LOVECRAFT'S

NECRONOMICON
FOR DUMMIES
by STAFF WRITER

LOVECRAFT'S NECRONOMICON FOR DUMMIES:

Revenance for the Rest of Us (R)
The Fun and Easy Way to Summon Agents of Darkness (TM).
Your First Aid Kit (TM) for Tortured and Troubled Souls Lost in Alien
Dimensions.
What to Do When Bad Things Happen (TM) --- Explained in Plain
English and Whimpering Cries.
"I knew this experiment wouldn't work ... Huh?! ... Who are
you?!!! How did you get here? ... my GOD ... WHAT are

you?! ... What have I done? ... AAARGGGHHH"

-- James Randi, amazed Necronomicon reader. Found on an
audio taped journal in an otherwise empty cabin.
Abdul's Top Ten Lists of Tips for the Necronomicon:
Ten shortcuts worth remembering

Ten unpopular mistakes and how to survive them

Ten most powerful ingredients for compounding the Incense of

Zkauba
Ten cool tricks

"Necronomicon for Dummies (R) can serve as your Silver Key (TM)
to portals through time and space." -- Y. Sothoth
Step into a new and improved world, "not in the spaces we know but
between them". Walk serene with those "primal, undimensioned
and ... unseen".
As it is said, "The Old Ones were, the Old Ones are, and the Old Ones
shall be." This naturally intimidates some people --- relax and read
NECRONOMICON FOR DUMMIES to learn how to summon the Old
Ones and their Awesome Powers. Abdul Alhazred's humorous, easyto-follow style makes evocation of the Old Ones practically automatic.
NOTE: THIS IS SELF-HELP TOME HAS BEEN A BEST-SELLER
FOR YEARS, QUICKLY SELLING OUT IN EACH OF ITS EDITIONS.
DESPITE ITS BASIS ON A FICTIONAL GRIMOIRE INVENTED BY
HORROR WRITER H. P. LOVECRAFT FOR THE CTHULHU
MYTHOS, THE EASY-TO-FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS CLEARLY
DETAILED IN NECRONOMICON FOR DUMMIES CAN TURN
EVEN THE MOST CYNICAL CRITIC INTO AN ACCOMPLISHED
WIZARD. BEWARE! THE ELDER MAGIC OF THE CTHULHU
MYTHOS IS REAL! (NO JOKE.) FOR THIS REASON, DESPITE ITS
CULT POPULARITY, EACH EDITION OF THIS PARTICULAR
BOOK HAS ONLY BEEN PRINTED IN LIMITED NUMBERS. GET
THIS ONE WHILE YOU CAN!

________________________________________________

"FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE."

--J. R. "BOB" DOBBS

THE REALITY: BEHIND-THE-SCENES

USUALLY EVERYTHING I WRITE IS WRITTEN "AS-IF" REAL,
AND IS THEREFORE PSEUDO-FACTUAL. HOWEVER, DUE TO
THE LITGIOUS NATURE OF IDG BOOKS, I WILL PROVIDE SOME
"REAL" BACKGROUND. (I LOATHE SUCH EXPOSES! IN THE
CURRENT CASE, IT IS LIKE EXPLAINING A JOKE, WHICH
USUALLY RUINS THE WHOLE THING.)
THE PRESENT DOCUMENT HAS BEEN COBBLED TOGETHER
FROM TWO OLDER PIECES OF LOVECRAFTIAN HUMOR
CIRCULATING AROUND THE INTERNET.
FIRST, "CTHULU FOR MORONS" BY YAEL DRAGWYLA, WHICH
WAS FIRST SEEN DURING THE LATE 1990S.
SECOND, A CLEVER GRAPHIC BY GODZILLASMASH, WHICH
WAS SEEN IN THE LOVECRAFT EZINE.
A FEW EDITORIAL CHANGES AND SPLICES COMBINED THE
TWO ITEMS, WITH A FEW OF MY "AS-IF" COMMENTS LATER,
AND VIOLA!
WHO AM I? FOR OUR PURPOSES HERE, I AM SIMPLY "STAFF
WRITER." I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE BUT NOW I HAVE
RETURNED.
HERE ARE THE COMMENTS OF
CONCERNING "CTHULU FOR MORONS":

YAEL

DRAGWYLA

"There seems to be a lot of Cthulu humor out there. Perhaps this is

the the way people who deal with Cthulu stay sane. In any case, I have
had a lot of Cthulu humor sent to me over the years, and this piece is
one of them. Unfortunately, I had to change the title. It was originally
entitled "Cthulu for Dummies" but I have received a legal notice from
the greyfaces at IDG Books (who produce the "...For Dummies(R)"
books) telling me that "it is highly likely that visitors could be misled
into believing that this article was authorized by or is associated with
IDGB." In other words, they have no sense of humor and seem to
think that we're all so stupid that we can't tell a joke from the real
thing.
IDG Books has asked me to "remove the infringing material from the
Web page and anywhere else it appears and provide IDGB with your
written assurances that you will refrain from infringing on its
trademarks."
To satisfy IDGB I have changed the offending title from "Cthulu for
Dummies" to "Cthulu for Morons". Last I checked, they did not have a
"...For Morons" registered trademark, so this should deal with the
legal problem.
Secondly, I am choosing to exercise my First Ammendment right to
free speech, using this webpage as my forum. I had always enjoyed
the "...For Dummies(R)" series put out by IDG Books, but I refuse to
do business with a company that has no sense of humor, and can't
even ask me politely to remove the material before threatening me
with legal action that "if this matter cannot be immediately resolved,
IDGB is fully prepared to enforce its rights." So I hereby declare that I
am boycotting all IDGB products, including ancillary products
licensed from IDGB bearing the "...For Dummies(R)" trademark. I
encourage others to do the same. If you would like to look at the legal
notice from the greyfaces at IDG Books to see just what pissed me off,
please do so.
"...For Dummies(R)" is a Registered Trademark owned by IDG Books
Worldwide ("IDGB"). Use of the name of any product without
mention of trademark status in this article should not be construed as
a challenge to such status. The inclusion of these product names in no
way implies any approved usage or official licensing of the contents of
this article with the aforementioned products.
"Cthulu for Morons" is a humorous spoof of IDGB's "...For
Dummies(R)" line of reference books. If you didn't have enough
brainpower to figure that out in the first place, you probably shouldn't

be messing around with Cthulu anyway, humorous or otherwise."

BEFORE WE GO, WE WILL REMIND YOU TO CHECK OUT THE
SIMILAR WORK OF LOVECRAFTIAN HUMOR BY ERIC NORTON,
"THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO BLOOD SACRIFICE" AT THE ENGLISH
WEBSITE, THE TEMPLE OF DAGON! ENJOY!