Castle Happy:

Love and Tomfoolery in Hearst's San Simeon

by Jeff Dunn and John Freed
book by John Freed
(freed@chapman.edu)
music by Jeff Dunn
(jdunn@mmalameda.com)
lyrics by John Freed and Jeff Dunn
Book Version 4.75f 3-7-2016 draft
2015

by Jeff Dunn and John Freed

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The musical's promotional website:

http://www.castlehappy.com/

Supporting Videos:
https://vimeo.com/124075001
https://vimeo.com/154107048

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CAST OF CHARACTERS
ARTHUR LAKE
MID 30S. FRIEND OF W.
R. HEARST'S SON JACK.
FAILED ACTOR - NOT
UNLIKE THE DAGWOOD
NEBBISH WHO HE WILL
LATER CREATE AND MAKE
FAMOUS.
STEVENS
30-50. THE BUTLER
SHOULD ALSO PLAY THE
MASKED BALL-ROOM
DANCER.
MARION DAVIES
LATE 30S. HEARST'S
LONG-TIME COMPANION.
PATRICIA VAN CLEVE
17 YEARS OLD.
UNACKNOWLEDGED DAUGHTER
OF MARION AND W. R.
HEARST- AN ADOLESCENT
IN A LONG LEGGED
WOMAN'S BODY
W. R. HEARST
MID 70S. OWNER AND
FOUNDER OF THE HEARST
CORPORATION.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN
LATE 40S. HANGING OUT
IN SAN SIMEON BETWEEN
HIS FILMS MODERN
TIMES AND THE GREAT
DICTATOR.

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ERROL FLYNN
LATE 20S. A LITERAL
HOLLYWOOD UP AND COMER,
TRADING ON HIS
CHARISMATIC GOOD LOOKS.
CLARK GABLE
LATE 30S. A YEAR LATER
WILL MARK HIS
BREAKTHROUGH
PERFORMANCE IN GONE
WITH THE WIND. THIS
ACTOR ALSO PLAYS THE
COUNTY SHERIFF.
BETTE DAVIS
30S. IN THE THROES OF A
DIVORCE BUT AT THE
HEIGHT OF HER CAREER,
HAVING JUST WON THE
OSCAR FOR JEZEBEL A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR
MAY BE AN IDEAL
CASTING.

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ACT I, SCENE 1
MUSIC: 0.

OVERTURE

SETTING As the curtain opens

there is the sound of a
departing train and the stage
is covered with fog. There
are train tracks visible and
hanging under an art-deco
street lamp is a sign which
reads San Luis Obispo
Station. The date is October
30, 1938.
Arthur Lake, carrying a
carpet bag with cowboy boots
strapped on it, enters
singing.
MUSIC: 1.

"LOST IN THE FOG"

ARTHUR
LOST IN THE FOG.
TOTALLY LOST IN THIS FOG.
SOMEHOW I'M ALWAYS LOST IN A FOG.
WHERE AM I?
TO FIND A FRIEND I HAVE KNOWN
IN A PLACE I'VE NEVER BEEN
WHEN THE HANDS THAT ARE MY OWN
CAN'T BE SEEN?
IT MAKES ME CRY, WHERE AM I?
(Arthur sits down on his bag. A car
engine is heard approaching, then the
car's headlights appear through the fog.)
ARTHUR
At last, someone.
(Stevens in formal butler attire, but
with a chauffeur's cap, enters.)

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STEVENS
Excuse me, sir, might I inquire if you are
Jack Hearst's Los Angeles friend?
ARTHUR
(He uses his nasal
Dagwood voice.)
Huh?
STEVENS
Arthur Lake
ARTHUR
Guilty as charged
I'm sorry.

STEVENS
I don't know your movie work.

ARTHUR
Did you see "Topper" starring Cary Grant?
STEVENS
Were you in that? Mr. Hearst showed it at
the ranch a few months ago when Mr. Grant
visited us. What part did you play?
ARTHUR
Just an extra nobody. I was the elevator
operator in one scene. They had to do nine
takes because of me.
ARTHUR
MY LIFE AT TIMES AMAZES ME
CAN I EVER DO THINGS RIGHT?
WHENEVER I EXPECT ONE THING
IT TURNS OUT TO BE A FRIGHT.
WHERE AM I?
YOU KNOW,
I THOUGHT I FELL IN LOVE WITH MAISIE
AT A CASTING CALL.
BUT WHEN SHE TOOK HER MAKEUP OFF
SHE HAD NO FACE AT ALL.
I WAS HANDING HER SOME COFFEE

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BUT I KNOCKED IT OFF THE SHELF

NOT ONLY DID I SPILL IT
BUT I SPILLED IT ON MYSELF.
"SCHLEMAZEL OR SCHLEMIEL?" THEY ASK ME.
MY ROOMMATES CAN'T DECIDE.
I'M SO GLAD THAT I IMPRESS THEM
THAT IT DOESN'T HURT MY PRIDE.
BUT WHO AM I?
I'M A CART WITHOUT A HORSE,
I AM BLIND WITHOUT A DOG,
BUT SOMEHOW I MUST MAKE MY WAY
TO A RANCH SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, TODAY.
STEVENS
(modifying his stiff
British butler accent
to a Jamaican or
Cockney one depending
on the casting)
What a relief. I'm a nobody too--in service
to a queen who reigns in mighty Xanadu.
ARTHUR
Xanadu? I thought you said it was a ranch.
Jack invited me to ride horses with him.
STEVENS
Prepare yourself...
MUSIC: 2. "IT'S A MONUMENTAL PALACE"
IT'S MORE THAN JUST A RANCH, MY FRIEND
IT'S TO A REALM THAT WELL ASCEND.
AT THE SUMMIT OF THE HILL THERRE TWO:
A KING AND QUEEN
WHO POPULATE THEIR XANADU
WITH LEADING LUMINARIES FROM THE SCREEN
AT A MONUMENTAL PALACE,
AN AURORA BOREALIS.
THE PLACE THAT YOUVE BEEN SENT
IS A PRIVATE CIRCUS TENT!

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STEVENS
(speaking)
But pay heed:
(singing)
CLOWNS DO ABOUND THERE--IT'S A FACT.
THEYLL GET YOU IN THEIR ACT.
INHIBITIONS THERE ARE FEW.
JUST DONT LET THE ANTICS GET TO YOU
AND
AND
WHO
YOU
AND

SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO,

SMARTLY PLAY YOUR PART.
KNOWS? WHO KNOWS?
MIGHT BECOME A SOMEBODY
GET A BRAND NEW START..

YOU KNOW, THOSE STARS FROM FEATURES,

ARE TEMPERAMENTAL CREATURES
TO KEEP THEM FROM DISASTER
I ACT AS THEIR RINGMASTER.
AT A MONUMENTAL PALACE,
AN AURORA BOREALIS.
THE PLACE THAT YOUVE BEEN SENT
IS A PRIVATE CIRCUS TENT!
STEVENS
I've seen fabulous dreams come true up there.
. . What is your dream, Mr. Lake?
ARTHUR
To see my name just once in the movie
credits.
STEVENS
I asked you, What's your dream? not some
idle wish.
ARTHUR
(thinking for a
minute)
Ok, ok, I've got it. To be the star of my
own nationally broadcast radio show.
STEVENS
With that voice of yours that's some

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fantastic dream. But that's what I'm talking

about. You gotta dream it to be it. I grew
up in a shack about the size of that car back
there, but when I was ten I saw a tramp
eating his shoe . . in my very first movie.
And now I serve Mr. Chaplin tea every day in
that castle in the sky.

STEVENS
(handing Arthur a
1930's football
helmet)
Now put this on and get in the car.
in for a very bumpy ride.

You're

(Stevens picks up Arthur's carpet bag

and heads back toward the car.)
ARTHUR
(putting on the
helmet and knocking
his fist against it)
Boy o boy. Put me in the game, coach.
(He runs smack into the corner of the
station and quickly gets back on his
feet to catch up with the butler as if
nothing had happened.)
BLACKOUT

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ACT I,

SCENE 2
SETTING The scene opens on
the scrim-projected sunny
courtyard at San Simeon with
the stage floor extending
the brick work pattern out
to the front of the stage.
Charlie Chaplin enters
dressed in formal tennis
whites carrying four
badminton rackets and a
basket containing many
shuttlecocks and a hat. He
has age-appropriate white
hair but is wearing his black
signature mustache. He then
takes out of the basket the
hat prop that he will use in
the film "The Great Dictator"
and as he puts it on
transforms his persona into
that Hitler character.
He begins to improvise a
pantomime scene of a
Hitleresque badminton game to
accompanying music and
actually hits real
shuttlecocks out into the
audience with one then two
then three then four rackets
all at once. While Chaplin
is doing this, Clark Gable
quietly enters from far stage
left behind him wearing a
plaid hunting outfit carrying
a shotgun and two dead ducks.
Gable watches Chaplin for a
few seconds, but when Chaplin
hits one of the shuttlecocks
particularly high Gable lifts
up his shotgun and shoots at

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it over the heads of the

audience. The gun explosion
makes Chaplin hit the ground.
CHAPLIN
What the hell! (turning to see who it was) It
better not have awakened the Chief, old boy,
or he'll skin your hide. Marion doesn't know
that we're here yet!
GABLE
I couldn't resist getting one over on you.
CHAPLIN
Any word about Gone with the Wind?
GABLE
The last I heard they were leaning toward
Flynn.
CHAPLIN
You know he's here this weekend with Bette.
GABLE
That's a good sign that he's still as out of
work as the rest of us.
(Errol Flynn enters from far
stage-right dripping wet and
shivering in his thirties bathing
suit while Bette Davis enters from
the stage-left wings wearing
slippers and a revealing negligee
dressing gown carrying a prop
beard.)
FLYNN
Does anyone know where Stevens is?
no towels in the changing rooms.

There are

BETTE
I'm looking for Stevens as well. Does anyone
know where he keeps the beards? This one
doesn't seem to fit right.
CHAPLIN
Flynn, you ought to know where Stevens keeps

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the beards.
FLYNN
Do you know who you look like in that hat?
CHAPLIN
(coquettishly)
Greta Garbo?
FLYNN
No, Adolph Hitler.
CHAPLIN
Really? I was going for Greta before her
morning shave.
FLYNN
It's not a very good idea to make fun of
Hitler right now. Jack Warner told me
Germany made up almost twenty percent of my
Robin Hood box office.
CHAPLIN
(giving a quick Nazi
salute)
The mighty dollar uber alles, mein herr.
(Patricia Van Cleve enters in a
stunning bathing suit with one
towel around her own shoulders and
the other she offers to Flynn.)
PATRICIA
I found these in my room, Mr. Flynn.
BETTE
(changing the drift
of the conversation)
Clark, any word from Cukor?
GABLE
Nothing. I think he hates me.

You?

BETTE
The same. It looks as if we've all been cast
out into the San Simeon sun.

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MUSIC: 3.

"CAST IN THE SUN"

ENSEMBLE
CAST IN THE SUN
WE'RE HAVING FUN
AWAY FROM GLARING STARES
AWAY FROM NOISOME AIRS
OF HOLLYWOOD.
WERE ALL FAMOUS NAMES
WE'RE PLAYING OUR GAMES.
WE LIKE TO FEEL
OUR LIFE IS MORE SURREAL
THAN EVEN DALI COULD.
AT CASTLE HAPPY, WE PLAY AWAY
CHAPLIN
TENNIS!
GABLE
SHUFFLEBOARD!
FLYNN
AT CASTLE HAPPY,
IVE BEEN COUNTING THE LIPS IVE SCORED
ENSEMBLE
WE ARE GLAD WERE FAR FROM THE NOSY HORDE
AT CASTLE HAPPY IN THE SUN!
CAST IN THE SUN
WE'RE HAVING FUN
AWAY FROM GLARING STARES
AWAY FROM NOISOME AIRS
OF HOLLYWOOD.
WERE ALL FAMOUS NAMES
WE'RE PLAYING OUR GAMES.
WE LKE TO FEEL
OUR LIFE IS MORE SURREAL
THAN EVEN DALI COULD.
WE PRETEND TO BE ABOVE IT ALL

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CHAPLIN
SPOTLIGHTS!
GABLE
AUTOGRAPHS!
ENSEMBLE
TO RELAX IN LUXURY THIS CALIFORNIA FALL.
BETTE
BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT IS BETTER PARTS
THAN ALL MY COMPETITORS
FLYNN
COMPETITORS!
CHAPLIN
COMPETITORS!
PATRICIA
COMPETITORS!
BETTE
COMPETITORS!
ENSEMBLE
COMPETITORS IN HOLLYWOOD!
CHAPLIN
Achtung, mein kinders! We must assemble in
my bungalow to prepare for our surprise
command performance for Marion!
(Chaplin starts to lead them off.
Flynn at first tries to head off with
Patricia, but Bette catches him.)
LIGHTS FADE OUT

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ACT I, SCENE 3

SETTING At the end of the

previous scene the scrim is
raised revealing the two
tiered main stage set -on
the lower tier is a tableau of
Hearst's great hall with its
massive fireplace reminiscent
of the one in "Citizen Kane."
On the upper tier are the
rooms of Errol Flynn and
Patricia Van Cleve.
Backstage lower right is an
entrance leading to the
Hearst's private elevator for
Marion's and W. R.'s entrances
and exits. Rear stage center
is a large staircase leading
to those upper tier rooms.
There is a special area on the
lower tier for W. R.'s phone
and a small projection booth
which will project above the
fireplace where a large
tapestry is flipped around to
reveal a movie screen. Also
prominent are a half finished
jig-saw puzzle, an expensive
looking late-1930's radio,
record player and an enormous
wooden crate with the words
"Costumes for W. R. Hearst"
stenciled on the side along
with "Cosmopolitan Pictures."
Marion first tries on a
football player shoulder pads
and jersey with "Yale" on it
then switches to trying to
get into her hoop-framed,

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Scarlett O'Hara dress which

she is taking out piece by
piece from the enormous crate.
W. R., dressed in a very
elegant robe, is talking
earnestly on a silver plated
phone rear stage right.
MARION
W. R., do you know when Stevens will be
returning from the station? I desperately
need his help.
W. R.
Une moment, ma cherie
then I'm all yours.
(Marion rather comically tries to get
into the dress herself a la Lucille
Ball and does other comic business with
the costumes in the trunk similar to
what she does in the clip that will
shortly follow from "The Patsy.")
W. R.
(returning to the
phone)
That's right. I want all the editorials to
ring out the alarm loudly and clearly. We
cannot get sucked into another civilizationdestroying war. Poland as a separate country
didn't even exist twenty years ago for
Christsakes. The fate of the Jewish people is
an entirely different matter. Charlie has
convinced me that if Roosevelt turns his
back, it is the Hearst Corporation's moral
obligation to rescue them ourselves. I'll
buy a whole damn fleet of ships if that's
what it takes. That's all for now, Harry.
Call me back if the editors give you any
guff.
Yes, yes, I know about the creditors. Talk
to me tomorrow. Halloween seems an ideal
occasion for that. (hanging up the phone.)

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W. R.
And now, my darling, what did you ask?

MARION
When will Stevens be back?
W. R.
I hadn't known that he wasn't here. When he
returns, will you send him up? I need to
speak with him.
(As Hearst exits through the doorway to
his private elevator, Stevens enters
through the main entrance from the far
right wings.)
STEVENS
(in his formal
English butler voice)
Sorry, Madam, the fog was beastly.
(As he hangs his chauffeur's hat by the
door, there is a knock on the door.
Stevens spins around and opens it.
Arthur appears, still wearing the
football helmet.)
ARTHUR
Excuse me, Mr. Butler, was that up the hill
to the right, or down the hill to the left?
(Arthur tries to enter the room but is
blocked by the butler as if it were a
football game. Arthur sees Marion and
removes his helmet out of respect.)
MARION
(in her Southern
accent)
Stevens, that is very ungallant of you.
Please let our guest pass.
(to Arthur)
I'm so so grieved, my good sir, We haven't
had the pleasure of a proper introduction. I

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am Miss Scarlett O'Hara. Welcome to Tara!

ARTHUR
I'm really confused now. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. I
thought I was being taken to San Simeon.

MARION
(dropping the accent)
You know, "Gone with the Wind"?

ARTHUR
Ahi,

Ahi, Ahi.

MARION
The book? (holding up the book*) Never
mind. You must be Jack's friend. I'm his
father's mistress, Marion Davies.
ARTHUR
It's an honor to make your acquaintance, Miss
Davies. I'm Arthur Lake.
MARION
Arthur Lake, what a wonderful name. Any
relation to that new girl, Veronica Lake?
ARTHUR
That's not my real name.
MARION
Come to think of it, it's not Veronica's
either. Neither is mine. Neither is Stevens'.
Whoever you are . . .
MUSIC: 4. "WELCOME TO OUR QUEER LITTLE WORLD"
WELCOME TO OUR QUEER LITTLE WORLD
WELCOME TO OUR SAFE, VERY DEAR LITTLE WORLD.
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE
TO BE WHOEVER YOU ARE.
YOU ARE FREE HERE

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TO BE THE FOOL OR THE CZAR.

JUST PAY HEED TO W. R.
IF HE CALLS FOR YOU
JUST LEND HIM AN EAR
IF IT'S DANCING ALL NIGHT
OR SIMPLY BEING POLITE
YOU CAN HELP US MAKE OUR CASTLE HAPPY HERE.
THINGS CAN BE HERE A BIT ON THE STRANGE SIDE
AND YOU'LL FIND VERY FEW WISHES DENIED.
YOU CAN DIVE IN OUR POOL,
FIND A WRANGLER WHO'LL
TAKE YOU OUT FOR A SEA-CLIFF RIDE.
JUST DO A KIND FAVOR FOR W. R.
IF HE ASKS JUST
HIKE, NAP OR SWIM WITH HIM.
OTHER THAN THAT, WHOEVER YOU ARE,
WHILE HERE, YOU CAN BE YOU.
MARION
Stevens, would you escort Mr. Lake to the
stables?
STEVENS
Yes, madam. Whatever madam wishes.
(Arthur still with the helmet in one
hand and his bag in the other exits with
Stevens.)
BLACKOUT

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ACT I, SCENE 4
SETTING Same as the previous
scene but later in the
morning.
As the lights come up, Marion
is dressed in a wonderful,
late thirties outfit, sitting
on the enormous sofa facing
the audience. Her back is to
the elevator doorway. Her
face is hidden by a Photoplay
Magazine with Errol Flynn's
picture on the cover.
Prominent headlines "FLYNN IS
IN."
W. R. enters the room from
the elevator doorway also
properly dressed for the day.
He quietly comes up behind
her and starts rubbing a spot
on her head. She lowers the
magazine, closes her eyes,
begins purring then smiling
which broadens to reveal that
she has blackened out her
front teeth. Then she turns
to look up at W. R. He laughs
and lifts her from the sofa
to give her a bear hug,

W. R.
I always love the way you look. That night in
Paris when you fell into the Seine in your
priceless gown. When we were lost on the
moors, or the sheer panic on your face when
the wind nearly blew you off Arthur's Seat
Hill in Edinburgh. I think I loved you the
best when I held your hair back in Venice
while you vomited into the canal. You were
adorable.

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MARION
(a little sarcastic)
What a truly romantic memory you have.
the the sweetest man.

You

W. R.
Don't you know what you mean to me?
MARION
Show me again what you see when you see me.
(W. R., goes into the small projection
booth and runs a clip
https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=Ff4X4E1JdSE from The Patsy.)
MARION
I was pretty good, wasn't I?
W. R.
(from the projection
booth)
You still are. Are you ready for your
Halloween present? (pausing then yelling)
Stevens, that's your cue!
MUSIC: 5 "WE ONLY HAVE THOUGHTS OF YOU"
(This is sung by the tuxedoed and
party-masked Stevens as a Dick-Powelltype crooner from a small platform, upstage, center. The opening four lines
are meant to be like a singing telegram
to Marion from W. R., but they're still
a bit ambiguous about who they might be
coming from.)
STEVENS
I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR CHARMS, DEAR MARION.
YOU EN-TRANCE AND THRILL ME WITH YOUR REGARD,
IT'S SUCH A JOY TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS,
AND WATCH YOU IN MOVIES WHERE YOU'VE STARRED.
(Stevens comes down from the platform

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and dances very elegantly with Marion to

the orchestrated portion of this song.
He twirls her back into her seat.)
As he starts to dance, house guests
Gable, Bette, Chaplin, Flynn, Arthur,
and Patricia in gowns and face-cards of
Marion enter through the makeshift
curtain and burlesque the big
production number at the end of Busby
Berkeley's movie "Dames." Arthur tries
to keep up but is clearly a fish out of
water. The Ensemble picks up the
singing:)
BETTE
WE ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR CHARMS, DEAR MARION.
ENSEMBLE
YOU ENTRANCE AND THRILL US WITH YOUR REGARD, DEAR.
IT'S SUCH A JOY TO BE AROUND YOU,
AND WATCH YOU SHINE IN MOVIES WHERE YOU'VE STARRED.
IT IS COLD OUT TONIGHT
IT WILL SOON BE A HALLOWEEN FRIGHT,
BUT WE ONLY HAVE THOUGHTS OF YOU, DEAR MARION.
IN THE SUN DURING THE DAY,
WE COULD DRIVE DOWN AND SEE MORRO BAY,
BUT WE ONLY HAVE THOUGHTS OF YOU,
DEAR MARION.
WE MAY BE HIGH ON FANCY COCKTAILS
AND STUMBLE DOWN TO SEE YOUR ZOO,
BUT WHENEVER WE BLINK,
WHENEVER WE LIFT UP A DRINK,
WE ONLY HAVE THOUGHTS OF YOU,
DEAR MARION, MARION, MARION!
(The chorus-line flips the Marion facecard and on the reverse side is a
picture of Chaplin's over-sized shoes.
Chaplin takes over and sings the parody
of the above song.)

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CHAPLIN
IT IS WARM IN HERE TONIGHT WE ARE DANCING
WITH DELIGHT AND WE ONLY HAVE FEET FOR YOU,
MARION.
Tap dancing.
YOU'RE SO GIFTED WITH GRACE
THAT YOUR RHYTHM SETS OUR PACE
WE ONLY HAVE FEET FOR YOU, DEAR.
Tap dancing.
I MAY BE KNOWN FOR SILLY TRAMPING
AND CHASING BY THE KEYSTONE KOPS,
BUT WHENEVER I TROT
IN THE BALLROOM THAT'S BUILT ON THIS SPOT I
ONLY HAVE FEET FOR YOU, MARION!
YOU'RE THE TOPS!
Tap dancing, ending with
a flourish.
CHAPLIN
(looking to the
projection booth)
How was that, W. R.?
W. R.
(coming out from the
projection booth)
Charlie, almost perfect. Happy Halloween,
1938, Marion, from all of us.
MARION
You really surprised me this time. I didn't
expect anyone to arrive until tomorrow.
Welcome to our little retreat, Bette and
Charlie and dear Clark, Errol. And my
darling Patricia. Oh. Who is that in the
back? Everyone, let me introduce you to
Jack's friend, Arthur Lake.

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ARTHUR
(in a nervous voice)
Hello, famous people.
W. R.
Arthur, is it? My advice to you is hire a
new dance instructor.

(W. R. exits towards the elevator.

Arthur begins to exit with Chaplin.)
ARTHUR
I made a fool of myself, didn't I?
CHAPLIN
Buck up, old chap.
(forcing Arthur's
lips into a smile)
Put a smile on your face and prepare yourself
for the happiest day of your life.
(The rest of the ensemble exits center
stage either left or right, with the
exception of Flynn, Patricia, Marion and
Gable.)
FLYNN
(to Patricia)
You cheated. It turns out that you're a real
showgirl, aren't you, lovely lady long legs?
PATRICIA
I'm just Marion's niece. I'm not very
interesting.
FLYNN
Who's fault is that, my dear?
(Bette pulls on Flynn's arm.)
(to Patricia) Excuse me, a goddess beckons.
(They head up the stairs. Errol and
Bette in one direction, Patricia in the

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other. Marion grabs Clark's arm. He

is still in the white chlorine's gown
with blonde wig from the opening
number. He is holding his Marion
Davies' photo mask.)
MARION
If you were a real woman, Mr. Gable, would
you prefer being a wife or a mistress?
GABLE
Now there's a question I've never been asked
before.
(looking at his
Marion Davies mask)
Let's see.
MUSIC: 6 "IS IT BETTER TO BE A MISTRESS OR A WIFE?"
GABLE
IT WOULD BE GREAT RELIEF TO BE A RICH MAN'S WIFE.
RESPONSIBILITIES ARE FEW AND THERE'S LESS STRIFE,
EVEN THOUGH MOST HUSBANDS
HARDLY FIT YOU TO A TEE,
EVEN THOUGH YOU'D PROBABLY GET
AN ASS LIKE ME.
HE'D KEEP YOU
NICE AND WARM AND PROTECT YOU HIS LILY OF THE NILE.
HE'D EVEN LOVE YOU,
FOR A WHILE, THEN NEGLECT YOU,
WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF STYLE.
YET, ALL IN ALL, IT SEEMS TO ME
IT'S THE WIFE'S WAY
THAT IS THE WAY TO BE.
MARION
Clark, I won't let any man put me in a box
like that!
GABLE
WELL IF YOU HATE TO FEEL CONFINED, THE MISTRESS WAY
MAY BE THE BETTER CARD, I THINK, TO PUT IN PLAY.
EVEN THOUGH YOUR LOVER

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FROM A DISTANCE NAVIGATES HIS SECOND LIFE.

EVEN THOUGH YOU'LL FACE THE PAINS
INFLICTED BY HIS WIFE.
HE'LL SEEK YOU BE ON FIRE TO ACQUIRE YOU.
BUT YOU'RE NEVER QUITE ATTAINED.
HE'LL WANT YOU.
TO HIS FRIENDS HE WILL FLAUNT YOU.
BUT YOU'LL NEVER BE CONTAINED.
SO IF I WANTED TO BE WANTED,
ALWAYS TO BE WANTED AND BE FREE,
I'D TAKE THE DANGEROUS WAY,
I'D TAKE THE RAPTUROUS WAY,
I'D CHOOSE THE MISTRESS' WAY FOR ME.
MARION
(kissing his cheek)
So correct and perceptive as always, my
lovely man. You look swell with that
mustache, by the way. What's that about?
GABLE
It looks rather Rhett Butler, don't you
think?
MARION
Yes, but you'd better get out of that dress
or they'll cast you as Scarlett's big-boned
sister instead!

BLACKOUT

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ACT I, SCENE 5
SETTING The scene
shifts ostensibly to
the second floor
bedrooms of Patricia
Van Cleve and Errol
Flynn. Patricia is
changing out of the
opening number white
gown into her bathrobe.
There is a pink bow in
her hair. There are
also large movie
posters of Flynn in
Robin Hood and Captain
Blood on her wall and a
signed b/w publicity
glossy of Flynn on her
makeup stand which she
picks up and addresses
as the scene opens.
PATRICIA
(starting out like a 30's song introduction)
WHAT'S A GIRL GOT TO DO
TO SHOW HOW MUCH
SHE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU?
I'D BE HAPPY JUST TO WALK BY YOUR SIDE
WHETHER A SHADOW OR A BRIDE
BECAUSE I WASN'T ALIVE UNTIL I FOUND YOU.
(posing in the full
length mirror)
I can see why he treats me like a little
girl, but I'm not. (stamping her foot and
ripping the bow from her hair)
I'm not. I'm not that. Or if I am (holding
her breasts through her robe) I'm cursed with
so many yearnings that I'm about to burst.
I need help.

Dunn 27 Freed

Auntie Marion is too old, and Miss Davis

soars so high. Why should she care what
happens to an earthworm?
But maybe he would take pity on me.
(She takes out her fancy
stationery and pen.)
PATRICIA
"Dear Mr. Flynn"
(She crumbles up the
page, throws it on the
floor and starts on
another sheet.)
"My dearest Errol..." That's much better.
"I'm writing this letter to seek..." no
"solicit" sounds more mature.(tearing up this
sheet, starting again.)
"My dearest Errol, I'm writing this letter to
solicit your advice about a matter of grave
importance to me. I need your help
deciphering the feelings I have every time I
see you smile - or frown or yell or sulk or
speak or say nothing at all. At these moments
I'm about to pass out because I forget to
breathe. Would you take mercy..." Or is it
better?... "Take pity on my plight and come
to my room tonight . . . to let me drown in
your arms. By the way it's at the end of the
second floor, left wing corridor. Sincerely
yours, Patricia Van Cleve, Marion's niece."
(She rings for Stevens
and carefully folds the
letter and puts it into
an envelope seductively licking the
flap. Next she sprays
some of her perfume in

Dunn 28 Freed

the air and passes the

envelope through it.)
STEVENS
Yes, miss?
(He enters carrying a
large mail pouch and a
few loose letters.)
PATRICIA
Stevens, would you kindly deliver this note
to Mr. Errol Flynn personally? (handing him
the letter)
STEVENS
I was just on my way to take him his mail.
PATRICIA
(As he tries to put it in the pouch she
snatches it back.)
Never mind. This is a matter of such urgency
that I shall deliver it myself.
STEVENS
Whatever the young mistress wishes.
(Stevens exits. Patricia
puts the letter in the
drawer of the vanity and
again picks up the frame
with Flynn's publicity
head shot and sings to
it.)
MUSIC: 7 "I WASN'T ALIVE UNTIL I FOUND YOU"
PATRICIA
I WASN'T ALIVE
UNTIL I FOUND YOU.
NO LIGHT IN MY EYES,
NO SONGS IN THE SKIES
NO SENSE OF SURPRISE
UNTIL I FOUND YOU.

Dunn 29 Freed

WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART I KNOW

AS I BASK IN YOUR AFTERGLOW
THAT I CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU.
WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART, I KNOW
I'M AWASH IN YOUR UNDERTOW,
AND I CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE.
I WASN'T ALIVE
UNTIL I FOUND YOU.
NO WARMTH IN MY ARMS,
EXPOSED TO ALL HARMS,
IMMUNE TO ALL CHARMS
UNTIL I FOUND YOU.
WITH EVERY BEAT IN MY HEART I PRAY
THAT MY LIFE WILL BE SWEPT AWAY
AND WILL BE ALL ABOUT YOU.
YOU MAKE THE VERY AIR I BREATHE ARRIVE.
THANKS TO YOU I'M NOW AT LAST ALIVE.
I CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU,
WITHOUT YOU, WITHOUT YOUR LOVE.
BLACKOUT

Dunn 30 Freed

ACT I, SCENE 6
SETTING Stevens goes
to Errol's room to
deliver the large pouch
of fan mail and the
couple of letters for
Bette when Arthur
crashes into him from
out of nowhere, sending
the letters flying as
in the stock opening of
the Blondie movies.
Stevens does some comic
business with Arthur as
they both try to pick
up the letters leaving
a few on the floor.
Arthur exits and
Stevens knocks on the
door.
Flynn gets up
from the bed to answer
it while Bette hides
under the covers.
STEVENS
The morning mail, sir. (handing him the pouch
and looking over his shoulder). And if you
see Miss Davis would you deliver these for
me?(whispering) I shall be re-supplying the
pool in about half an hour.
(Stevens exits. Flynn
tosses the mail pouch on
the floor and flips
through Bette's
letters.)
FLYNN
This one looks particularly nasty. I've
always wanted to ask you, why is Betty
spelled so oddly?

Dunn 31 Freed

BETTE
I took it from "Ma Cousine Bette"
(pronouncing it Bet) by Balzac.
Ball Sack.

FLYNN
You must be having me on.

BETTE
You really are quite ignorant, aren't you,
darling. But oh so beautiful. From the tip of
your nose to the bottom of your bottom.
(rubbing his butt) Perfection. The other day
my dresser asked me about a rumor about you,
that I am just dying to confirm.
FLYNN
Girls or boys?
BETTE
Squarely in the boyish category.
FLYNN
This coyness is not like you.

Out with it.

BETTE
Does Cukor ring a bell?
FLYNN
I can swear on a bible ...
(He searches around the
room for a bible, but can
only find a number of
Photoplay magazines.)
FLYNN
Ok then on these Photoplays, that I have
never had sex with that man. What did you
hear?
BETTE
That when you met with George in his office
to arrange for your Rhett Butler screen-test
that you lowered you pants and offered

Dunn 32 Freed

him. .. What did she say? ... "your big red

lollipop." And he was so unimpressed that he
waved you out and canceled the test.
FLYNN
That certainly doesn't qualify as having sex,
does it? And as you may have noticed my
current interests are clearly in the girlish
direction.
BETTE
Are you really that suicidal? She's barely
seventeen and Marion's adored niece... Hearst
will have your hide if he finds out.
FLYNN
Delicious challenge, don't you think?
BETTE
I think you're quite possibly the most
despicable man alive.
FLYNN
Other than your current husband, you mean.
What does your solicitor have to say?
BETTE
(reading letter from
her lawyer)
I thought all divorce lawyers were sharks.
This guy's barely a minnow.
FLYNN
I warned you that you needed your own Jew.
BETTE
Learn this important life lesson from me,
Errol. There is nothing harder to recover
from than a bad marriage.
FLYNN
Not psoriasis in a close-up?
BETTE
That's preposterous.

Dunn 33 Freed

FLYNN
Not a toothache.
BETTE
Give me a break.
FLYNN
Now I'll be serious. What about a fractured
hip?
BETTE
Very bad indeed but hardly disastrous. A
stroke is a good candidate. That's worthy of
debate. But it is much more recoverable than
a man whos a reprobate.
FLYNN
What about a heart attack?

BETTE
A relief only if it's fatal.
most grateful.

Today I'd be

FLYNN
Cancer could be hard to compare.
BETTE
You might have me there. I'll concede
recovering from a bad marriage may be as hard
as recovering from cancer with often similar
results.
FLYNN
How do you mean?
BETTE
Look at all the hair I've lost since you last
saw me. I look more like a haggard old queen
than a Hollywood star at her zenith.
FLYNN
Can you imagine ever being married again?

Dunn 34 Freed

BETTE
If I found a man who had fifteen million
dollars, would sign half of it over to me
before we're married and guarantee to be dead
within the year, then I'd consider it. Go off
and enjoy your petite eclair, but don't let
W. R. or Marion catch you.
FLYNN
Have some sympathy. You know I need girls
like thirsty people need water.
BETTE
And I need men like you like I need another
bullet hole in my head. Come here.
(She kisses him
dramatically as if on the
screen.)
FLYNN
(pulling away) I must leave you, fair Venus,
and return to more earthly pursuits. (putting
on his swimming suit and robe). But first I
need to get in some strokes in the pool.

BETTE
The game of hearts can have dire
consequences, my friend.
(Flynn exits the room
but immediately notices
some dropped fan letters
in the hall. He sits on
a chair across from a
very ornately framed
mirror to read them.)

Venus!

BETTE
(tossing the lawyer's
letter in the trash)
Schmeenus!
MUSIC: 8 "A GODDESS AND A GOD"

Dunn 35 Freed

BETTE
IT'S HELL TO BE A GODDESS.
YOU'D THINK IT WOULD BE SWELL,
BUT IT'S HELL. DAMN!
IT'S HARD TO BE A GODDESS.
ADULATION SUITS ME WELL,
YET IT'S HELL, HELL, HELL, HELL, HELL!
EVERY MAN DESIRES ONE THING OF ME
AND IT IS SUCH A CURSE.
INSTEAD OF PUTTING HANDS ON ME,
THEY STICK 'EM IN MY PURSE!
I SMELL OF CHANEL
BUT SLEEP ALL ALONE.
IN MY FANCY CHATEAU,
I'M BORED TO THE BONE.
I'M QUEEN OF THE MAY,
BUT PUT ON DISPLAY
IN SOME TAWDRY TABLEAU
THAT WON'T GO AWAY.
DAMN!
IT'S HARD TO BE A GODDESS.
ALL THE BOTHER MAKES ME YELL,
YES IT'S HELL, HELL, HELL, HELL, HELL!
YOU MIGHT THINK I'M RIDING HIGH
IN SPLENDID SITUATIONS,
BUT USUALLY THE CRUDE CHARADE
DRIVES ME TO STRANGULATIONS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN A BASTARD LIKE FLYNN
HAS HIS WAY WITH A CHILD!
THAT GETS UNDER MY SKIN!
THAT AUSSIE WITH AIRS
WILL PAY FOR HIS PRIDE!
I WILL THINK OF A WAY
TO TRIP UP HIS STRIDE!
(Flynn stands to admire himself in the
mirror.)
FLYNN
WHO IS THAT GOD I SEE BEFORE ME?

Dunn 36 Freed

OH, WHO IS SO FAIR AND RATHER DEBONAIR?

NO ONE BUT FLYNN!
WHO IS SO IRRESISTIBLE,
DASHING AND GOOD AT BEDDING MAIDENS WITH GIN?
FLYNN!
FLYNN
WHO IS THAT KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR?
WHO SEES A GIRL AND QUICKLY DISARMS HER?
NO ONE BUT FLYNN!
WHO SLAYS A DRAGON WITH A GRIN?
WHO CONQUERS CASTLES AND THE BEAUTIES WITHIN?
FLYNN!
BETTE
ITS HARD TO BE A GODDESS!
FLYNN
WHO IS SO IRRESISTIBLE,
DASHING AND GOOD AT BEDDING MAIDENS WITH GIN?
FLYNN!
BETTE
YOUD THINK IT WOULD BE SWELL, BUT ITS HELL
WITH LAWYERS AND MEN, AH!
FLYNN
I'M JUST SO IRRESISTIBLE,
I CAN ATTRACT WHOM I WANT AT WILL.
OH YES, LOVELY GIRLS, FANCY BOYS,
ALL SUCCUMB TO THE FAVORITE PLOYS
OF THE MAN WHO'S TOTALLY ELEGANT, STYLISH,
AND SIMPLY A KNOCKOUT!NO ONE CAN LOCK OUT
SOMEONE WHO'S SIMPLY STUNNING.
BETTE
CRUDE CHARADE!
FLYNN
ALL COME, RUNNING, TO THAT PERSON
WHOSE CUNNING NONE CAN OUTPACE.
WHO IS THAT PERSON THAT THEY CHASE?
WHY IT'S FLYNN!
BETTE
ITS HARD TO BE A GODDESS!

Dunn 37 Freed

FLYNN
WHO IS SO IRRESISTIBLE,
SO DASHING AT BEDDING MAIDENS WITH GIN?
FLYNN!
BETTE
YOUD THINK IT WOULD BE SWELL, BUT ITS HELL
WITH LAWYERS AND MEN
FLYNN
AND WHOM DO I SEE?
THE GOD THAT IS ME!
JUST WHOM DO I SEE?
THE GOD THAT IS ME!
THE GOD THAT IS ME!
IT'S ME! IT'S ME!IT'S ME!
IT'S ME! IT'S ME
BETTE
IT'S HELL TO BE A GODDESS!
FLYNN
ME!

BLACKOUT

Dunn 38 Freed

ACT 1, SCENE 7
SETTING W. R. and
Marion enter far stageleft, now changed into
their regular day
attire. W. R. wears a
casual but conservative
jacket, and Marion is
in a very stylish and
colorful mid-thirties
outfit. Gable meets
them coming down the
stairs dressed in the
thirties style of long
pants tennis whites and
is heading for the
courts.
W. R.
Clark, can I speak with you for a moment?
GABLE
Sure, W. R., my time is always your time.
What can I do for you?
W. R.
Clark, I've noticed that you've been doing a
lot of radio lately, and well we're
negotiating with Warner Brothers to produce
another picture starring Marion and very
possibly you. And. . .
GABLE
But . . .
W. R.
Hear me out before you decide.
GABLE
Right, chief.
W. R.
(speaking rapidly)
I just obtained the option for a Bob Sloane

Dunn 39 Freed

play. I'm sure you've never heard of him.

But anyway there's a great part for Marion as
the owner of a dude ranch hiding out from her
mob boss ex-husband in Wyoming or some place
like that.
It turns out that she falls in love with this
Brooklyn crooner named Ely who along with his
band mates. . . . I think we can get the
Yacht Club Boys to play them . . . is flat
broke and stuck singing for their supper at
the ranch. Well this Hollywood agent, also
staying at the ranch hears them, loves them
and mistakes them for real live cowboys. He
wants to put them into a Hollywood Western.
But the joke is that Ely is absolutely
terrified of animals especially horses, and
they all have these heavy Brooklyn accents.
I came up with the perfect title.
it is.

Guess what

GABLE
I can't.
W. R.
"Cowboys from Brooklyn" What do you think?
Are you up for it?
GABLE
The terrified of horses part fits me, but
Stevens just gave me this telegram. (holding
up the telegram) Selznick wants me for Rhett
Butler.
He's projecting at least a year to
get it made. And they're after Vivian Leigh
for Scarlett.
W. R.
(shaking Gable's
hand)
Congratulations, my old friend, you'll be
great. (loud ringing of the phone) I've got
to get that.
(W. R.

exits.)

Dunn 40 Freed

MARION
Those congratulations go double for me ...
(She hugs Gable and holds
it a few extra seconds
until the blackout.)

BLACKOUT

Dunn 41 Freed

ACT I,

SCENE 8
SETTING While W. R. is
busy on the phone,
Marion puts a tango
record on [NOTE: Dunn's
Tango from Act II] and
begins practicing her
tango steps.
There is a knock on the
door. Marion tangos
over to it. Arthur
enters carrying a small
goat with a make-shift
bandage over its ears
and a rope around its
neck.

ARTHUR
Jack asked me to see if you wanted to call
the vet.
MARION
(still doing her
tango now with
Arthur)
You stay. Goat goes.
(Arthur leaves for a few
seconds ostensibly tying
the goat up outside then
returns.
Marion continues dancing
her tango with him
showing him the proper
positions as if she were
in a silent film.
Chaplin in his tennis
whites walks in carrying
his racket. He continues
the silent film routine
by tapping Arthur on the

Dunn 42 Freed

shoulder as if to cut
in. When Arthur offers
Marion to him, Chaplin
instead starts tangoing
with Arthur.)
W. R.
(sharply, but still
on the phone)
Marion, will you turn that thing off and get
them out of here?
(Marion turns off the
record player, scoots
them out the door, and
remains standing, sensing
something is very wrong.
After a few moments of
somewhat garbled
conversation, W. R. hangs
up, stares off into space
and clutches his chest.)
MARION
What is it, Willie?
W. R.
Really bad news. That was Harry. Apparently
our people can't work out any further
extension of the bankruptcy judgment without
immediate reception of two million dollars.
He says we have nowhere near that much cash
on hand. He also heard that the county
sheriff is on his way to start tagging items
for repossession. And he said that once that
news gets out, all our other loans will start
being called in. How can a two hundred
million dollar enterprise just collapse in an
afternoon for the want of a mere couple of
million? (picking up a Tiffany vase.) I can't
part with these things.
(There is knocking at the
outer door.)

Dunn 43 Freed

W. R.
Where's Stevens?
MARION
In the dining room setting up for tea. Stay
calm and just answer it. I'm going to make a
phone call.
(Marion goes to the silver
phone while W. R. heads
answers the door.)
ARTHUR
Mr. Hearst, I'm so sorry to interrupt again
but this man wanted me to help him find you.
(goat bleating heard off stage)
(The country sheriff is
wearing a Stetson hat
enters behind Arthur.
NOTE: The sheriff should
be played by the same
actor playing Gable.)
SHERIFF
Mr. Hearst, it is a vast honor to renew our
acquaintance, and you must know how much I
hate being the one to execute you with this
court order...(handing W. R. the court order,
but bowing at the same time.) but I have no
choice other than to serve you.
(W. R. takes the papers.)
W. R.
Sheriff, you're just doing your duty.
SHERIFF
The men are coming tomorrow.
what they are to take.

I need to tag

(He checks the many pages of

his list.)
ARTHUR
Can I help?

Dunn 44 Freed

SHERIFF
I guess. Could you pin these on the
tapestries? I'll take care of the furniture.
ARTHUR
Tap-a-whats?
SHERIFF
Those old rugs on the wall.
(The sheriff starts
marking the furniture.
Arthur has to stand on a
chair to reach the
tapestry and almost
falls off. Marion reenters.)
MARION
W. R., may I see those papers? And, Arthur,
what are you doing? Get down from there.
(Arthur gets down. She reads the papers) It
says here that the proceedings will cease
immediately upon receipt of a two million
dollar bond. Is that correct, sheriff?
SHERIFF
Yes, ma'm, it is.
MARION
(addressing W. R.)
Might I borrow a pen, my dear?
(Marion goes to the desk
removes her check book
from the drawer and
begins writing. )
MARION
Two, comma, zero, zero, zero, comma, zero,
zero, zero. (looking up to the sheriff) And
to whom should I make it payable?
(The sheriff checks the
court order. Marion
writes as he reads.)

Dunn 45 Freed

SHERIFF
The treasurer of the state of California.
MARION
(handing him the
check)
Done. (writing on another sheet of paper.)And
here's the name and phone exchange of my
banker in Los Angeles if you need to verify
the funds.
SHERIFF
I'm necessarily certain that won't be
necessary.
MARION
Now that this business is behind us would you
care to stay for tea?
SHERIFF
Yes, ma'am. My gratefullness will be most
appreciated.
MARION
Arthur, would you kindly escort our guest
into the dining room and inform Stevens that
the sheriff will be joining us? And get that
damn goat back to the barn.
(Arthur is torn back and
forth between taking the
sheriff to the dining
room and the goat to the
barn.)
MARION
Arthur, sheriff first; goat second.
I'm so sorry.
way.

ARTHUR
(to the sheriff) It's this

(Arthur and sheriff exit

stage-left then Arthur races
back across the stage to take

Dunn 46 Freed

care of the goat. More

bleating is heard.)

BLACKOUT

Dunn 47 Freed

ACT I, SCENE 9
SETTING Scene shifts to
Flynn's room as he is
changing out of his
swim suit and getting
into his tennis whites.
[NOTE: An opportunity
for a hard-body striptease.] Patricia
approaches the door
carrying her letter.
She knocks. Flynn opens
the door without his
shirt on.
PATRICIA
Excuse me, Mr. Flynn. I mean Errol.
(visibly shaking and looking down at the
envelope as if it were a cue card) I'm
deeply distressed about a matter of the
heart and since you are so experienced
in such matters I thought, I thought . .
. you could advise me.
(He takes her by the arm
and closes the door after
checking to see if anyone
were in the hall. He puts
his shirt on but doesn't
button it.)
FLYNN
Of course I will, my dear. It's the least I can do
to repay your aunt's hospitality. How can I help?
PATRICIA
I . . I . . I wrote it all down (thrusting the
letter at Flynn and looking him in the eyes for
the first time)
(They freeze-frame as
the lights dim in
Flynn's room.)

Dunn 48 Freed

ACT I, SCENE 10
SETTING Scene shifts
back to the great hall
where Marion and W. R.
are sitting together
quietly on the sofa for
a few moments.
W. R.
I had no idea.
MARION
Just thank your lucky stars that led you to
the ditsy blonde sitting beside you.
W. R.
Where did you . . .
MARION
You're the one who taught me, "If money can
solve it, it's not a problem." That's when
we took care of our lovely little problem
back in Paris those many sweet years ago. Do
you remember?
Let's see.

W. R.
It was snowing.
MARION

That's right.
(As Marion's and W.
R.'s nostalgic song "It
was snowing" develops in
the great room, Patricia
and Flynn are
concurrently heard in
Flynn's upstairs
bedroom, singing a far
more urgent
accompaniment.)
MUSIC: 9 "IT WAS SNOWING"

Dunn 49 Freed

MARION
IT WAS SNOWING
ON THAT EVENING
OUT OUR WINDOW
GLORIOUS SAILING CRYSTAL SNOW FLAKES
ON CHRISTMAS IN PARIS,
OUR LOVE ALL AGLOW.
W. R.
AND YOU NESTLED IN MY ARMS!
MARION
WARMED BY A FIRE AND VINTAGE BORDEAUX.
PATRICIA
LONDON!
TAKE ME WITH YOU TO LONDON!
LET'S SAIL AWAY,
WHERE I CAN BE YOUR MAID MARIAN!
TAKE ME!
FLYNN
YES YOU ARE, MARIAN!
LET GO!
FIND ANOTHER ROBIN HOOD TO SHOW YOU
HOW YOU CAN STRING HIS LONG BOW!
PATRICIA
I'M READY TO GO ANYWHERE
WHERE YOU MIGHT WANT ME TO FLY ON HIS ARROWS
TOGETHER!

Dunn 50 Freed

MARION
IT WAS SNOWING
ON THAT EVENING
OUT OUR WINDOW
GLORIOUS DANCING
CRYSTAL SNOW FLAKES
ON CHRISTMAS IN PARIS,
OUR LOVE ALL AGLOW.

HOLDING ME CLOSE
SO WARMED BY A FIRE AND VINTAGE BORDEAUX
PATRICIA
JAMAICA!
TAKE ME WITH YOU
TO JAMAICA.

TAKE ME!

MARION
AH, PARIS IN WINTER, PARIS!
PATRICIA
PLEASE TAKE ME,
PLEASE TAKE ME PLEASE

W. R.
AND YOU NESTLED IN MY ARMS SO CLOSE!
FIRE,
AND VINTAGE BORDEAUX.

WARMED BY A

AH PARIS, NO BETTER PLACE TO MAKE LOVE!

Dunn 51 Freed

FLYNN
YOU COULD BE ARABELLA,
BUT LEAVE ME.
LET SOMEONE ELSE DO PIRACY
MARION
AH, PARIS IN WINTER, PARIS!
PATRICIA/MARION/W.R.
THE TIME FOR US TO BE TOGETHER! TOGETHER! WHERE WE
COULD BE ALL ALONE AND TOUCH EACH OTHER, GLORIOUSLY
SAILING LIKE
PATRICIA
PIRATES
MARION/W.R.
SNOWFLAKES!
PATRICIA
JAMAICA!
FLYNN
ITS NOT THE TIME
TO BE TOGETHER
PLEASE GO NOW!
(SPEAKING)

FLYNN
PLEASE GO NOW!

MARION
Paris! That's it! We need to reunite Paris
with Patricia this Christmas as her present.
W. R.
Magnificent idea! Let's go tell her.
(As they get up from the
sofa Bette enters in her
tennis outfit.)

Dunn 52 Freed

MARION
Bette, do you happen to know where Patricia
is right now?

BETTE
I passed her upstairs a few minutes ago in
the hallway outside Flynn's room. Did you
see Clark?
MARION
He said he was going to the courts.
(Marion and W. R. exit
hurriedly up the central
stairs.)
BETTE
(smiling broadly)
(smiling broadly) Set and match to Davis.
BLACKOUT

Dunn 53 Freed

ACT I, SCENE 11
SETTING Scene shifts
back to Flynn's room.
FLYNN
(putting his tennis sweater on) You really
must be going. I'm late for my tennis date.
PATRICIA
How can you leave me so unsatisfied?
FLYNN
What satisfaction did you expect?
PATRICIA
Your promise to meet me tonight in my room.
Didn't you read that in the letter?
FLYNN
I won't do that to my hosts. . . . Surely not
under their roof.
PATRICA
I'm pleading with you. (raining kisses on him
leaving lipstick marks all over his face) You
must promise to be there.
FLYNN
(laughing and pushing her away) You have
quite an arsenal, but no means no, my dear
girl. Now out you get.
(He starts leading her
out, but she goes limp
and falls to the floor.)
FLYNN
(still laughing) I know you're faking.
(nudging her with his foot then leaning down
to listen to her breathing) Patricia, you
can't hold your breath forever. Now get up
and get out of here. (still no response).
(He picks her up and places

Dunn 54 Freed

her on his bed just as W. R.

and Marion burst in.)
W. R.
Flynn, what the hell are you doing?
FLYNN
Uh ... Uh ...(indicating his tennis outfit)
As you can see I was on my way to the courts
when I heard a cry for ... for help in the
hallway and found Patricia (looking down at
her) in this state. And . .
W. R.
And what?
FLYNN
And I was trying to revive her when you came
in.
W. R.
Marion, ring for Stevens. (pushing Flynn
aside) Get out of my way. (putting his ear
up to her mouth) She seems to be breathing
all right. She seems to be sound asleep.
FLYNN
I guess you've got things pretty much under
control.
(Flynn grabs his racket and tries
to back out of the room. He is
blocked by Stevens' entrance.)
STEVENS
You rang, sir?
MARION
This might help.
(She splashes water on
Patricia's face. Flynn
again attempts to leave,
but Stevens restrains him.
Patricia pretends to just
be waking up.)

Dunn 55 Freed

PATRICIA
Oh, where am I? Errol, my love, what are
they doing to you?
(Patricia gets out of the bed and
tries to free Flynn from Stevens'
grasp.)
FLYNN
Don't you remember fainting in the hall?
PATRICIA
Take your hands off of him. (turning to
Marion and
W. R.) You can't stop us! We love each other
madly.
W. R.
Patricia you're just seventeen. Do you know
what that means? And did he drug you as
well? He could go to prison for what he did
to you.
FLYNN
I really must protest . . .
PATRICIA
What I did to him you mean.
me.

I made him love

W. R.
Stevens, would you take Mr Flynn somewhere
downstairs and stay with him until I
determine whether we need to notify the
sheriff?
(Stevens and Flynn exit.)
W. R.
Young lady, don't you know who Flynn is?
He'll be gone in the morning, and you'll end
up hopelessly chasing a mirage.
PATRICIA
What do you two really care about me any more
than you do about your pampered dogs? I can

Dunn 56 Freed

take care of myself! I'll never give him up

for as long as I live!
W. R.
We're not going to give you that choice!
PATRICIA
Aunt Marion, who gave you that choice when
you were sixteen and this old man bought you?
Miss Davis told me the whole story!
W. R.
That was totally different. I had made a
lifetime commitment to your aunt.
PATRICIA
I guess it was somewhat inconvenient then
that you had previously made a lifetime
commitment to your other wife, in New York.
W. R.
Marion, you'll have to talk to her.
angry.

I'm too

MARION
So that you know where we stand, if you don't
get control of yourself, I can guarantee that
W. R. will have Flynn arrested immediately ..
. and his movie career will be over forever
when tomorrow's papers hit the streets.
PATRICIA
He planted the seed of love within me.
MARION
Listen! His professional life entirely hangs
on your decision.
PATRICIA
I will never give him up. . . . . . But don't
worry, I won't do anything as childish as
killing myself since without him I'm not
alive anymore anyway . . . . I know what I
will do. I'll go back to my mother in Europe

Dunn 57 Freed

and Errol can live with me there and there's

nothing that you two can do about it!
MUSIC: 10 "I WASN'T ALIVE" (REPRISE)

PATRICIA
I WASN'T ALIVE
UNTIL I FOUND HIM.
NO LIGHT IN MY EYES,
NO BLUE IN THE SKIES
NO SENSE OF SURPRISE
UNTIL I FOUND HIM.
FROM THE CONSTANT
BEATING OF MY HEART
I KNEW,
AS THAT RHYTHM
GREW AND GREW
THAT I WOULDN'T SURVIVE
WITHOUT HIM.
WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY
HEART I KNEW
AS THAT RHYTHM GREW AND
GREW
THAT I WOULDN'T SURVIVE,

W.R. / MARION
TELL ME WHY / I DON'T KNOW
WHY
SHE WON'T LISTEN./SHE WON'T
BEHAVE.

W.R. AND MARION

WHY CAN'T SHE SEE?
SHE'S YOUNG,
HIGH STRUNG.
SHE'S BEEN STUNG.

SURVIVE,
WITHOUT HIM.
FROM THE CONSTANT
BEATING OF MY HEART
I KNEW,
AS THAT RHYTHM
GREW AND GREW
THAT I WOULDN'T SURVIVE
WITHOUT HIM.

PLEASE LISTEN TO US
SHE'S YOUNG,
HIGH STRUNG.
SHE'S BEEN STUNG

Dunn 58 Freed

PATRICIA
I WASN'T ALIVE

W.R.
HOW CAN SHE DO THIS?

UNTIL I FOUND HIM.

MARION
HOW CAN SHE DO THIS?

NO WARMTH IN MY ARMS,
EXPOSED TO ALL HARMS,

W.R.
THAT FLYNN IS TROUBLE!

IMMUNE TO CHARMS UNTIL I

FOUND HIM.

MARION
FLYNN IS TROUBLE.
W.R.
GOT TO STOP THAT MAN.

WITH
EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART I
KNEW
AS THAT RHYTHM GREW AND
GREW

W.R. AND MARION

HOW?
HOW TO SAVE HER?

THAT I WOULDN'T SURVIVE,

HOW CAN WE STOP HIM?
HOW CAN WE SAVE HER?

SURVIVE,
WITHOUT HIS.WITHOUT HIS,
WITHOUT HIS LOVE.

WHAT WILL WE DO?

(Hold a freeze-frame)
BLACKOUT END OF ACT I INTERMISSION

Dunn 59 Freed

ACT II, SCENE 1

SETTING As the lights
come up, Marion is
sitting on the couch
drinking out of a tea cup
wearing the same dress
from the scene that ended
Act I. She is reading
the Sunday comics and
laughing. Stevens enters
and automatically takes
the flask from his inside
pocket and pours some
into Marion's cup. He
then goes to the record
player and changes
records now playing Pola
Negri's "Tango Notturno"
sung in German
https://www.youtube.com/w
atch?v=hYTO5DXrD-s ,
W. R. enters the room.)
MARION
(a bit intoxicated)
Did you know that Pola wrote that song for
Valentino on the first anniversary of his
death? What a god of a man he was.
W. R.
I spoke with Jack
about our little
problem, and he came
up with a rather
bizarre idea.
Jack has an idea?

MARION
What is it?

W. R.
Amazingly it requires the participation of
his clueless friend Arthur. The gist of it
is to marry off Patricia to him as soon as

Dunn 60 Freed

possible to camouflage an apparently

unstoppable affair with Flynn and any
embarrassing issue or issues that might
result there from.
MARION
There is a devil's logic to it, but I will
never permit Patricia to become his childmistress. That I will prevent at all costs.
But we might find an angle here that could
keep Patricia in our lives.

W. R.
That must happen at all costs.
MARION
It's funny. Earlier today I asked Clark if
he thought it was better to be a mistress or
a wife, and he got stuck on the fence. Maybe
the correct answer is that it's best to be
both a mistress and a wife, but it sure won't
be easy to persuade Patricia of that right
now!
W. R.
I don't know what we can offer Lake to entice
him to accept our proposition. Practically
everything left is either mortgaged or used
for collateral.
MARION
(going through the
stack of newspapers
on the table)
What about the comics?
W. R.
Comics?
MARION
(holding one up)
You know, ... the funnies in your Sunday
papers. Like Little Orphan Annie.

Dunn 61 Freed

W. R.
We do own the rights.
MARION_
He is a would-be actor after all, right? Why
don't we turn one of them into a movie and
offer the starring role to Arthur as a
wedding present?
W. R.
(closely examining
the comics)
He acts a lot like Dagwood Bumstead, doesn't
he?
MARION
Uncanny resemblance.
W. R.
Ok, let's go with that for the moment.
are you thinking?
MUSIC: 11.

"IT'S A FOUR-STEP PLAN"

MARION
I THINK WE HAVE FOUND A SOLUTION.
WE'LL WED PATRICIA TO A MAN
WITH A LESS RUINOUS REPUTATION.
IT'S A FOUR STEP PLAN.
W. R.
YOU'LL MAKE IT WORK?
MARION
I CAN.
IT TAKES A BIT OF PREP
BUT WE'LL DO IT STEP BY STEP.
W. R.
YES WE'LL DO IT STEP BY STEP!
MARION, W. R.
IT'S A FOUR STEP PLAN:

Dunn 62 Freed

What

MARION
NUMBER ONE,
GIVE BACK BETTE HER FAVORITE PET, ERROL.
NUMBER TWO,
GET ERROL TO BE LESS FERAL.
NUMBER THREE,
CONVINCE PATRICIA TO WAIT TO FORNICATE.
NUMBER FOUR,
FIND HER A MARRYING GUY TO BUY.
MARION, W. R.
IT'S A FOUR-STEP PLAN.
MARION
IT WON'T BE EASY TO KEEP FLYNN WITH BETTY-YOU'D HAVE TO SEND THEM TO TIBET!
AND TO KEEP HIM FROM PATRICIA,
YOU'D HAVE TO GUARD HER WITH A MILITIA!
BUT I THINK WE CAN WORK OUT A SOLUTION.
WE'LL WED HER TO SOME GUY
WITH LESS RUINOUS REPUTATION
WITH OUR FOUR-STEP PLAN!
W. R.
WE'LL MAKE IT WORK?
MARION
WE CAN.
IT'LL TAKE A BIT OF PREP.
BUT WE'LL DO IT STEP BY STEP.
MARION, W. R.
IT'S A FOUR-STEP PLAN!
MARION
NUMBER ONE,
GIVE BACK BETTE HER FAVORITE PET, ERROL.
NUMBER TWO,
GET ERROL TO BE LESS FERAL.
NUMBER THREE,
CONVINCE PATRICIA TO WAIT TO FORNICATE.
NUMBER FOUR,
FIND HER A MARRYING GUY TO BUY.

Dunn 63 Freed

MARION, W. R.
IT'S A FOUR-STEP PLAN!
MARION
I GUESS NOW WE KNOW WHAT TO DO:
MARION, W. R.
IT'S A FOUR-STEP PLAN!

BLACKOUT

Dunn 64 Freed

ACT II, SCENE 2

SETTING
The lights
come up on W. R. and
Marion sitting on the
couch. There is a
knocking on the outer
door. Stevens answers
it, and Arthur enters
wearing a dress as his
Pola Negri tango
costume but without the
make-up and wig that he
will have on when it is
actually performed
later in the act..
MARION
What in the world?
ARTHUR
I hate to bother you all again, but Charlie
wanted me to be his dance partner in the skit
later and wanted to rehearse. But he didn't
tell me where.
MARION
Try his room upstairs. Stevens, will you
show Mr. Lake the way?
STEVENS
Certainly, madam.
(Arthur and Stevens
exit.)
MARION
You know, Lake is the perfect patsy. Look at
you, W. R.! Sit down and let me at least fix
your hair.
(She reaches for a
silver hair brush and
comb set on the top of
one of the side tables

Dunn 65 Freed

and begins grooming

him.)
We need to talk some more about your son Jack
before we take on Patricia.
W. R.
What's he done now?
MARION
Do you know what he's growing behind the
barn? Apparently the llamas got into it and
Stevens saw some them rolling down the hill
this morning.
W. R.
I'm sorry I missed that.
MARION
Seriously, W. R., they could have been
severely injured. I know people who are
divorced are often too soft on their children
because of their guilty consciences,
and . . . .
W. R.
(interrupting)
That wouldn't apply in my case since I'm not
divorced, and I've never had a guilty
conscience. Is that what's really bothering
you?
MARION
I know that you can't live without me, and
you know I won't let you get a divorce. Case
closed. You're a great man. Great men must
have dignity. They can attack your politics
and throw all kinds of dirt at you, but you
mustn't ever sacrifice your dignity
W. R.
And I never will with you at my side.
MARION
It's perfectly acceptable for you to have a

Dunn 66 Freed

Follies girl and beautiful blonde movie star

as your mistress. Look at Louis XIV or
Charles II, or King David even.
W. R.
Didn't David have eight wives and something
like a dozen concubines? For a great man I
really come up rather short of the mark.
MARION
(grabbing him in a
wrestling hold)
You are incorrigible! The point is, if you
divorce the mother of your five sons to marry
me a mere slip of a girl young enough to
be your granddaughter your enemies will
make you out a doddering old fool.
You can live down being thought old-fashioned
and even immoral, but no man you have
written it yourself in editorials has ever
lived down being ridiculous. I'd rather take
our chances the way we are.
W. R.
(removing a paper from his jacket)I was going
to put this under your plate this evening.
MARION
I can't find my glasses. Will you read it to
me?
W. R.
The evening is blue but the stars are dim
Like the eyes of the girl of whom I write.
Those eyes seem so sad as if behind a scrim
But the skies are soft and the clouds are
white
Like the skin of the girl of whom I write.
And no beauty on earth is so fair a sight
As the girl who'll lie by my side tonight.
MARION
I love you so much. (punching him on the arm)
Ya, big palooka, don't you know I think
you're swell. The swellest, maybe.

Dunn 67 Freed

MUSIC: 12.

"YOU'RE OH SO PRECIOUS TO ME"

W. R.
YOU'RE OH SO PRECIOUS TO ME
BRIGHTER THAN DIAMONDS IN SPOTLIGHTS
YOU BRING MORE PLEASURE TO ME
THAN WONDERS OF CONTINENTS WITH ALL THEIR SIGHTS.
YOUR LOVE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,
THAT ALL THE MUSEUMS OF ART,
CAN NOT MATCH THE MONA LISA
THAT'S WITHIN YOUR HEART.
YOU'RE OH SO PRECIOUS TO ME
BRIGHTER THAN DIAMONDS IN SPOTLIGHTS
YOU BRING MORE PLEASURE TO ME
THAN WONDERS OF CONTINENTS WITH ALL THEIR SIGHTS.
YOUR LOVE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,
THAT ALL THE MUSEUMS OF ART,
CAN NOT MATCH THE MONA LISA
THAT'S WITHIN YOUR HEART.
W. R.
(bowing low) Marion? Will you dance with me?
(They begin dancing the waltz
that W. R.'s been singing.
After a while their dance
gets more animated. W. R. is
a surprisingly good dancer.
Then W. R. slows down. They
are barely dancing and
holding each other.)
WHEN I
BETTER
YOU'RE
YOU'RE

W. R.
SEE YOUR SMILE--OH, THOSE FEELINGS!
THAN A THOUSAND SISTINE CEILINGS!
OH SO PRECIOUS TO ME,
A PERFECT WORK OF ART!
(They kiss, then Marion slaps
W. R. lightly on the cheek
and puts the poem in a
drawer.)

MARION
We need to get back to fixing the "Patricia

Dunn 68 Freed

and the big bad wolf" story. I think you

should meet with Bette first on your own with
some kind of irresistible offer from Warner
Brothers.
W. R.
I'll call them right away.
BLACKOUT

Dunn 69 Freed

ACT

II,

SCENE 3
SETTING W. R. is
sitting at a table in
the great hall alone
half singing to
himself:

W. R.
It's a four-step plan,
Da-da da-duh-duh-duh.
Number One: Give back Bette her favorite
pet ...
and a role she won't regret.
(Stevens enters
with Bette.)
STEVENS
Sir, are you ready to speak with Miss Davis?
W. R.
Show her in, Stevens, and make certain that
we are not disturbed.
(Bette enters
wearing her Maid
Marian costume.)
BETTE
What did you want to see me about, W. R.?
W. R.
As a parting, good will gesture, Jack Warner
has offered Cosmopolitan Pictures the
opportunity of co-producing a large budget
epic to compete with MGM's "Gone With the
Wind." It will be about Queen Elizabeth's
love affair with the Earl of Essex, and we
desperately need you to play the lead.
BETTE
Wasn't Elizabeth somewhere in her fifties at
the time?

Dunn 70 Freed

W. R.
No one will expect such a beautiful, young
actress to take on such a challenging role.
You should have a lock on winning another
Oscar for that alone.
BETTE
Very tempting. I'll tell you what, if I
don't get Scarlett O'Hara I'll do it out of
spite.
W. R.
Then you're in.
BETTE
What do you mean?
W. R.
I'm afraid I had the advantage on you of
Clark's leaking to me that both he and Vivian
Leigh are in line for the parts.
BETTE
That British bitch. I'll trump her by
playing her god-damn queen.
W. R.
There is one condition.
BETTE
And what is that?
W. R.
Jack wants to insure a big box office by
attaching our own rogue of a Robin Hood as
Essex.
BETTE
Flynn you mean? Bloody hell I will. He is
the worst actor I have ever worked with.
Didn't you see "The Sisters"?
W. R.
Didn't you see the grosses on "Robin Hood"
and Captain Blood? This is a dream
pairing, the best film actress in the world

Dunn 71 Freed

with its most popular heart-throb. Anyway

there is no deal if I can't deliver both of
you.
BETTE
I thought you didn't like him, something
about Marion's niece maybe.
W. R.
That's being taken care of. Are you in with
Flynn or not?
BETTE
With one condition of my own.

W. R.
What is that?
BETTE
He has to take legitimate acting lessons
before we're back on the set.
W. R.
I'll see to it. Charlie wants us all back
here in about an hour. Is there anything that
Stevens can get for you?
BETTE
How about a different leading actor who can
actually act?
(Bette exits.
enters.)

Marion

MARION
How did it go?
W. R.
She's less than thrilled about acting with
Flynn again, but she'll do it.
MARION
Step one taken. Should we meet with Patricia
next or Flynn?

Dunn 72 Freed

W. R.
I think you should meet with Flynn yourself
as the sweet voice of reason. This should be
a fairly easy sell. Career suicide over a
teen-aged girl or a starring role with Bette
Davis. Have Stevens come and get me when
you're through with him, and we can meet with
Patricia together.
(He vocalizes the tune for step
Number Two.)

BLACKOUT

Dunn 73 Freed

ACT II, SCENE 4

SETTING Flynn and
Marion are alone in the
main room. They have
been talking. Flynn is
wearing his Robin Hood
outfit for the next
scene. W. R. and Stevens
can be seen waiting in
the far stage-left
wings. They will enter
after Flynn exits.
FLYNN
I understand you perfectly.
(He gives Marion a kiss on
the cheek and exits up the
stage-center stairs. W. R.
comes forward.)
W. R.
How do you think it went?
MARION
We're standing firmly on step two. Stevens,
will you go and tell Patricia that we have
some good news for her?
STEVENS
Yes, ma'am.
(Stevens exits.)
MARION
How far should we go with her?
She's a bright girl.
necessary.

W. R.
All the way if

(Patricia enters and stands between W. R. and

Marion, her back to W. R..)

Dunn 74 Freed

PATRICIA
(sarcastically)
What's the good news, Auntie Marion?
MARION
Let's all sit down.
(She places Patricia on a
hassock facing herself and W.
R. on the couch.)
W. R.
We've come to a non-negotiable decision about
you and Flynn.
PATRICIA
(to W. R.)
As if it were any of your business.
MARION
We've decided that it is very much our
business, as you put it, because your
happiness is our foremost concern.
PATRICIA
Why should you care about my happiness? You
just don't want me to throw a tantrum and
embarrass you in front of your Hollywood
friends.
W. R.
I'll tell you why we care. (putting his
hands on her shoulders) We care because we're
your real-life parents. I am your father and
Marion is your birth mother.
PATRICIA
(silent for an awkward amount of time) . . .
W. R.
Do you understand now why we care so much
about what happens to you?
PATRICIA
(still silent)

Dunn 75 Freed

Say something. . .

MARION
Anything.

PATRICIA
(giving W. R. a kiss
on the cheek)
I think I always knew it by the special way
you two looked at me. But the only thing
that matters to me right now is my love for
Errol. If you care about my happiness, care
about that.

MARION
But you're still only seventeen and we need
to protect you.
PATRICIA
How well did your mother protect you when you
were sixteen, was it? And hotly pursued by a
fifty year old man?
MARION
Times were different then for showgirls.
PATRICIA
Gold Diggers, you mean.
W. R.
Most importantly I was and still am
completely in love with your mother. It is
my love and commitment to her which is so
different in the two situations. In your
wildest fantasies do you believe Flynn is
capable of loving anyone other than himself
for more than an hour or two?
PATRICIA
I want to discover that on my own because I
wasn't alive until I found him.
MARION
We won't stand in your way, if you do two
things.

Dunn 76 Freed

PATRICIA
What are they?
MARION
First, that you won't sleep with him until
you are eighteen -- the legal age of consent
I believe in this state.
PATRICIA
He'll never agree to that.
W. R.
He already has. We made him an offer he
couldn't refuse earlier today.
PATRICIA
What do you mean? Did you just pay him to
walk away? How dare you? . . . . What's the
second one?
MARION
That you get married as soon as possible in
case you fail to honor the first promise.
PATRICIA
Married!? Now I know for sure that you are
out of your minds. To whom?
MARION
Someone like Arthur Lake for instance.
PATRICIA
Who?
MARION
He's that friend of Jack's. You met him
earlier in the dance number.
PATRICIA
That schleppy little guy? Why would I ever do
that?
MARION
You'd do that to have free access to whatever
unavailable and inappropriate man like Errol

Dunn 77 Freed

Flynn you'll ever fall in love with.

Consider it a perpetual smoke screen to
shield you from the kind of scandal mongering
that your father and I have had to deal with.
PATRICIA
And what if I won't do that?
W. R.
I don't trust Flynn one iota and you barely
two iotas. If you don't choose the path that
Marion has laid out, I will have to eliminate
Flynn as a threat to my family.
That will
be easy enough to do when he is arrested for
statutory rape. Not involving you, of
course. My Metro-tone cameras will just
happen to be there to capture him being
handcuffed and shoved into a paddy wagon.
When the scene is projected on thousands of
screens around the world, his life as he knew
it will be over. You know I can snap my
fingers and that will happen, don't you?
What's your decision?
PATRICIA
(mulling this over in
the following song )
MUSIC: 12b.
MY LOVE IS IN DANGER
AND I ALONE CAN SAVE HIM
OR LOSE HIM FOREVER.
I WILL DELAY MY LOVE
BUT I WILL NEVER
DENY MY LOVE.
I WILL DELAY MY LOVE
UNTIL THE FATES CONSPIRE
TO REOPEN THE FLOODGATE
OF MY DESIRE.
I PRAY IT WON'T BE TOO LATE.
MY LOVE IS IN DANGER
AND I ALONE CAN SAVE HIM

Dunn 78 Freed

MY LOVE IS IN DANGER

OR LOSE HIM FOREVER.

PATRICIA
Marion, I accept your terms. I will make this
sacrifice, but only if no harm will ever come
to Errol because of his love for me.
MARION
Agreed. That's the decision that I would have
made. (embracing Patricia who somewhat
resists.)
PATRICIA
At least, let me interview this Lake guy. I
absolutely reserve the right of refusal about
any marital arrangement that I'm not
comfortable with.
MARION
We'll set it up, but you're in charge. Here's
what I was thinking. Oh, oh. I'll even let
you use one of W. R.'s poems to test him
(taking the poem that W. R. wrote for her out
of the drawer).
(They walk off together
continuing the conversation)
BLACKOUT

Dunn 79 Freed

ACT II, SCENE 5

SETTING Stevens and
Arthur enter the great
room. Marion and
Patricia are already
sitting on the couch
whispering in each
other's ear and editing
the poem. Arthur is
carrying a live duck
entangled in a
badminton net and
shuttlecock.
STEVENS
Here he is, madam.
ARTHUR
Miss Davies, Jack said I should meet with you
about some part in a new movie that you're
making based on the Blondie comics. Oh by
the way I found this poor duck all twisted up
in this badminton stuff.
MARION
Stevens, would you take the duck back down to
the barn and have Jack free it? (to Arthur)
Let me get right to the point about our
interest in you. And you're especially lucky
because the producer herself is sitting right
next to me. Are you ready for your audition?
ARTHUR
(panicking) I don't know . . . ahi, ahi, ahi,
ahi, ahi
MARION
Take a few deep breaths In . . . Out . . .
Think of us as a typical, California family
who just happens to make a few movies a year
to amuse ourselves. In . . . Out . . . In .
. . Out.

Dunn 80 Freed

ARTHUR
(doing the breathing
exercises)
I think I can talk now.
MARION
You remember my niece, Patricia Van Cleve,
don't you?
ARTHUR
Yes, ma'am, I do.
MARION
Well Jack thinks highly of your potential to
play the particular role that we have in
mind.
ARTHUR
I haven't had a lot of movie acting
experience, although I worked in the circus
for quite a while with my father and uncle.
You might have heard of them - The Flying
Silverlakes. No?
MARION
(getting up) You must excuse me. W. R. needs
me to help him dress for dinner. Patricia,
he's all yours.
(Marion exits.)
PATRICIA
Let's pretend that you and I are both playing
Dagwood and Blondie in a scene and a
potentially jealous confrontation arises.
Another man has sent me, your wife, the poem
that I'll read to you in a minute, and you
discovered it apparently hidden in my
underwear drawer?
ARTHUR
Why would I be looking in your underwear
drawer?

Dunn 81 Freed

PATRICIA
I don't know. Maybe you were waxing the car
and needed an old pair of cotton panties to
use as a rag or something. What difference
does it make why you are looking in my
underwear drawer?
ARTHUR
It would make all the difference in the world
to the audience. They might think my
character was a little-- you know -- light in
the loafers, (nervous Dagwood laugh)
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
PATRICIA
Let the script writers worry about that.
I'll read you the poem. It is entitled
"Evening Eyes" and remember, it's been sent
by another man to the woman who is playing
your wife.
The evening is blue but the stars are dim
Like the eyes of the girl of whom I write.
Those eyes seem so sad as if behind a scrim.
But the skies are soft and the clouds are
white
Like the skin of the girl of whom I write.
And no beauty on earth is so fair a sight
As the girl who might lie in my arms some
night.
I'm very confused.

ARTHUR
What does that mean?

PATRICIA
That doesn't matter. The point is, if you
were playing my husband, how would you react
if your "character" were placed in such a
situation?
ARTHUR
Ahi, Ahi, Ahi, OK, OK. I'd probably ask her,
meaning you of course, why she was so sad.

Dunn 82 Freed

PATRICIA
Why, Arthur, there really are tears in your
eyes.
ARTHUR
I cry in Westerns every time they make the
horses fall down. I've been riding on my
father's farm since I was ten; that's why
Jack invited me up here this weekend.
MUSIC: 13.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY HOUSE WITH ME"

PATRICIA
YOU ARE SO SWEET AND SO KIND
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY HOUSE WITH ME?
GO TO WORK EVERYDAY,
PICK UP THE DOG AT THE VET
AND HAVE SOME BREAKFAST IN OUR DINETTE.
I'LL BUY FURNITURE WE CAN'T AFFORD
AND MAKE YOU SANDWICHES IMPOSSIBLE TO EAT.
THIS COULD REALLY BE A KIND OF GOOD,
I'LL PLAY BLONDIE TO YOUR DAGWOOD.
I'LL BUY FURNITURE WE CAN'T AFFORD
AND MAKE YOU SANDWICHES IMPOSSIBLE TO EAT.
THIS COULD REALLY BE A KIND OF GOOD,
I'LL PLAY BLONDIE TO YOUR DAGWOOD.
THIS COULD BE SOME FUN FOR ME AND FUN FOR YOU.
WE COULD STAY HERE AT THE RANCH OR BEACH AT MALIBU.
IF YOU ARE SO SWEET AND KIND,
CAN WE PLAY HOUSE FOR NOW FOR TWO? FOR TWO?
(Arthur stares clueless.
Patricia gestures frantically
to get a rise out of him,
finally singing the verse over
again.)
THIS COULD BE SOME FUN FOR ME AND FUN FOR YOU.
WE COULD STAY HERE AT THE RANCH OR BEACH AT MALIBU.

Dunn 83 Freed

YOU ARE SO SWEET AND KIND,

CAN WE PLAY HOUSE FOR NOW FOR TWO?
FOR TWO?
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
(Arthur gasps out a couple of
sounds.)
PATRICIA
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
MARRY ME!
PATRICIA
(speaking)
If you will, you can be my Dagwood.
ARTHUR
Marry you ... and Dagwood too!!??
PATRICIA
You don't have to decide right at this
moment. In fact I have to speak with Marion
first anyway.
(Patricia exits leaving a
stunned Arthur.
MUSIC: 14.

"I CAN BE A SOMEBODY"

ARTHUR
I CAN BE A SOMEBODY IN "DAGWOOD!"
I CAN MAKE SOME HISTORY IN "DAGWOOD."
BIG ON THE SCREEN,
I WILL BE SEEN!
SOON I'LL BE A SOMEBODY
AND "DAGWOOD" WILL BE MY NAME!
(To an orchestral set of
variations on the song theme,
Arthur dances a soft-shoe,
shouting "Dagwood" a couple of
times during the routine.)

Dunn 84 Freed

I CAN BE A SOMEBODY IN "DAGWOOD!"

I CAN MAKE SOME HISTORY IN "DAGWOOD."
BIG ON THE SCREEN,
I WILL BE SEEN!
SOON I'LL BE A SOMEBODY,
(Try to articulate
the word "somebody"
in as many ways as
possible)
A SOMEBODY, A SOMEBODY, A SOMEBODY,
A SOMEBODY, A SOMEBODY, A SOMEBODY,
AND "DAGWOOD" WILL BE MY NAME!
BLACKOUT

Dunn 85 Freed

ACT II, SCENE 6

SETTING An hour later
still in the great room
but a small stage has
been set up as a
Parisian cafe with
Patricia in a very
revealing Apache dress
costume already sitting
at a Bistro table pours
herself some wine. She
snaps her fingers and
Stevens who is already
sitting on the couch
next to W. R. gets up
and starts the record
player. It is the
upbeat tango that we
first heard.
MUSIC: 15.

"THE CASTLE TANGO"

The first couple to

appear and begin their
dancing is Chaplin
costumed as Rudolph
Valentino and Arthur
Lake as his dance
partner Pola Negri.
Next to join Chaplin and
Arthur on the dance
floor are Gable costumed
as Rhett Butler and
Marion as Scarlet
O'Hara. Her hooped
skirt makes tangoing
comically difficult.
After them is Flynn in
his Robin Hood costume
and Bette Davis as Maid
Marian. They dance a
bit until Patricia

Dunn 86 Freed

attacks Bette in what

might appear as the
standard jealous lover
Apache routine out of a
an Ed Sullivan show
except with Patricia
leading Flynn when she
takes over the dance
with him.
Bette starts hair
pulling with Patricia
while Chaplin and Errol
start a fight which
expands into a sword
fight. They use the
antique weapons on the
wall.
CHAPLIN
(punctuating his
words with his sword
strokes)
Say it. . Hitler . Is . A . monster. . Say
it, . ..you bloody . .Aussie . . . Fascist .
. . or I'll cut .. .that Goyish nose . . .
right off . . . your pretty face.
W. R.
Cut. (needing to yell) I said Cut
everybody!
(Stevens restrains
Chaplin.)
FLYNN
(to Chaplin)
Well done, old chap. You really had me back
on my heels. You should do a dueling cameo
with me in my next film.
CHAPLIN
And you can play a storm trooper in mine.
W. R.
And Patricia, cover up. Act more

Dunn 87 Freed

appropriately.
PATRICIA
(turning to Arthur in
a mock appeal)
Just dancing with someone is all right, isn't
it Arthur?
(Arthur, taken off guard, steps
forward.)
ARTHUR
Of course, dear.
PATRICIA
Don't you have a special announcement to
make?
ARTHUR
Why sure ... What is it?
PATRICIA
We're getting married.
ARTHUR
(shouting a little to
the room)
Heh everybody! Patricia and I are getting
married.
(Others in the room
respond with various
degrees of amazement.)
ARTHUR
(turning to Patricia)
When, exactly?
PATRICIA
As soon as possible.
ARTHUR
(shouting as before)
As soon as possible.

Dunn 88 Freed

PATRICIA
Auntie Marion, what do you have to say?
MARION
Good question. (improvising) How does next .
. . Saturday sound? And everyone is invited
to stay over and celebrate the nuptials with
us. We can send the plane down to fetch the
necessary accoutrements.
PATRICIA
Chief, what do you have to say?
W. R.
"The heart wants what it wants or else it
does not truly care for anything," and
Patricia's heart is every bit as complicated
and strong as my own. I have to love and
respect it. (raising his brandy glass)
Patricia, I drink to your pursuit of
happiness ...
(to the tune of the
"Four-step Plan")
AS I DRINK TO ALL OF OURS.
(He drinks.)
GUESTS
WE DRINK TO YOURS AND OURS
(They drink.)
W. R.
Now everyone off to your rooms to dress for
dinner. What time, Stevens?
STEVENS
Precisely at six, as always, sir.
(Everyone exits leaving
Patricia and Errol as the
last ones. Marion
noticing this stops and

Dunn 89 Freed

spies. Patricia says

nothing but slips a note
to him, touches his arm
he touches hers. She
exits. Flynn and Marion
sing the following duet.)
MUSIC: 16.

"SOMETHING'S STRANGE HERE"

FLYNN
SOMETHING'S STRANGE HERE.
SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT WITH HER.
SHE'S COILED AND COMPRESSED TOO MUCH.
I FEEL HER SKIN MIGHT POP AT MY NEXT TOUCH.
MARION
SOMETHING'S STRANGE HERE.
SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT WITH HER.
IS SHE NO LONGER AN EXTENSION OF ME?
FLYNN
COULD THIS BE THE END OF MY ALCHEMY?
AM I BECOMING THE MOTH DRAWN TO HER
CANDLES FIRE,
AM I A VICTIM OF MY DESIRE?
MARION
THOSE EYES THAT NOW ARE SO HARD
ONCE WERE SO GENTLE
SHOULD I BE ON MY GUARD?
FLYNN AND MARION
SOMETHING'S STRANGE HERE
SOMETHINGS STRANGE HERE
WITH HER AND WITH ME, I FEAR.
SHE PERTURBS ME
FLYNN
AND I AM SUDDENLY UNSURE.
MARION
SHE'S SUDDENLY MATURE

Dunn 90 Freed

FLYNN AND MARION

OH! I WISH IT WERE CLEAR
WHERE NEXT SHE MIGHT TAKE ME.
(Marion exits. Flynn re-reads
the note.)
FLYNN
So, she wants to meet me down here tonight
after everyone's in bed. It really is fun to
be me.
(There's a knocking at the
outer door. Errol opens it
to reveal Arthur, half
dressed, in an over-sized,
formal dinner-wear tuxedo.
The pants are over his shoes.
He is carrying the rest of
Jack's outfit including a
pair of large dress patent
leather shoes.)
ARTHUR
Mr. Flynn, can you help me out? The shirt
doesn't seem to have any buttons, and I have
no idea what this is for (holding up the
enormous cummerbund).
FLYNN
I'm certain that Stevens can help. (starting
to leave) Oh, congratulations on your
engagement. You are indeed a lucky fellow. I
wish I were in your place.
ARTHUR
With your good looks, I'm sure you will be
soon enough.
FLYNN
That's my guess too. I'll see you at dinner.
(calling out) Stevens, Mr. Lake needs some
assistance. Oh, and by the way what you need
are studs.

Dunn 91 Freed

ARTHUR
Huh?
(Flynn rummages and finds a
small box which he opens and
dumps the studs and cuff links
into Arthur's hand.)
FLYNN
Studs. They're used to hold the shirt
together. I'll show you.
(Errol starts putting them in
for Arthur as Stevens
arrives.)
FLYNN
Stevens, will you help Mr. Lake finish
dressing? I need to get ready myself.
ARTHUR
(calling after Flynn)
Thanks for your help.
(Errol exits. Stevens ties the
bow tie quickly on Arthur and
adjusts the cummerbund then
deals with the oversized
jacket.)
STEVENS
Sir, may I ask where you obtained this
garment?
ARTHUR
Jack lent me his.
Oh, oh, and he wanted me
to tell you that he's really under the
weather and to not set a place for him.
STEVENS
(holding up the large
shoes)
Let's forego the shoes and roll you up as
best we can. Mine should fit you better.

Dunn 92 Freed

(giving Arthur his own shoes) You've got to

look like a somebody now, sir.
ARTHUR
(to the tune of "Lost
in the Fog")
LOST IN THIS COAT,
I FEEL TOTALLY, TOTALLY,
TOTALLY, TOTALLY,
LOST IN THIS COAT ...
BLACKOUT

Dunn 93 Freed

ACT II, SCENE 7

SETTING The great room set has been returned
to normal and everyone is in his or her
formal-wear, not saying much other than
drinking just having their after-dinner
drinks and cigars or cigarettes in long
holder/filters. The silver phone rings
jarringly.

W. R.
I need to get that. (getting up and returning
after a few seconds panicked) Quick, Stevens,
turn on the radio.
(Stevens turns the radio
on. They all listen to
the middle of Orson
Welles' "War of the
Worlds" broadcast in
stunned silence. Here
are the 4:44 minutes,
HTTPS://VIMEO.COM/125066
065 some or all of
which they will be
listening to.
Chaplin anticipates
Orson's reveal by
pantomiming the radio
announcer while the rest
of the guests are acting
more appropriately
panicked.
Chaplin runs to the door
and opens it when the
announcer mentions that
cylinders are dropping
all over the country.)

Dunn 94 Freed

CHAPLIN
Oh my god, one of the cylinders is falling
near the stables!
(There are screams and general
mayhem in the room.)
(Radio broadcast breaks with the announcer
explaining that this is just Orson Welles'
rendition of War of the Worlds.)
Orson Welles, I should have guessed. Let's
have some fun with this. Fellow martians,
prepare your uniforms for our victory march!
(Guests begin
improvising their
costumes from the costume
crate that now has been
moved to the corner of
the room.)
There may be hope for Hollywood yet.
MUSIC 17: "MARCH OF THE MARTIANS"
CHAPLIN
TO TELL THE TRUTH,
I NEVER BELIEVED
WHAT THOSE ANNOUNCERS SAID
ABOUT INVADERS WREAKING HAVOC
FROM A PLANET THAT IS RED,
ANY MOGUL WORTH HIS MOVIE
SHOULD NOT WORRY IN THE LEAST.
IT'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
TO HAVE A FILM RELEASED!
ANY MAN WITH PERSPICACITY
LIKE YOURSELF, SIR, W. R.,
WOULD KNOW EXACTLY-SHOULD I SHOW YOU?
MAY I BORROW YOUR CIGAR?

Dunn 95 Freed

THE MARTIANS ARE COMING,

THE MARTIANS ARE COMING TO HOLLYWOOD
WHAT EVER DESTRUCTION THEY DO ON INSTRUCTION
WILL BE DAMN GOOD!
HURRAH, HURRAY!
BROWN DERBY FLATTENED,
GRIFFITH PARK CHARRED,
IF ALL THAT'S LEFT OF THE CONGA CLUB
IS JUST AN EMPTY YARD,
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT MARTIANS DO
ENACTING NEFARIOUS PLANS.
THE WORLD WILL CARE WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE;
IT'S PUBLICITY FOR OUR FANS.
CHORUS OF MARTIANS
PUBLICITY, PUBLICITY!
CHAPLIN
AND MONEY IN OUR HANDS!
THE MARTIANS ARE COMING,
THE MARTIANS ARE COMING TO MOVIE-VILLE!
WHAT EVER DESTRUCTION THEY DO ON INSTRUCTION
WILL DO NOT ILL.
HURRAH!

CHORUS OF MARTIANS
HURRAY!

CHAPLIN
SUNSET STRIP OVERFLIPPED.
HOLLYWOOD BOWL A HOLE.
IF ALL THAT'S LEFT OF MALIBU BEACH
IS JUST A LIFE-LESS SHOAL,
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT MARTIANS DO
AS CITY HALL IS DESTROYED.
THE WORLD WILL CARE WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE:
PUBLICITY FILLS THE VOID!
PUBLICITY!

CHORUS OF MARTIANS
PUBLICITY!

CHAPLIN
AND MONEY TO BE ENJOYED!

Dunn 96 Freed

(A musical marching interlude

begins, danced by the cast in
their makeshift Martian
costumes, which will knock
over the side table and spill
the puzzle pieces onto the
floor. Chaplin then
continues.)
CHAPLIN
THE MARTIANS ARE COMING!
THE MARTIANS ARE COMING!
WE'RE HAPPY TO TAG ALONG.
WHATEVER THEY BREAK
WE'LL EVENTUALLY MAKE
A BLOCKBUSTER FOR THE THRONG
HURRAH!

CHORUS OF MARTIANS
HURRAY!

CHAPLIN
WE REALLY CAN'T GO WRONG.
HURRAY!

CHORUS OF MARTIANS
HURRAH!

CHAPLIN
THE LINES FOR THE FILM WILL BE LONG, YES!
HURRAY!

CHORUS OF MARTIANS
HURRAH!

CHAPLIN
THE BOX OFFICE WILL BE STRONG!
HURRAY!

YES!

CHORUS OF MARTIANS
HURRAH!

CHAPLIN
THE SALES WILL EVEN BEAT KING KONG!
CHORUS AND CHAPLIN
HURRAH! HURRAY! KING KONG, KING KONG,
KING KONG, KING KONG!

Dunn 97 Freed

CHAPLIN
SO LONG!
(The "Martians" all
laugh, chatter, then
collapse on the chairs
and sofas.)
W. R.
There's something about this Welles fellow
that reminds me of me. Charlie, we ought to
bring him out to the Coast to see what he can
do in pictures.
BLACKOUT

Dunn 98 Freed

ACT II, SCENE 8

SETTING It is much
later in the evening.
The lights in the great
room have been dimmed.
The antique clock
chimes eleven. Arthur,
still dressed in his
over-sized tuxedo,
knocks on the front
door, waits a few
seconds then enters the
room quietly tiptoeing
carrying the football
helmet from the opening
scene to return it to
the costume crate.

Stevens?

ARTHUR
(whispering)
It's me, Arthur.
(He hears voices and jumps
into the costume crate himself
to hide. W. R. and Marion
enter from stage left.)

MARION
It's been quite a day. And Halloween isn't
even here yet.
(She begins to pick up the
puzzle pieces and starts
straightening up the room but
then quits.)
MARION
Oh, to hell with it!
(Stevens enters carrying
a large stack of
newspapers.)

Dunn 99 Freed

STEVENS
The morning galleys have just arrived, sir.
W. R.
Thank you, Stevens.
(Stevens continues cleaning up
the main room. W. R. compares
the almost identical headlines
on two of the papers as
Patricia enters still wearing
her "March of the Martians"
costume, which she throws into
the crate on top of Arthur.)
PATRICIA
That was so much fun. . . . Do you mind if
I stay up with you two for a while?
W. R.
(to Patricia)
Which one has more impact? "Make a Safe
Homeland / for Persecuted Jews / N O W !" The
larger type, or the greater white space?
PATRICIA
White space.
W. R.
(moving the papers
aside)
Here, sit down next to me. I have only one
piece of advice that has never failed.
Regardless of the consequences, always choose
happiness. Do happiness every day.
PATRICIA
That advice I will take to heart.
MARION
Patricia, I think you made the right decision
about Arthur and Flynn. How does it feel to
be a woman with the means to steer her own
fate?

Dunn 100 Freed

PATRICIA
I wouldn't go quite that far.
MARION
And neither should you until you're quite a
bit older.
PATRICIA
(lying on the couch)
Is it all right if I sleep down here tonight?
MARION
You don't need our permission.
(As Patricia stretches out on
the couch, Marion covers her
with an heirloom quilt and
starts the lullaby; W. R.
starts the second verse;
Arthur starts the third verse
standing, but still unnoticed
inside the costume crate
MUSIC 19: "I LOVE WHO YOU ARE"
MARION
I LOVE WHO YOU ARE
WHETHER NEAR OR FAR.
WHEREVER YOU ARE,
I WILL LOVE YOU,
WHO YOU ARE,
FOREVER.
MARION, W. R.
(singing in close
counterpoint)
I LOVE WHO YOU ARE
WHETHER NEAR OR FAR.
WHEREVER YOU ARE,
WE WILL LOVE YOU,
WHO YOU ARE,
TOGETHER, TOGETHER.
MARION
(addressing Patricia)
WE LOVE WHO YOU ARE

Dunn 101 Freed

W. R.
(addressing Marion)
WE LOVE WHO YOU ARE
WE LOVE WHO YOU ARE
MARION
(addressing W. R.)
WE LOVE WHO YOU ARE
W. R.
I LOVE WHO YOU ARE.
MARION
I LOVE WHO YOU ARE.
ARTHUR
MY LIFE AT TIMES
SURPRISES ME:
CAN I EVER
DO THINGS RIGHT?
YET NOW IT SEEMS
A CASTLE WILL
BE MY MARRIAGE SITE!
INCREDIBLE!
I'VE FOUND OUT
WHO I AM,
AND NO LONGER
NEED TO ROAM.
I'VE FOUND A GIRL
AND FOUND A
FAMILY
I AM NO LONGER LOST
I AM HOME
(At the end of the song,
Arthur ducks back down in the
crate.)
W. R.
Stevens, will you take care of the lights?
(Stevens starts dimming the
lights by turning an enormous

Dunn 102 Freed

rheostat.)
It's our time for bed, my dear.
(W. R. and Marion exit
pausing to embrace and
kiss like lovers.
As soon as they exit,
Stevens goes to the
central staircase to
signal Flynn that the
coast is clear. He and
Flynn exchange a mouth
to mouth kiss before
Flynn goes to the couch
to lie down next to
Patricia.
Stevens returns to the
large rheostat and
begins lowering the
lights. Arthur's head
bops back up from the
costume crate, and he
watches for a few
awkward seconds as Flynn
and Patricia embrace.
There should be
spotlights on both Arthur
and the couple. Then the
spotlight shifts to
Arthur.)
ARTHUR
(turning to face the
audience)
Hold it for a few more moments, will you,
Stevens?
I want to read a poem that I wrote
for Patricia on our wedding anniversary so
that the audience won't get the wrong idea.
(While Arthur is reading the
poem, the spotlight goes out

Dunn 103 Freed

on the couple; and Flynn,

unseen by the audience, slips
away offstage.)
ARTHUR
I went over Niagara Falls
In a barrel with you 40 years ago
Today, and I'm glad I did.
You drove me crazy for years
With your antics and tears
But those years are long gone.
And our children and fans
Have filled our days with health
And wealth beyond belief.
Thank you for giving birth to the man I am.
Your smiles brought rain to the desert
And sheltered me from grief.
Before I met you
I was a joke and a fake.
But your happy spirit
Gained for me the last laughter.
Your loving husband
For ever after,
Arthur Lake.

(As he says these last

lines, Arthur gets out
of the crate still in
his over-sized tuxedo,
but now having found a
white wedding veil among
the costumes. With the
spotlight following him,
he goes to the couch and
uncovers Patricia.
Broadly smiling, she
gets up, puts the
wedding veil on and

Dunn 104 Freed

takes his arm.

They exit as a newly
married couple far stage
right to the music of a
wedding processional and
the off-stage cheers of
the Hearst guests.
The spotlight then
shines on Stevens as he
turns the large rheostat
dial to blackout. Two
slides of the actual
Arthur and Patricia,
marrying and in later
years in front of the
Dagwood and the Atom
poster, are projected as
the cast takes their
curtain calls.)

FINAL CURTAIN

Dunn 105 Freed