The Big Book of

Nothing

A Collection of Vignettes
by Jonathan Serafica
Author of Video Games RETOLD!
Period 2, English 1 GATE

Todays Special: Pages

With A Side of Words
Appetizers
Table of Contents

You are looking at it

Lunch & Dinner

(Sorry, We Do Not Serve Breakfast!)

Everything Hurts
2
Video Games Retold: A Shameless Plug
The Hoard
3
Its Genes, Not Jeans
4
How I Almost Died
5

Dessert
Conclusion: A Retrospective

Here is a picture of a $777 burger that I found.

Looks delicious.

Everything Hurts
1

Today in this daily episode of life, I bring you a big book of five vignettes that describe
myself as a human being. Our first stop in this road trip, AKA this book, is my most treasured
memory. Thinking of one specific memory that I treasure the most is like picking which child in
your family you like the most. You appreciate all of them, but you can only pick one, and picking
one will anger the others. Wonderful. So
what did I pick for me to publicly yell out?
I picked the memory about the time
I won something in a video game. Pathetic,
yes. Me having something else to carry on
that joke, no. (Oh wait, I did carry on that
joke) So what did I win in what video
game? The video game in question is
Nuclear Throne. (I bet my foot that you do
not know what Nuclear Throne is.) And
what did I unlock? I unlocked an
alternative costume for a melting person named Melting, and the skin is literally just Melting,
just more melted.
So what was the big point of this B-Skin for Meltman and why are you making a big
deal out of extra pixels? you may ask. I can describe why I glorify the living daylights out of
extra pixels with a generic saying, Its not about the destination, its about the journey. The big
deal right here is how nail-bitingly difficult the unlock method is, Reach The Nuclear Throne As
Melting Without Rhino Skin Or Strong Spirit. Rhino Skin is basically more health, and Strong
Spirit prevents death.
The biggest problem is that Melting dies to absolutely everything in just the flick of a
wrist. You see, every character, except Crystal who has 10 HP, has 8 HP by default. Melting right
over there has only 2 HP. Every enemy, projectile, explosion, maggot, and other assorted good n
plenty can annihilate the poor thing. The best analogy I can make for this heckish task of an
unlock method is to compare it to those No-Damage Speedruns those nerds do.
Anyways, the Melting run was never supposed to unlock the B-Skin. I completely
intended it to be a generic Melting run. But then, I reached the Palace area, the last area in the
game, and I finally realized, Woah, I do not have Strong Spirit OR Rhino Skin. I CAN GET
THE B-SKIN, HOLY HOT SAUCE. I then reached area 7-3, where the Nuclear Throne is, and I
started battling the big chair. I took out my Plasma Rifle and Gatling Slugger and began
unloading all of the energy and shells at the couch (Nearly touched one of the projectiles). I then
finally did it. The pain and suffering of about 2000 tries was over. I sat on the throne, and yelled
in pure happiness.
But then I quickly stopped because I realized my dad was asleep.

Video Games Retold: A Shameless Plug

Ah, yes. Books, a magnificent form of art where writers can express fictional, or
nonfictional, thoughts that their brilliant minds have conjured up. Yea, too bad that was not what
Cory OBrien over there was thinking. Instead, he grabbed the concept of art with mythology,
threw it into the world of unacademic
slang and curse words, and created Zeus
Grants Stupid Wishes.
Now here is where I, Jonathan
Serafica, come into the picture. I discover
the book through the powers of Reddit and
I instantly buy it from Amazon. The book then arrives at my house, I grab it, and I, figuratively,
fall in love with the book. So much so that I create a fan-made spin-off of the book called Video
Games RETOLD! Instead of myths being retold, I would retell video game stories.
Writing Video Games RETOLD! was probably the first time in years where I really had
fun writing a book. The last time I had this feeling was most likely when I was in 2nd Grade.
Aside from the obvious, Hey, I am really having fun writing a book again! thing with
me, this book really goes to show how much creativity and vulgarity is within me. I mean, the
book is currently tallying at 45 pages as of writing this sentence with over 27 segments planned!
I think I can create art! I CAN CREATE WORLDS WITH MY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!
Oh ya, and I really hope to God that I finish that book around the same time the project for this
book is done, so now we can have twinsies!

The Hoard
Everybody has at least one thing they like to collect.
Be it casually collecting Pokemon cards, money, video games,
music, and other assorted good n plenty. But then there are
those people. You know them, the people who will go out of
their way to collect every little piece of a collection to
complete themselves as a human being. I am kind of one of
them.
So what kind of trash do I collect? I have a variety of
things that I collected but they all have one thing in common:
Video Games. My biggest collection so far is my Amiibo
collection. You know, those official Nintendo figurines that
actually do something in your video games. I used to take a liking into them but now I just
randomly buy them and display them, letting them rot in dust for the years to come. The thing I
am most proud of about my Amiibo collection is the fact that I bought a $60 Baseball Bat display
case from Michaels and displayed them there. It looks really nice, I have to say.
3

Another thing I collect are obviously video games. Right now, I mainly have Nintendo
ones, but there is more than meets the eye. Look in my .png image of my shelf and see how
many ancient fossils there is. I even have all the main handhelds in the Game Boy line, including
the Game & Watch. Another thing I am very proud of is my Atari 2600 console that my dad
managed to nab. That one is the oldest thing in my collection, being over 39 years old!

Its Genes, Not Jeans

My parents are one of the best people youll ever
know. Theyre really nice and hard-working people that
helped me reach the social status that I hold now as that
kid with lots of money. But that is not what we are going
to talk about in this segment. I will just spurt out about
what I got from my parents!
Most of my genes are more than likely inherited
from my dad. As in, Hey, You Look Like Your Dad!kind of heredity. We both even have the hair and the fact
our white hairs started popping up around High School
(Except for me, where I got them earlier than him. He got his probably when he was
Sophomore). Another main thing I inherited was my dads behavior. Ohhhh boy. The main things
I inherited from my fathers behavior was his humor and anger. I usually try to hold back my
anger but the humor is something I let roam free.
Now onto my mom; what I got from her, in appearance, was the abundance of pimples.
When she was high school, acne did not want to leave her alone. It was a curse, except instead of
being like Haha, now you cant swim in water anymore because this monster hates your guts
now and I cursed you!, its more like, You want to have a good social life? Thats cute, now
you have pimples growing all over your face and they hurt a LOT.
I know, pimples are the spawn of the devil. Anyways, another thing I inherited from my
mom was intelligence. Well I also did inherit that from my dad too, evident from the fact they
both graduated from good colleges and were able to put up with me. Now its my turn to be the
smart one in the family.

How I
Almost Died
Quite a sad ending, no? But all
good things must come to an end, in a
very sad way. Ok, back on topic. I
actually almost died one time. If it
wasnt for my dad, I wouldnt be here to
tell the tale!
Flashback to 2008! My parents
and I were taking a trip to Disneyland
and instead of a hotel, we stayed in a relatives house. The best part I can remember is that they
had a pool. One day, I was just walking around the pool like the stupid 6 year old I was, but there
was a catch. Oh yeaaaaaaah. I put the lower area of my shirt over my face because I dont know,
6 year old me liked it. Since there was a shirt covering my face, I had no idea where I was going.
Kersploosh. I fell into the pool. No, not the shallow side. The. Deep. Side. Oops.
All I could see when I was slowly floating in the deep side was just a shade of dark blue,
and the house. I felt that feeling, the one where you slowly drift into the abyss during a slow
death
and
never
come
back.
While that was happening, God was just chilling in heaven, and gets a message saying
that Jonathan Serafica was coming over. He was then like, Hey, wait a second! Jonathan
Serafica isn't supposed to be dead yet! So God then uses his super cool telepathic powers or
something, goes up to my dad and then he says, Hey, uh, youre sons drowning in the pool, and
he was supposed to have Diabetes at age 20 and Cancer at 34, so go save him so that my plan
will work. My dad is like, Holy mackerel! and starts running to the pool. He then dives into
the pool and fishes me out. I then finally got out abyss and never really did acknowledge what
just happened.
EXCEPT TODAY.

A Retrospective
5

In conclusion, we all have many things that make us humans. Maybe it could be a
treasured memory, parents, or something that makes you happy. For me, its just video games.
Yep, just video games. Anyways, I want to thank you for wasting about 20 minutes of your life
reading this book.
If you want more goodness, follow me at my weebly site of
http://jonathanseraficaenglish.weebly.com/,
By the way,
please do me a huge favor and

please read Video Games RETOLD!

I feel that in my opinion, it is WAAAAAAY more superior than this book.

Ok, Im going to sleep now.

Just close this book, go about on your day, and

pretend you never read this book.