Mating In Captivity: Reconciling Intimacy and Sexuality

Esther Perel MA. LMFT

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Email: estherperel@me.com website: www.estherperel.com


To probe the nature of erotic desire in long term relationships
To explore the cultural forces that shape domesticated sex
To take on the Gordian knot of sexuality and intimacy
To explore the obstacles and anxieties that arise when our pursuit of security
and stability clashes with our quest for passion and adventure
Present a nuanced, relative and multicultural understanding of the differing
definitions of love, marriage, and sexual behaviours.



The flame is the most subtle part of fire, moving upwards and raising itself
above in the shape of a pyramid. The original primordial fire of eroticism is sexuality;
it raises the red flame of eroticism, which in turn raises and feeds another flame,
tremulous and blue. It is the flame of love and eroticism. The double flame of life.
Octavio Paz, The Double Flame









*Why does great sex so often fade for couples that love each other as much as ever?
*Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?
*Why does the transition to parenthood spell erotic disaster?
*Can we want what we already have?
*Why is the forbidden so erotic?
When we love how does it feel? and when we desire how is it different?


There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your hearts desire, the other is to gain it.
~George Bernard Shaw



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SOCIO-HISTORICAL BACKGROUND:
Our view of sexuality is time bound, linked to social, economic and scientific
developments:

SOCIAL:
The emergence of individualism and the concept of self; this brings with it
the intensification of existential separateness which leads to the
redefinition of intimacy

Intimacy is central in Western coupledom and is primarily a
communicative experience which relies on words to express ones inner
life to empathic, validating partner. The dominance of talk intimacy
reflects a feminisation of intimacy

The rise of romantic love leads to the sexualisation of love

The focus of sex from a procreative morality to a relational and
pleasurable experience. The focus shifts from sexual duty to sexual
pleasure

The rising emphasis on individual happiness. Erotic and sexual
satisfaction are seen as critical components of marital happiness.

Sexual rights, sexual equality and sexual identityfeminism, gay
movement.

Sexuality and sex-roles represent some of the most enduring features of a
society, and new sexual behaviours and choices can be acts of powerful
rebellion against the dominant culture.

Today in the West, we are engaged in a grand experiment. For the first time in history,
we no longer have sex to accrue a large family nor is it exclusively a female marital duty.
Sex in a long-term relationship is now solely rooted in desire.

ECONOMIC:

Industrialization; as the individual ceases to be primarily an economic
unit, sex is separated from its exclusive reproductive function. In the
family, sex shifts from an economic resource to an emotional resource.

SCIENTIFIC:
The democratization of contraception frees women from the fear of
pregnancy and death in childbirth; womans pleasure is unleashed.

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With the advent of contraception and artificial reproduction, sexuality is
no longer the sole property of the biological world, it is now socialized as
a property of the self.

It is a prime connecting feature between body, self-identity and social norms hence its
centrality in our lives, its connection to intimacy and its prominence as in the demise and
ensuing divorces of many couples. (Anthony Giddens: The Transformation of Intimacy)


CULTURAL TENSIONS

1- Between the egalitarian, puritanical ideals of fairness, compromise and equality of
couples therapy and the undemocratic and rebellious spirit of eroticism.
2- Between the cultural pressures that domesticate marital sex-- rationality, stability,
directness and responsibility -- and the indirect, suggestive, playful qualities that underlie
erotic excitement.
3- Between the graphic, explicit exposure of sex and the proliferation of pornography on
the one hand and the need for the hidden that is essential to erotic desire.
4- Between recognizing that some women desire erotic submission and the fear that it
will sanction male dominance elsewhere.



THE PARADOX OF INTIMACY AND SEXUALITY:



Reconciling passion and intimacy or the Erotic and the Domestic is about
bringing together two sets of fundamental human needs: the need for safety and
security with the need for adventure and novelty. (Stephen Mitchell)

Love and desire, they relate and they conflict.

Security Adventure

*Safety, reliability
*Permanence, grounding, anchoring
*Autonomy/Independence
*Love seeks closeness
*Minimize the threat, contract the
distance
*Know the beloved
*We seek predictability


*Novelty, mystery, unexpected,
discovery, transcendence, risk, quest for
unknown
*Freedom
*Desire needs space
*Difference, otherness
*Fire needs air
*Passion and uncertainty

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We seek to balance separateness and connection starting in childhood and into our
adulthood.
Attachment is a precondition for independence, and separateness is a precondition
for connection.

For some, love and desire are inseparable, for others, they are irretrievably
disconnected.

Passion is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty we can tolerate.

Partners need to negotiate their dual needs for safety and stability with their wish
for what is exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.



If it is the forbidden that is exciting, if desire is fundamentally transgressive, then the
monogamists are like the very rich; they have to find their poverty, they have to starve
themselves enough, in other words they have to work if only to keep what is always to
available, sufficiently illicit to be interesting. ~Adam Philips, Monogamy



SEXUALITY AND EROTICISM:

Sexuality Eroticism


Is the primordial force

It is rooted in nature; all animals
have sexuality

Has only limited possibilities

Is inseparable from its
reproductive function

We are born sensuous, we
become erotic



Eroticism is a metaphor of
sexuality
It is sexuality transformed and
socialized by the human
imagination
Pleasure is an end in itself
The most important agent of the
erotic act = imagination
Eroticism is always plural
You dont need the act of sex to
have the erotic experience,
though sex is often hinted at and
envisioned.
Eroticism is quality of aliveness
and vitality; it is not about
frequency and performance
It thrives on the forbidden, the
mysterious and the transgressive
ceremony, representation and
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ritual



The erotic landscape is vastly larger, richer, and more intricate than the
physiology of sex, or any repertoire of sexual techniques. If a sex can be a
collection of urges and acts, the erotic is a receptacle of our hopes, fears,
expectations and struggles.

Eroticism is energized by our entire human experience including unruly impulses
and painful memories.

The erotic mind is layered with early childhood experiences of touch, play, or
trauma, which become cornerstones of our erotic life later.

Eroticism is not comfortable and near, it unveils inner struggles, emotional
tensions, a mix of attraction and fear, of excitement and anxiety, Desire can
emerge from positive experiences, but anxiety, guilt and anger also energize
desire.

Eroticism springs from the interplay between attractions and obstacles.


High states of arousal flow from the tension between persistent problems and
triumphant solutions. We are most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance,
uncertain, poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster.(Jack Morin)
--Jack Morin, The Erotic Mind


COMMON THERAPEUTIC VIEWS:

Sexual problems are the consequence of relational problems
If you fix the relationship the sex will follow
Intimacy begets sexuality
Talk is the avenue to closeness
Passion is meant to fade and to make room for a more tame but enduring form of
love
The myth of spontaneity
Fantasies that take us outside the relationship, deplete intimacy and are potential
betrayals
Porn use is bound to become problematic, there is no healthy use of Porn.





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ALTERNATIVE THERAPEUTIC CONSIDERATIONS:

Sexual problems are not always the result of relational problems. Fixing the
relationship may do little to improve the sex. Strengthening the mutuality caring
and companionate affection is not enough to generate erotic desire.
Sexuality is not a metaphor of the relationship. It is a parallel narrative, a story
unto its own. Sexuality and emotional intimacy are two separate languages.
Sex can illuminate whats wrong-- conflicts around intimacy and desireand it
can help heal destructive splits.
Good intimacy doesnt guarantee good sex.
There can be an inverse correlation between greater emotional intimacy and
decreased sexual desire.
What we seek emotionally isnt per se what excites us sexually.
Passion ebbs and flows
The importance of the language of the body
If passion is a fiction, so is reality.
Committed sex is not only spontaneous. It is willful and intentional.



At the start of therapy
Inquire about the sexual relationship of the couple as part of the initial interview.
Ask about the role of sex in the relationship and the degree of satisfaction of each
partner.
Be aware of questions pertaining to frequency or performance (How often do you
have sex? Does it work?)
Invert the usual therapeutic priorities, ask about their sexuality first. It will inform
you of the emotional relationship and how it manifests in the bedroom and it will
serve as a window into the self, the couple dynamics, and the family of origin
legacy.
Inquire about history of abuse and any medical conditions, pains or disabilities, or
any age related limitations.













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EROTIC BLUEPRINT: TELL ME HOW YOU WERE LOVED, ILL TELL YOU
HOW YOU MAKE LOVE


Our emotional history shapes our erotic blueprint and is expressed in the physicality of
sex.

Accordingly, there is a strong connection between our attachment map -defined as our
expectations, conflicts, hope and disillusionment with intimate connections- and our
sexual feelings and behaviors: Tell me how you were loved, and Ill tell you how you
make love.
-

All these experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves, and our expectations from others.
They are part of the dowry each man and woman brings to the unknown continent of
adult love.

We learn how to feel about our body, our gender, and our sexuality.
In our family, we sense when its okay to thrive and when others might be hurt by our
zest.

Part of this emotional scorecard is obvious, but much of it is unspoken, concealed even
from ourselves.






Where did I learn to love, and how?
Did I learn to experience pleasure or not?
Was pleasure celebrated, suspiciously tolerated or simply dismissed?
To trust others, or not?
To receive or be denied?
To dare or be afraid
Did my parents monitor my needs or was I expected to monitor theirs?
Did I turn to them for protection, or did I flee to protect myself?
Was I rejected? Humiliated? Abandoned? Held? Rocked? Soothed?
Did I learn not to expect too much? Was it okay to thrive?
Did I learn to hide when I was upset?
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ATTACHMENT AND EROTIC MAPS: PARADOXES OF EMOTIONAL
INTIMACY AND SEXUAL DESIRE.



It is important explore:
How attachment history influences the persons paradigmatic erotic style and how
they are reflected in his/her sexual behaviors
The respective fears of obliteration and abandonment for each partner.
The emotional intimacy which can generate the feeling of safety, which
intensifies sexual desire for some, but which can also create a fear of entrapment
and a fear of loss of self. They may experience an erotic withdrawal and have
difficulty sexualizing their partner.
The caring protective elements that foster love can block the freedom and
autonomy necessary for erotic pleasure
When love is burdensome, filled with responsibility, worry, and care, it
compromises ones need for space and separateness necessary for desire.
(Michael Bader)
Desire has non-loving feelings, (aggression, jealousy, control, guilt, power) that
can be hard to experience in the context of a loving committed relationship
The tension between familiarity and desire is such that some people replace
sensual love with comfort love.
When the emotional organization of the couple includes family projections it
hinders desire and can potentially render sex taboo.



The dialectic between the emotional and the erotic: Dynamics that are emotionally
challenging such as power, control, surrender, vulnerability and dependence can, when
eroticized, become highly desirable. What we seek emotionally may not excite us
sexually. But conversely, what we fear emotionally may be sexually desirable and
exciting.







Eroticism is the poetry of the body, the testimony of the senses. Like a poem, it is not
linear, it meanders and twists back on itself, shows us what we do not see with our eyes,
but in the eyes of our spirit. Eroticism reveals to us another world, inside the world. The
senses become servants of the imagination, and let us see the invisible and hear the
inaudible.
~Octavio Paz, The Double Flame

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EROTIC INTIMACY

Using sexuality to disclose core aspects of oneself (dependency, neediness,
vulnerability, aggression)
Self-confrontation and expression of ones eroticism to another person.
Combines generosity and self-centeredness, a double promise of mutuality and
selfishness.
Connect without the terror of obliteration and experience separateness without the
terror of abandonment.
The momentary oneness comes from our ability to acknowledge the indissoluble
separateness.
Erotic intimacy is a space where we can transcend the civility of emotional
connection and release our unruly impulses and primal appetites.


The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having
new eyes. ~Marcel Proust




THE LANGUAGE OF THE BODY: EXPLORING THE MULTIPLE MEANINGS
OF SEX AND INTIMACY
Is our original mother tongue.
Contains emotional truths that words can gloss over.
Is imprinted in the individuals history and the cultures admonitions.
Freedom for some, prison for others.
Should be granted its capacity for soothing and for communicating in its own
language.
We are born sensuous and we become erotic.




EROTIC IMAGINATION:
The freedom of our imagination unfolds in the sanctuary of our erotic mind.
Fantasy is a manifestation of autonomy, separateness and freedom.
Not all fantasies need to be shared.
Erotic couples respect each others erotic privacy, negotiating their way
between transparency and secrecy.
Fantasy is a combination of the collective imagination and the uniqueness of
our personal history
They create a safe space to experience pleasure by helping us to circumvent
the fears and obstacles to desire and intimacy.
Fantasies are not experiences we necessarily want to experience in reality.
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Can free us from moral, social and psychological constraints.
Too often fantasy seen as a temporary insanity of the beginning, immature
pleasures destined to fade under the rigors of the serious, responsible business
of marriage or commitment.
Deprived of imagination on the inside, some reinvent themselves on the
outside
To objectify is a way to emphasize the quality of the otherness and of the
person we desire, that he/she is outside ourselves. It also allows for an
experience of high intensity and low emotion.


WHO ARE EROTIC COUPLES?

1) Erotic couples cultivate a sexual frame that transcends passion, strong desire
or spontaneity.
2) Erotic couples nurture their original attractions, while cultivating new ones.
3) Erotic couples develop a repertoire of initiation rituals, availability signals, and
methods for declining.
4) When sexual problems arise, erotic couples remain engaged rather than
becoming discouraged or avoidant.
5) Erotic couples are energized by private sexual interests (whether they realize it
or not).
Jack Morin

THEORY OF DESIRE

Longing and anticipation: longing is more female long extended seduction
and circuitous paths to pleasure.
Violating prohibitions
The excitement of trespassing the cultural restrictions, the family
prohibitions and breaking rules. Where the restrictions are high, the
naughtiness factor is too. We can trample the restrictions even more so
in our fantasies than in reality. It releases us from social, moral and
pragmatic constraints when we revel in the unacceptable.
The very same taboos we believe in reality may be the ones we wish to
violate in our fantasies.
Transgressions, risking being discovered, sneaking, hiding, being naughty,
all these can create inhibitions, but can also be titillating.


If it is the forbidden that is exciting, if desire is fundamentally transgressive, then the
monogamists are like the very rich; they have to find their poverty, they have to starve
themselves enough, in other words they have to work if only to keep what is always too
available, sufficiently illicit to be interesting.
Adam Philips, Monogamy

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EROS AND POWER

Power, control and affirmation are all part of the erotic enigma; they live in the
shadow of desire.
A forceful partner demonstrates with his or her passion the value and
desirability of the one who submits. The submissive partner demonstrates
through his or her surrender the irresistible erotic powers of the aggressor.

Highly refined surrendering can give the powerless nearly total control.


THE PUZZLE OF PARADOXICAL EMOTIONS (based on Jack Morin)
Exuberancejoy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria.
Satisfactioncontentment, happiness, relaxation, and security.
Closenesslove, tenderness, affection, connection, oneness.
For some of us, comfort and arousal are incompatible, while for others it is
the necessary condition.
Dual-edge emotions can be powerful erotic enhances.
Anxietyfear, vulnerabilitys special alchemy of fear and desire.
GuiltRemorse, naughtiness
Angerhostility, resentment, and revenge. Anger creates separateness.
The Caring man may rely on his anger needs to muster assertiveness, it
helps people feel they deserve, get the strength to demand, claim injustice,
unfairness. It says pay attention to me, I want, I deserve, I am entitled too.

The pleasures of love are always in proportion to the fear.
Stendhal


SEX AND PARENTHOOD: WHEN THREE THREATENS TWO

Many couples trace the demise of their erotic life to the arrival of their first child.
Parenthood redefines safety and stability and launches a redistribution of
resources
New systemic configuration, division of roles, attending to the couple, attending
to the children in the family.
Current child centrality and sentimental idealizations create a situation for eros
redirected: (the erotic elements are invested in the children)
Re-creation of family de-eroticizes the couple
What eroticism thrives on is what family life defends against: comfort and
consistency vs. excitement and unpredictability
The importance of cultivating desire and not monitoring it.
Sex and motherhood
The fear that adult sexuality will damage the child.
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Its not the kids who extinguish the flame its the adults who fail to keep the
spark alive.
Good sex need real time rather than the crumbs of an over-scheduled life.



Questions to explore:

1. Tell me about pregnancy- was it wanted/unwanted by one/both of you? Did you
use artificial reproduction?

2. What was the experience of pregnancy like for you as a couple?

3. Have you had any abortions? When, how, and how do you look back at the
experience(s)?

4. How did you feel sexually during your pregnancy?

5. How was the birth? Did your birth include sexual sensations? Did you feel
womanly? Did you have an orgasm?

6. Did you nurse? How would you describe the experience? Was nursing sexually
arousing? How long has it been since you stopped nursing?

7. How have you felt sexually since you had your child(ren)?

8. Hormonal changes?


9. Has your sexual interest changed and are you interested in a different kind of
touch/sex now?

Exercise- body poster- draw and use markers to show where like/dont like to be
touched (red, yellow, green)

10. Do you see yourself as sexually available? Would you describe your situation as
problematic? How distressed are you by the lack of sex? How has it influenced
your relationship? Does your partner have a role in it?

11. How motivated are you to make changes?

Parenthood:

12. How would you describe your experience of parenthood and child rearing? On a
continuum between relaxed, preoccupied, and anxious, where do you see yourself?

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13. How dominant is the role of motherhood/fatherhood and have you been able to
maintain other roles in your life? How do you feel in these different roles?

14. Have you become full-time parents? Are you still partners/lovers/friends?

15. What are sleeping arrangements in your house? Doors open/shut? Lock?

16. What do you know about your moms sex life especially after you and your
siblings were born? What is the relationship between sex and motherhood in your
family? What were the family and cultural messages about sex and motherhood?

17. What does motherhood mean to you? Selfless, desexualized, cultural messages?

18. Relationship with husband? Is it helpful or a hindrance re: this issue?

19. Does your spouse/partner give you time to return to other parts of self? Does he
relieve you of the burdens of parenthood or are you responsible for all of it?

20. How is self care? Do you give energy to this?

21. When you have glimpses of self as sexual being again, what do you see?

22. Experiences of pleasure for self?


GENDER AND SEXUALITY

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The sexual uesiie of men is typically uesciibeu as uncomplicateu, a simple
biological foice eithei inuisciiminately seeking an outlet, oi impaiieu by
hoimonal ueficiency. Nen aie cieatuies of biology anu women aie cieatuies
of meaning.
Nacho view uepicts a laige, poweiful, untiiing, asseitive phallus attacheu to
a veiy cool male, long on self-contiol, expeiienceu, competent, anu
knowleugeable enough to make women ciazy with uesiie.
Common view: Nen aie moie fiequent, moie stable anu constant, less
ielational, less affecteu by moou, always inteiesteu in sex.
Even the noimally ieticent female is peiceiveu to be utteily poweiless anu
ieceptive when confionteu by puie macho sexuality.
Phallic powei is vieweu as easily coiiupteu into sexual uomination anu
violence.
Wishful fantasies aie often about uomination anu aggiession, but they aie
also about size, haiuness, enuuiance, skill, anu willing females.
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Bominance anu aggiession aie iepaiative themes that betiay anothei state of
affaiis a feai of sexual poweilessness, female unavailability, anu
iejection.
It is uifficult foi a man to ieally know whethei he is a goou lovei, anu men aie
often unable to accept such a compliment oi ieassuiance.
Depression and anxiety play a role in men as well sex as a mood regulator
Self esteem, self concept and self identity more linked to sexuality for men,
possibly more than in women.
Men are ashamed and fearful that they will not be able to perform, fear of
rejection by women
Portray male sexual desire as unthinking, insensitive, disgusting. High sex drive
associated with more base and primitive state.
Common aie fantasies of "the omni-available woman" anu "Lesbian" sex.
Cant do what I want with the woman I love desire as a dirty commodity.
He has been liberated form the old family role of protector and has been invited as
an emotional unit rather than a survival function.
The willingness to break rules and flout authority for personal gain, financial
reward and sexual satisfaction.
The ability to be fearless, invulnerable and in control at all times, particularly
when in the presence of others. (Michael Kimmel)
Although the male sex drive in much research appears to be hardier, it is indeed
impacted by social forces, relationships, and feelings of self-worth. (Meana)



SOME THOUGHTS ON DIFFERENCES IN HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES

If a woman has a problem with a relationship, for example, she'll go to a
girlfriend. Men are much more reluctant to go to a male friend and talk about
those things. They feel they have to keep up a certain facade of strength, and
the idea of looking for emotional help connotes weakness. (Bader)
Men have a primary attraction to beautiful women and unlimited sex. Women
have a primary attraction to marriage, wealth and power. Much of this
remains on a fantasy level, but it's been true throughout society.
Unlike women, men don't get the oxytocin reward that makes them feel
calm, secure, and confident when talking about emotions and the
complexities of relationships; testosterone, which men produce more of
during stress, seems to reduce the effect of oxytocin, while estrogen
enhances it.
The glue that keeps men (and males in social animal groups) bonded is the
instinct to protect. If you listen long enough to men talking about what it
means to love, you'll notice that loving is inextricably linked, for many
men, to some form of protection. If men can't feel successful at protecting,
they can't fully love.
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Male analog makes erroneous structural assumptions about womens
sexual desire and response. First, it assumes that sexual desire is a
spontaneous urge to engage in sexual activity. Second, it assumes linearity
in the sexual response, with desire as the starting point and orgasm as the
end point. Third, it ignores the relational context that envelopes sexual
interactions. Fourth, it ignores the socioeconomic and political forces that
might shape and inhibit the experience and expression of womens sexual
desire and behavior. (Meana)
We could nd ourselves caricaturizing both male and female sexual desire
with the former portrayed as an unshakable, appetitive drive with a near
exclusive penchant for novelty and anonymity, and the latter as a fragile
intra- psychic and interpersonal phenomenon requiring a delicate
calibration of love, intimacy, and multiple other prerequisites.
Women also report that neither sex, nor intercourse, nor orgasm are
necessarily the goal of sexual desire.
The large differences evidenced between mens and womens interest in
sex may be a function of differences in the propensity to feel desire, but
also in the value placed on the fullment of felt desire.
Mens sexual desire is conceptualized as more frequently spontaneous and
their sexual response as primarily linear. In contrast, womens desire is
conceptualized as, more often than not, responsive, and their sexual
response as circular Emotional intimacy is privileged as a central
reinforcer.
The research on sexual: womens fantasies have higher romantic-
emotional content than those of men, commonly report that relationship
factors are arousing. Among these are feeling desired, feeling accepted,
open communication, and intimacy.
Relationship factors are very important to womens sexual desire and
subjective arousal.
The way women feel about themselves is clearly emerging as an important
component of their sexuality, quite apart from how they feel about their
partners.
One could want sex without liking it that much (nonsexual reinforcers may
be driving the wanting), and one could like sex without wanting it very
often.
Relational connection is a necessary component of desire for most women.
Women don't simply move through phases of the sexual experience in the
same way most men do, first feeling desire, becoming aroused, reaching
orgasm and then relaxing in repose. For so many women, the impetus for
sex comes not from physiological desire, but from the desire to enhance
intimacy and relationship and in response to her lover's seduction. Body
desire flows once the woman is already aroused. She wants it when she's
having it. (Suzana Iasenza)
Although gender differences are an important and undeniable part of
sexual desire, gender similarities are arguable more ripe for the design of
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clinical interventions that can capitalize on what men and women share
rather than on what divides them when it comes to desire.
There is a substantial body of research indicating that women have sex for
many reasons unrelated to sexual desire. Most commonly reported
reasons were:
o to satisfy a partners needs
o to promote intimacy in the relationship
o to avoid rejecting a partner
o to avoid relationship conict
o the expression of love
o escalating the depth of the relationship
o curiosity or seeking new experiences
o marking a special occasion for celebration