Spirituality and Psychotherapy

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“I cannot tell a lie.”  I will change the info text to this probably tomorrow. But for right now, let
me just give you my “k” (karapatan) to talk about this:  I have taught two graduate courses in UP
regarding spirituality:   (1) Psych 260 Sexuality and Spirituality   and (2) Psych 261 Spirituality
and Psychotherapy

I remember years ago (1989-1992) when I used to shy away from questions regarding spirituality
in my column, saying, to the relief of many: “This is not my remit. Please ask someone whose
area of expertise is spirituality/religion.”

The reasoning behind such an answer was NOT that I thought spirituality/religion  (s/r)
unimportant, but that I considered it too important for a mere mortal like me to comment on.

Then I saw/read/heard all these jokers, who knew far less than me—or more likely, who
pretended to know more or maybe actually did, but it was head--not heart, mind and soul—
knowledge being presumptuous enough to tell people how to live their lives.

Schizophrenics  (of the Thomas Ssasz vein).  You know, he who first said: “When you talk to
God, that is prayer. But when God talks to you, that’s schizophrenia.”

Thus here are the results of my studies and/or my heartfelt musings on the subject. I don’t claim
to be always correct, but I can assure you that I am never ever schizophrenic (at least, not in the
Ssasz way).
 Consultation
 Masturbating Priests?
 My God, My Conscience and My Abortions

 KARINA: Iba Talaga ang Pinay (Part 1)

 KARINA: Puede Po Ba Yon? (Mistress even Without Sex?) (Part 2)

 KARINA: Why Marry the Cow (When You’re Getting Free Milk?) (Part 3)
 Doubts against Fantasy
 Beyond Bi-, Homo- or even Hetero--sexuality
 Racism & Humor
 Orgasm by Fantasy

 Consultation

hi doc. i am interested in going for consultation. i have been undergoing psychotherapy

for three years now and would like to explore foregoing medications (lexapro). would
you advise that i seek medical advice first before consulting with you? ursula

Dear ursula:

Please forgive me for not answering you more quickly as I ordinarily would have for
such concerns.  I have just come back from a lecture tour abroad.

I would strongly suggest you seek medical advice before stopping lexapro.  Was lexapro
prescribed for you in the first place? How long have you been taking it?  Have you taken
any other antidepressant before?  What side effects do you have from  your medication? 
Notwithstanding possible side effects, has it had the effect you hoped it would? 
 These are not the only issues to be taken into account, but I am sure that your psychiatrist
would appreciate knowing all this before he gives you his opinion/advice re continuing
with the medication or not.  best of luck!!--MG Holmes

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 Masturbating Priests?

Dear dr. Marge,

Ang ganda ng site nyo! at maganda rin ang mga librong sinulat niyo!!! hanep talaga!!!
magtatanong lang po kung nagmamasturbate po bah anng pari? kasi po gusto kong

mag pari at namulat ako sa masturbation noong grade 1.. ask lng po... thnx..…

Joseph

Dearest Joseph:

Maraming salamat sa iyong napakagandang sulat.  Hindi ako ang rector ng iyong
papasukang seminary, kaya hindi ko alam kung, para sa kaniya, masama ng mag
masturbate.

Alam ko na maraming pare ang nagmamasturbate. Alam rin natin na marami ring pareng
ay may pamilya, o nagbababae (o naglalalake). Marami ring pare ang nagnanakaw ng
pera na binigay ng tao para sa simbahan  

Pero, siyempre, kahit na marami ang gumagawa ng isang bagay, hindi ibig sabihin na ok
ito, diba, Joseph? 

Para sa akin, walang masama sa masturbation.  Para rin sa iilang pare (at madre) wala
ring masama sa masturbation.  Lalo na siguro kung ito ay substitute mo sa halip nang
magbabae o manglalake. 

At kahit na sa grade 1, grade 6, kinder o kahit bago ka nag aral ang panahon na unang
namulat ka sa masturbation, ok na ok rin yon.  Ang mahalaga ay wala kang sinasaktan sa
iyong gawain.

Inaasahan ko na nakatuong ako sa iyo, dearest Joseph. Napaka kaunting mga pare raw
ngayon, at mabuti kung isang katulad mo, na honest, hindi tinatago ang (akala mong
baka) masama, at sincere ang magiging pare para sa amin.  God bless you--MGHolmes

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 My God, My Conscience and My Abortions

dear dr holmes:

i have a big fear... nacoconsencya po ako. (and my conscience is bothering me like

crazy). i know its a big sin, i had abortion twice. Last 2003, and 2005. nagsisisi na po
ako. wala na nga po akong gana sa "sex" (I am so repentant and I no longer have any
interest in sex) maybe because of trauma...

i have a fear, if i cud give birth pa po in the future, is it gonna affect my vagina or
something... natatakot po ako, (I am so frightened), pls help me.

nagsisisi na po ako.. i know nasa huli ang pagsisisi… (I am so repentant, though I know
“repentance always comes last” and thus therefore isn’t supposed to mean much…but it
does) I know they’re both angels, dapat di ko dinamay..(I should never have involved
them in my sin). first abortion, i went to an OB.. raspa po..(It was a C and D) out patient..
2nd medicine po.. natatakot me (I am so, so frightened) dr, please help. i know I’m a big
sinner, i hope you could help me...

please…just me

Dearest jm (just me):

Thank you very much for your very poignant and timely letter. Timely because, having
finally been able to catch up with my correspondence, I realize now how many women
have this problem. Also, because of its utmost importance, I am answering this letter in
English and also in Filipino so that you—and so many others who have the same concern
—can be helped.

First of all, please forgive me for not answering you sooner. I get so many letters on the
website, that sometimes it takes a while before I can sift through what needs to be
answered asap and what can wait a while. You are carrying such a heavy burden and I am
so sorry I wasn’t able to respond to you much sooner.

Having said that, I am, I am here now and will do all I can to help you.

Admittedly, all I can do is limited to listening to you, perhaps answering a few of your
questions, give you “permission” to grieve and then move on.

Regarding your fear of not being able to get pregnant in the future, the best way to find
out is to go to a gynecologist you can trust and have yourself checked out. In the
meantime, chances are you can get pregnant and I strongly suggest you use birth control
should you decide to have sex again and are not ready to have a child.
If it is any consolation to you, it sounds like you can get pregnant again. After your first
abortion, you discovered you could get pregnant again because that is exactly what
happened two years later. This was despite having a D and C, which is far more intrusive
than medication. Thus, your chances of being able to get pregnant again after medication
are very high.

Regarding your conscience, is there anyone you can trust in whom you can confide?
Someone who can help you forgive yourself and, perhaps, find a way to ask forgiveness
from your God?

Because if you come to think about it, a lot depends on what your concept of God is?

Is your God a good but quite a hard--almost cruel--God, who will not forgive you until
you are racked with guilt and pain?

I sure hope not, because it is damn difficult to have a relationship with anyone—but
especially your God—who is like this. And ultimately, that is what it’s all about if you
want to sustain a vital, open, trusting and trustworthy relationship with someone, isn’t it,
jm? How can you remain steadfast in your faith if your God isn’t a kind and merciful
God? How can you open up to a God who is cruel and unforgiving?

I know, I know, I talk as if we can choose the God we have.

But that is only because we can, jm. And so can you!

An unforgiving God—or, worse yet, a God who claims to forgive and yet won’t allow
you to move on—is NOT the only option out there.

You can choose to have a relationship with a God who is merciful, forgiving, and
insistent that, while you don’t forget the past, neither are you shackled by it.

And yet, this is not a God who is a pushover. Not in the least.

My God has standards and expects me to live by these standards. He expects me to live
according to these standards and to make choices based on my conscience. But my God
also understands how a person can sometimes (not often, because then it becomes merely
an excuse for bad behavior) veer from the straight and narrow and yet still be a good
person.

This doesn’t mean that those of us who have a forgiving God merely want an easy time in
life. Far from it. People who have a forgiving God have a conscience and do the best they
can to live up to it, but they also understand that they are not perfect and, as such,
occasionally fall. If people have a forgiving God, it is much easier for them to forgive
themselves. It is much easier for them to move on.

And isn’t it moving on and perhaps, helping others move on a much better way to forgive
and be a true believer than merely being stuck in the past, berating oneself for deeds done
many years ago?

People who have a forgiving God can, in turn, forgive themselves and thus fix their lives
much more quickly. Fix their lives so they don’t continue making the same mistake. They
no longer have to go through another abortion because they realize how important they
are (to God, to other people, but most of all, to themselves),

They realize they are far too important to make their lives a crapshoot. If they make love,
they make sure they use contraception. Because they are too important and far too
valuable to leave things to chance. And how, why, do they know that? Because they have
a God that loves them, that’s how. And why,..and isn’t that terrific?

I hope you find a God who understands that what you did—the abortions you had—were
a function of who you were then, but certainly not now; a God who understands that that
was, perhaps, the only way you could’ve behaved then, given the options you were
limited to then. But things are different for you now, and as such, you will behave
differently and make choices that reflect the good, responsible, caring person you are
now able to be.

I hope you write to me again should there be anything more I can do for you. I also hope
that, when you get pregnant again, it is when you are ready for a baby, maybe even (but
not necessarily) with a man whom you know will be a wonderful father to that little
bundle of joy. All my love and more power, jm! MG Holmes

And now, for an answer to the above question, but in Filipino naman;

Unang una po, sana patawarin ninyo ako na ngayon ko lang nakita ang sulat ninyo kaya
ngayon ko lang siya nasagot. Napakabigat ng inyong dinadala at nalulungkot ako na
hindi ko siya nabasa kaagad para, kahit papaano, natulungan kita, kahit na kaunti, sa
iyong dinadala.

Pero sana rin pagpasensiyahan ninyo ako kung ang matutulong ko lang sa iyo ay sa
larangan ng pakikinig at pagsasagot lamang ng iilan sa iyong mga tanong at, marahil,
pagbibigay “permiso” para maglukso (mag-grieve) at, pagkatapos, mag move-on.

Tungkol sa iyong takot na baka hindi ka maaaring mabuntis in the future…hindi ako
nakakasigurado, pero palagay ko naman ay oo, definitely mabubuntis ka in the future.

Una, pagkatapos ng unang abortion mo sa 2003, alam mo for sure na ok kang mabuntis
uli dahil nabuntis ka nanaman. Palagay ko rin na ok kang mabuntis uli pagkatapos ng
abortion mo sa 2005 dahil gamot ang iyong paraan, at less intrusive (malaki ang
probabilidad na makaka-recover ka kaagad) kung sa gamot kaysa sa raspa.

Kung gusto mong malaman for sure, sana pumunta ka sa isang gynecologist na tiwala
mo, para magpa check-up. Pero kahit hindi ka magpa check up, sana i-trato mo ang
iyong sarili na maaaring mabuntis, kaya, kung sakaling magsiping ka muli, huwag mong
kalimutan gumamit ng birth control kung hindi ka pa handang mabuntis uli.

Tungkol naman sa iyong pagcoconsensya, mayroon ka pa bang ibang makakausap para

gumaang ang iyong consensya? Mayroon bang isang taong iyong tiwala na
makakatulong sa iyong makahanap ng paraan para mapatawad mo ang iyong sarili at,
kung iyong kinakailangan rin, maghanap ng paraan para humingi ng tawad sa iyong
Diyos?

Kasi, diba, jm, depende rin yan sa ating konsepto ng iyong Panginoon?

Ang Panginoon mo ba ay isang mabait pero malupit na Diyos na hindi nagpapatawad

hanggang namamalipit ka na sa pagsisisi at pag aawa sa sarili?

Sana hindi, dahil napakahirap magkaroon ng relasyong personal sa isang Diyos na

katulad nito…at diba, jm, ang personal relasyon sa iyong Panginoon ang kinakailangan
kung siya ay hindi lamang magpaparusa sa iyo, pero makakatulong rin sa iyong
manatiling mabait at maka Diyos?

Dahil ang malupit na Diyos ay hindi ang iisang alternatibo sa buhay. Mararami sa atin
—kasali na ako-- ay may Diyos na merciful at mapagpatawad (forgiving). Hindi siya
“maski pops” na Diyos na kahit ano ay ok lang, Mayroon siyang mga standards sa
buhay, at hinihingi rin niya sa atin na tayo ay manatiling mabait at kumilos ayon sa
ating konsensya. Pero ang Diyos ko ay nakakaunawa kung papaano naliligaw ang isang
tao sa mabuti at marangal (straight and narrow, good and holy) kahit siya mismo ay
mabait na tao.

Hindi ito ibig sabihin na ang mga taong may Diyos na mapagpatawad ay mga taong
gusto lamang ng good time. Ang mga taong may Diyos na nakakaunawa sa kanilang
mga ginawa (na minsan ay mali nga) at nakakapatawad sa mga desisyon na pinasiya
nila (na minsan ay maaaring hindi rin 100% tama) ay may mga consensya.
Makokonsensya sila, at laging may balak gumawa ng tama. Pero sapagkat sila/tayo ay
“tao lamang” minsan nahuhulog at nagkakamali.

Kapag ang Diyos ng tao ay mapagpatawad, mas madali para sa taong patawarin ang
kaniyang sarili at mag move on. Marahil ang taong nagka-abortion (isa, dalawa o kahit
mas marami pa diyan) na may Diyos na HINDI malupit at marunong magpatawad ay
mas madaling maka move on at hindi na laging sinisisi ang kaniyang sarili. Hindi ibig
sabihin na ang mga taong ganito ay walang paki. Malaki ang paki nila (they care a lot)
pero hindi sila hanggang doon nalang na walang ibang iniisip kundi ang nangyari na.

Ang mga taong may mapagpatawad na Diyos ay mapapatawad ang sarili at mas mabilis
maaayos ang buhay nila para hindi na nila kailangan rin maulit mag pa-abortion. Hindi
na nila kailangang magpa-abort dahil alam nila na mahalaga sila,. Mahalaga sila sa
diyos nila, sa mga kaibigan at pamilya nila, at lalung-lalo na sa sarili nila. Dahil ditto
ay aalagaan nila ang sarili nila. Kasama na rin diyan ang paggamit ng contraception
 (birth control) kung ayaw pa nilang mabuntis. It’s not too late, jm. Kaya ng taong
magbago ng best friend, asawa, trabaho, atbp. Bakit hindi kaya ng taong magbago ng
kanilang Diyos? Lalo na kung ito ay isang Diyos na mas nakakaunawa sa kanila at mas
makakatulong mapagpabuti sa kanila [helps them remain good, God-loving and God-
fearing—but only in moderate and thus, correct, proportions--people].

Inaasahan ko na mahanap mo Ang diyos na ganito para hindi mo ibabale-wala ang mga
nangyari sa iyo, pero maiintindihan mo na nagawa mo yon noong ikaw ay walang ibang
choices sa buhay. Pero ngayon na naiinitindihan mo na na ikaw ay may options sa
buhay, iba na ang mga magiging desisyon mo.

Sana sulatan mo nanaman ako kung mayroon pa akong maipaglilingkod sa iyo., At sana,
kapag nabuntis ka uli (at halos walang duda ako na mangyayari yan, kapag handa ka
na, kapag nakahanap ka na ng isang lalakeng palagay mo ay magiging mabuting tatay
sa inyong anak) ay magiging masayang masaya ka na nabuntis ka noong handa ka na.
Ingat, my dearest jm—MG Holmes

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 KARINA: Iba Talaga ang Pinay (Part 1)

Dear Dr.Margie,

Hi! Greetings from Dubai, I am a filipina and based here, I worked as a Business
Development Manager in one of the potential General Trading in dubai. This morning I
have seen you in one of the shows in TFC, and I like your approach to the viewers, you
got a lot of charisma and I love your style.

My inquiry is that I got an american suitor, met him in the church in dubai, he is a
catholic too. He works as a captain of commerical cargo ship. I see him every 3 months
for three days only, during that three days, we go to attend mass together, shopping ,
eating together for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and go to movies or roam in the park.

He is separated for 8 years and lives alone, he proposes to me but he cannot marry now,
because he did not file the divorce yet and saying that his situation is a conflict one.

I told him that I have no intention to develop the relationship if he will not marry me or
even without marriage, maybe a full commitment relationship, but he cannot do either.

my problem is that he keeps on sending me emails, calling me wherever he is located in

Middle East and meets me every time he is back in dubai for three days, I am confused,
How can I tell him to stop without hurting much of his feelings? Please guide me.

Waiting for your response on this matter.

 Kind regards,

KARINA

Dear KARINA:
Thank you very much for your letter and for helping me realize, once again, that “Iba
talaga ang Pinay.” (Filipinas are really different.”)
Akalain mo, Katrina, nag iisa ka na sa isang bansang hindi iyo, tapos may nanliligaw
na(tila) napakabait naman, katoliko katulad mo, at devoted sa iyo, pero hindi ka pa rin
bibigay hanggat maaayos ang relasyon ninyo.”

“ Imagine that. Here you are, a stranger in a strange land (and there is none so strange for
us Filipinos, as the Middle East and, perhaps, Japan), and a kind and handsome stranger
reaches out to you, and wants to be more than a friend, yet you resist the temptation and
hold out until he makes a clear break from the past.”

Bravo.

Not everyone could be as brave as you. Nor as decent. Nor as civilized. And I admire you
greatly for your integrity and your ability to get to the heart of the matter. (well, in some
things, but not in all. More of that later). Most of all, I admire you for your smarts (more
on this later too—much later, like day after tomorrow) but for right now, let’s move on to
the heart of the matter.

You asked: “How can I tell him to stop without hurting his feelings?”

You can’t, Karina.

And if fear of hurting him is what’s stopping you from being upfront with him, from
giving him a clear message, then please bite the bullet and tell him straight so there is no
misunderstanding.

It is important not only for him, but also for you, Karina, because he will persist until you
give in. And you mustn’t if it is important to you that he fix his past first before he joins
you at present and, hopefully, for the future.

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 KARINA: Puede Po Ba Yon? (Mistress even Without Sex?) (Part 2)

Dear KARINA:

Forgive me, please, for answering your letter in three parts, but I find it helps...
 We ended part 1 by suggesting you tell him straight that you mean what you say about
not having any relationship with him until he, in effect, starts divorce proceedings with
his wife. There is no other way, Karina. Otherwise, you will continue to be his mistress
the way you are now.

Because even if you haven’t had sex—and don’t intend to till he fixes up his situation—
you would still be his mistress if you continued this relationship now that he has
proposed. This is made clearer by the fact that he has to hide your relationship from his
wife and her lawyers (if she has any). But she may be living in a dream world where she
is unaware that any is necessary. I am sorry to say things in such stark terms, but I think
you need to be jolted from a somewhat dream world…not that I blame you for being in
one.

Malungkot talaga manirahan sa ibang bansa. (It is damn lonely living in another country
—especially one as alien (as different from the Philippines) as the Middle East. To find a
kindred spirit—and a fellow Catholic at that! --in an overwhelmingly Moslem world—is
like a Godsend, an oasis of green in a world of desert browns.

To add to that, he is a kind man, who showers you with attention and doesn’t leave your
side the three days he is there. Imagine! First thing in the morning to last thing at night!
O, Karina, sino ba ang hindi mahuhulugan ang loob?!!? (Who in her right mind wouldn’t
fall in love in a situation like that?!!?)

But traditional psychology insists that you hold fast and stick to your resolve. Otherwise,
there will be no incentive for him to change if you agree to be his woman even before he
divorces his wife. After all, he has been living like this for the last 8 years. Why rock the
boat if you are pliant the 12 days a year he sees you?

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 KARINA: Why Marry the Cow (When You’re Getting Free Milk?) (Part 3)

Dear KARINA:

In Part 2, we said there would be no incentive for him to change his home situation
(divorce his wife and marry you or, at least, have a “dull commitment” relationship with
you).

This is NOT because he is a bad man or makes it a habit of seducing helpless Filipinas in
the Middle East. This is just because this is human nature. Why rock the boat? Why make
things unpleasant (not to mention possibly lose half your worldly assets!) by alerting your
wife that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone else?...especially if this
someone else is a lovely, pliant lady whom you see just three days every three months?
 It makes Dubai seem like a Garden of Eden: He, Adam; You, Eve. Ex wife, the serpent.
And traditional psychology says there is nothing that will push the two of you closer than
a mutual “enemy,” –an ogre you both have to hide from, in a strict Muslim world where
anything but marital sex is not only frowned upon but also punished.

And who says you have to have sex—as in penile-vaginal intercourse--to begin with?!!?

As any good Roman Catholic knows, there is nothing as tantalizing, as downright hot and
heavy sexy, as being with the person you love and yet not consummating it!

In a way, Karina, you can (almost) have it all: romance, sex, chastity, the undying love of
a sea captain who compares you favorably to his wife with whom he was a “conflict
situation.” If a person were normal and “only human” she nothing would stop her from
readily accepting the captain’s proposal (rather, NON proposal—(of marriage) but
certainly his proposition of a relationship “almost” like marriage…nothing except the
knowledge that it isn’t really like marriage and that the decent, the honorable thing to do
is to hold off AND hold fast to your principles. It won’t be easy, but virtue is said to be
its own reward. And hopefully soon enough he will realize you mean what you say and
either stop calling or start coming clean with his wife. Please tell me else what I can do to
help you stick to your vow. All the best—MG Holmes

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 Doubts against Fantasy

Dear Dr Holmes:

I am an OFW and I want to know if it is a sin to fantasize your own wife. I’d rather do
this than go for other female OFWs here at least no act of actual adultery. Please advise

MARIO

Dear Mario:

Agree ako sa iyo diyan, Mario. Talagang mas maiging mag fantasize tungkol sa sariling
asawa kaysa sa (1) mag-fantasize tungkol sa iba; o (2) actually having sex with someone
else.

Pero sikolohista ako at hindi religious “expert” kaya baka mas maigi kayang magtanong
nalang sa isang religious expert at di sa akin?

Naku, Mario, pasensiya ka nalang na kailangang kong ipagpatuloy itosa ingels dahil
masyadogn malapit itong topic sa puso ko. Marami kasing mga taong sobrang nagui-
guilty tungkol rito na parang hindi naman kailangan. At naaawa ako sa needless suffering
na nararanasan nila …at dahil sa ano? Dahil mahal nila ang asawa nila at ayaw nilang
maging taksil sa kaniya. Pero dahil napakakitid ng isip ng mga “religious” experts na
tinatanungan nila, sa halip na masiyahan na kahit na malayo sila sa asawa nila ay tapat pa
sila sa isa’t isa, nananakawan ang tuwa nila (their joy is robbed) dahil sa mga
pinagbabawalan sa kanila ng mga “experts” na walang kamalay malay sa tunay na buhay
(real life).

SO,…kung magtatanong ka sa isang religious “expert” gaya ng tinentatively kong si-

nuggest, sana ang makuha mo ay matalino, maka-tao at di hypocrite (plastic).

At sana may sapat siya ng pagkakumbaba (having sufficient humility) para sa bihin sa
iyo, “Mario, Mario, Mario. Nasisiyahan ako na nagaalala ka sa iniisip ng Diyos, kung ang
isip ba niya ay kasalanan ang masturbation o hindi. Pero, Mario, ok na okay ring HINDi
magtanong sa akin atb kilalanin ang sarilli mong Diyos at isipin ano kaya ang kaniyang
desisyon tungkol rito.

Depende kasi yan sa iyong relasyon sa iyong Diyos.

O, eto na ang Ingles, ok? Sensiya nalang?

According to many psychologists, once you become an adult, it is best to have your own
relationship with God and to figure out, based on your personal relationship with
Him/Her, what the best thing to do is. My God not only says it is okay to masturbate and
fantasize about one’s spouse but thinks it is absolutely fantastic that (1) I am still horny
for my spouse (minsan malaking bagay yon, lalo na kapag matagal na kayong kasal) and
(2) that I found a creative, legal, moral and non fattening way to enjoy myself to the hilt.

Mario, it sounds like your God feels the same. Bravo!! Napakatalino at bait n gating mga
Diyos. Hindi lahat kasi ay kasing swerte natin, na may diyos na nagmamahal sa atin kaya
hindi tayo pinagbabawalan ng m,ga bagay na hindi naman dapat pagbawalan.

If it is any of any consolation to you, hindi lang ako, whom some might (falsely) accuse
of being a renegade (not to mention lapsed) Catholic, who thinks this way. Some priests
and nuns do so too.

Natatandaan pa po ba ninyo si Fr. Robert, yung running priest? Sinabi rin niya na HINDI
magagalit ang Diyos kung ikaw ay mag masturbate. Naku, sa dami dami ng problema sa
mundo, ito kaya ay pinaka importanteng problema ng Diyos?

Hindi naman daw ganyan kababaw ang Diyos. TO BE CONTINUED

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 Beyond Bi-, Homo- or even Hetero--sexuality

Dear Dra. Holmes:

I am a 37 yr old Catholic priest. I really want to be a holy priest. But I struggle everyday
with a particular weakness.

When I was in high school, while watching a movie alone, a guy caressed by genitals.
But when he went to the rest room, I ran out of the theatre, terribly afraid.

I don't know if this teenage experience really lies at the core of my present "cross". I don't
think I am gay because I did have several girlfriends in college and even now I still do
find my self attracted to the opposite sex.

But I also fantasize about males and had several experiences with them. Sometimes I
even search or crave for male partners to release my libido. Many times, I end up
masturbating because I feel so terrible after doing homosexual acts.

I suppose I am bisexual because if priests were allowed to marry I would be more

inclined to have a female partner. In fact, one of the reasons why I eventually end up
having the habit of doing "it" with the same gender is the fear that I might get a woman
impregnated.

Please help me. I carry this "cross" alone. I don't want to go to a brother-priest; I am
embarrassed. I am rather well known.

I really want to kick this habit and grow from this infantile lifestyle. Please help your
priest, for I am your brother, too.

Thank you very much and God bless you.

Augustine

Dear Fr. Augustine:

Thank you very much for your straightforward and poignant letter. I feel very much for
you and thus find it necessary to share a few ‘caveats” to help me remain as therapeutic
as I possibly can.

Helping you here will be limited because this is a website entry and not a therapy
session.. But it will give you a chance to explore alternatives and to look at things from a
different perspective and that will be a good first step in the right direction.

And of course, while the focus of this column is to help you, who have come to me in
pain, sorrow, guilt and in what seems to me, an honest wish to get better, I have
presumed that your partners were all also consenting adults. Please tell me if I presumed
wrong, since that would be yet another issue to contend with.

Not that being involved with another consenting adult releases you from any charge of
“moral turpitude” whatsoever. But it is not my place to judge you when two adults are
involved and I don’t know all the facts. Hells bells, it is not my place to judge you,
period. But if children or adolescents are involved, your problem takes on an entirely
difference dimension.

To make things simple, let me presume only consenting adults are involved, ok? And if I
am wrong, please let me know so we can deal with the issue of priests and children.

Having said all that, let me go back to the past and deal with what happened with you
when you were years younger. Your teenage experience would not have been the reason
for your current sexual orientation (I agree with you that you are probably bisexual) but it
very definitely it could’ve contributed greatly to the way you deal with your sexual needs
at the moment.

A therapist, you see, would help you explore why you were afraid when you ran out of
the movie theatre. Were you afraid he would hurt physically? Or otherwise harm you,
even unwittingly, by say, getting the two of you caught by the usher? Or afraid that it felt
too good and could be the start of something more? Or excited (heart pounding etc.) that
you interpreted as fear but was really a sexual peak you’d never reached before (or
since)?

And it is wanting to go back to that time—when feelings were raw but no responsibility
taken since you were so young and he approached you) that keeps you craving for the
boys/men you do?

These are the sort of questions a therapist would ask (directly or indirectly) of you. It
would be advisable if you wanted to get to the root of your present “cross.” It would also
be necessary if you wanted to deal with all this in a more forthright, effective yet gentle
and spiritually integrated manner.

A therapist would ask hard questions but provide a safe haven for you to face your
demons. Again, the goal would be not merely to help you understand the present, but to
be better able to figure out the most realistic scenarios for the future. Not only in terms of
solutions to problems, but of the best way to serve God but at the same time being true to
yourself.

But right here and right now, I am a columnist, not a therapist, so please forgive me if all
I can be is analytical. I know and know that you know, that we are both comfortable with
the cerebral. Happily, it is a necessary part of healing. But alas, it is not sufficient.

In fact, it is our particular choice of professions(?)/vocations—the religious life for you,

the academic for me—that renders us particularly vulnerable to being ivory-towered
residents, sitting comfortably in our armchairs philosophizing.
Not to worry. We shall go beyond that in our future entries Abangan! (Watch out for it)

Dear Fr. Augustine:

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the current situation as you see it:

You are sexually attracted to both males and females.

But because you are afraid of getting a woman pregnant, you have chosen to have sexual
relations only with fellow males.

After (and/or because) you have sex with them, you feel guilty and masturbate.

At this point, ahem!-a less astute psychologist might jump in and reassure you of the
“rightness” or “wrongness” of masturbation, or give you advice on “controlling your
desires.”

But I think that is jumping the gun.

I need you to examine your life/needs closely and then tell me: it you truly believe, in
your heart of hearts, that you are equally attracted to males and females? Nothing wrong
with that at all, but it is important to know that truth (which may change as you mature
since sexual orientation is not set in stone) because that is the best way you can get better.
Many earnest, sincere and good people convince themselves that they are bisexual when
they are really more drawn to their own sex (homosexual). Again, there is nothing wrong
with being homosexual, but it seems many people feel that bisexuality is more acceptable
(less “sinful” even) than homosexuality.

Speaking of “sin,” please try and get a hold of my latest book, an update, actually, of a
book written 12 years ago called A Different Love: Being Gay in the Philippines. I think
you will find Chapters 5 (Questions about Religion”) and 6, (“Loving the Sinner, Hating
the Sin”--a gay bashing sentiment if I ever heard any) particularly compelling.

A person can get so overwrought wondering whether he is gay or bi that he forgets that
far more important considerations than sexual orientation (which occasionally changes
over the years—but NOT through therapy or religion, etc).

Does he love fairly and honestly? Neither taking advantage nor being taken advantage
of? Neither betraying hiss principles or forcing/seducing/cajoling others to betray theirs?
TO BE CONTINUED Ingat sa lahat (and to you too, FR. Augustine!) and happy
weekend—MG Holmes

Back to Top
 Racism & Humor

Dear Margarita Go Singco,

You will notice in my address to you, I left out the HOLMES part of your name because it
is foreign and not Philippine and of what I gather from your writing you are the same as
us: Prejudiced.

My unsolicited advice to you is stick to sex in your writing and you will make more sense.
Of course there is no denying that most of us foreigners are prejudiced. But it is also a
fact that your countryman’s prejudices well mixed with ignorance are superior to ours.

Your article ‘Don’t meet prejudice head on etc.’ shows very clearly to anyone who knows
something about psychology that you have an inferiority complex.

You try to get even with us foreigners because we don’t take most of you not very serious.
That this is so my dear Ms., is based on experience rather than prejudice.

From time to time most of Philippine newsmedia writers have a bout of this syndrome but
usually it passes with ongoing age and learning.

In your case we have to wait and see. If I had my way I would send you back to school to
learn the psychology of Caucasians mostly of Anglo-Saxon heritage.

We have learned to make jokes about ourselves, our friends,relatives, and strangers. We
listen to jokes of others about our nationality, our habits, our culture and even something
which is impossible here, our religion.

We laugh with others, anyone, about jokes of Irish, Scottish, English, American or
Australian and believe you me most of them are much juicier than the ones we tell about
Philippines. We tell them in the presence of these nationals and they laugh with us
together because a joke is a joke and is never taken seriously by us. You people have still
to learn that.

On our next meeting with your president Aquino we will suggest that you will prepare a
law for legislation so that any foreigner caught making a joke about the Philippinos or
Philippines will be instantly deported or even jailed.

That should teach these damned foreigners a lesson, don’t you think so?

But seriously, I think your country is behind the rest of the world in distinguishing a joke
from serious talk and that is a pity.
Your people behavior pattern is undeniable and the samples you cited are true and if we
would complain, which we gave away a long time ago, we would take them seriously,
which we don’t.

Now if you can still laugh, do so and don’t take yourself too seriously. Now one more
thing, I had to type this letter myself, which is usually I don’t do.

But having to do with a pool of Philippina typists and secretaries, I could not possibly let
them do it. They are probably all as sensitive about their nationality as you are with all
the trappings of inferiority complexes when confronted with foreigners, just the same as
you.

So don’t complain about style or grammar which I hold for unimportant in this case.

Frank Speaker

P.S. Here is one who makes the rounds at present in our gatherings. During the putsh
and bombings of Malacanang Cory’s bibliotec got hit and burned. All her books got
burned, even the ones who hadn’t yet been colored in.

Ha ha ha!!!

Dear Mr. Speaker:

Thank you for your letter which was published in the We the people Section (Manila
Times, Jan. 26, 1990, p.5). Sifting through the histrionics of your letter, I realized that
you had a valid point to make about the apparent lack of humor among some Filipinos.

You are right that there are some of us who are overly sensitive about statements that are
obviously meant to be funny and non-malicious. You are also right when you complain
about those who are overly zealous about trying to deport foreigners whom we Filipinos
feel are not appreciative enough about our country.

However, I do not agree with your analysis that all Filipinos disturbed by racist jokes are
burdened with feelings of inferiority.

Before a joke can be funny, certain conditions have to obtain. Some people know these
things instinctively and they are our born comedians. Others have to be taught. While
admittedly not an exhaustive list, these three conditions must obtain for a joke to be
funny:

The timing must be right. To say “Apart from all that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you find the
play?’ may be funny now; but it certainly wasn’t shortly after President Lincoln’s
assassination.  In similar token, some jokes about the coup will probably need some time
to pass before they are considered funny. This is not to say that all coup jokes are
inappropriate. Frankly, I found the one you include in your P.S. quite amusing.

The sensitivity and intelligence of the joker must be at least average. Some of the funniest
comedians around tell racist jokes. There is Archie Bunker from the series All in the
Family, Monty Python, Billy Crystal, Woody Allen, Martin Short. They can get away
with saying the most outrageous things about Asians (and other nationalities for that
matter) because you know they do not really believe what they are saying. They are
actually poking fun at those who lack the depth and breadth to realize that these things
are not important.

Caricatures are funny as long as one does not take them seriously; as long as one doesn’t
believe that that is all there is to a person.

Blacks are great dancers and have schlongs (penises) a foot long. Whether this is true or
not is immaterial except perhaps to those with a size fetish. Wouldn’t it be sad if that is
all we thought they had going for them as a people? Filipinos sing very well and smile a
lot – a fact I acknowledge – yet I rail against those who lack the perception to realize
there is so much more to us than that.

The jokes must not degrade the human spirit.

What is the difference between a Jew and a meat pie?

Meat pies don’t scream when they’re put in the over.

Would you accuse a Jew of being overly sensitive because he didn’t find this funny? I am
not Jewish (except by predilection) yet I, too, find this supposed joke extremely
offensive.

Humor is a mirror to our psyches; a reflection of our innermost thoughts and fantasies,
hopes, and dreams. What we laugh at reveals our sense of values, sometimes unmasking
prejudices we do not admit even to ourselves. As a weapon, it can deliver the unkindest,
most painful cut of all.

Contrary to your opinion, it is not the person who fails to see humor in a joke that
degrades that has the inferiority complex. It is those who realize a joke is racist and yet
laugh with the rest who are usually the ones who feel inferior. And so I admire Filipinos
who have the guts to “spoil a party” by telling some racist foreigner that “your joke is not
just on.”

As with most of our drivers and maids, English is obviously not your first language.
Would it not upset you if people focused on your understandable lapses in syntax and
grammar rather than on your ideas? Your courage in attempting to communicate in a
language alien to you is commendable.

Like you, our maids and drivers need to realize that pronunciation and precise
 vocabulary, while engaging, is not as important as communicating one’s thought and
feelings. Like you, I wish our drivers and maids could speak English confidently rather
than apologetically.

However, until employers realize that to make fun of their employees’ English and speak
of tem as if they were unhearing, unfeeling objects, incapable of understanding is an utter
disregard of their human dignity. How can employers encourage initiative, self
confidence, and responsibility among their staff when they are unable to respect them as
human beings?

Thank you very much for your letter. I hope you will write me again whenever you
disagree with what I have to say. While diametrically opposite in many ways, we both
say what we think and try to be as honest as possible with ourselves which is the essence
of real communication between people.

Back to Top

 Orgasm by Fantasy

Dear Dra. Holmes:

As a young girl I discovered the pleasure of self gratification through clitoral

stimulation.  Since I’ve had a very rigid Catholic upbringing, I’ve always felt so bad after
doing these things., (in fact, so bad that I’d feel sick for several days. Once, in college, I
told it in confession and I was so sick with fear and embarrassment because the priest was
so probing. I have come to terms that masturbation or self abuse is an impure act which
constitutes a mortal sin. No question about that. (O, but there could be—Dra Holmes)

About two years ago I started to experiment if I could get an orgasm without touching
myself.  I even kept my legs apart. Of course they were so tense…

Surprisingly, I found I could get an orgasm by fantasy alone.  I observed that it helps a lot
if my bladder is full.  I practiced and practiced till I sort of perfected it.  Call it mind over
matter, or whatever, but would you believe, Dra., I sometimes get as many as five
orgasms?!!?

Of course, they take longer-sometimes the whole Sunday afternoon. But it’s well worth
the effort.  Do you know that they’re so good it’s better than making love?

I’ve read from an article that only two percent of women get orgasms  by fantasy alone
and in a way, I do feel; a bit lucky—you know, just in case I happen to marry an impotent
man.
It feels so good, but after a few minutes, the guilt feelings come in. Until now, I still feel
sick (about “masturbating”) and it lasts for days and affects my work and even my sleep.

I don’t really want to do it, but sometimes I feel so bottled up that then only way to let go
is to give myself a good orgasm.

Doctor, my question now is this:  I know masturbation by clitoral stimulation (is bad)—
whether or not you get an orgasm.  But if I get an orgasm through pure fantasy, without
touching any part of my body, does that still count as masturbation?

Also, I am now in my mid twenties and I feel I am really “hot blooded”—sexually

aggressive. I think about making love all the time. What I usually do is to try and keep
busy to forget about this. Is this normal?

PINK PANTHER

Dear PP (PINK PANTHER):

A friend of mine says he can never forget Trevanian’s Shibumi because of that scene
where a man and woman orgasm simply by looking at each other across a room,  without
touching each other.  To achieve this himself, or even to meet someone who could, would
be realizing the greatest sex fantasy of his life.

In your letter you say, and I quote: “ Also, I am now in my mid twenties and I feel I am
really “hot blooded”—sexually aggressive. I think about making love all the time. What I
usually do is to try and keep busy to forget about this. Is this normal?”

Yes on all counts.

It is very normal to be hot blooded in your mid twenties. And in your mid-forties and
sixties, for that matter. It is not only normal, it is nothing to be ashamed of. The important
thing is what you do with all these sexual feelings. You seem like you behave
responsibly, not acting out every sexual fantasy that comes to you, so don’t worry about
it.

It is also normal to try and sublimate these sexual thoughts by thinking of other things
and concentrating on work. Not only is it normal, it is highly commendable.

In fact, the only thing ‘not normal’ about you is your incredible ability to get an orgasm
by fantasy alone. But this ‘abnormality’ is no cause for concern. Indeed, it is cause for
celebration. Not only are you blessed with a rare gift, you are twice blessed. If you could
package this in a bottle, you would be a millionaire. Do you realize how many men and
women wish they could be in your shoes?

I am not referring merely to your ability to get an orgasm without touching yourself, but
more to your creativity and determination to circumvent the moral strictures against
masturbation. This is an entirely different story altogether – whether what you are doing
is a sin or not, that is. Because this is a moral question, I, of course, am not really the
person to ask. You must ask a priest or rabbi, someone who has consciously made it his
area of expertise to answer questions of this kind. To quote Harrison Ford in the movie
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: ‘Anthropology (and, might I add, psychology) is the
study of FACTS. If you want TRUTH, go to professor Tigbee’s class in Philosophy (and,
might I add, Religion) across the hall’.

However, since you did ask me the question and since one cannot really separate one’s
spirituality from one’s psyche, I will tell you what I think and feel.

If one is to be consistent with the Catholic Church’s teachings in the literal sense, then,
yes, without doubt achieving an orgasm through fantasy is masturbation, ergo sinful. The
church teaches that one sins not only in what one does but also in what one thinks. You
recall former President Jimmy Carter’s admission of sin for having lusted in his mind for
another woman?

Masturbation is viewed by the Catholic Church as a wrong use of the sexual organs, or an
imperfect use of sex, and is therefore considered sinful. I however wonder if even the
(conservative) Catholic Church would consider it a mortal sin. As I said earlier, if this
question bothers you tremendously, please seek counsel from a priest. I can only pray you
choose one who follows the spirit as well as the letter of the law.

My own personal opinion (and I would like to stress the word opinion) is that your kind
of masturbation is not a mortal sin. What can be sinful, what can be harmful, about
imagining such delicious delights and having several orgasms after? You are not hurting
anyone before, during, or after your fantasies – how can that be considered a mortal sin?
You are deriving pleasure and, I imagine, some degree of serenity after you do this –
again I cannot understand how anyone could consider that sinful.

What to me is more sinful is adorning your body with fine clothes and jewelry when your
husband is barely eking out a living, spending time at the beauty parlor and dress shops
when your children could be with you at some place more congenial.

In 1980 Jude Dougherty, an American academic, said: ‘If religion is not based on a
rational footing, then anything can be considered religious.’ The latter, obviously, is not a
desirable state of affairs. Reason dictates justifiable cause for banning an activity: Were
masturbation proven to be unhealthy, mentally damaging, a prelude to rape, incest, or
infidelity, a cause for tics, stammers, hairy hands, and pimples, a barrier to loving and
honest communication between spouse, then I would understand restrictions against it.
But masturbation has been studied again and again and to date, it does not cause any
physical, social, medical or psychological harm.

Mordecai Richler, one of my favorite writers, wrote in his 1980 novel Joshua Then and
Now: ‘There are 10 commandments, right? Well, it’s like an exam. You get 8 out of 10,
you’re just about top of the class’.  PP, you sound like a wonderful caring person. If your
only ‘sin’ is this, in my mind, you are top of the class.

However, neither Richler nor I are in a position to tell you where you stand morally. It is
my opinion that no-one - neither priest, rabbi, parent, legal guardian – is.

To quote the British philosopher A.J. Ayer: ‘Morality is very largely founded on
sympathy and affection. For that one does not require religious sanctions.’ In the 28 June
1984 New York Review of Books, the American writer Ian Hacking says: ‘It is so hard to
make important decisions that we have a great urge to reduce then to rules. Every moral
teacher or spiritual adviser gives injunctions about how to live wisely and well. But life is
so complicated and full of uncertainty that rules seldom tell us quite what to do.’

If it will help you to feel better to go to a spiritual adviser, by all means do so. But go to
one who thinks and feels deeply, rather than one who merely mouths precepts handed
down years ago. Go to one who will, while not mincing words, try to respond to your
needs as a person who is trying to live a life of integrity in the world as it is today. Go to
one who will be honest about his injunctions and not try to pass it off as straight from the
horse’s mouth – in this case, God’s. I tend to agree with the psychiatrist Tom Ssasz who
once said: ‘When you talk to God, that is prayer. When God talks to you, that is
schizophrenia.’