MeathouseMan

I.

IntheMeathouse

Theycamestraightfromtheorefieldsthatfirsttime,Tragerwiththeothers,theolderboys,the
almostmenwhoworkedtheircorpsesnexttohis.Coxwastheoldestofthegroup,andhedbeenaround
themost,andhesaidthatTragerhadtocomeevenifhedidntwantto.Thenoneoftheotherslaughed
andsaidthatTragerwouldntevenknowwhattodo,butCoxthekindofleadershovedhimuntilhewas
quiet.Andwhenpaydaycame,Tragertrailedtheresttothemeathouse,scaredbutsomehoweager,andhe
paidhismoneytoamandownstairsandgotaroomkey.

Hecameintothedimroomtrembling,nervous.Theothershadgonetootherrooms,hadlefthimalone
withher(no,it,notherbutit,heremindedhimself,andpromptlyforgotagain).Inashabbygraycubicle
withasinglesmokylight.

Hestankofsweatandsulfur,likeallwhowalkedthestreetsofSkrakky,buttherewasnohelpforthat.It
wouldbebetterifhecouldbathefirst,buttheroomdidnothaveabath.Justasink,doublebedwith
sheetsthatlookeddirtyeveninthedimness,acorpse.

Shelaytherenaked,staringatnothing,breathingshallowbreaths.Herlegswerespreadready.Wasshe
alwaysthatway,Tragerwondered,orhadthemanbeforehimarrangedherlikethat?Hedidntknow.He
knewhowtodoit(hedid,hedid,hedreadthehooksCoxgavehim,andtherewerefilmsyoucouldsee,
andallsortsofthings),buthedidntknowmuchofanythingelse.Exceptmaybehowtohandlecorpses.
Thathewasgoodat,theyoungesthandleronSkrakky,buthehadtobe.Theyhadforcedhimintothe
handlersschoolwhenhismotherdied,andtheymadehimlearn,sothatwasthethinghedid.This,this
hehadneverdone(butheknewhow,yes,yes,hedid)itwashisfirsttime.

Hecametothebedslowlyandsattoachorusofcreakingsprings.Hetouchedherandthefleshwas
warm.Ofcourse.Shewasnotacorpse,notreally,nothebodywasaliveenough,aheartbeatunderthe
heavywhitebreasts,shebreathed.Onlythebrainwasgone,rippedfromher,replacedwithadeadmans
synthabrain.Shewasmeatnow,anextrabodyforacorpsehandlertocontrol,justlikethecrewheworked
eachdayundersulfurskies.Shewasnotawoman.SoitdidnotmatterthatTragerwasjustaboy,ajowly
frogfacedboywhosmelledofSkrakky.She(noit,remember?)wouldnotcare,couldnotcare.

Emboldened,arousedandhard,theboystrippedoffhiscorpsehandlersclothingandclimbedinbedwith
thefemalemeat.Hewasveryexcitedhishandsshookashestrokedher,studiedher.Herskinwasvery
white,herhairdarkandlong,buteventheboycouldnotcallherpretty.Herfacewastooflatandwide,
hermouthhungopen,andherlimbswerelooseandsaggingwithfat.

Onherhugebreasts,allaroundthefatdarknipples,thelastcustomerhadlefttoothmarkswherehed
chewedher.Tragertouchedthemarkstentatively,tracedthemwithafinger.Then,sheepishabouthis

hesitations,hegrabbedonebreast,squeezedithard,pinchedthenippleuntilheimaginedarealgirlwould
squealwithpain.Thecorpsedidnotmove.Stillsqueezing,herolledoveronherandtooktheotherbreast
intohismouth.

Andthecorpseresponded.

Shethrustupathim,hard,andmeatyarmswrappedaroundhispimpledbacktopullhimtoher.Trager
groanedandreacheddownbetweenherlegs.Shewashot,wet,excited.Hetrembled.Howdidtheydo
that?Couldshereallygetexcitedwithoutamind,ordidtheyhavelubricatingtubesstuckintoher,or
what?

Thenhestoppedcaring.Hefumbled,foundhispenis,putitintoher,thrust.Thecorpsehookedherlegs
aroundhimandthrustback.Itfeltgood,realgood,betterthananythinghedeverdonetohimself,andin
someobscurewayhefeltproudthatshewassowetandexcited.

Itonlytookafewstrokeshewastoonew,tooyoung,tooeagertolastlong.Afewstrokeswasallhe
neededbutitwasallsheneededtoo.Theycametogether,aredflushwashingoverherskinasshe
archedagainsthimandshooksoundlessly.

Afterwardsshelayagainlikeacorpse.

Tragerwasdrainedandsatisfied,buthehadmoretimeleft,andhewasdeterminedtogethismoneys
worth.Heexploredherthoroughly,stickinghisfingerseverywheretheywouldgo,touchingher
everywhere,rollingitover,lookingateverything.Thecorpsemovedlikedeadmeat.

Heleftherashedfoundher,lyingfaceuponthebedwithherlegsapart.Meathousecourtesy.

Thehorizonwasawalloffactories,allfactories,vastbelchingfactoriesthatsentredshadowstoflick
againstthesulfurdarkskies.Theboysawbuthardlynoticed.Hewasstrappedinplacehighatophis
automill,twostoriesuponamonstermachineofcorrodingyellowpaintedmetalwithsavageteethof
diamondandduralloy,andhiseyeswereblurredwithtripleimages.Clearandstrongandhardhesawthe
controlpanelbeforehim,thewheel,thefuelfeed,thebrighthandleoftheorescoops,thebanksoflight
thatwouldtelloftroubleintherefineryunderhisfeet,thebrakeandemergencybrake.Butthatwasnot
allhesaw.Dimly,faintly,therewereechoesoverlaidimagesoftwoothercontrolcabs,almostidentical
tohis,wherecorpsehandsmovedclumsilyovertheinstruments.

Tragermovedthosehands,slowandcareful,whileanotherpartofhismindheldhisownhands,hisreal
hands,verystill.Thecorpsecontrollerhummedthinlyonhisbelt.

Oneithersideofhim,theothertwoautomillsmovedintoflankingpositions.Thecorpsehandssqueezed
thebrakesthemachinesrumbledtoahalt.Ontheedgeofthegreatslopingpit,theystoodinarow,

shabbypittedjuggernautsreadytodescendintothegloom.Thepitwasgrowingsteadilylargereachday
newlayersofrockandorewerestrippedaway.

Onceamountainrangehadstoodhere,butTragerdidnotrememberthat.

Therestwaseasy.Theautomillswerealignednow.Tomovethecrewinunisonwasacinch,anydecent
handlercoulddothat.Itwasonlywhenyouhadtokeepseveralcorpsesbusyatseveraldifferenttasks
thatthingsgottricky.Butagoodcorpsehandlercoulddothat,too.

Eightcrewswerenotunknowntoveteranseightbodieslinkedtoasinglecorpsecontrollermovedbya
singlemindandeightsynthabrains.Thedeadmenwereeachtunedtoonecontroller,andonlyonethe
handlerwhoworethatcontrollerandthoughtcorpsethoughtsinitsproximityfieldcouldmovethose
deadmenlikesecondarybodies.Orlikehisownbody.Ifhewasgoodenough.

Tragercheckedhisfiltermaskandearplugsquickly,thentouchedthefuelfeed,engaged,flickedonthe
laserknivesandthedrills.Hiscorpsesechoedhismoves,andpulsesoflightspitthroughthetwilightof
Skrakky.Eventhroughhisplugshecouldheartheawfulwhineastheorescoopsrevvedupandlowered.
Therockeatingmawofanautomillwasevenwiderthanthemachinewastall.

Rumblingandscreeching,inperfectformation,Tragerandhiscorpsecrewdescendedintothepit.
Beforetheyreachedthefactoriesonthefarsideoftheplain,tonsofmetalwouldhavebeentornfromthe
earth,meltedandrefinedandprocessed,whiletheworthlessrockwasreducedtopowderandblownout
intothealreadyunbreathableair.Hewoulddeliverfinishedsteelatdusk,onthehorizon.

Hewasagoodhandler,Tragerthoughtastheautomillsstarteddown.Butthehandlerinthemeathouse
nowshemustbeanartist.Heimaginedherdowninthecellarsomewhere,watchingeachofhercorpses
throughholosandpsicircuits,humpingthemalltopleaseherpatrons.Wasitjustaflukethen,thathis
fuckhadbeensoperfect?Orwasshealwaysthatgood?Buthow,how,tomoveadozencorpseswithout
evenbeingnearthem,tohavethemdoingdifferentthings,tokeepthemallexcited,tomatchtheneeds
andrhythmofeachcustomersoexactly?

Theairbehindhimwasblackandchokedbyrockdust,hisearswerefullofscreams,andthefarhorizon
wasagloweringredwallbeneathwhichyellowantscrawledandaterock.ButTragerkepthishardonall
acrosstheplainastheautomillshookbeneathhim.

Thecorpseswerecompanyownedtheystayedinthecompanydeadmandepot.ButTragerhadaroom,a
sliceofthespacethatwashisowninasteelandconcretewarehousewithathousandotherslices.He
onlyknewahandfulofhisneighbors,butheknewallofthemtootheywerecorpsehandlers.Itwasa
worldofsilentshadowedcorridorsandendlesscloseddoors.Thelobbylounge,allairandplastic,wasa
dustydesertedplacewherenoneofthetenantsevergathered.

Theeveningswerelongthere,thenightseternal.Tragerhadboughtextralightpanelsforhisparticular
cube,andwhenallofthemwereontheyburnedsobrightthathisinfrequentvisitorsblinkedand
complainedabouttheglare.Butalwaystherecameatimewhenhecouldreadnomore,andthenhehad
toturnthemout,andthedarknessreturnedoncemore.

Hisfather,longgoneandbarelyremembered,hadleftawealthofbooksandtapes,andTragerkeptthem
still.Theroomwaslinedwiththem,andothersstoodingreatpilesagainstthefootofthebedandon
eithersideofthebathroomdoor.InfrequentlyhewentonwithCoxandtheothers,todrinkandjokeand
prowlforrealwomen.Heimitatedthemasbesthecould,buthealwaysfeltoutofplace.Somostofhis
nightswerespentathome,readingandlisteningtothemusic,rememberingandthinking.

Thatweekhethoughtlongafterhedfadedhislightpanelsintoblack,andhisthoughtswereafrightened
jumble.Paydaywascomingagain,andCoxwouldbeafterhimtoreturntothemeathouse,andyes,yes,
hewantedto.Ithadbeengood,excitingforoncehehadfeltconfidentandvirile.Butitwassoeasy,
cheap,dirty.Therehadtobemore,didntthere?

Love,whateverthatwas?Ithadtobebetterwitharealwoman,hadto,andhewouldntfindoneofthose
inameathouse.Hedneverfoundoneoutside,either,butthenhedneverreallyhadthecouragetotry.
Buthehadtotry,hadto,orwhatsortoflifewouldheeverhave?

Beneaththecovershemasturbated,hardlythinkingofit,whileheresolvednottoreturntothemeathouse.

Butafewdayslater,Coxlaughedathimandhehadtogoalong.Somehowhefeltitwouldprove
something.

Adifferentroomthistime,adifferentcorpse.Fatandblack,withbrightorangehair,lessattractivethan
hisfirst,ifthatwaspossible.HutTragercametoherreadyandeager,andthistimehelastedlonger.
Again,theperformancewassuperb.Herrhythmmatchedhisstrokeforstroke,shecamewithhim,she
seemedtoknowexactlywhathewanted.

Othervisitstwoofthem,four,six.Hewasaregularnowatthemeathouse,alongwiththeothers,andhe
hadstoppedworryingaboutit.Coxandtheothersacceptedhiminastrangehalfheartedway,buthis
dislikeofthemhadgrown,ifanything.Hewasbetterthantheywere,hethought.Hecouldholdhisown
inameathouse,hecouldrunhiscorpsesandhisautomillsasgoodasanyofthem,andhestillthoughtand
dreamed.Intimehedleavethemallbehind,leaveSkrakky,besomething.Theywouldbemeathouse
menaslongastheywouldlive,butTragerknewhecoulddobetter.Hebelieved.Hewouldfindlove.

Hefoundnoneinthemeathouse,butthesexgotbetterandbetter,thoughitwasperfecttobeginwith.In
bedwiththecorpses,Tragerwasneverdissatisfiedhedideverythinghedeverreadabout,heardabout,
dreamtabout.Thecorpsesknewhisneedsbeforehedid.Whenheneededitslow,theywereslow.When
hewantedtohaveithardandquickandbrutal,thentheygaveittohimthatway,perfectly.Heusedevery
orificetheyhadtheyalwaysknewwhichonetopresenttohim.

Hisadmirationofthemeathousehandlergrewsteadilyformonths,untilitwasalmostworship.Perhaps
somehowhecouldmeether,hethoughtatlast.Stillaboy,stillhopelesslynaive,hewassurehewould
loveher.Thenhewouldtakeherawayfromthemeathousetoacleancorpselessworldwheretheycould
behappytogether.

Oneday,inamomentofweakness,hetoldCoxandtheothers.Coxlookedathim,shookhishead,
grinned.Somebodyelsesnickered.Thentheyallbegantolaugh.Whatanassyouare,Trager,Cox
saidatlast.Thereisnofuckinghandler!Donttellmeyouneverheardofafeedbackcircuit?

Heexplaineditall,tolaughterexplainedhoweachcorpsewastunedtoacontrollerbuiltintoitsbed,
explainedhoweachcustomerhandledhisownmeat,explainedwhynonhandlersfoundmeathouse
womendeadandstill.Andtheboyrealizedsuddenlywhythesexwasalwaysperfect.Hewasabetter
handlerthanevenhehadthought.

Thatnight,aloneinhisroomwithallthelightsburningwhiteandhot,Tragerfacedhimself.Andturned
away,sickened.Hewasgoodathisjob,hewasproudofthat,buttherest

Itwasthemeathouse,hedecided.Therewasatrapthereinthemeathouse,atrapthatcouldruinhim,
destroylifeanddreamandhope.Hewouldnotgobackitwastooeasy.HewouldshowCox,showallof
them.Hecouldtakethehardway,taketherisks,feelthepainifhehadto.Andmaybethejoy,maybethe
love.Hedgonetheotherwaytoolong.

Tragerdidnotgobacktothemeathouse.Feelingstronganddecisiveandsuperior,hewentbacktohis
room.There,asyearspassed,hereadanddreamedandwaitedforlifetobegin.

1.
WhenIWasOneandTwenty

Josiewasthefirst.

Shewasbeautiful,hadalwaysbeenbeautiful,knewshewasbeautifulallthathadshapedher,madeher
whatshewas.Shewasafreespirit.Shewasaggressive,confident,conquering.LikeTrager,shewasonly
twentywhentheymet,butshehadlivedmorethanhehad,andsheseemedtohavetheanswers.Heloved
herfromthefirst.

AndTrager?TragerbeforeJosie,butyearsbeyondthemeathouse?Hewastallernow,broadandheavy
withbothmuscleandfat,oftenmoody,silentandselfcontained.Heranafullfivecrewintheorefields,
morethanCox,morethananyofthem.Atnight,hereadbookssometimesinhisroom,sometimesinthe
lobby.Hehadlongsinceforgottenthathewenttheretomeetsomeone.Stable,solid,unemotionalthat
wasTrager.Hetouchednoone,andnoonetouchedhim.Eventhetortureshadstopped,thoughthescars
remainedinside.Tragerhardlyknewtheywerethereheneverlookedatthem.

Hefitinwellnow.Withhiscorpses.

Yetnotcompletely.Inside,thedream.Somethingbelieved,somethinghungered,somethingyearned.It
wasstrongenoughtokeephimawayfromthemeathouse,fromthevegetablelifetheothershadall
chosen.Andsometimes,onbleaklonelynights,itwouldgrowstrongerstill.

ThenTragerwouldrisefromhisemptybed,dress,andwalkthecorridorsforhourswithhishandsshoved
deepintohispocketswhilesomethingtwisted,clawedandwhimperedinhisgut.Always,beforehis
walkswereover,hewouldresolvetodosomething,tochangehislifetomorrow.Butwhentomorrow
came,thesilentgraycorridorswerehalfforgotten,thedemonshadfaded,andhehadsixroaring,shaking
automillstodriveacrossthepit.Hewouldlosehimselfinroutine,anditwouldbelongmonthsbeforethe
feelingscameagain.

ThenJosie.Theymetlikethis:

Itwasanewfield,richandunmined,avastexpanseofbrokenrockandrubblethatfilledtheplain.Low
hillsafewweeksago,butthecompanyskimmershadleveledtheareawithsystematicnuclearblast
mining,andnowtheautomillsweremovingin.Tragersfivecrewhadbeenoneofthefirst,andthe
changehadbeenexhilaratingatfirst.Theoldpithadbeenjustaboutworkedoutheretherewasanew
terraintocontendwith,bouldersandjaggedrockfragments,baseballsizedfistsofstonethatcame
shriekingatyouonthedustywind.Itallseemedexciting,dangerous.Trager,wearingaleatherjacketand
filtermaskandgogglesandearplugs,drovehissixmachinesandsixbodieswithafiercepride,reducing
boulderstopowder,clearingapathforthelatermachines,fightinghiswayyardbyyardtogetwhatever
orehecould.

Andoneday,suddenly,oneoftheeyeechoessuddenlycaughthisattention.Alightflashedredona
corpsedrivenautomill.Tragerreached,withhishands,withhismind,withfivesetsofcorpsehands.Six
machinesstopped,butstillanotherlightwentred.Thenanother,andanother.Thenthewholeboard,all
twelve.Oneofhisautomillswasout.Cursing,helookedacrosstherockfieldtowardsthemachinein
question,usedhiscorpsetogiveitakick.Thelightsstayedred.Hebeamedoutforatech.

Bythetimeshegotthereinaonemanskimmerthatlookedlikeateardropofpittedblackmetal
Tragerhadunstrapped,climbeddownthemetalringsonthesideoftheautomill,walkedacrosstherocks
towherethedeadmachinestopped.HewasjuststartingtoclimbupwhenJosiearrivedtheymetatthe
footoftheyellowmetalmountain,intheshadowofitstreads.

Shewasfieldwise,heknewatonce.Sheworeahandlerscoverall,earplugs,heavygoggles,andherface
wassmearedwithgreasetopreventdustabrasions.Butstillshewasbeautiful.

Herhairwasshort,lightbrown,cutinashagthatwasjumbledbythewindhereyes,whensheliftedthe
goggles,werebrightgreen.Shetookchargeimmediately.

Allbusiness,sheintroducedherself,askedhimafewquestions,thenopenedarepairbayandcrawled
inside,intothegutsofthedriveandtheoresmeltandtherefinery.Itdidnttakeherlongtenminutes,
maybe,andshewasbackoutside.


Dontgointhere,shesaid,tossingherhairfrominfrontofhergoggleswithaflickofherhead.
Youvegotadamperfailure.Thenukesarerunningaway.
Oh,saidTrager.Hismindwashardlyontheautomill,buthehadtomakeanimpression,madetosay
somethingintelligent.Isitgoingtoblowup?heasked,andassoonashesaiditheknewthatthat
hadntbeenintelligentatall.Ofcourseitwasntgoingtoblowuprunawaynuclearreactorsdidntwork
thatway,heknewthat.

ButJosieseemedamused.Shesmiledthefirsttimehesawherdistinctiveflashinggrinandseemed
toseehim,him,Trager,notjustacorpsehandler.No,shesaid.Itwilljustmeltitselfdown.Wont
evengethotouthere,sinceyouvegotshieldsbuiltintothewalls.Justdontgoin
there.

Allright.Pause.Whatcouldhesaynow?WhatdoIdo?

Worktherestofyourcrew,Iguess.Thismachinellhavetobescrapped.Itshouldhavebeenoverhauled
alongtimeago.Fromthelooksofit,theresbeenalotofpatchingdoneinthepast.Stupid.Itbreaks
down,itbreaksdown,itbreaksdown,andtheykeepsendingitout.Shouldrealizethatsomethingis
wrong.Afterthatmanyfailures,itssheerselfdelusiontothinkthethingsgoingtoworkrightnexttime
out.

Iguess,Tragersaid.Josiesmiledathimagain,sealedupthepanel,andstartedtoturn.

Wait,hesaid.Itcameoutbeforehecouldstopit,almostinspiteofhim.Josieturned,cockedherhead,
lookedathimquestioningly.AndTragerdrewasuddenstrengthfromthesteelandthestoneandthe
windundersulfurskies,hisdreamsseemedlessimpossible.Maybe,hethought.Maybe.Uh.ImGreg
Trager.WillIseeyouagain?

Josiegrinned.Sure.Cometonight.Shegavehimtheaddress.

Heclimbedbackintohisautomillaftershehadleft,exultinginhissixstrongbodies,allfireandlife,and
hecheweduprockwithsomethingneartojoy.Thedarkredglowinthedistancelookedalmostlikea
sunrise.

WhenhegottoJosies,hefoundfourotherpeoplethere,friendsofhers.Itwasapartyofsorts.Josie
threwalotofpartiesandTragerfromthatnightonwenttoallofthem.Josietalkedtohim,laughed
withhim,likedhim,andsuddenlyhislifewasnolongerthesame.

WithJosie,hesawpartsofSkrakkyhehadneverseenbefore,didthingshehadneverdone:

hestoodwithherinthecrowdsthatgatheredonthestreetsatnight,stoodinthedustywindandsickly
yellowlightbetweenthewindowlessconcretebuildings,stoodandbetandcheeredhimselfhoarsewhile
greasestainedmechsracedyellowrumblytractortrucksupanddownanddownandup.

hewalkedwithherthroughthestrangelysilentandwhiteandcleanundergroundoffices,andsealed
airconditionedcorridorswhereoffworldersandpapershufflersandcompanyexecutiveslivedand
worked.

heprowledtherecmallswithher,thosehugelowbuildingssolikeawarehousefromtheoutside,but
fullofcoloredlightsandgameroomsandcafeteriasandtapeshopsandendlessbarswherehandlersmade
theirrounds.

hewentwithhertodormitorygyms,wheretheywatchedhandlerslessskillfulthanhimselfsendtheir
corpsesagainsteachotherwithclumsyfists.

hesatwithherandherfriends,andtheywokedarkquiettavernswiththeirtalkandwiththeirlaughter,
andonceTragersawsomeonelookingmuchlikeCoxstaringathimfromacrosstheroom,andhesmiled
andleanedabitclosertoJosie.

Hehardlynoticedtheotherpeople,thecrowdsthatJosiesurroundedherselfwithwhentheywentouton
oneofherwildjaunts,sixofthemoreightorten,TragerwouldtellhimselfthatheandJosieweregoing
out,andthatsomeothershadcomealongwiththem.Onceinagreatwhile,thingswouldworkoutsothey
werealonetogether,atherplace,orhis.Thentheywouldtalk.Ofdistantworlds,ofpolitics,ofcorpses
andlifeonSkrakky,ofthebookstheybothconsumed,ofsportsorgamesorfriendstheyhadincommon.
Theysharedagooddeal.

TragertalkedalotwithJosie.Andneversaidaword.

Helovedher,ofcourse.Hesuspecteditthefirstmonth,andsoonhewasconvincedofit.Helovedher.
Thiswastherealthing,thethinghehadbeenwaitingfor,andithadhappenedjustasheknewitwould.

Butwithhislove:agony.Hecouldnottellher.Adozentimeshetriedthewordswouldnevercome.
Whatifshedidnotlovehimback?

Hisnightswerestillalone,inthesmallroomwiththewhitelightsandthebooksandthepain.

Hewasmorealonethanevernow,thepeaceofhisroutine,ofhishalflifewithhiscorpses,wasgone,
strippedfromhim.Bydayherodethegreatautomills,movedhiscorpses,smashedrockandmeltedore,
andinhisheadrehearsedthewordshedsaytoJosie.Anddreamedofthosethatshedspeakback.She
wastrappedtoo,hethought.Shedhadmen,ofcourse,butshedidntlovethem,shelovedhim.Butshe
couldnttellhim,anymorethanhecouldtellher.

Whenhebrokethrough,whenhefoundthewordsandthecourage,theneverythingwouldbeallright.
Eachdayhesaidthattohimself,anddugswiftanddeepintotheearth.

Butbackhome,thesurenessfaded.Then,withawfuldespair,heknewthathewaskiddinghimself.He
wasafriendtoher,nothingmore,neverwouldbemore.Whydidhelietohimself?Hedhadhints
enough.Theyhadneverbeenlovers,neverwouldbeonthefewtimeshedworkedupthecourageto
touchher,shewouldsmile,moveawayonsomepretext,sohewasneverquitesurethathewasbeing
rejected.Buthegottheidea,andinthedarkittoreathim.Hewalkedthecorridorsweeklynow,sullen,
desperate,wantingtotalktosomeonewithoutknowinghow.Andalltheoldscarswokeuptobleed
again.

Untilthenextday.Whenhewouldreturntohismachines,andbelieveagain.Hemustbelieveinhimself,
heknewthat,heshouteditoutloud.Hemuststopfeelingsorryforhimself.Hemustdosomething.He
musttellJosie.Hewould.

Andshewouldlovehim,criedtheday.

Andshewouldlaugh,thenightsreplied.

Tragerchasedherforayear,ayearofpainandpromise,thefirstyearthathehadeverlived.Onthatthe
nightfearsandthedayvoiceagreedhewasalivenow.Hewouldneverreturntotheemptinessofhis
timebeforeJosiehewouldnevergobacktothemeathouse.Thatfar,atleast,hehadcome.Hecould
change,andsomedayhewouldbestrongenoughtotellher.

Josieandtwofriendsdroppedbyhisroomthatnight,butthefriendshadtoleaveearly.Foranhourorso
theywerealone,talkingaboutnothing.Finallyshehadtogo.Tragersaidhedwalkherhome.Hekepthis
armaroundherdownthelongcorridors,andhewatchedherface,watchedtheplayoflightandshadow
onhercheeksastheywalkedfromlighttodarkness.Josie,hestarted.Hefeltsofine,sogood,sowarm,
anditcameout.Iloveyou.

Andshestopped,pulledawayfromhim,steppedback.Hermouthopened,justalittle,andsomething
flickeredinhereyes.Oh,Greg,shesaid.Softly.Sadly.No,Greg,no,dont,dont.

Andsheshookherhead.

Tremblingslightly,mouthingsilentwords,Tragerheldouthishand.Josiedidnottakeit.Hetouchedher
cheek,gently,andwordlessshespunawayfromhim.

Then,forthefirsttimeever,Tragershook.Andthetearscame.

Josietookhimtoherroom.There,sittingacrossfromeachotheronthefloor,nevertouching,theytalked.


J:knownitforalongtimetriedtodiscourageyou,Greg,butIdidntjustwanttocomerightout
andneverwantedtohurtyouagoodperson.dontworry

T:...knewitallalongthatitwouldneverliedtomyselfwantedtobelieve,evenifitwasnttrue
Imsorry,Josie,Imsorry,Imsorry,Imsorryimsorryimsorry

J:afraidyouwouldgobacktowhatyouweredontGreg,promisemecantgiveuphaveto
believe

T:why?

J:stopbelieving,thenyouhavenothingdeadyoucandobetteragoodhandlergetoff
Skrakky,findsomethingnolifeheresomeoneyouwill,youwill,justbelieve,keepon
believing

T:youloveyouforever,JosieforeverhowcanIfindsomeoneneveranyonelikeyou,
neverspecial

J:...oh,Greglotsofpeoplejustlookopen

T:(laughter)...open?...firsttimeIevertalkedtoanyone

J:talktomeagain,ifyouhavetoIcantalktoyouhadenoughlovers,everyonewantstogetto
bedwithme,betterjusttobefriends

T:...friends(laughter)(tears)...

II.

PromisesofSomeday

Thefirehadburnedoutlongago,andStevensandtheforesterhadretired,butTragerandDonellystillsat
aroundtheashesontheedgesoftheclearzone.Theytalkedsoftly,soasnottowaketheothers,yettheir
wordshunglongintherestlessnightair.Theuncutforest,standingdarkbehindthem,wasdeadstillthe
wildlifeofVendaliahadallfledthenoisethatthefleetofbuzztrucksmadeduringtheday.

...afullsixcrew,runningbuzztrucks,Iknowenoughtoknowthatsnoteasy,Donellywassaying.He
wasapale,timidyouth,likeablebutselfconsciousabouteverythinghedid.

TragerheardechoesofhimselfinDonellysstiffwords.Youddowellinthearena.

Tragernodded,thoughtful,hiseyesontheashesashemovedthemwithastick.IcametoVendaliawith
thatinmind.Wenttothegladiatorialonce,onlyonce.Thatwasenoughtochangemymind.Icouldtake
them,Iguess,butthewholeideamademesick.Outhere,well,themoneydoesntevenmatchwhatIwas
gettingonSkrakky,buttheworkis,well,clean.Youknow?

Sortof,saidDonelly.Still,youknow,itisntliketheywererealpeopleoutthereinthearena.Only
meat.Allyoucandoismakethebodiesasdeadastheminds.Thatsthelogicalwaytolookatit.

Tragerchuckled.Youretoological,Don.Yououghttofeelmore.Listen,nexttimeyoureinGidyon,
gotothegladiatorialsandtakealook.Itsugly,ugly.Corpsesstumblingaroundwithaxesandswords
andmorningstars,hackingandhewingateachother.Butchery,thatsallitis.Andtheaudience,theway
theycheerateachblow.Andlaugh.Theylaugh,Don!No.Heshookhishead,sharply.No.

Donellyneverabandonedanargument.Butwhynot?Idontunderstand,Greg.Youdbegoodatit,the
best.Iveseenthewayyouworkyourcrew.

Tragerlookedup,studiedDonellybrieflywhiletheyouthsatquietly,waiting.Josieswordcameback
open,beopen.TheoldTrager,theTragerwholivedfriendlessandaloneandclosedinsideaSkrakky
handlersdorm,wasgone.Hehadgrown,changed.

Therewasagirl,hesaid,slowly,withmeasuredwords.Opening.BackonSkrakky,Don,therewasa
girlIloved.It,well,itdidntworkout.ThatswhyImhere,Iguess.Imlookingforsomeoneelse,for
somethingbetter.Thatsallpartofit,yousee.Hestopped,paused,triedtothinkhiswordsout.Thisgirl,
Josie,Iwantedhertoloveme.Youknow.Thewordscamehard.Admireme,allthatstuff.Now,yeah,
sure,Icoulddogoodrunningcorpsesinthearena.ButJosiecouldneverlovesomeonewhohadajoblike
that.Shesgonenow,ofcourse,butstillthekindofpersonImlookingfor,Icouldntfindthemasan
arenacorpsemaster.

Hestoodup,abruptly.Idontknow.Thatswhatsimportant,though,tome.Josie,somebodylikeher,
someday.Soon,Ihope.

Donellysatquietinthemoonlight,chewinghislip,notlookingatTrager,hislogicsuddenlyuseless.

WhileTrager,hiscorridorslonggone,walkedoffaloneintothewoods.

Theyhadatightknitgroupthreehandlers,aforester,thirteencorpses.Eachdaytheydrovetheforest
back,withTragerintheforefront.AgainsttheVendalianwilderness,againsttheblackbriarsandthehard
grayironspiketreesandthebulbousrubberysnaplimbs,againstthetangledhostileforest,hewouldthrow
hissixcrewandtheirbuzztrucks.SmallerthantheautomillshedrunonSkrakky,fastandairborne,
complexanddemanding,thosewerebuzztrucks.Tragerransixofthemwithcorpsehands,aseventhwith
hisown.Beforehisscreamingbladesandlaserknives,thewallofwildernessfelleachday.Donellycame
behindhim,pushingthreeofthemountainsizedrollingmills,toturnthefallentreesintolumberfor
GidyonandothercitiesofVendalia.ThenStevens,thethirdhandler,withaflamecannontoburndown

stumpsandmeltrocks,andthesoilpumpsthatwouldreadythefreshclearlandforfarming.Theforester
wastheirforeman.Theprocedurewasascience.

Clean,hard,demandingworkTragerthrivedonitbyday.Hegrewlean,almostathleticthelinesofhis
facetightenedandtanned,hegrewsteadilybrownerunderVendaliashotbrightsun.Hiscorpseswere
almostpartofhim,soeasilydidhemovethem,flytheirbuzztrucks.Asanordinarymanmightmovea
hand,afoot.Sometimeshiscontrolgrewsofirm,theechoessoclearandstrong,thatTragerfelthewas
notahandlerworkingacrewatall,butratheramanwithsevenbodies.Sevenstrongbodiesthatrodethe
sultryforestwinds.Heexultedintheirsweat.

Andtheevenings,afterworkceased,theyweregoodtoo.Tragerfoundasortofpeacethere,asenseof
belonginghehadneverknownonSkrakky.TheVendalianforesters,rotatedbackandforthfromGidyon,
weredecentenough,andfriendly.Stevenswasaheartyslabofamanwhoseldomstoppedjokinglong
enoughtotalkaboutanythingserious.Trageralwaysfoundhimamusing.AndDonelly,the
selfconsciousyouth,thequietlogicalvoice,hebecameafriend.Hewasagoodlistener,empathetic,
compassionate,andthenewopenTragerwasagoodtalker.SomethingclosetoenvyshoneinDonellys
eyeswhenTragerspokeofJosieandexorcisedhissoul.AndTragerknew,orthoughtheknew,that
Donellywashimself,theoldTrager,theonebeforeJosiewhocouldnotfindthewords.Intime,though,
afterdaysandweeksoftalking,Donellyfoundhiswords.ThenTragerlistened,andsharedanothers
pain.Andhefeltgoodaboutit.Hewashelpinghewaslendingstrengthhewasneeded.

Eachnightaroundtheashes,thetwomentradeddreams.Andwoveahopefultapestryofpromises
andlies.

Yetstillthenightswouldcome.

Thoseweretheworsttimes,asalwaysthosewerethehoursofTragerslonglonelywalks.IfJosiehad
givenTragermuch,shehadtakensomethingtooshehadtakenthecuriousdeadnesshehadoncehad,the
trickofnotthinking,thepainblotterofhismind.OnSkrakky,hehadwalkedthecorridorsinfrequently,
theforestknewhimfarmoreoften.Afterthetalkingallhadstopped,afterDonellyhadgonetobed,that
waswhenitwouldhappen,whenJosiewouldcometohiminthelonelinessofhistent.Athousandnights
helaytherewithhishandshookedbehindhishead,staringattheplastictentfilmwhileherelivedthe
nighthedtoldher.Athousandtimeshetouchedhercheek,andsawherspinaway.

Hewouldthinkofit,andfightit,andlose.Then,restless,hewouldriseandgooutside.Hewouldwalk
acrossthecleararea,intothesilentloomingforest,brushingasidelowbranchesandtrippingonthe
underbrushhewouldwalkuntilhefoundwater.Thenhewouldsitdown,byascumchokedlakeora
gurglingstreamthatranswiftandoilyinthemoonlight.Hewouldflingrocksintothewater,hurlthem
hardandflatintothenighttohearthemwhentheysplashed.

Hewouldsitforhours,throwingrocksandthinking,tillfinallyhecouldconvincehimselfthesunwould
rise.


Gidyonthecity,theheartofVendalia,andthroughitofSlaggandSkrakkyandNewPittsburgandallthe
othercorpseworlds,theharshuglyplaceswheremenwouldnotworkandcorpseshadto.Greattowersof
blackandsilvermetal,floatingaerialsculpturethatflashedinthesunlightandshonesoftlyatnight,the
vastbustlingspaceportwherefreightersroseandfelloninvisiblefirewands,mallswherethepavement
waspolished,ironspikewoodthatgleamedagentlegray,Gidyon.

Thecitywiththerot.Thecorpsecity.Themeatmart.

Forthefreighterscarriedcargoesofmen,criminalsandderelictsandtroublemakersfromadozenworlds
boughtwithhardVendaliancash(andthereweredarkerrumors,oflinersthathadvanishedmysteriously
onroutinetouristhops).Andthesoaringtowerswerehospitalsandcorpseyards,wheremenandwomen
diedanddeadmenwereborntowalkanew.Andallalongtheironspikeboardwalkswerecorpsesellers
shopsandmeathouses.

ThemeathousesofVendaliawerefarfamed.Thecorpseswereguaranteedbeautiful.

Tragersatacrossfromone,ontheothersideofthewidegrayavenue,undertheumbrellaofanoutdoor
cafe.Hesippedabittersweetwine,thoughtabouthowhisleavehadevaporatedtooquickly,andtriedto
keephiseyesfromwanderingacrossthestreet.Thewinewaswarmonhistongue,andhiseyeswerevery
restless.

Upanddowntheavenue,betweenhimandthemeathouse,strangersmoved.Darkfacedcorpsehandlers
fromVendalia,Skrakky,Slaggpudgymerchants,gawkingtouristsfromtheCleanWorldslikeOldEarth
andZephyr,anddozensofquestionmarkswhosenamesandoccupationsanderrandsTragerwouldnever
know.Sittingthere,drinkinghiswineandwatching,Tragerfeltutterlycutoff.Hecouldnottouchthese
people,couldnotreachthemhedidntknowhow,itwasntpossible,itwouldntwork.Hecouldriseand
walkoutintothestreetandgrabone,andstilltheywouldnottouch.Thestrangerwouldonlypullfree
andrun.

Allhisleavelikethat,allofithedrunthroughallthebarsofGidyon,forcedathousandcontacts,and
nothinghadclicked.

Hiswinewasgone.Tragerlookedattheglassdully,turningitinhishands,blinking.Then,abruptly,he
stoodupandpaidhisbill.Hishandstrembled.

Ithadbeensomanyyears,hethoughtashestartedacrossthestreet.Josie,hethought,forgiveme.

Tragerreturnedtothewildernesscamp,andhiscorpsesflewtheirbuzztruckslikemengonewild.Buthe
wasstrangelysilentaroundthecampfire,andhedidnottalktoDonellyatnight.Untilfinally,hurtand
puzzled,Donellyfollowedhimintotheforest.Andfoundhimbyalanguiddeathdarkstream,sittingon
thebankwithapileofthrowingstonesathisfeet.

T:wentinafterallIsaid,allIpromisedstillIwentin

D:nothingtoworryrememberwhatyoutoldmekeeponbelieving

T:didbelieve,DIDnodifficultiesJosie

D:yousayIshouldntgiveup,youbetternotrepeateverythingyoutoldme,everythingJosietold
youeverybodyfindssomeoneiftheykeeplookinggiveup,deadallyouneedopenness
couragetolookstopfeelingsorryforyourselftoldmethatahundredtimes

T:...fuckingloteasiertotellyouthandoitmyselfD:Gregnotameathousemanadreamer
betterthantheyare

T:(sighing)yeahhard,thoughwhydoIdothistomyself?...

D:...ratherbelikeyouwere?nothurting,notliving?likeme?T:...nonoyoureright

2.
ThePilgrim,UpandDown

HernamewasLaurel.ShewasnothinglikeJosie,saveinonethingalone.Tragerlovedher.

Pretty?Tragerdidntthinkso,notatfirst.Shewastootall,ahalffoottallerthanhewas,andshewasa
bitontheheavyside,andmorethanabitontheawkwardside.Herhairwasherbestfeature,herhairthat
wasredbrowninwinterandglowingblondeinsummer,thatfelllongandstraightdownpasther
shouldersanddidwildbeautifulthingsinthewind.Butshewasnotbeautiful,nottheway.Josiehadbeen
beautiful.Although,oddly,shegrewmorebeautifulwithtime,andmaybethatwasbecauseshewas
losingweight,andmaybethatwasbecauseTragerwasfallinginlovewithherandseeingherthrough
kindereyes,andmaybethatwasbecausehetoldhershewasprettyandtheverytellingmadeitso.Justas
Laureltoldhimhewaswise,andherbeliefgavehimwisdom.Whateverthereason,Laurelwasvery
beautifulindeedafterhehadknownherforatime.

Shewasfiveyearsyoungerthanhe,cleanscrubbedandinnocent,shywhereJosiehadbeenassertive.She
wasintelligent,romantic,adreamer,shewaswondrouslyfreshandeager,shewaspainfullyinsecure,and
fullofhungryneed.

ShewasnewtoGidyon,freshfromtheVendalianoutback,astudentforester.Trager,onleaveagain,was
visitingtheforestrycollegetosayhellotoateacherwhodonceworkedwithhiscrew.Theymetinthe
teachersoffice.TragerhadtwoweeksfreeinacityofstrangersandmeathousesLaurelwasalone.He
showedhertheglitteringdecadenceofGidyon,feelingsmoothandsophisticated,andshewassuitably
impressed.

Twoweekswentquickly.Theycametothelastnight.Trager,suddenlyafraid,tookhertotheparkbythe
riverthatranthroughGidyonandtheysattogetheronthelowstonewallbythewatersedge.Close,not
touching.

Timerunstoofast,hesaid.Hehadastoneinhishand.Henickeditoutoverthewater,flatandhard.
Thoughtfully,hewatcheditsplashandsinkThenhelookedather.Imnervous,hesaid,laughing.I
Laurel.Idontwanttoleave.

Herfacewasunreadable(wary?).Thecityisnice,sheagreed.

Tragershookhisheadviolently.No.No!Notthecity,you.Laurel,IthinkIwell

Laurelsmiledforhim.Hereyeswerebright,veryhappy.Iknow,shesaid.

Tragercouldhardlybelieveit.Hereachedout,touchedhercheek.Sheturnedherheadandkissedhis
hand.Theysmiledateachother.

Heflewbacktotheforestcamptoquit.Don,Don,youvegottomeether,heshouted.See,youcando
it,didit,justkeepbelieving,keeptrying.Ifeelsogoddamngooditsobscene.

Donelly,stiffandlogical,smiledforhim,atalossashowtohandlesuchafloodofhappiness.Whatwill
youdo?heasked,alittleawkwardly.Thearena?

Tragerlaughed.Hardly,youknowhowIfeel.Butsomethinglikethat.Theresatheatrenearthe
spaceport,putsonpantomimewithcorpseactors.Ivegotajobthere.Thepayisrotten,butIllbenear
Laurel.Thatsallthatmatters.

Theyhardlysleptatnight.Insteadtheytalkedandcuddledandmadelove.Thelovemakingwasajoy,a
game,agloriousdiscovery,neverasgoodtechnicallyasthemeathouse,butTragerhardlycared.He
taughthertobeopen.Hetoldhereverysecrethehad,andwishedhehadmoresecrets.

PoorJosie,Laurelwouldoftensayatnight,herbodywarmagainsthis.Shedoesntknowwhatshe
missed.Imlucky.Therecouldntbeanyoneelselikeyou.

No,saidTrager,Imlucky.

Theywouldargueaboutit,laughing.

DonellycametoGidyonandjoinedthetheatre.WithoutTrager,theforestworkhadbeennofun,hesaid.
Thethreeofthemspentalotoftimetogether,andTragerglowed.Hewantedtosharehisfriendswith

Laurel,andhedalreadymentionedDonellyalot.AndhewantedDonellytoseehowhappyhed
become,toseewhatbeliefcouldaccomplish.

Ilikeher,Donellysaid,smiling,thefirstnightafterLaurelhadleft.

Good,Tragerreplied,nodding.

No,saidDonelly.Greg,Ireallylikeher.

Theyspentalotoftimetogether.

Greg,Laurelsaidonenightinbed.IthinkthatDoniswell,afterme.Youknow.

Tragerrolledoverandproppedhisheaduponhiselbow.God,hesaid.Hesoundedconcerned.

Idontknowhowtohandleit.

Carefully,Tragersaid.Hesveryvulnerable.Youreprobablythefirstwomanheseverbeen
interestedin.Dontbetoohardonhim.HeshouldnthavetogothroughthestuffIwentthrough,you
know?

Thesexwasneverasgoodasameathouse.And,afterawhile,Laurelbegantoclose.Moreandmore
nightsnowshewenttosleepaftertheymadelovethedayswhentheytalkedtilldawnweregone.
Perhapstheyhadnothinglefttosay.Tragerhadnoticedthatshehadatendencytofinishhisstoriesfor
him.Itwasnearlyimpossibletocomeupwithonehehadntalreadytoldher.

Hesaidthat?Tragergotoutofbed,turnedonalight,andsatdownfrowning.Laurelpulledthecovers
uptoherchin.Well,whatdidyousay?

Shehesitated.Icanttellyou.ItsbetweenDonandme.Hesaiditwasntfair,thewayIturnaroundand
tellyoueverythingthatgoesonbetweenus,andhesright.

Right!ButItellyoueverything.Dontyourememberwhatwe

Iknow,but

Tragershookhishead.Hisvoicelostsomeofitsanger.Whatsgoingon,Laurel,huh?Imscared,allof
asudden.Iloveyou,remember?Howcaneverythingchangesofast?

Herfacesoftened.Shesatup,andheldoutherarms,andthecoversfellbackfromfullsoftbreasts.

Oh,Greg,shesaid.Dontworry.Iloveyou,Ialwayswill,butitsjustthatIlovehimtoo,Iguess.
Youknow?


Trager,mollified,cameintoherarms,andkissedherwithfervor.Then,suddenly,hebrokeoff.

Hey,hesaid,withmocksternnesstohidethetremblinginhisvoice,whodoyoulovemore?

You,ofcourse,alwaysyou.

Smiling,hereturnedtothekiss.

Iknowyouknow,Donellysaid.Iguesswehavetotalkaboutit.

Tragernodded.Theywerebackstageinthetheatre.Threeofhiscorpseswalkedupbehindhim,andstood
armscrossed,likeaguard.Allright.HelookedstraightatDonelly,andhisfacesmilinguntilthe
otherswordswassuddenlystern.

LaurelaskedmetopretendIdidntknowanything.Shesaidyoufeltguilty.Butpretendingwasquitea
strain,Don.Iguessitstimewegoteverythingoutintheopen.Donellyspaleblueeyesshiftedtothe
floor,andhestuckhishandsintohispockets.Idontwanttohurtyou,hesaid.

Thendont.

ButImnotgoingtopretendImdead,either.Imnot.Ilovehertoo.

Youresupposedtobemyfriend,Don.Lovesomeoneelse.Yourejustgoingtogetyourselfhurtthis
way.

Ihavemoreincommonwithherthanyoudo.

Tragerjuststared.

Donellylookedupathim.Then,abashed,backdownagain.Idontknow.Oh,Greg.Shelovesyoumore
anyway,shesaidso.Inevershouldhaveexpectedanythingelse.IfeellikeIvestabbedyouintheback.
I

Tragerwatchedhim.Finally,helaughedsoftly.Oh,shit,Icanttakethis.Look,Don,youhavent
stabbedme,cmon,donttalklikethat.Iguess,ifyouloveher,thisisthewayitsgottobe,youknow.I
justhopeeverythingcomesoutallright.

Laterthatnight,inbedwithLaurelImworriedabouthim,hetoldher.


Hisface,oncetanned,nowashen.Laurel?hesaid.Notbelieving.

Idontloveyouanymore.Imsorry.Idont.Itseemedrealatthetime,butnowitsalmostlikeadream.
IdontevenknowifIeverlovedyou,really.

Don,hesaidwoodenly.

Laurelflushed.DontsayanythingbadaboutDon.Imtiredofhearingyourunhimdown.Henever
saysanythingexceptgoodaboutyou.

Oh,Laurel.Dontyouremember?Thethingswesaid,thewaywefelt?Imthesamepersonyousaid
thosewordsto.

ButIvegrown,Laurelsaid,hardandtearless,tossingherredgoldhair.Irememberperfectlywell,
butIjustdontfeelthatwayanymore.

Dont,hesaid.Hereachedforher.

Shesteppedback.Keepyourhandsoffme.Itoldyou,Greg,itsover.Youhavetoleavenow.Donis
comingby.

ItwasworsethanJosie.Athousandtimesworse.

III.

Wanderings

Hetriedtokeeponatthetheatreheenjoyedthework,hehadfriendsthere.Butitwasimpossible.
Donellywasthereeveryday,smilingandbeingfriendly,andsometimesLaurelcametomeethim
afterthedaysshowandtheywentofftogether,arminarm.Tragerwouldstandandwatch,trynotto
notice.Whilethetwistedthinginsidehimshriekedandclawed.

Hequit.Hewouldnotseethemagain.Hewouldkeephispride.

TheskywasbrightwiththelightsofGidyonandfulloflaughter,butitwasdarkandquietinthepark.
Tragerstoodstiffagainstatree,hiseyesontheriver,hishandsfoldedtightlyagainsthischest.Hewasa
statue.Hehardlyseemedtobreathe.Notevenhiseyesmoved.

Kneelingnearthelowwall,thecorpsepoundeduntilthestonewasslickwithbloodanditshandswere
mangledclotsoftornmeat.Thesoundsoftheblowsweredullandwet,butfortheinfrequentscrapingof
boneagainstrock.

Theymadehimpayfirst,beforehecouldevenenterthebooth.Thenhesatthereforanhourwhilethey
foundherandpunchedthrough.Finally,though,finally,Josie.

Greg,shesaid,grinningherdistinctivegrin.Ishouldhaveknown.Whoelsewouldcallalltheway
fromVendalia?Howareyou?

Hetoldher.

Hergrinvanished.Oh,Greg,shesaid.Imsorry.Butdontletitgettoyou.Keepgoing.Thenextone
willworkoutbetter.Theyalwaysdo.

Herwordsdidntsatisfyhim.Josie,hesaid,Howarethingsbackthere?Youmissme?

Oh,sure.Thingsareprettygood.ItsstillSkrakky,though.Staywhereyouare,yourebetteroff.She
lookedoffscreen,thenback.Ishouldgo,beforeyourbillgetsenormous.Gladyoucalled,love.

Josie,Tragerstarted.Butthescreenwasalreadydark.

Sometimes,atnight,hecouldnthelphimself.HewouldmovetohishomescreenandringLaurel.
Invariablyhereyeswouldnarrowwhenshesawwhoitwas.Thenshewouldhangup.AndTragerwould
sitinadarkroomandrecallhowoncethesoundofhisvoicemadehersovery,veryhappy.

ThestreetsofGidyonarenotthebestofplacesforlonelymidnightwalks.Theyarebrightlylit,evenin
thedarkesthours,andjammedwithmenanddeadmen.Andtherearemeathouses,allupanddownthe
boulevardsandtheironspikeboardwalks.

Josieswordshadlosttheirpower.Inthemeathouses,Tragerabandoneddreamsandfoundcheapsolace.
ThesensuouseveningswithLaurelandthefumblingsexofhisboyhoodwerethingsofyesterday,Trager
tookhismeatmateshardandquick,almostbrutally,fuckedthemwithawordlesssavagepowertothe
inevitableperfectorgasm.Sometimes,rememberingthetheatre,hewouldhavethemactoutshorterotic
playletstogethiminthemood.

Inthenight.Agony.

Hewasinthecorridorsagain,thelowdimcorridorsofthecorpsehandlersdormonSkrakky,butnowthe
corridorsweretwistedandtorturousandTragerhadlongsincelosthisway.Theairwasthickwitha
rottinggrayhaze,andgrowingthicker.Soon,hefeared,hewouldbeallbutblind.

Aroundandaroundhewalked,upanddown,butalwaystherewasmorecorridor,andallofthemled
nowhere.Thedoorsweregrimblackrectangles,knobless,lockedtohimforeverhepassedthemby
withoutthinking,mostofthem.Onceortwice,though,hepaused,beforedoorswherelightleakedaround

theframe.Hewouldlisten,andinsidethereweresounds,andthenhewouldbegintoknockwildly.But
nooneeveranswered.

Sohewouldmoveon,throughthehazethatgotdarkerandthickerandseemedtoburnhisskin,pastdoor
afterdoorafterdoor,untilhewasweepingandhisfeetweretiredandbloody.Andthen,offaways,down
alonglongcorridorthatloomedstraightbeforehim,hewouldseeanopendoor.Fromitcamelightso
hotandwhiteithurttheeyes,andmusicbrightandjoyful,andthesoundsofpeoplelaughing.Then
Tragerwouldrun,thoughhisfeetwererawbundlesofpainandhislungsburnedwiththehazehewas
breathing.Hewouldrunandrununtilhereachedtheroomwiththeopendoor.

Onlywhenhegotthere,itwashisroom,anditwasempty.

Once,inthemiddleoftheirbrieftimetogether,theydgoneoutintothewildernessandmadelove
underthestars.Afterwardsshehadsnuggledhardagainsthim,andhestrokedhergently.

Whatareyouthinking?heasked.

Aboutus,Laurelsaid.Sheshivered.Thewindwasbriskandcold.SometimesIgetscared,Greg.
Imsoafraidsomethingwillhappentous,somethingthatwillruinit.Idonteverwantyoutoleave
me.
Dontworry,hetoldher.Iwont.

Now,eachnightbeforesleepcame,hetorturedhimselfwithherwords.Thegoodmemorieslefthimwith
ashesandtearsthebadoneswithawordlessrage.

Hesleptwithaghostbesidehim,asupernaturallybeautifulghost,thehuskofadeaddream.Hewoketo
hereachmorning.

Hehatedthem.Hehatedhimselfforhating.

3.
DuvaliersDream

Hernamedoesnotmatter.Herlooksarenotimportant.Allthatcountsisthatshewas,thatTragertried
again,thatheforcedhimselfonandmadehimselfbelieveanddidntgiveup.Hetried.

Butsomethingwasmissing.Magic?

Thewordswerethesame.

Howmanytimescanyouspeakthem,Tragerwondered,speakthemandbelievethem,likeyoubelieved
themthefirsttimeyousaidthem?Once?Twice?Threetimes,maybe?Orahundred?Andthepeoplewho
sayitahundredtimes,aretheyreallysomuchbetteratloving?

Oronlyatfoolingthemselves?Arenttheyreallypeoplewholongagoabandonedthedream,whouseits
nameforsomethingelse?

Hesaidthewords,holdingher,cradlingherandkissingher.Hesaidthewords,withaknowledgethat
wassurerandheavierandmoredeadthananybelief.Hesaidthewordsandtried,butnolongercouldhe
meanthem.

Andshesaidthewordsback,andTragerrealizedthattheymeantnothingtohim.Overandoveragain
theysaidthethingseachwantedtohear,andbothofthemknewtheywerepretending.

Theytriedhard.Butwhenhereachedout,likeanactorcaughtinhisrole,doomedtoplayoutthesame
partoverandoveragain,whenhereachedouthishandandtouchedhercheektheskinwassmooth
andsoftandlovely.Andwetwithtears.

IV.

Echoes

Idontwanttohurtyou,saidDonelly,shufflingandlookingguilty,untilTragerfeltashamedfor
havinghurtafriend.

Hetouchedhercheek,andshespunawayfromhim.

Ineverwantedtohurtyou,Josiesaid,andTragerwassad.Shehadgivenhimsomuchhedonlymade
herguilty.Yes,hewashurt,butastrongermanwouldneverhaveletherknow.

Hetouchedhercheek,andshekissedhishand.

Imsorry,Idont,Laurelsaid.AndTragerwaslost.Whathadhedone,wherewashisfault,howhadhe
ruinedit?Shehadbeensosure.Theyhadhadsomuch.

Hetouchedhercheek,andshewept.

Howmanytimescanyouspeakthem,hisvoiceechoed,speakthemandbelievethem,likeyoubelieved
themthefirsttimeyousaidthem?

Thewindwasdarkanddustheavy,theskythrobbedpainfullywithflickeringscarletflame.Inthepit,in
thedarkness,stoodayoungwomanwithgogglesandafiltermaskandshortbrownhairandanswers.

Itbreaksdown,itbreaksdown,itbreaksdown,andtheykeepsendingitout,shesaid.Shouldrealize
thatsomethingiswrong.Afterthatmanyfailures,itssheerselfdelusiontothinkthethingsgoingto
workrightnexttimeout.

Theenemycorpseishugeandblack,itstorsoripplingwithmuscle,aproductofmonthsofexercise,the
biggestthingthatTragerhaseverfaced.Itadvancesacrossthesawdustinaslow,clumsycrouch,holding
thegleamingbroadswordinonehand.Tragerwatchesitcomefromhischairatoponeendofthefighting
arena.Theothercorpsemasteriscareful,cautious.

Hisowndeadman,awiryblond,standsandwaits,aMorningstartrailingdowninthebloodsoakedarena
dust.Tragerwillmovehimfastenoughandwellenoughwhenthetimeisright.

Theenemyknowsit,andthecrowd.

Theblackcorpsesuddenlyliftsitsbroadswordandscramblesforwardinarun,hopingtousereachand
speedtogetitskill.ButTragerscorpseisnolongertherewhentheenemysmeasuredblowcutstheair
wherehehadbeen.

Sittingcomfortablyabovethefightingpit/downinthearena,hisfeetgrimywithbloodandsawdust
Trager/thecorpsesnapsthecommand/swingsthemorningstarandthegreatstuddedballdriftsupand
around,almostlazily,almostgracefully.Intothebackoftheenemyshead,ashetriestorecoverandturn.
Aflowerofbloodandbrainbloomsswiftandsudden,andthecrowdcheers.Tragerwalkshiscorpse
fromthearena,thenstandstoreceiveapplause.Itishistenthkill.

Soonthechampionshipwillbehis.Heisbuildingsucharecordthattheycannolongerdenyhima
match.

Sheisbeautiful,hislady,hislove.Herhairisshortandblonde,herbodyveryslim,graceful,almost
athletic,withtrimlegsandsmallhardbreasts.Hereyesarebrightgreen,andtheyalwayswelcomehim.
Andthereisastrangeeroticinnocenceinhersmile.

Shewaitsforhiminbed,waitsforhisreturnfromthearena,waitsforhimeagerandplayfulandloving.
Whenheenters,sheissittingup,smilingforhim,thecoversbunchedaroundherwaist.Fromthedoorhe
admireshernipples.

Awareofhiseyes,shy,shecoversherbreastsandblushes.Tragerknowsitisallfalsemodesty,all
playing.Hemovestothebedside,sits,reachesouttostrokehercheek.Herskinisverysoftshenuzzles
againsthishandasitbrushesher.ThenTragerdrawsherhandsaside,plantsonegentlekissoneach
breast,andanotsogentlekissonhermouth.Shekissesback,withardortheirtonguesdance.

Theymakelove,heandshe,slowandsensuous,lockedtogetherinalovingembracethatgoesonandon.
Twobodiesmoveflawlesslyinperfectrhythm,eachknowingtheothersneeds.

Tragerthrusts,andhisotherbodymeetsthethrusts.Hereaches,andherhandisthere.Theycome
together(always,always,bothorgasmstriggeredbythehandlersbrain),andabrightredflushburnson
herbreastsandearlobes.Theykiss.

Afterwards,hetalkstoher,hislove,hislady.Youshouldalwaystalkafterwardshelearnedthatlong
ago.

Yourelucky,hetellshersometimes,andshesnugglesuptohimandplantstinykissesallacrosshis
chest.Verylucky.Theylietoyououtthere,love.Theyteachyouasillyshiningdreamandtheytellyou
tobelieveandchaseitandtheytellyouthatforyou,foreveryone,thereissomeone.Butitsallwrong.
Theuniverseisntfair,itneverhasbeen,sowhydotheytellyouso?Yourunafterthephantom,andlose,
andtheytellyounexttime,butitsallrot,allemptyrot.Nobodyeverfindsthedreamatall,theyjustkid
themselves,trickthemselvessotheycangoonbelieving.Itsjustaclutchingliethatdesperatepeopletell
eachother,hopingtoconvincethemselves.

Butthenhecanttalkanymore,forherkisseshavegonelowerandlower,andnowshetakeshiminher
mouth.AndTragersmilesathisloveandgentlystrokesherhair.

Ofallthebrightcruelliestheytellyou,thecrudestistheonecalledlove.