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A modern guide to arranged marriages


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November 01, 2006 13:54 IST

Finished your studies, landed a job, and settled down? Like most other guys, marrying will probably be the next
thing on your agenda. But, the dynamics of an arranged marriage have changed. Find out what the realities of this
age-old tradition are, for a new generation.

New avatars

"Nowadays, parents simply suggest the person they feel is suitable for their son or daughter. Only if their child
approves (after interacting with him or her), do things move ahead. Also, children are now increasingly taking the
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initiative to find their own partners. The number of people putting up their profiles at matrimonial sites is a case in American who
tried to stop
point. So, children are now 'arranging' their own marriages," says Sanjeev Sharma, 29, a software engineer Kansas shooting
currently in the 'marriage market', looking for a bride. says 'happy to
risk my life'
"By the new-age definition, an arranged marriage is just a 'set-up'. Parents introduce their children to each other,
who meet and may even date for some time. Then, if and when they are ready, they get married," agrees Kamlesh Trump proposes
Mathur, 27, a sales executive who has just joined the scene. $54 billion
increase in
defence spending
What are you looking for?

Who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you will make. Some questions that crop up
include: What sort of a girl do I marry? Will she adjust to my family? How can I decide just by meeting her a few 'Don't hang me
over a laugh':
times? When should I marry? What if I make the wrong choice? Randeep Hooda
writes on
"Take a pen and paper and list the attributes you are looking for in a girl. For example, educational achievements, Gurmehar Kaur
row
profession, appearance (looks, height, weight), etc. You might not find the 'perfect' girl, but you will have a fair idea
of what you are looking for," says Sanjeev. "The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with a
TN CM
good character too, not simply a good personality," feels Kamlesh. Qualities to look out for include maturity and Palaniswami
meets PM Modi,
responsibility, a positive attitude toward life, commitment to the relationship, emotional openness, integrity and high discusses relief
funds, NEET
self-esteem. exam
"Many men go for beauty when looking for a suitable bride. Sure, looks are important, but that should not be the
UP sees 57.36 per
most important criterion. Later on in life, it is her maturity and behaviour that will make all the difference," feels cent voter
Sanjeev. turnout in fifth
phase of elections
In arranged marriages, family support also plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where
compatibility of social status, family values and caste/religion may come in. "If she is going to live with your parents
in a joint family set-up, it would be wise to take a few inputs from family members as well," advises Kamlesh. 'Who's polluting
your mind', asks
Rijiju from girl
Tell your parents 'threatened with
rape'
The selection process is tough on every one involved in it. In arranged marriages, the involvement of family and
society is pretty high. Clearly define some minimum criteria for selection in terms of education, physical
SIMI chief, 10
appearance, social status, family values, future career plans, etc., so your parents don't waste their time. "It would others get life
be unfair to meet a girl three to four times only to change your mind, as it can have repercussions for her too. You sentence for
treason
should have your criteria ready. Be clear about what you are looking for, so you meet fewer people," advises
Jitesh Dwivedi, 28, a graphic designer who just finalised his match and will marry in December.

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Arranged marriages: A groom's perspective - Rediff.com Get Ahead http://www.rediff.com/getahead/2006/nov/01arrange.htm

People often prefer partners from the same profession for better understanding. "For example, doctors sometimes
Exam paper leak:
include being able to start a clinic together, etc. Also, the partner is better able to Army orders
nd professional difficulties. Thus, if you are looking for a specific match, convey it to high-level court
of inquiry
r Gupta, 29, a pathologist who had an arranged marriage last year. "As I am over 6
rsonal preference is someone fluent in English and at least 5'3" tall," adds Sanjeev.

TN trust vote:
Madras HC asks
for video of
our parents to check the educational and family background of a prospective assembly
reference check, a visit to the workplace (or institute, if she's studying), through proceedings
ss is used when the girl is abroad, but it is definitely more difficult. For one, a
personal visit may not be possible and you have to rely on other sources for information. If you have friends/family Gopal Baglay
takes charge as
abroad or living in proximity to the prospective bride, request them to meet her and check things out.
MEA
spokesperson
You can also perform an employer verification, check the visa status, request a medical test, etc. Also,
communicate regularly through emails, phone, chat, etc. to know her better and get an insight into her lifestyle.

A meeting of minds
Stars spotted! What's this?

As we all know, it is difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. How, then, do you select a life partner? Spotted: Tamil actor Suriya in Bangalore
Reader T Rajan sends us a photograph.
"This is where you need to take additional help of other mediums of communication like phone, email, chat, etc. More stars spotted
because it is sometimes possible to discuss issues more freely and actually get a better idea of the person through
Met a celebrity?
these mediums than in person," says Jitesh. Email us photos & videos

Whenever you do meet, relax and be yourself. Keep an open mind and don't hesitate to discuss important issues.
Wear something that you look good and feel comfortable in. Try meeting away from the usual crowd of relatives,
at some neutral place like a coffee shop, so you can interact without being influenced by others. Above all, trust
your gut feeling.

Ask away!

Those days are long gone when youngsters getting married hardly knew anything about each other. Now you can
ask just about anything and no one is supposed to take offence. "If you have questions that may seem
uncomfortable but deal with the reality of today's social situation, or if you have doubts, by all means ask! Because
NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking," feels Dr. Bhaskar.

Here are some aspects that could be looked into once you get on familiar terrain.

General questions

Are you ready for marriage?


How would you describe yourself?
How do you like to spend your free time?
How do you feel about smoking and/or drinking?
What are you looking for in a spouse?
How much time do you need to decide?
What are your preferences, in terms of food?
What are your pet peeves?
How do you act when you get upset?
How do you feel about pets?
What is your family like?

Professional queries

What career path do you plan on taking?


How ambitious are you?
How much time do you spend at work?
How do you plan to balance work and family life?

Previous relationships

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Today, a lot of young people may already have had a previous relationship. "Though having had a relationship is
ng to be ashamed of, people sometimes bring some 'baggage' -- emotional and / or
ous relationship. Of course, this applies to both men and women. Now, a woman
guy tells her he has had relationships previously, and should look for signs of any

would be a concern for me. But then, my opinion can't be generalised for all
"It is difficult to say, as it is a case-specific issue," adds
wrong with it if it is a thing of the past. What is more important is to be faithful to

Medical check-up?

"Yes, you and your partner should get one. Everyone knows the significance of getting oneself tested in today's
day and age, but the way you approach it involves a good amount of emotional maturity on the part of both," says
Sanjeev.

"It's not as if you can't ask the girl to be tested, but there is a degree of reluctance in asking, as it is a very
delicate situation and people may feel insulted if not outraged. However, if tactfully handled, most people would
respond favourably, even if they voice initial doubts," says Dr. Bhaskar. "What you can do is tell the girl (and / or
her parents) that, like you, they too are probably aware of the increasing incidence of HIV and may be
experiencing some apprehension about it. Moreover, a blood test can also check for thalassemia and Rh factor.
You can possibly both get tested at the same reliable clinic and then proceed with the marriage without any
doubts," he advises.

It's your call

Do remember, all said and done, it is your marriage and your life that is at stake. After you get married, you and
your wife are the ones who will face the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you
to do so. "Once you marry, if things don't work out and you end up saying, 'It's only because of my parents that I
married you', then your marriage is destined for disaster," says Sanjeev.

Richa Pant

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Arranged marriages: A groom's perspective - Rediff.com Get Ahead http://www.rediff.com/getahead/2006/nov/01arrange.htm

on ur affection towards ur parents and ur family.


py the west , but we particularly the young generation forgets that our parents who have
Gorgeous Sarees That
ts their child to settle down with Bhagalpuri
a spouse that they Art for
think is the best Silk Sarees
their child.
Look Stunning But starting 399/- only
Costshould
t their child Lesssuffer
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because of them and thatRediff
is whyShopping
we are seeing that nowdays
raged marraiges , gone are the days when the girl use to come in veil and the father of the
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groom ordered that this is the girl with whom u should spend ur whole life.
Parents see the best combo for their child and give him/her full choice to make decision.

In my case I am a PG student and I met a girl who is an undergraduate and really since then my life has changed coz
I want to take everyone along and when I see my parents happy , I find myself to be the happiest person. Though I
saw the girl just once but her parents had sent a pic of hers through e-mail. I talk to her almost
twice a week and I have developed so much affection for her that I feel it's dificult to live without her.
Know that many of you will say that this might be an infatuation of initial effect but for now I am sure that she is my
life.
So , according to me arranged marriages are not that bad as many of the youngsters feel it. I nevr got into any kinda
affair coz I knew it'll create unnecessary problems for me.

Forward | Report abuse

i wann away my wife


by PRAKASH (View MyPage) on Dec 05, 2006 02:16 PM

Sir
when i have married her i don't know what is happen with me.
But after 5 year my wedding life is disturb a disease
that was unrecoverable and no medicine on that
so i very very shocking but i han't loose my pesions i say all reality to my wife and my parents in between i have a
doghter baby. I very much love her.
and my wife is on job ,
one day she unkoown me left home with taking all 'sri dhan'
which is getting in marriege.
now tell me if i know place o fher what i can do with her.
so i wann avoided to her i.e my wife

Forward | Report abuse

Very good article


by Sandeep Negi (View MyPage) on Dec 01, 2006 05:54 PM

This article is really very useful, But I think that one more article should be there, That what will happen if in same
profession(precisely for IT).

If husband and wife both love each other and both are ambitious for there carrer as well, then how can they will
manage.

Forward | Report abuse

Good One!!!
by Sathish (View MyPage) on Nov 28, 2006 09:53 PM

As my parents started my marriage talks, this one really helps me to define and refine my thoughts.

Forward | Report abuse

Good one...
by Paresh (View MyPage) on Nov 27, 2006 06:18 PM

Good one...

Forward | Report abuse

Nice Article..
by Navdeep (View MyPage) on Nov 24, 2006 07:59 PM

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