BFHN

"Who knew home shopping could get so weird"

Written by Travis "T.Clips" Lawrence

April Bth'2016

BFHN
$urnmary
The Buy From Home Network is a local Ohio hased horne shopping channel. The boss
Marshall is laid back and takes on many quirky vendors that come in to pitch their items they
want to sell on the sirow. Each of the shours hosts have their own issues that they bring to
Marshall. The prdu(tion tearn is a group of unmotiuated gamers that bitch about everything.
Marshall's assistant Sally is annoying and messes everything up, leauing Marshall to fix it. The
way the BFHN works is individuals come in to pitch their items to Marshall and the hosts
{foo4 gadgets, Jorelry, Clothlng} will put on the tv shor for sales. The BFH[{ is a three hour
block on laal television that has a Food segment hosted hy a bltchy wanna be talk show
host, a Tech Segment hosted by a tech genlus and his idiot side kick, and a fushion segment
hosted by an old southern bell.

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Episode ldeas
I

Am The Meatball King:

A local meatball maker wants his meatballs to go big. After tasting the meatballs everyone is in
love with them and ends up eating half the sales. Halbert ends up havingto go to the hospital

after having a heart attack triggered by the glutinous meatball indulgence.

He Yllas A Rouge Mineral Nazi:

A local mineral miner wants to sell his minerals on tv. lt becomes obvious that he is racist after
not wanting to deal with Marshall. Marshall allows the man on air bc he is pals with the voice.
While on air the rnineral guy goes "rouge" and begins spewing afiti race propaganda.

And She Thought They Were Vases?:

A local stoner comes in to sell vases. Julie is the only one he talks to because Marshall is out
sick. Julie is naive to the fact that this guy is an obvious stoner and is selling bongs as vases. The
crew finds this hilarious but Marshall has to deal with the uoice for this one.

Bone Drone:
Two local radio cotrtrolled helicopter salesmen go on air to sell there choppers on the tech
show. The show is interrupted when police men come in to arrest the men who have been
using the drones to spy on wornen.

Faptops:
While showing off laptops porn pop-ups flood the screen. The show goes black and Stan is
confused, No one can figure out how this happened until find out Halbert has caused this by
logging on to sketchy sites with the laptop before the show.

What ls She Doing? Boys, She Knows Exactly What She's Doingl
to showcase some of her revealing night ware. Things get hard
guys
the
in the office when this lady puts on quite a show. Jessica is not happy.
A sexy fashionista shows up

/ *yr 15

for

BFHI{
A Television $how Cfeeted hy Travis Lawrenqe

Charactgpq:
ilarshall Wlnston+<
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Head of dtudib
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6ets evenjthing from show for free

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The Voice
. President of company
. Never is seen
' Only Marshall can understand him (to everyone else he sounds like Charlie Brown
teacher!
. Always bitches but Marshall never pays attention
Stan }lichkey
. One half of the "Tech Team"
. Nerdy
. 27 year old
. Tech Genius

Halbert *Hal' lf,illson

. Other half of "Tech Team"

. ldiot
*'
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. 35 yearold
l\\ut.-'[f
ff t uu-yr fio ""._5 Bcc(
. Loud mouth babbler $*
.

Jessica Stewart
.
.
.
.

25 year old

Stuclt up
Bitchy

FoodShowhost

Julie Goodwater
r

ff! year old

tl nttr- {tz

.
.
r

Vixen
Fashion and Jewelry host
Southernaccent

Nelson Heller
. ProductionSuperuisor
. Videoguy
r 5O year old
. Bitter knor it all
Lewis Reynolds
. Audioguy
. Quiet
r 28 year old 5f o*vl. Anti system
Sally o8al" Haxrvell
. Marshalfs assistant
' 22 yearold
o Anno,ying {o* 6ott : v\
' Messes everything uP
Paul Calliano
. Neur ffoor director
6ut
Nrr^l
,*--' 20 year old
. Basically doeswhat he istold
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Pilot
"Meat Monday"

Camera in car with Marshall listing to a song as he is pulling into work. Camera follows
Marshall to see Halbert and Stan trying to kiII afly. Marshall takes offhis hat and kills the
fly, then ratses his hqt in a heraic manner. HaI pauses during the excitement gaes to
"attention"for Marshall and then renders a salute. Marshall salutes back. Inwalks Je.ssica.

|essica: You guys are idiots

apening Credits
Camera opens on Marshall going fo his ffice followed by lessica enraged that she has to
showcase mini sausages, stakes and gourmetbacon onher upcoming show.

|essica: Meat Monday....Meat Monday is what we've come too?

Marshall: Ratings are low...people like meat. You're the only one who seems to not like
meat.

|essica: It's disgusting and perverted. I'm not doing the show.

Marshall: cool
In walks

Sal,

Marshall's assisrant. She begins to talk but is quickly cut off.

Sal: So the meat gpy called he will be here...

Marshall:

Sal see

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15 ,\Lh,lwf C,,i oin^

if Hal wants to do the food show today.

Jessica

I'11

do meat Monday.

lessica storms out of Marshall's office

SaL So....should I ask Hal to do the show.

Marshall: I donno

Sal

what do you think? (Sarcastic)

rtrfirU1A[L

thinks she's above meat

Monday.

|essica: Sal don't you dare, this is my air time.

g1

Sal: ['ll go as.....

Marshall: No Sal, you won't

ass. Jessica is

doing the show.

Sal: Ok...well the meat guy said he's gonna be in an hour early. Also I think your boss
called...I couldn't understand him....you should call him back. Now tomorrow you have 3
new venders coming to showcase...I iust need to know what time....

Marshallwalks outwhile Sal is still speaking.

He walks inta producfion room where the guys are talking about video games and watching
w. Sal follows and begins to blabber fo Nelson about a new guy.
Sal: Hey Nelson, there's a new floor director coming in today?

Nelson:Cool,whyareyoutalking. Net>ox, rs 6i,oAtf t\'\eil-k-,

rvlor-fr.ut

fe

sAr-

Marshall (cutting SaI offbefore she speaks): I'll take the new guy, we got a big show
and I want production to be on their games.
The production crew laughs
Inwalks Stan

Stan: Hey Marshall some kid is here to see you. Says he's the new floor director.

Marshall: cool thanks.

Marshall and Salwalk into the hosts ffices where we see Jessica talking to the new guy.
fessica: The production guys suck. I hope you can help them out they could use it. I don't
see how Marshall does it. And Sal, god she is annoying. Blah blah blah blah.....

Marshall: I see you met the hospitality manager

Jessica. [sn't she just a

doll. What's up

I'm Marshall and this is Sal.

Sal: Heywelcome to....

Marshall:

Sal is my assistant. This is the host quarters. You met Jessica host of the food
segment. Those two studs over there are The Tech Team. Here's Stan, he's a tech genius,
probably our most popular host and iust an all around good dude. This is Halbert he's the
other host.

Halbert: Marshall is a bastard. He failed out of college and became the boss at a local
shopping channel.

/nP,Llt,
Marshall: What's that make you,

---t---2
{'-'

u"{t

Hal?

Anyway, that's Julie over there, she dose the fashion segrnent.
How
ya doing doll baby? Aren't you just the most hansom little thing. If I wasn't
|ulie:
such a lady I would make a bet that all the little girls are chasing you around.

New Guy: Noooo.... (obviously uncomfortable)

Marshall: Alright, let's go meet the production guys. Things could get weird, just
rememberyou signed up, and you will be paid.
New Guy: haha ok
New guy and Marshallwalk into the studfo to see Jessica talking with Nelson and a shortfat
white man (meat guy)

Marshall: Hey Nelson this is the new guy he's gonna be floor directing today.
Nelson: Cool, don't mess it up.

Marshall:

Sal

will be with him.

Nelson:'We're doomed.
Marshall and new guy cantinue baek to praduction.
In walks Lewis, the audio guy. He begins setting up the boards.

Marshall: Hey Lew new guy. New guy Lew.

Lew: howdy new guy... What's that French?

New Guy: haha no, my names actually...

Marshall:

Sal, take

r.

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t*rvs N*^s ir

\)e"rl6rl

ssi>

him and go get set up.

Lew: HeardJessica was pissed about meat Mondays. I bet she'd me p_rqsqdgf if she knew I
suggested it hahahah

Marshall: Right dude, I donno this old man is kind of strange, hope h":T";#t*l .o,r*".
Lew: Oh man, I'm praying to the spaghetti prince for this to go wrong hahahah.

Marshall: Only time will tell...only time will tell.

Marshall goes into his ffice asNelson and Lewis take their places at their boards.

Camera comes out to Sal and new guy getting ready ta kick the show off. Camera cuts to
show cam and sees the guy looking at jessicawith a glow. Camerq. cuts back to maxwho
counts downfrom 5.
Sal: 5...4...3...stand

by.

She ques

Show cam

fessica: Hello out there everybody, I hopeyou brought your appetite this Monday
evening. Today we are featuring Ol'Jim's smoked sausage, bacon, and grade A stakes.
How are you doingJim.

Ol'|im: Well hello

there Jessica and don't you look like something from a magazine. It's
meat Monday and I'm not here to disappoint. I have the best crispy bacon, thickest cuts
of meat, and the most sayory smoked sausage you'll ever put in your mouth....ain't that

right sweaty?
|essica: That's rightJim and we are selling these products for the low low price of 53.39 or
15 quick pays of 3 dollars and 55 cents'
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4r +\1*.^y.

Ol'fim: That's right

Jessie, these plump iuicy saumges are sure to please. And these
stakes are as thick as.....

|essica (getting uncomfortable): Jim...where do these stakes come florn?

Cqmera cuts ta Marshallwha storms ouf af his offiee into the production roamwhere
Ne/son and Lew arelaughing.

Marshall: How long until break, this guys getting more horney by the second. He's gonna
start humping her leg any minute.

Nelson (laughing\:

+,*

Manshall (to Sal through head set): We got 5 minutes and we go to break. We gotta get
slim jim out of there.
Camera cuts to Sal signaling 5 minutes to Jessicawho is trying ta hold on.
Ol'Jim is now holding q snusage in hrs hand and pounding awla,ardly on a stske while
staring at Jessica.

fessica: As Jim said this bacon has a nice smokey flavor. The smoked meats arnt easy to
do are theyJim.

fim: Hell no it ain't...one time I was out baek in the smoker....smoking more than meat if
you know what I mean..and out comes my bitch of a wife to tell rne dinner is ready. You
know what Jessica I could get rid of that old...
Carnera cufs to Marshall in the production raom.

Marshall: Go black!
Camera cutsback ta SaI.
Sal: Break....thanks Jirn were getting a lot of calls for the meat your good to go, Marshall
will have your money in a sec.

|essica: Jim you got to go, what the hell is wrong with you..you old pervert...
Marshall rushes in as Jessica is a about to dismantle Jim and Jim likes it.

Marshall: What the heck Jim. You come on here all hot and bothered by
sausages....snaking stakes....flingrng bacon what's wrong with you.

Jessica.

Stroking

|im: I'm sorry Marshall but look at her she's gorgeous. I can't help my self. I deal with
meat all day eYery d"y.....

MarshalL Got it ]im here's your check.... You'll get your bonus once and if it all sells.

fim: Whatever...gimme my meat money and I'll be on my way..

Jim snatches his check then walks out.
In walks Hal for the food. Starfs eating...everyone else trickles in to eat....
Show ccm shows the graup eqting the meat.....
Fade

Out