I’ve joined a new department so this is going to be quick.

Not for this week the elaborate phrase,

the pithy adjective, les mots justes, the cunning adverb.

This week, we’re not going to dwell.

And nor we should. A deceptively unflat pitch gave us troubles to start with, as SCB found
ourselves incapable of getting into our usual passing rhythm. There was no defensive trouble
though, as Ben Gunn was back, shielded ably by a back four whose names roll off the tongue as
smoothly as they slide tackle; Meyern, Little, King, Patel.

We had a lot of the ball, but couldn’t really do anything with it. The midfield Mellor, Lock, Perkins
and Higham were dynamic and aggressive, but the ball would bobble out of reach, or the
opponent would get just a toe in too hoof it downfield. Kaka and I were working diligently to try
and keep possession, but the opposition were repelling us for the time being.

Last time we played them, the only danger they posed was from long throw ins. It was to prove
our undoing again as a long throw in wasn’t fully cleared and dropped to their striker 4 yards out,
who made no mistake in dispatching the ball past our helpless keeper.

The goal shocked SCB into action and we attacked with increased verve and vigour. I turned my
man and released Kaka down the channel, but his cross was blocked for a corner. Dan Higham
swung the ball in and the ball bobbled around without an SCB man applying the final touch. Some
slick football down the right got us to the edge of their box but my flick through to Jimmy was just
a touch too hard and escaped. Dan Higham won the ball in midfield and strode forward manfully,
but Kaka couldn’t quite get on the end of his through ball. A booming clearance from Pat was met
with panic in the opposition box as Kaka and I challenged for the ball, I held off my man and laid
the ball off to the onrushing James Perkins, but his goal bound shot was bravely blocked. Scott
then playing in Jimmy down the right and his cross hung high in the air, evading everyone and
dropping to Kaka at the far post, but his failed to connect with his volley and the keeper fielded it.

Half time came and went, with the tardy Jake coming on for Kaka. Jake immediately showed
everyone what we had been missing but picking up a pass from Dan, turning one man, bursting
past another and ripping a fearsome shot from range into the top corner. It was 1-1 and we had
44 minutes left to play.

SCB not began to exert full dominance as attack followed attack. Dan and I worked a chance on
the left, laying the ball off to Jake on the edge of the box but his shot could but skim the crossbar.
Moments later, a well worked throw in lead to another Dangerous Dan ball, but Chris Lock, who
had burst forward with purpose, could only head over from 10 yards out. It seemed only a matter
of time until we scored. Another throw in was worked slowly, and I dropped off, only to see the
ball crossed expertly into the area I had just vacated. I tackled (tripped) one of their midfielders
and ran into the box, staying up under a bad challenge, but wasted the cross. Scott Meyern from
right back was pushing ever higher, crossing balls into the danger area from good positions. I
won the ball after Jimmy Mellor chipped it forward and flashed a ball across the face of goal,
when more composure would have seen me lay it off to James, who had delayed his run to get
some space. Dan felt his hamstring challenging for the ball and was replaced by Dave Goldman,
who brought industry and hard running with him.

Controversy and SCB are never far apart, and we were on the receiving end of a very generous
penalty decision as their defender was pushed over in the box by and unseen SCB hand. He fell
on the ball and the ref gave a penalty. Jake, rightly full of confidence, took the ball and the
penalty, but his shot, though low and hard, was too close to the keeper.

There was still time for us to fashion more chances. The best of the match fell to me, as Jake
danced past flailing defenders to lay the ball into my path but 8 yards out with just a scrambling
defence to beat. Just as when losing my virginity, my eyes widened and I snatched at the chance
too early, lacking composure and consequently getting my technique completely wrong, leaving
all parties involved disappointed. Having waited so long for the opportunity, I failed to make the
best of it, despite extensive practice on my own. The entreaties that it happens to everyone
simply poured oil on my burning shame.

I was withdrawn to Ligio, who had made the journey despite only having the chance to play a few
minutes. He even got to touch the ball a couple of times!

As it was, the opposition created the best chance of the final moments, but Chris Little and Ben
Gunn combined to produce a great stop.

The game finished 1-1, which was probably a fair result based on the play, despite our better
chances. Next week we have Witan away, who played out a dirgeful 0-0 draw with us just after
Christmas. I’m predicting a goal fest. After all, by all accounts I was pretty good the second time.