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The Real Outcasts

Written by
Harry J. Chong
Chapter 1: Introducing Charlton Saintcloud
We find ourselves in the North of Canada in a fancy but strange city called Montenegro. In the middle
of this city is a fancy school named Saint Rogers High. It is a high school that's been bought out and
paid for by Rogers Communications, a major telecom, and cable company -- so the rumor goes.
The hallways are filled with kids from ages 13 to 18. They're astoundingly pretty, and talk in an
equally pretty tone. However, some don't find themselves as lucky. Some of them are outcasts. One
person in particular that sticks out is Charlton Saintcloud.
Charlton Saintcloud is what you'd call transgendered. He has the brain of a dude and the body
of a girl. A real mismatch, and a helluva difficult dilemma when you live in a world, where people get
confused in telling the difference between a Nintendo and Playstation.
Actually, Charlton ain't even his real, legal name. No, people used to call him Charlize. That
was his birth name. He was named after, who else, but Charlize Theron. Charlize recently became
Charlton by arm twisting the school's administration, and threatening to sue for $200.00.
Yeah, Charlton didn't take no crap from nobody. He was even less inclined to the bully
population swimming around his space. (Do bulls swim?) Today Charlton found himself being dragged
out of the guy's washroom. They told him he wasn't a guy, and that he should use the place where they
store tampons.
Charlton saw nothing wrong with using the guy's washroom. He only went in when no one was
there, because while he was a rather tough transgendered cookie, he was considerate of other people's
feelings, and didn't want to impose.
Yet they picked on him.
There was this big, angry, stocky fellow named Tarmul that loved giving Charlton a bad time.
Right now he, and his pals, were dunking Charlton's head into the girl's toilet bowl. They got the idea
from watching TV. TV always gave them, as they claimed, hilarious ideas.
Charlton kicked his legs, and braced his arms against the rim of the toilet bowl.
"Gaaaaaaaaah!" said Charlton. "It tastes like you'd imagine!"
"Enjoy it!" said Tarmul. "For it will be your new, and only toilet, once we break your spirit!"
"Why would you want to break my spirit?!" said Charlton. "I'm one of you guys!"
"You ain't no guy," said Tarmul. "You're just an ugly chick, who is having a temporary identity
crisis! This is gender dysphoria more than anything else!"
"Who taught you that?!" said Charlton.
Charlton's head was dunked into the toilet. They gave him some air by flushing out the bowl.
Then after Tarmul and his crew got bored, they left, and went for lunch. Charlton gathered what
remained of his senses, and sat down on the floor. Soaked from head to neck, he got his backpack, and
decided to go outside for some much needed fresh air.
Chapter 2: Introducing Manny Morowitz
Charlton was outside breathing in the fresh, cold as an ice cube Canadian air. He had his hand in his
pockets, staring up at the clouds.
"Hey, queer," said a voice. "What're you up to?"
Charlton looked down to see a dwarf. A rather normal looking normal dwarf as far as dwarves
go, but still a dwarf. This dwarf was named Manny Morowitz, and he was 15 years old. Same as his

transgendered classmate.
"I'm not a homosexual," said Charlton. "I told you. It's like Freaky Friday."
"Ha," said Manny. "I'm not calling you that because I think you're gay. I'm calling you that
'cause you're strange. Like me. We're both strange."
Charlton didn't like being called strange. Manny went into his pocket, and took out a packet of
cigarettes.
"You want one?" he asked.
"No, thanks," said Charlton. "I don't want lung cancer."
"I don't want lung cancer either," said Manny, "but I figure by the time I catch it they'll have a
cure ready to go. After all, we're living in modern times. I own a pocket computer. A FREAKING
POCKET COMPUTER."
"A smart phone?" said Charlton.
Manny lit his cigarette, and started puffing.
"Yeah," said Manny. "That's what they call it."
Charlton sighed.
"What's the matter?" said Manny, leaning against the brickwall. "Tarmul an' his goons picking
on you again?"
"Everyone picks on me," said Charlton. "And if they're not picking on me, they treat me like I'm
invisible, like I don't matter."
"Listen to me," said Manny. "No one in this world matter if you don't got the goods."
"What sorta goods?" said Charlton.
"Scratch, money, riches," said Manny. "You have that and you're made. Otherwise, get the fuck
out."
"Is that my only option?" said Charlton.
"Being sexy helps," said Manny. "How's about you show me some leg? Start wearing a kilt, and
hike it up to show off those hairy legs of yours."
"You're really depressing me," said Charlton.
"Okay, third option," said Manny, "if you wanna have it your way, get real buff, form a little
gang, and become a bully. Fear will get you the respect you want. Now, if you don't want to work out,
you can just find kids smaller than you, and make that your niche. You know any little punks you can
pick on?"
"Only you," said Charlton.
"Whoa," said Manny. "I may be small, but I'm tough as nails, man. I'll punch you in your Sandra
Bollocks, and then when you're down give you a kick to the chin."
"I'm just saying," said Charlton. "You're the smallest guy in our school."
"Fine," said Manny. "So, being an asshole won't work for you 'cause you don't got the guns to
back it up. But then that means you'll just have to accept the way things are. Keep your head low, and
wait until you graduate."
"What if Tarmul goes to the same university as me?" said Charlton.
"Shit!" said Manny. "That kid is dumber than a bag of rocks. He won't be going to university. I
mean he's 18 years old and in the same grade as us. Can you believe that? An 18 year old in the 10th
grade. They kick you out when you're 21 years old. If he don't make marks this year, he is doomed to
working as jizz mopper."
"Don't they usually say flipping hamburgers?" said Charlton.
"No way," said Manny. "Jizz mopper. Flipping hamburgers is way to complex for Tarmul.
Cooking food takes skill."
"Jizz mopping doesn't?" said Charlton.
"You can burn a hamburger," said Manny, "you can't burn a floor. With a mop anyway."
"Knowing him," said Charlton, "he'd find a way."

"Ha, yeah," said Manny. "What a dumbass. I hate his guts. What is up with his name too?
Tarmul? He's not even from the Middle East. His family is from Texas. I saw a video of him on
YouTube riding a bull for the Calgary Stampede."
"Oooh, I hate him even more," said Charlton.
"Why?" said Manny. "How is that possible? I think we were at maximum hate levels here."
"I don't like the cruel treatment of animals," said Charlton. "Animals should not be eaten, and
they should not be ridden on."
"For reals?" said Manny. "You're a vegetarian? Did not know that."
"Gonna make fun of me?" said Charlton. "Because I love animals?"
"Nah," said Manny. "I respect your beliefs. I'm an ethical omnivore myself. I only eat meat that
is certified humane. You know, where the chickens get to roam outside in the sunshine, and play. THEN
THEY DIE VIA CONTROLLED ATMOSPHERE KILLING, AND GET IN MY BELLY FOR DINDIN. MWAH-HA-HA!"
"You should try becoming a vegetarian instead," said Charlton. "You'll be less inclined to yell at
random, and your evil laughter will become normal laughter."
"I'm sorry," said Manny. "I dno't know what got into me. A bad burrito, maybe."
Manny flicked his cigarette into a trash can.
"Welp," he said, "I gots to go. See yah later, kiddo."
"Later," said Charlton.
Chapter 3: Introducing Alvie McBride
Alvie McBride was an albino. He was some sort of genius too, a champion at chess, a hacker, and
tinkerer, but people mostly knew him as Alvie the Albino. He hated that nickname, and his incessant
stutter when he talked to girls.
As of this hour, he was assigned to be Charlton's lab partner. They were dissecting a frog.
Charlton tried refusing on ethical grounds, but was told he's fail the project, and hurt his marks.
Charlton did not want to work his marks. He figured getting high marks, and a scholarship, would be
his ticket out of stinktown.
"Fuckin' hell," said Alvie. "This is disgusting. But oh so fascinating."
"Please," said Charlton, covering his mouth. "Jus' make this quick. I'm about throw up."
Alvie had no problem disssecting the frog. He diced it up like he was a surgeon. All the bits and
bobs fascinated him. He observed how they all worked together, like a team.
"Into the mouth, and out the anus," he was heard remarking.
"Stop," said Charlton. "Please."
"Hey, you know, I just had a thought," said Alvie. "When two people kiss, technically speaking,
they're putting their sphincters together. That's right. A mouth is a sphincter, just like your butt-hole."
Chartlon ran away to the garbage can, and threw up. Alvie barely glanced over his shoulder.
"Jesus," he said, "what a weak stomach!"
Alvie picked up the frog, and pretended like it was dancing. He was singing, "Hello, my baby!
Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag time gal!"
Just then Charlton returned.
"Oh, God," said Charlton. "Stop playing with it. It's disrespectful."
"Who cares?" said Alvie. "It's dead. Also, I don't think frogs have souls. So, it's not like he's up
there in heaven watching us play with his dead body."
"Not 'we'," said Charlton. "You."
"So, just me, is it?" said Alvie. "That means only I should receive grades for cutting up this
amphibian."
Charlton sighed.

"Alright, us. We. You and me," said Charlton.


"Shhhhh," said Alvie. "I can hear its thoughts."
Alvie had the dissected frog on his head, and was wearing it like a hat. To which Charlton rolled
his eyes.
"When will this class be over?" he said.
"Never!" said Alvie. "Science lives forever!"
Chapter 4: Introducing Lilian Starr
Gym Class -- a nerd's worst nightmare, unless she has souped up, robotic limbs, and is playing dodge
ball. Meet Lilian Starr. A black lesbian without arms or legs, yet able to move at lightning speeds due to
advancements in technology. Everyone in gym class hated her, because she was good sports. They all
thought it was an unfair advantage that she had her robotic limbs. Also, she was arrogant as hell.
"Yeah! Take that!" Lilian yelled after tossing a ball at someone's face. "How'd you like them
apples?! Hmm?! Tell me! Is it like apple pie?!"
Charlton was flat on his bottom from being hit. He pulled in his legs, propped his hand on the
floor, and stood up.
"You're not supposed to throw the ball at people's face," said Charlton.
"What are you going to do about it?" said Lilian. "Our teacher's not here, and in a world with
limbs, the girl with the robotic arms and legs rules."
"See, this is why no one likes you," said Charlton. "You're annoying. Oh, you're always going
on about how it's because you're half robot, and you're gay, and you're black, and everyone's jealous
about your athleticism, but I think you're just plain irritating. I mean c'mon! Have some sportsmanship.
Stop acting like such a bitch."
Lilian walked over to Charlton, and grabbed him by his collar.
"You been creepin' on my blog, haven't you?" she said.
"Erm, just a couple pages here and there," said Charlton.
Lilian shook Charlton.
"You bastard!" she said. "You bastard!"
"Why am I a bastard?!" said Charlton while shaking.
"You've been leaving nasty comments on my blog, when I've been trying to express myself
emotionally!" said Lilian.
"I have not!" said Charlton. "Well, one time I said you outfit looked kinda slutty -- but other
than that, no! I haven't said anything nasty!"
Lilian let go of Charlton, and poked him in the chest.
"I don't believe a word you're saying," said Lilian.
"Come on," siad Charlton. "You know I'm not that type. I'd never be a cunt online. Maybe
Tarmul left those comment, huh?"
"Tarmul is barely literate," said Lilian. "He doesn't read for fun. He reads for the purposes of
school, and finding out nutrition facts."
"Ahh, cut him some slack," said Charlton. "He's not as stupid as you think."
Lilian leaned uncomfortably close to Charlton's face. "He thinks Sharkleberry is a real fruit."
"It's not?" said Charlton.
Lilian grabbed Charlton, and threw him onto the ground in the middle of the dodge ball game.
"You think this is a joke?!?" said Lilian. "You went online, and hurt my feelings! My therapist
tells me my feelings are not a joke!"
"Now, now," said Charlton, "relax. I think what we have here is a failure to communicate."
But Lilian was already lunging toward Charlton. The two collided and got into a fight. They put
up their dukes, and punches were exchanged. Well, Charlton threw one punch, and Lilian did the rest.

By the time it was over Charlton was a bloodied mess.


He groaned while writing in pain. "I may have the brain of a dude, but I have the weakness of
little girl."
Lilian picked up a dodgeball, and lobbed it at Charlton's head, finishing him off. She then
dusted off her hands, and walked away, presumably, to go pee. The rest of the class continued playing ,
and paid no mind to their physically destroyed classmate.
"Call the hospital," said Charlton.
Chapter 5: Lance and Marguerite Saintcloud
After finishing his homework, Charlton sat down for dinner. He was at the end of a large rectangular
dining table, where his mom, Marguerite, had laid out a delicious assortment of vegetarian food. Okay,
it wasn't delicious, but it was vegetarian. And then sitting opposite to Charlton was his dad, Lance
Saintcloud.
Lance was a strapping, middle aged man, who worked on an oil rig, while Marguerite was just
the very opposite. Small, delicate, petite.
"Boy, howdy!" said Charlton's dad, Lance. "You done got beat up! You got bruises from sunrise
to sundown!"
Marguerite was in shock. She went over to Charlton and touched his face.
"Honey," she said, "who did this to you?"
"You know why you got beat up?" said Lance. "It's 'cause you're a shemale. Damn them! What
do they have against shemales? Can we not all get along?"
"That's not why I got beat up," said Charlton.
"It doesn't matter what you did," said Marguerite. "We know you're a sweet, little tranny, and
you don't deserve this sort of treatment."
"Erm, thanks," said Charlton. "I think."
"I know how to solve your problems at school," said Lance.
"How?" said Marguerite.
"Guns!" said Lance.
Lance took out a shotgun, which came from wherever, and set it down on the dining table.
"Is that what I think it is?" said Marguerite.
"You take this to school, and you teach 'em a lesson," said Lance. "Show 'em who's da real
MVP. MVP standing for most valuable pimp."
"Put that away," said Marguerite. "Our son is not going to shoot up the school."
"Heeeeeeeeey," said Lance. "I didn't say to shoot it up. Just wave it around and threaten people.
That's all."
"Yeah, then what?" said Marguerite. "He'll be kicked out of school. No, he'll be arrested, and
thrown into prison." She looked at Chartlon, deep into his eyes. "You know what they do to boys like
you, don't you?"
"Rape?" said Charlton.
"WHATWHATWHATWHAT?! Rape?!" said Marguerite. "They rape you in prison?!?!"
"Damnit, Marguerite," said Lance. "Don't you watch the TV? They rape you from sunset to
sundown. I don't think our boy here would do very well. He's got a vagina. I know, I know, it's like
Freaky Friday."
"Yes, Freaky Friday," said Marguerite.
"But still" said Lance. "You should yeep your vagina. Don't you mutilate it, and have it
surgically inverted to turn it into a wiener. A vagina is probably the most powerful thing you will ever
own. People go to war over vaginas. Look at Helen of Troy. She launched 1,000 ships, all on account of
her cooter. They say it was her face, but I don't really but into that. No face is that good looking."

"Also," said Marguerite, "you told me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
Lance seemed to choke on his food. "Um, of course! You are! No one is more beautiful than
you. Your beauty is like the light, reflecting off the rain on a cool summer's day."
"Oh, you really think that?" said Charlton with a grin.
"Don't get started on the guy with the shotgun," said Lance.
Charlton lowered his head.
"No, no, I wasn't being serious," said Lance. "I was demonstrating to you the power of having a
shotgun. Mhm, shotguns are very useful. You can hunt bears, rob banks, get rid of your bullies,
etcetera."
"No guns!" said Marguerite. "Remove your shotgun from the table!"
Lance put away the shotgun.
"And where did you get a shotgun anyway?" said Marguerite. "What is this? The United States
of America?"
"Hey, not a lot of people know this," said Lance, "but you can own guns in Canada. If they're
for hunting and such. You just gotta apply for a license. I'm not sure why more people don't have guns.
They're quite fun. I once shot down an airplane while I was drunk."
"You shot down an airplane?" said Charlton. "While drunk?"
"Whatwhatwhatwhat?!" said Lance. "Who said anything about shooting down an airplane?!?!?!
I never did that! You can't throw me into prison! You have no evidence!"
"Please sit down," said Marguerite.
Lance retracted his pointed finger, and sat back down.
"Er, now," said Lance to Charlton, "what can we do about this bully problem you have? Besides
giving you a gun?"
"How about a pair of nunchuks?" said Charlton. "I can defend myself with kung-fu."
"Sorry," said Lance. "Nunchuks are illegal."
"And guns aren't?" said Charlton.
"Listen," said Lance. "I don't make up these rules. A lot of times the law doesn't make any
sense. In America you can buy a submachine gun, but you'll be damned if you want a chocolate egg
with a toy inside. Yeah, that's right. Submachine gun legal, but chocolage egg with toy inside illegal.
Like what?! Are they living in looney land?!"
"Lance," said Marguerite, "you really must stop picking on the USA. You know I have some
relatives living there? They're very nice people. You remember Uncle Herman? He rides around on that
little scooter of his. He fried us up a turkey when we went down there last Christmas."
"Yes, good ol' Uncie Herman," said Lance. "He introduced me to prickly pear. Mmmm, prickly
pear."
"Mom, dad," said Charlton. "Can I go up to my room? I don't have much of an appetite."
"If you ate some meat you'd have more of an appetite," said Lance.
"I'm not going to eat the flesh of an innocent animal," said Charlton.
"How do you know it's innocent?" said Lance. "What if it was antisemitic?"
"And you would know if it was antisemitic?" said Charlton. "When they don't even speak our
language?"
"93% of communication is body language," said Lance. "When I watch those geese walking
around, ooooh, I get awfully suspicious."
"Okay, dad," said Charlton. "I'm going to go now.'
He then got up from his seat, and left the dining table. He went upstairs into his bedroom. It was
a neat looking room. The walls were orange, and there were various quotes on it colored in turquoise.
Oscar Wilde was one of Charlton's favorite authors. He had a poster of him on his ceiling, above his
bed.
For the uninitiated, here are some quotes of Oscar Wilde: "We are all in the gutter, but some of

us are looking at the stars." and "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Fuck. That's depressing.
"Well," said Charlton, lying down onto his bed, "what a day this has been, Mr. Wilde. I got into
my very first fight. And I lost to a girl. I am now questioning my manliness. But you weren't very
manly, were you? You were quite gay and stylish. You greatly remind me of a pimp, or Stephen fry."
Now, you might be asking yourself, "Why is Charlton talking to Oscar Wilde?"
You see, Oscar Wilde was no ordinary person to Charlton. Oscar Wilde was Charlton's
imaginary best friend. They went on many adventures while he daydreamed, and when he dozed off to
sleep. They were great chums. Charlton was sure they'd be buddies were they to exist in the same time.
Tonight Charlton went to bed, dreaming of Oscar Wilde. They went on a gay (i.e. happy)
adventure in Cloud Land, where everything was perfect. You felt loved, and accepted, and there were
no sorrows in the world whatsoever. Everyone was treated equally. No one got their heart broken,
everyone was rich, all the people were kind, and beautiful, and most of all there were no bullies. It was
a lot like Sweden.
Chapter 6: Biting Back
The fire alarms went off. Was the school having a drill, or, God, yes, was the building actually on fire?
All the students ran outside, and gathered in the field. Everyone grouped into their own groups, while
Charlton stood alone.
But in a moment he was joined by his dwarf pal, Manny, and his albino, lab buddy, Alvie.
"Yo," said Manny. "What's going on?"
"Not much," said Charlton. "What's the frog killer doing here?"
"I'm not a frog killer," said Alvie. "That thing was already dead. I was just being irreverent."
"Fine," said Charlton, "whatever you say."
"Yo," said Manny, "don't give Alvie such a hard time. He is not as big a doofus as you think.
The man knows his stuff."
"Is that so?" said Charlton. "What kinda stuff?"
"Well, well, well," said Alvie, "I'm writing a software program that takes people's faces, and
puts them onto naked bodies."
"What the hell is the point of that?" said Charlton.
"If you must ask what the point is," said Alvie, "you'll never understand."
"You're a real horn dog, eh?" said Manny.
"No," said Alvie. "In fact, I'm asexual. I have no lustful desires in any manner."
"Then what's with the smutware?" said Charlton. "Are you working for Hugh Hefner?"
"Listen," said Alvie. "My software is very special. It analyzes faces, finding the most beautiful
ones, and then puts them on equally attractive naked bodies. You can photographically make perfect
men, and women this way."
"Yes, but what is the point?" said Charlton.
"Money!" said Alvie. "Do you know how much money I make on these photos a day?"
"What, like, $20?" said Charlton.
"No," said Alvie. "More like $5,000. $5,000 a freaking day from advertisements."
"Christ!" said Manny. "Give me a loan!"
"No, I can't," said Alvie. "I'm using it to fund more science projects of mine. I want to be a
world famous scientist, and I'm going to do that by inventing something as ubiquitous as the light bulb
one day. I just need to research more, and use my creative juices."
Alvie took out a can of soda called "Creative Juices" and began drinking it. The fizzy liquid was
bright green.
"Man, oh, man," said Manny. "I can't believe you're this rich. It boggles my mind. Fucking

boggles it. You make in a day what my parents make in a week."


"That's actually a lot of money already," said Charlton.
"I want more money," said Manny.
"Wait a minute," said Charlton. "What about copyright infringement? Aren't you using other
people's photos?"
"That's the best part about it," said Alvie. "The software alters the photos enough that they're
considered new pictures. It's like a collage, I suppose."
"Hmph, aren't you lucky?" said Manny. "You're rich, handsome, and smart. What am I? A
FUCKING POOR DWARF!"
"You're not poor," said Charlton. "Your parents are well off."
"That's not my money," said Manny. "I'm not well off, they are. I have nothing. Also, even if I
was entitled to their money, I'm smart, or handsome."
"And you think Alvie's handsome?" said Charlton.
"Ah, well, no," said Manny, "but he could easily paint his body, and look normal."
"I'm not painting my body," said Alvie. "I mean, I look disgusting, and pasty white, being an
albino and all, but paint is toxic, and uncomfortable. I should know. Last Halloween I painted a bikini
onto myself as a costume. Made me really itchy everywhere. I had hives up in my taint."
"Must you make everything sound yucky?" said Charlton.
"Shh, shh, shh!" said Manny. "The school is about to collapse from the fire! How exciting. I feel
like a kid at a candy shop...outside, watching it burn down."
And so everyone, except Manny, was aghast at their school burning down. The flames engulfed
the red brick building, and collapsed, taking everything with it, including the snacks in the vending
machine. It was a sad day for the teachers, and a so-so one for the students. Not that they celebrated,
but they didn't really care. A burnt school is an extra vacation!
Note: A school burning down it not actually an extra vacation.
Signed,
The Author
Chapter 7: Who Dunnit?
1 week later when the Amish rebuilt the entire school by hand, everything was back to normal. Except
all the students, and faculty, were wondering about what caused the fire. No one really knew, but
rumors were spreading around like wildfire. Not regular fire. Wildfire. Wildfire spreads extra faster,
much faster than normal fire.
"So, who do you think did it?" said Charlton.
"What makes you think someone did it?" said Manny. "Maybe it was an accident?"
"An accident? Ha!" said Alvie. "This has arson written all over it."
Alvie was writing the word "arson" all over the cafeteria table.
"Stop that," said Charlton. "This is serious. I think Finley did it."
"Finley, Finley Sharpe, the autistic kid, who likes to play with matches?" said Manny. "What
makes you think it was him?"
"Well," Charlton explained. "He said: 'I'm going to burn the school down.'"
"What? When was this?" said Manny.
"The day before. I was hiding from Tarmul under the staircase," said Charlton. "That's where I
heard Finley talking about scorching our beloved school."
"Our beloved school?" said Alvie. "You hate this place. It's full of assholes. Not excluding
myself in that equation exactly..."
"Either way," said Charlton, "it was wrong, and I think Finley should get in trouble for what he

did. That autistic, Atheistic, gingery, son of a bitch."


"He's an atheist?" said Alvie. "Hm. I guess he's not such a bad guy after all."
"Hey," said Manny, "isn't it funny how he likes fire, and his hair is the same colour as fire? Kind
of a trippy coincidence, eh?"
"Wait a minute," said Charlton. "You're an Atheist, Alvie?"
"I'm a scientist," said Alvie. "All men of intelligence and science are atheists."
"What about Finley?" said Manny. "He's an atheist, and is straight up retarded. Are you saying
you two are in the same league?"
"Whoa!" said Alvie. "He is not straight up retarded. Autistic people can genuinely be quite
smart. Did you not see that Tom Cruise movie? What was it called? Top Gun?"
"Oh yeah, I remember that," said Manny. "Even though he was autistic, along with his autistic
friend, Val Kilmer, they could both fly their airplanes really well."
"I find that fascinating," said Charlton. "You can have a mental deficiency yet be really talented
at something. Like Kanye West. He has, like, an IQ of 72, yet he spits rhymes like it's no one's
business."
"Mm, yes, I agree," said Alvie. "Kanye West is retarded, but is excellent at creating lyrics, and
mixing music. He's like a really good DJ. And his wife is a total w --"
"Shh!" said Charlton. "Here comes Finley. I'm gonna get to the bottom this."
Charlton stood up, and stepped in front of Finley. Finley squinted, and adjusted his big, round
glasses. He had a real mop top going on, so his hair kinda got in the way.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" said Finley.
Charlton was taken aback.
"Whoa, easy," he said. "Not so loud. I'm standing right in front of you."
"Sorry," said Finley, "I sometimes have problems controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE. I
imagine if someone was recording what I was saying in a book it would come out as capital letters.
Don't you think? Capital letters are like someone is screaming at you."
"Right," said Charlton. "I have a few questions for you..."
"Does it, does it, does it involve crocodiles?" said Finley. "Or bananas? I've been reading about
these wonderful creatures, and I am fascinated. Did you know that a crocodile shaped like a banana,
and bananas shaped like a crocodile weigh approximately the same weight? It's because of the
buoyancy factors."
"What in the world are you talking about?" said Charlton.
"I was only kidding around," said Finley. "I was pulling on your pud. Yee-he-he!."
"Listen," said Charlton. "I need to talk to you for a minute. You got a minute?"
When Finley nodded he rocked his whole body back and forth.
"I do got a minute," said Finley. "Many minutes!"
Charlton took Finley to a corner in the cafeteria, away from all the other students.
"Finley," said Charlton, "look, I think you're an alright guy, but we all know what you've been
up to. I don't wanna be a snitch, so I'm telling you to turn yourself in now. It's the right thing to do. And
anyway you don't have much of a choice: confess or be outed. Will you go out like a man?"
"You're not a man," said Finley.
"I am too!" said Charlton. "It's like Freaky Friday."
"Don't know what Freaky Friday is," said Finley.
"Okay," said Charlton. "It's like... Microsoft Windows running on an Apple Mac. ...No, wait! I
don't want to be Windows! It's more like, um, OS X on a PC."
"Ah, okay, I get it," said Finley. "Now, what did you want from me again?"
"You set the school on fire," said Charlton. "I want you to go to the the principal and confess."
"That's stupid," said Finley. "If I was guilty why would I confess?"
"Because I'll tell the principal myself then," said Charlton.

"You have no evidence against me!" said Finley. "I didn't do it!"
Finley pushed Charlton out of the way, and ran away with his arms in the air.
"Come back!" cried Charlton.
But it was too late. Finley had disappeared. Charlton went back to his table, and sat down with
his chums, Manny, and Alvie.
"What happened?" said Manny. "We saw Finley run off."
"Erm, I'm not sure," said Charlton. "I think he did it. I don't really know. I tried to make him
confess, but he wouldn't gimme anything. Normally, I can tell whether someone's lying by reading their
facial gestures, but he is a tricky one. His fantastic autism threw me off. Perhaps Finley truly is a
mastermind, like Tom Cruise?"
Alvie looked over his shoulder.
"Let's talk about this later," Alvie whispered. "The ears have walls."
"What?" said Manny.
"Damnit, I mean the walls have ears," said Alvie, correcting himself.
Charlton took notice of the students across from him, whispering, and putting their hands by
their mouths as if passing along secrets. He suspected that he was in for more than he bargained for -and then some.
Chapter 8: Mrs. Pumpernickel
The next day Charlton, Manny, and Alvie met in the library. They went to the back where they could
discuss the case of the school fire.
"Alright," said Charlton, "I think I'm going to turn in Finley."
"You're gonna snitch?" said Manny. "I didn't think you were the type. Don't be a snitch bitch."
"I'm not a snitch," said Charlton. "I'm a whistle blower. Know the difference."
"what's the difference?" said Alvie.
"A whistle blower snitches on someone for something important," said Charlton. "A snitch
snitches for the slightest reason. You know when you're kid, and then your sister tells on you because
you stole a cookie before dinner? That is a snitch."
"Oooh, that little bitch," said Alvie.
"It's an example," said Charlton. "I don't have a sister."
"Still, your story got me riled up," said Alvie. "I really like cookies. They're such a delicious
treat."
Alvie went into his pocket, and took out a cookie to eat. He bit into it, making loud crunch
noises. Crumbs dropped all about the floor.
"You're making a mess," said Manny. "And if you don't have cookies for the rest of us, then
don't you be eating that while we're hungry."
Alvie distributed cookies to Manny and Charlton.
"Mmm," said Manny while eating a jellybean cookie. "This is a good cookie. You used those
tiny, little, gourment jelly beans didn't you? It's like a dozen flavors in my mouth at a time. I can taste
the cinnamon bun and pears."
"Let's get back on topic," said Charlton. "What do I do about Finley?"
"Bah, forget it," said Manny. "Don't put your neck on the line. Let him do whatever he wants. If
he really did it they'll catch him eventually."
"Okay," said Charlton, "but --"
At this moment the school's librarian, Miss Pumpernickel, appeared. She marched between the
aisle of juvenile fiction, and confronted the trio.
"Excuse me," said Miss Pumpernickel. "Do I hear talking in my library?"

Miss Pumpernickel had her hands on her hips. She was looking very aggressive. Her glasses
looked like cat eyes, and had those strings you attach to them, so they don't fall off. Miss Pumpernickel
wasn't more than 35 years old, but she had short, very gray hair. The books had aged her somehow. Or
was it the people who borrowed them?
"Hello!" said Miss Pumpernickel. "Are we deaf here? I ask you three a question."
"Look, Miss Pumpernickel," said Charlton. "Here's the thing --"
"RUN!" said Manny. "She doesn't know who we are! She's a loner of a woman!"
Before Charlton fully knew what was going on, Manny, and Alvie were leggin' it top speed.
They race out of the library, and escape the clutches of their crabby librarian. Manny, not one to be left
out, somersaulted through Miss Pumpernickel's wide open legs, and began running too. Miss
Pumpernickel tried giving chase, but tripped on a book (called the Alchemist) laying on the ground, and
fell onto her face.
It went splat!
Chapter 9: Lilian Rises
Charlton, Manny, and Alvie escaped to the outside world. After running away from the librarian, they
found themselves in a field just outside of the school's jurisdiction by the rusty train tracks. They
gathered by a half dead tree to catch their breath. Charlton was resting his hands on his knees.
"Jesus Christ," he said. "Next time you guys decide to leg it, let me know ahead of time, huh?"
"And how would we let you know," said Alvie, "without giving away our plan?"
"Gimme a signal or something," said Charlton. "I dunno, wink at me."
"But I did wink at you," said Manny. "I did this."
Manny winked at Charlton. With both eyes. At the same time.
"What? What's that?" said Charlton.
"I'm winking at you," said Manny.
He did it again.
"That's not winking," said Charlton. "You can only wink one eye at at time. It looks like you're
just blinking."
"I thought I was emphasizing," said Manny. "Two heads are better than one, that sort of thing,
right?"
"No," said Charlton.
"I really think you're being pedantic here," said Alvie. "Because you can close one eye at a time
without it being a wink. A wink is a wink based on its timing. When you close your eye you close it just
a little longer than usual, and it's coupled with a facial expression. So, sure, Manny did two eyes at the
same time, but you should've been able to grok from his timing, and facial expression that he was doing
a double wink."
Charlton literally pulled at his hair.
"It's not the same when you close both eyes!" he said.
He stuck up his middle finger.
"Look at this," he said. "When I stick up my index finger it becomes a peace sign. See! One
extra thing added in makes the difference."
"I think you'll find yourself wrong," said Alvie. "That is actually an insulting gesture as well."
"What say you?" said Manny.
"Nay," said Alvie. "That is interpreted as a 'V for victory' sign in the beloved United Kingdom.
Which basically means 'up yours, hoser.'"
Charlton folded his arms.
"My point still stands," he said.
"Hey, you guys," said Finley.

"What the?!" said Charlton. "Where'd you come from?"


Finley stepped under the shade of the tree. He was holding two ice cream cones.
"How you doing?" said Finley. "Anyone want a cone? I chased after the ice cream truck, and
when I fell he the ice cream man gave me two ice cream cones, because he felt sorry for me. How cool
is that?"
"Yeah, I'll take a cone," said Manny.
Finley handed Manny an ice cream cone, and they both began eating their ice cream.
"What kind of ice cream is that?" said Alvie.
"It's vanilla, and sprinkles," said Manny.
"I mean what brand?" said Alvie.
"Why does that matter?" said Manny.
"I dunno, I'm skeptical of Chinese brand ice cream," said Alvie.
"I don't think it's Chinese," said Charlton. "It's probably Mister Softie or something like that."
"Maybe it's Chapman's?" said Alvie. "It's a good Canadian brand of ice cream. You heard of it?"
"It's not Chapman's," said Manny. "But it would be nice if it was Chapman's. I like Chapman's.
Best ice cream in the world."
"What is this an advertisement for Chapman's ice cream?" said Charlton.
"Don't knock Chapman's ice cream," said Finley. "It's the only type of ice cream my mom buys
for me. She told me she doesn't want to support Communist ice cream companies. Oh, and something
about value for your money."
"Can we stop talking about ice cream for a minute?" said Charlton. "I'm starting to regret not
accepting that ice cream cone offer."
"If you want some ice cream, I can buy you some ice cream," said Alvie.
"Oh, thank you, Mister Money," said Manny. "How generous of you when you're make
thousands of dollars a day selling porno."
"It's not porno," said Alvie. "It's art."
"What's the difference between porno and art anyway?" said Charlton.
"A government grant," said Finley.
Everyone around the tree laughed. A good, hard, belly laugh.
"Wait a minute," said Alvie. "You stole that joke from 'Family Guy.' That's copyright
infringement, it is."
"So what?" said Finley. "You wanna fight about it?"
Finley pointed with his ice cream cone, causing the top to fall off. Alvie sniggered.
"My Kony 2012!" Finley yelled.
He began crying. Charlton patted him on the shoulder.
"Hey, hey, relax," said Charlton. "We'll get you another one... Won't we, Alvie?"
"Why? I'm responsible for that?" said Alvie. "He shouldn't have been pointing with his ice
cream cone so flagrantly. It's his fault. And also did he say 'My Kony 2012'?"
"Pipe down!" said Manny. "Here come the bastards."
Tarmul and his crew appeared on the horizon. They walked down the train tracks, and went to
the tree, where Charlton and the others were.
Tarmul had a dumb grin on his face.
"Ladies," said Tarmul. "How you doing, ah?"
"I won't take no flak from you," said Manny. "You got the IQ of a gorilla! And not a smart
gorilla. The type that don't know sign language."
Tarmul jumped forward, and grabbed Manny by the leg, hoisting him into the air.
"Easy now," said Manny, who was hanging upside down, unintimidated. "Your strong gorilla
arms might do me some permanent damage."
"He's just joking around," said Charlton. He gave a fake laugh. "Ha-ha-ha."

"I'm not joking around," said Manny. "I mean it. This gorilla could tear me limb from limb. And
that's no way to do, is it? I want to die while shagging a cute bird, not being torn apart by this dirty
gorilla."
"Ew!" said Finley. "You want to have sex with an animal! Bestiality! Bestiality!"
"Listen, Tarmul," said Alvie. "Just put our friend down. I promise I can make it worth your
while."
"Unless you're gonna suck my dick," said Tarmul, "I don't think you will."
"Wait," said Charlton. "So, you're gay now? I did not know that."
"What?" said Tarmul. "I'm not gay. You're gay."
"You're the one who wants to suck my friend's dick," said Charlton.
"Gah, it's an insult," said Tarmul. "I'm being symbolic."
"Am surprised you know what the word 'symbolic' means," said Manny. "After all, you are a
gorilla."
"Shut up, you fucking midget!" Tarmul cried.
He then took up Manny, lifted him above his head, and tossed him as far as his arms would
allow.
As Charlton, Alvie, and Finley gasped at the sight Manny tucked into a ball, and rolled onto the
ground, dispersing his energy, and saving himself from getting injured. He stood up, waddled back to
Tarmul, and put his hands on his hips, even more defiant than before.
"Is that the best you got?" said Manny.
Finley, seeing Manny's manly courage, stepped in front, and stepped up to Tarmul too.
"YAAAH!" said Finley. "Is that the best you got?! You ugly, stupid, gay gorilla!"
Tarmul did not reply verbally. He only replied by snapping his fingers, and pointing at Finley. In
a moment Tarmul and his crew were all over Finley, smacking him up, while he laid on the ground
curled in a ball.
"Oh, no!" said Charlton. "They're beating up Finley! What do we do?"
"I'll tell you what we do," said Alvie. "We let them wear themselves down, and then when
they're tired, we'll jump in, and finish them off."
"That's a good plan," said Manny. "Why join now? Let them tire themselves out first."
"Serious?" said Charlton. "Is this what we are? A fellow man is having the daylights beaten out
of him, and we're going to wait till the bastards get tired before helping?"
"I'm a dwarf," said Manny. "What can I do? Bite them on the leg? Ah, not a bad idea either...!"
Manny ran straight into the scuffle, hooked himself onto Tarmul's leg, and bit into his juicy calf.
Tarmul screamed in pain. Tarmul managed to kick off Manny, and send him tumbling intot he dirty. He
rolled up his sleeves and marched over him as he was dazed.
"I'm gonna kick your ass," said Tarmul.
Tarmul grabbed Manny, and pulled back his fist for a potentially mighty punch. As Manny
squirmed trying to get free, a figured appeared in the distance. It ran ahead, and charged for Tarmul. It
was but a blur, and then Tarmula felt two metal feet crashing into his thick skull. He was knocked out
cold.
Manny looked up. Lilian Starr stood above him. She put out her hand.
"Need any help?" she said.
Manny gave Lilian his hand and was pulled up.
"Stay here," said Lilian. "I'm going to deal with this.
In a flash Lilian jumped into scuffle. She used her robotic arms, to batter Tarmul's crew, who
was beating on Charlton, Alvie, and Finley. It was easy work for her as she was incredibly athletic. All
the parts of her that weren't robotic looked like they were carved from marble.
In a short amount of time all of Tarmul
"Welp," said Lilian, placing her hands on her hips before a destroyed pile of teenagers, "looks

like I've done a good job here."


Charlton, Alvie, and Finley slowly stood up.
"Thanks for helping us," said Finley, while checking his mouth for a loose tooth. "You really
gave it to 'em good. Right up their asses."
"YAH!" said Finley. "Assesss! You kicked their asses!"
"I guess this makes us even," said Charlton. "For, you know, the time you beat me up."
"It does not make us even," said Lilian. "You still left me those nasty comments on my blog.
You called me a dildo dyke, and then you asked me why I wear a strap-on when I don't like me; why
not have the real thing?"
"Listen, I didn't leave those comments," said Charlton. "As a young white male, I'm an
oppressed minority myself. I'd never be so rude to someone who's in the same boat as me."
"We are not in the same boat," said Lilian. "Being gay is totally trendy. And same with being
disabled. Oscar Pistorius is hella popular. I have a huge poster of him on my bedroom wall. He's
basically my hero."
"Wait a minute," said Alvie. "Oscar Pistorius from South Africa? The so called 'Blade Runner'?
Didn't he murder his girlfriend?"
"You think I'm stupid?" said Lilian. "I know he's a murderer."
"And you admire a murderer?" said Alvie.
"Look! Stop pressing me," said Lilian. "He's the only person we disabled people have got to
admire. There's no one alive that's like him. I don't have many options here. Also, he said it was an
accident."
"So, you're giving him a pass because he's famous, huh?" said Alvie. "Ah, yes, blinded by fame.
Terrible."
"I'm terrible?" said Lilian. "The other day I was talking to some people about their sports
heroes. Do you know who a lot of people admire? People admire Mike Tyson. Do you know how many
people he's assaulted? He used to hit his girlfriends, and wives. He was a cheater. He snorted crack
around children, and he's a convicted rapist. Oscar Pistorius isn't that bad compared to him, okay?"
"I saw that trial, it made me so angry," said Charlton. "I still think Oscar Pistorius is a twat."
"YEAH!" said Finley. "What a twat."
"He's definitely a twat," said Manny. "Oh and Mike Tyson too. He is the biggest twat."
"Twat-o-rama," said Alvie.
"FINE! FINE!" said Lilian. "They're both twats! And they're worthless piles of shit too!"
"Whoa," said Alvie. "We never said they were worthless piles of shit. Surely, despite their
crimes they have some value to society. If the time comes when we're trapped in a fortified bubble,
with Mike Tyson, and Oscar Pistorius, Mike Tyson can punch a medium sized hole through the bubble,
and then Oscar Pistorius can slip through, and run to call help."
Everyone turned their heads toward Alvie.
"What?" said Alvie.
"Seriously?" said Manny. "We're going to get trapped in a fortified bubble?"
"You guys need to watch more sci-fi movies," said Alvie. "It will enrich your lives. Firefly
anyone?"
Everyone stared blankly at Alvie.
"Bah," he said, "never mind."
At this moment Tarmul and his crew began groaning. They were stirring awake.
"We best be getting on then," said Manny. "Tarmul and his bastards are going to wake up."
"To the Batmobile!" said Alvie.
Alvie ran off, and the others followed behind. They went inside the school, and got snacks from
the vending machine. The sugar made Finley spaz out.

Chapter 10: Tarmul Meets Handsome Sam


Tarmul walked alone through the hallways, with his head down, and his shoulders sagged. He lost his
status as top dog when all the school heard he was beat up by a girl. His crew abandoned him and went
on to greener pastures. He was sad, but he was an asshole, so no one really cared about him. He went to
his locker, and opened it up. He stuck his head inside, and had a good sob.
Someone passing by saw this, and shoved Tarmul's back, pushing his head into the back of the
locker which made a good smack! sound. Tarmul turned around, and saw some fellow kids laughing at
him. He raced in front of them, and stepped in their way.
"Who pushed me?" said Tarmul. "I demand answers!"
He clenched his fists.
The redheaded, spiky haired kid named Jones pointed to himself with his thumb. He had on a
real rad skull t-shirt, with the sleeves cut off to show off his skinny, untanned arms that had many
freckles along the top.
"Was me," said Jones. "What're you gonna do about it?"
Tarmul took in a deep breath. "I'm going to kick your --"
Jones stepped forward, and put his face in Tarmul's face, so close that they both almost touched
noses.
"What?" said Jones. "What? You worthless Texan. You think you can come here to our country,
steal our jobs, and push us around? I ain't scared of you. You're a pussy cat without your crew. You're
nothing, brah."
"Alright," said Tarmul, "so that's the way it's gonna be?"
"Yeah," said Jones. "So, check yo' self before you reck yo' self. Notice how I said 'yo'' instead of
'you.' It's real bad ass talk, innit?"
"Real bad asses don't said bad ass," said Tarmul.
"And you should know? Huh?" said Jones. "You know about bad assery? You got beaten up by
a girl with no arms and legs."
"She has robotic arms and legs," said Tarmul. "They're much more powerful than regular arms
and legs.
"Ha, some excuse," said Jones.
Jones bitch slapped Tarmul in his face. Tarmul looked up with one eye as Jones, and his friends
walked past him. Tarmul wiped his tears, and shuffled through the hallway. As he was walking a hand
tapped on his shoulder.
"Leave me alone!" he said. "I'm not a pussy cat!"
"Chillax," said the very British sounding voice. "I'm not here to bother you. By the way, chillax
means to chill and relax. I picked it up from a TV show I watched. It was cool beans."
Tarmul warily turned around, and came face to face with the most handsome person he had ever
seen. Handsome Sam as he was known, he was tall, had long legs, and a muscular upper body, and
lower body. His face was perfectly symmetrical, as much as his perfectly straight, white teeth, and he
had thick, luscious black hair, in addition to dark, piercing eyes. He was a very fashionable fellow, who
was born in Guanzhong, China.
Yet he had a British accent. Why? He thought it was the proper way to speak. He used to speak
more like a Canadian, but then he saw the movie 300, and was really impressed at their English
accents; so, he decided to mimic it.
"Grrrrr, what do you want?" Tarmul growled. "Have you come here to laugh at the beast?!
AhaaHaHaHaAHAHaHaHaahahaha! Very funny! I got beat up by a girl! A girl with robotic arms! So
HIGH-Larious!"
"Listen to me," said Handsome Sam. He looekd into a mirror he had gotten from his pocket, and
combed back his luscious hair. "I'm not here to mock you. I'm not that low of a person. I'm here to help

you. I hear you're in need of help, and here I am."


"What can you do?" said Tarmul. "You're a pretty boy."
"I'd say I'm more handsome than pretty," said Sam. "But I think you should take my help."
"Why do you want to help me?" said Tarmul. "I'm a loser."
"And you're fat," said Sam, "but I like you."
"You like me?" said Tarmul. "Why? 'Cause you're scared of me?'
Sam grabbed Tarmul, and Judo flipped him onto the ground. He put his knee onto his chest, and
pushed down at his lungs.
"No," said Sam. "I'm not afraid of you. Or anyone else. I'm a black belt in several martial arts."
"I can't breathe," said Tarmul. "I, I, I can't breathe -- !"
Sam helped up Tarmul, and dusted him off as if he cared about him.
"Sorry about that," said Handsome Sam. "I was only demonstrating my skills. Nothing more
than that. Didn't mean to hurt you, or bruise your ego. But hey, lucky I'm not a cop, or you would be
dead."
"What's that mean?" said Tarmul.
"Police abuse people," said Handsome Sam. "Anyway, as I was saying. I like you. I like you a
lot, in a non-homosexual way. I'd like to help you out. You remind me of me."
"I do?" said Tarmul.
"Not looks wise," said Handsome Sam, "but otherwise."
"Otherwise. huh?" said Tarmul.
"I see you got a samurai spirit," said Handsome Sam, "and we samurais hate seeing other
samurais down on their luck. That's why I want to give you a hand. I'm going to return you to your
former glory."
"Yeah?" said Tarmul. "I'll get my crew back, and I'll be able to kick in heads, and pick on people
smarter than me because I'm threatened by their intelligence?"
"Exactomundo," said Handsome Sam. "And if you want you can kick your dog."
"I'm not that bad of a person," said Tarmul. "Shit. Adolf Hitler didn't kick his dog."
"Adolf Hitler was kind to animals," said Handsome Sam. "He wasn't as bad as everyone
thought."
"You like Hitler?" said Tarmul.
"Of course," said Handsome Sam. "I admire how he crushed those Jews. I also admire his
political skills, and his investment into technology. Technology is extremely important. Hell. If it wasn't
for Hitler humans would have never landed on the moon. Goddamn, Ugly, retarded, gun toting
Americans should thank Hitler for landing on the moon. I wish they would've carried a Nazi flag up
there."
"I'm not so sure I want your help," said Tarmul. "It's not worth it."
He turned around, and began walking away. Handsome Sam whistled, and out from seemingly
nowhere a group of Ninjas blocked Tarmul's way.
"What the fucking shit?!" said Tarmul, who was in great shock indeed. "You have ninjas
working for you?!"
"Stop with the interrobangs," said Handsome Sam. "Yes, I have ninjas. Of course I have ninjas.
I am a man of extraordinary wealth. It means I can afford to hire ninjas, and prostitutes. British
prostitutes. My nickname is the Poundstretcher in the England, because I pound girls, and stretch 'em
out with my wiener."
"Wiener, huh?" said Tarmul.
"I mean my huge, veiny cock," said Handsome Sam. "My huge, gigantic, sweat, huge, large,
throbbing, veiny cock."
"Ew," said Tarmul. "That's gross." He turned around. "I don't believe you."
"You racist!" said Handsome Sam. "You think because I'm Chinese I don't get a big one. Let me

tell you the rumors are fake. We are all packin'."


"Heh, sure," said Tarmul.
"It's true," said Handsome Sam. "We just lied to everyone to make others more comfortable
around us, and to be more accepted. Also, there are many benefits to having people think you got a
small one."
"I doubt that," said Tarmul.
"Think about it," said Handsome Sam. "Let's say you're a Chinaman, and you, and a nigger are
up for a job interview. You're both equally skilled. Who do yuo think is going to get the job?"
"I dunno," said Tarmul. "The Chinese guy."
"But why?" said Handsome Sam.
"They think he's harder working," said Tarmul.
"NO!" said Handsome Sam. "They give the Chinaman the job because they think he has a little
penis, and they feel sorry for him. Also, manager-types tend to be threatened by those who have bigger
penises than them, which, interestingly enough, is most people. Including women."
"Bullshiat," said Tarmul. "Prove it. Prove to me you got a huge one."
"Why? Are you gay?" said Handsome Sam. "Why do you want to see my penis?"
"I AM NOT GAY," said Tarmul. "I'm not a faggot. I'm just skeptical is all. I mean a Chinese
man with a big pee-pee? That's like a unicorn, or an Irish person, who doesn't get sunburnt."
"Fine, I'll prove it to you," said Handsome Sam. "But after I show you, you gotta have a
meeting with me in my office."
"You have an office?" said Tarmul.
"Like a boss," said Handsome Sam.
"OK," said Tarmul. "I'll come for a meeting in your office, if you have a big one. But if it's less
than 7 inches, I won't accept."
"No problem," said Handsome Sam, and he pulled down his pants, and showed Tarmul his
penis. It was huge. Egregiously huge. Like the size of a three Subway sandwiches all sitting next to
each other.
Tarmul put on sunglasses to protect his eyes from the glistening of Handsome Sam's penis, and
the ninjas shielded their faces with their arms. How could anyone have such a monster sized penis?
And not be in pornography? Shit. You could skewer someone with that thing.
"This is disgusting," said Tarmul. "I feel like throwing up. Just staring at it makes my skin
crawl."
"So, about that meeting in my office?" said Handsome Sam.
"Put that anaconda away," said Tarmul, "and I'll meet up with you."
"Is it a deal?" said Handsome Sam.
"It's a deal," said Tarmul.
"Let's shake on it," said Handsome Same.
Handsome Sam shook his oversized penis.
"Oh, God, stop," said Tarmul. "I think I'm gonna hurl."
At this moment the door to classroom opened, Mr. Stanley's math class. Mr. Stanley, who had a
strong resemblance to Luigi from Super Marios Bros, stepped outside, and stared at Handsome Sam's
flaccid wing wang, and his group of bodyguard ninjas.
"What in the holy ghost is going on here?!?!?!" Mr. Stanley exclaimed. "Why are there ninjas
here?!"
"Fuck you, Mr. Stanley!" Handsome Sam exclaimed.
Then he, and his gang of ninjas, and Tarmul ran off like deers in a forest.
"Boy," said Mr. Stanley. "That kid had one big dong. I'm so jealous."
Chapter 11: The Meeting

Outside Saint Rogers High, Tarmul was following Handsome Sam. Handsome Sam led them past the
train tracks, and into the nearby forest. They hiked down a path, and came to circular clearing, where
there was a roaring fire in the middle, a desk, a cabinet, and three chairs: a leather office chair, and two
arm chairs for guests. Also, off to the side, a porta-potty, and a solar powered refrigerator.
"Welcome to my humble abode," said Handsome Sam. "This is where I come to relax, think,
and take a shit in private. Hate taking a shit in public toilets. What's to stop people from reaching under
the stall and yanking away my pants?"
"Hm, so, this is your office then?" said Tarmul. "Do you just leave that fire unattended?"
"Yes," said Handsome Sam. "I dislike those environmentalists telling me to reduce my carbon
footprint."
Handsome Sam picked up a red canister full of gasoline, and poured it into the fire to make it
bigger. He then sat down on his leather chair, and spun around. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
"Christ Almighty, Lord Buddha," said Tarmul. "You are insane."
Handsome Sam banged his fist on his desk.
"I am not insane!" said Handsome Sam. "I'm eccentric, and I have a grand vision for the future.
Please, sit down."
Tarmul sat down in one of the armchairs. Handsome Sam put his fingers together like Angela
Merkel.
"What is this grand vision you speak of?" said Tarmul.
"Like the United States of America, specifically Texas," said Handsome Sam, "I too wish for
world domination, oppression, and conformity."
"Don't you mouth off about Texas," said Tarmul. "It's the best country in the world."
"Simmer down," said Handsome Sam. "I was paying you racists a compliment. Now, listen to
me, Yankee, I have a proposal for you. "
"I'm listening," said Tarmul.
"I want you to be my right hand man," said Handsome Sam. "You're big, and meaty, and
muscular, and the strongest kid I know without morals. What do you think?"
"So, you want me to work for you?" said Tarmul. "What will I get in return?"
"You heard what I told you before," said Handsome Sam. "I'll get you back to the horrific
prestige you once had. And I'll pay you in sandwiches. Do you like sandwiches?"
"Sure do," said Tarmul. "What you got?"
Handsome Sam opened his solar powered refrigerator, and got out a sandwich. He tossed it to
Tarmul casually. Tarmul opened the bread slightly, and looked in to see a feast of meat. He immediately
began eating.
"Mmm, so good," said Tarmul, while licking his lips. "It's drenched in mayo and hot sauce."
"There's more where that came from," said Handsome Sam. "If you join me."
"This is like 80% meat," said Tarmul. "It's mostly meat. I can hardly taste the bread."
"I intended it that way," said Handsome Sam. "I always pack my sandwiches full of meat,
because I like the idea of animals suffering, and dying for my enjoyment."
"Boy, you're evil," said Tarmul, "and antisemitic."
Handsome Sam saluted an imaginary Adolf Hitler.
"SIEG HEIL!" he said. "This means 'hail [to] victory.' Pretty cool, huh? I read about it in a
World War 2 book I borrowed from my friend... Hmph! What an education system we have! They
never even tried teaching us about World War 2 in history class. Those lazy, fucking, idiotic, retarded
teachers. They're all retarded!"
"You're so full of hate," said Tarmul. "I like it."
"Yeahhh, I hate a lot of different things," said Handsome Sam. "Most of all people. Especially
ugly people. Why are they ugly people on this planet? You'd think that evolution would've weeded

them out by now."


"What can yah do?" said Tarmul. "Ugly people do all the work."
"Yes, that is a good point," said Handsome Sam. "But I think they should all be dead. We
shouldn't live in a world where there are ugly people. Ugh, every time I go out, I see them. It makes me
shiver."
"I think you'll have to live with it," said Tarmul.
"Anywaysssssssssss," said Handsome Sam, "I'm just gonna put that idea in my pocket until I'm
ready to pursue. For now, I shall carry out my other plans."
"What plans?" said Tarmul.
Handsome Sam sat down, and took out his laptop computer. He logged onto a website for
blogging. He began typing furiously.
"I'm leaving mean comments on this dyke's website," said Handsome Sam. "I hate her so much.
Her and her stupid lack of legs and arms."
"Oh," said Tarmul. "That girl who beat me up?"
"Yeah, Lilian Starr," said Handsome Sam. "She's so annoying. I want to take a dildo, and slap
her in the head with it. But I don't want to be seen with a dildo. People might think I"m gay. I hate gays
by the way. Do you hate gays?"
"I hate all people who are different than me," said Tarmul.
"Yeah, he-he-he, different people are so stupid," said Handsome Sam. "We should all be the
same -- like me! Handsome, and smart, and wonderful!"
Tarmul yawned.
"Hey, I have to get back to class," he said. "I have to get back to class soon."
"Why?" said Handsome Sam. "Just skip it."
"Nah, my parents are gonna get mad at me," said Tarmul. "Plus, if I don't pass all my classes
this semester, then I fail high school."
"Listen," said Handsome Sam. "If you become my right hand man, and concentrate on helping
me, I can change that for you."
"You can?" said Tarmul.
"Everything's done on computer now," said Handsome Sam. "All I have to do is a little hacking,
and I can change your grades, and I can get nude photos of slutty celebrities. Just the sluts though. Non
-sluts aren't taking naked photos of themselves."
Tarmul thought for a moment.
"Alright," he said. "If you change my grades, feed me more meaty sandwiches, and make me a
feared bully again, I'll work for you. I'll be your right hand man."
Tarmul stood up to shake Handsome Sam's hand, but Handsome Sam was reluctant.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Handsome Sam. "Whoa, whoa. First things first."
"What?" said Tarmul.
"I need to test the waters first," said Handsome Sam. "You need to do one task for me first, and
if I'm pleased, I'll take you in."
"Damnit, jumping through more hoops?" said Tarmul. "Forget it. I don't want to be your right
hand man. I don't wanna be a lackey."
"You're not a lackey," said Handsome Sam. "You're my right hand man. It's like Star Wars. I'm
Darth Sidious, and you're Darth Vader. Oh, except I'm handsome like Han Solo. That's the key
difference here."
"I dunno," said Tarmul.
"Don't you want to be Darth Vader?" said Handsome Sam.
"I do," said Tarmul, "yes, I do...but what do I gotta do to do that?"
Handsome Sam opened one of his desk drawers, and took out a large yellow envelope. He
handed it to Tarmul.

"Take this packet to Principal Scooter," said Handsome Sam. "Don't look inside it."
"Is it pornography?" said Tarmul. "Specifically, child pornography? I heard he's a pedophile. He
has that weird moustache."
"No, it's not child pornography," said Handsome Sam. "I mean, I'm evil, but not that evil."
"Alright, cool then," said Tarmul. "I'll take this to the principal."
"Oh, and if you are going to be my right hand man," said Handsome Sam. "Could you talk in a
spirited British accent? I think it will be good if our accents matched."
Tarmul cleared his throat.
"What's all this then?" said Tarmul. "You takin' the piss, mate?"
Handsome Sam scratched his head.
"Nah, forget it," said Handsome Sam. "That accent's too cockney. Just talk in your normal
voice."
"Aye, aye," said Tarmul.
Then he took the large yellow envelope, and fled the forest like a deer.
Chapter 12: Principal Scooter, The Nasty Mongrel
A secretary, hired solely for her looks, went into Principal Scooter's office. Principal Scooter was glad
to see her. In fact, the moment his eye caught her he began salivating. Sure, Secretary Beebs was 250
pounds, and was over the age of 40, but she sure knew how to wear a skirt that little whore-meister.
"'Ello," said Secretary Beebs. "Some ugly, dumb kid dropped of this big yellow envelope."
She handed Principal Scooter the large yellow envelope.
"Oooh," said Principal Scooter. "An envelope that's yellow. This must be important."
"I've no idea," said Secretary Beebs. "I was going to look inside, and not tell you, but it's sealed
up like a virgin."
"Are you a virgin?" said Principal Scooter.
"We've discussed this before," said Secretary Beebs. "I'm saving cherry myself for Justin
Timberlake."
"The singer?" said Principal Scooter.
"And actor," said Secretary Beebs.
"I think he's married," said Principal Scooter.
Secretary Beebs covered her ears, and went, "LALALALA! LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Principal Scooter rolled his eyes. He got up, and then pried away Secretary Beebs hands off her
ears.
"You can leave now," said Principal Scooter.
He shut his door, and went back to his Ikea brand desk, where sat his large yellow envelope. He
rubbed his hands together, and grabbed the sword-shaped letter opener from his pencil holder. He
opened up the envelope, and dumped the contents.
Several photos fell out. Photos of Principal Scooter, crusader of saving yourself for marriage,
cheating on his non-beloved wife. Principal Scooter nearly lost his pedophile moustache. He picked up
his white mug that read "World's Greatest Dad," put some of his coffee into his mouth, and then spit it
out in shock, spraying it all over his desk.
"Holy mighty fuckballs!" Principal Scooter exclaimed. "How the holy mighty fuckballs did they
get these pictures of me cheating on my no longer attractive wife?!?"
Principal Scooter began breathing heavily.
"Calm down," he told himself. "Maybe this is all just a nightmare. I have to do something to
wake myself up."
Principal Scooter took his stapler, and pressed it against his forehead. He screamed in pain, but
it did not wake him up. This was real, true, honest to goodness reality.

"Holy mighty fuckballs that hurts," said Principal Scooter.


He pulled the staple out of his forehead, and went back to inspecting the photos of him cheating
on his wife. In the photos he was giving it to an overweight prostitute in the bum, and he had his arm in
the air, like he was riding a bull at the Calgary Stampede.
"Holy might fuckballs," said Principal Scooter. "Who took these photos?"
Luckily, the set of photos was accompanied by a letter from Handsome Sam.
This is what is said:
Dear Principal Scooter,
Are you the man who is always telling us to save ourselves for marriage, and not
go around kissing people, because we'll get herpes? Because I think you're a little
bit of a hypocrite here. Here you are preaching to us to save ourselves for marriage,
and you're sleeping with a whale of a prostitute. I mean Jesus, where'd you find
this girl? A beach riddled with used needles?
You hypocritical pedophile. This is why I've put poison in your coffee. The
only way to cure yourself is by pulling down your trousers, and wanking off
furiously at once. This is the only way to get the poison out your system. Through
your wiener.
Without question, Principal Scooter dropped his trousers, and began wanking off furiously. He
kept jacking it until he blew a load all over himself. After all, he had it pointed upward.
"Oh, God," said Principal Scooter. "I think I've bruised my cock."
He went back to the letter to continue reading:
"Ha! I was just kidding about the wanking off."
"Ah, shit," said Principal Scooter.
He continued the letter:
"Anyways, if you don't want these photos of your cheating to get out, and be
seen by everyone, then I suggest you cave in to my few demands. First, more
tartar sauce for fish sticks in the cafeteria. I want triple the amount. Second,
no more pancake Tuesday. Every day should be a pancake day. Third, stop
the teachers from giving out homework on Friday. Fucksakes, man. We only
have so much youth. We can't be wasting Fridays trying to figure out the
dimensions of a triangle.
Fourth, I want you to direct and record a short film I wrote while
sipping lattes in a pretentious cafe. I want it to include the following students:
1. Charlton Saintcloud.
2. Finley Sharpe
3. Manny Morowitz
4. Alvie Mcbride
5. Lilian Starr
And I want as much realism as possible. No fakery, other than the dialogue in
the script, and some SFX. Okay, Principal Knobhead? You feel me? Follow
my instructions carefully; otherwise, you will be caught like the liar you
are. Saving yourself for marriage indeed!

Sincerely,
H.S."
"Hey, wait a minute," said Principal Scooter. "I did save myself for marriage. That's why I'm
cheating on my wife, because I was curious about other women, that and I wanted to bump my
numbers up to make us even. Goddamn whore has a point score of 37 dudes. Yeah, 37! And she only
told me when we got married. That dishonest cumbucket. Hey, who am I talking to here?"
This is exposition.
"Right," said Principal Scooter. "I knew that. Anyway, why the fuck does this mysterious
blackmailer want me to make a short film? What am I Jewish? Also, what a bizarre price to pay
for being a cheater. But the other things I get. I mean more tartar sauce for your fish sticks. Why the
hell not? That shit is dry as a sandy vagina. You'd think those cows who cook our food would know
how to make fish sticks by now. But then again I hired baboons for workers. Literally baboons. We
dressed them up in uniforms and everything. We couldn't afford to hire real people. People are too
expensive. They're always demanding wages, and rights, and such. A baboon just does what he's told,
as long as you feed it, and whip its red juicy ass once in a while. I love whipping their asses. Turns me
on."
Chapter 13: Filming a Fire - Part 1
Charlton, Manny, Alvie, Lilian, and Finley were called to the main office. They sat down in the waiting
area wondering why they were pulled out of class. The clock on the wall went tick-tick as they yawned,
hoping to leave soon.
"This is so boring," said Alvie.
"It's better than being in class and learning," said Manny.
"Maybe we're going to get an award of some sort for helping out Finley," said Lilian.
"Doubt that," said Charlton.
"Shut up," said Lilian. "I wasn't talking to you."
"Jesus," said Manny. "Cut Charlton a break. So what he left some comments on your blog? It's
not like you aren't a total bitch every time we meet you."
"I'm not a bitch," said Lilian. "Am I?"
Finley rocked back and forth. "You're the biggest bitch I ever met."
Lilian sighed.
"Plus," said Charlton, "I told you I never left those comments on your blog. You're accusing me
of something without evidence. AT least have some evidence. In our legal system evidence is quite
important, you know."
Lilian sighed again.
"Fine," she said. "Maybe you didn't leave those comments on my blog. But then who did?"
"Probably some other asshole kid," said Manny. "I mean you must have hundreds of people that
hate you. I don't hate you, but I'm saying lots of people hate you."
"Oh! If nobody hates the rest of you?" said Lilian. "Combined, you guys are more hated than
me."
"And why is that?" said Alvie.
"You're freaks," said Lilian. "Lookit this. A fucking tranny, a Jewish midget, with a chip on his
shoulder, a perverted albino, and an autistic boy who likes to play with fire. Y'alls fucked up."
"Wait, we're the freaks?" said Charlton. "We're the freaks? You think we're the freaks?"
"What don't you get?" said Lilian.
"You look like the bloody Cyborg from Star Trek!" said Alvie. "Remember that episode guys?

When Captain Picard became a cyborg?"


Nobody knew what he ewas talking about.
"Star Trek TNG," said Alvie.
Again, nobody knew what he was talking about.
"It was a fucking huge show!" said Alvie. "It has a huge following!"
"We're millennials," said Charlton. "I thought Vanilla Ice was a cologne."
"Boy, you fellas are missing out," said Alvie. "Oh, and by the way, Picard all the way. Fuck
Captain Kirk."
Everyone around was staring listlessly at the wall in front of them. Then Principal Scooter, and
Miss Lynch, the drama teacher, came out to see them.
"Stand up, everybody," said Principal Scooter.
Charlton, and the others stood.
"I have some news for you," said Principal Scooter.
"Oh, news, how delightful," Manny said sarcastically.
"Shut your sass mouth," said Principal Scooter. "Now, listen up, me and Miss Lynch have
selected the five of you for a special opportunity."
"Oh, a special opportunity, how delightful," Manny said sarcastically.
Principal Scooter smacked Manny in the back of his head. "I told you QUIET!"
"How ironic," said Alvie. "You tell us to be quiet by yelling."
Alvie got a smack in the back of the head too.
"Now," said Principal Scooter, while adjusting his tie, "as I was saying..."
Everyone tried avoiding Principal Scooter's stare. They looked at Miss Lynch, who was visually
a far more pleasant to look at. She a tiny, blonde woman, with piercing blue eyes. She had a really great
smile. All the kids loved her, and masturbated to her photos. In fact, she had to take down her Facebook
account because students kept on saying they wanted her to sit on their faces. But she had a good sense
of humor about it. Before closing her account she told them if she gave in to their requests she'd totally
shit all over them.
"Ms. Lynch and I want you all to participate in a short film," said Principal Scooter.
"What sorta short film?" said Manny.
"It's about fire safety," said Ms. Lynch. "What to do, and what not to do. We are going to
recreate a scenario."
"Hm, I dunno," said Alvie. "I'm not really much of an actor. Although I have been told that I
look like an albino Wil Wheaton."
"Don't you mean Will Wheaton?" said Lilian.
"No," said Alvie. "His name only has one letter 'L' for some reason. I suspect his parents were
drunk when they named him."
"I'd certainly like to help out," said Lilian.
"Me too," said Charlton.
Principal Scooter, and Ms. Lynch looked at Alvie, Manny, and Finley.
"I dunnoooo," said Finley. "I don't want people to think I'm a drama fag. How'll I maintain my
manly image?"
"Please do not use such filthy language," said Principal Scooter. "You'll offend the fags in this
school."
"Yes," said Lilian, folding her arms. "Don't be such a retarded bigot."
"You're retarded," said Finley.
"Says the autistic pyromaniac," said Lilian.
Finley stuck out his tongue.
"Please, children," said Miss Lynch. "Let's all get along now. The worst thing you can make in
life is an enemy."

"So?" said Principal Scooter. "Are you three going to join the short film, or what? I warn you, if
you refuse you will be making a very powerful enemy. I can make the rest of your high school career a
living hell."
"Hm, you're threatening us?" said Manny.
"Stop threatening us," said Finley.
Principal Scooter was losing his temper. He was sweating, and shaking. There was so much at
stake for him. He decided to take the soft approach.
"Listen,' said Principal Scooter. "If you three participate, I'll, ummm, have the cafeteria make
more tartar sauce available for your fish sticks. Do you like fish sticks?"
"YEAH! I like fish sticks!" said Finley. "In my mouth!"
"Hm, those fish sticks are awfully dry," said Manny. "Like a sandy vagina. Alright -- I'll do this
film for more tartar sauce."
Principal Scooter wrung his hands. He looked at Alvie.
"Alvie?" said Principal Scooter. "And you?"
"Okay," said Alvie, "if you promise to shave your moustache. I hate that thing."
"What?!" said Principal Scooter. "I'm not shaving my moustache! You know what, I don't care if
anyone knows I'm cheating --"
Everyone stared at Principal Scooter.
"Em, you're cheating?" said Miss Lynch.
"No, no, no!" said Principal Scooter. An idea popped into his head. "I mean -- yes! I am
cheating! In video games! Arghhhhhhhhhhh, it's a shameful thing to do. Isn't it?"
"It's okay," said Miss Lynch. "Sometimes I cheat too...on my taxes."
"Wut?" said Alvie.
"Nothing," said Miss Lynch.
"OK," said Alvie. "No need to shave your moustache, Principal Scooter. I'll be a part of the film,
but only because everyone else is doing it. Hey, is anyone going to be jumping off a cliff tomorrow?"
"Not yet,": said Charlton.
"So, it's agreed?" said Principal Scooter. "You'll all help me make this short film?"
Everyone nodded.
Principal Scooter grinned. "Excellent.
Chapter 14: Filming a Fire - Part 2
Being supervised by Miss Lynch, and Principal Scooter, Charton, Alvie, Manny, Lilian, and Finley
began the filming of their short film in the west corner of the school:
"Oh, wowwie," said Charlton, acting as best he could. "I am feeling mighty rambunctious."
"As am I," said Manny.
"Why don't we be bad, and break some school laws?" said Alvie.
"YEAH!" said Finley. "YEAH!"
"Whoa, easy now," said Lilian. "Do you believe wholeheartedly this is the right course of
action?"
"What's my line again?" said Finley. "I forgot my line."
Miss Lynch whispered, "'I don't give a darn.'"
"YEAH!" said Finley. "I don't give a darn. F-f-f-f-f-fuck the establishment."
Miss Lynch whispered again, "There's no swearing."
"YEAH!" said Finley. "F-f-f-f-f-fudge the establishment."
"Boy, howdy wowdy," said Charlton. "I guess you are right. Let us be rambunctious and be rule
breakers."
"Because we are badasses," said Manny. "Our asses our bad. I just want to spank my own ass

because it is so naughty."
"And I want to twist my hard, cold nipples," said Lilian. "This rebellious behavior makes me so
horny."
"So, what do you gays propose?" said Alvie.
"Let us smoke, and get lung cancer," said Charlton. "It will do us some good."
"Yes! Excellent idea," said Manny. "We will smoke in the school. It will be glorious to the
highest heavens."
Charlton took out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, and gave a cigarette to himself, Alvie,
Manny, Lilian, and Finley.
Charlton whispered to Miss Lynch, and Principal Scooter. "Do we really have to smoke these?"
"I want realism!" said Principal Scooter.
"Smoking is really bad," said Charlton.
"You'll do it damnit, if you know what's good for you!!!!!!" said Principal Skinner.
"Talk about superfluous exclamation points," said Alvie.
Charlton turned back to the others, getting back into character for a poorly written short film.
He used a match, and lit everyone's cigarette. He then tossed the match, into the trash can, just as
instructed. The trash can had some paper in it, and gave a great fire. It was contained, but made a great,
roaring flame.
Charlton, and the others, seeing the fire, took to their heels, and pretended to run away.
Immediately after, Miss Lynch took a fire extinguisher, and extinguished the flames.
"Well," said Charlton, returning, "how was that?"
"You gave it your best effort," said Miss Lynch. "And that's all that matters."
"We're not going to be showing this to anyone," said Principal Scooter. "It sucks."
"I thought IT WAS GOOD," said Finley.
"So that's it?" said Alvie. "My acting debut is over? We're not going to be in this fire safety film
for the school? How will I ever cope with the lack of fame? I want to be the first albino actor, y'know,
to represent my people."
"Who cares about fame?" said Manny. "All I want is money."
"You wouldn't want to be famous?" said Alvie.
"Nah," said Manny. "People will jsut be bothering you. They'll be all, 'OH OH OH OH OH OH
OH OH OH OH AH BELAH BLAH BLAH IT'S YOU CAN I SNIFF YOUR FACE!??!?!' Screw that.
Can't deal with the hassle."
Manny usually never said "screw that" but he did since he was in front of the principal.
"Personally," said Lilian, "I. ...Do I really need to say personally? I'm telling you this face to
face, and I'm using the word 'I.' Of course it's personal. Saying 'personally' seems kinda redundant....
Oh, well, anyways, personally, I'd like to be famous. Like on the same level as Oscar Pistorius but not
for being a murderer."
"Oscar Pistorius is the white OJ Simpson," said Finley.
"Okay," Charlton said to Principal Scooter. "Are we done filming here?"
"No second chance?" said Finley.
"Yeah, don't actors usually get to do several takes?" said Alvie. "you can't say it sucks when
we've just done it once."
"No," said Principal Scooters. "You're living in a fantasy world. When they make movies they
only have one chance to get it right. You got it wrong, and I'm bored as shit here, so I'm leaving. I've
got what I needed."
Principal Scooter turned off his cellphone, which he used to record the short film, and left to the
cafeteria to get a great, big, cup of coffee. Meanwhile, Miss Lynch was left behind to attend to Charlton
and the others, who were just standing around, twiddling their thumbs, not sure what to do next.
"Ummmm, well!" said Miss Lynch. "Sorry about all that. I thought it wasn't too bad. I don't

know what Principal Scooter is going on about. He's a very angry man."
"It's fine," said Manny. "Fire safety videos are daft anyway. What can you say to kids that they
don't already know? You see a fire, run away, and get the fuck out."
"Ah, but some of them will get scared, and hide in the bathrooms, or under a desk," said Alvie.
"What sorta idiot would do that?" said Lilian.
Finley raised his hand. "I did that once. I was in my bedroom eating cereal, and I smelled some
smoke. I got scared, and hid in my closet. I got set on fire, and the house collapsed on me, but I
survived, because I was a lot tougher in those days."
"Shore," said Alvie. "Shore."
"Okay, I have to go," said Miss Lynch. "You guys go back to class, and get good grades, okay?"
"Aw, man," said Manny. "Can't we go home? I'm tired of school."
"Or do whatever you want," said Miss Lynch. "I don't care."
And with that Miss Lynch skipped off, and went off to do whatever she was going to do. Left
behind, Charlton, Alvie, Manny, Finley, and Lilian thought what they should do with the rest of their
day. They leaned against the blue and orange lockers.
"So, what should we do, eh?" said Charlton. "All forms of authority have officially buggered
off."
"Krikey," said Finley. "Let's go into the cafeteria, buy some pizza, and have a pizza eating
contest."
"Cafeteria's closed," said Alvie.
"Those l-l-l-lazy cunts," Finley stammered. "They only work for like an hour a day."
"Who wouldn't want to work for an hour a day?" said Manny.
"The people who don't want to work at all," said Lilian.
"Heh, people," said Manny. "They're so lazy."
"Wait," said Alvie, "we're supposed to be in class learning."
"Oh, and they're hypocrites too," said Manny.
Charlton snapped his fingers.
"I know," he said. "Why don't we go hunting for treasure? I heard there's a chamber of secrets in
this school. Just like that book. What's it called again? Oh yeah, 'The Chambery School.' Good book,
really good book."
"So, then," said Alvie. "What are we waiting for? Let's go looking for that secretive chamber."
And so, Charlton, and the others, jumped up, and gave each other high fives to cement their
plants to find the secret treasure in their school. Finley fell down after the jump. He landed on his
bottom, and got a sore ass.
Chapter 15: The Secretive Chamber
Alvie, Manny, Finley, Charlton, and Lilian walked around the school looking for suspicious objects.
They went around the hallways, peering, searching under random items, hoping to find the rumor
secretive chamber. They stopped in a corner when they got bored after 5 minutes.
"Damnit," said Lilian. "This is idiotic. There is no secretive chamber in our school. Why would
they have one?"
"Think about it carefully," said Finley. "Why wouldn't they have one? If you were hiring a
builder to build your school, and you had a very limited budget, wouldn't you spend the extra money,
and go into debt for something useless to create a sense of mystery for your educational institute? Oh,
wait a minute --"
"We should head on down to the 'Max' for some burgers," said Alvie.
"This isn't 'Saved by the Bell'," said Manny. "Although if it was, I'd totally plow into Kelly
Kapowski. I know they didn't show it, but I think she was fucking Mr. Belding for grades. And Mr.

Weatherbee."
"I think you're confusing two different fictional universes," said Alvie. "Mr. Weatherbee is from
the Archie Comics."
"Oh yeah," said Manny. "Either way she was a skank."
"And what about you?" said Lilian.
"Huh?" said Manny.
"If you wanna do Kelly Kapowski, aren't you a skank too?" said Lilian.
"Never told you I wasn't a skank," said Manny. "But the main question is: How big a skank?"
"Heh, you're the tiniest skank I've ever seen," said Alvie.
"A short joke, how original," said Manny. "By the way, I was being sarcastic, if you didn't catch
that."
"Guys," said Charlton, "let's not fight. Why don't we go to the library to eat some snacks, and
nap, hmm? Food, sleep, my two favourite things."
"I'm still annoyed, but okay," said Manny, "let's do that."
And so Manny, Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Finley visited their school's library. They ate some
Ketchup chips, and then fell asleep. When they awoke they found that the librarian was gone. They
decided this was the time to search for the secretive chamber.
"This is the time to search the library for the secretive chamber," said Charlton.
"Okay," said Finley, "let's do it."
"All for one?" said Alvie.
"That's not a very team-like way of thinking," said Manny. "All for one? So we all have to do
something for one person? What happened to doing the right thing, for the greater good? Did they not
mention that on your favourite show Star Trek?"
Lilian slapped her forehead with her robotic hand.
"Oh Lord Jesus," she said.
"What?" said Manny, shrugging his shoulders. "What me do wrong?"
"Never mind," said Charlton. "J'mon and let's go looking around for that secretive chamber."
"But how?" said Finley.
"Pull on the books," said Charlton. "One of them might be a lever that will reveal a secret wall
or something.'
He then led the way, and guided everyone in and out the aisles of the library. They all pulled on
whatever books they could fine. After going through hundreds of books though they found their search
revealing nothing. However, Finley did find a peanut on the ground, and he ate it.
"Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet," said Manny. "Knew this was a dumb idea."
"You're just bitter because you couldn't reach the top shelf books," said Alvie.
"Don't make me come up there," said Manny. "I will climb up your back like a cafeteria
monkey, and strangle you."
"Heh," said Alvie. "Your arms couldn't wrap around my throat."
"Maybe we're going about this all wrong," said Charlton. "We've been randomly pulling books.
Maybe there's a specific book we have to pull?"
"By gum," said Lilian. "You could be right. What if I pulled this copy of 'Catcher in the Rye'?
I've been avoiding it, because I hate it so much."
Lilian pulled the library's copy of Catcher in the Rye. It did absolutely nothing.
"Damn it to hell!" said Lilian. "This book's turned out to be a phony! A big fat phony!"
"We're doing this wrong," said Alvie. He tapped his chin. "We need to pull the books that no one
in the school likes. That's how we'll find the secretive chamber."
Alvie then pulled on Pride & Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, The Fault In Our Stars,
Mein Kampf, Twilight, The Da Vinci Code, Fifty Shades of Grey, Eat, Pray, Love, and every Tom
Clancy novel. And The Bible. ...Nothing happened.

"You fool," said Lilian. "Those are very popular books."


"Really?" said Alvie. "I thought they were terrible."
"I never said they weren't terrible," said Lilian.
"You think the Bible's terrible?" said Finley. "Blasphemy! Jesus is my favorite super hero. I
know he isn't real, but boy oh boy, what a well written character."
"Wait, wait a minute," said Charlton. "I know what book to pull."
Charlton went to the dark section of the library, and stood in front of Atlas Shrugged.
"It has to be this," Charlton said, with his hands hovering over Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged.
"Wait a minute," said Manny. "According to Alvie's theory -- are you saying that this book here
is worse than Mein Kampf and Twilight combined?"
"I'd bet my hat on it," said Charlton.
"You don't own a hat," said Finley.
"Shhhhh!" said Charlton. "I'm pulling."
Charlton reached for Atlas Shrugged, and grabbed the top. He tried pulling it, but it seemed
stuck.
"Not strong enough to pull on that?" said Lilian.
"It's stuck or something," said Charlton. "This has to be the book to lead us to the secretive
chamber. Come on, gimme a hand."
And so, Charlton, and the rest, pulled on Atlas Shrugged. It then slid halfway out, and at angle,
and retracted into its original position. Everyone turned their heads to a sound like that of a heavy stone
door sliding open. At the back wall was a 2 foot high opening, which only had enough space to allow
crawlers. Or dwarves. Or Chinese people.
"There it is," said Charlton.
Everyone ran to the opening, possibly leading to the secretive chamber, but stood back, staring
in curiosity, and fear.
"Could it be?" said Alvie. "Will this lead us to the fabled secretive chamber, where presumably
we'll all die after getting attacked by a giant centipede known as a giant-o-pede?"
"Fuck that," said Manny. "I don't wanna die."
"Looks like you're the only one that can fit," said Lilian.
"The rest of you could fit too, if you lowered down," said Manny. "Get on your hands and
knees, Charlton. That position should be real familiar to you.'
"Fine," said Charlton. "Since this was my idea, I'll go in first."
"Or we could send Finley," said Alvie. "He seems to be unaware of the potential dangers."
"Yes, let's exploit a mentally handcapped kid," said Lilian.
"OK," said Manny, "but remember it was your idea."
Finley, who was spinning in a circle, and not paying attention to anything, got tapped on the
shoulder by Manny.
"Oy," said Manny.
Finley stopped what he was doing.
"How can I help you?" he said.
"You wanna crawl into a dark, creepy hole?" said Manny.
"Why?" said Finley.
"It'll be fun," said Manny.
"Alright, fun!" said Finley, and he got down on all fours, and began crawling toward the hole in
the wall.
Chapter 16: The Secretive Chamber?
Back to the library, Finley was on his hands and knees, crawling toward the hole that had just opened

up. It was a tight squeeze, he could barely fit.


"I'm stuck!" he cried.
Manny gave him a swift kick in the ass to get him through. It worked. Finley got through the
hole. The others waited outside curiously.
"What's inside there?" said Charlton.
"It's dark in here," said Finley. "I can't see anything."
"Watch out for the giant-o-pede!" said Alvie.
Finley started freaking out, screaming, and crying.
"There's no such thing as a giant-o-pede!" said Lilian. "Calm down. Can you find a light switch
or something?"
Finley slowed down his breath, and calmed down, but he was still afraid.
"Mmm, I'm feeling around," said Finley. "It feels --"
"How's it feel?" said Charlton.
"Like cold and scary!" said Finley. "Mommy! I want to leave!"
"Stop being such a pusshole," said Manny. "You're going to be alright."
Manny took out a pocket flashlight, turned it on, and gave it to Finley.
"Here," he said. "Take this."
Finley shone the flashlight around.
"I found a light switch," he said. He turned on the light. "And porno magazines!"
"What?" said Charlton.
Manny was already on his hands and knees, and going through the hole, followed by Alvie, then
Charlton and Lilian who did the same, but not for the pornography.
"Wow," said Manny, looking all around himself, "this is really...boring. Other than the porno
magazines. Oooh, look, 'Slut of the Month'!"
Indeed the group's newly discovered area of the school, was nothing but an ordinary, plain
room. Except it was filled with pornography.
"This is where the teaches must come to relieve themselves of stress," said Alvie.
Alvie made a cock-stroking motion with his hand.
"This is sick," said Lilian. "I can't believe our teachers would be hanging out here, looking at all
these smut rags. What's wrong with people?"
Lilian looked at the others, only to see them lounging about, staring at boobies. Lilian smacked
a Playboy out of Charlton's hand.
"Stop that," she said.
"Oh, uh, sorry," said Charlton. "I was only looking at it for the insightful news articles."
"Why don't you read a book?" said Lilian.
Charlton searched, and found a book.
"Oooh," he said. "This one is about video games."
He looked at the cover:
"Notch! You Thieving, Swedish Cunt! I should
be a billionaire, not you!
by
Zachary Barth, Creator of Infiniminer"
"What you got there?" said Manny.
"It's a fascinating book about a thieving, Swedish cunt," said Charlton. "That's what I've
gathered so far."
Charlton opened the book to a random page.

"Interesting," he said, nodding. "Mister Barth here says that he is the Hydrox cookie of the
gaming world. I have no idea what that means."
Charlton opened to another page in the book, and from there an old, yellow piece of paper fell
out. Manny picked it up to have a looksee.
"What is it?" said Charlton.
"Some kinda poem," said Manny.
Curious, the others gathered around Manny in a circle.
"STOP SURROUNDING ME!" said Manny. "I'm getting claustrophobic!"
All then took a step back.
"Listen to this," said Manny. "'Roses are red. Violets are blue. Did you know there's a secret
passage in here?'"
"That doesn't rhyme," said Lilian. "I don't think that counts as a poem."
"Oh, like all poems have to rhyme," said Alvie. "Grow up."
Lilian sneered.
"So, there is a secretive chamber then," said Charlton. "We have to find it. I want everyone to
look through this room, top to bottom."
"I FOUND IT," said Finley.
"Well, that was fast," said Charlton.
Finley peeled back a poster on the wall, revealing yet another hole. There was a gentle breeze
blowing through it. Everyone else gathered to look.
"You sure that isn't just a vent?" Alvie.
Alvie put his head in, and looked down.
"Yep," he said, "I can't see shit."
"Finley," said Manny, "you still got my flashlight?"
"Sure do," said Finley.
He returned Manny's flashlight. Manny tossed it up to Alvie. Alvie took the flashlight, and
shone it down the hole.
"What do you see?" said Charlton.
"Weird," said Alvie. "No giant-o-pedes. But I see something that looks like -- a slide? What's a
slide doing in here?"
"You sure it's not a chute?" said Lilian.
"Believe me," said Alvie, "I've been on enough slides to know what a slide is. Come take a
look."
Everyone took their turn to look. Indeed there was a slide, but where did it lead to? No one
knew for sure. They were all speculating.
"Perhaps it's where all the giant-o-pedes live," said Alvie.
"Stop saying giant-o-pedes," said Lilian. "They don't exist."
"How large would these giant-o-pedes be?" said Manny.
"They're quite large," said Alvie. "I'd say anywhere from 3 to 20 feet long. The 3 footers are
babies, and the 20 footers are the queens."
"Christ almighty," said Manny. "That's huge."
"And they don't exist," said Lilian.
"Do you have evidence they don't exist?" said Alvie.
"Do you have evidence that they do?" said Lilian.
"The burden of evidence is not on me," said Alvie. "It's on you. For questioning me."
"What?" said Lilian. "The burden of evidence is on you, the person who makes the claim."
"I know," Alvie grinned. "I was just being a silly Catholic school student."
"That's it," said Charlton, peering down the hole, "I'm going in to find out what's down there. I
have to know."

"You don't have to know," said Manny. "We can just leave, and go back to our classes."
"Okay, I'm bored," said Charlton. "There. Happy?"
"Very happy," said Finley.
"Wish me luck," said Charlton.
Chapter 17: The Secretive Chamber?!
Getting a boost from the others, Charlton climbed into the secretive hole, head first (for some reason),
and went down the slide. Charlton was scared and confused. He had no idea where the slide was taking
him. All he knew was he was going fast as hell, and to a place he wasn't sure existed.
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Charlton screamed. "My brain is hitting the back of my
skull!"
The slide twirled, and twisted, going down, and sometimes up. It was the most convoluted slide
Charlton had ever been on, and the ride lasted 5 minutes, until he came off it, and was thrown onto the
cold, hard ground.
Charlton groaned, and stood up, rubbing his head. He immediately threw up. When he lifted his
head he saw where he was. He was in a big secretive room. It was made out of brown bricks, and lit by
candles. From floor to ceiling it was at least 30 feet. It made an echo when Charlton farted. It sounded
something like ffffffffffff-ffffffffffff-ffffffffffffffff-ffffffffffff-ttttttttt!
Charlton tilted his head back to look up. Then bats swooped down, and rushed past. He
squealed in fear, and covered his face, and body. Once he thought that bats were gone, he lowered his
arms.
"Christ," he said. "There are bats in here... Holy shit. Am I in the Batcave? Is Batman actually
real...? BATMAN! Where are you? I'd like to meet Alfred, and take a ride in your Batmobile, then wear
your suit for Halloween! Batman? Batman? Are you there?"
Charlton calmed down.
"Wait a minute," he said, "I'm not in a cave. Goddamn it."
He walked ahead, and came to a large, double door, protected by a guard of some sort. She was
holding a spearing and wearing ancient Greek armour. Charlton thought she looked familiar. Actually,
she was a student who attended Saint Rogers High.
Her name was Rosemary Chan. She had long, black, curly hair, and a nose too huge for her
face. It was quite a schnauzer, and it effected how she spoke. She had a very nasally voice, in addition
to a stutter, which came out when she got overly excited. Also, she was kind of a fatty.
"W-w-w-w-wut are you doing here!?" Rosemary said excitedly in her nasally voice. "Y-y-you
can't be here... No one is allowed through here!!! Must I use more exclamation points?!!!!!!!!!!!1111
[sic]"
"That makes no sense," said Charlton. "You're standing in front of a door. Doors are made to
allow people into places."
"Y-y-yes, that's true," said Rosemary. "What do you want?"
"What is this place?" said Charlton.
"That question," said Rosemary. "That question. That question of yours. The question you have.
The question you wish to ask, I cannot answer that. It is a forbidden question."
"Is it?" said Charlton.
Rosemary nodded.
"Then what can I ask?" said Charlton.
"T-t-t-that too is forbidden," said Rosemary. "That question of yours. The question you have.
The question wish to --"
"ALRIGHT," said Charlton. "I get it. Yeesh. I'll figure it out on my own."
Charlton started looking around for clues.

"S-s-stop!" said Rosemary with a stamp of her foot. "You are not allow to l-l-l-look fffffffffor
clues! That is forbidden as well!"
"And what will you do, if I don't listen to you?" said Charlton.
"I have half a mind t-t-to get stabby with my spears," said Rosemary.
Rosemary threw her spear. It went into the air, completely miss Charlton, and landed on the
floor with a plunk. It was totally lame.
"Plan B," said Rosemary. "I, I will tell on you!"
Rosemary opened her mouth about to scream for help.
"Wait!" said Charlton. "Don't do that!"
"Why, why not?" said Rosemary.
"I dunno," said Charlton. "Uhhhh, it's not polite?"
"You got a point," said Rosemary. "A, a, a, a girl should never scream, unless she's in danger, or
having a really great orgasm."
"What do you know about orgasms?" said Charlton.
"I, I know I'm gonna get one soon," said Rosemary.
"Huh?" said Charlton.
"From Handsome Sam," said Rosemary. "I'm, I'm guarding his door, so that he'll like me. Then
we'll have premarital sex. The Catholic church says I'll go to hell, but I think it's worth it."
"Um, can't you just wait a couple years till you're married?" said Charlton.
"N-n-n-no," said Rosemary. "I'm horny right now. Not literally right now, but within this time
frame."
Charlton felt a bit ill. An image of Rosemary popped into his head, in which she was getting
porked.
"Can I see what's behind the door?" said Charlton.
"I told you, n-n-n-no," said Rosemary. "If I let in the wrong people Handsome Sam won't bend
me over a table, and jackhammer my tight Asian cooter. I think it's tight; I tried putting a pencil up
there, and, and it hurt real bad."
"You shouldn't put pencils up your hole," said Charlton. "9 out of 10 doctors don't recommend
that."
"1 out of 10 does?" said Rosemary.
Charlton shrugged. "Some people just wanna watch the world burn. Apparently, some of them
are doctors."
"Doctors," said Rosemary. "They are of no use to society. But, but celebrities, now they are very
valuable to society. I mean what kind of world would we live in without our beloved entertainers?"
A thought bubble appeared above Rosemary's head. There was an image of Earth, in which
there were flying cars, magnificent, futuristic skyscrapers, intelligent robots, and healthy people, with
lots of confidence, and self-esteem. Since no one compared themselves to unrealistic, manipulated
images, and advertisements of fake, phoney human beings, everybody felt much better about
themselves, and had an inner belief that they could achieve anything. In addition to this, the extra time
not spent watching entertainment news, and being obsessed with celebrities, freed up time for the
pursuit of education, and general excellence.
Rosemary shuddered at the idea.
"Omigod," she said. "That would be terrible."
"So can I see what's on the other side of that door or what?" said Charlton.
"N-n-n-no!" said Rosemary. "You are not permitted to enter the secretive chamber, see, unless
you can answer my questions three."
"Fine, forget it," said Charlton. "I'm leaving."
Charlton turned around, but Rosemary called him back.
"Oh, c'c'c'man!" she said. "Where's your sense of fun and wonderment. Just try your luck. Who,

who knows? You might get them right."


"Alright," said Charlton, facing Rosemary. "What are these questions?"
Rosemary cleared her throat.
"Question #1," said Rosemary. "Do I, I look pretty?"
Easy question, Charlton thought.
"Yes," said Charlton. "You do look pretty."
"W-WRONG ANSWER," said Rosemary.
"W-w-what?" said Charlton.
"I'm, I'm objective enough to know I'm not pretty," said Rosemary. "But I, I, I makeup for it
with my endearing p-p-personality."
"Er, sure," said Charlton.
"O-OK," said Rosemary, "you go bye-bye now."
"But," said Charlton.
"You, you've failed the test," said Rosemary. "You are required to leave."
"Wait, no," said Charlton. "I have two more questions to go. If I get them both right, I pass. Isn't
this how tests work?"
Rosemary gave it a moment of thought.
"Hm, I, I suppose you're right," she said.
Charlton nodded.
"O-okay, next question," said Rosemary. "Question #2: W-what is the speed of love?"
"Seriously?" said Charlton. "You're asking me about the speed of love? There is no such thing
as the speed of love."
"Answer it or d-d-don't answer it," said Rosemary.
Charlton took somet time to think. Not knowing what it might be he took a stab in the dark. Not
literally of course.
"Is it a million miles per hour?" he said.
Rosemary looked surprised. She did a little clap.
"Why, why, why, yes, it is," she said.
Charlton went "phew!"
"I, I would have also accepted 1,609,344 kilometers per hour," said Rosemary. "Actually, seeing
as we're C-c-c-c-canadian, that would've been preferred. But we can't be too nit-picky in life, c-c-can
we?"
"No," said Charlton. "We can't."
"Now," said Rosemary. "The n-n-n-n-n-next question. The h-h-h-hardest question of all.
Question n-n-n-n-number three: CAKE or Death?
"Really?" said Charlton. "CAke or death? That's your question. Well, that should be fairly
obviously."
"I-is it obvious?" said Rosemary.
"I don't know," said Charlton. He was getting annoyed. "But you know, i'd have an easier time
concentrating on the answer, if you didn't stutter so much. It's throwing me off."
"I, I, I, I, I d-d-don't s-s-s-s-stutter all the time!" said Rosemary. "Only w-w-when I get excited.
B-b-but I'm an easily excited p-p-person. Listen to m-me. I can s-s-say a perfect sentence, if, if I calm
down."
"Go on," said Charlton.
Rosemary took a deep breath out, and took time to compose herself.
"The rain in Spain," she began, "falls mainly on...on, on, the, the f-f-f-fuckin' hell!"
"So about the question?" said Charlton.
"F-f-f-fuck you!" said Rosemary. "C-c-c-c-c-can't you s-s-ss-s-ss-see my, my, my stutter is, is bb-b-b-b-bothering me!?"

"If it's any consolation," said Charlton, "if you see a ghost, it will work out perfectly for you."
"The, the, the fuck is that s-s-supposed to mean?" said Rosemary.
"Say ghost," said Charlton.
"G-g-g-g-ghost!" said Rosemary.
Charlton laughed. "Ah-ha-ha-ha! That's good. It really is. I'm well pleased."
"S-s-shut your face," said Rosemary.
"No need to be rude," said Charlton.
"A-answer the question," said Rosemary, "or g-g-go home! Cake or death?!"
Charlton still wasn't sure how to answer. Cake or death? What sort of a question is that? The
other questions seemed sane compared to this.
"Alright," said Charlton. "Death. Wait, wait, no! Cake! Cake! I meant to say cake!"
"I'm sorry," said Rosemary. "Y-y-you've failed! Goodbye! You are the weakest link!"
"Am pretty sure that was a reference to a TV show," said Charlton, "but I'm too young and well
read to know about it."
"Get out!" said Rosemary.
"Please!" said Charlton. "Let me in!"
He got down on his knees and begged.
"I'm not Jesus Christ," said Rosemary. "You can't beg and g-get another chance."
Charlton stood up and dusted off his knees.
"Fine," said Charlton. "I guess I'll have to get through by force."
"R-remember," said Rosemary, "I, I told you I w-was gonna s-s-scream for help."
"Oh yeah," said Charlton. "Well, I guess that's it then. Can you tell me where the exit is?"
"The, the exit's through this door," said Rosemary. "The one I'm s-s-standing in front of."
"THEN LET ME THROUGH," said Charlton.
"How, how dare you use capital letters at me, like that," said Rosemary. "I should t-t-t-turn you
in, right now!"
Charlton turned around, paced up and down, and put his hands on his hips. He leaned back,
looking up, thinking what to do. He was frustrated, and out of ideas. Just then he heard a noise. His
friends, squealing, came down the slide. They all landed together, tangle in a cluster.
Manny, Alvie, Finley, and Lilian broke apart, then stood up, and squabbled.
"I told you we should've gone separately," said Manny.
"Two heads are better than one," said Lilian.
"I liked it," said Finley. "Let's do it again."
"Yeah, two heads," said Manny. "Not four."
"You don't really like team work, do you?" said Lilian.
"Not when we're going to be daft," said Manny.
"Like I say," said Lilian. "Kept apart we are only twigs, but bundled together we are one mighty
faggot."
"Oh boy," said Alvie. "That's exactly what I want to be. In addition to being someone who gets
sun burnt if he stays out in the sun for longer than 10 seconds."
"Big deal 'bout being an albino," said Manny. "Least you don't have to use a ladder to get
everything."
"Yeah, to each his own," said Alvie.
Charlton waved at the others. They walked ahead, and gathered around him.
"Hey, guys," said Charlton.
"Oy," said Manny. "What're you doing standing around here? This the secretive chamber?"
Charlton pointed to the door, where Rosemary was standing.
"No, that is," he said.
"Let's go in then," said Alvie.

Charlton put his arms out.


"Not so fast," he said. "That girl's blocking the door."
"So?" said Lilian. "We'll shove her out of the way. She don't look to be in such great shape.
"You think I didn't think of that?" said Charlton. "She's going to tell on us, if we try any funny
business."
"Don't worry," Lilian whispered. "I'll put on the charm, and seduce her."
"Is she a lezzer?" said Manny.
"No, she's not," said Charlton. "She is not a lezzer."
"What's a lezzer?" said Finley.
"Okay," said Alvie. "I know what to do."
Alvie walked over to Rosemary. Rosemary looked at him like he was nothing but a pest.
"Hey," said Alvie. "If you let us through, I'll be your boyfriend."
"Ha-ha-ha," Rosemary went. "I, I, I may be fat, and have, have a stutter, but I'm, I'm, I'm not
desperate. You look like an ugly s-s-snowman. Ha-ha-ha."
"Well," said Alvie, "you look like a, uh, a, uh --"
"A, a what?" said Rosemary.
"A fatso!" said Alvie.
Rosemary frowned angrily, and then tears welled up in her eyes. She started crying loudly.
Covering her face, she ran off like a deer. She pulled on a candle holder on the wall, and opened a
secret passage, which was a camouflaged sliding door. She went on through.
So now the entrance to the secretive chamber was unguarded. Charlton and the others gathered
together. Manny patted Alvie on the leg in a congratulatory manner.
"Well done," said Manny. "You made her go away by damaging her self-esteem. Who'da
thought fat girls were sensitive about their weight, huh?"
"Heh, they're so sensitive," said Alvie.
"I thought it was low," said Lilian. "You shouldn't call a girl fat."
"She started it," said Alvie. "She called me a s-s-s-s-snowman."
Charlton shook his head. "Man, I can't believe it. There's a way out of here, and I didn't even
guess it. I wasted all my time answering that fatso's idiotic questions. Well, then, let's head on out."
Charlton headed toward the candle holder that Rosemary used.
"Let's go," he said.
"Oy," said Manny. "Don't you wanna see what's in the secretive chamber?"
"Guessing it's not worth the McDonald's," said Charlton.
"I don't care," said Alvie. "I came too far to stop now. I'm going to open the door."
"Me too," said Lilian.
"Seriously?" said Charlton.
"Serwiously," said Finley.
Charlton sighed. "Let's do it already then."
He joined the others, and they all psyched themselves up to open the doors to the secretive
chamber. They grabbed the handles, and all pulled at the same time.
Chapter 18: The Secretive Chamber...!
The doors to the secretive chamber opened. Manny shone his flashlight, and everyone else stretched
out their necks, looking into the darkness. It seemed there was nothing there, except a deep, dark space
that went on for who knew how long.
"Looks, um, empty," said Charlton.
"This is the secretive chamber?" Alvie. "It's just a big, empty space. Like the one in Tarmul's
head."

"Charlton," said Manny, "where's the treasure? You promised us treasure."


"I don't remember promising anyone treasure," said Charlton. "Hm, I barely remember what
happened 5 minutes ago. Oh, gawd! Maybe I have a brain tumor?!"
Alvie grabbed Charlton's head, and felt it for lumps.
"I don't feel any tumors," said Alvie.
"They'd be inside his skull," said Manny.
"He does not have a tumor," said Lilian.
"Yee-he-he!" went Finley. "It is not a tumaaaagh!"
"Please, stop," said Charlton. "All this talk about tumors is making me worried."
"Do you have a headache?" said Alvie.
"Agh, enough with all this tumor chatter," said Alvie. "I'm going into this secretive chamber."
He took his flashlight, and ran with it into darkness ahead, until he was nothing but a distant
shimmer that the eye could hardly see.
"Manny!" said Charlton. "You find anything in there?"
Everyone quieted down to listen. Manny started to scream. "Aghhh! Aghhh!" He ran back to the
others, and almost fell on his knees. He hid behind Lilian and peaked out.
"Scared, are we?" said Lilian.
Manny looked as pale as Alvie.
"G-g-g-g-g," he stammered, "giant-o-pede!"
"Wut?" said Alvie. "I knew it. They're here. My theory has been confirmed. Now it's not 'just a
theory.' Hmm, how pleasing to my scientific mind."
"There's no such thing as a giant-o-pede," said Lilian. "Stop trying to scare everyone with your
silly prank."
Lilian stepped forward, breaking away from Manny. She put her hand above her brow like a
visor, and squinted into the darkness. Just then a house centipede, no more longer than a pinky finger,
scurried out. Lilian looked down.
"Well, there's your giant-o-pede," she said.
She lifted her foot, and stepped down on the centipede with a kee-runch! She twisted her heel,
pulverizing it into the floor. She turned to the others, and dusted off her hands. She put her hands on her
hips in a most arrogant manner. There was a smug grin on her face too.
"I killed it," she said. "Where's my prize?"
Manny was still shivering in fear. The others were too. Their legs wanted to move, but they
were too petrified to go anywhere.
"Not the rest of you too," said Lilian. "I can't believe what some of you men will go through to
pull a prank. Well, you ain't gonna pull the wool over my eyes. There is no such thing as a giant-opede."
Charlton while trembling pointed. Behind Lilian, suspended from the ceiling was a giant-opede, aka a centipede, and it was swinging back and forth, leisurely, as if it was a kid hanging from
monkey bars.
"It's behind me, is it?" said Lilian.
Alvie nodded slowly.
"Okay," she said, "I'm going to look."
Lilian jumped, and spun around, but before she could see anything that giant-o-pede retracted
upward, and hid on the ceiling.
"Hardy-har-har," said Lilian. "There's nothing here, except air. Stale, musky air by the way.
Smells kinda gross actually. Did one of you cut a fart?"
Lilian sniffed the air, and followed the smell with her nose, leading her eyes toward the ceiling.
The giant-o-pede was staring down at her, with its thousand legs, and mouth open, steadily dripping a
putrid saliva to the floor.

"Oh no," said Lilian. "I've been proven wrong. Very wrong!"
"Run!" said Finley.
Everyone kicked up their feet, and ran toward the other door, which could only be opened by
pulling on the candle holder beside. Charlton hastily pulled on the candle holder. Slowly, the sliding
door began moving. But something about it was broken. It was moving millimeters at a time, like it
was stuck or the mechanism was busted.
"Come on, damnit!" said Alvie. "Open already!"
Everyone looked back. The giant-o-pede was crawling, making its way toward them. They all
had their backs against the wall.
"I can't believe it," said Manny. "I'm gonna die a virgin."
Finley laughed. "Yee-he-he! You're a virgin. Wait -- so, am I."
"We need to fight it off," said Lilian. "Does anyone have anything that we can use as a weapon?
A rock, a pointy stick, a hot cup of coffee? Anything!"
"I have nothing," said Charlton, "except this gun my dad gave me." Charlton pulled out a pistol
from his pocket. "But I was told only to use it for emergencies in defending myself. Thing is this gianto-pede thingy hasn't attacked us yet. Are we really justified in shooting it? It's an innocent animal so
far. Hasn't done a thing besides scaring us."
"Damn you to hell!" said Manny. "Gimme that thing!"
Manny grabbed Charlton's pistol, and, almost blindly, began shooting at the giant-o-pede. He
did it until there were no more bullets left. The giant-o-pede, besides having a few legs out of a
thousand shot off, was mostly fine.
"Now, I know this isn't the time for criticisms," said Alvie, "but you really suck at shooting."
"Yeah, you suck," said Finley.
"Not my fault," said Manny. "I'm too small to aim properly. It was too much power for my little
hands."
"That's it," said Lilian. "I won't be pushed around. I'm going to stand up to this giant-o-pede and
give it a piece of my mind."
Lilian walked over to the crawling giant-o-pede. She wagged her finger at it.
"Listen here," said Lilian. "You might be big, and have a zillion legs, and fangs, and such, but
we won't be intimidated by you. No siree, Bob, I --"
The giant-o-pede swung its head forward and swallowed Lilian whole. But thankfully for the
others it had bought them enough time. The door they sought to enter was half open, and had enough
space for them to slip through.
Everyone, or what was left of everyone, were ready to go on through; however, Charlton put out
an arm to stop them.
"We can't leave Lilian behind," said Charlton. "It isn't right. We have to stick to --"
Manny went between Charlton's legs and escaped. Finley shoved him out of the way, and he,
and Alvie went past. The only one left behind, now, was Charlton.
"Those damned cowards," said Charlton.
Charlton turned around, and found he was only inches away from the giant-o-pede, positioned
face to face with the monstrous creature. As the giant-o-pede was about to swallow him up to, Alvie's
arm reached out, and pulled him back, through the door, which in a fortuitous fashion closed right after.
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Finley heaved a sigh of relief. So it seemed they had escaped the
giant-o-pede.
Chapter 19: The Secretive Chamber, Here We Come
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Finley huddled together. Finding themselves in a new area they were
reluctant to strike out and explore their surroundings. They listened to the other side, wanting to know

for certain whether the giant-o-pede was still following them, or could get through the door. Manny
took his ear off the wall.
"I hear nothing," said Manny.
"It's probably gone back to its home" said Alvie. "Since it ate Lilian it's not hungry anymore."
"God, I can't believe we left behind Lilian," said Charlton.
"She was the one dumb enough to confront that monster," said Manny. "It's her own fault. She is
going to win a Darwin Award."
"Come on," said Charlton. "Don't you guys feel bad?"
"I feel bad," said Finley.
"Me too," said Alvie, "but there's nothing we can do about it now."
"She's a goner," said Manny. "We should accept her death, and say a prayer for her soul."
"What prayer?" said Charlton.
"How about the Lord's prayer?" said Manny.
"How's that even relevant to what happened?" said Charlton.
"The Lord's prayer is about trespassing," said Manny. "It's exactly what she did. Do you not see
the connection? Also, I don't know any other prayers."
"Forget the fucking prayer," said Alvie. "Let's find out where the hell we are, and how the hell
we get out."
"No need to swear," said Charlton. "It's rather vulgar."
"Fuckit," said Alvie. "If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die using an expletive. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, mother fucker, and tits. Mother fucker and tits... Mother fucker and tits."
"Will you stop saying that?" said Charlton.
"...Mother fucker and tits!" said Finley. "Mother fucker and tits! Mother fucker and tits! Mother
fucker and tits! Mother fucker and tits!"
"Oh, look what you've done," said Charlton.
"I've enriched his vocabulary," said Alvie. "No big deal."
"Mother fucker and tits!" said Finley.
"Please stop swearing," said Charlton. "We need to find out exactly where we are now."
Manny waddled forth, and saw they were in a room similar to before. There were candles
lighting the area, and two large pits in the floor: one that held rats, and one that held snakes.
Presumably, one was to feed the other.
"Dude," said Manny. "Come check this out."
"What is it?" said Charlton.
Charlton, Finley, Alvie, and Manny stood before the pits. They looked down, but kept back,
ensuring they wouldn't fall in.
"I love snakes," said Finley.
"You wanna jump in there and join 'em?" said Alvie.
"I'm autistic," said Finley, "not retarded."
Between the pits was a long stick with a net attached to a pole.
"That must be for feeding the snakes," said Charlton.
"Oooh, me first," said Alvie.
Alvie grabbed the net on a stick. He looked down at the rats and felt sorry for them.
"Poor, little buggers," said Alvie. "They are at the mercy of my net, and these snakes. Life isn't
fair."
"Then put the net away," said Charlton. "Enough things have been eaten today."
"Speaking of which," said Manny, "isn't it funny that we aren't being emotional about the death
of our friend whatsoever?"
"We're men," said Finley. "We don't show emotions in front of each other. We will do that into
our pillows when we go home and cry. I will anyway."

"Not only that," said Alvie, "but Lilian was kind of a bitch, wasn't she? Not to slag off the dead,
but, Charlton, she accused you of leaving comments on her blog, and then beat you up. I mean, what
the heck. Also, what're you doing reading the blog of a young, black, disabled lesbian?"
"I like learning about others," said Charlton. "Is that so wrong?"
"Oy," said manny, "I think before we go feeding rats to snakes, we should find out how to get
out of here. Anyone see any exits?"
There were no exits, other than the way everyone came in.
"Nothing," said Charlton. "I think we'll have to go back the way we came in, and crawl up the
slide."
"How are you we going to do that?" said Alvie, waving his net around.
"We go bare feet," said Charlton, and press up against the sides of the slide, and slowly crawl
back up."
"Oh, oh, oh yeah," said Alvie. "That's a good idea. The giant-o-pede won't be able to follow
after us, once we start doing that."
"Okay, scratch that idea," said Charlton.
"Let's just commit suicide," said Finley. "It's the easiest way out."
"SHUT UP, everyone," said Alvie. "I want to feed the snakes, first."
"There's no time for that," said Charlton. "We are in danger."
"I won't be too slow," said Alvie.
Alvie looked down at the pits again. But instead of scooping up rats, he scooped up a snake, and
threw it into the rat pit.
"Wonder what will happen now that it's reversed?" he said.
Alvie, and company observed the snakes swimming around in the rat pit. The rats jumped on
the snakes, and chewed on them, until they were nothing except long, flexible skeletons. It happened in
seconds.
"Aw-ha-ha-ha, sick," said Alvie.
"There, you satisfied?" said Charlton. "You animal killer."
"It was the rats," said Alvie, "not me. Plus, they must feel real swell about getting some
revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. I imagine snakes taste sweet, unless someone can prove otherwise.
Anyone want to eat one?"
"Yuck," said Charlton.
"Wait," said Alvie. "I'm not done yet."
Alvie scooped up some rats, and dumped them into the snake pit. The rats ran around, trying to
dodge the snakes, but were inevitabley, snatched up, and eaten.
"Mwah-ha-ha-ha," said Alvie. "It's like playing God. Or The Sims."
"This is sick," said Charlton.
He went off to a corner, and threw up. Alvie, however, kept scooping up the rats, and feeding
them to the snakes, until they were all gone.
"Boy, I tell you what," said Manny, "that Charlton don't get a very strong stomach. He's always
throwin' up."
"Hey, look," said Finley, staring into the pits. "Something's happening."
The floors of the pits began shifting. Where the rat pit was the floor came up, and where the
snake pit was the floor went down. Then a large hole opened up in the ceiling, and a ladder dropped
down. A sign appeared too. It had an arrow pointing, and read: "Secretive Chamber."
"Criminey," said Manny, tilting his head back. "There it is. The Secretive Chamber."
"Feeding the rats to the snakes must've trigger some sort of weight-based mechanism," said
Alvie.
"Oh, I don't know about all this," said Charlton. "What if what's up there is worse?"
"Worse than a giant-o-pede, and a hideous pit of snakes?" said Alvie. "Ah, where's your sense of

optimism?"
"I bet there's candy and hookers up there," said Finley, "and it's ours for the taking -- yeee! Let's
go, you guys!"
Finley ran to the ladder, and started climbing up it. The others, who were still wary from the
giant-o-pede, followed behind. Alvie, Manny, and Charlton went on up.
Chapter 20: Secretive Chamber, Hello!
Charlton, was the last person to climb up the ladder, and get through the hole, but get through the hole
he did. Now, he and Alvie, and Manny, and Finley were standing in the Secretive Chamber. The real
Secretive Chamber, not any of that sub-Chamber bullshit, and you know what?
It was magnificent. The Secretive Chamber was a wonderment to the eye. Other than the ground
(but not the flooring), and some supports, and essential structures, the entire place was made out of
candy. There was chocolate furniture, cotton candy bushes, graham cracker doors, statues made out of
toffee, and so much more.
"Dear Lord," said Manny, "I think I've caughed diabeetus. Is everything in here made out of
candy?"
"There's only one way to find out," said Finley, and he got down on his hands and knees, and
licked the floor.
"How's it taste?" said Charlton.
"Like an apple candy," said Finley.
Alvie bent down and licked the floor with Finley.
"Ew!" said Alvie. "This tastes disgusting!"
"Tee-he-he!" said Finley. "It's liquorice."
Alvie stood up, and wiped his mouth. "Yuck. I hate liquorice. It's the Peewee Herman of the
candy world."
"You don't like Peewee Herman?" said Manny.
"He looks like he likes touching children," said Alvie. "Or animals. Or children animals."
"Enough chatter," said Manny. "Let us feast!"
And so Manny, Alvie, Finley, and Charlton ran around the Secretive Chamber eating all the
candy they could. They gave no thought to their teeth, or their health, and completely indulged. In half
an hour they had obliterated pounds upon pounds of sweets. Their heads were pounding, and their
stomachs were aching; they were sick from all the sugar they'd ingested. Not able to stand without
being supported, they all sat down on a bench made of chocolate. It stained their pants, making it look
like they shat themselves.
"Ohhhn," Finley groaned. "I can still taste the sweetness in my mouth. It's burning my tongue."
"I ate an entire desk made out of white chocolate," said Manny. "It was a children's desk, but
still -- I'll be shitting white for a week."
"You think what you ate was bad?" said Alvie. "I ate so much candy it's making me see dead
people. Look, there's Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, William McKinley, and James Garfield...
What the hell? So, no Canadian Prime Ministers? Ah, wait, I think I've spotted Brian Mulroney."
"Um, Brian Mulroney's not dead," said Charlton.
"To me he's dead to me," said Alvie. "To me he's dead."
Charlton stuck out his tongue, which was purple.
"So thirsty," said Charlton. "I"m gonna get a drink."
He got up and went over to what looked like what a water fountain. He pressed a sticky button
on the front to release a stream of water. He opened his mouth drink it.
"Oh, God," said Charlton, feeling worse than before, "even the water is sweet. It's Sprite. Or is it
7-Up? Maybe it's a mixture of both?"

He stepped over to the next fountain to see what it was. He pressed the button, and a bright
green liquid came out. He again opened his mouth to drink.
"Ooooh," said Charlton, "Mountain Dew. Or is it Mello Yello? Maybe it's a mixture of both?"
"Stop bothering with those fountains," said Manny. "Come and sit down."
Charlton returned to his seat. Alvie was leaning his head back, looking up at nothing.
"I don't understand why life is like this," said Alvie.
"Huh? Like what?" said Charlton.
"Everything that we enjoy winds up being bad for us," said Alvie. "But why? Sex for example.
Oh, sure you're enjoying it now, but wait till you get herpes, or AIDS, or cancer. YEAH! You can get
cancer by having sex. What the -- like, come on!"
"What's it matter to you?" said Manny. "You ain't getting laid any time soon. Heh."
"First of all, you forget that I'm quite rich," said Alvie. "I can get laid if I wanted to. Second of
all, I'm saving myself for marriage. And you should respect my constraint. Being a premarital slut is
way easier than not being a slut. I mean think about it. Every minute I'm getting a boner. My hormones
are raging. They're telling me to go out, and screw anything in sight. But do I do it? No, I respect the
values of my religion."
"Thought you said you were an atheist," said Charlton.
"I respect all values of my religion, except the part about believing in God," said Alvie.
"So, you're not a Catholic?" said Finley. "Do you believe in the Jesus?"
"Of course I believe in Jesus," said Alvie. "And, yes, I am a Catholic. I'm what you call a
Catholic Atheist. Sure, it sounds weird, but we're a small, fast growing sect of people. You wanna join
me? Huh? Guys?"
Alvie looked to his left and and right. Charlton, Finley, and Manny were fast asleep. The sweets
had spiked their blood sugar concentration levels, and, as it were, what goes up must come down. The
precipitous drop in glucose made them incredibly tired.
"Ah, damn," said Charlton. "I may as well get a rest too."
Alvie closed his eyes to take a snooze.
An hour later, Charlton, Finley, Manny, and Alvie were wide awake again. Being growing, male
teenagers they were hungry once more. Though their teeth were feeling a tad soft, they went around the
Secretive Chamber made of sweets, and began eating again. This time they worked as a team, grazing
from one area to the next until they came to the large, graham cracker doors.
Charlton and Finley took the top, while Manny and Alvie worked on the bottom. In soon
enough time the doors were completely gone. More interesting they had revealed another area for
which they were ever curious.
"Whoa," said Charlton. "What's all this then?"
"Another area to the infamous Secretive Chamber," said Manny.
"We should do in," said Alvie. "This must be the hookers and blow area. Has to be. How else
can you top what we've just experienced?"
"What's blow?" said Finley.
"Don't worry about it," said Manny. "You'll learn about it when you're 16."
"So, we're going to head on in?" said Charlton.
"I think so," said Alvie.
"Then c'mon!" said Charlton. "For hookers and blow!"
"Yeah!" said Finley. "Hookers and blow!"
"Wait a minute," said Charlton. "I don't want either of those things."
"Me neither," said Alvie.
"Am I the only one?" said Manny.
Finley nodded. "Pervert."
"Oh, maybe there are video games in there," said Alvie.

"Xbox One?" said Charlton.


"God, no," said Alvie. "I'm not going in there for that. It's Playstation 4 or nothing."
Chapter 21: The Real Secretive Chamber
So, where there were once magnificent graham cracker doors, Alvie walked through, and the others
followed behind for a Playstation 4. When they entered the new area of the Secretive Chamber, they
discovered... It was a trap!
Lights flashed on, and bars suddenly went up all around them, trapping them together in a small
cirlce.
"What the bloody hell is going on here!?" said Charlton.
"Let us out!" said Alvie.
A voice laughed, and a figure descended on a floating platform. It was Handsome Sam. This
was Handsome Sam's operation. Here he was producing various drugs, trendy with teenagers, like
ecstasy, marijuana, meth, and Ritalin. There was equipment from the school's science labs, lined up
from front to back, working at full capacity. Students, looking to make pocket change, were attending
to these illegal concoctions.
Handsome did some slow clapping.
"Well,well, well," said Handsome. "Lookit what we got here. Seems I've caught me some
marmots."
"Fuck you!" said Finley.
Handsome Sam wagged his finger side to side.
"Ah, ah, ah," he said, "I'd be careful if I were you. Your life is in my hands." Handsome Sam
took out a device with a big red button on it. "One push of this button, and the area beneath you will
explode. Everyone will be a mess on the wall. I'll then frame it and sell it as modern art for millions of
dollars. You wouldn't want that, would you?"
"You bastard," said Manny. "Let us go or else --"
"Or else what?" said Handsome Sam.
"Nothing really," said Manny. "I'm pretty much trapped in here. I was just acting like a tough
guy."
"Oh, errm, okay then," said Handsome Sam. "Anyway, you're all probably wondering what's
going on?"
"Well, yeah," said Alvie.
"Okay, look," said Handsome Sam. "I am a super villain. I'm not at like Adolf Hitler levels, or
Mao Zedong, but I'm working my way up. The reason I've kidnapped you all is because I need you for
a little experiment."
"Is it a sexual experiment?" said Manny.
"What? No," said Handsome Sam. "Why would you ask me about that?"
"I dunno," said Manny. "I'm always hearin' my sister talking about going to college and
experimenting sexually."
"She's not experimenting," said Alvie. "She's just going to suck a lot of dicks."
"Wha? No way," said Manny.
"Yes, that's what it means," said Alvie. "And you know what? As a scientist it pisses me off.
How is being a slut experimental? What's your control? What's your variable? Hypothesis? Theory? I
mean c'mon. An experiment is where you test things, and set out to find the truth of a matter. Sleeping
around in university or college is nothing more than being a frivolous idiot."
"SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Handsome Sam. "I am trying to expound on my plans, as
villains usually do."
"Wait a minute," said Charlton. "You're self-aware that you're a villain?"

"Why, what's the problem?" said Handsome Sam.


"And you like being a villain?" said Charlton. "You do know villain is a bad thing, right?"
"Hey, hey, hey," said Handsome Sam. "This isn't movies or TVs. The good guys don't win. You
have to be a bad guy, if you want to be happy, and prosper."
"That's not true," said Charlton.
"Isn't it?" said Handsome Sam.
Charlton thought about it and realized Handsome Sam was 110% right.
"Ah, well," said Charlton, trying to come up with a retort, "uh, um, er -- fuck! I guess you're
right."
Handsome Sam grinned a smug grin.
"I'm always right," he said.
"So," said Charlton, "what are you going to do to us?"
"I," said Handsome Sam, "am going to test an experimental device on the four of you. I call it
the Handsome Bomb."
"I like the sound of that," said Manny.
"It could kill you," said Handsome Sam.
"I retract my statement," said Manny.
"So, this it?" said Alvie. "This is how we're really gonna die?"
"It's your fault," said Handsome Sam. "You guys had to be greedy, and you all fell right into my
carefully laid out trap."
"How was it a carefully laid trap?" said Charlton. "We barely made it here."
"Listen," said Handsome Sam. "I tricked you into coming here. I spread the rumors about the
secretive chamber, and planted all those clues. First, I brought you in with the pornography, then I
tempted you with a slide, and then I brought you in with a room made of sweets. The last part, of
course, was easily done. I had to plant nothing more. I knew your insatiable greed would get to you.
You thought there would be something even better through those graham cracker doors."
"We thought there were video games in here," said Finley.
"I do have video games," said Handsome Sam. (Finley perked up.) "But they're not for you.
They're for me, so that I can go onto Xbox Live and call people faggots. You know, I really get a lot of
pleasure in making people feel terrible about themselves. Not all the time though. I'm not a two
dimensional character. Sometimes I do charitable acts."
"What charitable act did you last do?" said Charlton.
"I once rescued a cat," said Handsome Sam. "And I killed it, made it into something that looked
like a hamburger, and fed a homeless person."
"That's not a charitable act," said Charlton.
"I fed someone who was starving," said Handsome Sam.
"Yes, but you killed an innocent cat," said Charlton.
"Oh! Ho-ho!" said Handsome Sam. "Cat's are innocent? They eat other animals. They have no
compunction in slaughtering a mouse or a bird. Yes, such angels are they?"
Manny yawned. "God, I'm so bored. Can you just kill us already?"
"Yes, my dear," said Handsome. "I will be taking you to the room, where we do our
experiments. Are you ready?"
"We're not going," said Charlton. "I don't care what you say."
"You have no say in the matter," said Handsome Sam.
Handsome Sam stepped off his platform, and gallivanted toward the group, where he could stare
them in their eyes with glee. He was rather quite jolly for a villain. He grabbed Charlton's face.
"You'll be the first in the experiment," said Handsome Sam
Charlton pulled back. "Get your hands off me, you damned, dirty ape!"
"Feisty this one," said Handsome Sam.

"We'll never give into you," said Charlton. "No matter how hard you are with us we will fight
you to the bitter end."
"I'm not inclined to believe that," said Handsome Sam.
Handsome Sam turned on his heels, put his fingers in his mouth, and whistled. At this moment
the sound of two very heavy things being dragged were heard, to which everyone gave their attention.
In the middle of the floor a large, very muscley man, who looked like a bodybuilder on steroids, was
dragging behind himself a dead giant-o-pede, and the body of someone covered in an opaque slime.
It was hard to tell who this man was, since the lower half of his face was obscured by a sharp
looking, black mask. It made his voice deep, and scary.
"Ah," said Handsome Sam. "Look who's turned up. It's my right hand man -- Tarmul."
Indeed, Tarmul was the muscley man in the black mask. He was pumped with various
chemicals, and given various augmentations to give him the strength of at least two gorillas. (Gorillas,
if you must know, are quite robust. They can run speeds of up to 40 kilometers per hour, and lift the
weight of a small, European car.
"That's really Tarmul?" said Manny.
"Yes," said Handsome Sam.
"He looks like a gorilla!" said Manny. "Ah-ha-ha-ha!"
Tarmul growled. It was so loud that it made the entire Secretive Chamber rumble. One of the
workers making drugs even shat himself.
"Whoa, easy now," said Manny. "Can we come to a peace offering? I have a crate of bananas
waiting for you outside."
Tarmul dropped the slimy body and dead giant-o-pede he was holding, and marched toward
Manny. But Handsome Sam stepped in his way, and put a hand on his chest to stop him.
"Calm down," said Handsome Sam. "We need this midget alive, okay?"
"I'm a dwarf," said Manny. "Not a midget."
"Midget, dwarf, little shit, what's the difference?" said Handsome Sam. "HAW!"
At this moment the body covered in slime started to move. It wriggled around a bit and then
stood up. It shook off as much slime as it could and wiped its face with a cough. The identity of it was
revealed to be none other than Lilian Starr.
"Ohn, where am I?" she groaned. "I feel like I've been inside a yeast infected vagina."
"Lilian," said Charlton. "You're alive! You're actually alive! Omigod! I thought you were dead,
and that the giant-o-pede had made you into its poop,"
"Can't believe it," said Alvie. "I didn't even recognize it was you. The slime was obscuring your
face."
"Glad to have ye' back," said Manny.
"I prayed for you," said Finley.
As Lilian came out of her stupor, she began piecing everything together.
"You prayed for me?" said Lilian. "So, basically you sat around, and did nothing?"
"Yeah," said Finley. "I mean -- no!"
"Aw," said Handsome Sam. "Glad to see your friend is alive. She'll be experimented on too."
"Run!" said Charlton. "Run for your life!"
"But don't forget about us," said Alvie. "Call the cops or something."
Lilian then took off and started running away. Where to she wasn't sure, but she was legging it
as only she could. Handsome Sam snapped his fingers at Tarmul.
"Go after her," he said.
Tarmul spotted Lilian scurrying around, then, like Spiderman, or Superman when he was first
introduced to the public, leaped up into the air, landed down, and caught her. On account of his gorilla
strength he only needed to hold her with one arm.

"Let me go," Lilian said whilst struggling. "I will destroy you!"
"Nobody destroys Tarmul," said Tarmul. "Tarmul is indestructible."
Tarmul went to the enclosure, where Charlton, Manny, Finley, and Alvie were, and threw in
with them. Lilian groaned when she slammed into the ground. The others ran to her to see whether she
was alright.
"Are you okay?" said Charlton.
Lilian let out a breath.
"I've had worse," she said.
Handsome Sam grinned a smug grin. It was the only grin he could grin.
"Now," said Handsome Sam, "prepare yourselves."
"For what?" said Finley.
"Remember, I'm going to do an experiment on you guys," said Handsome Sam, "and it could
have fatal results. Were you not paying attention when I mentioned the Handsome Bomb?"
"What?" said Finley.
"Guh!" said Handsome Sam. "No wonder teachers are always so stressed out. Don't you guys
listen?"
"Hey, wait a minute," said Charlton, "aren't you supposed to give us an origins story first."
"Huh?" said Handsome Sam.
"It's a common trope," said Alvie. "Every super villain must give an origins story before they
carry out their plans on their heroic rivals. You know, tell us about your past, why you're doing this, et
cetera."
"Why would I do that?" said Handsome Sam.
"Well, you know how they say history is written by the winners?" said Alvie
"Yuh-huh," said Handsome Sam.
"Well," said Alvie, "when you write your history, ah, that is to say your biography, where you're
hailed as the next Winston Churchill, don't you want your book to be in depth, and explanatory to
readers?"
"I guess you're right," said Handsome Sam. "Tarmul, please bring me my armchair. I think I'm
going to be sitting down for a while."
Tarmul left. The group observed how he exited near the back of the drug lab/Secretive Chamber
by pulling on a red lever.
"Well," said Charlton, in a low voice, "at least we know where the exit is now."
"Hmph, so what?" said Manny. "We're done for. And not only are we going to die we're going to
be tortured too!"
"Calm down," said Alvie. "I'm a genius for a reason."
Alvie winked.
"Did you just wink at your friends?" said Tarmul.
Huh?" said Alvie. "Erm, no, I was merely twitching. It's an eye twitch I have. I've had it for a
long time now. Observe."
Alvie pretended to twitch his eyes.
"Okay," said Handsome Sam, "but you really should get that checked out by a doctor."
"Why?" said Alvie. "You told us we're going to die."
"Never mind then," said Handsome Sam.
Handsome Sam put his hands on his hips, tapped his foot on the floor, and looked up at the
ceiling from boredom. He was tired of waiting for his armchair.
"Bah, forget it," said Handsome Sam. "I'll just give you the abbreviated version of my history."
"Oh, boy," Lilian said sarcastically. "This ought to be good."
"Shut your fucking face," said Handsome Sam. "Now, listen. It was a long time ago, in a galaxy
far away."

"You're just ripping off Star Wars," said Finley.


"Star Wars wasn't the first to use that line, okay?" said Handsome Sam. "God. Let me start over
again... It was a long time ago, yadda-yadda, and when I was born the doctors told my mother that I
would die in 3 years time, because I was gravely sick."
"Omigod," said Finley. "Did you die?"
"Um, no," said Handsome Sam. "I didn't die."
"Right," said Finley.
"Where was I?" said Handsome Sam. "Anyway, my mom told the doctors to fuck off -- she's
such a badass like that -- and now, here I am, very much still alive. Those idiots were wrong."
"Wait, how's your mom a badass?" said Charlton.
"The doctors were being assholes, so she told them to fuck off," said Handsome Sam. "That
took courage."
"What courage?" said Charlton. "Doctors aren't marines. Also, what do you mean they were
assholes? Doctors don't take pleasure in people dying. They only estimated your death, so that your
mother could prepare. You know, financially, emotionally, and so forth. Knowing your death ahead of
time can help a great deal, especially if you're going to be making a will."
"And yeah, how come you called them idiots?" said Alvie. "A doctor is very well educated."
"They're idiots because they got my date of death wrong," said Handsome Sam.
"OK, but that's a little biased," said Alvie. "Because only the living get to tell their stories about
the doctors being wrong about their deaths. It's a real skewed perspective. Not like the dead can send a
text message and go, 'Hey, Doctor Wong was right about my dying! Spot on, yeah!'"
"And what's with this word 'badass'?" said Lilian. "What does that even mean? Does it have any
real meaning? I heard someone being called a badass for rescuing a kitten from a tree. All he did was
get a ladder, climb up a few feet, and took it down. Wasn't really that hard. I mean that's nice, but
badass? What is with this word? It seems like its range is anywhere from A to Z. Someone is a badass
because they caught something that fell off a shelf? I saw that once. A guy caught a glass that fell off a
store shelf, and his coworker called him a badass. Like what?"
"Aaaaaaaaaah, fuck," said Handsome Sam, "why are you so fixated on this word badass? I don't
know its precise definition. It's just a word some retarded white kids made up. Jesus, you guys are total
pedants."
"I prefer the term learn-ed," said Alvie.
"Shut up," said Handsome Sam. "You're albino. You should be in a zoo."
"That is low," said Alvie. "I can't help it if I look like Michael Jackson."
"I don't get this origins story," said Manny. "It doesn't make sense. What's this got to do with
your career as a super villain?"
"Oh, well," said Handsome Sam. "Let me explain. Last year when my mum told me the story
about how I survived my ordeal, I came to view myself as a badass-survivor-hero-amazing-personBarack-Obama, and it made me think I was special. I am special, and now I have the confidence to
mold society to my liking."
"So that's it?" said Manny. "You survived some sort of hideous disease, your mom told you this
story, then it gave you some needed confidence to be a super villain?"
"Ah, music to my ears," said Handsome Sam. "I love that term 'super villain.' And, yes, that's
my real origins story. I survived a hideous disease, my mom told me the story, and that gave me the
confidence to pursue my zany plans. Had she not told me it, I would've never done all this superb
enterprising."
"Yes, that's one part of your story," said Charlton. "but what inspired you to become a villain?
Because that's not an origins story. That's more like a 'how I gained confidence to become a villain'
story."
"I dunno how I became this way," said Handsome Sam. "Maybe some people are inherently

evil. I've never been a good person. When I was five I pushed my little brother into a pool, and watched
him drown out of curiosity. This is just who I am. And if you can't accept me at my worst, then you
don't deserve me at my best."
"That's exactly what a bitch would say," said Lilian.
"I know you are, but what am?" I said Handsome Sam.
"A garbage man," said Lilian.
"I know you are, but what am?" I said Handsome Sam.
"Freedom!" said Alvie.
"What?" said Handsome Sam.
"Run!" said Charlton.
Charlton, Alvie, Finley, Lilian, and Manny began running away. They escaped their enclosure
by going through the gap they had created in the bars. Together they headed toward the exit at the back.
Handsome Sam pulled on his hair as he watched.
"Bloody hell!" he said. "How did they escape!?"
Alvie answered in the distance, "While you were yapping on, and on, I used a tiny motorized
saw to cut through the bars. It was so loud. I'm not even sure how you noticed. You were so selfabsorbed in your own story that you couldn't hear the sound of anything else. Ha!"
Handsome Sam recalled in his brain exactly what Alvie had told him, and in most cases normal
people would be ashamed for being so dumb, but H.S. was not. Like he always was he had a selfcompliment to explain his deficiencies.
"I'm not self-absorbed," said Handsome Sam. "I just have a healthy self-esteem."
"Fuck you!" said Lilian.
"Water off a duck's back," said Handsome Sam. "And fuck you too! You black dyke!"
"The preferred nomenclature is African American!" said Manny.
"I'm Canadian!" said Lilian.
"Right," said Manny. "African Canadian!"
"Not from Africa either!" said Lilian.
"Fine," said Manny. "Black dyke it is!"
Charlton, Alvie, Finley, Manny, and Lilian reached the back of the drug lab, and pulled on the
lever. A door slid open and they ran to escape through it. But Tarmul was standing in the way, facing
them with his brows narrowed down.
"No one is leaving," said Tarmul.
"What about you?" said Manny.
"I will be leaving," said Tarmul, "but the five of you won't. that's what I meant by 'no one.'"
"Awfully vague phrasing," said Manny.
"Shut your hole," said Tarmul.
Manny shrugged and bolted forward. Using his momentum he dropped to his knees and slid
under Tarmul's legs to escape. The other four got the same idea and copied him exactly -- except Finley,
who made a "wheeee!" sound as he went through.
Tarmul bent at the waist, and looked underneath to see where they all went. He growled and
turned around to follow them.
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, Manny, and Finley, out of breath from running, found they were in yet
another mysterious room, or, if you will, chamber. This chamber was rather bare, but at the far side had
five different archways, numbered and all, which had slides going down to God knew where.
"What do we do, what do we do?!" said Lilian.
"We have to make a choose," said Charlton.
He looked over his shoulder, and could see Tarmul in the distance, walking toward them step by
step. Tarmul was not running, because the boy was so doped up on so many chemicals that it was
taxing his body. Those bulging muscles came at a price.

"I think we should go down slide #5," said Manny. "It's a good round number."
"#1," said Alvie. "This Handsome Sam is obviously a narcissist. That's our best bet."
"How 'bout #3?" said Lilian. "It's considered a lucky number."
"#2," said Finley.
"Why #2?" said Charlton.
"I dunno," said Finley. "Mmm, it's twice as many as one."
"Oh, okay," said Charlton. "So, nobody wants to pick #4?"
"That Handsome Sam's Chinese," said Alvie. "Four is an unlucky number for the Chinese. It
means death."
Charlton panicked and yelled, "Come on! We have to decide!"
"Why don't we each take whatever route we want?" said Manny. "Each person is responsible for
his/her own fate."
"So, we're going to be Conservatives then?" said Charlton.
"Urgh, fuck it," said Finley. "Am going."
Then Finley jumped down slide #2; Alvie took one, Lilian three, and Manny five. Charlton was
last. He opted for four. He jumped feet first.
As it turned out each landed in a different spot. Although they all wound up back in school (as
opposed to the Secretive Chamber). Finley landed in gym, Lilian in history class, Manny in the
cafeteria, Alvie in the greenhouse, and Charlton in an open dumpster just outside Saint Rogers High.
Charlton sat up. He was dizzy from the stench surrounding him. There was a banana peel rested
on his head. He felt miserable, however, thought it was better than being experimented on like a guinea
pig, or being torn limb from limb by an angry teenager with the strength of approximately two gorillas.
"I hate my life," said Charlton.
Chapter 22: Souper's Arrest
There was nothing about the sunny sky that suggested anything was amiss. Yet a set of police cars
stopped by Saint Rogers High. Principal Scooter went outside to meet them. All the students were
gathered to see what the matter was. They were told to go back to class, but many of them had serious
problems with authority, and/or discipline.
"Damnit," said Principal Scooter. "Why won't you ugly children go back to class? This is none
of your business. Don't you even want an education?"
"Bah, why do you care?" said Jones. "You know that most of what we learn is just going to be
forgotten, and furthermore the lot of us will probably grow up to flip hamburgers, and pump gasoline
for a living. What's the point of sitting in a classroom, learning when Shakespeare was born? Why not
enjoy what youth we have left, dicking around, and doing something fun, so we can have happy
memories for when we're old and depressed, and are hooked on medications?"
"Right," said Principal Scooter, "carry on then."
He walked down the brick path and greeted the Chief of Police named Dong.
"Dong, you old bastard," said Principal Scooter. "We meet again."
Dong adjusted his cap. It was good at hiding his bald, shiny head, which resembled the end of
an aubergine.
"Scooter," said Dong. "How do you do?"
Principal Scooter and Dong shook hands.
"Jus' fine," said Principal Scooter.
"What brings you here?" said Principal Scooter.
"I'm on business," said Dong.
"What sorta business," said Principal Scooter. "Are you here to plant drugs on people and
physically brutalize our students?"

"Not today," said Dong. "I'm here to make a simple arrest."


"Arrest?" Principal Scooter gasped. "I told you I never touched that girl's breasts. She's a lying,
British whore, I tell you!"
"Damnit," said Dong. "I'm not here for you. I'm here for some of your students."
"Well, that's a relief," said Principal Scooter. "Who are you here for?"
Suddenly Dong took out his gun and pointed it into the crowd of students. Everyone at the front
spread out, leaving Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny, who were at the back, uncovered.
"Them," Dong said, dramatically.
"Those outcasts?" said Principal Scooter. "What did they do? They mostly mind their own
business, don't they?"
"Nope," said Dong. He shot into the air and put away his gun. "They are the culprits behind the
school burning down, which the Amish somehow rebuilt really damned quickly."
A dead seagull fell down from the sky.
"I'll be," said Principal Scooter. "What evidence do you have?"
"Video evidence," said Dong. "An anonymous stranger left us a memory card with a note,
pointing out these fiends."
"Holy mighty fuckballs," said Principal Scooter. "This will be no good for our school's
reputation. This is the 20th police arrest this year, if you count them all as one."
"Actually," said Dong, "there's one person missing."
"Who?" said Principal Scooter.
"A boy named Finley Sharpe," said Dong. "But I guess it doesn't matter because he's highly
deficient in the brain. The courts couldn't charge him with arson. These days all you have to do to get
off the hook is claim to being mentally deficient. It's a tragedy I tell you. A retard or a schizophrenic
could rape and murder a baby, and get away with a slap on the wrist, then gallivant out in public like a
free bird. But it makes no sense. So what if they're mentally deficient? Dogs have IQs no higher than a
child, but when it bites someone, or kills someone, you put it down because it's dangerous. What makes
humans so much more deserving of their life? I mean we're not even asking that these mentally ill
murderers and rapists be put down, just keep 'em away from everyone else for a good amount of time.
Is that so wrong?"
"Hmph," said Principal Scooter. "What a shitty justice system we have."
"I know exactly what you mean," said Dong. "They hired me to be a police officer."
"Right," said Principal Scooter.
Dong turned his attention back toward Charlton and company.
"Alright!" said Dong. "Don't move a muscle or I'll shoot you all in your heads, and then claim
you were reaching for my gun!"
"Please stop pointing your gun at us," said Lilian,
"It's making me a bit nervous," said Manny.
"You want the truth, you can't handle the truth!" said Dong.
"What are you going on about?" said Manny.
"Listen to me," said Dong. "I want you all to get on the ground and put your hands behind your
back."
"Why?" said Alvie. "We didn't do anything wrong."
"That's for the courts to decide," Dong. "Mostly they don't look favorably on people who burn
down schools, except if you're in Ireland, and you claim to be the Joker. They love pop culture
references."
"Wait, aren't you supposed to read us our rights?" said Charlton.
"You have the right to shut the fuck up," said Dong.
"I don't recall that being a right," said Charlton.
"I am the law!" said Dong.

"I said 'right' not law," said Charlton.


"Stop being a smart mouth and just do what you're told!" said Dong.
"I'm not afraid of you," said Charlton. "You can't bully me."
Dong shot behind Charlton, making a bullet whiz past his head.
"Alright," said Charlton, "you're the boss."
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian laid on the ground, and put their hands behind their backs.
Dong and his gang of police officers cuffed them. When they got to their feet they were immediately
pepper sprayed.
"Oh God!" said Alvie, whilst coughing. "Why did you pepper spray us?! It burns! I can't
breathe!"
"So, this is what hell is like?" said Manny. "Hot and peppery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"It's like the entire country of India is living in my mouth," said Charlton.
"I want to kill myself to end the pain," said Lilian, "but my hands are cuffed."
"Damnit," Principal Scooter told Dong. "Did you have to pepper spray them for no reason?
They're just kids. You don't even know for sure whether they're guilty. I mean, this is really, really bad."
"Listen to me," said Dong. "Once you start going easy on them, that's when they start
disrespecting you. If you rough them up, you show 'em who's boss, and you get to plug up their
buttholes as much as you please."
"You sound like a gang member in a rundown prison," said Principal Scooter. "Also, I thought
Canadian police officers are supposed to be nicer."
"I'm from Quebec," said Dong.
"Ah," said Principal Scooter. "That explains it."
"It still burns!" said Charlton.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, shaddap," said Dong.
Dong and his officers took up Charlton, and the others, and packed them away into their white
cars. Sirens flashing they were driven to the police station, where they were to be detained, questioned,
and beaten off camera.
Chapter 23: Dah Po-Leese
After being checked for explosives, guns, marijuana, and Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards, Officer Dong took
Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny into a small dank room, where the only light was a flickering,
hanging lamp, and a small barred window located on the door-side.
"Sit down your buns down," said Officer Dong.
Charlton and the others sat by a table opposite to Officer Dong. Dong put his elbows down and
leaned forward while wearing sunglasses.
"Pay careful attention," said Dong. "If you lie to me about what you did, I will murder your
families and any beloved pets."
"Excuse me," said Charlton, his face still swollen from the pepper spray, "but with all due
respect, I don't think you're allowed to threaten us like that. Isn't threatening people with death illegal?"
"Do you not remember my spiel about me being the law?" said Dong.
"Right, right," said Charlton.
"So, tell me what you know about this fire," said Dong. "Who's the ring leader behind it?"
"Listen," said Manny, "I'm not saying I had any part in this, but if this was a novel, or movie, I'd
have to guess that I'm the main character here."
"You're the main character?" said Lilian. "What makes you the main character?"
"I'm the most charming of us lot," said Manny.
"Usually," said Lilian, "dwarves aren't the main characters in movies, or in books, so, I don't
think it's you."

"Well, it ain't you," said Manny. "When 'ave you see a crippled, black, lesbian take a lead role in
a film? Or for that matter an albino? Or a tranny?"
"Whoa, I'm not crippled," said Lilian. "I'm just missing a couple of limbs, which, if you can see,
have been replaced with state of the art, robotic prosthetics."
"You're all wrong," said Alvie. "The main character would be Finley. I know he's not here, but
he's the charming, mentally challenged kid, who can win someone an Oscar. That's a fact. Well, wait,
no, it's not a fact. But it could be a fact."
"No one here is the main character," said Charlton. "We're an ensemble, like those kids in South
Park. Meaning there's no singular person, who's carrying the story. We're all equally important."
"Aaah, that's some hippie bullshit," said Manny.
"You know," said Lilian, "maybe it would be better if we were all a bit more hippie, and loving,
and caring. Shit, I'm still angry about that time you guys abandoned me when we were in that so called
secretive chamber. You left me behind to be digested by a giant centipede. Or as Alvie calls it a 'gianto-pede.'"
"Come on, quit holdin' a grudge," said Manny. "That was in the past."
"It was two days ago!" said Lilian.
"Yes," said Manny. "Like I told you: in the past."
Dong slammed his fists on the table.
"Will you freaks shut up!?" he said. "I'm trying to conduct an investigation here!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"No need to be rude," said Alvie. "We're all amigos here."
"I am not your amigo," said Dong, "nor am I your pal, buddy, so keep your mouth shut, and we
can continue on."
"Wait," said Charlton. "How can we continue on if we keep our mouths shut? Isn't the whole
point of this to find out more about the arson? Which we didn't do by the way."
"You did it," said Dong. "I know, because I have video evidence.... And you can see it on my
new iPad. Would you like to see it on my new iPad? I got it as a birthday present. It's slightly better
than the last version, which I'm now using as a cutting board."
"Mmm, okay," said Charlton. "Let's see."
Dong brought out his latest version of the Apple iPad and showed everyone the alleged video
evidence. The video evidence was the short film that Charlton, Alvie, Finley, Manny, and Lilian did for
Miss Lynch, and Principal Scooter.
"Is this not you?" said Dong.
"It is," said Charlton, "but that was for a short film. It's not real."
"Also," said Alvie, "it appears this video has been carefully edited. I don't remember it being
like this. Why is there a star wipe to cut to the next part?"
Dong sighed. "It's a thing called art."
"So, you think this video will actually hold up in court?" said Manny.
"Wait, who said anything about court?" said Lilian.
"Yes," said Dong. "I believe this is enough evidence to throw you four away into prison for a
very long time."
"Hey, this clearly is not us setting the school on fire," siad Manny. "Look at how unnatural we're
acting. You can tell its been totally staged."
"Tell it to the judge," said Dong.
"I will," said Manny.
"Good for you," said Dong.
"Please," said Charlton. "We're innocent. We would never think to set our school on fire, much
less actually carrying through with it."
"Oh? Oh, no?" said Dong. "Then what's this other video about?"
Dong swiped his iPad to show another video. It was a video of Charlton, Lilian, Manny, Alvie,

and Finley standing around outside, having a chat:


Charlton: Man, this school sucks
Manny: It does indeed suck.
Lilian: What can you do about it? We're here for three more years.
Finley: Why don't we burn it down?
Alvie: You wut?
Finley: Burn the school down and no more school! I have matches!
Charlton: Ah, yeah, burning the school down would be fun.
Manny: I agree. Setting everyone aflame would be awesome.
Lilian: I know it's against my general moral fiber, but if you guys were up for it, I totally would.
Alvie: So, it's agreed? We burn down the school?
Charlton: (Raises arm in air) Woooo! School burning! Kill all the teachers and custodians!
Make their children orphans!
"What do you have to say for yourselves?" said Dong.
"Aw, c'mon," said Alvie. "Every kid fantasizes about the destruction of their school. That was
just idle chat. We weren't being serious."
"You wanted to kill all the teachers and custodians," said Dong. "That's awfully specific, don't
you think?"
"They treat us like shit," said Manny. "Course we'd bring 'em up. But that doesn't mean we
actually want them to die. Well, wait, no, we do want them to die, but we don't want to be responsible
for it. Dying of natural causes, cancer, heart disease, AIDS, or Ebola virus is just fine with me."
Charlton began sweating.
"Listen, Mr. Officer, this dwarf doesn't speak for the rest of us," he said. "We're each, separate,
individuals, not tied to one another whatsoever. Those are his own personal statements."
"You treacherous bastard," said Manny. "Thought we were supposed to stick together."
"Not when you're being a moron," said Lilian.
Alvie put his hand up. "Excuse me, sir police man, but I think I would like to plead the fifth
amendment now."
"This isn't the US of A," said Dong. "We don't have amendments."
"What do we have?" said Charlton.
"The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms," said Dong. "It sounds a little more gay, but I
think the title is clear, and self-explanatory."
"How can a Charter of Rights and Freedoms be gay?" said Lilian.
"It's not meant to be taken literally," said Dong. "It's an expression, like when you say you shat
yourself after hearing a funny joke -- it's not literal."
"It's not?" said Manny. "I did not know that. This whole time I thought people were actually
shitting themselves and being honest about it. Now that I know it's a lie, I'm not so pleased."
"Young man," said Dong. "You don't have your head screwed on properly, do you?"
"Just about as good as anyone else," said Manny.
Dong stood up.
"Well," he said, "I think I can go now. This is pretty much an open and shut case. The four of
you are each going to get a seat in the electric chair."
"What!?" said Charlton. "Canada still uses the electric chair? I thought we were like an
improvced version of America. This is backwards, I tell you, it's really backwards."
"Calm down," said Dong. "It's a chair for massaging your body. Obviously, it needs electricty to
operate."
"Well now," said Lilian. "That sounds like a pleasant surprise."

"Yes," said Dong, "but I made all that up. There is no electric, massaging chair. Although there
is prison time for you. Do you like prison?"
"No," said Lilian.
"That's what they all say," said Dong. "...Now! I'm going to get a cup of coffee at the local Tim
Hortons. You guys have to wait here. Does anyone want anything?"
"Really?" said Alvie. "You're offering us Tim Hortons, after the way you treated us."
"Of course," said Dong. "I mean, I'm an asshole, but I'm not a monster. Every Canadian
deserves Tim Hortons. And poutine."
"That's real swell of you," said Manny.
"Thank you," said Dong. "What would you like me to order you?"
Manny stared up at Dong who had out a notepad and pen.
"I want an order of justice," he said.
"Tim Hortons doesn't have that -- yet," said Dong.
At this moment suddenly Lilian started crying into her robotic hands.
"I can't believe it," she wailed. "I'm going to be locked up in a prison with all women."
"You think that's bad?" said Alvie. "How about being surrounded by horny, muscley men?
That's way worse."
"As if," said Lilian. "Women are way more irritating than men. Trust me. I'm a lesbian. I know
about these things. We're very miserable people."
"I have to worry about dropping the soap," said Alvie. "What do you have to worry about?
Scissoring?"
"Don't know what that is," said Lilian.
Alvie whipsered into Lilian's ear. Lilian's eyes went wide.
She didn't know what to say, other than, "Goody goody gum drops!"
"Man-alive," said Dong. "I'm actually starting to worry about the four of you. You guys don't
seem to know your ass from your heads."
Charlton stood up.
"I know enough to know that what you're doing to us is injust," he said. "We won't let you throw
us into prison. Justice will be on our side."
"Is that so?" said Dong.
"That is very so," said Charlton. "I'd stake my life on it."
Chapter 24: Day Court
One week later, Charlton, Alvie, manny, and Lilian were in court being sentenced to life in prison.
Judge Unfair banged her gavel to officiate the ruling: GUILTY.
"Oh, Gawd," said Charlton. "What happened? Alvie, I thought you told us you hired the best
lawyer in all of Canada."
"I did," said Alvie. "However, last minute, he had to do another case, and instead sent in his
cousin Vinny."
"Whoa, hey," said Vinny Boyardee. "Is someone talkin' about me over here? My ears are burnin'
up like a Tiki torch."
"Of course we're talking about you," said Lilian. "You're a terrible lawyer. What law school did
you go to exactly?"
"I have 4 years training in culinary school," said Vinny Boyardee.
"Good gravy," said Manny. "You're a cook?"
"I'm not a cook," said Vinny Boyardee. "I'm a chef. A cook is a housewife, who warms up
Campbell's soup. I, on the other hand, prepare dishes for customers in restaurants."
"This makes no sense," said Charlton. "Alvie, why would your lawyer substitute himself with a

chef? Chef Boyardee, no less!"


"He's a lawyer," said Alvie. "What do you expect?"
"Yo, hey, quiet down, kiddies," said Vinny Boyardee. "Judget Whathisface is tryin' tah speak."
Judge Unfair, a manly looking woman, with a short haircut, and a pointed nose, adjusted her
glasses, and looked down.
"So," said Judge Unfair. "Do you four have anything to say for yourselves? Any final words?"
"Yeah," said Alvie. "How come we were judged by twelve people, who weren't smart enough to
get out of jury duty? Don't you think it would be a better idea to recruit people that aren't idiots?"
Juddge Unfair angrily banged her gavel.
"Their intellect is not for you to judge," said Judge Unfair. "That's for me to judge, because I'm
the judge, and I think they were perfectly capable of coming to this decision."
Alvie glanced in the jury box. There was a man picking his nose and eating his own boogers.
"Okay," said Alvie. "Sure."
Judge Unfair banged her gavel several times.
"I will not have have this attitude in my courtroom," she said. "You shall respect my authoritay.
You are in my courtroom and I will tolerate nothing except obedience. When I say 'Jump' you say
'Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, how high, your honor?'"
"Can we just go to prison already?" said Alvie.
"Will do," said Judge Unfair. "But first I must have a few words with your very incompetent
lawyer first. Mr. Boyardee, have you anything to say on this matter?"
"Your honor," said Vinny Boyardee. "I am at a loss for words. Clearly these kids are innocent,
but you, and your jury are condeming them because no one in here has eaten a Snickers Bars. Were
your hunger to subside, you'd come to the rational decision that these so called arsonists should be free,
and roamin' around the streets like foxes and racoons."
"You're right," said Judge Unfair. "Maybe I should eat something. Hang on a minute."
"Wait, no! Those are Mentos!" cried Vinny Boyardee.
But it was too late. Judge Unfair had eaten the Mentos, and was fighting a bear with boxing
gloves. The bear lost, but it survived the ordeal. Canadian bears tend be tougher than the average bear.
A Canadian bear can easily defeat an American bear in a fight, presumably, to the death.
"You know," said Charlton, "I'm beginning to question our justice system."
"Quiet, quiet, quiet!" said Judge Unfair. "Officer Dong, and company, please escort these fire
playing hooligans to the prison bus!"
Charlton's parents began crying. They didn't want to see their son go off to prison and be anally
ravaged. That sort of thing, they thought, should be saved for when you go off to university.
"You'll never take me to prison!" said Alvie. "I won't let you!"
Alvie picked up a briefcase lying to the side, pressed it, and made into transform into a jetpack.
He quickly strapped it onto his back and took off into the air. As he ascended he looked down at the
others.
"So long, sucker!" he said. "I'm off to live in Mexico as a free citizen! Sure, it's not the best
country in the world, but at least isn't cold, and there are no polar bears!"
However, Mexico was no destination for Alvie, as there was not enough fuel in his jetpack to
carry him up through the open skylight. He just reached the top, and then began falling.
"NOooooOoooOoooooOooooooo!" he cried.
And then he plummeted and crash landed onto the judge. Judge Unfair was thoroughly knocked
unconscious. Her body, however, served as a nice cushion for Alvie. Alvie stood up, walked down, and
paused to look at everyone in the courtroom, who were staring, baffled, confused, and puzzled.
Alvie shrugged. "Hey, at least I tried. As long as try in life you're a winner."
"Get him!" said Officer Dong.
And the police officers aimed their taser guns at Alvie and electrocuted him until his hair turned

black, and he smelt like freshly cooked bacon.


"Alvie..." said Lilian.
"Ah, don't worry," said Manny. "He's a tough kid. I'm sure he's alright."
"I think he's dead," said Charlton.
"Are you sure?" said Manny. "Maybe he's just playing Possum."
Dong and his men surrounded Alvie, and pointed their guns at him.
"Don't move," said Dong.
Alvie was unconscious and couldn't respond. The only thing he did was twitch.
"I told you don't move!" said Dong.
Dong began firing his gun wildly, until his magazine was completely empty. Seeing this horror,
many of the people in court, including Alvie's loved ones began openly weeping.
"Hey," said Dong, looking at Alvie's still intact body. "Something's wrong here. Shouldn't there
be blood pouring out of him?"
Dong and his men used their batons and began poking Alvie.
"He's already dead!" someone cried. "Leave him alone! Waaaah!"
Dong stopped and slapped his own forehead.
"Ah, that's right," he said. "I forgot. They filled my gun with blanks, because of all those
complaints about me killing innocent people."
"Duly noted," said another police officer.
At this moment Alvie began stirring. He opened his eyes and sniffed the air.
"Does someone smell bacon?" he said.
"Thank God," said Lilian. "He isn't dead."
Manny wiped a tear away from his cheek.
"Are you crying?" said Charlton.
"Yes," said Manny. "But not because of Alvie nearly dying. I just remembered that I left my
wallet on the cafeteria table at school. I had fifty bucks in there."
"Hm, I guess that's sad," said Charlton.
"Alright," said Dong, dragging along Alvie by the arm. "Let's go."
Lilian, Charlton, and Manny huddled together. They didn't want to go to prison. Generally, most
people don't want to go to prison, so I didn't really need to tell you that.
Dong went up to the others, and gestured with his chin, telling them to follow.
"Come on, you too," said Dong.
"I can't go to prison," said Charlton. "I've watched too much TV shows. Someone's going to put
a carrot up my bum hole while I'm asleep, then they'll draw a penis on my face. But it'll be really hard
to wash off, because they used a permanent marker."
"Use some hand sanitizer," said Alvie. "It gets permanent marker off a lot of stuff."
"Alright, Martha Stewart," said Dong. "Quit yer yapping. We have to go now."
Then more police officers appeared, and surrounded Alvie, Manny, Lilian, and Charlton. They
put them and handcuffs, and began taking them away. The courtroom doors swung open and they were
walked through the hallways, until they reached the outside world.
Outside there were cameras and bulbs flashing. The press was eager to make money off the
infamous Saint Rogers High Arsons. They rushed ahead, and shoved out the microphones, and
recorders.
Here is a list of some of the question they asked:
- Why did you do it?
- Do you think the system has failed you?
- What gave you the idea to start that fire?
- What music do you listen to?

- Do you play violent video games?


- What TV shows do you watch?
- Did you grow up in a broken home?
- If so, why?
- What do your parents think?
- Do you believe in Satan?
- How many fingers am I holding up?
- Are you an idiot?
- Are you actually a broom disguised as humanbeing?
- Can I have your autograph? It's not for me. It's for my kid.
- Do you have change for a fiver?
"Please," said Charlton. "Leave us alone. No. I don't have change for a fiver."
"These questions are so idiotic," said Alvie. "I feel like I'm in school."
"Don't say anything bad," said Lilian. "If any of this video goes on the internet, which it will
people on YouTube will make fun of you. And as we all know their opinions matter the most."
"I'm not worried," said Manny. "This is going to make me famous, then when I'm out of prison
I'm going to write a book, and make hundreds of dollars. I've already thought of a title. I shall call it:
Confessions of a Canadian Dwarf."
"Hm, I don't know if I'd buy that," said Charlton. "What makes you so interesting? What exactly
have you done with your life?"
"Are you not listening? I'm going to prison," said Manny. "Am sure there'll be a lot of stories to
tell once it's done."
"So, what sorta stories do you anticipate?" said Lilian.
"I dunno," said Manny. "Stories of rape, murder, things like that."
"Please," said Alvie. "Don't mention rape."
"I'm not worried about rape," said Manny. "If anyone grabs me from behind, and tries sticking it
up my hole, I'm gonna tighten up my butt cheeks, and rip off his wing wang. After that no one will
mess with me. It's a foolproof plan, I tell you. I mean think about it for a minute. If you were a rapist,
and you heard some guy ripped off another guy's dick with his buttcheeks, would you even think about
trying?"
"That depends," said Alvie. "How much of this guy's dick have you ripped off?"
"I dunno," said Manny. "The whole thing."
"What if he's really huge?" said Alvie. "How can you grasp the whole thing and tear it off? The
only way is giving him full entry."
"Fine," said Manny. "Just the tip. I'll only rip off the tip off his dick."
"That's not as good," said Alvie.
"Oy," said Manny. "The tip off someone's dick is plenty enough. Blood will be everywhere."
"Yeah, but what if the guy giving it to you has HIV?" said Alvie. "You'll be HIV positive after
you rip his dick off."
"Fine," said Manny. "I'll shit on his dick...like a squid shooting its ink to escape."
"Won't work," said Alvie.
"And why not?" said Manny.
"Can you shit on demand?" said Alvie.
"Yes, actually, I can," said Manny.
"Wow," said Lilian. "You can shit on demand. That's quite a gift."
"Not a huge amount," said Manny, "but enough to deter a rapist."
"Fine," said Alvie, "so you can shit on demand. But you do realize there's still a problem with
this plan, right?"

"Lord," said Manny, "you are a negative one. Alright, what's the problem?"
"Your rapist's wiener is going to act like a plug," said Alvie. "You won't be able to push your
shit out. And since you're a dwarf, your hole is probably extra small, so it's going to be plugged up
pretty good. Unless we are to assume it's another dwarf that'll be giving it to you. Or a Chinaman."
"Racist!" said Lilian. "That's racist!"
"How do you know they've got small ones, anyway?" said Charlton. "Have you seen a lot of
penises in your life time?"
"Uh, no," said Alvie. "I heard about it. From a friend."
"What friend?" said Charlton.
"You wouldn't know him," said Alvie. "He's from the deep south."
"Where in the deep south?" said Lilian.
"Windsor," said Alvie. "Have you been?"
"ALRIGHT," said Dong, interrupting. "You can get on the bus now."
Dong pushed Charlton and the others onto the prison bus. The prison bus looked like a school
bus, except it was grey, and all the windows at the side, and back, were covered in metal bars. Once
you went in there was no escape, except through the front, which had a lockable gate.
Charlton, Alive, Lilian, and Manny were taken through this gate, and made to sit. Much to their
chagrin their handcuffs were not removed. They sat uncomfortably, looking around at all the strangers,
who were big, burly, very angry-looking men.
"Oh boy," said Manny. "This is gonna be fun."
"Actually, I don't think it's going to be much fun," said Charlton. "I think it'll be quite a
harrowing experience."
Manny sighed. "I was being sarcastic."
"Oh, okay," said Charlton.
Officer Dong locked the front gate.
"Good luck, everyone!" he said.
Then he exited the bus, which began driving off immediately as soon as his foot touched the
pavement. Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny looked out the barred windows, watching the faces they
knew slowly disappear.
"Well, this sucks," said Alvie.
"Least we're sitting together," said Charlton. "That's nice."
"None of this makes any sense," Lilian said in a fretful voice. "Why are we being placed on a
bus with adults? Shouldn't we be heading to juvie? Second, why am I here? I'm a girl. Third, how is it
that the minute after we were sentenced we are made to go to prison? Isn't there some sort of waiting
time?"
"We're living in Montenegro, Canada," said Manny. "Everything up here is weird and
backwards. Like Australia. Or Florida."
"Still," said Lilian. "I think my complaints are valid. I mean this whole thing is complete
bullshit. Remember at the police station? They didn't even allow us to make a phone call. They made us
use telegraph. What type of police station has telegraph?"
"Budgets cuts, I guess," said Charlton.
"OK, forgetting everything," said Lilian, "don't you think it's a little harsh that we are being
handed a life sentence? LIFE!"
"Technically," said Alvie, "it's not a life sentence. In Canada the maximum amount of time you
can spend in prison is 25 years."
"Ah, Canadians," said Manny. "They're so soft and merciful. Except in our case. Bastards!
When my 25 years is up, I'm getting out of here. I'm heading to Scotland."
"Why Scotland?" said Charlton.
"I liked fried foods," said Manny, "and I assume when I'm older I'll become an alcoholic. I

should fit right in."


"Hey," said Charlton. "You guys ever get a song stuck in your head?"
"What song you got stuck in your head?" said Manny.
"Wheels on the bus," said Charlton. He started singing. "The wheels on teh bus go round and
round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go around and round --"
"Argh! Stop!" said Alvie. "We already know the lyrics. You don't need to sing them to us. You're
making this trip to prison way worse than it should be."
"What's your problem?" said Lilian. "You don't like the wheels on the bus? Going round and
round?"
"Not particularly," said Alvie. "When I was 7 years old, I'd ride the bus to school, and every day
they'd play that song."
"So?" said Manny.
"Yes, and while this song was playing," said Alvie, "the bullies would torment me."
"God, what kind of torment?" said Charlton.
"They'd rub my head with their knuckles," said Alvie. "They'd give me wedgies. Push my books
to the ground. Put vinegar on my backpack. Pull my hair. Shove me, slap me, punch me in the arm,
light my hair on fire, spit spitballs at my head, spit in my face...and a bunch of other silly shit."
"Fuck," said Lilian. "Those were some rotten 7 year olds."
"They were the bus driver and teacher," said Alvie.
"A teacher got a a schoolbus ride to work?" said Manny.
"That's kind of odd," said Charlton.
"Oh, thanks, everyone, for your concern about my pschologically damaged childhood," said
Alvie. "I applaud your care and kindness."
"Come on," said Lilian, "it is pretty weird."
"Maybe she wanted to save money," said Charlton, "Or she couldn't drive. Lots of grown ups
can't drive. It's more common than you think."
"Is it now?" said Manny. "I suppose when you live in a city with excellent public transportation
that's a possibility."
"HEY!" said a voice. "Would you four shut the fuck up?"
All at once, Charlton, Manny, Alvie, and Lilian looked behind. There was a criminal of a man
staring down at them. He was big, and hairy, and had a mean stare. There were tattoos all over his face.
He also had those "I murdered someone" tear drop tattoos on his neck. It seemed he murdered about
two dozen men.
Manny stood on his seat and stared this man dead in his eyes. This man, by the way, was named
Lumrat.
"Hey," said Manny. "Why don't you shut the fuck up?"
"Sit down," said Lilian.
"What did you say?" said Lumrat.
"You heard me," said Manny. "Close your fucking yapper, if you know what's good for yah."
Lumrat began growling.
"Christ," said Charlton. "What are you doing, Manny?!? Are you trying to get yourself killed?"
Manny whispered. "I'm establishing dominance. If you back down you'll become his bitch.
Then you'll have to have anal sex with him."
"And you can't shit on his dick neither," said Alvie.
Manny barked at Lumrat. "What's the problem, cunt face? You got a problem? Why aren't you
saying anything?! Are you dumb, or just dumb?"
Lumrat gnashed his teeth.
"Hear me now, little man," he said. "When we get to prison, I'm going to make your life a living
hell."

"No," said Manny, "I'm going to make your life a living hell!"
"Nice come back," Lilian whispered.
"That's it," said Tarmul, "I'm going to make your life a living hell right now."
Tarmul got out of his seat and stood in the aisle. Manny did the same and faced this beast of a
man head on.
"Let's go!" said Manny. "What've you got?"
"Manny," said Charlton, "this isn't funny. I think you should apologize and hope he forgives
you."
"I've faced tougher people than this," said Manny. "He don't scare me."
"Prepare to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Lumrat.
Lumrat ran forward, top speed at Manny. Manny, being the dwarf he was, rolled between his
legs, and avoided the attack. As it so happens Lumrat had so much momentum that he crashed through
the gate, and then squashed the bus driver.
The bus driver went unconscious and the steering wheel he held went awry. The bus began
spinning, and on a secluded road, lined with trees, rolled, and fell hard into a ditch. By chance everyone
was knocked out from the ordeal, except Manny, Charlton, Alvie, and Lilian. They groaned and then
checked on each other, after turning themselves the rightsideup.
"Guys," said Charlton, "are you okay?"
"I think I'll live," said Alvie.
"So," said Lilian, "what do we do? Should we just wait, until they wake up?"
"You mad?" said Manny. "We get the hell out of here, and escape."
"Are you serious?" said Lilian.
"It's a life sentence," said Manny. "Do you want to spend your days on the run in sunny Mexico,
or locked up in a prison, with adults who want to eat your brains?"
"They aren't zombies," said Alvie.
"I know," said Manny. "I was being metaphorical."
"You're right," said Lilian. "We have no choice. We have to take this chance."
Lilian started heading for the exit, which proved slightly difficulty as she had to step over
several bodies, and walk across a floor that was oriented the wrong way. But eventually she got out,
and so did the others.
Chapter 25: Dark Scary Forest - Part 1
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian escaped the prison bus. They looked around and found they were in
a dark, scary forest.
"Where are we?" said Charlton. "Some sort of forbidden forest?"
"Doesn't matter where we are," said Manny. "Just keep on moving. The assholes in the bus
might start wakin' up."
"Yes, and prey tell, what direction do you propose we go?" said Lilian.
"Dunno," said Manny. "Maybe I'll close my eyes, spin around in a circle, and then pick a
direction."
"Don't do that," said Alvie.
Manny closed his eyes, spun around, and then pointed.
"There," he said. "That's where we go."
"You're pointing at the prison bus," said Charlton.
"Hm," said Manny. "That is a problem."
"So, okay," said Alvie, "who's going to lead the way then? Who here has a clue about
anything?"
"Hm, you're pretty smart," said Manny. "Why don't you take the reins?"

"Me?" said Alvie. "Oh no, I couldn't take the pressure. What if I lead everyone to their doom?"
"We'll take the chance," said Charlton.
"Well," said Alvie, "this is quite the honor. Hm, let me think for a minute."
Lilian looked back at the bus. She saw some people were moving around.
"Hurry it up," she said. "We don't have all minute."
"Fuck," said Alvie. "Let's just go in the opposite direction of that bus."
And so, with Alvie leading the way, Charlton, Lilian, and Manny went in the opposite direction
the prison bus. At a hurried pace they kept on going, until it was completely out of sight. They then
stopped to take a break. They all sat down on the leafy, forest floor.
"Alright," said Alvie. "At least we're out of sight of that prison bus."
"We should climb back up the road to civilization," said Lilian. "I'm hungry."
"No," said Alvie. "We can't go back on the road we were traveling. They'll find us in no time.
We gotta set our own course."
"Good idea," said Manny. "And after we find our own course what do we do from there? How
does someone even get out of Canada and to Mexico?"
"What's with you and Mexico?" said Lilian. "Can't we go somewhere else?"
"Mexico is the only place we can go, where we won't get caught, and won't have to fly," said
Manny. "All other countries are off our list, if they're not connected to Canada by land."
"We could always steal a plane," said Lilian, "and go somewhere nice."
"Alright, alright,." said Manny. "Listen up. We'll go to Mexico, steal an airplane, head over to
Cuba, then Morrocco, and then, finally, get ourselves to Scotland. Alvie, you can make up the fake
documents, hack their computers so it looks like we're citizens, and make counterfeit money. I know it's
illegal, but we need the cash to buy haggis and Lucozade."
"So, you really expect me to do all of that?" said Alvie. "That's gonna take me at least a month
to do."
"Oh, you don't have a month to spare?" said Manny in an irritated tone.
"Alright, alright," said Alvie. "I'll try my best. But no promises."
"Good," said Manny. "'Cause we all gotta stick together. Don't we?"
Lilian and Alvie nodded. Charlton, on the other hand, had his head down. He looked rather
depressed.
"Charlton," said Manny. "Are you not a part of the team? We have to stick together. Don't we?"
"Yeah," said Charlton. "I know."
"Come on," said Manny. "Cheer up."
"Oh, cheer up?" said Charlton. "Why didn't think of that earlier."
"Alright, so it's kind of a stupid thing to say," said Manny. "But what else should I tell you?"
"Tell me you have a time machine," said Charlton, "and we can go back into the past, and
change all of this."
"Sorry, I don't have a time machine," said Manny.
"Me neither," said Alvie. "Although I am working on it. Do any of you know where I can get
some plutonium?"
Lilian got up and sat beside Charlton to comfort him. She put her robotic arm around his
shoulder.
"Charlton," said Lilian, "I know you're scared, and you're home sick, and you want everything
to go back to normal, but -- man the fuck up."
"That's your advice, huh?" said Charlton.
"It's what my therapist used to tell me," said Lilian. "It kinda helped me get through rough
times."
"You got a therapist?" said Manny.
"I started going after I lost my limbs," said Lilian.

"How did you lose your limbs," said Alvie.


"Oh, I lost it when I went to spain and ran from the bulls," said Lilian.
"A bull attacked you?" said Manny. "What was it like?"
"Actually, I was kidnapped," said Lilian. "The kidnappers cut off my limbs one by one, and sent
it to my parents through the mail. They let me go after they realized my parents didn't want to empty
out their nest egg to pay for my release."
"Christ almighty," said Manny. "No wonder you're such a bitch all the time."
"I'm not a bitch," said Lilian. "You Vienna sausage."
"Why'm I a Vienna sausage?" said Manny.
"A Vienna sausage," Lilian explained, "is the smallest of all sausages. Therefore, you are the
Vienna sausage of human beings."
"Jokes on you," said Manny. "I like Vienna sausages and take that as a compliment. You bitch."
"Ah, damnit," said Lilian. "I knew hanging out with boys would get me in trouble. I shouldn't
have ignored my lesbian instincts."
Chapter 26: Dark Scary Forest - Part 2
The hours went by and soon it became dark. Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian decided to stop
walking around, and camp out. They went around together collecting wood for fire, and to make a
shelter. Then after they sat on a long, and sat in front of a flame. They sat a close as possible to stay
warm.
"Damn you, fucking fire!" said Alvie. "You got us in trouble! You asshole! Piece of shit, oxygen
consumer!"
"Seriously?" said Lilian. "You're yelling at a fire?"
"It put us in this situation," said Alvie.
"No, someone framed us," said Lilian.
"But who do you think it was?" said Manny.
"I don't know," said Charlton. "Was it you?"
"What? It wasn't me," said Manny. "How dare you accuse me, you transgendered giant."
"Isn't it obvious?" said Alvie. "It was Tarmul."
"He's too dumb to frame us for arson," said Lilian.
Alvie snapped his fingers. "It's gotta be Principal Scooter."
"Look, I know he looks like a pedophile, and everything, but I don't think it was him," said
Charlton.
"Then it can only be one person," said Alvie. He pointed to himself. "It was me."
Everyone gasped.
"I read about it in a book," said Alvie. "Split personalities. You ever hear about it? I bet that's
what this is. Alvie Mcbride by day, Little Hitler by night."
"I know you're smart," said Manny, "but you're not that smart."
"Hm," said Charlton, "we gotta think about who hates us."
"Lots of people hate me," said Lilian, "even you guys. I have no idea."
Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny took some time to think, and then all at once they said,
"Handsome Sam."
Manny stood up.
"Ah, that fucker," said Manny. "I knew it was him. That sneaky pile of puke."
"I can't believe we didn't put the the two together earlier," said Lilian. "Of course it was him.
He's a slimy bastard."
"Fucking chink," said Alvie.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your horses," said Charlton. "There's no need to get racist."

"But I hate him," said Alvie. "Why shouldn't I say something that would piss him off? When
you insult someone you're insulting them. There's nothing off limits, right?"
"I guess you're right," said Charlton, "but something about it doesn't feel right. What if God
exists and he's Chinese? You're insulting God."
"Remember, I'm an atheist?" said Alvie. "I don't believe in that shit. God can go --"
"Don't say it," said Charlton. "We will be cursed, if you do."
"Fine," said Alvie. "But it doesn't matter, because he doesnt exist."
"Why don't you believe in God?" said Charlton. "Because you're a scientist?"
"Exactly," said Alvie. "I'm an objective person at heart. I don't believe in things just because
people say so. Kids think Santa Claus is real, but does that mean he's real? Fuck no."
"Ah," said Charlton, "I feel sorry for you. There is no room in your heart for magic."
"Who needs magic when you have science?" said Alvie. "Science is better than magic. It's real...
It's da real MVP."
...
"So!" said Lilian. "Does anyone want to tell any scary ghost stories? We are sitting around a
campfire and all."
"Oooh," I have a ghost story," said Charlton. "I'm glad you asked."
"I don't believe in ghosts," said Alvie. "So this isn't going to scare me."
"Big man," said Manny.
"Alright," said Charlton. He leaned forward to tell his story. "It's about four teenagers. Just like
us. They were all sitting around a campfire telling ghost stories when --"
"Fuck, this is meta as shit," said Manny.
"Shhhh!" said Lilian.
"Sorry," said Manny.
"So, there they were," said Charlton, continue on, "sitting around telling ghost stories when they
heard the snapping of a branch."
Suddenly there was the sound of a branch snapping. Everyone whipped their heads back, but
couldn't see in the dark.
"What was that?" said Lilian.
"I heard it too," said Manny. "Is someone out there?"
"I know what this is," said Alvie. "You're trying to scare us, Charlton. Very clever. So, what, you
snapped a twig under your foot or something? No, wait. I get it. It's the fire. We put all this wood in
there and now it's crackling. So, it's perfect for your story, because it makes us think it's actually
happening. Clever. Most clever."
"I disagree with what you say," said Charlton, "but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
Okay, maybe not to the death. But I'd definitely write a stern letter."
"Shhhh!" said Lilian. "I can hear something."
Lilian stood up, and turned her head, so that her ear pointed outward.
"Do you hear that?" she said.
There was a sound of crunching like that of someone stepping on leaves.
"I'm not hearing anything," said Alvie.
"Me neither," said Manny.
"That's because you've both you've both damaged your hearing by listening to loud music," said
Lilian.
"Oh shit," said Charlton. "I regret listening to all that Barry Manilow now."
"Quiet," said Lilian.
Lilian tiptoed over to where she thought the sound was coming from.
"It's getting louder," said Lilian. "It's growling... There's a heart beat... Lub dub, lub dub...
Someone is watching us."

"You're scaring me," said Alvie.


"Get me a pointy stick," said Lilian. "I will poke it in its eye Krav Maga style."
"Get back here," said Manny. "Remember what happened last time?"
"Lilian Starr never backs down from a fight," said Lilian.
"Good God," said Alvie, "she's now referring to herself in third person."
Lilian took a stick from the ground, and lit it on fire to make an impromptu torch. She carried
out into the open of the forest. She walked ahead, carefully, and then saw a -- Sumatran tiger staring her
in the face. It growled, baring its razor sharp fangs.
"Uh, guys," said Lilian.
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny went over to Lilian, and stood behind her.
"Is that a Sumatran tiger?" said Alvie.
"Don't move," said Charlton. "If you don't move they won't attack you. Their brains are too
small. The only respond to motion."
"You're thinking of T-rexes," said Alvie. "T-rexes from a movie."
"It was a damned good movie though,' said Manny.
"Totally agree," said Alvie.
The Sumatran tiger hopped forward and snarled. Lilian waved her flaming stick side to side.
She and the group slowly stepped backward, hoping it wouldn't follow.
"Remember not to hurt it," said Charlton. "It's an endangered species."
"This isn't freaking Life of Pi," said Manny. "This thing is going to eat us, if we don't do
something."
Manny picked up a stone, and lobbed it at the tiger, hitting its nose.
"Oh no!" said Alvie. "You've only made it angrier!"
The tiger crouched down, and then leapt into the air at Manny. Manny instinctively ducked
down. The tiger overshot his mark and landed straight into the campfire. Instantaneously its fur went
aflame. It rolled out of fire, but could not shake off the flames.
"Someone help it!" said Charlton.
"How?" said Lilian. "We have no water here!"
And so the tiger, in a panic, ran around in a circle, bolted down between the trees, set several
nearby woodland critters on fire, and died like the big house cat it was. Charlton ran over to it with the
others behind. They looked at its crispy cat body and poked it with a stick.
"Stop poking it," Charlton told Alvie. "I'm pretty sure it's dead."
"Just checking," said Alvie.
Manny sniffed the air. "It smells quite nice."
Lilian sniffed as well. "I agree. Reminds me of a good steak."
"Are you thinking of what I'm thinking?" said Alvie.
"I think I am," said Manny.
"Let's EAT THIS TIGER," said Lilian.
"What, what?!" said Charlton. "I'm not eating this innocent tiger. I'm a vegetarian. And, also,
this isn't ours to use as we please. I'm pretty sure it escaped from a zoo or a circus. Therefore, it's their
property."
"I'm hungry," said Lilian.
"Me too," said Manny.
"Haven't ate in a while," said Alvie.
"This is immoral," said Charlton.
"How's it immoral?" said Manny.
"It just is," said Charlton.
"I know your arguments for vegetarianism," said Alvie, "but in this case I think we're morally in
the right. First of all, we're hungry. We aren't eating for fun. Second, we didn't kill this tiger, or treat it

ill. We had no hand in its demise. It just happens to be here. If we don't eat it some other creature will,
or it will go to total waste."
"But we did have a hand in killing it," said Charlton. "By we I mean Manny. And Lilian."
"What did I do?" said Lilian.
"Hey, I was only trying to defend myself," said Manny. "He came at me. I only got down to
avoid it."
"Alright, you all have your points," said Charlton. "But I'm still not comfortable with the idea of
eating a Sumatran tiger. It's so beautiful."
"It's not beautiful anymore," said Alvie. "It looks like a cross between a mole rat and a Siamese
cat. Look at it."
Charlton folded his arms. "Fine, then what will I eat?"
"There's probably some berries around here," said Lilian. "This is Canada after all. Fruit is
everywhere."
Charlton sighed. "So we're really going to do this? Okay, but it looks undercooked."
"We'll take care of that," said Manny.
"A bit of time over the fire will get it well done," said Alvie. "Unless you want it rare."
"Medium rare," said Lilian. "That's the way I likes it."
"Hurry up," said Charlton. "Let's carry this majestic creature over to the campfire."
On that behest Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny dragged the dead Sumatran tiger over to their
campfire. Alvie then took out his tiny motorized saw, and whirred the blade.
"Does anyone want the head?" said Alvie. "I want to take it as a souvenir."
"This is sick," said Charlton.
"Gimme a paw," said Manny.
"Lilian?" said Alvie.
"Ribs, please," she said.
"Are you sure you don't want anything?" said Alvie.
"No," said Charlton. "I'm not a barbarian."
At this moment Lilian looked down at her feet and noticed something laying in the ground,
under the dead leaves. She picked up the corner and found a newspaper. The story on the front page
was about a "MISSING TIGER" from the Montenegro Zoo, which was on loan from China.
Apparently, the tiger's name was Richard Parker.
"Hey, guys," said Lilian. "I think I know where the tiger came from." She showed everyone the
newspaper. "And the tiger's name was Richard Parker."
"I knew it came from the zoo," said Charlton.
"Wait a minute," said Manny. "I've seen this Richard Parker before. I went to the zoo with my
cousins. They have an exhibition at the Montenegro zoo, where you can play tug of war with it. Oh
God, I feel ill now. This is like eating a pet."
"I say we shouldn't eat it," said Charlton. "We should give it the proper burial that it deserves."
"I agree," said Manny. "A majestic creature as such deserves at least that."
Lilian nodded. "I'm 100% the way with you guys. Alvie, what do you think?"
"WHAT?!" said Alvie. He had already began cutting up the tiger. "I can't hear you very well
over the sound of me butchering this Sumatran tiger! Did you say his name was Richard Parker? Ha!
That's a cute name! Isn't that an Edgar Allan Poe reference?"
"Oh, Lord," said Lilian.
By the time Alvie was done the tiger was neatly cut into several pieces, with the head preserved
as a trophy of sorts. Alvie then started roasting Richard Parker over the flame and handed out the
cooked meat to Lilian and Manny.
"Are you sure you don't want any?" said Alvie, who was now eating a portion of tiger meat.
"I think I'm going to go look for berries now," said Charlton

He got up and wandered around, while the others stayed behind eating.
"Not bad," said Lilian. "Could use a bit of salt though."
Manny sucked the tiger meat juice from his fingers.
"Tastes better than anything else I've ever had," he said. "It's like every single animal that tiger
ever ate all rolled up into one. It's so juicy and tender. It's melting in my mouth. Alvie, can I get a bit of
its ribs?"
"Sure," said Alvie. "There's plenty to go around."
Chapter 27: The Road
The road was long with many a winding turns. It led the group to a small town called Smallington.
Smallington was a small, Canadian town that was known for its maple syrup production and harvesting
of innocent beavers. It only had a population of 3,409 people, but each person enjoyed their living,
which provided them with quaint log houses, plenty of trees, birds, wildlife, and fishing by the lake and
river.
"Wow, this place sucks," said Alvie. "I bet they only have one horse here."
"What's with the negativity?" said Lilian. "This place isn't so bad. It's...cute."
"I'm telling you," said Manny, "I bet a serial killer lives here."
"I'm more worried about us getting caught and turned in," said Charlton. "What if one of the
townspeople tells on us?"
"Won't happen," said Lilian. "People in towns keep to themselves. They don't want their quaint,
little, established lives interrupted. That's what small towns often have serial killers."
"Wonder if they have a Tim Hortons here," said Manny.
"In a small town like this?" said Alvie. "Doubt it."
Charlton pointed. "What's that then?"
It was a Tim Hortons. Not the largest Tim Hortons, but a Tim Hortons nonetheless.
"Well, I'll be a son of a bitch," said Alvie. "These Tim Hortons are everywhere. It's like it's a
national chain or something."
"Shall we go on in?" said Charlton.
"What else is there to do here?" said Lilian.
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny visited the local Tim Hortons. It was full of people, scarfing
down donuts, and sipping on coffee, and tea. They paused and turned their heads to look.
"I don't think we blend in very well here," said Lilian.
"Just act like them" said Manny.
Manny nodded to a customer and spoke in a southern accent. "Hey, y'all. Don't mean tah rustle
yer Jimmies, but do ye know where a boy can get some respiration 'round these parts?"
The customer looked away and continued eating her muffin.
"The hell was that?" said Alvie. "Respiration?"
"That's not a word?" said Manny.
"Not one used correctly," said Alvie.
"Never mind," said Manny. "Am sick of these people already. Let's just line up and get some
food already."
"Yes, let's do that," said Charlton.
Charlton, Manny, Alvie, and Lilian then got into the back of the line for some sugary provisions.
There was an old man at the front paying for his food in nickels, dimes, and quarters. He counted aloud
as he went along. "Ten cents... Fifteen cents... Twenty cents... Twenty five cents... No, wait, I got
confused. Let me start over again..."
"Aw, for fucksakes," said Alvie.
Half an hour later the old man finished ordering his small cup of coffee. Charlton, Lilian,

Manny, and Alvie were up next.


"Hello," said the very Indian cashier. "How may I help you?"
"Are you from India?" said Alvie.
"Yes," said Priyanka. "What's the matter?"
"I dunno," said Alvie, "just like why would you come all the way out here to make a living?
Surely, there must be a better place to make money than this town."
"They wouldn't let me into America," said Priyanka.
Alvie dropped his head. "I'll have a large coffee, and cruller, please."
Manny told his order to Lilian, since he couldn't be seen (properly).
"Cup of coffee," he said. "And a dozen donuts."
"You can eat all that?" said Lilian.
"Don't question me," said Manny. "Of course I can.'
"Anything else?" said Lilian.
Manny shook his head. Lilian then ordered a dozen donuts, a blueberry muffin, a cup of tea, and
coffee."
"Yes, sir," said Priyanka to Charlton. "What can I get you?"
Charlton couldn't decide. He kept on looking at all the donuts.
"There's so many to choose from," he said. "I can't decide."
"Pick what your heart desires," said Priyanka.
"I don't know what my heart desires," said Charlton. "And usually when I think I know what it
desires, it turns out to be totally wrong. One time I fell in love with this girl, and she turned out to be
terrible for me. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for half an hour. Does that count? I'm not sure it does
count."
"I can't believe this job pays minimum wage," said Priyanka. "Why didn't I become a stripper
like my dad suggested?"
"Alright," said Charlton, "I'll have a --"
"DON'T MOVE!" a voice interrupted. "If anyone moves a muscle, I'll fill 'em with holes!
Steadily but surely!"
A masked man named Pete, who was in his early 30s, was robbing the Tim Hortons with a bow
and arrow. He had the whole ensemble too. He even had on a quiver (that bag used for carrying arrows)
and a Hunger Games t-shirt.
Just about everyone put up their hands in the air.
"D-d-don't hurt me," Priyanka stammered. "Take all the donuts you want, even the special ones
that are available for a limited time only!"
"I don't want donuts," said Pete. "Okay, I do, but I mostly want your money."
"We don't have much money," said Priyanka. "It's only a couple Rupees in the till, I swear."
"What is a Rupee?" said Pete.
"I mean dollars, dollars," said Priyanka.
"Just empty out the register," said Pete. "Or as you call it a 'till.'"
Pete handed Priyanka a bag with a green dollar sign on it.
"Fill it up," he said.
Priyanka pulled out the cash register drawer and filled Pete's shopping with whatever money
was available. It was about $11.00.
"For Godsakes," said Pete. "That's it?"
"We took out all the cash and dropped it off at the bank," said Priyanka. "It's not my fault.
Would you like those donuts now?"
"Goddamn it no!" said Pete. "I want some money! It was $20.00 in gasoline to get here!"
Pete took a moment to think and got an idea. He pointed his arrow, threateningly, moving it left
to right, and right to left at the crowd of customers.

"Listen up, everyone," he said, "I want you to come up here, and put your wallets and purses
into my bag. Cash and all. If anyone refuses, I'll be sending 'em to hell. Assuming you believe in a hell
and that you'll go there."
Reluctantly all the customers, including Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny, put their wallets,
and purses into the robber's money bag. By the end of it he was richer than Stephen King's therapist.
"Wow," said Pete. "Look at all this money. Finally, I can pay off a small percentage of my
student loans."
He then collected a garbage bag full of donuts. For some reason this infuriated Charlton.
Charlton stepped in front of Pete, getting in his way.
"Excuse me," said Pete. "Do you have a death wish?"
"Now, you listen here," said Charlton. "Taking everyone's money was one thing. I understand
the world runs on money, and you need it. But taking all the donuts? Come on. That's low. Most of
those are going to go to waste. You couldn't realistically expect to eat more than a few of them."
"I'm a hungry little boy," said Pete. "You don't know me."
"Either way," said Charlton. "I won't let you leave with those donuts."
Pete pointed his bow and arrow at Charlton.
"You're not going to shoot me," said Charlton. "I know your type. You're too much of a
coward."
And boy, was he wrong! Pete had no reluctance in shooting Charlton. Thankfully, he missed,
and only got him in the shoulder. Charlton fell back in agony.
"Oh God!" said Charlton. "This is a pain far worse than I imagined and I've only been shot in
the shoulder!"
"Ha!" said Pete. "Who's the coward now? Hm?"
Manny, who was behind boiling in anger, suddenly lashed out.
"That's it!" he said, and he ran behind Pete, and, at the perfect height, using all his strength,
uppercutted him straight in his delicate wiener.
When Pete doubled over in pain, Alvie and Lilian tackled him to the ground, and started
punching him wherever they could.
"Aggggh! Take that, you bastard!" Alvie said while thrashing his assailant. "How dare you rob
me! Do I look like an ATM?!"
"My punches are on behalf of womankind!" Lilian said as she punched. "Enjoy it, you filthy
man!"
"Puh-puh-please stop pummeling me," said Pete, shielding himself with his arms. "I'm not a bad
guy."
"You robbed everyone and shot my friend in the shoulder with an arrow," said Lilian.
"Okay," said Pete. "So, I am a bad guy. But does Jesus not say to forgive your enemies?"
"Luckily for me," said Alvie, "I'm an atheist."
And Alvie gave Pete the finishing blow and knocked him out cold. Then he stood up, with
Lilian, and along with Manny went over to Charlton to see whether he was okay.
"I'm dying," Charlton said in a strained voice.
"You're not dying," said Manny.
"There's this girl I'm in love with," said Charlton. "At school. Her name's Emicola. I know it'
sounds weird, but it's a combination of the name Emily, and her dad's favourite drink, obviously, CocaCola."
"What's your point?" said Manny.
"Tell her," said Charlton, "that I think she's a stupid slag, and that I hope she dies too."
"I thought you said you loved her," said Lilian.
"I do," said Charlton. "But I also hate her for being a deceitful whore. I mean, Jesus, how many
guys is enough for one person? I'm sure she has herpes."

"Um, okay," said Alvie. "I'll be sure to pass along the message."
"Thanks," said Charlton.
He closed his eyes and everyone around him thought he was dead.
"Omigod," said Lilian. "He's actually dead. Oh no."
Charlton opened his eyes. "No, I'm not. I was just taking a but of a rest."
"Shit, let's get you to your feet then," said Manny.
Lilian and Alvie helped up Charlton. They put his arms over their shoulders as the customers in
Tim Hortons stood by and watched. They began taking him over to the exit, slowly, and carefully.
Manny trailed behind.
"Shouldn't we call for an ambulance?" said Manny.
"The ambulance will come with the police," said Charlton. "We're wanted. So, that's not an
option."
"Oof, you're a lot heavier than you look," said Alvie.
"Sorry," said Charlton. "I didn't mean to be so fat."
"It's okay," said Lilian. "I'm not having any trouble whatsoever."
As Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny reached the glass doors to leave, a man nearby began
slowly clapping. Then as it were other people joined in too. At first they were clapping slow as well,
but the pace picked up, and all the customers in Tim Hortons started clapping. They were giving the
group an ovation for their heroic efforts. The group paused to look at all the people clapping. They
couldn't help but grin.
"You seeing this?" said Alvie. "They think we're bloody heroes. Literally bloody heroes. That
robber's blood got all over me when I was beating him up."
"This all very overwhelming," said Lilian. "I wonder if we'll get an award. We totally deserve
one."
"What's this feeling I'm getting?" said Manny. "I, I think I feel proud of myself."
"The clapping is like crack to my ears," said Charlton. "Mmmmm, crack."
Meanwhile, Pete, the robber was waking up. Seeing as everyone else was distracted, he stood
up, and quietly slipped out the front doors of Tim Hortons to make his escape. No one even noticed he
was gone. They were all so busy clapping and whooping that he went off undetected.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you all," said Lilian. "But we must be going now. Your clapping
is most appreciated."
"Stranger," said one of the townspeople. "At first I thought you were all a bunch of ugly freaks,
but I tell you, either way, you're welcome to stay here fer as long as yer like. You have my humble
gratitude."
"Umm, thanks," said Lilian.
"Don't let yourself be a stranger," said the stranger. "Y'all's come back now y'hear?"
"We will be back," said Charlton. "Don't you guys worry!"
And with that Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny left the Tim Hortons. While they were
dragging Charlton to Allah knows where, a small, Japanese man with a goatee approached them. His
name was Master Takara.
"Herro," said Master Takara. "How do you do? I am Masta Takara."
"Herro," said Manny. "How may we help you?"
"Let me heal you," Master Takara said to Charlton. "I know the Oriental secret to healing people
who have been shot with arrows."
"What's that?" said Charlton.
Master Takara grabbed the shaft of the arrow, stuck in Charlton's shoulder, and ripped it out.
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK!" said Charlton.
"I think you just made the wound larger," said Alvie.
"Not a good idea at all," said Lilian.

"Rerax," said Master Takara. "I will make it better."


He rubbed his hands together and put it on Charlton's wound. He then removed his hands and
found it did nothing.
"What was that?" said Charlton.
"I thought I could heal you by rubbing my hands together and touching your wound," said
Master Takara. "Never mind. I'll just use some clotting agent from my medical supplies kit."
Master Takara opened a pouch full of some sort of powder and poured it into Charlton's wound.
He then sealed it up, putting on some cotton, gauze, and tape.
"It's good for now," said Master Takara. "I cant treat it later on, if needed."
"Actually, I think I should see a doctor," said Charlton.
"I am a doctor," said Master Takara.
"A competent doctor," said Charlton.
"Please, don't insult me," said Master Takara. "I am a competent doctor. I have 3.5 out of 5 stars
on Yelp.com. And you know it's a review website you can trust."
Charlton stared silently at Master Takara, and then he said to the others, "Let's get the hell out of
here."
Alvie, and Lilian continued carrying Charlton, while Manny kept to the side, following. Master
Takara wouldn't let them leave, and again stepped in their way.
"Prease," said Master Takara. "I know about the four of you."
"You do?" said Manny.
"Yes," said Master Takara. "The four of you are on the run from the law."
"Oh God," said Lilian, "we're going to have to murder you. I don't want to, but --"
"Prease," said Master Takara, "I won't turn you in. I want to offer you help. I have a house by
the lake. You can all hide out there."
"Hmm, what's the catch?" said Alvie.
"Unfortunately, there are no fish at the lake," said Master Takara."
"I mean," said Alvie, "why are you helping us?"
"Yes, why?" said Charlton.
"I admire your heroism," said Master Takara, "and I see great potential in all of you. Especially
the small one."
Manny was flattered.
"I say we go and follow him," he said. "Obviously, he's a very smart person."
"What if he tries to murder us?" said Lilian.
"Agh, so much paranoia in this young one," said Master Takara. "I haven't murdered anyone in
ages."
"Good enough for me," said Alvie. "Let's go see this lake house of his."
Master Takara looked at Charlton with great intent.
"Alright," said Charlton. "What've we got to lose?"
"Our lives," said Lilian.
"Too late," said Manny. "You've been outvoted. Score one for demoracy."
"Damned democracy," said Lilian. "Hate it so much. It's ruining society."
Master Takara turned around to lead the way.
"Follow me," he said.
Chapter 28: Lake Sludge
There they were at the edge of Lake Sludge, beside Master Tanaka's lake house. The lake house was, as
you imagine, by the lake. It was a rather luxurious dwelling, with three levels, five bedrooms, and dojo.
(For those who are unfamiliar a dojo is a place where you go to train martial arts, usually karate.)

"What do you think?" said Master Tanaka.


"Smells like shit around here," said Manny.
"Don't be so rude," said Lilian, "it..." She sniffed the air. "Oh, it does smell like shit."
"Yes, yes, it does," said Tanaka. "And do you want to know why?"
"Why?" said Charlton.
"An evil man poured a cocktail of sludge and chemicals into the lake," said Tanaka. "Now there
are no fish here, because they've all died, and it smells like shit. But I still go for a swim every
morning. It's good for the bones, they say."
"Who polluted the lake?" said Alvie.
Tanaka narrowed his already narrow eyes. "Handsome Sam."
Everyone around gasped.
"Handsome Sam?" said Charlton.
"Yes," said Tanaka, "and I vow to get my revenge on him.... Do you know him too?"
"Yes, we do," said Manny. "He's been fuckering around with us the same. He framed us for the
school fire. At least that's what we believe."
"And," said Lilian, "he kidnapped us and wanted to do experiments on us. Something about a
Handsome Bomb?"
"The Handsome Bomb?" said Tanaka. "You don't say? I've heard of this."
"You have?" said Charlton.
"It was a device from the past that Adolf Hitler's scientists were working on," said Tanaka. "It
was a bomb that could make every single person on Earth look the same. Imagine that, if it succeeded
we'd all be tall, blonde, with blue eyes. How awful. I have a thing for brunettes."
"Wait, so, how would such a thing work?" said Lilian.
"I don't know," said Tanaka. "I can barely operate Microsoft Windows. Admittedly though it is
kind of a third-rate product."
"I've been studying the idea of a Handsome Bomb," Alvie. "It works based on nano-technology.
It's filled with nano-robots, robots invisible to the naked eye, that invade human cells and change them
from the inside out. But the genius about it is it's viral in nature. The nano-robots are self-replicating, so
they can spread like bed bugs. Or herpes. I'm more leaning toward herpes."
"We have to stop him," said Tanaka. "Handsome Sam must be brought down."
"How?" said Lilian. "What can we do? I'm just a girl and he's an evil genius."
"No matter how powerful someone is," said Tanaka, "if you unite, and persevere, you can win
against them. Remember how the Scots came together, and defeated their British oppressors to gain
independence, and freedom?"
"Um, that never happened," said Charlton. "They lost the referendum."
"Bah," said Tanaka, "you get my point. Everyone join together and form a team of super
heroes."
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian were stunned at the idea. In their teenaged brains forming a
team of super heroes was always a dream they wished to pursue, but due to school, and familial
obligations they were not able to do so. But now, now that they were fugitives, on the run from the law,
the opportunity to become heroes presented itself, and they could united together to form a special,
crime fighting organization to fight against the evils of the world, like other teenagers, and vending
machines that take your money but don't give you anything in return.
"What do you say?" said Tanaka. "Will you stay here and allow me to train you in the marital
arts, so that you can go around kicking the asses of criminals? Or people that just really annoy you?"
"I don't know," said Charlton. "This all seems so sudden."
Manny put out his hand for a hand huddle.
"Either way, I'm in," he said.
"Me too," said Alvie.

Alvie placed his hand on top of Manny's hand.


"You know I'm always up for a challenge," said Lilian.
She joined her hand in with the others. Tanaka then turned to Charlton.
"Charlton?" said Tanaka. "And you?"
Charlton gave it a moment of thought.
"...Alright!" he said. "Let's go kick crime's fucking ass."
And he put in his hand. Then everyone's hands were thrown up in the air to celebrate the
formation of their brand spanking new superhero team. But what would it be called?
Chapter 29: Nothing Exciting Happens
In the lake house, Charlton, Alvie, Manny, Lilian, and Tanaka were all sat around a table, trying to
come up with a name for their superhero team.
"I say we call it the Avengers," said Manny. "That is a kick ass name."
"It's taken," said Alvie. "We can't do that."
"How about Ass Kickers Anonymous?" said Lillian. "That sounds kinda cool."
"Yeah, but it sounds too much like Alcoholics Anonymous," said Charlton. "What if people get
the two of us confused? Plus, it makes us sound like villains."
"How about the Team Tanaka?" said Tanaka. "I rike the ring of it."
"Sounds alright," said Manny, "but you won't be fighting. So, people will be wondering who
this Tanaka person is."
"Not true," said Tanaka. "Look at Charlie's Angels."
"Screw Charlie's Angels," said Alvie. "I got a good name. I know you'll all like it. How about
we call ourselves THE EXPERIENCE."
"Say what?" said Lilian. "That makes no sense."
"It's an abstract name," said Alvie. "Like Green Day. There is no such thing as a Green Day,
unless it's referring to Arbor Day."
"Come on," said Charlton. "Let's stop throwing out these ideas aimlessly. We have to make our
name mean something. Let's think, okay?"
Manny snapped his fingers. "I know. How about we just use the name of this novel and call
ourselves the Real Outcasts?"
Manny picked up a novel sitting on the tabled called "The Real Outcasts."
"What's that novel?" said Charlton.
"Oh, I don't know," said Manny. "Was just sitting here. I have no idea what it's about. It's
probably stupid. But as they say, don't judge a cover by its book."
"Hm," said Lilian. "I like the name. It makes sense. We're real. And we're outcasts."
"What about trademark and copyright issues?" said Tanaka.
"What's the date on that book?" said Alvie.
Manny opened the book. "1812."
"Well, there you go," said Alvie. "The title's in the public domain. We can use the title if we
want without legal consquences."
"Wow," said Charlton. "I can't believe that book is that old. How did you obtain this antique,
Master Tanaka?"
"Aiyah," said Tanaka. "It's not really that old. That's the copyright date. It was printed a year
ago."
"Oh," said Charlton. "I feel like such a fool now."
Chapter 30: Training Days

The Real Outcasts, who shortened their team name to "R-O," began their days of training, and there
were many ahead. If this book was a movie there would be a montage.
And it would be organized like this:
-Everyone in the Lake House dojo. Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny are in their martial arts
uniforms. They bow to Master Tanka, who is standing at the front.
-The group is now running up a hill. Struggling. Manny is lagging behind.
-They are doing some ridiculous exercises, like carrying buckets of water, slapping water with
their hands, doing push ups on their knuckles, and striking a Wing Chun dummy. It's tough.
-Now they're skipping. Then lifting weights. Then doing the bench press. Doing squats. Hitting
a heavy bag. Trying their best.
-Next they're sparring. They're practicing fighting against Tanaka. But Tanka is too strong and
swift, despite his age. He defeats them all, tossing them onto their asses.
-More running up hill.
-More weight lifting.
-Bicycling.
-Hitting the heavy bag. Hitting the Wing Chun Dummy.
-Swimming.
-Sparring against each other.
-They're now in the dojo, practicing their kicks, and punches.
-Then practicing elements Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Judo. Sambo. Krav Maga. Etc.
-Cut to: Everyone's breaking boards.
-Their strength skill, and speed are improving.
-They're running up the hill with ease.
-They're lifting weights with ease.
-They're striking the heavy bag, and Wing Chun Dummy, with extreme precision, and power.
-The hill that they struggled to climb up once is now surmountable.
-Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian,are sparring against each other, looking acrobatic, doing
their kicks, and punches, like their joints are lubricated.
-Then finally they face off against Tanaka once more, and they all knock him down. Tanaka
grins as he's on the floor. He's given a hand and is helped up.
Once again in the dojo, Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny are knelt down, before Master Tanaka. He
is standing in front making a speech. Graduation music is playing.
"So," said Master Tanaka, "we come to the ending of our training. After three hard days, I feel
you are all ready to fight against crime. Young birds you may be, I believe you are ready to spread your
wings, and fly. Today, I give to the each of you the black belts you have earned. Charlton Saintcloud,
please come forward."
Charlton stood up and went to Master Tanaka. Tanaka tied a black belt around Charlton's hip.
Charlton bowed, then went back to his spot.
"Lilian Starr," said Tanaka. "You are next."
Lilian went up to collect her black belt too. She bowed and said thank you, and then, like
Charlton, returned to her spot.
"Mcbride," said Tanaka. "Alvie Mcbride."
Hastily, Alvie went up. Tanaka made a fist and in a friendly manner tapped him against his chin.
He then put the black belt around his waist, and announced the name of the next student: Manny
Morowitz.
Manny ran up.
"Aaah, Manny," said Tanaka. "You had your ups and downs, but here you are, you made it.

Finally."
"Thank you," said Manny.
Manny received his black belt. He was pleased as punch. Not sure how that works. How can
someone be pleased as punch? The fruit drink or punch as in punching someone in the head? Anyways,
he went back to his spot.
"Students, students, students," said Tanaka. "I am most pleased at how all of you have done.
You have gone beyond my most wildest expectations. Now you are most ready to fight crime. Take
these mortarboards and place them on your heads, then throw them in the air to celebrate."
Tanka handed everyone their mortarboards and then they threw them up in the air to celebrate
their achievement.
"Okay," said Tanaka, "enough celebration time. Let's go kick some arse!"
Chapter 31: The War Woom
Everyone was in the Lake House war room. They all sat around in a circular formation, like they were
at the United Nations. But unlike the United Nations they actually had plans to get something done.
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton. "What's our first assignment? I'm itching to do some crime
fighting."
"Well," said Tanaka, "we live in a small town. It's mostly free of crime. Although occasionally
someone will act like a douchebag."
"I say we leave this town, and go find some scumbags," said Lilian.
"No, we cannot," said Tanaka. "It is too dangerous. You must first build up your experience
here. Because remember none of you are Asian. You don't have magical abilities. You can't just go out
and expect to start roping in the criminals."
"Wait, I think we're forgetting something," said Manny.
"What is that?" said Alvie.
"We don't have alter egos," said Manny. "Shouldn't we each have a super hero name and a
costume? And catch phrases?"
"Damnit," said Tanaka. "It was so hard to come up with your team name. Now everyone needs a
nickname?"
"It won't be so hard," said Manny. "The team name was harder because we all had a say. This
time it's up to the individual. No bureaucracy to it."
"Okay," said Tanaka. "Let's hear it."
"I will be Superman," said Manny.
"I'm Batman," said Alvie.
"Damnit," said Charlton, "and what will I be?"
"Spiderman?" said Lilian.
"I don't wanna be Spiderman," said Charlton. "He is neither rich nor has the powers of a god."
"Thor?" said Lilian.
"Neh," said Charlton. "Reminds me too much of Shakespeare."
"Hang on," said Tanaka. "Are we not forgetting? Copyright infringement laws?"
Manny snapped his fingers. "He's right. We gotta be original. Alright, call me: The Wolverine."
"Taken," said Alvie.
"Okay," said Manny. "The Falcon."
"Taken," said Alvie.
"Fine," said Manny. "The Scorpion."
"Again," said Alvie, "taken."
"For fucksakes," said Manny. "All the cool names are taken."
"Screw it," said Lilian. "We're on the run from the law. It doesn't matter if the name's are taken.

As long as it's a generic word you can find in the dictionary, we should be able to use it. Why not? Why
does a company get to take a word and have it for themselves?"
"Why do we even need these nicknames anyway?" said Charlton. "Can't we just use our own
names?"
"We can't," said Alvie. "The criminals will stalk us then to get revenge."
"Well, what about cops?" said Charlton. "They don't seem to have these problems."
"Cops are different," said Manny. "They're part of a well funded organization, with weapons.
There are like four of us."
"Okay," said Charlton. "I understand, and I think my moniker shall be: Kaptain Krayzee!!!
Because people think I'm crazy. By the way, to set myself apart, it's spelt K-R-A-Y-Z-E-E and the
captain is spelt with a K too."
"Okay, my turn," said Manny. "I shall be Captain Pinball, because I'm quick, hard as steel, and
generally lots of fun."
"Wait, wait," said Charlton. "We can't have more than one captain."
"Why not?" said Manny.
"People are going to call me 'cap' for short," said Charlton, "and it's going to be confusing for
everyone."
"Fine," said Manny. "I'll be Princess Syborg. Cyborg spelt with an S. Again, to set myself
apart."
"Hey," said Lilian. "That's the name I wanted."
"Too bad," said Manny. "I gave up my first name. I ain't giving this one up."
"Come now," said Tanaka. "Be a sport."
"Fine," said Manny. "You can be Princess Syborg. But I'm not too pleased with you taking my
name."
"Me next," said Alvie. "I'm going to be Doctor Kickass. 'Cause I'm as smart as doctor, and I
kick some serious ass."
"That's a silly name for a hero," said Manny.
"Oh, like yours is any better," said Alvie. "Wait, that's right, you don't have one!"
"Please," said Tanaka, "calm down. Manny. Take some time to think about a name that
represents who you are."
Manny closed his eyes to think for a moment. "I will be, uh... Captain Tanaka!"
Everyone groaned like, "Aw, c'mon!"
"What?" said Manny.
"You're not picking that name," said Lilian. "It's just weird. You have to choose another one."
Manny held his head. "Grrrrr, this is so difficult. Every single good name is taken. There's
nothing left. This is why I keep telling everyone that length of copyright is way too long. The author's
life, plus 50 years after death. That's way too much."
"Maybe," said Lilian.
"Mannysan," said Tanaka. "Relax your mind. Let it come to you naturally. Do not stress it."
Manny folded his hands, stared blankly, and then snapped his fingers.
"I got it," he said. "I'll call myself the Nutpuncher. I'm always punchin' people in their nuts.
Why not? What do you guys think?"
Nobody liked the name. But they all nodded, "Yeah, that's great. Perfecto!"
Manny was pleased, and then he became THE NUTPUNCHER.
Chapter 32: Nutpuncher, Princess Syborg, Doctor Kickass, and Kaptain Krayzee
Tanaka led Nutpuncher, Princess Syborg, Doctor Kickass, and Kaptain Krayzee through his house.
They wondered where they were going as he took them into the basement.

"I wonder where we're going?" said Doctor Kickass Alvie.


"Probably some sort of sex dungeon," said Manny. "He seems the type."
"I can hear you," said Tanaka. "I have limited vision, but I'm not deaf."
"Sorry," said Manny.
"Now," said Tanaka, "here we are."
Tanaka stood before a blank wall with the others.
"Where are we again?" said Charlton.
"When I lived in Vancouver," said Tanaka, "I used to work as a secret scientist in the Canadian
military. I took some things home with me, which I've modified them for everyone's use. And by
everyone I mean everyone here. Not literally everyone."
"Gotcha," said Lilian.
"Now," said Tanaka, "I shall say the secret password." He took in a breath. "Open
Sesame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Wow," said Manny. "Those are a lot of exclamations."
And then the wall in front split two, revealing a secret compartment. In this secret compartment
was a set of four super hero uniforms. They looked like high tech ninja outfits. Imagine, if you will,
Batman's suit on steroids.
"Holy guacamole, what's this shit?" said Manny
"Your super hero uniforms," said Tanaka. "They are bullet proof, knife proof, flame proof, water
proof, impact resistant, temperature regulated, enhanced with robotics that multiply both your strength,
and stamina, and it has a feature that mimics gecko skin, allowing you to climb up flat walls, even
glass. But the best part is it connects to your iPhone."
"Cool," said Alvie. "Let's try 'em on."
Alvie, Charlton, Lilian, and Manny took their super hero suits, and put them on. Each was a
different colour. Chartlton's suit was red, Manny's was black, Alvie's yellow, and Lilian's white.
"How do they feel?" said Tanaka.
"Fits quite well," said Alvie. "But don't you think yellow is a bit too bright for a suit?"
"Ironman is yellow and red," said Tanaka. "You don't hear him complaining."
"That's not the point," said Alvie.
"I don't care," said Manny. "I like it. I get to be black. Obviously, because I'm the coolest."
"Do these colours have any meaning?" said Charlton.
"Sure," said Tanaka. "You and Lilian are the Canadian flag. And Manny and Alvie are a
bumblebee. Bees are very important to our ecosystem, don't you know? Without bees there would be
massive, worldwide famine."
"The fuck," said Alvie. "I don't want to be the yellow part of a bee."
"Stop being so childish," said Lilian. "Yellow is a fine colour."
"I don't have any problems with the colour in general," said Alvie. "I just don't think it's right for
a super hero suit. I feel like a walking target."
"Alviesan," said Tanaka. "I do not have anymore suits. This is your colour. Accept it. Be at
peace with it."
"Fine," said Alvie. "But I hate you all and I wish everyone here misery and death."
"That's kind of a negative attitude," said Charlton.
Alvie folded his arms.
"Okay, shut up now," said Tanaka. "I have your first super hero assignment for you."
Everyone turned, and gave Tanaka their undivided attention.
Tanaka then unfurled a scroll and looked at it.
"You must visit 24 Ferry Crescent," said Tanaka. "There is a man you must vanquish. His name
is Jojo Junior. He's 6 feet tall, has a stocky build, black hair, and star tattoos all over his face. You must
beat him into submission until he gives you $2,000."

"Isn't that robbery?" said Lilian.


"No, no," said Tanaka. "He owes me that money. This isn't theft."
"Oh, okay," said Charlton. "That's good, I guess."
"This is rubbish, I tells you," said Alvie. "We should be kicking some criminal ass."
"He is a criminal," said Tanaka. "He owes me money."
"But --" said Alvie.
"No 'buts,'" said Tanaka. "This is your first assignment. I realize it's not exactly as you imagine,
but believe me it is a good start. Now, I won't have any arguments. Take yourselves outside, get on your
bicycles, and ride to 24 Ferry Crescent!"
"Damnit," said Alvie.
Chapter 33: Bike Ride
And so Alvie, Charlton, Manny, and Lilian went for a bike ride, heading to 24 Ferry Crescent.
"Eh," said Lilian, "you'd think we could get something better than bicycles to ride."
"It's good for the environment," said Charlton. "I suppose."
"Does Master Tanaka think we're Chinese?" said Manny.
"My legs are tired," said Alvie.
"Already?" said Manny.
"I'm the thinker of the team," said Alvie. "I'm not meant to do physical activities."
"And how do you think I'm doing here?" Manny said panting. "I'm riding a children's bicycle. I
can barely keep up with the lot of you.'
"We'll ask Master Tanaka for something better next time," said Lilian.
"You know what?" said Charlton. "I think us riding bicycles is fine. Maybe if we get famous it'll
inspire others to ride bicycles more. That'll reduce the amount of carbon released into the air. I know
the idea of pushing pedals isn't very sexy, but it's quite an efficient way to get around."
"Couldn't we at least get electric bicycles?" said Manny. "That way it won't be such a pain in the
ass to get up the hill."
"That'd be nice," said Alvie. "And --"
"Hang on a minute," said Charlton. "I think we're on Ferry Crescent now."
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian, on their bicycles made a stop at 24 Ferry Crescent. There
was a boat in the driveway. They walked up the path and rang on the doorbell. They seemed quite
nervous. They were fidgeting a great deal.
"Is anyone else nervous?" said Charlton.
"Not for nothing," said Manny, "but I am absolutely shitting myself."
"Gross," said Lilian.
"So," said Alvie. "How do we do this exactly?"
"We're Canadian," said Charlton. "We'll be nice at first, ask him for the money. If he doesn't pay
off, then the gloves come off."
"Hm, is that a hockey or boxing saying?" said Lilian.
"We're Canadian, so it's hockey," said Charlton. "But it could apply to both sports."
"Actually," said Alvie, "not a lot of people know this, but it's better to keep your gloves on. It
allows you to hit harder, because boxing gloves are there to protect your hand. The bones in your hand
are more brittle than a person's skull. Hitting a head is like punching a coconut on a spring."
"You ever been hit in the head?" said Manny.
"Not yet," said Alvie. "But we're wearing our super hero suits. The helmets should protect us
from punches."
"Yes, but what if someone goes for a nose shot?" said Manny. "Our faces aren't covered. Why is
that?"

"D-uh," said Alvie. "It's to show off our dashing good looks. Don't you want to show off that
beautiful face of yours?"
Manny shrugged, then the door to 24 Ferry Crescent swung open. It was answered by Jojo
Junior. Like described he had star tattoos on his face. Unlike described he was 8 feet tall, had steroid
grown muscles, and a very sharp looking cricket bat.
"Hello," said Charlton, "I --"
"I TOLDS YOU PEOPLE TO FACK OFF!" said Jojo Junior, and then he swung his bat at
Charlton so hard that is broke over his head.
Charlton stumbled back and fell to the ground unconscious.
"Oh crap," said Alvie.
Then Alvie got a taste of Jojo's fist, and Manny was tossed aside like a small sack of potatoes.
Lilian was the only one quick enough to roll out of the way and avoid getting struck.
"Looks like it's up to you," Lilian told herself.
And she did a fancy jump, and flipped herself up onto Jojo Junior's back, where he could not hit
her. Jojo tried shaking her off with all his might, but found she stuck to him like a gecko.
"Arghhh! Get off me!" said Jojo.
Lilian wrapped her arms around Jojo's neck and squeezed, cutting off the oxygen supply to his
brain. She held it for 6 seconds and made him go unconscious. (Yes, 6 seconds doesn't seem like a long
time, but it is plenty. Any longer and you put someone's life in danger. As a rule, holding a choke more
than 10 seconds has the risk of causing permanent brain damage or death. Which is not what any hero
or heroine would want to do.)
"Night night," Lilian said as Jojo crumpled to the ground.
Alvie, Manny, and Charlton awoke.
"You okay?" said Lilian.
"I think so," said Charlton. "My suit protected me. But shit it still hurt like a mother fucker."
"Yeah, hurt like a mother fucker," said Manny.
"Ditto," said Alvie. "Mother fucker."
"I guess I really cleaned up, huh?" said Lilian.
"Wait," said Manny. "We were supposed to get money from him." Manny tapped Jojo with his
foot. "He's unconscious. How are we going to make our demands?"
"Oh," said Lilian. "Yeah. I forgot about that."
"Let's just go in his home and take the money," said Alvie.
"Now, even I know that's wrong," said Charlton. "That's stealing."
"He owes Master Tanaka 2,000 bananas," said Alvie. "What's the difference between beating
him up to get the money and just stealing it? Come to think of it a straight up stealthy burglary would
be far less traumatic, psychologically speaking."
Charlton seemed flustered.
"This, this, this -- this is a moral dilemma!" said Charlton. "What should we do? Lilian? You
always seem to have good instincts about this stuff."
"Never mind," said Money, "I've got the money."
He waved a stack of colourful Canadian bills in his hand.
"Where'd that come from?" said Charlton.
"Ah, while you were yapping, I popped on inside the house, and took the cash," said Manny.
"Wasn't too hard. Not like he had a safe or anything"
"Christ," said Charlton.
"Let's go," said Lilian. She hopped on her bicycle. "Master Tanaka is going to be very pleased
with us."
So, Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny returned to Master Tanaka, who was tanning in front of his lake

house. He took the money casually and put it into his back pocket.
"Ah, yes, excellent work," said Master Tanaka. "I have some more work for the four of you."
"Oh boy," said Manny. "Here we go. It's gotta be something exciting now, isn't it?"
"Not really, no," said Master Tanaka. "I need you to collect money from another person."
"Aw, come on," said Alvie.
"This is just to build up your experience," said Tanaka. "You have to do this."
"Well, okay," said Lilian. "If it's to get experience."
"What is it?" said Charlton.
Tanaka told Charlton and the others the address of another person who owed him money. Then
they went off and collected it. It was a success, but something about it didn't feel right. The days went
by. No new, exciting assignments were given to the group. Over and over again, week after week they
kept being told to do the same old thing. It was always about collecting money.
One day, Charlton got fed up. Bursting through a door, he confronted Tanaka, who was relaxing
in his brand new hot tub.
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton.
Tanaka had his eyes closed. "Not now, I'm reraxing. Ooooh, I feel like an egg in a boiling pot of
water."
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton. "I have a complaint."
"Write a note and put it in a box," said Tanaka.
Charlton went forward and looked right down at Tanaka, so his voice could be heard.
"MASTER TANAKA," said Charlton. "I really need to speak with you."
Tanaka took the cucumbers off his eyes and sighed. "What do you want, Charltonsan?"
"I have a complaint," said Charlton.
"Oh, here we go again," said Tanaka.
"Every single assignment you give us," said Charlton, "we're collecting money for you. Alvie
told me that you're probably a loan shark. Is that true?"
"I wouldn't call myself a shark," said Tanaka. "I'm a provider of a much needed service. When
people are destitute, and in great financial need, like the bank, I take advantage of them, loan them the
money, and charge them an exorbitant, and unfair, interest rate. With lots of hidden fees and charges."
"That's terrible," said Charlton. "I don't want to work for your anymore. Me and the others will
hunt down Handsome Sam ourselves. Because that's what we came here to do."
"Listen to me carefully," said Tanaka. "This lake house costs money. Housing the four of you
costs money. Those fancy super hero suits you wear cost money. I need a way to pay for that stuff. You
collecting money from deadbeats helps me out. I don't do this because I'm evil. I'm not an evil financial
guy, who only cares about the almighty dollar. I have feelings. I have ideals. It's just that I've hit hard
times, so, sorry, I'm using you guys to get the help I need."
"If you're on such hard times," said Charlton, "why did you buy this hot tub? I'm sure this was
at least a couple grand."
"It was $11,000," said Tanaka, "and can't I treat myself once in a while, Charltonsan? Don't I
deserve that? The world is such a mean, cruel place, with cruel people. I just wanna have a slice of the
good life for once -- at the expensive of others. Is that so wrong?"
"Yes," said Charlton, "yes, it is."
"Well," said Tanaka, "what are you going to do about it?"
Charlton took a moment to think, but -"I don't know," he said. "Nothing, I guess."
"Mwah-ha-ha!" Tanaka laughed. "My obedient dog. I have trained you well."
Suddenly Charlton got angry. He grabbed Tanaka by the neck and held him in the hot tub.
"What, what're you doing?!" said Tanaka.
Charlton turned the dial on the hot tub and cranked it up to boil.

Tanaka gasped. "You're going to boil me alive! ...Why is there a 'boil' setting on a hot tub? Who
manufactured this product?"
"Open your little Asian ears," said Charlton. "I won't let you jerk me around anymore. I want to
do something good with my life. I want to be a hero. Because I'm not here to collect your debts. I'm not
your monkey, Tanaka."
Tanka tried pulling away from Charlton, but was too weak to do so.
"O-okay," said Tanaka. "I'll stop being a jerk. But I'd like to clarify I never called you a monkey.
I called you an obedient dog."
Charlton squeezed Tanaka causing him to make a croaking noise. Urk!
"And I don't want to ride around on a bicycle anymore either," said Charlton. "I want something
that goes 'Vroom! Vroom!' not 'Tring! Tring!"
"Okay, okay, anyt'ing you want," said Tanaka. "Just let me go -- !"
Charlton let go of Tanaka and turned down the temperature on the hot tub. Without saying
anything more he stormed off, leaving the Lake House spa.
"Christ," said Tanaka. "What an asshole."
Chapter 34: Little Wiener
Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian came off their motorcycles. In their super hero uniforms they stood
atop a hill and looked down at a farmhouse.
"Alright," said Charlton. "Here we are."
"You sure this is the right guy?" said Manny.
"We have all sorts of photographic evidence," said Alvie.
Alvie showed everyone photos of a young man vandalizing a bus station, knifing his name into
the glass, and painting it with pictures of an anthropomorphic penis wearing a king's crown. Because of
this, this young man gained the nickname Dickmeister.
"So, this is the abode of the Dickmeister, eh?" said Lilian. "It doesn't look that evil."
"Don't be fooled," said Charlton. "He's vandalized many bus stops, and brick walls, and set
aflame several garbage cans. The total cost amounts to nearly $95,000 or what a Canadian teacher
makes in one year."
"Wow, that's a lot of dosh," said Manny. "We're gonna make this scumbag pay."
"Wait," said Alvie. "Let's double check. We don't want to mete out justice to the wrong person."
Alvie took out a pair of binoculars and put them up to his eyes. He looked through a window in
the farmhouse and saw the vandal named Dickmeister. Dickmeister was a small, skinny fellow with
short black hair. He was masturbating to drawings of Japanese schoolgirls on his PC, while listening to
the music of Nobuo Uematsu.
"There he is," said Alvie. "It's definitely him. My God his penis is tiny. It can't be more than two
inches."
"Ah, yes," said Manny. "Vandals always have small penises. Not that there's anything inherently
wrong with small penises, so long as it's in proportion to your body size. But as it is vandals have small
penises in proportion to their body sizes."
"It's a well known fact," said Lilian. "People who do vandalism have tiny dicks. That's what
makes them vandalize places in the first place. They're angry at the world because their dicks are tiny.
So tiny that they can hardly masturbated properly; they have to use two fingers."
"Guys," said Charlton, "that is disgusting."
"It's true," said Alvie. "People who do graffiti and vandalize public property do have small
penises. Look for yourself."
Alvie handed his binoculars to Charlton.
"Wow," said Charlton, looking through binoculars. "His penis is mighty small. He probably

could use it as a toothpick to clean his teeth."


Alvie took back the binocular. "Come on now, don't exaggerate. It's not that small."
"Sorry," said Charlton.
"Anyway," said Lilian, "I think we should go kick his ass now.
"I know my name's Doctor Kickass," said Alvie, "but I think we should wait until he brings out
his slaves, so we can free them."
"Slaves?" said Charlton. "What are you talking about?"
"Besides having small penises," said Alvie, "vandals are also notorious for owning slaves. I'll
bet my bottom dollar he has slaves in his farmhouse. We just have to wait until he brings 'em out."
"Let's lay low till them," said Manny.
Manny, Alvie, Charlton, and Lilian got on their bellies to hide, and kept a watch on the
farmhouse.
"Anything yet?" said Charlton.
"Nope," said Alvie, looking through his binoculars. "The Dickmeister is still masturbating. And
what's this? He's beating off to a video of three dogs having sex. Well, this wasn't unexpected. Vandals
and graffiti artists are commonly into bestiality. Do you guys know Banksy? He loves bestiality. And of
course he has a small penis."
"Wait," said Manny, "if it's just three dogs in the video it don't count for bestiality. It would
actually be zoophilia."
"You spoke too soon," said Alvie. He continued looking through his binoculars at the
Dickmeister watching his pornography. "Here comes a lady in the video. Ooh, a British lady. There's a
British lady participating in this three-dog orgy."
"How do you know she's British?" said Lilian.
"The clothes," said Alvie. "She's wearing a Union Jack dress.... Do you guys know that British
women are into bestiality as well? Specifically English women. They love doing animals."
"Thought it was the Welsh," said Charlton.
"Nope," said Alvie. "English women made that up. They started that rumor to take the heat off
themselves. But English women, they're really the ones who are into fucking all manner of animals. It's
because they're sluts, huge, dirty, whoree sluts. They're the ones who invented anal sex. And
prostitution."
"God bless the English," said Manny.
"Did you know during the 19th century," said Alvie, "in London up to 10% of women worked
as prostitutes? How about that?"
"GUYS," said Charlton. "Let's focus on the task at hand, huh?"
"Right," said Alvie, peering through his binoculars. "Oh, look, Dickmeister is getting up to
leave. Wonder where he's going? Probably to get some Mountain Dew to drink."
After Dickmeister left his seat a door at the back of the farm house, leading into the field,
opened up. A a group of ten slaves, being led by Dickmeister, came outside. Barefooted and chained
up, they marched out onto the soil, and began digging with their hands.
"Are you seeing this?" said Lilian. "Slaves!"
"I'll be darned," said Manny. "I thought slavery was abolished in Canada. Well, you learn
something new everyday."
"Wait," said Charlton, "we never had slavery in Canada."
"Oh really?" said Alvie. "What do you think you're looking at right now?"
"Okay, so they look like slaves," said Charlton. "Maybe this is just a sexual fetish he has."
Dickmeister whipped his slaves.
"Mush!" he said. "Mush!"
The slaves groaned but could do nothing.
"I'm going to kill this guy," said Lilian.

"Hold onto your horses," said Charlton. "We need a plan of attack."
Charlton strained, thinking of a plan.
"Well, Kaptain Krayzee," said Manny, "what's your plan?"
"Okay, okay, okay," said Charlton. "Does anyone have a carpet? Or a rug?"
"Why?" said Lilian.
"My plan is we roll up Dickmeister into a carpet," said Charlton, "and throw him off a bridge.
What do you think?"
"We're not murderers," said Lilian.
"Doesn't have to be a high bridge," said Charlton.
"Either way," said Lilian, "we don't have a carpet."
Charlton looked disappointed.
"Man," said Manny, "look at Dickmeister whip those slaves. He ain't lettin' up."
Downhill Dickmeister began using his left arm to whip his slaves as his right arm became too
tired.
"Fuck plans!" said Lilan. "I'm going down to kick some ass!"
Lilian ran down the hill, with a warrior's scream, and charged into the field. The slaves looked
up. Dickmeister somersaulted out of the way to avoid Lilian's jump. The the two then played a game of
cat and mouse, Lilian being the cat.
"Argh, why do you keep moving around?" said Lilian. "I'm only trying to assault you. Stay still
and let me assault you."
Dickmeister pushed out his lips. "Kiss my grits!"
He then threw out his whip and bound Lilian together, tying down her arms to her body. Despite
her strength she couldn't break free.
"I can't move my arms," said Lilian. "What is this special material that is constricting me?"
"It's bondage quality leather," said Dickmeister. "It's practically unbreakable."
Meanwhile, up on the hill...
"So," said Manny, "do you think we should go and help her?"
"I dunno," said Charlton. "To be honest, I'm not really in the mood to fight."
"Maaah," said Alvie. "She's tougher than the three of us combined. She doesn't need us."
"Agreed," said Manny. "Let's continue watching.... Does anyone have any popcorn?"
And so they continued watching Lilian struggle. Dickmeister tugged on his whip and reeled her
in. Lilian, who was now on the ground, was having trouble breathing. Dickmeister had his foot atop her
chest. He was bearing down his full weight.
"Hyuk-hyuk," said Dickmeister. "Lookie what we got here. Another slave. But not just any
slave -- a sex slave!"
Lilian screamed, "Aghhhhhhhhhh! Aghhhh! Help! You guys! Help me! Where are you?!?!?
Help! Help! SOS!"
"Who are you screaming to?" said Dickmeister. "No one's around here except me and you... The
slaves don't count though, because I don't consider them to be human beings. They're more like my
property."
"Grrr, you scum bucket," said Lilian. "If I get free, I'm going to tear off your head."
"Hyuk-hyuk!" Dickmeister. "The things I'm going to do to you."
"Yeah, like what?" said Lilian.
"First," said Dickmeister, "I shall cut off your titties."
"What? Ew, gross," said Lilian. "What's with you white people and your insults? And your
threats? Not to be racist, but white people are really disgusting. Whenever you guys insult people
you're all like: 'I'm gonna rip off your balls,' 'I'm gonna fuck you in your ass,' 'Suck my cock,' 'I fucked
your mom,' et cetera. I mean Jesus Christ. I know we're not being friendly to each other, but have you
ever heard of something called decorum?"

"Lemme tell you something about us white people," said Dickmeister. "We're crazy, okay? And
there's nothing wrong with that."
"Of course there's something wrong with that," said Lilian. "Who wants to be crazy?"
"Crazy is good!" said Dickmeister. "It means power and wealth! If you're not crazy you can't do
things like take over the world or wipe an entire race of people, aka the Jews."
"The Jews are still here," said Lilian,
"I know," said Dickmeister, "and it's infuriating. I hate Jews. They think they're so great, but
what have they done for anyone?"
"Well, 20% of all Nobel Prize winners are Jews," said Lilian. "They've made enormous
contributions to science."
"Okay, yes," said Dickmeister, "but what have they done lately? NOTHING."
"I hear your complaints," said Lilian, "but I ask, what about you? I don't see you doing anything
so great."
"Hellooooooooo," said Dickmeister. "I'm bringing back slavery and lemme tell you it's very
environmentally friendly. If we replaced all our cars with slaves carrying us on palanquins, we could
remove several billion pounds worth of carbon from the atmosphere."
"Well," said Lilian, "I guess you have some good points there, but I really would rather pollute
the air than be your slave. So please do me a favor."
"What's that?" said Dickmeister.
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!" said Lilian.
Then Lilian, using her raw strength, broke free of Dickmeister's whip. She sprang up to her feet
and wrapped herself around his body. She grabbed his head and started pulling at it.
Dickmeister screamed. "Oh God! Stop! The pain!"
"Don't make this head tearing off harder than it has to be," said Lilian.
"No," said Dickmeister. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
A moment later his head was ripped off. It was a messy job, but the job was done. Lilian got up
and wiped the blood off her hands. At this time Charlton, Alvie, and Manny came down the hill, and
joined her. They saw what she had done. Dickmeister's head was just there, laying in the field, with a
horror of expression on its face.
"Jesus fuck Christ," said Manny. "You tore that guy's head clean off."
"Yeah, you tore that guy's head clean off," said Charlton, "and are you aware of the moral
implications? Not to mention the irony? We've become what we're fighting against!"
"Sorry," said Lilian. "I guess I just got aHEAD of myself."
"Oh, ha-ha, are we really doing jokes?" said Alvie. "Wait, I got one. Ah, wait...fuck. Naw, I
can't think of anything off the top of my HEAD."
Manny chuckled and clapped his hands.
"My turn," he said. He picked up Dickmeister's head and held it out with one hand. "Alas, poor
Yorick!"
But no one laughed.
"I don't get it," said Alvie.
"Seriously?" said Manny. "It's Shakespeare."
"I'll be honest," said Alvie. "I'm not up to snuff in the literature department. I'm more of a
STEM person."
"Who cares about Shakespeare anyway?" said Lilian. "He wasn't so great. Didn't he just copy
other people's stories? He's the Carlos Mencia of playwrights."
"Excuse me," said one of the slaves, "would you be so kind as to free us?"
"Oh, sorry," said Charlton. "Yes, we will free you."
Charlton went over to the slaves and inspected their chains.
"Anyone here know how to pick locks?" he said.

"Never fear," said Alvie. "Doctor Kickass is here."


He took out his tiny motorized saw and used it rip through the chains that were binding the
slaves.
"Thank you, thank you so much," said slave #1. "The four of you are heroes. And good job on
ripping off that guy's head by the way."
"Actually," said Lilian, "I kinda feel bad about it."
"Don't feel bad," said slave #3. "Our master was a total rapist."
Manny patted Lilian on the back of her leg.
"There you go," he said. "The Dickmeister was a rapist. You can't feel bad for tearing off the
head of a rapist, can you?"
"I guess it makes me feel a little better," said Lilian.
"So," Charlton said to the slaves, "I guess you're all free to back to Africa now."
"We're not from Africa," said slave #10. "We're from Brazil."
Slave #10 took Dickmeister's lopped off head and kicked it between two trees. If it were a
football/soccer game it would've been a goal.
"By the way," said Alvie, "just out of curiousity, how did you guys get captured in the first
place?"
"We were captured by a flying slave ship," said slave #4.
"Then we were put for auction on eBay," said slave #5.
"It was a most harrowing experience,' said slave #6. "When they were tied us up, I was
screaming at them 'po-ha!'"
"Waaait a minute," said Charlton. "You were captured by a flying slave ship?"
"eBay?" said Manny.
"Yes," said slave #7. "It came from the sky and scooped us up. At first we thought we were
being abducted by aliens. However, we were still anally probed."
"Do you know where this slave ship is?" said Lilian."
"If you wait for it," said slave #9, "it will come."
"Tell us more," said Charlton.
"We have to go now," said slave #10. "There is no more to say."
Then the ten slaves climbed up the hill and rode off with Charlton, Alvie, Manny, and Lilian's
motorcycles. They disappeared without so much as a look back.
"Damn it!" said Manny. "Those ten little niggers stole our motorcycles!"
Lilian cleared her throat. "Don't you think that's a little inappropriate, especially considering
your company?"
"No," said Manny. "Why would it be inappropriate? Agatha Christie wrote a book called 'Ten
Little Niggers.' If a world renowned author can say it, I can too."
"That's not that point," said Lilian.
"Yeah, apologize," said Alvie. "Even I know saying the word nigger is wrong."
"But what makes it more wrong than any other insulting word?" said Manny.
"Just don't say it anymore," said Charlton.
"Those slaves stole out motorcycles," said Manny. "I'm not trying to give them a compliment.
An insult is supposed to be insulting. Why shouldn't I call them niggers? They did something bad to me
and I'm doing something bad to me. It's not like I'm calling them that for no reason whatsoever."
... Silence ...
"Does anyone get what I'm saying?" said Manny. "I'm not telling you guys that everyone's a
nigger. Just those particular people."
"Okay, I get it," said Charlton.
"So, there," said Manny. "I've done nothing wrong. Lilian, admit it, those slaves were acting like
niggers, weren't they? We rescued them and how do they pay us back? By stealing out motorcycles.

That's plain niggery, if you ask me."


"Ahhh, I guess you're right," said Lilian. "I guess they are sorta niggers."
"So, you admit they're niggers?" said Manny.
"I'm not a nigger," said Lilian, "but, I think, they are niggers."
Manny pointed his finger. "YOU RACIST!"
"What?" said Lilian. "How am I racist?"
"You thought those guys were niggers," said Manny.
"After you convinced me!" said Lilian.
"I wasn't being serious," said Manny. "I was just testing you. You should never call anyone a
nigger. It's possibly the most terrible word in the history of mankind. I can't believe someone like you
would think such a thing."
Lilian groaned. "Let's get back to lake house."
She then began walking through the field, while the others followed from behind.
"Hey," said Charlton, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm still a bit perturbed about the whole
beheading thing."
"Heh, at first I thought it was a magic trick," said Alvie.
"An incredible feat of strength," said Manny. "I wonder, Lilian, if you could rip off someone's
torso. Now that would truly be disturbing."
"More so than a separated head?" said Alvie.
"Yeah," said Manny. "You never see someone torn in two. Way less common."
"But I think a beheading is more disturbing," said Alvie, "because you can be surprised. Like
put a head in cupboard, or a cardboard box, and then you find it where you're not expecting it, and
that's shocking. You can't hide half a body many places. That limits its ability to surprise."
"Hey, what about a severed penis?" said Charlton.
"Gross but not that disturbing," said Manny.
"And why not?" said Charlton.
"Someone's separated torso or head tells you someone died," said Manny. "A penis is just
another body part."
"Yes, but imagine waking up, and you pour out your breakfast cereal, and a penis lands in your
bowl," said Charlton.
"Yeah, that is kinda disturbing," said Alvie. "If that happened to me, it would definitely ruin my
image of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes."
"Guys," said Lilian, "would you knock it --"
Suddenly Lilian became interrupted. The ground was shaking like it was an earthquake. There
was a loud rumbling noise overhead. The others in response spread out their feet, steadying themselves
so that they wouldn't fall down.
"What the fuck is going on?!" said Manny.
Everyone looked up. Above them was a hulk of a flying ship, a galleon-style aircraft that had jet
engines, and war guns affixed to its body.
Chapter 35: War!
"Holy Lord Jesus," said Alvie. "Is that what I think it is?"
"I think it is what you think it is," said Charlton.
"What do you think it is?" said Lilian.
"The slave ship..." said Alvie. "A veritable flying fortress."
"And what the bloody hell can we do about it?" said Manny.
"Wait," said Charlton, "I think I see something."
Charlton squinted. There was lettering on the airship's underbelly that read: "ALL FAGS,

QUEERS, AND WEIRDOS MUST DIE...AND JEWS, AND BLACKS, AND IRISH. CAN'T STAND
THE BLACKS."
"Wow, what a hostile message to have," said Alvie. "Do you think this airship owner might be
from Scotland? Or Australia? Or Texas? Or perhaps Quebec?"
"Either way," said Lilian, "this is all sorts of wrong. What type of person hates the Irish? That's
like hating a Canadian."
"We need to follow that ship," said Charlton.
"How?" said Manny. "Those ten little slaves stole our rides. And I don't think we can run after
this thing."
"Alvie," said Charlton, "you know what to do."
"Don't call me Alvie," said Alvie.
"Why not?" said Charlton. "It's your name."
"Quiet down," said Alvie. "Remember we're in our uniforms? You have to call me by my alias.
I'm Doctor Kickass."
"Bleh, I forgot," said Charlton. "Alright, Doctor Kickass, you know what to do."
"What do I do?" said Alvie.
"You're the gadget man," said Charlton. "Surely you have a device for this particular situation?"
"Ah, yes, I do," said Alvie.
Alvie then took out a gun and began shooting wildly at the airship.
"Damn, bullets aren't penetrating," he exclaimed.
"Why do you have a gun?" said Lilian. "I thought we agreed no guns."
"You never know," said Alvie. "A gun can come in handy. What if I wanna play Russian roulette
-- but the other kids won't let me? I'll hold my gun to their heads and force them to let me play. It's rude
to exclude people from games, y'know."
"Al... Doctor Kickass," said Charlton. "Please. Do you have anything else? Like, I dunno, that
tracking device Master Tanaka gave us?"
"Right!" said Alvie.
Alvie went into his super hero pocket and pulled out a gadget that resembled a gun. He aimed
upward, assisted by a green laser, and shot a transponder at the airship. Ping! It hit it square on its side.
Perfect shot.
"Now we can track this son of a bitch," said Alvie.
Alvie put on a pair of high tech glasses, allowing him to a view through it a floating screen. The
screen showed a map, tracking the airship's trajectory, and location.
"Oh, God," said Manny.
"What?" said Alvie.
"You look like such a dumbass," said Manny.
"Yeah, because it's my fault, right?" said Alvie. "I invented these."
"Umm, you did invent them," said Charlton. "Originally it was just a screen you held in your
hand."
"I know that," said Alvie. "Did you not hear me? I said 'I INVENTED THESE.'"
"Guys," said Lilian, "youre giving me a headache, and coincidentally reinforcing my
propensity towards being a lesbian. Not that it's a choice or anything like that."
"Fellas," said Manny, "I think we ought to call Master Tanaka to ask what he thinks."
"I'd rather not," said Charlton. "Me and Master Tanaka aren't on such good terms."
"What say you?" said Alvie.
"Remember how I got us those cool motorcycles?" said Charlton.
"Yeah?" said Lilian.
"Well," said Charlton, "it required me to threaten Master Tanaka with death, by holding him
down in his hot tub, and cranking up the temperature to boil."

"Uh, there's no such thing as boil on a hot tub," said Alvie. "The bubbles are made by jets
pushing out air."
"Oh no?" said Charlton. "I clearly remember turning the dial on the hot tub up to boil."
"Actually," said Manny, "I switched out the stickers on the hot tub as a prank. Thought it would
be worth a laugh and clearly it was worth a laugh."
"And here I was thinking I was an everyday John Shaft," said Charlton. "Okay, then..." He
seemed rather discomfited. "...Let's call up Tanaka."
Chapter 36: Airplane!
Up in the air, soaring between the clouds was Master Tanaka flying a small airplane. In this airplane
were Charlton, Manny, Alvie, and Lilian. They were suited up, wearing parachute packs on their backs.
They sat near the windows, waiting for the time to exit.
"Is anyone else shitting themselves?" said Manny.
"If I was shitting myself," said Lilian, "I wouldn't admit to it."
"I'm shitting myself,' said Alvie. "Not a huge amount. Just a little. Like a smidgen. It's really
helped me to relax though. Try it out, everyone."
"No, thanks, I'd rather not crap myself," said Lilian.
Tanaka, who was at the helm of the airplane, shouted back, "Alright, R-O, get yourselves ready!
We're almost directly above the slave ship! Half a minute! T-minus 30, 29, 26... I mean, agh, fuck...!"
"Guys," said Charlton, "I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I mean -- what is the point? Sure, today
we rescue a bunch for slaves, but what about after that? They'll still be capturing slaves. It's not going
to make a big difference."
"Let me tell you a story," said Lilian. "There once was this kid on the beach, going around
rescuing starfish. They had all washed up on the sand, and he was throwing them back into the water.
So, a man came along and said to this kid, 'Why are you rescuing these starfish? There are so many of
them. Surely you can't rescue them all.' Then the kid replied, 'Fuck off or help out!' Then the man
helped out and together they rescued way more starfish."
"I'm still not convinced," said Charlton. "And I think you've told that story incorrectly."
"I tried," said Lilian.
"Don't worry," said Alvie. "I'll set Kaptain Krayzee straight."
Alvie got up and bitch slapped Charlton, so hard that a tooth came flying out of his mouth.
Actually, it was a piece of white gum, but for a while everyone thought it was a tooth.
"Ow," said Charlton, holding his mouth, "what did you do that for?"
"I was putting the senses back into you," said Alvie. "It's like when your TV's not working right
and you bang it with your fist. That usually fixes the problem."
"I'm not a television," said Charlton. "I'm a human being!"
"Charlton," said Manny. "I'll give you the same advice my dad gave me: BE A MAN. QUIT
CRYING, and STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY."
"Hey," said Lilian, "that's sexist advice. As if you can't accomplish anything as a woman?
What's wrong with being a woman? We're as tough as you men, I'll have you know."
"Whoa, I never said it was good advice," said Manny. "That's just what my dad told me.
Generally, it never worked."
Charlton struck his own palm with his fist and made a whap! sound.
"You're right!" he said. "I should be a man." He nodded. "Because I am a man and that means I
can do things. On the other hand, if I were a woman this would be an impossible task. I'd probably
want to go home and run away with my tail between my legs."
Lilian had her arms folded and was staring daggers at Charlton. She looked like she was going
to explode.

"Ha, relax," said Charlton. "I was only pulling your leg, Lilian."
Lilian pointed. "Not funny."
Just then Tanaka announced, "Five seconds!"
Everyone stood up. Alvie pulled open the airplane door. The wind rushed in. The airplane
descended below the clouds and hovered precisely above the slave-carrying airship. Manny held onto
Charlton's leg to avoid getting swept away.
"Scared?" said Charlton.
"No, fuck you," said Manny.
"Surrre," said Charlton.
"ALRIGHTY!" Tanaka yelled. "It's time to go! No more time!"
"I'm scared," said Alvie.
"Let me help you," said Lilian. "If you'd stand over here..."
Alvie stood where Lilian pointed -- and then she kicked him out!!!!! Alvie screamed as he fell
out the airplane and plummeted down.
"Whoa, harsh," said Charlton.
"You too!" said Lilian.
And she grabbed Charlton, who had Manny attached to his leg, and tossed him out. Lilian then
followed. Soon all four heroes were sailing through the sky. Some were screaming. In great terror.
"Agh!" said Alvie. "My testicle have ascended into the upper regions of my body! How is that
possible?!"
"Stay calm," said Lilian, who was swimming through the air with great skill. "You won't do
yourself any better by panicking.
"Who's panicking?" said Alvie. "I'm just watching my life flash before my eyes, that's all."
"This is kinda fun," said Manny. "For once it is me looking down on everyone, and it feels
good. Bow down before me, world, for I am your king!"
"What's the matter?" Lilian said to Charlton. "Cat got your tongue?"
Charlton was ervous. So nervous that he neglected his sense of decorum and let out a big fart.
The fart propelled him forward. Alvie seeing this laughed. Manny did too.
"He-he-he," said Alvie. "Your fart is pushing you ahead."
"Hang on," said Manny. "Let me have a try."
Manny then farted and found himself accelerating at faster rate.
"Whoa," said Alvie. "That looks like fun."
Alvie had a fart as well to the same result as Manny and Charlton.
"I've an idea," said Manny. "Why don't we have a race? First one to land on the slave ship wins.
But everyone who loses has to eat a spoonful of the winner's poop."
"Wait," said Alvie. "A spoonful divided amongst everyone or a spoonful for each person?"
"A spoonful for each person, of course," said Manny. "And not a little spoon either -- a
tablespoon!"
Lilian rolled her eyes.
"I see you rolling your eyes," said Manny. "I assume you don't want to join in on the fun?"
"First off, a lady does not fart," said Lilian, "in front of company. Second, I automatically win
by not playing. The result of me not playing is a 0% chance of having to eat poop."
"...Don't think you'll win, eh?" said Alvie.
"She's a woman," said Manny. "She knows her gender is holding her back."
Lilian growled. "I could beat you with one arm tied behind my back."
"What about two?" said Manny.
"No can do," said Lilian. "I need that arm for pulling the ripcord on my parachute pack."
"So! It's on!" said Manny. "Charlton, is it on with you?"
Charlton, though unable to speak, gave Manny a firm nod.

"Alright, here goes," said Manny, and he let out a fart.


Not a moment later everyone joined in, farting, trying to outrace each other. It was a cacophony
of human gas and Charlton appeared to be winning. He kept belting out farts like they were nothing,
going: Pwah! Pwah! Pwah! ("Pwah!" the onomatopoeia for a fart.)
"Bloody hell," said Manny.
"Charlton's got the lead," said Alvie.
"It's because he's vegetarian," said Lilian. "He's got loads of gas."
"I tell you, it's cheating," said Manny.
Charlton turned his head toward the others and presented to them a pair of middle fingers. Then
he spread out his cheeks and let out the biggest fart you ever heard of or smelled, and he rocketed
through the sky, pulled his parachute cord, and landed square on the back end of the slave ship. He had
won the game.
Shortly after, Charlton was joined by Lilian, Alvie, and lastly Manny. They took off their
parachutes and began lamenting about how they were obligated to eat Charlton's poop.
"Oh, God," said Alvie. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Do we really have to eat your poop?" said Lilian.
"We made a bet," said Manny. "Who are we if we do not honor it? Charlton, pull down your
trousers, and spread your cheeks. I'm ready to eat my chocolate ice cream like a man."
"Guys," said Charlton, "you don't have to eat my poop."
"NO," said Manny. "WE HAVE TO. THAT WAS THE DEAL. SO, GET OUT A CUP, AND
SHIT IN IT."
"I don't want to," said Charlton. "I'm sparing you all a horrific snack."
"Don't you back out," said Manny. "We all agreed."
"Jesus," said Lilian, "why are you being so insistent? He's letting us walk."
"It's the principle of the matter," said Manny.
"It was a silly bet about poop," said Alvie. "What principle are you applying here?"
"Charlton," said Manny. "You must make us eat your poop!"
"I don't get you," said Charlton, "do you have a fetish for poop or something? I mean your
insistence on eating my poop is really telling me something here."
Manny sighed. "What's it take to get a good laugh these days? I just think it'd be funny to watch
Alvie and Lilian eat your pop. Is that so bad?"
"Ummm, but you have to do it too," said Lilian.
"If that's the price to pay for comedy," said Manny, "my mouth is wide open."
Manny tilted his head back and opened his mouth. Everyone went: "Ew!"
"Sorry," said Charlton, "I think shall reserve my poop for the toilet."
"Ah, fine," said Manny, "but remember this is your only chance to make us eat your shit."
"I'll pass, thanks," said Charlton.
"You might regret it," said Manny. "One day we'll do something terrible to you, and then you'll
say to yourself, 'Man, I should've made them eat my shit while I had the chance.'"
"I'll take my chances," said Charlton.
Then Charlton, Manny, Lilian, and Alvie all turned around, and faced the same way to see the
slave-carrying airship they were on. Ahead of them was a enormous galleon, with wind sails, and jet
engines, and war guns. It was a mix of both old and modern, oak wood, and titanium, working together.
It was a pirate aircraft.
"This thing looks a lot bigger up close," said Lilian.
"Everything looks big to me," said Manny.
"Ah, life is all about perspective, innit?" said Alvie.
"Come on," said Charlton, "we have to find the entrance."
Everyone walked ahead, going past barrels, and crates, and sails, and the enormous masts to

hold them up. They were in a hasty mood yet took their time, so as not to alert anyone who might be
around. They went along the length of the wooden floor and continued on, until they came to what
looked like a cabin.
"Might be something in here," Lilian said in a low voice.
"I wanna know what the fuck is in these barrels," said Manny. "Maybe it's gold? Or better yet,
caviar!"
"Why in the world would you pick caviar over gold?" said Alvie.
"I'm hungry," said Manny. "Plus, I's never tasted caviar."
"You can use the gold to buy the caviar," said Alvie.
"But I'll have to pay taxes if I sell off my gold," said Manny, "and then pay more taxes when I
go to the market to buy the fish eggs. Alvie, you're not really thinking this through, are you?"
"Shhhhh!" said Charlton. "Keep your voices down and follow me."
Charlton, who lowered down to sneak, led the others around to the cabin door. He grabbed the
doorknob to turn it, but it was firmly locked.
"Shit," said Charlton. "Shit on a stick."
Alvie stepped in the way of Charlton. "I'll handle this."
As per usual he took out his tiny motorized saw; however, Charlton pulled back his hand.
"What are you doing?" said Alvie.
"Wait," Charlton whispered. "That thing is loud as balls. It'll give us away."
"How can something be loud as balls?" said Alvie. "Balls aren't loud."
"I'm not taking any chances," said Charlton.
"Just let me use my freaking saw," said Alvie. "We won't get caught."
"Did you just say 'freaking'?" said Manny. "You know, you're allowed to say fuck around us. We
don't really give a fuck about the word fuck, and that's the fucking way I likes it."
"Please," Charlton said to Alvie, "find another way to get into the cabin."
Alvie huffed. "We're standing in front of a glass door. Anyone who's in there would've seen us
by now."
Charlton looked through the glass door to peer inside the cabin.
"Wow, I can't believe it," said Lilian. "We were standing in front of a glass door this whole time
and I never even noticed."
"Bet it's brain damage from parachuting," said Manny. "You know, you can easily die without
oxygen?"
"Thanks for the tip," said Charlton. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Okay, so, do I get to saw now?" said Alvie.
"Forget this," said Lilian.
And she punched through the glass door and reached inside to open it up. She, Charlton, Alvie,
and Manny then went into the cabin. The cabin was a luxurious dwelling. There were leather bound
books on shelves going to the ceiling, leather armchairs, mahogany furniture, gilded trimmings, a
roaring fireplace, and the heads of various animals hung on the wall. I hear you. I know you're asking,
"What's so luxurious about animal heads?" Well, in place of their eyes they had jewels. It made them
look like they were possessed.
Alvie sniffed the air. "Wow. It smells like my grandfather in here."
"Your grandfather smells like Cuban cigars, and whiskey?" said Lilian.
"Pretty much," said Alvie.
"What're you doing smelling your grandpappy?" said Manny. "Are you gay and/or incestuous?
Not that there's anything wrong with that... Wait, no there is. Last one anyway."
"Guys," said Charlton, "keep your brains focused on the task at hand."
"What's the task at hand?" said Lilian.
"Uhhh, I dunno," said Charlton. "Look for interesting stuff."

Alvie pointed out the large painting hung over the fireplace. It was a portrait of who else but
Handsome Sam.
"I think I know who's the captain of this ship," said Alvie.
"Yeah, we all figured it out already," said Lilian. "It's Handsome Sam."
"Ooooh, that jerk off," said Manny. "He is the bane of my existence -- that and high shelves.
Heh. Just a little self-deprecating humour there. Actually, I have no problems at all with high shelves. I
usually just push up a chair, or get a stool, and stand on it. Takes but ten seconds to do so."
"Alright," said Charlton, rubbing his hands together, "let's ransack this place!"
And Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny went bonkers. Whilst rebellious music played in their
heads they overturned, smashed, broken open, and flipped whatever they could get their hands on. Ten
minutes later the cabin was completely wrecked.
"Did you find anything?" said Lilian.
Manny threw down a vase.
"Nope," he said, looking at the shards. "This vase contains nothing. What were we looking for
by the way?"
"Valuable information," said Charlton.
"I got something here," said Alvie.
Alvie picked up a mobile phone he'd found.
"What's all that then?" said Manny.
"It's Handsome Sam's cellphone," said Alvie.
"Is it locked?" said Charlton.
"Yes," said Alvie. "But I'm gonna hack it."
Alvie then sat down in front of a desk and began his hacking.
"Does anyone know the maiden name of Handsome Sam's mother?" he said.
"What?" said Lilian. "That's your idea of hacking? Guessing his security question?"
"I'm sorry," said Alvie, "but, if you haven't noticed, we're not in The Matrix."
"I don't know what it is," said Manny, "but I'm going to make a guess."
"You can't just guess it," said Charlton. "There must be hundreds of thousands of names to
choose from."
"True," said Manny, "but I'm going to pick the most common one."
"Right, hurry up," said Alvie.
"Wong," said Manny. "I'm pretty sure it's Wong."
"It's not going to work," said Charlton. "Do you really think the answer to his security question
is that easy?"
Alvie pressed some buttons on Handsome Sam's mobile phone, and then -"Okay," said Alvie, "it worked. Thanks, Manny."
Manny nodded.
"Hey," said Charlton, "aren't we supposed to call each other by our superhero names?
Remember? Manny's the Nutpuncher."
"That was my superhero name?" said Manny. "It's really stupid."
"You chose it," said Charlton,
"Bah, forget the names," said Alvie. "I'm sick of it. It's way too confusing."
"Fine," said Charlton, folding his arms. "If that's what you want. But I still like the name
Kaptain Krayzee."
"So!" Lilian said to Alvie. "What've you got on Handsome Sam?"
"Let's see," said Alvie, perusing Handsome Sam's mobile phone. "It seems here he is moderator
on several popular websites, and his blog indicates what his likes and dislikes. Says here he likes: fast
cars, marijuana, guns, sluts, and money. Okay, I don't see anything wrong here."
"Well, What does he dislike?" said Charlton.

"Handsome Sam," said Alvie, "dislikes: niggers, those niggers are that are yellow, sand niggers,
wops, kikes, gays, gypsies, Japs, transsexuals, cross dressers, faggots, uhm, wetbacks, beaners, coolies,
Pakis, Yanks, retards, fat asses, poor people, Chinese drivers, and fucking customers who are rude to
their servers."
"I know it's offensive," said Lilian, "but it makes sense. I mean the part about customers being
rude. The rest is pretty bad."
"Bah, this tells us nothing," said Charlton.
"Not true," said Alvie. "We know he likes moderating websites." He continued looking at
Handsome Sam's mobile phone. "Man, look at all these people he's banned. There must be thousands...!
He banned a guy for snoring too loud. That doesn't make any sense. You can't snore online. Unless you
make it into an audio recording. But that's not the case here."
"I don't care about him moderating websites," said Charlton.
"But he's being such a dickhead online," said Alvie. "He's banning and blocking all these people
just because they disagree with him. What ever happened to freedom of speech? You know what? I'm
gonna undo these bans. It's not fair."
Alvie began unbanning people through Handsome Sam's phone.
"Man," said Alvie, clenching his fists, "why are these moderators such dickheads?"
"The first question we have to ask ourselves," said Lilian, "is why do people become
moderators in the first place? When there is no financial reward?"
"Dunno," said Alvie. "They're crazy?"
"Yes," said Lilian, "but the main reason is they become moderators for the power. And who is
attracted to power? Dickheads. Dickheads are attracted to power. Because having power is fun. It
makes you feel good. As a moderator you get to be in control. You get to push people around and bend
them to your will. You get off on the juices that comes from the mild suffering of strangers. I tell you.
These moderators are pure, concentrated evil."
"And they're also losers," said Alvie.
"Yeah, that too," said Lilian. "I mean who the fuck would spend their time doing a job for no
pay? Obviously an unloved loser, with too much time on their hands. Oh, have you ever seen a
moderator in real life? They're all fat, and sweaty, and hairy, and they smell like Doritos.... It's funny
how that works. Doritos smell good, but the smell of Doritos on a person is disgusting. Technically,
you're getting the same scent, but somehow it's repulsive when transferred to a human being. I guess
it's really about context, huh? It's like hair. Hair on a woman's head, beautiful. Hair clogging up the
sink, yuck."
Charlton cleared his throat. "Doctor Kickass, have you found anything of actual use on that
cellphone?""
"I thought we dropped calling each other those silly names," said Alvie.
"Aw, c'mon," said Charlton.
"Fine, how about this?" said Alvie. "We'll only use it when there are strangers around?"
"Mmm, I dunno," said Charlton. "Sounds kinda confusing."
"What's confusing about it?" said Alvie.
"Alvie, Bloody hell," said Manny. "Let him do whatever he wants. He does what he wants and
you do what you want. And I'll do what I want. Which is to be a team player, and listen to our team
leader Charlton Saintcloud."
"What?" said Lilian. "I thought I was the team leader."
"No, clearly, it's Charlton," said Manny. "He was the first character introduced in this novel -that is our life. Life is like a book, isn't it?"
"So, that's how it is?" said Lilian. "Because Charlton's a man he gets to be team leader?"
"Oh boy," said Manny, folding his arms, "another FemiNazi."
"Yes, that makes sense," said Lilian, "because the Nazis went around fighting for women's

rights, and correcting grammar for a language they don't speak!!!!"


"What, what are you talking about?" said Manny.
"Grammar Nazis," said Lilian. "You never heard of it?"
"I have," said Manny. "You jus' had me spinning my head for a moment 'cause you brought up
something that's, I guess, tangentially related. That's a word, right? Tangentially?"
"It is," said Lilian.
"So, Lilian," said Charlton, "are you going to be team leader or what?"
"Really? You're really okay with that?" said Lilian.
"Well, we're not getting paid for this," said Charlton. "You're not going to get extra money.
There's pretty much no reason to be leader, other than the prestige. Of which there is none, because we
just started out, and we're not famous whatsoever."
"Alright," said Lilian. She raised her fist in the air. "I'll do it! I'll do it for women all over the
world! To show them that we can be leaders, we can be strong, courageous, and smart all at the same
time -- but not beautiful. If you have all these great qualities, you're probably gonna be quite ugly."
"And how!" said Manny.
"YES!" said Alvie. "I've got something!"
Everyone gathered around Alvie as he held out Handsome Sam's mobile phone.
"I got into his Facebook account," said Alvie, "and I'm totally deleting all his friends. Ha-ha. It'll
annoy him so much."
"Doctor Kickass," Charlton, "we need something more substantial than that."
"Wait," said Alvie, "I've also got access to his Twitter account. He has it set on private, but since
he's saved all his passwords on his cellphone I can read all his Tweets. Check this out." Alvie swiped
Handsome Sam's mobile phone with his finger. "He's using it as some sort of log. Like most people do,
I guess."
"What's it say?" said Lilian.
"So far nothing that interesting," said Alvie. "He's mostly talking about food he ate at various
restaurants -- ohhh, and wait, what's this? He constantly has dreams about being a mermaid. What the
fucking fuck?"
"Go on," said Charlton.
"In this Tweet Handsome Sam is insulting this girl named Rosemary Chan," said Alvie. "He
says, and I quote: 'You are a cow disguised as a human being. You've somehow managed to pass for a
human, but I know your secret.' Then she replies, 'I love you, Sam. You're so funny.'"
"Christ," said Manny, "that girl has some self-esteem issues."
"Maybe it's sarcasm?" said Charlton.
"Oh God, Lord Jesus," said Alvie. "Jackpot."
"You and I don't have the same definition of jackpot," said Lilian.
"No, really, listen," said Alvie. "Handsome Sam's 'Tweeted' about his evil plans."
"Go on," said Charlton.
"It says," said Alvie, "'Yus! I finally completed my plans for world dominance.' Then, 'I've
hidden it in the most clever place ever. No one will ever guess.' 'I've put it up my bum. ROFLMAO. JK.
It's hidden in a safe behind my portrait.'"
"What else?" said Charlton.
Alvie continued browsing Handsome Sam's phone.
"Nothing relevant," said Alvie. "Although he does have quite good taste in music... He has
songs by Dave Brubeck. Michael Buble. Amy Winehouse. Miles Davis. Marvin Gaye. Paul McCartney.
Curtis Mayfield. Bob Marley... I think I'm starting to like this guy!"
Annoyed, Lilian grabbed Handsome Sam's phone and hurled it against a wall. The glass
shattered, and it sparked, laying broken on the floor.
"That's a very expensive phone," said Alvie. "Oh, wait, who cares?"

"Okay," said Charlton. "Let's go see what this portrait has to hide."
"Wait," said Lilian. "I'm the leader now. I get to say that. OK. Let's go see what this portrait has
to hide."
Lilian led Charlton, Manny, and Alvie over to the portrait of Handsome Sam hung over the
mantel of the fireplace. Lilian reached up, and pulled it back, discovering it was on hinges.
Chapter 37: Safe
When the the portrait was pulled back a safe was revealed. The safe, like all safes, needed a
combination to be opened.
"We need to get this safe open," said Charlton.
Manny replied, "Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious."
"Kaptain Krayzee," said Charlton. "I'm Kaptain Krayzee. Not Kaptain Obvious. Please
remember that for future reference."
"Alvie," said Lilian, "do you think you can crack this safe?"
"Not without the proper tools," said Alvie.
"So the answer is no?" Charlton.
"Hang on a minute," said Alvie. "I think I hear someone coming."
Everyone turned their heads and heard the sound of footsteps.
"Stay here," said Alvie. "I have an idea."
"Wait," said Lilian.
But Alvie went off. He poked his head out the cabin and saw a generic security guard. He snuck
up behind the generic security guard, grabbed him around the neck, to hold him, and pushed his finger
in his back, mimicking the muzzle of a gun.
"Don't move," Alvie said in a low voice. "I got a gun. I'll shoot you full off holes, if you try to
alert anyone. Just follow me and you'll be okay."
The generic security guard nodded. Alvie led him into the cabin, over to the safe. The others,
looking on, were bewildered at what was happening.
""What's happening?" said Charlton.
"My friend here," said Alvie, "is going to help us open the safe. Just joking. He's not my friend."
"I don't know how to open the safe," said the generic security guard.
"Yes, you can," said Alvie. "All you need to do is use your head."
Alvie grabbed the back of the generic security guard's head and slammed it into the safe. The
safe cracked open and the generic security guard went unconscious. This was only possible because of
Alvie's superhero suit, which multiplied his strength.
"Good job," said Charlton.
"Thanks," said Alvie.
"There's so much blood on the floor," said Lilian.
"You think he's dead?" said Manny.
Manny tapped the generic security guard with his foot. There was no response whatsoever.
"I think he's dead," said Manny.
"Never mind," said Alvie. "He was a bad guy. Bad guys all deserve death. So, I'm told."
Charlton reached into the safe and pulled something out. It was a beige file folder.
"Look at this," he said. "I think we've got something here."
There was a label on the file folder that read: "The Master Plan (Aka The Final Solution)"
Charlton handed the folder to Lilian,
"Tell us what is says," said Charlton. "Since you're the leader now."
"OK," said Lilian, "let's see here..."
Lilian opened up the folder and found a collection of papers. They were drawings featuring

Handsome Sam. In them he was depicted destroying the world in various ways, of which included
eating the world, stepping on the world, shooting the world in its, and exploding it with bombs.
"This is straight up rubbish," said Lilian. "There's nothing here but silly drawings."
She showed everyone.
"Ah, yes," said Alvie, "he is quite the little artist. I see he's expressing his feelings."
"But it ain't no plan for nothing," said Manny.
"What?" said Charlton.
"Check the back," Alvie told Lilian. "Maybe he's written down some information."
Lilian inspected the papers.
"Nothing," she said.
"Wait," said Manny, "maybe there's more stuff in the safe."
Manny climbed atop Charlton, and reached into the safe. He pulled out what appeared to be a
book, but it had no words or pictures on the cover. It was discovered that this was in fact a diary.
Handsome Sam's diary to be precise.
"Ha," said Alvie, "he has a diary. What a loser."
"I have a diary," said Charlton.
"Never mind that," said Alvie, "what's the diary say?"
Manny turned the pages and skimmed Handsome Sam's diary.
He then began reading aloud: "Dear Diary, High School isn't turning out to be what I thought it
would be. I thought grade 9 would be awesome. But it's been a month already and I have no friends..
Everyone is mean to me, because I'm weird, and ugly. The girl I asked out to the dance laughed in my
face. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying."
"LOL!" said Manny.
"That's not funny," said Lilian. "And who says 'LOL!' ? It means 'laughing out loud.'"
"Go on," said Charlton. "What else does it say?"
Manny skipped a couple pages ahead and again read aloud. "Dear Diary, today a mentally
challenged boy peed on my leg while I was beside him in the urinal. Everyone laughed at me, including
the teacher, and the principal who heard the story. I haven't gotten any apology from the mentally
challenged kid's mum or dad, nor have I heard back from them after I wondered whether they could
clean my urine soaked trousers."
Manny read some more: "Dear Diary, Every day I look in the mirror, I feel depressed and sad.
All the kids at school leave me out and I never get invited to any parties. I'm the most unpopular person
here. They're always picking on me, and making fun of my weight, and playing pranks on me. Not to
mention the physical torment. They're always punching me in the arm, and pushing me aroound, and
tripping me as I go by. I complained to Mrs. Smith that someone lit my hair on fire, but she told me to
be quiet, and not interrupt her lessons."
More pages of Handsome Sam's diary were read: "Dear Diary, I don't believe I'm meant to be
around people. I keep hoping for things to improve, but school keeps getting worse and worse. Mum
told me Torontonians are nice, but I don't agree so far. I have since relegated myself to my bedroom,
where I spend time playing video games alone, watching TV, and browsing the internet. I've taken up
the hobby of becoming a moderator. It makes me feel good that I'm helping out and making a
contribution, in a place where I feel accepted."
More pages: "Dear Diary, After several months Toronto, I feel myself changing inside. I'm
starting to think bad thoughts. I'm just so angry all the time. Why can't people be nice to me? Why can't
I have a girlfriend, and friends, and have fun like everyone else? Why must they exclude me? I think all
the negativity might be affecting me behavior. I'm taking out my rage online. As a moderator on several
websites, I've begun banning people for no reason at all, simply because they disagree with me. But
you know what? It kinda feels good. It feels nice getting revenge. I'm sure these people would reject me
in real life, but here I am, putting them through the wringer, and making them squirm. I like this feeling

of power. I wonder if I can make it go any further."


"Wow," said Alvie, "I can't believe he got his start being a knob online. Read us some more,
Manny."
Manny read more from Handsome Sam's diary: "Dear Diary, I've stopped crying from my
social rejection. I've stopped crying from being an outcast. I'm getting in shape and improving myself.
I'm making plans to change my life. By the end of it I will be a king."
The diary went on: "I've hacked into the banking system. I've been creating fake money and
funneling it all into a fake account which I have under my control. I visited the black market today and
bought some slaves, and ice cream. The slaves have been quite useful. They've helped me construct a
flying ship, which I am going to use to deliver my final solution to the world. It's called the Handsome
Bomb. Through advanced nano-technology, centuries ahead of its time, it will transform every
miserable bastard on this planet, and make them look, and think like me by changing all of the cells in
their body. It will be glorious. No longer will I be chastised, or criticized for the way I look, or am,
because we will all be alike. You can't pick on someone for being different can you, if they're just like
you. Also, can you imagine a world without blacks and Jews? GLORIOUS."
"Man alive," said Alvie. "He is really, really, really racist."
"We know," said Lilian. She then tipped her head toward Manny. "Keep on reading."
Manny continued reading from Handsome Sam's Diary: "Dear Diary, I've been running tests
for the Handsome Bomb. Although the nanorobots self-replicate well enough it seems that in order to
achieve maximum efficiency I must drop the bomb in a highly populated city. Ergo, today, I will be
heading to Toronto to release my glory unto the people. The Handsome Bomb will annihilate any
diversity that exists there, and they will all become Handsome Sams. I'd like to clarify that the women
will be women, just that they'll be female versions of myself......... Hrm, why would I need to clarify my
plans here? This diary is only going to be read by me. Ah, wait, no, I forgot. I want to make everything
crystal clear for my autobiography that I will write in the future."
"That's the last page," said Manny.
"So," said Lilian, "he's headed to Toronto, but when?"
"Today," said Manny.
"You wut?" said Charlton.
"The diary entry is dated for today," said Manny. "
"But it's not even in the afternoon right now," said Alvie. "What sorta weirdo makes an entry
into their diary in the morning?"
"Does it really matter?" said Lilian.
"I think it does," said Alvie. "It tells us a lot about his peculiar personality."
"OKAY," said Charlton, "so what's the plan here?"
"We have to take this ship down," said Lilian. "Wholesale. We gotta destroy it to bits with
everything inside, including the bomb."
"What about the slaves?" said Charlton.
"We'll free 'em first," said Lilian, "then it's down to business."
"What about the workers?" said Manny. "Like this security guard down here?"
The generic security guard started groaming, but Manny kicked him in the head, putting him
right back to sleep.
"Like this security guard down here?" Manny repeated. "Don't we have a responsibility to
ensure everyone's safety?"
"Who cares about the workers?" said Lilian. "They're helping a mad man carry out his evil plans
for money. We leave them. We don't have time to prevent their untimely deaths."
"Lilian," said Charlton, "I'm sure the workers are decent people. I bet most of them don't even
know what's going on. Should we really allow them to obliterated? They're just trying to make a living.
I doubt they're aware of the ramifications of their labors. I mean let's think about the janitor for a

moment. Does he deserve to die because he's in bad company? He's only cleaning up and stuff."
"No, we're not wasting our time on them," said Lilian. "When they blew up the Death Star in
Star Wars no one cared. Why should we? It's collateral damage as far as I'm concerned.'
"Really now?" said Charlton.
"Stop being so mean," Alvie told Lilian. "Think of the Children."
"What children?" said Lilian.
"I dunno, they might be on board," said Alvie.
Lilian sighed. "Alright, alright. We'll free the workers. And their children, and the slaves, and
anyone else here who might be innocent. Okay? Is everyone happy?"
Alvie, Manny, and Charlton nodded.
Chapter 37: Aaaaaaaaaaaattack!
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny left the airship's cabin. They went around and found a door that was
presumed to lead inside. But it was locked. There was absolutely no way in. They tried sawing on its
hinges, they tried kicking it open, but to no avail as it was pure, solid steel.
"Damnit," said Lilian, "Why did you guys throw that security guard overboard? We could've
used his keycard, but nooooo you all thought the idea of him waking up while sailing through the sky
would be a funny prank."
"Hey, I was going to eat shit for a laugh," said Manny. "My behaviour shouldn't really surprise
you."
"My superhero suit is yellow," said Alvie. "You can't ever be serious in a getup like this."
"But it was fun watching him drop though," said Charlton. "You should've seen the look on his
face. Wait, we never saw the look on his face, because he was below us. But I'm sure it would've been
something like this..."
Charlton put his hands on the side of his face and opened his mouth wide, like he was both
surprised and shocked.
"Whatever you think," said Lilian, "we've screwed ourselves, and wasted a good parachute.
Yeah, now at least one of us can't get back down, if we're stuck here."
"Relax," said Manny. "We'll think of something."
"Like what?" said Lilian.
"There's an air duct," Manny said, pointing. "We can shout for help. Sound travels quite well
through those things."
"I have a better idea," said Charlton. "We can sit around, and wait until someone comes up
here."
"OR you can go into the air duct," said Alvie.
"Sorry," said Manny, "I won't be doing that. It's undignified. I shouldn't be forced into a crevice
just because I'm small. It's unfair."
Lilian picked up Manny.
"Hey, put me down!" said Manny. "Where you taking me?"
Lilian held Manny by the air duct opening.
"Whoa, wait! This isn't the movies!" said Manny. "Air ducts aren't the crawl-friendly
environments they make them out to be! There could be centipedes inside!"
Manny's words fell on deaf ears, and Lilian chucked him into air duct without any guilt
whatsoever. Manny slid in and found himself on his bum, facing the dark.
"Are you okay in there?" Charlton said from above. His voice echoed.
"Yeah," said Manny, "I'm fine. I'll let you know if I need anything."
"Be careful," said Lilian.
"You put me in here!!!!!" said Manny. "You bitch!!!!!"

"How rude," said Lilian.


"Keep calm and carry on," said Alvie.
"That's such an idiotic phrase," said Lilian.
Manny ignored the chatter. He stood up and took out his flashlight. He shone it around. The air
duct was larger than he imagined. Much, much larger. It was several feet high and several feet wide. It
made sense, since the airship was so incredibly large.
"Wow," said Manny, "this is pretty spacious. With a few added amenities you could probably
live in here."
Manny walked ahead. He took his time, stepping carefully through the air duct. His steps made
a distinctive banging noise against the metal, which was heard twice due to the echo.
"Hope there aren't any centipedes in here," said Manny. "I hate centipedes."
He continued on. Soon he came to a bend.
"Which way?" he asked himself.
He snapped his fingers. "I know what to do! Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a... How does the
rest of that rhyme go? Ah fuck, I'll just go right."
And indeed Manny went right. He took a turn and traveled along the next air duct with his
flashlight. He stopped when he saw something peculiar. There was a homeless man begging for
change.
"Spare some change?" said the homeless man.
"Good Lord," said Manny, "what are you doing here?"
"I live here," said the homeless man. "Yep. Been livin' here for fifteen odd years. Can't afford
anywhere else. Real estate prices are so high. That and I'm totally lost."
"You've been lost in this air duct system for 15 years?" said Manny. "Wait, this airship isn't even
that old."
"No, sir." said the homeless man. "But this air duct system was part of another type of ship.
They jus ' done transferred the pieces. I was asleep when they were doing the installation, so I missed
my opportunity to escape."
"Still that makes no sense," said Manny. "How do you survive?"
"There's some pipes running through here." said the homeless man. "They have various liquids
that nourish my body. One of the pipes has liquid breakfast in it. It's how I get all my nourishment. But
good god it's vanilla. I've been searching for the chocolate one for ages. Can't say I've had any luck
finding it."
"Wait," said Alvie, "something is off. You asked me for money like it was routine. Am I not the
first person to pass by you?"
"No," said the homeless man. "Plenty of people get stuck here, it seems. They jus' fall down and
they can't get back out. They wander around and find me. Then I ask them for change, they go away,
and die on their own. I think the cause is not having enough liquids. Mainly."
"Okay, so you're trapped here," said Manny. "Why do you need my money? Or anyone's money
for that matter?"
"Am saving up," said the homeless man.
"But you're not getting out of here," Alvie said in an irate tone. "Where are you going to spend
your money?"
"'Ey, you never know," said the homeless man. "My luck might turn around one of these days.
There's no reason not to stay optimistic."
"Yes, there is a reason," said Manny. "You've been in here for 15 years. Apparently."
The homeless man sighed.
"I'm sorry," said Manny. "I'll give you some change." Manny emptied out his wallet and gave
the homeless man $4.00. "There. Is that enough?"
"God bless yeh," said the homeless man. "You've done a good deed, brightening an old man's

day. By and by, if you want to leave this place go straight down, and take a left. You'll find your exit."
Manny raised his brow.
"You rascal," he said. "This whole time... You were just testing my heart, weren't you?"
The homeless man chuckled. "Yeh-heh-heh. You passed the test with flying colours. Now go on,
git outta here, sonny."
And with that Manny went on his way. He went straight down and as instructed took a left.
However, he took but a few steps before stopping. There was something in his way.
Manny shone his flashlight and squinted as if in disbelief. Ahead of him was a pile of skeletons,
with their clothes still on. He stepped forward, out out curiosity, and grabbed a femur (leg bone). He
looked at it and noticed it had numerous bite marks.
"What's happened here?" said Manny.
Manny heard a noise and turned around. The homeless man was in front of him, staring
downward.
"So," said the homeless man, "it seems you've discovered my secret."
"No, actually, I haven't," said Manny. "What is your secret?"
"Since you know my secret," said the homeless man, "I'll have to kill you."
"I told you," said Manny, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Don't play dumb," said the homeless man. "I've been eating people to survive."
"Oh my goodness," said Manny. "That can't be very nutritious, can it?"
The homeless man beat his chest and roared like a gorilla. Manny, sensing some sort of danger,
climbed over the pile of skeletons, and began running in the opposite direction. The homeless man,
though wearing shoes with holes in them, was quite a speedy fellow. He gave chase to Manny without
so much as a misstep.
Manny was beginning to get tired. He was kicking and moving his legs as fast as possible. His
limited stature, however, made it difficult to do any type of sprinting.
"I gave you money!" Manny said while running. "You ungrateful bastard!"
Saliva running down his chin, tongue out, fangs showing, the homeless man roared, "I must
feed! You flesh will sustain me!"
"If I'm honest," said Manny, "I'm mostly bones."
"I like bones," said the homeless man. "The marrow is delicious."
"Come to think of it," said Manny, "I'm mostly flesh. Skin, and organs, and such."
"Rawwwwr!" went the homeless man, and he ran even faster than before, then corned Manny in
a dead end.
There was a grille at the dwarf's back, but it was not a door that could be swung open.
Defensively, Manny held the leg bone he took, and swung it back and forth as a weapon.
"Stay back!" said Manny. "I will bone you so hard, you won't know what hit you!'
The homeless man was undeterred. He slowly stepped forward with his hands curled like claws.
Mouth ajar he bared his rotten teeth and let his tongue hang loosely, dribbling hot saliva to the ground.
"Don't fear being eaten," said the homeless man. "You will become a part of my body and live
on as various nutrients."
"I don't wanna be your nutrients," said Manny. "I wanna be...a real boy!"
Suddenly the homeless man lunged at Manny and grabbed him. He then lifted the dwarf toward
his wide, open, hungry, stinking mouth. Manny winced, feeling the hot breath on his face.
"Is this it?" Manny thought. "Is this the end of Manny Morowitz, beloved, but misunderstood
dwarf...? NEVER! Goonies never say 'die!' Not a Goonie, but if I was, I would totally be radist person
in the group."
Then Manny took the bone in his hand and rammed it straight down the homeless man's throat.
The homeless man choked, but could not removed the bone, as Manny was holding the bone, and
holding his face to keep them together.

Urk! Urk! the homeless man went, and he passed out from lack of air, and collapsed. Manny
stood up, letting go of the bone. He put his hands on his hips and stared at the fresh corpse in front of
him. He tried thinking of a clever, witting saying to mark his triumph, but all he could say was,
"YOLO!"
"Ah, fuck," said Manny. "Never mind."
He turned around and faced the grille, which let air move through. He stared listlessly between
the spaces. It appeared there was an office below and that a drop onto the nearby desk would only be a
manageable few feet.
"Guess this is my way out," said Manny. "But how do I get through this vent?"
Manny tried kicking the grille several times to no avail. He yelled at it too, telling it to open up.
He even said open sesame and still the same result.
Then he heard the voice of an old man that whispered, "Manny, use the bones. The bones,
Manny -- the bones!"
"Maybe I should use the bones?" said Manny.
And he took the bone out the homeless man's throat and jammed it into a space between the
grille. He pushed it up and down like a lever, working the sides as well as the middle. Soon after, with
the bars bended, there was enough room to get through.
Manny climbed out the hole he had made and dropped down onto a desk in what appeared to be
an office. When he hopped off he noticed a map of the airship hung on the wall.
"Why, this looks useful," he said, then he took out a lighter and burned up the map. "Now the
bad guys won't be able to use it. He-he-he."
Manny then went through the office door and left. He found himself in a hallway. The hallway
was colourless and had an industrial feel to it. There were no indications where to go. There were only
two paths: left and right.
Manny, went right, up the stairs, leading to a big, heavy, steel door. He jumped and grabbed the
handle. When the door opened Charlton, Lilian, and Alvie were standing on the other side.
Chapter 38: Freedom
"Manny," said Charlton. "So glad to see you."
"Likewise," said Manny.
Lilian rushed down the stairs.
"Follow me," she said. "I know where to go."
"What's changed since you were locked out?" said Manny.
"Apparently, they have this slave ship on Google maps," said Alvie. "Can you believe it? What
don't they have?"
Manny, Charlton, and Alvie went down the stairs to follow Lilian. Lilian took took quiet steps
through the hallway ensuring she wouldn't make noise. The others stuck close behind, wiating on her
command. After going through the hallways of the airship they stopped by a wall to hide.
"Why are we hiding?" Charlton whispered.
"There are armed guards we have to take care of," said Lilian.
Lilian used a mirror to look around the corner. There were two armed security guards standing
in front of an unmarked door. Their names were Bill and Will. They were immigrants from the heart of
England: Manchester. Manchester England.
"Oy, Bill," said Will. "Don't you fink it'd be woizer tah not guard dis 'ere door. I mean don't you
fink dat us standin' 'ere makes it even mo' suspicious? It's loike when you've got an alarm sticker on yer
house. Don't dat just make da robber fink 'yah, there must be somefink good in dere'?"
"You's moy close mate," said Bill, "but yah ain't vereh bright. T'ink about it. What ifs dey's
already got in minds where dey's headed? Like if day knows where da good stuff already is? Then da

absence of guards is gunna make deir jobs even easy-ah, innit? Plus dere's da fact dat we needs
employment. So shut yer gob, Will, or I'll be shuttin' it fer yah."
"Bloody hell," Manny whispered, behind the wall. "What language are they speaking?"
"I think it's English," Alvie whispered back. "I thin
"Oy, Bill," said Will. "Do ye' hear a noise? Sounds like someone's whisparing around dat
corner."
"Hm," said Bill, "why don't you check it out?"
"You wut, mate?" said Will.
"I says you ought to check it out," said Bill.
"Naw, man," said Will. "I mean do I looks like a fighter to yeh? I couldn't punch me way out a
paper bag. Am bein' dead serious with dat one. I went on a TV show, got in a giant, prop paper bag,
then tried punchin' me way out. Couldn't even do it for fucksakes"
"Mm, I bet I could," said Bill.
"I fink you under estimate the durability of dat giant paper bag," said Will. "It was quite thick."
"Like you?" said Bill. "Wah-ha-ha-ha!"
"Dat's it," said Will. "Am sick of yer shit."
Will punched Bill in the face. Bill held his nose.
"Bloody fucking hell," said Bill. "Wut was dat fer?"
"I tolds you, I ain't takin' yer teasin' no more," said Will. "I bloody well meant it."
"You wanker!" said Bill, and he jumped out at Will, and put his hands around his throat.
To which Will responded with a swift kick to Bill's "bollocks."
Then a gun fight between the two broke out and they shot each other to death. At this point
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny were ready to come out from hiding, but Lilian put her arm out to stop
them.
"Hold on," she said.
Then a third (armed) security guard, this one living, appeared in the hallway, where the door
was. He went over to Will and Bill, and looked down at their bleeding bodies.
"Aw, for Chrissakes," said Phil. "I go to the bloody baffroom for one bleedin' second and they
kill each otha. Oy, this is not what I'd call a good day... Then again what can yeh do, other than accept
the tragedies that happen in life? No use stressin' out 'bout it."
And Phil stood in front of the door that was previously guarded by Will and Bill.
"I ought to get a pay raise for this," said Phil. "Am bloody traumatized 'ere. I've got blood on me
boots. Not on me 'ands though; this was not my doin'."
"Now what?" Charlton whispered to Lilian.
"Our super hero suits have an invisibility feature," said Lilian.
"Really?" said Charlton.
"Indeed," said Lilian. She showed Charlton a button on her forearm. "Press this button here."
"So what do you want us to do?" said Manny. "Go invisible and take him out or something?"
"Well, the four of us together will make too much noise," said Lilian. "We'll need one person to
go and do the job."
Alvie raised his hand. "Oooh, me, me, me. I've always wanted to be invisible. Please let me try."
"You sure?" said Lilian. "Maybe it should be me."
"I think it should be you," said Charlton.
"Me too," said Manny.
"You guys," said Alvie. "I really want to do this. I swear, I won't mess it up. Anyways, our suits
are bullet proof, no?"
"Go ahead," said Lilian. "Just be sure to be quiet."
"I'm not an idiot," said Alvie. "I know that."
"Hurry up," said Lilian. "We don't have much time."

Alvie pressed the invisibility option button on his forearm and began walking toward Phil the
security guard. Phil looked funny at Alvie, wasn't sure how to respond.
"'Scuse me," said Phil. "Why's you naked?"
"What?" said Alvie.
Alvie looked at himself and saw he was naked. The invisibility option was only for making his
superhero suit invisible, not his body. Useful for when trying to hide your expensive equipment from
the bad guys. In this case it had been unused.
"Good Lawd," said Phil. "You are the whitest person I've ever seen. You ever think about going
out for a tan?"
"I'm an albino," said Alvie.
Phil pointed his gun. "Don't move, Albino."
"No, Albino isn't my name," said Alvie. "I'm an albino. It means I have a lack of pigmentation
in my --"
Phil pulled back the slide on his gun. "DON'T MOVE! KEEP QUIET! KEEP CALM! QUIET
DOWN! KEEP CALM! DON'T MOVE! STAY STILL! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Alvie was more confused than he had ever been before in his entire life.
"Sorry," said Phil. "Am just a bit flustered here. This's me first confrontation on the job."
Alvie nodded. Phil stared.
"So," said Alvie, "can I go now?"
"I'm tryin' tah decide whever tah kill yeh," said Phil.
"Okay, but if you do decide to kill me," said Alvie, "don't shoot me in the face. I'd like an open
casket at my funeral."
"Of course, mate," said Phil. "Am not a barbarian. I'll shoot yeh square in yer belly."
"Thanks," said Alvie. "I think."
"Actually," said Phil, "maybe I should shoot yeh in the face? I mean I don't think I'll ever have
this opportunity again. May as well make it memorable."
Phil aimed his gun at Alvies face and placed his finger on the trigger to pull it. As he was about
to fire a bullet he heard a yelling, like a war cry, and looked up. Lilian dropped down from the ceiling,
onto his shoulders, and wrapped her robotic legs around his neck. She then twisted her body and
cracked his neck.
Phil dropped to the floor. Right after this happened Charlton and Manny came out of hiding.
"Wow," said Manny, "no wonder you don't have a girlfriend, Lilian. You've got legs that don't
quit...breaking people's necks."
"I'm still in shock," said Charlton. "So much death."
"Killing is part of being a super hero," said Lilian. "It's unavoidable."
"Batman doesn't kill people," said Alvie.
"Yeah and look at Batman's life," said Lilian. "The Joker is constantly causing him trouble. If
only Batman would kill him that would all stop. If I were the Batman, I'd put Joker into a wood
chipper."
"Gruesome," said Alvie.
Lilian turned around and opened the door behind her. She opened it a crack and looked in.
Nobody was there. She stepped inside, and had everyone else carefully follow behind. The group went
inside what appeared to be a laboratory. It was large and filled with all sorts of different scientific
equipment: beakers, test tubes, Bunsen burners, centrifuges, etc.
Most notable, as the group walked along, were the jars sitting on the cold steel tables. They
were strange looking jars filled with God knew what -- parts and pieces of of humans, partially
developed babies, and creatures that likely came from a lagoon.
"Whoa, check this out," said Alvie.
"What is it?" said Manny.

Manny climbed up Alvie to see.


"It's some sort of hybrid creature," said Alvie.
"We don't have time of this," said Lilian. "But what the hell is it?"
Sitting on a table was an aquarium. Inside the aquarium was a turtle with the head of a human.
Or was it a human with the body of a turtle?
"It's a human turtle," said Charlton.
"There are some papers on the table," said Manny.
Lilian picked up the papers. They were notes. She read them aloud to everyone.
"Day 125," said Lilian. "We have managed to hybridize turtles and humans; however, they seem
to be more turtle than human. They have not come out like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as we had
imagined. But if funding allows we will continue to play God and figure out a way to bring our
fantasies to fruition. Cowabunga, dudes! Next experiment: Samurai Pizza Cats."
"Am I the only one that hopes they succeed?" said Alvie.
"Yes," said Charlton. "You're the only one."
"By the way," said Lilian, "you can deactivate your invisibility, Alvie. We no longer need to see
your Dong Wang."
"Ooops, sorry," said Alvie. "I forgot about that."
Alvie pressed the invisibility button on his suit to deactivate it. He and the others then continued
going through the laboratory, until they got to another door, thought this door, unlike the other doors,
was marked. There was a gold coloured sign that read: "Testing Area."
"What are we doing here?" said Manny.
"It's a shortcut," said Lilian. 'This is the fastest route to the control center. Once we get to the
control center we'll hack into the system, release all the slaves from their jail cells, land the airship in
an empty field, and then trigger the emergency alarm to make everyone evacuate."
"What about the Handsome Bomb?" said Manny. ^^
"We have a bomb of our own," said Lilian.
Alvie showed Manny a small nuclear bomb.
"Is that what I think it is?" said Manny.
"Yep," said Alvie. "It's a palm sized nuclear bomb. It'll be enough to destroy the slave ship, the
Handsome Bomb, and any local wildlife within 5 kilometers by giving them malignant cancer."
"Christ," said Manny. "That don't sound like a good idea."
"We're going to plant it in the engine room," said Charlton, "then we're going to put it on a timer
to give ourselves enough time to escape. We won't be affected... I hope."
Chapter 39: Testing Area
Leaving the laboratory, Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny went into the testing area. It was an
enormous, steel-toned, circular room, in which the walls were lined with people. Thee people were
trapped in tube-like structures that appeared to be affixed to the ground.
"Holy moly," said Charlton. "What is this place?"
"The testing area," said Lilian.
"I was being rhetorical," said Charlton.
"Right," said Lilian.
"Wow," said Alvie. "I wonder what sort of tests they perform here."
"Oooh, look," said Manny. "The Pepsi taste test challenge. I'll be back in a minute."
Manny ran off and went over to the Pepsi-branded booth.
"Aw, rats," he said. "it's closed. They didn't let my taste decide."
"Never mind that," said Lilian. "We need to find the exit."
Just then at the end of the testing area a door that looked like an aperture opened up. Through it

came Handsome Sam, Tarmul, and Finley. Tarmul, who looked even stronger than before, was holding
Finley, letting his feet dangle in the air.
Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, and Manny, seeing this, quickly scurried behind the Pepsi Challenge
booth and used it as a hiding spot.
"I told you," said Finley,"I don't know nothing!"
"You mean you don't know anything," said Handsome Sam.
"You Nazi!" said Finley. "You grammar Nazi!"
"Calm down," said Handsome Sam. "We're not here to hurt you."
"Really?" said Finley.
"I'm such a great liar, aren't I?" said Handsome Sam. "Mwah-ha-ha-ha!"
Finley kicked and scream, but it was no use. Tarmul's grip on him was too tight.
"You're only going to wear yourself thin," said Tarmul.
"I don't pay you to speak," said Handsome Sam. "Strap the boy down and let's begin this. We
have to make sure this is just perfect."
Handsome Sam clapped his hands and a table, with straps on it, rose from the floor. Tarmul
gagged Finley and then tied him down. Finley laid on the table, trying to move. He cried for help, but
no one came.
Meanwhile, Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny, who were in hiding, began to get worried.
"I don't like this," Manny whispered.
"We have to help him," said Charlton.
"I'm ready to kick some ass," said Alvie.
"No," said Lilian. "No one is giong anywhere. Our cover is going to be blown. We have to wait
until they're gone."
"But, but Finley," said Charlton.
"No 'buts,'" said Lilian. "I'm the team captain now and you are to do as I say. Understood?
UNDERSTOOD?"
Charlton glared. "...Understood. Captain."
Meanwhile, Tarmul and Handsome Sam were doing something to Finley. Something no good.
They rolled up his sleeves and wiped his arm with an antiseptic wipe.
"What's the point of this?" said Tarmul.
"What do you mean? This? It's an antiseptic wipe," said Handsome Sam. "It's to reduce the risk
of infection."
"Yes, but, isn't he going to die?" said Tarmul.
"We don't know that," said Handsome Sam. "That's why this is a test."
Charlton panicked and tried getting up, but Lilian pulled him down, and placed her hand over
his mouth.
"Don't move," she said.
And Charlton did as he was told. Mainly since he couldn't resist against Lilian's strength. Lilian
who made him, Alvie, and Manny watch what was happening to Finley. Finley laid there on the table
completely helpless. He was so frightened that he started to cry.
"What's w'ong?" said Handsome Sam, pinching Finley's cheek. "Are you scared?
Oooooooooooooooooooooh, poor baby!"
Though Finley's mouth was gagged he had enough sense to say, "Fuck you!"
After which Handsome Sam put out his hand and Tarmul gave him a very large needle.
Handsome Sam stuck this needle into Finley's arm and injected him with nanoids (aka nanorobots).
Finley screamed. Not because it was particularly painful, but because he hated needles.
"Now," said Handsome Sam, "we wait and watch for the nanorobots to take their effect. Stand
back, Tarmul."
Tarmul took two steps back. He was so big and heavy that he shook the entire room.

"Nothing is happening," said Tarmul.


Handsome Sam put his hands together. "Patience, my friend."
1 hour later...
"Ah, for fucksakes!" said Handsome Sam. "Why isn't this working?! We did everything right!"
"Patience," said Tarmul.
"Oh, shut your fucking mouth," said Handsome Sam, then he climbed atop Finley and started
bitch slapping him as if that would get something work working. "Come on! Work! Damn you!"
Still watching from behind the Pepsi Challenge booth, Charlton, Lilian, and Alvie winced at this
gratuitous violence. Manny, however, had his eyes closed, and was starting to nod off. Alvie lightly
elbowed his head to get him to wake up.
"Wuh-wuh-wuh!" said Manny, with a shake. "I'm awake, who's there?!"
"Shhh! Be quiet," said Lilian. "We're going to charge. On my count, okay? Ten..."
At this point Handsome Sam had stopped slapping Finley. He got off him and folded his arms.
"Well," he said, "this has been a good waste of time.'
And as he was about to walk away, something started happening, which got his attention. Finley
began convulsing, and shaking, and trembling, losing all control of his body, and then he started
changing, physically.
The nanorobots within Finley's body had worked their way to the surface, and were changing
his external appearances, until Finley was no longer Finley, and looked just like Handsome Sam.
Handsome Sam clapped his hands and looked down at Finley.
"Holy mother fucker," said Handsome Sam. "Shit out my ass. It worked. It's really worked. He
looks like my twin brother or something. Tarmul, unstrap him."
Tarmul unstrapped Finley, who looked exactly the same as Handsome Sam. Handsome Sam
waved his hand in front of the now transformed Finley.
"Hey," said Handsome Sam. "How are you feeling?"
Something inside of Finley had changed not only his body but a part of his brain.
"I'm great!" said Finley. "I'm the most handsome man in the world, I'm smart, and all the ladies
love me. They should call me LL Cool F. That stands for 'Ladies love cool Finley.'"
Handsome Sam gave Finley a hand and helped him up.
"My God," said Handsome Sam, inspecting Finley with his eyes, "you are really attractive."
"You too," said Finley. "But then again we look exactly alike."
Handsome Sam and Finley both laughed at the same time. It was like they were twins, totally in
synch.
"Hey," said Handsome Sam, "why don't you head on down to the lounge and have some cigars
and whiskey? I'll be by shortly to join you."
"Where is this lounge?" said Finley. "Which I'm sure will be totally awesome."
"Tarmul, show our guest to the lounge, will you?" said Handsome Sam.
Tarmul grunted. "Follow me."
Tarmul and Finley then left the testing area. As soon as they were gone the table that rose from
the floor receded. Handsome Sam stepped into the center of the room, bathing himself in the bright
light.
"My God," said Handsome Sam to himself, "you really are a magnificent genius. You are
amazing. You are just -- ooooooooooooh! I love you! You are literally the perfect human being and now
the gift of being us may be shared with the entire world."
"Hey," Charlton whispered to Lilian, behind the Pepsi Challenge booth, "we should've
intervened before Finley was changed. What happened to your countdown?"
"I made a mistake," Lilian whispered back, "you should get off my back now."
"Get off your back?" said Charlton. "If it weren't for you we could've stopped this. Finley's
pretty much dead now. What's there left of him? It's not even him."

"Keep quiet," said Lilian, "I want to hear Handsome Sam's monologue. It may reveal something
to us about his inner character and his plans for the future."
"This is going to be boring," said Manny.
"Look at him," said Alvie. "He has the smuggest face in the world. Ooh, it's so punchable."
Handsome Sam continued his speech.
"It is the means to an end," he said. "I know people think my plan is insane. They think I'm
crazy, but think about the effect it will have on our planet: WORLD PEACE. Because when everyone
looks the same, thinks the same, there will never be any quarrels, or disagreements. But mainly no one
will ever be lonely. No one will be rejected because they are a freak, or weirdo, or socially awkward, or
ugly, or stupid. Since we'll all be the same we will all accept each other. Everyone will be loved. You
wanna talk to me about equality? This is equality. Everyone will literally be equal. Boy, what an
amazing place Earth will be then. Everyone will look the same, think the same, and all have the same
opinions. Won't that be awesome? It's like moderating the entire world.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAahaahahaAhahaAhaahaH!!!!11"
"That's it," said Lilian. "It's time to kick his ass. In three, two..."
"One!" said Charlton.
And Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny charged toward Handsome Sam. Handsome Sam
turned around to face them. He put on a breathing mask and threw a large pellet from which coloured
smoke poured out. Lilian, Charlton, and Alvie, and Manny stopped in their tracks, and coughed
uncontrollably.
"Aaaaaaaaagh, what is this!?" said Charlton.
"Mwah-ha-ha!" said Handsome Sam. "It's a stink bomb."
"Yeah, but what's the stink?!" said Lilian.
"Persian Night Club," said Handsome Sam.
"Oh God!" said Alvie. "It burns!"
"Someone please tear off my nose!" said Manny.
"Mwah-ha-ha!" Handsome Sam laughed one more time, and then he ran off, disappearing
through the smoke. Lilian, Charlton, Alvie, and Manny went after him, but it was too late. They found
themselves in yet another hallway, without their arch nemesis in sight.
"Did anyone see which way he went?" said Lilian.
"He's gone," said Charlton.
"Rats," said Lilian.
Suddenly red lights above started flashing, a siren went off, and a stern, British lady's voice
came over a loud speaker.
"Attention all personnel," said the voice. "Our fortress has been invaded. Be on the look out for
a ragtag group of four intruders, who are described as follows: One transsexual, one midget, one albino,
and one ugly black girl. If you encounter them do not hesitate to hesitate to kill and/or rape. Preferably
not in that order."
"What the hell," said Alvie. "Rape? They're going to rape us?"
"Rape and murder," said Manny.
"Wait, did they call me an ugly black girl?" said Lilian.
"Fuck this," said Charlton. "Fuck everything! Fuck the world! I want outta here!"
Charlton broke off from the group and began walking on his own, but as he was about to take a
turn he heard the marching of security guards. He glanced and turned back. The others looked at him.
"What's the matter?" said Lilian.
Charlton ran off to the opposite end of the hallway and saw there were even more security
guards, marching, all fully armed to the teeth.
"Shit," said Charlton. "We're surrounded."
Lilian went back to the door that let them out of the testing area. It was locked.

"It's locked," said Lilian.


"What do we do, what do we do?!" said Manny.
"There's only one option," said Alvie. "Seppuku. Does anyone have a sword?"
"We are not going to commit Japanese ritual suicide," said Lilian. "At least not yet."
"Fine," said Alvie. "You have any better ideas?"
Lilian spotted a chute on the wall. For what? It never indicated. All that the label read was
"chute." The other part was rubbed off.
"Here," said Lilian. She opened the door to the chute. "We can go down this chute."
"Chute no," said Manny. "We don't even know where that goes."
"We have no choice,"s aid Lilian.
Alvie, Manny, and Charlton looked at each other.
"She is team leader," said Charlton. "We should do what she says."
"Thank you," said Lilian.
"I hate going down holes," said Alvie. "Seems like we're always going down, strange,
mysterious holes."
"Shut your gob," said Lilian, "and get into my strange, mysterious hole!"
Not having any other options, Alvie jumped down the chute (aka the strange, mysterious hole),
and was quickly followed by Manny, Charlton, and, lastly, Lilian. The ragtag team of heroes descended
and landed in a pile of clothes.
They all stood up and were amazed at their luck.
"Wow," said Manny, "we survived."
"I guess that was just a laundry chute," said Charlton.
"You're welcome," said Lilian.
"Wait, wait, wait a minute," said Alvie. "I don't think that was a laundry chute."
Alvie pointed to a sign that read: "CLOTHES DISPOSAL."
"Okay, so what?" said Lilian. "They dispose of clothes here? Big deal. Gimme a break, Alvie."
"Lilian," said Alvie, "You --"
A loud mechanical noise interrupted Alvie. Everyone turned around and looked. There was a
large shaft in the floor that laid ahead and in it were numerous spinning blades. All of a sudden the
floor everyone was standing on tilted upward. It flipped them onto their backs and made them take a
tumble.
All of the clothes fell into spinning blades and were instantly chopped into rags. Charlton,
Lilian, Alvie, and Manny were spared this fate on account of their fast reactions. They stuck their palms
out and grabbed onto the now vertical floor to avoid getting thrown into the oversized piece of
machinery that reminded them of a wood chipper. (Because of a feature on their superhero suits they
could stick onto stuff.)
"Ohhh, fuck," said Manny. "Not this again."
"What do you mean 'not this again'?" said Charlton. "Like you've done this before?"
"It's a long story," said Manny, "but it involves the Discovery Zone. You know, those big jungle
gyms for kids. I think they went bankrupt."
"Guys!" said Lilian. "This not story time! We need to find a way out of here!"
Alvie tried climbing up the tilted floor, so he could get to the opening of the chute; however, he
as he reached the top he would slide back down, just enough to put him back in his place, like he was a
woman in living in the 1950s.
"I can't get back up," said Alvie. "The floor's too slippery. Or these damned suits Tanaka gave us
aren't working properly. They were probably made in China."
"Listen to me," said Manny, "this monstrosity of a machine has conveniently exposed gears. If
we could jam them somehow, we could make this thing stop, then we could drop between the spaces."
"I have a better idea," said Charlton, "let's just wait till it stops. This thing can't go on forever...

What do you guys think?"


Manny, Lilian, and Alvie nodded in agreement.
One hour later...
"Nice plan," Lilian said to Charlton. "By the way I was being sarcastic."
"You don't get to be sarcastic," said Alvie. "This is your fault! You got us into this mess!"
"I'm sorry!" said Lilian. "I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP! I didn't know this thing was stuck
on forever!"
"Please, quit bickering," said Charlton. "We gotta move on and go to plan B. Anyone got
something we can use to jam this machine of death?"
"Our helmets," said Manny. "We can use 'em and drop 'em between the gears."
"It's worth a shot," said Lilian.
"I'll go first," said Alvie.
Alvie, who hung on with one arm, took off his helmet and threw it toward the gears of the
machine -- he totally missed.
"Ah, shiiit," said Alvie.
"You lunkhead," said Lilian. "You couldn't hit the side of a barn with a beach ball."
Lilian took off her helmet and threw it too. She also missed.
"Bulls eye!" said Alvie.
"Oh shut up," said Lilian.
"Not to worry," said Manny. "We've two helmets left."
Manny threw his helmet and missed.
"What the fuck!" said Manny. "What is this?! A carnival game?! I totally got it on the nose and
it rolled off."
"I'm the closest," said Charlton. "I should be able to get it."
Charlton threw his helmet, and didn't miss, but the helmet was simply pulverized between the
gears, and did nothing to stop the spinning blades.
"Well, darn...!" said Manny.
"There's only one way to stop this," said Lilian.
"How?" said Charlton.
"Using my titanium legs!" said Lilian.
And without warning she leapt off the tilted floor, and dove, legs first, into the gears of the
machine. The gears happily crushed up Lilian's prosthetic legs, but as it go to just about her waist they
stopped, and the spinning blades of the clothes-destroying machine came to a halt.
"I did it!" said Lilian. "I stopped the blades!"
Sparks came from what were left of Lilian's legs. Spark, spark! Sparkety, spark!
"Those sparks are so gay," said Manny.
"You done good," said Charlton. "Proud of you, Lilian."
"Thanks," said Lilian.
"Are you okay?" said Alvie.
"Physically, I think so," said Lilian. "But my feelings are hurt."
"Never mind your feelings," said Manny. "Let's get the hell out of here."
"Yes," said Lilian, "lettuce get the hell out of here."
And she detached herself from her prosthetic legs, and began climbing down the shaft of the
machine, going between the giant blades. The rest soon followed.
Chapter 40: Teh Drop
After climbing down the shaft, Charlton, Alvie, Lilian, and Manny found themselves in the engine
room of the airship. It was big and, errr, enginey. Lots of metal, and pipes, and furnaces, glowing lights,

smoke, sounds, heat, etc.


"Where be we?" said Manny.
"Yargh," said Alvie. "I can't believe me eyes. We're in the engine room. Yargggh!"
"Stop talking like pirates," said Charlton.
"Ueeaagghhhhhhhhhhhhh," Lilian moaned. "I have no legs." She cried into a pile of rags. "I
can't go on living anymore."
"Lilian," said Charlton, "you never had any legs in the first place. We'll get you some new
ones."
"You don't understand,." said Lilian, "I've had those prosthetic legs for years. They were a part
of who I am. I won the Grand Nationals with the -- THE GRAND FUCKING NATIONALS."
"I'm sorry," said Charlton. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Leave me be," said Lilian. "I'm going to stay here and die. Alvie, give me the mini atomic
bomb. I'm going to detonate it."
"Not with us here," said Alvie.
"I know that," said Lilian. "I mean I'll do it when you guys finish carrying out the plan. Head to
the control room and free everyone."
"We're not leaving without you," said Charlton.
"You have no choice," said Lilian. "I'll be nothing but a burden. For Godsakes, I'm the same
height as Manny. Except instead of legs, I have arms for legs. Oh, the humanity."
"We are not the same height," said Manny.
"Oh?" said Lilian,.
Manny and Lilian lined up side by side. As it turned out Lilian was actually taller.
"For Chrisakes," said Manny. "You've lost your legs and I'm still the shortest one in the group."
"At least you have legs," Lilian sobbed.
"Alright," said Charlton, "we're getting you out of here. Alvie, carry her on your back."
"What, why me?" said Alvie.
"You're Jewish," said Charlton. "You know about carrying crosses, so to speak."
"I'm not Jewish," said Alvie. "Also, wouldn't this be more relevant to, I dunno, Catholics? You
know, us, the Catholics, going to Catholic school?"
"Yeah, but Jesus was Jewish," said Charlton. "Sure, the Catholics know how to worship people
who carry crosses, but the Jews are much better at the carrying part."
"NO ONE IS CARRYING ME," said Lilian. "I'm not fucking Yoda."
"I want to fuck Yoda," said Manny. "Tee-he!"
"Pipe down," said Charlton. He turned to Lilian. "I'll carry you myself."
Charlton tried picking up Lilian, but she resisted. She held onto whatever she could find and
wouldn't let herself be taken away and carried around like a rucksack.
"Damnit, you're stubborn," said Charlton.
"You only noticed this now?" said Lilian.
"Fine," said Charlton. "You stay here. But we're coming back for you. Okay?"
"Maybe," said Manny. "This place is a freaking maze."
"Don't worry about me," said Lilian, "I'll find a way out on my own. I'm a woman. I'll just ask
for directions."
"Wait a minute, what about the bomb?" said Alvie. "Aren't we supposed to blow this place sky
high?"
"It's already sky high," said Manny. "Plus, we can't do that anymore. Lilian's here. We'll just
have to think of another idea that's a little less cliche."
Charlton sighed. "Yah, we better get going then. Lilian, we promise we won't forget you, unless
something distracts us and take away our attention."
"Just get out of here already," said Lilian. "You don't have much time left. The slave ship's on its

way to Toronto. At the speed we're going that should be pretty soon."
"Wait," said Manny. "What are you going to do while we're gone?"
"I think I'm going to take a nap on these rags," said Lilian. She crawled atop them. "They're so
warm and comfy." She closed her eyes and began snoring.
Charlton turned to the others. "Men, I guess it's just the three of us now, because of Lilian's low
self-esteem. Follow me, if you still want me to be your team leader."
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny left Lilian behind.
Chapter 41: Engine #9
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny continued through the engine room. It was larger than they anticipated.
They passed all manner of machinery and devices to make the airship work. They made haste, but were
yet on their way out. It was a lot like Lord of the Rings. Tons of walking.
"It sucks that we lost Lilian," said Manny, "but look on the bright side, at least we can be called
a trio now."
The trio pontificated about their situation.
"Well, what do you call it when there's four of us?" said Charlton.
"A quartet," said Alvie. "Sounds gay, right?"
"So gay," said Charlton. "Glad we're back to being a trio."
"We were never a trio," said Manny. "We were a quintet. Which sounds even gayer than quartet.
Of course there's nothing wrong with being gay. I'd be gay if I could. It would make my life a lot
easier."
"By the way, what do you think Finley is up to?" said Charlton.
"He's turned into a Handsome Sam," said Alvie. "So, I'm guessing he's having sex with
Handsome Sam."
"Odd," said Charlton. "Does that count as masturbation or being a homosexual? Or is it incest?"
"All above," said Manny, "and that's what makes it so sick. At most you should only do two of
those things at a time."
"Hear hear," said Alvie.
"Hold minute," said Charlton, "do you hear something?"
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny stopped and hid behind a column. They peeked out and saw two
gruff looking ladies in overalls shoveling rags into a metal box (i.e. a firebox). They were doing this to
stoke a fire, to boil water for the airship's steam engine.
"Incredible," Alvie whispered. "They're actually using a steam engine to power this airship. But
how much of it is powered via this old timey method?"
"Don't know," said Manny, "but some of the power is coming from burning books."
"Burning books?" said Charlton. "That's a tragedy."
Lulu and Bonnie, the workers in overalls, shoveled heaps of books into the roaring fire to power
the steam engine.
"Oof, I'm so tired of this," said Bonnie. "My arms are aching."
"Come on," said Lulu. "We can't quit now. Keep shoveling in those 50 Shades of Grey and
Twilight books."
"This," said Bonnie, "is why I do this thankless job."
Meanwhile...
"You know what?" said Charlton. "Forget what I said before. I think I'm okay with this."
"Look," said Manny, "they're blocking the exit."
"We have to take them out," said Alvie, "but do we dear attack women, who aren't even armed?
What would Lilian the man-hating feminist say?"
The trio looked back and in the far distance Lilian could just be seen sleeping on her pile of

rags. She was snoring quite a bit, but because of the noise of the engine room she couldn't be heard.
"She doesn't hate men," said Charlton. "She just hates most men. Similar, but not quiet the
same."
"I don't care if these are women," said Alvie. "I'm going to kick their asses. After all, I am
Doctor Kickass. Damn, I really do like my moniker."
"Wait," said Charlton.
But Alvie went off and confronted Lulu and Bonnie.
"Lulu and Bonnie," said Alvie. "How do you do?"
"How did you know our names?" said Bonnie.
"Your name tags," said Alvie.
"Right," said Lulu. "So, what do you want?"
"I'm super hero," said Alvie, "and I'm here to kick the both of your asses."
"First of all," said Bonnie, "HA! Second of all, why? What did we do? You said you're a hero,
not a villain, right? Why would you fight us?"
"You're helping power this slave ship," said Alvie.
"Slave ship?" said Lulu. "That's what this is? I thought those people in those cages were
employed and being paid for their time."
"Seriously?" said Alvie. "You saw people in cages and you thought they were paid workers?"
"It's a tough economy," said Bonnie. "You'd be surprised at what conditions people are willing
to accept."
"Fine, never mind," said Alvie. "I'm not going to kick anyone's ass here. Can you tell me direct
me to where the slaves are? And where the control room is?"
"Listen," said Bonnie. "This is the first job I've had in a while. I get paid four times Canadian
minimum wage. It's a lot of money. I'm not going to jeopardize my career as a shoveler, so you can free
some slaves. They're obviously here for a reason. Just let it be."
"Don't listen to her," said Lulu. "You go and rescue the slaves. Just exit through the door here
and take a left. You'll see the control room too. You can't miss it."
"Lulu," said Bonnie. "What are you doing? Are we not partners here? Why are you helping
him? He looks so weird."
"What's that got to do with anything?" said Lulu.
"Just saying," said Bonnie. "He is the whitest person I've ever seen and I've been to the United
Kingdom before."
"Alright, that's it," said Alvie, "now I'm gonna kick your ass. I don't care if you are a girl."
"Don't think it'll be so easy," said Bonnie.
"Let's see," said Alvie.
Then Bonnie did a spinning jump kick and knocked him out cold, at which point Manny and
Charlton came out of the woodwork.
"Bloody hell!" said Manny.
"Ah fuck," said Charlton, "I can't believe you've done this."
Charlton pulled Alvie and patted his face to wake him up.
"Huh? Yes," said Alvie, "I would eat a pumpkin for breakfast."
"Wut?" said Manny.
Alvie shook his head. "Where am I?"
"That scruffy looking girl knocked you out," said Manny.
"Lucky shot," said Alvie.
Alvie marched toward Bonnie and was knocked out once again. This time with an uppercut.
"Wow," said Manny. "That was quite a punch."
For the second time, Charlton helped wake up Alvie. He then went back to Bonnie and was
Hadoukened in the stomach. He flew back 15 feet and slammed into the wall.

"Man," said Manny, "and I thought Lilian was stubborn."


"I'm beginning to question his intelligence," said Charlton.
Lulu went over to the door and opened it. Out in the hallway the flashing red lights and alarm
were still active.
"You two better get your friend out of here before it gets worse," said Lulu. "My co-worker is
known to have anger management issues. One time she grabbed my head and farted into my open
mouth. She told me I was breathing too loud."
"How ironic," said Manny.
"Well, alright," said Charlton, "we must be going now. Thanks for the help by the way."
Lulu waved goodbye. Manny, and Charlton, who was carrying Alvie, left through the door, and
went into the hallway. They looked right and saw a hoard of security guards. There must've been at
least a hundred of them.
"Ah, shit," said Manny.
Then one of the security guards yelled "There they are!" and he and everyone behind began
shooting. Kiss! Kiss! Bang! Bang! Charlton and Manny put their heads down and ran left in the
opposite direction. They went through a heavy steel door and locked it as fast as they could. The
security guards could be heard on the other side, banging on the door.
"Open up!" they said. "We have you surrounded -- on one side only -- but of all the sides this
one is the most important!"
"He's right," said Manny, "we should just give ourselves up."
At this moment Alvie awoke. He stood on his own two feet.
"Alvie," said Charlton, "are you okay?"
"Yeah," said Alvie. "Where are we?"
Charlton slapped Alvie upside the head.
"Ow," said Alvie. "What was that for?"
"Lilian isn't here," said Charlton. "So, I'm guessing that's what she'd do to you."
"You know her very well," said Alvie.
Charlton looked around. There were hanging cages all around. Each was packed full of slaves.
"Christ almighty," said Manny. "We must be in the slave-keeping area. It smells like a dog's ass
in here."
"You've smelled a dog's ass?" said Alvie.
"Was a long time ago," said Manny. "I was pretending to be a dog and I wanted to blend in."
"OY!" said the security guards, outside, trying to knock down the door. "We're coming in!
We've called for a locksmith! He says his prices are reasonable!"
"Alright," said Charlton, "time to GTFO."
And Charlton led the way, while Alvie, and Manny followed behind. They went down the path
the laid ahead of them and came to a something that appeared to be a chamber. There was a large glass
ball dangling from the ceiling and below that a throne-like chair upon which Tarmul was sitting.
"I've been waiting for you," said Tarmul. "We have some unfinished business."
"Have you really been waiting for us?" said Manny. "That's kind of pathetic."
"Not that long," said Tarmul. "I saw you guys and sat here for like 30 seconds."
"Hm, I see you've gotten a lot bigger since we last met," said Charlton.
"I am invincible," said Tarmul.
"Great," said Alvie.
"OK," said Charlton, "we'd like to free the slaves now. Do you have the keys to these cages?"
"You will not take away my food," said Tarmul.
"Food?" said Manny.
Tarmul took off his mask and uncovered his mouth. Where he was supposed to have a mouth he
had no lips and all his teeth were fangs.

"That's not a good look for you," said Alvie.


Tarmul pulled a lever on the wall. All the cages dropped to the floor and their doors swung
open. The slaves tried pulling the doors closed, but they would not budge.
"What're they doing?" said Charlton.
Tarmul roared and started convulsing. He the began changing physically. His arms and legs
stretched out, his eyes became yellow, his skin grew purple scales, and from his back came wings. He
had transformed into a real, live dragon.
Charlton, Alvie and Manny stood there, unprepared for what was before them.
"Fuckin' hell," said Manny.
The trio ducked down as Dragon Tarmul flew past them. Dragon Tarmul pushed his snout into
the cages and began eating the slaves whole as if they were mere snacks. As Dragon Tarmul licked his
lips the other slaves, the ones not being digested, ran out, and scattered, trying to find an exit. They
opened the door at front and allowed in the security guards outside.
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny took cover behind the throne, while the security guards, unaware of
what was happening started firing their guns at Dragon Tarmul. Dragon Tarmul opened his jaws and
swallowed whoever was in his way. Soon everyone but Charlton, Alvie, and Manny were lunch for a
dragon.
Dragon Tarmul spun around, and belly fully, crawled toward the throne, where the trio were
hiding.
"On my count," said Charlton, "we jump out and spread."
"Spread where?" asid Alvie.
"Out," said Charlton.
"Okay," said Manny. "I'm ready, Kaptain Krayzee."
"Shit!" said Charlton. "3-2-1!"
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny jumped out the way, not a second too soon, as Dragon Tarmul
swung his head down and smashed the throne with a roar. Charlton stood up and retrieved from his suit
a high-tech, mini boomerang. He threw it at the wire holding up the giant suspended ball.
When the laser-edged boomerang hit the wire it became cut, and the ball, which was made out
of glass, dropped directly on top of Dragon Tarmul's head, with a shattering noise. Dragon Tarmul's
head was squashed in a most egregious manner like that of an egg thrown against the ground.
Charlton, Alvie, and Manny went over to Dragon Tarmul to see precisely the state he was in.
"Good job," Manny said to Charlton. "You've slayed the dragon."
"You're a regular Saint George," said Alvie.
Charlton nodded.
"Alvie," he said, "do you have your motorized saw with you?"
"As always," said Alvie.
"Good," said Charlton, "I want you cut open the belly of the beast."
Alvie went over to the engorged belly of Dragon Tarmul, took out his tiny (but powerful)
motorized saw, and ran it down the length, splitting it open. The slaves and security guards all spilled
out. However, they were all dead. The acids in the dragon's stomach were so strong that their flesh was
stripped away and now they remained nothing but bone.
Alvie covered his mouth and nose. The stench burned his nostrils.
"Oh, God," said Alvie. "It smells worse than sulfuric acid."
"Those poor slaves," said Charlton. "Those poor, stinky, partially digested slaves."
"Rest in peace," said Manny; he made the sign of the cross.
"Whoa," said Alvie. "Everyone better stand back."
"What's happening?" said Manny.
The acids from Dragon Tarmul's stomach were dissolving the floor. Fast. Charlton, Alvie, and
Manny stepped back, pressing their backs against the wall, and before they knew it the ground beneath

them had collapsed. They all went plummeting.


Chapter 42: Control
After falling through the floor, and shitting themselves from fear, Manny and Charlton stood up.
"You alright?" said Charlton.
"I think so," said Manny.
Charlton and Manny, having blurry vision, both rubbed their eyes. They looked around about
and saw Alvie laying still, not moving.
"Alvie!" said Manny, and he ran over to Alvie.
"Is he okay?" said Charlton.
Manny put his close ear to Alvie's mouth and listened for a sound. He was breathing, just barely.
"I think he's still alive," said Manny. "The impact resistance of his super hero suit musta saved
him from dying."
"We have to get him to a hospital," said Charlton.
"How?" said Manny. "We're in the middle of nowhere."
"We're going to take control of this this slave ship and land it," said Charlton. "We just need to
get to the control room."
Manny rubbed his eyes again. He gave the space around him a second look.
"We are in the control room," said Manny.
Charlton did a 360. The control room was at the very tip of the airship. It had a huge glass
window at the front, an illuminated map, and all manner of electronics, including computers, TV
screens, and a collection of panels which had switches, buttons, and levers.
At the helm, looking outside, was a Malaysian man behind a big steering wheel. Telling by his
Cap'n Crunch-style outfit he was the captain of this flight. How good of a captain he was could be
debated as he had on headphones, and, while navigating, would intermittently play Mario Maker and
Custer's Revenge on his Wii U controller.
Charlton and Manny crept behind a bronze statue of Handsome Same and observed Hakim.
Hakim seemed rather happy doing his job. He kept bobbing his head, and, every now and again, would
yell: "WOP-WOP-WAMPUM-GANGAM STYLE!"
"Jesus Christ Monkey Balls," Charlton whispered. "Is the captain of this ship Malaysian?"
"Ahhh, we're as good as dead," said Manny. "We may as well take our cyanide pills now."
Manny went into his pocket and took out a pill. He popped it into his mouth and swallowed.
Then he began coughing.
"You swallowed a cyanide pill!?!" said Charlton.
Manny made a fist and tapped his chest. It helped him swallow.
"What? No, I just had a Tic Tac," said Manny. "Mint flavored. I wanted orange but they ran out
at the convenience store. ...Man, I don't get the Tic Tac company. Why bother making anything other
than orange?"
"Quiet," said Charlton, "I hear someoen coming."
Charlton and Manny lowered down. Just then Handsome Sam entered the control room. He
tapped the pilot Hakim on the shoulder. Hakim took off his headphones and put down his Wii U
controller.
"Hakim," said Handsome Sam. "How many times have I told you no playing video games while
navigating? Aren't you concerned about our safety?"
"No," said Hakim. "Not really."
"I like your honesty," said Handsome Sam. "Keep up the good work."
"Thank you," said Hakim.
Handsome Sam pointed to the crumbled ceiling/floor that had been dissolved by Dragon

Tarmul's stomach acids. "But what's this? What's happened to my beautiful ceiling?"
"That's not my fault," said Hakim. "You know how construction workers and handymen are.
They're always half-assing everything. Why, two weeks ago I called in a guy to repair my shower. Now
instead of getting hot water through the shower head it's ice cold root beer. I mean I like root beer, but I
don't wanna wash myself in it."
"Fair point," said Handsome Sam. "So, how far are we away from Rob Ford High now?"
"I didn't know he was still alive," said Hakim. "Well, considering his appetite, he's probably
high at this very moment."
"Argh, not 'Rob Ford high,'" said Handsome Sam. "Rob Ford High. The school."
Hakim had a blank look on his face.
"The high school I used to go to," said Handsome Sam in an irritated tone. "Remember? I used
to go there? It's in Toronto."
"...I knew that," said Hakim. He cleared his throat. "We're about 20 clicks away, sir."
"In French," said Handsome Sam.
"Vingt kilomtres," said Hakim.
"Ahhh, we're quite close," said Handsome Sam. "It won't be long now."
"What do you have planned anyway?" said Hakim. "Are you going there as a tourist? I've heard
nothing but terrible things about Toronto. They say it's like New York."
"I'm not going there as a tourist," said Handsome Sam. "I'm going there to drop a bomb."
"Okay," said Hakim without so much as batting an eyelid. "Let me know if you need any help."
"You don't care that I'm dropping a bomb?" said Handsome Sam. "Most people tend to question
me when I tell them what I'm doing."
"Hey, I'm only here to collect a pay cheque," said Hakim. "I'm not here to think...about
anything. In fact, I fly best when my mind is completely blank."
"Wait," said Handsome Sam. "How exactly did you get hired to fly this airship again?"
"I did what everyone else does," said Hakim. "I lied on my resume. I'm not really a work-aholic. I'm an alcoholic, but I don't think it's the same thing. One time I got so drunk I hit my wife. Turns
out I don't have a wife. Who the hell did I hit?"
"You stole that joke from Family Guy," said Handsome Sam.
"Yeah, I did," said Hakim. "I steal a lot of jokes. When people call me out on it, I tell them it's
an homage, and then it's totally okay for some reason."
"Anywho," said Handsome Sam, "let me know when we're ready to touchdown. I'm going to go
off to the little boy's room and have a wee."
"You enjoy it, sir," said Hakim.
As Handsome Sam was about to leave, Manny and Charlton came out from their hiding places,
and confronted him. They struck a pose to look intimidating.
"Stop where you are," said Charlton. "We are here to punish you."
"I am going to punish you in your sac," said Manny.
Handsome Sam as usual had on a cocky grin.
"Tell us where the bomb is," said Charlton, "and we'll let you live."
"Wrong," said Handsome Sam. "It is I who will let you live. And then not let you live. Because I
will kill you."
"Not today!" said Charlton.
Then Charlton and Manny each took out a pair of nunchuks and twirled them around, doing
fancy tricks.
"Ha," said Handsome Sam. "You think I'm going to fight you with your nunchuks and get my
hands dirty? I have an assortment of ninjas who protect me."
Handsome Sam whistled for his ninjas -- but no ninjas appeared.
"Any moment now," he said.

"Where are these ninjas again?" said Manny.


"I think the problem here is," said Handsome Sam, "they're so good that they're practically
invisible. If I could just..."
Handsome Sam waved his arms about as if trying to touch his invisible ninjas.
"They're here somewhere," said Handsome Sam. "Grrrrr, where the hell are they!?"
"Ninja holiday," said Hakim while navigating the airship. "They have the day off."
"What?!" said Handsome Sam. "That can't be. What's this holiday called?"
"Ninja Appreciation Day," said Hakim. "It's a lot like Christmas, except instead of writing a list
of toys you want to Santa, you write down a list of people you want assassinated, on a scroll, and you
send it off to the spirit of Miyamoto Musahi, who apparently lives in Okinawa."
"Damn them," said Handsome Sam. "See, this is why I don't like hiring religious people. They
always want holidays off to celebrate their nonsense. Curse them all with Ebola!"
"Curse you with nunchuks!" said Manny.
And Manny, and Charlton charged at Handsome Sam, and whupped his ass with their nunchuks,
until he was on the floor, quivering in a ball.
"My goodness," said Charlton. "We did it. We defeated the infamous Handsome Sam. I thought
we would have a long, protracted fight."
"This is certainly anticlimactic," said Manny.
"OR IS IT? said a voice.
Charlton and Manny looked up. Handsome Sam swung down from a rope and landed perfectly
on his feet. He put his hands on his hips in a triumphant pose.
"Handsome Sam?" said Charlton. "But how -- ?"
"You foolish fools," said Handsome Sam. "The man you've beaten half to death is not actually
me. It is your beloved, retarded friend, Finley. Do you not remember? I experimented on him and
changed him to be a clone of me? Mwah-ha-ha!"
"You scum bucket," said Charlton.
Handsome Sam folded his arms.
"I have to tell you the truth," said Handsome Sam. "I kinda of like the two of you."
"Aw, you do?" said Manny. "Well, this is a pleasant surprise. To tell you the the truth I kinda
like you as well. You're a pretty cool person."
Annoyed at this remark Charlton smacked Manny on his shoulder.
"Ow," said Manny. "What was that for?"
"Don't suck up," said Charlton.
"Anyway, my point is," said Handsome Sam, "since I like the both of you, I want to offer your
two choices: A) You all can join me and together we can conquer the world. Or B) You can fight me
and lose."
Manny and Charlton looked at each other.
At the same time they said, "Handsome Sam, we'll join you."
Chapter 43: Ass Two Ass!
"Fo' reals?" said Handsome Sam.
"Er, yes," said Charlton. "Fo' reals."
Handsome Sam went over to Charlton and shook his hand.
"Glad to have you on the team," said Handsome Sam.
"What about me?" said Manny.
"No," said Handsome Sam. "You have a midget's hand. It's all squishy and padded. I just don't
wanna touch it, okay?"
"But I still get to join you guys?" said Manny.

"Of course," said Handsome Sam. "Would be glad to have you. As I say there aren't enough evil
people in the world. Did you know that only 97% of people can be considered evil? What happened to
the other 3%?"
"Wait, it's 97%?" said Charlton. "Based on what?"
"Diets," said Handsome Sam. "The majority of people on this planet eat meat. And is that not
wrong? Is it not wrong and evil to take the life of another living being for your pleasure and joy? We're
omnivores. We can survive on leafy greens, and nuts, and rice, and stuff. We don't have to have meat to
survive. So, if you eat meat, you're evil, but I think that's a good thing. I mean, it's bad thing, and that's
good."
"Yes," said Charlton. "I agree."
"Double agree," said Manny. "I eat meat all the time. I even eat the cute stuff, like cats, and
dogs, and rabbits, and horses."
"Well done," said Handsome Sam. "Now do y'all know about my plan for world domination?"
"No," said Charlton. "We are totally naive. Explain it to us."
"Hm, let me show you instead," said Handsome Sam.
Then Handsome Sam stepped over to a golden-coloured rope and tugged on it. At that very
same moment a panel on the upper wall opened up and a slide came down. On this slide slid down an
object of great interest. It was the infamous Handsome Bomb. A nanorobot powered bomb that would
make everyone in the world look and act exactly like Handsome Sam.
"What do you think?" said Handsome Sam.
"Very nice, but what is it?" said Charlton (who was acting dumb).
"It's the Handsome Bomb," said Handsome Sam. "I won't go into details, but it'll transform
everyone, and make them think, and act like me. Won't that be grand? I plan to drop it in the middle of
Rob Ford High. It's the school I used to go to before I moved out to Montenegro."
"Did you like it there?" said Manny.
"Heck no," said Handsome Sam. "The people there were mean and they were bullies. Every day
they would torment me. But the worst part was they didn't allow peanuts or peanut butter on school
grounds. Which makes sense, I admit, since people have allergies. But then they banned all foods that
look like peanuts or peanut butter. Like what? How does that make any sense? That's like banning
squirts guns because they look like guns. Maaan, their policy was just retarded -- totally retarded! See,
this is why I created the Handsome Bomb."
"Because of a peanut butter ban?" said Charlton.
"Yes," said Handsome Sam. "It made me realize how truly stupid people are and it inspired me
to help them out -- by making them like me."
"But what about diversity?" said Charlton. "What about the idea that we're all a little different
from each other and that makes the world a better, more interesting place? Have you ever thought about
that?"
Handsome Sam stroked his chin as if he had a beard.
"Wait a minute," said Handsome Sam. "I'm starting to think you two aren't as evil as I initially
thought."
"What? No," said Manny. "We are. We're totally evil. Beyond evil."
"Prove it," said Handsome Sam.
"You know the Holocaust?" said Manny. "I love the Holocaust. It's my favourite event in human
history."
"And black people," said Charlton, "I hate those dirty monkeys. Make them slaves again.
They're ruining society."
"Hmm," said Handsome Sam. "Both of those thoughts are quite evil, but then again that's
something anyone could lie about. I'll have to give you each a real test."
"What kind of test?" said Manny.

Handsome Sam went into his pocket and took out two pieces of jerky -- MADE FROM
PEOPLE! He handed one to Manny and one to Charlton.
"Eat it," said Handsome Sam. "It's jerky made from humans. If you can eat human you are
certainly evil enough to be a part of my team."
"Are you sure this is made out of human?" said Manny. "How do we know it's not just beef or
some other worthless animal?"
"Take a careful look at it," said Handsome Sam. "You'll find all the evidence you need."
Charlton looked at his piece of jerky and saw that it contained a fingernail. Immediately he
began feeling sick and wanted to throw up. But he fought it and kept his cool.
"Oh, well," said Charlton, "look at that. A fingernail."
"Just eat around it," said Handsome Sam. "It's no big deal."
Charltoon and Manny tried but they couldn't. They couldn't eat human jerky. (Or as cannibals
call it: long pig.)
"Ah-ha! I knew you two were tricking me," said Handsome Sam. "Now I will kill the both of
you."
And he took out a knife and stabbed at Charlton and Manny. The two, however, saw the attack
coming and dove out of the way.
"Damnit," said Handsome Sam. "Whenever I announce I'm going to kill someone it never
works out. Perhaps I should be less grandiose...? Nah!"
Handsome Sam then chased Charlton and Manny around, trying to gut them.
"Stop moving about so fast," said Handsome Sam. "I only want to kill you."
"Never," said Charlton. "Nevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!"
Handsome Sam reached into his coat pocket and took out something that looked like a mini
crossbow. He loaded it with a shiny arrow and aimed it.
"Ha," said Manny. "What're you gonna do with that? Our super hero suits are bullet proof."
"Arrow proof?" said Handsome Sam.
"Mm, not so sure," said Manny. "I --"
Handsome Sam shot the arrow at Manny. Many tried a back flip to avoid the attack, but was
shot in the arse. As it turned out his super hero suit was not arrow proof.
"Ow! My Arse!" said Manny.
Not a second later he went unconscious.
"Oh! The humanity!" said Charlton. "You've killed Canada's only teenaged dwarf!"
"Relax," said Handsome Sam. "He isn't dead. I shot him with a tranquilizer arrow. So, the
midget is only taking a nap."
"Well," said Charlton, "I won't be foolish enough to get shot in the bum like my friend. Screw
you guys, I'm going home."
Charlton ran, heading for the exit; while doing so he covered up his butt cheeks with his hands.
Unfortunately, this impromptu shielding method only made him slower, and Handsome Sam shot him
with an arrow in the side of his ass.
After which Charlton fell over and went unconscious.
Chapter 44: Crash
Charlton and Alvie woke up. They found they were tied together with rope, back to back, on two
chairs. They turned their heads and saw they were still in the control room. Finley was gone, but
Handsome Sam remained. He was standing beside his nano-bomb and his airship pilot named Hakim.
Handsome Sam looked out the enormous window at the front.
"Ah," he said, "we're in Toronto. I can see the CN Tower from. It looks a giant robot's penis.
Don't you think, Hakim?"

"Eh, sure," said Hakim. "Why not?"


Charlton and Manny struggled to get free.
"Stop struggling," said Handsome Sam without even turning to look back. "You'll only get rope
burn on your skin."
"It's a risk I'm willing to take," said Charlton.
"Fine," said Handsome Sam. "It's your skin."
Manny whispered to Charlton. "Don't worry, mate. I have a plan to get us home free."
"What's your plan?" Charlton whispered back.
"I'm going to close my eyes," Manny whispered, "and when I open them again everything will
be fine."
"What?!" Charlton whispered, trying not to yell. "What kind plan is that?"
"Are we not having a dream?" said Manny.
"Oh God," said Charlton. "Just kill me now. Let's skip the theatrics. I am ready to die."
"Don't be such a drama queen," said Manny. "We're the good guys and as you know good things
happen to good people."
Charlton rolled his eyes.
"I know we're back to back," said Manny, "but I can feel you rolling your eyes and I think it's
quite rude."
Charlton sighed. As he resigned himself to his fate Lilian appeared in a corner. Charlton was the
only one at this point who could see her. She put her finger against her nose telling him to keep quiet.
She crawled over and began chewing on his ropes. In no time Charlton and Manny were free. But as
they were going to get up to leave Handsome Sam noticed them.
"Launch me!" said Lilian.
"What?" said Charlton.
"Launch me!" Lilian repeated.
Charlton picked up Lilian and threw her, as hard as he could, at Handsome Sam. Handsome
Sam, however, ducked down and avoided this human projectile. Instead Lilian collided into Hakim and
stuck to his back.
Hakim, seeing Lilian's prosthetic arms screamed, "Agh! I'm being attacked by an assassin from
the future! I must save us all!" And he turned the wheel of the airship, so hard that it rotated several
times, and went out of control, and smashed into the CN Tower.
The top part of the CN Tower (the needle portion) cracked off and fell to the ground, killing
several innocent Canadians, two American tourists, and a cat that looked like Garfield. In spite of this
slaughter the airship was not yet finished its path of destruction and crashed into another building: Rob
Ford High School.
Chapter 45: Rob Ford High
The airship destroyed half of the high school and only stopped when it reached the cafeteria, which also
served as a theater. The students, who were having lunch, stood up and looked at the airship, its nose
jutting out through the stage at the far end. They were unaware of the danger they were in.
Through a hole at the front of the airship Charlton came out, pulling along the Handsome
Bomb. When he saw the students staring he urged them to leave.
"You're all in danger," he said. "You have to get out of here!"
But no one listened. Instead they only gawked and some of them took out their cellphone
cameras to record this (to them) amusing spectacle. A few of them were shouting out: "World Star!"
...Idiots.
Charlton continued dragging the Handsome Bomb. As he was near the doors the owner of this
bomb, Handsome Sam, came out of the airship -- and he was holding a machine gun.

"What the fuck are you all staring at?!" said Handsome Sam. He jumped up on a table. "Why
don't you freaks all go back to the pit in hell where you all came from?!?!"
Being Canadian the students at Rob Ford High were not sure what they were staring at, until
that is Handsome Sam opened fire with his AK-47.
The sound it made went: RATTA-TAT-TAT! RATTA-TAT-TAT!
Charlton took cover behind a wall, while the students in the cafeteria fled. Those who were not
fast enough were shot in their dicks. Handsome Sam gave no mercy.
"Die!" said Handsome Sam. "Die!"
Then he hopped off his table and headed toward Charlton. When he pulled the trigger on his
machine gun he discovered he was out of bullets.
"Damnit, outta bullets," said Handsome Sam. "This is the fifth time this week."
Charlton, using all the energy he had in him, picked up the Handsome Bomb and started
running off. He ran up a set of stairs and went into the chapel. After locking its doors, he hid the bomb
inside the confessional booth, and went over to the altar. He put the altar table on its side and took
cover behind.
Not a moment later Handsome Sam came bursting in with a samurai sword. He dragged it along
the floor and yelled, "Come on out to play, tranny boy! I have a surprise for you!"
Charlton started sweating thinking of a way to defeat his nemesis. Then he grabbed the giant
crucifix off the wall and leapt over the altar table to defend himself.
Handsome Sam held up his samurai sword and laughed. "Ha! What're you gonna do with that?"
"The power of Christ compels you!" said Charlton, and he swung the crucifix as hard as he
could, and knocked the sword out of Handsome Sam's hand. The sword sailed through the air and
became stuck in the wall.
Handsome Sam stretched his arm to retrieve his blade, but Charlton rammed him full speed
with the crucifix, and pinned him into a corner.
"Who do you think you are?" said Handsome Sam. "You can't stop me!"
And Handsome Sam made a fist and struck the crucifix so hard that it snapped in two.
Handsome Sam then charged toward Charlton and gave him a jump kick to the chest. Charlton flew
back and crashed to the floor.
When he stood up Handsome Sam was ready to give him a wallop across the face. Charlton
blocked the next punch and then he and Handsome Sam traded an uncountable amount of blows. They
went punch for punch, kick for kick. It was a flurry of fists and feet. The two became exhausted from
the melee.
Charlton laid with his back on the floor while Handsome Sam sat atop his chest. In this position
Handsome Sam mercilessly struck Charlton and our hero was beaten until he was barely conscious.
It was at this point Handsome Sam decided to stand up. But it was not to give Charlton a
reprieve. Instead Handsome Sam went down the chapel and retrieved his sword in the wall. He went
back to Charlton and held his bladed weapon aloft.
Charlton could only stare at his imminent demise.
"Do you have any last words?" said Handsome Sam.
Charlton spat up some blood. "Yeah... Go fuck yourself. With a rough, sharp, pointy stick."
"How rude," said Handsome Sam, and he turned around his sword, and pointed it downward.
As he was about to plunge it into Charlton's chest Finley came out of nowhere. He tackled
Handsome Sam to the ground and held him down. Since Finley practically a duplicate of Handsome
Sam the two were evenly matched in strength.
"Argh, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" said Handsome Sam.
"You made me in your image," said Finley. "Should we not share the glory together?"
"Get off of me," said Handsome Sam, "or I will destroy you."
But Finley only held Handsome Sam tighter.

Meanwhile, Charlton had mustered the strength to get up. He hobbled into the confessional,
took in a deep, long breath, and looked down at the Handsome Bomb by the kneeler. He didn't know
what to do with this WMD. There was no way he could get it away from Handsome Sam and he
couldn't destroy it.
The only option would be to disarm it. But how? Charlton lifted a cover on the bomb, revealing
a set of coloured wires, and timer. According to the timer the bomb was set to go off in exactly 5
minutes.
"Aw, fuck me," said Charlton.
As Charlton put his face into his hands, in a moment of despair, a voice was heard.
"Charlton," said the voice. "Are you there? Are you there?"
Charlton found the source of the voice. It was coming from his super hero suit, which had a
built in communicator on its wrist. Charlton lifted his arm to his face.
"Hello?" he said.
"Charlton," said Tanaka. "I just called to say I love you."
"Wut?" said Charlton.
"Just joking," said Tanaka. "I'm only checking up on you. How's everything holding up?"
"What do you know about disarming bombs?" said Charlton.
"Cut the red wire," said Tanaka. "It's always the red wire."
"Are you sure?" said Charlton.
"I 'Googled it,'" said Tanaka. "What more do you want?"
"I need help," said Charlton.
"Where are you?" said Tanaka.
"Rob Ford High," said Charlton.
"Again?" said Tanaka. "I thought he was dead."
"The school," said Charlton. "I'm at the school."
"Okay," said Tanaka, "don't worry. I'm on my way. I'll meet you on the rooftop. Capiche?"
"Er? Yeah, capiche," said Charlton.
"Over and out," said Tanaka.
Then Charlton turned his attention back towards the bomb. He looked at the wires of which
there four different colours: red, yellow, blue, and green. He sweated thinking whether to take Tanaka's
advice. He took out a pair of pliers and hovered them over the red wire. As he was trying to come to a
decision he heard the approaching footsteps of Handsome Sam.
Charlton couldn't stand the pressure. He took out a quarter and told himself: "Heads, I cut the
red wire. Tails, I cut another wire at random."
And he flipped the coin and it landed on heads.
"Guess it's the red wire," said Charlton, and at the very moment Handsome Sam opened the
door to the confessional, he cut the red wire to the bomb.
Chapter 46: Life Is Scary, Confusing, And Painful
The Handsome Bomb exploded, and sent a blast of searing energy into the air, so powerful it pierced
through every floor above, and created a cylindrical void going all the way to the roof. Charlton, who
was knocked back, looked ahead, and saw a swarm of blackness. These were the nanorobots, which
were to invade the cells of every person they saw in order to transform them each into a Handsome
Sam.
Now there was nothing Charlton could do to stop them. Handsome Sam indulging in his victory
laughed. "Mwah-ha-ha-ha! The final solution is beginning!" And the nanorobots flew off, and spread
throughout the school, or what remained of it, and infected every single student, and every single
teacher.

In what seemed too short time all the people in Rob Ford High looked just like Handsome Sam
-- except for Charlton.
Handsome Sam stared at Charlton.
"What's going on?" said Handsome Sam. "Why aren't you changing?"
Charlton touched himself. "I don't know."
The fact of the matter was, since Charlton was a vegetarian, he was unintentionally immune to
these nanorobots. His low amount of protein and lack of amino acids did not allow the nanorobots to
thrive within his body. When they entered his body they simply died off. They did not have enough
sustenance to provide them with power.
"Forget it," said Handsome Sam. "I'll finish you off myself...or maybe I'll recruit some help?"
Then Handsome Sam whistled and hoard of students who bore his exact resemblance appeared.
They all crowded behind and snarled. There were it seemed hundreds of Handsome Sams.
"Aw, screw this," said Charlton. "I'm outta here."
He reached behind his back and took out a grappling gun.
"Waaait a minute," said Handsome Sam. "You never had that before."
"I found it in the confessional," said Charlton.
And he shot the grappling gun towards the sky, and a hook with a line carried him upward, and
took him straight to the rooftop, which was only half there on account of the airship previously
crashing into the school.
Charlton looked down the hole at Handsome Sam and his minions.
"Ha-ha," he laughed. "Try and get me now."
Handsome Sam and his minions put up a ladder.
"Crap," said Charlton.
Then he ran off and went to the edge of the half-broken roof. What was below was the
depressed wreckage of the airship that shortly after collapsed from the impact of its own crash. This
was where Tanaka said he would meet with Charlton.
"Where is that Goddamned Tanaka?" Charlton thought aloud, while having a sweat."He told me
he would be here -- !"
After Charlton voiced his concerns there was a cacophony of marching. He turned around, and
saw across from him was Handsome Sam and his minions: all the students transformed into Handsome
Sam via the Handsome Bomb. It was a lot like Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, but
(naturally) much better.
"Where you going?" said Handsome Sam. "Don't you wanna come out and play?"
Handsome Sam and his others steadily advanced towards Charlton. Step by step, until there was
nowhere to run. Charlton found himself surrounded by the hundreds and hundreds of Handsome Sams,
who were all too eager to rip him limb from limb. Yet he kept his cool.
"I'm sorry," said Charlton. "But I have better things to do."
And in the blink of an eye he did a 180 and leapt off the edge of the roof. At the exact moment
he did so a helicopter, being piloted by Tanaka, rose up, and caught him inside its cabin.
"Damnit," said Handsome Sam, "I knew that helicopter noise was coming from somewhere."
"Tanaka," said Charlton, inside the helicopter, "can't believe you came. You are a Japanese
badass. You're Japanese and your ass is bad."
"Where are the others?" said Tanaka.
"I'm sorry," said Charlton, "They didn't make it."
Tanaka sighed.
"Come on, we have to get out of here," said Charlton. "Handsome Sam and his army of clones
is after me."
"Hey, no rush," said Tanaka, "we're in a helicopter. Those assholes can't reach us."
Tanaka flew the helicopter up and hovered over the school. Charlton stuck out his head and took

a look down. Handsome Sam was flipping him off. Charlton returned the gesture.
It was, however, a mistake to linger as something pernicious was happening below. The
Handsome Sams were rapidly assembling themselves into a human tower, and they reached out and
grabbed the bars (landing skids) at the bottom of the helicopter.
"We have to go higher," Charlton said to Tanaka.
Tanaka tried, but couldn't do so. He strained the controls of helicopter. There wasn't enough
power.
"We're carrying too much weight," he said. "What's going on back there?"
One of the Handsome Sams tried climbing inside. Charlton gave it shoved it outside.
"Come on," said Charlton. "Get this thing moving!"
"I'm trying, I'm trying!" said Tanaka.
Tanaka twisted the helicopter's throttle, giving it more thrust. That seemed to do the trick. The
helicopter broke away, and began flying off, but was still bogged down by all of the Handsome Sams,
who clung to the underside like barnacles.
This made the helicopter to fly with diminished capabilities and its blades were doing all they
could to fight against gravity.
"Can't this thing go any faster?" said Charlton.
"Giving it all I've got," said Tanaka.
Charlton looked out and saw something peculiar. All the Handsome Sams, who were not affixed
to the helicopter, were assembling themselves into a singular being. Like Legos, they locked all their
bodies together, and then formed one giant Handsome Sam.
This 100 foot tall monster began chasing the helicopter at an astounding speed. Charlton turned
his head to Tanaka.
"What is it?" said Tanaka.
"We're being chased," said Charlton, with a gulp, "by a giant Handsome Sam."
Tanaka looked and saw the giant, the giant that was made out of hundreds upon hundreds of
Handsome Sams. It was a nightmare come to life...or a really bad B-movie.
"Master Tanaka," said Charlton, "do you have any weapons?"
Tanaka threw Charlton a briefcase.
"Look inside," said Tanaka. "You'll find what you need."
Charlton popped open the briefcase. There was a silver gun and a whack of bullets.
"But I don't know how to use a gun," said Charlton. "I'm Canadian."
"You have no choice," said Tanaka. "Just...think of it like a video game!"
And so Charlton took the silver gun and faced his nemesis. When the giant Handsome Sam
came close he began firing: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
The constituents that made up the giant Handsome Sam were shot and wounded. They began
falling away, but as luck would have it the gnarly beast kept rebuilding itself. While it ran a rampage
through the streets, crushing cars, and various objects, it would pick people up, absorb them, and
transform them each into a Handsome Sam.
"It's not working," said Charlton.
Tanaka meanwhile was dealing with his own issues of an overburdened helicopter. He kept
trying to give it lift but the weight it carried only allowed it to move laterally and forwards. He did a lot
of lateral movement as the giant Handsome Sam would fling random objects at the helicopter, of which
included its Handsome Sams.
One of them landed in the cabin of the helicopter. It lunged for Charlton. Charlton gave it a one-

two combination and then kicked it out.


"Get off my helicopter!" said Charlton and he fired off his gun.
But it wasn't enough. The giant Handsome Sam kept growing in size. Soon it was hundreds of
feet tall and was running even faster than before. The helicopter could hardly keep ahead.
"I hafta get those freaks off the bottom of the helicopter," said Charlton. "They're what's
weighing us down."
"Hurry it up," said Tanaka. "That thing is catching up to us -- and I don't have helicopter
insurance!"
"Ahhh, what should I do?" said Charlton.
Charlton strained his brain thinking of a plan. He breathed heavily, while sweating, staring out
the helicopter at the giant (now) 2,000 foot high, Handsome Sam. The monster was as large as a
skyscraper.
"Come on," said Tanaka, urging Charlton, "what're you waiting for?"
Then an idea arose from the ether. Charlton spotted a rope laying to the side. He tied it around
his body, attached it to a seat in the helicopter, and jumped outside. He became suspended beneath the
belly of the helicopter, where a group of Handsome Sams were clinging to the landing skids.
Immediately they snarled upon seeing Charlton. Charlton used his gun and began blasting them
back to hell.
"Die!" he yelled, while shooting. "Die!"
Shortly after, the clones, filled with numerous holes, fell off to the ground. At this point the
helicopter, unencumbered with extra weight, began rising, and picking up in speed.
"You did it!" Tanaka exclaimed.
Meanwhile, rope affixed to his torso, Charlton stayed suspended at the bottom of the helicopter.
He turned his eyes toward the monstrous, giant Handsome Sam. When he pulled the trigger on his gun
nothing happened. He was out of ammunition.
Not only that, but he was out of luck. The giant Handsome Sam swung its arm out and hit the
tail end of the helicopter. The helicopter went out of control, spinning, rolling, and then, finally,
crashing. It landed bang in the middle of a busy street.
All the cars around stopped and honked their horns. One guy leaned his head out his window
and screamed expletives about having to get to the dentist on time; otherwise there would be a fee for
being late.
"What is this?" he yelled. "Move your asses!"
And then the giant Handsome Sam stepped on his car. Seeing this, every driver on the road
panicked, and ran out of their vehicles. While the giant Handsome Sam went around squashing more
cars, Charlton was in the helicopter's wreck wreck with Tanaka, who was clinging to life.
Charlton unbuckled his seat belt, and tried getting him out, but Tanaka pushed him away with
what remained of his strength.
"Stop," said Tanaka. "Leave me here."
"I can't leave you here," said Charlton. "That -- that thing's after us!"
"Let me rest in peace," said Tanaka. His eyes closed ever so slightly. "I'm tired."
"What are you talking about?" said Charlton.
Tanaka coughed: Cough, cough!
"I am dying," said Tanaka. "There's no point in trying to rescue me. I'm beyond repair."
Tanaka moved his hand off his chest. There was a huge shard of glass embedded in his chest.
"Avenge my death," said Tanaka.
"I, I, I, I can't," said Charlton, trembling at seeing Tanaka dying. "I can't do it without you."
"You can," said Tanaka. "If you kill Handsome Sam -- the original Handsome Sam -- the rest
will fall. He is the mother brain."
"But which one is the original Handsome Sam?" said Charlton.

Tanaka could barely speak.


"Use his vanity against him," he sputtered.
"How?" said Charlton.
But Tanaka did not reply. It was at this very moment he died.
Charlton held back his tears.
After he yelled"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he jumped out of the wreckage of the helicopter.
The second he left it exploded and hurled him onto the road. Charlton got up and tilted back his head,
staring up at the giant Handsome Sam, the monster that was made of many more monsters. He was
determined to defeat it, even though he was bleeding both on the outside, and the inside.
"Handsome Sam!" he said, pointing skyward. "Come down and fight me like a man! Stop
hiding behind your clones, you yellow-bellied coward!"
The giant Handsome Sam tilted its head down, looked, pulled back its foot, and then kicked
Charlton straight through the window of a pretentious cafe.
Surrounded by glass, Charlton laid on the floor. He couldn't move. He could hardly breathe. He
stared up at the giant Handsome Sam, going around destroying the city as it pleased. At this point the
monster didn't even care about Charlton. To the monster Charlton was nothing but an ant. Charlton,
however, disagreed.
"Come on," he told himself. "You have to get up."
"I can't," said the other voice in Charlton's head. "I wanna go to bed and sleep."
"GET UP," said Charlton. "Don't give in. You can't let the bad guys win. Fight it -- FIGHT IT,
MAN!"
Somehow Charlton gathered his spirits and rose to his feet. He shook his head to get rid of his
split vision. He looked around to see if everyone was okay. The only customer in the cafe was a man
dressed in a trilby. The man in the trilby had a camera and was taking a picture of his fancy coffee.
That gave Charlton an idea.
"Excuse me," said Charlton, "may I use your hat and camera?"
"What for?" said the man in the trilby. "I'm taking pictures of my drink. This is very important
for my blog."
"Aw, c'mon," said Charlton. "I'll give everything back."
"Oh, I didn't know you just wanted to borrow my things," said the man in the trilby. "Well then,
enjoy yourself."
The man in the trilby gave Charlton his hat and camera. Charlton put the hat on his head and
placed the camera on his neck. He ran outside, into the streets, where the giant Handsome Sam was
wreaking havoc, and/or making all hell break loose.
"I hope this works," said Charlton, and he ran into a building, went up several sets of stairs, and
made his way onto a balcony, which was half broken, crumbling from the chaos.
Charlton waved to the giant Handsome Sam and yelled to get his attention. The giant Handsome
Sam paid him no mind, busy with its bashing, and general smashing.
"How do I get its attention?" said Charlton. He then yelled, "Look! An interracial couple
holding hands!"
The giant Handsome Sam paused and turned around. It looked at Charlton, who was stood with
the camera he had borrowed.
"Hi!" said Charlton. "How do you do? I'm a photographer for a newspaper. Could I take your
photograph?"
Flattered, the giant Handsome Sam put its hands on its hips and angled its head for a heroic
pose. Charlton looked through the viewfinder of his camera, like he was waiting for something to
happen. Not a moment later the belly of the giant Handsome Sam opened up, like a flower blooming,
and out crawled (the original) Handsome Sam.
"Wait," said Handsome Sam. "I want this to look proper."

And he crawled over his clones and stood at the very top of his monstrous creation, so that he
would literally be seen above everyone else.
"Okay," said Handsome Sam. "I'm ready for my close up."
"Sorry," said Charlton. "I can't seem to get a good shot of you. Can you come a bit closer?"
Handsome Sam stepped ahead. "Is this alright?"
"No," said Charlton. "Closer. I want to really see your face."
"Like this?" said Handsome Sam.
"Closer," said Charlton.
"Here?" said Handsome Sam.
"No, closer," said Charlton. "Closer. CLOSER. CLOSER! CLOSER!!!!!"
Handsome Sam kept adjusting his position as Charlton beckoned him, and then it so happened,
he lost his balance, and fell. Handsome Sam dropped off the giant, mishmashed version of himself, and
got an express, one way ticket straight to the ground. When his body collided with the asphalt there was
a plume of dust.
The giant Handsome Sam looked down as if it were lost or confused, as if it had lost its master.
It stood still unsure what to do. Charlton took this opportunity to leap off the balcony and check on
Handsome Sam. He looked at his body, laying there still.
Charlton sighed: "Good riddance."
But suddenly Handsome Sam opened his eyes, rose up, and grabbed Charlton by the throat. He
pushed him back and Charlton went "urk! urk!" gasping for air. Handsome Sam then swung his fists at
Charlton. Charlton dodged each of the several attacks.
"I'm going to destroy you!" said Handsome Sam.
"You can try," said Charlton.
Handsome Sam ripped open his jacket revealing a set of explosives strapped to his chest.
Laughing manically, he took out a remote, and clicked a red button. Charlton seeing this dove over a
car and took shelter.
A moment after there was a ripping explosion. Handsome Sam's bomb went off and he was
exploded into millions of pieces. Charlton looked over the car which he was behind. He looked up and
saw that the giant Handsome Sam was falling apart, crumbling back into individuals, rather than
staying one monstrous being.
Soon there was a pile of Handsome Sam clones laid all over the asphalt. As Charlton stared
almost instantaneously they all started changing back into their former selves. The Handsome Sams
became regular, high school kids, each with their own separate, distinct identities. They were once
again human.
Charlton got up and walked over to everyone laying on the floor. He stood still, tired, and
exhausted. But then he smiled when he saw his friends: Lilian, Alvie, Manny, and Finley. They were
alive and well.
Chapter 47: A King's Welcome
All charges against Charlton, Lilian, Alvie, Manny, and Finley were dropped. Their names were cleared
of any wrong doing and they were rewarded for saving Canada. When they returned to school in the
morning they were given a king's welcome. Everyone it seemed was there to greet them and they lifted
the five outcasts onto their shoulders in celebration.
"I could get used to this," Charlton was heard saying with a grin.
THE END
Epilogue: Cheaters Never Win

Principal Scooter was fired from his job and taken to prison for providing false evidence against
Charlton and the others in the case of the school fire. Shortly afterward his wife filed for divorce upon
hearing about his affair. During his time behind bars he was quickly made into someone's bitch -- and
he enjoyed it.

bookoutlet184swt

Character Sheet:
The fancy Canadian city everyone is living in -> Montenegro
Judge Unfair - "a manly looking woman, with a short haircut, and a pointed nose, adjusted her glasses
and looked down."
Vinny Boyardee - Cousin to Alvie's lawyer
Master Takara - Small, Japanese, Martial arts master, with goatee. Has has house on lake Sludge in the
town of Smallington. Lake was polluted by Handsome Sam. Used to work as a scientist in the
Canadian military in Vancouver.
Saint Rogers High School - The school they all attend. Blue and orange lockers.
Emicola - Charlton's lover. Name a combination of Emily and Coca-Cola, her dad's fav drink.
Dong - Chief of Police. Shiny, baldy, aubergine shaped head. Friends with Principal Scooter. A total
cunt. From Quebec. Like poutine. Says he's an asshole but not a monster, and believes everyone
deserves poutine and Tim Hortons.
Secretary Beebs - Over 250 pounds, Over 40 years old, turns on Principal Scooter, saving herself for
Justin Timberlake
Principal Scooter - Has a pedophile moustache. Cheated on his wife with hooker. Has kids. Crusader of
saving yourself for marriage. Like saying "holy mighty fuckballs." Saved himself for marriage. That's
why he's cheating. Kind of a dick, but not always.
Miss Lynch - The Irish drama teacher. Cheating on her taxes. Blonde, blue eyes.
Mr. Stanley - Math teacher, who looks like Luigi from Super Mario.
Miss Pumpernickel - 35 years old. Mean librarian with cat glasses, and short grey hair.
Jones - The redheaded, spiky haired kid, with the sleeveless skull t-shirt. Freckles. A real ginger.
Sometimes smart/observant. Mostly a brat.
Finley Sharpe - the autistic kid, who likes to play with matches, is a ginger, atheistic. big glasses. has
trouble controlling the volume of his voice. stutterers. laughs like 'yee-he-he!' Likes Jesus. Repeats a
lot. Virgin. Hates needles.
Charlton Saintcloud - The transmale, vegetarian, animal lover, environmentalist. Sensitive but not a
pushover (15 years old) [fe to ma], An A + student, wants to leave, and go to Toronto, greatly admires
Oscar Wilde. Can tell if someone is lying. Likes books. Weak stomach. Has a fairly clean life style.
Straight edge. Has a diary.
Alter-ego: Kaptain Krayzee (red)
Manny Morowitz - Smart talking, streetwise dwarf, tough, reckless, head strong, wants respect.
Comes from a rich family. Ethical omnivore. Claustrophobic. Says "oy." Virgin. But very interested in
the sex. Has slutty sister. Bit cocky. Sometimes run his mouth too much. Can shit on

command/demand. Likes fried foods, Scotland. Drops his G's sometimes (accent). A bit silly. Not
always intelligent but tries. Uses instinct a lot. Likes Mexico and Scotland. Into literature, Shakespeare.
Alter-ego: The Nutpuncher (Black) A jokester. Flashlight guy! Prone to saying 'wow.'
Tarmul - The big, dumb bully from Texas, 18 years old and in the 10th grade. Has a crew. Has a dog.
Right hand man to handsome sam. Becomes like Bane.
Lumrat - Tarmul's large, tattooed dad, who is sentenced to time in prison.
Alvie McBride - The genius Albino, has a bit of a sick, gross sense of humor, wants to become a
famous scientist, and make a cool invention. Asexual but is somehow a little perverted. Owns a
Smutware Empire. Is a Catholic Atheist. Likes Sweets. Someone what socially inept. Likes TV. Has
friendly rivalry with Manny; they get along. Not a friend to animals. Saving himself for marriage. Is
rich. Carries around gadgets (e.g. tiny motorized saw). Was bullied by school bus driver and teacher on
school bus. That's why he hates 'wheels on the bus.' Not the outdoors type. STEM focused.
Alter-ego: Doctor Kickass (Yellow) Grandfather smells like whiskey and cigars. Likes classical music,
jazz, oldies, mellow stuff.
Lilian Starr - A black, gay, sporty girl, with robotic limbs. Arrogant, in therapy, physical, but deep
down caring, wants to be famous. Disassociates herself from the others. Dislikes Catcher in the Rye.
Somewhat of a loner, but also wants to be a part of a team/a group. Tough as frozen nuts. Feminist. Can
fight. Like everyone else, a bit sexually naive. Started going to therapy after losing her limbs. Lost her
limbs in Spain when kidnappers cut them off. Kind of a bitch. Snores.
Alter-ego: Princess Syborg (White)
Lance and Marguerite Saintcloud - Lancy is a crazy, gun toting, Canadian redneck, working for a big
oil company. Margeurite isn't completely sane, but has some sort of sanity. She is a caring person,
although a bit naive. She is small, delicate, petite. Opposite of Lance, who is strong, and strapping.
Uncle Herman - Morbidly obese, from America, rides around on a mobility scooter. Uncle to
Marguerite.
Handsome Sam - Our villain. Wants everyone to be good looking, blonde and blue eyed. He wants to
use a nano-bomb (aka Handsome Bomb) to make everyone look alike, and think alike. Chinese. Black
belt in Judo, and several other martial arts. Thinks he's a samurai. Has ninjas working for him. Calls
himself the Poundstretcher. Has an office in the forest. Doesn't like shitting in public toilets. A
computer whiz. Kinda smart. He never or rarely frowns, because he wants to stay wrinkle free. Says
"gah" when frustrated. Has a mom. Doctors said he'd die when he was three, but he proved them
wrong. Hearing the story made him think he was special, and gave him confidence to pursue his plans.
He's always been evil. When he was 5 he pushed his bro into a pool, and watched him drown.
Extremely arrogant. Listens to Jazz, mellow tunes. Family owns a restaurant. Is moderator on several
websites. Dreams about being a mermaid. Has a diary. Used to go to Rob Ford High. Banning of peanut
butter pushed him over the edge.
Rosemary Chan - She had long, black, curly hair, and a nose too huge for her face. She was also quite
fat. Guards the secretive chamber. In love with Handsome Sam. Nasally voice. Fat. Stutters. Shallow.

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