Children of Divorce

And Baby Makes Three

34) Rebecca tells James that I am in love with love because she
enjoys the exhiliration, euphoria, hyperactivity, and sleeplessness, that
goes along with being totally preoccupied by thoughts of him all the
time. She feels fully alive and feels a profound sense of clarity of
how she should spend her time.
Which of the theories about love best describes what Rebecca is
experiencing?
!
a) Sternbergs Love as a Story
b) Fehrs Prototype Theory
c) Fishers Three system model
d) Sternbergs Triangular Theory
James later confides in his best friend Marc that he likes being in love
with Rebecca, but hes a little freaked out because his experience of it
is different from hers. What he likes about being in love is the
balance between feeling emotionally close to Rebecca, having intense
physical attraction to her, and being able to make short and long term
plans that involve her in his life. He feels like I have it all.
!
Which of the theories about love best describes what James is
experiencing?
!
a) Sternbergs Love as a Story
b) Fehrs Prototype Theory
c) Fishers Three system model
d) Sterbergs Triangular Theory
Rebecca and James then enter couples therapy because she is outraged
that he has a different view of love than hers. She insists that he read
many self-help books about love and marriage. He begins to get
bogged down and confused by all the jargon. At a certain point, he
goes hiking with an old friend and the friends wife. He sees them
holding hands, joking together, being comfortable and relaxed in each
others presence. He tries to describe it to Rebecca, using the
different jargon he has learned from his various books, but he cant
quite explain it. Yet he has a deep sense that he has seen what he is
looking for.
Which of the theories about love best describes what James is now
experiencing?
!
a) Sternbergs Love as a Story
b) Fehrs Prototype Theory
c) Fishers Three system model
d) Sterbergs Triangular Theory
Syd is a musician, and he always imagined that when he fell in love, it
would be like discovering someone who could be in his band - that it
would be someone he could make music with, that she would be able
to play a beautiful duet with him. According to the categories of
Love Stories that Sternberg describes, which is closest to Syds ideal
story:
a) Asymmetrical
b) Object
c) Coordination
d) Narrative
 Amy is married to Syd. She had always imagined that her husband
would be someone who would arrive in her town and carry her away
from her boring life. She was expecting that her husband would be
someone more powerful and established than her, and that he would
take her to his castle where they would live a fairy tale life happily
ever after. When she met Syd, she imagined he would take her away on
the back of his motorcycle and they would live in a mansion in
Hollywood. According to the categories of Love Stories that
Sternberg describes, which is closest to Amys ideal story:
a) Asymmetrical
b) Object
c) Coordination
d) Narrative
Bill and Hillary are a couple that have been together for 35 years.
They still hold hands, take long trips together, and share secrets with
one another. They recently renewed their marital vows. They have sex
much less often than when they were first married. According to
Sternbergs Taxonomy of Love, their relationship is still HIGH in
which dimensions:
a) Commitment
b) Intimacy
c) Passion
d) Commitment and Intimacy
e) Commitment and Passion
Joanne gets in trouble with her boss because she keeps making
careless errors. Her boss finally confronts her after discovering over
1000 instant messages between her and her boyfriend Paul. When he
confronts her about it, she admits that she cant stand being at work
because she is away from Paul (an unemployed actor), and that she
thinks about him constantly, and if she isnt IMing him, she is writing
him poems or looking at his head-shots on his website.
According to Helen Fishers theory of Love, which of the three
systems is most implicated in Joannes work problem:
!
a) Lust
b) Attraction
c) Attachment
Sid gets in trouble with his boss because he is constantly late for
work. When his boss finally confronts him, Sid is embarrassed and
cannot explain himself. What he is afraid to admit is that he has a new
lover, Nancy, and they have sex several times a night and in the
morning. Thus, he doesnt get enough sleep and is always late in the
morning.
19) According to Helen Fishers theory of Love, which of the three
systems is most implicated in Sids work problem:
a) Lust
b) Attraction
c) Attachment
 k-i-s-s-i-n-g

First comes love, then comes marriage...

 Sex in America

Alfred Kinsey, Masters & Johnson, Shere

Hite

National Survey of Sexual Behavior (1994)

Face to face interviews with 3,432 men
and women 18-59
 Lifetime Sex Partners
40

30

20

10

0
None 1 2-4 5-10 11-20 21 & up

Men Women College Grads

 Frequency of Sex
50 47
43

37.5 36
32 32

25 26
25 23 23 24
19
15
13 12
12.5
7 7 7
5
3
1
0
Never Few / Year Few/ Month 2-3/week 4/week

Married Men Married Women Unmarried Men Unmarried women

 Other Findings
Averages: Men 6 partners, women 2
partners

Orgasms more common among married
people

Among married, 75% of men, 85% of
women report fidelity

54% of men think about sex every day, 67%
of women report thinking about it few
times/week to few times/month
Final thoughts about Sex
Around 95% of married persons report sex
prior to marriage

Most people have first sexual experience in
late teens/early 20s

With delay in marriage, there is more
opportunity to explore sexuality

Probably we are more prepared for
sexuality within marriage, but does this
promote stability?
How do we make Love
Last?
Ester Perel - The Secret to Love in a Long Term
Relationship
 Reading

Belsky & Hsieh Patterns of Marital

Change...
 Learning Objectives
After this lecture you should be able to:

Reproduce and describe the graph from
Belsky & Hsieh

Explain the findings about marital
interaction as they pertain to the graph

Describe and generate your own examples
of validating and invalidating interactions
 Children
Changes in:

Roles - caregiver, worker, availability to
spouse; pressure towards more
traditional gender roles

Bodies - sexuality changes

Routines - sleep, eating, traveling, working

Values - new values, or dormant values
emerge
 Children
Marital quality declines during the
transition to parenthood and across the
early years of parenting (many years!)

Spike in divorce rate around 2-3 years after
first child is born

Decline is more pronounced for wives than
husbands
 Children

Belsky & Hsieh, 1998, followed couples with

newborn sons for 5 years

Father reported Love score and Mother
reported conflict score

Three patterns of change
 Belsky & Hsieh 1998
Stays good group - Fathers love stays
high, and mothers conflict stays low

Good gets worse - Fathers love was high
but went lower, and mothers reported
conflict went from low to high

Bad to worse - Fathers love low to begin
with, and gets worse, and high initial
mother reported conflict remains high
 PATTERNS OF MARITAL CHANGE 519

"stays good" (n=51)

80-

76-

72- good-gets-worse" (n=10)

Husband
Love
68-

64-
"bad-to-worse" (n-38)
60-
10 27 36 60
Child Age In Months

Figure I. Patterns of change in husband-love scores.

good-gets-worse groups to determine why marriages (as experienced by wives). Finally, a

 Belsky & Hsieh
Predictors of initial marital quality were
(intuitively)

Neuroticism (propensity towards
negative affect - depression, anxiety,
hostility)

Agreeableness (thoughtful, considerate,
cooperative, not selfish, cynical or
manipulative)

Extraverted (warm, friendly, likes people)
 Belsky & Hsieh
Predictors of change had more do to with
interaction patterns around parenting

In particular, whether co-parenting
interactions were VALIDATING or
INVALIDATING

Undermining, negative or hostile
interactions

Not related to conflict around housework
 PATTERNS OF MARITAL CHANGE 519

"stays good" (n=51)

80-

76-

72- good-gets-worse" (n=10)

Husband
Love
68-

64-
"bad-to-worse" (n-38)
60-
10 27 36 60
Child Age In Months

Figure I. Patterns of change in husband-love scores.

good-gets-worse groups to determine why marriages (as experienced by wives). Finally, a

 Children DO make a difference
Belsky & Hsieh find that co-parenting is much more
unsupportive during the toddler years in
marriages that get worse

Marital dynamics are more important than
personality traits in predicting why marriages that
look the same initially (are both good) diverge over
time (some get worse)

Co-parenting is more important than division of
household labor (or, co-parenting is THE form of
household labor)
 PATTERNS OF MARITAL CHANGE 519

"stays good" (n=51)

80-

76-

72- good-gets-worse" (n=10)

Husband
Love
68-

64-
"bad-to-worse" (n-38)
60-
10 27 36 60
Child Age In Months

Figure I. Patterns of change in husband-love scores.

good-gets-worse groups to determine why marriages (as experienced by wives). Finally, a

 Validation?

What is a validating interaction?

Similar to Sternbergs ideas around
INTIMACY

Ability to maintain emotional closeness
while you are communicating with a
partner
Validating Interactions?
Are not attacking, or aggressive, and will
not result in someone feeling defensive

Convey an awareness of the emotions of
the other person, or an awareness of their
perspective

Convey an acceptance of how a person is
feeling, even when you are offering an
alternative
 Examples?

You burnt the toast

You dropped the bottle

The baby is crying and you cant get him to
sleep
 Toast

Joe: Oh, the toast is burning!

Joan: Sorry, I was making breakfast and I got
distracted...

Joe: Typical, youd burn water if it wasnt wet
 Toast
Joe: Oh the toast is burning!

Joan: Sorry, I was making breakfast and I got
distracted...

Joe: Well, its smoky in here. What got you
distracted?

Joan: My mom called...
 The bottle

Ivy: Rats! I dropped the bottle

Bean: Oh theyre slippery when youre tired

Ivy: Damn it, the babys crying

Bean: I know, its upsetting
The following questions refer to the passage below:
Husband 1: Youre late! (angry look on his face)
Husband 2: Yeah, sorry about that.
Husband 1: Im pretty pissed off at you. You forgot to call.
Husband 2: Yeah, I know. Look Im sorry. My boss was yelling at me, I
couldnt go sooner.
Husband 1: You know you could have called to let me know.
Husband 2: I forgot, I was upset.
Husband 1: Look, I know it sounds upsetting, like an upsetting day for you.
Husband 2: uh huh...
Husband 1: Ok, so you were upset, you forgot to call, I get that.
!
Mary: Why are you rubbing my shoulders?
Joseph: Well, its been a long day, and I was hoping youd, um --- with me...
M: But Im studying for this dumb test
J: We havent done it in so long! Im dying
M: Look, Im worried about my grade. Im trying to transfer to NYU
J: Yeah, but couples who dont have time to --- umm --- do it--- umm, they
have problems.
M: I need to study
J: Just what I mean! I cant believe this (in an upset tone of voice)!
M: Hey, look, -- look, Im sorry -- Im sorry. Youre worried about us, youre
lonely, I know Ive been busy; I get it, sex is important to you. Its important
to me. I just cant right now.
J: yeah, well, ok, thanks. Good luck. Good night.
Family Systems Theory

Everything that happens to any family

member has an impact on everyone else in
the family

Members are INTERCONNECTED

Individual behaviors mask the fact that the
members also operate as a GROUP
 Family Systems Theory
Our experiences of ourselves are organized by
our membership in a family

There are no individuals in the world - only
fragments of families - Carl Whitaker

We are inextricably linked to our family of origin

Our style of thinking, our behavior (habits),
our values

A huge amount of effort goes into maintaining
or changing family relationships
 PATTERNS OF MARITAL CHANGE 519

"stays good" (n=51)

80-

76-

72- good-gets-worse" (n=10)

Husband
Love
68-

64-
"bad-to-worse" (n-38)
60-
10 27 36 60
Child Age In Months

Figure I. Patterns of change in husband-love scores.

good-gets-worse groups to determine why marriages (as experienced by wives). Finally, a

 Family Systems
How Good goes to bad or Good stays
Good in the graph by Belsky & Hsieh is an
example of family systems thinking

The needs of the toddler organizes the
relationship of the mother and father

How the mother and father interact
around the toddler organizes the marriage
And Baby Makes Three
Examples

Jane has trouble sleeping

Mom is told by pediatrician to let her cry
herself to sleep

Dad cant stand this sound, and goes in

Mom criticizes Dad whenever he gets
upset, Dad responds by withdrawing (Jack
Daniels) or retaliating verbally, or non-
verbally
And Baby Makes Three
Jane has trouble sleeping

Dad gets upset when she cries

Mom VALIDATES Dads reaction

By accepting his emotional reaction as
valid, they are able to take a step
towards conflict resolution

They remain on the same page
 Validation

Promotes a sense of union

(companionship)

Invalidation creates a sense of separation
or isolation
Family Systems Theory

Emerged from observation that working

with an individual alone did not result in
change

Working with parts of, or the entire, family,
could produce long lasting change
 Baby makes three
In our example of Jane

Working with the mom, alone, who feels
isolated and contemptuous of her husband

Working with dad, alone, who feels
alienated and vulnerable

Working with the two together, you would
perceive how they interact

Work with all three
 Baby makes three
Multiple Systems Levels

Systems are imbedded within systems

In our Example of Jane

The dyadic system of Mom & Dad

The SUPRAsystem of Mom & Dad and each
of their families of origin

The SUBsystem of how Dad and Jane interact
around separation
 Family System
The Whole is greater than the parts

What the family is capable of creating exceeds the
capacities of the individual

INSTITUTIONAL perspective on marriage and
family

Farming, child rearing

EMOTIONAL perspective on marriage and family

Emotional depths not usually felt individually
 Family System
Interdependence of Parts

When one part changes, the rest changes

When Jane learns to sleep on her own,
Mom & Dad rearrange part of their
relationship

When Dad starts taking anti-depressants, it
changes the way the whole family operates

Dad is less reactive, mom is less critical,
etc.
 Family Systems

Each element in the mobile is weighted in

relation to the other to create a system
that responds to subtle changes
 Roles and Identity
Role = the expected behavior of a person
in a given category

Each of you plays many roles simultaneously

Student, child, spouse, worker, parent

Role confusion, role change, role conflict
are all potential problems to a family
system
 Marriages Make
Families
Marriage is a ROLE TRANSITION for two
individuals

The Love story they are in may change

Men become husbands and women
become wives

When babies arrive, the marriage becomes
a family
 Roles and Identity
Most of our lives, we define ourselves, at
least partly, by the roles we play in these
systems

The great exception is early adulthood

i.e. NOW

Many college students experience this as
tension upon returning home

Falling back into role-based identity that
had been left behind
 Roles and Identity
James returns from college

His role has been - student (independent),
and boyfriend (loyal, around, dependable)

His family expects him to be - son (obedient,
helpful), and worker (confined to a rigid role
8 hours/day)

His girlfriend expects him to keep his role
(which he cannot for the summer)

His brother has assumed his role in the family
in his absence (role conflict - who gets the
car keys, etc)
 Role Making
In courtship, in marriage, and in parenting

We are living through an experiment where
we are forced to reinvent the roles and
expectations associated with

Courtship and sex (hook up culture?)

Gender roles within marriage
(egalitarianism)

Division of labor in family work - who
wears the pants (earning, discipline,
playtime)
 Who will guide us?

Where do we find templates for figuring

out what to expect from ourselves and
others?
Insert Image of Your
Mom and Dad?