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SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG

1. You say 'mate' constantly.


2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over 3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.
. Anyone from outside London and north of the !atford "ap is a
'#orthern $onkey'.
%. You have no idea where the #orth is.
&. You see All 'aints in the $et (ar )a*ain+ and find it hard to *et e,cited
a-out it.
.. /he countryside makes you nervous.
0. 'ome-ody speaks to you on the tu-e and you freak out thinkin* they
are a stalker.
1. American tourists no lon*er annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. 2"od3 it was really warm round '!1 the
other day2.
11. You can't remem-er the last time you *ot up to 30 mph in your car
in the city.
12. You didn't realise that '4addin*ton "reen' is 56AL.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1. You *o mad when some-ody who is not from $anchester says 'mad fer it'3
2#o-ody says that 676582 you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when -ack in $anchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
. You support $an 9ity out of principle.
%. You see 9oronation 'treet stars all the time and think nothin* of it.
&. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your
head in at a footie match.
.. You *et a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
0. You deny that it rains all the time3 as you stru**le home with the shoppin*
in yet another torrential downpour.
1. You won't pay more than 1.%0 for a wrap of ska*.
10. 4eople start yawnin* when you talk a-out how *reat $anchester is.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an ur*e to steal.
2. You think (rookside is a '*lamorous' soap.
3. You think :ollyoaks is 'posh'.
. You keep *oin* on a-out how *reat Liverpool and 'cousers are.
%. /o you3 or*anised crime is puttin* petrol in the *etaway car.
&. You start to cry when you hear ';erry cross the $ersey'.
.. You think anyone from Liverpool has a *reat sense of humour.
0. You often wonder why you don't hear of many 'couse comedians any more.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. '<'m no *oin' there3 like3 it's pish'.
. You think $c6wans -eer is *reat3 i*norin* the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.
%. You *et an ur*e to punch every-ody you meet.
&. You punch every-ody you meet.
.. You *et drunk -efore3 after and durin* punchin* every-ody you meet.
0. You are incomprehensi-le.
1. 4eople seem to -e scared of you when you say where you are from.
10.You automatically *et the ur*e to kill on hearin* the words '6din-ur*h'
or '6n*land'.
11. You have heart disease a*ed 2& due to all deep=fried pi>>as you
have consumed since -irth.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LEEDS TOO LONG
1. You are unaware of any other clu- culture e,cept Leeds.
2. You *et secretly e,cited when people say Leeds is the new -i* thin*.
3. You fool yourself into thinkin* you can afford to shop at :arvey #icks -y
*oin* to the restaurant and orderin* a water and takin* five hours to drink it.
. Ladies? you dress like a tart out of <-i>a @ncovered for a ni*ht out.
%. "ents? you act like a wanker from <-i>a @ncovered for a ni*ht out.
&. You'll *o into a desi*ner shop at the start of the new season and ask how
much somethin* will -e in the end of season sale.
.. You *o around :arvey #icks to see what's in fashion3 then run over to /op'hop
and -uy somethin* similar = and then lie a-out where you *ot it from.
0. You see Leeds @nited players -eatin* someone upAsha**in* a -londe in $aBestyk
and don't think anythin* of it.
1. You think Londoners are ponces and that London is 'crap'3 -ut you've never
-een there as you can't afford the fare3 and mum won't let you -orrow the mini.
10. You hate students = even thou*h you are one.
11. Leeds is the centre of your universe = you can't ever ima*ine leavin*.
@ntil you leave3 then you can't ever ima*ine *oin* -ack.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say 2<'m "rand2 all the time.
2. You drink of "uinness as if it is the si,th food *roup.
3. You disa*reed with 2. = "uinness is the ;<5'/ food *roup.
. You're pale and white ... yet compared to others your suntan looks *ood.
%. You say 2Are you "rand C2 all the time.
&. You say 2<sn't it *rand2 all the time.
.. You say 2/hat'd -e *rand2 all the time.
0. You can pronounce names like 6o*han3 #iamh and 'io-han.
1. You take hours to *et home on a 'aturday ni*ht and think nothin* of it.
10. You don't eat anythin* cold3 uncooked or not resem-lin* meat3 -read
or potatoes.
11. You say 2Your man2 all the time.
12. You say 2Your woman2 all the time.
13. You say 2<t's *rand that your man asked if <'m *rand2 all the time.
1. You find yourself still livin* with family and havin* dinners
cooked for you -y someone's mammy = at 30.
1%. You talk a-out 'dinners' and 'mammys'.
ALI G NURSERY RHYMES
Old mother hubbard,
Went to da cupboard,
To et her old do a bone!
When "he bent o#er,
Ro#er too$ o#er,
And a#e da b%tch a bone o& h%" o'n!
L%ttle bo( blue!!!!!!,
He needed da mone(!
)ere 'a" an old lad( oo l%#ed %n a "hoe!
She ad "o man( $%d"
Her uteru" &ell out, %nn%t!
*eter, peter, pump$%n eater,
Had a '%&e,
L%$ed to beat her,
Sac$ed her t'%ce around da head, +,,,,, her a"", )en
'ent to bed!
Old mother oo"e,
Yeah, I -ad her
.ac$ and .%ll 'ent up da h%ll
Each '%th a dollar and a /uarter
.%ll came do'n '%th t'o dollar" 0&t(, )a d%rt( hoe!
Mar(, Mar(, /u%te contrar(,
Tr%m that p,""(,
It-" too damn ha%r(!
1%,ch!
L%ttle M%"" Mu2et,
Sat on a tu2et,
Eat%n her curd" and 'he(!
Alon came a "p%der, and "at do'n be"%de her, And "a%d,
he(, 'hat-" %n
da bo'l b%,ch3
Humpt( )umpt( "at on a 'all,
Humpt( )umpt( had a b% &all,
All da $%n-" hor"e" and all da $%n-" men, Sa%d, Ser#ed
(ou r%ht (ou &at &,,$er! Inn%t!

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