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Published:February2006

Love
Scientistssaythatthebrainchemistryofinfatuationisakintomentalillnesswhichgivesnewmeaningtomadlyinlove

ByLaurenSlater

MyhusbandandIgotmarriedateightinthemorning.Itwaswinter,freezing,thetreesencasediniceandafewloneblackbirdsbalancingontelephone
wires.Wewereinourearly30s,consideredourselveshipandcynical,thetypeswhodecriedtheinstitutionofmarriageevenaswesoughtitsstatus.During
ourweddingbrunchweputoutabigsuggestionboxandaskedpeopletoslipusadviceonhowtoavoiddivorcewethoughtitwasafunny,cleareyed,
groundedsortofthingtodo,althoughthesuggestionsweremostlyfoolish:Screwthetoothpastecapontight.Aftertheguestsleft,thehousegotquiet.
Therewereflowerseverywhere:puckeredredrosesandfragileferns.Whatcanwedothatsreallyromantic?Iaskedmynewlywedone.Benjamin
suggestedwetakeabath.Ididntwantabath.Hesuggestedalunchofchilledwhitewineandsalmon.Iwassickofsalmon.

Whatcanwedothatsreallyromantic?Theweddingwasover,thesilenceseemedsuffocating,andIfeltthefamiliardisappointmentafteralongedfor
eventhascomeandgone.Weweremarried.Hip,hip,hooray.Idecidedtotakeawalk.Iwentintothecenteroftown,pressedmynoseagainstabakery
window,watchedthemanwithflouronhishands,thedoughassoftasskin,pushedandpulledandshapedatlastintostars.Imilledaboutinanantique
store.AtlastIcametoourtownstattooparlor.NowIamnotatattootypeperson,butforsomereason,onthatcoldsilentSunday,Idecidedtowalkin.
CanIhelpyou?awomanasked.

IsthereakindoftattooIcangetthatwontbepermanent?Iasked.

Hennatattoos,shesaid.

Sheexplainedthattheylastedforsixweeks,wereusedatIndianweddings,werestarkandbeautifulandallbrown.SheshowedmepicturesofIndianwomen
withjewelsintheirnoses,theirarmsscrolledandlacedwiththehennamarkings.Indeedtheywerebeautiful,sharingnoneofthegaudycomicstripquality
ofthetattoosweseeintheUnitedStates.Thesehennatattoosspokeofintricacy,ofthewebworkbetweentwopeople,oftiesthatbindandhowdifficultitis
tofindtheirbeginningsandtheirends.AndbecauseIhadjustgottenmarried,andbecauseIwasfeelingapostweddingletdown,andbecauseIwanted
somethingreallyromantictosailmethroughthenight,Idecidedtogetone.

Where?sheasked.

Here,Isaid.Ilaidmyhandsovermybreastsandbelly.

Sheraisedhereyebrows.Sure,shesaid.

Iamamodestperson.ButItookoffmyshirt,layonthetable,heardherinthebackroommixingpowdersandpaints.Shecametomecarryingasmallblack
belliedpotinsideofwhichwasarichredmush,slightlyglittering.Sheadornedme.Shegavemevinesandflowers.Sheturnedmybodyintoastake
supportingwholenewgardensofgrowth,andthen,lowaroundmyhips,shepaintedadelicatechainlinkedchastitybelt.Anhourlater,thepaintdry,Iput
myclothesbackon,wenthometofindmynewlywedone.This,Iknew,wasmygifttohim,thekindofpresentyouofferonlyonceinyourlifetime.Ilethim
undressme.

Wow,hesaid,standingback.

Iblushed,andwebegan.

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Wearenolongerbeginning,myhusbandandI.Thisdoesnotsurpriseme.Evenbackthen,wearingthedecorofdesire,theserpentiningtattoos,Iknewthey
wouldfade,theirredclaycolorbleachingoutuntiltheyweregone.OnmyweddingdayIdidntcare.

Idonow.Eightyearslater,paleasapillowcase,hereIsit,withalltheextrapoundsandbaggagetimebrings.Andthequestionshaveonlygrownmore
insistent.Doespassionnecessarilydiminishovertime?Howreliableisromanticlove,really,asameansofchoosingonesmate?Canamarriagebegood
whenErosisreplacedwithfriendship,oreveneconomicpartnership,twopeopleboundbybankaccounts?

Letmebeclear:Istilllovemyhusband.ThereisnomanIdesiremore.Butitshardtosustainromanceinthecrumbfilledquotidianthathasbecomeour
lives.Thetiesthatbindhavebeenfrayedbymoneyandmortgagesandchildren,thoselittleimpswhosomehowmanagetotightentheknotwhileweakening
itsactualfibers.BenjaminandIhavenotimeforchilledwhitewineandsalmon.ThebathsinourhousealwaysincludeBigBird.

Ifthisallsoundsmiserable,itisnt.Mymarriageislikeapieceofcomfortableclothingeventheargumentshaveafeeloffuzzinesstothem,somethingso
familiaritcanonlybecalledhome.Andyet...

IntheWesternworldwehaveforcenturiesconcoctedpoemsandstoriesandplaysaboutthecyclesoflove,thewayitmorphsandchangesovertime,the
waypassiongrabsusbyourflungbackthroatsandthenleavesusforsomethingsaner.IfDraculathefrailwoman,thesensualityofsubmissionreflects
howweunderstandthepassionofearlyromance,theFlintstonesreflectsourexperiencesoflongtermlove:Allisgravelandsomewhatsilly,thesongso
familiaryoucantstopsingingit,andwhenyoudo,theemptinessisalmostunbearable.

Wehavereliedonstoriestoexplainthecomplexitiesoflove,talesofjealousgodsandarrows.Now,however,thesestoriessomuchapartofevery
civilizationmaybechangingassciencestepsintoexplainwhatwehavealwaysfelttobemyth,tobemagic.Forthefirsttime,newresearchhasbegunto
illuminatewhereloveliesinthebrain,theparticularsofitschemicalcomponents.

AnthropologistHelenFishermaybetheclosestweveevercometohavingadoyenneofdesire.At60sheexudesasexyconfidence,withcorncoloredhair,
softasfloss,andawillowybuild.AprofessoratRutgersUniversity,shelivesinNewYorkCity,herbooklinedapartmentnearCentralPark,withitsgreen
treesfluffedoutinthesummerseason,itspathscrowdedwithcouplesholdinghands.

Fisherhasdevotedmuchofhercareertostudyingthebiochemicalpathwaysofloveinallitsmanifestations:lust,romance,attachment,thewaytheywax
andwane.Onelegcasuallycrossedovertheother,iceclinkinginherglass,shespeakswithappealingfrankness,discussingtheupsanddownsoflovetheway
mostpeopletalkaboutrealestate.Awomanunconsciouslyusesorgasmsasawayofdecidingwhetherornotamanisgoodforher.Ifhesimpatientand
rough,andshedoesnthavetheorgasm,shemayinstinctivelyfeelheslesslikelytobeagoodhusbandandfather.Scientiststhinktheficklefemaleorgasm
mayhaveevolvedtohelpwomendistinguishMr.RightfromMr.Wrong.

OneofFisherscentralpursuitsinthepastdecadehasbeenlookingatlove,quiteliterally,withtheaidofanMRImachine.FisherandhercolleaguesArthur
AronandLucyBrownrecruitedsubjectswhohadbeenmadlyinloveforanaverageofsevenmonths.OnceinsidetheMRImachine,subjectswereshown
twophotographs,oneneutral,theotheroftheirlovedone.

WhatFishersawfascinatedher.Wheneachsubjectlookedathisorherlovedone,thepartsofthebrainlinkedtorewardandpleasuretheventral
tegmentalareaandthecaudatenucleuslitup.WhatexcitedFishermostwasnotsomuchfindingalocation,anaddress,forloveastracingitsspecific
chemicalpathways.Lovelightsupthecaudatenucleusbecauseitishometoadensespreadofreceptorsforaneurotransmittercalleddopamine,which
Fishercametothinkofaspartofourownendogenouslovepotion.Intherightproportions,dopaminecreatesintenseenergy,exhilaration,focused
attention,andmotivationtowinrewards.Itiswhy,whenyouarenewlyinlove,youcanstayupallnight,watchthesunrise,runarace,skifastdownaslope
ordinarilytoosteepforyourskill.Lovemakesyoubold,makesyoubright,makesyourunrealrisks,whichyousometimessurvive,andsometimesyoudont.

IfirstfellinlovewhenIwasonly12,withateacher.HisnamewasMr.McArthur,andheworeopentoedsandalsandsportedabeard.Ihadneverhadamale
teacherbefore,andIthoughtitterriblyexotic.Mr.McArthurdidthingsnootherteacherdaredtodo.Heexplainedtousthephysicsoffarting.He
demonstratedhowtomakeaneggexplode.Hesmokedcigarettesatrecess,leaninglanguidlyagainstthesideoftheschoolbuilding,theashgrowinglonger
andlongeruntilhecasuallytappeditoffwithhisfinger.

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Whatuniqueconstellationofneedsledmetoloveamanwhomadeaneggexplodeisinteresting,perhaps,butnotasinteresting,forme,asmymemoryof
lovessheerphysicalfacts.Ihadneverfeltanythinglikeitbefore.IcouldnotgetMr.McArthuroutofmymind.IwasanxiousIgnawedattheliningofmy
cheekuntilItastedthetangofblood.Schoolbecameatonceterrifyingandexhilarating.WouldIseehiminthehallway?Inthecafeteria?Ihoped.Butwhen
mywishesweregranted,andIgotaglimpseofmyman,itsatisfiednothingitonlyinflamedmeallthemore.Hadhelookedatme?Whyhadhenotlookedat
me?WhenwouldIseehimagain?AthomeIlookedhimupinthephonebookIranghim,thisinatimebeforecallerID.Heanswered.

Hello?Paininmyheart,rippeddownthemiddle.Hangup.
Callback.Hello?Ineversaidathing.

OnceIcalledhimatnight,late,andfromthewayheansweredthephoneitwasclear,eventoaprepubescentlikeme,thathewaswithawoman.Hisvoice
fuzzy,thetinkleofherlaughterinthebackground.Ididntgetoutofbedforawholeday.

Soundfamiliar?Maybeyouwere30whenithappenedtoyou,or8or80or25.MaybeyoulivedinKathmanduorKentuckyageandgeographyare
irrelevant.DonatellaMarazzitiisaprofessorofpsychiatryattheUniversityofPisainItalywhohasstudiedthebiochemistryoflovesickness.Havingbeenin
lovetwiceherselfandfeltitsawfulpower,Marazzitibecameinterestedinexploringthesimilaritiesbetweenloveandobsessivecompulsivedisorder.

Sheandhercolleaguesmeasuredserotoninlevelsinthebloodof24subjectswhohadfalleninlovewithinthepastsixmonthsandobsessedaboutthislove
objectforatleastfourhourseveryday.Serotoninis,perhaps,ourstarneurotransmitter,alteredbyourstarpsychiatricmedications:ProzacandZoloftand
Paxil,amongothers.Researchershavelonghypothesizedthatpeoplewithobsessivecompulsivedisorder(OCD)haveaserotoninimbalance.Drugslike
ProzacseemtoalleviateOCDbyincreasingtheamountofthisneurotransmitteravailableatthejuncturebetweenneurons.

MarazziticomparedtheloversserotoninlevelswiththoseofagroupofpeoplesufferingfromOCDandanothergroupwhowerefreefrombothpassionand
mentalillness.Levelsofserotonininboththeobsessivesbloodandtheloversbloodwere40percentlowerthanthoseinhernormalsubjects.Translation:
Loveandobsessivecompulsivedisordercouldhaveasimilarchemicalprofile.Translation:Loveandmentalillnessmaybedifficulttotellapart.
Translation:Dontbeafool.Stayaway.

Ofcoursethatsamandatenoneofuscanfollow.Wedofallinlove,sometimesoverandoveragain,subjectingourselves,eachtime,toaverysickstateof
mind.Thereishope,however,forthosecaughtinthegripofrunawaypassionProzac.Theresnothinglikethatbicoloredbulletfordampingdownthesex
driveandmakingyoufeelblahaboutthebuffet.HelenFisherbelievesthattheingestionofdrugslikeProzacjeopardizesonesabilitytofallinloveand
stayinlove.Bydullingthekeenedgeofloveanditsassociatedlibido,relationshipsgostale.SaysFisher,Iknowofonecoupleontheedgeofdivorce.The
wifewasonanantidepressant.Thenshewentoffit,startedhavingorgasmsoncemore,felttherenewalofsexualattractionforherhusband,andtheyre
nowinlovealloveragain.

Psychoanalystshaveconcoctedcountlesstheoriesaboutwhywefallinlovewithwhomwedo.Freudwouldhavesaidyourchoiceisinfluencedbythe
unrequitedwishtobedyourmother,ifyoureaboy,oryourfather,ifyoureagirl.Jungbelievedthatpassionisdrivenbysomekindofcollective
unconscious.TodaypsychiatristssuchasThomasLewisfromtheUniversityofCaliforniaatSanFranciscosSchoolofMedicinehypothesizethatromantic
loveisrootedinourearliestinfantileexperienceswithintimacy,howwefeltatthebreast,ourmothersface,thesethingsofpureunconflictedcomfortthat
getengravedinourbrainandthatweceaselesslytrytorecaptureasadults.Accordingtothistheorywelovewhomwelovenotsomuchbecauseofthefuture
wehopetobuildbutbecauseofthepastwehopetoreclaim.Loveisreactive,notproactive,itarchesusbackward,whichmaybewhyacertainpersonjust
feelsright.Orfeelsfamiliar.Heorsheisfamiliar.Heorshehasacertainlookorsmellorsoundortouchthatactivatesburiedmemories.

WhenIfirstmetmyhusband,Ibelievedthispsychologicaltheorywasmoreorlesscorrect.Myhusbandhasredhairandasoftvoice.Achemist,heis
whimsicalandodd.Onedaybeforewemarriedhedunkedaroseinliquidnitrogensoitfroze,whereuponheflungitagainstthewall,spectacularly
shatteringit.ThatswhenIfellinlovewithhim.Myfather,too,hasredhair,asoftvoice,andmanyeccentricities.Hewaspronetoburstingintosong,
promptedbysomethingweneversaw.

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However,itturnsoutmytheoriesaboutwhyIcametolovemyhusbandmaybejustsomuchhogwash.Evolutionarypsychologyhassaidgoodriddanceto
FreudandtheOedipalcomplexandallthatothertranscendentstuffandhellotosimplesurvivalskills.Ithypothesizesthatwetendtoseeasattractive,and
therebychooseasmates,peoplewholookhealthy.Andhealth,saytheseevolutionarypsychologists,ismanifestedinawomanwitha70percentwaisttohip
ratioandmenwithruggedfeaturesthatsuggestastrongsupplyoftestosteroneintheirblood.Waisttohipratioisimportantforthesuccessfulbirthofa
baby,andstudieshaveshownthispreciseratiosignifieshigherfertility.Asfortheruggedlook,well,amanwithagooddoseoftestosteroneprobablyalso
hasastrongimmunesystemandsoismorelikelytogivehispartnerhealthychildren.

Perhapsourchoiceofmatesisasimplematteroffollowingournoses.ClausWedekindoftheUniversityofLausanneinSwitzerlanddidaninteresting
experimentwithsweatyTshirts.Heasked49womentosmellTshirtspreviouslywornbyunidentifiedmenwithavarietyofthegenotypesthatinfluence
bothbodyodorandimmunesystems.HethenaskedthewomentoratewhichTshirtssmelledthebest,whichtheworst.WhatWedekindfoundwasthat
womenpreferredthescentofaTshirtwornbyamanwhosegenotypewasmostdifferentfromhers,agenotypethat,perhaps,islinkedtoanimmune
systemthatpossessessomethinghersdoesnot.Inthiswaysheincreasesthechancethatheroffspringwillberobust.

Itallseemstoogoodtobetrue,thatwearesohardwiredandyetunconsciousofthewiring.Becausenoonetomyknowledgehaseversaid,Imarriedhim
becauseofhisB.O.No.Wesay,Imarriedhim(orher)becausehesintelligent,shesbeautiful,heswitty,shescompassionate.Butwemayjustbeas
deludedaboutloveaswearewhenwereinlove.Ifitallcomesdowntoasnifftest,thendogsdefinitelyhavetheedgewhenitcomestochoosingmates.

Whydoesntpassionatelovelast?HowisitpossibletoseeapersonasbeautifulonMonday,and364dayslater,onanotherMonday,toseethatbeautyas
bland?Surelytheobjectofyouraffectioncouldnothavechangedthatmuch.Shestillhasthesameshapedeyes.Hervoicehasalwayshadthathuskysound,
butnowitgratesonyoushesoundslikesheneedsanantibiotic.Ormaybeyouretheonewhoneedsanantibiotic,becausethepartneryouoncelovedand
cherishedandsawasthoughsaturatedwithstarlightnowfeelsmorelikealowlevelinfection,tiringyou,sappingallyourstrength.

Studiesaroundtheworldconfirmthat,indeed,passionusuallyends.Itsconclusionisascommonasitsinitialflare.Nowondersomeculturesthinkselecting
alifelongmatebasedonsomethingsofleetingisfolly.HelenFisherhassuggestedthatrelationshipsfrequentlybreakupafterfouryearsbecausethats
abouthowlongittakestoraiseachildthroughinfancy.Passion,thatwild,prismaticinsanefeeling,turnsouttobepracticalafterall.Wenotonlyneedto
copulatewealsoneedenoughpassiontostartbreeding,andthenfeelingsofattachmenttakeoverasthepartnersbondtoraiseahelplesshumaninfant.
Onceababyisnolongernursing,thechildcanbeleftwithsister,aunts,friends.Eachparentisnowfreetomeetanothermateandhavemorechildren.

Biologicallyspeaking,thereasonsromanticlovefadesmaybefoundinthewayourbrainsrespondtothesurgeandpulseofdopaminethataccompanies
passionandmakesusfly.Cocaineusersdescribethephenomenonoftolerance:Thebrainadaptstotheexcessiveinputofthedrug.Perhapstheneurons
becomedesensitizedandneedmoreandmoretoproducethehightoputoutpixiedust,metaphoricallyspeaking.

Maybeitsagoodthingthatromancefizzles.Wouldwehaverailroads,bridges,planes,faxes,vaccines,andtelevisionifwewereallalwaysbesotted?Inplace
oftheeverevolvingtechnologythathasmarkedhumanculturefromitsearliesttooluse,wewouldhaveinsteadonlybonbons,bouquets,andbirthcontrol.
Moreseriously,ifthechemicallyalteredstateinducedbyromanticloveisakintoamentalillnessoradruginducedeuphoria,exposingyourselffortoolong
couldresultinpsychologicaldamage.AgoodsexlifecanbeasstrongasGorillaGlue,butwhowantsthatstuffonyourskin?

Onceuponatime,inIndia,aboyandagirlfellinlovewithouttheirparentspermission.Theywerefromdifferentcastes,theirrelationshipradicaland
unsanctioned.Pictureit:thesparklingsari,theboyinwhitelinen,theclandestinemeetingsontiledterraceswithafat,whitemoonfloatingoverhead.Who
coulddenytheseloverstheirpleasure,orcondemntheforceoftheirattraction?

Theirparentscould.Inonerecentincidentaboyandgirlfromdifferentcasteswerehangedatthehandsoftheirparentsashundredsofvillagerswatched.A
couplewhoelopedwerestrippedandbeaten.Yetanothercouplecommittedsuicideaftertheirparentsforbadethemtomarry.

AnthropologistsusedtothinkthatromancewasaWesternconstruct,abourgeoisbyproductoftheMiddleAges.Romancewasforthesophisticated,took
placeincafs,withcoffeesandCabernets,oronsilksheets,orinroomswithaflickeringfire.ItwasassumedthatnonWesterners,withtheirbroadfamilial
andsocialobligations,werespreadtoothinforparticularpassions.Howcouldacollectivistculturecelebrateorinanywaysanctiontheobsessionwithone
individualthatdefinesnewlove?Couldaliceriddenpeasantreallyfeelpassion?

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Easily,asitturnsout.Scientistsnowbelievethatromanceispanhuman,embeddedinourbrainssincePleistocenetimes.Inastudyof166cultures,
anthropologistsWilliamJankowiakandEdwardFischerobservedevidenceofpassionatelovein147ofthem.Inanotherstudymenandwomenfrom
Europe,Japan,andthePhilippineswereaskedtofilloutasurveytomeasuretheirexperiencesofpassionatelove.Allthreegroupsprofessedfeelingpassion
withthesamesearingintensity.

Butthoughromanticlovemaybeuniversal,itsculturalexpressionisnot.TotheFulbetribeofnorthernCameroon,poisemattersmorethanpassion.Men
whospendtoomuchtimewiththeirwivesaretaunted,andthosewhoareweakkneedarethoughttohavefallenunderadangerousspell.Lovemaybe
inevitable,butfortheFulbeitsmanifestationsareshameful,equatedwithsicknessandsocialimpairment.

InIndiaromanticlovehastraditionallybeenseenasdangerous,athreattoawellcraftedcastesysteminwhichmarriagesarearrangedasameansof
preservinglineageandbloodlines.Thusthegruesometales,thewarningsembeddedinfablesaboutwhathappenswhenoneswaywardimpulsestakeover.

TodaylovemarriagesappeartobeontheriseinIndia,oftenindefianceofparentswishes.ThetriumphofromanticloveiscelebratedinBollywoodfilms.
YetmostIndiansstillbelievearrangedmarriagesaremorelikelytosucceedthanlovemarriages.InonesurveyofIndiancollegestudents,76percentsaid
theydmarrysomeonewithalltherightqualitieseveniftheywerentinlovewiththeperson(comparedwithonly14percentofAmericans).Marriageis
consideredtooimportantasteptoleavetochance.

RenuDinakaranisastriking45yearoldwomanwholivesinBangalore,India.WhenImeether,sheisdressedinWesternstyleclothesblackleggingsand
aTshirt.Renulivesinawellappointedapartmentinthisthrongingcity,wherecowssleeponthehighwaysastinycarswhizaroundthem,plumesofblack
smokerisingfromtheirsootypipes.

RenuwasbornintoatraditionalIndianfamilywhereanarrangedmarriagewasexpected.Shewasnotanarrangedkindofperson,though,emergingfrom
herearliestdaysasafiercetennisplayer,toosweatyforsaris,andsmarterthanmanyofthemenaroundher.Neverthelessattheageof17shewasmarried
offtoafirstcousin,amanshebarelyknew,amanshewantedtolearntolove,butcouldnt.Renuconsidersmanyarrangedmarriagestobeactsofstate
sanctionedrape.

Renuhopedtofallinlovewithherhusband,butthemoreyearsthatpassed,thelessloveshefelt,until,attheend,shewasshrunken,bitter,hidingbehind
thecurtainsofherinlawsbungalow,lookingwithlongingatthecoupleonthebalconyacrossfromtheirs.Itwassoobvioustomethatcouplehadmarried
forlove,andIenviedthem.Ireallydid.Ithurtmesomuchtoseehowtheystoodtogether,howtheywentshoppingforbreadandeggs.

Exhaustedfrombeingforcedintoconfinement,frombeingswaddledinsaristhatmadeitdifficulttomove,fromresistingthepressuretoeatoffher
husbandsplate,RenudidwhattraditionalIndiancultureforbidsonetodo.Sheleft.Bythistimeshehadhadtwochildren.Shetookthemwithher.Inher
mindwasanoldmovieshedseenonTV,amoviesostrangeandenticingtoher,soutterlyconfoundingandcomfortingatthesametime,thatshecouldnt
getitoutofherhead.Itwas1986.ThemoviewasLoveStory.

BeforeIsawmovieslikeLoveStory,Ididntrealizethepowerthatlovecanhave,shesays.

Renuwasluckyintheend.InMumbaishemetamannamedAnil,anditwasthen,forthefirsttime,thatshefeltpassion.WhenIfirstmetAnil,itwaslike
nothingIdeverexperienced.HewasthefirstmanIeverhadanorgasmwith.Iwashigh,justhigh,allthetime.AndIknewitwouldntlast,couldntlast,and
sothatinfuseditwithasweetsenseoflonging,almostasthoughwewerewatchingtheendapproachwhilewewerealsodiscoveringeachother.

WhenRenuspeaksoftheend,shedoesnot,tobesure,meantheendofherrelationshipwithAnilshemeanstheendofacertainstage.Thetwoarestill
happilymarried,companionable,lovingifnotinlove,withaplayfulblackdachshundtheyboughttogether.Theirrelationship,oncesofulloffire,now
seemstosimmeralongataneventemperature,enoughtokeepthemwellfedandwarm.Theyaregrateful.

WouldIwantallthatpassionback?Renuasks.Sometimes,yes.Buttotellyouthetruth,itwasexhausting.

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Fromaphysiologicalpointofview,thiscouplehasmovedfromthedopaminedrenchedstateofromanticlovetotherelativequietofanoxytocininduced
attachment.Oxytocinisahormonethatpromotesafeelingofconnection,bonding.Itisreleasedwhenwehugourlongtermspouses,orourchildren.Itis
releasedwhenamothernursesherinfant.Prairievoles,animalswithhighlevelsofoxytocin,mateforlife.Whenscientistsblockoxytocinreceptorsinthese
rodents,theanimalsdontformmonogamousbondsandtendtoroam.Someresearchersspeculatethatautism,adisordermarkedbyaprofoundinability
toforgeandmaintainsocialconnections,islinkedtoanoxytocindeficiency.Scientistshavebeenexperimentingbytreatingautisticpeoplewithoxytocin,
whichinsomecaseshashelpedalleviatetheirsymptoms.

InlongtermrelationshipsthatworklikeRenuandAnilsoxytocinisbelievedtobeabundantinbothpartners.Inlongtermrelationshipsthatneverget
offtheground,likeRenuandherfirsthusbands,orthatcrumbleoncethehighisgone,chancesarethecouplehasnotfoundawaytostimulateorsustain
oxytocinproduction.

Buttherearethingsyoucandotohelpitalong,saysHelenFisher.Massage.Makelove.Thesethingstriggeroxytocinandthusmakeyoufeelmuchcloser
toyourpartner.

Well,Isupposethatsgoodadvice,butitsbasedontheassumptionthatyoustillwanttohavesexwiththatboringwindbagofahusband.Shouldyoufakeit
tillyoumakeit?

Yes,saysFisher.Assumingafairlyhealthyrelationship,ifyouhaveenoughorgasmswithyourpartner,youmaybecomeattachedtohimorher.Youwill
stimulateoxytocin.

Thismaybetrue.Butitsoundsunpleasant.Itsexactlywhatyourmotheralwayssaidaboutvegetables:Keepeatingyourpeas.Theyareanacquiredtaste.
Eventually,youwillcometolikethem.

ButIhaveneverbeenapeasperson.

Its90degreesonthedaymyhusbandandIdepart,fromBostonforNewYorkCity,toattendakissingschool.Withtwokids,twocats,twodogs,alopsided
house,andaquestionableschoolsystem,wemayknowhowtokiss,butintheroughandtumbleofourharriedliveswehaveindeedforgottenhowtokiss.

Theskyispavedwithclouds,theairasstickyasjaminourhandsandonournecks.TheKissingSchool,runbyCherieByrd,atherapistfromSeattle,isbeing
heldonthe12thfloorofarundownbuildinginManhattan.Inside,theroomiswhitewashedatiledtableholdsbottlesofbananaandapricotnectar,apot
ofgreentea,breathmints,andChapstick.TheotherKissingSchoolstudentssometimestheycomefromasfarawayasVietnamandNigeriaaresprawled
happilyonthebarefloor,pillowsandblanketsbeneaththem.Theclasswillbesevenhourslong.

Byrdstartsusoffwithfootrubs.Inordertobeagoodkisser,shesays,youneedtolearnhowtodotheforeplaybeforethekissing.Foreplayinvolves
rubbingmyhusbandssmellyfeet,butthatisnotasbadaswhenhehastorubmine.Rightbeforeweleftthehouse,Iaccidentallysteppedonadiaperthe
doghadgotteninto,andalthoughIwashed,Inowwonderhowwell.

Inhale,Byrdsays,andshowsushowtodrawinair.

Exhale,shesays,andthenshejabsmyhusbandintheback.Dontfocusonthetoessomuch,shesays.Moveontothecalf.

Byrdtellsusotherthingsabouttheartofkissing.Shedescribesthemovementofenergythroughvariouschakras,themanifestationofemotioninthelips
shedescribestheimportanceofembracingallyoursenses,howtomakeeyecontactasaprelude,howtowhisperjusttherightway.Manyhoursgoby.My
cellphonerings.Itsourbabysitter.Ouroneyearoldhasahighfever.Wemustcutthelonglessonshort.Werushout.Lateron,athome,Itellmyfriends
whatwelearnedatKissingSchool:Wedonthavetimetokiss.

Aperfectlytypicalmarriage.LoveintheWesternworld.

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LuckilyIvelearnedofotheroptionsforrestartinglove.ArthurAron,apsychologistatStonyBrookUniversityinNewYork,conductedanexperimentthat
illuminatessomeofthemechanismsbywhichpeoplebecomeandstayattracted.Herecruitedagroupofmenandwomenandputoppositesexpairsin
roomstogether,instructingeachpairtoperformaseriesoftasks,whichincludedtellingeachotherpersonaldetailsaboutthemselves.Hethenaskedeach
coupletostareintoeachotherseyesfortwominutes.Afterthisencounter,Aronfoundmostofthecouples,previouslystrangerstoeachother,reported
feelingsofattraction.Infact,onecouplewentontomarry.

Fishersaysthisexerciseworkswondersforsomecouples.AronandFisheralsosuggestdoingnovelthingstogether,becausenoveltytriggersdopaminein
thebrain,whichcanstimulatefeelingsofattraction.Inotherwords,ifyourheartfluttersinhispresence,youmightdecideitsnotbecauseyoureanxious
butbecauseyoulovehim.Carryingthisastepfurther,Aronandothershavefoundthatevenifyoujustjoginplaceandthenmeetsomeone,youremore
likelytothinktheyreattractive.Sofirstdatesthatinvolveanerverackingactivity,likeridingarollercoaster,aremorelikelytoleadtosecondandthird
dates.ThatsastrategyworthyofpostingonMatch.com.Playsomesquash.Andintimesofstressnaturaldisasters,blackouts,predatorsontheprowl
lockuptightandholdyourpartner.

InSomerville,Massachusetts,whereIlivewithmyhusband,ourpredatorsareprimarilymosquitoes.Thatneedntstopusfromtryingtoenterthewindows
ofeachotherssoul.

WhenIproposethistoBenjamin,heraisesaneyebrow.

WhydontwejustgooutforCambodianfood?hesays.

Becausethatsnothowtheexperimenthappened.

Asascientist,myhusbandisalwaysupforanexperiment.Butourlivesaresobusythat,inordertodothis,wehavetomakeaplan.Wewillmeetnext
Wednesdayatlunchtimeandtrytheexperimentinourcar.

OntheTuesdaynightbeforeourrendezvous,IhavetomakeanunplannedtriptoNewYork.Myhusbandismorethanhappytoforgetourdate.I,however,
amnot.Thatnight,frommyhotelroom,Icallhim.

Wecandoitonthephone,Isay.

WhatamIsupposedtostareinto?heasks.Thekeypad?

Theresapictureofmehanginginthehall.Lookatthatfortwominutes.IlllookatapictureIhaveofyouinmywallet.

Comeon,hesays.

Beasport,Isay.Itsbetterthannothing.

Maybenot.Twominutesseemslikealongtimetostareatsomeonespicturewithareceiverpressedtoyourear.Myhusbandsneezes,andItrytoimagine
hispicturesneezingrightalongwithhim,andthismakesmelaugh.

Another15secondspass,slowly,eachsecondstretchedtoitslimitsoIcanalmostheartime,feeltime,itstaffyliketexture,thepopitmakeswhenitsdone.
Poppoppop.Istareandstareatmyhusbandspicture.Itdoesntproduceanysenseofstartlingintimacy,andIfeeldefeated.

Still,Ikeepon.Icanhearhimbreathingontheotherend.Thephotographbeforemewastakenayearorsoago,cuttofitmywallet,hisstrawberryblond
hairpulledbackinaponytail.Ihaveneverreallystudieditbefore.AndIrealizethatinthispicturemyhusbandisnotlookingstraightbackatme,buthis
paleblueeyesarecastsideways,offtotheleft,lookingatsomethingIcantsee.Itouchhiseyes.Ipeerclose,andthenstillcloser,athisavertedface.Isthere
somethingsadinhisexpression,somethingsadinthewayhegazesoff?

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Ilooktowardthesideofthephoto,tofindwhatitisheslookingat,andthenIseeit:atinyturtlecomingtowardhim.NowIrememberhowhecaughtitafter
thecamerasnapped,howhehelditgentlyinhishands,showedittoourkids,strokeditsshell,hisforefingermovingoverthescalydome,howheheldthe
animalouttowardme,aloveoffering.Itookit,andtogetherwesentitbacktothesea.

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