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CASTING LIGHT by Floyd Henderson Copyright 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003
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CASTING LIGHT ON THE
DARK SIDE OF
RELATIONSHIPS

by
floyd henderson

Published by
Henderson Books

Copyright 2009, 2008, 2007
by
Floyd Henderson

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CASTING LIGHT
on the
Dark Side
of
Relationships

by

FLOYD HENDERSON
Henderson Books
Lake Conroe, TX


CASTING LIGHT
on the
Dark Side
of
Relationships

Copyright Floyd Henderson 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004

The rights of Floyd Henderson to be identified as the author of this work
have been asserted in accordance with the U.S. Copyright Office of the
United States. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in or introduced into any retrieval system, or transmitted
in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise) without the prior written consent of the author. Any
violation of the above, or any other illegal act regarding this copyrighted
publication, will be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for
damages.

Cover Photo
Ashley Henderson 2004

Please visit us at
www.FloydHenderson.com

Another sites with excellent resources:
www.MarieLachney.com


[62% will divorce]

The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and
the third for companionship.

---Jacqueline Kennedy

[38% will stay together until death]

She had never even entertained thoughts of any [other]
man, and her concept of love did not permit that she might.
Love incorporated fidelity. One gave promises, and one kept
them. One might occasionally be selfish, unreasonable, or ill-
tempered; one might be untidy or extravagant. But one did
not lie either in word or deed.

---Anne Perry


PART ONE
Light
and
Dark


A CONSIDERATION

Have you ever experienced the excitement of looking across a
room and having your eyes meet those of another and feeling an
immediate connection? Have you enjoyed the exhilaration that
followed as an exchange of words confirmed an emotional
connection as well? Have you ever known the elation that is felt
when the relationship surged forward and resulted in a physical
connection that exceeded in intensity any ever felt before? Have
you experienced the days and weeks of rapture that follow when
time apart is still dominated by the thoughts of your lover and
when you feel an incredible lightness inside during each moment
that your thoughts turn toward that person? Have you gone
through the long telephone conversations which allow more and
more bonding to occur as the two of need to hear the voice of the
other when you are apart? Do you recall a rise in esteem as you
perceive how very much another person longs for you and your
company and the sound of your voice?

Can you recall the talks that took place as you starred into the
eyes of each other, engaged in mutual discovery while sharing
hopes and dreams and philosophies? Didnt you also recount past
disappointments by way of making clear to this newest lover that
those behaviors must be avoided so that this new relationship and
its exhilarating passion might last forever? Can you sense even
now the high spirits of the phenomenal feeling of lightness as you
became convinced that you had found a soul-mate capable of
lifting from your heart all of the heaviness and darkness that was
a residual of past events? Have you surmounted your fears and
made a commitment, surrendering yourself to this new person?
The happiness that accompanies such lightness cannot be


overstated, creating a sense of emotional and mental and spiritual
weightlessness. Ah, the joy of experiencing that sensation of
radiance. Such is the light side of relationships. So joyous it is that
some might ask, Why would anyone hesitate when the prospect
of experiencing that lightness presents itself?

Why would anyone pause? Because one has been awake,
aware, and conscious of the dark side of relationships. Because
one has experienced the shock of learning that the sharing of
hopes and dreams was an illusion. Because one has, sadly,
realized that the original connection via the eyes was all image
and that the words shared were hollow and without substance.
Because one has undergone the trauma of having been
manipulated by another who had a hidden agenda and a veiled
dark side. Because one has seen that 62% of all dream scenarios
will become nightmares. Because one knows that 59% of all
women killed annually in urban U.S.A. are killed by a male spouse
and because one knows that 41% of all men killed in that same
area are killed by a female spouse. Have you ever experienced
the trauma of a failed relationship? Have you ever lost someone
youve loved romantically? Did guilt and remorse or anger follow?
Did you wonder about what you should have done differently to
prevent the breakup, accepting sole responsibility? Are you still
angry and resentful over the breakup and wish that you could
move on?

Again, why should anyone hesitate long enough to look at the
dark side? Why pause in the run for the lightness? What if you
could learn some methods to use to improve a current
relationship or prevent being pulled into another disaster? What if
you found out that past failures may not have been your fault?
What if you discovered the 17 things that drive people to do what
they do and that create all problems in relationships? What if you
could learn now what those are, see how to be free of their


influence, and then improve any current or future relationships
you might be in?

Taking the time to pause can allow one to avoid plunging into
the snare of an unhealthy relationship and to can give a person
the tools needed to build strong and healthy relationships that
avoid that darkness. When one realizes that the incredible sense
of lightness can have as inconceivable an element of darkness,
then one might be willing to seek to understand the root of the
problems in modern relationships and take the necessary steps to
avoid problems rather than try to solve problems.

The cover photo of the Eiffel Tower and Le Viaduc dAusterlitz
Bridge in Paris shows why that French capital is called The City of
Light. But for those lights to become visible, darkness must come
first. Too frequently, such seems to be the case in relationships.
Too often, dont we only see what we should have seen after the
darkness hits?

As daylight rises across Paris, certain unattractive elements of
the city become visible: homeless people lie along the
embankments of the Seine River and in the waiting areas in the
below-ground Metro stations; gypsy children mug tourists; litter is
scattered about the gutters. The problems that need addressing
are only seen when the light is cast upon them. Similarly, with the
light cast upon the stark reality of many relationships, the ugliness
also becomes visible.

The dark side, with all its potential for pain and misery, can be
seen in the light. How ideal it would be for parties to enter into
relationships with eyes wide open, with neither party consciously
or unconsciously displaying one or more images rather than The
Real that lies in wait behind the false images. How wonderful it
would be if we could cast a bright light onto that which causes the
darkness in relationships, see what needs addressing before it


becomes a major problem, and, in that process, eliminate the
darkness for good. If we can cast light on the dark side of
relationships before they strike you, or if we can cast light on the
problems that have hit and then offer solutions, then how valuable
could that light be?

I have heard so many say, No, I dont love him/her. What I
loved was the person I thought he/she was. With so much truth
coming out after vows are taken, how wonderful it would also be if
full light were cast on both parties before entering a marriage or
before people decide to divorce; unfortunately, the case is that
too frequentlythe images fall away and the truth underneath
comes into view and it is not a pretty picture.

Then, a sense of darkness often descends over the
relationship, begins to cloak the partnership in blackness, and
thus foretells the approach of another painful death of a liaison
gone bad. What if the darknesslike that in Paris or like that in
many relationshipscould provide a springboard for
enlightenment to come, for positive changes to come, and for true
illumination to come and cast away the darkness?

I wrote in The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders that the
transitions that can occur in a relationship are compelling: Things
can shift: from stranger to acquaintance to friend to lover to
spouse to enemy to . . . corpse, if her God had allowed her to
have her way. Currently, the divorce rate in the U.S. has risen to
62%. When 62% of the people in a culture say For better or for
worse and in sickness and in health and til death do us part, but
their actions prove that they dont really mean for worse or in
sickness or forever, then the concept is actually NOT the cultural
standard any longer.

It may be the cultural standard to say the words, but it is not the
cultural standard to practice the words, so it can no longer be


assumed to be what the majority in the culture believe or practice.
The majority in the U.S. culture no longer consider their vows to
be a binding standard; yet the majority still, for some reason, say
the pledge or take the vow. Many are taking vows in multiples.
With a divorce rate of 62% in the U.S. today, and with many of
those who are among the other 38% telling me that they are
miserable and that they are ready to join the ranks of the
divorced, is there any possibility that couples today can have
healthy relationships that can withstand the vicissitudes of life in
this complex world with its many challenges?

Actually, I think so, based on my own experience. You see,
even long ago I had all sorts of observations about relationships
to share. I knew part of the reason why they were failing at an
appalling rate. I also knew that the current odds are against
anyone having a healthy, long-term marriage. But I needed
solutions to share before putting pen to paper. I now have some
to offer that worked for me.

Why are they worth reading? One need but ask, Are the
odds against building healthy and successful relationships going
to improve? No. How do I know? Because the root causes of the
failure are being ignored, and neither this work nor any other is
going to change the trend. What can it change?

It can change the prospects for one couple at a time or for one
individual at a time. And if you in a troubled marriage or
relationship, or if you are totally smitten and about to join the
ranks of the married, or if you are among the 38% still married but
not happy, or if you are among the single who hope to have a
healthy relationship someday, there is hope for you to create a
healthy marriage or a long-term relationship.

The reason that this book is being published now rather than
years ago is based in the fact that I have now been given certain


concrete solutions that I have tried and applied. As a result, I can
now share that I had one healthy relationship in college and one
healthy relationship (with that same woman) thirty-three years
later. It is a relationship in which the two of us happen to have
personality types (from the nine types that exist) that are
compatible.

It is a relationship entered into with the chemistry having always
worked and with no expectations, demands, vows, promises,
documents or civil or religious interference. It is a monogamous
relationship by choice but not by demand or expectation or
promise. It is satisfying only because the two parties entering into
the relationship were already independent, self-sustaining, and
free of any sense of being entitled to be taken care of by
someone else.

The relationship is healthy because it was entered into by two
people who had done the work required to know and to feel
SELF-Love, SELF-esteem, and SELF-fulfillment and by two
people who had taken the action to heal body and mind and
emotions. That means that her moods are stable and my moods
are stable; that means we are treating the organs that help
prevent restlessness and irritability; that means we never wonder
Which person am I really in relationship with?

That means that we are not hanging around a pain in the ass
much of the time. I spent twenty years wondering if I was going to
spend the day with a Hon or with Attila the Hun, cruising through
the day or ricocheting through the day in a state of emotional
intoxication. How did I recognize those states? Easilythat was
the same way I experienced life until I took the necessary actions
to create stability and eliminate chaos. In my current relationship,
we are now honest and open, contributing mutually in any of our
dealings while growing together. We are freed of any false pride
and ego that could take offense from the open and honest


comments we share. Thus is the payoff for taking the action to
heal body, mind and emotions.

The relationship is also healthy because it involves two equally
independent people. We formed the current relationship based on
willingness but not on need. Neither needed anything. Neither had
any sense that their economic conditions could be improved by
forming an alliance with anyone. If two enter into a relationship in
order to get economic gains and admit it, more power to them. (It
seems those who enter for an economic reason but claim that
they are entering for love are the ones who often experience a
rude surprise later on.)

Everything we did in terms of connecting took place in light of
enjoying the companionship of the other and simply being
together. Similarly, the physical aspect of our relationship is
healthy, both having been freed of the rigid, puritanical influences
in this culture which, in our experience, so often prove to be the
roots of sexual hang-ups, frustration and dysfunction.

I have observed that many couples who entered into
relationships with needs and agendas found that those needs
were not met and that their agendas did not unfold as planned.
They eventually resented having to be dependent and wanted
freedom, like anyone who is not truly free and independent.

And they often blamed the partner rather than understand that
the relationship was poisoned from the beginning because of
dependency, eventual co-dependency, and ultimately a lack of
independence. If one wants anything with no strings attached,
then he should be certain that he is not tying himself to things or
being driven by ulterior motives.

In between the first relationship with the woman I mentioned
and my current relationship with her again, I had relationships that


were characterized by all of the darkness and befuddlement that I
shall describe. Too, I have since worked with individuals and
couples in advisory positions; therefore, all that I share is
experiential rather than theory and is based in what I have
undertaken and what others have gone through as well. May you
receive some benefit from our experiences.

Finally, let me share that parts of the information in this book
will appeal to some while parts might upset others. Why the
difference? There are nine personality types, and each feels and
behaves and emotes differently. I am a Type Four, a Romanticist.
Type Fours prefer an intimate relationship, one characterized by
love and by giving sentimental value to experiences shared.

I married a Type Three, a Performer. If developed, they have
wonderful traits, as is the case with all types. If disintegrated, they
do not attach and their vanity does not allow for focusing on
shared experiencesthey can only focus on self. Romantic
adventure is fine, but true romance and love are alien. The point
is, people of one personality type will react differently to some
parts of this material from the way others react.

Some will relate to certain partsdepending on their personality
typeswhile readers with different personality types might find
those same parts unappealing. That does not mean one type is
right and the other type is wrong; however, all are invited to at
least consider the information regardless of any initial reaction.

For example, as I review the history of human relationships and
discuss those times when humans merely connected for mutual
benefit or for economic reasons, some Type Fours might find that
discussion disturbing. Type Threes or Type Sevens might say,
Hey, thats reality. Thats just the way it is. We marry to be taken
care of or to have an adventure. Thats just the cold, hard reality
of life. Suck it up and move on. Thus, I invite the reader to finish


the entire volume before judging in order to receive maximum
benefit. My pal Mark says, The truth will set you free, but its
gonna piss you off first. With that in mind, I invite you to hang in
for the entire ride and hope you find something beneficial by the
end.


PART TWO
Millions of Years of
Success
vs.
Five Decades of Failure


I will ask: Have you divorced? Do you have a series of failed
relationships? And I will report that I have good news and bad
news: its not your fault. Is that the good news or the bad news?
Its good for those finally getting free of guilt and remorse. Its bad
in terms of what we are up against in this culture that is the real
culprit. Identifying those culprits and taking the action to be free
of their influence will change your life.

The universe is over 14 billion years old. Humansor human-
like beingshave walked the earth for over 13 million years. If we
compressed that 13 million years into something that we can
relate to more easilysay a one-year periodthen mankind
came into existence on January 1
st
and has survived to the
present, which well call the final second of December 31
st
. In the
entire history of mankind, lasting from January 1
st
until late in the
evening of December 31
st
, people bred, produced offspring and
lived in partnership without any concept of marriage. On late
December 31
st
, at approximately 12:58 and 30 seconds, fathers
began transferring their daughters to prospective husbands in
public. No vows were shared, no promises were made.

At approximately 12:58 and 45 seconds, wealthy Romans
began signing documents that listed property rights and
established the difference in common law and legitimate
marriage in order to protect assets.

At 12:59, only one minute away from the present time, couples
were married if they said they were married. But a code was also
passed that allowed couples to marry according to a set of
regulations if they choose to do so. Few did.


At 12:59 and 58 seconds, organized religion became involved
but still no legal or stated commitment was involved.

At 12:59 and 59 seconds, the church began requiring that when
a couple met to claim they were married, a priest and two
witnesses had to be present to hear their declaration. The priest
played no active role and was only one of the three witnesses.

At a fraction of a micro-second before the present moment in
the year that represents all of mankinds millions of years of
existence, marriage reached its current state; however, civil
marriages would still be as legitimate as religious ceremonies. In
order to gain greater control, organized religion began giving
labels to people who did not marry under their auspices and
according to their restrictions (and they made up labels for the
offspring from their unions as well.) The religious labels included:
whores, bastards, illegitimates, and adulterers.

At a fraction of the last micro-second of the year of mankinds
historical existence, the concept of marriage came into being
and was linked to judgmental phrases like right and wrong and
good and bad and legitimate and illegitimate. What happened
that allowed 13.5 million years of successful partnering to
deteriorate into the misery of a 62% divorce rate that exists in the
U.S. today? Anthropologists and archeologists and other
researchers have combined to give us insight into the lifestyles of
our ancestors.

Well begin by reviewing what relationships were like during the
majority of humankinds 13.5 million years. Well follow that to the
churchs current level of involvement in marriages which came
into being only during the last 800 years of mankinds multi-
million-year existence. To see what did work for millions of years
might underscore what is not working now and also provide
insight into what we might try that has a proven history of success


in relationships. I will offer case studies including examples from
the relationships of couples I have known or worked with over the
years. The names have been changed in every case. If you find a
couple with the exact names of people you know, that is purely
coincidental.

Finally, as you read about problems and solutions, you might
likely draw the conclusion, Gee, Floyd, you suggest too often that
many problems need a second or third party or a professional to
help. I want a simple and easy way to solve my relationship
problems. I answer, We have some clear-cut statistics that show
how effectively most are handing their relationship problems by
themselves: we have a 62% divorce rate, we have a high rate of
misery in relationships, and we have a high rate of murder among
those in relationships.

(One study of urban murder reported that 59% of all women
killed in the U.S. are killed by their spouses and 41% of all men
murdered were killed by a spouse. Were talking serious business
here, and choosing partners is too importantand sometimes too
dangerousto be entered into lightly. Consider the fact that if you
average out those two numbers, 50% of all people who are killed
are murdered by a spouse or partner during an argument or
breakup. That means that if you choose to marry, the chances are
that you are as likely to be killed by that mate as by anyone else
who is a murderer. The content of this book is critical.) I
congratulate those who solve their problems alone; however,
good things often happen when one can set the ego aside and
say, It might just be time to get some professional help. The
wise always avail themselves of assistance when required.


PART THREE
The New Challenges


As we look at how we can avoid marital or relationship
problems rather than trying to solve the problems later, lets begin
by reviewing the reported reasons for most breakups, see what
were up against, and then see if what we uncover might be used
to eliminate some problematic behaviors and thinking even before
they arise. A word of caution is offered: most people dont know
why their marriage or relationship failed. They do have a notion
that it had 95% to do with the partner and 5% to do with them.
That belief system of itself might reveal one of the root problems
in the relationship, but that will be looked into later.

In the defense of both men and women, as we look at the list of
complaints filed against each other, might the actual truth possibly
fall somewhere in between the extreme charges we hear? Might
the woman not have been as ideal as he imagined when they
dated? Might she not be as bad now as he thinks? And to the
females, I ask the same.

Next, we have an entirely new set of considerations. What if the
female really was that bad in the beginning? What if the male
really was that bad in the beginning? Havent we all been fooled
(if not totally blinded) by false images presented and by chemical
drives that propel us forward in relationships without clear reason
or rationality? I suspect most adults have had that experience.

If that is the case, might there be some way to approach the
formation of relationships in a manner that protects us from their
false images and from ourselves? Actually, there are. Ill be
identifying problems and offering solutions. The solutions run
counter to human nature, once the chemistry is triggered. But


dont the horrible odds against having a healthy relationship beg
for a different approach? Isnt it time for a change in this culture?

The change can come, if not for the culture then for a few
individuals at a time. This book is not for the culture. It is for those
who know that a change is past due and who are interested in
considering some alternative methods for starting, solidifying, and
extending a healthy relationship. With that in mind, lets see what
were up against that should really inspire a willingness to take a
different approach from that which is being used now and which is
failing so miserably.

Why men say they left:

**she spent too much money

**too damn moody

**too unpredictable, too hot and cold, too unstable

**too expensivewasted my money

**just used sex to get me to pay her bills for years

**unfaithful

**nagged too much

**quit providing good sex

**too arrogantthinks her shit doesnt stink

**dishonest or crazy

**she cant tell the true from the false


**she was always anxious

**she cant make choices and stick with them

**I got sick of her obsessive-compulsive behavior

**I got sick of her depression

**too irritable and hostile

**is a man-hater and a ball-buster

**flip-flopped between extremes of happiness and misery

**no sense of serenity

**always overwhelmed

**no ability to cope with stress

**I just got tired of her shit

Why women say they left:

**didnt make enough money to provide
(or too cheap with money or blew money)

**didnt show me enough respect

**wouldnt communicate

**only wanted sex

**was unfaithful


**didnt earn enough moneynot a good provider

**too lazy

**wasnt intimate

**too arrogantthinks hes gods gift to women

**couldnt make a decent living

**dishonesta liarnuts

**overly-anxious

**cant stick with anything

** obsessive-compulsive

**depressed and irritable and hostile

**no respect for women

**wants a mother

**extremely happy and then extremely miserableno stability

**no serenity

**unable to control emotions

**always stressed

**I got tired of his shit


Now, based on what the surveys have shown to be the deal-
breakers in relationships, we come to the real issue. I must ask:

Women, can you promise that youll stay with a mate forever,
even if he doesn't show enough respect, wont communicate and
seems to only want sex? Will you stay forever if he is unfaithful,
doesnt earn enough money, turns out to be lazy, is never
intimate, and is way too arrogant? What if he keeps acting like he
thinks hes Gods gift to women? Will you stay forever? What if he
doesnt contribute to making a decent living and if you discover
that hes dishonest and nuts? What if you just finally get
completely tired of his shit? Will you stay? Forever? Really?

Do you hate when people are dishonest with you? Are you
possibly being dishonest to vow youll stay forever under all
circumstances, for better or for worse? If those are the deal-
breakers for women, and if you can imagine the pain involved with
finding all that to be his truth, can you see why Im going to begin
by challenging you to take the necessary actions to uncover flaws
in advance or to determine what the chances are for those to
manifest? Such a determination is possible.

And men, can you promise that youll stay with a mate forever,
even if she becomes moody, unpredictable, expensive, or
unfaithful? What if she cuts off sex or nags constantly? What if
shes arrogant and dishonest and crazy and what if you just get
tired of her shit? Will you stay? Forever? Really? Do you hate
when people are dishonest with you?

Are you possibly being dishonest to pledge youll stay forever,
for better or for worse? If those are the deal-breakers for men,
and if you can imagine the pain involved with finding all that to be
her truth, can you see why Im going to begin by challenging you
to take the necessary actions to uncover flaws in advance?


Now for the real shocker: do you know that most of the
behaviors and mindsets that were listed are often rooted in under-
nourished organs and can be treated simply by a good nutritionist
or naturopathic doctor? Wow! Also, heres a Relationship-Saver
Tip: read these last two paragraphs, see how totally impossible
and demanding people can be in relationships, and stop
expecting all that stuff above. No one could meet all those
criteria. Take it easy. Give each other a break.

Finally, I wonder if the women polled left off a major reason for
leaving from the list above? In understanding the female
perspective, I wonder if they hadnt, at some point, tried to convey
to men that they wanted a shift in the relationship, if they want it to
move to another level? And I wonder if the menasleep or blind
or dedicated to preserving the status quoturned a deaf ear to
those direct or indirect calls for growth or improvement? Some
changes sought can be arbitrary, and some expectations can be
unreasonable, but shouldnt they all at least be discussed, often
with a professional mediator?


PART FOUR
The History of
Relationships


The Life of Ahhh and Whoo

They had lived only a few miles from each other but their paths
had never crossed until his fifteenth birthday which coincided with
her fourteenth. Prior to that time, he had learned to forage for
berries and edible plants with his mother. He also accompanied
her on outings to find herbs that had medicinal value. As he
became older, he learned to hunt and to fish with his father and
the other men in the tribe. She, in similar fashion, had learned
from her mother which berries were edible and which were not,
which plants were edible and which were not, and which herbs
could be used in combination to create medicinal compounds.

Both had been active children, often using their short arms to
climb trees and swing from limbs. By the time they met in their
teen years, their parents had still given them no names, Whoo
and Ahhh eventually evolving after they met. Their pre-teen
years had been spent on a veldt, and their homes were similar in
that both had been raised in caves. Whoo had proved to be a
capable gatherer and fire-starter; Ahhh had displayed skills at
tracking and killing game.

When their paths crossed after they and their families had
ventured beyond their own terrain and into their neighbors
territories, a fight had broken out between the two clans. But in a
Romeo and Juliet fashion, the two youngsters chemical reactions
would overcome the obstacle of familial hostilities and they would
form a teama partnership. It would last for their entire (but
short) lives.

During the years prior to their meeting, Ahhh had gathered a
collection of stone and bone weaponry, had made some very


straight and sturdy spears, had tanned some fine skins, and had
collected an assortment of gems that the tribe used as a form of
currency. Whoo had been courted by other young males, but
none had accumulated anything close to what Ahhh had to offer.
With the lifting of one side of her smiling lipsaccompanied by
the flutter of the lashes above her eyesWhoo attracted,
seduced and captured Ahhh in manner that would be repeated
trillions and trillions and trillions of times from that day to this.

As for Ahhh, his first reaction on seeing the young woman was
to look her up and down, admire her breasts and legs
andOKactually, he loved every body part he could see (and
longed for those that he couldnt). On being smitten by seeing her,
he said, Whoo! After they had consummated their partnership,
her mates adept sexual skills inspired her to say, Ahhh. And
thusly would they refer to each other over the next ten years. And
thusly would their relationship continued as their initial sexual
energy lasted to the very end.

Ahhh would never kid himself. He knew that much of what he
did for Whoo was based in the physical gratification she provided,
and he knew that much of the physical gratification that she
provided was often granted with the prospect of gaining
something in return: protection, food, shelter, a higher standard of
living, etc. The potential power she saw in him, the store of
hunting goods he could bring, and the future security she felt he
could provide were all aphrodisiacs to Whoo.

Like Ahhh, she never kidded herself about her deeper motives,
never having suggested that what they were doing was about
love, a concept that would not be introduced by writers until
millions of years later; nevertheless, the sex did provide a bonding
experience and it did provide an end to those times when they felt
separated by the irritating tendencies that one or the other might
have shown.


Today, their relationship would be said to be a marriage or a
union. At that time, millions of years ago, no such concept
existed of course. Nor were there yet any men declaring
themselves to be priests, medicine men, or earthly reps of
celestial beings; therefore, no rules existed for their relationship.
Over a period of millions of years, some of their descendants
might have eventually observed certain tribal customs, but even
those conventions had little rigidity and even less formality.

During their years together, some disappointments were
experienced. Ahhh came home after a bad dayone when the
fish had all gotten awayonly to have Whoo point at his best
hunting spear, broken. She then pointed at their son to indicate
that it was he who had broken the spear while playing with it.
Another day she showed him where the firewood had been stolen
while she was out picking berries. Worse, they faced another
challenge when their daughter developed a fever and died. They
would experience such losses several times in their life together,
yet they were young and able to bounce back and persevere.

Ahhh followed in the role of generations of men before him: he
immediately assumed the role of protector of Whoo and their
cave. When a surviving child provided the third element that set
into his heart a sense of family, he became even more
protective. Ahhh, like other men to come who would be
programmed for millions of years, was ready to fight to the last
breathand die, if need beto keep his wife and child and cave.
That natural tendency wouldmillions of years in the future
result in the very unnatural act of spouses murdering spouses
when that ancient protective instinct would be awakened by threat
of divorce and removal of children.

Amazing, Whoo and Ahhh enjoyed excellent physical health.
Their teeth would always remain in perfect condition (cavities
being nonexistent) and they would never live long enough to


suffer any real aches and pains or any serious effects of under-
functioning organs. Conflicts which come into relationships today,
springing up as both the male and the female partner experience
hormonal and cyclic swings, would never be experienced by Ahhh
and Whoo. Where they had been in sync sexually in the
beginning, they would remain in sync because of the brevity of
their short life together.

They would not live long enough for much of anything to grate
on the others nerves, and since they would not have suffered the
chemical imbalances so common in people today, they would not
have had obsessive minds or compulsive behaviors; therefore,
they would not have blown things totally out of proportion, would
not have made mountains of molehills, and would not have
suffered a string of arguments that were much ado about
nothing.

As challenging as their life together would prove to be, it was
not bad at all, actually. People for millions of years remained
young at heart and in body for the duration of their lives.
Enjoyable moments came when the family would swim or forage
together, but completing the tasks for survival always came first.

Once the chores were taken care of, play began. For millions of
years, Ahhh and Whoo and their descendants worked
approximately two-and-one-half hours per day in order to do what
had to be done to survive. The eighteen-hour-work-week was the
norm. For millions of years, a forty or eighty-hour work week could
never have been imagined by any human. None had an ego that
inspired them to work long hours to be able to afford things they
did not need to impress people they did not even know. There
were no businesses using marketing campaigns to create pipe
dreams in the minds of people. Interestingly, Whoo and Ahhhs
work then is what many consider their play today: fishing,


hunting, walking through the woods and foraging before sharing
meals with friends and family.

While Whoo was adept at seed-gathering, Ahhh was adept at
seed-spreading. Though Ahhh did not have a lot of sexual
partners, he did impregnate two other women in addition to Whoo.
One of those children survived. Such was the custom and such
was the norm. [A related note about modern circumstances:
Men are Seed Sowers. Females: men driven to sow seeds will tell
you anything to recruit you to their task.

They will blame you for a buildup of a repository of unsown
seeds. They will beg you to play an active role in their completion
of their biological task. The sowing happens especially during the
first two or three decades, so Buyer, beware! during that period.
Afterwards, the odds of a married man having an affair drop to
about 50:50, but the rate of females having affairs is rapidly
approaching that number as well.

Decide what you want, what you can and cannot tolerate, and
then if you want to make a commitment, make it knowing that if
you are opposed to indiscriminate seed sowing, you might want to
wait a few years. Now, back to our story.] The people in their
community did not fully understand the intricacies of the
reproductive process, but the men did feel driven to spread their
seeds and the women did feel compelled to enjoy sex with a few
other men in the community; therefore, two times per year,
couples in the community exchanged partners.

This practice was followed for millions of years by their
descendents, and some remote tribes still practice the same
fertilization rituals. (It is also frequently practiced in many
developed countries today, but it is not called a part of a fertility
rite or a spreading of the seeds but is called an affair.) Later,
the husband of Whoos sister would die and that sister would


eventually move in with Ahhh and Whoo. As was the custom, that
sister would become a partner to Ahhh as well. Could he satisfy
that many women? Of course not. The drive was for him to
spread seeds, not to try to build a reputation as being a stud or a
hot lover. And so it would be for millions of years: men were
devoted to one woman primarily and to one family unit primarily
but also fertilized two to three other women, on average.

Far more male orgasms than female orgasms have always
occurred among all the species on earth. Absent during the
millions of years of human sexuality was the threat of STDs, so
the benefit of monogamy today was no issue. Today, sanity alone
should dictate that engaging in unprotected sex with multiple
partners can be deadly and destructive and therefore not
recommended, but our ancestors never faced such a dilemma.
From 13.5 millions years B.C. until 1100 A.D., no one ever heard
You wouldnt have done that if you loved me. The concept did
not exist, so the complications (and the breaking of relationships
that come with believing in such concepts) did not exist.

At the age of 25, Ahhh fell prey to a saber-toothed tiger, leaving
behind a surviving widow and one child. Whoo had given birth six
times, but only one child survived more than a year. Always she
had wished that one of the girls had lived, but nowwith Ahhh
goneshe was happy that the remaining child was a male. Her
alliance with Ahhh had ultimately always been about aiding each
other in the daily tasks of survival. Maybe now a son could help.

The truth was, however, that after Ahhh was killed, Whoo died
of natural causes within the year. Our couple had lived what
wasaccording to the life spans of their daya long and happy
life together during the decade that they shared their own cave.
They had been together longer than earlier men and women who
lived together for even less time. Millions of years would past


before humans hit the twelve-year, sixteen-year and twenty-year
averages for time together in a relationship.

Whoo and Ahhh had experienced disagreements only rarely
during times when his physical and emotional cycles did not
always coincide with hers and vice-versa. There were times when
their sporadic food supply left them edgy or depressed. But
overall, their mission together had been accomplished. They
helped each other to survive longer than might have been
expected. And they never played any roles and they never
assumed any false identities along with all the cultural
propaganda and programming which today says that a real man
behaves like this and a husband should do this and that and a
wife should only do that or this and behave in this fashion or that
fashion.

Furthermore, they never argued or debated subjects outside
survival issues since they had no language and no concepts and
no preconceived notions. They lived naturally, not in the unnatural
state of being driven by programming, concepts, ideas and
dogma; instead, they were driven by their natural instincts for
survival. Thus no self-destructive or sociopathic behavior existed.
They never argued over whose god was the real one since it
would be millions of years before religionsand all their
subcategories and denominationswould come about. Their tribe
had occasionally fought with others over water rights during times
of drought, but no one would fight another human over religious
differences for at least another thirteen million years.

Life really was much easier in those days, especially physically.
Neither Whoo nor any other woman would ever experience
menopause, so Whoo never hadmuch to Ahhhs delightany
vaginal dryness. Nor did she ever experience skin and hair
changes as a result of undergoing menopause. She never had
mood swings and she never suffered from low energy. The couple


never had the experience of the woman being bothered by hot
flashes and weight gain. For millions of years, no woman ever
suffered from the extended issues associated with menopause;
thus, Whoo never underwent heart or vascular disease or
osteoporosis. Neither she nor any women for millions of years
would experience endometriosis, fibrocystic breasts, Polycystic
Ovary Syndrome, uterine fibroids, or breast cancer. No woman
would ever have a doctor encouraging her to have a
hysterectomy.

Neither Ahhh nor any of his descendants for millions of years
ever had prostate cancer, pre-cancerous or cancerous polyps in
their colons, heart disease, kidney failure, liver failure, hardening
of the arteries, arthritis, diabetes, phlebitis, fallen arches,
testicular cancer, hepatitis-C, an HIV-positive test result, an AIDS-
positive test result, an addiction to work, to alcohol, to crack, or to
heroin. None of them ever experienced male menopause.

Neither Ahhh nor Whoo ever had to try to adjust in order to
learn a new way to live a happy life together. Nor did they suffer
artery blockages or bone deterioration or any of the handicaps of
aging that people experience today. Their fresh-food supplyfree
of preservatives, additives, growth hormones and destructive
chemicalsnever set them up for the problems that plague
modern couples.

For example, they never crashed a hypothalamus, so their
relationship was not plagued by their being under-active; by
believing false fears were real threats; by not being able to
differentiate the true from the false; by being unnecessarily
anxious; by an inability to make choices and stick with them; or by
an inability to follow through on decisions. They did not suffer
chemical imbalances that cause obsessive and compulsive
behavior, depression, irritability, discontentment, tendencies


toward hostility and the retaining of fluids. Thus, their relationship
dodged those bullets that plague so many in relationships today.

Nor did they suffer chemical imbalances that could have caused
them to obsess on things or people and then act impulsively to try
to bring their obsession into being. They did not have the type of
chemical imbalances that cause people to flip-flop between
extremes of happiness and misery; that cause bi-polar disorder,
that cause ADD and ADHD; that cause obsessive-compulsive
disorder and other mental states that leave people not feeling
their best. No wonder they and their descendants made it for
13.5 million years in relationships while modern couples are
failing to create healthy relationships at a rate of 62 out of every
100.

They never damaged their organs with processed foods, so the
organs that impact thinking, feeling, emotions, and behavior were
never so damaged that they caused relationship problems. They
never crashed their thyroids so they did not suffer from extreme
changes in body temperature, tendencies toward depression, and
loss of the ability to make decisions and take constructive actions.

Since neither diet nor stress damaged their adrenals, their
relationship was not adversely impacted by one or both of them
being under-active, by a lack of motivation, by being lethargic or
low in energy by being robbed of a sense of serenity, or by feeling
overwhelmed. They did not lose the ability to cope with stressors
so their relationship did not suffer from that modern-day by-
product of a bastardized food supply combined with unhealthy
eating habits. If we would like to tap into what worked for 13+
million years and solve relationship problems today, we can. We
merely need to use the latest advances in natural treatments to
overcome the things we experience that they never had to deal
with. And we can.


Our ancestors lived life at the typically fast pace of the young
with the exuberance and enthusiasm of the young. Then, they
died young. So it was. As was typical, neither ever experienced
that deal-breaker of all deal-breakers: disgust. Disgust is that
which offends the moral sense of someone or makes someone
feel ill or grosses out someone or repulses someone or creates in
someone a sense of revolt. They did not live together long
enough for any deep level of disgust to manifest.

Today, when one partner becomes disgusted, often indicated
by one side of the mouth being turned up or by a rolling of the
eyes toward the ceiling, the deal is over. Nothing remains but the
shouting. Different people find different things disgusting, but of
the lists Ive read, Whoo and Ahhh never had a chance to
experience any of them. They never got disgusted with an
unfaithful partner because there was no such thing as an
unfaithful partner.

They never overate so they never got disgusted with a partner
who developed a misshapen body. They never got disgusted with
a mate who decided to take up smoking a pipe or cigar. None got
disgusted with watching a partner create cancer by smoking
tobacco or dipping. None had a spouse come home drunk from
the local bar.

We now move ahead 13.5 million years and contrast the
lifestyle of couples living in the 21
st
century in a land called the
U.S.A. The challenges to healthy relationships that are discussed
on talk shows, analyzed in magazines, and debated among
religious scholars ad infinitum are unique to a relatively short
time-period that is occurring now at the end of a long period of
evolution. How did we arrive at this point with a totally different
and most unnatural conceptabout what partnerships should
look like?


THE HISTORY OF MARRIAGE
As with Ahhh and Whoo, human or humanlike males and
females have been partnering on earth in one fashion or another
for over thirteen million yearsand in the same fashion as males
and females of all species.

For most of the time, no connection was seen between the sex
act and pregnancy, so coupling for the purpose of creating family
units came only in the last few millennia of human existence. As
recently as a few decades ago, the Trobriand Islanders were still
failing to make the connection, and usually a pregnant womans
child was cared for by her brotherif she had oneor her family
of origin if not. Even Hebrew law only a few thousand years ago
called for a man to assume the role of husband to his former
sister-in-law should his brother die.

Though humans paired, mated, and procreated for millions of
years without the concept of marriage, even after that notion
came into being, marriages were simply unions that were
arranged. Women were treated as if they were chattel, property to
be used by men in their negotiations to gain wealth or power.
Marriage was first and foremost an arrangement made for
economic reasons. (That is still very often the case, isnt it?
Some men try to marry rich in order to be taken care of. Some
women try to marry rich for the same reason.

Our culture programs people to have that belief system. Take
the example of MaryJane. Her father refused to send her to
college. He told her, Youre good-looking. Find a man to take
care of you. Her mom told her that she could manipulate men
with love and get whatever she wanted. The economic motives


that drove people in the early days of marriage are still very much
alive today. Well revisit MaryJane later.)

Again in the earliest days of marriage, some unions were
arranged for political and economic purposes but were always
intended to bring power of one sort or another by creating
alliances between families or nations. The early notion of brides
being treated as property and used in arranged marriages is
adumbrated in marriage vows even to this day when an official
asks, Who gives this woman to this man? Originally, the answer
came from the father who said, I do. Later, it was modified to,
Her mother and I. In areas and times when more women were
available than men, brides families provided gifts in order to bribe
families that had available sons.

Early marriages involved no dating and no courting. Liaisons
were established quickly, based on money or politics or perceived
needs. Marriage had no religious element until the writings of Paul
in the Bible spoke of husband and wife in the same vein as
church and Christ; yet even he advised that those not yet married
should remain single.

So if males and females made the earliest arrangements in
history for mutual support and later for economic reasons, when
did the you need to marry for love concept evolve? Not until the
1100s did any talk of marriage and romance or love begin to
be heard or written.

For the next 450 years, marriage was informal and considered
valid if two people claimed such status. Religion eventually began
to claim dominion over the procedure. To solidify their control, the
Catholic Church decided in 1563 that they should have a written,
defined, and requisite role in the process. In that year, they
declared that marriages would not be recognized by the church
unless a priest and witnesses were present when a couple


claimed the marriage state. It was at that time that sex without
marriage was officially declared to be a sin and adultery, finally
putting in writingas Moses had done many years earlierthe
restriction.

Interestingly, Hebrew law allowed men to choose to divorce and
remarry but did not extend that freedom to women. That same set
of laws also allowed a newly-wed husband and his family to take
any bride back to her fathers home and stone her to death should
she be found not to be a virgin on the honeymoon night. In the
Old Testament of the Bible, there is no mention of a formal
exchange of vows or of a preacher or priest being present at this
union.

In Italy during the time of the Caesars, wealthy Romans would
sign documents that listed male property rights and let all know
that they wanted a union to be legalizedand not to be thought of
as a common law marriagein order to maintain ownership of
property. These were the original pre-nuptial agreements,
designed to protect only the rights of males.

Thus began the official recording of marriages as practiced
today. Roman men could dissolve the marriage any time but that
was a male privilege only, not accorded to females. In the 550s
A.D., during the rein of Justinian, lawyers drew up laws called the
Justinian Code, used to regulate the events of daily living,
including marriage. Up until the time of the Justinian Code, merely
saying that you were married was enough.

As new religions evolved from the old pagan practices, they
adopted the old rituals. Fathers began to transfer their daughters
to prospective husbands in public, each father showing that he
approved the transfer to the groom involved. After this transfer,
the bride and groom ate a meal together with their families and
then the groom took the bride home.


Until the ninth century, churches were not involved with
marriages. Until the twelfth century, there were blessings and
prayers during the ceremony and the couple would offer their own
prayers. Later, priests asked that an agreement be made in their
presence. Eventually, religious elements were added to the
ceremony. Love was still not a factor.

English weddings in the thirteenth century among the upper
class became religious events but the church only blessed the
marriage and did not require a legal commitment. In the late
1400s and early 1500s, both Christian and Jewish wedding
records still pointed toward the monetary benefits of marriage for
women. Documents from that period show that a husband would
pledge to pay all of his wifes expenses while the man was alive
and to provide for her future care as well, in the event of his
death. The wife, in return, vowed to carry out all her wifely
duties.

In 1563 the Council of Trent required that Catholic marriages be
celebrated at a Catholic church by a priest and before two
witnesses, but that ceremony was still nothing like modern
marriages. By the eighteenth century Christian weddings were
both a religious event and a legal event in all countries of Europe,
but civil marriage ceremonies were just as legal, as is the case
today. Worldwide, most couples can choose to have either a
religious or a civil ceremony.

We see, therefore, that during the 13-million-year existence of
humankind, partnering occurred without marriage and without
divorce. Priests or medicine men or religions became involved
only during the last few hundred years. Til death do us part was
generally a given but not a vow.

MODERN UNIONS: A VEHICLE FOR PRACTICING
FORGIVENESS


The next shift that moved marriage closer to its current posture
came from the Puritans who settled in the U.S. They said that
marriage provided a dual prospect: 1. a chance to love another
person; and 2. the prospect of being in a relationship that allowed
the constant opportunity to practice forgiveness. Does that
describe many marriages in the U.S. today? Are they
relationships that are one constant disappointment, one
infringement on the human rights of another, or a steady stream
of insults that leave two people in a constant state of having to
forgive, excuse, exonerate or get over?

Does having the constant opportunity to practice forgiveness
sound like fun? Whoo and Ahhh worked two and one-half hours
each day and then played. They did that for ten years. They had
none of the prerequisites for debating any concepts, ideas,
dogma, politics or family values. They therefore had no need for
spending their lives together in an arrangement that was, by
definition, a constant cycle of being offended, forgiving offenses,
and being offended again.

Thus, we see one of the major sources of the problems in
marriages: religions input and desire to control couples and their
behaviors resulted in a new type of relationship that was rooted in
unnatural expectations and requirements. Religion, by dictating
the elements of marriage, tried to fit a square peg into a round
hole. People entering into relationships while trying to meet the
dictates and demands of religion were being set up to form a type
of partnership that is not driven by the ancient and natural cause
of mutual support and reciprocal aid in surviving but with an
impossible and unnatural set of expectations and demands.

The earth would eventually become overpopulated, but religion
would offer a message counter to what would be needed to halt
the over-population. That institution encouraged couples to breed,
breed, and breedjust as Mother Nature had done for millions of


years, but the church would require that the breeding take place
with certain restrictions that it dreamed up.

The Christian pilgrims knew by experience that if a couple
entered into their arrangement under the auspices and demands
that were prescribed by religion that the relationship would have
to be a vehicle for practicing forgiveness. Why? People will act
out according to their natural instincts and drivesand frequently
according to their often unnatural and perverted desiresso
many opportunities to practice forgiveness will present
themselves.

An arrangement that had for millions of years provided a
partnership for mutual support and procreation had deteriorated
into a mutually-aggravating and annoying arrangement as a result
of the many promises and standards that religion demanded that
couples adhere to. And where did religion get so preoccupied with
this preservation of virginity and its demands that sex only be
entered into under its control and auspices? That practice was
rooted in the earliest beliefs of religions pagan roots by priests
who oversaw the sacrifice of virgins and therefore created a
demand for large numbers of virgins.

In a novel I wrote, one of the characters offered the details.
Lets let John, the head of the Anthropology Department in one of
New York Citys leading universities, explain how the idea of
controlling sexual conduct and repressing people and saving
seeds and endorsing virginity all came about. Well also see how
certain early concepts and practices evolved into much of the
modern dogma accepted by people involved with religion today.
Well eavesdrop as John answers a woman who is furious with
him for not participating in the communion service being offered in
her church:


Why . . . arent . . . you . . . taking . . . communion?! she
shouted, enunciating and separating each word, and especially
accenting the last.

John, now more exasperated than Kirk, asserted, Because it is,
in the final analysis, a pagan practice. Because it focuses on
drinking blood and eating flesh, and thats sick and its gross, the
same way the other two religions that came from Abraham are so
grossly-enthralled with flesh and the blood that comes from it.

And what do you think you know about religions or Abraham or
where religions come from or what they mean? she asked the
Chairperson of the most renowned Department of Anthropological
Studies in the entire United States.

Kirk hoped John would not answer, but he knew John, and he
knew the look on his face, and he knew this matter would soon be
settled once and for all.

Maam, you ask why I am not taking communion. I must ask
you, Why are you willing to agree to take it, being female and
all?

Whats being female got to do with it?

Why it has everything to do with it, madam.

Kirk looked to John and shook his head, left to right to left,
trying to say without words, No, John. No. Dont go there. Please,
dont go there! But it was too late. John was about to finish what
this persistent woman had started.

You see, the first communion centered on a womannot on a
male savior. A group of starving people faced deaththeir crops
needed rain. They needed saving. A self-appointed Medicine


Man minister, claiming that he had been spoken to directly by the
angry Rain God, reported to the crowd that the male god could be
appeased if only he could have a virgin. Now maam, you know
how some good ole sex can usually calm down us males, dont
you? So the priest, being the self-appointed rep of god on earth,
would be the one to have her. He called for volunteers, but no
females stepped forward. Maybe he wasnt as good-looking or as
eloquent as some of the modern evangelists whose offers seem
to be accepted more readily. Several fathers did step forward,
however, more than willing to make a sacrifice to god for the good
of all, and especially their own good since the priest asked neither
for a son-warrior nor for a son-worker, but only for one of the
many daughters, considered culture-wide to be of far lesser value
than males.

Therefore it came to pass that many girls found themselves
being pushed forward by their fathers. The priest chose one, then
took her into the temple and had his way with her, brought her
sobbing body out front, placed it on a make-shift stone altar, and
cut from her the beating heart within. He then ate the body and
drank the blood and then passed her heart among the crowd,
inviting all to do the same. For centuries after that, worship
services had three elements used by people trying to feel At One
with god and neighbors: sexual acts, vampirism, and cannibalism.
Eventually, most religions evolved into talking about being at one
with god and neighbors and into drinking pretend-blood and into
eating pretend-body.

And knowing that for thousands of years so superstitious and
so barbaric an act has been re-enacted through communion
services, I choose to honor youand other women, and all sane
and educated peopleby abstaining. And knowing that religions
perceived need for having a steady supply of virgins-for-killing
initially led to the priests preoccupation with controlling the
behavior of the masses, with micro-managing the sexual conduct


of all people, with urging men to save their seeds, and with
desiring to suppress and stigmatize things totally naturalleaving
humanity sexually-repressed and frustrated and anal and
schizophrenicI find the concept most repulsive in both its roots
and in its current mind-boggling effects on people to this day.
Now, are we done?

Outside the church, Kirk turned to John and suggested, John,
all you had to do was tell her that were not Lutheran and that its
her own churchs rule that refuses us the right to commune with
God in their church if were not Lutherans.

Of course, youre right. Shall we go back and share that?

Lets not, Kirk sighed. Or you could have told her about your
first communion, when you puked and then passed out after they
told you that you had just eaten some body and had drunk some
blood.

Kirk, youre starting to be as pushy about it as she was.

Sorry. Youre right. (from The Twice-Stolen Necklace
Murders)

Thus, one can see that marriage with its current characteristics,
and religion with its existing rules dealing with marriage, only
came about during the last few hundred years of a thirteen-
million-year evolution.


PART FIVE
The Correlation
between The Influences
of Nature and Religion
and
The Current High
Divorce Rate


Religion concocted certain guidelines for sexual conduct that
contradict natures long-standing practices. Religions expectation
of monogamy is one of the last traits that became an element in
modern partnerships, yet infidelity is one of the key reasons for
divorce today. A recent study (2003) found that in 50% of all
marriages, one mate will break the promise to be monogamous. A
more recent study (2004) found that almost as many women as
men are the ones to break that pledge. What does research show
about the natural aspects of male-female coupling and
monogamy, historically? Well look at that first and then see why
natures trends, when combined with religions rules, are wreaking
havoc on modern partnerships.

RESULTS OF A STUDY ON POLYGYNY AND
POLYANDRY
Polygyny is the act of engaging in sex with many females, and
polyandry is the act of engaging in sex with many males.
Polygyny is common. In those territories which are rich, a single
male can support many females. When female choice is
important, the best male in the lot may be sought by many
females so that these more favorable male genes may be passed
on to her offspring.

Monogamy is a recent phenomenon for humans; before the
Judeo-Christian tradition dominated, polygyny was most common.
83% of matings at that time period involved 'harems' of a sort.
Polyandry, with many males supporting and sustaining one
female, is rarer. This is only found when resources are very tight,
and 2+ related males must share one female to support the
offspring or when the female is a better hunter than the male.
Promiscuity occurs when there is no need for pairing, when


resources are freely available and when a female can protect
young as well as feed them without the help of a male.

Infidelity may be nature's way. According to recent studies only
about 10 percent of birds and mammals that mate for life are
actually faithful to their partners. The urges of biology, say the
experts, promote some forms of hanky-panky. Studies published
last year in the journal Science suggest that animal parents can
gain important benefits for their species by mating with those
outside a bonded partnership.

Females stray to gather the best possible genes for their
offspring while males are driven to father as many and as often as
possible, experts say. New studies using genetic testing
techniques show that even the most apparently-devoted of
partners often fool around, visiting nearby nests or dens or clans
to enjoy the sexual company of strangers. Birds do it, apes do it,
and, of course, so do some people. "True monogamy actually is
rare," said Stephen T. Emlen, an expert on evolutionary behavior
at Cornell University.

He says there is a great difference between "social monogamy,"
where mating pairs bond and work together to raise their young,
and "genetic monogamy," where parents are faithful sex partners.
Social monogamy is relatively common, but genetic monogamy is
the exception rather than the rule, the studies report. Emlen said
there are only two monkeysthe marmoset and the tamarinthat
are truly monogamous among the primates, the animal order that
includes man. All the others, monkeys, apes and people, often
mate outside their partnerships. Most primates, in fact, make no
pretense of faithfully bonding for life, and it is difficult to know for
sure that males actually know which of the young in the clan are
their children, he said. That may even be true for humans.


An Oregon study suggested that about 10 percent of children
were not sired by the male partner of the parent couple with
whom they bonded. Among the birds, faithful sex partnership has
been thought for years to be widespread. Some species, such as
the eastern bluebird, gained reputations as shining examples of
devotion. Male and female partners work together closely to build
nests, incubate eggs, then feed and raise their young. The truth is
that bluebirds have a sex life that rivals a television soap opera.
Patricia Adair Gowarty, a behavioral ecologist at the University of
Georgia, found that 15 to 20 percent of chicks cared for by a
bonded pair of bluebirds were not fathered by the male.

Gowarty reports that of 180 socially monogamous species, only
about 10 percent are sexually faithful. Emlen said female birds
and mammals that seek sexual partners outside their partnership
may be pushed by the biological drive to produce the best
possible children. "One of the patterns is that females seek males
of high status and high quality," he said. "By doing so, they are
able to produce offspring of higher quality that will be able to do
better and survive better. There is a lot of research going on to
see if these ideas are correct."

Several studies have shown that "females socially bonded with
very high quality males do not have copulations outside the pair
bonds," said Emlen. In effect, such females believe they already
have the best, so why look for better? Males, some researchers
suggest, are biologically driven to stray by the desire to spread
their genes into as many members of the next generation as
possible. Among some species, such as lions, mountain gorillas
and grizzly bears, this drive to influence the future genetically
leads dominant males to kill and even eat the young of competing
males.

Impulses that drive humans to seek sex outside their
partnerships are far more complex. Emlen cautioned against


drawing "simplistic" conclusions about human biology from the
studies of animals. Researchers generally believe that monogamy
originated among species whose young survived best when
raised by a bonded pair. This may have led to the rise of
monogamy among people, since human children take so long to
mature.

Copyright 1998, Associated Press. More of the article is
available at: www2.mcdaniel.edu.

MONOGAMY AND POLYGAMY IN NATURE
Another study showed that the ratio of testicle size to body size
reveals that, among all species, those males that have larger
testicles when compared to percentage of overall body weight
typically mate regularly with a larger number of females. The
results were consistent among all species. Conversely, those
malesno matter the speciesthat have a smaller testicle-to-
body-weight size (or ratio) have fewer partners.

Some animals mate with dozens and dozens of partners in a
lifetime; others mate with fewer. Some few are monogamous,
though many birds that scientists thought in the past to be
monogamous were shown via DNA studies to have actually had
affairs. Videos showed males leaving their respective nests,
their female partners flying over to a limb and having sex with
another male in less than five seconds and then returning to the
nest. And those were birds used in certain texts as examples of
species that practice monogamy.

The study showed that human males fall into a testicle-to-body-
size range that calls for regular mating with approximately three
females. NOWSTOP, FEMALES. DONT THROW THE BOOK
ACROSS THE ROOM YET! Am I recommending that as a modus
operandi in modern relationships? Nope. Im merely reviewing
the roots of the natural urge. I, for one, never had intercourse


outside marriage. I know many other males that have behaved in
similar fashion. (Did the urge ever come? Of course. Do
repressed urges result in frustration? Of course.) On the other
hand, 46% of all married women in one study admitted to having
had extramarital relationshipsonly 5% less than the male rate.
Females are now rejecting by both word and deed the double
standard of the past that allowed men to have affairs while
demanding that women be faithful.

Modern men have affairs rooted first in the ancient drive to
spread their seeds and secondly in the desire to bolster their
egos; women more often form emotional bonds with other men
before engaging in an affair. Among those who confess to
having had an extramarital sexual relationship, women are almost
as active as the men. In studies, both males and females
admitted they only regretted the affairs if they got caught. Drives
and desires seem to supercede conscience with both sexes. This
is the dark side of relationships, but there is a chance for light.

All that notwithstanding, at least four strong arguments for
monogamy exist today: (1) deadly STDs exists; (2) recent studies
are showing that condoms are effective at inhibiting the spread of
some STDs but are less effective than once thought at preventing
the spread of AIDS; (3) a 2004 survey of marriage counselors
showed that 50% of all the cases coming their way involve
marriages breaking up over infidelity, and (4) if you bring home a
deadly STD, some spousesand some fathers like mewill kill
you! Men, you have a natural urge to spread your seeds.

Today, some wives have a tendency to leave your ass for that.
(95% of all divorces among married couples with children are
initiated by the wife. One woman told me, That shows that men
cant be good husbands and they run us off. A man said, That
shows you cant please em no matter what you do, and theyre
going to over-react and tear families apart. Might the truth be


neither, or both, or something else? Well see.) Some women are
tolerant, even arranging a mnage a trois; some will kill you over
the very suggestion. Statistics show that for some people, an
affair does not necessarily have to be a deal-breaker; for others, it
initiates an immediate trip to the Attorneys section of the Yellow
Pages. The bottom line is that both parties should be honest and
open up front and make clear what they want and dont want. And
if shifts occur, those too must be renegotiated.

The question about monogamy remains: "Is that natural? Is
there a reason so many males and females are frustrated? Is
there a reason that so many wives in the U.S. feel betrayed? In
certain parts of Italy, in some South American cultures, and in
many island cultures, females accept the fact that their male
mates are wired for multiple partners. In one South American
culture, a fertility festival every six months involves the women
going off into the forest and the men joining them one at a time for
sex.

Outside those two orgies per year, no sexual contact outside
the established partnerships occurs. Actually, other studies have
shown that females of all species are more capable at sex than
males and can better satisfy multiple partners than males. The
point is, this betrayal concept and Ill kill her for having an affair
or Ill kill him for having an affair is not the norm worldwide and it
never has been the norm in nature.

In favor of the pro-monogamy argument is the prevalence in the
world today of powerful STDs that cant be washed off or cleared
up with a shot. That makes a sensible argument for monogamous
practices, whether they are frustrating or opposed to natural
instincts or not. When the infant mortality rate was so high, nature
adjusted for that high death rate by increasing the male drive for
multiple partners and increased seed-spreading. Now, with better
health care and over-population and deadly STDs, nature has not


yet adjusted the male sex drive downward in light of the new
circumstances. Nature evolves slowly. Its survival of the fittest
law allows the wise to adjust their behavior long before nature
imposes new laws of operation.

NATURES NAGGING INFLUENCE
(The Impact of Religion on Relationships and the
Natural Order)
The earth is now overpopulated. Nature is sending signs to
confirm the fact: starvation, poverty as a result of diminished
resources, war and disease. Nature makes adjustments for all
changing conditions on earth, but some are not satisfied with its
slower pace. In fact, nature does often react very slowly as it
makes its mid-course corrections. If an area is overpopulated with
deer, nature will increase production of plants to accommodate
the increase, but the adjustment will evolve over a long period of
time. Meanwhile, the deer will suffer from starvation and in-
fighting for available resources. The herd will be thinned in ways
some consider undesirable while nature is taking its course.

Among humans, the same happens. For millions of years,
menas a result of fighting animals for food and survival and as
a result of generally being more active and being greater risk
takerswere at more risk than women of dying early. Since fewer
men than women were available, nature inspired men to have
intercourse with several women. Also, because of high infant
mortality rates, nature inspired more women to become pregnant
in order to insure the survival of the human species. Men naturally
scattered their seeds.

For millions of years, such was the process. Survival of the
fittest also contributed to the establishment in nature of a pecking
order among all species. In each community, certain males with
certain personality types ascended into leadership roles; others


assumed the roles of followers. While certainly not democratic,
natures way worked to enhance survival. Then, three things
happen to interrupt the natural ebb and flow that characterized
human relationships: language, concepts, and development of
spiritual hierarchies or pecking orders. Now, lets let our study
move forward to modern times.

While men for millions of years were ranked according to
physical ability, earth would change greatly when the first man
among a tribe claimed that there are gods that control the things
in life that are needed to survive (rain, agriculture, fertility, etc.)
and when he claimed that he was at the top of the spiritual
pecking order because those gods were speaking to him and
guiding him and telling him what the tribe needed to do and how
they should live. Those early leaders began suppressing natural
behaviors, ordering that all refrain from masturbating; that all
remain virginal; that all follow the rules of the leader for uniting
and procreating. The natural order of things had been interrupted.
Additionally, nature presents another obstacle to the formation of
healthy relationships as humankind has evolved and socialized.

TRYING TO TAME THE BEAST
Animals are animals. As much as we think we can truly
socialize wild animals, Siegfried and Roys act proved how silly a
notion that is. Lets consider the mix of behaviors that we can see
among animals dealing with their partners and offspring:

Roy cared for a lion, meeting its every need in terms of food
and shelter and medical care and love and attention. Roy spent a
fortune on his animal partner in their relationship, creating for the
lion a lifestyle of ease. But without warning, the animal partner
turned on him and in a moment of irritability tried to end the
relationship and kill the very one who had done more than any
other to provide a life of comfort. Harsh, huh?


If an offspring appears to be weak and cant keep up, its
mother and father will walk away and leave it to die. Harsh, huh?

Far sooner than cubs feel ready to go out on their own, their
mom will desert them in spite of their cries for her to come back.
Harsh, huh?

Some male animals will impregnate females and leave them
during the pregnancy to seek other females and impregnate them.
Often, the males arent around at the time of birth to help raise
their offspring. Harsh, huh?

A female bear that has bred with one male can be considering
the possibility of breeding with another in the future. But they can
fight to the death as the momma tries to protect her cubs from a
courting male that decides he wants to kill her offspring from a
former mate. Harsh, huh?

Some females will not protect their young; instead, out of the
desire to establish a new relationship with a different male, she
will allow the new male to kill off her former mate and will allow
the new male to kill her offspring as well without putting up any
resistance at all. Harsh, huh?

A black widow spider will mate with a male, enjoy the sex, and
then turn on the male and kill it. Harsh, huh?

During the mating season, males will fight with each otherand
often wound each other seriously or kill a foeto have the right to
have sex with a female. Harsh, huh?

Sometimes, one will work and work and work to make a kill,
only to have its mate come along and take everything away.
Harsh, huh?


Now, have you ever heard of an instance where someone
cared for another, meeting every need in terms of food and
shelter and medical care and love and attention, spending a
fortune on the partner in their relationship, creating a lifestyle of
ease, but without warning, had the partner turn and became
willing in a moment of irritability to end the relationship and kill the
very one who had done more than any other to provide a life of
comfort. Harsh, huh?

Have you ever heard of an instance where mothers and fathers
have walked away from their responsibilities as parents? Harsh,
huh?

Have you ever heard of an instance where a mom has deserted
her children in spite of their cries? Harsh, huh?

Have you ever heard of an instance where some males
impregnated females and left during the pregnancy to seek other
females and impregnate them (the males not even being around
at the time of birth to help raise their offspring)? Harsh, huh?

Have you ever heard of an instance where a female has bred
with one male and then had to protect her offspring from a
courting male that decides he wants to kill her offspring from a
former mate? Harsh, huh?

Have you ever heard of an instance where some females will
not protect their young butout of the desire to establish a new
relationship with a different malewill allow the new male to kill
their former mates and will allow the new male to kill their
offspring without putting up any resistance at all? Harsh, huh?

Have you ever heard of an instance where a lover mated with a
male, enjoyed the sex, and then turned on the male and killed it?
How about a male doing the same to a female? Harsh, huh?


Have you ever heard of an instance where males will fight with
each otherand often wound each other seriously or kill a foe
to have the right to have sex with a female. Harsh, huh?

Have you ever seen a person work and work and work to build
an estate, only to have a mate come along and take everything
away? Harsh, huh?

I call all this The Springer Syndrome which provides a chance
to observe modern humans behaving in a fashion that differs only
slightlyor not at allfrom their brutal counterparts in nature. All
living things are driven by chemicals. Except where mankind has
polluted, the diets of animals leave them chemically balanced so
they behave normally. Humans, on the other hand, suffer
chemical imbalances nowadays, and thosealong with faulty
programmingdrive most to behave abnormally.

To pair up is only natural. The way we pair up, and what we do
after pairing up, is most unnatural. Many humans behave in their
relationships in ways far more vicious than animals. One woman
said, Ive never been screwed over by my enemies like Ive been
ripped off by lovers and husbands and relatives. I guess I kept my
guard up with my enemies.

She provides another motivation for taking the time and going
to the effort to really get to know who were getting into relation
with. The heady dizziness that accompanies the early days in a
new relationshipmarked by chemical reactions, a sense of
rebirth, for some a sense that a solution to an economic problem
is showing upcan soon be lost when behaviors come forth that
are more like those of wild animals than civilized humans. And the
fact is that usually all the warning signs are right there, easily
observable but often ignored by a person in heat or in economic
fear. Heat and fear fuel the dark side of relationships, but there is
a chance for light.


Can animals be socialized? How far removed do some humans
seem to be from their animalistic ancestors? Just how animalistic
can humans become in relationships? How big an impact are we
seeing from the 13+ million years of animalistic drives that have
been passed down to humans genetically and archetypically?
How close are some to their animal roots?

As humankind developed agricultural skills, they no longer had
to live a nomadic lifestyle, following migrating herds to survive.
Humans began creating communities and social units, and the
more densely populated their communities became, the more
violent they became. The human experience is paralleled in Roys
experience: an effort was made to socialize animals but, as with
humans, the experiment is failing to an appalling degree.

Have you felt the pain of injustice in a relationship when a
partner acted in a way that was no different from the way
untamed animals behave? No greater injustices occur on earth
than those that result in savage behaviors in relationships,
including those between lovers and between people in general. A
sick world experiences nothing but sick relationships. Again we
see the necessity of a holistic treatment plan to address all the
elements of what ails us.

SOLUTION
Is there a solution? Yes: humankind needs an antidote for the
strains and stresses of living in over-crowded and therefore
stressful circumstances. The organs in the body that serve as
regulators of the mind and immune systems are being negatively
impacted. Only by treating the root effects of socialization and
over-crowding and the strains and stresses that follow will
humans be able to socialize effectively. The ways and means to
get the antidote will be offered. Without the treatment, humans in
this modern, stressful environment will continue to act like
animals.


For now, lets review some of the major obstacles to creating
healthy, sane relationships in this modern world:

FIVE MAJOR OBSTACLES TO BUILDING A LONG-
TERM, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
1. Overcoming The Longevity Trick, which Ill explain shortly.

2. Eliminating the effects of unnatural parameters, expectations,
and demands added by religion to our partnership concepts.

3. Finding a way to create a relationship that is characterized by
the best of what worked for 13+ million years and by the
elimination of what has been added in recent times that is causing
a high divorce rate.

4. Holding natures influences in check.

5. Overcoming the negative effects of a bastardized food supply
that is crashing the body and negatively impacting the mind and
emotions and, therefore, relationships.

THE DILEMMA FACTOR in RELATIONSHIPS
A dilemma is defined as a situation in which a choice has to be
made between two equally undesirable alternatives. I will show
that the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual states of most
people in the world todayand in the U.S. in particularleave
them in a constant state of dilemma as well. In fact, a major,
concentrated effort to address body-mind issues is required for
anyone to have choice and to consider solutions outside what
they are seeing as their undesirable alternatives. One set of
undesirable alternatives is undergoing the pain of divorce on one
hand or, on the other hand, staying with someone who disgusts
you for another sixty years. There are better alternatives. Why
seek out a good counselor or advisor? Because a third party can


often offer a 3
rd
, 4
th
, or 5
th
option that those caught up in a
dilemma might not see.

DILEMMA #1: THE LONGEVITY TRICK
(TRYING TO FIT SQUARE PEGS INTO ROUND
HOLES)
The sign in front of the Baptist church in the little rural town
spelled out a message in 6 high letters with their tops and
bottoms shoved into parallel, plastic tracks:

CONGRATULATIONS, MYRTLE AND EARL
FOR SIXTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE

Some quick mathematical calculations made when I saw that
sign revealed that Myrtle and Earl had been together since WWII
without killing, maiming, or divorcing each other. Would Whoo and
Ahhh have even wished for such a length of time together if they
could have imagined the possibility of living into their 80s?

We do know that many live in fear of being abandoned by a
mate, looking for twenty years across the table and worrying, Will
he/she ever leave? But we know that the same people, twenty
years after that, have thought, Will he/she never leave?

So Whoo and Ahhh stayed together until death did them part; it
looks as if Myrtle and Earl might do the same. But both of those
couples are relics of past circumstances that likely will never
return: Ahhh and Whoo made it because they just didnt live that
long. Myrtle and Earl are making it as a result of an older value
system that seems to have disappeared for good. Lets look at a
couple, then, that more closely represents the reality of
relationships in the U.S. today.


LIBBY AND WILL
Libby and Will represent the modern U.S. couple, married but
eventually ready to leave each other between the 15
th
and 16
th

year of their marriage; instead, like many others, they hung in
there until just before their 20
th
anniversary.

Libby and Will are linked more to Whoo and Ahhh than to Myrtle
and Earl since Libby and Wills marriage just didnt last very long
in comparison. For millions of years in the past, couples knew
from observation that the length of any relationship would be brief.
Will and Libby knew, however, that their projected life spans
would be four times greater than that of Ahhh and Whoos of the
ancient world. They werent about to hang out together for that
long a time.

As we look at the dilemmas facing relationships today and
consider the possibilities for solution, the difference in Whoo and
Ahhh as opposed to Myrtle and Earl can show us clearly the first
of the dilemmas well study that will shed light on why the 62%
divorce rate exists today and why that number is rising; namely,
The Longevity Trick. With the advances in modern medicine, the
length of a marriage or partnership had grown from 7-10 years to
a potential 60 years or more. Few have the level of tolerance
required to live together and to forgive for that long.

Whoo and Ahhh felt about each other the same way that Libby
and Will felt about each other during the early days after they met.
All were attracted to their partners with equal and strong intensity;
however, Whoo and Ahhhs feelings lasted til the end; Libby and
Wills died out during their lifetimes. Very early during their
lifetimes. But the point is that in terms of the entire human
experience, it has only been in the last few centuries of a multi-
million-year time-period that couples who linked up were likely to
spend more than twelve to fifteen years together.


Some anthropologists suggest that seven to ten years was
probably the original length of the time that ancient teen couples
took to meet on the veldt, set up cave-keeping together, and then
die. Hell, I could stand on hot coals that long. But pull off a Myrtle-
Earl-length stay together? Jeezzz. What a task. What an
accomplishment, I guess. But how unnatural, if we consider that
something done by humans for 13.5 million years is the typical
and that anything done to the contrary for a relatively short period
of time in human development is atypical or unnatural. Anything
unnatural runs counter to human nature. The current form of
modern partnerships is unnatural.

Before you report me to the nearest right-wing, evangelical
movement, let me confess that I am a Personality Type Four, a
Romanticist. Im an idealist. I am the faithful type, and there really
are quite a few guys out there just like thatyou know, behaving
unnaturally. Uh oh. Right in the middle of an apology, I offend
again. I doubly apologize. But we did cover the Testicle-Size-to-
Number-of-Sexual-Partners ratio that exists among all species,
so maybe youll cut me some slack.

While Im at it, offending and apologizing and all, I might as well
get this one over with, too. In the discussion of relationships, Ill
be using heterosexual examples. Thats because I am only
familiar with the inner workings of my own heterosexual
relationships and the relationships of the heterosexual couples
that Ill be offering as case studies. On the other hand, those who
are gays or lesbians and in same-sex partnerships should not feel
alienated. I make no judgments about anyones sexual or
personal preferences, and I think that the decision to marry or not
marry someone should be a right extended equally across our
culture.

Now I know that many want to fight to preserve the
heterosexual-only right to marry, claiming that they are fighting


to preserve the sanctity of marriage. However, the 62% divorce
rate is a heterosexual-only statistic, so I would hardly grant
heterosexuals the Preserving the Sanctity of Marriage Award.
By the way, in nature, of 1000 species studied, 450 had members
exhibiting homosexual behaviors. Among bird species, for
example, the rate of homosexuality ran from 9% to 44%, with 10%
being the average. Yet that debate is not the subject of this book
so lets move on, knowing that the information I present is
applicable to all people, sexual orientation notwithstanding.

Back to The Longevity Trick. For millions of years, couples
partnered (as did groups, tribes and nations) for mutual benefit
and self-preservation. For all we know, Ahhh might have been a
jerk, a real turd. Whoo may have been a turdette. But the short
time they were together simply did not allow time enough for the
levels of disgust to build up that result in splitting up.

Libby may have heard Will tell that same hunting story 42,396
times. Whoo, on the other hand, might have only had to listen to
Ahhh recount The Great Mastodon Hunting Tale say354
times. And since he had no words to use in his recounting, he
actually had to act out his account in a charade-type fashion. That
method would have allowed Whoo to look down, left, right or up
for 353 of Ahhhs actings out, so she never saw it enough to get
so sick to her stomach that she would spend her later years
wishing that the mastodon had won. She never had to listen to the
story enough to make her want to puke.

And what of Ahhh? If he and Whoo had lived long enough, her
body would have undergone certain changes that left her
vulnerable to rapid changes in the way she felt. Ahhh would have
spent many nights being told that he was inconsiderate and
keeping the cave too cold, only to stoke up the fire and be asked
why he insisted on keeping the cave too hot all the time. But he
did not live long enough to be inspired to imagine placing his


fingers behind her neck in a way that allowed his thumbs to rest
across the larynx and press on that area until no further guttural
sounds were emitted. No, they had it made, as far as having a
successful relationship was concerned. Their short life-span, a
life-span that kept them focused on meeting the challenges of life
and enjoying life together, allowed them to die before either had a
chance to get sick of the other.

Remember I mentioned this earlier: Our couple [Whoo and
Ahhh] had lived what wasaccording to the life spans of their
daya long and happy life together during the decade that they
shared their own cave. They had been together longer than
earlier men and women. Over the next several million years,
couples would have longer life-spans that allowed humans to hit
the twelve-year, sixteen-year and twenty-year averages for time
together in a relationship. Research now shows that during years
7-8, 11-12, 15-16 and 19-20, partnership difficulties worsen.

I wonder if when we hit one of the relationship length-plateaus
which humankind experienced for millions of years if we now
struggle to make it past those landmarks that were the norm for
so long? Archetypal images could well be sending us the
message at the 7
th
, 11
th
, 15
th
, and 19
th
years that OK, thats long
enough. Thats a normal length of time for being together.
Anything more is pushing it. At any rate, the wise will note those
danger years, see where they are in their relationship, and
become vigilant about potential problems that need addressing.
If we are considering the prospects for longer-lasting marriages
or relationships, and if some prefer that their relationship might be
among those that make it from beginning to end, then we must
find a way to live together in harmony. It can be done. There is a
way, and it shall be offered.

DILEMMA #2: THE NEGATIVE IMPACT OF RELIGIONS
EFFORTS TO CONTROL BODIES AND BRAINS


We saw earlier the source of one of the major problems in
marriages: religions input and its desire to control couples and
their sexual organs and their behaviors. That developed into the
modern form of relationships which are now rooted in totally
unnatural expectations and requirements. Religion, by dictating
the elements of marriage, tried to fit a square peg into a round
hole.

People entering into relationships while trying to meet the
dictates and demands of religion are being set up to establish a
partnership that will not be driven by the ancient and natural
motive of mutual support and aid in surviving but with an
impossible and unnatural set of added expectations and
demands. Getting free of such unnatural expectations and
demands will provide a more natural environment in which a
relationship can develop and flourish. Having to honor and/or
obey is the stuff of fairy tales and ego, and ego becomes
disgusting very quickly.

DILEMMA #3: FINDING WHAT WORKED FOR MILLIONS OF
YEARS VS. TODAYS UNSUCCESSFUL WAYS
One can live naturally or unnaturally. For millions of years,
relationships survived as the members lived naturally.
Suggestions for returning to natural living will be offered. The
antidote referenced earlier must be found if a relationship is to last
and be healthy for all involved.

DILEMMA #4: HOLDING NATURES INFLUENCES IN
CHECK
Take an objective look at yourself. Are you acting savagely as a
result of natural drives or unnatural rearing or the unnatural
stresses of life? Look too at your partner. Are you seeing savage
behaviors? If so, and youre convinced thats not acceptable and
is counterproductive, know that there is a course of action that
can be followed to tame the savage beast. It requires that we


follow a holistic approach and treat body, mind and emotions. I do
not have the answers. I know where the answers are. I can but
point the way, but the way to find the plan will be provided.

DILEMMA #5: OVERCOMING THE NEGATIVE
EFFECTS OF A FOOD SUPPLY THAT CAUSES THE
BODY TO EXERT A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON THE MIND
AND EMOTIONS
Remember the complaints that preceded divorce: moody,
unpredictable, unstable, not providing good sex, arrogant, crazy,
cant tell the true from the false, anxious, obsessive-compulsive,
depressed, irritable, hostile, unable to cope with stress, lazy, and
unable to control emotions? Would you agree that any
relationship entered into with two people exhibiting those traits, or
even with one member exhibiting those traits, is doomed? Would
it surprise you that 95% of all people in the U.S. are suffering from
some of those? Probably not. But would you be surprised to learn
that you might be suffering from one or more of those? Admission
leads to treatment and health.

Some claim those traits result from the person they live with;
others are aware they originate in under-functioning organs. A
good nutritionist or naturopathic doctor can set up a food plan and
supplement program that can strengthen the organs that control
the above. (By the way, good luck seeking an MD who knows
anything about how to measure specific organ-functioning or how
to treat you with anything that is not a prescription drug with
multiple side effects.)

Much of what seems to be a mind-problem is really a body-
problem. That is wonderful news for anyone who wants to
improve her or his relationships. You probably cannot force a
partner to change in all the ways required to suit you. You can
change yourself and how you feel in a way that will improve your


own life tremendously. Ill provide information of ways to go about
that process.


PART SIX
Setting the Stage for
Divorce Even Before the
Marriage
(Avoiding Potential Problems)


Many sabotage a marriage or relationship even before they are
fully into it. When couples divorce, people ask, What happened?
and the events that occurred in the final days of the partnership
are recounted. In truth, things that happened prior to taking the
vows are often ticking time-bombs that will eventually blow the
relationship apart. Here are a few:

#1: DISHONESTY
#2: DISHONESTY
#3: DISHONESTY

Well talk later about the top five causes of failed relationships
at the end, but nothing tops these three for setting up failure even
before the relationship has had a chance to develop. I am not
warning against the type of relationship-saving dishonesty that
inspires the answer No to the question, Does my butt look big?
Nor am I warning against giving a Sure when he asks, Am I
better than all the other men youve dated?

No, I am warning against the type dishonesty that deals with
presenting images or with entering relationships with a hidden
agenda covered up by loads of I love yous. I am even talking
about your own hidden agendas that might even be hidden from
you. I am talking about the dishonesty involved with saying Til
death do us part with a concealed unless attached. I am talking
about the type dishonesty that will be uncovered some day and
will be followed by Are you sure I didnt mention

my credit card debt?

my bad credit record?

my herpes?


my college loans?

SOLUTION
Theres only one solution: experiencing so many times the
negative impact of BSing others and/or self that one becomes
convinced that BSing is really just not worth it. For those in the
line of fire of BSers, you best get yourself a real good BS
Detector and head off the inevitable problems before they even
manifest. The other option is to take advantage of the options
presented later to eliminate emotional intoxication.

NOT SEEING YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY THE PARENT
OF YOUR BETROTHED
(Does it mean a man is gay if he is married to his spouses
father?!)
Case study 1: His father was an alcoholic. So was he. His father
was emotionally-unavailable. So was he. His father was critical
and nit-picking. So was he. His father was a mean, macho-type.
So was he.

Case study 2: Her father was an adulterer. So was she. Her
father broke up two marriages. So did she. Her father had a vile,
mean tongue. So did she. Her father was cold-hearted and
suffered from attachment disorder. So did she. She became
destructive, destroying all men in her pathand nearby women
tooin her subconscious quest to pay back an abusive father.

We all get influences from both parents, some of which are
assets while some are liabilities. That is the case even if a parent
is absent. One man on television offers the view that the strongest
influence on a child is the same-sex parent. My observations do
not show that to be the case. I have seen that children often
internalize the stronger parent. With the strong desire among
humans to control and to have power, children/adults seem to
emulate the parent that had the most control and power. Who


wants to be like a down-trodden wallflower, whether that was
mom or dad? Children internalize the parent that they
(subconsciously) believe had the traits that will most help them
get through life and have control and power over things and
people. The effect, however, is what one person eventually
realized after twenty years of marriage, expressed in her words,
My gosh, he is his father! I married his father, and Ive always
hated his father! Time and again, we think we are marrying a
fianc or a fiance when we are actually marrying an internalized
parent, living and breathing in the body that we are exchanging I
DOs with.

To become free of childhood influences is not easy. Anyone
who claims otherwise is as blind as the man I spoke to who was
suffering from the effects of severe childhood trauma but who
claimed, That was then; this is now. Lets move on. He did not
know that his then was also very much his now. The issues can
be identified and worked out in pre-marital counseling, worked on
in post-marriage counseling, or not worked on at all and allowed
to lead to misery and broken relations or worse.

SOLUTION
One solution is an extended engagement which would allow
time for pre-marital counseling. That process can provide insight
into the strengths of each and the liabilities of each that will
require attention in order for a healthy, lasting relationship to
occur. (I will share a warning repeatedly: no one driven by the
chemistry of love can be patient without receiving treatment for
the 17 things that drive us. Well get to those later.)

If already in a relationship, then counseling can guide one to
corrective experiences when called for. If ones parents had
weak relationship skills, then one is likely to have the same weak


skills. An effective therapist can help develop the missing skills
that one never saw modeled and thus never acquired.

Also, tests to determine the personality type as well as the
strengths and weaknesses of each can show areas of
compatibility as well as areas that will prove to be challenges.
(The MMPI is one such instrument and the Enneagram is
another.) The fact is that ones personality type never changes,
though the way people operate within that type can be modified to
shift toward the asset side and away from the liability side.
Furthermore, people can integrate the best traits of one other type
or disintegrate into the worst traits of another type. Since our
personality type does dictate the course of our lives, shouldnt we
know what our type is? And since personality type does dictate
the life of those we will form partnerships with, shouldnt both of
you know the others type?

This is not to suggest that the Enneagram should be a dating
tool used to make a yes/no decision about anyone. It is a tool that
can be used to help two people prepare for differences that might
arise and to accent strengths while reducing the effects of
weaknesses. [NOTE: If you are interested in arranging a two-
session telephone conference to learn your type and what types
youll be compatible with and which youll be incompatible with,
contact me at www.floydhenderson.com to schedule.]

Many potential challenges can be avoided by getting help up
front. Why do people refuse this sane and sound approach? First,
because of the sense of urgency that either chemistry or an
obsessive-compulsive mindset inspire. Secondly, some avoid pre-
marital and marital counseling because of a fear that something
might be uncovered that would end the marriage plans or the way
the marriage is currently flowing. This ostrich approach toward
finding each others truth and ones own truth ignores the fact that
the liabilities will show up. The choice is to find potential problems


before the marriage (and eliminate them with help) or to allow
them to surface later. The honeymoon (and its accompanying
mindset that says were going to be happy forever) will end at
some point. When the liabilities are revealed and addressed can
make all the difference.

Also, some people avoid undertaking this study because they
are sure that they have already found a perfect match, their soul-
mate. Some proclaim, Sex this good must mean something!
Well, it certainly does. It means the sex is good. But the wise
recognize the counselors motto: Pay me a little now or a lot
later.

(DOES IT MEAN IM A CHILD IF MY SPOUSE LIKES TO
PLAY PARENT?)
Seldom do we find a marriage that is regularly conducted on the
Adult-Adult basis required for healthy relationships to exist. Often,
I see Parent-Child dynamics being played out. The troubled
relationships Ive seen included those in which a male is behaving
childishly and the female has assumed the role of a Parent, trying
to control the Child. In other cases, I have seen dominating,
controlling men trying to assume the Parent role and control a
woman and force her into the Child role.

SOLUTION
Again, personality tests and other measuring instruments are
available through licensed counselors to predict the ways in which
two people will interact in terms of the Parent/Child/Adult
dynamics that manifest in relationships. Wouldnt it be better to
see all in advance and prevent certain dynamics from ruining your
relationship rather than experiencing the ruin later?

DECEPTIONS
Those who claim that they are preparing to marry someone for
love fall into three groups: (1) Those who might really be telling


the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth; (2) those who
think they are telling the truth but are not; and, (3) those who
know theyre lying but are claiming to be telling the whole truth. In
the latter two instances, any potential relationship is probably
doomed and thats another problem that can contribute to divorce
even before the marriage takes place. Deception can manifest in
many ways.

DECEPTION #1
OUR PERSONALITIES ARE SO COMPATIBLE!
So, youve been together with someone long enough to know
that you are compatible sexually and that you like the same type
movies and that you both like to travel. But those will neither
break or made a relationship, long-term.

Instruments are available through good counselors to analyze
how compatible youll be in the areas that will matter long term.
How compatible or incompatible are you, on a scale of 1-100, with
your partner in terms of: degree of caring, degree of offering
affection, and in agreeing on a fair division of labor in the
relationship? How compatible will you be regarding methods to
use in raising children? What about in terms of finances? How
compatible would the test show the two of you to be in the areas
of rigidity vs. flexibility; insecure vs. secure;

untrustworthy vs. trustworthy; suspicious vs. trusting; impatient
vs. patient; insensitive vs. sensitive; dependent vs. independent;
out of control vs. self-controlled; respectful of a partners
independence vs. desire to control; unreliable vs. reliable; cold vs.
warm; unpredictable vs. emotionally stable; relaxed vs. tense; and
adaptable vs. unable to adjust? While those might seem to be too
subjective to measure, the fact is that your compatibility with
another in those areas can be tested and charted exactly. If
nothing else, youll know what areas are going to require work
and attentionif you undertake the study.


If this all seems too sterile for you or not worth the trouble,
please re-read the statistics in Part One regarding the 59% and
41% murder rates that occur when two people in a relationship
find out they are incompatible. Look back over the 62% divorce
rate statistic. Arent prevention, avoidance, and preclusion
preferable to fighting, separating, divorcing orin half of all urban
murder casesdying at the hands of a partner?

Also, nine different personality types exist. Over the course of a
lifetime, each person will be most compatible with only one or two
types; somewhat compatible with two or three types; less
compatible with two or more types; and totally incompatible with
one or two types. Personality measurement has reached the state
of a science. How often do you think that a person claiming, Our
personalities are so compatible! has learned what the personality
types of both parties involved are and then looked at the research
to find if that is a true statement or a statement being made from a
state of emotional intoxication?

The speaker might be right. Then why not affirm it? And if the
speaker is wrong, why not find that out and get help to head off
the problems that the two types are sure to experience? Wouldnt
both people be far better off spending two hours to research the
possibilities rather than being burdened with the pain of a broken
relationship? Why would one not avail himself/herself of the
advances in science?

If one takes preventive injections to ward off unhealthy or
deadly diseases in advance, and if one takes preventive
supplements to ward off unhealthy illnesses in advance, then why
would one not take the preventive actions to ward off unhealthy
relationships in advance? Only because of fears, hidden agendas,
or a tendency to use the ostrich approach. If dreaded diseases
and illnesses strike, they strike rarely, but the current divorce rate


shows how often unhealthy relationships strike. And when they
strike, they strike 24/7 and they stay until resolved or until divorce
or, in the sad and extreme cases, until death do ye part. We have
seen how many people are murdered by one who was formerly a
lover or spouse; therefore, the question must be asked, Why do
we play such games with something that is so serious?

Some types, therefore, are compatible. Other types are going to
be like gasoline and fire together. But consider the positive effects
and potential benefits that could be brought to your relationship if
you each had a clear understanding of your potential partners
personality type (and how that partner can be predicted to operate
in a relationship with your type) in advance. Its far easier to get
into relationships than it is to get out of them. Doesnt that fact
justify taking the time to learn as much as possible about your
prospect and yourself before going into a relationship?

For example, consider the consequences when a Type Four
Romantic and a Type Seven Adventurer form a partnership.
When the Seven starts pulling back, feeling trapped, seeing the
overly-attentive mate as a jailer, the Four will often take that
personally. Think how healthy it would be if the Four already knew
that such behavior was going to show up one day. When the
Sevens behavior began indicating a need for space and some
room for detachment, the Four could say, Ah, OK, I see whats
happening. This behavior is rooted in my mates personality. It is
not about me.

SOLUTION
Know Thyself. Then know thy partner or thy future prospect.
Avoiding a problem seems more desirable than solving a
problem. If you are in a serious relationship that may be moving
forward, why not do all required to know yourself and to know
your partner? Almost all secrets eventually come to light. If you
are not in a relationship, why not enjoy the benefit of knowing


yourself and your assets and your liabilities? Why not know the
types you would be compatible with even before you enter into
another relationship?

Either way, whether you are in a relationship now or in a
position to be in one in the future, why not take the self-enhancing
action to be all you can be and to know all you can know about
yourself and what type person is likely to be able to sustain a
long-term, healthy relationship with you? And why not know up
front the type that you might be attracted to chemically but that
will not be able to sustain a healthy relationship with you?

A method for determining personality type and compatibility is
available through a personality analysis tool called the
Enneagram. It can provide a specific blueprint on how a partners
way of seeing the world will differ from your own, but that does not
mean such differing views have to be a deal-breaker.

In the world of the Enneagram (and perhaps in real life
romance) likes can attract, but complementary pairings may be
more apt to endure and be healthy. Being hitched up with
someone whose view of the world is different, even seemingly
opposite, like a worrying Six and a good-time Seven, may
inevitably create friction, but it can also create a dynamic that
fosters personal growth in each. Thus, you can see that
navigating the similarities and dissimilarities in personality is no
task for the lay person. The good news is that if you have had
relationship problems with people in the past or if youre
experiencing problems in a current relationship, know that it might
not be personal. It might just be personality.

More good news is that if people are happy or at least serene,
they can be happy and serene with almost any type. For many,
being truly happy and serene can be gained through some self-
improvement sessions with a good counselor combined with a


nutritional program that positively impacts the organs that affect
how we feel and perceive the world. (More on the connection with
body and mind and serenity and thinking and feelings will be
offered later.)

Counselors are available who are familiar with the Enneagram
method and its uses in helping individuals and couples. They can
help you identify which of the nine personality types is yours and
identify the type of any potential mate. Why not find out before
hand what areas of the partners makeup will be triggering you,
and vice-versa? Why not know both the weaknesses and the
strengths of your personality type and that of your partner? To
begin, visit
www.floydhenderson.com

and click on Services

DECEPTION #2
TAKING IMAGES TO BE THE REAL
For 13.5 million years, mankind existed with total freedom from
images. No big screens were available; no makeup artists
covered flaws and created false images; no studio crowds stood
and cheered when an actor walked onto a television set; no mobs
gathered outside hotels and watched fathers hold their babies
over balconies. People were Real. Partners were not upset that
their mate failed to meet the dreamed up potential of an idols
fabricated image. In The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders, two
of the characters discuss the view that a man had about the
images that people present during the early stages of
relationships:

He talked about the images that we humans take into
marriage.

The images?


He talked about the multiple images we have in our love
affairs: first, the image the woman has of herself and the image
that the man has of himself.

Then he noted the image that she shows the world and the
image that he maintains in public.

Then he noted the image that he held of her, often idealizing
her, and the image she formed of him.

Ultimately, the character behind the mask will come out. Every
play must always end and the actors finally appear out of
character. The larger-than-life hero is seen to merely be a man.
After even more time, one can wait outside the theater and see
that the most beautiful woman ever was wearing cakes of
makeup and is not really that good-looking at all. To accept ones
image as real is to be set up for a relationship-breaking
disappointment.

SOLUTION
Know thyself and thy partner or prospect. One method for
finding the truth which lies underneath all those images is
provided via the Enneagram. Extended engagements also help,
but I am realistic enough to know that when the seltzer tablet hits
the water, nothing is gonna stop the fizz; however, I do know that
once the fizz stops, there better be something else besides fizzing
if their relationship is to be healthy and long-lasting.

DECEPTION #3
RELYING ON THE POWER TOOLS
or
THE FLOOR-TILE RULE:
I laid you right the first time, so now I can walk on you for
life


In the world of courting, nature provides power tools to all
species. The male cardinal has brighter plumage than the female.
Since the female gets to choose, the males must have an upper
hand in their efforts to manipulate, to control, and eventually to
mate. Its visual first, chemical second. That pattern extends to
the human species as well. The looks must be there. Then the
chemistry is given a chance to be tested. If that works, mating
rituals and mating rites can follow.

In many unhealthy relationships, the power tools of looks, sex
and other benefits are used to control and to manipulate. What
happens when the looks fail or when the plumage loses its
brightness? The chemistry wanes and often the relationship fails.

SOLUTION
Try being more honest and open and showing the real you. Ha!
I hear you: Fat chance of that happening, Floyd. Dream on, O
Nave One. And guess what. Youre probably right. Fat chance,
indeed. Therefore, the sane and sound approach is the one that
frees you from being driven helplessly by the manipulation of
looks and chemistry. Science can come to the rescue, and that
rescuer can often save you from another who is showing an
image and can often save you from yourself when youre being
driven by your emotions.

A few counseling sessions with a good therapist can help
uncover the images via use of testing and measurement
instruments that help uncover the truth. Should one choose not to
do that, as the majority in this culture choose not to, then no doubt
you will still find the defects later on your own. Isnt all this pre-
emptive work rather time consuming, rather radical, rather
expensive, and rather trying, Floyd? Geez Louise, your
suggestions seem like a big pain in the ass. Only those who have
experienced how time consuming divorce and life after can be,
who have experienced how radical a divorce and life after can be,


who have experienced how expensive a divorce and life after can
be, or who have experienced how trying a divorce and life after
can be, will consider the suggestion that a few hours with a
professional might be a sane and sound investment of time and
money.

Some might argue, Hey, things ought to just work out. Well,
thats wrong nowadays. For millions of years, it just worked out
because relationships did not experience interference in the form
of male or female menopause, traffic, over-crowding, 40 to 80-
hour-work-weeks, chemical imbalances in the body, toxin
buildups in the body, years of insane, abnormal programming and
conditioning, and all the other unnatural influences that impact
individuals in this culture. (Of course, all of my proposals are just
suggestions. Ha.)

DECEPTION #4
BELIEVING A COMMON LIE: WE MARRIED FOR LOVE
Whatever love is, does it make sense that it takes time for that
to manifest, grow and mature? Most surveyed now admit they
didnt marry for love. If we want to know why people really marry,
lets go to the results of a survey. Thousands of men surveyed
said they married because #1: They were tired of the singles
scene; #2: They wanted sex on a regular basis; #3: They hated
being alone; #4: They were getting older and wanted to have
kids and be young enough to raise them; and #5: They wanted a
life-long companion.

Not one man in the thousands surveyed mentioned love
among the top five reasons for marrying. A survey of thousands of
women who were asked why they married revealed the following:
#1: I found a man with an established career; #2: I found a man
who could provide financial security; #3: He showed self-
assurance; #4: He seemed honest; #5: He had a clean
appearance; #6: He seemed intelligent and humorous; #7: He


had good manners and honored me, opened doors for me, and
made me feel special; #8: He is healthy and fit, in good shape;
#9: He listened to me; and #10: He was handsome.

A study in Psychology Today also confirmed that a mans
earning power was the determining factor with women agreeing to
marry. Like the men, not one woman out of thousands surveyed
mentioned love anywhere among their top reasons for getting
married; however, with more women earning income, I am seeing
more and more men who are free-loading off working women.
Both sexes should beware.

SOLUTION
My parents marriage lasted 60 years, right up until my fathers
death. When they married, my dad was earning 17 cents/hour at
his job. Like most of moms friends, money was not the issue.
Until recently, couples began poor and worked together to make
it, just like Whoo and Ahhh. Of course women not marrying for
money are around, but research shows they are now in the
minority. While men not marrying for sex are around, research
shows they arent in the majority. My only healthy relationship has
been with a woman who earns her own money, never expecting
anyone else to pay her way. Sex was delayed until love had
manifested. Respect is a prerequisite for love.

Why people stay together depends on personality type, on
family of origin influences, and on many other factors, but if we
take the top two reasons given by men and women for marrying,
we see that the men admitted that they were marrying for sex and
companionship and the women admitted that they are marrying
for economic considerations and financial security. Noble reasons
for staying married notwithstanding, the reasons given for getting
into a marriage lack the lofty motives often claimed. Wouldnt it be
nice if we could find a way to treat our bodies and minds so that
we could develop a level of tolerance that would allow us to stay


together long enough to get past the BS reasons and phony
motives for getting married and then hang in there long enough
for the Battle of the Sexes to subside, to let applied tolerance
manifest, and then to allow real (unconditional) love to bloom?
There is a way. Ill offer it.

DECEPTION #5
FACADES, MOOD SWINGS, LIES & IDEALIZATIONS
FACADE
Case Study #1: The phony millionaire
He had a car note, one nice suit, and a hundred dollar bill. He
also had his act down enough to convince her that he was a
millionaire, was a real prince, and was capable of making her a
princess for life. He really didnt have a pot to piss in, but she fell
for it. What you think you see is not always what youll get.

Case study #2: He was buying steaks from her, but she
started delivering salads (or, Sucker!)
MOOD SWINGS
He received a picture of a hot, juicy steak in the mail with a
number to call to place an order. A woman who sold the steaks
met him and gave him a taste. She was good at selling the
product because she liked it a lot, and he liked it, too. He signed a
lifetime contract to have steaks delivered regularly. She delivered
his order per their agreement for quite a while.

Then, she changed her mind and got tired of steaks. She
decided that she needed to eat less meat and eat more salads
and that he needed to eat less meat and eat more salads. So on
his next order, she changed their deal without discussing it with
him. He opened the package and found salads instead of steaks.
He complained: Whats going on? Why the change? She said,
Screw you. Salads are better for you. He said, But I chose
steaks, I bought steaks, and we had a lifetime agreement. She
says, I dont care. Ive changed my tastes and preferences and


you should, too. He asks, Shouldnt we have at least discussed
this? What if I still prefer what we agreed to originally? She said,
Thats no longer an option. Its gone. My tastes have changed
and yours will have to change, too.

Case Study #3: I think Ill blow him off
LIES
Relatedly, on a popular TV show, a woman said (to paraphrase)
The reason brides are smiling on their wedding day is because
they know that they have given oral sex to their partner for the last
time. Its called The Old Bait and Switch Scam. (More
explanation to follow.)

Some might say, Hey, you need to be positive and upbeat,
Floyd. What a negative picture these cases present of the people
out there dating. Others might say, Wow, did that describe the
trap I fell into exactly. Others might say, Yeah, there are some
decent people out there dating, but there are also a ton of
stalkers, too. No matter your mindset and outlook, men, there are
many out there like the bride who used her power tools to snag
him and then cut him off immediately. And no matter how positive
your outlook and mindset, women, Scott Peterson was out there
and others just like him are still out there.

Case Study #4: I want a whore in the bedroom but a
lady in public
IDEALIZATIONS
First off, in that quote are two terms that display the degree of
nonsense and judgment that we can come up with in this culture:
whore and lady. It also is a statement of how ignorant and
infantile men can be. However, since this work is not a treatise on
ego-states and the arrogance of labeling, Ill discuss that inane
statement that many men come up with today.


One man said, If you find a person who is both, youve got a
schizophrenic on your hands. In reality, isnt the belief system
behind that quote just an extension of what we learned in
Deception #4? From the survey results reported earlier, we see
that most men admit that they are marrying to have steady sex
and companionship.

Most women in the survey admitted that they were entering into
marriage for steady financial support. Is there any surprise, then,
that one of the darkest sides to modern relationships today is the
fact that both parties are claiming to be entering for love while
one is entering for sexual reasons and the other is entering for
economic reasons?

In fact, our look at the history of marriage showed that
economic reasons were exactly why many marriages were
entered into. So whats the shift? The shift is the current
dishonesty. When people in the early days of marriage admitted
that they were marrying for economic benefit, political alliance,
and/or sex, no dark side existed because no self-deception or
partner deception existed. Today, since I am a Romantic, I would
still prefer to believe that the motto should be that Love Dont
Cost A Thing instead of Love Is Worth Exactly What You Pay
For It. On the other hand, I have had personal experiences with
some people who believe the latter, deep down inside.

But note what is happening today as a result of hidden
agendas. According to the surveys, men enter into marriage to
guarantee the continued availability of steady sex. When the
chemistry dies down, men feel tricked, cheated or robbed.
According to the survey, women entered for financial support. Is it
any wonder that they end up feeling like a sex object and say,
You make me feel like a whore when the truth begins to dawn?
Is it any wonder that they begin to resent their dependence on


men for support? Is it any wonder they bail out during
economically hard times or leave to get financial independence?

Whats the bottom line? Women: if you use sex to snag a man,
dont be surprised when you have a man primarily interested in
sex. On the other hand, why pull someone in with sex and then
complain when youre treated like a sex object? Men: if you treat
a female like a sex object, dont be surprised when she resents
you. And if you fish with money, why be surprised that you caught
someone chasing money?

This deceptive (and self-deceptive) dark side of relationships
must be addressed if a couple is to escape the typical fate of most
partnerships. Having hidden agendas and entering relationships
with false motives is a setup for failure. A good counselor might
help you see the superficial foundation on which your relationship
was begun and help you grow toward something closer to mature,
true love. Idealizing ones motives and idealizing ones mate
making a person more wonderful in ones mind than that person is
in realityis a setup for personal disappointment and relationship
failure. We can see the result in the case study of Judy and
Foster.

The first time Foster saw Judy, she was on stage in a dress that
allowed all who entered the club to see her breasts. She was part
of an act that had a lot of blue material in it. When she climbed
off the stage and sat down and began talking to him, she seemed
like a different person. Over the next few weeks, she spoke of her
deep spirituality, so Foster ignored his friends warning when they
pointed out that she was currently having an adulterous affair with
a married man. Shes very religious now, and she wants to
change and set her life on a different course, he countered.

Foster married the faade. Amazingly, he would be shocked
later when Judy revealed that shed never loved him and had only


used him for her physical needs and financial support. Her
marriage to him had never been anything more than an alliance
made for commercial cause. She broke up their marriage and
family and married another man in the same church where she
had found employment. She continues to play the role of the
perfect lady, and it took Foster years to see how hed idealized
her after buying into her public image and believing the faade
was real.

Fosters belief was, What you say speaks louder to me than
what you do. Males and females: truth is realized only when the
test we use is, What you do speaks much louder to me than
what you say. As mentioned earlier, as many instances exist in
the reverse when men maintain an image and women fall for the
lie. Believing the lies and buying into the facades is a major setup
for failure and misery later on in a relationship. My teacher was so
correct when he pointed out how many humans are asleep
while dreaming that they are awake. This is a dark side of
relationships, but there is a chance for light.

SOLUTION
Chemistry is a tool of nature, but it is not always your friend.
Conversely, sound reason and patience are not always friends of
romantic adventure, but they are effective tools for self-
preservation. The ramifications of the Were-Going-to-Live-
Happily-Ever-After Myth are the product of impatience and a lack
of reason. However, no one driven by the chemistry of love can
be patient without receiving treatment for the 17 things that drive
us. Now, lets look at another way we are deceived or driven to
set aside patience and thus put ourselves at risk.

DECEPTION #6
RELIGIOUS INTOXICATION
This one is going to be a shocker for those on the far right, but it
was shocking for me to hear some of the excuses Ive heard for


getting a divorce, all based in religious thinking. I left him
because I was getting tired of him and I did not want to spend
eternity with him. If I remarry, Ill spend eternity with the new
husband. Another said, I must get away from him. God wants
me to leave because if I stay with a person so evil, it will damn my
eternal soul. A third said, I got a divorce but I can marry another
man in the church and say the same vows with him because I
didnt break the first vows.

I asked, Werent you the one who chose to break up the
marriage even though he was begging you to stay and get
counseling? Yes, she said, but I didnt break the vows. He
broke the vows first by not honoring me. The husband eventually
came to realize what a great favor she had done by leaving. He
saw that their entire marriage had been frustrated by such illogical
thinking. Twenty years of exposure to that kind of thought-life can
be debilitating.

SOLUTION
Sorry, but so far I have found no solution that can work to
remove one from such a state of indoctrination. If I do find a way
to de-program one in that condition, itll be an entirely new and
different book anyway. And it wont just help curb the breaking of
personal relations between couples. If I discover an effective way
to free people of religious indoctrination, it would help stop all the
worldwide terrorism, bombings, killings, maimings, and wars that
are now being fought by the worlds religious fanatics.

DECEPTION #7
SHEER, FREAKIN LUNACY
Have you ever met someone who seemed to be sane and
sound, only to discover later that that person was freakin nuts?
That proves this: it can take time to see beyond an outer cover
and find out what is really going on inside a book. Again, the call
for patience seems to be indicated, but when the chemistry kicks


in, that seldom is practiced, huh? What awaits those who rush in
before taking time to give someone the chance to show what is
beneath the cover? Never in history have so many insane people
been gathered together in one spot. Your chances of finding a
sane mate are slimmer than ever, requiring more vigilance than
ever before on your part. Here are some comments shared with
me by people who were in partnerships but who did not see the
dark side of an individual until well into the relationship:

She told me, I like to fight because I like making up.

I thought he was the perfect man, then after a few months
together he told me that I needed to have dinner on the table at 5
oclock sharp, to have the house clean when he got home, and
then to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the evening.

She said, I love falling in love; I just dont like being in love.

He said, Im gay. I thought I might be bi so I thought Id at least
try marriage, but its not gonna work.

I thought he and I were the perfect match. After six months, I
found out that the only thing we had in common was that we both
lived on the same planet. Beyond that, nothing.

I prayed every morning for a year that you would die.

Mom told us to manipulate a man with love and we could get
anything we want, but she meant manipulate in a good way.

We were married for less than a week and I caught him in bed
with my mother.


We have it made. Once her husband finally died, we were able to
get married and now we have the proceeds off his quarter million
dollar policy.

My wife is pregnant. This is the third time shes gotten pregnant
by another man.

I served her and her girlfriend when they came into the
restaurant where I work. She ordered the same entre I had
ordered for dinner, so I took that as a sign that maybe we were
soul-mates. Our marriage broke up after three months.

My neighbor was sent to prison for murder and his wife divorced
him. Then, she married his father, so the man who was the
grandfather to her two sons is now their step dad.

Six months after we were married, the doctor diagnosed me with
AIDS. I contracted it from my husband who was having sex with
men.

She told me after the honeymoon when I brought coffee to her in
bed, Lets get something straight: my mornings have to be quiet.
Wow. During the weekends we spent together when dating, that
was never mentioned, but for the next month, I kept quiet til I
passed her in the hall one morning and she muttered, Asshole. I
asked what that was about. She said, You walk past me in the
mornings like I dont even exist.

[If you need more examples to inspire you to be as vigilant as
you should be in choosing a mate, please see The Jerry Springer
Show on any given day. And if you think the circles you run in will
protect you exposure to such insane people, I have examples
from all the various social strata which can be offered.]

SOLUTION


Even extended engagements dont always afford the time
required for some lunacy to surface. If one is not in danger when
such lunacy surfaces, counseling might help. More importantly, to
prevent a problem rather than trying to solve a problem, being
more awake, aware and conscious in the early stages of a
relationship can help when it allows us to read through a book
before buying it. Thus, pre-marital counseling is again indicated.

DECEPTION #8
WE NEED TO TALK
Maybe you do, and maybe you dont. Yeah, I know the common
counsel: Couples must communicate. Unfortunately, what the
words we need to talk really mean is you need to listento
me. Some partners never stopthey never give their mates a
break. The complaints are endless, the blaming is endless, and
the nit-picking is endless. Sometimes, one partner listens like the
Child to the partner playing the role of the Parent, but thats not
communication. Other times, complainers never stop to realize
how good they really have it. Some argue over such trivia that
they admit a week later they cant even remember what they were
bitching about. It makes a partner want to scream, SHUT UP!
But heres a steadfast rule:

NEVER TELL YOUR PARTNER TO SHUT UP
Instead, leave this book open to this page and set it somewhere
where your partner is likely to see it:

Hello. Youre reading this because your partner left the book
open to this page. The fact that your partner even bought this
book suggests to me that some things might need to change in
order to save your relationship or to improve it. Now, I am
encouraging your partner to be kind and considerate and I urge
you to do the same; therefore, Im going to share something with
you that I have advised your partner to never say. Its a basic


piece of advice that can help any relationship. Are you ready?
Here it is:

Mate of the person who bought this book. SHUT UP! Yes,
seriously, sometimes you just need to SHUT UP! No, really, Im
not kidding. Any time that you think about offering advice,
demanding something from your mate, nitpicking your mate,
trying to control your mate, instead just SHUT UP! And if you think
your mate needs to change in order to think like you or feel the
way you feel or believe what you believe, you might try to bring
about such change either by being mean or by acting kind. You
might even be thinking about praising your mate as a lead-in to
manipulating your mate to be like you and to do what you want.
Either way, instead of being mean or kind or trying to manipulate,
just SHUT UP!

If you have been studying your mate and recognizing
weaknesses and taking your mates personal inventory and
uncovering that persons character defects, instead of sharing
those, turn the focus on yourself. Take your own inventory. Study
yourself and uncover your defects. Find your shortcomings. Try
to improve yourself rather than your partner.

If you think the relationship could benefit from an impartial
observer helping each of you uncover defects and weaknesses,
then make the appointment for yourself and then invite the mate
along for professional counseling. Listen to the counsel even if
your mate doesnt. But above all, just SHUT UP!

DECEPTION #9
TO FORGIVE MEANS ID BE SAYING IT WAS OK
No it doesnt. Either try forgiving while in the relationship or
youll find youll be working on trying to forgive and forget for the
rest of your life as the resentments nag you forever. You may
have to get to that place in order to ever have any peace, so you


might as well try it while in the relationship. (Of course, if one of
the Deal-Breakers well discuss is in playnever mind.)

DECEPTION #10
LOOKING FOR CAUSES IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
In The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders, the point is made that
the reason we cannot understand the high divorce rate is because
we ask at the end, What happened to break them up? instead of
going back to the beginning and asking, Why, really, did they get
together in the first place? [Having entered the relationship with
hidden agendas] in the first placemere companionship, co-
dependency, financial gain, being cared for, escaping loneliness,
tired of looking, tired of dating, feeling age creeping up, finding a
trophy wife or husband, etc.causes the eventual breakup.

SOLUTION
The book continues, You find the cause of divorce on the front
end, not on the back end. Trophies look golden, but closer
inspection always reveals that what is underneath is far from the
outer image. As unfulfilling as the trophy becomes, so is any
relationship entered into when the motives above are the driving
force.

DECEPTION #11
IF MOMMA AINT HAPPY, THEN AINT NOBODY HAPPY
So said one man practicing therapy on TV. Is that an absolute
truth, or is it just a statement of fact about what life was like in his
childhood home or in his current home? The fact is, thats an
endorsement for co-dependency. I was in a relationship with
someone who cannot be happy because of her perfectionism, her
anxiety, and her obsessive personality, all of which could have
been treated naturally. But does that mean I should never get to
be happy either?


Is that quote also an endorsement for playing Parent-Child
roles? Is Wife also Momma? Is a male to play like The Good
Boy or The Good Child to make Momma happy? The If
Momma Aint Happy, Then Aint Nobody Happy Theory is a
formula for relationship co-dependency and ultimate disaster.

SOLUTION
If momma or daddy aint happy, momma and/or daddy need
to seek help. Partners arent living entertainment centers. Others
do not make us happy. We make ourselves happy by getting the
needed treatment for whatever might be ailing us, mentally,
spiritually, emotionally, and/or physically. Happiness is an inside
job, not any outside job. How do we know? Count the times
people have said, If only I can get ____, Ill be happy. But then
they got _____ yet still werent happy.

DECEPTION #12
I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT IF IM WILLING TO APOLOGIZE
LATER
Better to toss spears than some of the words that people fire off
at their partners. Words can be deadly in relationships. Some
personality types have a great propensity for sarcasm and
viciousness of tongue than others.

SOLUTION
Either marry a dullard with no memory or commit to curbing
your tongue. Those with any memory at all will never forget. Vile
words are deal-breakers. Dont ever be deceived about that.
Making amends and asking for forgiveness can be real
detriments, allowing some to abuse others while knowing that
theyre going to do something noble or spiritual later by asking for
forgiveness. Forget amends-making and asking forgiveness.
Remove those from your repertoire so you can stop doing things
that need mending or forgiving even before you do them.


DECEPTION #13
MISTAKING RESCUE OR CHEMISTRY FOR LOVE
People can get themselves in real financial binds. One woman
had been in a financial crisis and life crisis as well. She began
looking for a rescuer and, with her looks, soon found one. She
later left that husband, sure that she was going to be making a
large salary within months. When that salary did not materialize,
she spent the next six years accumulating huge debts.

Shortly after complaining about not being able to make it, she
shifted into search mode again. Within four months, she had a
man lined up to marry. She had found another Personality Type
Two Helper/Rescuer. His chemical reaction set him up to assume
a huge debt as well as responsibility for all the bills shell
accumulate for the rest of her life. Those who know her well
assure me that love had nothing to do with it.

SOLUTION
When a chemical reaction is mistaken for love, or when one
with finesse can convince a rescuer that love has sprung, there is
seldom a solution. Unfortunately, experience is usually the only
teacher in such cases. Nothing I could write, no warnings parents
can give, no advice that the best-meaning friends often provide
will stop the full-speed-ahead approach when one thinks its love
or when one who wants to be rescued has set the hook in an
unsuspecting rescuer. (See #14 below for more clarity.)

DECEPTION #14
NOT DETECTING WHEN SOMEONE IS USING LOVE AS A
TOOL
My experience reveals that many use love as a tool while
really believing they are in love. Many men do it. Theyll use the
term indiscriminately to try to get what they want from a woman.
And many women also use the concept very effectively for their
benefit. Members of both sexes are willing to use I love you as a


tool to get what they want. Take the case of MaryJane and Frank
as proof.

Frank was suffering because his wife had left him and was
preparing to marry another man. We reviewed the events when
he first met MaryJane and we saw that her circumstances were
exactly the same then as in her current affair. When Frank met
MaryJane, she had acted impulsively and gotten her rear in a
crack. She then did what her dad and mom had programmed her
to do: she began praying for a mana rescuerto come and
save her from herself. Her dad had told her when she left home to
use her looks to find a man to take care of her. Frank admitted, I
fit the bill and fell for the looks. Then, she did what her mom
taught her: be charming and manipulate the man with love and
hell take care of you.

Next, I invited Frank to look at MaryJanes current situation. She
had acted impulsively and left him in anger. Several years later,
she had her rear in a crack again with huge debts she could not
pay. She once again began praying for a male rescuer. Frank
suddenly realized, Shes going to manipulate him with love and
be nice and charming to get her financial needs met. I said,
Bingo, Frank. Shell manipulate him with love for financial gain.
Love is a tool to her.

Frank got some peace, realizing that her leaving was not about
him and her remarrying was not about him. I asked him to
verbalize it so it would sink in. He said, She hasnt grown one bit
in twenty-six years and she hasnt changed one bit. The only
difference is that shes plugging a new man into the spot I filled for
a while as bill-payer, rescuer, and provider. Women, be
forewarned: with more of you earning income nowadays, men are
using women more and more frequently.

SOLUTION


Be awake, aware and conscious of the possible motives of
people trying to sell you anything, especially if itsthemselves.

DECEPTION #15
BELIEVING EVERYONES MOODYTHATS LIFE
Other than excessive ego, theres probably nothing that takes a
greater toll on a partner, and therefore on partnerships, than
moodiness. Just because 90% live with that crap, should you?

SOLUTION
The fact is that moodiness in not just life or just the way it is.
More and more men and women are using supplements to
stability their moods. Living with a hug-slug partner is pure BS.
Its maddening to never know if youre going to get a hug or a get
slug from your partner. Get help for moodiness. Its a pain and its
an unnecessary pain.

SELF-DECEPTIONS AND THE CONCEPT OF
CHANGE
Change is a huge obstacle to maintaining long-term
relationships because all change creates stress. All demands to
change also create stress since most mates wont meet those
demands and change. All stress is harmful to the one stressed
and to those around the one stressed.

Usually, the demand for someone to change comes when one
person wants to control another or when one person arrogantly
believes that a partner should be a philosophical clone. Many do
need to change, to grow, or to mature, but that is a process. And
it happens to be their process. A partner is generally the last
person who can facilitate any real change in another. A good
third-party counselor can help if change is really required. Often,
its not. Often, the desire to change another is rooted in arrogance
alone.


As often as not, wanting change or not wanting change is
accompanied by self-deception. Frequently, we humans deceive
ourselves, seeing what we want to see rather than seeing the
truth being presented. Even when we do see anothers truth, we
still regularly fail to see our own. So the first instances of self-
deception well cover all deal with the idea of change and how
that element hinders the ability of the parties involved to sustain a
healthy relationship.

SELF-DECEPTION #1
ILL ALTAR HIM, THEN ILL ALTER HIM
How often do brides enter into relationships while
overlooking red flags and big-time warnings? How often do they
think that the irritating traits and liabilities in their mate are merely
items on a To Do list of things to be fixed later? Mae West said,
Dont marry a man to reform him. Thats what reform schools are
for. How often do deal-breaking resentments manifest when
things obvious from the beginning do not change later on?

SOLUTION
Time to get real on this one, women. Many of your peers report
that the traits they did not like before the wedding (the ones that
they were going to eliminate) only get worse afterwards, not
better. The solution here is a preemptive strike against the
delusion that youre going to have the power to truly change
another individual. If you go to the market and buy rotten fruit,
youre not gonna be happy when you get home and see, Hey,
this fruit is rotten.

Others get home and say, Damn, I thought I was buying a
pear, but I got an apple. If you make the mistake of buying rotten
fruit, at least you can take the rotten fruit back and get a refund.
Taking rotten fruit home with a marriage license in tow is far more
complicated. Know thyself. Know thy prospect. Know the truth
about the failure rate experienced among those who think theyre


going to change another individual. Deterrence, not correction, is
the only solution here. (Of course, thats just a suggestion.)

SELF-DECEPTION #2
SHELL NEVER CHANGE
How often do grooms enter into relationships with the illusion
that the women they are marrying will be as turned on forever, as
hot-looking forever, and as pleasant forever as during the dating
process? Men can have very unrealistic views and unrealistic
expectations around this topic. One can watch the Discovery
Channel to see in nature how greatly life during the mating
season differs from the customary day-to-day existence that
follows.

While many women will change physically and mentally and
emotionally and in regards to their beliefs and desires, most men
would seem to prefer that they never gain an ounce, always be as
wild as they were during dating, come up with regular sex and
supper, and generally just not rock the boat. Are men really that
shallow? Or should the question be, Is that simply the way it is?
Either way, some conclude that men are immature sex-seekers
who never develop beyond the penile stage, that women are
more mature and like to grow and develop, or thatbottom line
both sexes need to redefine their expectations and align
themselves with reality.

At any rate, changes that arent considered desirable seem
likely to come anyway. In one case, a wonderfully-active sex life
dissolved when she saw her older aunt and uncle. He was lying
down with his head in her lap. When the wife returned home after
witnessing those two aged relatives, she was distracted and
preoccupied for days. When the husband finally made enough
inquiries for her to answer, she described the scene and said she
wanted that type relationship and was sad they didnt have that.


He said, Im 36. Those two are 80. His head was in her lap
because he cant sit up straight anymore.

He didnt put his head in her laphe just fell over. Hang with
me another forty-five years and you wont be able to get my head
out of your lap either. His response was not appreciated. He, on
the other hand, felt her request was premature. Arbitration was
indicated. She seemed to be longing for closeness and affection.
He felt his jets were being cooled in advance. An effective
counselor could have possibly led them to changes that would
have allowed them both to be a better partner and save their
marriage.

SOLUTION
Reality is not as desirable for the Romantic Type Fours like me,
but the harsh realities of living in delusion and experiencing the
effects when they blow up in your face are not so hot either.
Seeking help promptly, when the first indication of disagreement
surfaces, is advised.

SELF-DECEPTION #3
THE ANSWER TO OUR PROBLEMS IS FOR MY PARTNER
TO CHANGE
Ones personality type will never change, though a good
counselor can help one (a) integrate the asset side of the
personality type rather than the liabilities, (b) reverse a trend
toward disintegrating into the worst side of a counter personality
type, and (c) integrate the best of the counter personality type that
one can mature into. The self-deception is that one can change a
partner or that the real need is for only one partner to change.
How often does it seem that it is the woman who wants the man
to change? Remember an earlier statistic? It might shed some
light: in marriages with children, 95% of all divorces are initiated
by the woman (and most of the men are completely shocked! Or


asleep?) Either way, most men seem satisfied with their status
quo.

To have a whole and healthy relationship, each participant must
be whole and healthy. Unhealthy relationships are not usually
about the two people who form the couple. Healthy relationships
come into being when each individual involved does what is
necessary to be whole, happy and healthy mentally, physically,
emotionally, and spiritually. That improved state only results after
one follows a course of holistic treatment that addresses the
needs of the body, the mind, the emotional nature and the spirit. If
any part of an engine is not fine-tuned, the entire engine will
function improperly.

Likewise, consider the human: if any one of the four parts is out
of sync, all of the other three parts will malfunction. Imagine being
in a relationship with anyone if the mind is not right. Imagine being
in a relationship with anyone if the emotions are off and the
person never feels right. Imagine being in a relationship with
anyone if the spirit is down. Imagine being in a relationship with
anyone if the body is not working right. Sick is sick, and humans
have four chances to become real sick, either mentally,
emotionally, spiritually, or physically.

Finally, many people who dont like the way that they feel think
that theyll feel better if they can make their partner change. They
think the partner is responsible for whatever they might be feeling
that is uncomfortable. That belief is so in error that youll hear me
stress this point throughout the book: we are each responsible for
how we feel. Blaming someone else for how you feel will only
extend your misery.

SOLUTION
Your stress, your anger and the way you feel has nothing to do
with your partner. The point was made in The Twice-Stolen


Necklace Murders that You are not responsible for how she
feels. How she feels results from her genetics, her under-
functioning organs that prevent mood stability, her programming,
her childhood environment, and the belief systems that she has
adopted as her own. Her unhappiness is about her, not about
you. Get this truth and youre free. Free of what? Of blaming
someone else for the way you feel. Why would that be freeing?
Because it can be the beginning of a search that reveals the root
causes of why you feel the way you feel. Then, you can
experience a change in the way you feel by finding and treating
the real origins. Youll be able to address the real dilemma rather
than fighting to change something or someone that you cannot
change. If a partner is not the cause of the way you feel, what is?
Ill discuss the 17 things that can be the real cause.

Do you still want to try to change your partner (or stop the
already-occurring changes that you dont approve of)? Good luck.
To the rest, a viable option exists: seek individual treatment to
heal yourself mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
Such action often helps some relationships improve. In other
cases, it allows people to separate from a lifetime of living with a
mistake made under the influence of those 17 things in this
culture that drive us to do things that are not always self-
constructive.

Relationship partners are face-to-face approximately 19 hours
of the 168 hours in each week. In those relationships where the
partners are geographically separated because of work
requirements or traveling, they see even less of each other. You,
on the other hand, are with yourselfin relationship with youall
168 hours of every week. Where should each persons focus
really be in terms of who or what needs to change? Why settle for
improving 19 hours of your life each week when you can improve
the way that you experience yourself every minute of every day?


SELF-DECEPTION #4
IRRATIONALITY: READ MY LIPSI MEAN, MY MIND
Case Study: Jasmine and Philip
When they met, it was love at first sight. OK, theyd later admit
that it was the hots at first sight. Their sex life was an 11 on a
scale of 10, and they were both adventurous and open-minded.
During the early years of their marriage, they enjoyed watching
sex videos together and on occasion even made a few of their
own. Over the next years, though, that happened less and less.

Eventually, without any discussion, those activities were
completely eliminated. Other elements of a sex life that Philip
found enjoyable with Jasmine began to fade. None of those things
that she eliminated were ever discussed. Nor was there any
discussion about what the other partner might want or desire from
the mate. The sex life fell into a predictable and routine process.

Later, Jasmines demeanor began to reveal certain negative
feelings or attitudesmaybe about sex or maybe about Philip or
maybe about both. Her mindset changed about sex, and she
expected Philip to automatically behave differently, as if he could
read her mind. Their marriage ended.

Irrationality can also manifest when one partner pulls "The
Switch on the mate. One woman who loved to be in control
sought out a weak man whom she could manipulate. Twenty
years later in counseling, she admitted that he disgusted her
because he was so weak. If you want weak, be ready for weak.
Yet the instability of so many people makes that advice moot
more often than not. Happily, that instability can be eliminated,
often within a matter of months or weeks, by using the proper
combination of nutritional supplements.

The woman who sought the weak man whom she later
despised was a Type Two Personality, the types who are


susceptible to trying to help the needy. They enter relationships
with a desire to meet the needs of others. Often, they are really
trying to meet their own need to be a helper, but they are not
often in touch with that truth. Later, they feel overwhelmed by the
needy ones extreme neediness.

So, we see four other major obstacles to maintaining
relationships: (1) one party in the partnership was selling steaks,
someone agreed to buy steaks, and then the first party arbitrarily
changed what was being offered, (2) one party in the partnership
used the Bait and Switch Scam, (3) one party in the partnership
pulled The Switch because that person did not really know what
he/she wanted going in but later became more aware, (4) one
party in the partnership changes drastically.

In some cases where a change occurs that is not agreeable to
the other partner, one party can change and no immediate
discussion is undertaken to ask, Hey, whats going on here?
That change does not have to be a deal-breaker. If
communication begins, help can be found. In some cases, a
change can occur because one party deceived the other.

That is a deal-breaker. In other cases, a change occurs when
one doesnt really know herself/himself and slowly comes to an
awareness that what was believed to be desirable no longer is.
That is not a deal-breaker, necessarily. What are the odds that in
a partnership neither party will ever change preferences, won't
grow in a different direction, or won't change desires or beliefs or
mindset? Thats impossible, and such change often results in the
breaking of relationship when that is not necessary.

SOLUTION
Ever hear, We just seemed to fall out of love? Usually, its not
as much a fall as a very slow slide. The slide could stop with
communication and effective help. But many, especially those


suffering trauma who often end up paralyzed in relationships, are
too afraid to mention that they think that a slide has begun, that
they miss certain things that are disappearing, and that they want
to know whats going on. Often, problems can be treated
professionally, including problems dealing with lowered sexual
drive, reduced frequency of sex, etc. Great strides are being
made to overcome the effects of The Longevity Trick and the
problems that bodies and minds and relationships encounter as a
result of extended lengths of life and the prolonged time that
couples can spend together.

Often, the not-necessarily-desirable changes that occur come
as a result of under-functioning organs that affect attitude and
behavior. Finding treatment for that problem can save a
relationship, but it requires the one who has soured to admit that
the partner might not be the only source of the problem. It
requires an admission that ones feelings really have changed
and admitting that such changes often result not from anything
mental but from something physical. For example, a lowered sex
drive can be dismissed as He/she just doesnt turn me on
anymore.

That reduced desire can actually result from imbalances in the
body rather than on account of a partner. Ive had people say,
The problem is not with me, because so-and-so at work is turning
me on. Well, sexual adventures on the side can provide an
element of stimulation that an older sexual relationship can no
longer provide, but that doesnt mean the body is free of its need
for treatment.

When a relationship was founded in deception, however, repair
is usually impossible. Admit it if you were deceived. If you want to
seek counsel together and try to work through that deception,
cool. If not, being deceived and living with a deceiver who refuses
to mend behavior is a deal-breaker.


SELF-DECEPTION #5
FOUR ADDITIONAL VERSIONS OF "THE SWITCH":
THE SAINT TO SCOUNDREL, THE SCOUNDREL TO
SAINT, THE WHORE TO NUN, THE NUN TO WHORE
Ones personality type can integrate the best traits of one other
personality type or can disintegrate into the worst traits of one
other personality type. Ken said, I dont get it. I married a woman
who was hot as can be. She was dynamite in the bedroom, but
then she got religion and turned into a saint. She became picky
and judgmental and perfectionistic. Things I had done all along
were suddenly no longer acceptable. I married a woman who
turned into someone completely different. Ken was close to being
right in his assessment. The Hot One reformed and turned into a
nun.

In another example, Caroles husband was the perfect man, a
deacon in his church and a pillar of that community. He was saint-
like, right up until he sold his SUV and bought a sports car and
used it to drive his secretary away from both of their spouses and
families. The saint became a scoundrel.

Now people will talk about how horrible it is when saints like
Ken become scoundrels. But fewer are aware of how disgusting
whores can also be when they become nuns and how revolting
scoundrels can be when they become saints. Enneagram
research shows that people disintegrate into the worst of a
corresponding personality type under two circumstances: when
they become stressed or when they become super holy.

When people become stressed, a good counselor can often
help. When people become Religious Giants or Spiritual Giants,
theres little reasoning with them. If you suggest counseling to get
some help with the problems coming about as a result of the shift,
youll likely be dismissed as some kind of New Age Agent of


Satan. In war, we label our enemies to de-personalize them and
to make destroying them more palatable. Once a Religious or
Spiritual Giant starts labeling you, youve been de-personalized.
The destruction usually follows. Good luck. This is the dark side of
relationships.

SOLUTION
The instability that mars relationships through such extreme
shifts can be avoided when people balance out the acid-alkaline
content of their bodies and when the other chemicals had been
fine-tuned and brought into balance. When those states of
normalcy and balance exist, people are less prone to extreme
obsessing and less prone to extreme compulsive behavior. The
true cause of the shifts described above is far more complex than
a simple moral inadequacy, spiritual awakening, or sex-
motivated fling.

SELF-DECEPTION #6
SHELL NEVER LEAVESHES GOT IT TOO GOOD
Maybe the speaker hasnt seen what divorce settlements look
like, but many women know they can leave and have it very good.
(See Part Seven, Why They Leave.) The ostrich with its head in
the sand leaves his ass in a very vulnerable position. How asleep
can some be? A man learning of his wifes recent affair said,
Well, the nun has become a whore. This was the fifth affair he
knew of in ten years, but shed been a nun til this one?

Another man called to say that he was so grateful to have a
loving wife, to have finally found a faithful woman. I did not
mention her current affair or her prior affairs. And for each case of
a man in delusion, I can name as many women who are being
fooled. But with it being the woman who leaves 95% of the time,
more males are in total shock. I cant believe it! I never thought
shed leave! Idealizations (and being unawake, unaware and
unconscious) can lead to many surprises.


SOLUTION
Arrogance can leave one in a state of self-deception. Believing
someone will never leave often gives a person the assumed
right to behave in an abusive manner or to be as big an ass as
they like. There are no guarantees in relationships, but something
very close to a guarantee is this: arrogance, ego, false pride, and
narcissism destroy relationships. (Of course, thats just a
consideration!)

SELF-DECEPTION #7
I CAN GIVE HIM AS MUCH GRIEF AS I LIKEHES
GOING NOWHERE
Arrogance and ego and narcissism on the females part will be
just as destructive. He might not leave you physically, but he may
leave you mentally or emotionally.

SOLUTION
Narcissism can be diagnosed and treated by properly-trained
professionals.

SELF-DECEPTION #8
MY CACA STINKETH NOT
or
I DESERVE BETTER, AND IM GOING TO LEAVE
AND FIND A BETTER PERSON
No youre not, not according to statistics anyway. 76% of all
second marriages fail before making it to the fifth anniversary. In
cases where a marriage creates a blended family with children
from a former marriage, the failure rate is another 24% higher
than in second marriages without children involved. Among those
who make it, many report that they are hanging in because if
they fail at this one, its going to really look bad for them. (Ego
rears its head again, huh?) Most who were in second marriages
that failed report that they tried harder, a lot harder, and found it


even more frustrating, going through it all again and putting up
with even more crap than I normally would have.

Others said, I had to tolerate a lot more BS in the second
marriage in order to try to make it work. And it still failed, so Im
done. I give up. I heard a man in a counseling session say of his
wife, Shes pure scum, the worst on this planet. Then he went
on to list dozens of things wrong with her. The fact is, out of more
than 6.5 billion people, I suspect she was not the worst. But if you
live with anyone long enough, you will spot the liabilities and you
will see more faults in that person than in any othersimply
because you come to know her/him better than any other. If you
leave the scum of the earth and stay with a new mate long
enough, you might find that the previous partner was second to
being the lowest scum of the earth, the new partner taking the
place at the very bottom.

Research shows that people assessing a failed second
marriage report that if they had tried half as much in the first
marriage as they did in the second, the first one would have
worked. Second marriages can require far more effort and create
even more stress than a first marriage. Why? Second marriages
have far more complications than the first since, typically, money
problems are carried forward and the difficulties of trying to blend
his, hers, and theirs create entirely new sets of problems around
celebrations, holidays, expenses of children, etc. Additionally, if
the first marriage had younger children, one will have to deal with
a former spouse constantly for years over money issues,
visitations, school problems, etc.

Furthermore, unresolved personal issues from the first marriage
are carried into the second. Since most of those divorced believe
that their partner was largely the cause, they make no effort to
find their part and to seek help with their own relationship
liabilities. Ego again prevents growth. Theres a big difference in


humility and humiliation. Sometimes more of the first is called
for, even as the second is never justified. Excessive false pride
often does precede the fall. Arrogance provides nourishment for
the dark side of relationships.

SOLUTION
If you are in a relationship with any of the deal-breakers well
discuss, rock and roll. If those deal-breakers arent present, you
might consider weighing out the pros and cons of putting forth
more effort to make the relationship youre in work before casting
it aside and thinking that the solution is to start over fresh and find
the Real Prince Charming or the Real Ms. Right. (Of course,
thats just a suggestion!)

SELF-DECEPTION #9
THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER A FAILED RELATIONSHIP
IS TO GET RIGHT BACK ON THE HORSE
It is a self-deception to believe that problems can be eliminated
by ending one relationship and getting into a new one. Some very
insecure people even play Relationship Monkey Bars. They
dont let go of the previous relationship until they think they have a
firm grip on the next one.

SOLUTION
The fact is that all unresolved issues from prior relationships
will manifest in any subsequent relationships. Moving into a new
relationship before getting help to find out why the last one
failedand what your part was in the failurewill only lead to
more failure. (Of course, thats just a suggestion!)

OTHER RELATIONSHIP IMPEDIMENTS INVOLVING
SELF-DECEIT
SELF-DECEPTION #10
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDERS


Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is running rampart in the U.S.
culture. People obsess over other people, over cars, over houses,
and over all kinds of perceived needs. Then, they act
compulsively. Relationships fall victim as people are driven to
rush in blindly. To suggest to a couple that you cool your jets
usually seems insane to them. When one partner is in great fear
of losing the one who has fired up the seltzer and really has that
person fizzing, the last thing that person wants to hear is that you
dont have to marry everyone you think you love or you dont
have to marry the most beautiful person youve ever met or you
dont have to rush into itif its real, itll last.

Only by being treated for OCD can the tide turn in the marry-
divorce cycling. Diagnosis is often missed, but treatment is
simple. Visit www.marielachney.com for diagnosis and
treatment or use your Yellow Pages. Call local psychologists and
ask about assessment for obsessive-compulsive behavior.
Search for a psychotherapist who takes a holistic approach and
uses natural rather than synthetic treatments to correct the
imbalances that trigger OCD.

SELF-DECEPTION #11
IM GOING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN MAKE
ME
Who can make youwhat? Happy? Financially secure? Set for life?
How would you fill in the blank? The fact is, no one can be made into a truly
happy person through the efforts of a partner. And only a few will ever be
set for life via the efforts of someone else.

SOLUTION
Co-dependency and/or dependency rob people of happiness
and the vital sense of self-fulfillment. Spend some money to
schedule a few sessions with a pro to determine whether
dependency is an issue with you. No one can be happy or serene
if not free. Are there things in your life that you are allowing to rob


you of freedom? Are you forfeiting your freedom because you
believe someone else can, should, and will take care of you?

SELF-DECEPTION #12
I HAVE TO LEAVE BECAUSE THIS PERSON IS MAKING
ME UNHAPPY
If you look objectively at the world today, you will see thatat
their very core, deep down insidemost people are unhappy.
And most people are dishonest, with themselves, because they
think that the source of their unhappiness is someone or
something outside of themselves. They believe that if they could
just find the right person (or the right job or city or house or car or
whatever) then they would be happy. They are lying to
themselves.

No one is made unhappy by another, and no one is made
happy by another. Only temporary illusions of happiness, and
temporary respites from unhappiness, can come from externals.
What makes people unhappy is their programming, their
conditioning, the false beliefs and ideas and dogma adopted from
others as truth, the subconscious effects of unresolved trauma,
and their under-functioning organs that affect thinking and
emotions and behavior.

In one particular case, a woman was raised in a home where
the mom did not work outside the house. That allowed her mom
to stay home with her. It also provided an idyllic childhood for her
as her mom had the freedom to be with her. They had the
freedom to go when they wanted and where they wanted. They
had the money to do whatever they wanted.

When the woman had her own child and soon went back to
work, she began to blame her husband for not making her happy.
After time and effort with a good counselor, she uncovered the
real source of her discontentment: she was resentful that her


husband had not created a mirror image of the home she grew up
in. She wanted to be able to stay home with her child. She wanted
an idyllic time with her child and the freedom to be with her. She
wanted the freedom to go when she wanted and where she
wanted with the child. She wanted the money to do whatever she
and the child wanted without her having to work. Her husband
was not making her miserable. Her conditioning that left her with
the message that there is one right way to do things set her up for
rigidity, inflexibility, and misery.

Secondly, her conditioning was affecting her in a related
fashion. I asked, Do you really need a five-bedroom home for the
three of you? She asked, What are you getting at? I replied,
Youve said all of your check goes toward the house note and the
expenses of operating the house. If you want to stay home and
not work, would you be willing to downsize and move into a three-
bedroom home that is cheaper?

The look I got would only have been appropriate if Id ask her to
donate both her legs to the Appendages for Torsos Program.
Natural living for 13.5 million years did not involve low-cost
housing but was characterized by no-cost housing instead. Since
there arent enough free caves for all of us anymore, the freedom
that our ancestors enjoyed can only be approached through
finding the lowest cost housing possible. In most cases, people do
not own their houses; instead, their houses own them. We do not
serve ourselves well by emulating the 5% who seem to be
infinitely wealthy. And we do not have to re-create our childhood
circumstances exactly in order to be content.

SOLUTION
Programming and conditioning during childhood can make for
misery in adult relationships. Dependency guarantees that youll
never be satisfied. It also means that no one can make you
happy, and that is good news. Knowing that truth means that you


are free to enrich your own life in a way that does satisfy you and
fulfill you. Then you can stop expecting and demanding that
someone else do that for you. Make your life good enough
yourself. Take responsibility and avoid dependencies. What does
that mean? How does one transfer that suggestion from the page
to reality? Consider the notion of there being A Whole You, A
Whole Partner and then the area where those two occasionally
overlap to make A Couple. Consider the trap of Magic Marriage
Math that prevents individuals in a relationship from feeling free,
independent, and whole.

SELF-DECEPTION #13
MAGIC MARRIAGE MATH
The bride and groom approach three candles on a gold-plated
stand. The two smaller candles on the outside are burning, one
representing the bride and one representing the groom. They
each take the respective candle and light the larger center candle
which represents their new condition. Then simultaneously they
blow out the individual candles that had represented each of
them. And in the act, Magic Marriage Math has occurred: 1 + 1
now equals1. 1?!! How do two become one? Do each give up
half of who they were? Does one give up all of what she/he was?

SOLUTION
In a healthy relationship, each party is whole and complete. She
is whole; he is whole. And then their paths cross and they do
some things together. That overlapping of a whole her and a
whole him can rightly be called them, but neither individual
need disappear in order for the themtheir shared
experiencesto manifest. 1 + 1 = 2. Two can overlap without
losing their original identities and uniqueness. If one is in a
relationship where he/she cannot be whole and complete, then a
healthy relationship cannot exist. By definition, a relationship
occurs when a person is associated with another person. To be
associated does not mean that one has to become the other


person; it does not mean one must internalize the others;
associations occur when two or more meet, connect for a time,
and then go about living their whole and complete lives. (Of
course, thats just a suggestion!)

SELF-DECEPTION #14
APPLIED TOLERANCE VS. THEORETICAL
TOLERANCE
or,
YES, I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING TOLERANT AND
PATIENT, BUT I DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT
BULLSHIT!
Sometimes, that which one thinks should not be tolerated might
truly be bullshit, but sometimes its not. Just because someone
has different beliefs from yours or a different way of looking at
things from the way you see things does not constitute bullshit.
Because of the 17 things that drive people, this culture and the
people in it have become some of the most judgmental, arrogant,
and intolerant people in history.

SOLUTION
In my novel The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders, I address
the issue. The solution is there for consideration: His lesson in
Applied Tolerance came during time spent with Grandmother and
his grandfather. They modeled such tolerance perfectly. The
grandfather went to church every Sunday, serving as the choir
director; Grandmother went into the woods every Sunday,
exercising some kind of communion of her own. They never
questioned the others practice; they never challenged the others
beliefs; they never tried to change the other. They did what they
did separately and felt just fine; and they did what they did
together and felt just fine. Applied Tolerance. No judging. Total
acceptance. Unconditional Love.


SELF-DECEPTION #15
HEARING DIFFICULTIES
He said by his actions and history that, if she would marry him,
he would be a domineering ass and treat her like property. She
heard, Ill provide for you lovingly all your life.

She said by her actions and her history that what Im capable
of doing, and what Ive always done in past relationships with
men, is this: I rip off mens testicles and then I juggle them
mockingly in their face. But he heard, I am a soft and kind
person who will love you gently and care for you tenderly until the
end of time.

He said, My games with my buddies are my life, but Ill
squeeze in time for sex with you. She heard, I shall never leave
your side, ever. You will be my entire life.

He heard, I pray regularly, so Im a godly woman, and he
idealized her based on that testimony. She later said, I have
prayed every day for a year that you would die.

She said, Yes, Im involved in an adulterous affair with a
married man, but I am weak so I prayed to God that Hed send a
good man like you to get me out of this mess. He heard, Wow!
She prays to God. What a wonderful person she must be! This is
the dark side of relationships, but there is a chance for light.

SOLUTION
Pause. Ask if you have ever ignored all the signals that were
laid out clearly for you. Do you think that a persons past behavior
will never re-occur in the future, especially if someone says
she/he has changed and will never do that again? I fell for that
one. My own experience shows that such fanciful thinking is very
costly.


SELF-DECEPTION #16
BROKEN PICKERS
Is there a possibility that you have a broken picker? A healthy
picker is evident when you have a history of forming alliances with
people who are honest, mentally and emotionally healthy,
generous, enthusiastic, peaceful, adaptable, ethical, reliable,
productive, wise, orderly, disciplined, energetic, warm,
compassionate, supportive, refined, sensitive, objective, loyal,
responsible, open-minded and patient.

Take any relationships that ended and see how many of those
traits were missing from the people you chose to have
relationships with. If the majority of the people you are in
relationship with now (or were in relationship with in the past) did
not have a majority of those traits, you have a broken picker.

The U.S. is currently split 50:50 in the areas of politics, religion,
philosophy, and extremist right-wing vs. left-wing ideology. For
hardliners and those who are less tolerant, 50% of the prospects
you meet might prove unacceptable to you. In terms of personality
compatibility, youre going to be most compatible with only 2 out
of 9 people and then slightly compatible or not at all compatible
with the rest. To know thyself and to know your prospect or
partner is becoming more and more vital in this culture. More than
ever before people need to be certain that their pickers are
functioning properly.

SOLUTION
Broken pickers are typical in people who have suffered varying
degrees of trauma which have never been discussed with a
professional and which have therefore never been resolved. Most
people deny that they are suffering from any trauma. Those who
admit that they did have some traumatic experiences often claim


that the effects are gone. People in either group might benefit
from working with a professional to find out if that is true or not.

SELF-DECEPTION #17
EMOTIONAL INTOXICATION
How many disastrous things have occurred in this culture as a
result of people operating under the influence of something that
impairs their thinking and behavior and performance? How many
tragedies can be recounted as a result of people being physically
intoxicated? We might also ask how many tragedies are occurring
every day because people are emotionally intoxicated. How about
mentally intoxicated? How about spiritually intoxicated?

We know the things that can cause physical intoxication. Are
you aware of the things that can cause emotional or mental
intoxication? Did you know that we often blame the mind or the
brain for many feelings and behavior that are actually rooted in
under-functioning organs and chemical imbalances? It is not in
the scope of this book to teach all that is required for healing in
those areas and eliminating mental and emotional intoxication,
but a solution is available. (A fuller discussion is available in the
book A Twelve-Step Journey to SELF-Transformation.)

SOLUTION
Sorry I cant help with spiritual intoxication, but there are de-
programmers available who can help people get free of the
effects of that illness too; however, you will be well-served to take
fifteen minutes to learn the causes and cures for mental and
emotional intoxication. Visit www.marielachney.com and read
the FAQsthe answers to frequently asked questions about the
links between body and mind that cause restlessness, irritability,
discontentment, suffering from OCD, the experiencing of mood
swings and sexual dysfunction, irrationality and even having little
ability to differentiate the true from the false. Do what is necessary
to stay mentally and emotionally sober and youll find yourself


entering into healthier relationships and improving the ones youre
in (or getting out of the dangerous ones that you might currently
be stuck in.)

SELF-DECEPTION #18
THE FAULTY-PERSPECTIVE PROBLEM
or,
I HAVE IT BAD AND OTHERS HAVE IT SO MUCH
BETTER
Her effusive smile was surrounded by large lips and the too-
tanned skin of her face. The years of struggling in the sun to
survive in the remote jungle where she lived had taken their toll.
But what a smile! Ive never seen one grander. And what had
happened to result in this woman being happier than any woman
Ive ever known? Her children had just sent her a cow.

What?! A cow? Yep, a cow. Now, she would not have to toil as
much in the sun to sustain herself. Now she would actually have
enough to live on forever. She would no longer have to walk miles
to find something to eat that might sustain her life for one more
day or to find pure water to drink. If worse came to worse, she
could still survive on milk and butter and cheese alone.

How does your life compare? Is it time to assess objectively
what you do have in your current relationship? Is it time to get
real about how good you have it? If you dont have it that good,
dont let anyone stop you from hauling booty, but I cannot count
how many have told me over the years, I really did have it good
or I really did have it made or Looking back, I really did have it
all. I just was not satisfied or I blamed my mate for the
emptiness inside me that I didnt do anything about.

Do you have it better than the woman with nothing but a cow? If
you do, might things in your life be improved with less criticism of


a mate or your lifes circumstances? Why dare I even ask
anything so preposterous?

There were times in my life when I was not as good as I thought
I was. There have been times since when I was not really as bad
as I thought. There have been times when I was not as important
as I thought. There have been times when I was not as
insignificant as I thought. How about you? Both individuals and
relationships are destroyed by the guilt and remorse and
depression that accompany low self-esteem, and both individuals
and relationships have been destroyed by the ingratitude that
follows excessive ego. The latter seems to be the villain more
often than not in the U.S. So how about a realistic status check
and gratitude check?

87% of the children of the world go to bed hungry. When was
the last time you did that? When was the last time you did that
two nights in a row? When was the last time you thought about
the fact that All-You-Can-Eat is a concept that no other place in
the world except the U.S. could even fathom? How good or bad
do you really have it? Make a list, I suggest. Are you better off
with the person youre with, or not? If not, leave. But if youre
really better off, would more gratitude be in order? (Thats just a
suggestion, of course! Ha.) Now I know, Floyd, how dare you let
me pay for a book and then speak so rudely to me. My sincerest
apologies. Please read on and know that for those in relationships
that really should end, Ill offer some suggestions for them.

A CLEARER PERSPECTIVE:
WHATS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE?
Pretend that youre eighty. Youve seen a great deal, youve
done a great deal, youve searched a lot, youve learned a lot, you
have gained perspective, and now you have grandchildren in
college. One is about to graduate from college and is ready to go
forth into the world. Respecting the wisdom that you have gained


in eight decades of walking this earth, she comes to you and
asks:

Grandmother, as you look back over all your experiences and
all that you have come to see in your life, I want you to tell me
something. One of my professors said that, ultimately, there is
only one thing in life that is worth doing. If thats true, what would
you say that one thing is?

If you find an answer that applies to you, might that change
your focus in your current relationship or in your goals for any
future relationships? Might some things that seem big be reduced
to proper proportion? Might a new and healthier and more
peaceful perspective come into being?

SELF-DECEPTION #19
I WAS SHOPPING FOR CHAMPAGNE AND HIS PACKAGING
WAS SO NICE THAT I DIDNT NOTICE HE WAS BEER
Nuff said?
SOLUTION
Since the chance that all others will be totally honest and open
are rare, and since the prospect of anyone always being able to
see through an image is rare, an objective method for finding
what lies below the exterior appearance has been presented.
Again, a few hours and a few dollars are minimal compared to
years of misery and expense.

SELF-DECEPTION #20
WORKING FOR ATTABOYS
Or
GOOD DOGGIE! NOW LIE DOWN AT MY FEET
Those who never got their strokes as a child can become
dependent on a spouse to provide the childhood strokes that were
not provided by mom or dad. The Im-a-good-dog-so-pet-me


game is an interesting pastime to some early on in relationships.
Type Twos, for example, love the game. But they do get tired of it,
and when they turn, they turn with great hostility.

SOLUTION
In the phrase Self-Esteem, the key word is not esteem but is,
instead, Self.

SELF-DECEPTION #21
I DONT NEED TO KNOW ANY MORE ABOUT
MYSELF IN ORDER TO CREATE HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIPS
Certain personality types hold onto resentments longer than
others. In a relationship, youre going to be irritated or offended,
making maintenance of a healthy relationship more difficult.

SOLUTION
If you know up front that youre the type to hold onto
resentments, there are tools for reducing stress and anger and
learning to move on after offense. Some of those tools require the
neutralizing of ego. Being forewarned, you might be more likely to
accept your truth: that you are of a personality type that must be
prepared to do more work to create a healthy relationship than the
next person who just seems to stay in harmony naturally.

Some personality matchups require little effort; some require
more effort from one than from another; and some require great
effort from both parties if the relationship is to last and be healthy.
The focus must be on improving self, seeing the assets of ones
personality type, and reducing the impact of all potential liabilities.
That is an impossible task if one does not take the effort to know
himself/herself.

SELF-DECEPTION #22


IM READY TO GET MARRIED
We were sitting in a small room near our workplace and having
lunch. Then, one woman announced, Im ready to get married. A
second answered, You know, I was thinking about that
yesterday. I am, too. I said, I didnt think either of you were even
dating anyone. Both replied that they were not. I thought,
Interesting. I thought people were ready to marry when they had
dated for a time, felt they loved each other, had looked at the
prospect of a lifetime with the other, and decided that was for
them. Can you be ready to marry someone if they are not even in
your life?

Were the two women ready to marry, or were they ready for
what they believed the payoff would be? They soon revealed the
answer, even without my asking. One said, Im sick and tired of
having to fix everything in the house thats breaking down. The
other agreed. So what they were saying is, Im ready to get a
repairman, some perks, and some benefits. Im tired of solving all
the problems that are coming up and want someone else to do it.
They werent really ready to get marriedthey were ready to hire
a repairman. But the programming in this culture led them to a
different conclusion.

Nowadays, being driven by ulterior motives can sabotage the
possibility of forming any healthy alliance. In the old days, Whoo
had some motives and love was not one of them. Her initial
attraction to Ahhh was chemical. There was also a maternal drive
that was already beginning to manifest even at her young age.
Too, there was an element of history driving her: she had seen
that her mom had serious problems when Whoos dad died young
and there was no brother-in-law or anyone else to care for her.

She had also seen women attacked when the men were gone
on hunting trips. She knew too that she could not raise newborns
alone. Witnessing those experiences inspired her to form an


alliance with a man who could provide some sense of security
against predators of all kinds. In spite of the fact that the concept
of love did not exist in their day and in spite of the fact that they
were aligning with self-serving motives, Whoo and Ahhh made it
together just fine. Why? They never claimed that they were
marrying for love, so they didnt BS themselves and others.
Never having BSd themselves or others, they never began to
believe their own BS and then experience offense over a partners
shortcomings or falling short of expectations.
Marry for love? Cool. Marry for perks. Whatever. The key
seems to be honesty as opposed to the merit of motives.

SOLUTION
The women who claimed they were ready to get married
thought insane my view that one needed to be in a relationship
before she/he could be ready to marry. Others who have heard
the idea since have thought my restriction insane. If they say
theyre ready to get married, then they are ready. Both of those
women married within a year since we create our circumstances
through thought that becomes word and through word that
becomes deed. They said it so they made it manifest. They both
divorced within the second year.

The suggested solution, therefore, is offering this warning to
any potential prospects that come across such thinkers: Beware.
Explore. Find motive. And to men and women who agree with the
type of thinking that the two women showed, good luck.

SELF-DECEPTION #23
I CAN TOO CONTROL THIS PERSON AND THINGS
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP
One might get away with controlling a mate in the fashion that a
parent controls a child, but eventually most children grow up and
leave home. If a partner has not left physically as a result of a


mates obnoxious efforts to control, that partner might have
already left mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Either way, your
partner is gone. Consider this:

MARRIAGE MICROCOSM
Could this be a one-night mini-version of what years of a
relationship might look like? Two people meet and a chemical
reaction is set into motion. The attraction is powerful. They go to
the mans home where they will spend a few hours together.
During the first fifteen minutes, they talk. Words are coming out of
their mouths, but no depth or truth accompanies the words;
therefore, they dont really get to know each other. Images are
being maintained. Over the next fifteen minutes, they make out.
They end up having sex for thirty minutes. Thus ends the first
hour (which might well represent the first few years for some and
the first twenty years for others).

During the next hour, they begin to talk in more depth and find
they really have nothing in common. They begin to argue and find
that their compatibility in bed has no counterpart outside the bed.
Soon, they alienate each other and she tries to leave. He stops
her and locks her in the closet, imprisoning her. Now, the question
for him is, OK, Mr. Control Freak, youve got her physically
present under your roof.

But how good is that? The sex early on was good, but the rest
of the relationship was not. Are you going to keep trying to force
her to love you? To have more sex with you? Cant you be mature
enough and sane enough and normal enough to say, OK, part of
it was good for both of us for a time, but part of it is not good at
all. Maybe I need to let her go. Maybe I need to admit that trying
to control might keep her here but whatever we would have, even
if she stays, is going to be really sick.

SELF-DECEPTION #24


HIDING THINGS FROM YOUR PARTNER
He thought things were fine, then discovered she had four
maxed-out credit cards. She had emptied savings accounts and
run up other huge debts. His secret involved his girlfriends on the
side. They think they have a marriage. People can live under the
same roof long after they have left each other.

SELF-DECEPTION #25
MY PARTNER AND I LOVE SHARING OUR
DRUG/ALCOHOL USE
Substance abuse is one of the leading causes of relationship
problems, and having trouble in personal relationships is one of
the key indicators of substance abuse. 1 out of 2 drinkers will
develop a problem with alcohol. Add in other abused substances
and a 75-95% chance exists for being with an addictive mate.
Negative effects will manifest because those with an addictive
personality abuse others while believing they are the victims.

SOLUTION
Therapists have tests that can measure and report an addictive-
personality-disorder-rate. Most with an addictive personality are in
denial that they have a problem or that their use is adversely
impacting their relationships, but if deep inside youre getting a
clue about yourself or a partner, seek help. Addictions are rarely
overcome alone and they are always progressive. They always
get worse. Identify and admit early on.

FINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT PREVENTIVE ACTION
Shakespeare said, This above all: To thine own SELF be
TRUE and it must follow, as the night the day, thy canst not then
be false to any man. I probably wasted a lot of ink by suggesting
that some might benefit from taking preventive steps to avoid
problems rather than spending months or years trying to solve
problems and by suggesting that people consider seeking an


internal solution rather than assigning blame for their problems to
something or someone outside themselves. Most will refuse. For
those who follow the course, though, healthier and more peaceful
relationships can result.


PART SEVEN
Problems
&
Solutions
Once in a Marriage
or
Relationship


FIRST OFF, SOME MARRIAGES / RELATIONSHIPS
SHOULD END

Headline! Headline! Read All About It!
(Here are some actual headlines from newspapers):

History of Domestic Violence Leads to Murder-
Suicide

Wealthy Businessman Accused of Murder-for-Hire
Scheme

Wife Kills Cheating Husband by Driving over Him
Three Times with Her Car

DA Refuses to Bring Attempted-Murder Charges
against Wife Who Prayed for a Year That Her Husband
Would Die

OK, that last one was on a personal note, but the other
headlines were real. The point is that some marriages should
end if either partner is suffering recurring instances of physical
danger or any form of abuse. If any form of abuse is occurring
including mental, emotional or spiritual abusethen action is
called for. Often, a professional might be effective in helping to
create a healthy relationship, but danger and abuse are deal-
breakers.


Why do some stay in abusive relationships? My friend Marie
talks about a baby that had been burned repeatedly with
cigarettes by an abusive mother. When the social workers came
to take the child away, it took three workers to break the clinging
child free of the mom. Even though she had abused the child
unmercifully, the child wanted to stay with the harmful mom. We
can be like the child. A woman said things more abusive to me
than most can even imagine, but I wanted to stay with her. That is
sick. In any case where any form of abuse is going on,
professional help should be sought.

Also, as mentioned earlier, some people made such poor
choices in partner selection that they find they have made a real
mistake. Should one have to live forever with the consequences
of such a mistake? Other times, the desire to break relationship is
just a result of an angry reaction in a given moment, but
sometimes its the indicated solution. Professionals can help one
separate the true from the false. A need for a second or third
opinion might be indicated. A well-trained psychologist or
marriage counselor can help you determine if you (a) married
someone with quirks or irritating habits that can be eliminated with
counseling or (b) married a sociopath.

WHEN YOU MARRY A SOCIOPATH
Some marriages must end when a sociopath is involved. In
many harsh Anglo-Saxon culturesand in other cultures as
wellsociopathy can appear to be the norm and thus is often not
seen for what it really is. In our book A Twelve-Step Journey to
SELF-Transformation, Mark and I wrote: sociopaths are
defined as people suffering from a mental disorder that causes
them to treat others in an irresponsible, harmful way; people who
do things that hurt others, either physically or psychologically;
people who cannot tell right from wrong, true from false, and thus
cannot function in society.


Of the 38% of the married people who have not yet divorced
and also among the 62% who havemost in both groups are
probably saying, My gosh! That definition of a sociopath
describes my spouse, exactly! Again, your prejudices might be at
work; on the other hand, your skills at perceptions might also be
kicking in. Before you label, I would again recommend involving a
professional who can make a proper diagnosis. And dont rejoice
over finding a criticism in writing that you think is nailing your mate
since there is bad news for you if youre right about your
suspicions. Why? Because those who are attracted to a sociopath
often are suffering from their own mental illness called
masochism.

Of those people, Mark and I wrote, Masochists are defined as
people suffering from a mental disorder that causes them either
to hurt themselves or to allow others to hurt themand to tolerate
all sorts of harmful things either physically or psychologically
especially if they can attain sexual pleasure in the process. How
many of us put up with harmful words and behaviors and other
costly things because the person giving us all that grief at least
gave us sexual pleasure?

So, some marriages with really sick things going on within them
should end. Here are some Deal-Breakers that are not up for
negotiation:

DEAL-BREAKERS
You are in danger when around your mate.
(Haul your ass.)

You are abused when around your mate.
(Haul your ass.)


Your mate refuses to get help to eliminate recurring
problems that are not dangerous or abusive but that do need
addressing.
(Insist that the mate join you in getting professional help, or haul
your ass.)

Your mate has violated certain basic agreements youve
made with each other.
(Insist that the mate join you in getting professional help, or haul
your ass.)

Your mate has done something to prove that he/she is
batshit crazy.

(For example, your mate is picked up for exposing himself to
little children; or, you see on the evening news a report that the
junior high school teacher that youre married to was arrested for
having an affair with one of her 12-year old students. Support the
mate if you want, but Id suggest you go ahead and haul your ass.
Counselors can help some people who are just crazy, but little will
ever change for those who have reached a Batshit Level of
madness. )

AND THE NUMBER ONE DEAL-BREAKER OF ALL:
Couples arent taking the steps to address the internal
issues that make them feel and behave in ways that
sabotage relationships
Ill offer ways to address the issues, most of which can be
treated via the use of dietary supplements and professional
counseling. What are the issues? Research shows that more
people in the U.S. today are suffering the following at a higher
rate than at any other time in recorded history: organic
depression, situational depression, anxiety and hypertension,
obsessive thinking, impulsive behaviors, addictive personalities,


stress, post-traumatic-stress-syndrome, sleep and eating
disorders, schizophrenia, phobias, and serotonin and dopamine
deficiencies. Who in the hell could be successful in a relationship
when bringing any of that mix of liabilities to the table? And who in
the hell could tolerate being in a relationship for any extended
length of time with anyone suffering from any or all of that? The
solution will be offered. If ignored, the chances are almost
nonexistent for forming a long-term, healthy relationship. This is
the dark side of relationships.

EDUCATIONAL INCOMPATIBILITY BY RELIGION
Two areas where compatibility problems can develop into Deal-
Breakers involve religion and education. I have seen first hand
that religion can break up relationships. For example, two
Catholics marry. One remains at the same level for a lifetime,
never growing beyond the dogma. Another begins to grow and
develop a personal ideology that frees that person of the dogma.
The end is often near. In another case, a wild woman really
flicked her mates switch until she became a religious giant.
Suddenly, he was not good enough for her and she left.

Admittedly, research has shown that incompatibility in
educational levels between partners is often a Deal-Breaker.
Divorce chances increase with each level of separation by
educational degree. For example, if one partner has a high school
diploma and the other doesnt, the chances of divorce are twice
as high. Or if one partner has a high school diploma and the other
has a college degree, the chances of divorce are twice as high.

If one partner has a high school diploma and the other has a
Masters Degree, the chances of divorce are four times greater.
And if one partner has a high school diploma and the other has a
doctorate, the chances of divorce are eight times above normal.
A third Deal-Breaker sometimes manifests when religion and
lack of education occur together. Sociological studies indicate that


religious affiliation and educational levels reveal some distinct
patterns. People in all religions were not available for testing, but
among those claiming a religious affiliation, a ranking by
educational level also was revealed:

The Jewish had the highest educational level. In order after that
came the Episcopaliansranked second in level of formal
education. Below them, in descending order of level of education
were: Presbyterians, then Methodists, then Lutherans, then
Catholics, Baptists, Mormons, Pentecostals and then Jehovahs
Witnesses.

What conclusions can be drawn from that data? Its entirely up
to you. The odds against having a long-term, healthy marriage in
this culture are not good. Are you interested in putting the odds in
your favor? Arent the risks great enough to demand being diligent
in relationship matters? By paying attention to educational levels
and the impact that religion can have, one can give
herself/himself an advantage.

ON THE OTHER HAND, SOME MARRIAGES /
RELATIONSHIPS NEED NOT END
So, you think that youve lived together long enough to learn
every rotten and obnoxious trait that your mate can display. (You
might not know this, but your mate might feel the same way. Ha!
Sorry to mention that. Its probably not true at all. No, Im sure its
not true. Now, can we go on?)

Being able to take a mates inventory and list all the things
wrong with that person are surely grounds for leaving and
beginning a new search for a better partner than your current one,
right? Actually, maybe not. Is it possible that you can leave,
search and find, only to see a short time later that the new mate
has as many flaws as the prior mate? No one can reach what is
considered a legal age in this country without picking up all sorts


of baggage that most would deem undesirable by others. Get
under the same roof for a time and you will get past the image
and see the garbage.

My wife is a bitch, he told me as the couple sat in my living
room. Maybe I am, she answered, but youre a total bastard.
My response: From what Ive been able to see, youre both right.
People can be real asses. The more you get to know someone,
the more of their ass-ness you should see if you at all observant.
And the more you get to know yourself, the more of your own ass-
ness you might see. Why not get some help to improve?

Only someone concluding that he/she is perfect would see no
need for improvement. For those ready to leave a bitch or a
bastard, know that there are millions more of the same waiting out
there for you.

Is the answer to leave time and again, or might there be enough
good about the relationship youre in to try to salvage it? I have
said, When its over, its over; however, what if that means that
one stage of the relationship is over and now you can move on
and build something different but nevertheless healthy? If a mate
has flaws, good counselors can often help shift a person away
from the negative liabilities that all personality types have and
toward the positive traits that every personality type can manifest.
So lets consider some scenarios that might appear to be Deal-
Breakers but arent, necessarily.

NOT DEAL-BREAKERS
Your mate can be a real pain-in-the-ass at times? Sorry,
thats not a Deal-Breaker.
(Who cant be a pain-in-the-ass at times? Is it possible that you
can be a pain-in-the-ass at times, also? Radical, huh?)


Your mate doesnt think, feel and believe exactly the
way you think, feel and believe? Sorry, thats not a
Deal-Breaker.
(Variety is eliminated when clones co-habit. Boredom abounds
without diversity. Only arrogant people or control freaks demand a
partner mirror them.)

Your mate is boring? Sorry, thats not a Deal-Breaker.
(If you think your mate is boring, you are saying that you are
bored. And if you are admitting that you are bored, that is not your
mates fault. Your mate is not your personal entertainment
center. Youre projecting. Go find something of interest and add it
to your life. Be responsible for yourself and free yourself of
boredom. That does not require getting a divorce.)

Your mate is not a perfect clone of you? Sorry, thats
not a Deal-Breaker.
(Only one living under the influence of an enormous ego would
believe that everyone should be just like him or her.)

Your mate is not meeting your needs? Sorry, thats
not a Deal-Breaker.
(First of all, most needs are merely perceived, not real. Many
childhood needs werent met, and now theres an expectation that
a mate must meet your childhood needs. Sometimes, individuals
have needs but they must meet their own needs. Mates are not
servants. Conversely, why not try to be as helpful a mate as
possible. Both should seek professional help in these
circumstances.)

TREATABLE IRRITANTS
There are some things that are legitimately irritating but might
not be Deal-Breakers. Your mate makes you walk on egg shells,
creates fear of abandonment, displays moodiness, is unstable,


and cant tell true from false. Those dont have to be Deal-
Breakers. You say, What?! Are you out of your mind, Floyd?
Those are definitely Deal-Breakers. Nope, not necessarily.
Those conditions are all treatable and can be eliminated but I
would agree that you have the right to insist that the mate joins
you in getting help. If the mate refuses, then haul your ass. Now,
well continue to look at other problems and potential solutions
once people are already in a marriage or relationship:

OUR CULTURE PRODUCES FAR MORE SUICIDE
BOMBERS THAN THE REST OF THE WORLD
Youre nuts! the wife screamed. Im nuts? Youre a raving
lunatic! the husband answered. While she thinks shes right and
he thinks hes right, sadly, they are both right. Insane behavior is
destroying relationships. For millions of years, humans were bent
on self-protection. How do we know? They survived. We, their
progeny, are here as proof.

But a major shift has occurred. While a time once existed when
most humans were bent on self-preservation, the majority today
are bent on self-destruction. If one is willing to self-destruct, how
dedicated would that person be to preserving anyone else, much
less a relationship? Far too many relationships have one or more
parties that have strapped bombs onto their chests and are ready
to self-destruct and take the relationship and others down with
them.

Have you seen evidence of the degree of self-destructive
behavior in the world today? Humans have shifted from living
naturally to living unnaturally as a result of many causes,
including under-nourished organs that adversely affect mood and
behavior; greater trauma being suffered among the population but
not being resolved; and an explosion of divisive concepts that are
debated endlessly. Back to our historical model:


The ancient ancestors did not expose their bodies to unnatural,
manufactured, or scientifically manipulated foods. Any ill effects
that their diet may have had on their psyche did not have time to
impact them since they lived such a short life span. They did not
suffer the insane effects of trauma that came about as a result of
being raised in dysfunctional families that were plagued with
alcoholism, chronic drug abuse, employment woes, financial
fights, and a plethora of other crises facing people in the
developed world today. And more importantly, they did not have
the modern concepts that plague our culture.

Only if the ego is set aside, allowing people to admit they dont
have all the answers, might they see what is leading them to
destruction: namely, the influences from parents, partners,
preachers, priests, politicians, employers, and fellow workers. All
those and more are empowered to drive us if we dedicate
ourselves to being what others want us to be and to behaving the
way they want us to believe and behave. And if people are driven,
they will have no choice about where they will be taken.

There is a holistic solution that will be offered which can
address the mental issues that drive the destructive behavior in
this culture as well as suggested solutions for the influence that
under-functioning organs have on contributing to our problems.

POWERLESS AS A RESULT OF DRIVES
Have you divorced? Do you have a series of failed
relationships? I have good news and bad news: its not your fault.
Thats good news if it finally frees you of the guilt and remorse
after you understand what was driving you. Its bad in terms of
seeing just how much we are up against in this culture that is the
real culprit.

So what are we up against? We are up against things that are
driving us unconsciously to feel and behave as we do. If you are


being driven, then you are in the passenger seat or the backseat,
but youre not in the drivers seat. Anything that drives you takes
away your own control and power. It removes free will and the
ability to make conscious choices and stick to them. In that state,
one cannot be in a healthy relationship with Self, much less with
anyone else.

People who are under the influence of any of the following do
not always have the ability to control the way they feel, behave,
think, react, and interact with others. Here are the 17 things that
make people do some of the things that they do. Circle the ones
you admit might apply:

1. Conditioning and Programming (by):
***parents
***preachers/priests/gurus
***teachers
***friends
***cultural influences
***politicians
***advertisers
***media
***employers and / or job impact
***customers
***the community

SOLUTION
After discussing the current divorce rate in a seminar, one
participant said, Floyd, you sound shocked by the 62% divorce
rate. I answered, I am. Considering the 17 things that are driving
most people in this culture, I would expect the divorce rate to be
100%.


You are not responsible for the conditioning and programming
that have wired your brain in ways that result in behaviors that are
not always in your best interests or in the best interests of those
you are in relationship with. Nor are you responsible for the
conditioning and programming that can prevent your experiencing
serenity and calm most of the time. You can be responsible for
taking the action to have your condition treated in order to live
with more serenity and in ways that are self-constructive rather
than self-destructive.

2. Internalizing Mates / Parents
Bill internalized his father, a real macho-type. In his marriage,
his wife was actually married to Bills father, to (in her words)
Bills obnoxious father.

In another relationship, Joanne had internalized her father,
though he had abused her physically, mentally and emotionally.
As with all who are suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome, she
sided with her abuser and eventually became an abuser. Her
husband said that she was a heavy-toll ball-breaker. He told her,
You were abused by a man and because you were a child you
could not kick him in the nuts like he deserved.

But once you were old enough, you began kicking men in the
nuts and you havent stopped since. You admit that you have
sometimes done it with a vile tongue and you have sometimes
done it with charm as you criticized me during our we-need-to-
talk sessions. But whether mean or kind, your words and
criticisms cut like a knife. You abused me humorously, mockingly,
financially, emotionally, critically, mentally, and spiritually. I was
not your father. I was not the man who deserved to have his balls
busted. That was your dad, but because you think its your
Christian duty to forgive him before processing the harm that he
did to you, you still have all the repressed anger towards him
inside you. Then you project it onto the men who cross your path.


We know that people internalize the stronger parent, the one
that appeared to be in control and to have power. Yet the very act
of internalizing another human prevents our knowing who we are.
A Type One child might mimic a Type Eight parent. The Type One
child, not being true to its own unique personality type, will be
frustrated for life. Similarly, some people internalize their mates,
losing their own identity but taking on all the beliefs of the mate
out of fear of abandonment or merely out of a tendency to
acquiesce.
SOLUTION
Know thyself. Several books are available to guide you to that
awareness, including The Essence of the Teachings, A Twelve-
Step Journey to SELF-Transformation, the accompanying
Meditation Guides, and The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders.
All can be ordered from the website provided at the end of this
volume.

3. Under-Functioning Organs
The problems have been referenced throughout and a website
is offered for you to learn even more.
SOLUTION
The negative effects of under-functioning organs were
discussed in The Life of Ahhh and Whoo. Under-functioning
organs cause more harm to relationships than any other single
factor. For specifics, read FAQs at www.marielachney.com.

4. Archetypes and Genetics
Archetypes are the primordial images stored in the collective
unconscious of the mind, as Jung explained. They are the
unconscious images that are there, passed down for millions of
years and expressed as dreams and myths and preferences and
automatic responses. They are the signals from millions of
ancestors that are passed down in an effort to share with us that
which they experienced which led to survival. (Fore example, to
look over the edge of a tall building can elicit a spontaneous


responsethat jump in the stomach that is a warning to back
up. One need not fall from a height and die since the ancestors
have passed to us a warning system.) The collective unconscious
is like a computer, set up to run on its own, once it is
programmed. Genetics also play a key role in determining the
way we feel and behave. Organic depression can be inherited; a
tendency toward alcoholism can be inherited; many other things
that appear to be chosen behaviors are not chosen at all.

SOLUTION
Attain an awareness of what is driving you subconsciously.
Archetypes are another form of programming that can lead us
toward survival but that can also lead to destruction. Some urges
are primal and natural, but they are counterproductive to survival
in the current reality. (For example: the drive for survival of the
species can inspire frequent seed-spreading and unprotected sex.
The current reality is that such practice can kill you and therefore
the drive works in a counter-productive fashion though it is what
nature would inspire us to do.) Genetics, too, cannot be altered at
this point, but the effects can be changed. Proper diagnosis and
treatment can be arranged through www.marielachney.com.

5. Your Subconscious Mind
The physical organs can alter the way that the mind operates,
but in the realm of the mental, nothing drives an individual like the
things stored in the subconscious.

SOLUTION
No one on earth can reach adulthood during these modern
times without having a storehouse of subconscious beliefs that
drive us to behave in ways that often prove to be self-destructive.
Usually, things have to be very bad for a person to be willing to
seek help; however, little could serve ones own best interest
more than finding a qualified professional or an experienced
teacher to help guide one through the process of Self-Inquiry.


Freedom from the dictates of the subconscious mind is attainable.
You might begin that inquiry by using these aids: The Essence of
the Teachings, A Twelve-Step Journey to SELF-
Transformation, the accompanying Meditation Guides, and The
Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders, all of which can be ordered
from the site listed in the back of this volume.

6. Your / Their Ideas
I refer to ideas as yours / theirs because if a person gets real
honest, and if he could remember all the facts of a lifetime, he
would admit that he has come up with no ideas of his own. He
has been programmed with their ideas. And only when he
realizes that millions of people can be wrong about things will he
begin to question the beliefs he got from them.

SOLUTION
Begin your period of Self-Inquiry. Initiate the journey.

7. Your / Their Reactions Inspired by Emotions
Some people are intoxicated by alcohol part of the time; some
are intoxicated by other drugs part of the time; but the majority of
the people in this country are emotionally intoxicated much of the
time that they are awake.

SOLUTION
As hard to believe as this might be, the first step to treating the
condition of emotional intoxication does not require doing
anything with the mind. The place to begin is to treat under-
functioning physical organs that can lead to anxiety, depression,
obsessive-compulsive behavior, and emotional intoxication. Many
negative behavior patterns are not driven as much by the mind as
by a body that has organs that needs fine-tuning and nourishing.
That sounds radical, but it is my own experience.

8. Your / Their Beliefs


That which is true about your ideas in #6 above is true about
your beliefs.

SOLUTION
Self-inquiry will allow you to finally question everything youve
ever been told. After thorough investigation, you might still hang
onto it all, but then again, you might free yourself up considerably
by tossing some of their beliefs.

9. Obsessions / Compulsions
Obsessive thinking leads to compulsive / impulsive behavior.
Impulsive behavior leads to bankruptcy, contracting deadly STDs,
the breaking of relationships, and a majority of the problems in
this culture.

SOLUTION
OCD is rooted as much in chemical imbalances in the body as
any other factor. One can begin to treat the disorder with a natural
supplement. Its that simple. In some cases, that is all that is
needed. In other cases, some therapy might also be required. I
have seen many instances where a natural supplement solved
the entire problem.

10. Powerful Events from the Past that Impact the
Present
Call it baggage or unresolved trauma or unhealed issues
from prior relationships, people are driven by that which many
dismiss by saying, Hey, that was the past. The informed know
better. The issues referenced here are key Deal-Breakers.

SOLUTION
Professional help has reached a state-of-the-art level in its
treatment of unresolved trauma. I recommend investigating
thoroughly as you search for a professional to help, speaking with


people who have actually been healed by that person. For those
in areas where you have no professional practitioners, I can tell
you that I recommend only those whom I personally know have
successfully helped people. My choice for the use of the EMDR
approach to treating PTSS / PTSD is Marie Lachney who may be
contacted at www.marielachney.com.

11. Personality Type and Wings
The impact has been covered and solutions have been offered.

12. Whether Youve Integrated the Best Traits of a
Companion Type or Regressed into the Compulsions /
Liabilities of Another Type
Again, the significance of developing ones personality has
been covered. Knowing your types assets and liabilities is the
starting point for growth.

13. Instinctive Drives
The impact of natural drives on relationships has been covered.
The concept of love and what constitutes real love (and
separating that from instinctive behaviors) has been discussed.
Allowing instinctive drives to manifest in an unchecked fashion is
probably one of the key Deal-Breakers.

SOLUTION
The entire system needs an overhaul here, but that wont
happen in our lifetime. Counseling can help couples work through
offenses. Sex addicts can get help. This need not be a Deal-
Breaker, but know that it usually is.

14. Chemical Imbalances in the Body
I cannot over-emphasize the impact that this problem plays in
contributing to relationship problems.

SOLUTION


Again, for more information on how the body affects the
mind, the feelings, and the emotions, read FAQs at
www.marielachney.com.

15. Inappropriate Food Plan
I cannot over-emphasize the impact that ones dietary habits
play in contributing to relationship problems. It sounds radical, but
it is my actual experience. I have suffered the before and
enjoyed the after.

SOLUTION
Again, for more information on how our food choices affect the
mind, the feelings, and the emotions, visit

16. Ego-States / Personas / Assigned and Assumed
Identities / Narcissism
Narcissism is the twin brother of egomania. In The Twice-
Stolen Necklace Murders, I discussed this obstacle to forming
healthy relationships: Narcissists display the following traits and
behaviors: they are unbelievably arrogant; they are takers; they
are self-centered and self-absorbed; they can feel their own pain,
but they never feel that of another; they believe themselves to be
unique, extraordinary, and deserving of nothing less than the
extraordinary, leaving them always convinced that there is
something better out there; they have visions of grandeur and/or
stardom and demand an audience; they cast total blame for any
problem on others and stay frustrated since they never feel that
they are getting the respect and proper consideration and honor
that they think they deserve; in their view, they alone perceive
truth accurately; they support only in theory the basic societal
rules and others rights are discounted as narcissists are driven
by a sense of entitlementthey think that they are always entitled
to more so they can never be happy with what they have; they


believe that they deserve to be taken care of since they think that
they look better than most people or have more to offer than most
people. Of all the personality disorders, this one is especially
difficult to treat since the disorder itself prevents the narcissist
from believing that he/she has a problem. Narcissists, being
convinced that they are right, seldom enter into self-inquiry. They
will not submit to objective analysis or to invitations to consider
the possibility that they might have certain personality defects.

SOLUTION
Various tests can be used to measure the rate of ego and
narcissism. Certain therapists can help one probe the depths and
seek solution.

17. Using Relationships to Try to Meet Unmet Needs
from Childhood
She aint your mommy; he aint your daddy. Few truly received
during childhood all that is required to be able to develop into a
mature, serene individual. Work and help are usually required
during adulthood to become totally free.

SOLUTION
Its not your partners job to provide what your parents didnt.
Professional help is available. Also, as mentioned earlier, in the
phrase Self-Esteem, the key word is not esteem but is,
instead, Self. Few adults want to raise an adult-child for any
extended period of time. Certain personality types do like to take
on the task, but usually a sense of hostility and frustration follows
as they tire of the unfulfilling job.

OTHER RELEVANT FACTORS

BEING RIGHT VS. BEING HAPPY


Sometimes, the things that couples argue about are really not
worth arguing about. Let me rephrase that: almost always the
things that couples argue about are really not worth arguing
about.

SOLUTION
Most people think they are right. Most people want to be right.
Many people will fight to the death (of a relationship) to prove that
they are right. Heres an argument-ending tool. Use it often: You
may be right. One man told me that using that expression never
stopped any arguments with his wife. His wife in a later session
told me why: He has never said, You may be right. He says,
You may be right, bitch. Men, its only one word more than my
recommended response, but that one extra word helped end their
relationship.

WHY THEY LEAVE: FIRST, BECAUSE THEY CAN
Yes, because they can. Remember that 95% of all divorces
with children involved are filed by wives, not husbands. In the
most comprehensive study on why so many women are leaving,
the top six reasons cited were power, opportunities, custody,
company, money and assets. A reason often cited in years
past, abuse, is cited in only 6% of the cases now. The women
said, first, that wanted the power to make all their decisions
independently. They tired of having to justify spending and having
to compromise too often.

Secondly, they noted that women now either have income or
have more opportunities to find employment. Third, they said they
anticipated they would receive custody of the children and the
money that goes along with that custody. Fourth, they said they
knew theyd have the children for company and would not be
alone. Fifth, they wanted total control over the child support
money and/or alimony funds. Last, they mentioned that the courts


division of property would provide them with startup funds for
beginning a new and more independent life.

What else is behind all that, besides money and being tired of
compromise? For millions of years women have been the weaker
sex in most ways, though not in all. Excluded from holding higher
political, military, business, and religious positions, women were
second-class citizens. (As of 2005 among the top companies in
the U.S., only 7 of 500 have females in their top position.) When
priests decided that an angry god needed a human sacrifice, men
werent brought forth.

When the concept of marriage came along, mennot women
were the only ones allowed to initiate the proceedings. When the
Laws of Primogeniture were established, women did not move
forward. When doctors began suggesting that women aged fifty or
higher should have their sex organs ripped out, they didnt begin
suggesting the same to their male patients at a comparable rate.
Only in the last century could women vote in this nation calling
itself a democracy, so forget about the other nations of the world
when looking for cultures that treat females equally.

My father was the first in our familys entire lineage to suggest
that a daughter should have the right to attend college. Now, as a
father of a daughter myself, I might appear more sensitive to the
rights of women than others.

Consider that the first real push for equal rights for women, with
any degree of true assertiveness, is not yet four decades old.
Consider also that women even in the 1950s did not ponder
getting a divorce, and we soon get another part of the picture
which makes clear whats happening with relationships now. They
are leavingbecause they can.


I recall seeing a black and white film of Jewish prisoners of war
at the moment they were first liberated in the Nazi concentration
camp where they had been brutalized. Under the watchful eye of
Allied soldiers, the Jews began attacking the German guards with
a vengeance. They were almost as brutal as they former captors,
and understandably so. Look at all the oppressed nations in the
history of the world and see thatwhen they are finally freedthe
people often overreact and abuse their new freedom. Individuals
are no different.

We are in a period of transition. More drastic actions are being
taken in ending relationships than at any time in our history. One
female activist said, Damn straight we can be angry when we
confront men nowadays. The suffering weve endured for too long
is finally finding an outlet, a means of expression. Were never
again going to put up with the crap weve been subjected to in the
past. Ouch! Another said, I left because he made me feel like a
whore, though she did admit she married him because he was
rich and she could quit her job and be taken care of and he
admitted he married her for her looks and sex. That dynamic
seems to grow old after a time.

SOLUTION
New freedoms and new mentalities call for more tolerance and
greater ability to adjust. They demand a shift in outlook. The
degree of freedom that women have today is still not equitable,
but it is growing to some degree; therefore, many can leave
nowadays whereas their moms or grandmothers couldnt. The
greater stresses that come with the current dynamics at play in
relationships mean that making it will not happen as consistently
as making it might have occurred during previous generations.
More professional helpers are available today because more help
is needed. I encourage you to consider getting help earlier rather
than later. Later is sometimes too late.


EXCUSE-MAKING AND DENIAL
(WELL, GEE, NOBODYS PERFECT)
No wonder relations are so difficult. On the one hand we must
protect ourselves from abusers by seeing where they are wrong;
on the other hand, we must not be so egotistical as to think that
we are always right. What a dilemma. Add to that the tendency to
ignore clear warning signs because we are in heat or in fear and
we have people tolerating the intolerable with a Well, gee,
nobodys perfect rationalization.

SOLUTION
There can often be a fine line between making too many
excuses for a mate and limiting your tolerance. Some things, like
the Deal-Breakers, are not tolerable. In contrast, too many have
too little patience. A third-party, objective, professional observer
can help define proper boundaries.

MALE AND FEMALE PERIODS AND MENOPAUSE
Yes, both sexes have cycles of highs and lows during the day
and evening; both have mental, emotional and intellectual cycles
through the month; and both experience menopause if they live
long enough. We are familiar with female menopause. What does
male menopause look like?

James, when he neared the age of 48, began to lose interest in
sex, leaving his partner feeling neglected and frustrated. He also
began to show signs of feeling insecure. Things in his world
suddenly seemed not to feel OK. Where he had been assertive
but not aggressive most of his life, he lost his ability to assert
himself at all.

In another example, a woman named Julie began suffering from
faulty perceptions and was experiencing swings in her moods.
She became so restless and irritable that she left her husband,


claiming, All 20 years were horrible. She had not been gone but
a matter of months when she said, No, actually, we really had a
good marriage. But the damage had been done, her degree of
anger when leaving having inspired her to emasculate her
husband in the process.

The culture is far more aware of the female menopause that
Julie was experiencing than they are of the male menopause that
James had to deal with. Many women are seeking and finding
effective ways to counteract the negative consequences while
most males havent a clue whats wrong.

So lets look at treatment options for male menopause. The
condition begins when the pituitary gland in the brain becomes
less efficient and its signal to the male reproductive system
weakens. Consequently, less testosterone is produced and males
become deficient. The result of that deficiency is a loss of a sense
of well-being, a lowered libido, and the other symptoms that
James suffered.

SOLUTION
A doctor can check testosterone levels and treat the pituitary
gland and/or supplement the male hormone. Naturopathic
physicians can also recommend natural treatments to help
alleviate the symptoms of male menopause.

NOT STAYING THE COURSE
Remember the woman who wanted to sit around in the
evenings like her aunt and uncle, he with his head in her lap? She
described the scene and said she wanted that type relationship
and was sad they didnt have that. He said, Im 36. Those two
are 80. His head was in her lap because he cant sit up straight
anymore. He didnt put his head in her laphe just fell over.
Hang with me another forty-five years and you wont be able to
get my head out of your lap either. Well Shakespeare said that


there are ages and stages that we go through and each must be
done in its own time. In The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders,
the three stages in relationships are discussed:

Theres what he called the Romance Stage. Self-explanatory.
That led to the marriage. Pure, physical chemistry. Then he talked
about the second stage, what he labeled with that old term, the
Battle of the Sexes. In his view, most women go into marriage
thinking theyll change their husbands, while most men go in
thinking their wives will never change. Neither proves true, Rob
believed, so the battle breaks out when the reality sets in.

And the third stage?

The third stage he called the Unconditional Love Stage. He
claimed by that point the battle had ended and each accepted the
otherwarts and all. He felt those who get there stay married
until death. Those in our nation who divorce never survive stage
two.

The Romance Stage dies out quickly.

SOLUTION
To make it through The Second Twenty Years, or to make the
til death do us part a truth rather than a lie, then somewhere
along the way one partner must be the first to give up the fight.
(Remember the phrase, You may be right?) This need not be a
defeat. It is simply what follows the development of perspective.
That comes after an objective look back over the various
skirmishes in the Battle of the Sexes and seeing how trivial most
of it all was. (None of that applies where the Deal-Breakers are in
effect.)

UNREALISTIC VIEWS: WANTING IT ALL


First off, you cant have it all. (If you say, Yes you can, Floyd,
then what are you doing reading this book? But if you really have
got it all, congratulations. Go to my website and order a different
book. Ha. And by the way, if you tell me you have it all, Ill believe
you; however, many who broke up their marriages and families or
relationships had it all but didnt know it. Now, back to the rest of
the readers). For the rest of you, no, you cant have it all.

SOLUTION
If you dont have it allbut you do have a lot of itwhy not stop
with the complaining, sit back, and take it easy? That turd youre
married to might be a turd, but all people have a little crap in their
lives. Its the nature of the beast. Get realistic. Talk to a pro and
get some feedback. If you think you have it bad and you really do
have it bad, a good counselor wont argue the point with you.

But a good counselor also might awaken you to the reality of
what can be sensibly expected out of a partnership and what
expectations might be unreasonable. Maybe you dont have it all.
Maybe all your dreams havent come true. But is it possible that
what you do have is pretty good? Now, lets check again: how
does your life compare with the woman who believes that the high
point of her existence came when she finally got her own cow?
Might you be better off than you think?

OWNERSHIP
Body, Heart, Mind, Soul
You spend too much time talking to your friends. Theres that
ego again, that greatest enemy of relationships. False pride will
get em every time. News flash, guys: John Wayne is dead.
Second news flash: when you hear talk about being loved with
body, heart, mind and soul, thats not about you. Youre not a
god, not even to your mate. Taking that literally, males expect the
women in their lives to delight in the prospect of sitting next to the
men on sofas as clickers are being clicked. Yeah, baby, love me


with your body not just in the bedroom. Have your body right next
to me at all times.
SOLUTION
Lose the Im God and deserve to be honored and worshipped
and glorified by my partner notion. Women, do the same. Ego is
the Great Destroyer of Relationships. Remember the person in
the religious Intoxication section who said, I didnt break the
vows. He broke the vows first by not honoring me. A truly decent,
twenty-year marriage came to and end when she claimed, He
didnt honor me.

Well Ive got a bulletin for that egomaniac: Shut up! And to all
of the egotistical men out there: Shut up! And to all of the other
egotistical women out there: Shut up to all of you who are
arrogant. Yours does too stink sometimes. Get over yourself. (Of
course, that does not apply to you, my beloved reader. Its just a
suggestion to others! And if you tell me, Hey, Floyd, you big jerk!
Im not egotistical, you scumbag! then Ill be the first to say, You
may be right.)

DEPENDENCE, ENTITLEMENT, AND A LACK OF
EARNER-SHIP
When my daughter became discouraged in college, I reminded
her of the charge I have tried to give to her all her life: I want you
to have an advanced degree so that you have a better chance of
being self-supporting. Youll feel much better about yourself,
andin terms of a future relationshipyoull only stay if you want
to, not because you have to.

To have to stay in a relationship is one of the most frustrating of
all the negative experiences that humans can undergo. It happens
when one is dependentemotionally or financially or otherwise
or when one is burdened with a sense on entitlement. Entitlement
makes people believe that they deserve to be taken care of and


that they really should not have to work to support themselves. I
see more and more men trying to use women to take care of
them, and surveys discussed earlier showed how common that is
with women. Often, in our culture, good looks or a good body
convince one that being taken care of should be a given.

Sometimes a sense of entitlement results from prostitute
parenting. That happens when certain moms or dads tell their
daughters to use their looks to find a man to take care of them or
when they raise a son in a way that makes him thinks hes entitled
to be cared for by another.

Example One: Amal and Hamsa
Hamsa thought shed found the love of her life. She thought her
prayers had been answered when Amal proposed to her. He had
graduated and was seeking employment, so they used her credit
card to buy her engagement ring. They would continue to use her
credit card to cover all their expenses for several months of
courtship. When Hamsa returned one work one evening to find
that Amal had cleaned out her apartment and disappeared, she
was left without furniture, without accessories, but with a
$15,000.00 credit card bill. She would learn that Amal had pulled
the same stunt with many women.

Example Two: Fred and Jasmine
Jasmines dad wouldnt spend the money to send her to college
though he was willing to send her brother. Youre good looking
way above average. You dont need an education. Find a man to
take care of you. Jasmine found Fred, a man willing to take care
of a woman, believing from his parents example that thats what
a good man, a good husband, a good provider does. He played
his role exactly, having found in Jasmine a perfect companion for
his belief system. His care-taking beliefs left him compatible with


her conviction that she deserved to be taken care of since her
looks were way above average.

Fred worked hard, up to eighty hours per week, to provide for
them and their child. Then, Jasmine introduced a new twist. Not
only was she using Fred to take care of her, she soon began to
give him no credit at all. As Jasmine began to assume the role of
a religious, godly woman, she began to assign credit for all things
to God. God provided the five-bedroom home in a nice
neighborhood and the food she ate. God was blessing her with
stylish clothes, medical care, cars, gasoline, utilities, ad infinitum.
God provided everything. Fred got no credit for anything. Since
her earthly partner provided nothing, Jasmine came to believe
instead that all her gifts were coming from The Father on high.

Fred would hear her on the phone, bragging to her sister about
how well God was providing. That belief system, combined with
no sense of earner-ship, set the stage for Freds next humiliation.
A sense of earner-ship is what people feel when they know deep
inside that they have helped earned the money coming into the
home.

A lack of a sense of earner-ship creates an easy come-easy
go attitude around the funds. When her brother embezzled
thousands from Freds company, Jasmine said simply that, You
must forgive, for the sake of our family. Rather than pressing
charges and allowing the brother-in-law to spend time in the state
penitentiary for grand theft, Fred let it go, for the sake of family.
But the chasm between them that he felt as a result of never
being appreciated was widening. The relationship was being
poisoned by a sense of entitlement and by a lack of earner-ship
by the larger spender.

In the U.S., men created this problem. Until recent decades, the
patriarchal, capitalistic society only allowed men to earn income.


Women were trained to find a man to take care of them. Men
played along, many liking the arrangement that kept women
dependent, trapped, and often feeling like a whore. Women were
also discouraged from getting an education, depriving them of the
opportunity to earn decent incomes. Then, things began to
change. As more women are making money, more women are
finding users like Amal who will take advantage of them and take
their goods and money. The sickness of entitlement is spreading
more now than ever before.

Those who have a sense of entitlement and those who have no
sense of earner-ship poison their relationships. Entitlement and
an absence of earner-ship are sustenance for the dark side of
relationships.

UNRESOLVED TRAUMA
Trauma and Personality Types
If one is awake enough during the dating process, a person
might detect the vestiges of trauma at work in a potential mate. If
trauma is unresolved, it will destroy the sufferer and negatively
impact all those around the victim. People with dissimilar
personality types often react quite differently to trauma and
opportunities for recovery. To see how various personality types
react to trauma suffering, lets look at two women who came from
identical backgrounds.

Mary and Jasmine were both raised in dysfunctional families
with especially abusive fathers. Marys father ruled like a tyrant,
backing up his screaming and intimidating looks with brutal acts of
punishment. Jasmine experienced the same, her father abusing
her with physical punishments. At eighteen, he sent her away on
her own, telling her to use her looks to get by. Both Mary and
Jasmine suffered deep scars and would logically have issues with
males to deal with.


Mary was a Type One Perfectionist with a Type Nine wing,
inspiring her to seek peace. Jasmine was a Type Seven
Adventurer, encouraging her to enter into a series of romantic
adventures with men though she had no ability to commit or
attach. Mary worked for years in therapy and resolved her trauma
effects. She became independent, allowing her Two-Wing to
manifest. She began helping people in her community. She
integrated the positive side of the personality type that she grew
into and became balanced as a result, displaying the qualities of
being productive, enthusiastic, curious and fun-loving.

Jasmine never got treatment for her unresolved trauma but
went into denial (Then is then and now is now.) Little did she
know that her now was completely dominated by her then. She
went on a life-long Tour of Vengeance against men, marked by
the incongruity of needing them as she followed her fathers
directive and used her looks to manipulate men to take care of
her. The love-hate paradigm manifested in every relationship.

The men she dated described as the meanest, most vicious
woman with the vilest tongue they had ever encountered. She
was torn between needing men to care for her and allowing her
anger at men to be shown to all but the deserving one: her father.
She never confronted him because she became a religious giant
and forgave him without ever going through the process of
confronting him and then releasing the anger he instilled in her.

Many men triggered her anger, but none of those who became
the targets of her wrath were the ones really making her angry as
she thought. Subsequently, because of the unresolved anger
implanted in her by an abusive father, Jasmine has hurt a lot of
men in her life. In sporadically firing off at men, she has also
harmed a lot of women in the blasts: a daughter, other wives,
sisters, mothers...the list is long. The harm of one abusive man
can be far-reaching.


Yet note how different were the reactions and the lives of those
two women who grew up under the exact same circumstances.
Mary, with her developed Type One Personality and her
integration of the positive side of the personality type she
integrated, became curious, ethical, wise, fair, honest and self-
disciplined.

She got help and grew. Jasmine, festering in the negative side of
her Type Seven Personality, remained narcissistic, impulsive,
unfocused, rebellious, restless, and self-destructive. Two women
were raised exactly the same. Two women had different
personality types that inspired them along very different courses
in life. The result: one became a kind, loving woman who never
said a mean or harmful thing to anyone in her life; the other
projected an image of being charming but has spent her life
exploding into rages with men, using the meanest and most
harmful comments imaginable.

As another example, lets look at two men who were exactly
alike, who married two women with personality types that were
completely different, and who therefore experienced entirely
different outcomes in their marriages. Sam and Paul were both
husbands who were family-oriented, content to do their work,
come home, relax and spend time engaged in family activities.

Sam was an excellent provider, steady as a rock in terms of
employment, and totally faithful. Sams wife was a Type Six, the
Loyalist. She is committed and faithful to family and friends.
Though Sam was not as emotionally-available as some women
might prefer, and had as many irritating faults as any man, his
wife loved him devotedly and compassionately. She was fulfilled
by raising her children and creating a home. Their marriage has
lasted 35 years and is as solid as ever.


Paul, like Sam, was often emotionally-unavailable and plagued
with plenty of faults. He was also family-oriented, content to do his
work, come home, relax and spend time engaged in family
activities. Also like Sam, Paul was an excellent provider, steady
as a rock in terms of employment, and totally faithful. But Pauls
wife left him. Why? She was a Type Three, a Performer. She
gave up the spotlight to start a home and have a child. But that
was not a role that suited her.

She would say when she left, Im tired of being wife and
mother. She blamed Paul for her years of misery when the truth
is that she resented him as the one who married her and took her
away from her band and out of the spotlight. He only had two
hands to use to applaud her, and that was not enough to fulfill the
drives of a Type Three who needs adulation from the public. She
left and got back into performing and thinks she is happy because
she is not around Paul.

In fact, Paul had nothing to do with her happiness or her misery.
We see two men, almost clones of each other. In one case, the
traits were loved; in the other case, they were hated. The only
difference was the personality type of the partner. One type
matched the mens style; the other conflicted with the mens style.
Please understand: this is not about right or wrong. Its about
people being the way they are and about people not developing
into the best side of what their personality type offers but being
driven by the weaknesses that result in self-defeating or harmful
behaviors. Its also about knowing your type and a partners type
and defining goals and motives rather than being surprised later
by conflicting goals and motives. Why?

If Paul had married a Type One, she could well have believed
the situation was ideal, the perfect family and life; a Type Four
would have been happy in the same circumstances, believing the
situation a model romantic life, having a home and family and


not having to work a job outside; a Type Nine would have loved
the circumstances, Nines not really liking to work anyway; A Type
Six would have stood by Paul either way. But for the Type Three,
not performing and not working was frustrating as hell. Personality
Type compatibility is critical to forming healthy, happy
relationships.

Personality type can play so key a role in the way people
respond to their life circumstances and the way they act and react
in relationships that it behooves each person to know her/his
personality type. It is also vital for each to know the personality
type of each person they are entering into relationship with. Why?
Each type has assets, but assets take care of themselves. We
need to see that each type also has some predictable patterns
that emerge in relationships that can be detrimental if the person
is not developed into the asset-side of her/his type. To understand
the liabilities that each personality type might bring to a
partnership can be very helpful in building healthy relationships.
For example:

TYPE ONE: THE PERFECTIONIST
Undeveloped Ones desire to be seen as good and right but are
plagued with low self-image which causes anxiety. They refuse to
enjoy all the pleasures of life and thus repress, but that buildup
can result in volcanic explosions of emotions at times. They also
judge and condemn others who seek the pleasures that Ones
refuse to enjoy.

They often become the backbone of the church or play that role
for society in general. They idealize, and they especially idealize
themselves and can present themselves as the proper standard
for all. Feeling inferior, they project their negative traits to others
they are in relationship with and they tend to focus on the
shortcomings of others. They believe their way is the only right
way, and they are constantly uptight since they believe that they


see clearer than most how wrong other people always are. They
would prefer to win an argument than maintain the peace. They
often break relationships because others dont meet their high
standards. In terms of getting free of your trauma with a One,
read this again and see what you were up against. Do not take all
the blame.

TYPE TWO: THE HELPER
In relationships, undeveloped Twos try to manipulate others by
giving, thinking theyll only receive by that act. They do not ask for
what they need but are then disappointed when a partner doesnt
recognize all needs and fulfill them without being asked. They
have trouble saying No but will try instead to manipulate a
partner to get what they want. Their frustrations are often
repressed and at some point Twos can eventually explode as a
result. More often, theyll try to manipulate, hiding a hostile side
that nevertheless is revealed on occasion. Twos are often
perceived by partners as being too needy, too clingy. In
relationships, Twos assume they cant be loved for who they are
but will only be loved for what they give. In terms of getting free of
your trauma with a Two, read this again and see what you were
up against. Do not take all the blame.

TYPE THREE: THE ACHIEVER / PERFORMER
Do you think you want to marry a singer, a stripper, a movie
star, a preacher, a famous speaker or a good workaholic and
achiever? In relationships, undeveloped Threes assume they
cant be loved for who they are but will only be loved for what they
do. Intimate feelings are less important than work or tasks.
Threes fish for compliments and demand praise for their work and
accomplishments, only being fulfilled if they are being applauded.
They will have trouble expressing intimacy, causing some
partners to feel rejected, but they will have no trouble with sharing
words that are intended to demean and inflict pain. When Threes
become angry at a partner, they can become downright sadistic.


One female Three admitted, Men have told me that I have the
vilest, meanest tongue on any person they have ever met. If what
I demand is ignored, I get hostile. Undeveloped Threes are not
for the tender-hearted. They are often emotionally-unavailable
(focused more on themselves) and they are highly image-
conscious. Because they want to be in the spotlight, they will
become very jealous if a mate looks at or compliments someone
else.

They are fearful of financial failure and can become greedy, can
hoard their money and not share, and can even set up hidden
accounts. Threes will abandon you if you are struggling financially
while a developed Six will stand by you to the end. Undeveloped
Threes are not for those wanting a partner who can connect
emotionally and share deep and honest feelings. (Why? You are
both in love with only one personwith the same personthe
Three!) If they are not able to perform, they are frustrated and will
blame those around them for their unhappiness.

In terms of getting free of your trauma from being in an
unhealthy relationship with a Three, read this again and see what
you were up against. Do not take all the blame, even though their
charming act will make it appear that they cannot possibly have
any faults.

Threes are one of the two types that typically have the most
problems in relationships (Eights being the others). Hollywood
divorce rates are not as high as they are because Hollywood is in
California. The rate is so high because of the proliferation of
Performer Type Threes in that community. Threes demand that
the spotlight always be on them, and they have no intention of
sharing that spotlight with a mate or anyone else.

TYPE FOUR: THE ROMANTIC / THE INDIVIDUALIST


Holding their idealized view of the world (while constantly
feeling bombarded with a far-from-idyllic reality) makes
undeveloped Fours feel as if something is always missing. The
contrast leaves them feeling unfulfilled and thus frustrated. Ideal
people, ideal love, and ideal circumstances are always being
sought and, of course, never being found. Fours long for mates
who can truly connect on an emotional level, but Fours are jerked
around by their own emotions too frequently.

They like drama in their life and in love, and the tendency
toward the dramatic can actually push away those they care
about. While Ones especially idealize, Fours romanticize and
can seem to see in a relationship far more than is really there.
When a partners weaknesses are finally seen, more
disappointment comes to Fours and they can feel overwhelmed,
often over-reacting to negative circumstances.

Fours have a strong sense of what is just, so when they suffer
from what they take to be unjust treatment or unwarranted
circumstances, they can feel victimized and become debilitated.
In terms of getting free of your trauma with a Four, read this again
and see what you were up against. Do not take all the blame.

TYPE FIVE: THE OBSERVER
Undeveloped observers see the world as demanding and thus
shield themselves from connection. They tend to be more private
and aloof, withdrawing from people and really trying to withdraw
from facing their own intense emotions. They are more at ease if
using their brains to analyze instead of using their heart to feel. All
of that leaves Fives feeling very lonely at times as a result of their
tendency to isolate, but those in relationships with them see the
isolation as rejection and the analysis as arrogance and judging.
In terms of getting free of your trauma with a Five, read this again
and see what you were up against. Do not take all the blame.


TYPE SIX: THE QUESTIONER
Undeveloped Sixes see the world as a threatening place,
causing them to doubt. They are often wishy-washy and have
twisted perceptions regarding the way things are, causing Sixes
to suffer from extremes of anxiety and fear. In relationships, they
create failure by not trusting and snooping. They project their own
worse faults to others, being judgmental and controlling in the
process. They are also masochistic, putting up with abuse and
building up resentments in the process. In counseling, Sixes can
benefit from a good therapist who can help them see that their
perspective is often skewed. In terms of getting free of your
trauma with a Six, read this again and see what you were up
against. Do not take all the blame.

TYPE SEVEN: THE ADVENTURER
Undeveloped Sevens see the world as a restricting place that
would take away the fun and adventure that they believe they
deserve to experience. They are constantly seeking fun activities
and dreaming about even greater ventures in the future; thus,
they are often distracted and have difficulty focusing on tasks they
believe to be mundane.

Sevens have a very difficult time attaching to others or
maintaining commitments in relationships. In relationships, they
often see their partners as jailers who are trapping them,
preventing them from having the fun they want and think they
deserve. Ive known many Sevens who found adultery a
justifiable behavior (though they certainly dont corner the market
in that.) Since Sevens refuse to confront their own negative
feelings, a partner suffering an emotional predicament should
never hope to get much empathy from a Seven. As a result, many
feel that their Seven partners are rejecting them or not bonding or
not connecting. They are probably right in that view. In terms of
getting free of your trauma with a Seven, read this again and see
what you were up against. Do not take all the blame.


TYPE EIGHT: THE BOSS
An internal softness that has been hurt by the world leaves
undeveloped Eights feeling that they must exert themselves and
their authority in order to gain control, power, and security. To
Eights, the best defense is a good offense, so they are often
overly-assertive. That mindset constantly places Eights in a state
of conflict in relationships as partners resist their efforts to control
and dominate.

People with Eights are generally in either a fight or flight mode.
Eights go overboard with everything, seeking excess in all areas
of their lives and thus wearing out their partners. Partners would
benefit if an Eight could get back into touch with the softer side,
but that fails to happen as frequently as their partners might wish.
In terms of getting free of your trauma with an Eight, read this
again and see what you were up against. Do not take all the
blame. Eights, along with Threes, are the most difficult to be in
relation with, whether in a marriage, a job, or anywhere else.

TYPE NINE: THE PEACEMAKER
Undeveloped peacemakers often allow themselves to be swept
along by others who are more assertive. They will seek the easier
and softer way in every instance and will harm themselves with
passivity rather than help themselves by taking actions. In other
words, Nines can be lazy as hell and can resent a partner if the
partner does not make enough to pay the bills and forces the Nine
to work.

Preferring peace over conflict, they are often dominated by
others; in reaction, they behave in passive-aggressive manners.
They will allow others to dominant them, and then get angry at
others when they assert themselves. Nines repress a lot and
have trouble in relationships because they do not express what
they are feeling or thinking. This angers the people who are in


relationships with Nines. In terms of getting free of your trauma
with a Nine, read this again and see what you were up against.
Do not take all the blame.

Understanding personality-type-liabilities can help people
become aware of the challenges that can manifest in their
relationships as a result of their personality type. Forewarning and
foreknowledge can help avoid problems or can allow for quicker
action to be taken to address difficulties that arise.

UNRESOLVED TRAUMA
In our book A Twelve-Step Journey to SELF-Transformation,
Mark Houston and I analyzed the residuals of childhood and/or
adult trauma that can ruin lives. While I will briefly overview the
areas of concern, I suggest you read that volume to get the full,
complete explanation of the areas that need addressing in so
many in the world today. Why? Individuals with unresolved
trauma suffer, and people with unresolved trauma enter into
relationships without a clue that their alliance does not have a
chance in hell of succeeding.

We wrote that professionals helped us identified twenty typical
behaviors of people suffering from untreated trauma. The list is
not complete, but between the two of us, we related to all of
these. We also found that childhood trauma or adult trauma
regularly preceded the use of addictive substances. Among the
major contributors to relationship problems is the abuse of
substances or any related addictive behaviors.

We continued. Those who can relate to several of the
behaviors listed below might find evidence of the lingering effects
of past abuse. If any of our readers relate to these behaviors, then
you may be like Mark and me: you might benefit from professional
treatment for the effects of unresolved trauma. (For a full
discussion of each category that can impact relationships so


negatively, please refer to A Twelve-Step Journey to SELF-
Transformation, available at the websites listed at the end of the
volume):

***Escaping

***Repressing

***Normalizing

***Avoiding

***Deluding

***Repetition Compulsion or Re-Enacting

***Parent-Child Role-Playing

***Approval Seeking

***Internalizing

***Idealizing

***Betraying

***Avoiding Intimacy, Avoiding Touch

***Avoiding Attachment/Commitment, Detachment Disorder

***Hyper-vigilance

Taking the time to read in detail about each of those almost
always proves helpful. Addressing each of those issues is a way
to free ourselves of more of the baggage we bring into


relationships that can eventually destroy relationships. More
information will be provided at the end of the book.

THE BIG SIX RELATIONSHIP-BREAKERS

1. DISHONESTY
I mentioned earlier that I was warning against the type
dishonesty that deals with presenting images or with entering
relationships with a hidden agenda covered up by loads of I love
yous. I am talking about the dishonesty involved with saying Til
death do us part with a concealed unless attached. I am talking
about saying Til death do us part more than once. People may
say that phrase once and really believe it, but isnt any
subsequent repeating of those words just so much BS? If not,
should they at least be followed by, No, nono joke. Really. I
mean it this time. I really do.

Doesnt your second mate (or third or fourth) deserve better
than to hear that coming from you again? Dont you deserve
better? Dont any subsequent relationships deserve better? If you
recognize a ruse or a scam or a hoax when you see one, why not
consider writing your own words instead or even doing a civil
ceremony without repeating the same vow thats already been
broken. How dedicated should people be, when entering into a
new relationship, to guaranteeing that it begins on a foundation of
truth and honesty?

We might have taken a vow once and really believed that we
meant everything contained in the vow, but once our own
personal experience shows that is not that case, why go through
the motions againif we want to be honest? I gave extensive
examples of how deception and self-deception ruin relationships.
Why begin a new relationship with those elements? Who said you
had to say those vows? The church. But who says you have to


say them again after theyve been broken? Why would that
institution even allow it? Honor yourself enough to begin any new
relationship with total integrity and truthfulness. Of course, thats
just a suggestion.

2. MONEY PROBLEMS AND RELATIONSHIPS
Most couples in the U.S. have accumulated huge debt. Huge
debt creates stress. Stress contributes to the breakup of
relationships. Often, money problems are the real issue; other
times, money is just the subject matter of an argument but is not
the real issue. Either way, a system for handling and distributing
funds can alleviate the potential for problems. All partners should
have in place a system for money management and for
distribution before entering into the partnership. For those already
in a partnership, a major threat to the relationship can be
neutralized if you will agree to set up a system now.

SOLUTION
Two booklets are available to help you learn if money is the
topic or if money is the issue or if both happen to be at play:
Living Within Your Means and Ending Personality
Problems by Understanding Your Personality Type offer
problem identification and solutions. Effective counsel can also
help you determine if there are deeper issues at play than the
money problems that are being debated. You can use the
Contact Us feature at www.floydhenderson.com to set up the
three-session consultation to create a personal budget plan for
your specific needs.

3. SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
Sex is an important part of healthy relationships. No its not,
Floyd. Yes, yes it is. Hey, we still love each otherwe just arent
interested anymore. Well, if neither is interested anymore, roll on.
But is that the case? If one is and one isnt, very effective sex
therapy is now available.


Why is sex such a deal-breaker in relationships? One, because
of the expectation of fidelity added to marriage by religion while
50% of all married people are practicing infidelity. People like
variety. If one nude, and one nude only, would satisfy men
forever, then Playboy magazine would have sold only one edition.
The fact that men want to see different nudes within a month
contributes to the magazines monthly sales rates. Two, sex is a
deal-breaker because more and more people are totally screwed
up sexually in this country.

In the U.S., we have a national schizophrenia that results in
widespread sexual aberrations. John Ashcroft in the Bush
Administration spent $8000.00 of our tax money to buy curtains to
cover up the breasts on a statue in Washington, D.C., for goshs
sake. How sexually-frustrated and uptight can one get? As John
Knowles explained, we suffer from centuries of puritanical rigidity
that is trying to co-exist with a germ of wildness that is springing
forth in more liberal times.

If you go to Nice, France, youll see women from eighteen to
eighty going topless on the beach. (Yes, Ive seen things in my life
that no one should have to see. Ha.) No one on those beaches
except Americanspays any attention. But let those women try to
go topless on the southern beaches of the U.S. and theyll be
locked up in jail. Then, the authorities will take money from them
in the form of a fine and the government will give them a criminal
record. They can lose their jobs, will become the topic of sermons
delivered from pulpits across the nation, and will be branded with
a scarlet letter by the 50% of the population who live by a right-
wing ideology.

SOLUTION
When sexual liberty meets sticks-up-the-rear, schizophrenia
and repression and frustration will manifest. Intensive sex therapy
is required for many people in relationships in this country. 50%


on the left side of the political spectrum say, Safely enjoy your
wee-wee while the other 50% are screaming, Dont you dare
even touch your wee-wee! No other time in history offers more
opportunity to suffer sexual dysfunction, sexual frustration,
dangerous sexual conduct, or the loss of ones sex drive than the
times that we are living in right now; and no other time in history
offers more opportunity to treat sexual dysfunctionfor males
and femalesthan the times we are living in right now.

4. IN-LAWS AND RELATIONSHIPS
The extent of all the problems that come when in-laws interfere
in relationships is too grand for this study. Let it be said that most
in-laws are interfering because they have been invited in by
having been asked for money or by having taken their offered
financial support. Both instances always come with advice to the
couple and with the belief that the giver is entitled to a vote
regarding whatever happens in the relationship.

SOLUTION
Only one suggestion: get them the hell out of your life. If they
are involved, then there is no your life. There is a life being lived
by multiple partners with multiple inputs. Its difficult enough to
make a relationship succeed with only two views to process and
compromise. Allow others to offer input, help, direction and advice
and your Dream Relationship will become The Impossible
Dream instead.

5. PHYSICAL HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIPS
Taking care of ones own physical health can help keep ones
relationships healthier. Why are you bringing that up, Floyd? The
vow says for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.
I answer, Youd be right to suggest we ignore this unless you
consider how many men turn their backs on sick partners and
leave for someone younger and healthier. And women do the


same. Phil explained, My wife was supposed to take me to the
hospital on a Tuesday to have cancerous polyps removed. She
left me on a Monday instead. Was that the only reason she left?
No, but it was a factor.

The impact on relationships notwithstanding, the act of being as
healthy as possible is really about being sane. Anyone ignoring
health issues is self-destructive and thats insane. Insane people
dont seem to do well in relationships.

But Floyd, I still think anyone who breaks a marriage vow and
ends a relationship because a partner is sick, or even leaves
while a partner is sick, is the lowest form of scum.

You may be right.

6. ASSOHOLISM
Assoholism may be the #1 cause of all relationship problems.
Estimates are that 95% of the population suffers from the
conditiona state in which people believe that they are right most
of the time, are often restless, irritable, discontent, or bored, and
in which they blame others for their unhappiness. It is a condition
that makes people arrogant, egotistical, selfish, self-absorbed,
and self-centered, rendering them unable to empathize with the
feelings of others while demanding honor.

It is a condition of the body that exists when under-functioning
organs rob people of a sense of serenity and when people feel
overwhelmed and lose the ability to cope with stressors. It is a
condition of body that can cause one to believe false fears are
real threats; can prevent differentiating the true from the false; can
cause one to be unnecessarily anxious; can cause an inability to
make choices and stick with them; can cause an inability to follow
through on decisions; and will deprive one of the ability to
differentiate important stressors from unimportant or mild


stressors. It is a condition of body that can even tend to make one
behave with hostility or never feel at ease. It is a condition that
allows people to blame others for how they feel rather than
learning that they and their bodies and their minds are the cause
of their troubles.

In contrast, it can make some people feel lethargic and tend
towards depression. It can make people obsess on things or
people and then act impulsively. Under-functioning organs can
also cause people to flip-flop between extremes of happiness and
misery or constructive and self-destructive behaviors.

It is a state of mind in which people have no valid perception of
things, have twisted and distorted views, and are totally asleep
while thinking they are awake.

It is a state of emotions in which people dont know their
personality type and therefore dont know what their liabilities are
or what strengths they could strive to mature into. It is a condition
in which adults act like children in terms of maturity level,
spending habits, and arguing. Many of those suffered childhood
trauma and having fixated at that age because they have never
admitted that they arent handling things as well as they think they
are. They think their past has no effect on their present.

It is a condition in which people are living under the influence of
the side effects of prescribed drugs or under the influence of
alcohol or illegal drugs.

It is a social condition in which people are no fun to be around,
having lost any sense of humor they might have had and are now
taking themselves, their mates, life, and the world in a manner
that is far too serious. It is a condition in which one has grown into
an adult-size hemorrhoid and is now one big pain in the ass. It is


the condition that rightly earns the label Asshole for those
suffering from this illness.

Now you can see why Assoholism might be the number one
cause of relationship failure. Who can live with anyone like that?
Who can get along with anyone else who is being like that? The
ways to address all those negative effects and eliminate the traits
of the condition have been addressed throughout this book.
Websites are available for those who want to take the first step to
eliminating all the negatives that create Assoholism and to begin
acquiring a set of decent traits and behaviors that can result in
healthy relationships, with Self and with others.


PART EIGHT
Solutions within the
Traditional Framework


PRE-PROBLEM COUNSELING
Many counselors have told me that most couples-counseling
sessions begin with this mindset: He needs to change and I
havent been successful at getting him to do so. Now, as a last-
ditch effort, I want to form a team with the counselor to either get
him right or get him out. (That statement is not intended to pick
on the women. I congratulate anyone willing to seek professional
help. We must remember, however, that 95% of all divorces
where children are involved begin with an unhappy wife initiating
the breakup.)

Others enter counseling after already having decided to leave
their partners but doing the deal so they can be freed from any
guilt of not having tried everything to make it work. With most
couples coming into counseling, the source of the problems
usually fall into the 50-50 range. More often than not, however,
one partner thinks the other mate is 95% to blame.

Often, she wants things to change while he only wants to ride
out a crisis and get things back to the way they were. Neither of
those agendas will solve the core problem, but when a males
attitude is to ride out the storm and then let things settle back to
normal after she gets over it, the relationship is often doomed.

If a couple is sitting in a counselors office, changes are needed
on the part of both. If a couple is sitting in a counselors office as a
final step before breakup, its often already too late in that case. If
a couple is sitting in a counselors office and saying, We have a
healthy relationship, but we want to learn new relationship skills in
order to make it better so that we dont end up in here fighting
some day, then the chances are much better that theyll have a
healthier relationship.


Why not begin a process that can avoid problems rather than
end up trying to solve problems later? Any relationship could
benefit from learning the relationship skills that a good counselor
can teach. The partners in any marriage went to Relationship
School with their parents. How prepared were the parents to
model and teach both of you what youre going to need for your
relationship to succeed in this modern world?

Additionally, the Gottman Institute in Seattle, Washington has
an excellent reputation for their work with couples in all stages of
their relationships and in all areas. They may be contacted at
www.gottman.com.

HEAL THYSELF: DISCOVER THE WORKINGS OF THE
BODY
Only the insane get into a shower or bath without first taking off
their clothes, but most enter into relationships without taking off
the stuff that needs to be discarded in order for a healthy
relationship to occur. Have you ever known anyone who suffered
mood swings? Have you ever known a partner who could not tell
the truth from the false? Have you ever known a partner who was
anxious or restless or depressed? What about forgetful and
unfocused? Have you ever been any of those? Did you know that
those are not as much about the mind as they are about the
body? Visit www.marielachney.com and read the FAQs listed
there.

HEAL THYSELF: DISCOVER THE WORKINGS OF
YOUR MIND
Did you know that most addictive behavior is driven by
unresolved trauma? Did you know that many problems in
relationships are rooted in prior unresolved trauma? Did you know
that Then is then and now is now is a myth? Did you know that
even what you think is long-gone can still drive you


subconsciously? Did you know that tremendous strides have
been made in treating unresolved trauma? Did you know that
professional help is generally required in releasing the negative
energy stored at a cellular level? For more information regarding
diagnosis and treatment, contact Marie Lachney at

BE INDEPENDENT
Having a sense of entitlement is at the root of many evils. You
might feel that your looks or body entitle you to be taken care of;
however, once in a state of being taken care of, many find that
allowing someone to take care of them leaves them in a state of
being totally dependent upon another. Can anyone be serene and
happy when not free? Maybe some can for a time, but
consciously or unconsciously, a life of economic dependency (or
enslavement) takes a toll. The loudest warning anyone should
hear when dating is I need you, indicating youre talking to
someone who is going to be clingy, needy and parasitic. The only
louder warning is You need me, indicating youre hearing
someone who is intolerably egotistical, arrogant and self-
centered.

ENLIGHTENMENT
The truth is that the only successful relationship that you can
have is with yourself. To know yourself is to know your personality
type, what the strengths and weaknesses are of that type, what
effect the wings have on you, what you can disintegrate into or
what you can grow and integrate into. When problems come, you
can focus on your partners weaknesses and what person needs
to change, or you can look first at yourself and see if you need to
change or take some action to mend or repair the relationship. Try
answering some of the questions below to find the complete truth:

ARE THERE THINGS YOU CAN CHANGE TO
IMPROVE?


(Please write your answers below each prompt)

1. Why dont I have peace?

2. Do I put up with things I shouldnt? If so, why?

3. Why do I not have tolerance regarding the little things that most
people can ignore?

4. Why do I let others dominate me? or Why do I try to control
others?

5. Do I expect others to change without ever seeing changes that
I need to make in myself?

6. Am I more of a relationship healer or a relationship killer?

7. Do I make psychological contracts in my relationships, marked
by having expectations, demands, assumptions, ego, narcissism,
or a sense of entitlement? (If yes, list examples):

CHECK ONE:
---I expect a lot from another/others. ___Yes___No

---I demand things of another/others. ___Yes___No

---I assume people know what I want or know when Ive
changedeven when I havent told them. ___Yes___No

---I display ego, am concerned with selfish motives, am seeking
more things, am allowing or forcing others to take less from the
partnership and to give more. ___Yes___No

---I operate with a sense of entitlement, believing that I have
always been entitled to more than I am getting. ___Yes___No


---I exhibit traits of narcissism, including a need for an audience, a
need to be listened to, and a belief that Im extraordinary and
deserve the extraordinary. ___Yes___No

THE KEY TO RELATIONSHIP REPAIR:
Repair the most important relationship in your life. Since you
are the only one you can change, and since you are a common
element in every troubled relationship youve ever been in, heal
yourself. That can have a positive impact on all relationships.

SOLUTION
Humans love to take the inventory of others and list others
defects and shortcomings and faults. We have little desire to see
our own. But pointing out others faults will alienate them. That
should be reserved for a third-party, objective counselor. Finding
your own faults and working to eliminate them will improve your
relationship with yourself and will help you form healthier
relationships in the future.

Focusing on you, you can then work to develop SELF-
Fulfillment, SELF-Esteem, and SELF-Love. And those have
nothing to do with ego. The result of those three is SELF-Reliance
and a freedom from depending on other people or other things.
Then, when you are in relationship with others, theyll know youre
not using them, not manipulating them, and not taking advantage
of them. Avoiding those three are real Relationship-Makers.

Dont make your relationship with yourself secondary to your
relationship with anyone else. Youre doing neither of you a favor.
(Of course, thats just a suggestion!)

THE SPARK IS GONE
Heres a dilemma that Ahhh and Whoo never experienced. Nor
did trillions of humans for millions of years. The physical attraction
did not have time, in their short lifespan, to fizzle out. The seltzer


hit the water and bubbled until the end. Today, the seltzer lasts
just as long as it did in Ahhh and Whoos day. The problem is that
partners lives last much longer. Add in more time to build up
resentments that stymie the sexual response and we have
another crisis in relationships.

Sexual healing is possible. You might be angry and you might
think you never want to have sex with that partner again. But
amazing things can happen with a competent sex therapist.
Forgiveness can manifest and the seltzer fizzes again. As long as
none of the Deal-Breakers are present, why not try it? Give it one
more shot. Other professional might also help the seltzer fizzle
again and bring back the excitement. Author Bloomfield suggests
that sharing and acting out of some harmless fantasies might
create a new spark. (PS: Check carefully for a stick up the rear of
your partner. With those types, this suggestion would go over like
a floater in the punch bowl! It can be a Deal-Breaker instead of a
Pleasure-Maker!)


PART NINE
Solutions Outside the
Traditional Framework


[Please note: If you were married in a traditional church weddingor
if your desire is to be married in a traditional church weddingthis
chapter will be completely irrelevant for you. Please skip ahead to
Part Ten]

IF THE THINKING INSIDE THE LOOP IS INSANE,
WHY NOT THINK OUTSIDE THE LOOP?
Nothing has changed since Henry VIII of England decided that
he wanted to get rid of a wife and marry another woman. The
church agreed to modify its rules to let a member break his vows
to a first spouse and take the same vows over and get another
church-sanctioned spouse. Ever since then, the church has
played the ambiguous role of claiming to be the protector of family
values while sanctioning what they originally defined as adultery.
How?

The church will now allow its members/tithe-givers to take a
vow, break a vow, and get a divorce, come back and take another
vow, get a divorce, and break another vow, ad infinitum, just like
Henry the VIII. People and churches are welcomed to do what
they please since theyre going to anyway, but there are
consequences on the psyches of normal people.

The question becomes, Are psychologists right when they
claim that living a lie or living in delusion and fantasy result in
chaos, disharmony, guilt, remorse and anxiety? The next
question is, Does living a lie or living in delusion or in a fantasy
which results in chaos, disharmony, guilt, remorse and anxiety
cause a heavy burden on some individuals? If the answers to
those are in the affirmative, then would it not behoove both the
church and it members to stop BSing themselves as they break
relations and cause children to undergo the trauma of losing their
families and then trying to blend with new families?


(As a result of that trauma, children from broken homes divorce
at a rate that is four times higher than the norm.) Marry and
divorce a dozen times if you like, but whats with the fantasy of
taking those vows before God and talking about til death do
you parttil death do you parttil death do you part, ad
infinitum. (Now thats just a consideration for those looking at
solutions outside the traditional framework, which is what this
chapter is about! And please understand that I dont care if insane
people babble in asylums or babble at altars, but I do recognize
babbling when I hear it, thats all.)

The fact remains, however, that today, one can find a church
somewhere that will go along with any plan that can be dreamed
up to suit anyones selfish desires or meet his/her perceived
needs.

SOME OF THE MOST FREAKIN OUTLANDISH THINGS
INVOLVING MARRIAGE HAPPEN INSIDE THE
CHURCH
For our first I-swear-that-this-is-unfortunately-a-true-example,
Mary was married to Ty. Ty started having an affair with Marys
under-age sister Tammy. When Mary refused Tys offer to form a
threesome, he left her. Now, one might expect that the mother of
Mary and Tammy insisted that her husband kill the adulterer/child-
molester to protect their girls. Instead, the mother went to the
church, had Marys marriage to Ty annulled, and arranged for Ty
and the under aged Tammy to marry.

Insanity. A huge, heapin, stinkin pile of insanity. And ironically,
because Mary was so burned by the events that she could no
longer play inside the churchs loop of lunacy, she has been
deemed the immoral one by the church members for having left
the church that annulled her marriage and allowed her child-
molesting husband to participate in a ceremony that the church


calls one of its Holy Sacraments. Theres not enough holy water
in all of the combined churches of the world to clean up some of
the dirty things taking place in front of altars.

In another example, we revisit Jasmine and Fred. Jasmine took
a vow before God in a church with Fred. When she got angry
years later, she cried to two ministers that Fred had not honored
her, whatever that means. They told her to get counseling and
work it out. A year later, she went back to them again and said, I
cant get over the fact that he did not honor me.

Since she was not a tithe-paying member in either of their
churches, both ministers looked at a pattern about to form,
realized they needed to focus on their own paying members, and
so both said, Yeah, well, I have an appointment. If youre just
going to be miserable and cant get over it, go ahead and leave
him.

She got the consent from the church that she needed in order
to justify breaking up a family while still being good. In her own
mind she was able to delude herself into believing that (not she
but) Fred had broken the vows and destroyed their family,
courtesy of the churchs willingness to rubber stamp her plan.
Today, she works for a church and is planning to repeat the vows
she took with Fredbut with another man. Being allowed to take
new vows, she will receive the churchs blessings to sleep with
another man.

Now everyone is welcome to rock and roll to any tune they want
in my book, but is the culture really being honest by BSing itself
and others with such hypocritical game-playing? Did you agree
earlier that relationships must be based in honesty to be healthy?
How healthy can second or third or fourth marriages be when
their very basis is a lie? And we want to know why we have such
a high divorce rate? Is it creating healthy people and healthy


relations by living the lie? Can one truly be OK inside when living
such lies, or does the incongruity of looking one way on the
outside but being a totally different way on the inside take a toll on
individuals and eventually their society? A sociopath can roll right
along, I would guess; outside of those types, the BSing will take a
toll. If you want to be sane, and if the thinking inside the loop is
nuts, you might consider moving away from the asylum. Or not.

OUTSIDE THE TRADITIONAL MODELS
(Maybe Some Need to Quit BSing Themselves, and
Others, and Come Up with a Better Plan)
I wrote earlier that, When 62% of the people in a culture say
for better or worse and in sickness and in health and til death do
us part, but their actions prove that they dont really mean for
worse or in sickness or forever, then the concept is actually not
the cultural standard any longer. The right-wingers can abandon
their efforts to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Its already
gone. It may be the cultural standard to say the words, but it is
not the cultural standard to practice the words, so it can no
longer be assumed to be what the majority in the culture believe
or practice. The majority in the U.S. culture no longer accept their
marriage vows as a real and binding standard, though the
majority still take the vow.

FLEX PLANS
Not only are some couples coming up with their own vows but
many are coming up with their own non-traditional arrangements.
Looking at the three states of adult life, ages 20-40, 40-65, and
66-85, some are convinced that no one person could be right for
them for each of those stages. As two partners grow and mature,
or not, compatibility wanes.

SOLUTION


For those thinking outside the box, they see that Whoo and
Ahhh were perfectly fine for each other for the first stage but that
they probably could not have stayed together for the next two if
they had lived that long. Alternatives are available for the truly
honest people who know themselves and who know the current
but often unsettled condition of their fellow humans.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU SHOULD MARRY?
Follow the Leader is a neat childhood game but it can be a
most unrewarding adulthood game. If certain benefits regarding
retirement funds and insurance come only in a marital state, even
two people who often think outside the box may make a decision
to marry in order to benefit one or both partners. Otherwise, do
you really want to follow the leaders, no matter where they would
have you go? I have never seen the Vatican provide a dime
toward the care of those who followed the dictates of priests and
had fifteen kids that are now undernourished and poorly clothed.
If youre not willing to share in meeting the expenses I incur from
following your regulations, then you get no vote regarding what I
do with my wee-wee.

SOLUTION
If youre thinking outside the bubble, go for it. Its nobodys
business what you do or how you do it as long as youre not
harming others.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEED A PARTNER?
Marriage is not for everyone. Partnerships are not for everyone.
I suffered through one relationship after another as a result of a
mindset that said I needed to be in relationship. After failure after
failure, I found myself in a new thought-life, neither seeking
anyone nor running from anyone. In the peace of living from that
position of neutrality around relationships, I focused on my
physical, emotional, and mental needs for 23 months. I found my
True Self (see The Essence of the Teachings) and thereby


found peace and serenity. From that state, I had something
positive to offer in relationship. The 23 months of not seeking a
relationship actually prepared me for the healthy one that came
along.

SOLUTION
Dependency is that which robs us of independence. Robbed of
independence, we live in a prison. That prison can be a house
with someone serving as our guard; it can be a relationship in
which we feel confined; it can be our own mind. Living in any
prison, we are good for neither Self nor anyone else.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEEDED TO SPEND
THOUSANDS?
or
IS THE PRICE OF PLAYING THE PRINCESS-FOR-A-
DAY GAME WORTH IT?
Having once been a wedding photographer, I have seen it all. I
recall one bride standing next to her groom shouting at a
stepmother, This is my day! Dont you dare ruin it. The groom
had a look on his face that seemed to ask, Your day? What am
Ichopped liver?

In Europethe original home of the kings and queens and
princesses and princesa princess walks about in a multi-
thousand dollar gown. She rides in limos. Flashbulbs go off
everywhere she goes. She enters all rooms last, only after all
others have entered. She is announced as she enters the room
and all stand to applaud. No one can dance until the princess
dances. No one can leave until the princess leaves. She will have
her picture in the paper both before and after each event.

Most princesses have people in their lives who can afford the
price tag of her living like a princess while playing her princess


games. Fewer who spend thousands and thousands on their
wedding have that privilege. I have an acquaintance who earns
$16,000 per year in her secretarial job. She borrowed $25,000 to
pay for her daughters wedding. The daughter divorced three
months later. Mom will be paying off the loan for the next ten
years. I have seen the face of insanity.

If you are willing to live outside the programming of the masses,
might you consider other things that you could do with thousands
of dollars, rather than blow it all in one day? (OK, dont be
offended if youre not one of those people who think outside the
box. Why didnt you skip this chapter to start with? Ha!)

I VOWTIL NOW
Lets look back at the reasons for breaking relations that were
reported in the beginning of this book:

Why men say they left:

**she spent too much money

**too damn moody

**too unpredictable, too hot and cold, too unstable

**too expensivewasted my money

**just used sex to get me to pay her bills for years

**unfaithful

**nagged too much

**quit providing good sex


**too arrogantthinks her shit doesnt stink

**dishonest or crazy

**she cant tell the true from the false

**she was always anxious

**she cant make choices and stick with them

**I got sick of her obsessive-compulsive behavior

**I got sick of her depression

**too irritable and hostile

**is a man-hater and a ball-buster

**flip-flopped between extremes of happiness and misery

**no sense of serenity

**always overwhelmed

**no ability to cope with stress

**I just got tired of her shit

Why women say they left:

**didnt make enough money to provide
(or too cheap with money or blew money)

**didnt show me enough respect


**wouldnt communicate

**only wanted sex

**was unfaithful

**didnt earn enough moneynot a good provider

**too lazy

**wasnt intimate

**too arrogantthinks hes gods gift to women

**couldnt make a decent living

**dishonesta liarnuts

**overly-anxious

**cant stick with anything

** obsessive-compulsive

**depressed and irritable and hostile

**no respect for women

**wants a mother

**extremely happy and then extremely miserableno stability

**no serenity

**unable to control emotions


**always stressed

**I got tired of his shit

Early on in the book, I asked the men if you could promise that
youll stay with a mate forever, even if she becomes moody,
unpredictable, expensive or unfaithful. What if she cuts off sex or
nags constantly? What is shes arrogant and dishonest and crazy
and what if you just get tired of her shit? Will you stay? Forever?
Really? Do you hate when people are dishonest with you? Are
you maybe being dishonest if you said youd stay forever under
those circumstances? If so, is something wrong with you?

If you want to be honest and youre seriously looking outside
the box for a solution, why not engage a partner who sees the
negative potentials and enter into a limited partnership? They
have those in business, you know. What if every marriage license
had an expiration date and the marriage simply ended on that
date unless both partners choose to go to the courthouse and
renew it?

If you knew that the license was good for five years and that
your partner could simply leave town on the renewal date and the
marriage was officially over, would you behave differently in the
relationship? Would you have less of a sense that you own
someone and thus behave differently? Would you stop using
terms like my wife to imply possession? Would you be less of a
jerk? Might your relationship be healthier with such a possibility
waiting in the near future?

Now, to the females:

Women, can you promise that youll stay with a mate forever,
even if he doesn't show you enough respect, doesnt
communicate, and seems to only want sex? Will you stay forever


if he is unfaithful, doesnt earn enough money, turns out to be
lazy, is never intimate, and is way too arrogant? What if he keeps
acting like hes thinks hes gods gift to women? Will you stay
forever? What if you just finally get completely tired of his shit and
he doesnt contribute to making a living? What if hes dishonest
and nuts? Will you stay? Forever? Really? Do you hate when
people are dishonest with you? Are you maybe being dishonest if
you said youd stay forever under those circumstances? If so, is
something wrong with you?

If you want to be honest, and are looking outside the box for a
solution, why not engage a partner who sees the negative
potentials and enter into a limited partnership? They have those
in business, you know. What if every marriage license had an
expiration date and the marriage simply ended on that date
unless both partner choose to go to the courthouse and renew it?

If you knew that the license was good for five years and that
your partner could simply leave town on the renewal date and the
marriage was officially over, would you behave differently in the
relationship? Would you have less of a sense that you own
someone and thus behave differently? Would you not use terms
like my husband to imply possession? Would you be less of a
pain in the ass? Might your relationship be healthier with such a
possibility waiting in the near future?

Since the government and the churches will not provide that
type of dated document, and knowing that this puritanical culture
will frown on your non-traditional behavior, and knowing that
people typically use a good attorney to establish a limited
partnership in business, you might consider doing the same. The
interest of both partners must be protected in such an
arrangement. (If I ask a man in the presence of his wife if half of
everything is hers, he answers Of course in a micro-second. If
she says the next morning that shes leaving him, hell say, Well


get the hell out, but you aint taking my stuff.) Cover your butt
whenever operating outside the narrow mindset of the
mainstream.

But the beauty of this plan is that you can set your own
timetable, have legal documents to divide the wealth and goods
as accumulated together if you so specify, and have an
agreement that either can terminate on the date that is set for
consideration. You can look objectively at the arrangement, say it
is working (meaning you are better off in it than out if it) and
renew. If the evaluation shows youd be better off boogying on
down the road, then boogie on down the road.

The terms of the document can be adhered too without ever
having to go to court and fight. Should one abscond with the
goods, the court can still be an option since you have a legal
document showing ownership. And remember, marriage licenses
have not prevented people from absconding with the goods. At
least this way, you have an option to avoid dealing with divorce
attorneys and divorce courts and divorce judges and their
arbitrary and often unfair distributions.

AVOID THE DISHONESTY UP FRONT
Why make promises if one knows deep inside that statistically
they will never be kept? If one is aware of the trauma that most
suffer when promises are brokenand if one is aware that certain
promises are being broken at a rate of 62 out of every 100then
doesnt it make sense not to enter into such promises? Why even
make a promise that you didnt think of but that was dreamed up
by men who wanted to control peoples lives?

Do you really want to play any game that has rules established
by the type men who want to tell people that they cant
masturbate? That they can only have sex under certain
conditions? That they cannot use protection during sexual


intercourse in a world where millions are dying from being
infected with AIDS during unprotected sex?

If youre honest with yourself and a partner and admit that
youre not going to pretend to follow such dictates, then why not
join with the partner to create your own framework for establishing
a relationship that will allow you to live according to the terms that
the two of you agree on and establish for yourself? The history of
people trying to follow others dictates has created a 62% failure
rate.

While people continue to play that game and elect to follow the
dictates of a controlling institution, I would ask them if they would
have elective surgery if the statistics show that 62% of those who
had the surgery in the past died as a result? Would most elect to
go ahead with the procedure? Lets hope not, so if you are the
type to think outside the box, why enter into an agreement that
can have such a devastating negative effect (a 50% murder rate
on average) and takes such a devastating lifetime toll when the
failure rate is 62%? This is the dark side of relationships, but there
is a chance for light.

SEPARATE RESIDENCES
Ah, remember the good old days? You know, those days when
you had your place, she had hers, and you shared time at either
place on occasion. Remember the freedom you had to be alone
at times, to relax in your own place? It works so well that most
stop doing it. More wonderful friendships have been ruined by
marriage and cohabitation than imaginable. Some people just
arent wired to be around othersanyoneon a 24/7 basis. Its
not personal. Its personality. Why ruin what works so well? Two
explanations:

Option One:


For love, Floyd. OK, whatever. You might want to read the
chapter entitled Love is Just a Concept? Let Me Check My
Notes in The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders.

Option Two:
Could it be because of a desire for ownership, control, and
power? Fear of loss? Could it be because of an inability to really
let someone be free and choose whether they way to stay
without an obligation to stayor whether they want to go? Whats
that you say? Hey, Floyd. Dont be negative. Option One is
always the right answer.
If thats the case, when someone says he or she is leaving you,
why dont we hear the response, Well, the best to you and go in
peace in every case. Isnt that what Love would say?
Whoa, Floyd. I want commitment, you say? Well, then marry.
This chapter is obviously for others.

ALTERNATIVES, YES, BUT WITH CONTRACTS
(Remember, Women: Society only Protects Good
Girls)
Recall the earlier point that if I ask a man in the presence of his
wife if half of everything is hers, he answers Of course in a
micro-second. If she says the next morning that shes leaving him,
hell say, Well get the hell out, but you aint taking my stuff. Once
in the court, the judge or his advocate will assure an equitable
split.

Even if one partner never worked outside the home and never
brought in a check, the value of the work done in the home will be
assessed and taken into consideration. But, if a woman is merely
living with a man without a marriage license and then tries to get
the same type of equitable settlement, she will seldom be treated
as fairly. Make whatever arrangement you want, but get the
contract written and signed. Make sure it covers all eventualities.


PART TEN
Getting Out Alive


ONE LAST TIME BEFORE YOU LEAVE:
HAVE YOU REALLY CONSIDERED ALL THE
RAMIFICATIONS?
Children are resilient. Divorce only affects the children for two
years. After that, they are fine. Could this person be any
dumber? Could this person be rationalizing in order to justify
behavior? Bottom line: children arent resilient. They are
traumatized very easily. The effects of parental divorce often
haunt children and their relationships throughout their lives. If the
effects were short-lived, then why would studies show that
children of divorce are four times more likely to divorce than
children who did not come from a broken home?

Should couples stay together for the children? Some marriages
offer many reasons to stay together that are being overlooked;
other marriages reveal many reasons to split up that are being
ignored. So what should be considered? What should one ask
before leaving?

1. DO YOU REALLY KNOW THE PRICE? WHAT IS THE TOTAL
PRICE? (Please answer here):
___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

2. ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY THAT PRICE? _____________

ARE YOU RATIONAL, ARE YOU ACTING
IMPULSIVELY, OR ARE YOU JUST PISSED?
They couldnt put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Some
things just cant be fixed once theyre broken. To be certain that


one is not acting impulsively or merely in anger, might it help to
ask: Have you earned your way out? If you are not in danger or
being threatened, have you done everything possible to try to
make this work? Remember what you learned about second
marriages? Is there anything else you havent tried that might be
worth trying? If not, I urge you to try. If youre angry or pissed, that
will pass, and then you might decidetoo latethat you didnt
have it as bad as you seem to think when angry or pissed.

If the decision is right, it can be made from a rational state; if
made from a state of anger, you might live many years in the
regret of breaking a relationship that should not really have been
broken. Sometimes, it really is about getting over some things and
knowing youre better off in than out. If that is not the case, fine. If
youre sure youve got to go, theres more to consider:

WHY THEY FREAK
As mentioned, one study of urban murder reported that 59% of
all women killed in the U.S. are killed by their spouses and 41% of
all men murdered were killed by a spouse. Why do people freak
when a spouse announces that its over? Two reasons:

1. millions of years of genetic and archetypal wiring and
programming, and

2. ego-states or false identities or personas

MILLIONS OF YEARS OF GENETICS, ARCHETYPAL
WIRING, AND PROGRAMMING
Lets look at the males first since they freak out and kill their
former partners more often than females. For millions of years,
men have been programmed to defend family, home, and
property from attack. Ahhh and Whoo were a quiet, unassuming
couple, but if tribesmen had attacked the cave with his family
there, Ahhh would have fought to the death to maintain his family


and keep their place of shelter. He would fight to the death for
those things in the cave that sustained life or had sentimental
value: his spears, their cutting tools, the claws of several animals
that served as both memorabilia from hunting expeditions and
carving tools used to prepare meals.

Today, if a man comes home to find a wife packing or to find a
note from a wife who has left, millions of years of genetic coding
and archetypal messages flood his brain. He is shifted into a
defensive mode which then alters almost immediately into an
attack mode. His family is being threatened; his children are going
to be taken away; the home is going to be lost; all the
memorabilia is going to be taken; half of all the possessions
gathered over the years are going to be lost.

Fear manifests immediately and at a level far beyond agitation.
Instead, the first reaction that overcomes the man is one of
terroran all-consuming terror. He then shifts into a state of panic
as the place that was supposed to be his retreat, his safe-house
from the challenges of the outside world, has been converted into
a hostile environment. His male instinct to survive and protect
suddenly activates the flight or fight response. For a micro-
second, the option of flight flashes through his consciousness,
but that is immediately discarded as impossible; thus, he shifts to
the fight mode. He can focus on nothing outside his desire to
fight and preserve the status quo.

No peaceful resolution can even be considered when the man
shifts into this mode. The man is no longer in control of himself;
he is now operating under the influence of his most primal instinct
to survive and protect family and home. Tremendous tension
overcomes him, fear increases, and he is cast into a primal state
of preparedness to fightto attack any who are perceived as a
threat to family. Ironically, in the modern-day U.S., that perceived


attacker that is intent on destroying his family can bea member
of the family, the spouse.

Adrenaline begins to flood his entire system and his heart rate
jumps tremendously. He becomes hyper-vigilant and hyper-
sensitive. He enters a state of emotional intoxication, and
ironically his natural instincts begin to work counter to what would
be in the best interests of all involved in his current situation. His
air intake quickens and he begins to take short breaths or even no
breath. Over-reacting is typical, especially among certain
personality types. Nines will react less than Eights or Fours, but
all types will experience the responses above. They are not
optional.

Furthermore, when a man has worked to provide for a wife and
family and then is rejected, he can feel used and humiliated. The
male ego often finds it impossible to process away the notion of
having been made into a fool. Anger manifests, along with the
jealous notion that if youre not going to be with me, then youre
not going to be with anyone. 59% of the women murdered
annually in urban areas have a spouse who underwent the
scenario outlined above, found a weapon, found the abandoning
spouse, and killed her.

With women, the genetic coding and archetypal wiring also
come into play as their primal instincts are triggered during an
abandonment. For millions of years, a woman could not raise an
infant alone and have any hope that they could both survive. A
man was needed to bring home the food and provide protection
as the woman focused on recovering from the birthing process
and tending to the newborn. Archetypal messaging for millions of
years has placed in the collective unconscious of humans a
negative response to being alone or being abandoned. Both of
those conditions threatened survival for millions of years.


Add to that the anger response which accompanies the feelings
of jealousy and rejection. When those occur, a sense of
humiliation follows. The notion that if youre not going to be with
me, then youre not going to be with anyone also manifests. 41%
of the men murdered annually in urban areas have a spouse who
underwent the scenario outlined above, found a weapon, found
the abandoning spouse, and killed him. With 59% and 41% being
murdered respectively, leaving should be done according to
certain strict guidelines.

EGO-STATES OR FALSE IDENTITIES OR PERSONAS
In The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders, I wrote, Watch the
news and see what happens when people lose what is required
for their false identities to exist: some get fired and go back and
shoot up the workplace; husband dies when wife leaves, for
husbands cannot be husbands without wives. Assuming the
identity of husband, soon promoted to Super Husband, then
Super Wife is required for his very existence. Hell fight with her
when she does not act like a super wife. If she leaves, husband
is finished.

Thinking hes under attack or being killed by her actions, he
shoots her. People see it nightly on the news and just say, He
went nuts. Well, the insanity did not manifest with her leaving. It
manifested when a man in a robe pronounced You are now
husband and he bought into that. Human-like beings walked the
face of the earth in varying states of male-female partnerships for
13.5 million years before anyone dreamed up the concepts of
marriage, husband, or wife, along with all the other labels that
religious leaders dreamed up to identity those who did not play
strictly by their system: prostitute, bastard, whore,
illegitimates, etc.

Isnt it interesting that the noble role of wife and the
degrading role of whore both came from religion? And in this


culture still dominated by Anglo men, one label can set a person
up for life while the other label can ruin a person for life. We
criticize cultures that make women cover themselves with berkas,
yet some in this culture cover the women with labels. And the
same happens with men as well. So covered, we end up not
having a clue who we really are underneath all the labels. Roles,
always dependent on something else or someone else in order to
exist, leave vulnerable those who accept cultural labeling.
Accepting a label as an identity always leaves one living in fear, in
misery, in perpetual desire and need.

The assuming of roles as identities can be deadly. While
archetypal coding as described above can inspire men to murder,
the loss of role-identities can inspire men to commit suicide. Ten
times more men than women attempt suicide after a divorce.
Among both men and women who attempt suicide around a
divorce, men are more than four times more likely to succeed,
men using guns while women use les lethal means such as sharp
objects or pills.

For years, the popular wisdom was that divorce is harder on
women, so why are recent studies showing a greater impact on
men? One key factor is whether children are involved.

Women more often than not become the custodial parent of
children when divorce occurs. They lose the identity of wife, but
they do not lose the identity of mother. When men divorce, they
lose the identity of husband but they also lose the identity of
father, at least as that role had been defined in their lives.
Studies show that men are often more devastated by the loss of
their children than by any other loss that accompanies divorce. In
marriages with children involved, fewer than 5% of divorces are
initiated by men.


Men are usually willing to stay the course; women in marriages
with children are the ones willing to leave 95% of the time.
Statistically, it seems that men get turned off occasionally
whereas women can get turned off nearly ten times more often.

The fatal reaction among divorced men who take their own lives
is tied to roles or ego-states in other ways. Men more often are
the ones who lose their homes and thus the role of homeowner.
As assets are divided by the courts, men feel that bread winner
and retirement fund owner and property owner are roles that
are also dying. While some few women make more than the men
and end up paying alimony in some states, for the most part it is
the mans check that is no longer under his control as a court
determines the way that he will be allowed to spend his money.
With so many roles dying, men feel they are dying and
frequently conclude that they might as well hasten an end to the
pain:

A distraught father struggling with overdue child support
obligations and adverse family court decisions committed suicide
on the steps of the downtown San Diego courthouse Monday.
Angrily waving court documents, 43 year-old Derrick Miller walked
up to court personnel at the entrance, said "You did this to me,"
and shot himself in the head. San Diego Union-Tribune, 1/11/02.

Genetic coding and archetypes can inspire murder; false identities
have the power to encourage suicide or suicide-murders.
Therefore

IF YOU MUST LEAVE, LEAVE QUIETLY
I know at least three people specifically who are very lucky to
even be alive. During the separation and divorce, they did not
choose to merely end the relationship. They systematically went
about trying to destroy the man involved. Family members
supported the woman as she did all possible to emasculate her


former husband, to use her words to reduce him to nothing. A
person, male or female, treated that way during the most
devastating time of ones life, can be pushed into a state of
temporary insanity or deadly rage. Knowing the murder rate and
suicide-murder rate around divorce, I suggest to all who are
contemplating the initiation of a separation or divorce that you use
reason over emotion for your own sake and that of others
involved.

First, to the women: if you have to leave, may I suggest that you
leave without trying to emasculate or destroy your partner? Some
men can take the punishment that a departing mate chooses to
hand out, but some cant. Previously non-violent men can become
extremely violent as identities and relationships are being
destroyed, as roles are fighting for their very lives, and as primal
urges are triggered. Dont try to devastate your former partner
along with everything else that is being ripped asunder. We dont
want you ripped asunder.

And men, the same goes for you. If you have to leave, leave
quietly. Since 41% of all male murders are committed by female
spouses who are in the process of losing their families, its just not
worth it. In fact, Ive advised my daughter that even if she is just
dating, there are some out there who can go from hero to psycho
in seconds. Why not take the gentle exit and lie: Its not youits
me. Im just not ready to commit. Ive been hurt a lot in other
relationships. I need some time and space to try to work through
things. When they are courting, men and women will say any
calculating thing in the world to get into a relationship. Do the
same to get out. Swallow some pride and set aside some anger
momentarily to save your own life.

No matter how livid you are, expressing your anger is not worth
the potential price of losing your life. Enough hurt is on the
horizon. Dont compound it with a vile tongue. It can be fatal. And


women, since 59% of all female murders are committed by
spouses who are in the process of losing their families, its just not
worth it. I know a woman who has been ripping men to shreds for
the thirty years. I am amazed that she is alive. Dont risk it. If its
over, repress your bitterness at least long enough to get away.
Use arbitrators whenever possible. Dont antagonize the man
when theres a 59 out of 100 chance that he will kill you.

In light of the fact that I even have to discuss all of this, and in
light of the horrible statistics that are out there regarding the
nightmarish conclusions that most marriages come to, isnt there
something that is amazing? Isnt it amazing that with this current
state of affairs and with these horrible facts surrounding the fate
of most marriages that couples are still charging full speed ahead
into such unions with so little investigation, so little preparation,
and with so much bad judgment? Such is the power of chemistry.
Such is the power of hidden agendas. Such is the dark side of
relationships. I wonder how many readers by this point might be
willing to reconsider how they reacted to all my earlier
suggestions that they

consider pre-marital or marital counseling?

undergo a full personality type study?

set up a plan for spending in advance?

avoid in-laws interference?

find a plan of treatment for under-functioning organs that inspire
moodiness, emotional intoxication, restlessness, depression, and
obsessive behaviors?

I wonderin light of what happens to most marriages and
during many divorcesif suddenly all of my suggestions that


earlier seemed to be far too cautionary and far too time-
consuming and maybe even a big pain in the ass might now seem
to have more credibility? You can stack the odds in your favor if
you are willing to break away from the pack and stop following the
path taken by most in the U.S., considering where their paths are
taking them. Isnt it time for a major change in the way we get into
relationships so we might be able to change the way we are
getting out of relationships? (Of course, thats just a suggestion!)

IF YOU MUST LEAVE, LEAVE QUIETLY (PART
DEUX)
When men hear the words, Im leaving you, they dont get
quiet. They get real talkative and real loud:
1. Why?!!
2. Ill kill myself!
3. Ill kill you!
4. Whaaaaa!

How do I know? Ive been there. So men, lets see why you
should go quietly instead of using those four common responses.
All four of those are intended to entice a partner to stay with you
and to love you, so lets see what the prospects are for each
effort:

1. Why?!!Theres only one answer: the seltzer tablet hit the
water, fizzed for a time like a wild thing, and then stopped fizzing.
Neither discussion nor reason nor pleading can make a dead
seltzer tablet start fizzing again. (I know. its a bitch. And truthfully,
a good sex therapist might be able to help a few in this boat.)

2. Ill kill myself!Yep, that should do it. I suspect that when
most sophomore-age girls make out their lists of the top ten things
they wanted in a husband some day, they listed, Above all else, I
want a suicidal man.


3. Ill kill you!If #1 doesnt work, surely #2 will produce the
effect you want. Surely the list said, In addition to a suicidal man,
Id also like to marry a man capable of killing me. That should
really inspire her to say, Oh, gee. Thanks for sharing that. I didnt
realize you love me so much that youre willing to kill me. Here,
take my suitcase back inside.

4. Whaaaaa!And finally, the lists of the top ten things they
wanted in a husband some day must have included, And in
addition to wanting my future husband to be a homicidal maniac
with suicidal tendencies, I also want him to be as weak as a baby
and cry when he doesnt get his way.

SOLUTION
Look, guys, Im not trying to minimize our pain during divorce.
And women who are abandoned can feel the same. In early 2005,
the results of a medical study in The New England Journal of
Medicine revealed a new cause of death called Broken Heart
Syndrome. It occurs when a traumatic event occurs in the life of
someonea death or divorce or lose of homeand shocks the
heart so much that people actually die as a result. The
researchers made clear that this is not a heart attack.

It is death caused by heart failure that can result from strong
emotional hurt, from deep grief or from agonizing shock over the
loss of one loved. Is it truly real? Yes. My father died from it.
When he died, my mom reacted with a stroke. Once again we see
evidence of the strong link between body and mind and emotions
that Ive been discussing throughout this book, and were seeing
more evidence of the fact that only a holistic approach to what ails
us will lead to recovery.

Our bodies can react severely to mental and emotional hurt,
and I know personally how real it feels to those who are capable
of feeling such pain. (Ive dealt with some who cant.) So Im not


trivializing your hurt; however, I would like to minimize the
reactions and over-reactions that are resulting in the high rates of
murder and suicide and death from Broken Heart Syndrome that
are accompanying the breakup of partnerships in the U.S. today.

FINDING A NEW IDENTITY
With the threat of early death by Broken Heart Syndrome and
all the negative effects of lingering resentments or unresolved
grief, emotional healing is vital. If due to divorce you lose an
identity or multiple identities that you had assumed, then you will
need to find a new identity. Some choose from among these
negatives:
a. I'm a loser
b. I'm a failure
c. I'm a unworthy
d. I will die if alone (thinking its better to have company in
prison rather than be alone but free?)
e. I'm divorced as opposed to Im single"
f. I'm The Childsuffering unresolved trauma again
g. I'm a victim

Another option is that you take this as an opportunity to

a. find out who you really are
b. be free of having to pretend to be what the spouse wanted
you to be
c. be free of acting and playing roles
d. grow into the Adult you aspire to be deep down inside
e. allow your personality to finally integrate, which it will do if
not stressed or playing holy roles

SO YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS FAILED
NOW TAKE ACTION NUMBER ONE
Now, you have the opportunity to improve the most important
relationship you have: your relationship with yourself. Too


philosophical for you? Not practical enough? You may be right,
but what if theres a shred of truth to that notion?
I wrote earlier that Relationship partners are face-to-face
approximately 19 hours of the 168 hours in each week. Those
relationships where the partners are geographically separated
because of work requirements or traveling see even less of each
other. You, on the other hand, are with yourselfin relationship
with youall 168 hours of every week. If you want a better life,
should you try to change what is happening 12% of the time or
whats happening 100% of the time?

Im told on occasion, Yeah but if shes mad at me or if the
relationship is at a rocky point, then Im upset all 168 hours. I
invite those types to consider: that belief system has left you in a
position where a person might feel like making you feel good. But
if that person is upset, angry or irritable and isnt in the mood to
undertake the task of trying to make you feel good, then arent
you screwed, royally? If that is the way youre conducting your
life, then you have nothing to do with how you feel. Youve given
power to another to decide how you feel. Youve put your
happiness and serenity into the hands of someone else. Do you
really think that anyone else should be responsible for taking care
of how you feel? Shouldnt you be responsible for determining
how you feel?

NOW TAKE ACTION NUMBER TWO
Again, trauma effects

are debilitating

are a major detriment to getting free of the pain of broken
relations so much

are able to make you believe lies told to you


are able to make you suffer guilt and remorse.

Therefore, now that your relationship is over, it is time for you to
get over it. You do that when you see the truth of the fact that:

you contributed to the problems

you were driven by 17 things that really left you with no choice
to behave differently at the time

you can now address those 17 issues and make your recovery
so much easier, and

you are probably accepting a lot of lies about yourself that are
based in the judgments of someone you cared for but who is
angry and wants to hurt you and make you suffer even more.
When we are traumatized, we take criticism from others and
accept that as our truth. To begin to get free of the lies, I use the
exercise that follows. First, we take comments made about us that
we accepted as truth, determine what we took from them to be
our truth, and then find out what the real truth is. Here are some
actual examples:

COMMENT: I am engaged and getting married.
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: I feel hurt, shocked, concerned for the
rotten example being set for my child.
THE TRUTH: Of course you are. Your dad programmed you to
get a man to take care of you. Your mom programmed you to
manipulate men to take care of you and to get whatever you want
rather than working and taking care of yourself.

COMMENT: Do you realize how much I want to get away from
you, to give up a house I love thats paid for?
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: That shows how horrible I wasto be
able to drive away someone with that perk available.


THE TRUTH: That only shows that you can love property but not
people. You are a cold and cruel user. Get some help.

COMMENT: All 20 years were horrible.
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: I feel terrible that I was horrible for 20
years.
THE TRUTH: Youre a Type Three performer who needs to be in
the spotlight at all times. You blamed me because you werent
fulfilled since you didnt have an audience, so of course it all felt
horrible. But that had nothing to do with me.

COMMENT: Who knowsmaybe in five years we might get back
together.
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: Maybe theres hope, but goddo I
have to wait five years?
REFRAME IT. THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE WOULD HAVE
BEEN TO SAY: What you mean by that is, If I havent found
another man to take care of me in five years, then I might let you
pay my bills some more. Well, you no longer have the option of
living with me. You have forfeited that privilege.

COMMENT: Im leaving you tonight.
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: Im gonna die.
THE TRUTH: Thanks. Im really better off.

Now, here are two more examples to prepare you for writing out
your own. In the first example, we have a quote made to a man by
his wife:

TRAUMA EVENT: I prayed every morning for a year that you
would die.
Then, he writes out the false belief that he accepted as his
truth. For him, he believed:
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: I must really be horrible. I must deserve
to die.


Next, to help him find the actual truth, he reframed the event,
pictured it again, but then came up with an appropriate response
that should have been his conclusion in the first place if he hadnt
been so caught off-guard:
BEEN TO SAY: That does not mean I was horrible for twenty
years. What it does show is how unbelievably sick you are. You
need therapyserious therapy.

Heres another instance using the same process to get free of the
hurt of the lies that are taken to be the truth. Example Two:
TRAUMA EVENT: If you had played your cards right, you could
have had all of me.
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: Oh my gosh. I caused the breakup
since I didnt play my cards right.
BEEN TO SAY: No. You have no ability to commit to a
relationship. Your promises are worth nothing. No one can ever
have all of you, so the fact is that you left because you made the
decision to do so. I could not make you stay, and I could not make
you go.

Now, its your turn. Write in examples from your own life:

TRAUMA EVENT: __________________________________

__________________________________________________.
Then, write out what the result or false belief was that you
accepted as your truth:

RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: _____________________________

__________________________________________________.


Then, reframe the event, picturing it again, but then coming up
with an appropriate response that should have been your
conclusion in the first place if you hadnt been so caught off-
guard:

BEEN TO SAY: ________________________________

__________________________________________________.
Now, try another:

TRAUMA EVENT: __________________________________

__________________________________________________.
Then, write out what the result or false belief was that you
accepted as your truth:
RESULT/FALSE BELIEF: _____________________________

__________________________________________________.
Then, reframe the event, picturing it again, but then coming up
with an appropriate response that should have been your
conclusion in the first place if you hadnt been so caught off-
guard:
BEEN TO SAY: ________________________________

__________________________________________________.

The exercise above is an eye-opener, an attention-getter.
Finding relief from the long-lasting effects of trauma is not
accomplished so easily. Seek professional help. Again, if no one
is available near you, contact www.marielachney.com.

NOW TAKE ACTION NUMBER THREE


Next, write out a statement of truth that defines the degree of
pain that you are feeling. Include something positive that has
come from the hurt youre experiencing. EXAMPLE:

You and your father and brother used me and stole from me for
decades. There isfrom dealing with you and thema dark and
bitter accumulation of debris left in my broken heart. It would be
able to debilitate me or even kill me except that in the
disheartening gloom of your broken promises and vanity and
home-wrecking and adultery and viciousness is a glorious,
brilliant object. I can reach down into the filth and rubbish that you
and your family are and pick up that object. It feels warm and
clean and pure to me, and it is that which makes the pain
bearable. It is that which neutralizes to some degree all of the
agony and harm that I have suffered in dealing with you. It is that
alone which assures me that the torment resulting from exposure
to all of you was not in vain. That warm and pure and clean object
I am lifting up out of the rubble ismy child.

Now, declare your freedom. Stop living under the influence of a
hurtful person. Avoid trying to have a good feeling or a bad feeling
toward an ex. The goal is to have NO feelings about the ex. (If
you still have feelings about another, that person then has power
over your feelings.) Find a position of neutrality. Be neutral about
the illusions of the past and neutral about the future. Peace
comes only in the Present Moment, never when angry about the
past or fearful about the future.


PART ELEVEN
Going Forth and
Creating a Healthier You
and Healthier Relations


As we come to the end of our look at relationships, you may
ask, Why all the focus on the negatives, on the Dark Side of
Relationships? The answer is simple: our assets take care of
themselves, but the Dark Side can be so dark that it calls for a
major overhauling of the way we enter, and operate in,
relationships. Lets review what we have learned: neither men nor
women are marrying for love as a top reason; both have hidden
agendas, often hidden even from themselves;

a Battle of the Sexes will occur; couples are going to be moody
and restless and irritable and often undesirable company because
of body organ needs and mind needs; nearly 50% of all husbands
and wives will have an extramarital affair; 62% of those who
marry are going to divorce; 95% of all marriages with children will
end with the woman leaving and initiating a divorce; more than
50% of the people murdered in urban areas will be murdered
during a breakup. After seeing all that can go wrong, however, I
choose to end on a positive note by discussing what can go right.

All of the above can be overcome if both members of a couple
are willing to do all that is required for a long and healthy
relationship to exist. That means pre-marital or early marital
counseling. It might never be too late, but the earlier the better. It
means understanding your personality type and your mates type
and knowing what to expect and how to avoid problems. It means
following a supplement program to treat the body since it affects
the mind and the emotions.

It means eliminating false pride and ego and arrogance and
judging. It means developing tolerance. It means surviving the
Battle of the Sexes stage by having perspective and knowing that
most of what is debated in relationships is totally insignificant. It


means being honest and open and avoiding deception and self-
deception. It means admitting that you probably did not marry for
love but knowing that the only kind of true loveunconditional
lovecan manifest at some point. The other elements required
for forming a successful relationship Ill share via the healthy one
that I am in.

The relationship is healthy because it started after each had
already conducted a self-inventory, finding strengths and
weaknesses. It came after both of us had already done what was
required to be emotionally, mentally and physically healthy,
having sought help from trained, experienced professionals. We
have personality types that are compatible. We have no demands
to make of the other. It is satisfying only because the two parties
entering into the relationship were already independent, self-
sustaining, and free of any sense of being entitled to be taken
care of by someone else.

The relationship is healthy because it was entered into by two
people who had done the work required to develop SELF-Love,
SELF-Esteem, and SELF-Fulfillment and by two people who had
taken the action to heal body and mind and emotions. What does
that mean?

That means that her moods are stable and my moods are
stable; that means we are treating the organs that help prevent
restlessness and irritability; that means we never wonder Which
person am I really in relationship with? That means that we are
not hanging around a pain in the ass much of the time. We are
honest and open, contributing mutually in any of our dealings
while growing together. We are freed of any false pride and ego
that could take offense from the open and honest comments we
share because we guard our words and never say a mean or
unkind thing to the other. We often prefer the silence.


The relationship is also healthy because it involves two equally
independent people. We formed the current relationship based on
willingness but not on need. Neither needed anything. Neither
had any economic crises that inspired forming an alliance with a
rescuer. Similarly, the physical aspect of our relationship is
healthy, both having been freed of the rigid, puritanical influence
in this culture which, in our experience, so often proves to be the
root of sexual hang-ups, frustration and dysfunction. Finally, the
relationship is healthy because we have compatible educational
levels and because we have no religious dogma to debate or
separate.

Therefore, in spite of all the Dark Side Facts in paragraph one
above, there is hope for those willing to take the action required.
To go with the flow, to go with the masses, is to suffer the horror
of the Dark Side of Relationships. To follow a different course can
set you into the minority with those who have a healthy
relationship. Best regards on the journey into the Light.

THE END
(Thanks for reading)

Are you interested in pre-marital or pre-problem counseling
sessions? They are available in person or by telephone. Do
you want more information about cutting-edge technology
that assesses your organs needs and treats them with
natural supplements? Do you want to learn more regarding
any of the suggestions about the body-mind connection
mentioned in this book? Then visit

www.marielachney.com

Begin by reading the FAQS section. It might change your
life, if you follow through. It changed mine.


Are you interested in reading more about any of the other
topics mentioned? Do you (or you and a partner) need the
budgetary plan mentioned in the book? Do you want more
information about personality types and how those impact
spending habits? Do you want to schedule sessions to
understand your personality type and that of a partner? Then
. . .

PLEASE VISIT MY WEBSITE AT:

www.floydhenderson.com

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