The Healthy Submissive

By Yalda Tovah
"Discipline gives total freedom;
it allows you to go beyond your limitations, to break through boundaries and rea
ch the highest goal. The path to discipline will not only save a person's life,
it will also give it meaning. How? By introducing him to deeper joys and deeper
longings, by creating a silence in which the whisper of the heart can be heard.
Truly, discipline is the road to liberation."
--Gurumayi Chidvilasananda
In this discussion, I will be talking primarily about the female heterosexual su
bmissive, because I don't know enough about non-heterosexual female submissives
and Dominants to know whether this analysis is completely applicable. This focus
is not to suggest that lesbian female submissives and their challenges are less
worthy of study, merely that I am not equipped at this time to do such a study.
So often, women who are newly aware of their submissive needs endure a period o
f self doubt around the troubling question: am I sick? I've seen women read the
psychiatric diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) and then ask, "do I have borderline perso
nality disorder?"
I am writing here not ONLY about the sexual aspects: "am I sick because I get tu
rned on by images of being taken, used, forced, swept away by masculine energy m
ore powerful than my own?"; I am also writing about the nonsexual aspects of bei
ng submissive: "am I sick because I yearn to depend on, and follow the lead of,
a man stronger than myself?"
I will attempt to address both aspects in this essay.
What precisely fuels this kind of question, "am I sick?" Why would a woman disco
vering the language of her nature think she has a mental disorder? Or at the ver
y least, have something very wrong with her?
A submissive discovers, or more properly, realizes and acknowledges that she fun
ctions AT HER BEST in relation to another. And the more intimate, holding, conta
ining that relationship, the better she feels and the better she performs in car
dinal areas of adult life: work, friendships, and parenting. Realizing she is at
her best in such relation makes her wonder why she can't do it for herself? Why
does she need such a relationship to accomplish what she should be able to do f
or herself?
In thinking about this, I have come to question the cultural determinants of wha
t is considered the highest good. Here in Western society, we place highest valu
e on independence, on "pull yourself up by the bootstraps", on the lone pioneer,
the trailblazer, the less needy and more self sufficient. We value competition
over cooperation, tangible acheivement over acheivement in relationship. We pay
big bucks to men (and the few women) who run big corporations, and less to the n
ursery school teachers, the nurses, the secretaries, the social workers, the car
egivers rather than the producers.
There is something wrong with believing that such independence is the only good.
It is especially wrong for the most relatedness-oriented among us, the submissi
ve female.
Part of the newly aware submissive's task is to separate out the internalized vo
ices of her culture: those voices that tell her she is too needy, too dependent,
too focused on the others in her life. Once she can articulate what those voice
s tell her, she can begin to question not HERSELF, but the validity of those int
ernalized values, using her own yardstick to measure her life, rather than our c

ulture's standard.
We can see how perspective is critical in understanding a phenomenon. In a study
of moral development in children, for example, Dr. Robert Coles, in a study of
moral development in children, researched how children decide what is good and r
ight. To do this, he presented several scenarios describing a moral or ethical d
ilemma, presented the scenario to school age children, and analyzed the results.
The description of the study here is to illustrate the nature of cultural bias
and it's impact on individuals.
One of Dr. Cole's scenarios was as follows:
A man has a very, very sick wife, so sick she could die if she doesn't get a par
ticular, very expensive medicine. The man doesn't have the money for the medicin
e, so in desperation he steals it from a pharmacy.
The children are asked questions about this scenario. Coles found that boys tend
ed to conclude that the man should be punished, because the law is the law, and
nobody should break the law. Coles saw this as a higher order of moral reasoning
, reflecting the statement, "a nation of laws, not of men." That is, that nobody
is above the law, and the rule of law is not situationally defined. The boys ap
plied an abstract universal principle to a singular instance. Coles understood t
his ability to transcend the personal as a "more evolved" form of moral developm
ent.
The girls were deeply troubled by the scenario, and most of them sought ways to
solve the man's problem within the context of relatedness: they wondered if the
man could ask the pharmacist for the medicine, and offer to work for him to pay
for it, or pay him back later. They wondered if the man had friends who could he
lp him pay for the medicine, and they believed he shouldn't be punished for his
act of desperation. Their sense of right was situational, and defined within the
context of relatedness. They did not come to articulate an abstract universal p
rinciple, but sought to solve the problem within the context presented. Coles sa
w this as a less logical, lower order of moral development because the girls cou
ld not emotionally distance themselves from the central human drama in the scena
rio.
After Coles' work was published a woman named Carol Gilligan reviewed the studie
s that Cole had done and reanalyzed them, in a book called, "In a Different Voic
e." Rather than seeing the boys' responses as evidence of "higher" development a
nd the girls' as "lower" she redefined them as different. And she pointed out th
at the girls responses, so firmly rooted in human context and relatedness were d
evalued by a society in which the typically masculine is of more cultural worth
than the typically feminine. She asked, "why is it considered a 'higher' order o
f moral development to value universal principle over human context?" and in so
doing highlighted the sexism inherent in the analysis.
As we can see, this type of analysis is extremely useful in understanding typica
l submissive conflicts. We tend to ask the wrong questions: "am I bad, sick, wea
k?", when we should be asking, "is there something missing from the yardstick I
use to measure myself?"
If one looks at capacity for relatedness as a strength, as a good, then it becom
es clear that the submissive has a talent for this, for relatedness. And that se
eking a partner who can meet her need for this relatedness is a good thing, a he
althy thing.
If we begin our analysis without the cultural assumptions about what is of "high
er" value, we can begin to understand that it is possible for a woman to be subm
issive, and to be healthy. And we can try to imagine what a healthy submissive f
unctions like, and how she developed her adult personality. Let's start backward

s, and ask ourselves, what might a healthy adult submissive woman "look" like, p
sychologically speaking:
1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emot
ionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, s
ustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself bec
ause her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context o
f a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. Sh
e is at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is rea
ctive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.
6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her
to adapt to changing circumstances.
7. The healthy submissive is playful.
8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about he
r body, and its goodness and beauty.
9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.
10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her cul
ture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs a
nd that there is no inherent "wrongness" about those needs.
11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself "as is" is tolerant of others.
But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.
13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficult
ies as well as her strengths.
14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrat
ing understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and
firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an eno
rmous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service.
What makes a woman a submissive?
As with all conjectures about human development, the answer is likely two-fold:
a combination of nature and nurture, biology and environment.
There is a whole body of literature that makes observations about temperment. Th
is literature talks about the variations in behavior in infancy as a manifestati
on of temperment: the expression of regularity, responsiveness, and reactivity.
In the area of regularity, some infants are regular and predictable from the get
-go: they sleep regularly, wake at predictable intervals to nurse, and have pred
ictable periods of alertness in which they begin the earliest socialization. Som
e infants are irregular: they will one day sleep for an 8 hour stretch, then be
awake all night, the next day they will sleep for one hour intervals through a 2
4 hour period. In the area of responsiveness, some infants will find novelty and

intense stimulation aversive, and will withdraw or become irritable when presen
ted with those; some infants are stimulated to engage and explore novelty and in
tense stimulation. Some infants have high thresholds for sensation, requiring a
relatively intense stimulus to become aversive, some have low thresholds, and re
spond to mild stimulation. Some infants will for example, be intensely distresse
d by a wet diaper; some will not register discomfort until diaper rash sets in.
The sum total of these innate, biologically founded responses make up temperment
. It is easy to see what people mean by an "easy" baby: one who sleeps, eats, an
d eliminates regularly and predictably; one who has a moderate response to stimu
lation, neither withdrawing nor reacting intensely; one who is drawn easily into
social exchanges, and provides pleasurable reinforcement of socialization with
their caregivers, one who is easily "read" and easily comforted, one who accepts
change without undue distress.
I think one of the traits in this biologically grounded array that makes up temp
erment is common to all submissives. And that is social responsiveness. I would
suggest that the baby who is tempermentally "set" to register and respond select
ively and sensitively to social cues has the seeds of submissiveness in her natu
re. This is the baby that will search the environment for a human face; who will
be attuned to, and very responsive to the human voice; who will preferentially
and selectively attend to, and process, human interaction.
This baby, as she grows into childhood, will be easy to control, to shape, espec
ially if she is tempermentally on the "easy" side. This little girl will be exqu
isitely sensitive to criticism and correction, to disapproval, to praise. Rather
than requiring a raised voice to correct, a raised eyebrow will often do.
Even further, this little girl will be exquisitely sensitive to nuance: she will
know when others are angry, hurt, sad, bewildered even when they are not spoken
about. She has a "sixth sense" about people.
As children do, she requires the adults in her life to validate her perceptions
when appropriate. Let's say her parents are troubled by a financial stress, and
like good, responsible parents seek to shield her from their stress. The child w
ill pick up on the unspoken tension, sensitive as she is to subtleties of body l
anguage, voice pitch, facial expression. She might inquire of her parents what i
s wrong, and be told "nothing is wrong, honey... go and play." This leaves the c
hild confused: she knows in that way that she knows, that something is wrong. Bu
t her perceptions are not validated. She is told nothing is wrong. But her paren
ts, who are not at their best, may be a little short with her, and picking THAT
up too, she goes off to play concluding that she must have done something wrong,
to be sent away. Part of this is the megalomania of childhood, part of this is
a reasonable and logical synthesis of resolving the child's felt sense of things
with what she is told.
This kind of interaction, repeated over the years, in the BEST and most loving o
f families, leads to an adult personality in which there is some anxiety associa
ted with relatedness. The submissive female learns to scan the social environmen
t for signs of trouble, seeks to "fix" the trouble, and all too often, believes
herself to be the cause of the trouble. If someone important is tired, the submi
ssive has exhausted them. If someone important is angry, the submissive must hav
e angered them. If someone important is disappointed, the submissive must have f
ailed them.
This trait, this interpersonal sensitivity in its highest expression is when the
submissive accurately registers interpersonal nuance, and responds to it with a
minimun of self-referral, recognizing that other's emotional states may have no
thing to do with the submissive herself. This is how it works for the healthy su
bmissive, who as an adult, often finds great fulfillment working in fields such

as social work, nursing, medicine, counselling, teaching.

There are certain vulnerabilities a child constituted with a submissive nature f
aces.
Because of her intense awareness of interpersonal nuance, she is highly sensitiv
e to both criticism and praise. When criticized, she is likely to feel intense s
hame; when praised, intense pleasure. Since the shame feels so bad, and the prai
se so pleasurable, she becomes a people-pleaser. This tends to lead to the devel
opment of what psychologists call "an external locus of control." Meaning that c
hild bases her self assessment (am I good or bad?) on factors outside herself. T
he female submissive defines herself based on what others tell her she is.
Parents have enormous responsibility with such an influenceable child. Nascent t
alents can either be nurtured or aborted with just a word. This child will likel
y live up, or down to, whatever is expected of her. Expect more than she can con
stitutionally do (like academic, athletic, or social success) and she will devel
op an intense sense of inferiority. Praise her out of proportion to her talents
(this is the BEST drawing any child EVER did) and she will develop an inflated s
ense of self. Accurately and sensitively validate her real abilities and talents
, and she will seek goals appropriate to her ability, and take pleasure in achei
ving them.
When the environment is reality based, sensitive, and balanced, the child grows
up embracing her special ability to be "related" to others, to be sensitive, and
has a sense of self in reasonable tune with her true abilities and vulnerabilit
ies, neither excessively self effacing or self aggrandizing.
But if development should go awry, as it too often does for this child, the pers
onality traits she has develop in a distorted manner, and cause her difficulties
.
In dysfunctional families, this child suffers more than others with tougher hide
s, less reactive temperments. She is often the one singled out for physical, sex
ual or emotional abuse. Her very nature makes her available for use: for the par
ent's angers, frustrations, sexual impulses, or narcissistic gratification.
When a submissive child is misused in this fashion, she is unable to utilize her
interpersonal talents in a constructive way. She must either develop rigid defe
nses that constrain her ability to be flexible as an adult, or be blown about by
the winds of other's emotions all her life, or become stuck in what are popular
ly called, "co-dependent relationships."
Women who emerge from childhood with these traits will be more or less conscious
ly submissive in that they are STILL moldable, controllable by others. Those who
don't consciously seek a Dominant partner will naturally gravitate to a man who
influences, controls her in a benevolent manner. Who accepts her, loves her, nu
rtures her, and values her sensitivity.
Those who consciously seek a Dominant partner are those who are perhaps, so sens
itive that they require not only benevolence, but someone who understands PRECIS
ELY how moldable and influenceable they are, and is capable of using the power t
o mold her and influence her deliberately and consciously, for her good and the
good of the relationship.
In that kind of relationship, the submissive is freed to be all of herself. She
is safe enough to feel her exquisitely sensitive reactions to others, to play li
ke a child, to give care and to take care, to be angry, to lose shame.
There is a strength beyond measure in self knowledge and acceptance. There is fr

eedom in jettisoning shame, in letting go of "shoulds."

To know oneself as a submissive woman, to accept that it is neither the terrible
thing that society tells us it is, nor the only right and true way to be for OT
HERS, is to be free. What is, is.
There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to foll
ow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of p
ower: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.
Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding fo
r weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive's
need for relatedness for inability to be alone.
Submissive women are not weaklings. They are sensitive people who have a great d
eal of resilience in the face of their particular challenges.
Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context.