I trusted you (and pretty quickly) and then you completely break my

trust. Now Im afraid to trust people as much and as quickly as I did.

And its unfair, to me, and to those I will meet in the future. And Ill do
what you did to me and base next experiences on past experience. Its
not fair to thrust trust issues upon me. Im a pretty open person and
now not being able to do that compromises who I am.
Remember all those times wed say whats wrong with you? There has
to be something wrong with you, you cant be this perfect? Well, I
guess I just found whats wrong with you.
You were afraid to get hurt and I was afraid to hurt unintentionally and
it happens that I get hurt.
I cant even say I wish Id never met you because I actually dont regret
my time spent with you. It was good and felt true. The problem is that
it was too good to be true. I only regret how you handled it and what
you did in regards to the effect on my time and emotional
commitment. I cant even say it feels like time wasted because I was
really happy, but I also can because of how hurt I am now.
This may all sound dramatic but its pretty big in comparison to whats
going on in my life now. I honestly feel like Im losing a part of me, and
a friend. Most of my time for a while was spent on you and all of the
sudden Im cut off on your terms. You decided it was a breakup without
even giving me a chance to talk and communicate with you. You didnt
even communicate well with me, even the breakup. Via text? Pathetic!
And then you just go along with the next girl because you and only you
knew you had broken this. You didnt even fight for me. If you really
cared youd be selfish and stay with me even if you couldnt give me
your full time. Youre using it as an excuse, a way out of what you did.
You just were done and didnt want to be with me or fix anything. And
why tell me when I confronted you that you did want to be with me?
You were just trying to not feel guilty about completely dumping me?
You were playing me? You cried in my arms and you made me feel
sorry. Thats really fucked up and shitty. You hugged me. You made me
feel like there was still hope but whilst your words hinted at some glint
of promise your actions fell so short they were inexistent. You did
nothing. You didnt talk to me. You just ask friend if Im ok and care
from afar so you can feel less guilty about hurting me. So you can
make sure I am not still choking on my own breath but not be involved
with me directly or go through the same talk. You didnt want to keep
talking it out not because it hurt you that you wouldnt be with me, but
because you made it seem that I was nagging and going on about it.
And because you felt guilty. And not the normal guilt. The guilt of
having been caught. You never would have told me you hooked up with

some chick had I not seen that picture on snapchat. And tell me, who
the fuck posts a picture of a hookup? I dont care if she was upset you
werent on her story (or if it was the other way around)? You knew my
friend would see it and tell me. And even if she didnt thats still not
right. We hadnt talked stuff out since the fight or come to any
settlement. You even humiliated me by doing so. People thought we
were going out and you post a picture not only of a girl in only a shirt,
but your happy ass face, the word bae (and who calls a hookup a bae),
and a heart. Thats disgusting. And whats even more disgusting? You
saying you didnt have sex with her because she was on her period,
you didnt have a condom, and her roommate was there. I am not in
any of those reasons. Not one. And I still dont believe you didnt fuck
her. And even if it was just a hookup, thats fucked up. How can you
even think of another girl right after being with someone? Did you see
how I was after us? I couldnt and cant think about anyone else. I cried
for 2 and a half days straight and still cry. I didnt eat for a day and a
half. I felt sick and nauseous looking at food, even if I didnt look at it. I
was in physical pain constantly. I felt almost depressed. And you can do
that the next day. It was not a mistake or a distraction because you
were so upset about me. It was a choice. You were horny and didnt
care about anyone else but yourself. You didnt even talk the breakup
over with me, or give yourself time to make it work with me or get over
me.
And then I find out you were sleeping with other girls while we were
dating? I want to believe you didnt but Easton talked to you before
you left on your motorcycle. You were flashing a condom and bragging
about how you were going to go some chicks house. And you even
had the nerve to tell him you used Tinder to fuck or hookup with girls.
Thats absolutely sick. What I dont get is why you dont own up to it?
Youll feel humiliated, guilty? You dont want to keep talking to me
about what happened? And whats also messed up is how quickly
youve moved on. I know it was my first relationship and everything
but I still was emotional invested and you seemed so too. We shared a
lot, and maybe not your past but we shared a lot. Intimacy is a big
step, you said it yourself that you did it with emotion. I cant believe
you never felt anything. I dont believe it. You cant be that good of a
liar. I dont know how you felt or anything I just think your mind
changed or something because I am sure you really liked me in the
beginning. You actually like me more to begin with and you wrote that
note. It kills me every time I think about it. You would make me your
girlfriend or die trying. You fucking prick. What happened?
And in regards to you moving on so quickly: you used to save me seats
in psych even if I was late. And you stopped even at the end of our
dating. You then found a spot you always sit at. With a different girl

every time. And I know our professor is funny but you laugh and laugh
and whisper to her and touch arms and laugh. I was so unhappy I
couldnt think in that class, let alone laugh. And it hurts that you seem
so happy. And it hurt that I know you know I always go to my bike after
my class yet you dont try to talk to me after. It hurts that you now
walk a different route back so you dont have to see me. It hurts that
you walk back with different girls all the time, touching, laughing your
fucking ass off. It hurts that you seem so put together and clean cut
now. I was a wreck, still am. For 2 days my eyes were swollen and my
face was red from crying, and I looked like I got dressed with my eyes
shut. You still maintain your appearance for other girls. I cant even
think about other guys. And I saw you today walk back with another
girl. I dont care if most of your friends are girls. You know Im in your
class and you should not act like that. Especially cause I just know
theyre not all just friends. You walked a different route. Not past the
sub. I couldnt not notice. But you could. I biked right past you stabbing
you with my eyes, or at least trying to. You never even saw me. You
walked with her. Not even in the directions of your dorm. It seemed like
you were going to the library. Who knows? Maybe you went to her car.
Maybe you went to La Po another route. Maybe you did go to your
dorm just not the same way and without me seeing you. You dont
even try to be stealthy. And thats when I know you dont care about
having hurt me. Youre not guilty for shit. I knew you didnt care about
me in the end (although you did to begin with it seemed...all of this
being assumption unfortunately) after we broke up (And dont use that
reserved shit on me. One shouldnt hold emotions like that. And maybe
you do. But I think something wasnt right there).
What I dont understand is how cheaters dont feel fulfilled. You have a
girlfriend. You have so many benefits. I gave you everything, so why
did you need to sleep with other girls? I gave you that as well. You can
get it from your girlfriend whenever basically, plus the emotion, plus
everything else. Thats what you dont realize until its too late and
youve realized youve fucked it up. Thats why you hear all those
stories about cheaters who want to get back with their exs because
they realize hookups and shit wont fulfill them enough and doesnt
satisfy them. You had it good. And maybe it wasnt what you needed or
wanted but you fucked up even the chance of us being friends. If it
ends horribly well still be friends because itll hurt too much if we
arent. Just promise we will be. Or something along those lines. What
was that all about? What the fuck happened?
What also sucks is that I feel like reintroducing myself to someone else
is like when I did it with you. I want him to do all the same things that I
like with you, but I dont want the same relationship but with another
guy. I just still like that stuff and its hard to not compare relationships

or try to make a new one like the last. I feel like I cant do the same
things with other people that I did with you or go to the same places. It
reminds me of what we did.
The five-dollar note that you folded up into a triangle? I hope I never
have to find it. Little memories. Like skyping until 4 in the morning. We
couldnt wait to see each other even when we had never hung out. We
even skyped when you were at work. And we talked about cuddling,
plans we were going to make, everything. How perfect it was.
My stomach overturns every time every time I see you.
And why did you comfort me and tell me to ask you anything or say
anything when I went to go see you? Were you trying to just minimize
my pain so you wouldnt have to see it?
Maybe you never cheated on me while you were with me but theres a
lot that points to it. Even if you werent with other girls you had the
potential to be with them through Tinder, snapchat, etc.
You dont deserve a second chance. I thought you did, but you really
dont.
I dont need to tell you why Im over it. You dont deserve any of my
time. No matter what words I choose I can never force someone to be
honest with me or understand my pain. You should know it. Only
closure I need is for me not through confrontation. Im talking to a wall
when I talk to you. Closure is not with you.
Just remember that all the people who have gotten cheated on are
really good people. Looking at that I didnt do anything wrong and
theres nothing wrong with me. Its your problem that you and the
people you affect have to deal with.
The person who hurt you should not be the one who comforts you.
I wrote you a poem on Tuesday in Greek Civ. Yes, the class was boring.
But no, thats not the only reason why. I wanted to apologizeagain.
So I wrote you a poem. One of the best Ive written. I was going to give
it to you that night and I was excited. How often does someone write
you a poem? Instead, my anticipation quickly turns to gut wrenching
asphyxiation from the then newfound knowledge you had been with
another girl (ironic that I had written that you would teach me how to
touch truth as in your tempting fashion). Thanks! Some of the best
writing comes from bad and heartbreaking experiences, and thats ok
because you create something beautiful from it. I would be more

comforted had it been a poem about the sorrow you inflicted upon me
and not how amazing I thought you were. Nevertheless I shall keep it.
Itll remind me of a good time and how the endlessness, togetherness,
and foreverness with which you wooed me in the poem are actually
an ironic portrayal of the finiteness of our relationship.
All those things we were supposed to do. Like pretending to be nonEnglish speakers around strangers, go travel the world, dress like Rory
and Amy for Halloween I was thinking about your birthday and what
Id surprise you with. We had plans to go see the new Hobbit movie. I
guess thats what you get when you plan too far ahead. I actually
thought this would work. Didnt you? Even after we fought and we
talked Tuesday you said you saw long term as well.
I shared everything with you. Spent time on you. Read you my poetry,
my list of random thoughts. I showed you my art. You shouldnt feel
special because what I showed you was special but it was special that I
showed you them.
Dont change yourself (me)
Honesty is everything.
So many loops, and connections, excuses, etc. Make it as simple as
possible
Use this experience as a way of reflecting upon what I did right and
how Im a good person. And how lucky I am to have the friends and
family I do.
Why were you so into me and then leave like it was nothing? You came
to Santa Fe to visit and we went to the movies together and held hands
and it was perfect. Being with you was perfect. We fit perfectly in every
sense of the word, in any possible way we could have fit. We have so
much in common and fit intimately as well. We like the same things
and my head fit perfectly on that little space between your chest and
your shoulder. Every time you kissed my forehead Id say and the holy
spirit and youd laugh, because you knew I would never fail to say it.
And you would never fail to make that funny suction sound when
kissing my neck. The one where wed both break out in laughter. And
what about our laughing fits from my Gollum voice and Mickey Mouse
outside my window at 3am? Or the way Id run my hands through your
hair and you never thought about telling me to stop. Because you liked
it. Did you not like it anymore? Did you get bored? Because it was only
a month a half. How can you already get bored? And all this may
sounds stupid because it was only a month and a half. But I felt like I

knew you for years. I have never felt so comfortable with a guy before.
You were my best friend and you said I was yours. I could see this
going far. We took care of each other and iced our injuries and held
each other when we needed it. What happened? Are you just the kind
of guy who cant commit? Because I know you couldnt commit to ours,
but was it actually because of time restraints (because if you really
love someone you find time for them and are selfish and want to spend
as much time with them as possible even if its not whats right) or
because you cant commit? But then if the latter were the case
wouldnt you just do hook-ups? Why spend all that energy on me?
Thats why I really believe you liked me. It felt so good to have
someone care for me that much, who I could care for with the same
enthusiasm. So I feel like you did like me a lot. But maybe it was
unplanned and once you got deep into this you ran because you
maybe have commitment issues.
If you had the time, would you have stayed with me?
(I fee like I cant share those little things wed do with anyone. I cant
let someone else bite my ear or hold me the way you did. I feel like it
wont fit the way it did and itll just remind me of you)
Do you miss me?
Do you think of me?
Would you ever want me again?
Stay with me
The fandom references
I see you around with her sometimes. I always see you walk back with
a different girl after psych. You are laughing and are really close to
each other. Actually its the girl with dark hair and streaks.
The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your
future are my privilege. Remember when you said that to me? Why
did you keep insisting you wanted to be with me? I think in the end you
didnt even though you said you did.
If you didnt cheat, after being angry for the accusation (although I had
a right to be suspicious), you should have fought to make me believe
that you hadnt. Why were you ok with me not believing you? Yes,
many times it should be enough that you yourself are right. But not if
something special is at stake.
It is so selfish of you to tell me you miss me. And its ironic that you
care about me and my health yet you told me youre depressed

thinking of me and you keep contacting me. Its ironic because what
youre doing hurts. You dont have time for a relationship but you have
time for hookups. Thanks for letting me know, not like you planned us
happening but you couldve ended it better. Also, telling me you miss
me? Bullshit. You write me that shit and you cant communicate
anything to my face. I dont believe you. You just feel the guilt, like
youre losing any input and power of my life, any significance. Plus you
seem happy as fuck going around with a new girl every day. Bet youre
getting the action you want. I saw you go into that dorm building with
that girl. You disgust me. Better yet... You. Repel. Me.
Oh and what the fuck was the talk about? It got us nowhere. What
were you trying to achieve? The whole guilt and losing power thing I
mentioned before? You told Alex you had to tell me something. Were
you bullshitting him and me or are you actually that shitty at
communicating? Like when we talked right after you hooked up with
that girl. Was the crying even real? The whole Im reserved. Maybe
youre just so strong willed that knowing you didnt have time to be
with me was enough to let me go. Either that or I just wasnt worth it
for you and you didnt really want to continue it. Yet you still fucking
contact me. What? You think Im going to cut myself in despair? Get
over yourself.
Im in the more pissed stage now. And the only reason I cant get over
you is because of the way you acted around me. But was it just that?
Acting? I think it was genuine and you mean to be but how can you
cheat on someone while being genuinely invested in someone else?
You have issues
Oh and apparently today you sat down next to Diamar at lunch and
told her that youre not looking for a relationship and that youre just
being promiscuous now and hooking up with girls. You told her that you
are never in your room (which Ive already heard from Riccardo). The
girl I keep seeing you with? The one you laugh with and flirt with
around me. The one who puts her head on your shoulder. The one you
accompany back into her dorm every fucking day after Psychwith me
right there. Yeah her? Well you bragged that she put her beds together
and it became a king size bed. She did it for you. Funny. I remember
doing that for you one night. We had sex that night. You probably had
sex that morning with someone else. Thats disgusting. Anyway, you
then went on to say that you always hook up with girls when out of
town for rugby games. And when you went to visit your dad you
slammed a girl and then she took you to his house. I dont even know
what to say. You knew Diamar would tell me. You wanted me to hear
this. You fucking prick. You dont want to make me jealous because its

not like you want what you dont have or whatever. You just want to
have power over my emotions. Maybe because you see Im trying to
move on and am not groveling at your feet. You want them to come
running back to you like the girls you snapchat. It makes you feel good
about yourself. Regardless of what your intentions were, which Im
quite curious about, that was the most selfish narcissistic display I
have ever had to be involved in and witness. You know how much I was
hurting and still you insist on inflicted more pain on me. Fuck off. Just
get away from me. Leave to Germany or wherever the fuck it is you
said you were going. I dont want to see you. And whats worse? Youre
doing to the girl the same thing youre doing to me. She seems into it
and buying the faade that I fell for. Yet she has no idea what youre
doing. And I cant just watch. I wish I could tell her even if she thinks
Im being a crazy ex at least then maybe shell have doubts. I mean, I
cant be mad at her even though my anger towards him gets placed in
her. I cant be mad because she didnt know he cheated or that he left
me for her (kills me). Thing is though, that I dont want him knowing
that I told her, which he would undoubtedly know if I told her about his
cheating nature. I dont want him to approach me, and I dont want to
be involved with him in any way anymore. I dont want to be THAT girl
but I also dont want to be the one who didnt look out for someone. I
dont want her to make the same mistake I did but get deeper into it. I
dont know what to do. Do I tell her? I cant even do it anonymously
because whether she questions him or tells him about the note, hell
know it was me.
Also, I cant approach you and get mad at you. Of course I have
stinging lines that I have ready if you ever approach me. (You repel me
and oh you remember my name?) I cant approach you for 3 reasons:
1= I would get emotionally distraught againeven more actually. 2=
Hes a brick wall. No absorption. It will go in one ear and out the other.
He will pretend to cry and say sorry (or not) and wont put further
thought into it. 3= Hell know I was thinking about it and will think he
has power over me, which is what he wants. He wants to know Im still
stuck on him and that he has some say or effect on my life and
feelings.
And why ask about my knee? Cause I should believe you still care
about my health? HA! If you cared about my health you wouldnt have
hurt me the way you did. You dont give two shits about me or my
health. Or maybe you do. But you dont act like you do at all! And what
kills me is thinking of how you took care of me. How you said youd be
there for me. And then after all this mess you say you can get icepacks
or whatever I need. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I cant keep writing here or this will go on forever. But it seems I keep
finding out more things and little acquaintances happen. As long as
hes around I feel like I cant get a break from his bullshit. And I also
hate repeating myself. I talk about this to my close friends and its
easier to speak this and discuss it with someone, whereas writing it like
this is tedious and jumbled and infinite.
I hate how little things remind me of you. Doctor Who, watching the
moon whilst lying in my bed, the painting I was making for you, my
bed. Bryan was messing around with my guitar and asked me if he
could write me a song. It reminded me of when you were writing a
song for me and it hurt so much.
You feel fine knowing that youre trying to have power or influence over
me and thinking you can be my friend (so you feel less guilty?
Although I know you dont feel guilty) whilst also thinking I dont know
you were hooking up with girls behind my back? You thought I only
knew part of what you did.
Tomorrows your birthday. I hope I dont see you. I was planning a
surprise for it when we were together. Something sweet. Although you
never ended up cooking for me but I wouldve for you. It makes me
realize now you werent completely invested in us. You didnt do many
of the things you promised wed do together. Maybe we just didnt
have time for them. Early relationship anyway. But yeah, hope I dont
see you, because if ever there were a person I hated, it would be you.
Everything reminds me of you. My house, cerrillos and the movies (that
day you visited me and we held hands at the movies), motorcycles,
Sam Smiths Stay With Me, etc. I scrunched up my face today like
you do when youre trying not to cry. You know? The one where you
tuck your lips in, slightly biting your lower lip, and frown. I dont even
know if that crying was even fucking real.
You have tainted everything.
What was real? I feel like you were really into me. But why would you
hurt me? And its one thing to hurt someone once. But to actively keep
doing it? Yesterday, on your birthday, you showed up to Psychology
before my friend who I was hoping would sit next to me so you
wouldnt. I felt nauseous just sitting in class waiting for your face to
appear next to hers from behind the doors. I felt like puking. The
closest most available seats were around me and I was feeling sick.
Next thing I know you strut in with your chin held high as if youd won
some sort of prize. For biggest narcissist probably. Anyway you came

in, and I know there werent many available seats because its a full
class, but out of all fucking seats you decide it would be a good idea to
sit directly behind me. There was no reason to do that other than
rubbing your newfound (or maybe old who even fucking keeps track
anymore??) lladylove in my face. Who does that? Who the fuck does
that? I moved of course. There was no way I was going to listen to you
guys giggling and whispering to each other in my ear. And then, after
class, when I returned to park my bike in front of my door who should I
see? You and her. Holding hands. You never held my hand in public. You
did sitting down for a little. But not while walking. You held her hand
and walked side by side as conjoined twins. Laughing and whispering
as you went. And you knew I was walking behind you. I saw you go into
your building with her you prick.
Another time I went to Lapo I saw you. I cant remember if I mentioned
this but Im not about to scroll through all this garbage. I sat down at a
table alone and you did too. Facing me, two tables away. Couldnt you
at least turn away?? Well you saw me looking pissed and you saw the
Portuguese guy come over and sit with me. You saw us talking and
laughing. And if this is the reason you think its ok to throw it in my
face that you have hundreds of other girls in your bed, youre even
more fucked in the head. This was before you told Diamar about all
those girls and it was before you decided it would be a good idea to
parade your new girl in my face 2 weeks after we broke up. Even if we
did end up on good terms, you still dont do that. Be smart. Although
thats kind of a stretch for you.
Oh and remember how 2 weeks into school you stopped spending the
night at my room? It wasnt because it was uncomfortable or because
you had shit to do early in the morning. It was because you had booty
calls. The first 2 weeks you spend almost every night with me in my
bed, and even if it was uncomfortable youd find a way to stay with
me. But you bailed like you always do. You run away you pathetic little
bastard. You dont fight. You dont commit. You dont think. And whats
hurts is that I know you always spend the night out. You are rarely in
your room at night. You said this to Diamar. But hey asshole! Guess
what? You spend a fuckload of time out of your room for someone who
has so much shit going on. All that shit you told me were the reasons
we couldnt be together. You spend so much time out with various girls
or with that girl that it sounds like the amount of time one would need
for a relationship. And you probably are in one with her. How can you
not be? I know you are.
Im having such a hard time deleting you off Facebook and Skype. Its
hard because of all our messages on them. They remind me that you

are both the person that has made me the happiest I have been, and
the person who has made me feel the most pain. Such trembling,
shaking pain that struck to my very core and made the entirety of my
body hurt. And the joy you brought me was not something that
exceeded that incited by someone else, but it was one that was so
unlike anything I had every felt.
How do I delete the only concrete evidence of our compatibility,
togetherness, raw emotion, your devotion to me. Our 5am
conversations, our banters, our silly back and forths of mutterings and
references that only we would ever understand. I have to though or
they will keep me remembering the good and stray away from all the
bad you exude. That you have thrust upon me. I have to. Once its
done its done. This is so hard. I hate you. I hate you so much. Why did
you do this to me? And all this seems pointless to others I imagine and
makes me feel silly. I didnt know you for that long. But I never thought
I would find someone like you, we were so compatible. It felt like I had
known you my whole life, like we were the closest friends. I told you
everything. Everything. I havent told anyone as much as I have told
you. And you fucked it up by being fucked up. Whats wrong with you
there must be something wrong with you. Guess I found it. Guess I
found it.
So delete the messages or not? Whats the point in keeping them? To
convince myself you actually are a good person? Cause I know deep
down you are not. I just keep letting myself give excuses for other
peoples behavior. I was so ready to forgive you so you could fight and
take me back. I was ready to fight. But I shouldnt fight. Because you
didnt even try to get me back. I shouldnt feel like I need you or your
attention or your devotion. I dont need to plea for it. I should deserve
it. And I believe I did. You on the other hand didnt. I tried convincing
myself that your difficult family life and bad past (which I never found
out about in the endwhat was so bad you couldnt tell me?
Apparently its so bad people have walked out on you. And you were
afraid I would. BULLSHIT EXCUSES) made you this way. No. It doesnt
matter how you were raised, for basic moral codes should be
preserved. You should not treat anyone the way you treated and are
treating me, no matter what. Dont thrust or project your problems
onto me. And back to the messages, maybe I do keep them there to
remind myself you actually cared. I think I want to believe you actually
did care for me and liked me. I say that I know you did, but deep down
its an insecurity. Actually, its a fear. I am afraid the way you were to
me was false. And thats why I feel like I need these messages.
Because if that wasnt real I would be broken. I would feel like nothing
was worth it. I still cant be sure it was worth it. It obviously definitely
wasnt worth the pain but sometime during that period of joy there was
something I will hold on to.

But you know what? I dont need to prove to anyone not even myself
you liked me. You may or may not have. I believe you did. I will always
believe you did.
I shouldnt read them. I cant. I wont. Its not even closure because
theres no such thing as closure. It doesnt exist. There will always be
loose ends and untold truths. Its just a way to detach myself from you
completely. I cant help running into you that is not my choice (trust
me). But this I can help and you liking my pictures on Facebook (like
the one of the art piece Im doing that was supposed to be for you.
What the fuck is up with that??) is just you wanting to have your name
pop up in my notifications. Its a way for you to occasionally remind me
of your existence. You should and will never be a notification in my life
because thats just you trying to get into my head and having power
over my feelings even if just minute. Its like you flaunting your
relationship and sexual life in my face every time I see you. That I
cannot avoid. But this I can. And I cant look back to the past like I
always do. I always get stuck in the fucking past, the good moments,
and overlook the bad ones. And this doesnt mean that I want the last
things I see about him (all those horrible things I hear about and from
him) to be negative so that its the feeling that resonates with me as
my memories with him, I just dont want to be the last thing I
intentionally see about him and us to be the positives and past news.
Its old, its gone. And this is one of the first moments in which I have
the choice to break off from the past and move forward with my life in
a direct way. And Im not going to fuck this up.
This is the last message you sent me before we met up for the last
time. The last message I read before deleting you (and yes that is
supposed to be symbolic for deleting you from my life and facebook).
I'm sorry daisy. I really am I just miss you and maybe it's bad if we
meet up. I just feel horrible about that night and I wake up depressed
as all hell because I'm constantly dreaming of you and reminiscing of
the good times. It sucks because in the fault of all this. Did you even
mean this at all? Why write this when you didnt mean it the next day?
This is one of the last things you said to me on Skype, when I was
telling you about my homesickness. and hopefully I can help make
your stay as painless as possible. This was genuine and real. And
thats whats most painful.
Deleted everything.
And then the were none left squandering.

I know there are better people out there. But how can you see the road
ahead when you are driving in the fog? Youre always there,
obstructing my view of better, yet looking at you makes me certain
there is better. Because if people like you is all this world has then
what the hell am I doing here?
And if I cant move past this then please just slap me as hard as you
can world. Because reality check: Everyone gets hurt. It sucks to have
to be the one who gets hurt by the actions of another human being as
opposed to coincidences or natural happenings, but though it doesnt
diminish the pain it certainly doesnt surpass that of others. My pain is
temporary. My pain will subside when I let it. For it is not about
forgiving him or coming to terms with what he has done or what
person he is. Its about doing whats best for myself. Its about learning
to let go of something thats hacking away at your everything. Because
you know what? This little shit is not enough of a reason to keep myself
hurting.
Easier said than done.
Although all this text looks ridiculous even to myself and the little voice
in my head, it could not only be seen as a story of someone who got
their heart crushed for the first time, but it also can be seen as my
journey to maturity, a depiction or reflection of myself, insight into me
my thought processes, or the mere substantiation of my emotional
growth. It is who I am becoming. And yeah, this is some kind of
epiphany or whatever you want to call it. But I only know that this is
me figuring out how to grow, not actually feeling it yet. Im still
emotionally distraught and irrational because I am such an emotional
person. But you know what they say: the first step to recovery is
realizing you have a problem. Of course, it is only a problem if you look
at it that way, which I always have. Instead I should realize that I dont
put myself in these situations and I definitely did not put myself in this
one. So I know I did not inflicted this pain upon myself and I am not
deserving of it. I just need to understand on a deeper level that being
so emotional can be my best friend but also my enemy, in which it can
bring me down and impede my learning and growth in situations like
these. I need to learn how to control it because sometimes
appropriation is key to abundance. I need to know when it will be
destructive to myself. And I guess now I see thats what most of my

fears come from. The fact that I am afraid my emotions will get the
best of me someday and will be the catalyst to my destruction. Some
sort of anti-climactic downfall.

I have so many thoughts racing through my head I cannot name them

all. Heres me trying to be brief and to the point. 1) I sometimes wish
we never would have fought, and thats messed up. It makes me see
why one may stay in an abusive relationship. 2) Why is it so easy for
others to find people. They always talk about how theyve had
boyfriends or girlfriends and this was my first (even though we didnt
label it we acted like we were and it was without needing a label). I
mean, am I too picky? I dont think I am, I just dont feel a spark or
enough of a connection with the guys who like me. Am I just too aware
of things? 3) I feel like I let people walk over me because I forgive too
easily. 4) I keep thinking what if he didnt sleep with anyone else while
we were together. But would it even really matter? He still slept or
hooked up with a girl a day after we were together. And many signs
point towards him being with girls while we were together, they are
just inferences though and my emotions take over in this rational
thinking. 5) He better have washed if he was with other girls before
me. If he was having sex or even hooking up with girls while being with
me, I am beyond disgusted. How can one have sexual relations with
more than one person? Especially when theyre in some sort of
relationship and is doing it behind their back. 6) Laying on my bed in
Santa Fe reminds me of our Skype calls together. He would show me
things and I would show him mine. He drew me a picture of me. I still
have it. I want to give it back to him as a reminder of what was and
what he fucked up but then hell know I was thinking of him and hell
think that he got into my head. Which seems quite correct. Hed play
the guitar and wed talk about everything I have ever thought of. Wed
get lost in each others eyes and could sit in silence without it being
weird. Although we could only sit a couple of minutes in silence before
we had more to tell each other. Wed call each other and stay on the
phone even after a 5-hour Skype call. Wed call when I was running
errands or going out or if you couldnt Skype at work. 7) You watched
me cry after you hurt me. You say me cry infinite tears and you saw my
body shake with pain. Yet you insist on inflicting that pain on me again
and cant put right what you did.
Keep subconsciously bumping into me because you want to show
youre always present? To still have some control over my feelings? You
joke with Diamar saying you and your new girlfriend are pregnant.

Hows that funny or relevant? I see you look back at me sometimes.

And not just in the way people do to those they dont know.
I want a relationship but I keeping falling for every guy who shows
some interest in me and I dont know why. Then I get to know them but
theres always something just not right. I know it wont go anywhere
with them so I dont continue. Is that fair? Or is it just normal ad
theyre not right for me? More time has passed since us two than we
were even togetherit feels pathetic. But you were the only one I
never doubted being with. Yeah sometimes I asked myself if it is what I
wanted. But I always was well committed. As crazy attached and
obsessed as this sounds, I saw myself spending the rest of my life with
you. We planned trips and talked about adventures we were going to
do. I never got bored of you even if we spent so much time together
(speaking ofyou all of the sudden had no time for me? Bullshit!
Because you obviously have time for your new girlfriend and we spend
so much time together in the beginning. What happened? You drifted
away and spent less time with me. I cant believe you cheated. I will
never even fully know. You may have just been flirting and interested in
this girl when we were together. Regardless if you cheated, what you
did was wrong). We always had something to talk about. I shared
everything with you. I showed you all my random thoughts I shared my
fears. And it didnt even seem crazy because you shared your thoughts
too and you didnt back away. We watched cute videos about love and
when we went to the movies together the first time hanging out we
caressed each others hand. It felt so right. I feel like that cant happen
again, because I either wont find someone like that or I cant trust
someone as easily again. Fuck you.
Even though more time has passed since us than we were together,
my ned still reminds me of you because my first weeks here were with
you. I started here with you. We spent most of our time here. I showed
you the moons craters through my telescope binoculars and we
figured out how to fit on this small space like two pieces of a jigsaw
puzzle. It is where we first kissed I thinkunfortunately (if it is
unfortunate) I dont think I remember our first kiss.
For some reason this came to mind: after I came crying to your door
you wanted to go to eat and asked if I wanted to come (probably cause
youd feel awkward kicking me out). We went and sad down below
(cant sit there anymore) and you held my hand for a moment, asked
how I was. I cried a little more. We chuckled a little. Both of us knowing
this was going nowhere. I was so ready to forgive you. How stupid of
me. You didnt want me anymore. You didnt fight or try to explain
yourself, not because it would be futile like you said, but because you
didnt want to and the complete truth wouldve probably been worse

than the snippet of whisperings that I had heard. You just sat there not
doing anything. You werent in shock. You werent trying to figure out
what to do. At least I dont think so. Because someone who wants
something enough will fight for it even if minimally. But you put no
effort in. You just said you couldnt believe that I had forgiven you so
fast. You were surprised by my commitment and goodness. I now am
surprised by my blindness and naivety. And what about you asking
Alex what you should say to me? You and Alex told me this happened.
Where did that come from? What was your motive behind wanting to
rectify us? Was it trying to do that? Ill never know. Ill never know most
things because Ill never be inside your head. Ill never be you. And of
that now I am thankful. You may be a cool person and have insights
and everything. But you are missing the very basis of good morality.
The very basis of what it means to be human. You are an animal.
There are an infinite amount of doubts and reflections and this writing
could go on for miles. But does that mean that it should? Should I keep
writing to get it out of my system? Is there such a thing? Its probably
confused with time. You can keep writing and these feelings will
subside due to time, but well instead believe it was the writing. So I
guess I should keep writing as a distraction and conviction that that is
what is making the feelings pass.
I have progressively begun using an extensive vocabulary when writing
and speaking not only because it helps me convey my thoughts more
efficiently and accurately, but more profoundly because on a
subconscious level, I feel like I am not taken seriously enough. People
whose vocabulary and language is more sophisticated, are taken more
seriously. I have often thought that my thoughts and feelings have
been dismissed on occasion. Now I realize it isnt only a sophisticated
vocabulary I need, it is confidence in what I say that I need. I
overcompensate this way without needing to because neither my
thoughts nor language are inadequate or incompetent.

I saw him today. November 18th. He was in a cook-off in Lapo. I dont

know why but right when I saw him I started having a panic attack and
was shaking and couldnt think straight. I was ready to burst into tears.
I dont know why. Maybe it was the angle of his face that made it look
so real. He looked so real. Usually when I see him I just see him
straight on for a second and more as a background. But he stood out
like a sore thumb. Up there at the table. In front of people. Like they
know what he did. Standing trial. Maybe it was the fact that he

promised hed cook me dinner on my birthday but never did. We ended

up going to edgefest. He had fun but was weird at it. Which reminds
me, a guy in my class Ive hung out with once came up to me during a
lab in that class about a couple of weeks ago and asked me what
happened to Angel. I said it didnt work out and that he ended up being
a dick. He said he couldve guessed it by the way he looked at
edgefest. Was I the only one who didnt see it? Still, I cannot blame
myself and I refuse to blame myself. I dont want to be the helpless
victim but I am the victim in this because I am the one that got hurt. I
dont even know if he wanted me or liked me at the end. I believe he
did during our time together because why else would he spend so
much time on me? Anyway, Ill never now. It kills me. But maybe it
would kill me more knowing. Maybe what his real motives were, were
even worse than I couldve imagined. And whats crazy is that when I
look at him I dont see what he did to me because I never saw him
doing it. What I see when I look at him is just a flood of emotions from
me being so ecstatically happy with him to being so hurt by him. I see
the face I feel in love with (although Im not sure I can use that term so
lightly). Thats what scares me the most. Hes a fucking player. What
also sucks is that I was getting over itand maybe not getting over it
but not thinking about it. I wasnt crying. And now, lately, this week I
cant stop thinking about him. It upsets e so very much, and now Im at
8684 words and so upset that almost all 8684 if them were wasted on
him. Even if he gave me something so special that Id never felt before,
and may never feel again. Of that I am afraid. Its so unplanned and
impossible that I fear I may never get that again. But maybe, just
maybe, that is the very reason that I could.
That whole little episode of seeing him (dont think he saw me) made
me feel a little of what I felt after we were done. Now Im shaken up
because of that. Its a feeling and pain I hate and hope to never feel
again.
Want to watch doctor who but it will probably remind me of his and just
happy moments in general (watching them alone before him). Maybe
thats why I havent watched it in a while. It sucks.
I miss the days of watching pramface and fresh meat. Im already sick
of this place. Too many people in a way. It doesnt feel too much like
home. It reminds me too much of him and just struggling with new
things. I need to go back home. And this time, I will include santa fe.
I need my own space so I dont feel like Im sharing it with others. Its
weird/ maybe its the smell, the lighting. No. Its probably the place.

Feels so temporary yet so permanent. As temporary as a hotel, but

permenant like I can never leave, get out, escape.
I cant believe the guy who was with me and wanted me so bad is the
same guy who brags about how his new girlfriend is a model. Are you
really that shallow you little shit? I cant believe you would do or say
something like that, or even think about that. Youre comparing us.
Diamar just told me that he went up to her a couple of weeks ago and
told her that he was going to get a house with his girlfriend. Who the
fuck needs to know that? When we were done I never had thoughts of
inadequacy or thought about if I was good enough. But now for some
reason Im getting that feeling. He never treated me like he treats her
in public. He didnt hold my hand much outside and stuff. He was so
much more committed in the beginning. Was I not worth fighting for or
worth treating like that? Its not fair the way he treated me in the end
or now. I know I dont deserve him being an ass to me or anything and
everyone deserves to be treated right, but why did he think I didnt
deserve kindness afterwards? Why does it seem like she won a
competition? Like she replaced me? And he said he didnt have time
for a girlfriend but he is always with her. Diamar and I always see them
together. He devotes all his time and everything to her. Why didnt he
do that for me? What makes me less worth it than her? Maybe he
didnt have time for me cause he was already with her. He was trying
to leave me. Was it because of me? Or was it for her? Either way it
hurts like a bitch. I shouldnt be this pathetically hopeless and insecure
but it makes me feel like getting so close to me made him leave. It
scares me for the next time it could happen. He makes me feel so
insignificant when he was the one who made me feel like the world to
him. How is that possible? Was it a lie? But why would it be if he
devoted so much time towards me? I know Ive already been over this
but I just cant believe it was fake. Because what would he get out of
it? He was so invested to begin with. He was jealous when Id talk to
other guys at orientation. He now knows everything about me. More
than most people have known. Does he ever think of that? Of me? I
think he just forgot the whole thing. Moved on. Maybe hes used to
this. He seemed like an emotional guy. But maybe even that was just a
front. Maybe he just forgot about me. I know he looks back at me
sometimes. He looks at me the way you look at someone you think you
know but just cant figure out from where. I think hes made himself
forget. I dont know why but it would be a comfort to know he still
remembers and thinks of me. I mean, why the fuck would he write I
wake up depressed as all hell and that he misses me? He said that but
didnt say he still wanted me. Was he already with her? I feel like shit. I
should probably do homework now with my insides in knots.

P.S. Saw the music video for Not the only one and its depressing as
fuck. I actually cried. Also, I cant listen to Sam Smiths Stay With Me
anymore because it was kind of our song. Wonder if thats what he
thinks of when he hears that song. Wonder if he thinks of me or us
when he watches videos or hears songs or does things we would
watch, listen to, or do. I somehow highly doubt it.
Im so sick of hearing from people I cant make it in Psychology. I am
genuinely interested in it. Be smart about it they say. No shit, but I
cant go through college looking at what makes me money for fucks
sake. I want to do something I like.
My problem is that I sometimes listen to people too much. Let them
scare me into thinking something or doing something. Everyone thinks
they have a right to an opinion and a say in my life, especially when
they are my family. I dont need any more opinions. And its not
because they dont adhere to my opinions and are all congruent with
each other. Its because they are solely based off their experiences.
They arent based off me wand what I like and what I can do.
What am I supposed to believe? Ive heard things from people who
have made it one way and people who have made it another way.
Some have gotten a BA in psychology and have jobs and other dont.
Why assume that I cant be one of those people who makes it?
Because its difficult? Because companies and people take BSs and
other subjects more seriously? There is nothing I can do about that but
I still have control over my life to some extent.
I know I can change major or start and not finish something. But it
scares me to think I could commit to something then let go and have
to start all over again. And I know its my decision in the end but of
course what my family says will affect me because what they say
reflects how they see me and what they want for me.
I dont know what the fuck to do. Im looking at a whole list of majors
and minors in the Arts & Sciences but I cant fit my interests or commit
to one category. I feel like I need more options.
I just remembered we went to the plaza caf together. I dont think Ive
mentioned it in here. It was kind of our fist date kinda thing. I never
really thought about it that way. I had completely forgotten about it.

I am crying my ass off because Im supposed to have registered for

classes 52 minues ago but I dont know which to take. Friends asked if I
needed help but they dont want to, and I wouldnt want them to have
to. Nobody is helping me and I feel so alone. I am crying because I miss
the good him, the one I knew. I am crying because I have surgery in
two weeks I am crying because I cant play soccer for a year and its
already been about 6 months. I am crying because I am Romesick. I am
crying. It hurts. A horrible, nagging pain thats so nostalgic in the worst
of ways. A choking, hiccouphing, stabbing pain in the chest and a
numbing of the body. He broke me.
The hickey thing
I know this is stupid, but what is he going to do with all his memories of
me and information about me? It is stupid yes yes. But I mean, he
knows everything about me. Will he always remember? Or will he only
have it stored and never activate it because he wont need to?
Also, Ive had some of the shittiest times of my life in college and some
of the funnest. I cant tell if I hate it or not. Its fucking weird.
And another thing. The baseball guy I hooked up with? Fucking prick
wont talk to me anymore. Barely answers my texts and fucking
disappears. What a prick. What a fucking little prick. He cant tell me
he doesnt want to do anything anymore?
Going to have surgery in a week. Terrified out of my mind. Dont want
to go to L.A. Especially because were gonna be at the house weve
always gone to before last year. It is depressing as fuck. It is one of
those places that reminds me of all the things that upset me in life,
whether current or past. I fucking hate it so much. I hate going there
and being in L.A. and I hate the activities and things we do there. And
Im gonna be on crutches so I cant even drive or walk much/ Im going
to be stuck in the depressing ass house. Probably thinking about Angel.
I dont even like writing his name. Oh and this is off topic but heres a
shit thinghe friended Diamar on facebook. What the fuck. I mean, he
said she was probably a suggested friend and he just clicked on it
without thinking. Really? On top of talking to her about shit that
obviously upsets me. Always about his girlfiend and shit.
Cant stop thinking of orientation with him and how he kept looking at
me and got jealous when other guys talked to me. He gave me his
number and asked to hang out. He liked my red lipstick. And wrote that
noteif he indeed wrote it then. How am I so caught up in this? I didnt

know him for long. But god I never felt like that before. Nobody had
ever made me feel like that.
Why am I thinking about it so much more now? I wasnt thinking about
it for a while after I broke down after it happened and now Im back to
being stuck on it.
Tells diamar hes going to mexico with his girlfriend for some vima shit.
Fuck you. Nobody gives a shit.
Surgery tomorrow. Fuck this and fuck my knee. I hate that its injured.
And yes there are worse things but right now my knee is fucked up. I
cant do shit. And after surgery will be worse. I wont be able to walk,
shower easily, walk up stairs, play soccer why the fuck did this have to
happen to me? Im so upset. At least now I can pretend like its
functioning cause I can walk. After surgery I wont be able to do shit.
And on top of that were doing a 12 hour drive to the shittiest city.
Ungrateful, childish, call it whatever you like. This sucks. And Im not
saying Id rather not do surgery. I want to so that it can heal but 8
months until I can play soccer again? Seriously? And even then I might
not be ready and it could tear again. Thats probably one of my biggest
fears and will be for a while. I hear all these stories about people who
tear their acl more than once, even four times! Whether they felt ready
to use their knee and get back into sports again or not. It could happen
again. I love soccer too much to have this happen again, even once.
And Ill have screws in my fucking knee forever. Thats horrible and
horribly terrifying. I hope I wont be able to feel them. And regaining
muscle will be hard, and the mobility. And I dont care if I sound lazy,
but Ill have to do pt every day and strengthening and stretching. But
not normal shit. No. like pointing my foot and stuff. It wont be the way
it was for a while. And you know how everyone says oh I learned this
from being injured. I didnt learn shit. Nobody has to have some sort
of epiphany, life changing, discovery or learning experience. I already
appreciated soccer and playing. And patience? Fuck that! I didnt learn
shit. And maybe youre (I dont know who, honestly) thinking oh well
youre just not there yet. Fuck you. I may or may not be. I maybe will
convince myself that I have learned something or I never will. This was
not necessary for my growth as a person. I wouldnt even say it was
beneficial. This is one of the most inconvenient and horrible things to
have happened to me. I dont care if that sounds dramatic, I am so
upset right now. I am terrified of hospitals, illnesses, injuries. I dont
want my knee to be cut or stitched or meddled with. I just want to be
ok. I just want everything to be ok. Why cant everything be ok for
5minutes? Where Im not injured, taking full IB, failing a class, aching
over a broken heart. I want bliss and euphoria or even just some
neutral nothingness for a moment.

And to people who say its going to be ok, fuck that. I always thought
I was bad at comforting people. Im may be but Im probably better
than them. It doesnt comfort me whatsoever hearing its going to be
ok from someone and it sounds dirty in my mouth saying it. No, you
will not be ok. You will not be ok for a while. You will think of it and it
will plague you on and off like tidal waves, and it will not be ok. But
them, one day, when enough time and healing and learning has
passed, you will be better. Not completely ok, but better. And you will
get better and better. It will always be with you, what happened. You
will never be the exact same as what you were. But as long as youve
moved on. You didnt have to learn from it. As long as youve accepted
that it happened. I havent fully moved on from Angel, but Im moving
forward. And then sometimes backwards. And then forwards again. You
will not be ok because it is shit when it happens and for some time
after. Time. Thats all. Time is all that is needed. Just wait and only
THEN will it be ok. Unless the situation turns around, and in that case
just forget everything I said BECAUSE IT VARIES PER PERSON AND
THEREFORE YOU CANNOT SAY EVERYTHING IS OING TO BE OK
BECAUSE IT WONT BE UNLESS YOU LET IT.
And no, I dont feel better thinking of the day I will be over any of this.
Because its not over now. I feel pain now, both physical and mental.
And that will not subside for a while. And I believe ones willpower can
let them overcome stuff. Like people with positive attitudes are more
likely to recover from cancer and stuff. But the problem is still
occurring and Im a pessimist and a worrier, and that is hard to change.
Ok so homework sessions and workout with Bette and Chloe. More
motivating than alone. This better happen cause these things usually
fall through. Wonder how our schedules will match up, even with all my
friends. Anyhoo, think it wouldve been a good idea to put dates every
time I write. Oh well, definitely dont want to start now.
At what point can I start watching romantic movies again? Theyre all
extremely depressing and misleading and nostalgic. They remind me of
a certain asshole. Still. Fuck you and your lasting effects on me. I wish
you were hurting, or even did when it happened.

Here we go again with him having influence over me and taking advantage of the fact
that I dont let go easily. Stop repining and liking my shit on pinterest. Stop commenting
on your pictures Watched this movie with an amazing person! HILARIOUS movie!

even though I cant see that or your pin of I just miss you, thats all. with the comment
I really do, even though you dont know, may not even realize or just dont think about
me anymore. I will always miss you. And you kee liking weird pins and commented
nothing on one. It just says your name with blank text. And the other day you liked 7
pictures from my Music board (so you obviously went through it specifically) and then
had the audacity to comment on the cage the elephant picture that I used to have as my
computer background, Makes a great background for a computer. Someone added me
on snapchat and I didnt know who it was but he was asking for nudes. I asked for a name
and he gave me a fake one (which I didnt know at that time). So I checked him out on
facebook to see who it was and it was a 12 year old scrawny kid. Then he sent a pic of his
body and it looked so familiar to me. I t looked like Angel. I told Dia and she thought I
was obsessing, like I was crazy. I insisted he tell show me his face and he sent one. It was
Angel. WTF. I think I had a panic attack. I couldnt breathe. I was just immobilized, with
my finger stuck on the screen as the seconds counted down. Was he testing to see if Id
send a random person a nude or did he actually want one. Its so fucked up, beyond
words I dont even know what to say. I never couldve imagined he would be like this. It
disgusts me. I feel like everything with him was a lie. I feel stupid and oblivious yet so
deceived and hurt. He is so inconsiderate and selfish I cant even believe it myself. I was
beginning to get over him and he set me back so many months. He answered with
Writing my daisy. (then something else I cant remember.think it was Really??) and
three laugh/crying emojis. I cant even begin to find words for what I think of him
because I cant even see him as a sentient human being. Maybe this is why I want to find
someone so bad now. I was becoming ok with being single before college and now I want
to find someone. Probably because I want to forget him. Have someone around that
makes me happy and forget that shitty people exist. Its so hard to move on. Why the fuck
is it so hard to move on? Its not like I want him in my life anymore. Honestly, hes a
piece of shit. And its impossible to have the old him. Its only nostalgic. So why cant I?
Does him reappearing all the fucking time just remind me of what he has done and thats
it? How much he has hurt me? I think on the outer layer thats the reason. I still cant
believe the monster I have found him to be. And I dont think I ever will.
I dont even care if it sounds dramaticI dont know how I will trust guys again. The
scariest part is that they can seem innocent and perfectly loyal for as long as they can
keep it up. One can never know in the beginning and one may never see during a
relationship that one could do such a thing. That terrifies me because I never want to feel
this pain again. Its not ok. Its shitty and absolutely gut wrenching and putrid.
Im afraid it will happen again. If I avoid relationships and anything serious I will
guarantee myself not to get hurt again like this. But I will also leave no chance for a
successful relationship either.
I need to sleep now but once I put my computer away and turn the lights off, my thoughts
will go off faster than a gun. Intertwining, converging into a convoluted mass of garbage.
I will feel an itch, an exponentially growing itch involving the typing up of my thoughts.
I dont know how this helps, if it does indeed, help. I dont know why I need to have
everything written here without missing a detail.

I will never forget what it felt like to wake up two days after that jackass fucked with me,
and to laugh and dance to J Roddy Walston & the Businesss Midnight Cry.
Reposting my pin of a quote about a guy letting down a girl, with the comment
melancholy. If only you understood what that word truly means.
Your face is as familiar to me as when I casually saw you around at orientation, but with
an added pain.
I want a relationship. I feel like I have so much love to give. And I in turn want to be
loved, singularly.
People keep telling me to stay positive about my knee and stuff, and I know theyre
trying to help. But im sick of trying to stay positive. Im sick of pretending everythings
fine because shit sucks sometimes. Yeah attitude play a big part in how things will
develop, but fuck. I want to play soccer. I want to live again. Taste the sweat, feel the turf
and grass beneath my feet. I want to do what I love most in the world. Its been 6 months
already and ill have to wait at least 6 more until I can play again.
Who knew Song for Zula would hit me the hardest right now.
I dont want to get hurt again. With my knee or with guys. Im terrified something will
happen to my knee during recovery or when I start playing again. I dont want anything
to tear again. The surgeon said once im healed my other knee will be the one more
susceptible to getting the ACL torn because its overcompensating for the previously
injured one. Fucking great. And with guys? I dont want to get hurt again. And honestly
there is very little way of knowing if I will or not. But its what you make of the
situation that dictates the pain youll feel. Bullshit. Itll hurt no matter what. I cant have
that. And if I close people out and dont let them in like I usually do then I may not have
the chance for something that couldve worked out. But if I open up and let myself fall
for someone I have a higher risk of the possibility of getting hurt. What do I do? Does
anyone even know what the fuck is going on or what to do before before something
actually happens? Why cant people be loyal, honest? Is that so much to ask out of
someone? TO treat another human being with a respect that they dont deserve
themselves, but everyone does BECAUSE ITS FUCKING CALLED EMPATHY,
SYMPATHY, COMMON COURTESY, BEING A FUCKING SENTIENT BEING LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET.
Goodnight to those who can make it through a relationship without cheating on their
significant other. I congratulate you on being normal. You deserve an award even though
its not an achievement, merely expected.
I only want for him to sincerely apologize. If only he could mean it, then the possibility
of it happening would be more realistic.

Why I love abstract art: It can look like anything, no pressure. I can do anything I want it
is so liberating. And I cant make a mistake this way. And the kind where I have pieces fit
all around each other? Its like a puzzle, a game. Trying to see how things will fit. I look
at the big picture, the whole canvas, maybe only a couple times per piece. But the detail?
I follow every curve with my eyes until each line has met its end and every end has met
its neighbor. And still there is no mistake, because when a mark that wasnt meant to be
makes its way onto my canvas, I turn it into something. Incorporate it. And you know
what? Thats what ends up being the most beautiful and elegant shape or form in my
piece. Because it was never meant to be, in my head, yet it is, and does so compromising
its desires and mine.
I feel so sad lately. Its the week before finals and I feel unmotivated, slightly depressed,
and so lost and alone. I have all the family and friends I could need yet I feel so alone, as
if nothing could possibly uplift this weight from me. I am completely lost in what to
major in and do as a career, I dont want to go into it right now considering Im not in the
mood to write (if you havent noticed I havent written in a couple of months I believe),
and because ive already explained this shit multiple times. I feel like one day in my future
I will become depressed and the pain I feel now will be exponentially magnified. Im
somehow never content even when I have everything, though it seems that at the same
time I dont have everything. But am I even supposed to? Does anyone really have
everything? I mean, the two things that affect me the most are the people I love and the
environment im in. I will always have someone I love around me but there will always be
those im missing. Here I have Juan (boyfriend), my parents, and my friends. But I dont
have those I left in Rome. And Im not even in a place I want to be in. I dont know what
im doing here, I feel like im wasting peoples time. I just feel like Ive got a huge weight
upon me and I shouldnt. Yet Im constantly worrying about everything. About the SHAC
testing because of that asshole of a cheater and some other decisions. Im constantly
worried about my knee and the fact that something feels off. As though its not healing
right. My PT says it is but I have that uncomfortable and terrifying crack and rollover.
Im worried I wont get the only summer job I applied for. Im worried of how
heartbroken Ill feel when I leave Rome this summer. Im worried I wont get to schedule
everything right or things wont work out when Im there. Im worried about my major,
about what classes Ill be taking next semester, about my career. Im worried about my
grades this semester. Im worried about my living situation next semester and the
commute. Im worried I wont like it and Im worried about feeling alone. Im worried
Ill spend less time with Juan. Im worried about my shin being still numb from the
surgery despite the doctor saying its normal. Im worried about my skin and all its
imperfections. About my hyper pigmentation, my moles, and shaving destroying my legs.
Im so worried about everything and yeah they sound like such first world problems but
fuck. Im worried I wont be able to play soccer the way I used to. Im worried one of my
ACLs will tear again. There are those who maintain a destructive way of thinking, in that
they believe nothing will happen to them; that everything always happens to other people.
My problem is that Im worried everything will happen to me. And whos to say it wont?
Oh also, I really dont want to stay in Santa Fe this summer before Italy. My room
depresses me so incredibly much maybe even my whole house. It reminds me of him and

I absolutely do not want that. It reminds me of my stressful and nauseating senior year. It
reminds me of people visiting and leaving, of good memories, of a different life and
different habits. I am so grateful and happy Ill get to see and be around my parents. But
this place truly depresses me and that makes me so monumentally sad. My home, the
home which took me so long to call home, this home makes me depressed. And that is
depressing in itself. It shouldnt be this way. It reminds me of sleepless nights of stressing
about school, crying and hysteria, panic, anxiety, guilt, temporary happiness, and
distractions.
Why am I like this? Why do I let things and people affect me so much? I think
hypersensitivy is an actual word. I think Im that.
Nostalgia builds as I snake down the murky sidewalk, kicking around a soccer ball stone.
When its dark, you could be anywhere. It doesnt always look like youre in any one
place. Im walking down to the prospects of my studies and suddenly Im in Rome. The
smell of fresh rain on the pavement is a musky reminder of my far home. An out of reach
place in the past that is fading away like the space before and directly behind me. The
feeling of being in a safe cocoon surrounds me yet taunts me like a fraud, pseudo reality.
Its strangely comforting for a split second; one in which I forget where I am and that
transports me to three different but very specific locations. Three places, spaces, homely
embraces. I open my eyes again so not to fall, remembering Im treading over hard
surface, harder than the calm I try to muster. A passive calm batted away by my eyelashes
and streaming down my wind stroked cheeks. The same calm that surrounds me; a silence
so loud it reverberates through the snail shaped inside of my ears. Silence not
manufactured by the presence of shy passersby. No, not that. A silence of the absence of
frantic commotion and late walkers. Of the willowing trees with soft bark and wet
branches. A chattering stillness. Stillness seen through reflections in the rippling puddles
as the little stone rolls through.
Its not being alone by day that saddens me, it is being alone at night, when Im in small
cities of rare commotion; the life is forgotten and the loneliness in the universe ensues.

I feel so empty and lost. I have found love and it has made me the happiest I have been,
yet I feel like Im losing so much else. I look around and all the people I love and admire
come and go. I look around and I see people working for what they want in life, doing
things for a reason, an outcome. Im so lost in what to do and I have no idea how to find
out. I am stuck with hobbies, mere hobbies. My laziness, I feel, will forevever be my
weakness. I can acknowledge and hope to change and work harder, yet part of me always
decides its easier to hold back. I act like good things happen to those who wait. I want
success without hard work. It disgusts me how I think this way. Despite this Im still
stuck on how to advance. What do I do? Can someone just tell me? It would be so much
easier. And there it is againeasier. This and the fact that I feel so distant from old
friends and new ones leaving kills me every time I think about it. Such close people who

have been there for me and have helped me. Veronika left and now I cant just walk into
the next room and ask for advice at 2am. Her presence reminded me of that of my sister,
when we lived in Rome. I could hear her play her music, always a comforting reminder
of life and familiarity. I could go and talk, joke around, be serious, not feel alone. And
now another sister gone. And yes, I can still communicate with people a distance away.
But its not the same. Its not easy. Its not there next to me making places and direct
experiences better. So far away. Change. Nostalgia in every memento, shared peculiarity
with and of someone. This nagging pain I keep sweeping under rugs like dust and that
resurfaces at the first rearrangement, change. That, and the fact that I dont feel like
myself anymore. Am I changing too much? Growing? Or just changing? I dont do the
things I used to. Im even fucking lazier. Dumber. I used to read books, memorize
Shakespeare sonnets, do so many different little things. Now I do nothing all day.
Absolutely fucking nothing. I dont know what interests me. What I want to do with my
life. What career I want. What I like. Who I want to be. What I want to do. And thats just
talking about who I was before college here in santa fe. What about when I was in Rome.
Thats so far gone.
There are so many things I want to do, so many projects, ideas, interests. I just dont do
them anymore and I dont know why. I just spend my days watching tv series and movies
as a distraction. Its like Im trying to brainwash myself. Because maybe if I do all these
things I want to do I wont finish them, like them anymore, or get upset thinking of other
things. Its not a guarantee or safety. I dont know I just dont know.
I hate myself so much. I shouldve taken physical therapy more seriously. I thought I was
doing really well at the beginning so I slacked off as I always do and now Im so behind
and have pains. Not only does my right knee pop, but so does the left knee, which isnt
even the operated one. im terrified and so over this. I shouldve worked harder to not be
stressed and behind now and in pain. How the fuck do I catch up? Im not even really
sure what to do at home and PT is so expensive I cant keep affording it. Whats stupid is
that Im afraid of how disappointed my surgeon and parent will be. That shuldnt worry
me but it does because my parents spent so much money on it. I hate this and Im so lost.
This popping wont go away. What if my meniscus is torn or theres a problem with my
knee? I should be playing sports or running at least at 6 months and Ive been to lazy to
even pick up a bike. Because Im scared and lazy. My knee strength is so bad I cant even
start to think about running. It will be forever before I return to soccer. Id rather be ready
and not risk tearing it again or tearing something else in either knee. But I fee like it will
never come at my pace. What the fuck do I do?? I even think like an injured person. It
sucks. And I have this struggle between being determined to catch up and
disappointment. And Im always like this. I get distracted and lazy and dont do things
and then I complain and get so down. Even with things I love. Why am I doing this to
myself? I know this and I keep repeating this shit instead of fixing it. And not because I
think it will resolve itself. I fee like this wont this is and will be on of the biggest regrets
in my life.i love soccer. What the fuck have I done? How do I catch up? What do I tell
my surgeon? I already know Im behind Im so ashamed of myself for doing this.
Looking at all this shit Ive written in this document makes me think, is it possible to hate
myself so much? I keep hurting myself and doing what I hate. When will I ever learn?
When will I ever follow my own advice? Maybe when I give myself the aadvice before

the damage is done. But even then I fuck things up. I truly feel like I do nothing right.
Nothing I see right, which is probably more important to me.
I live in an age where everyone thinks theyre important and their opinion matters. And it
makes sense when you think of how media outlets like Youtube can make your dumbass
famojus because of a cat video. But for fucks sake. I want to do something truly
important. Truly important to me. Something that makes me feel accomplished, achieved,
intelligent, cretive, motivated, ambitious. i havent found it yet and the fear that I never
will is killing me.
^ true optimist I know.
Im seeing my surgeon tomorrow for a checkup and hes gonna rip my head off. I
wouldnt be healing for him but still, hes gonna make me feel shittier for slacking. And
hell probably be harsh and it will hit me hard because itll be all medical and serious and
stuff. Im scared
Im also scared and ashamed that I dont miss my parents when I visit Juan. I dont want
to be in Santa Fe. But when Im here I miss Juan so much. Even after a day! Maybe its
just a phase that I dont feel particularly affectionate towards my parents recently. I truly
hope so. Even my mom notices it. Today she said Im sorry youre so bored here with
us. Or something along those lines. It breaks my heart a little. And not only do I have a
hard time apologizing, but I dont know how because I dont know why Im like this
now. Maybe I have to get out of the house I dont know.theres something wrong with me
these last months and its freaking me out.
I have to stop making people my priority and start taking care of myself. It is not the
same as being selfish, for I still think Im selfish yet dedicate too much time worrying
about people and who I would rather be around. I need to start appreciating being where I
am and who Im with, not who Im not able to see in that moment of future things I cant
foresee or change. I love Juan but I dont want to feel attached. Im in Rome now and
sometimes I feel like Im not appreciating the fact that Im seeing the closest friends I
havent seen in 2 years and wont see for a long time. Or the fact that Im in Rome, in the
place I grew up and spent most of my time. A place so familiar yet foreign. Im a tourist
in my own country. Going back to the point though, I feel like my thoughts are constantly
racing and looking too much into things. Like how will my new living situation be? Will
I miss class taking the shuttle? Will I have what I think is enough time to spend with Juan
and family and friends? Will work be too much? Will school be too difficult? Will I
figure out what Im doing? Do I feel like I clueless child sometimes when Im around
Juan and his friends? Am I too immature? Why do I worry so much? When will I next go
to Italy? What will happen if Juan and I stay together and he goes to New York? What
happens if I experience morbid happenenings in my family or friend group? Am I prone
to depression? Will I lead myself down a hole? Will I be successful? Will I have the life I
want with the people I want? What if I have to settle? What if Im not able to become
financially independent? What if? What if. Why cant I stop worrying? Why cant I stop
asking question? I never seem to be able to answer anything. So many things I dont
know, so much unknown. And whats scary is that we, or at least 1, see it as unknown but

dont realize that well be the ones making the decisions that can minimally or drastically
change our future. What if I make the wrong decision? What if Im the one who makes
myself unhappy? Why dont I feel happy when I have everything? Is it what Jason Silva
talked about when he discussed inpermanence? Im scared of change and the fact that
things always die. Nothing ever stays the same. It is a momentary comfort being in that
state of not making choices and having anything possible but its also terrifying. Its
terrifying because I know Ill have to make a decision at some point that will mark my
path and render everything else a non-choice. it scares me to choose. Maybe thats why
Im so indecisive. I dont want to seal in my future. And of course my future can be
changed but it feels like it would be harder to do at that point. Or maybe it would be
easier because you can rule out and identify what doesnt work for you. But one cant
keep living like that. We all want to get it right the first time. We have a fear of time
running out, as Mitch Albom puts it in his book The Time Keeper. Anyway who knows.
Im also worried about my relationship. Theyre so difficult and I feel like Im always the
one fucking up. Im too sensitive, too emotional, too stubborn, too problematic, too
insecure, too pessimistic, too open. I should probably stop telling people I love these
problems or theyll run away. And what do you knowIm scared of that too. Im scared
of people running away and walking out on me. I am sacred of everything. I feel like I
have so many issues or maybe I just think about mine more than others. The thing is its
so difficult too change. Its so difficult being confident when there are so may other
people in the world who are better at life than you. It is so difficult when were made to
think competition is good only in certain circumstances. Its confusing and contradicting.
but it that societys doing or is that just the way things are because of morality. Morality
makes it so difficult for us to decide whether it is acceptable to do something or not. I
think in the end morality I what either creates or enhances duality. Of course all things
embody an element of duality. But it is not that kind of duality of which Im referring to.
It is a duality of even less concrete ideas. I guess you could group good and evil in this
kind of duality in which it is both an aspect of duality and duality itself, and that
comments on the rightfulness of something. OK so this is very difficult to explain, mostly
because its not even a concrete idea in my head yet and my vocabulary and maybe even
the English language itself limit me to explain the beginnings of my late night internal
rants.

P.S. I realized today that I cant write poetry.

How sad it is that in a world of interconnectivity and technologies partially constructed
for communication, that we so fail to actual connect and communicate affectively. Its
efficiency that has got us all by the throats. An invisible pair of scissors to the tongue,
threaded to our fingers. A Ruby Goldberg machine. A little but of a push and off we go
hacking away at ourselves piece by piece.
How sad it is that we forget how to be alone. We forget or never even learn. Lucky are
those who have grown impoverished by experiential riches since the start, not those who
know what sweetness is only to have it taken away. Solitude is necessary and as Rilke
also mentions, it is essential to enjoy ones own company and at least experience what its

like to be truly alone. Whats its like to be aware of ones singularity and be momentarily
and solely with your own being.

The necessary thing is after all but this; solitude, great inner
solitude. Going into oneself for hours meeting no one - this one must
be able to attain.
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Id like for a moment to be someone who believes I am strong. Id like to see myself
through my mothers eyes, for a moment, for that may be the only moment I see myself
that way. Wouldnt all actors like to be their audience for just a single moment?
Too much information and knowledge scares us and we return to our distractions and cat
videos to numb our potentially deadly potentially ingenious thoughts.
We incorrectly use the words think and feel interchangeably
I think I mix up modesty with lack of confidence. So therefore I also confuse confidence
with over inflated ego. With this in mind Ill say one thing. I struggle with my perceived
immaturity and intelligence/potential intelligence. I cant tell if Im mature and think
interesting and insightful thoughts, or if Im immature and just blabber about egocentric
perceived drama of my life.
Do I like myself when Im in a relationship? I hate saying these words because then it
sounds like I dont want one or dont appreciate mine. I cant imagine my life without
Juan and I love him so muchjust to be clear. I just think I get too attached and
dependent and need him. I also want himduh! But I dont think its good to need
somebody or to think you need somebody. We should all feel like we can go on and be
fine without that person. I dont feel that way though, and it scares me. It scares me how
much influence he has over my feelings and well being. I need to change that without
changing us. I need to become independent yet still be together. I want to be strong but
know that he will comfort me when I need. I need to be selectively sensitive and
selectively difficult (in the sense that I need to pick and choose my battles. I dont like
fighting but some things need to be talked about if they upset me. SOME SOME
SOME!!).
Today my dad told me he thinks he knows why I talk so much. He thinks its because I
dont want to give people the time to criticize or respond to me because Im too scared it
will be negative or not what I want to hear. Which bring me to another point. I realized I
sometimes just need to say things out loud to organize my thoughts and understand
myself. I used to talk o myself all the time as a kid and now I do it a lot les often, almost
never. And Im not saying I like to use people as mirrors and walls to just talk to and not
with. Although I do admit hat my dad was right in that Im scared. Not because of others

judgments, but because I may become even less sure about my opinions or decisions. i
mean, I think its true that a lot of the time people have already made up their mind or
lean towards something subconsciously or a fraction of a second before they consciously
realize it. With me, I think it happens a lot, and I know it happens a lot because I ask
questions and advice a lot and end up going with what I was going to choose anyway. I
ask to be more confident about my answer when they hopefully go with what Id rather
deep down or I verbally expressed Id rather. I always have to confirm things and make
sure I dont fuck up because Im scared of failing. Im scared of making the wrong choice
even though deep down I may have already made the decision. A few people like Juan
and my mom dont want me to ask them for advice anymore because I end up not
following it anyway. But maybe I should just make it clear to them that I just want to
express my doubt and need confirmation, need advice on whether I should doubt my
decision or not. Its complication to explain as Im still figuring out what I mean. Kind of
like how I write essays and why they turn to shitha!
Also we talked about how Im insecure (you know, which is why according to him I talk
a lot). He says theres no need for me to be. I dont know why, but no matter what anyone
stells me I have never considered myself to be intelligent. Maybe my perception or
definition of intelligence is skewed. Maybe I connote and affiliate it too much to
knowledge. But even knowledge is a difficult thing to define. In my sense of the word it
encompasses the cumulative information of past and present future happenings, and the
ability to think critically about their implications. I feel entirely ignorant. And Id rather
ask and ask and seem stupid than to say something as a statement and it be wrong.
Because I guess I subconsciously think that its worse to be sure about a wrong thing than
to question strategically and reserve definitiveness. If that makes any sense at all.
I really dont think I like introspection. It makes me realize things about myself and
they usually just end up being negative. Oh, and I put quotation marks around realize
because I may not be correctly identifying my problems or the reasons for which I do
things.
Why introspection. Used to talk . cant bottle in
Missing from today ..distractions

I dont like fighting with him. I hate it. It makes me feel sick. I talked to my mom and
diamar and theyre both right. Im the problem. I havent always been like this with Juan
but Im overly emotional and want to spend every single second with him. It was
consciously about him leaving in a year but now its subconsciously there I think. My
mom says I need to nurture my passions and get back to what I love doing. I need to gain
independence again because I lost the little bit I had. I dont do art or anything anymore.

We share friends now and I have more with him than alone. Not having my own life
anymore is unattractive like my mom said. People want a relationship with someone
strong and independent. Im not either of these things. Diamar says Im insecure and
thats why I feel like the minute I give him space hell go with someone else or
something. I think he could find better than me but I could never find better than him. Im
scared of losing him because of this fighting so I need to change those things but right
now Im balling my eyes out every time I think about him. I want to be with him all the
time. Schools about to start Monday (in 4 days) and were both going to be very busy.
He said he cant spend the night at my place during the week because its a little far and
we have class early. He said I can stay over though but Ill always want to stay over and
that will suffocate him again. But Im crying and having panic attacks because I hate
being alone, even when Im with people I still feel a little alone because Im not with
him. I hate the thought that Ill have less time to spend with him. Maybe this will force
me to give him space and will help the relationship or it will make me get depressed and
make things worse. Diamar is right though in that I can be happy with the relationship but
not alone. This will ruin things. Me giving him space could make things better, but if Im
not happy about it that sucks. I need to do this for myself as well but I dont know how.
Im crying because I hate to not sleep without him and think of not having him next to me
for most of the week. And I wont have dinner with him. I want to be with him so bad.
But Im smothering him. This is not the person he fell in love with and Im repelling him.
Im pushing him away unintentionally. I have to stop but I feel sick without him next to
me. How do I get over this feeling? Even talking to him now makes me want to cry
because Im not physically with him. I want his comfort. I want him. This is becoming an
obsession and he can feel it. Its so hard to let go of though. And diamar is also right in
that its ok to always want to be with him but I have to be ok with us not being together.
He needs to stop being the sole focus on my life because theres a huge chance he wont
be with me for long. And thats why Im trying to hold on so tight. Even though its futile
because it makes this end sooner (self sabotage) and he will leave anyway. I have to be
ready for that and Im not. When we fought about this he said he wishes he had left to
Colombia University so this wouldve hurt less. I dont know what to say. It wouldve
hurt then and itll hurt more now. I honestly dont know what Id do if we break up or he
leaves. Id be lost. Hes everything to me. Hes all I can see and think of right now. I cant
focus on my ambitions or anything because all I want for sure is to spend the rest of my
life with him. I wish we were in the same year, or that our plans moved together. It would
make me put less stress on the relationship. I cant end this knowing hell most likely
leave but it kills me to be with him knowing that. Im trying to hold on to the tiny chance
that itll work out. But for that to happen it has to work out now. It just keeps going in
circles. Im worried about the future but that is ruining us even getting there. I asked him
if he thinks or would like to try to make it work at the end of the year if we end up
staying together. He said we could try. I dont know if he said that to not hurt me. To not
tell me that he thinks there is no solution. I need to enjoy my time with him now. Like he
said, its not about quantity but about the time we are able to have together. It just feels
like quantity because this relationships time seems finite. Its so unfortunate because we
used to assume wed always be together and grow old together. Why did he assume that if
he knew hed be leaving? I am so pathetic right now. I want to talk to him but I need to
give him space. And if I talked to him about this wed start fighting again. But my days

and especially nights without him are infinite. I want to sleep next to him, I want to wake
up next to him. How little am I going to see him once school and work starts? We
managed to see a lot of each other last year but we were both less busy. Or at least me.
This is the first time Ill be working and studying and Im so nervous about time
management. Hes taking a ton of classes so he can finish his masters in a year and a
summer, and hes teaching a class. I cant stop crying. We havent talked on the phone in
2 days. Weve texted a little but it feels weird. Maybe Im thinking about it more than
him. I probably am considering Im the one whos doing everything thats ruining the
relationship. I am planning on spending the night Friday before I move in Saturday and
Im scared Im going to cry so hard. Ill be thinking of how we wont sleep next to each
other often at all and will have to stress about things and be busy. Im scared Ill do this
while Im there and not enjoy that night. Im scared Ill put more stress on him because
Ill have to tell him why Im crying because he always wants to know. He sacrificed so
much time last semester because I wanted more time with him and he wont do it again
this year. Its right that he doesnt but Ill get offended as usual. I dont want him to think
he has to though. I dont want to be depressed while Im there because I think I will be. I
wish I could live with him. I know that sounds incredibly stupid. I am 19 and have my
whole life ahead of me but I want only him/ I want to fall asleep and wake up next to
him. And being there Friday will make me miss him so much before I even move into
lobo v. I miss him so much. I cant stop thinking this. I cant distract myself. I feel sick.
Why do I have to fee this way? Its not like hes this irrational and emotional and crying
because Im not there. This isnt normal. I feel sick. I cant be alone anymore. And I
know its a state of mind that I need to change. I shouldnt say I cant but this is so
difficult. I shouldnt even pretend to be ok with knowing this may end. I have to accept it.
I have to work on these problems I cant ignore them. I know I should do it for myself but
I really dont want him to leave me. He said if we keep fighting like this we will have to
breakup. This position sucks. Changing is so difficult. Giving myself space from him is
so difficult. And everyone keeps saying I have to do it for myself. But hes all I care
about, even though I hate feeling like this and keep selfishly doing things and hurting
him. I guess its childish. But I cant shake the feeling of always wanting to be around
him. I cant get enough anymore. I used to be normal and ask for space. I wish the
relationship were like that again. I want to be independent but I feel like shit all the time
without him. I feel so physically and mentally sick. What the fuck do I do? I obviously
want to talk to him without bringing up the fighting or well fight. I want to tell him that I
realize I need to give him space and by not doing so Im putting pressure and stress on
him. I need to tell him I want to go back to the girl he fell in love with. Living my life
next to his but not living his life or living my life because of him. I need to tell him I have
to do the things I like again. But this is so difficult to carry out even for the person you
love. I want to be with him all the time. I dont want to have dinner without him, or sleep
alone without him. Who knows if the school and work will make this worse. Because its
all about my mindset now. I didnt think like this before. I wasnt scared of losing him at
every moment. Maybe summer and school have nothing to do with this. Or maybe I spent
so much free time with him in the summer Im having withdrawal symptoms. But I need
to stop because Im hurting myself, him, and us. I need to be like him. hes so
independent and doesnt cry about everything. He doesnt base his happiness off of me or
the time he has left with me.

I want to sleep next to him every night. I want him beside me right now. Im scared Ill
cry when I see him because of this. Its really bad.