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SMARTHINKING's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)

HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your
essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and
in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing SMARTHINKING's OWL;
best wishes with revising your paper!

Hi, Michelle, and welcome to Smarthinking.com! Thanks for using our services. My name is
Priscilla, and today I will be responding to your essay. After pointing out your strengths, I will
focus on ways to help with your writing.

*Strengths of the essay:

You include a lot of information in your essay, Michelle, which helps in the area of content.
However, I’m not sure if your paper follows the assignment very well. The main problem is
organization. Let’s work on that, okay?

*Michell 2579164 has requested that you respond to the Introduction/Conclusion:


Michelle, introductions serve three purposes – to get the attention of the audience, to provide
some background information on the topic, and to state the main point of the paper. Can you
think of a question or take a quote from the article to start the essay? Something that would
get the attention of your audience? Don’t refer to the assignment in your paper, such as “In
this review…” After you have a grabbig opening, you should include between three and five
sentences or so to state the argument(s) of the author of the article. Then, as your
assignment is supposed to be on evidence, you will need a thesis statement that deals with
that topic. (I’ll discuss thesis statements in the next section.)

Like introductions, conclusions serve three main purposes – to restate the main point of the
essay, to summarize the main ideas from the paper, and to end with a sentence or a question
that leaves an impression on the audience. This should be easier to revise once you have a
clear thesis statement and supporting topic sentences.

For information on introductions and/or conclusions, you can go to:

http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_18.cfm

Main Idea/Thesis:

As you may know, Michelle, a thesis statement should tell your audience the main topic of the
essay and do the following: make a claim that can be supported with evidence, hold the paper
together by stating the most important point of the essay, usually consist of one sentence, and
come at the end of the introduction. Your thesis statement also can set up the structure for
the essay. Because you are supposed to look at the author’s argument(s) and evidence, your
thesis statement might look something like this:
In the article “Mice are intelligent,” Smith (2002) convinces his audience that mice are smart
with facts and statistics,his own research, and personal stories from lab technicians. and

That thesis sets up an essay with three main paragraphs or sections – one on the facts and
stats, one on research, and one on personal stories. Do you see how that works?

What types of evidence did the author use in the article you read? Can you organize your
paper around those types and then use examples to illustrate if the author supported his
claims or failed to support his claims? For more ideas about thesis statements, you can
go to:

http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_06.cfm\

Organization:

Once you have a clear thesis statement, Michelle, you should consider working on the topic
sentences for your body paragraphs. The topic sentence (the first sentence in each
paragraph) should let your audience know the topic of the paragraph. Topic sentences should
be statements, not quotations or questions. For example, the topic sentences for your body
paragraphs or first paragraphs in each section might look like this:

1. In the article “Mice are Intelligent,” Smith (2002) uses facts and statistics to convince his
audience that mice are smart.
2. In addition to facts and statistics, Smith (2002) uses his own research to illustrate that
mice are smart.
3. Besides scientific data, Smith (2002) includes personal stories from lab technicians to show
that mice can think.

With that, the start of my conclusion might look like this:


In conclusion, with facts and statistics,his own research, and personal stories, Smith (2002)
convinces his audience that mice are intelligent animals.

*Michell 2579164 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:

I wouldn’t worry about grammar until you have an organized essay.

Summary of Next Steps:

When revising, Michelle, consider:


1. Revsiing the introduction and conclusion.
2. Writing a strong thesis statement for an evaluation.
3. Writing strong topic sentences.
4. Organizing information logically.
5. Taking out the informal “I” in your essay.

Good luck with the revisions, Michelle, and come back if you want additional help.

Thanks,
Priscilla

Find additional resources in SMARTHINKING's online library:

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in
SMARTHINKING's student handbooks. You can visit the SMARTHINKING Writer's
Handbook or the SMARTHINKING ESOL (English for speakers of other languages)
Writer's Handbook.

*******************************************************************
************

Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting
SMARTHINKING. We encourage you to submit future essays.

In this review, I will discus Guy Sorman’s article in The City Journal, spring 2007,
‘Empire of Lies’- the twenty -first century will not belong to China. [You will want a
stronger opening and to eliminate the use of the first person “I” in your essay.]
Sorman takes the reader into what he calls the ‘Real China‘. It is a provocative look into
the China, that for the reader, it would seem in many ways, is not only unwilling but also,
somewhat incapable, of seeing past the deeply imbedded Communist upbringing of the
past and present. [Your introduction should include a couple more lines of
background on the topic and then a strong thesis statement that sets up the
argument.]

As well as China’s economical status, Sorman delves into her moralistic and ethical
standing. He claims that the Communist Party authorities’ main concern is not for social
and economical development of its people, but that of power and control for the Party. It
gave me a chance to look into a culture that I seriously had little idea on. [Again, take
out personal opinions.] However, while I am yet to be completely convinced of
everything Sorman puts forward in this article, I am willing to concede that it has opened
my eyes greatly.

While one can not argue that China has its fair share of corruption within the Party, serve
exploitations of her subjects, massive pollution problems (1 China being the largest
emitter of greenhouse gases), unrest in rural countryside, just to name a few of the things
we hear everyday, in the news and other media, we must also acknowledge the progress
she has made.
[It seems as though from the assignment that you are supposed to evaluate the
evidence that the author uses to justify the arguments.]
2
China's economy, in the last 30 years, has gone from a ‘centrally planned system’ that

1 http://www.csmonitor.com/2007/0628/p12s01-wogi.html
Date accessed 1/12/09
2 https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/ch.html
Date accessed 10/12/09
was mostly closed to international trade to a more ‘market-oriented economy’ that is
growing rapidly in the private sector and now is among the major players in the ‘global
economy‘. Although one of Sormans subjects claim that many of
Chinas products are worthless, 3China exported $878 billion worth of goods between
January and September of 2007, up 27 percent from 2006, despite certain recalls of
products.

The 2008 Olympic Games saw China at its best, having Jacques Rogge, IOC president,
declaring the event a “truly exceptional Games”. It may have led to a long-term change in
environmental policy as well. However, economically speaking, 4‘impact of the Games
on Beijing and China as a whole is still unclear‘.

Outsiders have, and still do, see China as a threat in man ways. Although her apparent
social inadequacy’s seem to be her biggest downfall.
Take the 5‘Single Child Policy’, a smart introduction theoretically speaking. Introduced
by Deng Xiaoping in 1979 in a bid to slow China’s vastly over populated society.6 the
policy officially restricts the number of babies born to married urban couples. It
supposedly allows for certain ‘exemptions‘, including minorities, rural couples and
parents without siblings. Outwardly, it would seem that this policy has worked bringing
7
China’s fertility rate down to 1.7. However, at what cost?
[This essay is very confusing. A lot of times it’s not clear if these are your arguments
or the author’s arguments. You need strong organization for the body paragraphs.]
Sorman wrote about the tragedy in the city of Linyi and its surrounding rural area, where
in their thousands, women had been kidnapped and forced by family planning to abort
their babies, many in very late stages of pregnancy. And to China’s, apparent preference,
to baby boys leading to the widely spread ‘female feticides and gender imbalance‘.
Statistics would also support this claim, as for 8every 131 boys born there is only about
100 girls. This preference is not a government standing policy and many of China’s
subjects believe that boys are in many ways far superior to females. Can you really blame
this on the government? I am not convinced that this is something you can entirely blame
on the Party, but more likely an upbringing. Chinese officials have discredited evidence
of any abuse regarding their ‘One Child’ policy and stand by it.

3 http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/13/business/worldbusiness/13trade.html
Date accessed 1/12/09
4 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Summer_Olympics
Date accessed 7/12/09
5 http://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htm
Date accessed 4/12/09
6 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-child_policy Date accessed 1/12/09
7 http://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htm
Date accessed 4/12/09
8 http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/encyclopaedia/hutchinson/m0012028.html
Date accessed 4/12/09
Sorman, 9who completed his PhD in 1964, from the Institute of Political Sciences, among
his long list of accolades, has travelled throughout China since 1967 and has been in
many places in China that few Westerners ever get to go. While he fails to put forward
any substantial evidence of his claims, we have to take into consideration his extensive
plight for the truth through the people he has interview. He has recorded the words and
silent thoughts of what he calls “exceptional” Chinese men and women. Those few that,
not only dream about, but also desperately need China to change. People like 75 year old
Madam Ding Zilin who fights for the victims of Tiananmen Square, who under China’s
then leader of the PRC, Deng Xiaoping’s instructions, where massacred because they
dared fight for democracy and the right to freedom, and those responsible to be accounted
for. Alternatively, the many thousands of AIDS sufferers imprisoned within their
villages, which not only go without government support but also basic medical supplies.

[Again, you need to make things clear for your audience. Also, are you supposed to
use footnotes?]
If we were to believe the statistics, that show China is indeed on the fast climb to
economical growth and social stability, it would be hard to deny that China is definitely a
front-runner to make claim to this century. Nevertheless, can we rely on everything the
Party tells us as outsiders? Is China as stable as it seems? Not just economically speaking
but moralistically speaking as well. Who gets to determine those answers? I would
assume the answers would lie deep within the people of China. We all know politicians
lie, this is not just a rumour, and it indeed is fact. So what makes the politicians of China
any different? For someone who honestly has very little understanding about the politics
of her own country, let alone that of China I am not willing to take sides on this particular
subject. I can however say that this reading has given me a lot to think about and I did
find it extremely interesting albeit somewhat disturbing.

9 http://www.clarehall.cam.ac.uk/index.php?id=222