Claire Lukehart

Testimony

Hearmycry,OGod;Giveheedtomyprayer.FromtheendoftheearthI

calltoyouwhenmyheartisfaint;LeadmetotherockthatishigherthanI.

(Psalms61:12)

I believe that the way you look at situations impact the decisions

you make. How you absorb good or bad information is up to you and

only you.

Within the last two years my family had been experiencing a lot

of turmoil. My brother was losing himself and who he really was. He

had been carrying around some extra baggage that Im not going to

get into because its not my business to tell; but needless to say, what

my brother was doing was affecting not only him, but our whole family

unit. Things were being hidden and we werent told anything; we were

kept in the dark for a while about everything that was going on.

Our family has always been semi- dysfunctional but it was never

bad. Everything started going down hill for our family the summer after

my seventh grade year. My parents were always yelling and fighting

with my brother and with us, at least thats how it felt. Nobody was

really getting along. It seemed as if everyone had a difference in

opinion and a conflict of interest in accordance with what the problem

really was.
 I have four other siblings, three older brothers, and one little

sister. Its safe to say that Im the most sensitive person in my family.

What was going on affected me a great deal. My older brother was my

best friend, and seeing him go through what he was going through not

only made me sad, but also made me mad. I was confused as to why

God would let something like this happen to such an intelligent and

kind person, also to my family. My parents raised us to be catholic, we

went to church every Sunday, we prayed before each meal, and we

were all around supportive of each other. We seemed to be what a

stereotypical catholic family would be. So, as I realized what was

happening and the extent of it was, I grew so angry. Everyone in my

family was very kind- hearted, caring, and generally had good

intentions. I started wondering why God didnt like my family and I

wanted to know what were doing wrong. I had a very nave

perspective.

My faith in God kind of eroded over time. The worse things got,

the more my love for God grew weaker. It only got weaker and weaker

and weaker, for about two years I didnt care about God. I knew he

existed but I didnt know why he granted the world with bad things.

Things only got worse over time and it was a lot more noticeable.

My neighbors knew, close friends knew, it felt as if everyone knew that

our family was falling apart. I didnt get along with anybody in my

family. I never felt safe and sound in my own home. As my family was
experiencing all this commotion, I was experiencing some personally. I

felt like I couldnt trust anybody. The only one I could trust at that time

was the one I was pushing out most. I could trust God but I was too

mad to turn to him for guidance.

Again, I am a very sensitive person and the most sensitive

person in my family. My family falling apart affected me a lot. I had

and still have a problem with trust issues. Its very hard for me to trust

people with anything, small things and big things. My trust in people

and even in my family plummeted. I also started getting really bad

anxiety. I was afraid to be the last one awake in my house because I

felt unsafe and a sense of nakedness, not physically but mentally. I was

scared that if I didnt go to sleep early then I would be up all night

scared and crying, so I would go to bed at around seven, Also, certain

things I would hear, made me extremely tense and uncomfortable.

Never feeling comfortable in my home made me feel uncomfortable

with myself. I was never content with who I was. I always felt ugly and I

never felt good enough for anyone, I never felt what It was like to feel

beautiful. I hated myself. I thought I was one of the only kids in my

family who took what was going on to heart. I hated being stuck inside

my own head, I had so many thoughts, and there was so much

confusion, and anger, and sadness that I had built up inside of me.

There were so many thoughts and visions that wouldnt escape my

head, no matter what I did, I couldnt not think about the negativity

that I had stored in my mind.

Things went on and this trend of hating being home, and

dreading certain things in my family, and feeling constantly

uncomfortable became the new normal. It had been going on for about

two years and at one point I realized, that what was going on affected

me more than I thought. Constantly feeling uncomfortable in my own

skin and never feeling a sense of safety made me think that thats just

who I was.

Going into my freshman year of high school, I was nervous, like

everybody else was. I didnt know if I could handle the whole high

school scene. I decided to go to Saint Joseph catholic all girls school,

and that could not have been a better choice. Although I fit in and

finally felt some sense of security, I still struggled. I went home and

had a constant reminder of what was happening and how stressful

things were to my mind. I would lock myself in my room and hide. I

wasnt doing homework or studying, I didnt care. At that point in my

freshman year I didnt really care about much. I cared about friends

and I cared about my family healing itself, but that was really it. I

didnt care if there was a God or not, I didnt care that my faith was

nonexistent; I didnt care to grow my faith. I questioned everything that

had to do with God.

 I was in confirmation and I liked coming for the sole reason that I

liked the people in my class. The kids were generally really funny and

nice. So, when my mom signed me up for the retreat I didnt mind, it

wasnt my first choice in how I wanted to spend my weekend, no cell

service, in the middle of the mountains, and with a bunch of people in

a small cabin, but I was fine with going. Then about a month before

retreat I found out that the retreat was the same weekend as formal

and I immediately tried to get my mom to take me off the list for

retreat and she said no.

So I went on the retreat, and I was kind of wondering why my

mom is making me come. Little did I know that not only would I find

God, I learned to love God. Year one retreat changed my life. I finally

had reconnected with God and with my faith and it was the most

amazing fulfilling feeling ever. During adoration, and throughout the

whole weekend, I felt as if the Holy Spirit came down and relit a fire in

my heart for my love of God and people. I also felt that I could talk to

God. Throughout the whole weekend I felt more and more happy and I

had never felt so happy in a long time. Listening to my leaders

testimonies, and participating in small group discussion, and paying

attention and thinking about every word that was being said made me

realize God is almighty and wonderful and we are unworthy of his love

but we have it, and we have his love unconditionally, and thats pretty

remarkable.
 I met so many incredible people at retreat that I talk to everyday

and can turn to for anything. Someone who I turn to for everything

once told me something that I thought was amazing and Ive kept in

my head since, he said God wouldnt have put you on this path for

you if he knew you couldnt handle it., and I realized at that moment

that, that could not be more true. The biggest thing I got out of the

retreat was God, and I felt so blessed to be living on this earth.

So, as my faith with God rekindled, and my trust in others built

up, it felt like everything started falling into place. My family had

seemed to been working things out and talking more on unspoken

issues and resolving them. I finally for once in my life knew what it

was like to feel beautiful, mentally and spiritually. Once I turned to God

and gave him all my problems and baggage, everything that had been

going wrong started getting a lot better. And whenever I would start to

get frustrated or start to question Gods works, I sat back, took a deep

breath and said, I trust you Jesus.

Now Ive recently had an epiphany about the world and what

people see as important and whats not important. I realized that If

people cared and focused as much about God as they do about sports,

how they looked, what people think of them, social medias (etc.), then

the world would be such a happy positive place. And for me I realized

that if I focused as much attention as I did for Disliking God and more
focus on growing my faith in God and not questioning his works, then I

would have been as fulfilled as I was at retreat, all the time.

Im going to leave you guys with this quote and I hope you really

listen to it and focus on the deeper meaning, Those who know your

name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who

seek you. (Psalms 9:10)