Anna Koudriachova

October 16, 2016

WOMEN THAT STAY
Between 2001 and 2012 6,488 American troops were killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
During the same period of time 11,766 women were murdered by their current or ex male
partners1. What is it that compels women to stay in abusive relationships? There are countless of
reasons that women have confessed to. This paper will explore possible similarities in
personality traits of the women that stay. Personality is an individual characteristic style of
behaving, thinking, and feeling2. Examining prior and anticipated events, evaluating self-esteem,
and exploring the tendency to rationalize can help predict whether a woman will stay with an
abusive partner.
Prior events can shape an individuals personality3. In 1979, University of Minnesota
researchers began a study of twins reared apart. The study proved to be a tool for understanding
the influence of environmental and genetic factors on human characteristics 4. The study showed
that many personality traits such as vulnerability, alienation, sense of well-being and

1 Vagianos, Alanna. "30 Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics That Remind Us It's
An Epidemic." The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com, 23 Oct. 2014. Web. 10
Oct. 2016.
2 Schacter, Daniel L., Daniel Todd. Gilbert, Daniel M. Wegner, and Matthew K. Nock.
Psychology. 3rd ed. New York: Worth, 2014. 472. Print.
3 Schacter, Daniel L., Daniel Todd. Gilbert, Daniel M. Wegner, and Matthew K. Nock.
Psychology. 3rd ed. New York: Worth, 2014. 472. Print.
4 Thomas J. Bouchard, Jr., David T. Lykken, Matthew McGue, Nancy L. Segal, Auke
Tellegen. Sources of Human Psychological Differences: The Minnesota Study of
Twins Reared Apart. Science, New Series, Vol. 250, No. 4978 (Oct. 12, 1990), pp.
223-228.

susceptibility to fear may be hereditary. A daughter may inherit from a parent such traits that
would make her reluctant to leave an abusive relationship.
Learned behavior has a direct connection to events that a person was a party to or
witnessed. The Domestic Abuse Project composed a list of compelling reasons that women
admitted to for staying in abusive relationships. One of the reasons is My father beat my mom
it just goes with being in a relationship.5 This is an example of learned behavior influenced by a
prior event.
Anticipated events might motivate the person to reveal particular personality
characteristics6. A person is more likely to take a risk if he or she anticipates that there is a greater
chance of the outcome being positive rather than negative. An abused woman may be scared to
leave her partner because the partner may have threatened her life, because she does not believe
that she can make it on her own or because she may think that no one will believe that she is
being abused. The outcome may not outweigh the risk of leaving the relationship. Some women
anticipate a change in their partner and believe that if they approach the person differently, maybe
they wont be abused7.
On November 22, 2011 the Family Refugee Center published five major characteristics
of battered women. One of these characteristics is low self-esteem 8. Self-esteem is the extent to
which an individual likes, values, and accepts the self. Some psychologists believe that high self5 Domestic Abuse Project. Compelling Reasons Women Stay. n.d. Web. 12 Oct.
2016.
6 Schacter, Daniel L., Daniel Todd. Gilbert, Daniel M. Wegner, and Matthew K. Nock.
Psychology. 3rd ed. New York: Worth, 2014. 472. Print.
7 Dockterman, E. (2014). Why Women Stay: The Paradox of Abusive Relationships. Time.Com, N.PAG.
8 Family Refuge Center Inc. Characteristics of Battered Women. 22 Nov. 2011. Web.
15 Oct. 2016.

esteem arises primarily from being accepted and valued by significant others 9. The dominant
partner in an abusive relationship will often make the other feel worthless and deserving of
mental and physical abuse. If a woman is told these things on a daily basis, it is possible that she
will come to believe that she is inadequate. If a woman accepts that she is not good enough, the
feeling of helplessness may trap her in the relationship. If the source of high self-esteem is being
valued by ones significant other, the source of low self-esteem can be the lack of respect by the
significant other. If a woman has a healthy self-esteem, it is unlikely that she will stay with a
partner that tries to de-value her.
Battered women often rationalize their partners behavior. Rationalization is a defense
mechanism with which an individual supplies a reasonable sounding explanation for unacceptable
feelings and behavior10. Although the textbook for this course refers to rationalization as a
defense mechanism against ones own feelings and behavior, the concept can be applied to the
feelings or behavior of another person. Rationalization can be closely related to denial. A woman
may think that her partner is a good person and the angry outbursts are caused by something
unrelated to the relationship. It is hard for an outsider to see any positive aspects to an abusive
relationship but an abusive partner will often go back and forth between being considerate and
abusive. A woman with low self-esteem may believe that the abuse is her fault or that there are
more good days than bad. One of the most damaging rationalizations is the belief that the abuse is
normal.

9 Schacter, Daniel L., Daniel Todd. Gilbert, Daniel M. Wegner, and Matthew K. Nock.
Psychology. 3rd ed. New York: Worth, 2014. 498. Print.
10 Schacter, Daniel L., Daniel Todd. Gilbert, Daniel M. Wegner, and Matthew K.
Nock. Psychology. 3rd ed. New York: Worth, 2014. 486. Print.

Application: I had a chance to talk with a personal friend of mine that was in an abusive
relationship for over ten years. I was curious to find out her reasons for staying. I learned that my
friends father was an alcoholic and from a young age she witnessed numerous fights between her
father and mother. Although the father never used violence toward his daughter, he has slapped
the mother more than once. The mother justified her fathers actions because he loved his
daughter and provided for his family. Eventually my friends mother left her father but it was not
until many years later. My friend was a teenager at the time and she believes that her home
environment shaped how she thought relationships worked. As a result, she ended up dating one
dominant bad boy after another until she married one and had two children with him. After the
first child was born, my friend could not pay as much attention to her husband as he was used to
and that is when he became emotionally abusive to her. He would tell her things like you are
good for nothing, you let yourself go after giving birth to the kid and you better do what I say
or Ill throw you out on the street. The husband seemed to love his kids and his outbursts were
directed only toward his wife. My friend stayed for the sake of the children. She believes that a
child should have both parents in his or her life. She also stayed because the marriage vows were
sacred to her.
I know my friend to be a strong, confident woman and so I asked her if she thought that
some of her personality traits made her reluctant to leave her marriage. She said that she was
always prone to fear and it was debilitating at times. She always has a hard time making decisions
because she is scared of making a wrong one and how it would affect the rest of her life. She is
also a very patient person and will take the abuse for a long time before she breaks. The best, and
in some cases the worst, personality trait that my friend exhibits is she always sees the best in
people.

Eventually she left her abusive marriage because she realized that she did not want her
kids to have the same example that she had while growing up. She fought to have sole custody of
the and made sure that her kids got into therapy. Friends and family played a big part in making
that life changing decision. Now her and her kids are happy and healthy.
Conclusion: I struggled with this paper. I wanted to take a subject presented in our
textbook and at the same time explore a topic that I have been curious about for a long time. I
thought that it would be interesting to explore the question of whether battered women have
similarities in personalities. I combined the information in the textbook with my own research but
I feel like I could expand on each personality trait that I talked about. I did not want it to seem
like I was making excuses for the women that choose not to leave abusive relationships. I wanted
to understand what it is that makes some women stay. It is a topic that is emotional for me
because I know more than one woman in a bad relationship and as much as I try to help, some
just fail to see anything wrong with it. First I get sad and try to help and then I get mad and leave
the friendship because I cannot stand by and watch my friend get demeaned. Research helped me
get into the minds of women and helped me understand why they stay. I could help someone in an
abusive relationship by pointing out that no matter how good a reason may seem, there is no
justification for abusive behavior. I would like to talk to more women, read more studies, find
questionnaires filled out by battered women in order to continue educating myself further on this
topic.

REFERENCES
1. Vagianos, Alanna. "30 Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics That Remind Us It's An
Epidemic." The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com.
2. Schacter, Daniel L., Daniel Todd. Gilbert, Daniel M. Wegner, and Matthew K. Nock.
Psychology. 3rd ed. New York: Worth, 2014.
3. Thomas J. Bouchard, Jr., David T. Lykken, Matthew McGue, Nancy L. Segal, Auke
Tellegen. Sources of Human Psychological Differences: The Minnesota Study of
Twins Reared Apart. Science, New Series, Vol. 250, No. 4978 (Oct. 12, 1990).
4. Domestic Abuse Project. Compelling Reasons Women Stay.
5. Dockterman, E. (2014). Why Women Stay: The Paradox of Abusive
Relationships. Time.Com, N.PAG.
6. Family Refuge Center Inc. Characteristics of Battered Women. 22 Nov. 2011.