SECRETS OF MANLY LEADERSHIP

God has ordained the husband to be the head of the house,

the leader in his family. How successful his marriage and
family are rest on his leadership. In fact, God places the
responsibility squarely on his shoulders!

Men, do you want to know how to be a good husband and

leader in your family? Then look at what Gods Word says to
husbands.

But first, understand this: Whatever God tells you to do, He is

not saying that you must do it in your own strength, gritting
your teeth! He will give you the strength when you rest in what
His Son has done for you at the cross.

Notice how Gods instruction, Husbands, love your wives, in

Ephesians 5, comes after Ephesians 14. Let me explain.
Ephesians can be divided into three Ws. It begins with
the wealth of the Christianwhat you have in Christ. Then,
you have the walkthe central part where it says,
Husbands, love your wivesWives, submit... Finally, you
have warfare in Ephesians 6. Another way in which you can
divide the book is like this: SitWalkStand.

Now, many Christians want to walk. They emphasize the

behavior part of the Christian life and neglect the sitting. But
the sitting or resting must come first.

When Jesus sat down at the Fathers right hand, it meant that
everything He had done and provided for us had been
accomplished. So we begin with sitting, not walking. But how
well we walk out our Christian life on earth, depends on how
well we sit. The more we rest in Christ and understand that
everything is accomplished by Him, and not us, the more
power we will receive to walk well.

If you apply this to your marriage, it means that how well you
treat your wife depends on how well you rest in Christ. God is
not saying, You, by your energy, love your wife. He is
saying, Rest in My Son and He will cause you to love your
wife effortlessly.

To Love As Christ Loved

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself for her.

We are to love our wives the way Jesus loved the church. And
how did Jesus love the church? He gave Himself. The Bible
doesnt say, For God so loved the world, He gave a box of
candies. He didnt give you a bunch of flowers either! On the
cross, Jesus gave Himself.

Ladies, dont marry a guy just because he is rich and gives

you gifts. He can give you presents without giving you
his presence! Money doesnt guarantee you happiness. Go,
instead, for someone who is able to give himself for you. Go
for someone with self-sacrificial love.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the

church and gave Himself for her. That is self-sacrificial love.
Guys, your wife will not find it hard to submit to you when she
knows that you love her self-sacrificially. Take Jesus as our
example. Its not hard to submit to Him when we know how
much He loves us and that He has our best interests at heart.

Let God Do The Changing

Some husbands may say, Pastor Prince, if I just love my

wife, shell never see her faults, shell never change!

You cant change your wife. Your part is to love her and let
God do the changing. Ladies, likewise, your part is to submit
to your husband and let God change him.

Many times, we tell our spouses, I want you to change and

then I will love you. But Gods way is the opposite: Men, love
first and then I will transform her. Ladies, submit first and then
I will change him.

What Makes A Man Attractive

Guys, do you want to know what makes you attractive? In the

book of Proverbs, it says that what is desired in a man
is kindness. (Proverbs 19:22) The Living Bible says,
Kindness makes a man attractive. The word kindness here
is hesed in the Hebrew, which means lovingkindness. This
word is usually used to refer to the love of God.
So ladies, if you are looking for a potential husband, make
sure that the person has hesed because the love of God will
keep him attractive. Guys, one day, your six-pack abs will
sag! One day, your high forehead will become even higher!
When all your good looks are gone, hesed will remain, and
your wife will still find you very attractive!

Lay Down Your Own Desires

Hesed is also displayed when you lay down your own desires
for the sake of your loved ones.

There are times when my wife Wendy wants to do something

but I want to do something else. And Im ashamed to say that
in a few of those times, I went ahead and did what I wanted to
do. But at the end of it, I felt so selfish and frustrated.

So I have learnt to allow the self-sacrificial love of Jesus to fill

my heart when such situations arise. I remind myself that
Jesus laid down His life with open arms on the cross for me.
And if Wendy wants to do something else, I tell the Lord,
Lord Jesus, since You love me like that, I am going to love
her like that too.

Love is shown when two wills cross, and you are willing to lay
down yours and fulfill hers. When I sacrifice my desires for
Wendy, there is an excitement that is so much deeper, more
wholesome and fulfilling than going after my selfish desires!
Because when I start laying down my life for her, the next
thing I know, she says, I feel like I am falling in love with you
all over again.
It is fun to lay down your life in love for your loved ones. It
makes you more sensitive to the Spirit too. When you open
your Bible, the words jump out at you. When you pray, your
prayer is a flow. When you honor your wife and love her self-
sacrificially, you will find that all of heaven opens. Thats why
1 Peter 3:7 says that when a husband honors his wife, his
prayers will not be hindered!

Focus On Christs Love For You

Lets look at Ephesians 5:25 again: Husbands, love your

wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself
for her. Heres a key on how to love your wife. Notice it says,
as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.
The focus is on Christ the way Christ loves us.

There are times when Wendy doesnt see my point of view

and we have a disagreement. After the disagreement, we
hear a songthe Sound of Silence! So I give her the cold
treatment and drive off somewhere. I tell myself, Its time for
her to learn and grow up! Like a wild horse, she must be
tamed!

So Im driving down the road with such thoughts. I try to

forgive her and love her, but the more I try, the worse it
becomes! What do I do then, when I dont feel like loving my
wife?

The secret is to turn to Jesus. My part is not to try to love my

wife because Ill just get angrier. Ill just have more bad
thoughts toward her, like how she should not have done that
and how she should have known better. So I must stop and
focus on Jesus love for me.

When I see how much He loves me, the Lord begins to show
me how time and time again, I myself have done wrong when
I should have known better, yet He still loves me. Not once
has He said to me, I resign from being your Savior! He
always says, I will never leave you nor forsake you.
(Hebrews 13:5)

When you focus on Jesus and His grace toward you despite
your mistakes, you begin to see your self-righteousness
acting like you are so high up there and holy, and she is so
wrong. And you begin to despise what you see in yourself and
say, Lord, if You love me despite all my nonsense, how can I
treat my wife like this?

Guys, focus on Jesus, not your wife. Meditate on His love for
you. We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) We
forgive because He first forgave us. Love your wife and say, I
am sorry, even if you are not in the wrong. Its your glory to
overlook a transgression. (Proverbs 19:11) It takes a real man
to do that. And when your wife sees you humble, she feels
loved. She wont take advantage of you. She will end up
loving you because your lovingkindness toward her makes
you attractive.

Love Your Wife With Your Words

When we choose to forgive, we are loving our wives. We also

love our wives when we use words to nourish them, just like
how Christ uses His words to cleanse and wash us, the
church.

Ephesians 5:2526
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and
cleanse her with the washing of water by the word

How does Jesus purify us when we feel condemned, guilty or

depressed? He speaks to us, through a pastor, sermon CD or
the Bible. He uses His words to make us feel cleanthat He
might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having
spot or wrinkle. (Ephesians 5:27) He doesnt use His words
to make us feel dirty or guilty. He says things like, You are all
fair, my love, and there is no spot in you. (Song of Solomon
4:7)

Husbands, likewise, love your wives with your words. Tell her
how good she looks in that dress. Praise her for the meal she
cooked.

But the problem is that we guys dont like to communicate

with our wives. Women like to speak up, but guys just keep it
all bottled up!

Some of you may think that just because I am a pastor who

preaches four services every Sunday, I communicate a lot
with Wendy. Its not true. When I go home, I become like any
ordinary man. In fact, because I have already spoken so
much in church, my tongue says, Give me a sofa!

As I am lying on my sofa and watching TV, Wendy sits down

beside me and says, Darling, did you think of me today?
I say, Yeah, Im sure you crossed my mind today.

Men, you know that thats not what she wants to hear! I
should have said, Yes, I did think of you, darling, and
honestly, when I thought of you, my heart felt so warm. I am
so glad I am married to you.

You are being truthful because we men do think of our wives

in that way during the day. But we need to speak and say it in
their language of love. We need to nourish them with our
words.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

If you read Proverbs 31:10, youll find that it describes the

virtuous wife, whose worth is far above rubies. So some
husbands tell their wives, Darling, it would be wonderful if
you were the Proverbs 31 woman!

The secret to being the woman in Proverbs 31 is at the tail

end of the chapterHer husbandpraises her! (Proverbs
31:28) Her husband has learnt the value of praising her. He
knows how to use his words to nourish her.

But we husbands are quick to criticize our wives and slow to

praise them. When they prepare a meal that tastes really
good, we dont say a word. But the moment there is
something we dont like about the meal, we complain!
Guys, if you want your wife to be like the woman in Proverbs
31, learn to give her praise and honor. It will bring you
success too!

Honoring Your Wife Brings You Success

When I first married Wendy, I was very ambitious about the

church and my ministry. I didnt want to have a church that
never grew and where the people were lifeless. I wanted a
church that is happening and on fire for Jesus.

So I got hold of books and tapes on church growth. I listened

to the tapes and read the books. Yet, the church didnt grow
as fast as it did over the recent years. Why?

Because I had believed in a lie from the devil. The devil says
that to have career success, you must focus on your career.
The Bible, however, tells us otherwise. It says that we are to
give honor to our wives (1 Peter 3:7), not our careers!

The word honor in 1 Peter 3:7 is kabod in Hebrew. It means

heavy weight. In other words, if I honor my wife, I give
weight or value to her presence. I also give weight to her
words.

So I began to see that I was doing it wrong. I was giving my

ministry weight and making light of Wendy and her words. We
had just gotten married and those were some of the toughest
times in our marriage because I was focusing on the ministry
and church. I came to a place where I felt like a hypocrite and
I didnt like it. I had to make a choiceeither I pursued the
ministry or my wife.

I said, God, if this church never becomes a success, I dont

care. I am going to honor my wife. I am going by Your Word
that says, Give her honor.

From then on, I gave weight to her and what she said. And
amazing things started to happen. As I honored my wife, God
propelled me and my ministry!

So guys, if you want career success, honor your wives. The

more you honor your wives, the more your careers will be on
track and the more success will seek you out!

Leadership And Accountability

When it comes to making important decisions, discuss them

with your wife. Dont just say, I am the man. Submit! End of
discussion! Instead, give weight to her words. Listen to her
opinions. At the end of it, if you still feel strongly that your
decision is better, your wife is to submit to you.

But know this: Whatever the outcome, good or bad, whether it

is your idea or hers, the responsibility falls squarely on your
shoulders! You are ultimately accountable to your family. If a
family fails or a marriage crumbles, even if the wife is
involved, God puts the blame squarely on the man. Why?

Somewhere along the way, like Adam, the man has kept quiet
and allowed evil to reign. He has allowed Satan to deceive his
wife. Though it was Eve who sinned first, God did not say,
Through Eves sin, we were all made sinners. Instead, He
said that it was through Adams sin. (Romans 5:19)

So men, you are the head of the house, admiral of your

submarine, captain of your platoon! As the leader, God holds
you responsible. You cannot say, I cant help it. My wife is
like that. No, take responsibility and say, I am going to love
her and trust God to change her. And by the grace of God, I
will change for the better too.

When a company succeeds, who gets the credit? The chief

executive officer (CEO), not the workers. You may think that
its unfair. But when the company fails, who gets the blame?
The CEO. So its not easy being a leader. I know this as I am
also a leader in more ways than one.

Men, God has made you the leader in your families. He has
given you the honor, so take charge and be responsible. But
remember that He does not expect you to do it in your own
strength. Rest in His Son and He will give you the power to
steer your family through the storms of life!

Copyright Joseph Prince, 2002. All rights

reserved.