
she saw straight through it. She decided then and there that she was
moving out the next day and made it my responsibility to move all of
her items back to her apartment.
Brett was very unimpressed with me upon hearing the news that he
was going to be spending more quality time with his dad. “What did
you do to screw this up, Dad?” were his words. Quite honestly, at the
time I wasn’t sure what the answer was.
I was now able to focus on trying to fulfil my responsibility of helping
Debbie. We agreed that she would not move in and that we would take
it one step at a time. We would slowly try and build a relationship
without disrupting her kids. She started taking the medication and she
had regular sessions with her psychiatrist—it was amazing to see the
difference in her. She hardly drank as alcohol was not allowed with her
medication. Things looked positive, it looked like it could work but I
knew we still had a long road to travel before we could begin to claim
some success.
What I was not aware of at the time were the side effects from
medication. When she realized the side effects she decided to reduce
her dosage and at some stage she decided to stop taking the medication
altogether. She was convinced that she was okay as things had been
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again?
going well for her and for us. She was a much happier person, she was
less stressed and she was handling her kids much better and sharing
her love with them more than ever before. In her mind she was better
and did not need the medication. It wasn’t long before I noticed the
change in her, in our relationship. It did not make sense until she told
me one day that she had not been taking her medication for some
time. I was angry, I told her that she had to continue with it but she
said that I didn’t understand the side effects so it was easy for me to say.
I asked her to speak to her psychiatrist and get alternative medication
which she said she would. Sometime later the same process would
repeat itself again. Each time we slipped backwards. Debbie was just
not prepared to accept some side effects as a trade-off to getting better
and healing the physical aspect of her condition. Eventually in late
August 2007, after another year of trying we finally ended it, this time
it in a less acrimonious manner.
I finally realized that I was not able to help her, not because I didn’t
want to, not because I had not tried, not because I had failed, simply
because she did not want to help herself. She refused to put in the
effort or accept that you have to ‘invest’ to get returns.
This was proved by her subsequent actions and choices in the
months after we broke up. She decided to quit her job as she hated the
environment and her boss, which is understandable, however, she did
not have another job to go to. She needed the money but was not well
qualified or experienced and it was late in the year. Unless she was
very lucky she would battle to find another job. Sadly, this is was what
happened and the next thing I heard was that she was stripping again.
Back in this line of work she took drugs again, drank excessively and
led a life totally separate from her kids. She was living with her mother
again. At the age of 31 she had gone back to the life she’d led when she
was twenty-two. It’s all about the choices we make, lessons not learned
and consequences that get worse every time.
The good news is that she only did this for a few months until her
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mother managed to help get her a job working for a friend of hers.
Debbie met someone and got married in September 2008 before
she moved to New Zealand with her husband and her youngest
son, Callum. She had to give up custody of Trevor who now lives in
Durban with his father and stepmother.

In October 2006 I received a call from Dave, a friend and ex-colleague.

I had met him when I was with CCH; he worked for a company that
was a client of CCH’s. We then became colleagues when he moved
to Unihold as the chief financial officer and they decided to invest in
our YDigitalWorks initiative. It was at that time that I worked more
closely with Dave as he was our main point of contact. We established
a sound working relationship and became good friends even though
we did not do much socializing together.
I kept in touch with Dave from time to time during my two-year
‘sabbatical’—the period from when I left DocQnet until now. Even
though I had started Soak Tank Solutions which was still trading, I
had a lot of time on my hands. For much of the year, from January
2006, I’d spent writing this book and I was about to complete it, or
so I thought. I will address this interesting twist a little later. I was,
by this stage, pretty ‘brain dead’; I needed an intellectual challenge,
something new, something that would stretch me.
I knew that my destiny was to help greater humanity based on what
Laurence had told me when he did my astrological chart. He said the
second part of my journey was going to take place within a period of
about eight years from when I saw him in March 2004, and that it was
going to be something of a humanitarian nature. He wasn’t sure what
exactly it was going to be but it was to “help greater mankind”. All I
wanted to do was to begin this part of my journey, to do something
meaningful with my life, but it had only been two and a half years
since I’d seen Laurence, so perhaps the timing was not right.
I prayed for something challenging to do if the timing was not right

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for my greater purpose. The call from Dave was the answer to my
prayers and is what initiated, unbeknown to me at the time, the final
chapter of my ‘working career’.
Dave had left Unihold to join a relatively young and upcoming
company in the telecommunications sector as a shareholder and
their chief financial officer some six months earlier. The reason
for not disclosing the company’s name and the true nature of the
project that I am currently involved in is due to the fact that we had
not commercially launched this exciting new initiative at the time of
writing. Suffice to say, it’s a new venture that will have a huge impact
on telecommunications in South Africa and for this reason is still
regarded as extremely confidential.
When Dave called he asked if I was still wasting time doing “very
little” with my Soak Tank business. He said they had a new project
they wanted to launch. When I enquired as to what it was he told me
that he could not say as it was too confidential.
“How do I decide if it’s something that I want to do if I don’t know
what it is?” I asked Dave. This was classic James Bond dialogue straight
out of the movies. I asked Dave to document the type of activities and
skill sets that would be required to fulfil the role. A few days later I
received an email from Dave detailing this. I knew immediately that I
was going to get involved. You could not craft a better role for me that
included all my experience and knowledge of aspects such as sales, IT,
legal (contractual), project management, financial, corporate advisory
etc. We then arranged a meeting with the CEO of the company,
Alessandro, to discuss the project in more detail. I met with Dave and
Alessandro and as Alessandro began sharing his vision, I got more
excited. It was a strange experience—Alessandro and I clicked on a
different level immediately. Within ten minutes, he turned to me and
said, “Let’s do this together,” to which I responded, “Absolutely!” It just
felt right. We had not even discussed details such as the commercial
terms, i.e. what I was going to be paid, the duration of the project and
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My career—the final chapter
so on, but we were already partners in a project to make his dream
come true. I was the first employee of this company which is called
Dreamco and it was my responsibility to start the project and bring it
to reality. A daunting task, especially given the fact that I knew exactly
nothing about the telecommunications world, a very different world to
the IT world from which I’d come. But then again, remember lesson
85: ‘Be careful what you wish for as you might just get it’—what had I
wished for? Something new that would challenge me, something that
would stretch me. I was 45 years old at the time and would soon find
out that I needed a lot of elasticity in that old body to meet the stretch
that this project would require of me!
I started on 1 November 2006. It entailed a whole new learning
curve that was so steep I dared not look down. What we are planning
has not been done in South Africa so I’ve had to travel extensively
internationally to attend conferences, visit similar companies and
meet with prospective consultants and technology partners in order to
develop our strategy and business plan.
I know that my role in Dreamco is temporary and that within a
year from now I expect to have completed what I need to do. Then it
will be time to move into the next phase of my life and to fulfil my
purpose, a journey I can’t wait to begin.
Sadly, due to my extensive travel commitments at the time, I was
not there to say goodbye to Shayna who decided to move to London
in March 2007.
259

Shayna completed her A’ Levels at the British International College
in November 2006. It had always been part of her plans to move to
London at some time. The time was March 2007. Brad had also decided
to pursue his musical career in London as there were better prospects
there compared to South Africa. Jenny had a British passport so it was
easier to get Shayna a temporary residence permit. Brad already had
a British passport. They were set and excited to start the next chapter
of their lives.
The plan was that they’d both stay the first couple of weeks with
Shayna’s mom and then Brad would move into a place with a friend of
his who was also moving to London. It was a difficult time for Shayna;
she was excited about being closer to her mom, but sad to be leaving
her father, her brother and her friends. She was nervous about her
future as she is a natural-born worrier. It wasn’t easy for her.
A late planned trip to America was necessary for Alessandro and me.
It could not be postponed. It meant I had to say goodbye to my Shayna
before I flew to America. Perhaps with hindsight it was easier this way
for both of us?
When I returned home, she was gone. She left me a most amazing
and special letter:
Dear Dad
I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I honestly would
not have become the person I am today if it wasn’t for you, and
by this I am including the good and bad times we shared …
You have been more than a father and a friend; you have been
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The nest becomes emptier
a teacher and someone I could always rely on. I am comforted
in the fact that just because I am moving to another country
this bond will continue to grow …
It is much easier to become a father than to be one!
You have helped me grow into a hopefully mature young
woman with the right perception of life and what it holds
for me. I know in the beginning living with each other was
more than difficult but as I sit here typing this letter, it seems
surreal that I won’t continue to live with you! Not because of
the materialistic positives you are able to provide but because
of the life I led while I was with you; overall spiritually I know
YOU are still a place I call home!!!
Thank you for everything from the bottom of my heart.
I love you more than words can express and this letter can
convey!
I love you with all my heart
Shay
He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
—Clarence Budington Kelland
I burst into tears. I could not contain my emotion. It wasn’t that
I was tired from a long and exhausting trip, it just cut me up. I
could not have been more proud of Shayna of what and how she
wrote about our relationship and what I meant to her. Since then
I have probably read her letter at least 30 times and each time,
without fail, I am reduced to tears. Perhaps it is because we had
such a challenging time developing our relationship which has
now become so very close, or maybe she developed into the most
amazing soul. I don’t know why, I don’t mind, it is just special.
About a year later, Shayna provided me with the opportunity of
sharing an incredibly special and rewarding moment with her.
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Brett on the other hand excelled in his studies for his Bachelor of
Commerce (Marketing) degree. I am very proud of his results, his
work ethic, his study discipline and the leadership role he displayed
with his fellow students. He never failed a semester or a year and
received his degree at the end of 2006 achieving many distinctions. In
fact I worked out that in the three years of his degree he received on
average a distinction for more than 50% of the subjects he completed
over this same period. That takes some doing. His final results were
so good that he was invited to join a worldwide organization called the
Golden Key Club, an organization representing most of the universities
around the world and each year they invite the top 100 students from
each of the participating universities to join this elite club” This creates
a network of some importance and value. The top 100 students are
selected across all faculties in the university. Although Brett studied
for a Bachelor of Commerce degree his results were in the top 100
for the entire University of Johannesburg (formerly RAU). When
Brett told me, I realized that he in fact did not fully understand the
magnitude of his achievement.
In 2007, Brett was selected to for an honours degree in Strategic
Management for which he duly received two distinctions out of the
four subjects, just missing a further two distinctions in the other two
subjects by one and two per cent. It was almost cum laude, something
I believe he deserved and had worked so hard for.
Now that he was well qualified for the business world from an
academic point of view, it was only a question of time before he
departed the nest. Only, unlike Shayna, in Brett’s case he would have
to be pushed out as he was more than happy in dad’s cosy nest. There
is nothing like free board and lodging to create a squatter camp in
your own home.
I am truly blessed with all my children—each one is unique and
very, very, special.
262
A few months after Debbie and I had finally ended our journey together
I become involved in a relationship which was not that serious. It lasted
until December 2007. I had the most awesome time with Stevan over
the Christmas period that December. I was able to take some time
off and so he flew up to Johannesburg to spend Christmas and New
Year with me. It was just him and me. Brett had gone on holiday with
Lauren after having completed his honours degree. It was an incredibly
special time and one which allowed me the opportunity to share with
Stevan my spiritual beliefs and my value system. It was clear to me that
it made sense to him as he asked questions which showed his thinking
and enquiring mind, a very clever mind at that. I believe that the seeds
were sown for Stevan to begin his journey into this truly amazing and
rewarding spiritual realm.
On the work front I was still travelling extensively and working
hard. Alessandro and I had become very close. We shared very similar
spiritual beliefs and views. Alessandro is seven years younger than me
and strangely enough our journeys and experiences are fairly similar.
A lot of situations that he experienced since we met are identical to
those that I’d previously experienced. This has created a strong bond
of implicit trust, understanding and respect between us.
I still kept in contact with Gloria from time to time and on New Year’s
Day we shared a few SMS messages. One of her messages prompted
me to call her as I was not sure what she was saying. She was living
in Cape Town with her son Ken at the time. She was still struggling,
something that I battled to understand. She was my spiritual catalyst,
my first teacher, before I outgrew her teachings. I believe that this
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was because of a combination of factors: she had gone backwards in
the practice of her faith, so much so that I often scolded her for not
practising what she preached to me. On the other hand, I had grown
significantly in mine, my faith was strong and uncompromising. In our
subsequent telephonic discussion she told me she felt that the time was
right to share with me that her belief and understanding was that we
were meant to be together. She had to come back to Johannesburg. My
view, which I shared with her at the time, was that we were together
and always would be. She was a soulmate, my soulmate.
“No!” she said, “Not like that.” To make sure I understood what she
was saying I asked if she was telling me that we would be together as
partners, lovers.
“Yes,” she replied.
This blew my mind because I knew at the time that I loved her in the
same way you love your sister or brother. But, because I always believed
what Gloria had said on the spiritual front I did not immediately
dismiss it. I explained to her very clearly how I felt and also that I
believed in ‘what will be, will be’. She asked me to be open and to give
her a chance. She needed a substantial amount of money to relocate
so I said I would transfer the funds to her account. She had already
discussed the matter with her mom and had made arrangements for
her and Ken to move in with her. The discussion ended with me in
total confusion. What exactly was ahead of me and why?
On Tuesday evening, 15 January 2008, I had the opportunity to fly to
Cape Town on business. In a way I had engineered the trip as it would
allow me to meet up with Gloria and spend some time with her. I was
due to fly to the UK on the Saturday night for a week of business in
London and Manchester. I had not seen Gloria for a long time; in fact
the last occasion was many months before after her father had passed
away and she’d come to Johannesburg for the funeral. I was nervous
and apprehensive; my feelings were no different to those a few weeks
earlier. I guess I just had to go with the flow and trust my instinct. It
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was great spending time with her as I always enjoyed her very simple
and relaxed space. Some time ago, I had come to the conclusion that
I didn’t really understand or know ‘true love’. Perhaps I was never to
experience it so I resigned myself to the fact that I was incredibly lucky
to have someone like Gloria who truly loved me. Perhaps this was as
good as it got. She asked me to give her the opportunity to share her
love with me and in time I would learn to love her the same way. I
went with the flow and it was fine, comfortable. I was prepared to give
her the opportunity, I was thankful for it.
I helped Gloria organize her move, I paid to have her car properly
repaired for the trip back, I gave her all the financial support I could.
She was due to leave Cape Town on the Sunday, 27 January 2008.
On the second night I spent with Gloria she suddenly burst into tears.
It was out of the blue and caught me off guard. Eventually I managed
to get her to share her concerns with me. She said that I would soon
come to a point where I’d have to decide between her and another
woman. This woman would be very successful, a very powerful
woman, and I’d have to make a decision. I had already decided that I
should give the relationship with Gloria a go, so now I hear this? Does
this mean that I was to be tempted with infidelity again? “Oh God,
please give me a break, I thought I was done with this nonsense!” was
the first thought that crossed my mind. “I understand karma now, so
there is no need to test me. Why me God?”
I said I had no idea what she was on about and in a way I am kind
of pissed off that I’m always the last to know what I am going to do,
when I am going to do it and why I am going to do it! This is not
fair, this is my life—not too dissimilar to a pawn in a chess game with
no control over the moves being made or when it is appropriate to
sacrifice me for the greater good. Heck, I want to be the king because
the worst that can happen is you resign or get check-mated; you never
get sacrificed!
“Don’t worry,” she said, expanding further that I was about to embark
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on my overseas trip and by the fourth day I would know exactly what
I felt.
“Feel about what?” I responded.
“You will know,” was the extraordinarily helpful reply.
I flew to London on the Saturday night; the only reason why I flew
over the weekend was to spend the Sunday with Shayna and Brad.
Every opportunity I got to see them I took. It was great spending time
with them. They had just moved into a brand-new apartment together
and as always they were very happy together, even after five or six
years together.
Alessandro arrived in London on the Monday morning and we
spent two days in London before we travelled to Manchester. I was
due to spend three days there and Alessandro only two. The fourth
day of my trip was the Wednesday, the day I would know how I felt.
All day I was waiting for the feeling, the epiphany, the answer, but
nothing came. I did not feel any different towards Gloria than I had
on New Year’s Day. I loved her like a sister, nothing more. Then my
enquiring mind began to analyze: did she mean the fourth day of my
trip, that is, including the Sunday which was my personal time with
Shayna? Which would have meant today. Or did she mean the fourth
day of my business trip which would mean tomorrow? Given that
I had experienced no revelation today then it must mean the fourth
day of my business trip. I looked forward to tomorrow, the day of
discovery, the day of enlightenment.
On the next day, Thursday, 24 January 2008, late in the afternoon
just before Alessandro was due to depart, my phone began ringing.
We were part of a workshop in which I was actively involved, so it was
not possible to answer. My phone was on silent but I could see that
the call originated from a South African mobile phone. I assumed that
the caller would leave a message on my voicemail but no, the phone
started ringing again, the same number. No message this time either.
A few minutes later the phone rang again—same number. “Fool!” I
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thought. “Clearly I am not going to answer so leave a message.” No
message. A little later I received an SMS which I assumed was from
the voicemail service but being the inquisitive individual that I am, I
had to check. The SMS was from the same number. I had to read it, it
must have been urgent? It read:
Hi, I wonder if you remember me. It’s Irene Nieuwenhuizen,
we were at Sir John Adamson together. I believe you are in
London but I need to speak to you quite urgently. Please can
you call me asap.
Blow me down with a feather! She’d broken my heart so long ago and
then wonders if I remember her from school? The only woman that
ever broke my heart and I have to try and remember who it was?
As I was still in the workshop, I asked for indulgence from the
participants and quickly sent her a message telling her I was in a
workshop and would call her in an hour’s time. As we were walking
out Alessandro asked me if anything was wrong as it was unusual for
me to stop a meeting to send an SMS. We were with our host, Martyn.
As we stepped into the elevator I told them that I was gobsmacked,
that I’d received an SMS from the only woman who’d ever dumped
me, some 27 years ago, and she’d asked me to call her! They had a
good chuckle. I was surprised, excited, but nonetheless intrigued.
When the workshop ended I was taken by taxi to the hotel. During
the ride back I called Irene. She sounded exactly the same as she did
so many years ago. We exchanged very brief updates on what we’d
done since we’d last seen each other, news on our children, what we
were doing workwise etc. I did happen to mention that I’d taken a
sabbatical for the last two years and that during that time I had written
a book (remember I mentioned earlier that I believed I’d completed it
late in 2006). She seemed surprised and asked what it was about. My
response was that it was autobiographical but spiritual in its context
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and message. She told me she was a very spiritual person with a
particular gift for healing. She told me that she’d been spiritual from a
young age, that even in primary school she’d received communication
and messages. I was amazed. I never knew that, even when we were
high-school sweethearts she’d never said anything about it.
She now lived in KwaZulu-Natal but sometimes travelled to
Johannesburg for business. She told me she was currently in
Johannesburg and believed I’d be back in South Africa over the
weekend and would like to see me. She had planned to fly back to
Durban on Sunday morning. She didn’t say why she wanted to meet
me, nor did I ask.
“No problem we can meet for dinner on Saturday night,” I said.
She wanted to know what time and where, but I hadn’t thought that
far ahead. Minor detail could be sorted out when I was back. She didn’t
seem too pleased with that. We had to end the chat as I had arrived at
the hotel. I said I’d call her later. I did and we exchanged more news.
She said she had been married three times which made me feel okay
about my record of two failed marriages. It’s not often that I meet
anyone who has failed in marriage more than me so on those very
rare occasions, I allow myself a certain smugness. I know it’s a sign of
weakness, but fortunately the odds allow me to rarely expose this.
We exchanged a number of SMS messages that evening before I went
out to dinner with our hosts. Later that night, after much thought
trying to understand this weird scenario, I sent her an SMS asking
what made her contact me after 27 years?
Her response was: “My intuition, just had to.”
I then asked her for how long she’s had this intuition.
“1 week. x.”
I responded by saying something to the effect that it scared me.
“Don’t be. A bond can never be broken. Trust the universe. x.”
In that instant I realized that on the fourth day of my business
trip, I knew how I felt. I had no idea what the purpose of this new
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development was but I knew that I could not commit to Gloria in the
way she needed, in the way that she deserved. I had my answer.
The next day I flew back to London. The flight from Manchester
was delayed for three hours which reduced the chances of me making
my connecting flight from London to Johannesburg that evening. I
decided to send an SMS to Irene to advise her of this possibility, to
which she replied:
“No problem, I will delay my flight to see you if I have to.”
What exactly was so important that she had to see me? Was it good
news or bad news? I guess I would just have to wait to find out.
Fortunately I just made it in time, my suitcase was the first off the
baggage claim, I sprinted to the connecting terminal at Heathrow, a
long sprint but I was motivated to make it.
I arrived in Johannesburg early the next morning. I cannot sleep
on an aeroplane, not even when flying business or first class. I didn’t
have to worry about squandering money on a business-class bed—I
just didn’t sleep. Our project was being funded by seed capital so we
couldn’t afford such luxuries anyway.
When I got home I decided to have a shave; for me that meant two
shaves—face and head. I wanted to be at my shiny best when I met my
heartbreaker. I decided to call her and put her out of her misery—she
didn’t have to wait until that evening to see me. I offered to see her in
the next two hours if that suited her. I decided that I was incredibly
kind to indulge her when she’d so callously broken my heart 27 years
ago. Yeah sure, who are you kidding?
I drove to the house she uses in Johannesburg. As I drove up and saw
her it was like a flashback to 27 years before. I instantly remembered
why I’d been so madly in love with her. She looked different, but the
same. We embraced and my heart was racing. “Whoa boy! What if she
has bad news?” I thought, so I played it cool—simmered at 90° instead
of boiling at 120°. It’s called control.
We went inside and started talking. I asked her why she had contacted
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me, what was the reason? In summary, her story was that a few days
before in Durban she’d been ‘told’ to contact me. Now at the risk of
digressing, Irene is a very spiritual person, a very humble and obedient
servant of God. She is blessed to receive her communication in an
oral form. Where us lesser mortals have to trust our gut, our instinct,
our intuition to hear and interpret messages, she gets it from a ‘loud
hailer’, in words, spoken to her! How cool is that? It’s hard to screw
up interpretation or understanding if you are literally told what to do.
Not even I could fail on that basis! It’s not that I am jealous about her
gift. Okay I am, a bit, but I’ve learned to live with it.
When Irene initially received her instruction in KwaZulu-Natal, she
flew to Johannesburg. On the plane the same message was confirmed
to her. So she was told to contact an old friend, an author, a male from
her past and that she should do it “now”. Being the obedient servant
that she is, she set about this immediately. She didn’t know why, but
she never questions and always does what she is told. Parenthood
would be much simpler if we always got that right with our children!
She had kept in touch with most of her old school friends and ex’s
so she knew it wasn’t any of them, but for some reason my face was
prominent in her mind. She met up with her cousin, Barbara, and her
son, Brent, and started the search. Brent searched on the internet and
Barbara looked up all the Rices in the local telephone directory. She
then received a call from an ex whom she’d not heard from for many
years, someone that she’d hoped she’d never hear from again. But she
correctly decided that he wasn’t the ‘target’, but was just some loose
shrapnel flying about. Irene dialled the first Rice but no answer. She
didn’t recognize the second name so ignored it. She dialled the third
one and my son Brett answered. He was at home studying for his
honours degree. She explained that she was looking for an old friend,
Kevan, who had a sister, Linda. Brett said she was looking for his dad
and aunt and told her that I was in London on business and would be
back on Saturday morning. He gave Irene my mobile number which
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is when she started calling me. After the third unanswered call, she
called Brett again to ask if there were any time-zone differences as I
was not answering. He suggested that I might be in meetings it was
best to send me an SMS. That’s my boy! Sharp!
What confirmed everything for Irene was when I told her I’d
written a book. At least I believed I had completed my book at the
time so I guess it was reasonable for her to conclude that I was an
author. Not quite on the bestsellers’ list as I hadn’t published anything,
but nonetheless an author. When I told her I was spiritual as well, it
was Bingo! Game over! At the time, however, I was unaware I was
‘playing’, or was I ‘being played’? Perhaps the chess analogy is worth
mentioning again.
We spent hours talking, sharing our views and beliefs which are
identical—one and the same. The chemistry was still there; it had
never gone. We went out for dinner that night; we spent the next day
together. I discovered that Irene had endured a very similar journey to
mine, similar challenges, similar lessons. She had struggled financially
after the end of her first marriage: she had nothing, no financial support
and had battled to make ends meet, struggling to feed and clothe the
children. She’d worked hard, had two jobs to hold down but persevered.
She got involved in property (realty) and started to do really well. She
worked extremely hard and eventually started to make good money. She
moved from property sales to property development and today she is an
independently wealthy woman. She is extremely humble and believes
that all she has achieved are gifts from God. She shared stories of divine
interventions and guidance for property developments that at the time
nobody would have taken on. She was told what to do and obediently
followed the instructions. The results were her rewards, her gifts from
God.
Gloria was right with both of her predictions: on the fourth day
of my business trip I did know how I felt. It was also the very same
day that Irene contacted me, 24 January 2008; I would have to choose
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between her and a very successful and powerful woman. Irene is both
financially successful and spiritually powerful.
Irene and I were together again, 27 years later, for what purpose
though? I needed to know the reason and soon.
She delayed her flight from Sunday until the Monday, the same
Monday that Gloria was arriving in Johannesburg to be with me. I lay
awake on Sunday night and prayed to God for answers to my question
of what Irene and my purpose was together. I asked for a very specific
answer, a clear and unambiguous answer. I also asked God to confirm
to me that Irene and I were meant to be together as a couple. For this
I asked God for a clear message of confirmation, in fact, I told God
that confirmation of this would happen on Monday morning when
Irene told me that she loved me. I did not feel bad about demanding
an answer; God knew my intentions were pure and I had the pressing
issue of Gloria’s arrival to deal with. I wondered how I always managed
to get myself into these awkward situations. The first answer that
comes to mind was stupidity, but surely I can’t be that stupid? Maybe
I’m just a soft touch with a good and caring heart? But probably it’s a
strong combination of both.
Very early on Monday morning I went for a run with a friend. When I
got home I saw that I had received an SMS from Irene sent at 05h41:
Now I know … I am your gateway and you are my gateway
... to walk together … in, through and FOLLOW the spiritual
road together to LEAD others to an awakening to get to and
walk through the gate of the third dimension of body, soul and
spirit … and be one with GOD. xx opportunity to love me and hopefully I would learn to love her in the
Early that morning Irene had been meditating and praying for the
same answer that I was seeking; she received it and sent me the SMS.
I immediately understood that our purpose was to be together to do
spiritual work. I had known for sometime now that the second part
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of my journey was to help humanity in some way. I called her and we
had a brief chat to try and understand what the message specifically
meant, i.e. how exactly were we to go about doing this? Neither of us
had any understanding of the way forward but we agreed we had to
be patient.
I still wasn’t sure whether ‘together’ meant as spiritual partners only
or as true partners spiritually and physically. I had already prayed for
my answer the previous night and dictated the format I wished to
receive it in, so I waited. At 06h58 Irene sent me this SMS:
Being true to yourself is being true to others. Love yourself
and know I LOVE YOU. XXX
I was blown away. I got down on my knees and thanked God for giving
me the answer. I now knew exactly what I had to do. Irene flew back
to Durban later that morning. The previous day I had, at her request,
given her a copy of what I believed to be my completed manuscript,
this book. We kept in constant contact via SMS and telephonically. We
were like young kids in love again. It was an awesome feeling. Gloria
arrived safely at her mom’s house on the Monday evening but we
agreed we would get together the next day. She sensed that something
was not right; she always was very perceptive. I arranged to take her
to dinner the following evening. I prayed for guidance and wisdom to
say and do the right things. I felt terrible bringing hurt to Gloria, but
I was comfortable that I had never led her on. I’d kept telling her that
I wasn’t sure we were meant to be, but I was prepared to give her the
same way. Unfortunately she would not have that opportunity. I told
her that it wasn’t meant to be, that I did not love her in that way, that
it would not be fair to her. I couldn’t tell her about Irene at the time; it
just didn’t feel right. If she knew it or guessed it, she never let on. She
accepted it with grace and dignity. She is a very special woman.
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On the Wednesday night Irene sent me an SMS, actually many, but home again ‘cross the sea.
in this particular one she said she’d remembered our very first dance We are sailing stormy waters,
at party at my house, I think for my sister’s birthday. Irene was about to be near you, to be free.
14 and I was fifteen. While we were dancing I kissed her; for her it
was her first kiss ever. She said in her SMS that she thinks the song Oh Lord, to be near you, to be free.
had something to do with sailing but couldn’t remember who sang it. Oh Lord, to be near you, to be free,
When I read the SMS I immediately remembered it was ‘Sailing’ by Oh Lord.
Rod Stewart. I sent her an SMS to tell her but she’d switched off her
phone as she was going to sleep. The next day I looked up the lyrics: Written by Gavin Sutherland, performed by Rod Stewart
© Universal Music Publishing Group
Sailing
I am sailing, I am sailing, The lyrics gave me the cold shivers and tears at the same time. The
home again ‘cross the sea. words are so appropriate to our journeys. We were together, we became
I am sailing, stormy waters, separated, we endured difficult times, stormy waters. Our souls kept
to be near you, to be free. on calling out to each other; can you hear me even though you are far
away? Finally WE are sailing, we are together again, to be near you
I am flying, I am flying, Oh Lord, to be free. To do God’s work, together. It was for us another
like a bird ‘cross the sky. powerful confirmation of us being together and why.
I am flying, passing high clouds, On Thursday night I flew down to Durban to spend the weekend
to be with you, to be free. with Irene. She has an amazing house on a golf estate on the north
coast of KwaZulu-Natal. Her home has an amazing serenity about it.
Can you hear me, can you hear me It is a spiritual haven. I had managed to buy a DVD of Rod Stewart
thro’ the dark night, far away, performing ‘Sailing’ live in concert and that evening we played it and
I am dying, forever trying, danced to it, and kissed just like we had so many years before.
to be with you, who can say. Like me, Irene had been involved in many relationships, mostly
difficult ones. As I said to her that evening: “My first kiss must have
Can you hear me, can you hear me, been great as it ruined you for life; you had to go and kiss many frogs
thro’ the dark night far away. to realize that I was your prince.”
I am dying, forever trying, I was not comfortable calling Irene by her first name, everyone does.
to be with you, who can say. I decided to call her Angel, because as you will discover she is an angel,
she is my angel, she is everyone’s angel.
We are sailing, we are sailing, We spent a lot of time learning more about each other and our

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journeys. She had finished reading my book and gave many different
examples of the similarities in our lives, like we had lived parallel lives.
Her behaviour, idiosyncrasies, likes and dislikes are identical to mine.
It’s like being with another me, a much prettier one though. I told her
that there was absolutely no doubt that, just as we get twins in human
form, we get twin souls in spiritual form and that she was my twin
soul.
Everything I had ever asked God for in a partner was given to me.
I had been very specific in my request about the many attributes I
expected and Irene was all of them, and more. But as I’ve said before,
God has a sense of humour. My biggest dislike is smoking, however, I
did not specifically state to God that my ideal partner should be a non-
smoker: heck! He would have known that. So God just had to show
off his sense of humour and give me a chain-smoker!
Equally, everything Irene had ever asked God for in a partner she
now found in me, however, she does not like alcohol or drinking,
something she also failed to state to God and I do plenty of that! God
also showed Irene His sense of humour. God is fair, don’t you think?
I thought much about why we’d only reconnected 27 years later?
Why did we not stay together and get married way back then? I believe
it was because we had to have that initial connection, to allow us to
recognize it immediately so many years later. We had to travel our own
journeys, to learn our lessons and pay our karma and only when we
had completed these, were we to be reunited to pursue God’s purpose
for us, together.
The following week, Irene asked me to go and see Lillian, a
clairvoyant friend of hers. Irene had known her for some time and
Lillian knew and understood the many challenges and difficulties that
Irene had endured. I said I would do so but on condition that Irene
did not tell Lillian anything about me. Our relationship was only a
week old anyway so Lillian wasn’t even aware it. I called and made
an appointment, giving only my first name. My appointment was set
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for 7 February 2008, exactly two weeks from the day that Irene had
made contact with me. Lillian is an Egyptian whose primary method
of sharing information is to read the remnants of the coffee ‘leaves’
from a cup that you have drunk from. The coffee she uses is black and
very strong but reasonably sweet in taste. The following is a summary
of what happened, but I have only highlighted the more important
aspects. I would like to stress that I never gave her any information
while she was sharing her reading with me. I mostly kept quiet, neither
agreeing or disagreeing. After I’d drunk most of the coffee she turned
the cup over, face down, onto the saucer. She then tried to separate the
cup from the saucer but found it difficult to do so. She smiled at me
and said: “This is a sign of new love, less than two weeks’ old; you feel
like a 16-year-old again.” In point form, this is what she said:
• I had been married twice, each marriage had lasted about seven
years.
• Neither marriage was a happy one.
• I had four children, two from each marriage.
• From my first marriage:
o one of the children is living with me, one was overseas.
o that I’d had a brief affair during the first marriage.
o that I’d left my first wife to marry another woman.
o I recently saw my child overseas.
• Relating to me:
o very clever.
o very generous, with a good heart.
o I have been fair to all my ex’s, girlfriends included, which is why
God blesses me financially.
o I am very powerful inside. I need to/must communicate to lots of
people. She asked if I had any hobbies such as art or painting. She
was trying to identify what it was that I could do to communicate
to people (she did not know about my book, which at the time I
thought was finished).
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• I had met my soulmate before my first marriage and she would
come into my life now, if not ialready (i.e. the new love she spoke
about). She said our lives had come together and she showed me the
most unbelievable picture created by the coffee remains: a very clear
picture of a heart. She said we would have a great future and lots of
happiness together.
During this time, I had not said a word. She simply read the cup and
spoke. I was amazed because everything she had said was accurate,
exactly what it was or is. I then told her about my book and she got
excited because she hadn’t been able to identify the medium from
which I needed to communicate. She looked at the cup again and said:
“I see another two books.” That was not what I wanted to hear. I’d
never had any aspiration to write a book, never. In January 2006, I just
knew I had to write, why I did not know. It was extremely difficult
and sometimes painful to write this book ... so another two books?
After the reading she asked if I have any specific questions. My
response was no but I felt I should share with her how accurate
her reading was so I quickly went through the aspects. At the end I
acknowledged that I had met my soulmate before I’d got married the
first time, and yes, I fell in love again less than two weeks before, and
yes, it was with my soulmate.
“That’s wonderful,” she said.
“You know her, it’s Irene.”
With that she burst into tears. I didn’t know what to do, how to
comfort her across the table but she said she was alright; she was just
so happy for Irene. She had travelled a long road with Irene so she
knew the issues that Irene had had to deal with. She also knew what
a wonderful, loving, caring and generous soul Irene is and just how
much Irene deserved love and happiness.
As much as I had been amazed by my astrological reading done by
Laurence a few years ago, so too was I about Lillian’s reading of my
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coffee cup. I had also had occasion to have my palm read a year or
two prior to this reading and Clive, the palm reader, told me the exact
same things about my life, my personality, my experiences and my
being at the time. I subsequently saw two other psychic readers who
were also spot on. I have had five different forms of readings from five
unrelated people. How is it that they were all so accurate?
I got to meet Irene’s two sons, Brent and Kyle. It was mind-blowing
for me as they are identical in their personalities and behaviour to my
two eldest, Brett and Shayna. Brent was born about a year before Brett,
followed by Kyle and Shayna. Brent is a very mature, responsible,
dependable young man who shuns night-life and similar activities.
Shayna is identical to him, so much so that when she met him in
March 2008, she actually said to Brent that he should have been her
brother, not Brett. On the other side of the scale you have Brett and
Kyle, who are both designer-label freaks, image conscious, have to be
seen at the right places, in the right car with the right clothing. They
are two peas in a pod. Freaky? It was so easy adapting to Brent and
Kyle; I dealt with them in the same way as I do Brett and Shayna. I
have developed a fantastic relationship with both of them; there is no
doubt that we all enjoy each other’s space.
Likewise for Irene, my children absolutely adore her. Stevan took to
Irene from the very first day. He never speaks openly to anyone yet
there he was, my 14-year-old (going on 20) teenager quietly sharing
lots of personal stuff with her shortly after they met each other. I just
stood back, watching with my mouth open, wondering how this was
happening. Stevan and Jamie compete for her love and attention, so
much so that I can’t even get near her. I often tease them by telling
them that Irene is my girl and they should get their own!
All the kids like each other and get on well together. We are literally
and figuratively, one big happy family. Irene and I have six kids
together, not four and two respectively, but six together.
One of the most rewarding lessons I have learned from being with
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Irene is to have learned about ‘true love’. To be with a person you trust
so implicitly and deeply, to be with someone who loves you so much
that you feel that love, that warmth, all the time. I thought I would
never know true love, but I do now.
I have also learned how to love unconditionally. I thought I had
learned it previously, but armed with my current understanding, I
know I have only learned it since being with Irene.
I also learned to use what we believe to be God’s true name and
Jesus’s true name, in our prayers and communication. I want to stress
that as I have detailed in the chapter entitled ‘A summary of my spiritual
beliefs and understandings’ it does not matter what name you choose
to use. In Hebrew the true name of God is YHWH (pronounced ‘Ya-
Weh’) and the true name of Jesus is YHSWH (pronounced ‘Yah-Shu-
Wah’).
What we have also learned to do together is to pray aloud, something
neither of us had ever done before. One day I will lead the prayer and
the next day Irene will. We try our best to do this together every single
day. Our prayer generally follows a very similar pattern, but is adapted
to suit any particular need, issue or concern that we have in our lives
needing guidance on or would like to pray for on somebody else’s
behalf. An example of our prayer is provided at the end of the chapter
entitled ‘My Angel’s prayers’.
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I really wanted Shayna to meet Irene as soon as possible. My sons had
met Irene but not Shayna. So I arranged for her to fly from London
to Johannesburg over the Easter period. She landed at OR Tambo
International airport in Johannesburg and I met her, hugged her and
promptly whisked her off to the domestic departures terminal where
we boarded an plane to Durban. We drove from there to meet Irene
on the north coast of KwaZulu-Natal. Stevan and Jamie also joined us.
It was wonderful for the kids to see each other again as Shayna is close
to Stevan and Jamie.
We had a fantastic time together. Shayna loved the space and she got
on really well with Irene. Shayna is a spiritual person, always seeking a
greater understanding. Irene spent a lot of time with her, teaching her
about crystals, healing and how to pray and ask God for answers. On
the Sunday morning they were upstairs in Irene’s crystal room and
apparently Shayna started enquiring about baptism. I was downstairs
in the kitchen preparing breakfast when Shayna came down.
“Dad, can I ask you a favour?” she asked
“Sure, sweetheart.”
“Will you please baptize me?”
For a second I was speechless. I looked at her and noticed Irene
standing behind her, looking at me, smiling and nodding her head. I
am not sure why, but I said: “Of course I will, it will be my honour.”
What did I know about baptizing anyone? I had never done this
before, I had no idea how and where to start but somehow I had already
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committed myself to doing so. I asked Irene for help so she found all
the relevant scriptures in the Bible while I told them all that I needed
some quiet time to pray and meditate. I went into the bedroom and
got on my knees and prayed to God for guidance and wisdom. I read
all the scriptures several times. I memorized the questions I needed
to ask Shayna and the words I should say, which Irene had written
down for me. After a while we went outside and Shayna and I got into
the freezing-cold pool together and I baptized her. It was the most
special, amazing feeling, not just because I had somehow been given
this special privilege to baptize someone, but because that someone
was my beloved daughter. How blessed am I?
A week or so later back in Johannesburg I went to see a dermatologist
about a growth in the left side of my neck, just below my ear and next
to my jaw. It had become a little larger over the last few months and it
was a little itchy. The doctor said it was probably a cyst of some sorts
and nothing to worry about. I left there feeling uncomfortable so I
decided to make an appointment with my doctor, a general practitioner.
When she felt it she said I should see this specialist who was regarded
as one of the best in his field.
When I eventually got to see him he felt it and said straight away that
it appeared malignant but, even if it wasn’t, it had to be removed. Either
way he had to operate. He said he would do a biopsy immediately
and send it for testing. He hauled out his needles and tricks of the
trade. I decided to let him know that I normally need a fair bit of
local anaesthetic as for some reason my body does not react to it too
well. He simply told me that by the time he was finished injecting me
with local anaesthetic it would be just as painful as doing it without it.
Without further ado he stuck this long needle into my neck without
bothering about the local. Damn, was that painful! He jigged about
and extracted what he needed and promptly confirmed his initial
diagnosis that it was malignant, based on the fact that he could now
‘feel’ it. We then sat down and he explained the operation to me.
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He would cut me from the top of my left ear in the front, down to
the bottom of my ear, back round to the back of my ear, down my
neck and around towards my throat, ending up at my Adam’s apple.
He showed me some pictures which were pretty gross. He said that
the operation took between four and five hours as it was microscopic
surgery and they had to work around all the facial nerves which are
located on the side of your neck. He said that there was a risk of total
facial paralysis but it was unlikely, but there was a high risk of some
permanent paralysis to some of the nerves which might affect your
lips. In fact, he said that there would be a 90% chance of my suffering
permanent paralysis of my bottom lip. I asked him “if this was the bad
news, then is the good news the fact that you are going to give me an
anaesthetic for the operation?” He laughed, which to me was a good
sign as I’d hate to have offended him as I was shortly to place my life,
and my looks, in his hands. Some doctors just don’t like smart asses.
The tests were sent off for analysis and a few days later I was back to
see him to see how clever he was. Very clever, it turns out. I had what is
a fairly rare form of cancer (how surprising, nothing mainstream ever
for me), called adenoid cystic carcinoma. He sent me down for some MRI
scans and I returned with the results a little later. He told me he wanted
to operate in the next couple of days. I asked him what would happen
if I chose not to have the operation but he simply said it would not be
a smart move. Based on the analysis and scans it was a very aggressive
form of cancer and would only take a few months before moving into my
brain. He said I had two options: I could have the operation or I could
have the operation. Clearly he believed he was not only blessed with the
gift of being a top-class surgeon, but he also fancied himself as being a
comedian. I had to laugh—it was compulsory as I was always going to be
on the wrong side of the scalpel.
He said the operation would be to remove my primary salivary gland
as well as the lymphatic nodes in my neck. He also told me that after
the operation I would have to undergo neutron-beam therapy for a
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few weeks, which apparently is worse than chemotherapy. There was
only one clinic that handled this as it was based on nuclear technology
and the only place in South Africa with the facility is next to Koeberg
Power Station, a nuclear facility near Cape Town. I would also have
to undergo a substantial amount of physiotherapy. I decided to wait
a week. I wanted to go down to the north coast with Irene for the
weekend and I needed to see Stevan and Jamie to tell them about the
operation.
All this time Irene was with me; she knew the score. We discussed
the situation at length; I said that the only reason I could think of
why I was facing this challenge was to test my faith. I said if that were
the case then I was up for the challenge. I said that I would have the
operation and I would undergo physiotherapy. I said I would not need
neutron-beam therapy, nor would I have any paralysis on any part of
my face. I would be clear of cancer after the operation. That was my
statement of faith on which I would never waiver. I can honestly say
that I was never worried about the situation—my faith was strong; it
was unwavering.
That evening Irene and I went out for dinner. She suggested I start
eating more healthily and take some supplements. I have never really
followed a healthy and balanced diet. I am a red-meat and potatoes
man and only eat vegetables when my mother is around, which is
almost never. I can easily consume a kilogram of biltong in a week. I
definitely watch what I eat—how else do you avoid doing damage to
your face with a fork? I also enjoy my Oude Meester brandy and Coke
(liquid form, not the powder variety)—proper Coke, not the tasteless
diet versions. I rejected her suggestion out of hand. I said that if this
were a test of faith and I changed my eating and drinking habits, then
how would I know whether it was my faith or my diet that had won
the day? Nonsense, I was not about to change anything, I was going to
show my body who was boss, with my faith alone!
We went to the north coast for the weekend and on the Saturday
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morning I sat down with Stevan, Jamie and Annie to explain that I
was going have an operation but all would be fine. Earlier in the week
I’d phoned Annie to tell her and how I needed to sit with the boys to
explain it. So it was not a surprise to her. After telling the boys they
went to get their things for the weekend and Annie asked to speak
to me. She asked me, just in case something happened, whether my
assets were still in a trust for the kids and whom should she contact? I
was speechless. I suppose I should never have expected anything less
from her but I am an optimist so I live in hope that someday she will
see the light. Her greatest challenge and lesson is learning to deal with
greed, power and money. I pray regularly for her, I pray that she is able
to make the right choices.
We returned to Johannesburg and I went in for the operation. I had
already spoken to the surgeon and made him promise that he would not
touch any facial nerves, irrespective of whether they were cancerous
or not. I told him he could remove anything but if there was cancer
in the nerves then my faith would cure it. He agreed and I trusted
him to honour his word. Eventually after waiting all day, 12 hours in
fact, I was admitted. I came out a few hours later and Irene and Brett
were waiting for me. Irene wanted to stay the night but I chased her
home. She was worn out and needed rest. She tried to argue but I am
a stubborn fool at the best of times and, powered by morphine, I was
at the top of my game.
I woke up in the middle of the night and my bottom lip was not
co-operating. In fact, it was like it wasn’t there—a bit like civil service
employees, you see them but they do nothing. I was angry, I wanted to
call the surgeon but I did not have his number. I wanted to call Irene
but I did not want to wake her. So I waited, plotting how I would
tackle the surgeon. Being full of drips and drains and having other
interesting attachments restricting my movement was not going to
deter me. I was going have my shot at him.
Irene arrived early in the morning and immediately told me that
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the surgeon had told Brett and her to assure me that he had not cut
any nerves but had worked around them so I would experience some
temporary paralysis of my bottom lip, which would hopefully only last
a couple of months.
After another four days in hospital I was eventually allowed home.
The next day we flew to Durban to spend a week on the north coast
to recuperate. When we returned to Johannesburg I went to see the
surgeon. He had received the results from the post-operation analysis
and biopsies. He was pleased to tell me that I would not need neutron-
beam therapy. I knew that already so did not share in his delight. I
felt like saying “I told you so” but decided to behave myself and keep
quiet. I underwent intensive physiotherapy for the next few months.
I have since been back for check-ups and I am clear. I have no cancer.
I have no paralysis of any facial muscle, just a long scar to remind me
how strong my faith is. There is no doubt that the prayers I received
from my loved ones and friends helped contribute to the healing but,
to me, this test was about my faith.
I recently performed my second baptism. Kyle’s best friend, Eva,
asked me to baptize her. Eva is like a daughter to Irene so it was very
special that we all shared as a family. As I said, I am truly blessed.
I know that I have passed the test of my faith. I believe that this
has now opened the door to the most exciting and rewarding journey
for Irene and me. We have proven ourselves to be loyal, faithful and
obedient servants to God, YHWH. We are now able to fulfil the
role and purpose that He planned for us so long ago. Eventually, we
made the right choices. We are not a victim of circumstance, we create the
circumstances from the choices we make.
I have been told by many spiritual people that I am a teacher, a healer.
I guess I never really understood or accepted that huge responsibility
until now. I am extremely humbled and thankful for this opportunity
to work as a servant of YHWH, in His name and for His glory.
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I suppose this is the part where it gets really interesting, forcing myself
to write down what I believe in, and why. I want to stress from the
outset that these are my beliefs, my faith. I do not for one second claim
it to be the only truth, but it is my truth. At the time of writing this
book I have not read the Bible in its entirety or, for that matter, a single
spiritual book. Why I have not read a spiritual book, I do not know.
Many times I have tried to buy one from a bookshop and I’d wander
around looking but never felt attracted to a book. I cannot and do not
claim to be knowledgeable in the world of theology. What I have come
to believe is based on my experiences, my interactions with religion,
various churches and different people. I have cobbled this all together
to create a clear picturer and story that makes sense to me. To make
sense to me it must be logical, it must be simple, it must be factual and
finally and most importantly, it must resonate with me, and by me, in
my gut, in my soul.
The biggest problem I have with most religious people is their blind
belief that their views, their faith and their truth are the only way. If
this were true then surely we would all believe in exactly the same
things? Nobody, and I mean nobody, can actually prove their religion
and/or faith to be the only truth. If this were possible then surely by
now this would have been done, but it hasn’t and it never will. I have
no problem in debating issues and accepting other points of view, but
if they do not resonate with my gut then I don’t accept them. That
does not mean they are wrong, simply someone else’s view. Tolerance
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for others is not a natural human approach, and is something that took
me a long time to learn and accept.
There is a God, but only one God
I believe there is a God, there is only one God. I believe he is called
by different names by different peoples and sects. Some call him God,
some Allah, some Jehovah; it does not matter what you choose to call
Him—what matters is that you believe in Him. My belief in God is
the only thing that I believe ‘in faith’. Nobody can prove that there
is a God and nobody can prove that there is not a God. For every
argument you put forward to prove or disprove His existence there is
an equally strong counter-argument. I believe there is a God, there is
only one God.
I believe that God created the Universe, as we in our limited way
know and understand it. If He were capable of creating our known
Universe then surely He is capable of creating other universes?
Whether He has or not, I don’t know, but I believe it is possible and
more likely probable.
I believe there is a heaven which is our goal and final destination but
first we have to earn our right to be there.
Earlier, I spoke of our use of God’s true name, YHWH, and Jesus’s
true name, YHSWH, which originated from the Hebrew language. If
you would like to do some research I suggest you visit the following
websites:
http://www.yhwh.com/Cross/cross22.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yahweh
http://www.hiscovenantministries.org/yhwh.htm
The Bible
I believe in the Bible, I believe it is a kind of roadmap for us to follow and
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learn from. I do not believe that it is totally accurate as it is a collection
of the works of different ‘authors’, put together at some later stage by
‘publishers’. The works were written over substantial periods of time
and in different languages. In the translations and interpretations you
will find huge areas for potential error. The bottom line is that you
must read and interpret the Bible, and what resonates with your gut is
what you accept and believe in. Too many times I have heard preachers,
priests and pastors claim that God has given them an interpretation and
understanding of various passages in the Bible. How do you know that
God actually did that? I could equally claim that God has given me
my understanding of life; does that mean you must believe everything
exactly as I have written it? No, if whatever anyone says resonates with
your gut and makes sense to you, then internalize it and believe in it.
Multiple journeys/soul lessons/karmic debts
I believe that each one of our lives, our total journeys, have been
preordained by God. It is clearly mapped out with the start and the
destination. The route we take is entirely dependant upon the choices
we make. In simple terms, we have a starting point, e.g. Johannesburg
and a finishing point, e.g. Cape Town. How we get to Cape Town,
i.e. what route we take, and how long it takes us, is a result of the life
choices we make when confronted with different situations. I believe
that God has a unique plan for each and every one of us, but He allows
us the freedom of choice on how we choose to live it.
I believe we all have multiple journeys. By this, I mean that we do
not just live once on Earth and then die and either go to heaven or hell.
I believe we each have to learn many different lessons, and we have
to learn each and every one of them regardless. These lessons can also
be called soul lessons or life lessons. Exactly how many journeys we
have to experience is something I do not know—perhaps somewhere
between 30 and two hundred. Whether this is true and/or accurate
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is not important; what is important is that the number of journeys
we undertake is entirely up to us. If we learn our lessons quickly and
do not create karmic debt for ourselves, we will ‘graduate’ in fewer
journeys.
So what exactly is karmic debt? It is the negative things we do in each
journey—for example: theft, murder, hatred, cruelty etc. We each have
our own personal log books, known as our Akashic Records, which
is a record of every thought, word or action we have ever had. These
karmic debts are therefore recorded; we have to pay the ‘negatives’
back and clear the slate in order for us to finally reach our ultimate
objective—heaven.
The concept of karmic debt makes sense to me and addresses the
issue I brought up in the chapter entitled ‘Growing up’, the issue of a
murderer who genuinely feels remorse before he dies but also accepts
God in his life. This is all well and good but the debt is recorded and
will have to be paid for in future journeys, so there is no getting off
scot-free.
I like to simplify things, so my analogy for our multiple journeys and
soul lessons, can best be described as trying to graduate from school. We
have to go through multiple grades (journeys), starting in grade 1 and
graduating in grade 12. During each grade, we have different subjects
(soul lessons) that we have to pass but if we fail, we have to repeat
the subject (learn the lesson). I do not believe that we follow a fixed
sequence of the curriculum, e.g. I might have to learn the soul lesson of
jealousy in the early part of my journey, perhaps grade 2, but you may
only need to learn this lesson in the later part of your journey, perhaps
grade 8. However, we all need to learn the soul lesson of jealousy sooner
or later.
A big difference between my school analogy and real life is that when
we fail the subject, i.e. we do not learn the soul lesson, we have to repeat
the lesson and each time we repeat it the lesson becomes more difficult
and the consequences of failure worse. Take a moment to consider this
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in your own life or someone else’s life. Have you ever noticed how
sometimes the same sort of trouble or difficulty is experienced over
and over again—like history repeating itself? Take the soul lesson of
substance abuse and dependency as an example; each time that person
is meant to learn the lesson, i.e. overcome the habit, and does not, the
next time they repeat the lesson it seems that much more difficult and
the consequences that much worse. They suffer and struggle more,
and lose more, such as family, friends, assets etc. Until such time that
the soul lesson has been learned, it will have to be repeated and if it is
not learned on that particular journey (i.e. this current life on earth),
then it will have to be repeated in the next journey(s).
So what soul lessons do we need to learn? I am not sure what the
definitive list is, but a good idea of what the lessons are can be found
by reading the ‘roadmaps’ we have been provided with in the Bible,
the Torah, the Koran etc.
Besides the original Ten Commandments, if we put our mind to it,
it is not that difficult to compile a quick list of these soul lessons and to
stimulate our own thought process. I suggest the following examples:
• substance abuse and dependency/addiction (to alcohol, drugs,
cigarettes, medication, gambling etc.)
• commitment
• humility
• jealousy
• rejection
• infidelity
• trust
• to love unconditionally (partners, spouses, parents, children
etc)
• not to judge (non-judgemental)
• finances/debt (to manage this)
• greed
• poverty
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The key to my understanding of these soul lessons is that we all have
to learn them; no exceptions for anyone.
Choices, we have to make them
Throughout our journey we will be faced with hundreds of situations
where we have to make a choice. The choice we make influences our
journey. For each choice there are always consequences—some good,
some bad. What is important to understand is that God will never
make your choice for you: only you can do that. Not making a choice
is in fact a choice, as you choose not to make a choice. There is nothing
wrong with praying to God for guidance but understand, if He wanted
to make the choice for you, He wouldn’t have bothered putting you in
a position to choose!
Another simple analogy I use is that our journey is like a game of
snakes and ladders. The ultimate objective is to reach to the top, left-
hand block, block number 100. The roll of the dice is like our choices;
if we make the correct choice, we climb the ladder and move up.
However, if we make the incorrect choice, we fall down the snake.
Jesus Christ, our perfect role model
I have clearly stated that I believe in God (YHWH) and I believe in
the Bible; in an earlier chapter I mentioned that I had once become a
reborn Christian. I would like to confirm that I do believe in Jesus
Christ (YHSWH). I believe Jesus is the son of God, just as I am a son
of God, just as you are. My understanding of what Jesus represents is
perhaps a little different to how other people perceive Him. I believe
Jesus is the role model of what we should aspire to be and how we
should live our lives. He was perfection, He managed to achieve in
one ‘human’ lifetime what we cannot do, what we need multiple
lifetimes (journeys) to accomplish. There is not a single human being
who has ever lived t a Christ-like life in one journey, because it is not
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possible. God gave us Jesus so that we have direction, an example by
which to live our lives, and to make the choices He did. Once we
have successfully learned all our soul lessons and paid back our karmic
debts we will graduate to become a true angel of God, based in heaven,
providing guidance to others who are still on their journeys.
Earth is hell, hell is Earth
I don’t believe there is a fiery hell as such; I believe that Earth is our
hell. To me this makes much sense as there is not a person who has
ever lived a ‘perfect’, easy life. Everyone has their own drama and
challenges to deal with. It doesn’t matter if someone is enjoying a
life of financial comfort because there are other soul lessons to learn,
creating their own problems and difficulties. So if we keep on coming
back to this tough life to learn and grow our souls, if it’s meant to be a
difficult challenge each time, and we have to repeat these lessons if we
fail, then could this not be a version of hell?
Soul ages
As we learn the soul lessons on our multiple journeys, our souls
mature. Joya Pope wrote in her book, The World according to Michael,
that there are five levels of soul-ageing or maturity, namely: infant,
baby, young, mature and old. She goes on to say that within each of
these five ages there are seven levels as well, e.g. a third-level young
soul. The concept of soul ages makes sense to me and generally I am
now able to recognize the possible soul age (age only, not level) of
most of the people I spend time with. The interesting challenge that
soul ages can represent to us is the scenario where a child might be a
mature soul and a parent a young soul. In fact, I know a family where
this is the case.
What is important is that it does not matter whether you are a young
or old soul as it does not make you any better or any worse. At school,
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did it matter to you that someone else was in grade 2 when you were in
grade 6 or vice versa? No, the other person is merely younger or older
than you, which does not make them any better or worse. All we need
to do is to try and identify the soul lessons we are meant to be learning
and learn them as soon as possible.
As important, if not more so, is to learn not to be judgemental. This is
an extremely difficult challenge as it is natural to judge other people. We
judge their behaviour, their looks, their dress sense, their relationships,
their personalities. There is hardly a person around who does not voice
their opinion about, and judge, other people. When you’re driving
in your nice fancy car and you are stopped at the traffic lights and a
beggar approaches asking for money, what thoughts cross your mind?
Sometimes pity, sometimes irritation, or you think they should get off
the streets and get a proper job? Most people have negative thoughts
about such people, but perhaps consider that this person might be an
old soul learning the soul lesson of humility. Interesting perspective
isn’t it? Probably one of the most enlightened attributes to have as a
human being is to be non-judgemental: to accept that everyone is a
unique soul growing and developing and that we all have exactly the
same soul lessons to learn. What another soul might be learning right
now is something that you might have already learned, or perhaps will
only learn in future journeys. We are no different at our core; we are
only different in the levels of our learning and knowledge.
Soul families/soul genders/karmic relationships
I believe that, just as we have human families, we also have soul
families. Soul families give us a common bond and link to each other.
We tend to gravitate to one another. You will find the friends and
family members that you feel closest to generally share similar values
and beliefs as your own. There is a good chance they share a common
soul family with you, as the soul bond is far stronger than any other.
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I also believe that in each of our journeys, our roles and even our
genders, also change. If God is of no specific gender and we are created
in God’s image, then surely our souls have no specific gender either? On
Earth we have genders so in our earthly journeys we have to conform to
that, but inherently I do not believe we have a specific gender.
I believe that we sometimes experience a connection with another
person that we can’t always explain. It’s like you know them but you
cannot recall when and where you met. I understand this to be a karmic
connection, which simply means that in another journey your paths
were linked in some way: your souls are recognizing each other. Gloria
and Roxy are very real examples of this in my own life. I instinctively
knew them and understood them and within days of our relationships
starting it seemed as though we’d been together for a long time.
How does each journey begin?
I believe that before we are physically born, we know what soul
lessons we need to learn and what karmic debts to pay. We have a clear
understanding of what we are setting out to achieve. Depending on
what soul lessons we need to learn, we are given appropriate bodies,
genders and environments that will facilitate our journeys. As I’ve said
earlier, our journey is preordained by God and planned to absolute
perfection.
I believe our souls only take possession of the foetus when it is
about three months’ old. Why three months? I am not sure, but to
me it seems the most logical time as a foetus at that stage is taking
a human form. When we are physically born we lose all knowledge
and memory of our journey and its purpose. This also makes sense
because, if we knew beforehand what we had to deal with and the soul
lessons to be learned, then we’d be well prepared to learn them. They
are soul lessons, therefore we have to learn them with our souls and not
our heads.
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How does each journey end?
Obviously each journey ends with the death of the human vessel used
for the journey. What I always struggled to understand and accept is
why some people who have lived exemplary lives, might die at relatively
young ages. Some Christians claim that God does not take lives, that
Satan does such horrible things. This does not make sense: that God
would allow someone like Satan (if he exists that is, but I will address
this later) to take one of His children when that person was destined
for heaven anyway. If God wanted that soul to leave Earth, then surely
He would do that himself and not rely on a ‘hit man’ like Satan to do
His dirty work for Him.
So having said this, my belief is very simple: Once we have learned
our soul lessons and paid back our karmic debts, why would we want
to hang around? Using my school analogy: if we are able to pass the
grade after the first term, why would we want to sit in that class for
the rest of the year? Wouldn’t we want to graduate and move on? Also,
if Earth is actually our hell and not meant to be easy, then why would
we want to stay here? I believe that if we have graduated from this
journey, then God removes us to prepare us for our next.
Obviously it’s sad when someone close to you dies, but to me I feel the
person is lucky as I assume that he/she has graduated and has therefore
achieved his/her objectives. So I am comfortable when someone dies
at a young age; perhaps that person only had one or two soul lessons
to learn on the journey and did so. Good for them!
But there are other roles that God has for other souls, which require
them to live a long and full life. I think Nelson Mandela is one such
soul. For him to become the world icon and inspiration to millions of
people that he is, he had to endure a very hard life. What he has achieved
as a result of his journey is absolutely amazing. Mother Theresa is
another example of this role that God has provided us with.
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Déjà vu—links to previous journeys
The literal meaning of the French term déjà vu is ‘already seen’. It
can be best described as an overwhelming feeling or familiarity with
something that shouldn’t be familiar to you at all. There are many
different theories as to why we have these experiences but I believe it
is a flashback to a previous journey.
The best piece of advice you could ever receive
Life is so incredibly confusing and difficult. We have so many different
religions, beliefs, faiths and spiritual views in the world. Christianity
on its own has many different sects or denominations. People create
war and death based on their spiritual beliefs and faiths. So many of
our written ‘roadmaps’, such as the Bible, the Torah and the Koran,
have been subject to uncounted different interpretations by different
spiritual and religious leaders. So what must we believe in? How do
we know who to listen to?
On the one and only occasion in my life that I asked someone for
advice, I received the best piece of advice ever. I mentioned it in an
earlier chapter when I phoned Laurence while trying to make sense of
my confusion with my relationships with Gloria and Debbie. What he
said was that whatever decision I make, I must trust my gut, not my
head. He said the gut is your soul, your spirit that talks to you and no
matter what, you must always listen to it.
Right now, if you reflect on your own life and think of the important
decisions that you made instinctively, i.e. with your gut as opposed to
your head, I’ll bet the best decisions were the gut ones.
So the gut decision is the right decision, always. But there’s a rider to this
and that is: even if the outcome or consequences of the gut decision
may appear with the benefit of hindsight to have been less than ideal,
it was still the right decision. The reason for this is that you made the
right decision, which put you in a situation to experience and/or learn
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from something that was meant to be, in order for you to grow. In
other words even a ‘wrong’ decision is the right decision, providing it
is a gut decision.
Is helping someone always helping someone?
One of the most important lessons I have learned in the last couple
of years was that helping someone excessively is the worst thing you
can do for them. There are people like me who enjoy helping others.
It is like a calling but sometimes we fail that calling; at least I did.
I spent most of my life helping my brother. No matter what, I was
always there to pick up the pieces. I helped him financially for more
than 20 years; whenever he got into debt or needed money I gave him
the money. Whenever he had legal issues to deal with, I sorted them
out; whenever he needed help with his work life, his personal life,
his marriage, his children—whatever, it did not matter as he always
came to me—I always helped him. And all the while I thought I was
being the good brother; I was being a kind and generous person but
in reality, with the benefit of hindsight and my new understanding, I
was making things worse for him. I was making him weak by always
supporting him. By propping him up all the time I didn’t let him stand
on his own two feet; I never allowed him learn and grow. I was good
to him but I was bad for him. When I finally realized that I was not
helping him, by helping him, I withdrew that support, although I
never withdrew my love for him and my involvement in his life.
Therein lies our challenge. We need to be able to help each other, but
we also need to know when we are disempowering someone. We need
to know when to step back and allow that person to learn and grow
from their challenges and experiences. If you are not sure when to let
go, then trust your gut—it is always right.
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A universal law to live your life by
In the Bible there is the most wonderful guideline that was given to us:
‘Do unto others as you will have them do unto you’. It could be called
a Universal Law as it applies to everyone, irrespective of one’s faith or
religion. In my personal life I have always tried to live according to
this truth. To me, it covers absolutely everything and every situation
that you could possibly find yourself in, where other people might
be involved or affected by your actions. Before making a decision or
acting on one, decide if you would like the same thing to happen to
you. It might just change your mind.
Does Satan exist?
I am not sure about this. I believe that we make choices which have
either positive or negative consequences. I believe some negative
choices are evil or morally wrong, such as murder, rape and theft. If
we allow ourselves to listen to an inner voice that leads us to do these
terrible things, does that mean we were influenced by Satan? To me,
if he does exist then so be it as I always try to live my life by the
Universal Law. If I do, however, make negative choices, I don’t blame
Satan, I blame myself for succumbing to weakness and thereby not
learning my soul lesson or alternatively, creating some more karmic
debt for myself.
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The following summary is a compilation of the lessons I believe that
I have learned so far. These lessons are not necessarily soul lessons,
though perhaps some are:
1. Be proud of your gifts and capabilities and be true to yourself.
2. Strive for people to accept you for what you are and not what
you think they want you to be.
3. Be thankful for the sacrifices that others have made to enable
you to live your journey. Acknowledge them while you can
as you never know when they are destined to complete their
journey and depart this planet.
4. As a parent, keep your domestic squabbles and arguments private
and away from your children. Fighting in front of them causes
pain and insecurity, especially when they are young.
5. Never ever ask your children to choose one parent over the
other. If there is no solution to making your relationship work,
you as the parent must make the decisions and communicate
what you have agreed to your children.
6. Never allow yourself to be put into a position that might
compromise you at a later stage, by accepting offers, gifts or
incentives from anyone.
7. It is important to dream and more important to pursue your
dreams, even if your dream does not meet your expectations or
you to happen to change your mind.
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8. At times you will encounter people of lesser spiritual or mental
maturity than you. Learn to accept them and do not judge them
as they have their own journey to travel, which is neither more
or less important than yours.
9. Pursue your beliefs if they are aligned with your principles.
10. Do not expect people to always do what they say, despite
assurances they might give you.
11. Accept that there are consequences to every decision you make
and be prepared to deal with those consequences without
blaming other people.
12. A position/station/rank that you may hold in life does not mean
you are a leader.
13. A true leader leads by example.
14. A true leader treats all people equally.
15. A true leader does not expect you to do anything that they
cannot themselves do.
16. A true leader never orders you to do something, they ask.
17. A true leader earns your respect as they want you to respect
them and not their position, rank or station.
18. If you have the opportunity to take advantage of a sponsored
tertiary education, either from your parents or a bursary, then
grasp it. Do not let petty stubbornness get in the way. But you
then have to give it your best shot.
19. As a young person, despite your confidence, you may not always
choose the best or most appropriate career option; this is okay,
but you must persevere until you finally get it right.
20. If you really believe that you are capable of doing something,
then you are, but nothing comes easy so you have to work your
hardest to achieve it.
21. Never lie about your knowledge or lack thereof, as the truth
will always come out.
22. People will deal with you if they believe you are 100%
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trustworthy, so the objective is to get them to realize that you
are, as soon as possible.
23. Do not be afraid to embarrass yourself (in a positive way) in
your pursuit to achieve success; remember the old adage ‘no
pain, no gain’.
24. Never confuse confidence and arrogance; there is a fine line
between the two.
25. Do not gamble with love.
26. Marriage is not a convenience, nor is it a means to appease your
conscience. It must not be taken lightly.
27. Starting a business is a big risk so make sure that you have
sufficient funding to tide you over until the business succeeds.
28. Never think poorly of people who live in poverty as you never
know when you might have to experience hardship.
29. No matter how far behind you get in your struggle with debt,
always ensure that you pay back everything you owe, no matter
how long it takes.
30. Never underestimate your own capabilities. If you are committed
and prepared to work hard, you will almost always succeed.
However, remember lesson 24, not to confuse confidence with
arrogance.
31. If you do not try something you will never know whether you
would have succeeded or not.
32. Always question the views you have been brought up to believe
in, as they may not always be appropriate.
33. Never judge a person. Do not allow your preconceptions to
form an opinion about anyone until you have taken the trouble
to understand them.
34. When confronted with a direct challenge do not necessarily
issue a return challenge as this could become confrontational.
Never run away though, as this will not earn you any respect.
35. Try and learn about any oppression that there may be in your
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own society, spend time to understand it and do what you can to
change it if it is in conflict with your value and belief system.
36. In any partnership you are likely to have differences with your
partner/s. This is natural as you are meant to complement each
other in terms of strengths and weaknesses. It is important that
these differences are properly managed and communicated; if
not, they could destroy the partnership.
37. Never sign long-term contracts unless you are totally committed
to honouring them.
38. Becoming a workaholic is as desperate as being a substance-
abuser. It is a selfish commitment which will cost you your
relationships, whether with a spouse, children or friends.
39. Living a double life, especially if it’s as a result of an illicit affair,
is extremely stressful and your behaviour changes so radically
that it is easy for outsiders to see that something is amiss.
40. Never lie or try to hide the truth as the truth will always
prevail.
41. Try to identify your weaknesses and acknowledge them as early
as possible. They are part of your make-up as much as you have
eyes to see and ears to hear.
42. Sharing knowledge and wisdom is far greater and more powerful
than trying to retain it for your own exclusive use.
43. Greed is destructive; only take or receive what is fair to you. If
you try to take more than what you are due, you could end up
with less.
44. Despite the hurt and anger that is often part of divorce, the
parents should ensure that the children do not feel responsible
for the break-up.
45. Do not bad-mouth the other spouse in front of the children as
they love both parents, which creates great confusion for them.
They do not want to take sides but sometimes our actions force
them to.
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46. Try to make sure that the spouse who does not have custody
gets the opportunity and uses it to see the children on a regular
and consistent basis.
47. Being competitive is only a good trait if you are able to manage
it in a positive way and it helps motivate you positively.
48. Never give up, give it your best shot—more than that, nobody,
including yourself, can ask of you.
49. Shooting your mouth off can get you into serious trouble so
attempt to engage your brain into gear before putting your
mouth on the accelerator.
50. If you make a bet, always honour it as it displays your integrity—
or lack thereof if you choose not to honour a losing bet.
51. For key life decisions such as engagement, marriage and having
children, try and make sure that both spouses agree to this in
advance. This can only be achieved by communication and
compromise. If left unresolved you could find yourself in a
position where you are forced to make a hasty decision.
52. Never allow yourself to be ‘held to ransom’ by a service provider
or supplier. If you believe you are being taken advantage of or
being pushed into a corner due to external pressures, do not
back down.
53. The key to a successful company is the staff. If they are treated
with respect, consulted for their opinions and allowed to
grow, they will contribute to the success of the company in a
significant way.
54. You need to remove yourself from any situation where you find
there could be a conflict of interest. You cannot be both referee
and player. In these situations you need to be consistent in your
views and position as you cannot play both sides of the field.
55. Money is a dangerous thing, especially in any form of
partnership, if not clearly defined as to how the money is to
be earned, distributed and/or shared. Irrespective of the type
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of partnership—business, personal or marriage—it should
be addressed as early as possible and submitted to a written
agreement to prevent any acrimonious fallout at a later stage.
56. Being placed under pressure to have a child/another child should
never occur if you abide by lesson 51.
57. Being forced to change your career or your area of residence
should never occur if you abide by lesson 51.
58. In any work situation you should be clear to communicate your
intentions as it is unfair to the other party if they have to work
on assumptions.
59. If you are ever in a position which allows you to evaluate several
options, do so, however, do not play one against the other in an
unfair or unreasonable manner.
60. Your personal life must always come first, work always second.
However, there are times when you have to make personal
sacrifices for your work. Trust your gut to lead you to make the
correct decision when faced with such choices.
61. Greed is a very dangerous disease which you need to manage.
With shares you need to set a price when you purchase/acquire
them and at which you are prepared to sell. When this price
is reached then sell immediately, irrespective of what the share
price or the market is doing. If you hang on too long the share
price could collapse much quicker that it might rise.
62. Alcohol is the most dangerous legal substance around. It is the
cause of many situations with dire consequences. It is always
used as a mitigating factor but it is not. It is a mind-altering
substance that allows you to lose your inhibitions, control of
your emotions, control of your words and control of your mind.
Many a career and many a relationship have been destroyed by
alcohol. There is no excuse; there is only a choice and that is
whether you want to indulge in it or not.
63. You cannot hide from fate or your destiny. If you are meant to be
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caught doing something you shouldn’t, you will, no matter how
clever or discreet you think you are. There is that wonderful
cliché: ‘Don’t tempt fate’.
64. You never really know someone until you spend lots of quality
time with them. Simple little things that might irritate each
other only come out later. You need to identify these and learn
to deal with them.
65. You cannot buy someone’s love nor can expensive gifts cure
someone’s insecurities.
66. Sometimes the mistress is more comfortable in the role of being
the mistress. When the mistress becomes the partner she more
often than not will assume that you will be unfaithful to her as
well. Avoid having a mistress at all costs.
67. Never teach your children to call someone else mommy or
daddy if that biological parent is still involved in your children’s
lives.
68. Never put someone in a position that requires them to make a
choice between their children and your relationship. If you feel
the need to do this then move on and find someone else who
will provide you with a relationship in which you do not feel
threatened.
69. Sometimes what you perceive to be the real issue is simply a
front for deeper, more significant issues. Try to determine this
up front by asking ‘closed’ questions, e.g. “if I/we do this, will
it solve our problem?” If you do not get a categorical ‘yes’ as
a response then probe further, using the same technique until
you understand as many of the real issues as possible.
70. Starting a new business is an extremely challenging and difficult
undertaking. Almost always it will take at least three times
longer to achieve the success you anticipated and three times
more money than you originally estimated.
71. You need to close one door to open another. You cannot be in
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two rooms at once.
72. You have to be passionate about the work that you are doing.
If you are not it is extremely difficult to be motivated and to
inspire and motivate others.
73. Irrespective of the size of your shareholding in an entity you
need to clearly define upfront what the decision-making process
will be between the various shareholders and what levels of
authority will be given to each shareholder/director.
74. Never cast judgement. At times God has a wonderful sense of
humour and so for all my judgemental views on tattoos and
strippers, I ended up falling in love with a former stripper with
tattoos.
75. There is no such thing as a white lie—a lie is a lie is a lie.
76. Never tell lies as they will always come back to haunt you.
Rather face the consequences of telling the truth than face the
consequences of having told a lie.
77. Never use your children as leverage to get back at your former
spouse as they suffer more pain than you or your former
spouse.
78. There are a few critical factors required to raise children:
a) Give them lots of love and attention.
b) Give them your trust and teach them about accountability.
c) Give them boundaries and consequences for exceeding those
boundaries.
d) The consequences must result in some form of discipline or
punishment which does not necessarily have to be physical. It
could be the withdrawal of certain privileges, e.g. giving them
an earlier curfew or grounding them. But it must be a privilege
that they value otherwise they will not feel the ‘pain’.
e) Apply whatever discipline you have decided on in a consistent
manner. Never set a precedent where you allow them to get off
with a warning; next time they will ask you to justify this.
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f) Never apply punishment/discipline in anger. Cool off before
you do this and explain to them why they are being punished
and remind them of your love for them.
79. We take our lives and those of our loved ones for granted. We
seldom take the time to communicate all the things that we
should to our loved ones and then we regret it if they suddenly
pass away.
80. I believe that after we die, there is a period when our souls are
still on this planet. It allows us time to say our last farewells
before the souls depart.
81. For people to live together in the same environment e.g. a family,
a commune, a flatmate, or a lodger, there have to be some ground
rules agreed to upfront. This alleviates unnecessary stress and
altercations.
82. Do not compromise your relationship with a person because
they remind you of someone else.
83. Not everyone sees things the way you do. That does not make
them wrong, it only makes them different. If their behaviour
and their views are that noticeably different, then make sure you
have applied lesson 81.
84. Lack of communication creates huge expectations and/or
misunderstandings. Never assume you know what your partner
wants and/or expects; always ask them to tell you and vice versa.
Once you have asked them and they have told you, don’t assume
that is it. Over time, people and their environments change
as do their needs and expectations. You have to continuously
revisit your mutual needs and expectations, communicating
these either verbally, or alternatively, if it is easier, by writing
notes or letters to each other.
85. Be careful what you wish for as you just may get it. God listens
to us all the time and sometimes decides to give us what we ask
for just to teach us a little lesson.
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86. Two wrongs don’t make a right. As difficult as it is, even though
you may have won the battle, you may need to broker the peace
in order not to lose the war. Two stubborn mules pulling in
opposite directions will not move the cart forward.
87. As a generalization, most of our spiritual beliefs are a
consequence of many years of hearing the same things over and
over again. We seldom choose to open our minds, hearts and
souls to new and different experiences. The church has always
been extremely good at telling us that anything not espoused by
priests or the Bible is evil. Perhaps a lot of that may be true, but
until such time as you have heard other points of view, how can
you decide if it makes sense or not?
88. Everybody is entitled to their own truth. My truth is neither right
nor wrong; it is simply my truth. The same applies to your truth.
89. Be prepared to listen to other points of view and if they resonate
with your gut, your soul, then internalize them, if not then
discard them, without casting judgement over the person
sharing their ‘truth’ with you.
90. There is no such thing as coincidence; everything happens for a
reason—to put us in a situation, environment or relationship for
us to experience and learn something from it.
91. If you and your partner are both mature and secure within
yourselves, it is possible to have a totally open and honest
relationship, and nothing from your past will make any
difference. This can only be done if you communicate openly
with each other and accept that your past is your past, where it
belongs. It is your past that helps define who you are, but your
present choices will determine who and where you will be in
the future.
92. Practices such as astrology and numerology are complex and
accurate. To me, this proved there is something else out there,
so ingenious and clever and logical, to which I could relate.
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93. As with everything in life, whatever you see, hear or read must children and you or your former spouse.
resonate with your gut, your soul, for you to accept it. If it doesn’t, 99. Never make your children the go-between or put them in a
reject it, but you must have an open mind/soul in the first place. situation that creates divided loyalties.
Because someone predicts or says something about you, does not 100. Every child carries some guilt, hurt or anger as a result of a
mean it to be true; it is merely that person’s interpretation of the divorce, so never assume that they are okay just because they
information at hand. seem to be behaving in a normal way. Try and communicate
94. Just as there are some dubious pastors out there, there are a lot with them so that they have the opportunity to express their
of charlatans too, espousing different spiritual practices such feelings and concerns. If necessary, call in the help of a qualified
as astrology and numerology, so make sure that you do your professional to assist you and the children.
homework to identify the best possible person to see, if you
choose this route.
95. When confronted with difficult situations that you are struggling
to understand, do not be afraid to ask God for guidance. Do not
ask God to solve the problem for you as He will not. But He
will give you a better understanding in order for you to make
your decision.
96. The most important lesson in life is to learn to implicitly trust
your gut feel, your instinct, when faced with important decisions
or situations. All too often we allow our heads to rationalize
which overrules our gut feel. Our gut feel is our inner soul
communicating with us.
97. If you have made a decision based on your gut feel, and upon
reflection or with the benefit of hindsight, you feel it did not
work out in the best possible way, just remember that it was the
right decision. In other words ‘even the wrong decision was the
right decision’ providing it was based on gut feel. The reason
why it was the right decision was because it put you in a situation
to experience and learn from something that was meant to be in
order for you to grow.
98. As a divorced parent be very careful what you say to your children
about your former spouse. It is how you choose to behave that
will influence the quality of the relationship between your

310 311

The following prayers have been graciously provided by Irene. They
were never meant for anyone else’s eyes, not even mine. We had
booked to go to Mauritius for a week in November 2008. Quite some
time ago, I’d asked YHWH if the book was finished or whether I
should include the significant events that took place after 24 January
2008, in other words, was there a ‘final chapter’? I had in fact received
confirmation from a number of sources that I did need to write the
‘final chapter’ before publishing the book, which turned out to be the
following five chapters:
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again?
My career—the final chapter
The nest becomes emptier
Full circle
The Big C—a test of my faith
About two weeks before our vacation, I was in Paris on business
when I received an SMS from Irene saying that she had received
an instruction from YHWH that I had to complete the book now.
In addition, she said she’d also been told to share her handwritten
prayers with me; she did not know why or what the meaning was.
Her thoughts, messages and instructions she’s received, as well as her
prayers are recorded in two special notebooks.
Before sitting down to start writing the final chapters, I read her
prayers, several times. I still wasn’t sure why I had to read them before
I started writing, but after a few days it came to me. I had to include
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them in this book. When I told her she was shocked and surprised and
said, “No, they are very personal.” I agreed, but told her they had to be
included. She instantly knew it was right and received confirmation
which she accepted.
Perhaps the prayers are meant to be examples on how to pray. Perhaps
they may take on a different and personal meaning to anyone reading
this book. Whatever the reason, it does not matter; I just know they
need to be here. Here are some of them, verbatim:
12 April 2008 (a few days before my operation)
Father YHWH
Thank You, I am grateful for Kevan’s healing and I pray for
total clearance of his cancer, that it may be dissipated to a total
healthy body. I pray for clarity in the assistance of my faith
and prayers to help Kevan’s healing. I have total faith and
understanding that we must experience these emotions in
order to fulfil Your purpose of teaching others. I am awaiting
Your spoken words of guidance. I pray for all this through
Yahshuwah’s name.
Amen
28 October 2008
Father YHWH
Thank You for love. Thank You for guidance. Thank You for
gifts and blessings beyond words. Thank You for the bond
that transpired between Jamie, Stevan and myself this last
weekend—it was overwhelming. I understand Your purpose of
this—for them to be drawn home to Kevan and me often. I too
understand our time is for Your purpose first; that’s why they
are moving to Knysna. I realize Kevan has accepted this and
he has the comfort that they will always come home to love.
Father, I thank You for blessing Brent and Kyle in concluding
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the sale of their house to open their own business and their
understanding that Your timing is always perfect. Father, I
await Your instructions, thank You, and I pray for Kevan to
find time to complete his book in Your name. I pray for all this
through Yahshuwah’s name.
Amen
5 November 2008
Father YHWH
Thank You for family. Thank You for love. Thank You that
I’m a mother and blessed with many children whom each in
their own right is ‘special’ and I pray that Kevan and I can set
an example that goes beyond the earthly realm with YOU and
Yahshuwah to guide us. I pray they too will fulfil their purpose
and help introduce YOUR light to others. Thank You. I pray
for all this through Yahshuwah’s name.
Amen
6 November 2008
Father YHWH
Thank You for Eva’s baptism on 2 November. Thank You
for Kevan’s understanding of Your divine purpose. Thank
You for Kyle praying to YOU with us. Thank You Father
for souls bonding in Your light. Thank You for love. Thank
You for peace. Thank You for providing us with everything
others dream of. I understand to be obedient to YOU. Father
YHWH, I await Your words of instruction. Thank You for
giving me the privilege to do YOUR will. For this my choice
of life. I humbly am to do whatever You ask and whenever You
instruct me to with love. Thank You. I pray for all this through
Yahshuwah’s name.
Amen
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My Angel’s prayers
12 November 2008
Father YHWH
By our words and actions are our intentions—our truth.
Through unconditional love YHWH’s light shines bright—to
heal and to comfort our physical in order for His souls to fulfil
their purpose—His will, in heaven and earth. I pray for all this
through Yahshuwah’s name.
Amen
Our Daily Prayer
The following is typical of what Irene and I pray together, out loud.
One day I will lead, the next Irene will. Whene we have a specific issue
or want to pray for an individual, we include it somewhere in the prayer.
The sequence varies, in that it isn’t a prayer we recite verbatim.
Father YHWH
Thank You for today. We thank You for the love that we have
in our family and between us. Thank You for all the gifts and
blessings You have bestowed upon us; we are truly blessed and
grateful. Father, we pray for guidance and wisdom as we go
our separate ways, we pray for Your light to shine on us. We
pray for guidance and protection over our children, our friends
and our families. We pray for the lost souls that are seeking
Your light, we pray that they are able to receive it, for wisdom
and clarity to make the right choices for themselves. We make
ourselves available to assist any souls that You may bring into
our space, in Your Name and for Your glory. Please forgive us
our sins and shortcomings. Father, we pray for patience as we
wait upon Your word as to what we need to do next for Your
purpose. We pray for all this through Yahshuwah’s name.
Amen
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Specific prayers
The key to prayers being answered is that you not only pray when
you are desperate or needing answers. General daily prayers are very
important. Think of it along the lines of building loyalty points. If you
want the VIP card you need to accumulate the points.
I also believe that as often as possible you must humble yourself by
getting on your knees when you pray. Obviously this is not always To my darling Angel, the true love of my life

practical or possible, but try do so whenever you can.

It is very important to understand that when you pray for something Thank you for everything

specific you need to be very clear on what it is and you must ask for that you have done for me;

a specific answer or sign that will be immediately clear to you. You for accepting me for who I am and what I am;

need to ask for the answer within a specific timeframe, e.g. by 12 for what you have done for my children,

December 2008. The timeframe must be reasonable; not every answer for the pure love you have shared with them, for them;

that you seek can be provided by the next day. A week or two might for what you have inspired me to do;

suffice. Close you prayer by thanking Him in advance for receiving for strengthening my faith;

the answer. for believing in me;

Then TRUST AND BELIEVE YOU WILL GET THE ANSWER for trusting me;

AND YOU WILL. GUARANTEED! for all this

that has allowed us to become ONE in YHWH’s name,
I am eternally grateful to YOU and to YHWH

The following lyrics are from a very short and simple song by Jack
Johnson from his album entitled Sleep Through The Static. If I could
have written a song that embraces everything that my Angel, Irene,
means to me, it would have been this one. It is appropriately called:

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Angel
I’ve got an angel
She doesn’t wear any wings
You can make
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
a difference
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home The intention of the book is not for personal financial gain. I made a
promise and commitment to YHWH a long time ago that if the book
She could make angels was meant to be published for a wider audience, then all profits would
I’ve seen it with my own eyes be used to fund worthy causes.
You gotta be careful when you’ve got good love If by reading this book you have been inspired, or touched and would
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying like to help make a difference in someone else’s life, then we invite
you to make a donation to The Truth Awakening Foundation. The
But you’re so busy changing the world foundation is a non-profit organization dedicated to sharing YHWH’s
Just one smile can change all of mine Light. We intend to print many copies and have them distributed,
We share the same soul mostly free of charge. There are, however, costs attached to this which
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh is where you can help.
We Share the same soul There will be total transparency in declaring the source and use of
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh the funds received. Detailed audited annual financial statements will
We Share the same soul be published on our website, www.truthawakening.org. Our contact
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh details are also available on this site.
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Umm umm umm uhhhhhhmm RMB Private Bank, a division of First Rand Bank Limited
Account name: The Truth Awakening Foundation
Account number: 62205603394
Written and performed by Jack Johnson Branch code: 26 12 51 (Johannesburg)
Swift code: FIRNZAJJXXX
© Jack Johnson
Reference: Please use your name and email address

In finding your ‘truth’, will you help others find theirs?

Your CHOICE to give back could save a soul

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