UnderstandingLowSelfEsteem

What is low self-esteem?

Self-esteem is an aspect of the way we view ourselves. It's different from self-image, which might describe
a whole range of characteristics (such as 'I'm British' or 'I'm female') but without implying whether they are
good or bad. Self-esteem refers to the overall opinion we have of ourselves and the value we place on
ourselves as people. Low self-esteem means that the tone of this opinion is negative: for example, 'I'm
unlovable' or 'I'm useless'. Of course most of us have mixed opinions of ourselves, but if your overall opinion
is that you are an inadequate or inferior person, if you feel that you have no true worth and are not
entitled to the good things in life, this means your self-esteem is low. And low self-esteem can have a
painful and damaging effect on your life.

UnderstandingLowSelfEsteem
How is low self-esteem manifested?
At the heart of your self-esteem are your core beliefs about the kind of person you are. If you have low
self-esteem these beliefs will be mainly negative, and negative beliefs are expressed in many ways. In
your thoughts about yourself you're likely to be self-critical, self-blaming and self-doubting, and focus on
your weaknesses rather than your positive qualities. The beliefs will affect your behaviour: you may avoid
challenges and opportunities, be continually apologetic, or find it difficult to be assertive. They can have
an impact on your emotions, generating sadness, guilt, shame, frustration or anger. This might be reflected
in your physical state, making you feel fatigued or tense.

Such beliefs can influence many aspects of your life:

At work, you may consistently underperform - or, conversely, be rigorous in your perfectionism,
driven by fear of failure.

In your personal relationships you may suffer from terrible self-consciousness, oversensitivity to
criticism or disapproval, or excessive eagerness to please. Some people with low self-esteem, on the
other hand, try to be always in control or always put others first, thinking that if they don't then no
one will want to know them.

In your leisure time you might avoid any activity where there is a risk of being judged, or perhaps
simply feel that you don't deserve to relax and enjoy yourself.

You might not take proper care of yourself, for example refusing to rest when you feel ill, or
drinking excessively or using drugs.

The effect that low self-esteem has on people depends on the role that it plays in their lives. Sometimes it
is an aspect of current problems, such as depression [link] People who are clinically depressed almost
always see themselves in a negative light. If your low opinion of yourself started with the onset of
depression, then the first priority should be to treat the depression in its own right. This could restore your
confidence in yourself without the need to directly address your self-esteem. Alternatively, low self-
esteem may be a result of something else that's causing you distress - such as relationship difficulties,
anxiety problems or chronic illness. In this case, tackling the root problem may be the best way of solving
your low self-esteem. However, it may be that low self-esteem is making you vulnerable to other
problems. These could include depression, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders or social anxiety, among
others. If this is the case, then unless your low self-esteem is tackled you'll remain vulnerable to similar
problems in future.
UnderstandingLowSelfEsteem
What causes low self-esteem?

The beliefs you have about yourself often appear to be statements of fact, although actually they're really
only opinions. They are based on the experiences you've had in life, and the messages that these
experiences have given you about the kind of person you are. If your experiences have been negative, your
beliefs about yourself are likely to be negative too.

Crucial experiences that help to form our beliefs about ourselves often (although not always) occur early in
life. What you saw, heard and experienced in childhood - in your family, in the wider community and at
school - will have influenced the way you see yourself. Examples of early experiences that could lead to
your thinking badly of yourself include:

systematic punishment, neglect or abuse

failing to meet parental standards

failing to meet peer-group standards

being on the receiving end of other people's stress or distress.

belonging to a family or social group that other people are prejudiced towards

an absence of praise, warmth, affection or interest

being the odd one out, at home or at school.

Sometimes negative beliefs about yourself are caused by experiences later in life, such as workplace
bullying or intimidation, abusive relationships, persistent stress or hardship, or traumatic events.

The Bottom Line

As we grow up we take the voices of people who were significant to us with us. We may criticize ourselves
in their sharp tones, and make the same comparisons with other people that they did. Our experiences
create a foundation for general conclusions about ourselves; judgements about ourselves as people. We
can call these conclusions 'the Bottom Line'. The Bottom Line is the negative view of the self that lies at
the heart of low self-esteem.

Because the Bottom Line is usually formed in childhood, it is usually biased and inaccurate, because it is
based on a child's-eye view. It is likely to be formed on the basis of misunderstandings about experiences,
because you had no adult knowledge with which to understand properly what was going on. Although these
beliefs may be unhelpful or outdated now, they come from a time when they made perfect sense, given
what you were experiencing then.

Biased thinking
Once the Bottom Line is in place, it becomes increasingly difficult to question it. This is because it is
maintained and strengthened by biased thinking, which means you give weight to anything that is
consistent with your beliefs, and discount anything that is not.
Two thinking biases contribute to low self-esteem: biased perception and biased interpretation. Biased
perception means that you are swift to spot anything that fits with your negative ideas about yourself, and
you screen out anything that contradicts them. So you focus on what you do wrong, and ignore what you
do right. Biased interpretation means that you distort the meanings you attach to what you experience -
even if the experience is positive (so if someone compliments you on your appearance, you might think
they meant that you must have been looking unattractive before, or that they didn't mean what they said
and were just trying to be nice).

These biases operate together to keep the Bottom Line in place. You anticipate that things will turn out
badly, and this makes you sensitive to any sign that they are turning out the way you expected. Also, no
matter how things turn out, you are likely to interpret them negatively. This means that your memories of
your ongoing experiences will also be negatively biased.

Negative beliefs about the self are a bit like prejudices - beliefs that don't take account of all the facts but
rely on biased evidence for their support.

Rules for Living

The Bottom Line leads to the development of Rules for Living: strategies for dealing with life on the
assumption that the Bottom Line is true. Rules for Living enable you to function in the world - as long as
you obey the rules. So, for example, if you have the negative belief 'I am stupid', your Rule for Living might
be 'Better not to try than to fail'. The problem with Rules for Living, however, is that, paradoxically, they
also help to reinforce the Bottom Line.

UnderstandingLowSelfEsteem
What keeps low self-esteem going?

In the short term, Rules for Living help you to get by and keep low self-esteem at bay. However, in the long
term they actually keep low self-esteem going because they make demands that are impossible to meet -
for example, perfection, complete self-control, or never going into any situation where you might fail. This
means your well-being is inevitably fragile. If you find yourself in a situation where the rules are broken, or
are in danger of being broken, then the Bottom Line that they've protected you against rears its ugly head.
Many of these situations might be very minor, day-to-day events. If your Bottom Line is 'I am not good
enough', and your Rule for Living is 'If someone criticizes me it means I have failed', then any situation
where you encounter criticism, however minor, will activate your Bottom Line. And when the Bottom Line
is activated, it triggers a vicious cycle that maintains your low self-esteem. This cycle is explained below.

Anxious predictions
A situation that activates your Bottom Line generates anxious predictions - fears about what might happen,
or all the things that could go wrong. For example, if you have to stand up and give a talk in public, and
your Bottom Line is 'I'm worthless, no one is interested in me', then your predictions are likely to be that
nobody will listen because they can see that you couldn't possibly have anything interesting to say.

The effect of anxious predictions on emotions

When we are anxious, this is manifested in a number of normal ways. We feel tense, our heart pounds, we
sweat more and feel shaky. If you have low self-esteem, however, you may interpret these reactions in a
more sinister way, leading to further anxious predictions. For example, if you were feeling shaky you might
predict that people would be able to see that you were nervous and would therefore think that you were
incompetent or weird. These interpretations add to the anxiety and make it worse.

The effect of anxious predictions on behaviour

Anxious predictions can affect your behaviour in a number of ways:

They can lead to avoidance. If you decide to avoid the situation altogether, this will provide some
relief in the short term. But the problem is that you then have no opportunity to discover whether
your predictions were correct. Things might actually have gone much better than you thought.

They can lead to unnecessary precautions. You might go to great lengths to ensure that there was
as little risk as possible in the situation (for example by rehearsing it over and over again). The
problem here is that, again, you will never find out whether your fears were true, and will feel that if
things went OK this was because of your excessive precautions.

They can disrupt performance. It's normal for the symptoms of anxiety to have some effect on our
performance. But if you have low self-esteem, rather than viewing these effects as a normal response
to pressure, you're likely to see them as a reflection on you as a person - as evidence of your basic
weakness or incompetence.

They can lead to success being discounted. Even if the event did actually go OK, if you have low
self-esteem the 'prejudice' against yourself may lead you to discount your achievement, dismissing it
as a lucky escape, or interpreting people's responses as humouring you rather than as genuinely
positive.

Completing the cycle

Whichever of these responses to anxious predictions you have, the result is a sense that your negative
beliefs about yourself are true - they are seen as confirmation of the Bottom Line. And this sense that your
beliefs are confirmed often leads to a spate of self-critical thoughts - condemnation of yourself as a
person. These, like anxious predictions, contribute to keeping low self-esteem going. They can have a
profound emotional impact, pulling you down into depression. Depression completes the vicious cycle. It
makes you more likely to view things negatively, and keeps the Bottom Line activated.

UnderstandingLowSelfEsteem
Management and treatment of low self-esteem
In order to overcome low self-esteem it's necessary to break the cycle that keeps it going. Cognitive
Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is an ideal approach for tackling low self-esteem, because it provides a clear
framework for understanding how the problem developed and what keeps it going. CBT focuses on
thoughts, beliefs and opinions, but also provides a practical approach for changing those beliefs by
changing behaviour. It encourages you to try out new ways of behaving, and to observe the effect that this
has on the way you feel about yourself. In this way you can learn to:

notice self-critical thinking and nip it in the bud

counter the bias against yourself by focusing on your skills

change the Rules for Living that cause you to enter the vicious cycle

tackle your Bottom Line.

 10 WAYS TO OVERCOME LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Low self-esteem is seeing yourself as inadequate, unacceptable, unworthy, unlovable, and/or
incompetent. These beliefs create negative, self-critical thoughts that affect your behaviour and your life
choices, often lowering your self-esteem even further. Using the tools of mindfulness, you can learn to look
at situations, other people and yourself objectively, without the negative influence of the past and with
the awareness that you always have a choice, says Deborah Ward.

Live in the moment

When you are focused on the moment, you can choose your actions consciously and wisely, unaffected by
the hurts of your past and unconcerned by worries or hopes about the future.

Develop awareness
When were aware, we can recognise how we are responding and reacting to our own fears, creating a
moment between our emotions and our actions. We can then choose to respond in a healthier way.

Write in a journal
Many of our thoughts and feelings are locked in our subconscious mind and writing can help to bring them
into our awareness. Writing about the way we feel and think can help to separate negative ideas about
ourselves from the truth of who we really are.

Be non-judgemental
When we approach our lives non-judgementally, we simply accept ourselves, our experiences, our failures
and successes and other people just as they are, neither good or bad, without pride or shame.

Stay connected to yourself

Mindfulness can help you to develop a sense of connection to yourself and reduce your people-pleasing
ways by allowing you to stop the autopilot thinking and behaviour that keeps you jumping to please others
without thinking of your own needs.

Practice mindful meditation

Meditation just means letting go of the racing thoughts in your mind and accepting that those thoughts,
feelings and beliefs are transient, rather than parts of yourself. Take a few moments every day to simply
be still, focus on your breathing and watch your worries drift away like clouds.

Participate in your own life

Mindfulness encourages us to become active and assertive in creating our own lives. Awareness of your
thoughts and choosing your responses to them enables you to take action and participate in your own life.

Develop a beginners mind

When you have a beginners mind, you look at things as if you are seeing them for the first time, with
openness, eagerness and freedom from expectation. You can see things in a new light, rather than
automatically responding with the same old patterns of behaviour.

Let go
Non-attachment, or letting go, is the goal of mindfulness. When you let go of what you think you should do
or who you should be, you can trust yourself and choose whats right for you.

Show compassion toward yourself

You deserve love as much as anyone else. Self-compassion simply means providing yourself with the love,
safety and acceptance you need.

Here are 25 things to remember when you have low

self-esteem:
1. You deserve more.
When you are having a low self-esteem day, remind yourself that you deserve more than the negative
beliefs you cloak yourself in. You are as deserving of success, happiness, and love as anyone in the world,
even if you dont feel that way in the moment. Accepting this intellectually will help you change your
thoughts when your beliefs try to pull you down.

2. You have one life.

As far as you know today, this is your one and only life. If you live to age ninety, figure out how many days
left you have to live. Really, add it up. You have a limited number of days, so do you want to waste one of
them feeling bad about yourself and not demanding the best life has to offer? Do you really want to let
others determine how you will live, or give away your precious life to fear?

3. You can live with discomfort.

So many of my personal fears related to upsetting other people. It is uncomfortable to make people angry
or feel their judgement or criticism. But you can live with it. If you stand up for yourself frequently
enough, theyll get the message. Youll also feel incredibly empowered by speaking your mind and claiming
your personal authority.

4. Mistakes and failure are good.

Sometimes we lack self-esteem because weve messed up in some way and therefore view ourselves as
worth less. We think were worth less because we arent perfect. But anyone who is successful will tell
you they reached success on the stepping stones of failure and screw-ups. Mistakes and failure reveal a
willingness to take risk and try.

5. Thoughts and beliefs arent reality.

Low self-esteem is the result of years of messed up thinking. Something from your past contributed to your
feeling lesser than. The triggering event is over, but your thoughts and feelings about it go on and on,
making it feel like its as real as the original event. Thoughts and beliefs are nothing more than amorphous
habits of consciousness.

6. Action always helps.

Rather than ruminating on how bad you feeling about yourself, do something positive and productive. This
is particularly effective if the action you take relates to improving the area where you feel low self-
esteem. If youre feeling bad about your weight for example, go take a walk or exercise in some way.
Action makes you feel in control of your destiny.

7. Beauty is overrated.
In my research on self-esteem, I found that most people hate their appearance and feel bad about
themselves as a result. We live in a culture that worships youth and beauty, but in reality most people
arent beautiful by the medias standards. Everyone is physically flawed in some way. Imagine a life
where it simply didnt matter how you look. Then try to live that way.

8. Comparing is toxic.
How much time do you spend comparing yourself to other people and how they look, what they own, or
what theyve achieved? Comparing yourself to others is destructive to your self-esteem. Keep your eye on
your own prize and stay focused on your goals and dreams. Live your one unique life the best way you can
without worrying what others are doing.

9. Appearances are deceptive.

When we compare ourselves to others, we often get trapped in the false thinking that other people have
perfects lives while were living our little crappy lives. Unless you are living inside another persons home
and have access to their thoughts and feelings, you simply dont know the truth about their lives.
Appearances are only a sliver of the truth.

10. Most fears are illusions.

This goes back to not believing your thoughts. Fear is aroused to warn you of imminent danger, but most of
our fears relate to perceived events in the future. And most of these events arent life-threatening. You
may always feel some amount of fear and anxiety, but you can use your logical mind to remind yourself
that you arent going to die.

11. You have many accomplishments.

If youre like most people, you probably spend far less time pondering your accomplishments than you do
your failures. Turn that around. Focus on your accomplishments and successes, even the most insignificant.
You have achieved so much in a lifetime. Take some time to write them down and savor them.
12. Healthy relationships begin with self-love.
When you have low self-esteem, your relationships suffer. A lack of confidence and neediness are
unattractive and push others away from you, which only makes your low self-esteem worse. Practice self-
love by honoring your own needs and desires, and by being compassionate and forgiving of yourself.

13. People pleasing backfires.

As I experienced myself, being a people pleaser doesnt promote self-esteem or foster authentic, intimate
relationships. You might get a temporary boost from the positive reinforcement, but over time you lose
your sense of self and your respect for yourself. Please yourself first so you have the confidence to make
sound decisions about dealing with the wants and needs of others.

14. Passive-aggression is unhealthy.

Those who suffer with low self-esteem often use passive aggressive behaviors when they feel angry or
frustrated. They arent assertive enough to state plainly what they want or need. Sometimes passive
aggressiveness erupts into unexpected angry outbursts. Learn about passive-aggressive behaviors and how
you can practice healthier ways of communicating your feelings.

15. Its okay to have boundaries.

Often people with low self-esteems are afraid to implement personal boundaries. In fact, they may not
have defined any boundaries because they dont believe they should have them. Remember, its not only
okay to have them, but it is absolutely necessary for self-esteem and positive relationships. Other people
may resist at first, but eventually theyll respect you more for having boundaries.

16. Social skills can be learned.

If you feel unhappy with yourself because you dont relate well to others or youre social skills are lacking,
dont assume you have a personality or character flaw. Often people dont learn these communication
skills growing up and feel insecure as they get older. They fear reaching out for help since it would draw
attention to their flaws. Social and communication skills can be learned by observing others, through
reading and research, and with instruction from a therapist or coach.

17. You can let go of people.

When were insecure in ourselves, we often believe we are the cause for the bad behavior of others. They
are angry, controlling, unreliable, or unhappy because we havent tried hard enough, or we did something
wrong. Sometimes people simply have draining, negative personalities, and you dont need to keep them in
your life. Its okay to let go of people who drag you down.

18. Your instincts and judgements are the best.

Do you find yourself frequently looking to others to reinforce your decisions or reassure you that youre
worthy and lovable? No one knows better what is best for you than you do. Practice making decisions
without the input of others. Also, define what worthy and lovable mean to you, rather than looking
outside of yourself for reassurance.
19. Your words are powerful.
If you say disparaging, unloving things about yourself, you are reinforcing your feelings of low self-esteem.
The spoken word is powerful and cements your thoughts and beliefs more firmly. Putting yourself down
also creates a negative perception in the minds of those who hear you. Remember when your mom would
tell you, If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything? Well that applies to saying unloving
things about yourself.

20. People dont think about you as much as you

fear.
Think about the number of times youve worried what other people must think of you or how they perceive
you. The fear of other peoples perceptions holds us back from taking action and or being ourselves.
However, most people are far too concerned about themselves to spend to much time focused on what you
say or do. You dont need to fret about this so much.

21. Life is more grey than black and white.

Those with low self-esteem tend to have rigid perceptions about how things are supposed to be, because
they dont trust themselves. Black and white thinking makes it easier to know what to do. This thinking
often comes from blindly following authority figures. But there is so much more to life than your singular
perceptions, and its empowering to discover the variety of possibilities in thinking and acting when you let
go of rigidity.

22. Your true self is more interesting than your

mask.
Whomever you might be pretending to be in order to feel better about yourself, this person isnt nearly as
appealing as the authentic you. Authenticity is one of the most attractive traits a person can have. Try
dropping the mask and allow yourself to be real.

23. The present moment is reality.

Insecure people tend to dwell in the past and the future and ruminate about mistakes and worries.
However, real life happens in the here and now. Its the only reality, and its the only place to find peace,
security, and happiness. How can you lack self-esteem when the present moment is perfect?

24. Youre more capable than you think.

If you set your aim low in order to protect yourself, then you never stretch to your fullest potential. If low
self-esteem has held you back from taking chances or reaching for your dreams, youll never know how
truly capable and talented you are.

25. Seeking help is courageous.

Some people view counseling as yet another sign of weakness or embarrassment. Actually, its a sign of
strength and courage to acknowledge you want to change and to do something about it. A trained
counselor can help you heal past wounds that triggered low self-esteem and work with you on new
behaviors so you can love and respect yourself.