LATE TONIGHT WITH BARACK OBAMA

(Animated TV Comedy Series)

"Pilot" ("McNuggets and Jennifer Aniston")

by

Rodney Ohebsion
INT.NEWSROOM-NIGHT

ANEWSANCHOR(female,40)isfinishingupasegmentand
closingtheshow.

NEWSANCHOR
...andgaspriceswentupto$2.28
atnoon,onlytogodownto$2.27
bymidday,andskyrocketto$2.29
intheevening.My.Whata
rollercoasterride.It'sbetter
thanSixFlags.Andthatdoesit
fortonight.Thanksforjoining
us.StaytunedforLateTonight
withBarackObama.

INT.LATENIGHTSHOWSTUDIO-NIGHT

JOEBIDENandhisBANDstartplayingtheintromusic.

HILLARYCLINTONisintheannouncer'sarea.

HILLARYCLINTON
(announcing)
LivefromfromNewYorkCity,ona
sevenhourdelay.It'sLate
TonightwithBarackObama,his
sidekickSofaVergara,bandleader
JoeBiden,andsomebandmembers
we'renotgonnamentionbyname,
becausethehellwiththem!And
now,aguywho'srumoredtohave
twoterabytesofIslamiccontent
onhiscomputer:BarackHussein
Obama.

BARACKOBAMAappearsonthestage.

TheSTUDIOAUDIENCEapplaudsforhim.

SOFIAVERGARAisseatedinthesidekick'sseat.

BARACKOBAMA
WelcometotheLateTonightShow.
Um,we'vegotafabulousshowfor
youtonight.Let'sstartby
talkingabouttheeconomy.Didyou
guyshearabouttoday'seconomic
news?McDonald'shikedupthe
priceofNcNuggetsbytwocents
perMcNugget.

SOFIAVERGARA
Ohmygoodness.
 2.

BARACKOBAMA
You're,uh,concernedaboutthe
priceincrease,Sofia?

SOFIAVERGARA
No.IthinkIjusttheghostof
PabloEscobarintheaudience.

BARACKOBAMA
Oh.Uh.Security.Pleaseescort
theghostofPabloEscobaroutof
thisstudio.

ASECURITYOFFICERisstandingneartheaudience.

SECURITYOFFICE
Uh.Yes,Mr.Obama.

TheSecurityOfficerwalkstotheAudience,andwanders
around,notknowingwhattodo.

BARACKOBAMA
Anyways,weweretalkingabout
McDonald'sandtheirprice
increase.Uh.Joe--doyoueat
McNuggets?

JOEBIDEN
Absolutely,Barack.Iusuallygo
forthe12pieceorder.That'sthe
onewheretheygiveyou12
McNuggets.ButifI'monadiet,I
goforthe6pieceorder.That's
theonewheretheygiveyou6
McNuggets.

BARACKOBAMA
Youdon'tneedtoexplainthe
numberstome,Joe.Inadditionto
myMaster'sdegreeinLaw,Ialso
haveaBachelor'sdegreein
McMathematics.Withaminorin
McRoeconomics.
(toAudience)
That'swordplay,ladiesand
gentlemen.I'maprofessionallate
nighthost.Donottrythiskind
ofhumorathome.

SOFIAVERGARA
Whatishome?

BARACKOBAMA
Homeistheplacewherepeople
live.
 3.

SOFIAVERGARA
Oh.

BARACKOBAMA
(toJoe)
So,whatdoyouthinkofthe2
centpriceincreaseperMcNugget?

JOE
2cents,2dollars,2
deutchmarks--I'llpaywhatever
theyask.

BARACKOBAMA
Mmhm.So,you'rethataddicted?

JOE
I'maddictedtotwothings,your
highness.I'maddictedto
McNuggets,andI'maddictedto
everysinglekindofillegaldrug
soldonthecornerofParkAvenue
and427thstreet.Yeah!

BARACKOBAMA
Yeah,indeed.Thankyouforthat,
Joe.Youmoron.
(toAudience)
Andinothernews,President
DonaldTrumpsaidyesterdaythat
hewantstoalterimmigration
laws,sothatonlyMexicanmen
withmustachesareallowedinthe
country.Nomustache,novisa.
WhenBillClintonwasaskedabout
Trump'splan,hesaid,"I'lldo
youonebetter.Ionlywanttolet
inMexicanwomenwithbig,round
buttockses."That'sBillClinton,
folks.I,uh,guesshe'sanass
man.

JOE
He'salsooneofournation's
finestPresidents.

MostoftheAudienceclaps.Someofthemboo.AREDNECKin
theaudienceyellsout.

REDNECK
He'sadamnliberal!

STEREOTYPICALNEWYORER
Whydon'tyoukissmyass,buddy!?
 4.

Theyfight.

BARACKOBAMA
Security!

SECURITYOFFICE
Yes,Mr.Obama.

BARACKOBAMA
Letthosetwomencontinue
fighting.

SECURITYOFFICE
Yes,sir.

BARACKOBAMA
(toJoe,Sofia,andthe
Audience)
Youknow,IactuallyhadBill
Clintonoverfordinnerafew
weeksago.Hejustshowedupatmy
dooronenightandaskedforcorn.
SoIlethimin,andasyoumight
imagine,heandI,twoformer
Presidents,weopenedupseven
cansofcornandweatethemfor
supper.Ihadthreecans,andBill
hadfour.Hewasmightyhungry.We
hadLibby'sbrandcorn.Imake$83
millionayear.So,whenIeat
cannedcornfordinner,it'sthe
Libby'sbrand.It'sdefinitelynot
theUltraValuebrand.IuseUltra
Valuecornasapaperweight.Iput
acanofitonsomepiecesof
paperonmydesk.That'swhatIdo
withUltraValuecorn.

HILLARYCLINTON
Obama.You'reramblingagain.

BARACKOBAMA
Hillary.Pleasejuststicktoyour
announcingduties.Andtellyour
husbandtostopshowingupatmy
dooraskingforcannedvegetables.

HILLARYCLINTON
Hey.I'mnotthebossofhim.I
wasthebossofhimwhenhewas
President.ButnowIjustlethim
roamaroundonhisown,likethe
dirtydogthatheis.
 5.

BARACKOBAMA
Hm.OK.Thatwasquite,um--I
don'tknowwhatthatwas.I'm
gonnaneedtobuyavowel.Someone
showacommercialforLibby's
corn.

AnonscreengraphicforLibby'scorn

HILLARYCLINTON(V.O.)
Libby'scorn.Thecornofchoice
whenyou'retoosnobbytoeat
UltraValuecorn.

BacktoObama

BARACKOBAMA
Hm.Verynice,Hillary.Good
announcing.Libby's.

SOFIAVERGARA
WhatisthisLibby'syouareall
talkingabout?

BARACKOBAMA
Libby's.It'sapremiumbrandof
corn.

SOFIAVERGARA
WhenIwaslivinginColombia,we
didn'thavebrandsofcorn.We
justhadcorn.Nobrand.

BARACKOBAMA
Hm.Ididnowknowthat.

JOE
Idid.

BARACKOBAMA
Iseriouslydoubtthat,Joe.

JOE
You'reprobablyright.Iprobably
don'tknowanything.

BARACKOBAMA
(toAudience)
OK.Well.Myproduceristelling
methatIneedtofillupthenext
fiveminuteswithsomething.
There'snoscriptforthenext
fiveminutes.That'slatenight,
ladiesandgentleman.
(MORE)
 6.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
Hereonthisshow,wegottafill
upanhoureverynight,andthat
hourhastobehighlypalatableto
the,um,entertainmenttastebuds
oftheAmericanpublic.Thisisa
toughjob.It's,uh--vastly
differentfrombeingthePresident
andrunningthecountry.Being
PresidentistheMinorLeagues.
Hostingalatenightshowisis
theMajorLeagues.Youknowwhat?
Ihaveagreatidea.Let'stalk
somemoreaboutLibby'scorn.

SOFIAVERGARA
TheyshouldsellLibby'scornat
McDonald's.

BARACKOBAMA
Hm.Excellentidea,Sofia.Letme
getaQuarterPounderwithcheese,
anda14ouncecanofLibby's
corn.MadeinAmerica.
(toAudience)
Littleknownfact:Libby'scornis
growninIowa,cookedinIowa,and
cannedinIowa.UnlikeUltraValue
corn,whichisgrownin
Antarctica,cookedinFlint,
Michigan,andcannedatmyAunt
Agnes'shouse.Uh.Someoneshowa
commercialforAuntAgnes.

AnonscreengraphicshowingAuntAgnesstandinginher
frontlawn

HILLARYCLINTON(V.O.)
AuntAgnes.Sheoncehadanaffair
withhernextdoorneighbor.

BacktoObama

BARACKOBAMA
(toAudience)
OK.Here'ssomethingfascinating.
Hitachijustannouncedthatit's
discontinuingtheproductionof
VCRs.Becauseapparently,withall
theYouTubeandiPhonesandBlu
Raydiscsfloatingaroundthese
days,nobodyreallyappreciatesan
episodeofPerfectStrangers
recordedinEPmodeonaVHS
cassette.
 7.

JOEBIDEN
LetmetellyouwhatIdo,Barack.
IrecordTheSuiteLifeofZach
andCodyonBETAMAXtapes.

BARACKOBAMA
Joe.Don'tforgettotakeyour
medication.

JOEBIDEN
MyiPhoneremindsmetotake
ZoloftandPaxileverymorningat
10:30am.Butyouknowwhat?I
ignoremyiPhone.Whothehellis
someiPhonetotellmewhatpills
Ishouldandshouldn'ttake?

SOFIAVERGARA
Exactly.TheiPhonetalkstoo
much.SometimesItellmyiPhone
toshutup.Isay,"Shutup,
iPhone!Shutup!"

MICHELLEOBAMAcomesstormingontothesetandupto
Barack.She'sholdingapackofcigarettes.

BARACKOBAMA
(toAudience)
Well,ladiesandgentleman.It's
mycharmingandelegantwife,
MichelleObama.
(toMichelle)
Uh.Whatbringsyouontotheshow,
MichelleObama?

MICHELLEOBAMA
Iwasgoingthroughyourmini
fridgeintheoffice.Ifoundthis
packofcigarettesunderneatha
packofkale.Areyousmoking
again?

BARACKOBAMA
Honey.Listen.Uh...Those
cigarettescamewiththekale.
They'rerunningapromotionatthe
grocerystore.Buyonebunchof
kale,getonepackofMarlboros
forfree.
(toAudience)
OK.Here'sasegmentwecall

Onscreengraphic
 8.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
"SomepeoplethinkDonaldTrumpis
outofhisdamnmind."

EXT.STREET-DAY

AnINTERVIEWERwalksuptoaMAN.

INTERVIEWER
WhatdoyouthinkofPresident
Trump?

MAN
Ithinkhe'soutofhisdamnmind.

INT.STUDIO-DAY

BacktoObamaandMichelle.

MICHELLEOBAMA
Barack.Whataboutthecigarettes?

BARACKOBAMA
(toAudience)
Andhere'sanothersegmentwecall
"SomepeoplethinkDonaldTrump
doesn'tknowhisheadfromhis
ass."

EXT.STREET-DAY

TheInterviewerwalksuptoaWOMAN.

INTERVIEWER
WhatdoyouthinkofPresident
Trump?

WOMAN
Ithinkhedoesn'tknowhishead
fromhisass.

INT.STUDIO-DAY

BacktoObama.Michelleisnolongerstandingnexttohim.

BARACKOBAMA
Well.Apparently,thepublichas
mixedopinionsofPresidentTrump.
Joe--didyouhappentocatch
Trump'sspeechlastnightonTV?
 9.

JOEBIDEN
No.Iwasbusy.

BARACKOBAMA
Doingwhat?

JOEBIDEN
Iwasarrangingmyjuiceboxes
accordingtotheDeweyJuice
DecimalSystem.Ittookfour
hours.

BARACKOBAMA
Thatsoundsaboutright.

SOFIAVERGARA
IwatchedthespeechofTrump.

BARACKOBAMA
Andwhatdidyouthinkofit?

SOFIAVERGARA
IthinkTrumpislocoenla
manzanagallo.

BARACKOBAMA
...YouthinkTrumpiscrazyin
theapplerooster?

SOFIAVERGARA
IsthatwhatIsaid?

BARACKOBAMA
Ibelieveso.

SOFIAVERGARA
Oh.Well.It'saColombian
expression.

BARACKOBAMA
Yes.It's,uh,quitepoetic.

JOEBIDEN
IlovetheColombianlanguage.
(toSofia)
Whatdoyouguyscallthat
languageagain?

SOFIAVERGARA
Um.Ithinkit'scalledSpanish.

HillaryClintonwalksontothesetwavingametaldetector
around,andnotlookingatObama.Sh'sinbetweenObama's
deskandthecamera.
 10.

BARACKOBAMA
Um.HeyHillary.

HILLARYCLINTON
Oh.Uh.Hi,Obama.

BARACKOBAMA
Um.We'rekindofdoingashow
here.

HILLARYCLINTON
Dude--I'mbusyrightnow.Idon't
havetimetochitchatwithyou.

BARACKOBAMA
Well.I'mnotengaginginchit
chatrightnow,Hillary.Chitchat
iswhenItalkabouthowIbought
asixpackofLouisVuttonboxer
shortsfor$1500.RightnowI'm
addressingthefactthatyou're
lookingforpreciousmetalsinthe
middleofourEmmyawardwinning
televisionprogram.

HILLARYCLINTON
Emmyawardwinning?

BARACKOBAMA
Yeah.

HILLARYCLINTON
ThisshowwononeEmmyforbest
soundmixing.That'sit.

BARACKOBAMA
Well.Nowyou'rejustarguing
semantics.Now,um,Ihatetobea
nuisance,butwouldyoumind
explainingtomewhyyou'retrying
todetectmetalduringour
criticallyacclaimed,Emmyaward
winningshow?

HILLARYCLINTON
Well.Icanthinkofonereason,
Obama.I'manunpaidinternon
thisshow.AndIneedto
supplementmy$0salarywith
metal.

BARACKOBAMA
Hm.Veryinteresting.
 11.

Hillarywalkstosomeotherareaofthesetandcontinues
usingthemetaldetector.

HILLARYCLINTON
Ihearsomething.Itbetterbe
somethinggood.Ifit'sironor
aluminum,there'sgonnabesome
helltopayaroundhere!

Shetakesoutashovelandstartsdigging.

Obamatakesouthisphoneandcallessomeone.

BARACKOBAMA
(onphone)
Bob.Isthereanywaywecan
decreaseHillaryClinton'ssalary
tolessthan$0?...Well.Figure
outaway.
(putsawaythephone)
(toAudience)
Anyways,let'smoveontoourlist
fortoday.Thislistcontainsten
items--butit'snotnecessarilya
toptenlist.Sohere'salistof
tenreasonswhyJoeBideneats
FruitLoopsforbreakfast.Number
1--theycomewithafreeprize.

JOE
Lasttime,thefreeprizewasa
LadyGagasticker.Iputitonmy
RollsRoyce.

BARACKOBAMA
Number2--FruitLoopscontainno
actualfruit.

JOE
I'mveryanti-vitamin.

BARACKOBAMA
Well.Michellewouldnot
appreciatethatcomment.

JOE
Great.I'mveryanti-Michelle.

BARACKOBAMA
Me,too.
(tocamera)
(MORE)
 12.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
Number3--Joethinksthefourfood
groupsarechildren'scereal,
chocolatemilk,gluten,and
McNugget.Number4--hethinksthat
duetotheshapeofFruitLoops,
they'reactuallydonuts.Number
5--he'samoron.Number6--Fruit
Loopstastegood.Number7--maybe
IamMuslim.Number8--Imight
alsobeKenyan.Number
9--whatever.Andthenumber10
reasonwhyJoeBideneatsFruit
Loops:hefindsthemeasierto
readthanAlpha-Bits.

JOE
Hey.FruitLoopsarenotthateasy
toread.Yougottadistinguish
betweentheredOsandthegreen
Os.

SOFIAVERGARA
Also,youhavetodistinguish
betweentheSpanishOsandthe
EnglishOs.

BARACKOBAMA
(tocamera)
Anyways,myfirstguestisthe
starofthenewmovieBanana
RepublicCoupdeTat.You'veall
seenherinnumerousmovies,and
thehitTVshowFriends.Everyone
giveawarmwelcometoJennifer
Aniston.

JENNIFERANISTONenters,greetsObamaandSofia,andsits
downintheguest'sseat.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
It'sgreattohaveyouonthe
show,JenniferAniston.

JENNIFERANISTON
It'sgreattobehere,Barack
Obama.

BARACKOBAMA
Youlookgreat.

JENNIFERANISTON
Thankyou.
 13.

BARACKOBAMA
Ontheotherhand,youremindof
myex-wife.ThewhoreIpay
$27,000toeverymonth.Bythe
way--Michelleismysecondwife.
AndI'mcurrentlylookingfora
thirdwife.Isthereanyoneyou
recommend?

JENNIFERANISTON
Um.Notreally.Idon'twantto,
uh,youknow.Idon'twantto
crossMichelleObama.Sheseems
likeahostileperson.

BARACKOBAMA
She'sapainintheass.Youknow,
IthinkI'mgonnadothewhite
thingthisthirdtime.Myfirst
wifewaswhite.Michelleisblack.
Nexttimearound,let'strywhite
again.

JENNIFERANISTON
Um.Canwetalkaboutsomething
else?

BARACKOBAMA
(takesoutacigarette
andlightit)
Likewhat?

JENNIFERANISTON
Well.Iguesswecantalkaboutmy
newmovie.

SOFIAVERGARA
That'sagoodidea.It'slikewe
sayinColombia."Elgalloheche
lamanzanaroja,elDonaldTrump
eslocoenlacabesa."

Obamaisnowsnortingcocaineoffofthetable.

BARACKOBAMA
YouknowwhatmovieIreallylike?
PoliceAcademy3.

JENNIFERANISTON
Um.Ihaven'tseenthatone.
 14.

BARACKOBAMA
I,uh,sawitafewdaysago--and
Ialsosawit344timesbefore
that.It'sgreat.Yougottalove
Mahoney.EspeciallyinPolice
Academy3.Youknow,Part3ismy
favoritePoliceAcademymovie.

JOE
Minetoo,Barack.Theactingin
themovieisamazing.There'sa
Chineseguyinthemovie,andhe
actsjustlikeaChineseguy.

BARACKOBAMA
Thankyouforthatcontribution,
Joe.Nowpleasetakeyour
medication.

Sofia'sphonestartsringing.

SOFIAVERGARA
That'smyiPhone.

Shetakesitoutofherpurseandyellsatit.

SOFIAVERGARA(CONT'D)
Shutup,iPhone!Shutup!

MichellewalksuptoObamaagain.

MICHELLEOBAMA
Barack.Let'sgo.Wehavetobeat
Jay-ZandBeyonce'shousein30
minutes.

BARACKOBAMA
Um.Honey.I'minterviewing
JenniferAnistonrightnow.

MICHELLEOBAMA
Whatfor?

BARACKOBAMA
Youknow.Mylatenightvariety
show.

MICHELLEOBAMA
Thehellwithyourshow!I'm
talkingaboutBeyonce.Sheinvited
usoverforcaviar.

BARACKOBAMA
I'llbedonewiththeshowsoon.
 15.

MICHELLEOBAMA
When?

BARACKOBAMA
I'llbedonewhenI'mdone,woman!
Gowait!

MICHELLEOBAMA
Oh.Well.
(takesoffherearnings)
I'llbewaitingforyouinyour
office.Bytheway--we'regonna
haveafistfightthere.

BARACKOBAMA
Sure.We'llhaveafistfight,as
soonasyoupassthedrugtest.

MICHELLEOBAMA
I'mnotonsteroids,Barack!I'll
beinyouroffice.Getreadyfor
thefight.

BARACKOBAMA
(toJenniferAniston)
Anyways.Weweretalkingabout
yourmovie.IsDenzelWashington
init.

JENNIFERANISTON
Uh.No.Imean,Denzelisagreat
actor.But,uh,he'snotinthis
particularmovie.

BARACKOBAMA
ArethereanyAfrican-Americansin
yourmovie?

JENNIFERANISTON
Um.Well.No.Butthereisa
PuertoRicanguy.Idon'tknowif
thatcounts.

JOE
ItdependsonhowPuertoRicanhe
is.Doeshesalsadanceforthree
hoursaday?

JENNIFERANISTON
Idon'tknow.

BARACKOBAMA
(toJoeBiden)
Stopaskingquestions,Joe.
(MORE)
 16.

BARACKOBAMA(CONT'D)
(toJenniferAniston)
Anyways.Let'stalkaboutyou.
Theytellmeyouliketoswim.

JENNIFERANISTON
Yeah.It'sreallymypassion.I
loveitsomuch.

JOE
Youmustreallyloveit.

BARACKOBAMA
Isaidstoptalking,Joe.

JOE
Yousaidstopaskingquestions.I
didn'taskaquestion.

BARACKOBAMA
Fine.Whatever.Iguessyoumight
aswellsaysomestuffeveryonce
inawhile.Afterall--thenetwork
ispayingyou$8.4millionayear.

JOE
AndI'mwortheverypenny.

SOFIAVERGARA
(tonobodyin
particular)
Ilearnedanewwordontoday's
show."Home."Ilearnedtheword
home.Itmeansaplacewhere
peoplelive.

BARACKOBAMA
(toJennifer)
Now,um,takemethroughthe
differentkindsofswimming.I
knowthere'ssomethingcalledthe
butterfly.

JENNIFERANISTON
Right.

BARACKOBAMA
Now,doesthatrequireyoutoform
acocoon?

JENNIFERANISTON
Uh.No,Mr.President.The
butterflystrokeinvolvesusingan
undulation.
 17.

BARACKOBAMA
OK.I'm,uh--I'mfamiliarwitha
dulation.ButI'mnotasfamiliar
withanundulation.Iseedulators
alloverWashingtonandNewYork.
But,uh,Idon'tknowifI'veever
seenanyoneundulate.Now,how
exactlycanIidentifyan
undulator?

JENNIFERANISTON
(looksatherwatch)
We'rerunningoutoftime.Canwe,
youknow?

BARACKOBAMA
Havesexualintercourse?

JENNIFERANISTON
No.Canwetalkalittlemore
aboutmymovie?Wealreadycovered
howthere'saPuertoRicanguyin
it.ButIthinkmaybeweshould
just,youknow,notconfine
ourselvestothat.

BARACKOBAMA
Right.Yeah.Joe.Askhera
questionabouthermovie,whileI
eatthissubwaysandwich.

Obamastartseatingafootlongsandwich.

JOE
Ihaveagoodquestionaboutyour
movie,JenniferAniston.Isyour
moviegood?

JENNIFERANISTON
Uh.Yeah.

BARACKOBAMA
(tocamera)
Youheardithere,ladiesand
gentleman.JenniferAniston'snew
movieisgood.Soheadondownto
yourlocaltheaterandseeher
goodmoviethisweekend.OK.My
nextguestisaGrammyaward
winningmusician.Andhe'sgonna
beperformingasongoffhisnew
album.Thealbumisentitled
Popeye'sGravy.Thesongiscalled
"BiscuitsandChicken."Andthe
artistisBobDylan.
 18.

BOBDYLANwalksontothestageandperforms.

BOBDYLAN
AbrahamLincoln/Biscuitsand
chicken/Idolotsofdrinking/
Butnotthatmuchthinking/I'm
notCanadian/WhatisIranian?/
Myneighbor'snameisDamien/
Actuallyit'sJose/Democracyis
amonarchy/DVDs,buyone,get
onefree/RSVPformyparty/
Republican,Democrat,insanity/
Chipotlechargesextrafor
guacamole/Travoltadiscodanced
asAnthony/Iwrotethissong
whenIwasonPCP/Itmakesno
sense,buteverythingrhymes/
ExceptforIguessthenextfew
lines/Changetheremoteanddust
yourkitchen/AmazonPrimeisa
sosovalue/Shabadooismy
favoriteSoulTraindancer

Thesongends.ObamawalksuptoBobDylanandshakeshis
hand.

BARACKOBAMA
Thatwasfantastic.Exceptyou
kindofneedtotakesinging
lessons.Also,99%ofyourlyrics
areridiculous.
(tocamera)
Alright.TheLateReallyLateShow
isupnext.Goodnight,everybody.

HillarClintonissortingthroughabunchofmetalitems.

HILLARYCLINTON
(tocamera)
StaytunedforTheLateReally
LateShow.Goodnight,everybody.

INT.STUDIO2-NIGHT

AnotherBANDisplayingintromusic.

ANNOUNCER(V.O.)
Fromsomestudioinanundisclosed
location--possiblyinElSegundo,
it'sTheLateReallyLateShow,
withNicolasCage,andtheLouis
Lemackerelband.Nowhere'syour
host,NicolasCage!
 19.

NICOLASCAGEenters,andstartsdancinglikeamaniac.

NICOLASCAGE
Welcometotheshow,everyone.You
knowhowTrumpsayshe'stheleast
racistpersonintheworld?Wrong!
I'mthetheleastracistpersonin
theworld!Ishouldchallenege
Trumptoanun-racistoff.Wegot
agreatshowforyoutonight.
Greatshow!Itwasrainingtoday!
Hellyeah!Idrankthatrain!I
drankit.Letmeaskyou
something,ladiesandgents.
WhateverhappenedtoLionel
Ritchie?Greatmusician!High
impactmusic.Youknowthat
WhitneyHoustonsongwhereshe
sings,"Igetsoemotional,baby!"
Well.That'showIfeelwhenI
listentoLionelRitchiesongs.I
getsoemotional,baby!Alright!
McDonald's.Theyincreasedtheir
McNuggetpricesbytwocents.
That'sthebignews.Wegotta
analyzethebignews.It'soneof
society'srules--isitnot?
Analyzetheprominentnewsstory,
Analyzethedamnstory!
McDonald's.McyD's.McyD's.They
increasedtheirMcNuggetpricesby
twocents.Well.Youknow,that
remindsmeofagreatjokeIheard
lastTuesdayatmylocal
crackhouse.HowmanyMcNuggets
doesittaketoscrewinalight
bulb?Two.Onetoholdthelight
bulb,andtheothertotobeIrish
anddrinkwhiskeyuntiltheroom
startsspinning.Hahahahaha.
Getit?It'sajokeabouthow
Irishpeopledrinkalot.
McNuggets.Mc.Asin,Irishpeople
havelastnamesthatstartwith
Mc.HowmanyMcNuggetsdoesit
taketoscrewinalightbulb?
Two.Onetoholdthelightbulb,
andtheothertotobeIrishand
drinkwhiskeyuntiltheroom
startsspinning.Hahahahaha.

NicolasCagewalksuptoaSTUDIOAUDIENCEMEMBER(male).

NICOLASCAGE(CONT'D)
Laugh!Thatjokewasfunny!
 20.

STUDIOAUDIENCEMEMBER
Uh.OK.Hahahaha.

NICOLASCAGE
Laughatthefunnyjokes.But
don'tlaughattheunfunnyjokes.
Like,here'sanunfunnyjoke.What
doyouputbetweentwoslicesof
bread?Peanutbutterandjelly!
Don'tlaugh!Don'tlaugh!It'snot
funny.

STUDIOAUDIENCEMEMBER
Um.OK.

NicolasCagewalksbackuptothestage.

NICOLASCAGE
Andhere'sasegmentcalledKiss
MyAss.

Anonscreengraphicsays"KissMyAss"

ANNOUNCER(V.O.)
Kissmyass!

BacktoNicolasCage.

NICOLASCAGE
OK.Greatsegment.Ireallylike
thepartaboutkissmyass.
Anyways,myguestfortonightis
somewoman.

CELINEDIONisseatedintheguest'sseat.NicolasCage
sitsdownnexttoher.

NICOLASCAGE(CONT'D)
What'syourname,somewoman?

CELINEDION
CelineDion

NICOLASCAGE
CelineDion!LikeMadisonAvenue,
ontheMonopolyboard.

CELIONDION
No.Notatall.Idon'tknowwhat
you'retalkingabout.

NICOLASCAGE
IfIhadanickelforeverytime
someonesaidthattome....Give
meanickel.
 21.

CELINEDION
Excuseme?

NICOLASCAGE
Isaid,givemeanickel!

CELINEDION
Fine.
(takeanickeloutof
herpurseandhandsit
tohim)
Hereyougo.

NICOLASCAGE
Whatthehellisthis?Thereare
nodeadPresidentsonthisnickel.

CELINEDION
It'saCanadiannickel.

NICOLASCAGE
Waitasecond.Areyoutellingme
thatyou'refromMexico?

CELINEDION
Uh.No.I'mtellingyouthatI'm
fromCanada.

NICOLASCAGE
Canada!WhatthehellisCanada?

CELINEDION
It'sacountry.Locatednorthof
theUnitedStates.

NICOLASCAGE
Mmhm.Yeah.Andwhothehellare
you--mygeographyteacher?

CELINEDION
No.I'mamusicalartist.I'mon
yourshow.

NICOLASCAGE
Well,justcallmeMarvinGardens,
baby.

CELINEDION
Um.OK,MarvinGardens

NICOLASCAGE
Youlandedonmewithonehotel.
That'llbe$23millioncash!No
credit!
 22.

CELINEDION
ThisisnothowweplayMonopoly
inCanada.

NICOLASCAGE
Anyways.You'rea
celebrity--right?

CELINEDION
Yes.Iamquitewellknown.

NICOLASCAGE
That'swhywehaveyouonour
show.Becausewe'reabunchof
corporatewhores.Wegottafeed
intosocietydirectives,which
stateunequivocallythatyouhave
toputaspotlightonsome
lugubriousindividualwhohasbeen
postmarkedashavingacertain
degreeofUNLVmutualostentatious
eminence.

CELINEDION
Um.Idon'tthinkIknowwhatyou
aresaying.Maybeit's,youknow,
thedifferencesbetweenAmerican
EnglishandCanadianEnglish.

NICOLASCAGE
OrmaybeI'mjustinsane!

CELINEDION
Yes.Thatisalsoapossibility.

NICOLASCAGE
SolikeIwassaying.You'rea
celebrity.

CELINEDION
Yes.

NICOLASCAGE
Isee.Howuninteresting.So,what
kindofcelebrityareyou?Areyou
anactress?

CELINEDION
Uh.Iamasinger.

NICOLASCAGE
Doyousingintheshower?

CELINEDION
Sometimes.
 23.

NICOLASCAGE
Whileyou'renaked?

CELINEDION
Yes.

NICOLASCAGE
Great.Letmeseeyourtitties.

Sheslapshim.

NICOLASCAGE(CONT'D)
Andwhatkindofmusicdoyou
sing?

CELINEDION
It'sdifficultto,um,definemy
music.Youknow.Idon'tbelieve
ingenres.

NICOLASCAGE
Well.What'syourmostfamous
song,woman?

CELINEDION
"MyHeartWillGoOn."

NICOLASCAGE
Thatdoesn'tsoundfamiliar.

CELINEDION
I'msureyou'veheardit.It'sthe
themesongtoTitanic.

NICOLASCAGE
Well.Colormepurple,Celine.
That'smyleastfavoritesongof
alltime.

CELINEDION
Well.Maybeyouhaveterrible
tasteinmusic.What'syour
favoritesong?

NICOLASCAGE
"TheWheelsontheBusGoRound
andRoundandRoundandRoundand
RoundandRoundandRound!And
Round!AndAlso....Round."
(tocamera)
OK.That'llitfortonight'sshow.
I'mgonnagocollectmydaily
salary--whichtoday,isasixpack
ofTecate.Goodnight,everybody.
 24.

Theoutromusicandcreditsstartplaying.

NicolasCagedrinksasixpackofTecateinthebackground.
HeoffersacantoCeline,whoslapsthecanoutofhis
hand.