Imi pare bine ca ai deschis asta. Da, sunt Stefan.

De aici voi vorbi in engleza

deoarece asa ma pot exprima mai bine.
When I first met you in the fifth grade, I didn't actually pay a lot of attentio
n to you. In fact, I couldn't care less about what you or someone else thought a
bout me. I was who I wanted to be and I was happy about it. Perhaps I was still
too young to realize the world besides me was falling apart slowly as I walked d
own the path of hope. There were times in the last 4 or 5 years when I managed t
o walk to the end of the path, just to realize it was actually a cliff. There we
re times I almost fell off the cliff, and times I managed to fall off and someho
w rose back up.
Is it a curse? Is it a bless? Why do I still hope? Am I weird? What does weird m
ean anyways? Just another silly word for "different". But just because someone o
r something is different, it doesn't necessarily mean they are weird. Yes, they
are weird to you but you may be weird to them.
Humans generally fail to see the potential in some people. The potential friend
that person could be, the potential partner, the potential of their will. This i
s why I am often perceived as "weird" by others. However, I learned to get used
to it, for I now do not care about other people's opinions on me. I am impenetra
ble on the inside. I am invulnerable... almost.
Why almost? I have a weakness... to you.
In 6th grade I started to think about you mainly because I had nothing else to t
hink about before going to sleep. There was nothing going on in my life.. well,
nothing special. I don't know if you still remember that trip at the start of th
e 6th grade to a mountain-y area. Organized by no others than Theo's relatives.
A few weeks before that is when this all started. And night by night, I thought
about stuff, I tried to understand many things of which I failed the majority. E
very night brought this closer to a habit (should I call it a vice?). I thought
about you every night or every other night because I felt something when I looke
d at you. I felt potential.. the potential that I haven't seen in others.. almos
t at all.
I tried to stop but it kept popping up right back into my head. I tried to go to
sleep but a burst of thoughts managed to slip through my head. It all started w
ith a simple thought, with a simple "what if..?", with a simple spark of hope th
at managed to burst into a colossal flame.
And as time passed, I started liking you. And as time passed, I started to reali
ze that the thoughts weren't simple thoughts anymore, they had turned into hope.
Yes, I had hope back then.. a lot of it. Now the flame's almost extinguished an
d I feel as if I am about to fall off this cliff. I don't feel like I'm going to
be able to find myself up there..
Yes, I liked you. I remember people asked me in different grades. 6th grade, 7th
grade and even 8th grade I got asked if I liked you. The answer I told them was
"no". That was because I didn't trust the ones around me since they didn't trus
t me. I didn't feel part of a family with those classmates. I felt judged, I fel
t stepped on, I felt anger, yet at the end of the day I still managed to sleep b
ecause of the hope you gave me. The answer I give you is "yes". I did like you.
And I remember asking you stuff on ask.fm, and I remember talking to you the fir
st time on Facebook. Oh, the emotions I had back then. That night after the part
y went off I simply wanted to speak to you.. I felt lack of communication. At fi
rst, I wasn't sure what was going on. I felt scared and I was terrified to messa
ge you, but I managed to get through it. And I liked it. It became one of my hab
bits (or vices). I liked texting you and I felt like you were the only one I cou
ld speak to.. but this thing had a major flaw: I didn't have subjects to talk on
with you.
Right now, I'd like to apologize to you for all the times I've refused to dance
with you. I was scared to make a fool of myself, I was too shy to dance in front
of our parents, I was too afraid of what everyone else thought about me and you
.
But anyways, you were always gone with your friends. At times, I thought you wer
e with someone else and that made me really mad and sad, just to find out I was

all wrong and to be relieved once more. When I heard you liked the guy who was o
ne year older than us I felt worry, I felt anger, I felt fury, I felt wrath.. I
felt sadness more than everything else, but what kept me going was the hope you
inflicted onto me. You were always there for me even though you weren't able to
realize it. You were the one that gave me will to continue through 3 years of mo
stly pain, and every moment I spent away from you felt like a decade. You were m
y motivation, my reason to go to school in the morning. I wanted to see you, for
spending time next to you felt different.
And although you always spent time with your older friends on breaks, I waited f
or you to come back. Every time you didn't go to school I felt a hole inside of
my soul.. I felt like I was missing something. I always knew when you weren't th
ere because it felt strange. I would act as if I didn't observe your absence, bu
t deep inside of me I was worried and sad.
Do you remember my fall in the 7th grade? All those awful grades and the end res
ult at the end of the year.. It was because I kept thinking about you.. I couldn
't concentrate. I managed to get through that by thinking that I wouldn't get to
see you at the end of 8th grade unless I managed to attend the same school as y
ou would've. I tried so hard to end up where you ended up this year, but I faile
d horribly. Every mistake felt like a punch as the ground beneath me crumbled an
d left me to fall into this endless pit that I have eventually felt into. I've g
rown wings though, for I am no longer falling but flying. I have ascended.. my m
entality ascended.. my emotions ascended. I understood that what others think ab
out me doesn't really matter, but I still cared about what you thought about me.
Remember when I asked you why you smoked the first time? Other kids said it in c
lass. I was like "no way, that can't be true". I was eager to ask you but at the
same time I remained calm because I was SURE you didn't smoke. I totally truste
d you and I had no doubt when you replied with "why would I?". I honestly though
t you didn't smoke and I was happy to hear that. I was really happy to hear that
. My happiness got pulverized as soon as I heard you saying that you do smoke. I
felt utterly terrible and I felt like my world was crumbling apart. I didn't wa
nt to lose you, and you smoking was one of the things I would have loved if you
hadn't done. I couldn't stop you though because I was too afraid that you would
stop talking to me. I was too afraid that the people around you who represented
a disease to me (Mihnea, Theo, and the ones you met on a daily basis) would corr
upt you and I wouldn't be able to speak with you.
I know how people think.. I learned to read them. I learned to predict outcomes,
but some things can't be predicted.
The party.. ceremony or whatever.. Balul Boboceilor that we organized in the 8th
grade was an opportunity for me. I thought you would ask me to dance with you o
ne last time. Everything was perfect: there were no parents, there were a lot of
people, nobody was going to judge me. So I waited and waited and hoped that you
'd eventually come to me and ask me.. hope which faded as time passed by. And fo
r the first time, I felt like I was hanging by a cliff above a pit in which I fe
ll after you said that you smoked. I acted as if I didn't feel alright so I coul
d leave faster and sleep. At least it was quiet in my room and I didn't have to
see you dance with others. In fact, all I thought about that night was you. So n
ow you're the only one that knows why I left so early and you're the only one wh
o knows that I actually cared about you.
And as time went by, you were the person I'd choose over ANYTHING else. I starte
d to fall in love with you. And yes, I'm afraid to send this message to you for
the same reason I was afraid to tell you my feelings: because I thought you woul
d see me as a different being. I was really scared of how you'd react to it, how
my parents and even yours would react to it IF they were to find out about it.
I was tired of people judging me and people constantly mocking me about stuff I
had no interest in so I couldn't handle the pressure of it. I simply couldn't ap
proach you.
And yes, there were times when I honestly tried to approach you. I asked you bac
k then who you'd like to be deskmates (is that a word?) with. You recommended El
ena, though it wasn't what I meant. I wanted you to say "you" because I was too
afraid to tell you the exact same thing. I tried approaching you to ask you to b

e my deskmate but then Diana G. came and asked you way before I had the chance t
o. And one again I felt disappointed. And then there were the times when I tried
to tell you but every single break you would go out and only return when it was
too late for me to say anything. And yet I still managed to hope and I managed
to get through every harsh moment because I felt like I needed to go on if I wan
ted you.
And at the end of the year when I saw the results I knew I screwed up. When I sa
w that I wasn't even at the same SCHOOL as you were, I felt for the second time.
. in this endless pit. And I regretted everything: not stopping you from smoking
, not telling you sooner, not accepting your dances, not admitting to like you.
I felt like I was going to explode. And then I managed to ascend. I managed to r
ealize that life was going to go on, but I was left with this huge hole inside o
f my soul, my heart. I can't see you every morning now, Ioana. And that hurts me
more than anything. It was the only thing I wanted to go on. I wanted to at lea
st see you from far away if I couldn't be with you. And when I was restricted fr
om seeing you daily, I started to fall. I started to feel left out, I started to
feel abandoned, and then I understood that in this world you truly must fight f
or something in order to achieve it. So I grew wings. I managed to bypass the fe
ar that everyone else's thoughts about me threw towards me. I managed to not car
e, and it was an amazing feeling. Ignoring what everyone else said. I managed to
find out that I only have a few friends that really deserve to be my friends. A
few friends that I would give anything for, a few friends that I would never ab
andon and I would always be there for them.
Yet, having grown wings wasn't enough for me. I still had a huge hole inside of
my heart. I needed you. But inside I was happy because I could stop worrying abo
ut you going out with other people. I was happy that I escaped those people but
I would've LOVED to take you with me. Sadly, bonds between people cannot be brok
en easily. Some bonds are unbreakable. I do not say that your friends weren't re
al friends, but I'm sure that if you were on the point of death most of them wou
ld just run away from you. It's the sad truth that I'm willing to tell you now a
s an act of disperation.