SCREEN: Call to Offering

SOUND: phone calling while making a call ( a few rings)

OPERATER: Youve reached Heaven, we are currently away
from our desk for Mothers Day, yes even in heaven we
celebrate Mothers Day (its Marys favorite day)
If youre calling for St. Peter press 1. If you have a
question regarding salvation press 2, for more info on
forgiveness press 7, 70 times, if youre struggling with
obsessive compulsion disorder press 5 repeatedly.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the
age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's
Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Your call is very important to us so please stay on the line,
if youre calling for God please press 3 , he will answer
your call in the order it was received, unless its his
prerogative to not speak with you right now, in which case
He will get back to you in His own perfect time.
SOUND OF #3
Gods voice mail: Hi this is God, youre call is very important to
me. In fact I already know what youre calling about, but if you
insist on speaking to me, remain on the line and I will be right
with you.

OPERATER:
While on hold, please enjoy the following musical selection,
prepared especially for you.
MUSAC (I just want to play on my drums all day)

GOD PICKS UP:

GOD: Hey Darren, thanks for holding, great question
Darren (interrupts): But I havent asked it yet!
GOD: Well if it makes you fell better, ask away.
Darren: Just had a question that wasnt on the
menu regarding giving.
GOD: thats an excellent subject Darren, whats your
question.
Darren:I have a couple questions, but my main question is
what would you say about our giving?
GOD: I feel like my son said it best: Do not lay up for
yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust[a]
destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for
yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust
destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For
where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Darren: So what I hear you saying is its good for us to give
because it demonstrates that your hearts are oriented to
you and not our stuff.
GOD: Thats exactly right, you get a gold star, no literally,
Im making a star and Im gonna name it after you, Dareweena
Darren: Thanks for helping me with God, I really do
appreciate it.
GOD: Well youre welcome Darren. Well I know other people
are listening, just let them know giving is an act of worship,
an expression of faith and another way of saying they love
me. Darren, thanks for your call, but Bruce Jenner is on the
other line with some pressing questions, I really gotta take
this call.

CALL TO CONFESSION

SCREEN: Call to Confession

SOUND: phone calling while making a call (a few rings)

OPERATER: Youve reached Heaven, we are currently away

from our desk. Please listen carefully as our menu options
have changed since your last call.
If you want to speak to Jesus press 1. For Peter, James or
John youll have to leave a message as they are away on a
fishing triphey, were on summer hours here! If you feel
as if youre suffering from schizophrenia please press 2,
no 3, no 2, no 3, no 2. If you have questions regarding
employment, press 4 for job, commonly mispronounced as
Job. For all other questions please remain on the line. Your
call is very important to us. If youre calling for God please
press 5, he will answer your call in the order it was
received.
SOUND OF #5
Gods voice mail: Hi this is God, youre call is very important to
me. In fact I already know what youre calling about, but if you
insist on speaking to me, remain on the line and I will be right
with you.
OPERATER:
While on hold, please enjoy the following musical selection,
prepared especially for you.
MUSAC (Dream Weaver, start at chorus)
GOD:
Hey Darren, another excellent question, youve had some really
good ones lately, Im glad youre congregation is so interested in
what I have to say! I appreciate you calling again, go ahead and
ask away!
DARREN:
Why is it important that we confess our sins?

GOD:
Well Daren, let me explain it to your this way. What if your son
Caleb did something wrong that you didnt want him to do,
wouldnt you want him to come talk to you about that?
DARREN:
Of course! I would want to know what he did.
GOD:
Well its similar with me. Even though I already know what youve
done, I like for you to come and talk to me about it. I care about
you, I love you. But theres another aspect think about when
you were a little boy and you did something wrong that your
father didnt want you to do. Was it easy carrying all that guilt
and shame? When you eventually managed the courage to talk
to him about it, didnt you feel better?
DARREN:
Yes, youre right. One of the worst things was feeling like I was
keeping something from my father.

GOD:
So when you come to me and talk to me about the mistakes you
make and the times youve really blown it and made a mess of
things, I can offer you the forgiveness you need so you can
forgive yourself.
I can relieve you of a burden that you were never intended to
carry. When youre no longer keeping anything from me, you
wont feel so distant and separated from me. This is why my son
Jesus came - so that nothing can separate you from my love.
DARREN:
In that case, Im gonna have to call you back on a private line,
because as you know, Im standing in front of a large group of

people, and theyre all looking at me right now, this could be

awkward
GOD:
Yes.
DARREN:
Uhh *idea* BUTwe could prayer our corporate confession
together and the two of us can talk more later.
GOD:
Always glad to hear your prayers Darren, call back when you
can
oh wow, speaking of confession, Brian Williams is on the other
line. Hes pretty upset about the whole losing his job thing. But
thanks for the call Darren, Boker Tav!