How to Talk to Your Kindergartener

Sometimes, it's necessary to send your child a verbal stop sign. Whether you
need her to stop hitting, tattling, putting someone down, or using inappropriate
language, you need to communicate that desire by using parent talk that is clear and
direct.
But how to go about it? You know that being firm and consistent is essential, but what if
it's ust not working? !ere's what you need to know about talking to your kindergartener
in terms that she will respond to.
"elling a child to #stop whining,$ or #stop calling your brother names% can send a red
light signal that he needs to stop his current behavior. But it produces short&term results,
and only some of the time. "o produce long&term behavior change, parents need clear
communication that not only identifies the behavior that needs to stop, but suggests an
alternative behavior to take the place of the undesirable one. 'or long&term
effectiveness, red light parent talk needs a green light to accompany it.
"he red light(green light system consists of two parts) the red light phase, which
communicates #stop,$ and the green light phase, which teaches a new behavior or gives
a #go.$ "he %stop% may be your number one priority. But if you want your child to learn
new behaviors that permanently replace the old ones, you need to arrange your
language patterns to communicate a %go%, too.
!ere's a step&by&step guide to implementing this approach with your child)
*. +ed light language begins by identifying the behavior by name, such as, #,ohn,
that's name&calling.$ -t's very important that you call the behavior by the same
name every time. -t matters less what you call it, and more that you stick with the
name you decide upon for every occurrence. -n other words, if you call the
behavior %whining% one time, don't call it %complaining% later.
.. "he second part of the red light phase communicates to the child that the
behavior is inappropriate or doesn't work with you, such as, #We don't allow put&
downs in this family.$
/. 0ombine both parts of the red light phase to send a clear signal to the child to
stop. #,ohn, that's name&calling. We voted at the family meeting last week to
eliminate that behavior.$
1. 2nce again, always follow a red light with a green light. "he %go% step is where
you teach the new behavior to tell your child what does work with you. 'or
e3ample, #4lease tell her what you want to have happen and share how you're
feeling.$
When you use clear parent talk, you teach your child that she is only one choice away
from getting what she wants or from acting appropriately. When you teach her the new
behavior, you empower her to be able to make that choice immediately. 5nd guess
what? You make her more capable and more likely to make the appropriate choice, now
and in the future.
1
According to the School Psychologist: Kindergarten
"ry e3plaining to your 6 year old that the ice cube in her glass of uice was once
a tiny puddle of water, or conversely, that the glass of uice itself could be fro7en into a
yummy popsicle, and you might not have much luck. 0hildren in the kindergarten set
process the world around them by how things appear visually. 5ccording to 8r. 9aurie
:elinger, 4h.8., a certified school psychologist with over thirty years e3perience,
children of this age are #egocentric, and are governed by how something visually
appears. "hey do not understand that a ball of clay has the same amount in it when the
same ball is rolled into a long snake.$
Since children of this age lack the understanding that something can change form and
still retain its original properties ;or eventually return to them < as an ice cube melting
back into water=, they see rules as absolute and concrete. "o a kindergartener a rule
cannot be broken for no other reason than the simple fact that she was taught the rule,
and rules are to be followed. >nlike an older child who may see rules as fle3ible and
attempt to interpret or negotiate them, kindergarten aged children perceive rules as
unyielding law. "his is why even a small violation of a playground or classroom rule by
a peer can be met with such an e3treme level of frustration and protest.
5ccording to :elinger, #"he gap between reality and fantasy is not yet firmly
established. "his results in fears rooted in both real and imagined concepts.$ "he
black&and&white viewpoint that children in this age group employ to see the world results
in a desire to engage in familiar activities, and often new or unknown situations are
perceived as distasteful or scary. 8r. :elinger states, #0hildren in this age range want
familiar routines and do not like new situations. "hey are often frustrated by the rift
between their desires and actual abilities, which may lead to outbursts because of the
limited resources available to them.$
So what is the best way to help your child through this all&important phase of
development? 5ccording to 9icensed ?arriage and 'amily "herapist and 4arenting
0oach 9ori 9andau, #Structure, support, and security are going to be your top three
concerns for your child throughout the growing years.$ -f your child has a support
system at home rooted in these three concepts, she will have a better chance of
thriving, both in the kindergarten years and well beyond.

2
Power Struggles with Your Kindergartener:
How to Curb Dishonesty
4arents ;mothers, especially= are infamously good at knowing when their child is
lying. 8espite your intuition, it can still hurt to be right. 0linical psychologist @rik 'isher
says understanding why your child lies can help take the sting out. 4lus, it's important to
your child's development) if you stay emotionally balanced, you can better focus on
helping him fi3 the behavior.
-n his book, The Art of Empowered Parenting, ;2vation Books, .AAB= 'isher says
children most often lie to avoid feeling shame, embarrassment, humiliation or the old
classic #- didn't want to get in trouble.$ !e points out that those are the same reasons
adults lie, too. 5nd therein lies the rub) 2ur culture #is surrounded by e3aggerations,
cover&ups and outright lies, whether in our homes, from our politicians, or in the media,$
'isher says. 4arents can help clear up these mi3ed messages by avoiding those little
white lies themselves.
Because it is all around them, most kids give lying a try. #- think that kids lie more at
younger ages because they're trying to see how it work,% 'isher says. !e stresses that
this is part of a child's natural development and isn't necessarily a psychological
problem. "hat said, repetitive and continued lying can be a symptom of low self&esteem,
attachment problems, and an3iety.
!ere are some of 'isher's guidelines for handling those pesky, and often hurtful, fibs)
Set immediate conseCuences when children lie. 'or e3ample, a letter of apology
to the person they lied to. -f your child lied to cover up something she did wrong,
give her two separate conseCuences and clearly e3plain that the second
conseCuence is for failing to tell the truth. %-f parents talk to their kids about their
actions and help them see how their actions affect things like trust, security,
friendships, freedoms, and responsibilities, they will see that lying is a short term
fi3 and creates a longer&term problem,% 'isher says.
"alk to your children about their motivations for lying. 'isher says kids of
kindergarten age often don't reali7e the way that lies affect relationships because
they still see themselves as the center of the universe and are only looking at
how they benefit from a lie.
0reate an environment where it's easy to tell the truth, by calmly handling your
child's mistakes and problems. %-f kids feel afraid of their parents and the
conseCuences, they're more likely to hide things from them,% 'isher says.
"he ne3t time your child tries to pull your leg, don't push away in anger. -nstead, help
him understand there are alternatives to lying that make everyone feel better about
themselves. !imself included.
3
Social Graces: What to !"ect in Kindergarten
When your kindergartener's best friend came down with the chicken po3, she
made a get&well card for her with bright blue construction paper, because she knows
that's her favorite color. "his isn't ust a cute gesture, it's a sign that your child's social
relationships are gaining in comple3ity and that she is starting to understand the
concept of empathy.
-n a nutshell, empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, and show
others that you understand. 0indy 4ost Senning, great&granddaughter of manners guru
@mily 4ost, says you can leverage your childDs newfound empathy to teach manners
and good behavior. !ow does this work? Basically, 4ost says empathy is like muscle
memory) if your child can remember how bad it feels to be called names, the ne3t time
she gets angry with her little brother she may refrain from using words against him.
-n The Gift of Good Manners: A Parents Guide to Raising Respectful, ind,
!onsiderate !hildren, ;!arper+esource, .AA.=, 4ost and co&author 4eggy 4ost outline
what parents can do to help their children develop empathy)
Teach #alues: "each honesty by never telling falsehoods in front of your child. "ake a
simple e3ample) spinach. Your childDs hatred of the leafy green always causes a stir at
grandmaDs house. @3plain to your child that itDs okay to be honest, as long as you follow
it up with a positive remark) #Erandma, - donDt really care for spinach. But your potatoes
are the bestF$ "his is better than the alternative&&stating youDre full and then pigging out
on apple pieF
Groo$ %&&S&P&&C&T: 4arents should build on the notion of sportsmanship. 'or
e3ample, if your child is angry at his 9ittle 9eague coach for making him play outfield
when he wanted to pitch, brainstorm possible reasons why the coach might have done it
that way. -tDs important to show your child that everyone makes mistakes.
Work on Co$$unication: -f a child has difficulty making eye contact with people, try
making a game out of it. "he ne3t time she's invited to a birthday party, see if she can
remember the color of everyoneDs eyes.
ncourage Table 'anners: "each your child to make basic table conversation by
asking 8ad, #!ow was your day?$
Get (ut&and&About: 'or every event, prepare your kindergartener by giving him a short
list of e3pected behaviors. "hey may not be ready for an upscale ball, but kids of this
age are capable of ?anners *A*. So set some e3pectationsF Your child is able to
practice making basic introductions, such as %!i, my name is 9isa,$ but 4ost says you
shouldn't e3pect your child to introduce their friends and teachers yet.
By focusing on basic social skills in Gindergarten, you are providing your child with a
solid foundation which they can build upon in the later grades.
4
)ullying in Kindergarten
Does bullying really e!ist a$ong kindergarten children* The answer is a
clear yes+ Some teachers and parents may still Cuestion this evidence, thinking that
young children are not capable of #so much meanness$. Based on our research and
research from colleagues during the past *6 years , we can say that children do not
need to be #mean$ to bully peers. "hey ust have to learn that their behavior is
rewarding and they will keep on with their attacks.
+esearch on bullying in kindergarten is still new. Hevertheless, all studies conducted in
different countries have demonstrated that bullying occurs at appro3imately the same
rate in kindergarten as in elementary school ;*, ., /=. What may differ are the forms of
harassment, but the general features are similar. 5n e3ample)
Mi"e would very much li"e to play with #arah, Andrew, and #imon$ %e sometimes as"s
&ut usually gets the same answer: they dont want him$ They ha&itually ignore him or
they tell him he is good for nothing$ %owever, sometimes they as" him to 'oin$ Thats
when they want to play family and need a dog$ (ogs do not spea" and they have to do
everything they are told to$ After some ) minutes Mi"e usually gets very sad and runs
away$
"his is neither a conflict nor a playful situation among eCual peers. "his is a typical case
of bullying and it occurred in a kindergarten and was repeatedly observed by the
teacher. -t has all elements of bullying that we know from older school children) 5 child
who is repeatedly the target of negative acts, several children who stay together to bully
their victim, a situation in which the victim has no chance to defend him(herself and an
adult who does not really know if she(he should intervene.
)ullying is a Social Proble$
"here is agreement among researchers that bullying is a social problem and we can
observe that children take over or are forced into the same kind of roles in kindergarten
as those found among older school children. 'urthermore, children in the group can
influence the process by helping the victim, supporting the bully, or choosing to ignore
what they witness ;1=. "he main roles can be described as follows)
Children Who Are )ullies
We can obser,e children- who$ we call bullies+ "hey have fun in pestering a
specific peer using a broad range of negative behaviors. "hese may range from
hiding shoes, destroying a picture, saying nasty things, refusing to sit beside the
targeted child, to beating, throwing stones and the like. Bullies do not often use
physical means to aggress their victim and seem to be rather manipulative
knowing very well whom they can aggress against without retaliation, where they
can do it unobserved, and even how to get peers to assist them. "hey feel
powerful, like @ric, I years old, who used to say) #-Dm the boss here$. 5lthough
percentages in kindergarten vary depending on the assessment methods that
were used, . -n our kindergarten studies, combining teacher ratings and peer
nominations, we find around *AJ of kindergarteners are bullies. "hese children
are very well aware of social norms and rules, but they have to learn to respect
them.
5
Children Who Are Passi,e #icti$s
2ur studies also indicate that about IJ of kindergarten children can be
categori7ed as "assi,e ,icti$s, children who are victimi7ed by the bully and
some other peers ;the bullyDs assistants= on a regular basis and who do not
retaliate when attacked. "eachers often tell us that these young victims are very
kind children. -n our research, we find that these kindergarteners usually share
belongings, help and console their peers, even if although they do it less often
than children who are never involved in bullying or victimi7ed. "hese passive
victims also seem to have difficulties asserting themselves, saying #Ho, - donDt
want thisF$ 'urthermore, they play alone more often than other children and seem
to have difficulties making friends, approaching other children, asking peers to
play, etc. Hot surprisingly, we also find that these children have fewer friends and
are less liked by peers than bullies or children who are not involved in bullying at
all. -t would be of great help for these children to gain more self&confidence in
social relationships. 'or e3ample, they may benefit from in training in
assertiveness with non&aggressive peers. 5lso, every e3perience of that enhance
their self&competence would be helpful to these children in order to minimi7e their
vulnerability in the peer group.
Children Who Are Aggressi,e #icti$s
"here are also children who themselves behave highly aggressively in the peer
group and who become victimi7ed. We call the$ aggressi,e ,icti$s, and our
studies indicate that this characteri7es about ;around KJ in our studies= of
kindergarteners. "hese children are very impulsive and use physical aggression
much more often than bullies do. "hey seem to lack self&control and to react all
too Cuickly and aggressively to provocations or to what they perceive as such.
5nd even if they defend themselves vehemently, they cannot stop the bullying.
"heir impulsiveness is also #used$ and manipulated by the bullies, who know how
to provoke their outbursts. "hese children also seem to lack skills that are helpful
in finding friends, they actually have few friends and are not well liked by peers.
Children Who Are Assistants to )ullies
"here are also children in the group who do not initiate bullying, but sometimes
assist the bullies, and other children who sometimes are bullied, but not as
regularly as the victims described above.
Children Who Are Witnesses to )ullying
'inally, about half of the children in a kindergarten group never bully peers and
are never attacked by peers. 2ur studies show that these children often feel
angry or sad when they witness bullying and sometimes try to help the victim.
-mportantly, results from our prevention studies show that these children can
learn to help victims. "his, however, has to be combined with clearly defined
behavior rules in the class. "hen, children can very well learn to tell bullies to
stop to bullies ;indicating that the behavior is #against the rules they have agreed
upon$= and to get help from the teacher, when the bully does not stop.
What are the Conse.uences o/ )ullying at this Young Age*
4sychosomatic symptoms & Gindergarten children who are harassed by their
peers have been reported by parents and teachers to be stressed, to show
6
different psychosomatic symptoms ;for e3ample, headaches=, to be afraid of
going to kindergarten and to show depressive symptoms.
4eer reection & -n our studies, we find that bullying among younger children is
very similar to bullying among school childrenL it is a problem that concerns the
whole group of children in the class as well as the adults ;teachers and parents=.
Gindergarten children like victims much less than non&involved peers and even
bullies. 5lso, victims lack friends who could protect them. We know that peer
reection remains stable for years and has long&lasting negative conseCuences
for childrenDs well&being and social adustment ;6= and also may lead to further
victimi7ation ;I=. Eiven such evidence, it is clear that children who lack friends,
who are not well accepted in the group and who even are victimi7ed need special
attention and adultDs help to come out of such vicious circles.
0onseCuently, even if we see that many children in the peer group are upset about
bullying, research findings are very consistent with observations from teachers, showing
that victims and their peers cannot bring the situation to an end and that bullies do not
stop by themselves. 5ll findings indicate that the situation is highly reinforcing for bullies
and that they themselves, like the victims, are confined in their role. "his means that
adults have to become directly involved and stop this harmful situation.
2ur e3perience with the prevention of bullying in kindergarten shows that teachers need
to do the following)
'irst, they need to learn to differentiate between bullying and more typical
interpersonal conflicts between young children, and and to recogni7e early and
the sometimes ambiguous signals of bullying and to do so early on.
Secondly, teachers need to understand that early interventions are necessary to
stop bullying and that it is necessary to talk with the whole class and discuss
acceptable and non&acceptable behavior. 0lear and early communication about
bullying helps children who are victimi7ed ;they feel supported and protected=
and it helps bullies and their assistants who get a clear picture of what is allowed
and not. -t also contributes to a feeling of security in the whole group, as children
perceive that they are not left alone in awkward situations.
5lso, parents should be aware of their role as educators and models and communicate
the same attitudes as teachers do.
So$e 0$"lications o/ our Knowledge about )ullying in Kindergarten:
*ullying is unfair and adults must ta"e it seriously as early as in "indergarten$
*e aware of social, indirect, hidden and am&iguous forms of &ullying+ they
already occur in "indergarten$
Pay attention to symptoms and possi&le indicators of victimi,ation, li"e
unwillingness to go to "indergarten, stress or sadness
-isten to children when they report on .trivial/ daily hassles that seem to upset
them$ 0t may &e one of many hassles$
Tal" with the children a&out .good and &ad things/ happening in the "indergarten
group$
Tal" a&out the unfairness of &ullying and provide children with alternative
&ehaviors
Teach children to say no1
Give children an opportunity to feel competent
7
Give children who feel insecure in situations with peers some social training
2se teaching forms and games that enhance integration of all children
Encourage children who are not involved in &ullying to intervene when they
witness such situations$ They may &e trained to tell the &ully to stop, to as" the
teacher to help or to include the victim in play situations$
5ll recommendations listed above are part of our prevention program against bullying in
kindergarten and school ;B=.
So$e "a"ers /ro$ our tea$ on bullying in kindergarten:
5lsaker, '. 8. ;.AA1=. "he Bernese program against victimi7ation in kindergarten and
elementary school ;Be&4ro3=. -n 4. G. Smith, 8. 4epler, M G. +igby ;@ds.=, Bullying in
schools) !ow successful can interventions be? ;pp..KN&/AI=. 0ambridge) 0ambridge
>niversity 4ress.
5lsaker, '. 8., M Eut7willer&!elfenfinger, @. ;in press=. Social behavior and peer
relationships of victims, bully&victims, and bullies in kindergarten. -n S. +. ,imerson, S.
?. Swearer, M 8. 9. @spelage ;@ds.=, "he -nternational !andbook of School Bullying.
?ahwah, Hew ,ersey) 9awrence @rlbaum 5ssociates
5lsaker, '. 8., M HOgele, 0 ;in press, .AAK=. Bullying in kindergarten and prevention. -n
W. 0raig, M 8. 4epler ;@ds.=, 5n -nternational 4erspective on >nderstanding and
5ddressing Bullying. 4+@PHet Series, Polume -. 4+@PHet) Gingston, 0anada.
5lsaker, '. 8., M HOgele, 0 ;submitted, ,uly .AAK=. Pulnerability to victimi7ation in
kindergarten) Heed for a differentiation between passive and aggressive victims. ?erril&
4almer Quarterly.
5lsaker, '. 8., M Palkanover, S. ;.AA*=. @arly diagnosis and prevention of victimi7ation
in kindergarten. -n ,. ,uvonen, M S. Eraham ;@ds.=, 4eer harassment in school) the
plight of the vulnerable and victimi7ed ;pp. *B6&*N6=. Euilford 4ress. Palkanover, S.,
5lsaker, '. 8., Svreck, 5., M Gauer, ?. ;.AA1=. ?obbing ist kein Ginderspiel. 5rbeitsheft
7ur 4rOvention in Gindergarten und Schule RBullying is not a game) "eachersD book on
preventing bullying in kindergarten and schoolS. Bern) Schulverlag
'ranToise 8. 5lsaker is a professor in developmental psychology at the >niversity of
Berne, Swit7erland. !er special interests are) socio&emotional development and
developmental psychopathology. -n the past years, she has lead two large research
proects on) *= victimi7ation and its prevention through kindergarten and primary school
and .= on Swiss adolescentsD health ;national study=.
%e/erences
*. 5lsaker, '. 8., M HOgele, 0 ;in press, .AAK=. Bullying in kindergarten and
prevention. -n W. 0raig, M 8. 4epler ;@ds.=, 5n -nternational 4erspective on
>nderstanding and 5ddressing Bullying. 4+@PHet Series, Polume -. 4+@PHet)
Gingston, 0anada.
.. 5lsaker, '. 8., M HOgele, 0 ;submitted, ,uly .AAK=. Pulnerability to victimi7ation in
kindergarten) Heed for a differentiation between passive and aggressive victims.
?erril&4almer Quarterly.
8
/. Stassen Berger, G. ;.AAB=. >pdate on bullying at school) Science forgotten?
8evelopmental +eview, .B,NA < *.I.
1. Salmivalli, 0., 9agerspet7, G., BUrkCvist, G., Vsterman, G., M Gaukiainen, 5.
;*NNI=. Bullying as a group process) participant roles and their relations to social
status. 5ggressive Behavior, .., *&*6.
6. ?c8ougall, 4., !ymel, S., Paillancourt, "., M ?ercer, 9. ;.AA*=. "he
conseCuences of early childhood reection. -n ?. 9eary ;@d.= -nterpersonal
+eection ;pp. .*/&.1B=. Hew York) 23ford >niversity 4ress.
I. 9add, E. W. M "roop&Eordon, W. ;.AA/=. "he role of chronic peer difficulties in
the development of children's psychological adustment problems. 0hild
8evelopment, B1, */11&IB.
B. 5lsaker, '. 8. ;.AA1=. "he Bernese program against victimi7ation in kindergarten
and elementary school ;Be&4ro3=. -n 4. G. Smith, 8. 4epler, M G. +igby ;@ds.=,
Bullying in schools) !ow successful can interventions be? ;pp..KN&/AI=.
0ambridge) 0ambridge >niversity 4ress.
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