PHASE2.

RevisionEssay
Youwillchooseoneofthelargerwritingpiecesfromthisyearorlastyeartoimprovethroughthe
revisionprocess.Youwillbescoredbasedontheextensivenessandthoughtfulnessofyourrevisions.
Youwillusesuggestingmodetoshowin-processrevisions,andthoroughlyexplainyourprocessof
revision.

Copy-pasteyouressaytorevisebelow.
REQUIREMENTS:
STEP1:COMMENT.Readyouressayandcommentyourthoughtsasyougo-whatdoyoulike,what
doyounotlike,whatdoyouthinkyoumightrevise.Usethistobrainstormwhatyoumaydecideto
keepthesame;todelete;toevolve;ortoexpandonwhenrevising.DONOTmakeanyrevisionsyetto
theessay.Commentonly.Thisisveryimportant.
STEP2:SUGGESTINGMODE.Usesuggestingmodetoreviseyouressay.Makesuretousesuggesting
modeinsteadofeditingbecauseweneedtoseeyourrevisionprocess.
STEP3:DEMONSTRATE.Collectthescreenshotsofyourcommentsandrevisions.Giveinsightasto
yourapproach,strengths,andweaknessesinwritingbywritingaboutyourrevisionprocess.

Marc Giordani

Blood Diamonds
Mbuyi Mwanza is a 15-year-old boy who spends his day shoveling and mining for blood

diamonds in small mines in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Working in the mine requires a large

amount of labor and every day he is plagued with backaches. It has been three whole months since

Mwanza last found a diamond, and his debts for things necessary to live such as food, and medicine for

his blind fatherare increasing. (Baker 1). Africa is one of the world's leading diamond producers,

largely because of the abundance of diamonds in the continets surface. Some of the countries located in

Africa are riddled with civil war, and rebels enslave African citizens and innocent people and force them

to work in dangerous mines. Conflict diamonds are referred to as blood diamonds which, are taken when

found and are used to fund rebel projects. Many innocent people and citizens die in the mines and very
few of them work there willingly or get paid. The production of Conflict diamonds in countries such as

the Democratic Republic of Congo and African war zones should be stopped because it is inhumane, it

causes many problems, and it is against the laws put in place by the Kimberly act.

Primarily, because it is inhumane, the production of conflict diamonds should be put to an end.

The production of conflict diamonds is a painful never ending cycle, the Mining work is grueling, and he

[Mbuyi Mwanza] is plagued by backaches (Baker 2). In countries where the mining of conflict diamonds

occur most of the miners or the slaves that work in the mines dont get to stop working for a long time,

they get very little breaks and it can result in aches and health problems. Moreover, the mining work is

very dangerous to the lives of the workers. It is common for Hundreds of miners to die every year in

tunnel collapses and they are seldom reported because they happen so often (Baker 3). This shows that

the tunnels collapse extremely often and many people die and they stopped reporting the incidents. In

addition to this, compensation is not even paid to family members of the miner that gets killed in the

mine. In addition, mining for conflict diamonds is inhumane because the people or slaves that work in the

diamond mines are often forced to use primitive, back-breaking methods such as digging into mud or

gravel along river banks with their bare hands (Armstrong 9). Miners are usually taken and used as

slaves for the mine. In addition the miners dont even get tools such as shovels and pickaxes. The miner is

forced to use their hands which can result in many injuries and cut which can easily be infected in the

unsanitary conditions of the mines.

Opponents might argue that it is a bad idea to remove the mines because the miners who work in

mines need the money they get from mining diamonds to purchase food, medicine, water and provide for

their families. To Mbuyi Mwanza, a 15-year-old who spends his days shoveling and sifting gravel in

small artisanal mines in the southwest Democratic Republic of Congo, diamonds symbolize something
much more immediate: the opportunity to eat. (Baker 2). In many countries across Africa such as the

Democratic Republic of Congo the citizens of the country are extremely poor and because many lack

education, therefore, it is incredibly hard to get normal job. So, to make money some people dont go to

school and decide to work in the mines therefore, they could provide for their families.

Although this statement may be true the money that can be made by working in the mines, it is

very rare for miners to actually find diamonds, which are needed to receive money from working in the

mines. Most people who work in the mines are there against their will. When people are able to find a

diamond, they are considered very lucky when they find one Its been three months since Mwanza last

found a diamond, and his debtsfor food, for medicine for his fatherare piling up. (Baker 2). Because

of its rarity, it is extremely hard to find the diamonds therefore, even if the people are working in the

mines to make money that they may need for food and medicine they are likely going to go into debt or

not receive necessary materials. This will happen because they will rarely make enough money to pay for

those things. To add on, many of the people who work in the mines do not get paid because thousands of

men, women, and children in countries such as Sierra Leone are used as slaves to extract diamonds.

(Armstrong 9). This shows that even though there are many workers their most of them are not working

there because they need to or they want to they were enslaved and used to work in the mines and because

they are slaves that mean that they do not get paid.

Additionally, the production of conflict diamonds should be ended because it causes many

problems for the miners and for the country. Conflict diamonds cause problems for the country that sells

diamonds because they need to guarantee that the diamonds were not mined by slaves or the country can

be suspended from selling diamonds, which can extremely damage a countrys economy and people.

Moreover, they can cause problems for the slaves that work in the mines. Hundreds of miners die every
year in tunnel collapses that are seldom reported because they happen so often. (Baker 3). This shows

how mining for conflict diamonds is can cause the death of miners or lead to diseases in the future.

Conflict diamonds can cause problems because if a miner is working willingly and he dies in the mines,

the member might have dependents who the miner provides for and if he or she dies the dependents might

not be able to take care of themselves and their families. Thousands had been killed, raped, injured and

enslaved in Zimbabwe and the Kimberley Process had no way to call those conflict diamonds because

there were no rebels, (Baker 9). For many people who work in the mines they do not have a choice to

work in the mines and usually, they can be hurt or beaten up which can affect their health.. Lastly, the

mining and production of conflict diamonds cause an abundance of problems because miners are are

often forced to use primitive, back-breaking methods such as digging into mud or gravel along river banks

with their bare hands (Armstrong 9). This shows that it can cause health problems for the miners because

of the abusive mining tactics they are forced to use. All of the problems that conflict diamonds cause is

just another reason for the production of those diamonds to be stopped.

People who support the production of In many of the countries that mine conflict diamonds some

mining officials say diamonds are a vital source of incomeif not the only sourcefor an estimated 1

million small-scale, or artisanal, miners in Congo who dig by hand for the crystals that will one day adorn

the engagement ring of a bride- or groom-to-be. (Baker 5). This means that if the production of conflict

diamonds were to be put to a stop the countries would lose a major source of their income. This would

lead to the country to spiral into debt and poverty. The income that the countries can make from

diamonds is very useful.

Although this statement might be true because of the laws put in place and the abilities they have

this statement does not matter. There was a law made to stop its production the Kimberley Process grew
out of a 2000 meeting in Kimberley, South Africa, when the worlds major diamond producers and buyers

met to address growing concerns, and the threat of a consumer boycott, over the sale of rough, uncut

diamonds to fund the brutal civil wars of Angola and Sierra Leone (Baker 7). This shows that for the

people who sell the diamonds may not know that the diamonds were illegally mined. Therefore because it

is illegal to sell conflict diamonds they can receive punishment and they lose customers due to

protests.So, if a country sells conflict diamonds, they can be banned from diamonds trade causing similar

problems. Previous trials in international courts have established that the RUF ran a horrific regime of

enslavement and brutality at mines it controlled in Kono and elsewhere, including amputation, rape and

forced conscription of civilians and suspected rebels, according to Human Rights Watch. (Lister 5) This

shows the aggressive tactics they use to enslave people however, if the producers need the diamonds this

much they can easily promote the job instead of using these aggressive tactics. The production of blood

diamonds should be stopped because the benefits of its production does not outmatch the disadvantages.

Furthermore, the production of conflict diamonds should be ended because it is against the law to

mine them. Many Conflict or blood diamonds are illegally traded to fund conflict in war-torn areas,

particularly in central and western Africa, according to the World Diamond council, which represents the

commercial diamond trade (Armstrong 2). This shows that it is illegal to sell conflict diamonds which

means the production of the diamonds should stop because, it has penalties and it causes too much pain

for no reason. The accusation against Desaedeleer, who also holds U.S. citizenship, is that he profited

from the illicit trade of blood diamonds during the civil war that ravaged Sierra Leone between 1991

and 2002. (Lister 2) This shows the many consequences of trading conflict diamonds and it is not worth

getting arrested or proceeded to fund for unnecessary conflicts. Much of the war crimes trial of former

Liberian president Charles Taylor focused on the role played by so-called "conflict diamonds" in funding

rebels in conflict areas. (Lister 1). This shows that the funding of the diamonds goes toward rebellion
which causes conflicts and civil war which is one of the main reasons conflict diamonds are illegal. The

trading and production of conflict diamonds should be put to an ende because it is against the law and

funds rebel cause the production of conflict diamonds should be ended.

Opponents might say that the laws put in place by the Kimberly process do not matter because the

laws that are put in place are not very well enforced. According to Amy Barry of Global Witness, the

Kimberley Process has yet to demonstrate itself capable of stopping the trade because of a lack of political

will among member states. (Armstrong 15). This shows that the Kimberley process never really affected

the diamond trade majorly, therefore, it is still very common and simple for rebels to illegally trade or

smuggle conflict diamonds. The Kimberley process has never proven its abilities to stop smuggling

because it is not well enforced.

Even though the Kimberley process may not be well reinforced, it does not matter because the

law is starting to enhance its reinforcement including new background checks and other security

measures. Officials established the Kimberley Process Certification Scheme (KPCS), whereby members

are required to certify that all rough diamond exports are produced through legitimate mining and sales

activities and are "conflict-free." (Armstrong 13). This shows that the security on conflict diamonds is

increasing, therefore, fewer smugglers can get conflict diamonds through the system. In addition, they

will make sure Each shipment carries a certificate that details where the diamonds came from, how they

were mined, where they were cut and polished, the parties involved, and their ultimate destination.

(Armstrong 14) This shows how they will make sure that no conflict diamonds go through because

without the certificate they will not know if they are normally mined diamonds, therefore, they will not

allow them to pass through. In addition to not being allowed to pass through, they will likely penalize the

country where uncertified diamond shipments come from such as banning or suspending the country's
position in the international diamond trade. Just because the law is not well enforced that does not mean it

is okay to break the law and future edits to the law will result in less diamond smuggling.

In conclusion, the production of conflict diamonds in African countries should be stopped

because the bad methods used and the lack of tools used to mine make it inhumane, it causes many

problems such as legal troubles and health problems to the miners, and it is against the laws put in place

by the Kimberly act. In the many countries of Africa that are riddled with civil war and conflict, those

conflicts are fueled by conflict diamonds which fund and fuel rebellions.

Sources:

- Aryn Baker, Blood Diamonds

http://time.com/blood-diamonds/

- Paul Armstrong How diamonds fuel Africas conflicts

http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/26/world/africa/blood-diamonds/

- Tim Lister Blood Diamonds arrest sheds light over grim African trade

http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/31/europe/blood-diamonds/