Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a

sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and

Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the
doctors changed it to "Hysteria's and Posteriors".
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down
again.
Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives" Still not
good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks
and Cheeks," "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a
business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the
council, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones ........... Odds and Ends."
APPROVED

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see

if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and
kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into
heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride
for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN'

DEAD....

After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat
so we can leave?
Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the
Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
Im sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if
something should happen? protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work
that morning..
Who's going to tell? says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is
German..)
Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, Im going to lose my license -- and my job! moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going
205 kph.
So bust him, says the Chief.
I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!
No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, Who do you have there, the mayor?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: A senator?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The Prime Minister?
Cop: Bigger.
Well, said the Chief, who is it?

Cop: I think its God!

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, What makes you think its God?

Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited

at a party After several drinks, one of the men had to use the
rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a
partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its
assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new
jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He
also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth

returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the
congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we
feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a
disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two
weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from
his three boyfriends.

There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men
pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light. His
friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
- "Woah, where did you get such a large Bic?"
- "Oh, my genie got it for me."
- "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
- "He is in my golf bag."
- "Can I see him?"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The
man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would
you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a
million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without
saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it
gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks.
He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your
genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a
million Ducks."
"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture

on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think
you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever
touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question

further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to
have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience.'

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you

said Goats

My neighbors, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door,

asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite
surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me

when I said, "I wanna watch”.

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it? 'The doctor asked.'

Actually, yes, I do.

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No... I rather like it.

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you

shouldn't practice anal sex, if That's what you like, so long as
you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from
anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians

and lawyers come from.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde

was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to
be at least 8 characters long.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his

truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he
didn't live far and would just walk home..
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the
feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -
how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a

little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you
tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry
this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk

the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut
and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am
a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I
know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with
me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens