DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

A report submitted to

Instructor: Prof. Niharika Vora

Academic Associate: Ms. Sanjana Srivastav

In partial fulfilment of requirements of the course

MCDO

On July 4, 2016
By

D.Vineet Rao (15103)

Section E

INDIAN INSTITUTE OF MANAGEMENT, AHMEDABAD

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As the characters here are students of this institute, I have refrained from using their real names
Context: This is a conversation between me and one of my colleagues in one of the clubs on
campus (I will call her Ms. X). Me and her used to be very good friends during our time as
members of this club in the first year. Ms. X is also very close to Mr. Y, a part of the same club.
However I and Mr. Y do not get along well. Considering the work we had put in during our first
year and the magnitude of work to be done this year, the three of us were given positions in our
second year.
Lately, Ms. X has become very erratic and rigid about most things. Where she does not get her
way, she goes ahead without the consensus of the team. During the last three months we have
had numerous arguments about the way we should function, with these arguments having spilled
over into our personal lives. While I and Ms. X used to have our disagreements earlier as well,
we always managed to resolve them. However, lately I had observed that Ms. X became
increasingly rigid in her stances, and autocratic in her behavior, both towards me and the other
members of the team. This was having a very bad impact on the fabric of our team, as it was
alienating well-meaning, hard-working people many of whom had come to me with their
concerns and complaints.
Mr. Y, while not actively involved in these arguments and interactions, influences Ms. X heavily;
and I knew that Mr. Y was influencing Ms. X about a lot of these matters, his personal dislike for
me spilling into his professional behavior. I was stuck in a situation where there was no open line
of communication between me and Mr. Y (he refuses to discuss matters with me); at the same
time while I could talk to Ms. X, Mr. Y was making it very difficult for me to resolve this
situation by becoming a kind of wall between me and Ms. X. I wanted to resolve this situation as

this situation was making it impossible for me, and the other team members to work
productively.
I decided to have an honest conversation with Ms. X about this. I knew it would be challenging
because Ms. X has developed negative feelings towards me, while Mr. Y continues to be a barrier
to communication between the two of us, making sure that me and Ms. X are unable to resolve
our differences. I had to be careful, as any kind of criticism of Mr. Y would not be taken well by
Ms. X. At the same time, I had to get her on board so that we could start working again, as this
was the only way to go ahead for the club. I had been putting off this conversation for a long
time, as I believed that things would get better with time. However, they have only gotten worse,
with there being no coordination in the team, and our work suffering a lot. It was necessary for
me to have a conversation with Ms. X (as Mr. Y was not approachable, talking to Ms. X was the
only way for me to resolve the situation).
Preparation (Sheet attached): My main objective of having this conversation was to improve
our personal relationship, at least to the degree where we could effectively work together. Her
expectations with this meet, I believe were that I would help her work, rather than challenging
her authority in the team (I get along better with people than her. As a result, I think she felt that
she would lose control in the organization). At the end of the meeting, I wanted her to leave
feeling that I was here to help her, and not challenge her, or her authority. This would help us
move on, and concentrate on our work.
I planned on opening in an informal and friendly way, so as to remove the tension around this
conversation (knowing her likes, dislikes and preferences, I was reasonably sure I would manage
this). I wanted to convey to her that I was here to work with her, and not against her. That that is
exactly what I had done the last one year, both personally and professionally (there were
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numerous instances where I had helped her as a team-member, and also as a friend). I expected
her to display two or three behaviors prominently defending aggressively, talking a lot (she has
a tendency to talk more and listen less, and if I did things wrong, accepting passively whatever I
said without really agreeing to anything). I expected her to be angry, and playing the victim to
incite feelings of pity (previous behaviors in similar situations). My planned response to this was
to not lose my temper at all, to remain attentive to her problems and concerns, as well as being a
little firm where the conversation started getting side-tracked.
Conversation: I met Ms. X after one of her classes, and started off very informally by asking
about how she was doing, how her academics were going, and other small talk, staying very
clear of the organization, or our differences. Considering she viewed me as a threat to her
authority in the organization, I had to first create an informal, easy setting where we could
eventually discuss the important issues. I talked about how I was reading a book she would like,
and how I had recently watched a movie that I knew she liked. We discussed it for a while, and I
saw that she had become more relaxed, as was my intention.
Slowly our conversation came to our professional work, and she started telling about how she
was being portrayed negatively and how there was a lot of misunderstanding between everyone.
I allowed her to talk, listening to her and trying to identify her perceived problems. She talked
for some time, mentioning how she wanted the organization to work in a hierarchical manner, as
compared to the flat structure we were working in currently (I strongly disagreed with this, but
did not interrupt or show any disapproval at this point).
I helped her talk, encouraging her with gentle cues. I knew I would never understand the entire
issue unless I listened to her. More than once she made a very pointed but indirect attack at me,
hinting that I was being unprofessional, and uncooperative. While this made me angry, I chose to
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ignore these issues, as getting into an argument at this stage would completely derail the
conversation and turn into a blame-game, and then it would be impossible to resolve the
differences between us. After she finished talking, I told her that I understood her viewpoint, and
that I agreed to a lot of it. However, I said that there were a few points I disagreed with. And I
explained to her why her point about a strict hierarchy was wrong. I did this by explaining about
how we are all peers in this organization, and how it would be very difficult for her to manage
things that way. I assured her my full support, and agreed to work under her as the coordinator
(more than my post, I wanted to get some real work done. And I knew she would feel much more
secure if she felt that her word would be final. It would soothe some of her insecurities. I knew
that the team would not let her be autocratic). I also reminded her that we as post holders had a
responsibility, and that I was looking forward to doing great work with her and Mr. Y.
I also reminded her about all the great times that we had spent as friends, as I wanted her to be
reminded that I had her best interests at heart. Also, I felt this would result in her listening to my
points better. I assured her that she would face no problems from my side, and that I was ready to
work alongside her; that she could be the final authority if she wanted to be. My intention here
was to forget our differences and not let the cause suffer. I felt I made good progress with her,
and my calm and composure in the face of her complaints (and the sideways allegations of
unprofessionalism) was instrumental in creating an atmosphere where she would be willing to
listen to me.
Towards the end, I asked her if we could have a cup of coffee together. We had a nice
conversation, where we discussed a lot of things. I asked about Mr. Y and how he was doing, and
she talked about her academics, and her life in general. I wanted to end this meet on a friendly
note, and leave the door open for further dialogue between me and her (and possibly with Mr. Y
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too). We agreed to sit down the next day, and work out our differences, and to start working with
each other.

Your Outcomes
Their Outcomes
What do you need to achieve from this What might the other person be expecting
meeting? How would you like the other from the meeting?
person to go away feeling?
Achieve cooperation from the other
That I will be willing to understand
person for working together
their problems without judging
That they are in control, and that I
That they will retain the authority in
dont mean to undermine their
the team
authority
Conversation Plan Way in
How will you open the conversation?
I plan to open the conversation informally, and only after a while move to the real issues, so
that she does not feel threatened. This will also set the tone for a much more open dialogue.
Communicating Effectively
What messages do you need to get across?
What evidences/examples do you have that
will help you get the message across?
That I am willing to work with her
The past year when we have worked
That I will let the past be
with great coordination
That she is not at fault
The numerous times I have helped her
The sense of duty and accountability
out both as a colleague and as a friend
Anticipating Actions and Responses
THEIR REACTIONS What might their YOUR RESPONSES What counterobjectives be? What counter-arguments might arguments do you have to their objections?
they have?
How will you respond to their counterarguments/reactions
Denial, Argument and defense
Listening patiently and attentively
Talking a lot
Reminding her of her sense of duty
In the end, if it goes wrong, a passive
Not forcing arguments on her
Giving her time to think
agreement to what I say
Talking less
Anticipating Emotional Responses
THEIRS What emotions/behaviors might YOURS What responses do you need to
they display?
make to give the meeting its best chance to
succeed?

Aggressiveness
Defensiveness
Denial
Playing the victim

Remaining
calm
under
circumstances
Not raising my voice, or arguing
Explaining rationale behind
statements

all

my