El Buen Matrimonio - Dr. George Morelli

Good Marriage
By
Fr. George Morelli
Good Marriage
by Father George Morelli
Fr. George Morelli is a seasoned professional in the areas of Clinical Psychology and
Marriage and Family Therapy. An active pastor and leader, he
chairs the archdiocesan Chaplaincy and Pastoral Counseling
Ministry, and is also Religion Coordinator and Liaison of the
Orthodox Christian Association of Medicine. He lives in San
Diego, California, where he is Assistant Pastor at St. George
Antiochian Orthodox Church. Fr. George has taught university
and seminary courses in psychology and pastoral theology, and
supervised doctoral clinical psychology interns. He has
authored numerous articles in the field of psychology, and is
also the author of Healing: Orthodox Christianity and
Scientific Psychology.
Fr. George Morelli
I - How an Attitude of Entitlement Undermines Marriage

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Christian marriage is an exalted vocation. Marriage, as the Apostle Paul taught,

replicates the relationship between Christ and the Church where Christ is the
Bridegroom and the Church the Bride. Bridegrooms are called to love and care
for their bride with selfless commitment. "Husbands love your wives," St. Paul
wrote, "as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her" (Ephesians
5:21).
Love is relational, and the icon of pure and undefiled love is the relationship
between the Persons of the Holy Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit). We catch
glimpses of the nature of this love because it overflows to mankind, particularly
in the self-sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. St. Paul described this love as kenotic
(self-emptying), particularly when Christ forsook the prerogatives of divinity to
assume human nature in order to save mankind. The love was so certain, so
sure, and so complete, that it led to His death on our behalf.
In Christian marriage, authentic and true love seeks to replicate the type of selfsacrifice Christ revealed to us when He became man and dwelt among us (and
which is still expressed today in Christ's faithfulness to His Church). Selfsacrificial love conforms to the Great Commandment to love our neighbor more
highly than ourselves in so doing we also love and honor God (Matthew 25:3640, 1 John 4:19-21). This kind of love between husband and wife, even if
imperfectly practiced and not always realized, constitutes what St. John
Chrysostom called the "small church" and as such ensures the health and
stability of the family in raising children (Chrysostom, Homily XX).
These lessons are affirmed in the Orthodox wedding service. In one part of the
ceremony the Holy Spirit is invoked to: "Unite them in one mind and one flesh,
and grant unto them fair children for education in thy faith and fear ... " The
spiritual goal of marriage is never divorced from the parental vocation. Love,
when properly understood, is always directed toward the neighbor, first to the
spouse and then to the children.
Problems in Marriage: Entitlementi
The Evil One relentlessly seeks to corrupt the love of Christ. Marriage and
family, because of the complexity and immediacy of the social relationship, is a
fertile field for such corruption. In case we think the potential for spiritual
corruption is overstated, consider that it can happen between Christ and His
Church as well. St. Paul reminded the Corinthian church: "I betrothed you to
Christ to present you as a pure bride to her one husband. But I am afraid that as
the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a
sincere and pure devotion to Christ" (1 Corinthians 11: 2-3). If the Church can
defile its communion with Christ, we certainly can defile our communion with
one another.
One subtle corruption is the feeling of entitlement (Morelli, 2006a). Entitlement
is when the spouse or parent feels they deserve love, companionship, happiness,
honesty, obedience, etc. Entitlement works hand in hand with expectations.
When an event occurs in which one family member does not feel that others
lived up to what was expected of them, feelings of anger and being used result.
From the outset, it should be noted that some events fulfill expectations that are
desirable and often good. The problem occurs when the events themselves
become a test of whether or not expectations are met. In clinical terms desirable
preferences have transformed into demanding expectations where the failure to
meet the preferences results in emotions (usually anger) that impairs the ability
to attain desirable goals. Often the resolution to this conflict is to change the
goals. In fact, what is really needed is a shift in perception from demanding
expectations back to desirable goals.
A few examples may help us understand entitlement. A mother feels entitled to
love and respect from her daughter: "After all I am her mother." A father feels
his son should listen and take his advice: "I am the father; he should listen and
do what I tell him." The same is true of a husband and wife: "I am his wife; he
should ... " or "I am her husband; she should ... " When family members do not
meet our expectations we may feel the right to be angry. Alternatively, we may
feel that we are unworthy because our expectations are not met and respond by
feeling angry, depressed, etc. Either way, any one consumed by these emotions
will not be very good at bringing about the outcomes they would like (Morelli,
2006d).
The key here to understanding entitlement is to see the word "title" imbedded in
the larger word. Whenever we make a demand based on our title (eg: father,
mother, husband, wife, etc.) we operate from an entitlement perspective. The
solution is to realize that a title is no guarantee of specific behaviors.
The antidote to demanding expectations is to develop preferences for and about
our family members based on love, that is, preferring the good and welfare of
spouse and child, i.e, preferring rather than demanding that children honor
their father and mother, or preferring the mutuality of love and respect between
spouses. Instead of conceptualizing our expectations in terms of an entitlement,
we can frame them as invitation that others may accept in order to help
themselves.
Our Lord never forced anyone by using His title. Instead, He recognized that
obedience and respect are freely given. In the same way the recognition that all
people freely offer obedience and cooperation lifts preferences above a battle of
the wills because the demanding expectation is diminished. People often "dig
in" when they feel coerced into particular behaviors because they feel they need
to save face and protect their self-identity.
How can spouses and parents forego demanding expectations and still bring
about desirable behavior among family members? First of all, spouses and
parents are more likely to be effective in bringing about the desirable
preferences they seek if they are not consumed by anger and depression.
(Morelli, 2005c, 2006c,d). Second, the most effective way of bringing about
appropriate family goals is to state the desires clearly and the consequences if
the desires are not met (Morelli, 2005b, 2006b). Although Jesus did not use His
title to coerce certain behaviors, He was clear about the consequences of

heeding or not heeding His words.
Take the example of a child speaking disrespectfully to his father to understand
how the lesson of this parable could be applied. In the framework of demanding
expectations, the parent could be expected to respond to the disrespect in
emotional terms, probably anger perhaps even a tirade because his title of father
is not acknowledged properly.
A more measured and ultimately more constructive approach is to step aside
from the entitlement and the demanding expectation it engenders and state the
problem in terms of desirable expectations. The father could say, "We do not
talk like that to one another, you were told before if you said that disrespectful
word, you would not be able to watch TV tonight, so tonight there will be no
television, tomorrow you can try again." Consequences, not emotional outbursts
that result from disappointed entitlements, bring about desirable behavior
changes and strengthen family life.
The Orthodox Christian marriage and family vocation is to be a spouse and
parent in the imitation of Christ. Entitlement is the subtle work of the Evil One
and undermines and may even destroy the unity necessary to meet the goals of
this divine vocation. Direct, teach, and most importantly love your spouse and
family with intelligence, mercy, forgiveness, in the same way that Christ loves
His Church.
REFERENCES
Chrysostom, John St, Homily 20. Ephesians 4:202-24. Ethereal Christian Classics
Library. http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf113.iii.iv.xxi.html
Morelli, G. (2005a, July 19). Sex is Holy: Psycho-Spiritual Reflections in a Secular
World. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliSexIsHoly.php
Morelli, G. (2005b, September 17). Smart Parenting Part 1.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliParenting.php
Morelli, G. (2005c, October 14). The Beast of Anger.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAnger.php
Morelli, G. (2006a, January 27). Understanding Brokenness in Marriage.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMarriage2.php
Morelli, G. (2006b, February 04). Smart Parenting Part II.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting2.php
Morelli, G. (2006c, March 10). Sinners in the Hands of an Angry or Gentle God.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliHumility.php
Morelli, G. (2006d, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional Control.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting3.php
ENDNOTE i. This factor emerged from an unpublished study (1981) conducted by Dr.
David Burns at the University of Pennsylvania, Department of Psychiatry, in
collaboration with the author (Fr. George Morelli) of this article. It has been used
successfully in case study clinical trials since 1981.
II. ReciprocityThe One-Way Contract that can Wreck a

Marriage
Making and keeping relationships requires dedication and work. Relationships

need to be nurtured and cared for. Several years ago, the cognitive psychiatristresearcher, A. Beck, wrote an insightful book "Love is Never Enough" that
examined misconceptions about love in marriage. Building a healthy marriage is
a lot more than feeling "in love" Beck explained. Other researchers discussed the
same them. Making and keeping relationships "requires systematic effort over a
period of time" (Burns, 1985).
That marriage in particular requires nurture and care seems self-evident at first
glance, yet many people either don't understand the point or possess the
necessary skills to build a successful marriage. St. Paul addressed the theme in
scripture:
(W)e beseech and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you learned from us how
you ought to live and to please God, just as you are doing, you do so more and
more. For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. For
this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; that
each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor...
(Thessalonians 4: 1-4).
Maintaining a healthy marriage was not a central topic in the writings of the
Church Fathers. Perhaps the inherent difficulties of life in earlier times
compelled people to look for the deeper truths concerning marriage and much
of what is lost today was still self-evident to them. One exception was St.
Gregory of Palamas who wrote of the necessary moral foundation for nurturing
trust in marriage:
God's law allows you to marry one woman and to love with her alone and to
hold her in holiness as your own wife, abstaining entirely from other women.
You can abstain from them if you shun untimely meetings with them, do not
indulge in lewd words and stories and, as far as you can avoid looking at them
with the eyes of both body and soul, training yourself not to gaze overmuch
upon the beauty of their faces (Philokalia IV).
Once the moral foundation is understood and obeyed, relational dynamics can
be established to make the marriage more certain and secure.
Problems in Marriage: Reciprocityi
The evil one relentlessly seeks to undo the love of Christ in a holy blessed
marriage (Morelli, 2006a,b; 2007). The devil's work is made easy if he can sow
seeds of anger, resentment, retaliation or depression (Morelli, 2005).
Reciprocity is a dysfunctional attitude that arises when one spouse demands
that because he is a good and loving person, the other spouse should be good
and loving toward him. The behavior is especially insidious because of the
human propensity to demand what Elder Paisius called "human Justice". The
Elder said:
The Lord said that our justice must exceed that of the Pharisees, because they
were aiming at human justice. That is why they were involved in punishments,
trials, imprisonments, quarrels, and tried to protect their own rights and could
not tolerate...any injustice done to them (Ageloglou, 1998).
The Elder then reminded us of Our Lord's words that "our righteousness must
exceed those of the Pharisees" (Matthew 5: 20).
Reciprocal justice
Much "righteousness must be exceeded" when one or both marriage partners
(or their children, or even other family members) have adopted the
dysfunctional attitude of reciprocity since they view and judge their interactions
in terms of violating human justice. The attitude is detected when one spouse
indicates that because she is a good and loving person, the other spouse should
be good and loving toward her. It often takes a specific form: "I went out of my
way and did a favor my spouse, so my spouse should do the favor I am asking."
The basic proposition in reciprocity is that favors from the other spouse are
earned when a favor is done for them.
By the standards of reciprocal justice, the proposition of tit for tat in the
marriage relationship seems fair. An enterprising defender might even quote the
scriptural injunction from the Law of Moses, "An eye for and eye, a tooth for a
tooth" (Exodus 21:24). But Christ foresaw this in ways that apply to our
discussion where he delineated between divine and human justice. "You have
heard it said, 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'...I say to you, Let you yes
be yes, and your no be no; anything more than this comes from evil'" (Matthew
5:37).
Why did Jesus say that it "comes from evil?" He wanted to show that authentic
love is selfless. Jesus continued, "But I say unto you, that you resist not evil: but
whosoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also."
Clearly this verse should not be misread as license for one spouse to abuse the
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other. Instead, focus on fundamental precept that guides Jesus' teaching: we

must bear one another's burden. Marriage requires that one spouse support the
other; an attitude that reciprocity undermines and may ultimately vanquish.
Reciprocity: Even failing human justice
Thus, on closer examination, reciprocity even fails as human justice because
reciprocity involves one-way or unilateral expectations that exist as "mental
contracts" in the mind of the person who did the initial favor. The contracts are
inherently dishonest and unfair because most often the other spouse did not
know about the contents of the contract. No matter how realistic, valid, and fair
the contact may seem the person holding it, the other may be following a
completely different mental contract.
An example may help us understand the unfairness of reciprocity. The favor
doer may be saying mentally in his own mind: "Ok I did this favor for you, now
you owe me one." The recipient may be saying, "Isn't it kind and generous of my
husband to do this for me, he must love me very much." The string attached to
the favor is not known or agreed upon by the other. This kind of contract would
be thrown out of every court in the land because it lacks full and fair disclosure.
Contracts between spouses and family members (and even friends) should be
fully discussed and agreed upon. Negotiation, involving adaptability and
understanding has to underlie the discussion.
Contract disclosure
For example, suppose a wife takes her husband to the airport to catch an early
flight. She says to herself: "He owes me one he had better start helping me with
the dishes and take the garbage out." She created a unilateral mental contract
and her husband has no idea about it. A better way to approach the problem of a
full garbage cans and dirty dishes collecting in the sink would be to say
something like: "You know, dear, I am happy to give you the ride, but I need
help too. Could you bring the trash cans out to the curb? Could you do the
dishes on the nights you get home early?"
Open discussion like this diffuses anger; an important objective because anger is
the greatest saboteur of attaining desired and appropriate goals (Morelli, 2005).
Remember the lesson taught in the previous article on entitlement (Morelli,
2007). We are not entitled to create unilateral contracts just because those on
whom we impose the contracts are family members.
After the Letdown: Seeking the facts
What happens when people hold reciprocity expectations toward their spouse
they remain unmet? They feel let down. They are especially prone to the "mind
reading error" - a technical term that refers to the unrealistic idea that one
partner should know what the other is thinking, feeling, or desiring. (As
mentioned in an earlier article, all individuals perceive the world differently; it
is the spouses responsibility to communicate to his partner what his wants,

needs and expectations are [Morelli, 2006a,b]).
A good strategy to resolve conflict is to ask without anger or judgment why the
partner did not return the expected favor. The point of the discussion should be
to discover the way each spouse perceives the situation; a fact-gathering
exercise and no more. the other individuals why they acted they did not do the
expected return favor. A mild emotional reaction such as disappointment might
result, but this is approach is much less likely to lead to anger, retaliation, or
depression.
Respecting the choices of others
Open communication requires that we accept the decisions of others even when
we might disagree with them. It respects the freedom people inherently possess.
We see the principle applied even in the teachings of Our Lord. Take for
example, Jesus' exchange with the rich, young, ruler:
And behold, one came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do, to
have eternal life?" And he said to him..."If you would enter life, keep the
commandments." The young man said to him, "All these I have observed; what
do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you
possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come,
follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful; for he had
great possessions. When the disciples heard this they were greatly astonished,
saying, "Who then can be saved?" But Jesus looked at them and said to them,
"With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:
16,-17, 20-22, 25-26).
If Jesus could counsel and at the same time accept the decision of others are we
to act any differently? Did Jesus also not tell us: "Truly, truly, I say to you, a
servant is not greater than his master" (John 13:16). The application to spouse,
family or anyone who does not live up to our expectations becomes immediately
obvious. We can prefer, desire, wish, advise or counsel, but ultimately in
imitation of Christ, we must accept the free decisions of others. Ultimately if one
spouse wants something done and the other is not willing to go along, the
spouse who wants the task done should shoulder the responsibility.
A marriage in Christ
Eliminating reciprocal "one-way contracts", communicating, negotiating in
honesty and truth in Christ's name, are all part of the work and effort that is
involved in bringing about a marriage in Christ. Do these works as if the
marriage and family depends on you; pray and receive the sacraments as if the
sanctity of the marriage depends on God.
REFERENCES
Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain. Mt.
Athos, Greece: Holy Mountain.
Beck, A.T. (1988). Love is Never Enough. NY: Harper and Row.
Burns, D. (1985). Intimate Connections. NY: Signet.
Morelli, G. (2005, October 14). The Beast of Anger.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAnger.php.
Morelli, G. (2006a, January 14). Self Esteem: From, Through, and Toward Christ.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliSelfEsteem.php.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMarriage2.php.
Morelli, G. (2006b). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology.
Fairfax. VA: Eastern Christian Publications.
Morelli, G. (2007, March 15). Good Marriage: How An Attitude of Entitlement
Undermines Marriage.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliEntitlement.php.
ENDNOTE i. This factor emerged from an unpublished study (1981) conducted by Dr.
David Burns at the University of Pennsylvania, Department of Psychiatry, in
collaboration with the author (Fr. George Morelli) of this article. It has been used
successfully in case study clinical trials since 1981.
III. Nagging: The Ultimate Marital Over-Control
"A harsh word stirs up anger" wrote the author of the book of Proverbs many
years ago (Proverbs 15:1). These are wise words confirmed by thousands of years
of human experience since he first penned it. The counsel is particularly true in
marriage where one spouse might provoke another through nagging; a dynamic
that conforms to a predisposition toward control and authority over another
person.
Christian marriage aspires to a higher functioning than control of the spouse.
The ideal is modeled in the relationship of the Persons of the Holy Trinity where
rancor, control, anger, and other characteristics of our disordered human
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existence are not known because "God is love" (1 John 4:8). We also see the love
exemplified in the self-sacrifice of the Second Person of the Trinity - Jesus
Christ, who died for us and for our salvation. The love of Christ is free of
inordinate expectation and demand that marks our disordered lives. Instead,
Christ's loves culminates in opening the gates of the Kingdom of God to those
who accept that love in the creative and life giving terms it imposes.
The Christian ideal is something that Christian spouses work towards. In
spiritual terms, which is to say in terms that recognizes the spiritual dimension
of human existence and activity, the evil one seeks to stir up the predispositions
toward the disordering of relationships including the desire to control the other
person. Nagging represents such disordering because it attempts to impose the
will of one spouse on the other. Nagging militates against St. Paul's exhortation
to "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21) - an
injunction fulfilled in a spirit of Godly love where " ... love is patient and kind" (1
Corinthians 13:4) and thus a replication of God's love toward us.
Coercive control in psychological terms
The pioneering psychologist, Henry Murray (1938), described a behavior
pattern motivated by a need for dominance. (To his credit, Murray considered
such a "need" as hypothetical and conclude that the personality system he
developed did not meeting the standards of science [see Morelli, 2006a, b, c].
Nevertheless, his observations remain valuable because they conceptualize the
dynamic of controlling behaviors.)
One consideration in the operation of needs motivating human behavior was a
factor that he called beta press. Beta press was defined as an individual's
subjective interpretation of the world around him. Studies by numerous
cognitive science researchers have subsequently demonstrated the importance
of such subjective interpretation in producing emotional and behavioral
responses (Morelli, 2006). Research behavioral science has also shown how
controlling behavior patterns are shaped by their consequences interacting with
demanding cognitive expectations (Bandura, 1985).
In popular terminology such coercive controlling behavior is called Nagging. In
discordant relationships, Patterson (1976, 1982) discovered that coercive
controlling behaviors by one individual produce reactive similar coercive
counter-behaviors in others, thus creating a pattern of escalation. This
controlling aggression, or nagging, becomes stronger because of the expectation
that persistence results in a pay-off (Bandura, 1985).
Furthermore, nagging requests are often spoken in a harsh tones which are
perceived by the recipient as aversive. In 1965, Roger Brown made an important
discovery in modern linguistic theory. He reported that whenever we speak, the
tone of voice and the manner in which words are spoken (technically called the
pragmatics of communication or onomatopoeic analysis) do more to
determine meaning of words than the definitions of the words themselves.
Nagging, which by definition is perceived as harsh in tone, frequently engenders
strong hurting emotional responses (anger, depression, etc.).
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Nagging coercion is basically the idea that constant reminders of what your
spouse should or should not be doing is the most effective way of controlling his
behavior in order to get your way. Frequently the individual considers it a duty
to perform these reminders. When individuals do not respond in the expected
way, the nagging person often feels they have the right to be angry and even to
escalate the nagging behavior.
Usually nagging individuals are blind to the effects of their coercion. A person
being coerced into certain behaviors often feel controlled and resist the nagger
in order to maintain a sense of healthy self-worth (Morelli, 2006a). He views the
tasks about which he is being nagged as symbols of a power struggle between a
greater power and himself. He feels a loss of freedom and a sense of being boxed
in. Healthy self esteem is lost.
When a task becomes a symbol of power, a person being nagged wants to avoid
the task as much as possible. Often he engages in oppositional behavior to
maintain some sense of control and asserts himself by acting contrary to what
he perceives he is being coerced into doing. If a husband is constantly being
reminded by his wife to help with the dishes for example, he may purposely not
help at all.
Sometimes a nagged person starts a task in question but does not meet does not
meet the expectations of the coercive spouse. In the example of the husband
above, the nagging wife may label him as "completely uncaring" because dishes
were not washed perfectly. Comments like "it's about time" or "it's too late" are
bantered about. Either way, the husband feels punished.
In this example, the wife does not see the effects of her nagging coercion. She
wonders why her husband fails to help because she does not perceive that he
feels controlled and punished. A better approach would be to employ a shaping
technique (Morelli, 2006). She could reward her husband by telling him "how
much she appreciates his effort to start doing something."
In another example a wife may tell her husband, "Thanks for trying to keep the
sink in the bathroom clean, it really helps me out. I really mean it sweetheart,
thanks." She could then gently suggest a next step, "If next time you could wipe
down the shower a little that would really be a relief for me." Research indicates
using this technique makes it likely that desirable behavior will increase
(Patterson, 1976, 1982).
Communication, collaboration, negotiation

The above problem description suggests other interventions as well. These
involve changing communication interactions, collaborating together, and
negotiating chores and tasks.
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Communication
Research by Gottman (1999) indicates communication skills such as active
listening (where a partner can paraphrase the content and feeling of the other)
are not predictors of a successful marriage. The actual predictors are knowing
the other's thinking and feelings, increasing fondness and admiration for one
another, turning toward rather than away from each other in solving problems,
allowing spouses to mutually influence each other, focusing on solvable versus
unsolvable problems, being able to dialogue on "gridlock" problems, and valuing
and sharing each other's values, philosophies and dreams.
I will focus on each of these working principles in subsequent articles. It should
be noted however, that the basis of each of these principles is accurate
communication. Communication is a necessary but insufficient factor
underlying all marital interaction but it nevertheless required so that these
principles can foster a successful marriage.
Collaboration and negotiation
I will use an example from Gottman's (1999) research to demonstrate how
communication can lead to collaboration, negotiation and thus replace nagging.
Say a couple disagrees over housecleaning. The wife wants a neat home, the
husband is satisfied with the way the house is kept and wants his wife to leave
him alone. Each has different personal values or philosophies guiding them. She
wants a sense of order and security. He wants a sense of freedom in his own
home.
An example of a non-negotiable area for the wife is that she does not want dirty
dishes left in the kitchen sink. The husband cannot abide cleaning up his papers
after he is finished with them. There is some flexibility here for collaboration
and negotiation. She can live with some clutter as long as it is dirt free. In turn,
the husband can agree to do the dishes as long as he does not have to clean up
his papers all the time.
A temporary compromise is possible. The couple will both take responsibility for
the kitchen sink. The wife will not nag her husband about his clutter. They could
communicate and agree on set a time and day he will remove all clutter. If he
misses the schedule, she will put his papers in a box in his home office. Because
they will continue to have different personal value systems, she will always hate
clutter, he will always hate her sense of order.
Spiritual Motivation
Spouse should heed the counsel of our holy fathers in this matter. St. John of
the Ladder (1982) pointed out: "Worse however is to give way to harsh words
which reveal the upheaval on one's soul. But actually to start fighting is
completely inimical to and at variance with the monastic (Christian family, ed.),
angelic and divine life." A few sentences later, this holy saint described the core
of the deleterious effects of nagging: "You wish or rather, have decided to
remove a splinter from someone? Very well, but do not go after it with a stick
instead of a lancet for you will only drive it deeper. Rough speech and harsh
13
gestures are the stick while even-tempered instruction and patient reprimand
are the lancet." A marriage in Christ is a marriage grounded in love: love is
patient and kind, nagging has no place in a Christ-centered marriage (Morelli,
2006d).
REFERENCES
Bandura, A. (1986). A Social Learning Approach to Thought and Action: A Social
Cognitive Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Brown, R. (1965). Social Psychology. NY: Free Press.
Gottman, J.M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Three
Rivers Press.
Morelli, G. (2005, September 17). Smart Parenting Part
I.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliParenting.
Morelli, G. (2006a, January 06). Self Esteem: From, Through, and Toward
Christ.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliSelfEsteem.php.
Morelli, G. (2006b, February 04). Smart Parenting Part II.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting2.php.
Morelli, G. (2006c, May 08). Orthodoxy and the Science of Psychology.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliOrthodoxPsychology.php.
Morelli, G. (2006d). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology.
Fairfax, VA: Eastern Christian Publications.
Murray, H.A. (1938). Explorations in Personality. NY: Oxford.
Patterson, G. (1976). The Aggressive Child: Victim and Architect of a Coercive System.
In E.J. Mash, L.A. Hamerlynck, & L.C. Handy, (Eds.), Behavior Modification and
Families. NY: Brunner/Mazzel.
Patterson, G. (1982). A Social Learning Approach. (Vol. 3). Coercive family process.
Eugene, OR: Castalia
St. John of the Ladder (1982). The Ladder of Divine Ascent. NY: Paulist Press.
ENDNOTE
i.This factor emerged from an unpublished study (1981) conducted by Dr. David
Burns at the University of Pennsylvania, Department of Psychiatry, in collaboration
with the author (Fr. George Morelli) of this article. It has been used successfully in
case study clinical trials since 1981.
14
IV. The Preference Scale
St. John of the Ladder, a prominent Church Father of Orthodox Christianity,

offered some precious counsel about harsh and curt words that married couples
can apply today. "Worse however is to give way to harsh words which reveal the
upheaval on one's soul," he wrote. "Rough speech and harsh gestures will drive
the splinter of 'contention even deeper." In this article I expand on St. John's
teaching with a discussion on how married couples can resolve potentially
contentious issues.
The "Preference Scale" is what I call a tool I developed years ago in my clinical
and pastoral practice to help couples negotiate the conflicts and collaborate on
the problems that marriage inevitably imposes. This tool can foster effective
communication and eventual compromise between husband and wife. The
clinician, chaplain, or pastor can help a couple master the tool, particularly in
terms of "debriefing," where the couple develops a deeper understanding of
previous conflicts that helps them learn how to handle future conflicts in more
constructive ways.
One caveat is in order. The "Preference Scale" presumes a moderate amount of
self-understanding on the part of each spouse. It won't work if the one or both
spouses have unresolved emotional issues, or if they approach conflict and
negation with a private agenda. I recommended professional counseling if these
issues exist (Morelli, 2006a,b,c).
Developing a "Preference Scale"
The scale runs from +10 down to -10:
+10 +9 +8 +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 [0] -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10
On the plus side of the scale activities or events that a spouse likes are rated; the
greater the like, the higher the positive number. On the minus side activities or
events that are disliked are rated; the greater the dislike, the higher the negative
number.
Let me offer a personal example. I like classical music and would rate attending
a concert quite high on the plus side. Tchaikovsky or Bach rate at least +9,
maybe even +10. Opera is a different story. To my ear opera sounds like steel
scraping against concrete, so much so that it deserves -9 or -10. What are some
of my likes and dislikes more towards the center of the scale? I like camping
only "a little" and give it a +3. Watching volleyball warrants only "a little" dislike
and rates -3.
The scale is a simple but it works because it provides a way that that spouses can
know the like and dislikes of their partner. I have discovered in my practice that
very often the spouse who compromises on an activity that rates high on the
negative side of his scale often ends up angry and resentful. They react
15
unfavorably to the activity in ways that colors the whole episode so that the
other spouse (who enjoys the event) feels disappointed and let down.
Granted, life is full of activities we often don't find pleasant. In a marriage
however, limiting the unpleasantness of certain activities can strengthen a
relationship by reducing stress and conflict. One way is to avoid activities that
exceed -5 on any partner's scale. Couples who compromise "below the fives"
often have a great time together.
Virtue in Marriage -- Divine and Human Justice
Sometimes a Christian spouse has a skewed idea of what he can expect of his
partner. I have heard spouses say, "If my wife (or husband) really loved me or
really was committed to me in Christ, they would do anything for me," implying
that proof of the partners' love lies in performing an activity that rates in the
high negatives of the scale. If a marriage worked like a monastery, this
expectation would be reasonable. For all others, it's a recipe for conflict.
The expectation is predicated on a sense of justice, i.e., what is fair and equitable
in human relationships. But the standard of justice for the monastic is different
than what is required for a married Christian. In fact, the monastic fathers
counsel against this type of expectation. Elder Paisius of the Holy Mountain
wrote:
A monk must apply divine justice to his own life. He can let other take his cell
and everything else he owns, if they wish to do so. On the contrary, I don't
believe a family man should apply divine justice and become the reason for the
rest of his family members to be upset. They can live according to divine justice,
provided they all agree to do so. When others depend on you, you must always
take them into consideration, so they will not end up suffering or being
dissatisfied (Ageloglou, 1998).
The elder's can be applied in this way: If one spouse finds something so
unpleasant to do and it lies within the purview of the other to alleviate the
displeasure, it should be done. The "preference scale" is a practical way to help
accomplish that end.
REFERENCES
Morelli, G. (2006b, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php.
Morelli, G (2006c). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology Fairfax
VA: Eastern Christian Publications,
16
Morelli, G. (2007, May 15), Good Marriage III. Nagging: The Ultimate Marriage
Over-Control.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIII.php.
V. Staying Focused
Communication, negotiation, and collaboration are essential tools that

contribute to a stable marriage. They are also complex topics that take more
than one essay to discuss. In a previous article I approached the discussion by
contrasting the effective employment of these tools against the harshness that
results in their absence. Quoting St. John of the Ladder, "Worse however, is to
give to harsh words which reveal the upheaval in one's soul" I explained how
"rough speech and harsh gestures" drive the splinter of contention even deeper
(Morelli, 2007). One simple tool that can avoid contention and harsh feelings is
the Preference-Scale that introduces a practical way that couples can
communicate and negotiate (Morelli, 2007b).
In this article I will introduce a cognitive guideline or in layman terms a way of
thinking, that can also improve communication. Several years ago I counseled a
couple that was unhappy, particularly the wife who initiated the counseling. She
described the source of the unhappiness in her marriage as her "husband's
obsession with golf." She indicated that he played golf every chance he got and
that when he got home he was so tired he had no energy for anything else. She
"hated" his golf friends and blamed them for her husband's "obsession."
The husband told a different story. He loved golf and saw nothing wrong with
the game and reported that his golf friends were good and decent people.
Interestingly, he communicated by innuendo that as husband and father he
could be involved in activities "much worse" than golf such as engaging in
marital infidelity, frequenting nude bars, gambling, etc. He perceived himself as
hard working and enjoyed the relaxation golfing gave him. He loved his wife and
family and provided for them. He was tired of the complaints and asked me,
"What was wrong with the game"?
It became clear almost immediately that golf was not the problem. So I asked his
wife, "If your husband was not playing golf or resting, what would you want him
to do or say? She responded that she wanted him to spend several hours a
weekend doing shared activities they both liked such as going to a movie,
concert, shopping, the shore, or hiking a mountain trail. I asked the husband if
17
he liked those activities. He did. The problem was that because they never
planned anything in advance, he took the initiative to do what he loved the
most: golfing. In fact, he noted that if his wife wanted to do those things and
they could plan them out, he would gladly go.
On the surface the resolution appeared straightforward because no nefarious
motives, no agenda, corrupted the relationship between the couple. I
approached the issue in terms where each spouse tried to understand the view
or the other. Once the wife understood that her husband needed relaxation, and
the husband understood that his wife wanted to spend more time with him, a
compromise was easily reached. Each received a behavioral practice-homework
assignment (Morelli, 2006a,b,c). She would communicate to him what activity
she would like him to do that specified the day, time, and approximate duration
of the activity. He, in turn, would acknowledge the request, agree to it, and
participate in the activity.
What seems easy on paper however, is usually harder in practice. Problems
arose with the assignment that required some fine-tuning. For example, the wife
would wait until the free day to plan an activity. Golf, however, required a two or
three day lead-time to reserve a spot on the course. Since the decision about the
shared activity was delayed, the husband would go ahead and schedule the tee
time. Meanwhile the wife grew more frustrated, thereby starting the cycle of
harshness and recrimination all over again.
Refining the behavioral practice-homework assignment
How did we fine-tune the assignment? The couple decided that a period of time
would be left open every Saturday afternoon. The husband agreed not to
schedule anything, not even golf. The wife agreed not to discuss golf or
disparage her husband's golfing partners. Both would do something together in
the allotted time. It proved to be a workable compromise. The husband
scheduled his golf game earlier in the day, and the wife knew that they would be
able to do something together later on.
Within weeks this negotiated strategy worked. At first the couple checked in
with me by telephone regarding their plans. Soon they planned and executed
their activities on their own. The problem was solved.
Unfortunately not all problems are this straightforward. Since this couple had
good marital satisfaction to begin with, solving the problem was relatively easy.
Golf seemed to be the only major point of contention. Nevertheless, an
important principle was revealed that affects many marriages: often the
apparent problem only masks the real problem. Even in this good marriage, golf
was derailing their relationship, but focusing on golf would never heal it. What
was needed was the targeting of their real problem, in this case was the
husband's need for relaxation and the wife's need to be with her husband. Once
the real problem emerged, collaboration and negotiation provided the solution,
and thus the healing.
In many marriages, the targets of this type of misfocus include, friends, family,
work, recreational activities, even church. This is not to say that these areas may
18
not be a problem. For example, if a husband has a friend who influences him to
frequent an adult lounge after work, his wife would correctly assess that this is
not an appropriate friendship for her husband in terms of strengthening their
marital bond. The moral orientation of this friend is a large problem, so much so
that the friend would be seriously detrimental to a marriage in Christ. The wife
would deal with this problem in terms of the debasing nature of the
entertainment, as well as the detrimental influence of the friend on her
husband. In situations other than these however, it is important to
communicate only her real needs or desires in their relationship.
Working on problems in a marriage, the couple does well if they apply the
characteristics Hausherr (1990) used in describing the spiritual father: "Charity
and discernment are preeminent qualities." What he means is that one must
remain pure and true toward their spouse, and must seek to understand what
their spouse thinks and feels.
St. Maximus the Confessor defined discernment this way:
Again he who does not limit his perception of the nature of visible things to
what his senses alone may observe, but wisely with his intellect searches after
the essence which lies within every creature also finds God ... Discrimination
(discernment) is the distinctive characteristic of one who probes (Philokalia II).
In modern terms, to seek discernment means to develop the capacity to
recognize and know the truth about things and people. Further, were there is
truth, there is God, the scriptures teach us. Thus, couples who get sidetracked by
misfocusing are not on the path on which discernment can be exercised and the
truth found. Rather, it is far better to focus on the real problem because that is
where truth lies and the resolution found.
In this way, the adversity in marriage becomes the means by which great
commandment to love the neighbor as oneself is realized. The words of the
Apostle Paul are heard and applied:
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Let those of us who are mature be thus minded; and if in anything you are
otherwise minded, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what
we have attained (Philippians 3: 14-16).
Further, as the truth is manifested, the sacred character of marriage becomes
stronger. A couple may be able to say, when their time on earth is finished, "I
have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" (2
Timothy 4:7).
REFERENCES
Hausherr, I. (1990). Spiritual Direction in the Early Christian East. Cistercian
Publications, St. Joseph's Abbey: Spencer, MA.
19
Morelli, G (2006c). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology. Fairfax
VA: Eastern Christian Publications,
Over-Control.
Morelli, G. (2007b, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A tool for
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIV.php.
Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (1981). The Philokalia, Volume 2: The
Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Makarios of
Corinth . London: Faber and Faber.
VI. Romantic Love - The Double Edged Sword of Marriage
Most conceptions of human love in today's world focus on romantic attraction.

If romantic love is understood properly it can lead to great blessing; if
understood improperly then marital dysfunction may result.
Solomon sets out the beauty of romantic love in the Canticle of Canticles (Song
of Solomon or Song of Songs). Solomon's words have been applied to individual
spousal relationships as well as the love that God has for His people.
Interestingly, as important and influential the Canticle is to both Jewish and
Christian scholars, almost nowhere in the scholarship is the romantic dimension
of the poem emphasized. Rabbinic sources as well as Christian writers such as
St. Gregory of Nyssa (Musurillo, 1979) focused on the allegorical or symbolic
aspects of the love poem as describing the love of God for his people.
Why is there such relative silence on this romantic dimension? Again, looking at
the commentaries, we discover that the Church Fathers saw the poem as an
allegory of a deeper kind of love than what a surface reading of the poem first
reveals. They taught that the theme of sexual love between man and wife
20
replicates in some measure the nature of Divine Love, particularly the element
where such Love is shared between the One who loves and the one who is loved.
Love, in other words, is a participatory event that consists of being loved and
loving in return. The Canticle reveals both the real nature of love as well as the
nature of Christ's love towards His Church.
St. Maximus the Confessor pointed out the connection:
The beautiful is identical with the good, for all things seek the beautiful and
good at every opportunity, and there is no being which does not participate in
them. They extend to all that is, being what is truly admirable, sought for,
desired pleasing, chosen and loved. Observe how the divine force of love -- the
erotic power preexisting in the good - has given birth to the same blessed force
within us, through which we long for the beautiful and good in accordance with
the words, "I became a lover of her beauty" (Wisdom. 8:2), and "Love her and
she will sustain you; fortify her and she will exalt you" (Proverbs. 4:6-8)
(Philokalia II).
At the most primitive and human level, love begins with the sensual, attractive,
and beautiful dimensions and then progresses to faithfulness and commitment.
Reading the Canticle solely on this foundational level alone obscures its deeper
and more profound message: that the higher level of love is true commitment.
It could be argued, then, that the sensual aspects of human love are the starting
point and foundation of a fullness of love yet to be achieved. For example, in the
first chapter of the poem we read: "Let him kiss me with the kiss of his mouth:
for thy breasts are better than wine, smelling sweet of the best ointments. Thy
name is as oil poured out: therefore young maidens have loved thee" (Canticle
1:1-2). Here the imagery is sensual, erotic and beautiful. This attraction leads to
a caress, the lover invites his beloved: "His left hand is under my head, and his
right hand shall embrace me (Canticle 2:6).
The poem continues so that when separated, the woman will seek out her lover
and bring him to the bridal chamber: "When I had a little passed by them, I
found him whom my soul loveth: I held him: and I will not let him go, till I bring
him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that bore me"
(Canticle 3:4). Her lover reaches out to her and responds to her beauty in
expressive terms: "How beautiful are thy breasts, my sister, my spouse! thy
breasts are more beautiful than wine, and the sweet smell of thy ointments
above all aromatical spices" (Canticle 4:10).
Further, when separated, the lover suffers painful longing and grief: "I adjure
you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him that I
languish with love" (Canticle 5:8). Despite having many others who could be
lovers, the spouse is committed to his one true love: "There are threescore
queens, and fourscore concubines, and young maidens without number. One is
my dove, my perfect one is but one, she is the only one of her mother, the
chosen of her that bore her. The daughters saw her, and declared her most
blessed: the queens and concubines, and they praised her" (Canticle 6: 7-8).
21
The blessing of being united with the spouse is reflected in ravishing imagery:
"Thy navel is like a round bowl never wanting cups. Thy belly is like a heap of
wheat, set about with lilies. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are
twins" (Canticle 7:2-3). Full and everlasting commitment of the spouses to one
another is expressed: "My vineyard is before me. A thousand are for thee, the
peaceable, and two hundred for them that keep the fruit thereof. Thou that
dwellest in the gardens, the friends hearken: make me hear thy voice" (Canticle
8: 12-13).
These are deep themes and won't be grasped by someone who has an immature
notion of the nature of love - which includes many people today unfortunately.
Prevailing conceptions about love never get beyond the primitive and
foundational level of sensual attractiveness (described in chapter five of the
Canticle). Love is perceived solely as romantic arousal of the kind that a couple
might feel in the initial stages of their relationship.
In psychological terms, the misimpression is called a dysfunctional cognitive
factor which means an idea about the nature of the love that may prove
debilitating in a marital relationship. If a couple really believes that love is no
more than experiencing the initial attractions over and over again, then when
those feelings subside (and they will), they tend to believe that the value of their
marriage has declined as well.
When the idea takes hold, the couple becomes susceptible to feelings that
undermine deeper commitment. Disappointment ensues, and the couple may
find it increasingly difficult to enjoy activities together. Sometimes anger arises
leading to more conflict and even greater disappointment. Sooner or later one or
both of the spouses concludes that the love is gone and the marriage is over.
Researcher Aaron Beck (1988) described this corruptive cycle:
There are several kinds of expectations that operate at different stages of a
marriage. The early, romantic expectations concern loving and being loved -continuously. One of life's cruel deceptions is the myth that the intense
idealization and infatuation that draw a couple together will guarantee a loving
relationship over the years.
The cognitive dysfunction often consists of three distortions (Morelli,
2006a,b,c):
Selective abstraction -- Focusing on one event and excluding others. In

this case focusing on the conflict and not considering the times the
couple are getting along.
Magnification or Catastrophizing -- The perception that something is

more than 100% bad, terrible or awful. In this case the conflict is not
rationally assessed.
Arbitrary inference -- Drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in
an ambiguous situation. An alternate 'conclusion' is that conflict
resolution can lead to marital growth. Accepting of differences is just as
much a part of marriage as celebrating sameness. As long as the
"differences" are not legally or morally objectionable (e.g. one's partner
22
wants to sell drugs, be allowed to have an affair, etc.), some differences

can and should be expected and respected by the spouses (Morelli,
2007a,b).
Only when the dysfunctional cognition is confronted can the cycle be reversed.
The unrealistic expectations and the faulty perceptions must be healed. This
begins with understanding the changes that take place in marital emotions over
time. Many marriages do indeed start with intense, highly erotically charged
emotions. As the marriage progresses, these emotions can develop into an
intimate bond of contentment, security, and trust. The changes do not negate
the sensual dimension of the relationship but rather overlay and enhance it.
Marriage involves determination, work, and commitment. The couple has to
love enough to stay together and persevere, especially in the face of problems.
Paradoxically, working together to solve problems often brings the couple even
closer.
The Canticle beautifully describes the deeper dimension of the marital bond in
its later chapters. For example, in chapter six the author recounts what we
would see as problems and perhaps even barriers to the relationship.
Temptations mount on the outside, particularly queens, concubines, and
maidens surround the young man. Yet the man stays focused on his beloved.
"One is my dove, my perfect one is but one, she is the only one of her mother,
the chosen of her that bore her. The daughters saw her, and declared her most
blessed: the queens and concubines, and they praised her" (Canticle 6:8). His
commitment is unflagging.
This theme is affirmed in the Orthodox marriage service as well. The "crowning"
of the couple actually references martyrdom, that is, giving one's life for the
other. As a martyr gives his life for Christ, so must the spouse be willing to give
his life to his wife (and the wife to her husband), and in so doing fulfill the law of
Christ which is to love the neighbor as yourself. It is a call to love that rings
through the intoxication of pleasant emotion into the deeper reservoirs of the
heart and soul from where the sacrificial love is drawn.
REFERENCES
Burns, D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. NY: The New American
Library.
Morelli,
G.
(2005b,
October
14).
The
Beast
of
Anger.

23
Morelli, G (2006c). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology Fairfax

VA: Eastern Christian Publications.
Morelli, G. (2007a, May 15), Good Marriage III. Nagging: The Ultimate Marriage
Over-Control.
Morelli, G. (2007b, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A Tool for
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
Musurillo, H. (1979). (ed., trans.). From Glory to Glory: Texts from Gregory of
Nyssa's Mystical Writings. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.
VII. Desperate Togetherness and the Fear of Being Alone
Love does not insist on its own way (1Cor 13:5).

When Jesus discussed marriage with the Pharisees he said: "Have you not read
that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and
said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to
his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one
flesh" (Mt 19 4-6). He was talking about a spiritual and physical union that
encompasses love, creation and sacrifice.
Unrealistic perception
In some marital relationships, however, togetherness is not defined as a union
of one flesh in Christ. Instead, the partners believe that marital happiness and
satisfaction are acquired through an "incestuous sameness" similar to the
identity problem described by developmental psychologist Eric Erikson (1950).
They believe that a marriage flourishes and that a sense of personal worth and
values occurs only through experiencing an intense love by their partner of their
identical interests, enjoyments, and pursuits. They have in mind not just an
ordinary caring and love, but a notion of caring, affection and togetherness that
has a desperate character to it.
24
Alongside this view of "desperate caring" is the belief that being alone is
distressing, deficient, unfavorable and fearful (phobia). Persons holding such
conceptions and experiencing the accompanying emotions play a game with
those around them. If they think their spouse has intense love for them and
shares their interests, they are happy. If they think their spouse's love is not
intense enough or has different interests, they view themselves as not
worthwhile. Defining oneself in this scenario is like a game of ping-pong.
Feelings of self-worth sail back and forth and someone else holds the paddle.
Yet the player must stay in the game because being alone engenders anxiety and
fear. It should be pointed out that many activities in marriage involve
collaboration (Morelli, 2007). Many times couples come to an agreement on the
areas of household management and shared activities. For example, some
couples find cooking breakfast on a Saturday morning a jointly pleasurable
activity, while others share a liking for a mutual recreational activity. One
couple enjoyed fishing and went on an overnight deep-sea fishing trip once a
month.
However, couples can make the cognitive error of maximizing togetherness by
expecting that they should share and have the same level of enjoyment in all
marital, household and personal activities. Such distorted perceptions allow our
judgment of marital satisfaction and personal happiness to be dependent on the
decisions of others. This could be considered at type of emotional slavery.
Cognitive restructuring
As discussed in Morelli, 2006, restructuring distorted cognitions, also known as
cognitive errors, involves questioning the basis of the perception. This is done
by examining the evidence for the cognition by asking such questions as:
"Where is the evidence one cannot enjoy oneself doing an activity unless it is
totally shared in by one's spouse?" In my pastoral and clinical practice I usually
ask the person holding this view to give me an example of an activity they had
pleasure doing before they were married. One patient described a "National
Geographic" cruise he had taken to the South Pacific. He discussed the friends
he made who shared his interest in archeology, etc. The trip was one of the
highlights of his life.
In responding to his narrative, I emphasized the obvious connection. "You said
you did this before you were married and you thoroughly enjoyed yourself. So,
being with your spouse was not a necessity for engaging in and enjoying the
activity." I asked, "What does this suggest about the requirements for marital
satisfaction which you are setting up for your marital relationship now?" We
went on to discuss how these demanding expectations he created for his
marriage were, in fact without foundation.
He needed to change his expectations. He could restructure his rule system to
say, "it would be nice if my spouse enjoyed a particular activity, but I can still
enjoy myself without my spouse's participation." We discussed the areas of his
marriage in which activities were shared as well as areas which would remain
singular. The pastoral/clinical goal was to break down the perception that the
"desperate togetherness" was a necessity, as well as to abate the fear of being
along.
25
Behavioral research: Do successful marriages involve having

the same views on all activities?
While it is true that couples who have similar interests have a higher level of
marital satisfaction, the areas singled out as most indicative of marital
satisfaction were: similar views on affection, communication, finances, shared
time, sexuality and value of religion (Fowers, Montel and Olson, 1996). These
findings are consistent with Gottman's research that highlighted what he
termed the level of "shared meaning," which he described as involving "a
spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together; a culture
rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for [the] roles and goals that
link...understand[ing] what it means to be part of the family. . . ." Gottman
(1999).
To further refute the notion that the togetherness must be reduced to an
"incestuous sameness," researchers Rankin-Esquer, Burnett, Baucom and
Epstein (1997)found that autonomy was also a crucial factor in marital
satisfaction. Autonomy was defined as the couple's (mutual) encouragement of
independence and individuality between each other. In plain terms, having the
independence to do some activities alone can strengthen the marriage.
Shared meaning and Christian marriage

One important caveat: "Shared meaning" of the kind referenced above must rest
at the core of individual autonomy in marriage. In the Orthodox Church, blessed
marriage is given this "shared meaning" when the divine purpose of marriage is
comprehended and practiced. This meaning draws from the deeper reality of
Christ's relationship to His Church, starting with scripture and carried forward
in the writings of the Church Fathers on marriage.
St. Gregory Palamas, for example, used nuptial symbolism to describe the need
for all to be bound to Christ when he wrote: "The consummation of grief is pure
bridal union with the Bridegroom. For this reason St. Paul, after describing a
married couple's union in one flesh as 'a great mystery,' added, 'but I say this
with respect to Christ and the Church' (Eph 5: 32). As they are one flesh, so
those who are with God are one Spirit...he who cleaves to the Lord is one spirit
with Him" (Philokalia IV). This should be the character of togetherness in an
Orthodox Christian marriage.
A specific example of the danger of a false notion of marital togetherness is
when a husband (or wife) who is the object of a phobic partner feels trapped and
that the partner is manipulating and controlling him in ways which prevent him
from freely giving his love to his wife. He also feels that he must be available
whenever his wife wants him to be. The wife perceives that the husband is not
meeting his spousal obligations and she, too, in a sense, feels victimized,
trapped. It works in the other direction as well. A husband could just as easily
place the same demands on his wife.
The spouse who feels trapped in a definition of love imposed by their spouse
experiences feelings of deprivation and oppression. No spontaneous expressions
26
of love are available in this scenario, and the initial feelings of love erode and are
replaced by anger, anxiety, guilt, and the inability to muster loving feelings
towards the "trapper" spouse. Persons trapped in this marital dysfunction avoid
sharing thoughts and other intimate interactions with their spouses. A
disturbing aspect of this dysfunctional withdrawal is that it increases over time.
Withdrawal allows the trapped spouse to feel relieved and less anxious, to feel
rewarded. He senses a weight being lifted.
Negative Reinforcement of Undesirable Behavior

In behavioral psychology, negative reinforcement is the term that describes a
way of increasing the frequency of a behavior by removing an unpleasant event
(Morelli, 2005, 2006a, b). Unwittingly, the love-defining spouse negatively
reinforces the trapped spouse's withdrawing behavior. By constantly asking for
reassurance and making statements like "If you loved me you would _____,"
the trapper spouse is sabotaging the very outcome so desperately sought,
because the trapped spouse gets relief and pleasant feelings when he or she
withdraws from the presence of the trapper. In turn, the trapper spouse is left
feeling even more insecure. This unfortunate cycle tends to escalate.
Spiritual Considerations: Love Must be Free

St. Paul reminds us: "Love is patient and kind ... Love does not insist on its own
way ... " (1Co 13: 4,5). In his commentary on this passage St. John Chrysostom
pointed out:
Love vaunteth not itself; i.e., is not rash. For it renders him who loves both
considerate, and grave, and steadfast. In truth, one mark of those who love
unlawfully is a defect in this point. Whereas he to whom this love is known, is of
all men the most entirely freed from these evils. For when there is no anger
within, both rashness and insolence are clean taken away. Love, like some
excellent husbandman, taking her seat inwardly in the soul and not suffering
any of these thorns to spring up.i
A husband or wife who requires his or her spouse to show love in a certain way
fails to see that love must be freely given by the giver and received humbly by
the recipient. St. Maximus the Confessor (McGuckin, 2004) taught that: "The
person who fears the Lord has humility as his constant companion . . . . For he
recalls his former worldly way of life, the various sins he has committed ... then,
together with fear, he also receives love, and in deep humility continually gives
thanks to the Benefactor and Helmsman of our lives."
Behavioral Intervention: Assertiveness

A favorable psychological or spiritual result can be brought about by acquiring
the skill of assertiveness to communicate viewpoints and feelings. Assertiveness
is defined as an honest and true communication of real feelings in a socially
acceptable way. This definition has two qualifications: 1. The assertive utterance
should be pleasant, or at least neutral, in tone of voice (also called pragmatics of
speech); 2. And only delivered when pleasant or neutral communication fails to
27
bring about the desired result. If this approach fails, only then should an
escalation of words and increasing communication pragmatics (tone of voice,
volume, pitch, etc.) be employed.
For the Christian, a third corollary applies: All assertive pragmatics must be
done in the love of Christ, which includes patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - what is known in scriptural terminology
as the "fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5: 22-23)" (Morelli, 2006c).
The trapped spouse might mention feeling like a "prison inmate" in this way:
"You know, when you tell me I don't love you unless I do something your way
(then give a behavioral example), I feel trapped. I love you and sometimes I
want to be able to express and show you in ways I really feel. I want to show you
I love you in ways and at the times you want me to, but I feel imprisoned when
you expect and demand me to do it all the time. Maybe we can talk about how to
share our love expressions, and the times we spend together in ways that fit
both our desires."
This hypothetical description may seem stilted. It is offered only to reveal the
tone a person can employ when trying to correct the dysfunction. Clearly, every
couple will choose the words most appropriate for them.
Psychological Incorporation of Spiritual Freedom

St. Irenaeus of Lyons, as quoted by Clment (1995), taught us: "... [Mankind]
was free from the beginning ... For God is freedom and [mankind] was made in
the image of God." To overcome the dysfunctional perceptions that lead to a
sense of entrapment in marriage, both spouses have to internalize this teaching
and make it part of their psycho-spiritual definition of the marriage. A married
couple has to incorporate the same freedom to give, share, receive and accept
the individual ways of showing love that God gave us from the beginning.
Love is never coercive. Those who loved Christ the most were never forced to
love but did so from their heart. Of the woman who was a sinner who came to
Jesus, as described in St. Luke's Gospel, Jesus said, "Therefore I tell you, her
sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven
little, loves little" (Lk 7:47).
Jesus accepted the different ways of showing love from those who loved Him. St.
John wrote: "There they made him a supper; Martha served, and Lazarus was
one of those at table with him. Mary took a pound of costly ointment of pure
nard and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair; and the
house was filled with the fragrance of the ointment" (Jn 12: 2-3).
Those who came to Jesus were also free to reject Him. St. Matthew recounted
the episode of the young man who asked Jesus:
Teacher, what good deed must I do, to have eternal life?" Jesus responded, " ...
keep the commandments" ... "The young man said to him, "All these I have
observed; what do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go,
28
sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven;
and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful;
for he had great possessions (Mt 19:16; 19-22).
But even while accepting those who would reject Him, Jesus never gave up on
them. After the young man left, Jesus told those inquiring as to who can be
saved: "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Mt
19:26).
The spouse feeling trapped should certainly not stop communicating that they
would like their spouse to accept their love, nor how they feel when forced to
show love as defined by the other. But at the same time, both spouses have to
recognize the individuality of the other in showing and receiving love and that it
must be free, spontaneous and come from their heart.
Love Behaviorally Pinpointed

Any communication should be clear and concrete (Morelli, 2006c ). Phrases like
"I want you to love me 'more' or 'less' or 'differently,' etc., are meaningless. Even
requests like "I would like you to spend more time with me," or "I wish you
would stop telling me how to love you" are vague and abstract. An example of a
behaviorally pinpointed request would be: "Let's go out for a romantic dinner
and movie this Friday." Another example, "When you tell me to 'spend more
time with me' I feel trapped and anxious. If you want me to do something, tell
me what it is you want to do and we can discuss it."
Steadfast Love
The word "love" is one of the most frequently used words in the Psalter. Most
often the word love is accompanied with the adjective "steadfast;" a term which
means true, loyal, unchanging, faithful, resolute and strong. This is how the
psalmist describes God's love for His people.
This is also how Christ so loved us when He took on our human nature and, as
we say in the Divine Liturgy, gave us His Body which was broken for us and His
Blood which was shed for us for the "remission of sins." " ... having in
remembrance this saving commandment, the Cross, the Grave, the Resurrection
on the third day ... "
As Christ became our Bridegroom and we became His Bride, so husband and
wife are married into Christ and to each other in steadfastness. Without the
Cross, there is no Resurrection. Without steadfast love no earthly crosses can be
endured.
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered
for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly scorned (SS 8:7).
To overcome the troubles of marriage, may this be the spousal prayer: "My
heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody!
Awake, my soul! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give
29
thanks to thee, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to thee among
the nations. For thy steadfast love is great to the heavens, thy faithfulness to
the clouds. (Ps 57: 7-10).
REFERENCES
Clment, O, (1995). The Roots of Christian Mysticism: Text and Commentary. New
Hyde Park, NY: New City Press.
Erikson, E. (1950). Childhood and Society. NY Norton.
Fowers, B, J., Montel, K. H., & Olson, D. H. (1996). Predicting Marital Success for
Premarital Couple Types Based on PREPARE. Journal of Marital and Family
Therapy, 22(1), 103-119.
Rivers Press.
McGuckin, J.A. (2004). The Westminster Handbook to Patristic Theology . Louisville,
KT: Westminster John Knox Press.
Morelli,
G.
(2005,
September
17).
Smart
Parenting
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parenting-i-raising-well-behavedchildren.
I.
Morelli, G. (2006, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php
Morelli,
G.
(2006a,
February
04).
Smart
Parenting
II.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parenting-ii-raising-well-behavedchildren.
Morelli, G (2006b). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology. Fairfax
Morelli, G. (2006c, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian Charity.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-assertiveness-and-christian-charity.
Morelli, G. (2007, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A Tool for
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/good-marriage-iv-the-preference-scale.
Over-Control.
Morelli, G. (2007b, August 7). Good Marriage VII: 'Desperate Togetherness' and the
Fear of Being Alone. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-goodmarriage-vii-desperate-togetherness-and-the-fear-of-being-alon.
Rankin-Esquer, L A., Burnett, C K., Baucom, H., & Epstein, N. (1997). Autonomy and
Relatedness in Marital Functioning. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 23(2),
175-190.
30
ENDNOTES
i
http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf112.iv.xxxiv.html
VIII. Rejection Phobia
Orthodox Christians have to withstand some bumps in the road of marital life.
The one time during the Rite of the Holy Mystery of Marriage in which a
petition takes place asking God to help the couple overcome trials and ordeals is
in the Betrothal Service, in which in opening ektenia (verses) is the often-prayed
petition: "For our deliverance from all tribulation, wrath, danger and necessity,
let us pray to the Lord."
The Marriage Service Prayer to overcome life ordeals
More focused however are the references made in the Prayer of the Matrimony
Service when the priest prays:
Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, the Priest of mystical and pure marriage ...
.Preserve them as thou didst preserve Noah in the Ark: Preserve them, O Lord
our God, as thou didst preserve the Three Holy Children from the fire; ...
Remember them, O Lord our God, as thou didst remember thy Holy Forty
Martyrs, sending down upon them crowns from heaven...
So while there are many references throughout the Marriage Ceremony to the
"joy of the union" and the blessing of "being provided sons and daughters" and
"thy children as a newly planted olive orchard around thy table," there is also
the prayer that the couple needs God's grace to overcome the trials and
tribulations that will accompany marital life. Thus the priest prays the newly
married couple may obtain God's help to acquire the resiliency, character and
trust in God, shown to us by these saints, thus enabling the couple to overcome
the ordeals that will accompany their lives.
31
Rejection phobia
Rejection phobia is one example of such trials and tribulations, which, when
experienced by one spouse, affects both. An individual with rejection phobia
would likely feel that because they were rejected in some way by their spouse
they were personally 'defective.' This dysfunctional attitude is frequently
accompanied by the perception that if they are rejected by their spouse, they will
also be rejected by other significant persons in their lives, or by others that
could be significant to them in the future.
This perception is unrealistic, and is actually based on several cognitive
distortions. In the cognitive model, cognitive distortions are the equivalent of
inaccurate assumptions. Assumptions must be evaluated for their accuracy and
disputed when found to be without foundation (Beck 1995, Morelli, 2006a,b).
Cognitive distortions: Bringing about Rejection Phobia
Cognitive distortions are varied and include:
Arbitrary Inference is drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in

an ambiguous situation. A husband concludes because his wife
disapproves of something he did, she disapproves of all that he does.
Personalization is blaming yourself for an event you are not responsible
for. A wife became depressed when her husband criticized a parenting
judgment she made and thought he must be critical of her as, wife,
mother and person. This is "personalizing" the statement, of course with
no evidence that her husband was directing it at her as a 'person.' Thus
rejection by a spouse of a specific act by their husband or wife does not
mean they are intrinsically or essentially "unlovable."
Generalization is the tendency to see things in always-or-never
categories. A husband became depressed, when his wife criticized a failed
attempt to fix a kitchen faucet. He irrationally concluded that his wife will
"never" change and will "always" be the same and will think he cannot
repair any household problem. His dysphoria and anxiety led to a selfdefeating pattern of behavior which further distanced him and his wife
and set himself up for the very thing he did not want: a poorer marriage.
Catastrophizing is the perception that something is more than 100% bad,
terrible or awful. Any of the above spousal errors are reacted to
erroneously as the "end of the world," often accompanied by anger.
These cognitive errors often lead to further emotional problems such as anger,
anxiety and or depression, which can contribute to further martial dysfunction.
Cognitive reconstruction
The Church Fathers have consistently counseled examination of our thoughts
and discernment. They were speaking of a spiritual examination, but the advice
is applicable to whether a thought is rational or irrational because we made in
God's image and must use our intellect to find truth. And God is Truth. Jesus
said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life" (John 14:6). St. Peter of
Damaksos wrote: "And should a thought approach shamelessly and ask to be
32
received, saying to him, 'If you doth watch over thoughts and discriminate
between things, you are ignorant and lacking in faith" (Philokalia III). Did not
Jesus tell us: "If you continue in my word ... the truth will make you free" (John
8:32)?
With cognitive evaluation the spouses would discover that on a scale of
problems the martial dispute they have would be evaluated as decidedly low,
surely not a catastrophe. The mental ruler technique is especially helpful in
evaluating such "spousal difficulties" (Morelli, 2006a,b,c).
Thus it behooves us then to use these scientific cognitive restructuring
techniques:
1. Where is the evidence (the evidence for or against the idea or thought)?
2. Is there any other way of looking at it (alternative explanations)?
3. Is it as bad as it seems (what is the worst and best that could happen,
could I live with it, what is the realistic outcome)?
4. What is the effect of holding onto my distorted thoughts (what would
happen if I changed my thinking)?
A clinical example
Some years ago I received a referral of a recently separated male patient . He
was the father of two girls, twelve and eight years old. He was a construction
worker, making an average middle class salary. He lived in a middle class
municipality and residence. He described himself as a loving devoted husband
and father. Collateral consultations verified his description. The presenting
problem was his emotional adjustment to the marital separation and divorce
proceedings. His wife complained of "incompatibility." He indicated she spent
large amounts of money on personal items and gambling. He was more than
ready to support his wife and family in normative standards, but he could not
meet her "extravagant" demands. She is the one who wanted terminate the
marriage. She also had started to date others. His report was substantiated by
collateral consultations with both spousal families. He was rejected by his wife
and his thinking and feeling fit the rejection phobia model quite well. He came
to the conclusion, he was worthless, and no one would ever think he would be
worthwhile. His Beck Depression Inventory (Beck, 1995) scored in the high
range.
Of note was his physical appearance. He was well built but would not be
considered obese in any way, but physically large. He was bearded and rough
looking. Based on physical appearance, a film casting director might place him
in a character actor role as a mountain man' or 'lumberjack. In everyday terms
his personality could be described as friendly, pleasant, kind, loving and
generous. After several months of clinical intervention he came to accept the
marital breakup and divorce. He could not accept his physical appearance. His
self image was that he was "totally ugly." He became more depressed and was
sure no one would ever want to be with someone who "looked like him." He
would never be able to have a meaningful relationship with anyone again. He
held all the cognitive distortions listed above for bringing about rejection
phobia. He created a failure scenario for the rest of his life.
33
Clinical intervention involved protracted use of the cognitive restructuring

questions listed above. Every time he made a statement I would ask him the
questions mentioned above. I had to be extremely tenacious and persistent. I
tried to show him he was creating his "own set of absolutistic rules" about who
would find him attractive. (Ellis & Harper, 1961). After working with him to
enable him to understand he had no verified information about what others
were feeling or thinking (the mind reading error, Burns, 1980, Morelli,
2006a,c), he came to accept that his failure scenarios were without foundation. I
then came up with an analogy that began to make a clinical breakthrough
concerning his appearance. I pointed out that the relation between beauty and
attraction could be compared to a child's pegboard game. The way of winning
the game is to put the right shape peg in the right shaped hole (round holeround peg, square hole-square peg, etc.). The first attempt might fail but with
many attempts, eventually a fit can be found. This enabled him to continue to
work toward the goal of finding a loving partner and remarrying. While
spirituality was not central to his life, he took his daughters to church on Sunday
and knew I was a priest and was in some way modeling Christ. He knew from
the beginning I would pray for him.
Amazingly he underwent a number of rejections (wrong peg and hole). Finally
he came to one appointment and said to me "Fr. George, you will not believe
this, the most beautiful and nicest girl I ever met, likes me and wants to date
again. She could be a twin of Elizabeth Taylor, most important she appears
really genuine ... .etc." They also shared a similar previous relationship
experience. She also was divorced through no fault of her own and had a
daughter about the same age as his daughters. After several months of dating
his initial impression remained and their mutual love deepened. I had both of
them come to my office for pre-marital counseling. My clinical and personal
impression of his assessment of her and their relationship was correct. They
subsequently became engaged and had a church wedding. I followed up on the
case several months apart for about a year and their marital satisfaction
remained quite high.
Pre-marital and early marital intervention
The seriousness of this case points out the need for our Arch-pastors, pastors to
be engaged in pre-marital programs with couples contemplating Holy
Matrimony. Two such services are Facilitating Open Couple Communication
Understanding and Study (FOCCUS- http://www.foccusinc.com/) and the PrePrepare Enrich Program (http://www.prepare-enrich.com/). These programs
also offer intervention services for troubled marriages. Of course such programs
have to be adapted to Orthodox Christian spirituality for couples in eastern
Christian jurisdictions One lesson from the case above is for couples to seek help
in a troubled marriage as soon as possible, long before breakup is the only
option or choice that can be made.
Dependency on Father, Son and Holy Spirit
Whether spouses are attempting to overcome problems themselves, or seek
clinical or pastoral help, all involved should keep Our Lord's counsel in mind: "I
am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is
34
that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15: 5). As
described to us by Ageloglou (1998), Elder Paisius of the Holy Mountain
believed " ... the grace of God was the only cause of any good; for every evil he
blamed himself ... " We must acquire and work toward humility. I pray that I,
first of all and everyone who reads this article will heed the Elder's council. It is
only in this spirit any human intervention of healing any infirmities and
diseases can be viewed. The healing Christ is the basis of all human healing.
REFERENCES
Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. The Guilford Press: New
York.
Burns, D. (1980). Feeling Good. New York: William Morrow.
Ellis, A. & Harper, R.A. (1961). A Guide to Rational Living. Secaucus NJ: Lyle Stuart:.
Morelli, G. (1987). Overcoming Anger. The Word, 31,3, 9-10.
Morelli, G. (2006a, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World.
Morelli, G. (2006b, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional Control.
Morelli, G (2006c). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology. Fairfax
Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3: The
Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of
35
IX. Trapped in a False Definition of Marital Love
The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 9:9
A serious problem arises in a marriage when one partner holds the view that in
order to feel complete, the other partner must prove his love through sharing
identical interests and enjoyments (Good Marriage VII, Morelli, 2007b). They
have in mind not just an ordinary caring and love, but a desperate caring,
affection and togetherness. This implies that if one spouse loves and cares about
their partner, the partner is duty-bound to spend time with the other whenever
it is requested. Not doing so indicates diminishing love and interest. The article
also pointed out the perception shaping the demand: being alone is bound to be
distressing, deficient, unfavorable and fearful -- a phobia (fear) in other words.
This follow-up article focuses on the reaction of the spouse who is the object of
the phobic partner. The husband (or wife) feels trapped; the partner is
manipulating and controlling him in ways that prevent him from freely giving
his love to his wife. He also feels that he must be available whenever his wife
wants them to be. The wife perceives that the husband is not meeting his
spousal obligations and she too, in a sense, feels victimized trapped. It works in
the other direction as well. A husband could just as easily place the same
demands on his wife.
The spouse who feels trapped in a definition of love imposed by the spouse
experiences feelings of deprivation and oppression. No spontaneous expressions
of love are available in this scenario, and the initial feelings of love erode and are
replaced by anger, anxiety, guilt, and the inability to muster loving feelings
towards the "trapper" spouse. Persons trapped in this marital dysfunction avoid
sharing thoughts and other intimate interactions with their spouses. A
disturbing aspect of this dysfunctional withdrawal is that it increases over time.
Withdrawal allows the trapped spouse to feel relieved and less anxious, to feel
rewarded. He senses a weight being lifted.
Negative Reinforcement of Undesirable Behavior
In behavioral psychology negative reinforcement is the term that describes a
way of increasing the frequency of a behavior by removing an unpleasant event
(Morelli, 2005, 2006a, b). Unwittingly, the love-defining spouse negatively
reinforces the trapped spouse's withdrawing behavior. By constantly asking for
reassurance and making statements like "If you loved me you would _____",
the trapper spouse is sabotaging the very outcome so desperately sought
because the trapped spouse gets relief and pleasant feelings when he or she
withdraws from the presence of the trapper. In turn the trapper spouse is left
feeling even more insecure. This unfortunate cycle tends to escalate.
36
Spiritual considerations: Love Must be Free

St. Paul reminds us: "Love is patient and kind ... Love does not insist on its own
way ... " (1 Corinthians 13: 4,5). In his commentary on this passage St. John
Chrysostom pointed out:
Love vaunteth not itself (ed: is not rash). For it renders him who loves both
considerate, and grave, and steadfast. In truth, one mark of those who love
unlawfully is a defect in this point. Whereas he to whom this love is known, is of
all men the most entirely freed from these evils. For when there is no anger
within, both rashness and insolence are clean taken away. Love, like some
excellent husbandman, taking her seat inwardly in the soul and not suffering
any
of
these
thorns
to
spring
up.
http://www.haywardfamily.org/ccel/fathers2/npnf112/npnf1147.htm#P1601_9
72185.
A husband or wife who requires his or her spouse to show love in a certain way
fails to see that love must be freely given by the giver and received humbly by
the recipient. St. Maximus the Confessor taught that: "The person who fears the
Lord has humility as his constant companion ... For he recalls his former
worldly way of life, the various sins he has committed ... then, together with
fear, he also receives love, and in deep humility continually gives thanks to the
Benefactor and Helmsman of our lives."
Behavioral Intervention: Assertiveness
A favorable psychological or spiritual result can be brought about by acquiring
the skill of assertiveness to communicate viewpoints and feelings. Assertiveness
is defined as an honest and true communication of real feelings in a socially
acceptable way. This definition has two qualifications: 1) The assertive utterance
should be pleasant, or at least neutral, in tone of voice (also called pragmatics of
speech); and 2) only delivered when pleasant or neutral communication fails to
bring about the desired result. If this approach fails, only then should an
escalation of words and increasing communication pragmatics (tone of voice,
volume, pitch, etc.) be employed.
For the Christian a third corollary applies: All assertive pragmatics must be
done in the love of Christ which includes patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - what is known in scriptural terminology
as the "fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5: 22-23)" (Morelli, 2006c).
The trapped spouse might mention feeling like a "prison inmate" in this way:
"You know when you tell me I don't love you unless I do something your way
(then give a behavioral example), I feel trapped. I love you and sometimes I
want to be able to express and show you in ways I really feel. I want to show you
I love you in ways and at the times you want me to, but I feel imprisoned when
you expect and demand me to do it all the time. Maybe we can talk about how to
share our love expressions, and the times we spend together in ways that fit
both our desires."
37
This hypothetical description may seem stilted. It is offered only to reveal the
tone a person can employ when trying to correct the dysfunction. Clearly every
couple will choose the words most appropriate for them.
Psychological Incorporation of Spiritual Freedom
St. Irenaeus of Lyons as quoted by Clement (1995) taught us us: "(Mankind) was
free from the beginning ... For God is freedom and (mankind) was made in the
image of God." To overcome the dysfunctional perceptions of that lead to a
sense of entrapment in marriage, both spouses have to internalize this teaching
and make it part of their psycho-spiritual definition of the marriage. A married
couple has to incorporate the same freedom to give, share, receive and accept
the individual ways of showing love that God gave us from the beginning.
Love is never coercive. Those who loved Christ the most were never forced to
love but did so from their heart. Of the woman who was a sinner who came to
Jesus, as described in St. Luke's Gospel, Jesus said; "Therefore I tell you, her
sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven
little, loves little" (Luke 7:47).
Jesus accepted the different ways of showing love from those who loved Him. St.
John wrote: "There they made him a supper; Martha served, and Lazarus was
one of those at table with him. Mary took a pound of costly ointment of pure
nard and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair; and the
house was filled with the fragrance of the ointment" (John 12: 2-3).
Those who came to Jesus were also free to reject Him. St. Matthew recounted
the episode of the young man who asked Jesus: "
"Teacher, what good deed must I do, to have eternal life?" (Matthew 19: 16).
Jesus responded, " ... keep the commandments" ... "The young man said to him,
"All these I have observed; what do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would
be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have
treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he
went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions (Matthew 19: 19-22).
But even while accepting those who would reject Him Jesus never gave up on
them. After the young man left Jesus told those inquiring as to who can be
saved: "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"
(Matthew 19:26).
The spouse feeling trapped should certainly not stop communicating that they
would like their spouse to accept their love and how they feel when forced to
show love as defined by the other. But at the same time, both spouses have to
recognize the individuality of the other in showing and receiving love and that it
must be free, spontaneous and come from their heart.
Love Behaviorally Pinpointed
Any communication should be clear and concrete (Morelli, 2006c ). Phrases like
"I want you to love me 'more' or "'less' or 'differently' etc., are meaningless. Even
38
requests like "I would like you to spend more time with me", or "I wish you
would stop telling me how to love you" are vague and abstract. An example of a
behaviorally pinpointed request would be: "Let's go out for a romantic dinner
and movie this Friday." Another example, "When you tell me to 'spend more
time with me' I feel trapped and anxious. If you want me to do something, tell
me what it is you want to do and we can discuss it."
Steadfast Love
The word "love" is one of the most frequently used words in the Psalter. Most
often the word love is accompanied with the adjective "steadfast"; a term which
means true, loyal, unchanging, faithful, resolute and strong. This is how the
psalmist describes God's love for His people.
This is also how Christ so loved us when He took on our human nature and, as
we say in the Divine Liturgy, gave us His Body which was broken for us and His
Blood which was shed for us for the "remission of sins." " ... having
remembrance this saving commandment, the Cross, the Grave, the Resurrection
on the third day ... "
As Christ became our Bridegroom and we became His Bride, so husband and
wife are married into Christ and to each other in steadfastness. Without the
Cross, there is no Resurrection. Without steadfast love no earthly crosses can be
endured.
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered
for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly scorned Canticle 8:7
To overcome the troubles of marriage, may this be the spousal prayer: "My
heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody!
Awake, my soul! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give
thanks to thee, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to thee among
the nations. For thy steadfast love is great to the heavens, thy faithfulness to
the clouds.
Psalm 57: 7-10.
REFERENCES
Clement, O, (1995). The Roots of Christian Mysticism: Text and Commentary. New
Hyde Park, NY: New City Press.
McGuckin, J.A. (2004). The Westminster Handbook to Patristic Theology . Louisville,
KT: Westminster John Knox Press.
Morelli,
G.
(2005,
September
17).
Smart
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliParenting.
Parenting
I.
39
Morelli,
G.
(2006a,
February
04).
Smart
Parenting
II.

Morelli, G. (2006c, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliAssertiveness.php.
Charity.
Over-Control.
Morelli, G. (2007b, August 7). Good Marriage VII: 'Desperate Togetherness' and the
Fear
of
Being
Alone.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageVII.php.
X. Perfectionism
Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your

mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable
and perfect. (Romans 12:2)
There is no doubt that to be a Christian is to be called to a life of perfection in
Christ. St. Paul's exhortation to the Romans is based on Our Lord, God and
Savior Jesus Christ's own words: "You, therefore, must be perfect, as your
heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5: 48). St. Paul admonishes the
Corinthians: " ... let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and
spirit, and make holiness perfect in the fear of God" (2 Corinthians 7:1).
The holy spiritual Fathers of the Church were focused on perfection. This is so
well illustrated in the subtitle of Book I of St. Gregory of Nyssa's Life of Moses
(1978). The subtitle of Book I is: "Concerning the Perfection In Virtue."
Christian perfection is not limited to the individual and their relation to God
and neighbor but to the marital relationship itself. One of the petitions of the
opening Ektenia or litany of the Betrothal Service prays "[God] will send down
upon them perfect and peaceful love, and His help, let us pray to the Lord."
40
Perfectionism vs. Striving to be Perfect

In a previous article (Morelli, 2005b, 2006), the difference between the Christ's
command to "be perfect," was distinguished from the "perfectionism" regarded
as a cognitive-emotional aberration by mental health clinicians and researchers.
The point was made that the Holy Church Fathers were realistic in their
understanding of Christ's words.
For the Church Fathers, the human element must be taken into account. God is
infinite and humans are finite. God is boundless and endless, humans are
always in process. Human existence will always be the ascent of a ladder, an
ascent that never reaches the top. Bishop Hilarion Alfeyev (2000), comments on
St. Isaac of Syria's teachings on perfection: "..this ascent is endless, as its aim is
the unbounded God.." Bishop Hilarion then quotes St. Isaac: "The limit of this
journey is so truly unattainable that even the saints are found wanting with
respect to the perfection of wisdom, because there is no end to wisdom's
journey. Wisdom ascends even till this : until she unites with God ... And this is
the sign that the insights of wisdom have no limit: that wisdom is God Himself."
That perfection is ever ongoing and never completed is even made more clear in
Bishop Hilarian's quote from another of St. Isaac's writings: "For a man can
never complete the work of repentance. It is always suitable to every sinner and
righteous man who wishes to gain salvation. There is no limit to perfection, for
even the perfection of the perfect is truly without completion. And for this very
reason repentance is bounded neither by periods of time nor by works until a
man's death."
Mankind is Finite
It is in this spirit of understanding that the expectations in marriage, both of
oneself as a spouse and of the spousal behavior of the other, should be formed.
It is important to keep in mind and to apply this marital ektenia petition of St.
John of the Ladder, (1982) who said: "Love, by its nature, is a resemblance to
God, insofar as this is humanly possible" (emphasis added). We have to
remember we are human.
This is not to condone or justify any personal or marital wrong. It is to focus on
the good will, intention and striving for perfection in marriage. A perfect and
peaceful love in marriage would conform to St. Paul's so well known description
of love as he told the Corinthians: "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous
or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is
not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends; (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8).
Mankind is Fallen
Mankind is fallen. We are inclined to imperfection and sin. We know our
intellect is wounded. We think, feel and do inappropriate things (Morelli,
2005b). St. Symeon the New Theologian, tells us: "After the devil and his
demons had brought about man's exile from paradise and from God by making
41
him transgress, they found they could inwardly derange - to a greater or lesser
extent - anyone's reason whenever they wanted to." (Philokalia IV).
Clinical behavioral researchers and mental health practitioners have shown that
cognitive distortions (or 'deranged reason' as St. Symeon so aptly describes it)
produce marital conflict (Morelli, 2006a). Individuals do not know the "state of
mind, attitudes thoughts and feelings" of the other so they impose their own
interpretation. There is a tendency to rely on ambiguous signals from the other
and interpret them based on the observers own attitudes, thoughts and feelings.
They tend to make demanding expectations of the other and catastrophize and
overevaluate outcomes that do not turn out as expected. Conflict, anxiety, anger
and depression are often the result. Psychologically we have to build up
imperfection tolerance, spiritually we have to develop a spousal love, following
the counsel of St. Paul, that is patient, not rude or arrogant, or insistent on it's
own way. This is a marital love that can bear and endure things while still
working with one's spouse to make marital wrongs more right.
Self-Perfectionism
One type of perfectionism is a spouse thinks that to be a good spouse, a husband
or wife has to be adequate or even superior in ways the culture defines as
important. It should be kept in mind the predominant culture in the Western
world today, is a secular, materialistic and pagan. The values of this culture
include: youthfulness, allure, attractiveness, clothes, creativity, enchantment,
fascination, glamour, intelligence, magnetism money, occupation, personality,
popularity, power, status, sexual skill, success, and title. They also may think
they have to be the best or outstanding father or husband, mother or wife.
Many of these cultural values need not be intrinsically evil or wrong. For
example, to be dressed in appropriate clothing could be considered a statement
of love, caring and diligence. To attain excellence in an occupation and give
glory to God in thanksgiving for having provided an individual their abilities
could be spiritually enlivening. It is only when these characteristics are defined
according to our secular, pagan, humanistic un-Christ-like societal values, and
we make them the center of our own worth or the worth of our spouse that there
is a problem.
Spouses with self perfectionism may think they can only be loved by their
husband or wife if they are "perfect." They are actually employing the mind
reading cognitive distortion. As noted in a previous article (Morelli, 2006c), in
mind reading a person may think others will label them as failures if they
stumble in some task. They may also label themselves as failures. In marital
situations they define stumbling as what they think the behavior is their spouse
wants of them and how their spouse labels and evaluates hem if they do not
measure up.
A husband may say "I cannot hammer a nail without banging my fingers and
ruining the wall, my wife won't think of me as a 'man' any more." Challenging
and refuting this pernicious irrational thinking involves accepting only verified
outlooks: "I have no evidence what my spouse thinks of my carpentry skills. In
fact she may not even value hammering nails or think it important. She might
42
even think more of me because I am a good cook. I need more information

about her thoughts and feelings, let me ask her." It is even possible his wife may
even feel more endearing toward him. Affection might be stirred in his wife as
her views and feelings are sought out and appreciated by her husband.
Other Perfectionism
The other side of the perfectionism coin is to expect one's spouse to be perfect.
Realistically, as stated above no one has yet attained the state of perfection. No
one can perform perfectly in all things in every aspect of life, all the time. This
"other perfectionism" is thus utterly unrealistic. Holding on to this irrational
expectation is a setup for the dysfunctional emotions of anger, depression,
disillusionment, frustration and resentment. No one can meet such irrational
expectations. At best someone may perform reasonably well in a few areas of
their lives during some times of their lives. It should be pointed out this is not to
condone mistakes, less than perfect behavior and surely not sinful behavior. It is
merely to point out we need to develop imperfection tolerance.
As mentioned above, the spiritual basis of this imperfection is that we are
"broken" since the fall of Adam and Eve (Genesis 2,3). St. Athanasius and St.
Gregory of Nyssa saw mankind initially created walking hand in hand with God,
but as this "communion of divine contemplation" was lost through neglect,
Adam, Eve and all subsequent mankind "progressively wandered into alienation
from God" (McGuckin, 2004). As I said in a previous article (Morelli, 2006a):
The brokenness we have inherited from Adam we experience as passions.
"Passions are defined as the inclinations to sin." This 'theology of brokenness'
should be incorporated into the understanding of marriage.
The Mental Ruler Technique and The Preference Scale
In developing imperfection tolerance the use of The Mental Ruler Technique
(Burns, 1980, Morelli, 2006b) and The Preference Scale (Morelli, 2007) are
particularly useful.
In helping to realistically evaluate spousal behaviors or performance a mental
ruler should be employed. This involves evaluating a the spousal actions (or
non-actions) on a zero to 100 scale, with zero being the most pleasant thing you
could picture happening to you Patients frequently have little trouble imaging a
very pleasant event (zero). Sitting on a sun drenched tropical beach is a typical
image. Patients need much help however, imaging a worst event (100). I offer
the example of a medical missionary in South East Asia several years back who
suffered a horrifying death. His captors placed chopsticks in his ears and
hammered them in a little each day until they penetrated his brain and killed
him.
Sabotaging the Mental Ruler
An important caveat: Do not employ the mind reading error (Morelli, 2005a).
Instead of focusing on the objective action to be evaluated, a spouse focuses on
what they think is the other's motive. In troubled marriages, couples are likely
to put their own construction or interpretation on their spouse's behavior. This
43
mind reading occurs using another cognitive distortion: arbitrary inference.

Arbitrary Inference is drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in an
ambiguous or neutral situation.
For example, consider this situation: a husband may offer his wife a cup of
coffee. His interpretation and motivation might be: "I love her and would like to
do something nice for her." His wife might, without evidence, employing the
mind reading thinking error may interpret his motive quite differently: "Now he
is even trying to tell me what I should drink , why can't he let me make decisions
for myself, why is he always trying to control me."
To properly employ the mental ruler, the objective event should be evaluated
itself not the motive or interpretation. Mind reading should be challenged by
asking each other what motive is behind any action. For dialogue to work,
couples have to communicate honestly. If one of the spouses does not want their
husband or wife do something, this should be communicated to and be
complied with, by the other spouse.
In the above example, the concerned wife might ask: "John, why are you
offering me coffee?" His response: "I wanted to do something nice, I love you."
Her response: "Thanks I appreciate your love, but please let me decide what I
choose to drink in the morning, it is really important to me." A desirable
response from her husband: "OK! I'm glad you appreciated my effort, but if it is
that important, I will honor your wish." (This dialogue may appear somewhat
stilted, but is a 'model' of how respectful mind reading challenging and
communication can go.)
Couples can now combine the use of The Mental Ruler Technique and The
Preference Scale to build imperfection tolerance. A reminder about these
procedures discussed more fully in other articles:
The Preference Scale runs from +10 down to -10:
+10 +9 +8 +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 [0] -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10
On the plus side of the scale favorable or desirable behaviors of their spouse are
rated; the greater the liking, the higher the positive number. On the minus side
spousal behaviors or performances that are disliked are rated; the greater the
dislike, the higher the negative number.
The range in which to practice imperfection tolerance is in the -1 to -5 range.
Behaviors or performances below this range -6 to -10 are possibly serious
problems that should be dealt with by more invasive psychological procedures
(Morelli, 2005b).
Examples of behaviors most often reported by couples that are most amenable
to intervention developing imperfection tolerance in the -1 to -5 range usually
involve typical everyday differences in lifestyle and behavior in marriages that
all spouses confront: leaving dirty dishes in the sink, dropping laundry on the
floor, leaving the toothpaste tube uncapped, over or undercooking a dinner dish,
44
missing an appointment, being late from work or chore, forgetting a birthday or

other celebration, forgetting to pick up an item in the store, etc.
Extremely Serious Problem Behaviors
Some behaviors are beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors would rate
in the extreme minus range. All have to be dealt with immediately, firmly and
with interventions appropriate to the seriousness of the behavior. Adultery
would be an example of a behavior that is not to be tolerated and requires
immediate spiritual and psychological intervention. Consultation with one's
spiritual father or mother, parish priest or trained priest is a necessity. Prayer
and the Holy Mysteries of the Church will be the foundation of any spiritual
intervention. Professional help, by licensed, experienced and spiritually
prepared mental health practitioners must be sought and used.
A common misconception is that adultery of necessity means the end of a
marriage. This is far from the truth. Christianson and Jacobson (2000) cite
research that indicates "infidelity" is a "reconcilable difference." I have worked
clinically and pastorally with couples that have been able to reconcile after
adulterous relationships. Another common misconception is adultery is the
start of marital problems, research shows just the opposite, it is actually the
consequence of serious problems already in a marriage (Gottman, 1999). This is
an important reason for couples to seek professional intervention when
problems first arise. This is also an important reason for pre-marital and
continuing marital programs so Orthodox Christian marriages may start out
strong and maintain their spiritual and psychological health throughout their
lifetime.
Spousal Abuse
There is another category of spousal behaviors that is beyond imperfection
tolerance. These behaviors fall into the category of extreme abuse. This abuse
behavior is seriously sinful and immoral and would certainly be considered
illegal in most Western governmental jurisdictions. Abuse falls into four
categories:
Physical, (hitting, battering, etc.);

Sexual, (forcible intercourse, inappropriate touching, glancing, language
etc.);
Psychological (calling someone by demeaning terms "You idiot, looser"
[actually mild, often far worse words or phrases);
Neglect (legally denying food, shelter, education, or necessary care);
For a fuller treatment of this issue refer to Morelli, 2005c Abuse: Some Pastoral
and Clinical Considerations. Immediate protection from the abuse must be
enacted. This may mean physical separation. All laws relating to abuse must be
followed, including reporting to the proper law enforcement agencies. As some
of these extreme abuse behaviors are illegal, it should be noted arrest and
incarceration of the abuser after juridical procedures would result. Medical and
psychological treatment should be considered and employed as appropriate.
Medical and psychological consultation is a necessity in such circumstances.
45
A Note on Musical Marriage

In modern, pagan, secular culture we live in an era of 'musical marriage.' Just as
in the musical chair game, when the song plays you dance around and sit and
change chairs when the music stops. Of course someone falls off and cannot find
a chair. In marriage you dance the marital game until the personal marriage
song you are playing stops then you sit down and your partner falls off. The
various terms for this cultural phenomenon are "trial marriage," "serial
marriage," "polyamorous marriage," "open marriage," "common law marriage,"
or just "room mating" etc. If some formal marital license or marriage service
was involved to legitimizing the couple before the state, then a legal divorce
paper is involved in terminating the relationship. Otherwise these musical
marriage or relationships are performed outside the law.
A glance at celebrity Hollywood, MTV, or soap opera themes presents the
model. Changing partners does not involve The Preference Scale or The Mental
Ruler, outlined above. It is as simple as picking an ice cream flavor from a store:
yesterday I wanted pecan today I want mint, tomorrow I may want vanilla. Any
flavor any time is my choice. Any reason I want to change partners is acceptable.
Unfortunately this thinking has permeated the value system of some who call
themselves Christian, but it is afar from the commitment Christ asks from His
true followers.
Orthodox Christian marriage
As St. Paul told the Galatians (3:27): "For as many of you as were baptized into
Christ have put on Christ." This garment is then sealed with the Holy Spirit in
Chrismation. In marriage we are to be Christ Himself to our partners. To the
modern ear, St. Paul's message to the Galatians (5: 23-30) may seem at first
sexist and misogynist. St. Paul writes:
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives
also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as
Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her,
having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might
present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such
thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should
love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no
man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the
church, because we are members of his body.
In actual fact St. Paul's words broadcast the highest love and respect that
husband and wife should mutually have for each other. He writes "the husband
is the head of the wife and thus wives be subject in everything to their
husbands", but this cannot be separated from St. Paul's later words quoted that
the husband would "love their wives as their own bodies" not hating his flesh
but nourishing and cherishing it as Christ loves His church. The Church is the
Body of Christ. Spouses have to work out the details of how this mutuality of
love will be worked out in the culture in which they live.
46
Orthodox Christian Marriage is Mutual-Equal Respect and Love

If the focus of the understanding is the beginning of the passage, describing the
husband as "head" and wives as "subject" . It would surely would be interpreted
in Western culture as misogynist. The key to understanding the meaning of St.
Paul's frequently quoted passage is precisely however the later verse: "For no
man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the
church." This in fact means the wife and husband are of the same flesh and
value. He would value her and her preferences as he values his own. Thus there
is an equality in respect and love.
Christ's message must permeate all cultures
A cursory glance at any introductory anthropology textbook would testify to the
wide variety of cultural expressions that make up the world. Cultural
anthropology is a science of mankind. "It studies all facets of society and
culture. It studies tools, techniques, traditions, language, beliefs, kinships,
values, social institutions, economic mechanisms, cravings for beauty and art, ...
struggles for prestige. It describes the impact of humans on other humans.
(http://www.cyberpursuits.com/anthro/default.asp).
It is not the role of the Church to determine the structure of any particular
cultural institution. It is also not the role of the Church which was founded in a
specific culture to impose or endorse that culture as intrinsic to Christ's
message. Christ's message has to permeate all cultures. The role of the Church is
merely but most importantly to proclaim that whatever expression a culture
takes, the totality of Christ's love must permeates it. Our Lord told his disciples
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and
make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of
the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have
commanded you" (Matthew 28: 18-20).
"Baptizing all nations" is not intended to bring all nations into the Jewish
culture. St. Paul was the first to argue that the Gentile culture could receive
Christ. The ritual laws of the Jews would not be necessary for commitment to
Christ. He said to the Corinthians: "To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to
win Jews; to those under the law I became as one under the law--though not
being myself under the law--that I might win those under the law. To those
outside the law I became as one outside the law--not being without law toward
God but under the law of Christ" (1 Corinthians 9: 20-21).
A Non-Marital Example
Please permit me an example removed from marriage. The average American,
or individual in a Western culture would no doubt consider "democracy" the
highest (and best) form of government. But this is not Christ's message. A
kingdom, or empire could be Christ-like, a king or emperor could treat his
subjects in a spirit of Christ-like love. In fact it could be argued a Christ-like king
would never allow the tyranny of abortive-murder or same sex marriage allowed
as is in many so called "democratic' nations. There is nothing intrinsically
47
Christ-like or satanic about any form of government: autocratic, democratic,

socialist etc.
Application to Marriage
Applying this to marriage: in some cultures a wife may walk next to her husband
or behind him, a wife may or may not own property, etc. Equal pay for equal
work among the sexes, and joint discussion of parenting styles between husband
and wife are indigenous to most Western cultures. These cultural differences
will have to be considered to effectively employ The Mental Ruler and The
Preference Scale to work out the problems of perfectionism that can arise in
their particular marriage. This is especially to be considered when spouses come
from different cultural traditions and/or may come into a culture different from
the one in which they were raised. In some such marriages one spouse may
become more acculturated than the other in the new society. This problem
frequently arises in marriage among Eastern Christians who come from far
varying cultural backgrounds. However, understanding of the couple's culture,
similar or different, is important in working out of any marital problems
(McGoldrick, Giordano, Pearce, 1996).
Christ-like Marriage is Non-Trivial
This fact is essential in a Christ-like marriage. Imperfection tolerance must be
developed in the particular culture in which couples find themselves. Our Lord
God and Savior Jesus Christ is the focal point of the Orthodox marital union. To
underscore this Christ-centered focus of marriage the words of St. Paul
regarding marriage should be contemplated. He states: "For this reason a man
shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall
become one flesh. This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers
to Christ and the church" (Ephesian 5: 31-32). This means it behooves the
couple to do all they can to tolerate and work out the non-extreme abuse
imperfections in themselves and their spouses. Selling out to the values of
popular, pagan secular culture is a sure way to produce a musical (pagan)
marriage.
Our Lord's own words regarding divorce are severe: "For this reason a man shall
leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become
one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has
joined together, let not man put asunder. And I say to you: whoever divorces his
wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery" (Matthew
19: 5-6, 9). Father Alciviadis Calividas writes: "Divorce produces as much
anguish as death because it is the withering away of a living relationship into
emotional and spiritual deadness" (Calividas, 1996). It behooves those married
in Christ to do all they can with commitment zeal and effort to avoid the
emotional and spiritual deadness of divorce.
Meditation on "Reality" in Marriage
An appropriate consideration in ending this reflection is to consider the words
of St. John of the Ladder (1982) regarding married life. In his famous spiritual
classic the Ladder of Divine Ascent, he likens spiritual progress as a step by step
48
process. It is not that anyone is either imperfect or perfect, rather we "strive"

toward perfection living our lives in a continual climb toward union with God.
Stumbling on a rung is expected, and the ladder surely cannot be climbed in a
single 'stride.'
His comments on marriage then should certainly be pondered: "Someone
caught up in the affairs of the world can make progress, if he is determined. But
it is not easy. Those bearing chains can still walk. But they often stumble and are
thereby injured. ... The married .. [are] like someone chained hand and foot." At
first glance St. John's words are quite pessimistic and would invite the same
response from us given by disciples who witnessed the rich young man who
rejected Our Lords council to sell what he had and give to the poor to enter the
Kingdom of heaven: "When the disciples heard this they were greatly
astonished, saying, "Who then can be saved?" But Jesus looked at them and said
to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"
(Matthew 19: 25-26).
Marital Hope
St. John's hopeful counsel reads: "Do whatever good you may. Speak evil of no
one. Rob no one. Tell no lie. Despise no one and carry no hate. Do not separate
yourself from the church assemblies (italics mine- Gk: ton synaxeon - the
Church assembly for the Divine Liturgy and reception of the Eucharist). Show
compassion to the needy. Do not cause scandal to anyone. Stay away from the
bed of another, and be satisfied with what your own wives (husbands) can
provide you. If you do all this you will not be far from the kingdom of heaven
(italics mine).
Make use of the Church, as channel of blessings, sanctification, and healing.
She, Christ's Body is truly a "hospital" (Morelli, 2006c, Vlachos, 1994, 1998).
What better ending than to meditate on the prayer married couples should say
together at the beginning or end of each day:
O merciful God, we beseech thee ever to remind us that the married state is
holy, and we must keep it so; grant us thy grace, that we may continue in
faithfulness and love; increase in us the spirit of mutual understanding and
trust that no quarrel or strife may come between us ... for thou art our
sanctification and to thee we ascribe glory: to the Father, and to the Son, and
to the Holy Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
REFERENCES
Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion. (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian.
Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.
Burns, D. (1980). Feeling good: The New Mood Therapy. NY: The New American
Library.
Calividas, Fr. Alciviadis. The Sacramental Life of the Orthodox Church. Greek
Orthodox
Archdiocese
of
North
America,
1996.
http://www.goarch.org/en/ourfaith/articles/article7106.asp. 3 December 2007.
49
Christensen, A. & Jacobson, N.S. (2000). Reconcilable Differences. NY: Guilford.

Rivers Press.
McGoldrick, J. & Giordano, J., M., Pearce, (1996). Ethnicity and Family Therapy. 2nd
Edition. New York: Guilford.
Morelli,
G
(2005a,
October
14).
The
Beast
Morelli, G. (2005b, Novermber 28). Being Perfect Versus
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliPerfectionism.php.
of
Anger.
Perfectionism.
Morelli, G. (2005c, December, 04) Abuse: Some Pastoral and Clinical Considerations.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAbuse.php.
Morelli, G. (2006c, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
Charity.
Morelli, G. (2006d, December 21. The Ethos of Orthodox Christian Healing.

http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliHealing.php.
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
St. Gregory of Nyssa. (1978). The Life of Moses. NY: Paulist Press
St. John of the Ladder. (1982), John Climacus: The Ladder of Divine Ascent. NY:
Paulist Press.
Vlachos, H. (1994). Orthodox Psychotherapy: The Science of the Fathers. Lavadia,
Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.
Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1998). The Mind of the Orthodox Church. Lavadia,
Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.
50
XI. The Game Of Relationship Self-Esteem
Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives
the prize? So run that you may obtain it" (1 Corinthians 9:24).
The prize to be obtained in a blessed Christian marriage is that the husband and
wife, united in one flesh in Christ, achieve the indwelling of God in them. All
Christians are to "...become partakers of the divine nature" (2 Peter 1:4). The
couple bonded in holy marriage is to do this as one in Christ. One problem is
that instead of running a race (game) as a couple in order to win the prize, as in
St. Paul's metaphor, they may play a different game: one more like that of tennis
or ping-pong wherein they let the evaluations of either their spouse or others
influence their self-esteem, changing their esteem much like that of the ball
being hit back and forth across the net. This race-losing notion of self-esteem is
based on the proneness to gauge esteem by the approval or disapproval of one's
spouse or others.
Good vs. Bad Self-Esteem
In a previous paper (Morelli, 2006a) I distinguished between good and bad selfesteem. I pointed out that bad self-esteem is a type of narcissism (or self
worship). St. Paul told the Philippians: "Do nothing from selfishness or conceit,
but in humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not
only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4).
The Church Fathers warn against the bad self-esteem using the Greek term
kenodoxia where keno means esteem that is empty, vain, hollow, groundless,
deluded and doxa means glory, praise.
In current usage "self-esteem" means a true and honest appraisal of both one's
strengths and weaknesses, particularly in reality-based therapies. We see here
an inversion of meaning where good self-esteem is close to the patristic
definition of humility. St. Peter of Damaskos taught that, "The humble person
must possess every virtue...the signs of humility: when one possessing every
virtue of body and soul, to consider oneself to be the more a debtor to God ...
because one has received so much by grace" (Philokalia III). Centuries earlier,
St. Isaac the Syrian wrote: "The person who has attained to knowledge of his
own weakness has reached the summit of humility" (Brock, 1997).
The Psychological Problem
In terms of the marital (or any) relationship, continuously changing one's selfappraisal (whether virtuous or weak) based on the opinion of others leads to
grave instability. It leaves a person with so sense of grounding and stability and
makes him vulnerable to manipulation by others. It can lead to a subservience
to others that allow a person to be controlled in ways that lead to inappropriate
and even sinful behaviors. When a person has a recurring pattern of adopting
the opinions of others in their evaluation of himself, depression and loss of selfrespect are frequently the result.
51
A Clinical Example
A couple once came to me for marital counseling because of a quarrel they had
recently been having about money. The wife had a penchant for putting together
financial projects that required considerable investment. The husband, against
his better judgment but desiring approval from his wife, initially acted as if he
was favorably disposed to her plans. After a few years of marriage and financial
loss however, he became anxious and displayed anger. She could not
understand his newly developed resistance and emotional outbursts. They both
desired counseling to resolve this problem.
Clinical intervention involved having both spouses learn to judge the suitability
of a project objectively and to agree to communicate together based on the facts
of any project and their feelings about it. One of my favorite clinical (and
pastoral) recommendations in discussions such as these is the phrase: "Let the
facts do the dirty work for you." A typical dialogue between husband and wife on
such a topic may go like this:
Wife: "Jack, I just heard about a great investment in Las Vegas. It only requires
$950,000.00."
Husband: "Great Jill, let's look into it. How much is the down payment?"
Wife: "$290,000."
Husband: "Ok, how much cash do we have on hand?"
Wife: "About $50,000.00."
Husband: "Any other way of raising the money?" Etc.
Wife: "No way of funding the project." Etc.
Husband: "Do you think we can really put the deal together?"
Wife: "It seems we really cannot put it together! What a shame! Oh, well!"
This dialogue is simplified but it illustrates how facts can clarify and direct the
encounter. To many readers the example may appear innocuous. Unfortunately,
in both my pastoral and clinical experience, I have encountered cases where one
spouse who had a desperate need for approval from the other engaged in
egregiously sinful and even criminal behaviors initiated by the dominating
spouse. Examples include: child abuse, drug use and distribution, prostitution,
robbery, sexual promiscuousness, and shoplifting, etc. In a significant number
of these cases a common motivation for the acquiescence of the non-initiating
spouse is that they had a desperate "need for approval" from their partner.
52
Evaluation Sensitivity
One characteristic of individuals who have an exaggerated need for approval is
evaluation sensitivity. They are constantly monitoring the speech, speech
pragmatics and body language of their spouses (or others around them) for
either their approval or disapproval. Evaluation sensitivity is an exaggerated
version of a hypothetical personality construct described by Murray as "the need
for affiliation or recognition." (To his credit, Murray considered such a "need" as
hypothetical and concluded that the personality system he developed did not
meet the standards of science [see Morelli, 2006a, b, c]. Nevertheless, his
observations remain valuable because they conceptualize the dynamic of
potential human motivation and its consequences.) Another psychologist, Karen
Horney (1945, 1950), based on her clinical observations, likewise discussed the
neurotic "need for approval."
Cognitive clinical-psychologist Albert Ellis (1962), considered this need so
important he listed it as number one in his list of "irrational beliefs." He defined
this irrational cognition as: "The idea that it is a dire necessity for an adult
human being to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person
in his community." Ellis points out that while it is humanly desirable to have the
approval of others, it is hardly an absolute necessity.
The irrationality of the cognition "that one must be accepted by (all) significant
others" is based on several factors. First, demanding approval from all people is
a perfectionistic and unattainable goal. I remember a number of years ago I read
an article on Mother (now Blessed) Teresa and her work. I was shocked when
about a month later, I read a scathing letter excoriating her and her work by
linking the holy religious sister to the Latin Rite Roman Catholic Church and its
teachings. The Church was accused of being the cause of all the modern evils of
the world by its condemnation of abortion and birth control and thereby
responsible for the increase in world population and ensuing poverty and other
world problems, and so forth. In my own naivet, I asked myself (in mental
disbelief): "There is someone who does not consider Mother Teresa a saint?" Of
course there is. Some do not consider her a saint, just as some wanted to torture
and kill Our Lord, God and Savior Jesus Christ -- which they did at his
crucifixion. At even his own disciples and apostles rejected Him. As Jesus told
us: "A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master; as they
persecuted me, so will they persecute you" (Mattew 10: 24). Many times I have
mentioned in homilies and in counseling individuals and couples that God, not
to mention his saints, incurs the disapproval os some.
Ellis further pointed out that because of the intrinsic partialities of others, our
own efforts and/or the desire for approval from valued others, some significant
others will dislike and/or be indifferent to whatever we do. Applying this to
expectations in marriage, a spouse may simply be detached, unconcerned or
apathetic to what their spouse values and is doing. Continuing to attempt to
bolster self-esteem by seeking approval from one's spouse consumes efforts and
energy that can be used for more productive goals. Such futile self-esteem
building efforts could also be viewed as being obsequious, annoying and
broadcasting insecurity, thereby inviting even less approval from one's loved
one
53
The second unfortunate consequence of the need for approval found by Ellis, is
that the "dire need" for approval triggers anxiety. The constant monitoring of
the signs of approval or disapproval by others keeps the individual in a
heightened state of arousal. The deleterious physical effects of such stress are
well known (Morelli, 2006e; McEwen & Lasley, 2002).
A Psychological Alternative
One can commence a questioning process as to whether the approval of one's
spouse is of absolute necessity (Ellis, 1962, Morelli, 2005, 2006d). This is an
important question. It really means asking if it is necessary for life itself, like the
critical necessity of air to sustain life. One way of preparing an answer is to pose
the question: How did you think and feel about yourself before you knew your
spouse? Most individuals would answer that they did at some point not see the
approval of their significant other as critical in this sense. They were living life
without spousal approval. On the other hand, at no point were they living
without breathing air. Thus, while spousal approval may be desirable, it is not
absolutely necessary. This is an important psychological restructuring insight. It
can lead to less anxiety and more focus on self-chosen practical attainments
such as marital and family activities, occupational and avocational goals, and
most importantly, spiritual advancement.
The Spiritual Problem: Philodoxia or Love of Praise
It is important to recall our Lord's words: "How can you believe, who receive
glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only
God?" (John 5: 44). Our holy spiritual fathers of the Church did not use the
words "approval" or "recognition" but rather termed it philodoxia or love of
praise, warning against it as a spiritual danger. St. Theodoros the Great Ascetic
taught: "...love of praise banish[es] remembrance of God from the soul. ..And
when remembrance of God is absent, there is a tumult of the passions within us"
(Philokalia II). The good saint said that from love of praise would arise a "great
swarm of all manner of evil." It it influences our moral judgment which involves
"scrupulous discrimination between good and evil; and this involves sound
moral judgment."
St. John of Damaskos, said that love of praise is one of the main origins of every
other evil (Philokalia II). He cited the insight of St. Mark the Ascetic who termed
"love of men's esteem" as one of the "birth-givers of forgetfulness, laziness and
ignorance; the three powerful giants that overpower those who sin" (Philokalia
I, II).
A Spiritual Alternative
We must continually reorient our life goals in terms of the one and only real
necessity. St. Paul told the Romans what this is: "To set the mind on the flesh is
death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6). It is the
Spirit that is necessary for life, not approval from others, not even from ones
spouse. Rather, the spouses must seek the Spirit together as one flesh. To
accomplish this they have to adopt the mind of doing things as "as one flesh;" so
that by glorifying and praising God together, in turn His grace will fall on them
54
as "united in one flesh," not in competition with each other, but in blessed
union. The good race St. Paul spoke of is not only a sprint run by the solitary
runner, but also the relay race of marriage. In this way both, in union with each
other, achieve esteem in Christ
The Heart Must Fuel the Race
One important caveat: This is a race that must first be run from the heart. Our
Holy Spiritual Fathers gave counsel on the means of acquiring the Spirit:
obeying the commandments, prayer, scripture reading and meditation, spiritual
reading, performing the corporal and spiritual words of mercy in remembrance
and consideration that we will all one day go before the "dread judgment seat of
Christ" (Romans 14:10), partaking of the Holy Church Mysteries (Confession,
Eucharist, etc.). But these means must be enlivened by Christ in the depths of
the heart. St. Theophan the Recluse emphasized that these worthy pursuits are
merely means, and warns of the danger of mere external practice: "(W)hen they
pay attention only to the external practice of those virtues and leave their hearts
to be moved by their own volitions and the devil" (Kadloubovsky & Palmer,
1952). One of the signs that Christ is working in our hearts is when we are not
bothered by the evaluations of others, not upset when we are not preferred
above others, or not upset when we have our wills or our actions thwarted.
Rather, as St. Dorotheos of Gaza taught: " ... do not ponder what you should do
if you have no one to ask. If anyone really in truth desires the will of God with all
his heart, God never leaves him (to himself) but always guides him according to
His [Divine] will" (Wheeler, 1977).
Oneness of the Spouses in "Blessed Marriage" by Divine Imperative
The oneness of the married couple is a recurring theme in the Orthodox
Marriage Service. In the Betrothal Ektenia (litany) is the prayer, "That He (God)
will preserve them in oneness of mind, and steadfastness of faith..." This theme
is even more strongly stressed in the prayer after the exchange of rings:
"...establish their betrothal in faith and in oneness of mind, in truth and in love."
How this union is to be performed reaches its summit in the prayer during the
Order of Crowning: " ... that they may live according to thy will."
The prize of winning the race of sanctification is to be conferred not by human
approval, but by sanctification that comes only from God and is thus Divine.
This is made clear by the final prayer as a couple before the scriptural readings
in the Marriage Service: "O Lord our God, crown them with glory and honor."
REFERENCES
Brock, S. (1997). (Trans.). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford,
England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation.
Horney, K. (1945). Our Inner Conflicts. NY: Norton .
Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and Human Growth. NY: Norton.
55
Kadloubovsky, E., & Palmer, G.E.H. (trans.)(1952). Unseen Warfare. Faber & Faber:
London.
McEwen, B.S. & Lasley, E.N. (2002). The End of Stress As We Know It. Washington
DC: National Academies Press.
Morelli,
G.
(2005,
October
14).
The
Beast
of
Anger.
Morelli, G. (2006a, January 06). Self Esteem: From, Through, and Toward
Morelli,
G.
(2006b,
February
04).
Smart
Parenting
Part
II.
Morelli, G. (2006c, May 08). Orthodoxy and the Science of Psychology.

Morelli, G (2006d). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology. Fairfax
Morelli, G. (2006e, December 05). Understanding Clergy Stress: A Psychospiritual
Response. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliClergyStress.php.
Murray, H.A. (1938). Explorations in Personality. NY: Oxford.
Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds). (1979). The Philokalia, Volume 1: The
Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.
Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings .
i. The Works of Mercy are listed in A Pocket Prayer Book for Orthodox Christians
compiled by Archpriest Stephen Upson and Archimandrite Dimitri Nicholas and
published by the Antiochian Orthodox Christian Archdiocese, in Englewood, NJ.
The Chief Corporal Works of Mercy

These bodily works of mercy originate from the Parable of the Sheep and the
Goats (Matthew 25:31-46):
1. To feed the hungry.
56
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
To give drink to the thirsty.

To clothe the naked.
To ransom captives (tend to the imprisoned).
To shelter the homeless.
To visit the sick.
To bury the dead.
The Chief Spiritual Works of Mercy

These spiritual labors of mercy are acts of love providing for others spiritual
welfare:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
To admonish sinners.
To instruct the ignorant.
To counsel the doubtful.
To comfort the sorrowful.
To suffer wrongs patiently.
To forgive injuries.
To pray for the living and the dead.
XII. Overdependency
Fr. George Morelli
Can mortal man be righteous before God? Can a man be pure before his
Maker?
Even in his servants he puts no trust, and his angels he charges with error;
how much more those who dwell in houses of clay, whose foundation is in the
dust, who are crushed before the moth (Job 4: 17-19)
At first glance it may appear that the holy Spiritual Fathers of the Church have
little to say on overdependency -- an important constituent in marital discord
discovered by researchers studying the interpersonal dynamics of marriage
(Beck, 1988; Burns, 1985; Gottman, 1999). A closer look at the teachings of the
Fathers however, reveals deep intuitions about human nature and relationships
that penetrate this type of maritial dysfunction.
57
For example, St. Thalassios told us: "Our Lord Jesus has given light to all men,
but those who do not trust in Him bring darkness upon themselves" (Philokalia
II). People with an overdependency feel anxious and nervous about making
decisions on their own. They feel safe when others make decisions for them.
Behaviorally they appear helpless and submissive. Spouses with
overdependency frequently ask their partner for reassurance regarding the
choices they are making about current actions and possible future goals.
Frequently they feel more secure following their partners' choices than any they
could make on their own and can include every day activities such as recreation
and meals or life goals such as occupation and employment. This could be
viewed as living in "darkness."
Psychological Understanding
Cognitive clinical-psychologist Albert Ellis (1962) considered this "need" as one
of the major "irrational beliefs triggering emotional dysfunction," he discovered
in his clinical research. He defined this irrational cognition as: "The idea that
one should be dependent on others and needs someone stronger than oneself on
whom to rely." Ellis pointed out "freedom and independence are endorsed in
our society."
This kind of psychological reliance on another person as an absolute support is
considered far off from what is true and necessary for a stable and healthy selfidentity. While inter-cooperation and collaboration between people in our
complex society facilitates functioning like communication, the production of
good and services, transportation, and so forth, it is irrational to maximize this
interdependency by forfeiting to others the choices that are properly befitting to
oneself.i
Beck's (1776) cognitive clinical research has found support for eight cognitive
distortions related to emotional disorders, including the anxiety and fear
characteristic of overdependency:
Selective Abstraction: The focusing on one event while excluding others. The
overdependent spouse may focus on the particular present decision they fear to
make, ignoring their successes at making decisions in the past. For example,
Jack is agonizing over suggesting a trip to Hawaii, although the last few
suggestions have been delightfully received by his wife, Jill.
Arbitrary Inference: Drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in an
ambiguous situation. Jill would like to take an adult education class in pottery.
She may conclude, however, that her husband will be critical of her and think it
is foolish.
Personalization: Interpreting a general event in exclusively personal terms. At a
party, Jill heard someone say "Boy, people make some really stupid decisions in
life." She immediately personalized the statement by assuming the statement
was referring to her.
Polarization: Perceiving or interpreting events in all or nothing terms. Jack
thinks Jill will think of him as a "bad" husband (as opposed to "good') for not
58
taking the new position at work he was offered. He fails to see that she may
evaluate other decisions he has made quite favorably. There are a lot of points
between "good" and "bad."
Generalization: The tendency to see things in always or never categories. Jill
becomes increasingly anxious about making decisions. She thinks she will never
be able to do things on her own because she is so afraid that Jack will eventually
leave her (arbitrary inference). Jill's anxiety and her safety needs lead to further
defeating behavior patterns, further distancing her from her husband, Jack,
thereby weakening the marriage even more.
Demanding Expectations: Beliefs that there are laws or rules that always hold
true. Jill feels she has to be dependent on her husband, Jack, because he is so
strong and she needs his strength. This is similar to Ellis's (1962) irrational
belief previously discussed.
Catastrophizing: The perception that something is worse than it actually is. Jill
thinks it would be awful, the end of the world, to make a wrong decision.
Emotional Reasoning: The judgment that one's feelings are facts. Jack has a
feeling that if he takes the new position at work, his new boss may not like him.
When asked how he knows this, Jack responds "feelings are always right." He
failed to distinguish between the fact that although feelings are real, feelings
cannot prove whether something is true or false. I tell my patients that no
matter how strongly some people "felt" the world was flat when Christopher
Columbus set sail, Columbus proved the world was round. Feelings are not
facts.
Psychological Consequences
The consequences of overdependence are subtle. On one hand open conflict is
avoided, but at the expense of the overdependent spouse being unfaithful to
their "real inner desires and preferences" and the loss of respect on the part of
the decision-making spouse. Dependent spouses and individuals view
themselves as incompetent and suffer loss of healthy self-esteem (Morelli,
2006a,b,c). A dependency cycle is set up whereby continuing reliance on one's
husband or wife (or others perceived as being "strong") leads to even greater
degrees of reliance. At some point even choices and other behaviors that an
individual is capable of doing are given over to one's spouse. This is especially
true when the overdependency extends to personal domains such as the choice
of clothing to buy, what to wear, or even what tooth paste to use.
Opportunities to learn to make decisions and to learn new activities are lost by
the overdependent individual. Again, this adds to the cycle of dependency. The
dire need for safety, and fear of making mistakes inhibit efficacious decisionmaking and actions. At best, the supportive spouse loses respect for their mate,
at worst it can lead to manipulation and control of the dependent person,
possibly leading to egregious criminal and sinful behavior. This is similar to the
deleterious effects of evaluation sensitivity discussed in another article (Morelli,
2008). In the case of evaluation sensitivity, the motive for the flagrant behavior
is a desperate "need for approval;" in this case, the motive to conform comes
59
from the fear of the dependent spouse to make their own decisions and their
desperate need for the safety of dependency.
Psychological Intervention
The dependent spouse has to first recognize and label the irrational belief and
cognitive distortions. Then the spouse has to begin disputing and restructuring
the distortions. Three questions are helpful in the restructuring process:
Where is the evidence?

Is there any other way of looking at the situation?
Is the situation as bad as it seems?
Examining the root belief discussed by Ellis that: "The idea that one should be
dependent on others and needs someone stronger than oneself on whom to
rely," makes a good start. For example, the dependent spouse may ask himself
for "proof or evidence" of this irrational need. Alternatives may be explored. In
this case, asking themselves (aided by a licensed, trained mental health
practitioner if necessary): "Was there ever a time in which you were not with
your spouse and made your own decision about something?" can be helpful. I
have found that patients will first focus on some poor decisions they made in the
past, but with persistence a great number of good decisions can be uncovered.
Then, clinically - or pastorally - I ask the patient what they can learn from this
new information and interpretation.
Each one of the cognitive distortions has to be challenged and restructured the
same way, either by the dependent spouses themselves or in more severe cases
under the guidance of a trained professiona. During this time, measured
"homework assignments" should be taken on and performed. A couple was
referred to me for marital counseling with the husband as the designated patient
as he had a severe dependency problem.ii One aspect was that he could not buy
any clothing without his wife's presence and reassurance
Before setting up the homework assignment we first agreed on some facts. First,
that $5.00 was a small amount of money in today's society. Then we agreed that
$5.00 was a small investment in his psychological and marital welfare. Then I
gave him the assignment to go to a men's shop and purchase a tie. Of course he
was reluctant but we kept reviewing the facts already agreed on. We also
restructured his other distorted cognitions (as listed above), coming to the
conclusions that: he had made some decisions before, he had no evidence his
wife would disapprove, it would not be the end of the world, he could always
learn from his purchase and try again, etc. As simple as this sounds this was the
start of a successful solution.
Assertiveness Training
Another intervention that has shown to be effective in overdependency is
assertiveness training (Wolpe, 1958). Assertiveness may be defined as an honest
and true communication of real feelings in a socially acceptable manner and in
which the emotional reactions, welfare, and good of the other are taken into
60
account. Two collateral principles have to be practiced and learned in

assertiveness. The principle of the minimal effective response and escalation.
First Principle: Minimal Effective Response
The minimal effective response is to use words that are without offence and
socially and spiritually appropriate. Paralinguistic (such as lack of hesitation,
tone level, fluency) and nonverbal factors (such as eye contact, facial expression,
posture) are important in working on this. A wife may tell her husband, "Honey,
I am always asking you what clothes I should buy, but because it is really
important to learn to do this on my own, I am going to shop today on my own."
She would practice this initializing the conversation without hesitation, in a
normal conversational tone while looking her husband in the eye, and standing
or sitting up straight (Kelly, 1955 ; Morelli, 2006d ).
Second Principle: Escalation
Sometimes messages spoken in a normal communication tone are ignored, not
responded to, or even met with belligerence. In such cases, escalation of the
choice of words and paralinguistic delivery must be resorted to by the
communicator. In the example above, if the wife's request to buy her own
clothes is met with resistance she may then say in a firm, non-angry tone: "Jack,
I feel really bad when you respond like that to me. I have the right to make up
my own mind about my clothes, so I am going out shopping today on my own. I
am sorry to be so firm about this, but it is very important to me, discussion on
this issue is now over." If he responds favorably to this escalated
communication, she should reply with a pleasant: "Thank you for
understanding." To emphasize her lack of anger she could go out of her way to
respond pleasantly to the next topic her husband may talk to her about (as long
as it is not on the topic of buying clothes). Escalation does not always work and
essential condition for success is that the communicator has to be prepared to
act on their plan, even without spousal approval. In all cases, modeling anger,
crossing legal limits, and lack of Christ-like charity must be avoided.
Fixed Role Therapy and Behavioral Rehearsal
In clinical and pastoral counseling settings I have found it most advantageous
that scripts be practiced before hand. In such cases I employ programs that use
role-playing techniques, such as the ones described by Kelly (1955), Morelli
(2006b) or the behavioral rehearsal strategies recommended by Bandura
(1986), and Ellis (1962). I start with the patient imagining the setting in which
they have to take an independent action. I point out that the goal is to express
their feelings and views and not necessarily have the other person comply with
their wishes. Following the work of Bandura (1986) (that imaginal rehearsal
before behavioral rehearsal enhances the effectiveness of the role-playing in
both the office and real-life settings in framing the assertive remarks that have
to be made), patients first practice using imagery, followed by role-playing with
me.
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The Great Saboteur

Among the cognitive distortions mentioned above, arbitrary inference by
mind-reading is the greatest saboteur of assertiveness. For the spouse trying to
conquer overdependency, mind-reading is trying to discern without evidence
what the other spouse is thinking and feeling (Morelli, 2006d). The
overdependent husband or wife usually thinks that the spouse will be angry or
judgemental. However, since it is impossible to know the state of mind,
thoughts, or feelings of other people, the non-assertive person inevitably injects
his/her own interpretation into this void. The tendency is to interpret
ambiguous signals based on his private attitudes, thoughts, and feelings
(Morelli, 2006d). The three disputing questions listed above can aid in
dispelling these irrational interpretations.
If left unchallenged, mind-reading easily devolves into a set of cascading
scenarios that have no basis in reality. One scenario becomes the basis for the
next with the progression becoming increasingly threatening, usually
culminating in emotional paralysis, inaction and continued overdependency.
Putting it into Practice
Various assertive responses are attempted by trial and error and given to the
patient to try out as homework assignments. Subsequent sessions monitor and
refine the process. Imaginal and behavioral rehearsal also includes the
particular pragmatics or paralinguistic nuances of the communication: response
speed, volume, inflection (tone of voice) and dysfluency (stammering, etc.), eye
contact, facial expression, gestures, and posture (direction of leaning: forward,
back, relaxed or stiff, etc.). Patients reported that they experienced less anger
and upset and felt more empowered and confident as they learned these
assertive skills. They report achieving a higher level of compliance with the
therapy program as they are learning to overcome overdependency.
Spiritual Consequences
Dependency is a characteristic of children. Independence (conforming to God's
Will) is a characteristic of Christian adulthood. This echoes the observation by
St. Paul: "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I
reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways" (1 Cor. 13:
11).
St. John of the Ladder: On Unmanly Fears
Step 21 of the Ladder of Divine Ascent, penned by St. John of the Ladder is
titled: On Unmanly Fears. He describes " ... a childish behavior within a soul
advanced in years ... it is a lapse from faith that comes from anticipating the
unexpected."
The inspired Holy Father pointed out "(F)ear is danger tasted in advance, a
quiver as the heart takes fright before unnamed calamity. Fear is a loss of
assurance." We will all go before the "dread judgment seat of Christ" as
individuals. Our accountability before Christ is an individual accountability. As
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St. Paul taught: "So each of us shall give account of himself to God" (Romans
14:12). I cannot imagine Our Lord being pleased with an overdependent spouse
going before Him and saying "I couldn't decide for myself which was good or
bad, right or wrong, I was afraid to make my own decisions so I let my husband
(wife) make my decisions for me."
St. John of the Ladder wrote: "The slightest concession to this weakness means
that this childish and absurd malady will grow old with you." The writer of the
Book of Proverbs (25:19) tells us: "Trust in a faithless man in time of trouble is
like a bad tooth or a foot that slips."
Our Lord's Words on Reliance on Others
There is a beautiful parable of Our Lord, recorded by St. Matthew that at a first
glance has nothing to do with overdependency, but with Godly meditation can
be understood as undue reliance on others:
Then the kingdom of heaven shall be compared to ten maidens who took their
lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five
were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them;
but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed,
they all slumbered and slept. But at midnight there was a cry, 'Behold, the
bridegroom! Come out to meet him.' Then all those maidens rose and trimmed
their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil, for our
lamps are going out.' But the wise replied, 'Perhaps there will not be enough for
us and for you; go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.' And while they
went to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him
to the marriage feast; and the door was shut. Afterward the other maidens came
also, saying, 'Lord, lord, open to us.' But he replied, 'Truly, I say to you, I do not
know you.' Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.
(Matthew 25:1-13).
Just as each of the maidens were responsible for having oil for their lamps, so
each spouse in a blessed marriage is responsible to work out their own salvation
before God. The maidens who relied on the others were not known to the
bridegroom and were not able to enter the wedding feast. The oil spoken of by
Our Lord in this parable may be seen as a symbol of the psycho-spiritual
independence each spouse must bring into their marriage. Metaphorically, this
oil may be composed of both the decisions regarding the personal areas of their
lives, and the moral choices of doing God's will in all things.
Spiritual Intervention
Marital Grace
The blessed married couple committed to Christ and His Church has the
additional help of God's grace and healing by virtue of the graces given to them
by their blessed marriage. It is not inconsequential that after sharing The
Common Cup during the Orthodox Marriage Service, the "holy martyrs who had
fought the good fight" and thus by their strength have "received [their] crowns"
are called upon to entreat Our Lord on behalf of the couple. To have the strength
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of the martyrs each spouse should pray: "The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be
afraid?" (Psalm 27:1). "The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart
trusts; so I am helped" (Psalm 28:7).
Spiritual Considerations
Certain passages from scripture and teachings from the Church Fathers may be
reflected and meditated on by the spouse struggling to overcome
overdependency. Consider St. Paul's instruction to the Corinthians : " ... each
man's work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be
revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done" (1
Corinthians 3:13). The critical points are "each man's work will become
manifest", and "fire will test [this] work." The overdependent spouse must make
the commitment to pray and work to gain the strength to stand with Christ here
on earth so they may stand on their own before Him, with holiness, at the gate
into eternal life.
Trust in Christ Alone
Our strength, hope and trust must be in Christ, and Him alone. The Psalmist
put it well:
Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no help. When
his breath departs he returns to his earth; on that very day his plans perish.
Happy is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God
(Psalm 146:3-5).
Each person, man, woman will stand before Christ, no "son of man," either
husband or wife, will be next to them.
Spiritual Transformation
A spiritual transformation has to take place in the person conquering
overdependency. This transformation must be a metanoia (a change of mind). A
recognition of a separation from God, of a darkened vision that is focused on the
world and not God. Metanoia is usually associated with a fundamental element
in the Holy Mystery of Confession, in which we are reconciled to God and healed
of our infirmities. It is a requirement that for sins to be forgiven; not only must
one admit guilt and ask forgiveness but also change one's focus and commit to
Christ.
Overdependency: An Infirmity in Need of Healing
Is overdependency a sin, a transgression, an infirmity? Yes! Didn't St. John of
the Ladder call it a "lapse of faith," and a "loss of assurance" (which is also
falling short of the theological virtues of faith and hope). Thus overcoming overdependency calls for a core change in the center of the heart. This change has to
be based on focusing on God and trusting in Him. Hope, not in men or others,
but God alone. St. Theognostos said:
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...hope needs a firm will and an honest heart. How without grace can one readily
believe in things unseen? How can a man have hope concerning the hidden
things held in store unless through his own integrity he has gained some
experience of the Lord's gifts? These gifts of grace are a gage of the blessing held
in store, which they manifest as present realities. Faith and hope then require
both virtue on our part and God's inspiration and help. Unless both are present
we labour in vain (Philokalia II).
It is in this sense that we can understand the words of St. Thalassios, cited
above, that we "bring darkness upon ourselves," not just humanly, but
spiritually.
Consider the words of St. Maximus the Confessor:
The person who loves God values knowledge of God more than anything created
by God, and pursues such knowledge ardently and ceaselessly. If everything that
exists was made by God and for God, and God is superior to the things made by
Him, he who abandons what is superior and devotes himself to what is inferior
shows that he values things made by God more than God Himself (Philokalia
II).
Synergia: Grace Builds on Nature
The words of St. Paul to the Romans can aid us to acquire the spiritual virtues of
faith and hope in a synergia with the human behavioral and psychological traits
practiced in clinical settings. St. Paul spoke of the sufferings, endurance and
character which bring on hope of sharing in God's glory. The ris -taking needed
to overcome overdependency requires new behaviors be acted on in the face of
uncertainty, which is a degree of mental suffering. Once the person starts
acquiring and continues in its acquisition endurance is also acquired, and this
can easily be viewed as character.
St. Paul taught that this is also the path to cooperating with the grace and peace
of God through Our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to hope -- and optimism drawn
from God's divine love:
We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have
obtained access to this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in our hope of
sharing the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing
that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and
character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love
has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to
us" (Romans 5:1-5)
St. Philotheos of Sinai wrote: "Faith disposes us truly to fear God. Hope,
transcending servile fear, bind us to the love of God, since 'hope does not
disappoint (cf. Romans 5:5), containing as it does the seed of that twofold love
on which hand 'the law and the prophets'" (cf. Matthew. 22:40) (Philokalia II).
Beyond a Marital Problem
65
I started this article with a consideration that overdependency was a barrier to

smart marriage. We have now come around to understand that not only is it a
barrier to a blessed Orthodox (and Christian) marriage, but also to our union
with God Himself. It behooves couples (for their marriage and most of all for
their salvation) to make their prayer the beautiful psalm, "He who dwells in the
shelter of the Most High, who abides in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to
the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust'" (Psalm 90:1-2).
Our "Declaration of Independence" is Founded on God
St. Paisios of the Holy Mountain (Ageloglou, 1998) wrote: "We should do
whatever can be humanly achieved; the rest which is beyond our power, must be
left in God's hands." And the holy monk tells us again: " ... we must reject any
form of worldly assistance or human hope and with a pure heart, unhesitatingly
and trustfully devote our mind to God. Then, the grace of Christ will fill our soul
at once." Spouses, and indeed all, married or single will gain independence and
salvation by dependence on God alone.
REFERENCES
Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of The Holy Mountain. Mt.
Bandura, A. (1986). Social Foundations of Thought and Action: A Social Cognitive
Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Beck, A., (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York:
International Universities Press.
Burns, D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. NY: The New American
Library.
Burns, D. (1985). Intimate Connections. NY: Signet.
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.
Rivers Press.
Kelly, G.A. (1955). The Psychology of Personal Constructs. Vol. 1: A Theory of
Personality. Vol. 2: Clinical Diagnosis and Psychotherapy. NY: Norton.
Morelli, G. (2006b, January 27). Understanding Brokenness in Marriage.
Morelli, G. (2006c). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology.
Fairfax. VA: Eastern Christian Publications.
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Morelli, G. (2006d, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian

Charity.
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
Morelli, G. (2007, November 20). Good Marriage X: Perfectionism.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageX.php.
Morelli, G. (2008, January 9). Good Marriage XI: The Game Of Relationship Self
Esteem. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-SmartMarriageXI.php.
Wolpe, J. (1958). Psychotherapy by reciprocal inhibition. Stanford, CA: Stanford
University Press.
i. Special factors such as the "realistic" needs of handicapped individuals must be
considered. Even in such cases the "treatment philosophy" of physical, occupational
and rehabilitation medicine is to maximize personal function: -- "what the individual
can do for themselves."
Cultural factors must also be considered, what is "dependent" behavior in one culture,
may be normative in another culture.
ii. In couple counseling the designated patient is actually the couple themselves. Each
brings into the marital relationship a cognitive, behavioral and spiritual "set" which is
incongruous in some ways to the "set" of their spouse. Both have to unlearn
maladaptive "sets," learn adaptive "sets" and then fit them together. For example, this
may take implementing imperfection tolerance. Developing imperfection tolerance
involves the use of The Mental Ruler Technique (Burns, 1980, Morelli, 2006c) and The
Preference Scale (Morelli, 2007) and is explained further in Morelli (2007).
XIII. The Theology of Marriage and Sexuality

The writer of Genesis said of Adam and Eve: "And God blessed them, and God
said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it;'
Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and
they become one flesh" (Genesis 1:28; 2:24). St. Paul wrote in Hebrews: "Let
marriage be held in honor among all . . ." (Hebrews 13:4).
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St. John Chrysostom typified the Orthodox Church Fathers: "From the
beginning God has been revealed as the fashioner, by his providence, of this
union of man and woman, and He has spoken of the two as one: 'male and
female He created them'" (Homily XX on Ephesians 5:2233http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/230120.htm). "Union" in Greek is
syzygias, a term uniformly used by the Church Father to mean yoked in
wedlock and the married state.
In a blessed marriage in the Orthodox Church, the couple is ordained as the
leaders of their domestic church, crowned to be the king and queen of their
domicile and granted grace for the "fair education of children" as the Orthodox
wedding service proclaims. In Christian marriage, authentic and true love seeks
to replicate the type of self-sacrifice Christ revealed to us when He became man
and dwelt among us (and which is still expressed today in Christ's faithfulness
to His Church). Self-sacrificial love conforms to the Great Commandment to
love our neighbor more highly than ourselves. In so doing we also love and
honor God (Matthew 25:36-40, 1 John 4:19-21). This kind of love between
husband and wife, even if imperfectly practiced and not always realized,
constitutes what St. John Chrysostom called the "small church" and as such
ensures the health and stability of the family in raising children (Homily XX on
Ephesians 5: 22-33 http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/230120.htm).
In the marital relationship two individuals become "one flesh;" a term that
means that two individuals work in concert to become one in mind and heart.
They are joined together in love in a way that replicates the Three Persons of the
Trinity relation of love to each other.
Becoming "one flesh" in a blessed marriage is an act of agape, a selfless giving
of one to the other; a self-emptying (Greek: kenosis) in a manner like Christ
when He took on human flesh and assumed human nature. This theme is
affirmed in the Orthodox marriage service as well. The "crowning" of the couple
actually references martyrdom, that is, giving one's life for the other. As a
martyr gives his life for Christ, so must the spouse be willing to give his life to
his wife (and the wife to her husband), and in so doing fulfill the law of Christ
which is to love the neighbor as yourself. It is a call to love that rings through the
intoxication of pleasant emotion into the deeper reservoirs of the heart and soul
from where sacrificial love is drawn.
Marital self-emptying however, occurs only if each partner consents to it. In
making man in His image, God gave man freedom. This leads those in a marital
union to a crossroad: The path of righteousness where marriage is a joined
duality, or the path of self-satisfaction where marriage is defined as a
singularity.
Self-centered marriage is a marriage in name only. After the Fall we are
predisposed to self-centered choices directed by the passions (lusts) rather than
choices based on agape. St. Isaac of Syria tells us: ". . . pandering to the flesh,
produce(s) in us shameful urges and unseemly fantasies" (Early Fathers from
the Philokalia).
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The passions spring from the heart of the person. Jesus told us: "For from
within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, fornication, theft, murder,
adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride,
foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a man"
(Mark 7: 21-23).
St. Paul wrote "While we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by
the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death" (Romans 5:7). The
work of the passions can take place either before marriage or after the marital
union takes place. In either case they lead to a choice of singularity or selfsatisfaction over a righteous, joined union.
Before marriage one may not understand or be committed to the Christian view
of marriage (Morelli, 2004). After marriage, due to the brokenness of human
nature, the passions may predispose a couple to discord. St. Paul's warning
applies to the "demon's" attack on the marital union: "Now the works of the
flesh are plain: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity,
strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit, envy, drunkenness,
carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do
such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:19-21). The
Church Fathers attribute this to the demon of each passion that never tires of
breaking union with God.
For example, demon of lust the Church Fathers told us, can take over our lives.
Modern society facilitates this malady. Sex is broadcast everywhere for almost
every use: art, fashion, music, news, pornography (especially the Internet), and
the sale of almost any product from automobiles to computers, The secular
world flagrantly exposes body parts, especially the genital areas.
The Church Fathers knew about such enticements a thousand years ago. St.
Isaac of Syria wrote: "Passions are brought either by images or by sensations
devoid of images and by memory, which at first is unaccompanied by passionate
movements or thoughts, but which later produces excitation." One way to deal
with these passions, continued St. Isaac: " . . . their thought must become
attached to nothing except their own soul."
One has to make a choice between Christ and demon. St. Paul asked: "Who shall
separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation . . . distress . . .
persecution . . . hunger . . . nakedness . . . danger . . . the sword? For I am sure
that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present,
nor things to come, nor power, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature
will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ our Lord"
(Romans 8:35-39). Vigilance and discernment are major virtues to be acquired
by those seeking Christ indwelling in them and desiring to overcome the power
of passions.
Ilias the Presbyter tells us: "Demons wage war against the soul primarily
through thoughts . . . " (Philokalia, III). Ideally the marital couple will make a
"spiritual desert" for themselves, removing them from the "enticements" so
prevalent in modern life. Spiritual death occurs when these thoughts are selfcentered.
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St. Maximus the Confessor knew this as well: "The self love and cleverness of
men, alienating them from each other and perverting the law, have cut our
single human nature into many fragments" (Philokalia, III). How much more
should St. Maximus' words apply to those who have become "one flesh"?
Psychology and sociology aids us in understanding the social, cognitive, and
behavioral factors that contribute to the spiritual breakdown (the demon's
work) that creates marital brokenness. Cognitive-behavioral research (Beck
1988) and its related marital investigation programs (Christianson and
Jacobson, 2000 and Gottman, 1994, 1999) have done much to help delineate
the cognitive factors that lead to marital discord and to develop efficacious
clinical interventions.
Beck, for example, points out the cognitive distortions that produce marital
conflict. Individuals do not know the "state of mind, attitudes, thoughts and
feelings" of the other so they impose their own interpretation. There is a
tendency to rely on ambiguous signals from the other and interpret them based
on the observers' own attitudes, thoughts, and feelings.
The intensity of the observer's beliefs about the motives of the other is not a
measure of the accuracy of the observer's interpretation, however. One major
contributor to maintaining these inaccurate perceptions is what Beck labels a
"closed perspective." Beck states: "Closed or self-centered perspectives are
defined by the individual frames of reference; people view events only according
to how they relate to them."
Beck goes on to state something with which the Church Fathers could readily
agree: "Marital conflict fosters and exaggerates egocentric perspectives." These
biases determine perception and focus on unfavorable features of the other's
behavior while disregarding favorable ones.
Treatment procedures include training the spouses in recognizing that the
source of many misunderstandings is differences in perception. Traits that each
spouse has are not "bad" in and of themselves, but a "mismatch with their own
traits." Each of the spouses has to restructure or reframe the perception or
perspective of the other. They have to view the other "more benignly and
realistically."
Christianson and Jacobson find three factors lead to marital discord: criticism,
demands and cumulative annoyance. Gottman has extended this to include
what he calls the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse [that] clip-clop into the
heart of marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling"
(Gottman,1999).
The spiritual heritage of the Church may use different terminology, but the
meaning is the same. In Gottman's research, for example, a complaint focuses
on a specific behavior, while criticism focuses on general character
assassination. This is in accord with the Church Fathers. St. Peter of Damaskos
taught: "For he who sins . . . will not dare to judge or censure anyone."
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"Defensiveness" and "stonewalling" are terms not in scripture and the writing of
the Church Fathers, but their meaning is readily apparent. The prophet Job,
spoke of "a heart hard as stone" (Job 41:24). The prophet Ezekiel said: "But the
house of Israel will not listen to you; for they are not willing to listen to me;
because all the house of Israel are of a hard forehead and of a stubborn heart"
(Ezekiel 3:7-8), Even Our Lord warned about His words falling on "hard" soil, in
the Parable of the Sower (Luke 8:13).
Pastorally and clinically I have found four factors are especially insidious in
undermining marital relationships: mind-reading, reciprocity, entitlement, and
constant urging (colloquially known as "nagging") (Burns, 1989).
Mind-reading is the unrealistic cognition that one's partner should be

able to know what the one is thinking, feeling or desiring. (All individuals
perceive the world differently; it is the individual's responsibility to
communicate to their spouse what their wants and needs are.)
Reciprocity is the unrealistic expectation that if one does something for
someone they have the right to expect a return (even though the other
may not be privy to this "unilateral contract." Spouses should clearly
state what they want from the other and attempt to come to a common
agreement.
Entitlement occurs when the spouse feels they deserve love,
companionship, happiness, honesty, obedience, etc. Entitlement works
hand in hand with expectations. When an event occurs in which one
family member does not feel that others lived up to what was expected of
them, feelings of anger and being used result.
Constant urging is the unrealistic expectation that if one urges (nags)
one's partner enough, he will comply with what is wanted. Often the
opposite is produced, people stonewall when feeling coerced. It is better
to get individuals to voluntarily comply with requests on their own.
These psychological interventions can be enlivened by the Holy Spirit: "But the
fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law. And those who belong to
Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by
the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us have no self-conceit, no
provoking of one another, no envy of one another" (Galatians 5:22-26).
It takes two persons to keep the marriage together but it takes one to break it.
Why? Because marriage is a conjoint relationship.
I was recently asked: "How does separation and divorce in a marriage fit into
this holy business?" The basic answer is that it doesn't. But more is to come:
Christ can transform all even what appears "bad" and is "bad" into good. How is
this possible? St. Peter of Damaskos (Philokalia III) suggested: "The more we
place our hope in the Lord with regard to all things that concern (us) whether of
soul for body the more (we) will find that the Lord provides for (us) . . . The
more (we) exert ourselves for the sake of His love, the more God grows near to
(us) through His gifts and longs to fill [us] with peace . . . "
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In a world that is broken and disordered, problems will occur. If we respond by

fighting the good fight as St. Paul said, and exert ourselves as St. Peter of
Damaskos said, then we are growing near to God. From the brokenness in
marriage a "new creation" can emerge. "Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a
new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come. All this is
from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself" (2 Corinthians 5: 1718).
The growth is accomplished through prayer, participation in the holy mysteries,
especially Confession and the reception of the Holy Eucharist. The greatest good
after any brokenness is the capacity to be able to "love more."
Sex and Sexuality in Marriage
Marriage also replicates the creative energy of God where the couple as "one
flesh" unites to create new life. For Christians the "theology of sex" based on
Divine Love is at the highest principle, infinitely beyond empathy or any other
set of ethical standards. It references the essence of God Himself. St John tells
us " ... for love is of God ... .God is love" (1 John 4:7-8). This is the love we are to
have for one another. Archimandrite Sophrony (1999) reports that St. Silouan
the Athonite, echoing the Church Fathers, said: "Both Christ's commandments
of love towards God and love toward neighbor make up a single life."
The Church fathers said the same thing. The Persons of the Holy Trinity
interrelate amongst themselves in Love. Creation is an act of love between God
and His creation. He creates in love and continues to keep the universe and
mankind in being out of love. The infinite God creates out of nothing, and
continues to create through the laws of nature He has created. God has given
mankind, through its two modes of male and female, a share in His creation.
Sexuality is the gift from Him by which we share in His creation. Therefore,
sexuality is holy and should be treated as such, because it is the way we were
made to share in God's creation.
The sexual organs are the instruments of this creation. God made them to be
what they are anatomically and to function the way they do. Thus, even the
sexual organs share in holiness. For example, the function of the male sexual
organ is to deposit the seed of new life in the female. This makes sexual
intercourse a creative act that replicates in some measure the very nature and
purpose of God whom we know as the Creator. This presumes then that the
proper context for sexual intercourse is love. Sexual relations properly
understood are expressed in a context of love that is by nature self-emptying.
These means that any use of the sexual organs for self-centered pleasure runs
counter to God's plan for creation. St. Paul explains this beautifully when he
compares the love a man should have towards his wife in terms of the love that
Christ has for the Church. "Husbands, love you wife," St. Paul writes, "as Christ
loved the Church and gave Himself up for her ... " (Ephesians 5:25).
Therefore any type of sexuality, which is self-centered, manipulative and
degrading, is impure because it is not based on self-emptying, self-giving,
committed, and creating love. Love always has as its center the good and welfare
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of the individual. It is for our good and welfare that we were created by God, our
Father, redeemed by Christ in His act of "Extreme Humility" of embracing the
cross, and sanctified by the Spirit whom He sent. As Christ took on our flesh, a
man and woman in marriage " ... shall become one flesh. So they are no longer
two but one flesh" (Matthew 19:5-6). Thus the words of St. Paul to the
Corinthians have so much meaning: "The body is not meant for immorality, but
for the Lord, and the Lord for the body." As God's love is not casual, crude, rude
and self-centered, so too, sexual love should not be this way. As God's love is
giving, emptying and creative, so too sexual love should be this way.
Orthodox Christian Marriage is Mutual -- Equal Respect and Love
The epistle read at the Orthodox wedding service is often misunderstood. The
focus of the understanding is the beginning of the passage, describing the
husband as "head" and wives as "subject." It surely would be interpreted in
Western culture as misogynist. The key to understanding the meaning of St.
Paul 's frequently quoted passage is the later verse: "For no man ever hates his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church." This, in
fact, means the wife and husband are of the same flesh and value. He would
value her and her preferences as he values his own. Thus, there is an equality in
respect and love.
Parents Are Teachers of the Gift of Blessed Sexual Love
Parents have to be the main teachers of God's gift of human sexuality. This
should be supported by clergy, clinicians teachers, etc. From early childhood to
the teen years, parents and child caretakers should present this "theology of
sexuality." The parents in word and action must first model this presentation.
Use of crude words for body parts or the sex act undermines the holiness and
sanctity of sex itself. It also bespeaks unbelievable hypocrisy. Any presentation
of sexuality must be age-appropriate. Ordinary daily events give parents so
many opportunities to discuss sexuality and its meaning.
For example, young children,are naturally inquisitive. Frequently they ask about
the sexual organs. Instead of shying away from discussion, this is an
opportunity for parents (and other appropriate individuals) to tell them these
are gifts from God. Children ask about birth. They should be told ageappropriate and accurate information: "This is how God gave mommy the way
to have your "little brother/sister born", etc.
Most importantly, never separate the explanation of sex from the love of God in
terms of His creation and commitment to us and the creative act and
commitment implied in the sex act within marriage. When family members are
exposed by way of the media to sex that is devoid of God's creative love and
commitment, parents can comment on it. Simple interpretive comments on
advertisements can be very effective. When a suggestive ad on TV appears for
example, a parent may comment: "Look how this ad is using that look (posture,
etc). Where is the deep meaning and love they should have for one another as
Christ had for us"? Comments do not have to be long and preachy. Children
learn very effectively from short, pointed statements.
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Use of analogy is also effective: "When we receive communion, Jesus is really in

us. We would never defile Him or the chalice that holds His Precious Body and
Blood. We should never defile the body parts that God gave us to share in His
creation."
Frequently sex focuses on the "hedonistic", pleasurable feelings that accompany
a sex act. This topic should also not be avoided but addressed. God allows us to
feel pleasure. This is the way He made us. The acts that can produce pleasure
can be either acts that help ourselves and others grow psychologically and
spiritually, or that can enslave us and others in terms of ordinary human
development: socially, occupationally, and spiritually. Pleasure blinds and
enslaves us when we are motivated to act selfishly and not for the good and
welfare of the other whom God asks us to Love. Pleasure as a result of a loving
act can help and motivate us to continue sharing in God's loving committed
creative acts.
In this context, parents and child caretakers can bring up other pleasurecentered activities that have similar consequences. For example, drugs can be
used to heal, such as when recovering after surgery. Drugs can also addict,
impede clear thinking, and prevent us doing well at school and our job. We
become enslaved to pleasure instead of finding freedom in Christ's love.
The dignity and importance of the Christian vocation of parents becomes more
meaningful after meditating on the beautiful prayer said by the priest as the
married couple become "one flesh" in the Orthodox wedding service: "Unite
them in one mind and one flesh, and grant unto them fair children for education
in the faith and fear ... " Remembrance of this prayer may aid parents in
remembering the reason for the spiritual depth of Christ-centered marriage and
parenting. This is the sacramental grace and commission bestowed on the newly
married couple by the Holy Spirit. At evening prayer a beautiful way to end the
day would be for parents and all who work with children to say: "Come Holy
Spirit, (unite us in one mind and flesh) that our children be educated in faith
and fear. Strengthen us for our appointed service as (parents, grandparents,
caretakers) of our children. Let the Love of Our Lord, God and Savior Jesus
Christ impel us in all we say and do on their behalf".
Religious education training programs should have specific modules for dealing
with issues of sexuality that will come up in the religious education classes for
children at different grade levels. Directors of Religious Education and teachers
ought to have specific training in the developmental stages of children and the
cognitive processes employed by children at each age. Specific curriculum
material can be developed appropriate to these stages and different thinking
processes. As mentioned above, children sense that certain topics are not
discussed and they develop the notion of the "attractive taboo." I am in no way
suggesting: "how to do it" instruction that is so objectionable to many parents.
Nor am I suggesting discussing instruction in preventing pregnancy. But if a
student asks what a condom is, a teacher should not shy away from a quick
Christian "theological" answer.
First of all, a general rule of thumb is not to assume any child knows what you
know, but rather start by asking in a very direct and natural way: "What do 'you'
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think it is?" Younger children typically surprise teachers and parents by giving
simplistic, sometimes "vanilla" answers. Older children are apt to have more
accurate answers. In all cases, the teacher's response should be natural and
theological (appropriate to the age-cognitive developmental level of the
student): "God made the husband to use his seed with someone he loves and
whom God has blessed in marriage ... Some men who are not married use
condoms with a person God has not blessed them to be with."
Some God-blessed married couples may decide to use a condom temporarily, for
a good reason, (e.g.: to finish a semester at college, move into a new house) and
then fulfill God's will for them and stop using it so to have the children God
wants them to have. Workshop training in this, wherein Religious Education
Directors and Teachers can practice dealing with the variety of questions
children of different ages and cognitive stages, is invaluable. It would be my
recommendation that parents and clergy also participate in curriculum
development and workshops. Lines of communication between parents,
teachers and clergy are best kept open and the approach by all to this important
issue integrated.
Clergy, as part of an adult education program in a parish, might want to include
a section on the "Christian Theology of Sex." Any pre-marital instruction a
parish priest has with prospective married couples should include Orthodox
Christian Sexuality. This would include material discussed above as it relates to
adults and how such material can be incorporated into children's religious
education at home and at religious schools. Responsible religious education
programs will include material interfacing what parents teach and model to
their children at home about sex. Clergy should be knowledgeable and
comfortable discussing the theology of sexuality with all parishioners. This
would include taking into account differing ages, sex, marital status, and
cognitive and emotional maturity.
With the continuing secularization* of our society it is all the more important
that we put Christ and His teaching back into our lives, homes and society.
Secular sexuality is proliferating. Often this secularization is insidious. It hides
in the values that underlie how our society presents itself. In Bruce Almighty, a
film released in 2003 a potential message of a life of meaning centered on God
and the love of neighbor as the love of God, is negated by the main character
living with his fianc obviously outside of blessed marriage. The message is
basically secular. As long as I am a good person, then I can act the way I want.
The theme of Madison Ave is: eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you die.
Acquire as much wealth and power and sex at any cost. Whoever dies with the
greatest number of toys (material goods, power, sexual conquests) wins.
In the Funeral Service of the Eastern Church there is a beautiful Idiomela
(hymn) by St. John of Damascus: "I called to mind the Prophet, as he cried: I
am earth, and ashes; and I looked again into the graves and beheld the bones
laid bare, and I said: Who is the king or the warrior, the rich man or the needy,
the upright or the sinner? Yet, O Lord, give rest unto thy servant with the
righteous." It is time for all leaders and healers to be zealous about developing
an action plan to combat secular sexual proliferation and bring our lives, homes,
75
schools and society back to Christ. We need to make sex and all our earthly life
holy again.
Holiness in Marriage
Appropriate words to end this reflection come from St. John of the Ladder
regarding married life. In his famous spiritual classic the Ladder of Divine
Ascent, he likens spiritual progress as climbing the rungs of a ladder. It is not
that anyone is either imperfect or perfect, rather we "strive" toward perfection,
living our lives in a continual climb toward union with God. Stumbling on a
rung is expected, and the ladder surely cannot be climbed in a single stride.
His comments on marriage then should be pondered: "Someone caught up in
the affairs of the world can make progress, if he is determined. But it is not easy.
Those bearing chains can still walk. But they often stumble and are thereby
injured. ... The married ... (are) like someone chained hand and foot." At first
glance St. John's words are quite pessimistic and would invite the same
response from us given by disciples who witnessed the rich young man who
rejected Our Lords counsel to sell what he had and give to the poor to enter the
Kingdom of heaven: "When the disciples heard this they were greatly
astonished, saying, "Who then can be saved?" But Jesus looked at them and said
to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"
(Matthew 19: 25-26).
Marital Hope
St. John's hopeful counsel reads: "Do whatever good you may. Speak evil of no
one. Rob no one. Tell no lie. Despise no one and carry no hate. Do not separate
yourself from the church assemblies (italics mine- Gk: ton synaxeon - the
Church assembly for the Divine Liturgy and reception of the Eucharist). Show
compassion to the needy. Do not cause scandal to anyone. Stay away from the
bed of another, and be satisfied with what your own wives (or husbands) can
provide you. "If you do all this you will not be far from the kingdom of heaven"
(italics mine).
Make use of the Church, as channel of blessings, sanctification, and healing.
She, Christ's Body, is truly a "hospital" (Morelli, 2006, Vlachos, 1994, 1998).
What better ending than to meditate on the prayer married couples should say
together at the beginning or end of each day:
O merciful God, we beseech thee ever to remind us that the married state is
holy, and we must keep it so; grant us thy grace, that we may continue in
faithfulness and love; increase in us the spirit of mutual understanding and trust
that no quarrel or strife may come between us ... for thou art our sanctification
and to thee we ascribe glory: to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy
Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
Dependency on God
St. Paisios of the Holy Mountain (Ageloglou, 1998) wrote: "We should do
whatever can be humanly achieved; the rest which is beyond our power, must be
76
left in God's hands." And the holy monk tells us again: " ... we must reject any
form of worldly assistance or human hope and with a pure heart, unhesitatingly
and trustfully devote our mind to God. Then, the grace of Christ will fill our soul
at once." Spouses, and indeed all, married or single, will gain independence and
salvation by dependence on God alone.
REFERENCES
*SEC-U-LAR-ISM. 1. Religious skepticism or indifference. 2. The view that religious
considerations should be excluded from civil affairs or public education. (The American
Heritage Dictionary)
Athos , Greece : Holy Mountain .
Beck, A.T. (1988). Love Is Never Enough. NY: Harper and Row.
Bear, G.G., & Rys, G.S. (1994). Moral reasoning, classroom behavior and sociometric
status among elementary school children. Developmental Psychology, 30, 633-638.
Burns, D.D. (1989). The Feeling Good Handbook: Using the New Mood Therapy in
Everyday Life. NY: William Morrow.
Christensen, A. & Jacobson , N.S. (2000). Reconcilable Differences. NY: Guilford
Eisenberg, N., & Mussen, P.H. (1989). The Roots of Prosocial Behavior in Children.
Cambridge , England : Cambridge University Press.
Gottman, J.M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. NY: Simon & Schuster.
Rivers Press.
Kadloubovsky, E., & Palmer, G.E.D. (1954. trans.) Early Fathers From the Philokalia.
London : Oxford
Kohlberg, L. (1976). Moral stages and moralization: The cognitive-developmental
approach. In T. Lickona (Ed.), Moral Development and Behavior: Theory, Research
and Moral Issues (pp. 31-53). New York : Holt.
Morelli, G. (2004). Sex is holy: The Responsibility of Christian Parenting. The Word.
48 (6) 7-8.
Morelli, G. (2006, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
Charity.
Sakharov, Archimandrite Sophrony, (1999). St Silouan the Athonite. Crestwood , New

York : St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.
Paulist Press.
77
Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P., & Ware, K. (Eds). (1986). The Philokalia: The Complete
Text Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain and St. Makarious of Corinth
(Vol. III).Winchester, MA: Faber and Faber.
Vlachos, H. (1994). Orthodox Psychotherapy: The Science of the Fathers. Lavadia ,
Greece : Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.
Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1998). The Mind of the Orthodox Church. Lavadia ,
Greece : Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.
APPENDIX
Questions and points to consider when an engaged couple meets with their parish
priest.
MARRIAGE: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will
make him a helper fit for him."
So out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird
of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and
whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name.
The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast
of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him.
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept
took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the
Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to
the man.
Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she
shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. "
they become one flesh.
And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed (Genesis
2:18-25).
MARRIAGE: WHAT IS ITS PURPOSE?
And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill
the earth ... " (Genesis 1: 28).
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, and is himself its Savior.
As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to
their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
her,
that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the
word,
that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle
or any such thing, that
she might be holy and without blemish.
Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his
wife loves himself.
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For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ
does the church,
because we are members of his body.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his
wife, and the two shall
become one flesh."
This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the
church;
however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that
she respects her husband (Ephesians. 5:22-33).
MARRIAGE: IS IT GOOD?
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will
make him a helper fit for him (Genesis 2:18)
Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, the Priest of mystical and pure marriage, and
the Ordainer of the law of the marriage for the body ... in the beginning didst
make man and set him to be a King over thy creation, and didst say: It is not
good for man to be alone on the earth; let us make a helpmeet for him; and
didst fashion Woman (Orthodox Marriage Crowning Service Prayer).
LOVE AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH

The many names and types of love:
Storge -- Affection: a feeling, emotion or sentiment.

Philia -- Friendship: is virtuous and loyal.
Eros -- Sexual Love: is passionate, may or may not involve sexual union.
Agape -- Divine Love: self emptying love, with no return.
MARRIAGE MUST BE BASED

REVELATION OF AGAPE LOVE
ON
THE
FULLNESS
OF
CHRISTS
Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
You are my friends if you do what I command you (John 15: 13,14).
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or
persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword (Romans 8:35)?
Agape Love
For the love of Christ controls us, because we are convinced that one has died
for all; therefore all have died. And he died for all, that those who live might live
no longer for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised (2
Corinthians 5:14,15).
Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God, and he who loves is born of
God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God; for God is love.
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son
into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we
loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son .." (1 John 4:7-10).
For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in
him should not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).
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Agape as Understood by St. Isaac The Syrian
The entire purpose of our Lord's death was not to redeem us from sins, or for
any other reason, but solely in order that the world might become aware of the
love which God has for creation. Had all this astounding affair taken place solely
for the purpose of the forgiveness of sin, it would have been sufficient to redeem
us by some other means.
SEX AND THE SEXUAL ACT

Participation in God's creation:
Domestic Church
A Christ centered home focused in ethos, values, and actions on the teachings
and practice of Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ, with the parents as the
ordained ministers of the household
Family Holiness
Thus husband and wife, now of one flesh with their children, who as offspring
share in this flesh climb the Ladder of Divine Ascent, together, and in union
with Christ's Body the Church.
XIV. The Anti-Negotiation Stumbling Block
We have discussed before how the love between husband and wife in a marriage
is to be modeled on and enlivened by the love of the persons of the Holy Trinity
for each other. God is Unity in Trinity (this is a great mystery), but we can at
least say, given the limitation of our human understanding, that the Persons of
the Holy Trinity relate to one another in perfect understanding. "Jesus, knowing
that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from
God and was going to God " (Jn 13:3).
Jesus' Ministry of Communication

We could consider the ministry of Jesus to be one of communication. He came
to reveal to us the truths he wanted us to know. Once revealed, it is now our
responsibility to carry them out. Remember Jesus' words as recorded by St.
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John: "If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have sin; but now
they have no excuse for their sin" (Jn 15: 22). He wanted to tell his message and
what he wanted in return to His apostles, disciples and all of who would be His
followers in ages to come. This could easily be interpreted that without
communication, there is attenuated responsibility. But Jesus did speak. He told
them what he wanted them to know. Now the listeners have the responsibility to
respond.
The Anti-Negotiation Problem

Unfortunately some married couples do not follow the example of Jesus in
communicating with each other. They feel their spouse should spontaneously
know and sense what they want and/or need. They may feel that to have to
communicate is a sign of a lack of love. In fact it is quite the opposite not
communicating broadcasts a lack of love. Once again, in the example of Our
Lord, early in his ministry he spoke in parables to those who were "hard of
heart." St. Luke comments on the reason why Jesus did not speak, that is,
communicate clearly: "But they did not understand this saying, and it was
concealed from them, that they should not perceive it" (Lk 9: 45). But for
those whom He loves, because they love Him Jesus says: "the hour is coming
when I shall no longer speak to you in figures but tell you plainly of the Father"
(Jn 16: 25).
Godly Christian Marriage

A couple in a blessed marriage are now of "one flesh." Spiritually, in the marital
relationship a male and female become "one flesh" in the Holy Mystery of
Matrimony by the grace of God sealed by the Holy Spirit. Recall Our Lord's
words: "Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made
them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father
and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?" (Mt
19: 4-5). To be "one flesh" implies that the two individuals work in concert to
become one mind and heart in Christ. They are joined together in love in a way
that replicates the way the Three Persons of the Trinity relate in love to one
another. They are to relate to one another as in the love Jesus had for those who
loved Him. They are thus to communicate, not in figures, but plainly. Of course
they are to never assume their spouse will know what they want them to know
or somehow as if by magic 'sense' their feelings. Jesus told his apostles how to
speak. Consider His words: "ask in my namefor the Father himself loves you,
because you have loved me and have believed that I came from the Father" His
disciples said, "Ah, now you are speaking plainly, not in any figure!" (Jn 16: 2627,29). Husbands and wives (and children) speak plainly to one another.
It can be seen that Jesus' counsel and the apostles impression of "speaking
plainly," fits with the necessity of behavioral pinpointing which I have discussed
in other articles (Morelli, 2006). The definition of "pinpointing" is easy enough
to comprehend: to be concrete in describing behavior; in this case to be concrete
in describing what you want from your spouse. Indicate what you would like
your spouse to do or say, and where and when you would like this to happen.
Use concrete terms to describe the asked for behavior.
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The Abstraction Trap

A wife may tell her husband, "I want you to be a better husband." Or she may
say, "I want you to pay more attention to me." Alternatively, a husband may say
to his wife: "I wish you would be more caring," or "I sure wish you would be a
better housekeeper." These are abstract, meaningless requests (similar to how
Jesus spoke "in figures" to those who did not love Him). Abstraction is the
mother of ambiguity, which in turn is the mother of multiple interpretations,
which in turn is the mother of discord. They keep hurling the abstract words
back and forth at each other. Couples who find themselves in "abstract" (or no)
communication often come to perceive the other as selfish and even evil. The
misunderstood spouse tends to feel angry, deprived, depressed and or
frustrated. Sometimes labeling, or name-calling arguments follow. Alternatively
stonewalling, shutting the other out, a veritable marital cold war ensues.
Example of Behavioral Pinpointing

In the above example, in place of the abstract communication, the wife might
say to her husband, "Charlie, I would like to spend at least a half hour before
bedtime with you each evening alone together, and just talk and hold each
other. This would allow us to share what happened during our day. I would feel
much closer to you." "Joe, you are off every other Saturday and sometimes just
tinker around the house, I would love to have a Saturday lunch with you for a
couple hours and do something together." A pinpointed statement the husband
may say to his wife: "Sally, I'll empty the dishwasher and put away the dishes
every evening, I really don't like dishes piling up in the sink. I would really
appreciate if you would rinse them and put them in the dishwasher right after
dinner. Unwashed dishes breed germs and that is a real turnoff."
The Mind-Reading Error

In fact, to consider that the other, even a husband and wife, would know what
the other is thinking and feeling without behavioral communication
pinpointing, is to make the cognitive error of mind-reading (Burns, 1980,
Morelli 2006a,b). Mind reading is the unrealistic cognition that one's partner
should be able to know what the one is thinking, feeling or desiring. (All
individuals perceive the world differently; it is the individual's responsibility to
communicate to their spouse what their wants and needs are. It is also the
responsibility of the spouses who mind-read to confront and oppos their own
irrational assumptions). The mind-reading error has to be challenged. The
three challenging questions for individuals given to this error to ask themselves
are: Where is the evidence for what my spouse is thinking, or not thinking?
Answer: I am assuming; I have no hard evidence. Is there any other way of
looking at it? Answer: I have no evidence; I can ask my spouse directly what he
or she wants. Is it as bad as it seems? I have no evidence, no direct knowledge,
my feelings are baseless.
The Negotiation Alternative
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Overcoming "speaking in figures," that is, employing pinpointed behavioral

communication, thereby avoiding the abstraction trap and by overcoming the
mind-reading error, sets the couple up to overcome the anti-negotiation
stumbling block. Anti-negotiation is the cognitive set which indicates husbands
and wives should not have to confer and discuss with their spouse what they
want from the other. Conferencing and discussing each other's wants and needs
is viewed as a lack of love in the relationship. Some consider negotiation as
trivializing and cheapening the marriage and by making it businesslike. This
attitude likens a husband and wife in a negotiation process to a stock or
commodity market trade transaction.
Proper Understanding of the Scripture

The anti-negotiation attitude broadcasts a lack of understanding of the
scriptures and church fathers concerning marriage. St. Paul tells us in the often
quoted text on marriage: "Even so husbands should love their wives as their
own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own
flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it" (Eph 5: 28-29). The key to
understanding this passage is to see that if a husband loves his wife as his own
body, nourishing it and cherishing it, the husband would know the wants and
needs of his loved one. This takes conferral, discussion, in other words:
communication and negotiation.
The often quoted beginning of this section of St. Paul's epistle is frequently used
to justify an authoritarian, obsequious misogyny: "Wives, be subject to your
husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the
head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior" (Eph 5: 22-23). Such an
interpretation fails to take into account the high regard that Jesus had for Mary,
His mother. It was in discerning her want and desire that He would perform His
first public miracle. The events recorded by St. John are so subtle they almost
could go unnoticed. But the Miracle of Cana becomes an event in the context of
Divine love that generated concern and thus 'conferencing' becomes a model for
relating to one another and certainly between husband and wife. Mary tell
Jesus, "They have no wine." And Jesus said to her, "O woman, what have you to
do with me? My hour has not yet come." His mother said to the servants, "Do
whatever he tells you" (Jn 2: 3-5).
Patristic Commentary
Very enlightening to the meaning of the often misunderstood words of St. Paul's
Epistle to the Ephesians is the commentary on this passage by the great Church
Father, St. John Chrysostom (2003): "Paul begins this passage by saying "Be
subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." It means the respect is
basically without limits. The saint goes on: "If your spouse doesn't obey God's
law, you are not excused. A wife should respect her husband even when he
shows her no love, and a husband should love his wife even when she shows him
no respect." This mutuality extended to what we have termed conferring.
Discussion and negotiation can be seen in the example the Golden Mouthed
Saint cites as an example: "Consider Abraham and SarahThat household was
united in harmony and piety, a perfect illustration of the apostolic precept.
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Sarah respected her husband; listen to her words: "It has not happened to me,
and I am old and my lord is old also" (Gen 18:12, LXX). He loved her in return
and always did what she asked.
Psychological Effects of Anti-Negotiation

Unfortunately, the psychological effects of anti-negotiation are rather dire.
Because of the lack of pinpointed communication, of mind-reading, of not
discussing and conferring, the marital partners rarely feel their husbands or
wives understand them and provide for their needs. This invokes a cascading
framing of the spouse's perceived attitudes and behavior as confirming the
uncaring and unloving interpretations he has made. This is similar to the
deleterious effects of the abstraction trap but in an anti-negotiation mode, that
the relationship is a non- loving business. This attitude begins to color all
marital interactions as a commodity exchange, which then widens and deepens
the dysfunctional emotions of anger, anxiety, depression and solidifies the
stonewalling communication shutdown, thereby increasing psycho-spiritual
distancing from one's spouse.
Psychological Intervention
Husbands and wives in a blessed marriage who are not bound by the pernicious
stumbling block of anti-negotiation are willing to get into the arena of
negotiation. Those with the anti-negotiation attitude will have to first change
their unfavorable perception of negotiation. They will first 'challenge' the
assumption that discussion of 'wants and feelings' is a commodity. As said
before, the three challenging questions can be asked. Where is the evidence? A
spouse who gets angry at the thought of negotiation can re-evaluate the
'awfulness' and 'terribleness' of discussing and conferring on issues that the
couple disagrees about. The use of the mental ruler technique is a useful tool in
bringing about more realistic evaluations (cf. Morelli, 2005),
Did not Our Lord Himself sit with those who opposed Him and dialogue with
them? Our Lord Himself could be the couple's psycho-spiritual model. Recall St.
Matthew's description of Our Lord's action: "And when the Pharisees saw this,
they said to his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and
sinners?" (Mt 9:11). They will work toward a rational, sensible, understanding of
their views until a mutual agreement can be reached. They will work at
overcoming preconceptions that husbands and wives in love will have the same
views or that they will automatically meet each others' needs without
communication. They will accept the individuality of the other: that their spouse
may have different yearnings and behavioral wants (Morelli, 2006d). They will
learn to be assertive. Assertiveness is an honest and true communication of real
feeling in a socially acceptable way. For the committed Orthodox Christian
husband and wife (or any other Christian) an important corollary applies: All
assertive pragmatics must be done in the love of Christ which includes patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - what is known in
scriptural terminology as the "fruit of the Spirit" (Gal 5: 22-23) (Morelli,
2006e).
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Compromise will always be the outcome of these "negotiations." When this

cannot be reached knowing their spouses' view will be appreciated and
respected. Negotiation will be viewed as a marital tool to enhance the
relationship.i
Consider St. Matthew's record of Jesus' teaching:
But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to
judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and
whoever says, 'You fool!' shall be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering
your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something
against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to
your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Make friends quickly with your accuser, while you are going with him to court,
lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and
you be put in prison" (Mt 5: 22-25). The usual interpretation on this gospel
passage focuses on reconciliation. That is: our own reconciliation with God is
dependent on reconciliation with our neighbor. This interpretation is obviously
correct. St. John Chrysostom in his commentary on this gospel passage tells us
(Manley 1984): "'Let my service' He says, 'be interrupted, that your love may
continue, since this also is a sacrifice, your being reconciled with your brother'
His wish is to point out that He highly values charity, and considers it to be the
greatest sacrifice ."
What is unspoken, but implied, is that in seeking reconciliation, the disagreeing
individuals have to 'discuss and confer' with one another. It is just these
processes of discussion and conferencing that are involved in the negotiation
action. This interpersonal interaction is brought out even more directly in St.
Paul's instruction to the Galatians (6:1) when he tells them: "Brethren, if a man
is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit
of gentleness."
St. Gregory the Great in his Book of Pastoral Rule (2007) is quite explicit that
those who are married are to be given different spiritual direction than those
unmarried. Once again, the theme of communicating with each other
'conferencing', as it were, is emphasized. The good saint states:
The married should be advised that they endure with mutual patience those
things that bring displeasure and that they exhort [negotiate] one another to
salvation. For it is written" "Mutually bear one another's burdens and you will
fulfill the law of Christ." [Gal 6:2]. For the law of Christ is charityTherefore, by
imitation, we complete the law of Christ when we kindly confer good things to
others and sustain the evil actions of others. For the married should be advised,
then, they not worry themselves so much on what they must endure from their
spouse but consider what their spouse must endure on account of them.
85
Another advisement of St. Gregory is particularly apt to the husband and wife in
blessed marriage. In fact this counsel of our Holy father Gregory should set the
spiritual (and cognitive behavioral psychological) basis of spousal negotiation.
"Those who live in discord and those who are peaceful should be advised
differently. Those who live in discordwill not become spiritual if they are
unable to be united to their neighbor (spouse). For it is written: The fruit of the
Spirit is charity, joy and peace" (Gal 5:22). Therefore the one who does not care
to keep the peace refuses to bear the fruit of the spirit." My words above to use
the fruits of the Holy Spirit as the spiritual theme of assertiveness is quite
consistent with St. Gregory's own words as quoted here. Quoting St. Paul's letter
to the Ephesians (4:3-4), St. Gregory goes on: "And again, he admonishes them,
saying: "Strive to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace: one body and
one spirit, even as you are called in one hope of your calling." The saint does
warn not to let "peace" bring about failure to "reprove the evil conduct of
others." He warns against condoning such behavior, but again, St. Gregory
emphasizes the peace we must have in our own hearts. The saint tells us: "...if it
[peace] is extinguished by those who are corrected, it should nevertheless
remain in the mind of you who offered the reproof."
Peaceful Negotiation not Anti-Negotiation

Instead of viewing negotiation as a betrayal of love and marriage it can be
perceived as a psycho-spiritual tool to make their marital bond stronger. The
husband or wife can no longer expect their spouse can mind-read their wants
and needs. They come to accept that they have to participate in communication,
discussion and conferencing in a loving, peaceful way. They can learn to accept
the uniqueness of their spouse preferring and not demanding that their wants
and needs be automatically met by their spouses. They can put into action the
beautiful petitions Divine Liturgy and so many other services of the Eastern
Church where we consistently pray for peace.
A Nutshell of "Peace" in the Divine Liturgy

The first petition in the Divine Liturgy after the blessing is: "In peace let us pray
to the Lord." The next two petitions also ask for peace. Every Little Ektenia
(Litany) starts out with a petition for peace. The Holy Gospel is read only after
the blessing "Peace be with you all." The recitation of the Creed is preceded by
the proclamation: "Peace be to all." The holiest part of the Divine Liturgy, the
Anaphora in which the Bread and Wine becomes the Body, Blood, Soul and
Divinity of Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ by the descent of the Holy
Spirit, is preceded by the prayer that "we may offer this Holy Oblation
[Sacrifice] in peace." In the Ektenia of Thanksgiving after receiving the very
Body and Blood of Christ, we ask that the "whole day may be perfect, holy,
peaceful, and sinless let us commend ourselves and each other, and all our life
unto Christ our God. All attending the Liturgy are then instructed to "go forth in
peace." How spiritually blessed for husband-wife and their children, the
Domestic Church to attend the Divine Liturgy and the other services of the
Church as a 'family in Christ.'
The Choice of Peace

86
I am pro-choice. I sincerely believe from the depths of my heart a blessed

married, husband and wife can choose to communicate, discuss, conference and
negotiate in a "spirit of peace of Christ." The blessed married couple can do so
by working as if all depended on them and by praying for and cooperating with
the grace of God, that all depends on and is possible with God (cf. Mat 19:26) ii
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God the Father,
and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
REFERENCES
Burns, D. (1980). Feeling good: The New Mood Therapy. NY: The New American
Library.
Manley, J. (Ed.) (1984). The Bible and the Holy Fathers for Orthodox. Menlo Park, CA:
Monastery Books.
Morelli,
G.
(2005,
October
14).
The
Beast
of
Anger.

Morelli,
G.
(2006b,
February
04).
Smart
Parenting
Part
II.
Morelli, G. (2006c, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World.
Morelli, G. (2007d, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A Tool for
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
Morelli, G. (2006e, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
Charity.
St. Gregory the Great. (2007). The Book of Pastoral Rule. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's
Seminary Press.
St. John Chrysostom. (2003). On Marriage and Family Life. Crestwood, NY: St.
Vladimir's Seminary Press.
In situations which involve for example chronic and unrepentant adultery or physical,
sexual, emotional or psychological abuse. Negotiation is not the best option. Adultery
or abuse is not negotiated. In most cases involving such egregious behavior, healing will
not mean reintegration into the usual pattern of life the spouse previously lived.
Acknowledging responsibility, and acceptance of the consequences must occur and this,
if the marriage is to work at healing, will involve a radical change in the marital
lifestyle. In most cases, individuals who have physically or sexually abused others will
have to be removed permanently from their social milieu and be subject to the civic
legal consequences as well. In all such cases professional help from competent licensed
mental heath professionals should be sought and direction from one's spiritual father
or mother is a necessity.
i
87
ii
"With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
XV. Ensnared By Mindless Helping

The fear of man lays a snare, but he who trusts in the Lord is safe.(Pv 29: 25)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.(Pv
3:5)
For Christians, help is a problematic concept. As an abstract construct help is
ambiguous and open to multiple interpretations. (Morelli, 2006b). The
American Heritage Dictionary (1994) defines help as "to give assistance to." This
definition lacks, however, an interpretation of the effect of help on others, as
well as the motive for giving assistance, to name two important criteria. This
essay explores the scriptural, patristic and spiritual dimensions of help, offering
a rich matrix for behavioral evaluation. Consider some examples of what has
been called help that may occur in family situations.
Situation I: A Toileting Situation

Example I. A newborn infant has soiled itself and the baby's parents help by
changing the dirty diaper and cleaning their infant.
Example II. A real help problem brought to me in counseling several years ago:
A physically and psychologically healthy 7-year old is helped by his mother to
wipe himself after toileting.
Situation II: Request for a drink or snack

Example I. A 2-year old is thirsty and asks his mother's help to get him some
juice from the top shelf of the refrigerator which is out of his reach.
Example II. Another veridical family interaction: A mother, 16-year old son and
13-year old daughter are in the upstairs family room watching television. The
daughter asks her mother: "what snacks are in the kitchen cabinet?" The mother
helps by going down and reporting back to her daughter. The teenage girl then
tells her mother which snack she wants and her mother goes back to the kitchen
to retrieve the snack she wants and brings it back to her daughter.
Situation III: Picking up the child after an after-school event

Example I. A working couple has a school-age child who needs a ride home after
a school event. The child's mother is extremely stressed and tired after a
grueling day at work. She would have to go out of her way and be stuck in traffic
88
to pick their child up. The father, who had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting
around the house and playing videos. The wife calls her husband and asks him
to pick up their son.
Example II. A working couple has a school-age child who needs a ride home
after a school event. The child's mother is extremely stressed after a grueling
day at work. The father had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting around the house
and is playing videos. She thinks calling her husband would be inappropriate.
He would be displeased and she would not be fulfilling her obligation as wife
and mother. Tired and stressed as she is, she heads toward the child's school, in
traffic jams, for the pickup.
Evaluating the situational examples

I believe the reader will note the second example in each of the situations above
is dysfunctional and thus an illustration of mindless helping which engenders
some harm to one or more of the family members. They are thus examples of
hurting, doing wrong, and thus evil. They are detrimental to the spouse or
parent as givers of the mindless help as well as to the spouse and children as
recipients of the mindless help.
Here are a few other examples of mindless helping in marriage. I am sure you
can add many others.
A husband helping his wife who is eager to learn household financing by

doing all the domestic bookkeeping himself.
A wife who insists on helping her husband, who really enjoys cooking, to
help the marriage by not allowing him in the kitchen.
A husband who helps his wife by picking out the clothes she buys and
wears.
Criterion for judging Mindful helping vs. Mindless helping:

God's Love and Goodness
God is Love
St John tells us: "So we know and believe the love God has for us. God is love,
and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." (1Jn 4:16)
Furthermore, we are not only to love God as He loves us, but to love our
brothers as well. St. John continues: "We love, because he first loved us. If any
one says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not
love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And
this commandment we have from him, that he who loves God should love his
brother also." (1Jn 4: 19-21).
Godly love is good

Consider the words of Jesus: "No one is good but God alone." (Mk 10:18). What
follows from this is that God loves us and we are to love Him and all mankind.
Love is only Godly if it is good, and is for good. The true meaning of love and its
89
application help as a "good" is given in St. Paul's well-known definition of love.

Love " does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right." (1Cor 13: 6). What
is good is right, what is bad is wrong A knife, such as a scalpel a surgeon uses to
remove a tumor, heals the patient. This would be doing a good. A knife used to
inflict injury on an innocent person would doing wrong, an evil.
The concept help, which is the application of love, must be evaluated in the
same way. If it is for the good and welfare of self and others, physically,
psychologically and spiritually, then it is Godly. If it brings about harm to self
and others it is wrong and un-Godly.
Psychological factors
Mindless helping broadcasts a psychological need to nurture. In part this may
be related to a mindset of the spouse that unless helping they are not living up
to their marital and/or parental obligations. This behavior takes on compulsive
qualities so that if nurturing or giving care is impeded, anxiety, guilt or dejection
is elicited. Each time mindless helping occurs the doers' behavior is rewarded
(negative reinforcement of inappropriate behavior) by the attenuated
dysfunctional emotion. And the repetition of mindless helping behaviors
strengthens the behaviors, thus making the inappropriate behavior more likely
to occur in the future. On the other hand, the recipient of mindless helping is
rewarded for dependency on others (Positive reinforcement of inappropriate
behavior).1 Dependent individuals are also not provided with the opportunity to
learn functional behaviors that they are capable of learning (for example, see
Morelli, 2005, 2006).
Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain (Ageloglou, 1998) describes the deleterious
effect of mindless helping on contemporary youth: "In our days, many young
people have a strange attitude: they want to study without attending school
(they often participate in school strikes, etc.), they want to have good grades
without studying hard, and they want their graduation diplomas brought to
them at the cafeteria where they are sitting having fun." Such a situation could
only occur if the students are rewarded for their laziness rather than held to
account for their studies.
In addition, a pattern if mindless helping can, lead to marital and family
discord. If helping behavior is denied, a spouse or child may react by criticism or
anger. For instance, in Situation II, above, Request for a drink or snack: once
when the mother told her young teen daughter to find out what snacks were in
the house herself, the teen responded in a huffed tone: "You just don't know
how to be a good mother."
Mindless helping can also lead to lack of self-respect and the respect of others,
who may be viewed, and perceive themselves as being viewed as subservient
pawns. They become mere instruments, slaves to the beck and call of others. In
such cases it behooves the mindless helper to engage in an assertive training
program. (Morelli, 2006b).
Spiritual factors
90
Spiritually, mindless helping stems from the passion of pride, a mistaken

understanding of the virtue of love, and not recognizing that all family members
have free will and thus have responsibility for their own lives. St. John of the
Ladder (1982) tells us: "Pride is a denial of God, an invention of the devil,
contempt for men." The writer of the Ladder of Divine Ascent goes on to tell us:
The proud man [male and female] wants to be in charge of things." This is one
of the features of mindless helping. One member of the domestic church,
husband, wife, offspring , wants to be in charge of what they think the other
should be doing or not doing.
Christ's teachings
Let us consider Our Lord's parable of the ten bridesmaids:
Then the kingdom of heaven shall be compared to ten maidens who took their
lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five
were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them;
but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. Then all those maidens rose and
trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil,
for our lamps are going out.' But the wise replied, 'Perhaps there will not be
enough for us and for you; go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.' And
while they went to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in
with him to the marriage feast; and the door was shut. Afterward the other
maidens came also, saying, 'Lord, lord, open to us.' But he replied, 'Truly, I say
to you, I do not know you.' Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor
the hour." (Mt 25: 1-4, 7-13).
This parable is about being prepared, taking responsibility for doing what one is
capable of doing and the dire consequences of not taking responsibility. This
parable is usually interpreted by our holy Church Fathers as the personal
obligation to be ready for entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. (Bl.
Theophylact, 2006).
Applying the Parable's lessons

But surely it can be applied to the obligation for individuals to take
responsibility to do anything they are capable of doing. The wise virgins did not
mindlessly help the foolish ones, rather they assertively and mindfully told them
to procure their own oil. This understanding of the parable of the ten
bridesmaids is supported by the words of Jesus in the next parable (The
Talents), described by St. Matthew (25: 14-30). Jesus said to the servant who
buried his talent: "You wicked and slothful servant!" Blessed Theophylact
(2006) comments: "But if you should see an intelligent and skilled man
misusing his intelligence in various pursuits .you may say that such a man has
buried his talent in the earth" What would Jesus say to the mother who
toileted her competent, healthy 7- year old, or what would Jesus say to the
mother who servilely complied with her capable teen daughter's requests, or
what would Jesus say to the tired, stressed wife-mother, whose child needed a
ride home after school while letting her relaxed but qualified husband continue
to "lay around the house."
91
Jesus Himself as our Model

Jesus himself did not shirk responsibly and work. It was he who was nailed to
the cross and died for our salvation. No one took his place. This was to fulfil
what was spoken by the prophet Isaiah, "He took our infirmities and bore our
diseases." (Mt 8: 17). As St. Paul told the Philippians about Jesus: "And being
found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death,
even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on
him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee
should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue
confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Therefore, my
beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but
much more in my absence work out your own salvation" (2:8-12).
The witness and teaching of the Holy Apostles

St. Paul himself sets the standard. He tells the Colossians: "Him we proclaim,
warning every man and teaching every man in all wisdom, that we may present
every man mature in Christ. For this I toil, striving with all the energy which he
mightily inspires within me." (Col 1: 28-29 ) The Apostle to the Gentiles himself
toiled, not in mindless helping, but that others might attain maturity. What is
maturity? This is another way of saying we encourage all those around us to do
all that they are capable of doing and developing fully. No one in the domestic
church (the home) should enable dysfunctional behavior, or spiritual sloth or
laziness, either within the household or in those encountered outside the home.
Can this be more clearly and emphatically stated than the words of St. Paul to
the Thessalonians? "For even when we were with you, we gave you this
command: If any one will not work, let him not eat." (2Thes 3: 10 ).
St. Paul as our model

St. Paul practiced what he preached. He himself worked and did help those who
were "in need", that is "the weak." St. Luke records the words of St. Paul in the
Acts of the Apostles (20: 33-35): "I coveted no one's silver or gold or apparel.
You yourselves know that these hands ministered to my necessities, and to those
who were with me. In all things I have shown you that by so toiling one must
help the weak..."
A blessed marriage imitating Christ and St. Paul

A couple in a blessed marriage should follow the example of St. Paul and in turn
model it for their children: "For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate
us; we were not idle when we were with you, we did not eat any one's bread
without paying, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might
not burden any of you. It was not because we have not that right, but to give you
in our conduct an example to imitate." (2Thes 3: 7-9). And most important,
spouses should apply these words of St. Paul not only to themselves but also to
their children.
92
St. Paul's counsel is strong: "Now we command you, brethren, in the name of
our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is living in
idleness " (2Thes 3:6). I am not suggesting spouses abandon one another or
their children. I am suggesting that we work toward overcoming idleness by
anyone in the family. Thus, it behooves skillful family members to help one
another in situations where someone is incapable of some task, and promote by
word and action appropriate behaviors (and Godly spiritual practices) that they
are capable of doing. This same helping principle applies when encountering
non-family members as well.
The teachings of our holy Spiritual Fathers

While not using the term mindful help, St Isaac the Syrian's words (Brock, 1999)
counsel the same theme: "The desire of the Sprit for those in whom the Spirit
dwells is not to let them grow accustomed to laziness, or to invite them to a life
of ease, but rather to one of labors" Add to St. Isaac's writing the wisdom of St.
Peter of Damaskos: "For every action must be done at the right time and with
discrimination [diakrisis] , so that it is not inopportune or detrimental"
(Philokalia III p.97).
Helping guideline reminder

As discussed above, the criterion for guiding helping was that it be for the good
and welfare of the individual. Just as Love and Goodness are found in God,
these same qualities should be found in our interactions with others. The
Church Fathers teach us knowledge of love and goodness may be acquired
through discrimination. Once again, to quote St. Peter of Damaskos:
"[d]iscrimination is characterized by an unerring recognition of what is good
and what is not, and the knowledge of the will of God in all that one does."
(Philokalia III). Discrimination, "the ability to distinguish between spirits"
(1Cor 12:10), is considered by the holy spiritual Church Fathers to be a gift of the
Holy Spirit. St. Paul tells the Ephesians (6: 17) and us that discrimination is a "
helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Acquiring discrimination (diakrisis)

St. Paul goes on to tell us one way discrimination can be acquired: "Pray at all
times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication." (Eph 6: 18). St. Gregory of
Sinai counsels: we should put ourselves under the direction of a someone holy
and experienced and go " to one, to someone who has been entrusted with the
guidance of others as well, who is radiant alike in his life and in his words, and
who although poor makes many rich (c.f. 2Cor 6:10)." (Philokalia IV p.183) This
advice is in the spirit of Solomon, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls;
but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." (Pv 11: 14) This is
summarized in St. Paul's letter to the Hebrews (5: 12-14): "you need some one
to teach you again the first principles of God's word. You need milk, not solid
food; for every one who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness,
for he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their
faculties trained by practice to distinguish good from evil." We are to use our
God-given gift of intelligence in this process. As St. Maximus the Confessor tells
93
us: "[t]he Lord's commandments teach us to use neutral things intelligently."

(Philokalia, II). This is done in union with the mind of, and in communion with,
the Church founded by Christ by the descent of the Holy Spirit on His apostles
at Pentecost, and passed to the bishops and priests of today. It done is by
receiving her holy mysteries, and understanding the holy traditions and
scriptures of the Church, as taught by the Holy Spirit-inspired Church.
A spiritual consequence of fostering dependency by mindless helping is keenly
seen by St. Mark the Acetic: : "laziness, which weaves the dark shroud
enveloping the soul in murk. The third vice supports and strengthens the other
two [forgetfulness and ignorance], consolidating them so that evil becomes
deep-rooted and persistent in the negligent soul. and through your true ardor
for all that is good you will drive out the godless laziness that enables evil to root
itself in the soul." (Philokalia I,) While St. Mark is concerned with actualizing
spiritual knowledge, his words can be applied to the learning and performance
of any activity before God that enhances personal function in the family and
society.
Spiritual caveat: All for Christ and Christ for all

Spiritually, there is also the problem of purity of motive. One can administer aid
for self-glorification rather than our of a genuine love for the good and welfare
of the other. For a Christian, self-glorification is a vice while genuine love is
Godly virtue. Consider the words of Christ: "But Jesus said, ' no one who does
a mighty work in my name will be able soon after to speak evil of me. For truly, I
say to you, whoever gives you a cup of water to drink [as discussed above, to
someone in real need] because you bear the name of Christ, will by no means
lose his reward." (Mk 9: 39, 41). As discussed above, the help must be for
someone in real need.
We can also recall Our Lord's own warning: "Not every one who says to me,
'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my
Father who is in heaven." (Mt 7:21) Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain
(Ageloglou, 1998) caught the possible trap: "It is very egotistical to believe that
you are able to correct other people." Applying this wisdom to those in blessed
marriage, the Church in the Home, it means that husband-father, wife-mother,
and children, have to make all family decisions based on Christ and His
teaching. This is to say, love of God and neighbor, as Christ Himself told us:
"And he said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and
with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first
commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as
yourself'." (Mt 22: 37-39). Applying this counsel to family and all mankind
means mindful helping for the good and welfare of the other, in the name of
Christ.
Let no one despise your youth, but set the believers an example in speech and
conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. (1Tim 4: 12).
REFERENCES
American Heritage Dictionary. (3rd ed.). (1994). Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
94
Beck, A.T.(1988). Love Is Never Enough. Harper & Rowe: New York.
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Avon Books: New York.
Blessed Theophylact. (2006). The Explanation by Blessed Theophylact of the Holy
Gospel According to St. Matthew. House Springs. MO: Chrysostom Press.
Brock, S. (1997). The Wisdom of St. Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG
Press.
Ellis, A. & Harper, R.A. (1961). A Guide to Rational Living. Secaucus NJ: Lyle Stuart:.
Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Simon & Schuster: New York.
Morelli,
G.
(2005,
September
17).
Smart
Parenting
Morelli,
G.
(2006a,
February
04).
Smart
Parenting
Morelli, G. (2006b, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
Part
Part
1.
II.
Charity.
ENDNOTES
i. A short Primer on Behavioral Management
Behavior is shaped (made stronger or weaker) by it's consequences.
Consequences that make behavior stronger or more likely to occur again:
Positive reinforcement: After behavior occurs it is followed by a pleasant event.
Negative reinforcement: After behavior occurs an unpleasant event is taken away.
95
Consequences that make behavior weaker or less likely to occur again:

Positive punishment: After behavior occurs it is followed by an unpleasant event.
Negative punishment: After behavior occurs a pleasant event is taken away.
For
a
more
detailed
explanation
see:
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-Smart-Parenting-XII-The-TimeOut-Tool.php and http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-Smart-ParentingXIII-Tools-for-Smart-Punishing.php.
ii. This respect for free will must be accepted between husband and wife.
Communication of reasonable expectations of one another should be effectively
employed. An example of this is using the Preference Scale in communication,
collaboration
and
negotiation.
(http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIV.php). Parenting,
however, involves an interaction with offspring that becomes more paradoxical over
time as the children of a blessed marriage increase in age and development. A child is
completely dependent on his or her parents at birth and the early years. As
development ensues, smart parenting means allowing children to make (ageappropriate) decisions for himself or herself and thus assume increasing levels of
independent judgment. As the offspring get older, especially in the teenage years
approaching and reaching legal adulthood, some differences in viewpoint have to be
accepted by the parents, in imitation of Jesus, himself, who accepted the decision of the
rich young man who rejected His words about what was required to attain eternal life.
(see
Mt
19:
16-26,
as
well
as:
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting2.php)
iii. The wisdom of Solomon and St. Gregory of Sinai (Philokalia IV) to seek guidance is
not limited to spiritual issues. The authors of many self-help books of scientific
cognitive psychotherapy interventions (e.g. Burns, 1980; Beck, 1988; Ellis and Harper,
1961; Gottman, 1994), frequently suggest readers consult trained clinicians in dealing
with their problems. Burns, for example, points out that it is "unreasonable" to expect
to improve or recover after reading his book. What is needed is "the additional help of a
mental health professional." St. John Cassian (Philokalia I) cites the necessity of
knowledge, quoting from the Book of Proverbs (24: 5): "A wise man is mightier than a
strong man, and a man of knowledge than he who has strength.." This wisdom is
certainly helpful in treating mindless helping.
XVI. Pre-Marriage: Avoiding Infatuation Intoxication
A tranquil mind gives life to the flesh, but passion makes the bones rot. (Pv
18:30)
96
Genuine love in marriage is modeled after the love between the three persons of
the All Holy Trinity. The revelation of this love for us is the self-emptying
kenotic love that the Son of God has for mankind. By assuming human flesh,
suffering, being crucified and rising from the dead, Christ conquered sin and
death so that we might be, as St. Peter (2 Pt 1:4) informs us, "partakers of the
divine nature." (Morelli, 2008)
One obstacle to practicing the highest level of kenotic love, called agape, in a
blessed marriage, is the problem of infatuation. In the scientific psychological
literature (Beck, 1988), infatuation is related to mania. Elsewhere I discuss the
dysfunctional emotions of anger, anxiety and depression i This article focuses on
infatuation as a mania. Mania is usually associated with serious mental
disorders such as Bipolar Disorder; Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic
Personality Disorder; and substance abuse disorders.
Most individuals experience the mania of infatuation as part of the first step in
dating and sexual attraction. For some, however, infatuation becomes the
dominant emotion controlling their lives. Mania, as with all emotional
dysfunction, can result in behavioral, interpersonal, social and spiritual damage.
The Neuropsychology of Infatuation

One of the major communication components within the divinely-designed
human body is the hormone-neurotransmitter system. Hormones are chemicals
secreted into blood and tissue that produce a bodily reaction. Neurotransmitters
are chemicals that transmit impulses between nerve cells. The following
hormones and neurotransmitters are related to sex differentiation and
development, infatuation, and sex attraction:
Androgen: Produced in the testes and responsible for male primary

(internal and external sex organs) and secondary (such as muscle mass,
body hair) sexual characteristics. Androgen levels have been implicated
in the regulation of human aggression and level of sexual desire and
arousal.
Testosterone: An androgen-related hormone directly responsible for
primary male sexual organs that is followed by increased production of
testosterone by the male testes; responsible for the development of male
secondary sex characteristics. Females have this hormone in lesser
amounts than males.
Estrogen: Initially produced by cells that will develop into the ovaries
and be responsible for female primary (internal and external sex organs)
and secondary (such as breast development) sexual characteristics.
Regulates menstruation. Males have lesser amounts of estrogen than
females. In males, estrogen has been implicated in the regulation of
sexual desire.
Pheromones: A chemical secreted by an animal that influences the
behavior or development of an animal of the same species. In females,
pheromones have been associated with the synchronization of menstrual
cycles of females living together, and the bonding of new mothers with
their newly-born offspring. One study of humans (Wyart, Webster, Chen,
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Wilson, McClary, Khan, and Sobel, 2007) suggested that pheromones are
associated with the initiation of sexual attraction in the opposite sex.
Norepinephrine: Serves as both a hormone and a neurotransmitter,
norepinephrine is produced by the medulla of the adrenal gland (two
small glands, one located above each kidney) and the nerve endings of
the sympathetic nervous system (brain stem) to cause vasoconstriction
and increases in heart rate, blood pressure, and the sugar level of the
blood and which in turn signal generalized arousal as well as sexual
arousal.
Dopamine: Serving as both a hormone and a neurotransmitter,
dopamine is produced in several parts of the brain, including the
hypothalamus, which regulates many body functions. It is involved in
important roles in behavior and cognition, motor activity, motivation and
reward, lactation, sleep, mood, attention, and learning.
Serotonin: A neurotransmitter which modulates anger, aggression, body
temperature, mood, sleep, sexuality, appetite, and metabolism.
Oxytocin: A hormone produced by the pituitary gland which stimulates
uterine contractions during birth, facilitates lactation and facilitates pairbonding or connection.
Fisher (2004, 2006) has described the hormone and neurotransmitter

processes that underlie infatuation. Excitatory chemicals such as
norepinephrine and dopamine lead to intense stimulation of the pleasure
centers of the brain. They further propel us toward sexual intimacy. A form of
norepinephrine called phenethylamine (PEA) actually produces an
overwhelming sense of euphoria, exhilaration, elation, exultant outlook, energy
upswing, expansive and elevated mood and talkativeness, as well as a decreased
need for sleep and decreased appetite. Studies indicate that infatuation and
mania are a type of psychomotor agitation induced by overstimulation of the
pleasure centers that are located in the lower brain. These effects are also not
dissimilar to the intoxicating effects of the amphetamines and akin to the
psychological features of mania. This similarity actually led one writer (Slater,
2006) to comment: " the brain chemistry of infatuation is akin to mental
illness." These lower brain areas, collectively called the limbic system (from the
Latin limbus, meaning border or collar because they resemble a circular
structure ) that regulate pleasure such as sexual function (as part of a reward
system serving emotional reactions) are increased in action. The cognitive
correlates of limbic system activation are that we tend to focus on the favorable
aspects of the person that we are infatuated with while ignoring the unfavorable
aspects. Important differences in intellect, interests, marriage and parenting
styles, personality, religion and values tend to be overlooked or glossed over
altogether. This psycho-physical phenomenon may underlie the popular
aphorism: "Love is blind, but the neighbors ain't."
At the same time, these same chemical processes attenuate the inhibitory
system of the brain, the amygdale. ii The consequences of making the amygdala
function less effectual is interference with the stop feature of the brain. Once the
manic features kick in, they are hard to slow down. This attenuation is
analogous to someone who, after tasting a chocolate chip cookie, wants another
and can't stop. Peele (1976) has likened infatuation to an addiction.
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Cognitive psychiatrist Beck (1988) points out that the brain functions described
above do not mean that infatuation is under the control of the lower brain and
that cognitive control can never be achieved. As in mitigating all emotional
dysfunction (Beck, 1976; Ellis, 1962; Morelli, 2006a,b), cognitive-control
techniques can be applied and practiced. These cognitive-control strategies are
modulated by the upper cerebral cortex area of the brain iii. Neural pathways
extend from the cognitive-control brain areas located in the cortex to the lower
brain centers.
Cognitive Distortions in Infatuation

The follow list describes common behavioral tendencies related to infatuation:
Selective Abstraction: Focusing on one event while excluding others.

Jack focuses on Jill's overwhelming beauty. He doesn't recognize her
quickness of temper and snide remarks.
Arbitrary Inference: Drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in
an ambiguous situation. For example, Jill thinks Jack's angry remark is
"proof that he loves her."
Personalization: Interpreting a general event in exclusively personal
terms. Jill concluded Jack's despondency was caused by something she
had done. She could not stand his disapproval.
Polarization: Perceiving or interpreting events in all or nothing terms.
Jack perceives all that Jill does is "done for him." Whether she is eating,
working on a job assignment, cleaning her apartment, or doing the most
mundane tasks, it is all 'good.'
Generalization: The tendency to see things in always or never
categories. If Jill has Jack's love, her life is complete; she will never need
anything else in her life again. She now has the ultimate meaning of her
existence.
Demanding Expectations: Beliefs that there are laws or rules that must
always be obeyed. This cognitive distortion may arise later in marriage
when the beliefs and feeling associated with infatuation are muted. Jill's
previous interpretation of Jack's intellect and strong personality as
favorable changes to unfavorable. Later in the marriage these same
characteristics are perceived as judgmental and controlling. She has a
demanding (and unrealistic) expectation that the courtship relationship
should continue throughout their marital years.
Catastrophizing: The perception that something is worse than it actually
is. Jill cancels a 'date' with Jack, because she has to study for an
important test. Jack views this as a catastrophic event and reacts with
anxiety and depression.
Minimization: The perception that an event is much less important than
it actually is. Jill so idealizes Jack because of his prominent, powerful
occupation and high salary that she does not consider his making
ordinary decisions for her that affect her life to be of much importance.
Emotional Reasoning: The judgment that one's feelings are facts.
Because Jill cancelled their date Jack feels Jill doesn't love him. Because
he feels Jill doesn't love him, it makes his conclusion true.
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Infatuation Preparedness
MetacognitionMindfulness
Metacognition is defined by Cognitive-Behavior Therapy (CBT) (Morelli, 2009)
as "thinking about your own thinking." It is a regulatory or control process to
guide thinking and problem-solving. It involves planning, regulating,
monitoring, and evaluating in a step-by-step process leading from where the
person currently is to an end goal to be solved or achieved. Psychologically it is
similar to mindfulness which Kabat-Zinn (2003) defined as "the awareness that
emerges through paying attention to purpose, in the present moment, and
[which is] nonjudgmental to the unfolding of experience moment by moment."
In another article (Morelli, 2009) I indicate that mindfulness focuses on the
sensory and physical aspects of the present moment, recognizes cognitions,
emotions and physical sensations occurring in the present moment, develops
cognizance of the streams of awareness in the present moment, and practices
separation of the cognitions from emotional and physical sensations. The goal of
mindfulness is to consider all decisions that could be made, rejecting choices
that are under emotional control while making choices based on the reasonable
mind and intuition (what feels right).
Linehan (1993), making therapeutic use of controlled breathing and meditation
regimens, describes to the "enteric brain," the large complex matrix web of
nerve fibers in the gastrointestinal region and its ligature with the cerebral
brain. It is hypothesized that this neuropsychological linkage underlies the
interactive relationship connecting intuition, reason, breathing, and meditation
together with mindfulness. These exercises can be considered in conjunction
with the metacognitive procedures discussed below.
Considering the attenuated cognitive functioning of individuals already
infatuated, pre-planning and preparation should be consider the first step in
coping with the problem of infatuation. Use of prevention strategies are
consistent with the goals of the United States Department of Public Health
(www.cdc.gov/prc/). This would mean it would be beneficial to train individuals
to cope with infatuation before infatuation takes hold.
Self-instructional Training
Metacognitive control, also known as self-instructional training, makes it
possible for individuals "to do a kind of thinking they could not, or would not,
otherwise do." (Meichenbaum and Asarnow, 1979) This preparation procedure
is described by Meichenbaum (1974) as a "cognitive prosthesis." Selfinstructions serve to motivate the individual, focus the individual on what to
attend to, and direct the rehearsal of the tasks needed to reach the goal. Selfinstructions serve as a guide to thought and a set of cognitive rules or principles
to follow in dealing with problems. Here is an example of a set of initial
metacogntive instructions:
Ok, I am attracted to ____________________
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Let me step back and slow down my feelings to think.

What is attractive about ____________________?
What is unattractive about ____________________?
Let me get some more information.
Do our personalities match?
Do we have the same values?
Do we have the same commitment to Christ and His Church?
Do we have the same interests?
Can I be myself?
Does he/she accept me for who I am?
Would he/she parent our children the same way?
Can I accept him/her for who he/she is?
Can I accept him/her for 10 years, 20 years, and for the rest of my life?
How does he/she relate to parents, siblings and friends?
The way by which a person relates to parents siblings and friends is also a good
indicator of how he/she may relate to you.
Watchfulness (Metacognition) in the Mind of the Church

Consider St. Peter's words: "Be sober, be watchful. Your adversary the devil
prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking some one to devour." (1 Pt 5:8)
Regarding this scriptural passage, our holy spiritual father St. Symeon the New
Theologian (Philokalia IV) writes: "To speak generally, it is impossible to
acquire all the other virtues except through watchfulness." Later St. Symeon
develops the point further: "the intellect repulses all distractive thoughts that
encircle the heart, attempting to get in, and it rebuffs them through
attentiveness." The counsels of the spiritual Church Fathers, in their
understanding of Our Lord's teachings, foreshadow the techniques of the
cognitive psychological 'treatment' procedures of recognizing cognitive
distortions and themes, challenging and restructuring these distortions and
integrating mindfulness exercises.
The early fathers of the Eastern Christian Church present the concept of nepsis,
or the vigilance and watchfulness of the mind and heart. This is similar to the
cognitive therapy technique employed by psychologists in helping patients to
learn to control their thoughts through mindfulness.
For Orthodox Christians, mindfulness not only means the human activity of
clear attention and dispelling of distorted thinking, but also cutting away that
which is ungodly and attending to what is Godly. Hausherr (1990) taught that
nepsis is "wakefulness, attention, from the Greek verb nepho (to be vigilant,
mindful)." Thus, we can be completely "present" to our thoughts and
surroundings. A mindful person is not dissimilar to a military scout at the head
of a column, or a busy parent "attending" to their newborn infant.
St. Hesychios described the effects of mindfulness: "Watchfulness is a graceful
and radiant virtue when guided by Thee, Christ our God, and accompanied by
the alertness and deep humility of the human intellect[I]t cleanses the
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intellect consumed in ungodliness by the brine of demonic thoughts and the

hostile will of the flesh, which is death." (Philokalia I)
Strengthening a Christ-like Courtship

These metacognitive guiding questions and spiritual reflections presented in
this article are not meant to exorcise the beauty, joy or mystery of true love
leading to a holy and blessed marriage. Rather, these questions and reflections,
by integrating into the love equation the thinking processes and the enlivening
of Christ in the depth of our hearts, are meant to prevent our "losing our heads."
Spiritually, watchfulness and nepsis are also meant to help the couple, in
courtship or after a marriage blessed by God, to stay faithful to His
commandment of love. In Christian marriage, authentic and true love seeks to
replicate the self-sacrificial love that Christ revealed to us when He became man
and dwelt among us (and which continues today in Christ's faithfulness to His
Church). Self-sacrificial love conforms to the Great Commandment to love our
neighbor as ourselves. In so doing we also love and honor God (Mt 25:36-40; 1
Jn 4:19-21).
A Simple Imagery Exercise to Combat Infatuation

If thinking indicated the person is not right for you, an imagery exercise may be
helpful in replacing the idealized image of the person you are beginning to get
infatuated with. For example, you could form a mental image of the exalted
'loved' one that portrays him or her in an embarrassing or foolish manner. A
well dressed, handsome man could be pictured in a Chicken Little costume; a
beautiful girl or young woman could be imaged with cream pie dripping from
her face.
Questioning Cognitions
Once dysfunctional emotions occur, and are recognized as such, the next step
involves helping the infatuated one recognize, and then re-label and restructure,
the cognitive distortions and themes listed above. Three questions are helpful in
challenging the 'love sick' person's thinking so that restructuring can occur:
What evidence do I have to support my emotions?

Is there any other way of looking at the situation?
Is the situation as bad as it seems?
For example, in dealing with the manic-like infatuation elicited by the

selective abstraction behavior example presented above, Jack could ask:
What evidence do I have that Jill's beauty is the sum total of who she is?
Answer: "Yes, she has many characteristics other than beauty."
Is there any other way to look at who Jill is? Answer: "Yes she is
beautiful, but she also has a nasty quick temper and makes contemptuous
gestures and remarks.
Is my situation as bad as it seems? Answer: "If I were to break up with
Jill, it might be a blessing and not a tragedy at all. I don't want to spend
the rest of my life with a spouse who is judgmental and nasty."
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Behavioral Response Plan

Questions and answers would help Jack debrief his cognitive error by helping
him understand what brought the error about. The next step is to help Jack
become behaviorally proactive by developing a plan to respond more effectively
in the future. Jack would follow this cognitive insight with a behavioral action
plan. He would have to be assertive in his communication with Jill.
Assertiveness is defined as an honest and true communication of real thinking
and feelings in a socially acceptable (and in a charitable, Christ-like) manner.
Assertiveness is a skill that can be acquired to communicate a necessary view or
feeling in order to bring about a favorable psychological or spiritual result. This
definition has two qualifications: 1) The assertive utterance should be socially
acceptable; and 2) Only when a minimal response fails to bring about the
desired result should an escalation of communication occur. For the Christian a
third corollary applies: All assertiveness must be done in the love of Christ
which includes patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and selfcontrol-what is known in scriptural terminology as the "fruit of the Spirit" (Gal
5:22-23). (Morelli, 2006b)
A life in prayer, watchfulness, and union with Christ and His

Church
Living a life of prayer is especially important during courtship. This includes
practicing being aware of the presence of God, and being watchful that our
thoughts, words and deeds are Godly. Prayer and watchfulness require stillness,
that is to say, taking time out to focus on God and His will for us. St. Philotheos
of Sinai (Philokalia III) writes extensively on the importance of stillness and
watchfulness in leading a life in Christ. In one of his counsels he tells us: "It is
very rare to find people whose intelligence is in a state of stillness. Indeed, such
a state is only to be found in those who through their whole manner of life strive
to attract divine grace and blessing to themselves. If then we seek-by guarding
our intellect and by inner watchfulness-to engage the true philosophy of
Christ, we must begin by exercising self-control Watchfulness may fittingly be
called a path leading both to the kingdom within us to that which is to be" We
can reflect on the words of St. Paul: "Every athlete exercises self-control in all
things." (1 Cor 9:25) St. Philotheos would have us meditate on the words of St.
Paul to the Galatians (5:16-17): "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and do not gratify
the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the
desires of the Spirit are against the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to
prevent you from doing what you would."
Being under the guidance of a spiritual father or mother and frequent use of the
holy mystery of penance to a father confessor is recommended for all Christians,
but especially for those who are in the courtship years in which passions are
most strong. The guile and ruse of the evil one is to have people fall into a state
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of dejection and abandon Christ, after being in a state of sin, that is to say, after
'missing the mark.' Rejecting Christ allows the evil one to win and Christ to be
lost.
But Christ himself said: "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but
those who are sick." (Mt 9:12) During the time of life when we are most
susceptible to the illness and infirmity of sin, we need Christ, our heavenly
physician, to cure our soul in the holy mystery of Confession, and to give us His
Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity. As we pray in the Divine Liturgy, just before
receiving Christ in the Eucharist, "Therefore, O Master, do thou thyself
distribute these gifts here spread forth, unto all of us for good according to the
individual need of each thou who art the physician of our souls and bodies."
In leaving the topic of infatuation let us recall the words of our holy spiritual
father, Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain (Ageloglou, 1998):
The one who realizes his mistake, has already progressed halfway. However,
it is also very important for him to sense his weakness. It is much better to be
aware of our own weakness, than to struggle very hard, while neglecting it.
REFERENCES
Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos (1998). Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain. Mt.
Beck, A. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York:
Beck, A. T. (1988). Love Is Never Enough. New York: Harper and Row.
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, New Jersey: Lyle
Stuart.
Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. New
York: Holt.
Fisher, H. (2006). "The Drive to Love: Neural Mechanisms for Mate Choices, in R. J.
Sternberg and K. Weis (eds.), The New Psychology of Love. New Haven, Conn.: Yale
University Press.
Fisher, H. and Thomson, J. A. (2007). "Lust, Romance, Attraction, Attachment. Do the
Side Effects of Serotonin-Eenhancing Antidepressants Jeopardize Romantic Love,
Marriage and Fertility?," in S. M. Platek, J. P. Keenan and T. K. Shakelford (eds.),
Evolutionary Cognitive Neuroscience. Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press.
Hausherr, I. (1990). Spiritual Direction in the Early Christian East (Cistercian Studies
Series , No. 116). Spencer, Mass.: Cistercian Publications, St. Joseph's Abbey.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality
Disorder. New York: Guilford.
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Meichenbaum, D. (1974). "Self-Instructional Training: A Cognitive Prosthesis for the

Aged," in Human Development 17, 273-280.
Meichenbaum, D. & Asarnow, J. (1979). "Cognitive-Behavioral Modification and
Metacognitive Development: Implications for the Classroom," in P. C. Kendall and S. D.
Hollon (eds.), Cognitive-Behavioral Interventions: Theory, Research, and Procedures.
New York: Academic Press.
www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php
Morelli, G. (2006b, July 2).
Assertiveness and
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Christian
Charity.
Morelli, G. (2008, July 6). Good Marriage XIII: The Theology of Marriage and
Sexuality. www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-Smart%20Marriage-XIII-TheTheology-of-Marriage-and-Sexuality.php
Morelli, G. (2009 January, 13). Suicide: Christ, His Church and Modern Medicine.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles-2009/Morelli-Suicide-Christ-His-ChurchAnd-Modern-Medicine.php
Palmer, G. E. H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (trans.) (1979). The Philokalia: The Complete
Text (Vol. 1); Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain and St. Markarios of
Palmer, G. E. H., Sherrard, P., & Ware, K. (trans.) (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3
The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios
of Corinth. Winchester, Mass.: Faber and Faber.
Palmer, G. E. H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (trans.) (1995). The Philokalia, Volume 4:
The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios
of Corinth. London: Faber & Faber.
Peele, S. (1976). Love and Addiction. New York: New American Library.
Slater, L. (2006). "Love, the Thing Called Love," National Geographic Magazine
February.
Wyart, C., Webster, W. W., Chen, J. H., Wilson, S. R., McClary, A., Khan, R. M., and
Sobel, N., (2007). "Smelling a Single Component of Male Sweat Alters Levels of Cortisol
in Women," Journal of Neuroscience 27 (61), 261-265.
NOTES
i.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/Indexes/Morellix.php
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XVII: Wrecking a Marriage: Demanding Human Justice
The judgment of man is one thing; the judgment of God is another thing
altogether (St. Dorotheos of Gaza)
We are so prone to view the world through our own eyes. Not only are we
inclined by our brokenness (Morelli, 2006b) to expect that others will act they
way we want them too, but we are also predisposed to judge and evaluate others
in terms of whether or not they meet up with our expectations and demand
justice. In a marriage blessed by God, through His Church, this can be especially
disastrous. Couples are inclined to judge the other in human terms and not
divine terms. They heed not the words of St. Paul to the Romans (10:3): For,
being ignorant of the righteousness that comes from God, and seeking to
establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness.
Spouses that are overly judgmental often feel hurt or despondent when finding
defects in their partners. They may lash our verbally and become blaming and
accusatory in their interaction with their husband, wife or children. Frequently
they also forget the words of Christ as recorded by St. Matthew (7:3): Why do
you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in
your own eye? This results in the perception of themselves as blameless and the
perception of their spouses as malevolent and villainous. They frequently strike
out with angry hurtful accusations and criticisms. Not only does this put a
wedge in the marital relationship, but it misses the mark of acting in love and
bringing peace in the marital (and parental) relationship. Recall the beatitude:
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Mt 5:9).
The spouse who demands human justice, hardly meets this counsel.
Furthermore the spouse who is the object of the demand for justice may well
want to cry out the words of the psalmist 119: 6-7): Too long have I had my
dwelling among those who hate peace. I am for peace; but when I speak, they
are for war! Spiritually, of course, it behooves all who are engaged in a state of
conflict to seek peace, following the words of Christ: And whenever you stand
praying, forgive, if you have anything against any one... (Mk 11: 25).
A increasing spiraling cycle of judgment and anger blinds them to the
irrationality of their demand for justice and its spiritually damaging
implications. They are inclined to tenaciously hold on to their perception of the
lack of fairness and justice in the others behavior and persistently hold on to
view that their evaluation is the only correct judgment. They are inclined to
always make sure all is humanly fair in the marital relationship and they have
the right to be enforcers of this fairness. Couples who hold on to the rigid
inflexible stand that all aspects of their marriage be totally fair, go to extremes
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and demand exactitude in what the other does. Other destructive demanding
attitudes and maladaptive behaviors occur, leading to marital discord often
accompany the demand for human justice. i
I once had a couple come to me for counseling who, the wife had such a view of
her husbands time. If a softball game lasted a specific amount of time, she
demanded it was only fair that she have the exact same amount of free time
with her girl-friends to go shopping. If he came home from work 10 minutes
late, she now also had the right to return from some appointment 10 minutes
late herself. Couples with this dysfunctional belief do not see anything
unreasonable in holding this attitude. In fact it is only fair. The are entrenched
in self-righteous vicious and rigid application of human justice.
Cognitive understanding
Cognitive-Behavioral psychological studies have demonstrated that irrational
cognitive distortions trigger of strong emotional disturbance (Beck, 1991; Burns,
1980; Ellis, 1962; Morelli 2006a,). Morelli, 2006a lists defines and gives
examples of the eight major cognitive distortions. Among those who demand
human justice two irrational cognitions are most predominant and can be
singled out:
Demanding Expectations: Fairness is an absolute necessity. The individuals
who holds such a standard, believes they have a complete and unrestricted
right for a rigid fairness in social interactions, including their spouse, children
family and others.
Overvaluation: If their standard of human justice is not met by their loved
ones, they view it as catastrophic, as if to say more than a 100% bad.
Cognitive Intervention: Changing Demands to Preferences

Individuals who maintain these cognitive distortions must first see they are
based on a system of self-created rules. There is no guarantee or universal law
that the world will be fair and just and that their husband and/or wife, children
and others will act in accordance with their own determination of what is
justice. Frequently those who are entrapped with demanding human justice will
point to an external rule that states, for example that some statute of law must
be obeyed. They fail to realize that there is no self-rule, or statute of government
or of God, that is externally compelling that is to say, forcing the individual into
compliance.ii This is not to say righteous societal or Godly laws should be
disobeyed or condone disobedience. In fact both government and society
imposes consequences and sanctions for breaking rules. Moreover it behooves
us to follow Godly rules for social order and conform to Gods will to love Him
and others for our salvation. This is only to say it is still our choice, mankind has
free will and by cognitively restructuring our expectations from demands to
preferences we are more likely to be emotionally stable and act in a godly
manner.
Taking the Perspective of the Other

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Cognitive-behavior clinicians also attempt to show their patients to take the

perspective of the other. That is to say, to help them to see, that others may be
following a different set of rules, that makes sense according to the others
perspective. As has been explained by Morelli 2007a, demands can be replaced
by preferences in terms of the behaviors they would like from their spouse or
children It is important for the couple to communicate what their perspectives
are to each other and if appropriate agree to disagree. iii
Synergia: Spiritual Counsel and Cognitive Restructuring

In fact spiritual understanding of how God created us can aid in challenging and
restructuring this self-created justice rule system. We are made in Gods image
and called to be like Him. An essential component of being made in Gods image
is we having free-will. St. Antony the Great, the spiritual father of monasticism
tells us (Philokalia I p. 343) : God is not the cause of evil. He has given men
knowledge and understanding, the power of discriminating between good and
evil and free will [my emphasis]. Our Lord, God and Savior Jesus Christ
Himself, respected the free will of His creatures. Consider the Our Lord, giving
advice to the Rich Young Man, who inquired of Him, what he had to do to attain
eternal life. Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you
possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come,
follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful; for he had
great possessions (Mt 19: 21-22). Jesus made no demands, He did not coerce
the young man.
The parable of the parable of the workers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20: 1-16) is
an outstanding example of Our Lord Himself patently rejecting human justice:
For the kingdom of heaven is like a householder who went out early in the
morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with the laborers for a
denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And going out about the third
hour he saw others standing idle in the market place; and to them he said, You
go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you. So they went.
Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. And
about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing; and he said to
them, Why do you stand here idle all day? They said to him, Because no one
has hired us. He said to them, You go into the vineyard too. And when
evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his steward, Call the laborers
and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first. And when
those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius.
Now when the first came, they thought they would receive more; but each of
them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the
householder, saying, These last worked only one hour, and you have made
them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.
But he replied to one of them, Friend, I am doing you no wrong; did you not
agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you, and go; I choose to give
to this last as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what
belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? So the last will be first, and
the first last.
108
The rejection of human justice in this parable is easy to see. By human

standards it is unfair. It violates human sensibility and law. Why should
someone who worked only one hour be paid the same as one who labored all
day and bore the scorching heat? Regulations and rules should be the same for
all. So if this is the parable Jesus used to tell us how we should approach
consequences of each and others work (or behavior) what is the lesson for
couples in a blessed marriage and leaders of their families in their domestic
churches (Morelli, 2007b).
The lesson is this is not how God operates. Starting with the incarnation itself,
we merit nothing. God, ineffable, inconceivable, invisible, incomprehensible,
ever existing and eternally the same,iv emptied Himself for our salvation. Recall
St. Pauls words to the Philippians (2:6): who, though he was in the form of
God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped .. Grace is freely
given. No one has a right to anything. By trust in God, and conforming our
minds and hearts to His, by adopting the Mind of Christ and the Church we
trust based on His Love and Mercy that we will be deified and be one with Him
not only on earth, but in eternal life. Thus this is the spiritual basis of how
married couples should relate to each other and their children.
In the earthly ministry of Jesus, He never intervened to impose either human or
divine justice. In fact, Jesus was dealt the greatest injustice of all from a human
or a divine viewpoint. He was the one who endured spittings and scourgings,
the cross and death for the salvation of the world. v to forgive our sins and
conquer death . When challenged, that if He were truly God He would call down
His legions and have Himself freed. Recall the account of the event from St.
Matthew (27: 39-43): And those who passed by derided him, wagging their
heads and saying, "You who would destroy the temple and build it in three days,
save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross." So also the
chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, "He saved others;
he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from
the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God; let God deliver him now,
if he desires him; for he said, 'I am the Son of God.'" In deference and in respect
of the free will He gave to His creatures, Jesus did not respond to these taunts
and challenge. He allowed His Death to occur in selfless emptying of His
Godhead. If this is what God, Himself did, for us and as Christ Himself told us:
Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master (Jn 13:16)
can any spouse require, demand rigid, inflexible justice from their partner? I
pray all who read will respond, hardly.
Spiritually we can be reminded of the counsel of St. Diadochos of Photiki: The
reason why we have both good and wicked thoughts together is not, as some
suppose, because the Holy Spirit and the devil dwell together in our intellect,
but because we have not yet consciously experienced the goodness of the Lord
(Philokalia I, p 285). Our help in overcoming the imposition of our human
justice standards on spouses and children and all, is to act in imitation of Christ
Himself. To experience His goodness, we work at overcoming our selfcenteredness, that is to say our pride. Once again, this not to advise or condone
wrongdoing by others, but simply to recommend how we change our perception
109
of the way we anticipate and require others to behave. Following the direction of
St. Anthony the Great: The cause of all evils is delusion, self deception and
ignorance of God. (Philokalia I p. 333), we work at overcoming our cognitive
distortions (delusions) and learn to be more like God in our own attitudes,
emotions and behaviors. Doing this will help us fulfill another counsel of our
Holy Desert Father Anthony: When talking with others all harshness should be
avoided; for modesty and self-restraint adorn an intelligent person .. (Phil I p
333).
When then in total, sincere, commitmentvi and union with Christs Body, the
Church, in receiving the Holy Mysteries, vii we overcome the inclination to
impose our righteousness (cf. Rm 10:3), rather (b)ut thanks be to God, that you
who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the
standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free
from sin, have become slaves of righteousness (Rm 6: 17-18). This
righteousness is not of man, but of God. Although in this life see dimly, as St.
Paul told the Corinthians (1 Cor 13:12): For now we see in a mirror dimly, but
then face to face, we trust that in eternal life, God will establish His divine
justice, based on His love., This will supplant our blinded human justice, when
as He told us in eternal life: "Behold, I make all things new. (Rev. 21:5).
REFERENCES
Beck, A.T. (1991). Cognitive Therapy: A 30-year Retrospective. American Psychologist,
46, 368-365.
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated.
Avon Books: New York.
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy : A Comprehensive Method of
Treating Human Disturbances : Revised and Updated" rel="external">Reason and
Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus NJ: Lyle Stuart.
Frankl, V. (1959). Man's Search for Meaning. NY: Simon & Schuster.
Morelli, G. (2006b, July 29). Dealing With Brokenness in the World: Psychological
Optimism
and
the
Virtue
of
Hope.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliBrokenness.php.
Morelli, G. (2007a, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A tool for
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
Morelli, G. (2007b, August 28). Smart Parenting VI: Talking to Your Children About
Sex. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartParentingVI.php
Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings
(Cistercian Studies Series, No 33). Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.
110
NOTES
For examples, see the series on Good Marriage
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/Indexes/Morellix.php
i
at
this
website:
This would not hold true in a tyrannical dictatorship. But even in such a system of
government, the individual maintains a measure of freedom. Viktor Frankl (1959),
while incarcerated in a Nazi Concentration death camp and rising out of the depths of
despair, had the insight that his captors could control his body, but not his soul. Frankl
could find meaning in life, that man can make a choice, a will to meaning, to live and
even to die for the sake of his ideals and values. Frankl points out: A thought
transfixed me: for the first time in my life ... The truth that love is the ultimate and the
highest goal to which man can aspire ... The salvation of man is through love and in
love a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a
brief momentFor the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the
words, The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory. For a
committed Christian, meaning in life has to rise above the mere human level and be
enlivened by Christ. (From: Viktor Frankl, "Man's Search for Meaning."
ii
This does not apply to situations involving physical, sexual, emotional or negligence
abuse. In such cases, state reporting law should be followed and seeking out mental
health clinical and pastoral intervention should be initiated.
iii
iv
From the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom, Anaphora Prayer.
From the Orthros of Great Friday (Passion Gospels) Dismissal.
The Domestic Church, the Little Family in the Home, in family and personal daily
prayer, scripture reading and study, family attendance of all Sunday and Feast Church
Services and modeling Christ-like behavior by all to all.
vi
Baptism, Chrismation, The Holy Eucharist (the very and true Body, Blood, Soul and
Divinity of Christ), Holy Penance, Holy Unction (and for those called: Holy Matrimony
[the Blessed Union of male and female to become one Flesh] and Holy Orders [males
called to the diaconate, priesthood and/or episcopacy].
vii
XVIII. Marriage and Parenting in the Domestic Church
You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew

5:48).
111
Some who are called to salvation through the vocation of marriage may consider
it inferior to the monastic life. In part this attitude is shaped by descriptions that
compare the monastic vocation to angelic life, particularly the abstinence from
sexual relations. "Moreover the renunciation of the monkincludes not only
these but in accordance with the strictest teaching of Jesus all sexual relations
or emotion arising therefrom." The monastic idea of chastity is a life like that of
the angels" (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/10459a.htm).
Focus: Departure from "the world" Married or Monastic?

Marriage was considered to be a secondary vocation by spiritual writers of both
East and West following St. Paul's instruction to the Corinthians, "So that he
who marries his betrothed does well; and he who refrains from marriage will do
better" (1 Cor 7:38).
The description arises from the central focus of monastic life: the voluntary
renunciation of "worldly" preoccupations. Before St. John Chrysostom matured
into the great pastor he became, he too recommended monastic over married
life. He wrote to his friend Theodore who was contemplating leaving
monasticism, " it is no longer possible for thee to observe the right conditions
of marriage. For if he who has been attached to a heavenly bridegroom deserts
him" (http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf109.v.iv.html).
Focus: Perfection in Christ: In Harmony with His Teachings

in the World
Later on, however, St. John's attitude changed. After more experience and
greater contact with godly people, especially the holy widow Oympias, we see a
new recognition in St. John's writings that marriage is also an esteemed path to
salvation.
In a letter to Olympias about the raising of children St. John wrote: "Bring him
up in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. Never deem it an unnecessary
thing that he should be a diligent hearer of the divine Scriptures. For there the
first thing he hears will be this, 'Honor thy father and thy mother;' so that this
makes for thee. Never say, this is the business of monks. Am I making a monk of
him? No. There is no need he should become a monk" (i)
( http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf109.xvii.vii.html)
The Golden-Mouthed saint understood why Olympias was able to lead a holy life
in Christ, while in the world. He wrote, "But you know how to dwell in great and
populous cities as if they were uninhabited, spending the whole of your time in
quietness and rest, and treading worldly ambitions under footthe perfect
training which renders you insensible to any terror at the hands of any one, the
power of standing on a rock in the midst of mighty billows of tribulation, and
sailing in a calm with a favorable breeze when the sea is raging around you."
Standing up to the afflictions and tribulations of the world produces virtue. St.
John continued, "For such is the nature of afflictionwhen it lays hold of a
brave and noble soul, this is what it is wont to effect. And as the fire makes the
112
piece of gold, when it is applied to it, of better proof: so also affliction when it
visits golden characters renders them purer and more proven. Wherefore also
Paul said 'affliction worketh patience, and patience probationMore than that,
we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and
endurance produces character, and character produces hope" (Rm 5:3-4,
http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf109.xvii.vii.html).
Perfection: Harmony with Christ Continued

Clearly St. John came to the point of view that whether a person is married or a
monastic, both paths can lead to holiness. He wrote, "I shall therefore quote you
examples from the saints of the ancient times. How many, who had wives to
keep and children to bring up, were inferior in no respectBut would you know
why it was? It was for his hospitality, for his contempt of riches, for his
chastened conduct. For what, tell me, is the duty of a philosopher [one
committed to Christ]? Is it not to despise both riches and glory? Is it not to be
above both envy and every other passion?"
He also warned all his readers, "Do not imagine that the monk alone stands in
need of these lessons from Scripture. Of all others, the children just about to
enter
into
the
world
specially
need
them"
(http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf109.xvii.vii.html).
A practical example
Would St. John feel at home in our world 1700 years later? Most likely he would
and this does not speak well of us. It does, however, make his teachings all the
more relevant. In his letter to Olympias, St. John spoke of the "court," by which
he meant the ruling courts of Emperors and Empresses and their legates. We
could replace the reference today with government leaders such as legislators or
judges, or even business and cultural leaders. Most important, we can still apply
the moral imperatives to the relationships we have with others. St. John wrote,
Thus the more distinguished he is in the present life, so much the more he
stands in need of this education. If he passes his life in courts, there are many
Heathens, and philosophers, and persons puffed up with the glory of this life. It
is like a place full of dropsical people. Such in some sort is the court. All are, as it
were, puffed up, and in a state of inflammation.
There is then every need of much discipline of this sort to those that are to mix
in the present world, because such an one has a stronger temptation to sin than
the other. And if you have a mind to understand it, he will further be a more
useful person even in the world itself. For all will have a reverence for him from
these words, when they see him in the fire without being burnt, and not desirous
of power. But power he will then obtain, when he least desires it, and will be a
still higher object of respect to the king; for it is not possible that such a
character should be hid.
Amongst a number of healthy persons, indeed, a healthy man will not be
noticed; but when there is one healthy man amongst a number of sick, the
113
report will quickly spread and reach the king's ears, and he will make him ruler
over many nations. Knowing then these things, bring up your children in the
chastening and admonition of the Lord."
Desert in the City

St. John gives us a monastic ethos while living in the world a desert in the city
so to speak. It's a model we see practiced elsewhere. St. Paul, for example, was
directed to venture into cities, "(R)ise and enter the city and you will be told
what you are to do" (Acts 9:6). In fact, in early Christianity, the first Churches
were home churches, and although not properly a "Eucharistic assembly"
(Zizioulas, 2001), it certainly is the center of sanctification of a man and woman
in blessed married and their children.
A prayer that is read for the couple during the wedding service affirms the
inherent importance and dignity of Christian parenting. "Unite them in one
mind and one flesh, and grant unto them fair children for education in the faith
and fear ..." the prayer reads. This prayer reveals that the vocation of marriage
and parenthood must be Christ-centered and thus marriage and parenting is
God-ordained (Morelli, 2005, 2008a,b).
Marriage and The Domestic Church: A Ladder of Divine

Ascent in the World
If the writings of St. John Chrysostom reveal that the ethos of the married and
monastic vocations are similar in that both offer opportunities for sanctification,
we can look to monasticism for guidelines on how to apply personal discipline in
the world. St. John Climacus' "The Ladder of Divine Ascent" is considered one
of the classics of Orthodox spiritual teaching. Unknown to many however, is
that St. John was asked by married couples how they could apply his teachings
if they were not monks. He responded,
Some people living carelessly in the world put a question to me: "How can we
who are married and living amid public cares aspire to the monastic life?" I
answered: "Do whatever good you may. Speak evil of no one. Rob no one. Tell
no lie. Despise no one and carry no hate. Do not separate yourself from the
church assemblies. Show compassion to the needy. Do not cause scandal to
anyone. Stay away from the bed of another, and be satisfied with what your own
wives can provide you. If you do all this you will not be far from the kingdom of
heaven.
In the introduction to the book Metropolitan Kallistos pointed out that people
do not necessarily ascend the steps in order. The ladder is not to be taken
literally; but sets "a standard and model for the whole Church." In our case, we
can see the book as a guide to living a Godly life in the domestic churches the
families who live in the world.
The Five Elements of Godliness Love
114
St. John Climacus ("Of the Ladder") structured his instruction as a ladder that
he called the "divine ascent." They are steps that, if practiced, can lead us to
God. The pinnacle of the ascent is love. Love is what fills life with meaning
because, as the Holy Scriptures teach us, "God is love" ( 1 John 4:8). When we
strive for love, we strive for God, and we become aware of how God "fills all in
all"
St. John used the image of a ray of light to describe God. The ray (God) makes
all things, light: mercy encircling the ray, and a disk that represents love's
unceasingness which appears as a "single radiance and a single splendor." In a
sense we emulate or replicate this divine activity "insofar as is humanly
possible." We are not God, but the creation is such that even human actions find
some congruence with the divine activity of God. One example is child bearing.
A man and woman joined in blessed marriage become "one flesh" out of which a
new person is created (Morelli 2008 a,b).
This example of creative love continues after the birth of the child. The parents
are commissioned to bring the child into "Godliness" as the prayers of the
marriage service exhort. This should also extend from the family the domestic
church to all people to whom they come in contact, thereby fulfilling the
commandment of Christ that we should love our neighbor as ourselves. This is
accomplished through kenosis (self-sacrifice, emptying oneself) for the good
and welfare of others.
Prayer
Another primary element is prayer. "Prayer is by nature a dialog and a union of
man with GodIts effect is to hold the whole world together." Our Lord and
Savior Jesus Christ taught us to pray. He told his disciples, "Our Father, who art
in heaven" Jesus also told his disciples that, "Whatever you ask in my name, I
will do it, that the Father may be glorified in the Son" (John 14:13).
Prayer is a critical block in the foundation of the domestic church. Reflect on the
words of Christ: Every one then who hears these words of mine and does them
will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock" (Matthew 7:24).
Prayer holds a family together. Prayer unifies people with God.
A daily cycle of prayers can be performed including morning prayer, mealtime
prayers, evening prayer, reading of the epistle and gospel of the day, as well as
spiritual reading. Of course, all these practices are the "overflow" of sharing in
the Eucharistic banquet on Sunday and Feast Days of the local parish. They
have their origin to early Christian practice, "they devoted themselves to the
breaking of breadand they sold their possessions and goods and distributed
them to all, as any had need" (Acts 2: 42,45).
Work
Work too is an indispensable to creating the domestic church. We at least know
about two works of the Holy Trinity. One is the active relationship of love that
the three Persons of the Holy Trinity have among themselves. Another is the
115
individual work of each Person of the Trinity what we call in theological terms
the Divine Economy.
For example, the Father creates and upholds the creation. The work of the Son
is to mediate the Father to the believer, and the believer to the Father a work
accomplished through His divine incarnation. He reveals the Father during his
sojourn on earth where he worked as a carpenter in Nazareth (c.f. Matthew
13:55), preaching in the synagogues and countryside (c.f. Luke 4: 14-15), and
finally through his passion, crucifixion, and resurrection. The work of the Holy
Spirit is to rest on the Son, "For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to
dwell" (Colossians 1: 19).
The domestic church also must be engaged in work. The work of running a
household the cooking, cleaning, study, employment, etc. must in some
measure emulate the work of the Holy Trinity, which means it must be done in
love. But love flows forth only where God is, and one must pray to come into the
presence of God.
Here too St. John offered invaluable practical counsel, "Pray in all simplicity.
The publican and the prodigal son were reconciled to God by a single
utteranceheartfelt thanksgiving should have first place in our book of prayer."
Silence
Silence is considered a jewel of the spiritual life but one difficult to achieve in
the domestic church often because of the press of schedules and responsibilities.
Nevertheless silence must be cultivated. St. John taught that, "The lover of
silence draws close to God. He talks to him in secret and God enlightens him."
The good saint links lack of silence to vainglory and passing judgment on others.
We measure people and events from our own prideful viewpoint instead of
listening to God who told us: "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the
judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be
the measure you get" (Matthew 7: 1-2). By holding our tongues, we can listen to
what God tells us. So how do we achieve silence in our world of sensory overload
and the unrelenting demands on our time? When I counsel families I frequently
tell them they must start making recreation a priority. They often respond with
a quizzical stare. Not until I explain what recreation is for do they begin to
comprehend why recreation is necessary.
Look at the word, I tell them. The term "recreation" means to "re-create" to
make new. Parents in particular must renew their relationship in order for the
family to be healthy. Think of the flight attendant when she gives the safety
instructions to the passengers. "Parents traveling with young children should
put on their masks before putting on their child's." Why? Because if the parent
is not healthy, the child cannot be cared for. We all need re-creation. We all
need time out from the outer and inner distractions. I instruct family members
to "set time each day to be in silence. Say a simple prayer, become aware of the
presence of God, and let go of even this and stare off as if focusing on nothing
around you." These practices are favored by monastics and others schooled in
116
the discipline of silence. I have discovered that these simple instructions are
sufficient for the blessed members of the domestic church in today's society.
St Isaac the Syrian wrote, " there is no end to wisdom's journey. Wisdom
ascends even till this: until she unites with God him who follows after her. And
this is the sight that the insights of wisdom have no limit: that wisdom is God
himself." (Alfeyev, 2000) St. Peter taught, "Let not yours be the outward
adorning but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable
jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" (1 Peter
3:3-4).
Hospitality
At first it might seem strange to consider hospitality a step in the Divine Ascent.
Remember however, the example of Abraham. Genesis recounts the visit of the
Lord to Abraham and the hospitality accorded to the visitors: "And the Lord
appeared to him by the oaks of Mamre, as he sat at the door of his tent in the
heat of the day. He lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, three men stood in
front of him. When he saw them, he ran from the tent door to meet them, and
bowed himself to the earth, and said, "My lord, if I have found favor in your
sight, do not pass by your servant" (Genesis 18: 133). In Orthodox
iconography this is depicted as the "Hospitality of Abraham."
This sharing comes from the sharing that God shows us. God shared his only
begotten Son with us, "Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did
not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking
the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men" (Philipians 2: 5-7). Is it
surprising then St. Paul would instructed us to, "Welcome one another,
therefore, as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God" (Romans 15:7).
St. John of the Ladder affirmed the directive "When people visit you, offer them
what they need for body and spirit. If they happen to be wiser than we are, then
let our own silence reveal our wisdom." St. Paul told the Ephesians be
hospitable "with all lowliness and meekness, with patience, forbearing one
another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace"
(Ephesians 4: 2-3).
In this spirit St. John reminded his readers that when serving others be sure to
avoid self-centeredness as "vainglory induces pride." With this in mind we the
little church in the home can exercise hospitality, giving to others motivated
by the love of Christ. Family members can keep in mind St. Paul's words, "What
have you that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if
it were not a gift" (1 Corinthians 4:7)?
In hospitality, let not the poor be forgotten. Our Lord told us: "But when you
give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be
blessed, because they cannot repay you" (Luke 14: 13-14). How we can
accomplish this can be the subject of a family spiritual discussion and project.
117
For example, several years ago during Thanksgiving season I was completing a
family counseling session and asked, "How are you going to spend
Thanksgiving? With other members of your family"? "Oh no", they answered.
"We go to our local soup kitchen and cook and serve the homeless."
Here in San Diego, I know of families that show the same hospitality serving the
Project Mexico mission that helps the poorest of the poor. Such is the hospitality
of God. "He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives him
who sent me" (Matthew 10: 40).
God the Source of Marital Grace

In its Divine Ascent all the members of the domestic church can meditate on the
words of Isaiah the Prophet: "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit,
who leads you in the way you should go" (Isaiah 48:17). The family has to be the
source of "newness of life" in Christ, and not conformed to the world. Once
again the teaching of St. Paul, "Do not be conformed to this world but be
transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of
God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:12).
This commitment to have an Orthodox Christian household is enlivened by the
grace of baptism. As we joyfully sing in the Paschal Season: "For as many of you
as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ" (Gal 3: 27). As is read in the
epistle of the Orthodox Marriage Service: "For this reason a man shall leave his
father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the
church". (Eph 5: 31-32). A blessed marriage is also enlivened by a special grace
prayed for in the marital service: that "Thou [God] be present here [in the
marriage] with Thine invisible protection."
The Parish Church: The Channel of Sanctification, the

Ladder to Salvation
The family as the domestic church cannot foreclose on its obligation to be
Christ-centered. Parents cannot assign their obligation to others, be it the parish
priest, teachers, or youth workers. Christ must be present in the home from
marriage, conception, birth, growth, until all fall sleep unto the Lord in the hope
of eternal salvation.
Furthermore, the family cannot be Christ-centered unless it is also actively
connected to the local parish community. Christ meets us in the Church. He
feeds us with His heavenly and immortal Mysteries so that our paths may be
straight, our lives guarded, and our steps firm[ii] in all we do especially in the
domestic church.
Father, I desire that they also, whom thou hast given me, may be with me
where I am, to behold my glory which thou hast given me in thy love for me
before the foundation of the world (John 17: 24).
REFERENCES
118
Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion. (2000). The Spiritual World of Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo,
MI: Cistercian Publications.
Morelli, G. (2005, September, 22). What Do You Know: The Score Or The Saint?
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliScore.php.
Morelli, G. (2008a, July, 8). Good Marriage XIII: The Theology of Marriage and
Sexuality.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-Smart%20MarriageXIII-The-Theology-of-Marriage-and-Sexuality.php.
Morelli, G. (2008b, September, 16). Smart Parenting XIV: Talking to Children about
Same-Sex
Marriage.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-SmartParenting-XIV-Talking-To-Children-About-Same-Sex-Marriage.php.
Paulist Press.
Zizioulas, J.D. (2001). Eucharist, Bishop, Church: The Unity of the Church in the
Divine Eucharist and the Bishop During the First Three Centuries. Brookline, MA:
Holy Cross Press.
NOTES
[i] All quotes from St. John Chrysostom writings were downloaded from:
http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf109.v.iv.html.
[ii] Adapted from the Prayer of Thanksgiving from the Divine Liturgy of St. John
Chrysostom.
XIX. Overcoming The Coercion Perception Stumbling Block
There is a popular adage that many are quite familiar with: Dont cut off your
nose to spite your face. Just such a proverb exists as a stumbling block for many
in troubled marriages. In disrupting marriage it is called coercion perception.
The basic idea a husband or wife has which engenders the coercion perception
stumbling block is the belief, attitude or cognition that if my spouse persistently
insists or even recommends that I do something and I do it, this indicates that
they are in command and control and I have lost out. If I should capitulate to
my spouses wishes this means I am worthless in some way. The only way to
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maintain my self-esteem and sense of self is to never do anything anyone tells

me to do, that is to say, to do only what I have decided to do entirely on my own.
Spiritually, this stonewalling of suggestions from ones spouse even when they
could be helpful is succumbing to the passion of pride. St. Maximus the
Confessor tells us: The passion of pride arises from two kinds of ignorance, and
when these two kinds of ignorance unite together they form a single confused
state of mind. For a man is proud only if he is ignorant both of divine help and
of human weakness. Therefore pride is a lack of knowledge both in the divine
and human spheres. For the denial of two true premises results in a single false
affirmation (Philokalia II).
Instead of intelligently judging the content of a recommendation or suggestion
made by a spouse on its own merits, they react by being oppositional. They
frequently focus on what they consider the audacity of their loved one telling
them what to do. Admittedly, the other spouse may not always communicate
suggestions or recommendations in a respectful manner. Sometimes the tone of
the suggestion is authoritarian or bossy. One spouse may even communicate
what they want of the other as a command. Frequently this shifts the attention
of the listener from the content of what is being said to the tone of voice, the
pragmatics of the language that is being spoken (Morelli, 2006c). In this case,
the spouse receiving the suggestion should act in an assertive manner (Morelli,
2006c,d) and inform their mate that they do not want to be talked to in
command mode in such a tone of voice. i
A Non-Marital Clinical Example

Several years ago I had a new patient come to my office. I greeted him in a
pleasant tone and said in a welcoming tone, gesturing toward a couch in the
office: Have a seat. He looked up at me and remained standing as I took my
seat across from where he would have sat down. The first few minutes of the
initial interview took place with me seated and Jack walking back and forth in
front of me. Without getting into the issue of body language, a person standing
over (a position of power) looking down at someone seated (a position of
weakness), I continued the interview.
At one point the patient indicated he was tired after a long day at work. A
technique I use when I want to bring up something to a person I am talking to
which they might find offensive is to ask their permission. My query went
something like this: Jack, I would like to ask you something; I do not want to
offend you; I want to ask you a question that may help you, may I ask the
question? After a moments hesitation Jack gave his consent. Then I went on:
Jack, you just told me you were tired after a long day of work. When you came
in I nicely invited you to sit down. You did not take my offer and kept standing.
Could you explain this to me? Jack said: No one tells me what to do.
I responded, Jack, it sounds to me that you are telling me you want to be
Master of your own ship, so to speak, in other words, in control. He said,
Yes. I went on: Before I gestured you to sit down, did you want to sit? Again
he said, Yes. Then I responded, how then are you the Master of your own
ship? You let me control you. Instead of doing what you really wanted to do,
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because I offered you a seat you acted opposite to what you genuinely wanted to
do. So, actually, I have learned to control you. All I have to do is to suggest to
you to do something you would have done on your own and I can make you do
the opposite. If you really were the Master of your own ship, you would say to
yourself, I dont care what Fr. George asked me to do or if he thinks he is
controlling me, if I want to sit down I will, furthermore, the only thing that is
important is that I know the real reason I sat down was because I actually
wanted to, not because Fr. George told me. Jack got it. He sat down.
Godly Self-Esteem
In a previous paper (Morelli, 2006a) I pointed out:
For many Orthodox Christians the term "self-esteem" sounds like a four-letter
word. One reason is that various academic disciplines use the term in different
ways. In psychiatry and psychology in particular, the term is used in two
contexts.
The first defines "self-esteem" as a mental disorder (as in the personality
disorder of narcissism). The Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders, IV-TR
(American Psychiatric Association (2000) describes self-esteem as "a pervasive
pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. . ." The
second, used mostly by developmental psychologists, defines self-esteem "as
being true to [the] real self" (Cole and Cole 1996, The Development of Children).
Educators acknowledge and distinguish these different definitions (Katz &
Chard, 1989). Cognitive-behavioral psychologists, for example, recommend that
parents, when dealing with their children, should praise or critique behavior,
and not the child. Parents should say things like, "Good job," not "You are such
a good boy or girl." (Morelli, 2001, 2004) This focuses the child on the action
they have performed and not on themselves.ii
When the word self-esteem is found in English language translations of the
works of the holy Fathers of the Church such as in the Philokalia series, it can be
seen that it actually refers to what is understood as narcissism. On the other
hand, Godly "self-esteem" means a true and honest appraisal of both one's
strengths and weaknesses. We see here an inversion of meaning where good
self-esteem is close to the patristic definition of humility. St. Peter of Damaskos
taught that, " the signs of humility: when one possessing every virtue of body
and soul, to consider oneself to be the more a debtor to God ... because one has
received so much by grace" (Philokalia III). Centuries earlier St. Isaac the Syrian
wrote: "The person who has attained to knowledge of his own weakness has
reached the summit of humility" (Brock, 1997).
Cognitive Therapy an Adjunct to Humility

In the Cognitive-Behavioral model, distorted cognitions can initiate and sustain
dysfunctional emotions and behaviors (Ellis, 1962; Beck, 1967; Morelli,
2006b,c,d). In the case of what is perceived as coercive communication by ones
spouse, a pre-activated or hypervalent appraisal mode iii of perceiving that one
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was being significantly intruded on would trigger the dysfunctional emotion of

anger and the ensuing oppositional behavior in the partner being told what to
do (Morelli, 2009).
This appraisal mode combined with the cognitive distortions, sustain, the
coercive marital stumbling block. Some cognitive distortions particularly
relevant to the initiating and sustaining of a coercive response are:
Selective Abstraction: focusing on one event while excluding others.

Ruminating about the perceived coercive communication. Example:
saying over and over: My wife is telling me how to dress.
Arbitrary Inference: drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in
an ambiguous situation. Example: My husband is trying to control me.
Polarization: perceiving or interpreting events in all-or-nothing terms.
Example: All she does is try to run my life, this is the sum total of my
marriage.
Generalization: the tendency to see things in always-or-never categories.
Example: My husband will never stop trying to manage my life.
Demanding Expectations: beliefs that there are laws or rules that have to
be obeyed. Example: No one can tell me what to do, only I can command
myself.
Catastrophizing: the perception that something is more than 100% bad,
terrible or awful. Example: It is terrible when my husband tells me what
to eat; Ill show him; Ill eat as much as I want.
Emotional Reasoning: the judgment that one's feelings are facts.
Example: I feel my wife doesnt respect me, so I know its true.
Declaration of Psychological Independence

Challenging these interpretations by inquiring what they are based on, and
finding alternative interpretations is critical in overcoming them. The bottom
line is to declare psychological independence: I will do things because I make
the choice to do them, not because someone, in this case my husband or wife,
tells me or does not tell me. If it is good for me then I will do it. My choice is
independent of anyone elses perception. Just because someone thinks they are
controlling me doesnt mean they are. God and I know the truth. I will consider
what others say, but what they say will not be the basis of what I do or do not
do. Interactions between husband and wife will no longer be perceived as a
battle of wills which someone has to win. The husband or wife will consider
each encounter they have with one another based on its own merits.
What I Do Will be Godly and Based on my God-Given Free

Will
Those committed to Christ will want to make Godly choices, not because they
are coerced, but out of the free will given to them by God when He made them in
His image. They will freely choose to follow the wisdom of Solomon told them in
the book of Proverbs: My son, if you will receive my words and treasure my
commandments within you, make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your
heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, Lift your voice for
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understanding; If you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden
treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord and discover the knowledge
of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and
understanding. (Pv 2: 1-6).
I Will Freely Choose Not to be a A Slave to Sin

St. John (8: 31-32, 34-36) records the words of Jesus: So Jesus was saying to
those Jews who had believed Him, If you continue in My word, then you are
truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you
free Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The
slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. So if
the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.
In the words of St. Isaac the Syrian: The mind that has discovered wisdom is
like a person who has found, in the midst of the sea, a well-equipped boat: when
he gets aboard it, it conveys him from the sea of this world and brings him to the
isle of the world to come. (Brock, 1997).
REFERENCES
American Heritage Dictionary. (3rd ed.). (1994). Boston: Houghton Mifflin
American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of
mental disorders (DSM-IV-TR). Washington, DC: author.
Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. The Guilford Press: New
York.
Brock, S. (1997). (Trans.). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford,
England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation.
Cole, M., & Cole, S.R. (1996). The Development of Children. (3rd ed.). New York"
Freeman
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus NJ: Lyle Stuart.
Katz, L.G. & Chard, S.C. (1989). Engaging Children's Minds: The Project Approach.
Norwood, NJ: Ablex
Morelli, G. (2001). Response to Faros In J. Chirban (Ed), Sickness or Sin?: Spiritual
Discernment and Differential Diagnosis. Brookline, MA: Holy Cross Orthodox Press.
Morelli, G. (2004). Christian asceticism and cognitive behavioral psychology. In S.
Muse (Ed.), Raising Lazarus: Integrating Healing in Orthodox Christianity.
Brookline, MA: Holy Cross Orthodox Press.
www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php.
123
Morelli, G. (2006c, March 10). Sinners in the Hands of an Angry or Gentle God?
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliHumility.php.
Morelli, G. (2006d, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
Charity.
Morelli, G. (2009, October 24). Overcoming Anxiety: Christ, The Church Fathers and
Cognitive
Scientific
Psychology.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles2009/Morelli-Overcoming-Anxiety-Christ-The-Church-Fathers-And-CognitiveScientific-Psychology.php.
Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1994). Orthodox Psychotherapy: The Science of the
Fathers. Levadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.
NOTES
Assertiveness is defined as an honest and true communication in a socially acceptable
manner. For the Orthodox Christian, this also means communication in a Godly
manner. A little trick: A particular technique I have found very effective when others
start to raise their voice in telling me something is to match their loud voice with an
even lower voice response on my part. This never fails to get their attention. Because
of the tonal contrast, it captures the others attention and it actually becomes a more
powerful communication on my part.
[ii] The roots of faulty self-esteem (narcissism) start in childhood with faulty
parenting. Parents often make "statements of "being" in rewarding and/or punishing
their children. "You are a good or bad boy [or girl]" . . . is a statement of being. The
child attributes what they have done or failed to do to "themselves. They begin to
develop concepts that they themselves are inherently "good" or "bad" and thus worthy
of adulation (or even glory) or damnation. Parents should focus and evaluate the
actions of their children: "That was a correct (or incorrect) answer." Parents should
always respond to their children in this latter way.
[iii] An analogy may help the reader to understand pre-activation or hypervalence.
Think of a light that is on a dimmer switch. Under normal, non pre-activating or
hypervalent conditions the switch is completely off. To turn the light on to full
brightness, the knob has to be turned from completely off to full on, possibly a 180
half turn. If the light were on dimly (analogous to pre-activation or hypervalent) a
90 quarter turn would only be needed to full brightness. Persons with pre-activated
anxiety, depression or anger carry around with them a semi-lit (so to speak)
semantic-imagery network to interpret events that occur by the particular cognitive
set that is always
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XX. Avoiding the Ultimatum Manipulation

Grant that this Thy handmaid may, in all things, be pleasing to her husband;
and that this Thy servant may love and cherish his wife; that they may live
according to Thy Will (from the Marriage Service Prayers of the Orthodox
Church).
The ideal of Christian marriage is well known: that they may abound in every
work that is good and acceptable unto thee.i A marriage that is blessed by God
is one that interiorizes the Love the Persons of the Holy Trinity have for each
other, as well as the Love they have for their creation. Thus a husband and wifes
relationship will manifest Christs instruction to his Apostles: A new
commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved
you, that you also love one another. (Jn 13: 34). It will also demonstrate the
words of the Father, said of our ancestral parents, . . . male and female he
created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and
multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it... (Gen 1: 27-28). In other words, they
will produce, and will love their offspring in emulation of the creative loving act
of God Himself. (Morelli, 2008). At times, faulty cognitions and the ensuing
dysfunctional and behavioral barriers get in the way of actualizing Divinely
enlivened spousal love. Ultimatum is one such roadblock.
The Ultimatum Cognitive Set

The Cognitive-Behavioral Clinical Model (Beck, 1976; Beck, Rush, Shaw &
Emery, 1979; Burns, 1980 Ellis, 1962; Morelli, 2006b,c) provides insight into
understanding ultimatum. According to this model, dysfunctional emotions
such as anger, anxiety and depression are produced by distorted or irrational
beliefs, attitudes, and cognitions. Situations (some event that has happened or
something that someone has said or done) do not produce or cause emotional
upset. Instead, we upset ourselves by our irrational interpretations of such
events or situations. Ultimatums are the result of the dysfunctional cognition
known as Demanding Expectations: Beliefs that there are laws or rules that
must be always obeyed. Kim views her husbands refusals to do her will as
making him impossible to reason with. She irrationally believes that there is a
universal law that her husband, and or children, should always do what she tells
them to do. And they better come through with a big proof that they
appreciate her. If they don't comply with her ultimatum, she considers that she
has the right to get very upset.
The basic cognitive interpretation bringing about ultimatum is that when ones
spouse or child is not saying or doing what the spouse or parents think should
be done, they have the right to get angry and set the conditions which they think
will regain family harmony. They feel self-justified in their attitudes. This
frequently occurs after a person has invested time and energy trying to explain
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their view or getting others to say and do what they want. They may also feel
they have the right to disengage, rebuff, snub, or in other ways to show a cold
shoulder to the noncompliant spouse or offspring. They desperately want to
show the other how unfair or ridiculous their actions are; and how right they
themselves are. They feel that to do otherwise would be to acquiesce to the
power of others over them. Ultimatum communicates that the others do not
have the right to take advantage of them. On the other hand, the unyielding
partner is labeled as inflexible or the child as stubborn. Setting ultimatums, by
self-assured, peremptory declarative tone of voice and by assumption of
unwarranted power, becomes a way of manipulating others to get ones own
way.
A Psychospiritual Caveat
Avoiding the ultimatum manipulation does not apply in situations involving
serious, ongoing and intractable moral issues or behavior patterns that are a
clear and present danger to a spouse and/or family members. For example, in
situations in which a spouse is living, and is committed to live, a polygamousadulterous lifestyle (e.g., an open marriage), or in which a spouse who commits
physical, sexual and/or psychological abuse as defined by law and does not
commit to seeking immediate treatment; in such situations the spouses would
be candidates to be given an ultimatum: begin immediate treatment or
separation and, if appropriate, that legal action will be taken.
Moral lapses (such as adultery and substance abuse, etc.) require guidance and
discernment. Such moral lapses do not have to result in termination of a
marriage. Husbands and wives can learn from their failures and can even make
their relationships stronger. They can work at demonstrating their recommitment to one another. One way of accomplishing this would be for the
spouse who was unfaithful to be completely open about the details of their daily
lives and, in turn, for the aggrieved spouse to work at developing trust. (Beck,
1988). In as much as determining the objective severity of moral issues is not as
clear cut as criminal abuse, guidance is necessary. This is especially true given
the tendency to employ cognitive distortions and the ensuing emotional overreactivity (Morelli, 2006a,b,c,d,e) In a previous essay I described the use of the
Preference Scale and the Mental Ruler technique, (Morelli, 2007c,d). These
tools, with the guidance of a scientifically trained licensed mental health
practitioner and a spiritual father/mother, should be used to discern the
appropriate action.
The Consequences of Ultimatum

Beck (1988) considers ultimatums a defeatist belief, because they frequently
aggravate situations that are already tense and thereby undermine constructive
understanding, dialogue and opportunity for individuals to make decisions on
their own. Similar to the effects of nagging which I have described as an extreme
marriage overcontrol (Morelli, 2007b), use of ultimatums is usually
associated with anger. (Morelli, 2005) Individuals who employ ultimatums in
their relationships with others are usually blind to the effects of their
manipulation attempts. A person being given an ultimatum often feels
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controlled and resists the magisterial imperatives. The manipulated individual

feels they are being treated in a bossy, autocratic, high and mighty and
magisterial manner. In order to maintain a sense of healthy self-worth (Morelli,
2006a) they feel they have to resist. They view the ultimatums as symbols of a
power struggle between a greater power and themselves. They feel a loss of
freedom and a sense of being boxed in. Healthy self-esteem is lost. Ultimatums
reduce family concord, and are, at the very least, communication errors
(Morelli, 2006b).
Cognitive-emotive-behavioral Intervention
Treatment entails actively disputing and challenging the irrational attitude: that
it is catastrophic if people and events are not the way they want them to be
(Ellis, 1962). To restructure irrational cognitions into rational cognitions, the
individuals issuing ultimatums might ask themselves: what law in the universe
states that others will respond to their peremptory demands? Careful reflection
will reveal that no such law existsit is a self-made law. Some may try to
justify their demanding expectations because they perceive that they are entitled
to hold them because of some title ii they have. But applying the same question to
entitlement will reveal that there is no law in the universe that says people will
comply with the title-holder because of their title (Morelli, 2007a).
Actually, in such situations, the entitler now has two problems; first, their
ultimatums are not being complied with, and second, a problem of their own
making, their holding on to their irrational self-imposed law that others
should comply because of some title they hold, be it mother or father, elder
sibling or some such. In successful cognitive restructuring , undemanding
preferences replace demanding expectations. This restructuring will result in
stable functional emotions, and when necessary this process can be used for
efficacious programs to aid in modifying the behavior of others if it departs from
socially or Christ-like appropriateness (Morelli, 2006d). Successful
restructuring would also eliminate idiosyncratic, egoistic, autocratically
imposed ultimatums.
The Ultimatum Spiritual Set: Pride

St. John of the Ladder (Climacus) (1991) tells us: Pride is denial of God, an
invention of the devil, the despising of men... He goes on to detail the
application of pride when dealing with others, such as in making ultimatums.
The consummation of vainglory is the beginning of pride; the middle is the
humiliation of our neighbor [as used in this essay: spouse-children], . . . the
extolling of ones own exertions, fiendish character. What better spiritual
description of the person who uses ultimatum in manipulation of others, which
I described previously as magisterial, than St. Johns observation that An
arrogant man yearns after authority.
The Spiritual Intervention: Humility

St. John goes on to explain that the healing of pride is humility. If you keep up
a sincere condemnation of yourself before the Lord, you can count us as weak as
127
a cobweb. In this regard it would do well to recount the wisdom of St. Pauls
understanding of how we can become blinded by our own misguided principles:
And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is
not strange if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness.
Their end will correspond to their deeds (2 Cor 11:14-15).
St Isaac of Syria speaks of humility as . . . the raiment of the Godhead. The
Word who became human clothed Himself in it... Everyone who has been
clothed with humility has been made like unto Him who came down from His
own exaltedness and hid the splendor of His majesty and concealed His glory
with humility... Archbishop Hilarion Alfeyev (2000) informs us how we can put
this into practice, that is to say, the way to attain it: Humility is primarily an
inner quality. It consists in trust in God, absence of hope in ones self, the sense
of ones own unworthiness and defenselessness . . .in the depths of the heart . . .
it [also] reveals itself outwardly . . .in giving honor to others [and] enduring
offenses and afflictions. For those who issue ultimatums to their loved ones,
interiorizing humility into their hearts and then practicing humility in their
thoughts, words and deeds toward others would be a powerful spiritual
treatment.
To acquire the humility needed to spiritually heal prides offspring, ultimatum,
we must pray constantly (1Th 5:17); in the words of St Dorotheos of Gaza
(Wheeler, 1977): to pray all the time is clearly the antidote to [all] pride . . .,
and be united with the Church through her Holy Mysteries, especially Holy
Confession with its frequent examination of conscience, and the reception of the
Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ at the Divine Liturgy.
I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is
that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing (Jn 15:5).
REFERENCES
Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian.
Beck, A., (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York:
Beck, A., Rush, A., Shaw, B. & Emery, G. (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. New
York: Guilford.
Burns, D. (1980). Feeling Good. New York: William Morrow.
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. New York: Lyle Stuart.
Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and Human Growth. NY: W. W. Norton.
Morelli,
G.
(2005,
October
14).
The
Beast
of
Anger.
128
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-self-esteem-from-through-andtoward-christ.
Morelli, G. (2006b, January 27). Understanding Brokenness in Marriage.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-understanding-brokenness-inmarriage.
Morelli, G. (2006c, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-asceticism-and-psychology-in-themodern-world.
Morelli, G. (2006d, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional Control.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parenting-III-developing-emotionalcontrol.
Morelli, G. (2006e, May 08). Orthodoxy and the Science of Psychology.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-orthodoxy-and-the-science-ofpsychology.
Morelli, G. (2007a, March 15). Good Marriage: How An Attitude of Entitlement
Undermines Marriage. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/good-marriage-Ihow-an-attitude-of-entitlement-undermines-marriage.
Morelli, G. (2007b, May 15), Good Marriage III. Nagging: The Ultimate Marriage
Over-Control. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/good-marriage-III-naggingthe-ultimate-marital-over-control.
Morelli, G. (2007c, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A Tool for
Communication,
Negotiation
and
Collaboration.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/good-marriage-iv-the-preference-scale.
Morelli, G. (2007d, September 20). Good Marriage X: Perfectionism.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/good-marriage-x-perfectionism.
Morelli, G. (2008, July 6). Good Marriage XIII: The Theology of Marriage and
Sexuality. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/good-marriage-xiii-the-theologyof-marriage-and-sexuality.
St. John Climacus, (1991). The Ladder of Divine Ascent. Boston, MA: Holy
Transfiguration Monastery.
Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings.
NOTES
From the Marriage Service Prayers of the Orthodox Church, Antiochian Orthodox
Catholic Christian Archdiocese of North America.
i
Many words, in this case words indicating title, have what psychologists call surplus
meaning. In the case of titles, these are assumptions based on what they are entitled to
on the basis of the title itself: If you are a husband, your wife should . . . ; If you are a
mother your child should . . . ; If you are a priest your parishioners should. . . ; If
ii
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you are a bishop your priests should . . . ; and if not you have the right to get upset,
angry, retaliate, get vengeance, etc. This is an example of the application of shoulds as a
despotic actfor which psychologist Horney (1950) coined the term tyranny of the
shoulds. This is also discussed extensively by Ellis, (1962).
XXI. Forfending Disclosure Demand and Disclosure Phobia
Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes,
who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the
purposes of the heart. Then every man will receive his commendation from
God. (1 Corinthians 4:5)
Even a casual reading of Jesus encounters with others in the Scriptures shows
that He did not demand anyone disclose their thoughts and feelings to Him. We
could say that He had respect for mankind's free will, for those creatures which
He made in His image and called to be like Him. He would ask a question, but
never demand an answer. He counseled, but never forced compliance. He read
the hearts and minds of many, but never coerced anyone to tell Him what came
from their heart, against their will.
Consider the record of Jesus encounter with the rich young man told to us by
St. Matthew (19: 16-22):
And behold, one came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do, to
have eternal life?" And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good?
One there is who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He
said to him, "Which?" And Jesus said, "You shall not kill, You shall not commit
adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father
and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said
to him, "All these I have observed; what do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If
you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will
have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this
he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions.
What is remarkable about this is that it is a respectful dialogue, even after the
young man rejects Our Lord's counsel. Our Lord simply goes on to point out in
response to His disciples question: ""Who then can be saved?" But Jesus looked
at them and said to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things
are possible."" (Mt 19: 25-36).
The gentleness, non-demandingness, and non-confrontationalness of Jesus with
the woman caught in adultery is singular. From the account of St. John (8 1-11)
she is no doubt guilty, but Jesus makes her disclose nothing of her transgression
and infirmity, rather he confronts those who would condemn her:
But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to
the temple; all the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The
scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery,
and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been
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caught in the act of adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone
such. What do you say about her?" This they said to test him, that they might
have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his
finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to
them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at
her." And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But
when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and
Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus looked up and
said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said,
"No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin
again.
As St. John (4: 17-19) tells us, when the Samaritan woman spontaneously
discloses her marital state Jesus simply responds: "You are right in saying, `I
have no husband'; for you have had five husbands, and he whom you now have
is not your husband; this you said truly." The woman said to him, "Sir, I
perceive that you are a prophet."
Marital Disclosure Demand
Compare the words and actions of Jesus to the dysfunctional demands some
marital couples in troubled relationships make on each other. A husband or wife
could hold to the attitude, If my spouse truly loves me, they would be willing to
talk about most anything that bothers them." Or think over this non-adaptive
belief: "If my husband, or wife, refuses to tell me what they are really feeling and
thinking it shows they don't love and respect me." In many troubled marriages
this attitudes is in the back of the mind of either (or both) husband and wife.
It should be pointed out that disclosure itself is not the problem. In fact, under
appropriate circumstances which I will discuss later, disclosure can be both
psychologically and spiritually advantageous. The problem is the 'demand' that
disclosure should occur and the conclusion that if it does not occur this is
deleterious to the Godly blessed relationship of union of man and wife.
If a husband or wife does not communicate spontaneously and completely with
the spouse wanting disclosure, and the latter comes to the conclusion that this
means that they are personally deficient in some way and/or that the marriage
is defective, the cognitive distortions leading to such perceptions are:
Arbitrary Inference: drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in

an ambiguous situation. Lack of disclosure is perceived as a sign of
marital defect.
Personalization: blaming oneself for an event one is not responsible for.

An individual perceives himself/herself as inferior or substandard and/or
worthy of blame because their spouse will not communicate with them.
Catastrophizing: the perception that something is more than 100% bad,

terrible or awful. Non-Disclosure is 'more than' or 'nearly' the worst
possible thing that can occur in a marriage.
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Emotional Reasoning: the judgment that one's feelings are facts. The
aggrieved spouse 'feels' that spontaneous disclosure should be part of any
good marriage.
Demanding Expectations: beliefs that there are laws or rules that have to
be obeyed. Example: Communication is not just a goal to work toward,
that is to say a preference, but communication is demanded; it is a 'must,
should, ought,' in a marriage.
The cognitive distortion challenging questions

Three questions are useful in challenging the cognitive distortions leading to
disclosure demand.
Where is the evidence?

Is their any other way of looking at it?
Is it as bad as it seems?
By answering these questions the demanding spouse may find the previous
interpretations to be unrealistic. They may come to see that people differ in the
comfort level of what they reveal about their thoughts, feelings and actions.
There are any number of reasons for such individual differences. Some of these
reasons may be realistic or may be due to the emotional state of the individual.
Some variables accounting for these individual differences in communication
are, anger, anxiety, cultural differences (McGoldrick, Giordano & Pearce, 1996;
Morelli, 2009a), feeling they will be evaluated and judged as foolish or
shameful, as well as personality variables (Tellegen et. al 1988). As discussed in
Morelli (2006, 2007 2009b), when individuals feel pressured, they often resist
in order to maintain a sense of healthy self-esteem and self-control.
A Spiritual Father exemplifies Patience on Disclosure
There is a beautiful story told to us by St. John Cassian (Philokalia I) about the
patience, that is to say the non-demandingness, of disclosure of the Spiritual
Father of Abba Serapion. When the Abba was a young monk he would steal
some extra food from the refectory table. He never disclosed this failure to his
spiritual father, but more importantly, his Spiritual Father never confronted the
young Abba and demanded disclosure of his stealing. However, the Elder
communicated the importance of disclosure in a non-confrontational manner by
allowing Abba Serapion to hear his conversation with some other monks. St.
John recounts: "But through God's love it happened that certain brethren came
to the old man for advice and asked him about their thoughts. The elder replied
that nothing so harms a monk and brings such joy to the demons as the hiding
of one's thoughts from one's spiritual father. . . .As this was being said I came to
myself. . . casting myself to the ground I begged his forgiveness for my past
faults and his prayers for my future safety." A few pearls of wisdom from St.
Dorotheos of Gaza (Wheeler, 1977) may summarize the spiritual principles that
can be applied to overcoming the obstacle to good marriage of demanding
disclosure: "Do not. . . be anxious about your own rights. . . make a point of
acquiring a peaceful state of soul. . . ." Here St. Dorotheos references Christ
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Himself: "Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and
lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Mt 11:29).
St. John of the Ladder (1991) gives us another insight into acquiring the
gentleness of Christ in relationships with others. "If you want, or rather intend,
to take a splinter out of another person [in this case demanding disclosure],
then do not hack at it with a stick instead of a lancet, for you will only drove it in
deeper. And this is a stick rude speech and rough gestures. And this is a lancet
tempered instructions and patient reprimand."
Overcoming Disclosure Phobia: Preferring Disclosure
Disclosure can be appropriate and useful. However, even in such situations the
value and decision to disclose must be perceived by the disclosing individual.
The spouse desiring such disclosure also has to overcome any disclosure
demandingness as discussed above, psychologically preferring disclosure and
spiritually celebrating their spouses free will. This has to be communicated in a
non-judgmental, inviting tone. Helping one's spouse in overcoming disclosure
phobia would be greatly enhanced by interiorizing the words of St. Paul. "Put on
then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness,
meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint
against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also
must forgive" (Colossians 3: 12-13). At times disclosure proceeds in small steps.
Consider the consequences for the good thief on his cross next to Christ. St.
Luke (23: 39-43) recounts: "One of the criminals [bad thief] who were hanged
railed at him, saying, "Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!" Jesus did
not reply. But the other rebuked him, and in doing so disclosed his
responsibility for the crimes he committed saying, "Do you not fear God, since
you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we
are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing
wrong." And he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."
And he said to him, "Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.""
The good disclosing thief was forgiven by Christ. Like Christ, the spouse desiring
disclosure must be receptive to their spouses disclosure.
Wisdom and Prudence in Disclosure
Reflect on the Holy Spirit-inspired wisdom of St. John of Gaza (c. 525 AD).
Chryssavgis 2003, records a question he entitles "On concealing truth
partially" posed to the saint: "If I do something against my brother and he
grieves upon hearing about it, is it perhaps a good thing to hide the truth from
him in order to stop the grief? Or is it better to admit my fault and ask
forgiveness?" The principles of St. John of Gaza's answer can be applied to a
wide variety of life circumstances. St. John responds:
If he has clearly learned about it, and you know that the matter will be examined
and revealed, then tell him the truth and ask for his forgiveness. For lying will
only further provoke him. However, if he has not learned about it and will not
examine the matter, then it is not improper to keep silent and not give occasion
to grief.
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For when the Prophet Samuel was sent to anoint David as king, he was also
going to offer sacrifice to God. Yet, because he was afraid lest Saul learn about
this, God said to him: "Take a heifer with you; and if the king asks you: 'Why did
you come here?' tell him:' I have come to sacrifice to the Lord'" (1Sam 16:2). In
this way, by concealing one thing, which brought the wrath of the king, he only
revealed the other.
You too, then, should be silent about that which causes grief, and the problem
will pass.
One common pastoral and clinical problem that arises is "should marital
infidelity be spontaneously disclosed to one's spouse?" Considering the very
serious and severe psychological, spiritual and legally deleterious consequences
of such disclosure (Blow, A.J, Hartnett, K. (2005), consultation with a highly
trained and licensed mental health practitioner-spiritual father should be
sought in resolving this problem.i
The benefits of disclosure
Even our Holy Church Fathers have noted the healing value in disclosure
(confession), and thus would promote overcoming any barriers to revealing
one's heart or overcoming disclosure phobia. St. Isaac the Syrian, (Wensinck,
1923) encapsulates the benefits of disclosure: "The sick one who is acquainted
with his sickness is easily cured; and he who confesses his pain is near to health.
Many are the pains of the hard heart...."
Irne Hausherr (1990) quotes an ancient Spiritual Father referred to simply as
an anonymous old man: "The more one hides one's thoughts, the more they
multiply and the stronger they become. As a serpent flees instantly as soon as it
has left its hole, so an evil thought dissipates as soon as it begins to be disclosed.
Like a worm in wood so a (hidden) evil thought devastates the heart. The person
who discloses his thoughts is soon healed. Whoever hides them makes himself
sick through pride."
Of course the purpose of disclosure for the monk was to subdue a self-will
separated from God's Will, to be obedient to their Spiritual Father as to God and
to achieve theosis, that is to say, becoming "partakers of the Divine Nature."
(2Pt 1:4). As St. John Chrysostom tells us, even those married are called upon to
this same goal of holiness. However, disclosure between spouses in a blessed
marriage, male and female of one flesh, has psycho-spiritual benefits.
Conflict attenuation
One benefit is that by sharing experiences, perceptions and feelings spouses can
come to know one another better and reduce conflict. Through shared
understanding of one another they may come to understand the viewpoint of the
other. Each individual sees the world from their own perspective and many
make the mistake of thinking others see the world the same way they do. In
actuality, people can view the same event in very different ways. A husband
trying to aid his wife to hang a picture, for example, might be viewed by him as a
'helping' act. She, on the other hand, may view his attempt to assist as an
134
intrusion on her autonomy and independence and a challenge to her

competence. Each disclosing their motives for feelings and actions may help in
alleviating any dysfunctional feelings such as anger or depression that may
ensue. This would give a chance for empathy, that is to say, thinking and feeling
what the other is thinking and feeling, to develop, and could prevent or assuage
ill feelings. Compassion for one another could develop. They could acknowledge
and appreciate each others motives and needs. While this is going on each
individual could come to accept themselves while simultaneously be able to see
their spouses viewpoint. A closer relationship and deeper bond could develop.
Catharsis
Over the years, pastorally and clinically, I have observed that when individuals
are upset about something, or about what someone around them has said or
done, I have recommended that they just inform the other person of their
unfavorable feelings about what the person said or did. At times the person
being counseled will object saying, "what is the difference, they will do what
they want to do anyhow." I point out, "this may be true, but try it out. Just
expressing how you feel, at least you know that you have done what you can. It
is now the other person's task or responsibility to respond." The overwhelming
number of individuals I have counseled to simply perform this communication
task, expecting nothing, experienced a calming effect on their own emotional
state. Just expressing displeasure has an ameliorative effect.
Interestingly, although not directly related to marital relationships,
psychologists have found improved emotional states among individuals who
have disclosed troubling events.
Disclosure and Health
One interesting line of research initiated in the mid 1980's has been conducted
by James Pennebaker (1997, 2004). Subjects were engaged over a several day
period in expressive writing exercises about traumatic or stressful incidents they
had experienced. In the prototypic experiment subjects wrote 20 minutes a day
over a four day period. The experimental group were instructed to write about
their "deepest thoughts and feelings concerning trauma;" the other group were
instructed to write about superficial topics. Pennebaker's team found increased
immune function in the experimental group (measuring blood T-lymphocytes
which produce bacteria and virus fighting antibodies). The experimental
subjects also had decreased visits to their local health care centers. Subsequent
research by Pennebaker and his team has studied disclosure among various
groups of subjects.
Spousal Disclosure
Pennebaker (1997) discusses spousal disclosure in terms of dealing with grief.
He notes that "grieving styles"iii differ between husbands and wives, and when
this takes place problems often arise. One "disclosing spouse may be inclined to
interpret the quiet spouse as uncaring or insensitive. On the other hand, the
withdrawn spouse may feel his/her partner does not understand their intense
emotions. This can be noted in the mindreading tendency in the Arbitrary
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Inference cognitive distortion noted above. The distortion challenging could be

employed in aiding understanding of each other, both to avoid demanding
disclosure and to facilitate willingness to share feelings.
Spouses in emulation of Christ
In emulation of Christ who respected the free will of His Human creatures, but
still so welcomed those who revealed their inner hearts to Him, so, too,
husbands and wives can work at interacting similarly with each other. In many
of my essays I have ended with a quote from Scripture or from one of our holy
Spiritual Church Fathers. In aiding spouses to forefend demanding disclosure
yet work toward spontaneous deep communication I will give a quote by a
contemporary psychologist commenting on his research findings:
"The more people prayed. . ..the healthier they were. Prayer, in fact worked
the same way as talking to friends. . . . It is so easy to see why this is true.
Prayer is a form of disclosure or confiding." (Pennebaker, 1997)
REFERENCES
Blow, A.J, Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive
review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Apr.
Chryssavgis, J. (2003). Letters from the desert: Barsanuphius and John: A selection of
questions and responses. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.
Hausherr, I. (1990). Spiritual direction in the early Christian East. Kalamazoo, MI:
Cistercian Publications.
McGoldrick, J. & Giordano, J., M., Pearce, (1996). Ethnicity and Family Therapy. 2nd
Edition. NY: Guilford.
Morelli, G. (2006, January 06). Self Esteem: From, Through, and Toward
Over-Control.
Morelli, G. (2009a, January 13). Suicide: Christ, His Church and Modern Medicine.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-suicide-christ-his-church-andmodern-medicine.
Morelli, G. (2009b, December 25). Good Marriage XIX. Overcoming The Coercion
Perception Stumbling Block. http://www.orthodoxytoday....
Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotion.
NY:Guilford Press.
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Pennebaker, J. W. (2004). Writing to heal: A guided journal for recovering from

trauma and emotional upheaval. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
St. John Climacus, (1991). The Ladder of Divine Ascent. Boston, MA: Holy
Transfiguration Monastery.
Tellegen, A. P., Lykken, D.T., Bouchard, T.J., Wilcox, K.L., Segal, N.L., & Rich, S.
(1988). Personality similarity in twins reared apart and together. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology., 54, 1031-1039).
Wensinck, A. J. (ed., trans.) (1923). Mystic Treatises by Isaac of Nineveh. Amsterdam,
Holland: Koninklijke Akademie Van Wetenschappen.
Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings.
ENDNOTES
i
Attention to Culture and Life Context:
"Any therapeutic intervention (and spiritual direction) must take into account the
family culture of the patient. It is far beyond the scope of this paper to go into the
particulars of each family culture. However, it is necessary to stress a point made in the
overview of an of important work: Ethnicity and Family Therapy by McGoldrick,
Giordano, & Garcia-Preto (2005). These researchers stated:
It is almost impossible to understand the meaning of behavior unless one knows
something of the cultural values of a family. Even the definition of family differs
greatly from group to group. The dominant American (Anglo) definition focuses on the
intact nuclear family, whereas for Italians there is no such thing as the nuclear family.
To them, family means a strong, tightly knit three or four-generational family, which
also includes godparents and old friends. African American families focus on an even
wider network of kin and community. Asian families include all ancestors, going all the
way back to the beginning of time, and all descendents, or at least male ancestors and
descendents, reflecting a sense of time that is almost inconceivable to most Americans."
(Morelli, 2009a)
Blow and Harnett (2005) point out the extreme aversive consequences that
accompany disclosure, including rage, loss of trust, decreased personal and sexual
confidence, damaged self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and a "surge of justification to
leave the spouse." They point out that "Twenty-five percent of those who had engaged
in infidelity and nearly 60% of their primary relationship partners said that they
suffered emotional problems and depression [and major depressive episode] following
disclosure." Additional untoward consequences ensue, including ruining other
relationships (children, parents, and friends); legal consequences (arrest); and financial
loss, such as unemployment, increased expenses and costs of treatment. The prevailing
wisdom is that confession (disclosure) "metanoia," that is to say a deep, honest redirecting one's heart, mind and action to be guided by one's spiritual father (who
collaborates with a highly trained and experienced mental health practitioner) is
strongly advised. The wisdom of St. John of Gaza, referenced above, and repeated here,
may well be the guiding point: "However, if he has not learned about it and will not
examine the matter, then it is not improper to keep silent and not give occasion to
grief."
ii
137
I thank one of my reviewers and editors, Anne Petach, who made a very important
comment on this section: "This, hopefully, is discussed in marriage preparation so that
fiancs can think ahead about their individual disclosure styles. If/when sharp grief hits
during the early years of marriage (e.g. death of parent or sibling) and this hasnt been
pre-examined, the spouse who has grown up in what might be termed a full
disclosure family, with the expectation and a practice of disclosure, can feel shut out
even emotionally abandoned by the withdrawn spouse feelings strong enough to
carry them beyond the reasonableness of challenging cognitive distortions."
iii
XXII. A Marriage Breaker: Obnoxiously Insisting on Your

Point of View
There is so much in the teachings of Christ and His Church, that if one is
committed to be a follower of Christ that one of the major virtues that would be
nurtured would be a firm commitment to truth. Consider the approbative words
Jesus told the Samaritan woman: "But the hour is coming, and now is, when the
true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for such the Father
seeks to worship him." (Jn 4: 23) St. John (8: 22) records Jesus very strong
assertion: "...you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." During
the Divine Liturgy, after reception of the very Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of
Our Lord God and Savior, Jesus Christ, the choir (congregation) chants: "We
have seen the true light ...found the true faith..." It would appear, Christians
should not get away from what is the truth. (Morelli, 2010a) Of course this focus
on truth would certainly extend to how the husband-wifefather-mother relate
to each other in a blessed marriage when they create a domestic church, a little
church in their home, and this extends to their children as well.
The Church Fathers on Truth
St. Maximus the Confessor (Philokalia II p. 188) regards truth as equivalent and
linked to divine knowledge: "Truth is divine knowledge, and virtue the struggles
for truth on the part of those who desire it." St. Maximus uses strong words to
convey the ubiquity and demand character of truth. He tells us: "Real faith is
truth which is all-embracing, all-sustaining and free from all falsehood."
Furthermore, to emphasize being truthful St. Gregory of Sinai (Philokalia IV p.
215) points out it is not enough to study truth such as in an academic discipline
one has to live it:
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To try to discover the meaning of the commandments through study and

reading without actually living in accordance with them is like mistaking the
shadow of something for it reality. It is only by participating in the truth that
you can share in the meaning of truth.
It's About How Truth is Practiced
The marriage and family breaker is not truth itself however. It is how truth is
insisted upon and forced on spouse or offspring. It is when truth is obnoxiously
imposed on, that is to say, when it is arrogant and rude. It is the pragmatics of
the communication interaction between husband, wife and children which is the
family problem. It is the insistence that one's point of view is not only true, but
must be adopted by the other, simply because it is true. It is offensively asserting
on one's truth over the other's viewpoint and demanding they acquiesce to your
viewpoint. It is the continual demand that your spouse or children acknowledge
your viewpoint and admit they were and are wrong. In disagreements, it is the
attitude held is that your spouse and children should acknowledge and submit
to 'truth as you see it.'
Language Pragmatics
Roger Brown, a Harvard University research psychologist, made what might be
termed one of the most important discoveries in modern psycholinguistics. He
reported (1965) that when we communicate it is the onomatopoeic aspect of
language that conveys the most meaning. In other words, it is the tone of voice
and the manner in which the words are spoken which convey the overwhelming
meaning in the communication, rather than the linguistic-definitional content
of the words themselves. Over the years I have found this Brown's research very
pastorally and clinically helpful.
For example, I may have a mother present a problem she claims "her son has."
She reports that she simply asks him to clear his dinner dish from the table after
supper. The mother tells me this in a pleasant non-emotional conversational
tone. She goes on to say, "when I tell him this, he flies into a rage, what is wrong
with him?" Immediately yellow (caution) flags arise in my mind. I ask myself, "if
she said this to her son as nicely as she is conveying it to me, why would he
respond so angrily?" Two hypotheses emerge, one, her son does have an
emotional problem, or two, she is not accurately conveying to me how she told
her son to perform the cleanup. At this point I usually ask her to role play the
exact words and tone of voice she used when talking to her son. I may have to
recite a possible typical script to get her started. I begin with a saccharine
intoned: "Sweetheart, would you please, help mommy and take your dinner dish
to the sink;" or "BOBBY, TAKE your dish to the SINK, NOW!" It has been by
pastoral and clinical experience that in most situations such as this example,
invariably the words she chose to talk to her son and her tone of voice is closer
to the second script. This is not to say the child may not have an behavioralemotional problem as well, but it is to say, the parental communication is harsh
and mean.
Psycho-spiritual Consequences of "Mean-Spirited" Communication
139
As Brown points out if something is said in an angry or mean tone, it is the tone
rather than the words which carry the message. In this example, the mothers
"tone." was strident and angry. This is the message received by her son. He then
would most likely respond emotionally himself, perhaps experience some anger,
hurt or confusion, and would likely infer his mother was mean. He will likely
close himself off to any forthcoming messages. Interestingly, I have found the
most consistent complaint children have about their parents is that they speak
"meanly" to them. If the content of the 'truth' one is insisting on is of a spiritual
nature, one's opponent, spouse or child may in fact, stubbornly resist, simply to
retain some sense of self-worth. I have previously emphasized that learning is
much more effective when "discovered" by the learner than being forced by
some "teacher." (Morelli, 2010b)
One problem with the attitude that one has to get husband, wife and children to
affirm the truth as you understand it is that individuals with such cognitive sets
tend to be incognizant that they may both hold points of view that both may be
contain a portion of what is really true. Referencing the Parable of the Wheat
and the Chaff, it may be a failure to realize that each family member's viewpoint
may contain some 'chaff' but some 'wheat' and as well. Thus it behooves the
members of the domestic church to listen to Christ's parable and apply it to
marital and family interaction: "But he said, `No; lest in gathering the weeds
you root up the wheat along with them." (Mt 13: 29).
Pride: The Spiritual Root of Insisting on One's View of Truth
Our first thought should be to consider and utilize ourselves Our Lord's own
question about involving oneself in the affairs of others: "Why do you see the
speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the that is in your own
eye?" (Mt 7: 3). This meditation should be done in the context of St. Paul's
famous description of love, part of which reads: "Love does not insist on its own
way..." (1Cor 13: 5).
One of the descriptions of Pride given by St. John Climacus in his Ladder of
Divine Ascent (1979) is that it is "the mother of condemnation [and] a source of
anger." This is exactly what obnoxiously insisting on imposing one's truth on
others is (even if correct according to Christ's teaching). The seriousness of
Pride, the passion that leads to insisting others conform to one's view point can
be seen in this dramatic metaphor of St. John: "Pride is utter penury of soul,
under the illusion of wealth, imagining light in its darkness. The foul passion
not only blocks our advance, but even hurls us down from the heights."
Communication versus Obnoxiously Insisting on Your Point of View
This is not to say that family members should not communicate their real
feelings to one another about some issue. This is especially important if their
viewpoint or feelings are 'true,' that they conform to Christ's teachings. In fact,
we could consider communication of what is 'true' as a gospel imperative. This
is described to us by St. Luke (8: 1) in telling us of the very actions of Jesus
Himself: "Soon afterward he went on through cities and villages, preaching and
bringing the good news of the kingdom of God. And the twelve were with
him..." Of course in dysfunctional families some may insist on their own way
140
regarding everyday things as well. In one non-normative case I had several years
a the father in the family would demand no viewpoint on any issue except the
viewpoint he would first utter. But there is a world of difference between simply,
communicating one's viewpoint, (which in fact may reflect the view of Christ
and His Church), versus obnoxiously insisting that others accept it. As I pointed
out in a recent article (Morelli, 2011) Jesus did not make demands on others, He
respected their free will.
Christ-like Assertiveness
One method of effective communication is related to the psychological
communication skill of assertiveness. (Morelli 2006d). Assertiveness is defined
as an honest communication of real feelings in a socially acceptable way; that is
to say not mean-spirited, harsh, arrogant or rude. This means all assertive
pragmatics imbibe the ethos "of the love of Christ which includes patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - what is known in
scriptural terminology as the "fruit of the Spirit" (Gal 5: 22-23)."
There are socially and spiritually appropriate behavioral boundaries that must
be in place in a Christ-like family (Morelli, 2006a), but they should be enacted
and guided by the love of Christ just mentioned. The most effective methods of
ensuring behavioral compliance is a scientific cognitive-emotive-behavioral
program enlivened by Christ's Holy Mysteries and His Church. (Morelli, 2005b,
2006a,c,e, 2010b)
Communication Aids
Trying out the Other's Perspective
One insight I had early on in my pastoral and clinical ministry is that the world
always makes sense in some way to the person I was talking to. Their
perspective many not be mine, but it made 'sense' to the other. As a priestpsychologist I found it important to attempt to see the world as the other saw it,
so I could understand their perspective. A non-family case provided the material
for this understanding. My patient was a financial planner. He reported
significant anxiety and depression when his clients did not take his advice. One
specific example he gave stands out. A female senior-citizen consulted him
regarding investments. He suggested a high yield municipal tax-free bond.
When she found out this would mean giving up her "bankbook," (a passport-like
book that had a typed sequential 'bank stamped in' printed record of deposits
and withdrawals and balance) she declined his advice. He could not understand
her decision at all. Objectively he saw it as irrational (he was correct). She would
be giving up 7% interest for a 'bankbook.' I perfectly understood the elderly
woman's perspective. For her having a printed record in a bankbook, was safe, it
was 'proof' of her holdings, a bond certificate was simply a 'piece of paper,' it
meant nothing.
Trying out the others perspective is also related to the psychological process of
empathy. (Morelli, 2005a. 2007). Empathy can be described as thinking and
feeling what the other is thinking and feeling. Being a member of a relational
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unit which emphasizing shared goals, objectiveness and cooperation and being
of one mind should facilitate empathy. The research of Markus, & Kitayama,
(1994) demonstrated in fact that a socialization pattern emphasizing an such
connectedness indeed fosters cooperation. In turn such a collective focus helps
to bring about empathy, agreeableness and cooperativeness. (Church and Ortiz,
2005) A proper understanding of the psychospiritual ethos of the domestic
church, the little church in the home as well as the parish community, would
indicate this is exactly what Orthodox family life, as well as membership in the
parish community should look like. The exclamation ending the Anaphora
prayer the priest recites during the Divine Liturgy expresses this relational
perspective:
And grant us with one mouth and one heart to glorify and praise thine allhonorable and majestic name: of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy
Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
The Domestic Church
As alluded to above, the family is the most immediate place where the teachings
of Christ should be understood and practiced. Like the Holy Trinity, the
members of the domestic church, being of one flesh through marriage of the
husband and wife, or their offspring is a relational unit based on love. The
words, teachings and actions of Jesus should be the spirit of family interrelationship. Husbands, and wives, as such, and as fathers and mothers, should
be the leaders of the "church at home" in Christ's name, with the enlivened by
the counsel of St. Paul: "Even so husbands should love their wives as their own
bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." (Eph 5: 28). These words of St.
Paul, often overlooked, indicate marriage is not a dictatorship of the husband or
wife, obnoxiously insisting one one's point of view, but rather a relational
mutuality of family leadership and partnership. They should bless one another
and their children, and reciprocally witness and guide their children in
Godliness. This can be done in ordinary daily events like blessing the food which
is partaken, give thanksgiving for all that God has provided (house, furnishings,
etc.), and thanking God for the health and talents He has rendered to all family
members. The God-centeredness of the family should also be applied in dealing
with individual problems family members which may incur and in witnessing to
one another how Christ would view and deal with contemporary events (Morelli,
2005c). The sanctity of their conduct, cooperativeness and empathy should be
shown in word and deed. An detailed outline of how the Domestic Church can
fulfill its obligation to preach, teach and practice Christ, with kindness and love
can be found in Morelli, 2009.
The Disarming Technique
At times a family member, or even someone outside the family will stubbornly
insist on his or her own viewpoint and be intent to prove the other wrong. It
almost appears like warfare in which the insisting one will not back off until
their spouse or child declares "unconditional surrender." Morelli, (2010a)
discussed a very effective communication tool in dealing with such situations. It
can be used in situations in which your point of view is rejected outright. It is
called the disarming technique:
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After expressing your view to a person and it is rejected, disarming becomes a

powerful way to deflect conflict. Basically it makes a neutral statement about the
other individuals response. One does not have to agree to what was said and
what you consider false, so truth as you see does not have to be compromised.
This is especially important if the truth you expressed and that was rejected by
another individual reflects the orthodox teaching of Christ and His Church.
Some representative Disarming Responses: Hum! Thats an idea; That is one
way of looking at it; Thats a possibility; Thats a point to consider. If the
person you are communicating with is a friend and you want to maintain the
friendship and they keep pursuing the point a last effort communication might
be: Well if we want to keep our friendship, we will just have to agree to disagree
on this point.
Agreeing to Disagree
As simple as it sounds, in a communication impasse (especially within family
and among friends), just suggesting to the other, a change in how to continue to
relate to one another, a truce so to speak, may be an effective communication
tool: "Look! We are all members of our family, we love one another, and should
love one another. Sometimes we have to 'agree to disagree.' You know, we all
can't agree on everything, nor should we have too. I can love you even though
you hold a different viewpoint than I do. The most important thing is for us is to
accept that we have different views on this subject and move on."
Psychologically at least there are no winners and no losers.
Humility: The Spiritual Cure
In contemporary American (and Western) secular society, humility is not a
virtue, it is considered a vice and disability. Jesus beautiful words known as the
Beatitudes in the Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall
inherit the earth." (Mt 5:5), would be re-phrased: 'Cursed are the meek, for they
shall lose it all.' Robert Greene (1998) would utter the motto of the proud in his
15th Law of Power: "Crush your enemy totally."
Jesus taught us just the opposite: "For what does it profit a man if he gains the
whole world and loses or forfeits himself." (Lk 9: 25). How apt for those who
obnoxiously insist on imposing their viewpoint on family, friends and others to
apply to themselves the Idiomela by St. John of Damascus sung during Funeral
Service in the Eastern Church:
I called to mind the Prophet, as he cried: I am earth and ashes; and I looked
again into the graves and beheld the bones laid bare, and I said: Who then is the
king or the warrior, the rich man or the needy, the upright or the sinner? Yet, o
Lord, give rest unto thy servant with the righteous.
St. Paul's instruction to St. Timothy should be the motto of a good, smart
marriage in Christ: "And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly
to everyone, an apt teacher, forbearing ." (2Tim 2:24).
St. Dorotheos of Gaza dedicates a whole chapter his in Discourses (Wheeler,
1977), that he entitles 'On Building Up of Virtue.' St. Dorotheos uses the analogy
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of building a house, that must starts with its foundation. In this context, he then
first discusses faithfulness which is a foundation that without which "it is
impossible to please God." (c.f. Heb 11: 6). He moves on to the stones of
obedience and patience, and with perseverance and courage as the cornerstone
of the structure. But what holds it all together is the mortar, which is humility.
St. Dorotheos goes on to point out humility "is composed of the earth and lies
under the feet of all." Then to accentuate the extraordinary importance of
humility, he goes on to say: "Any virtue existing without humility is no virtue at
all." To this however, must be added discretion, which braces the building so to
speak, and the roof of the building will be charity, which "completes the house."
But at the end of his description, he returns back, or rather looks up to humility
again, which he calls the house's crown:
The crown is humility. For that is the crown and guardian of all virtues. As each
virtue needs humility for its acquisitionand in that sense we said each stone is
laid with the mortar of humilityso also the perfection of all the virtues is
humility..the man that is getting closer to God looks on himself more and
more as a sinner.
It is impossible to overcome the barriers to a good marriage without humility.
As St. Isaac the Syrian (Wensinck, 1923) tells us: "Grace is preceded by
humility." St. Isaac goes on to say humility is "embracing a voluntary
mortification regarding all things." In the case of the obnoxiously insisting on
imposing your point of view on spouse or other family members, it would mean
letting go, giving up, putting to death this prideful stance. As St. Isaac writes:
"He that has humility in his heart, has become dead to the world." So in regard
to insisting on others acquiesce to one's own viewpoints, we should apply St.
Isaacs wisdom: "honor silence; for it prevents many wrongs."
When pride comes, then comes disgrace; but with the humble is wisdom. (Pv
11:2)
REFERENCES
Brown, R. (1965). Social psychology. NY: Free Press.
Church, A. T., & Ortiz, F. A. (2005). Culture and personality. In CV. A. Derlega, B.A.
Winstead, & W. H. Jones (Eds.) Personality: Contemporary theory and research.
Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.
Greene, R. (1998). The 48 laws of power. NY: Penguin
Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1994). The cultural construction of self and emotion:
Implications for social behavior. In S. Kitayama & H. Rl Markus (Eds.), Emotions and
culture: Empirical studies of mutual influnence. Washington, DC: American
Psychological Association.
Morelli,
G.
(2005a,
August
29)
Compassion
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/compassion-and-love
Morelli,
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17).
Smart
and
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Love.
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Morelli, G. (2005c, September, 22). What Do You Know: The Score Or The Saint?
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliScore.php.
Morelli,
G.
(2006a,
February
04).
Smart
Parenting
Part
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Morelli, G. (2006b, March 10). Sinners in the Hands of an Angry or Gentle God?
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliHumility.php.
Morelli, G. (2006c, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional
Control.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting3.php.
Morelli,
G.
(2006d,
July
02).
Assertiveness
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Christian
Charity.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-assertiveness-andchristian-charity.
Morelli,
G.
(2006e,
September
24).
Smart
Parenting
IV:
Control.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting4.php.
Cuss
Morelli, G. (2007, February 04). The Spiritual Roots of Altruism: The Good Samaritan.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-spiritual-roots-of-altruism-thegood-samaritan
Morelli,
G.
(2010a,
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09).
The
Disarming
Technique.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-disarming-technique
Morelli, G. (2009. July 15). Smart Parenting XVII. Love and Worship in the Domestic
Church Of God or Idols? http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parentingxvii.-love-and-worship-in-the-domestic-church-ndash-of-godMorelli, G. (2010b, November 25). The Ethos of Orthodox Catechesis: The Mind of the
Orthodox
Church.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/view/morelli-the-ethos-oforthodox-catechesis
Morelli, G. (2011, January 05). Good Marriage XXI. Forfending Disclosure Demand
and Disclosure Phobia. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/good-marriage-xxiforfending-disclosure-demand-and-disclosure-phobia
St. John Climacus (1991). The Ladder of Divine Ascent. Boston: Holy Transfiguration
Monastery.
Wensinck, A. J. (ed., trans.) (1923). Mystic Treatises by Isaac of Nineveh. Amsterdam,
Holland: Koninklijke Akademie Van Wetenschappen.
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APPENDIX
Understanding Brokenness In Marriage
It is because a blessed marriage is holy that a broken marriage is a tragedy.
The writer of Genesis said of Adam and Eve: "And God blessed them, and God
said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it;'
they become one flesh" (Genesis 1:28; 2:24). St. Paul wrote in Hebrews: "Let
marriage be held in honor among all . . ." (Hebrews 13:4).
St. John Chrysostom typified the Orthodox Church Fathers: "From the
beginning God has been revealed as the fashioner, by his providence, of this
union (Greek: syzygias yoking wedlock married state as used by the Church
Fathers) of man and woman, and He has spoken of the two as one: 'male and
female He created them'" (Homily on Ephesians 5:22-33).
In a blessed marriage in the Orthodox Church, the couple is ordained as the
leaders of their domestic church, crowned to be the king and queen of their
domicile and granted grace for the "fair education of children" as the Orthodox
wedding service proclaims.
How does brokenness in marriage occur? The answer is found both in the
spiritual and psychological realms.
Understanding the spiritual definition of marriage helps explain the meaning of
brokenness. Spiritually, in the marital relationship two individuals become "one
flesh;" a term that means two individuals work in concert to become one mind
and heart. They are joined together in love in a way that replicates how the
Three Persons of the Trinity relate in love to one another.
Becoming "one flesh" in a blessed marriage is an act of agape, a selfless giving of
one to the other; a self-emptying (Greek: kenosis) in a manner like Christ when
He took on human flesh and assumed human nature. Marriage also replicates
the creative energy of God where the couple as "one flesh" unites to create new
life.
Marital self-emptying however occurs only if each partner consents to it. In
making man in His image, God gave man freedom. This leads those in a marital
union to a crossroad: The path of righteousness where marriage is a joined
duality, or the path of self-satisfaction where marriage is defined as a
singularity.
The latter is a marriage in name only. After the Fall we are predisposed to selfcentered choices directed by the passions (lusts) rather than choices based on
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agape. St. Isaac of Syria tells us: ". . . pandering to the flesh, produce(s) in us
shameful urges and unseemly fantasies" (Early Fathers from the Philokalia).
The passions spring from the heart of the person. Jesus told us: "For from
within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, fornication, theft, murder,
adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride,
foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a man"
(Mark 7: 21-23).
St. Paul wrote "While we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by
the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death" (Romans 5:7). The
work of the passions can take place either before marriage or after the marital
union takes place. In either case they lead to a choice of singularity or selfsatisfaction over a righteous joined union.
Before marriage one may not understand or be committed to the Christian view
of marriage (Morelli, 2004). After marriage, due to the brokenness of human
nature, the passions may predispose a couple to discord. St. Paul's warning
applies to the "demon's" attack on the marital union: "Now the works of the
flesh are plain: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity,
strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit, envy, drunkenness,
carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do
such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:19-21). The
Church Fathers attribute this to the demon of each passion that never tires of
breaking union with God.
An example of how this works may aid our understanding. The demon of lust,
the Church Fathers tell us, may take over our lives. Modern society facilitates
this malady. Sex is broadcast everywhere for almost every use: art, fashion,
music, news, pornography (especially the Internet), and the sale of almost any
product from automobiles to computers, The secular world flagrantly exposes
body parts, especially the genital areas.
The Church Fathers knew about such enticements a thousand years ago. St.
Isaac of Syria wrote: "Passions are brought either by images or by sensations
devoid of images and by memory, which at first is unaccompanied by passionate
movements or thoughts, but which later produces excitation." One way to deal
with these passions, continued St. Isaac: " . . . their thought must become
attached to nothing except their own soul."
One has to make a choice between Christ and demon. St. Paul asked: "Who shall
separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation . . . distress . . .
persecution . . . hunger . . . nakedness . . . danger . . . the sword? For I am sure
that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present,
nor things to come, nor power, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature
will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ our Lord"
(Romans 8:35-39). Vigilance and discernment are major virtues to be acquired
by those seeking Christ indwelling in them and desire to overcome the power of
passions.
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Ilias the Presbyter tells us: "Demons wage war against the soul primarily
through thoughts . . . " (Philokalia, III). Ideally the marital couple will make a
"spiritual desert" for themselves removing them from the "enticements" so
prevalent in modern life. Spiritual death occurs when these thoughts are self
centered.
St. Maximus the Confessor knew this as well: "The self love and cleverness of
men, alienating them from each other and perverting the law, have cut our
single human nature into many fragments." How much more should St.
Maximus' words apply to those who have become "one flesh"?
Psychology and sociology aids us in understanding the social, cognitive, and
behavioral factors that contribute to the spiritual breakdown (the demon's
work) that creates marital brokenness. Cognitive-behavioral research (Beck
1988) and it's related marital investigation programs (Christianson and
Jacobson, 2000 and Gottman, 1994, 1999) have done much to help delineate
the cognitive factors that lead to marital discord and develop efficacious clinical
interventions.
Beck example, points out the cognitive distortions that produce marital conflict.
Individuals do not know the "state of mind-attitudes thoughts and feelings" of
the other so they impose their own interpretation. There is a tendency to rely on
ambiguous signals from the other and interpret them based on the observers
own attitudes, thoughts and feelings.
The intensity of the degree of the observer's beliefs about the motives of the
other is not a measure of the accuracy of the observer's interpretation, however.
One major contributor to maintaining these inaccurate perceptions is what Beck
labels a "closed perspective." Beck states: "Closed or self centered perspectives
are defined by the individual frames of reference; people view events only
according to how they relate to them."
Beck goes on to state something with which the Church Fathers could readily
agree: "Marital conflict fosters and exaggerates egocentric perspectives." These
biases determine perception and focuses on unfavorable features of the other's
behavior while disregarding favorable ones.
Treatment procedures include training the spouses in recognizing that the
source of many misunderstandings is differences in perception. Traits that each
spouse has are not "bad" in and of themselves, but a "mismatch with their own
traits." Each of the spouses has to restructure or reframe the perception or
perspective of the other. They have to view the other "more benignly and
realistically."
Christianson and Jacobson find three factors lead to marital discord: criticism,
demands and cumulative annoyance. Gottman has extended this to include
what he calls the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse [that] clip-clop into the
heart of marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling"
(Gottman,1999).
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The spiritual heritage of the Church may use different terminology, but the
meaning is the same. In Gottman's research for example, a complaint focuses on
a specific behavior, while criticism focuses on general character assassination.
This is in accord with the Church Fathers. St. Peter of Damaskos taught: "For he
who sins . . . will not dare to judge or censure anyone."
"Defensiveness" and "stonewalling" are terms not in scripture and the writing of
the Church Fathers, but their meaning was readily apparent. The prophet Job,
spoke of "a heart hard as stone" (Job 41:24). The prophet Ezekiel said: "But the
house of Israel will not listen to you; for they are not willing to listen to me;
because all the house of Israel are of a hard forehead and of a stubborn heart"
(Ezekiel 3:7-8), Even Our Lord warned about His words falling on "hard" soil, in
the Parable of the Sower (Luke 8:13).
Pastorally and clinically I have found four factors are especially insidious in
undermining marital relationships: mind-reading, reciprocity, entitlement, and
constant urging (colloquially known as "nagging", (Burns, 1989).
Mind reading is the unrealistic cognition that one's partner should be able to
know what the other is thinking, feeling or desiring. (All individuals perceive the
world differently; it is the individual's responsibility to communicate to their
spouse what their wants and needs are.)
Reciprocity is the unrealistic expectation, that if one does something for
someone, they have the right to expect a return (even though the other may not
be privy to this "unilateral contract." Spouses should clearly state what they
want from the other and attempt to come to a common agreement.
Constant urging is the unrealistic expectation that if one urges (nags) one's
partner enough, he will comply with what is wanted. Often the opposite is
produced, people stonewall when feeling coerced. It is better to get individuals
to voluntarily comply with requests on their own.
These psychological interventions can be enlivened by the Holy Spirit: "But the
fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law. And those who belong to
Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by
the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us have no self-conceit, no
provoking of one another, no envy of one another" (Galatians 5:22-26).
It takes two persons to keep the marriage together but it takes one to break it.
Why? Because marriage is a conjoint relationship.
I was recently asked: "How does separation and divorce in a marriage fit into
this holy business?" The basic answer is that it doesn't. But more is to come:
Christ can transform all even what appears "bad" and is "bad" into good. How is
this possible? St. Peter of Damaskos (Philokalia III) suggested: "The more we
place our hope in the Lord with regard to all things that concern (us) whether of
soul for body the more (we) will find that the Lord provides for (us) . . . The
more (we) exert themselves for the sake of His love, the more God grows near to
(us) through His gifts and longs to fill [us] with peace . . . "
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In a world which is broken and disordered, problems will occur. If we respond

by fighting the good fight as St. Paul said, and exert ourselves as St. Peter of
Damaskos said, then we are growing near to God. Following the brokenness in
marriage it can be a start "new creation". "Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is
a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come. All this is
from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself" (2 Corinthians 5: 1718).
This is done through prayer, participation in the holy mysteries, especially
Confession and the reception of the Holy Eucharist. The greatest good after any
brokenness is the capacity to be able to "love more."
REFERENCES
Burns, D.D. (1989). The feeling good handbook: Using the New Mood Therapy in
Everyday Life. NY: William Morrow.
Christensen, A. & Jacobson, N.S. (2000). Reconcilable Differences. NY: Guilford
Gottman, J.M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. NY: Simon & Schuster.
Rivers Press.
Kadloubovsky, E., & Palmer, G.E.D. (1954. trans.) Early Fathers from the Philokalia.
London: Oxford
Morelli, G. (2004). Sex is holy: The Responsibility of Christian Parenting. The Word.
48 (6) 7-8.
Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P., & Ware, K. (Eds). (1986). The Philokalia: The Complete
Text Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain and St. Makarious of Corinth
(Vol. III).Winchester, MA: Faber and Faber.
XXIV. Trust: A Cornerstone of a Godly Marriage

"Moreover it is required of stewards that they be foundtrustworthy." (1Cor 4: 2)
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"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." (Pv
31: 11)
Developmental psychologist Eric Erickson (1964a) conjectures that during
infancy the continuity of comforting sensory experiences with adults promotes a
sense of trust that serves as a root for the resolution of the successive challenges
the individual will confront over a lifespan. Erickson goes on to suggest that the
appropriate proportion of trust over mistrust produces hope. He states, "Hope is
both the earliest and the most indispensible virtue inherent in the state of being
alive." (Erickson, 1964b).
Erickson's understanding is also very descriptive of a functional marriage. Beck
(1988), for example, considers trust one of the three major components of a
functional relationship - commitment and loyalty being the others. Beck
considers them "a force for stability" that, once developed, "protect[s] the
closeness, intimacy, and security of the loving bond."
Beck (1988) goes on to give examples of attitudes or beliefs that indicate basic
trust:
"I can depend on my spouse to guard my best interests."

"I know that my spouse would not intentionally hurt me."
"I know that I can depend on my spouse for help in ordinary situations
or in an emergency."
"I know my spouse will be available when I need him or her."
I can assume good will on the part of my spouse."
COMMITMENT AND LOYALTY: THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF TRUST

I would like to somewhat modify Beck's (1988) model. I suggest that
commitment and loyalty, certainly as Beck suggests, are foundational to a good
marriage. But they are actually more than that. They themselves are the building
blocks, the foundation upon which trust itself is engendered and constructed
and, if necessary, re-established. Trust is the cornerstone of this foundation.
If a betrayal has occurred, the couple will eventually have to reassess the
reliability of trustworthiness being re-established. Gottman (2011) suggests five
criteria that can be used in making this evaluation. I will discuss these criteria
later in this article.
The Witness of God's Covenant with His People: The Spiritual
Foundation
God's First Great Commitment: The First Covenant
Consider God's commitment to Abram. ". . . I will make of you a great nation,
and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I
will bless those who bless you, and him who curses you I will curse; and by you
all the families of the earth shall bless themselves." (Gen 13: 2-4) Following this
commitment by God to Abram and his people, Abram departed to the land of
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Canaan as God had instructed. When Abram and his family reached Canaan,
God made another commitment to Abram:
Then the Lord appeared to Abram, and said, "To your descendants I will give
this land." So he built there an altar to the Lord, who had appeared to
him. Thence he removed to the mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his
tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; and there he built an altar to
the Lord and called on the name of the Lord. (Gen 18: 7-8)
Later, God made an overwhelming commitment to Abram and the Hebrew
people:
When Abram was ninety-nine years old the Lord appeared to Abram, and said
to him, "I am God Almighty; walk before me, and be blameless. And I will make
my covenant between me and you, and will multiply you exceedingly."
Then Abram fell on his face; and God said to him, "Behold, my covenant is with
you, and you shall be the father of a multitude of nations. No longer shall your
name be Abram, but your name shall be Abraham; for I have made you the
father of a multitude of nations. I will make you exceedingly fruitful; and I will
make nations of you, and kings shall come forth from you. And I will establish
my covenant between me and you and your descendants after you throughout
their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be God to you and to your
descendants after you. (Gen 17: 1-7)
Loyalty
God's loyalty to His word can be seen in His interaction with Noah, which
preceded even His encounter with Abraham. Because God "saw that the
wickedness of man was great in the earth." (Gen 6:5) He planned a great flood
to destroy all on earth: "I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of
the ground, man and beast and creeping things and birds of the air, for I am
sorry that I have made them." (Gen 6:5) However, God saw that Noah and his
family were righteous. God saved them and, true to His word, God told Noah:
"Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your descendants after you, and
with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the cattle, and every beast
of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark.
"I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by
the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth."
And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant which I make between me and
you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations:
"I set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and
the earth. When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds,
"I will remember my covenant which is between me and you and every living
creature of all flesh; and the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy
all flesh. When the bow is in the clouds, I will look upon it and remember the
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everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is
upon the earth." (Gen 9: 9-16)
Many other exchanges and events occurred between God and his people as
recorded by Moses in the Book of Genesis. But God's loyalty was attested to by a
Philistine, the traditional enemy of the Hebrew people: "Abimelech and Phicol
the commander of his army said to Abraham, 'God is with you in all that you do;
now therefore swear to me here by God that you will not deal falsely with me or
with my offspring or with my posterity, but as I have dealt loyally with you, you
will deal with me and with the land where you have sojourned.' And Abraham
said, 'I will swear.' (Gen 21: 21-24). God's commitment and loyalty to His people
would lead to one of the most dramatic examples of trust in the history of
mankind.
Trust
Consider a man and his wife who are 100 years of age, well beyond childbearing
age; God tells them they will have a son. The man, Abraham, named his son
Isaac. Although he had a previous son by his slave, he truly loved the son, Isaac,
born to him by his wife Sarah. Some years later . . . God tested Abraham, and
said to him, 'Abraham!' And he said, 'Here am I.' He said, 'Take your son, your
only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him
there as a burnt offering upon one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.'
(Gen 22: 1-2) How much trust in God must Abraham have had to obey His
command! As the writer of Genesis tells us: "When they came to the place of
which God had told him, Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in
order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar, upon the wood. Then
Abraham put forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." (Gen 22: 9-10)
Abraham has proved his trust in God, under almost unimaginable
circumstances: willingness to obey God and sacrifice his beloved son. God being
the good God, however, speaking to Abraham through an angel, intervened at
the last moment: "'Do not lay your hand on the lad or do anything to him; for
now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only
son, from me.'" (Gen 22: 12)
God's Second Great Commitment: The New Covenant
The Prophet Isaiah tells us of God's commitment to His people of a new
covenant:
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, a young woman shall
conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel. He shall eat curds
and honey when he knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good.
For before the child knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good. . . .(Is 7:
14-16)
. . . .For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government will be
upon his shoulder, and his name will be called "Wonderful Counselor, Mighty
God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Of the increase of his government and
of peace there will be no end, upon the throne of David, and over his kingdom,
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to establish it, and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this
time forth and for evermore. (Is 9: 6-7)
Morelli (2010) summarizes what other Old Testament Holy Spirit inspired
writers told us about the God's commitment to send the Messiah: i
The righteous prophets of the Old Covenant tell us that the Messiah will come
from the house of David. Ezekiel, during the days of the fall of Jerusalem, spoke
of the abiding presence of God. He tells of the coming of the Messiah to protect
His people for all ages: "And I will set up over them one shepherd, my servant
David, and he shall feed them: he shall feed them and be their shepherd. And I,
the Lord, will be their God, and my servant David shall be prince among them; I,
the Lord, have spoken." (Ez 34: 23-24) Ezekiel (37: 24) goes on to say: "My
servant David shall be king over them; and they shall all have one shepherd.
They shall follow my ordinances and be careful to observe my statutes." Several
hundred years later Ezra prophesizes: "this is the Messiah whom the Most High
has kept until the end of days, who will arise from the posterity of David, and
will come and speak to them; he will denounce them for their ungodliness and
for their wickedness, and will cast up before them their contemptuous dealings."
(4 Ezra 12: 32)
God's loyalty
God's loyalty in sending His Son, Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ, the
Messiah, precisely as prophesied by Isaiah, quoted above, was attested to by St.
Matthew:
Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. . . . "you shall call his name
Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill
what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: "Behold, a virgin shall conceive and
bear a son, and his name shall be called Emmanuel" (which means, God with
us). (Mt 1: 18 21-23)
Of which the angels sang: "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace
among men with whom he is pleased!" (Lk 2: 14) God was not only true to his
commitment, that is to say loyal, He also confirmed the great gift of Divinity
that He was giving to mankind.
God testifies by His own Word
St. Luke tells us of the Theophany, the first manifestation of the Divinity of the
Messiah, the God-Man: ". . . when Jesus also had been baptized and was
praying, the heaven was opened, and the Holy Spirit descended upon him in
bodily form, as a dove, and a voice came from heaven, 'Thou art my beloved
Son; with thee I am well pleased.'" (2: 21-22) God's loyalty is so beautifully
expressed liturgically by the Apolytikion of the Feast of the Theophany:
When Thou, O Lord, wast baptized in the Jordan, worship of the Trinity wast
made manifest; for the voice of the Father bore witness to Thee, calling Thee His
beloved Son. And the Spirit in the form of a dove confirmed the truth of His
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word. O Christ our God, Who hath appeared and enlightened the world, glory to
Thee.
Jesus proclaims who He truly is
However, Jesus Himself proclaims that He is the promised and expected savior
of the Hebrew people. It was to the Samaritan woman, the traditional enemy of
the Jews,ii that Jesus, Himself, revealed Himself as the expected Messiah.
But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the
Father in spirit and truth, for such the Father seeks to worship him.
God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth."
The woman said to him, "I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called
Christ); when he comes, he will show us all things." Jesus said to her, "I who
speak to you am he." (Jn 4: 23-26)
The Apostles attest to God's loyalty
That God was true to his Word and sent His Son was attested to by Simon-Peter
and the Apostles:
Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his
disciples, "Who do men say that the Son of man is?" He said to them, "But who
do you say that I am?" Simon Peter replied, "You are the Christ, the Son of the
living God." And Jesus answered him, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For
flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven."
(Mt 16: 13, 15-17)
The implications of God's loyalty
The depth of Christs loyalty to His people is a model for the backbone of an
Orthodox Christian Marriage. In this regard we can consider the words of St.
Paul.
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though
he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be
grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being born in the
likeness of men. And being found in human form he humbled himself and
became obedient unto death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly
exalted him and bestowed on him the name which is above every name, that at
the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the
earth. . . . (Phil 2: 5-10)
Christs emptying Himself of His Divinity for our salvation is described in the
imagery used by St. John the Baptist as that of the bridegroom and his bride:
"He who has the bride is the bridegroom; the friend of the bridegroom, who
stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice; therefore this
joy of mine is now full." (Jn 3: 29)
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It can easily be seen that God Himself, as even His people of both the Old and
New Covenants, esteemed very highly that commitment and loyalty which
engender trust.
Marital Infidelity: the greatest threat to Loyalty, Commitment and
Trust
Infidelity-adultery is the greatest threat to the relationship between husband
and wife in the blessed marriage by the Holy Mystery of Matrimony in the
Orthodox Church. It undermines the very foundation of marriage itself, the
loyalty and commitment of the spouses to each other, in emulation of God's
action with His people, as well as the ensuing trust that must emerge between
them. Beck (1988) points out that, psychologically, "infidelity is a direct attack
on the relationship itself and a mockery of the supposed marital commitment."
It should be noted that infidelity-adultery need not be limited to a sexual liaison.
Many couples perceive a close personal relationship between their spouse and a
member of the opposite sex to be 'adulterous.' However, even infidelity need not
be a marriage breaker if trust can be cultivated and reestablished (Snyder,
Baucom & Gordon, 2008). As Gottman (2011) points out, trust allows a marital
relationship to be safe and thereby fosters "mutual nurturance and moral
responsibility for building a life together." This might be phrased as fostering
mutual interdependence.
Psychological Interventions for Trust Building
Emotional Attunement
Cognitive psychologists have emphasized the importance of interpretation and
perception of events in activating our emotional reactions to them, such as
anger, anxiety, depression or happiness (Morelli, 2006a). In an interpersonal
relationship such as marriage, correct interpretation of the motives, thinking
and feelings of one's spouse is critical. Frequently, however, our own cognitive
distortions, that is to say thinking errors prevent accuracy. An outline of these
cognitive distortions includes (Beck, 1995):
Selective Abstraction is focusing on one event while excluding others.

"Jack," an engineer, selectively focuses on a reprimand he just received
from his wife, while ignoring the praise he received the previous week
from a project he did that she appreciated as "Well done." This irrational
perception led him to an angry response.
Arbitrary Inference is drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in
an ambiguous situation. Jack, the same patient mentioned above,
concludes that his wife will consider his next endeavor to be
unsatisfactory. This leads him to depression.
Personalization is blaming yourself for an event you are not responsible
for, or concluding that it is directed to you personally. Another patient,
"Linda," became depressed when, during a family discussion, one of her
children said: "Well, one of my parents hates me." She immediately
"personalized" the statement with no evidence that her child was
directing it at her, nor did she inquire about the events that invited the
child's comments.
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Polarization is perceiving or interpreting events in all-or-nothing terms.

"Cynthia," another patient of mine, was told by her daughter, "You don't
know how to treat children." She "polarized" events into two categories,
good mother/bad mother. Her child's statement fell into the bad-mother
pole. She failed to see that all events can be graded on a continuum
between two poles. Just because she did not fulfill her child's request
surely does not make her a "bad' mother.
Generalization is the tendency to see things in always-or-never
categories. "Mary" became depressed during marital therapy when she
irrationally concluded that her husband will "never" change and will
"always" be the same. Her dysphoria led to a self-defeating pattern of
behavior which further distanced her and her husband and set her up for
the very thing she did not want: a poorer marriage.
Demanding Expectations are beliefs that there are laws or rules that have
to be obeyed. "Kim" came into treatment because she was depressed over
her husband disagreeing with her. She irrationally believed that there is a
"law in the universe" that says that husbands should always go along with
what their wives suggest and, if not, she has the right to get upset. She
did not see that God "asks" us to obey Him. He gave us free will. Christ
Himself respected the free will of the creatures He created, as shown by
the gentleness of His admonitions. Like Christ, spouses should prefer and
constructively work toward reasonable understanding of each others
motives. Preferences should be substituted for demands.
Catastrophizing is the perception that something is more than 100% bad,
terrible or awful. "Kim" erroneously believes her husband's disagreeing
with her is the "end of the world." With cognitive intervention she would
discover that on a scale of problems she might have with her husband,
differing viewpoints would be evaluated as decidedly low, surely not a
catastrophe.
Emotional Reasoning is the judgment that one's feelings are facts. Sandy
has a "feeling" that his wife is having an affair. When asked how he
knows this, he responds that his "feelings are always right." He fails to
distinguish a feeling as real, which it is, versus a feeling proving
something, which is impossible. For example, I tell patients, "No matter
how strongly some people 'felt' during the time of Christopher Columbus
that the world was flat, it did not make it so."
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The benefit of the ability to challenge and replace cognitive distortions is that it
allows marital relationships to move on to build what Gottman (1999) calls "The
Sound Relationship House." However, in a later book (Gottman, 2011) he is very
emphatic that an element is missing from the original Sound Relationship
House Theory. That element is trust. He points out that ". . . knowing about the
processes that control trust and betrayal therefore deepens the levels of the
Sound Relationship House Theory."
Attunement Building
Gottman (2011) points out that the big trust question is "Are you there for me."
According to this model, the processes to attain trust include being emotionally
aware, being able to turn toward the emotion, being tolerant of emotional
experience, understanding the emotion, non-defensive listening to the emotion
and the thinking processes accompanying the emotion, and empathy.
Awareness involves acceptance of emotions without blame or accusation, both
for oneself and one's spouse, and adapting to the emotion. Gottman gives the
example of a spouse who, being aware of their partners emotional sensitivity to
criticism, would adjust by "softening the way they raised an issue."
Turning toward emotion involves focusing on the needs of one's spouse and not
what they do not need. A 'speaking spouse' may convey to their wife or husband
what they are feeling and in behavioral terms what they would like: "I would
really like it if we could spend Saturday afternoons doing something together."
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Tolerance involves acceptance of thinking-perception and feeling differences

between spouses. This factor is related to the cognitive distortion of
personalization mentioned above: concluding that an event is directed to one
personally (Morelli, 2005b). Cultivating tolerance means challenging and
restructuring personalization cognitions and substituting a rational cognition:
"Just because we disagree does not mean either of our viewpoints do not have
value."
Non-defensive listening involves letting one's spouse uninterruptedly tell their
feelings and viewpoints before communicating ones own feelings and
viewpoints. Doing this communicates respect for one's spouse and is likely to
facilitate reciprocal listening and tolerance of each others differences.
Empathy involves thinking and feeling the way one's spouse is thinking and
feeling. Being aware of one's spouses distress, stressors and physical and/or
emotional pains fosters understanding and ameliorates anger, and thus
promotes fruitful communication.
"...be wise as serpents."(Mt 10: 16)
Intention vs. action
Who has not heard the proverb: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Actually this adage is thought to have originated with Saint Bernard of Clairvaux
who framed it as: "Hell is full of good wishes and desires." (Ammer, 1997) The
meaning is clear. At times people have good intentions, but these are never
carried out. It has been discussed above how commitment and loyalty are the
building blocks of trust. It is one thing to say one is committed and loyal to one's
spouse; it is another thing to actually be committed and loyal in heart, mind and
behavior.
In my pastoral and clinical experience I have encountered many 'good
intentioned' individuals who did not have a metanoia of heart, mind and
behavior. Many an adulterer, alcoholic, drug addict, and fornicator have
promised, with sincerity (or insincerity) to change their ways, from the "bottom
of their hearts," but have unintentionally or intentionally failed at the task. The
most egregious example of an intentionally failed marital commitment and
loyalty is one I encountered in a clinical-pastoral setting some years ago. A
young man came for counseling for a marital problem. He said his wife had
discovered he was having an affair and he agreed he would attend counseling. I
asked him his psychotherapy goals and objectives. He responded, "As long as I
am in 'treatment' my wife will be happy and I can continue to have a girlfriend
too." I queried, "You mean you don't want to end the infidelity?" "No," (he
answered) "I want to stay married and have my girlfriend."
When trust between spouses cannot be established, a condition of abuse is
established. This abuse is a betrayal of the marital promise of commitment,
loyalty and fidelity. Abuse categories include withdrawal of affection, displaying
disrespect, deception, and sexual infidelity, and can escalate into the
psychological (e.g. belittling, name calling, threats of beating), and even, in
extreme cases, the actual carrying out of physical violence.iii (c.f. Morelli, 2005c)
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The ideals and measure of trust

What is trustworthy behavior? How can trustworthy behavior be described?
Gottman (2011) provides a list for evaluating the trustworthiness of one's spouse
as I mentioned above. However, I want to point out that these criteria are more
than just measures of trust, they can also serve as goals to guide the
interpersonal interaction between spouses:
Honesty The spouses do not engage in deceptive behavior, do not lead

separate lives. Lies are not told.
Transparency - The everyday life of the husband and wife is an "open
book" to each other. They do not hold secrets from each other. They know
or know about each other's family, friends, acquaintances and coworkers. The couple shares their feelings and needs, especially problems
they are confronting and their life-goals. They are spontaneous and
forthcoming in answering each others questions.
Accountability - The spouses do all they can to keep the promises they
have made to one another. They give their spouse relevant and accurate
information regarding important interpersonal and/or financial actions.
Vague answers invite suspicion. Behavioral pinpointing (Morelli, 2005a)
should guide accountability responses: e.g., what was said, done, when
and where.
Ethics - Each of the marital couple have witnessed displays of good
ethical behavior by their spouse. That is to say, they have witnessed fair,
just and even generous actions by their spouse in terms of dealing with
others and/or business transactions.
Alliance - Each spouse knows the other is on their side, even under social
pressure from others. Is not focused on 'self-interest' or pleasing others.
and has their interest at heart.
Some behavioral indices of untrustworthiness and trustworthiness.

Tabares (2006) provides some possible behavioral characteristics of those
spouses who are trustworthy or untrustworthy. It should be kept in mind,
however, that some of these behaviors may occasionally be associated with other
factors, such as being distracted, or feeling ill, being momentarily occupied in an
important task, rather than being signs of being untrustworthy or trustworthy.
In order to avoid making the cognitive distortion of arbitrary inference (also
called mind-reading) that I discussed above, the spouse should consider their
initial interpretation to be a hypothesis, or guess, that has to be investigated. He
or she may ask a question of their partner, such as: "Jack, are you listening to
me, my concern is important?" "Jill, my concern is not a laughing matter; it is
important to me; please tell me why you are mocking me?" If these patterns
continue, however, especially when talking over the ideals and measures of
trust (as I discussed above), professional counseling from a licensed
scientifically trained mental health practitioner should be sought. Ideally, the
practitioner should be a committed, devout Orthodox-Catholic Christian. At the
very least, the practitioner should respect the values and use the spouses
commitment to Christ in the therapeutic process.(Morelli, 2006a)
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Behaviors that may be associated with untrustworthiness in the listening spouse

include: lack of eye contact, lack of humor and appropriate laughter, no
indication of attending by absence of acknowledgement phonemes such as
"hmm," or non-verbal response such as nodding one's head. Behaviors that may
be associated with untrustworthiness in the communicating spouse include:
speaking while teasing or engaging in mocking humor or sarcasm,' accusing in
generalizations (also a cognitive distortion I discussed previously in this paper,)
such as using phrases as "you always" or "you will never."
Behaviors that may be associated with trustworthiness on the part of the listener
are: maintaining eye contact, using favorable humor, verbal and nonverbal
response, being affectionate, animated and energetic.
Speakers behavior that may be associated with trustworthiness include: being
favorable and affectionate in tone and content in speech, couching complaints in
a respectful and "softened" tone, using behavioral pinpointing in describing
their spouses favorable characteristics.
The virtue of hope
All Orthodox Christians, by their Holy Baptism, are made members of the Royal
Priesthood of Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ. As St. Peter (1Pt 2: 9-10)
tells us:
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people,
that you may declare the wonderful deeds of him who called you out of darkness
into his marvelous light. Once you were no people but now you are God's
people; once you had not received mercy but now you have received mercy.
As God's people we are all to develop virtue. For those crowned in glory and
honor in the Orthodox Marriage Service the virtue of hope is especially
applicable. Consider the words of St. Maximus the Confessor (Philokalia II):
Faith is the foundation of what comes after it, namely hope and love, since it
provides a firm basis for truth. Hope is the strength of the two pre-eminent gifts
of love and faith, since hope gives us glimpses both of that in which we believe
and of that for which we long, and teaches us to make our way towards our goal.
The married are not wrong to hope for the fulfillment of the ideals of Godly
marriage. (Morelli, 2008). During the Marriage Service the priest prays:
. . . remember O Lord our God, thy servants. . .and bless them. Grant them fair
children and concord of soul and body; exalt them like the cedars of Lebanon,
like a luxuriant vine, that, having sufficiency in all things they may abound in
every work that is good and acceptable unto thee.
The virtue of hope can arouse the married couple to actions both psychological
and spiritual that will motivate them toward working at fulfilling their marital
commitment, being loyal to one another, growing in trust and eventually
attaining eternal life in God. The words of St. Peter of Damaskos on the virtue of
hope can readily be applied to a couple in a Godly marriage (Philokalia III):
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They [both] look forward with hope, laboring with joy. Outwardly they sacrifice
immediate advantages, but in reality, even if they forfeit what they sacrifice,
through their patient endurance they gain what is of far greater value.
The operative word in St. Peter's teaching is laboring. A Godly marriage,
maintaining and if necessary repairing marital commitment and loyalty which is
the foundation of trust, requires hard work (labor), prayer, and being united to
Christ through sincere, total dedication and participation in His Church. In the
popular adage: Work as if all depends on you, pray as if all depends on God.
How important it is for all in Christ to reflect on the words of St. James, the true
origin of this proverb:
What does it profit, my brethren, if a man says he hasfaith but has not works?
Can hisfaith save him? Sofaithby itself, if it has no works, is dead. But some one
will say, "You havefaithand I have works." Show me yourfaithapart from your
works, and I by my works will show you my faith." (Jas 2: 14,17-18)
REFERENCES
Ammer, C. (1997). The American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms. Boston:
Houghton Mifflin.
Beck, A.T. (1988). Love is Never Enough. NY: Harper and Rowe.
Erickson, E.H. (1964a). Childhood and Society. NY: Norton.
Erickson, E.H. 1964b). Insight and Responsibility. NY: Norton.
Gottman, J.M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic. NY: Norton.
Gottman, J.M. (2011). The Science of Trust. NY: Norton.
Morelli,
G.
(2005a,
September
17). Smart
Parenting
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliParenting.php
Morelli,
G.
(2005b,
October
14). The
Beast
of
Part
1.
Anger.
Morelli, G. (2005c December 04) Abuse: Some Pastoral And Clinical

Considerations.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/abuse-somepastoral-and-clinical-considerations
Morelli, G (2006b, May 08). Orthodoxy And The Science Of Psychology.
162
Morelli, G. (2008, July, 8). Good Marriage XIII: The Theology of Marriage
and
Sexuality.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-Smart
%20Marriage-XIII-The-Theology-of-Marriage-and-Sexuality.php.
Morelli, G. (2010, November 25). The Ethos of Orthodox Catechesis.
www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-ethos-of-orthodox-catechesis.
Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St.
Makarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.
Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume
3: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St.
Makarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.
Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H. & Gordon, K.C. (2008). An integrative approach to
treating infidelity. The Family Journal, 16, 300-3007.
Tabares, A. (2006). Praise and Complain Coding System. Seattle, WA:
University of Washington and the Relationship Research Institute.
ENDNOTES
i For a more complete review of the connection between God's commitment and
loyalty to His people of the Old and New Covenant see: Morelli, G. (2010,
November
25). The
Ethos
of
Orthodox
Catechesis. www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-ethos-of-orthodoxcatechesis.
ii The Samaritans were a mix of some ancient Hebrew tribes and pagan peoples.
The fact that Jesus revealed Himself as the Messiah to a Samaritan is
considered to be His proclaiming that His Messiah-ship, His New and eternal
Covenant, is for all mankind, not just the Hebrew people.
iii Abuse falls into four categories:
Physical, (hitting, battering, etc.);

Sexual, (forcible intercourse, inappropriate touching, glancing, language,
etc.);
Psychological (calling someone by demeaning terms: "You idiot; loser"
[these are actually mild; often its far worse];
Neglect (legally denying, food, shelter, education, and necessary care.
Spiritually, each of these categories is different in terms of sin, of how they

"miss the mark" or of how they indicate an "illness of the soul." Both perpetrator
and victim should seek counseling from their parish priest or spiritual father or
mother.
Morally, referral to appropriate psychological care is the very least that should
be done by all Christians. In the most serious cases, such as a credible death
163
threat, an immediate call to police and/or emergency services would be

warranted. Those who are mandated reporters under law, such as physicians,
psychiatrists, psychologists, marriage and family therapists and others, must
follow their state or other governmental laws and report the abuse to the
designated authorities (and, under certain circumstances, to the potential
victim).
APPENDIX
Pascha: Marital Vocation and Putting on Christ
I would like to use the feast of Pascha to enliven the commitment of husbands
and wives united in blessed marriage to one another and to their charge the
Domestic Church.
Pascha is critical in this renewal because all of Christs teachings, who He is,
who He claims to be, who we say He is, how we live our lives personally and in a
holy union with our spouses in one flesh and the our flesh shared by our
children depends completely on Holy Pascha.
Let us reflect on the words of St. Paul to the Corinthians:
Now if Christ is preached as raised from the dead, how can some of you say that
there is no resurrection of the dead? But if there is no resurrection of the dead,
then Christ has not been raised; if Christ has not been raised, then our
preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain. We are even found to be
misrepresenting God, because we testified of God that he raised Christ, whom
he did not raise if it is true that the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not
raised, then Christ has not been raised. If Christ has not been raised, your faith
is futile and you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in
Christ have perished. If for this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all
men most to be pitied. But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the first
fruits of those who have fallen asleep. For as by a man came death, by a man has
come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ
shall all be made alive. But each in his own order: Christ the first fruits, then at
his coming those who belong to Christ. Then comes the end, when he delivers
the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority
and power (1 Corinthians 15: 12-24).
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The reason this passage is so importance is that it gives us the reason for those
who are married to do so in Christ. It gives those who have children to raise
them in an Orthodox Christian home. It is the ultimate reason for the focal point
of marriage and parenting to be the teachings of Christ and not the power of the
Evil One.
One of the beautiful hymns sung during the Paschal service is the Baptismal
hymn: As many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ,
Alleluia. In baptism we put on Christ. In the early Church is was on this day that
catechumens, those studying to become Christians, to be in union with His
Body: the Church were in fact baptized. During the Lenten Pre-sanctified
Liturgies we have been praying the Litanies for the catechumens and those
preparing for illumination.
Here are the petitions of the Litany of the Catechumens:
That He will teach them the word of truth.
That He will reveal to them the Gospel of righteousness.
That He will unite them to His Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church.
And the petitions for those preparing for illumination:
That the Lord our God will establish them and strengthen them.
That He will illumine them with the light of wisdom and piety.
That He will grant unto them, in His won good time, the laver of regeneration,
the remission of sins, and the garment of incorruption.
That He will beget them with water and the Spirit.
That He will grant unto them perfection in faith.
That He will number them with His holy and chosen flock.
Pascha and the paschal season is not only a time for all us as individual
Christians to renew our Baptismal commitment but to do so especially of
married, because the two have become by their marriage of one flesh.
St. Gregory Palamas for example, used nuptial symbolism to describe the need
for all to be bound to Christ when he wrote: "The consummation of grief is pure
bridal union with the Bridegroom. For this reason St. Paul, after describing a
married couple's union in one flesh as 'a great mystery', added, 'but I say this
with respect to Christ and the Church' (Ephesians. 5: 32). As they are one flesh,
so those who are with God are one Spirit...he who cleaves to the Lord is one
spirit with Him" (Philokalia IV). This should be the character of togetherness in
an Orthodox Christian marriage (Morelli, 2007).
Some Church Fathers and spiritual writers have pointed out that it was not
coincidental that Christ started out his public life with the Miracle of the
Marriage Feast of Cana. St. John tells us: This, the first of his signs, Jesus did
at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory; and his disciples believed in him
(John 2: 11). It is so easy for us to consider the Cana event as very familiar. In
165
fact, it could be viewed as so familiar that we overlook the rich significance of

its meaning.
Gospel commentators tell us "signs are important when used in the gospel.
When the Holy Apostle and Evangelist St. John, describes the miracle of the
Marriage feast of Cana he calls it a sign. So what does the changing of water
into wine mean? What is the significance of this sign? The signs that Jesus
performs are not tricks, or magic or ostentatious prideful manifestations of
power. Jesus is trying to convey to us by a sign: the presence and activity of God
Himself. He is the hand of His father who by the co-action of the Holy Spirit
who reveals the Fathers love and life-giving work in Jesus. We are to look to the
his teachings and actions to guide us. The signs Jesus accomplishes make
known His glory as the true Son of God, and they are intended to show us Him
as our goal. We are to be lead to commitment to Him and His word. He is the
Word the Truth and the Life.
It is so significant that this manifestation takes place in the setting of a wedding:
a holy marriage. By His presence, Jesus blesses the newly-wed couple as they
begin their life together as husband and wife. He continues to bless the
marriages of all who are who come before Him and ask for this blessing to the
present day and will until His second coming. But on a deeper level, Jesus
performing this blessing at a marriage wedding points to the spousal union
between Christ and the Church, with Himself as the bridegroom and the Church
as His spouse, as the bride. This Christocentric spousal union extends to the
household of the Domestic Church the blessed couple will create. They are to
emulate Him in all, especially in self emptying sacrifice.
Three years later, Jesus will conquer sin and death by the ultimate sacrifice He
will make for His bride: the Church. He will ascend the Cross. By His own
sacrificial human death and triumphant Resurrection He tramples sin and
death. This allow us to be baptized in Him, We can now can put Him on. When
we put on Christ we prepare for entry into the eternal wedding feast of Paradise.
Those who are married work at this Sharing the One Flesh.
The petitions in the Litanies of Catechumens and those preparing for
illumination should be considered spiritual guides for the domestic churches.
Truth, the good news of Righteousness, being actively united with the apostolic
Orthodox Church. The Strength to persevere in marital and parenting fidelity.
Wisdom, to make godly decisions about ones own life, marital union and
parenting, That by the water of the cleansing grace of the Spirit, they be
regenerated , forgiven of their sins and thus be numbered as part of His chosen
flock. These petitions become a means for the blessed couple to unite their
baptismal vows with their marital vows and re-commit to Christ in One Flesh.
I always get down to the very practical .. the concrete ... .. where your treasure
is so your heart will be also (Mt. 6:21): Is truth modeled in the household? Do
we speak truth about those around us? Do we speak truth about the events
occurring in the world? For example: Do we point out abortion is wrong? Do we
point out sexual intimacy and together before marriage and all same sex
marriage is wrong and such relationship cannot receive a blessing from God? Do
we know the teachings as revealed to His Church. Do we know, for example, the
166
reasons why God blesses a sexual union only after the couple is crowned to one
another. [Because it is a pledge to sacrifice to one another the way Christ did for
us?] Do we know enough to explain other questions children may have or have a
plan to ask the parish priest?) --- Do we not speak ill of others, spread gossip,
rumors, or disclosing something about others even if true? Do we practice
charity in the family, have a family charity project? Pray together, read
scripture, spiritual reading, the church fathers, comment on evils performed but
pray for those performing them? Do we lovingly monitor our childrens
activities? Are we interested in what they want to talk to us about? For example,
a mother or father may not be interested in baseball, but should be interested in
their childs interest. On the other hand, do we loose our values compasses?
For example, do we let sports replace Divine Liturgy? Do we skip mealtime and
or bedtime prayers? The list could go on. I recommend each family take the
petitions from the beautiful litanies above and make out an family goal plan.
I have mentioned previously the Church is a hospital, the Church is Christ, our
heavenly physician. He came to heal all our infirmities and diseases. The Church
exists to heal our infirmities and diseases, the Domestic Church is meant to heal
our infirmities and diseases. He did this by His Resurrection. Let us cleanse our
baptismal robe, renew or marital commitment and put on Christ. Repentance
and reconciliation can and should be part of our paschal re-commitment of our
baptismal and marital pledges and goals of our domestic churches.
None of the above makes sense if we do not look into the empty tomb and meet
Christ as His apostles and disciples did when He appeared to them after His
Resurrection. All of this is true only if we live the joy of the empty tomb: the
Resurrection by having Christ, the Heavenly Physician indwell in our hearts and
proclaimed to those around us, especially to our families by our thoughts,
words, deeds and actions . As we earlier reflected on the words of St. John: ... if
Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in
vain. Let us now witness: it is not in vain, because the resurrected Christ
enlivens us in a baptismal renewal , and for those married, marital recommitment by His residing in the center of the depth of our hearts.
REFERENCES
Morelli, G. (2007b, August 7). Smart Marriage VII: 'Desperate Togetherness'
and
the
Fear
of
Being
Alone.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageVII.php.
Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1995). The Philokalia,: The
Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St.
Markarios of Corinth. (Vol. 4). London: Faber and Faber.
167
168
V. Rev. Fr. George Morelli Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical

Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist.
Fr. Morelli is the Coordinator of the Chaplaincy and

Pastoral Counseling Ministry of the Antiochian Orthodox
Christian Archdiocese and Religion Coordinator (and
Antiochian Archdiocesan Liaison) of the Orthodox
Christian Association of Medicine, Psychology and
Religion.
Fr. Morelli is a Senior Fellow at the Sophia Institute, an
independent Orthodox Advanced Research Association and Philanthropic Foundation
housed at Columbia University and Union Theological Seminary in New York City that
serves as a gathering force for contemporary Orthodox scholars, theologians, spiritual
teachers, and ethicists.
Fr. Morelli serves on the Executive Board of the San Diego Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Consortium (SDCBTC)
Fr. Morelli serves as Assistant Pastor of St. George's Antiochian Orthodox Church, San
Diego, California.
Fr. Morelli is the author of:
Healing Volume 1
Orthodox Christianity
and Scientific Psychology
Healing Volume 2
Reflections for Clergy
Chaplains, and Counselors
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Good Marriage

Fr. George Morelli

I - How an Attitude of Entitlement Undermines Marriage

Christian marriage is an exalted vocation. Marriage, as the Apostle Paul taught,

title to coerce certain behaviors, He was clear about the consequences of

II. ReciprocityThe One-Way Contract that can Wreck a

Making and keeping relationships requires dedication and work. Relationships

other. Instead, focus on fundamental precept that guides Jesus' teaching: we

is the spouses responsibility to communicate to his partner what his wants,

III. Nagging: The Ultimate Marital Over-Control

Communication, collaboration, negotiation

IV. The Preference Scale

St. John of the Ladder, a prominent Church Father of Orthodox Christianity,

Communication, negotiation, and collaboration are essential tools that

VI. Romantic Love - The Double Edged Sword of Marriage

Most conceptions of human love in today's world focus on romantic attraction.

Selective abstraction -- Focusing on one event and excluding others. In

Magnification or Catastrophizing -- The perception that something is

wants to sell drugs, be allowed to have an affair, etc.), some differences

Morelli, G. (2006a, January 27). Understanding Brokenness in Marriage.

Morelli, G (2006c). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology Fairfax

VII. Desperate Togetherness and the Fear of Being Alone

Love does not insist on its own way (1Cor 13:5).

Behavioral research: Do successful marriages involve having

Shared meaning and Christian marriage

Negative Reinforcement of Undesirable Behavior

Spiritual Considerations: Love Must be Free

Behavioral Intervention: Assertiveness

Psychological Incorporation of Spiritual Freedom

Love Behaviorally Pinpointed

VIII. Rejection Phobia

Arbitrary Inference is drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in

Clinical intervention involved protracted use of the cognitive restructuring

IX. Trapped in a False Definition of Marital Love

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Spiritual considerations: Love Must be Free

Morelli, G (2006b). Healing: Orthodox Christianity and Scientific Psychology. Fairfax

Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your

Perfectionism vs. Striving to be Perfect

even think more of me because I am a good cook. I need more information

mind reading occurs using another cognitive distortion: arbitrary inference.

missing an appointment, being late from work or chore, forgetting a birthday or

Physical, (hitting, battering, etc.);

A Note on Musical Marriage

Orthodox Christian Marriage is Mutual-Equal Respect and Love

Christ-like or satanic about any form of government: autocratic, democratic,

process. It is not that anyone is either imperfect or perfect, rather we "strive"

Christensen, A. & Jacobson, N.S. (2000). Reconcilable Differences. NY: Guilford.

Morelli, G. (2006d, December 21. The Ethos of Orthodox Christian Healing.

XI. The Game Of Relationship Self-Esteem

Morelli, G. (2006c, May 08). Orthodoxy and the Science of Psychology.

The Chief Corporal Works of Mercy

To give drink to the thirsty.

The Chief Spiritual Works of Mercy

Where is the evidence?

account. Two collateral principles have to be practiced and learned in

The Great Saboteur

I started this article with a consideration that overdependency was a barrier to

Morelli, G. (2006d, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian

XIII. The Theology of Marriage and Sexuality

Mind-reading is the unrealistic cognition that one's partner should be

In a world that is broken and disordered, problems will occur. If we respond by

Use of analogy is also effective: "When we receive communion, Jesus is really in