The Impact of Divorce on Children: Facts and Fiction

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Over 1 million children are involved in new divorces each year.

The percent of children living with only one parent grew from 12 in 1970 to 28 in 1996.
Total number of divorced adults grew from 4.3 million in 1970 to 20 million today.
Married population dropped from 72% in 1970 to 60% today.
Judith Wallersteins work of 25 years of interviewing children of divorce indicates that
children take a long time to get over their parents divorce.
The most harmful and profound effects tend to show up as children reach maturity and
struggle to form their own adult relationships.
Wallerstein reports that children of divorce tend to expect disaster and therefore often
create disaster. Conflict leads to flight. Children of divorce tend to make terrible errors in
whom they choose to have relationships with.

Time Magazine (September 25, 2000)

The majority of children have little emotional preparation for their parents separation and they
react with distress, anxiety, anger, and disbelief (Hetherington, Cox & Cox, 1982; Wallerstein &
Kelly, 1980).
Usually these crisis-engendered responses last about 1 to 2 years. (Hetherington & Clingempeel,
1992)
In a study of parent-child communications about divorce, 23% of children said no one talked to
them about the divorce, and 45% said they had been given abrupt one or two line explanations.
Only 5% said they had been fully informed and encouraged to ask questions (Dunn et al.).
A major stressor for children is persistent conflict between parents following separation and
divorce (Emery, 1982; Johnston, 1994; Johnston & Roseby, 1997).
Putting children in the middle is more likely to be destructive than just the presence of conflict
(Buchanan, Maccoby & Dornbush, 1991; Johnston, 1994).
The findings on the impact of post-divorce conflict have been mixed, but there is general
agreement that children are on average worse off. (Hughes, 1996).
In 1991, Amato and Keith examined the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children. Their
conclusions indicated that children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families
to have difficulty in school, have behavior problems, negative self-concepts, and problems with
peers. These children also have more difficulty getting along with peers.
In 1994, Amato pointed out that children from intact families and children from divorced parents
are more alike than they are different.
Hetherington (1993) found that 90% of adolescents from intact families were within the normal
range for problems and 10% had serious problems. The percentages for divorced families were
74% of the boys and 66% of the girls were in the normal range, and 26% of the boys and 34% of
the girls were in the problematic range.
Hughes (1996) concludes that although most of the children of divorce will not need serious

help, more children from divorced families will need some type of help.
Compared with children whose parents stay married, children from divorce are:
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Twice as likely to see a mental health professional.

Up to twice as likely to have problems managing their behavior.
Perhaps 1.25 to 1.5 times as likely to have problems with depressed moods.
Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduation.
1.25 to 1.5 times more likely to get divorced themselves.

In spite of these facts, Emery concludes that:

12 Most children from divorced families are not at risk.
13 Most children from divorced families are resilient, although divorce is incredibly painful
for resilient children, too.
14 Even after separation, what parents do is the most important determinant of whether
children are at risk or resilient.
Emery (2004)
Kelly and Emery (2003) report that the extent or risk for children of divorce is at least twice that
of children in continuously married families. Although 10% of children in continuously married
families have serious psychological and social problems, as measured by objective tests,
estimates are that 20-25% of children from divorced families had similar problems (Hetherington
& Kelly, 2002; Zill & Schoenborn, 1990).
Children in divorced families have lower academic performance and achievement test scores
compared with children in continuously married families (McLanahan, 1999).
Children of divorced parents provide less financial, social, human, and cultural capital to their
children compared to children with parents who remained married (Sun & Li, 2001).
Children from divorced families are more likely to have problems in their intimate relationships
and are more likely to be divorced themselves (Amato, 2000; Chase-Lansdale, Cherlin, &
Kierman, 1995; Wolfinger, 2000).
Kelly and Emery (2003) state that the evidence is that the majority of children of divorce are not
greatly harmed by their parents divorce, but they do suggest that children of divorce suffer longterm painful memories, feelings of loss, and a feeling of distress related to the experience of no
sense of control over their lives following divorce.

Implications for Interventions:

interventions are more likely to benefit children from divorced families if they seek to contain
parental conflict, promote authoritative and close relationships between children and both
parents, enhance economic stability in the post-divorce family and, when appropriate, involve
children in effective interventions that help them have a voice in shaping more individualized

and helpful access arrangements (Kelly, 2002).

Programs designed to facilitate childrens post-divorce adjustment have been shown to have
promising behavioral and psychological changes in both parents and children (Haine, Sandler,
Tein, & Dawson-McClure, 2003)
child-focused programs have demonstrated significant reductions at follow-up in child
externalizing and internalizing behaviors and child self-esteem compared with non-treatment
controls.
Results from studies provide support for the efficacy of child coping programs and parenting
skills interventions in the prevention of mental health problems for children of divorce.
Meaningful reductions in mental health problems for a significant subgroup of todays
youth could be achieved if such programs were widely available (Winslow, Wolchik, &
Sander, 2004).
References
Amato, P.R. (1994). Life-span adjustment of children to their parents divorce. Future of Children: Children of
Divorce, 4, 143-164.
Amato, P. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62, 12691287.
Amato, P. & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and adult well-being: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marriage and
Family, 53, 43-58.
Buchanan, C., Maccoby, E., & Dornbush, S. (1991). Caught between parents: Adolescents experience in divorced
homes. Child Development, 62, 1008-1029.
Chase-Lansdale, P.L., Cherlin, A.J., & Kierman, K.E. (1995). The long-term effects of parental divorce on the
mental health of young adults: A developmental perspective. Child Development, 66, 1614-1634.
Dunn, J., Davies, L., OConnor, T., & Sturgess, W. (2001). Family Lives and friendships: The perspectives of
children in step-, single-parent, and nonstop families. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 272-287.
Emery, R.E. (1982). Interparental conflict and the children of discord and divorce. Psychological Bulletin, 92, 310330.
Emery, R.E. (2004). The truth about children and divorce. New York: Penguin Books.
Haine, R.A., Sandler, I.N., Tein, J.-Y., & Dawson-McClure, S.R. (2003). Changing the legacy of divorce: Evidence
from prevention programs and future directions. Family Relations, 52, 397-405.
Hetherington, E.M. (1993). An overview of the Virginia Longitudinal Study of Divorce and Remarriage with a
focus on the early adolescent. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 39-56.
Hetherington, E.M., & Clingempeel, W.G. (1992). Coping with marital transitions: A family perspective.
Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 57.
Hetherington, E.M., Cox, M., & Cox, R. (1982). Effects of divorce on parents and children. In M. Lamb (Ed.),
Nontraditional families (pp. 223-288). Hillsdale, N.J.: Erlbaum.
Hetherington, E.M., & Kelly, J. (2003). For better or worse. New York: Norton.
Hughes, R., Jr. (1996). Internet in-service on children and divorce. The effects of divorce on children. Ohiostate.edu/famlife/divorce/effects.htm.

Johnston, J.R. (1994). High-conflict divorce. Future of Children, 4, 165-182.

Johnston, J.R., & Roseby, V. (1997). In the name of the child. A developmental approach to understanding and
helping children of conflict and violent divorce. New York: Free Press.
Kelly, J.B. (2002). Psychological and legal interventions for parents and children in custody and access disputes:
Current research and practice. Virginia Journal of Social Policy and Law, 10, 129-163.
Kelly, J.B., & Emery, R.E. (2003). Childrens adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives.
Family Relations, 52, 352-362.
Kirn, W. (2000). Should you stay together for the kids? Time, 156, 74-82.
McLanahan, S.S. (1999). Father absence and childrens welfare. In E.M. Hetherington (Ed.), Coping with divorce,
single parenting, and remarriage: A risk and resiliency perspective (pp. 117-146). Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence
Erlbaum.
Sun, Y., & Li, Y. (2001). Marital disruption, parental investment, and childrens academic achievement. Journal of
Family Issues, 22, 27-62.
Wallerstein, J.S., & Kelly, J.B. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New
York: Basic Books.
Winslow, E.B., Wolchik, S.A., & Sander, I. (2004). Preventive interventions for children of divorce. Psychiatric
Times, 21, 45-48.
Wolfinger, N.H. (2000). Beyond the intergenerational transmission of divorce: Do people replicate the patterns of
marital instability they grew up with? Journal of Family Issues, 21, 1061-1086.
Zill, N., & Schoenborn, C.A. (1990). Developmental, learning, and emotional problems: Health of our nations
children, United States, 1988. Advance data from Vital and Health Statistics, No. 190. Washington, DC: National
Center for Health Statistics.

Healthy Pattern of Restructuring Following Divorce

Most families experience three stages of adjustment following divorce.

Teyber (1992)

1 Initial period of disruption

life is chaotic, children and parents uncertain about the future,
most painful stage

2 Transitional period

parents try new lifestyles and reorganize family

3 Period of renewed sense of stability

children feel more secure stable pattern of interactions and exchanges

between homes

Dynamics of high conflict families

The parents are unable to make use of the divorce to resolve issues within or
between themselves and are frozen in the transition. In effect, the form of the
custody dispute or litigation becomes their new pattern of relationship
(Johnston and Campbell, 1998: 7-12).
According to Johnson and Campbell in their book Impasses of Divorce,
Impasses occur at three levels:
4 the external,
5 the interactional
6 intrapsychic or internal.
The external level, the dispute may be fuelled by significant others (extended kin, new
partners or helping professionals) who have formed coalitions or alliances with the
divorcing parties and legitimized their claims.
The interactional level, the dispute can either be a continuation of a conflictual
relationship or the product of a traumatic or ambivalent separation of parents.
The intrapsychic level, disputes may serve to manage intolerable feelings engendered
by the divorce (humiliation, sadness, helplessness and guilt) in psychologically
vulnerable parents (Johnston and Campbell, 1988: 12; Johnston and Roseby, 1997: 522).

Most couple experiencing divorce will be in conflict during separation and

through out the divorce. This period of conflict usually lasts from 1 to 2 years.
Furstenberg and Nord noted in one study that the most common pattern of
parenting two years after divorce is parallel parenting. Communication is
minimal and usually focuses on access arrangements.

Characteristics of High Conflict Families.

1 Extremely distrustful of the other parent
2 A strong need to protect the child from the other parent: may verbalize a
lack of confidence in the other parents ability to care for the child
3 Unable to separate the childs needs/feelings from their own. Inability to
shield children from their own emotional pain or anger

4 Unable to separate the childs divorce experience from their own

(he/she left us)
5 Poor personal boundaries ( What I feel, is what you feel)
6 Can not take responsibility for how their actions affect the children.
(tendency is to blame the other parent and hold self blameless)
7 Unable to see any positive qualities in the other parent
8 Project blame for the divorce on the other parent. Does not have the
ability to accept any responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship
pre-divorce or post divorce (The divorce is their fault. They never tried to
work things out. He/she destroyed our family)
9 Repeat litigation
10 History of verbal abuse or physical aggression
11 Can not disengage from negative perspective of other parent. Does not
integrate new information ( That was a mistake, it will never happen
again may hold belief that the other parent had some alternate motive
for positive behavior)
12 One or both parents may treat children as peers.
13 Openly shares negative information or adult information about the other
parent with children either overtly or subtly.
14 High degree of competitiveness (example could be how time is shared
i.e. parent asking for make up time because a child attended an event
during their scheduled time. Keeping track of minutes /hours)
15 My refer to other parent in third person or by formal name Mr. Smith

Characteristics of High Conflict Personalities

Few professionals may understand the attraction of those with personality disorders or
traits to the legal process. Yet a comparison of characteristics shows a perfect fit, which
may explain why they increasingly show up in court as High Conflict Personalities.
(William A. Eddy, LCSW, JD, 2004)
Characteristics of HCPs

Characteristics of Court Process

Lifetime Preoccupation:
Blaming Others
Avoid taking responsibility
All-or-nothing thinking
Seek attention and sympathy
Aggressively seek allies
Speak in dramatic and emotional
extremes
Focus intensely on others past
behaviors
Punish those guilty of harming
you
Try to get others to solve your
problems
Its okay to lie if you feel
desperate

Purpose: Deciding who is to blame, whos guilty

Court will hold someone else responsible
Guilty or not guilty are usually the choices
One can be center of much attention
Gather and bring many advocates to court
Argue or testify in dramatic and emotional
extremes
Hear or give testimony on others past behaviors
Court is the most powerful place to impose
punishment in our society
Many professionals will work hard to solve your
problems
In reality, the court rarely acknowledges or
punishes lying (perjury)

High Conflict Personalities begin to generate distorted information which fits how they
feel. Their feelings create their facts.

Resources and Other Helpful Links

Websites
Divorce Magazine.com www.divorcemagazince.com an informative online magazine
that provides area specific resources.
Divorce and children.com www.divorceandchildren.com hosted by Christina
McGhee, a divorce coach, parent educator and parent coordinator this site offers
helpful information and advice for parents on divorce related issues.
How to Divorce as Friends.com www.divorceasfriends.com Bill Fergusson guides you
through healing your hurt, resolving personal issues and ending conflict with your ex
spouse.
Our Family Wizard.com www.ourfamilywizard.com is an interactive and secure means
for separated or divorced parents to communicate and share information between
households. Eliminates the stress of verbal communication. Important information can
be accessed from any location.

the concerns and problems children of divorce face. Topics are addressed in a fun,
entertaining, and kid friendly way. Available for order online or parents can call toll free
1-877-536-6672.
Collaborative lawyer.com- www.collaborativelawyer.com provides information about
the collaborative, cooperative approach to a legal divorce.
Colorado Divorce Mediation www.coloradodivorcemediation.com award winning
information by Colorado attorney-mediators on the child-friendlier and increasingly
popular and positive alternative to adversarial divorce: family mediation.
Recommended Readings
For adults:
Moms House, Dads House, making two homes for your child. Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. A
complete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried.
Were Still Family, what grown children have to say about their parents divorce.
Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. By listening to the voices of these grown children, divorcing
parents will learn what they can do to maintain family bonds. Also by Dr. Ahrons, The
Good Divorce.
Divorce Poison. Richard Warshak, Ph.D. An excellent resource for parents dealing with
an angry, vindictive, and sabotaging ex-spouse.
Joint Custody with a Jerk. Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran. A funny title dealing with a
serious subject. How to co-parent with an uncooperative ex.
What about the Kids? Raising your children before, during, and after divorce. Judith
Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee.
Because Life Goes On - Helping Children and Youth Live with Separation and Divorce.
Available at www.mentalhealthpromotion.com. This is a thorough and useful guide for
parents and others trying to help children. Published in both English and French.
Divorce without Disaster. Janet Brumley. Collaborative law in Texas.
Stepfamilies. Dr. James Bray and John Kelly. Answers important questions of stepfamily
life.
How to Win as a Stepfamily. Emily Visher, Ph.D. and John Visher, M.D. Written by the
founders of the Stepfamily Association of America.
Taking the High Road; How to Cope with your Ex-Husband, Maintain your Sanity and
Raise your Child in Peace. Nailah Shami a witty, candid book which empowers
women to rise above it all and develop a winning attitude following divorce.
Video for Children
Lemons 2 Lemonade: How to Handle Life When Things Go Sour Between Mom and Dad.

Written and produced by two divorce experts, Stephen Loughhead and Christina
McGhee, this entertaining and informative 45 minute program gives children the
information they most need when their parents divorce.
Available at www.lemons2lemonade.com.
Books for Children
Dinosaurs Divorce. Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown.
What Children Need to Know When Parents Get Divorced. William L. Coleman. A book to
read with children going through the trauma of divorce.
Its Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. Vicki Lansky. A read together book for parents and young
children during divorce.
I Dont Want to Talk About It. Jeanie Franz Ransom and Kathryn Kunz Finney. A story
about divorce for young children.
Lets Talk About It: Divorce. Fred Rogers. Famous Mister Rogers offers calm, caring
support.
Mom and Dad Dont Live Together Anymore. Kathy Stinson and Nancy Lou Reynolds.
At Daddys on Saturdays. Linda Walvoord Girard and Judith Friedman.
Two Homes. Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton.
Are We Divorce Too Daddy? Vickie Gunnells-Hodge. Encourages divorced dads to stay
involved.
Missing Rabbit. Roni Schotter A comfort to children who go back and forth,
Schotters thoughtfully conceived story addresses the anxieties of very young children
living under joint custody arrangements. For ages 3-6.
My Stick Family. Natalie Reilly and Brandi Pavaese this book emphasizes and reaffirms
the resilience and constancy of love for children within the family, even after a
marriage ends.