Wedding Meditation

Erin Regan & Nickolas Adams

The fun of this
Well, weve been waiting for this day for a long time, havent we? Our friends Nick and
Erin are today tying the knot - after a year of engagement and how many months of dating
before that, after bridal showers and bachelor parties and all the preparations leading up
to this moment, finally, here we are!
And what fun all this is! Grownups get to play-dress up for the day, the women in the
bridal party get all made-up and fixed-up and do their mani-pedi stuff - I dont know,
maybe the guys got those too - and weve come from all over here to Delaware to witness
the joining together of Nick and Erin and then have a great big party afterwards.
But really...WHY???
But heres what Im wondering. WHY??
Why are we doing all this? What is the point, really, of all of us driving over here to
Delaware and Erin and Nick and their families going to all this trouble and expense to
have this wedding today?
You dont have to be married to live together - Erin and Nick could set up housekeeping
and live as a couple and there is no cultural stigma whatsoever to doing so.
You dont have to be married to have children together - unmarried couples do it all the
time and there is no longer any cultural stigma attached to that either.
You dont have to be married to buy a house together.
You dont have to be married to get on each others medical insurance - you can register
as domestic partners and have all the legal rights of a married couple.
And there are actually some negative consequences to getting married
Like the so-called marriage penalty - for many couples, you pay more in Federal taxes
if you are married than if you are single - especially if you are older.
Like, its a lot more complicated to end the relationship if youre married than if youre
not. Lawyers, separation, all that mess.
Like - marriage can last a long, long time. Think about this with me - in the mid-1800's,
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the average length of a marriage was nine years. That was because people died a lot
younger, and because many more women died in childbirth than now. But today, its not
uncommon for marriages to last 50, 60, even 70 years. Just based on life expectancy
today, Erin and Nick could easily be married for 60 years, and factor in an increase in life
expectancy and Erin and Nick could be celebrating each others 100th birthdays as a
happy couple, we hope. Thats a really long time to commit to one person. To practice
monogamy, faithfulness, to one person.
And then there is the time and trouble and expense of a wedding.
Picking out bridesmaids dresses and deciding on the flowers...making up the guest
list....writing thank you notes...finding a photographer....picking out the menu for the
reception...and a thousand other details.
And so I ask, dear God, why? Why all this?
Heres what I think.
Were here because Erin and Nick are followers of the Lord Jesus Christ. And they
believe it is his will that they get married. And the Lord has a purpose for their marriage.
Erin and Nick, in their married life together, are supposed to be a living, breathing
witness to the love of God in Jesus Christ. Their life together is for their good - but it
goes way, way beyond that - their life together...in a world darkened by suffering and pain
and confusion and death - is to point to the reality of Gods love and grace. Its like God
is saying to the world - Hey - do you want a picture of how much I love you? Look at how
Nick and Erin love one another.
No pressure or anything, guys.
So heres what Im thinking. The world will see the love of God through how you love
deeply, love extravagantly, and forgive frequently.
First, love deeply.
The good news of Christianity is that in Jesus Christ God became one of us - shared our
lives in the beauty and pain and joy and mess of it all. By coming in Jesus, God has
joined himself to humankind for all eternity, never to leave us or forsake us. The
theological word for how God entered into our lives, our world is incarnation.
And Christians believe that in marriage, we are joined together and become one flesh two distinct people, yet we enter so deeply into each others lives and hearts and minds
that we can say the two become one. And is so doing youre imitating what Jesus did in
becoming incarnate with humankind.
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And one thing that suggests, is getting to know one another deeply and accepting each
other completely. As God does with us in Jesus Christ.
The writer Gordon MacDonald shares a story about his friends Dr. Paul and Edith
Rees. When the Rees's were in their 90s, MacDonald asked if they still fought
after 60-plus years of marriage.
"Oh, sure we do," Dr. Rees responded. "Yesterday morning was a case in point.
Edith and I were in our car, and she was driving. She failed to stop at a stop sign,
and it scared me half to death."
"So what did you do?" MacDonald asked.
"Well, I've loved Edith for all these years, and I have learned how to say hard
things to her. But I must be careful because when Edith was a little girl, her father
always spoke to her harshly. And today when she hears a manly voice speak in
anger - even my voice - she is deeply, deeply hurt."
"But, Paul," MacDonald said, "Edith is 90-years-old. Are you telling me that she
remembers a harsh voice that many years ago?"
"She remembers that voice more than ever," Rees said.
MacDonald asked, "So how do you handle that driving situation from the other
day?"
"Ah," he said, "I simply said, 'Edith, darling, after we've had our nap this
afternoon, I want to discuss a thought I have for you. And when the nap was over I
did. I was calm; she was ready to listen, and we solved our little problem."
The world will see the love of God by how you forgive frequently.
Which leads to the second way the world will see the love of God through you - by how
you forgive one another.
There is an anecdote about a married couple who recently had a fight and were
driving down a county road, not speaking to one another. As they passed a
barnyard with mules and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of
yours? Yep, replied the wife. In-laws.
Funny? Not really.
People sometimes like to collect and accumulate little resentments, keep them in reserve
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so you can pull them out and use them in an argument, or use them to help yourself feel
aggrieved and put-upon. Trouble is, you hold onto those resentments, and theyre like
arsenic - and little bit wont kill you, but over time it builds and builds and becomes
toxic, becomes the death of a relationship.
Forgiveness has to almost become an automatic, reflexive behavior. Its just what you do
as husband and wife. Instead of holding grudges, instead of bringing up past hurts and
using them as ammunition in an argument. Instead of withholding love and affection and
intimacy.
The old nugget of advice - never go to bed angry - is wisdom. Its good practice to get all
the hurts and misunderstandings of the day worked out by the end of the day before they
burrow down inside us and make us resentful and angry. Forgive often, forgive daily,
forgive frequently. As God in Jesus Christ has forgiven you.
The world will see the love of God by how you love extravagantly.
Second thing. Love extravagantly.
Let me give you an example of what I mean. I grew up in the town where the
actor Alan Alda lived with his family. Youd see him in the grocery store picking
up a dozen eggs. Well, some years back before MASH and the big bucks, the
Aldas celebrated their sixteenth wedding anniversary and had some guests over.
One of the guests said he had to leave straight from the party to go to the airport to
catch a midnight plane. Alan offered to drive him to the airport and asked Arlene
to come along. At the gate Alan turned to her, pulled two plane tickets out of his
pocket and said, He isn't leaving, we are.
And that was how Arlene found out Alan had secretly arranged a dream of hers: to
go with him to Paris. He had taken care of her passport, rescheduled her
appointments, packed her bags, and hired a sitter to stay with their daughters.
Now you guys cant jet off to Paris next month - but you can love extravagantly in small
ways. Compliment one another. Express appreciation. When youre at the grocery store
and you know your spouse has had a tough day, buy him or her a little treat. Send loveydovey texts during the day. And every once in a while, do something crazy, outrageous
for one another that expresses your love.
The great good of marriage
My point is, that more is at stake than just your marriage. Historic Christianity has
always taught that marriage is a gift from God for the good of the world.

But I want to push this a bit further. We live in a day when the Christian church in
America has a bad image, and in large part its our fault. Were known for what were
against. We often sound like a bunch of squint-eyed killjoys, on the lookout for
misbehavior that we can screech at. What if instead, we became known as the people
who love outrageously, who forgive frequently? What if we nurtured our marriages - we
supported one another in our marriages, especially when we hit a rough patch? What if
people looked at our marriages, and saw something inexplicable - nobody loves like that inexplicable because they see something of the love of God in our marriages? In a world
dying for love and looking for it in all the wrong places, what if people saw the love they
crave - in our marriages?
One last thing
This is work.. This is hard work. Even for you guys. Erin, youre a raging extrovert who
gets joy by being around people. Nick, youre a confirmed introvert who gets joy by
being away from people. Nick, youre a financial guy, good with numbers. Erin, the
world of the spreadsheet continues to be a baffling mystery to you. Nick, you have a big
manly dog, Maudie, and Erin, you have...Bennie.
And add to that the typical stuff that makes men and women so different. Toilet seat up,
toilet seat down, men wont ask for directions, women put towels in the hall bathroom
you cant actually use...I mean, men and women, were often baffling and frustrating to
one another.
So how do we love in such a way that the world sees the love of God through us?
Years ago when Johnny Carson was the host of The Tonight Show he interviewed
an eight year old boy. The young man was asked to appear because he had rescued
two friends in a coal mine outside his hometown in West Virginia. As Johnny
questioned the boy, it became apparent to him and the audience that the young
man was a Christian.
So Johnny asked him if he attended Sunday school. When the boy said he did
Johnny inquired, "What are you learning in Sunday school?" "Last week," came
his reply, "our lesson was about when Jesus went to a wedding and turned water
into wine."
The audience roared, but Johnny tried to keep a straight face. Then he said, "And
what did you learn from that story?" The boy squirmed in his chair. It was
apparent he hadn't thought about this. But then he lifted up his face and said, "If
you're going to have a wedding, make sure you invite Jesus!"
I would amend that to say, if youre going to have a marriage that reflects the love of
God, invite Jesus. Because Jesus is the source - of the love of God. He is love
personified. Amen.
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