What If

Copyright 2014 by Bayli Lane

Cover Designer: Eden Crane Design
Photographer: MaeIDesign www.MaeIDesign.com
Models: Ripp Baker and Laurel Marie
Formatter: Integrity Formatting
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the authors imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental. Copyright 2014 by Bayli Lane.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce, distribute, or transmit in any form or by any means.
Have you ever asked yourself what if? This is for you.
A Message from the Author
Prologue
Part One
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Part Two
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Epilogue
Playlist
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Because of Copyright Laws... I couldnt actually include the lyrics to the song Dear God by
Avenged Sevenfold. However, it is highly recommended that you listen to the song and even look up
the lyrics when the song is mentioned. Plus, its a great song.
(If you have the Spotify App installed on your reading device you can click on the song title hyperlink
and play the track)
The twist in my stomach when he walked into a room, the feeling of completion when his arms
wrapped around me in an encompassing hug, the tightness in my chest when his eyes crinkled at the
sides when I made him laugh or smile, the smell of tobacco on his clothing as I breathed in with my
face tucked into his neck, the never ending trust when he drove twenty miles over the speed limit: its
alarming the things I still remember about my time with Arrow.
I remember every word, every action, every hug. I remember when his lips would touch my
cheek, or the time we nearly kissed but stopped. I remember the fuming look in his eyes every time we
had an argument, the glassy look when we had to say goodbye. I remember him being scared when his
mom kicked him out of the house, the long phone calls full of laughter, the heated argument we had
when he broke up with my friend. I remember all of it.
Arrow and I met when we were fourteen. We went to the same high school. It was the first party
Id ever been when Arrow and I found each other. We were opposites in some ways and like minds in
others. We were both hot headed in the sense that we didnt let people take advantage of us. Arrow
was worse, though. He got into fights on a regular basis; someone could look at him wrong and hed
have their throat in his hands. But with me with me he was tender, caring.
Ill never forget the exact moment Arrow came barreling into my life like he was always meant
to be there. I arrived at the party nearly an hour before when I found myself out in the backyard
looking over the patio and into the newly mowed grassy landscape. Darcy, my best friend, danced
inside with a drink in her hand, surrounded by guys. She was that kind of girl - the kind to get a males
attention without even trying. I needed to get some air. Some boy in our class that I didnt know didnt
seem to understand the signals I was giving him that I was not interested. So, without further ado, I
told Lance that I needed to run to the restroom, and I made my way outside to get away from his
overly friendly fingers.
I leaned against the wooden rails wrapping around the deck area and took in a deep breath,
allowing my shoulders to relax, when I heard the sound of the back door cracking open. I looked over
my shoulder and found Lance walking towards me. Enough was enough. He clearly needed me to be
harsher with him to get my point across.
Lance, listen, Im not interested in a relationship. Im here to have some fun tonight. Thats it.
He laughed cruelly while continuing his stride towards me. Briar, Im just here for a little bit of
fun too. He stood directly in front of me and ran his chilled fingers down my arm which made me
cringe and break out into nervous goose bumps.
What are you doing? I muttered while shifting my weight to the other foot and trying to create
space between his body and mine.
One of his fingers trailed across my shoulder, across my collarbone and started to head south to
my breast. Having fun. The words were barely audible as his eyes zoned in on my chest.
I slapped his hands away from me. Hands off, Lance, I hissed out and tried sidestepping him
and moving towards the door leading inside of the house.
Not so fast. Before I had time to react, Lance had me backed up to the wooden rail, his body
pinning me and pushing me away from the door so no one could see us.
Fear screamed inside of me, telling me now was the time to fight back, warning me that Lance
had one purpose and one purpose only for being out there with me.
I tried lifting my legs to knee him, but I couldnt get my legs up high enough. His legs were
tightly pressing mine to the wooden rail. My arms were tucked to my chest and incapable of moving
due to his pectorals pressing into me.
The smell of his sweat filled my senses when he leaned in and pressed an open mouthed, sloppy
kiss to my neck, right below my ear. Id remember that smell forever; this moment would change me
if I couldnt get away from him, Id never be the same girl. I knew it deep inside of me.
Dont do this, I squeaked out.
His answer was a moan and lick to my neck.
This cant happen!
I leaned forward pressing my lips to his neck, letting him think I was going to kiss there; instead
I sank my teeth into his skin.
He roared, pulling his face out of my chest. I let go when his hands started to squeeze my sides
painfully. I knew I was grimacing, that tears were forming in my eyes, that bruises would form where
his fingertips dug into my skin. He narrowed his disturbed eyes at me.
Youll pay for that. His right hand let go of my side and moved to the button of my jeans where
he quickly unbuttoned them and started sliding his hand inside.
Stop! Please stop! I cried out while his hand moved dangerously close to a zone no one had
ever gone and a place I definitely didnt want him to touch. I whimpered when I felt him touch the
waist of my panties.
What the fuck is going on here? a masculine voice demanded from behind Lance. I tried
looking over his shoulder, but I couldnt see his face.
Help! I yelled out as loudly as my voice would go.
I clenched my eyes together; silently sending a prayer up that whoever was out here with us
would help me. I heard the thundering of footsteps and before I opened my eyes, felt Lances body
being ripped away from me. I sucked in a breath and opened my eyes to find a bigger guy holding
Lance up against the side of the house, his neck in his hands. Lances eyes were opened wide and
dilated with fear, and his mouth hung open, trying without succeeding in taking in a breath.
I watched, enthralled with the bulging veins in the arms of the guy that just saved me. I wanted to
see his face so badly I could physically feel my heart thudding up and down in my chest.
Do you like hurting women, you piece of shit? he asked what I assumed to be a rhetorical
question since Lance couldnt even breathe, let alone speak.
I continued staring as he leaned into Lance and started speaking in a lower voice. I tried my
hardest to hear whatever he had to say, but I couldnt make out the words. Suddenly he let go, and
Lance went running around the house, looking like he was running for his life. Heck, maybe he was. I
hoped so.
I never took my eyes off of the guy who managed to scare Lance, not even when he started
walking towards me. It only took him a few steps before he stood directly in front of me. Worry
creased his brows.
Those eyes. I couldnt tell if I was breathing, because those deep, whiskey eyes stunned me.
Are you okay? he asked, looking back and forth from one of my eyes to the other.
It finally hit me, in that exact moment, looking up at this stranger, that I was okay. That what I
thought was going to happen did not happen. First, relaxation fluttered over my limbs causing my
shoulders to loosen and my stomach to unwind its knots, and then I felt utter gratitude.
Thank you so much, I said in a whisper, my voice refusing to get any louder because my throat
was tightening with emotion. Without thinking, I threw my arms around the guys waist, gripping with
all the strength I had, laid my head against his chest and shook as relieved sobs began thundering
through me.
Its okay, he said soothingly as his arms wrapped around me. One hand began moving up and
down my back in a calming way.
After a minute okay, maybe two, I lifted my face from his chest and looked up at his strikingly
handsome face. He was clearly my age, but there was something that hinted at maturity too. I pulled
away, and he dropped his arms to his sides and watched my every move. I wiped at my cheeks.
Im sorry for that. I gestured to his body.
Its not a problem. Are you alright? he wondered.
My arms crossed under my chest as I nodded up and down. Thanks to you. He was going to I
couldnt get the words out.
Yeah, he was going to. Hes not going to come near you again though. If he does, Ill kill him.
He said this like a promise.
I smiled up at him shyly. I think I should know your name so that I know who Im giving an
alibi to when the cops come looking for you.
He smiled, but it was weak like mine. We were both still worked up from the situation that went
down only a few moments ago.
Im Arrow Donovan. You?
Briar Kelly.
He smiled.
I smiled.
And thats when I knew: I was a goner.
Arrow and I talked for hours at that party. We laughed; we flirted. We ended up on the worn
carpet floor in a dimly lit bedroom. We were lying down, facing one another, his right arm perched on
top of my hip, the scent of his skin and the strong tobacco on his breath taking over my senses.
At the time, this seemed risqu. I was young and in like with a bad boy at my new school. I
remember wondering if he was going to kiss me and whether I was ready to let him go to second base.
But we didnt kiss. We talked about everything - from our distancing relationship with our parents, to
our lack of siblings, our worst and best memories, and which classes we were taking.
I fell asleep tucked comfortably into his warm chest, the fingers on his right hand rubbing gently
back and forth over my shirt at my waist.
I wish I could go back to that moment, make myself stay awake and not allow sleep to take over.
If only I wouldve stayed awake the scene that I awoke to wouldnt have become my ugly reality for
the next few years.
Arrow was no longer lying next to me. The room felt emptier, colder than before without Arrow
there with me. Twenty minutes passed since my eyes closed. I stood up and made my way out to the
living room where the party was still taking place. In a circle, on the floor, everyone was seated and
playing truth or dare. I watched in horror as Arrow was dared to kiss my friend Darcy. Darcy gave
Arrow her come-hither look, and he gave her that sly smile Id grown so fond of in such a short
amount of time. Then Darcy was in his lap and giving him the kiss of a lifetime.
I felt physically ill. Darcy wasnt a bad friend. She had no idea of the crush I had on Arrow. If she
did, she never wouldve done this; she wouldnt hurt me like that. But it wasnt Darcy who really hurt
me. It was Arrow kissing her back with a fierceness Id imagined hed kiss me with.
After that night, I took on the title best friend with Arrow. We passed notes back and forth to
each other in between classes. Numerous inside jokes were formed on those small, torn pieces of
loose-leaf paper, folded in strange ways or crumbled to look like trash so teachers wouldnt know they
were notes. Wed draw stupid pictures, make fun of people who pissed us off, and sometimes, well
sometimes it felt like we flirted.
After that first party, Arrow and Darcy started dating. Their relationship was passionate. They
were so physically drawn to one another that when they were near each other, it was like nobody else
existed. Theyd kiss in the middle of the hallway and ignore the Dean when he chastised and warned
them of the consequences. More often than not, Id curse them underneath my breath and pray that
theyd end up in detention until they swore they wouldnt show affection in school. Seeing them
together like this after school was bad enough.
At the beginning it was awkward. I was that third wheel that no one ever wants to be. Especially
when youve fallen pretty hard for your friends boyfriend and that boyfriend only considered you to
be his best friend. Imagine the horror when I walked in on Darcy on top of him after only a few
months of them dating. She was clearly naked and moving up and down on his lower half. It doesnt
take a genius to figure out what they were doing. I cried myself to sleep that night. That was also the
first night Arrow didnt call me.
That horrible scene kicked my senses back to reality. Seeing just how far Arrow and Darcy had
gone together was further proof that it was time for me to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and
glue them back together as best as I could. It was time for me to find my own life and not focus on
what I would never have.
I started dating Kai a few months later. Hed already been hanging out with us at lunch and
sometimes after school. Once we started dating, he intermingled into our group easily. The awkward
threesome became a tightly knit foursome.
Kais and my relationship was good for a little while. He made me laugh constantly at the early
stages, when butterflies take over your stomach and your throat hurts from talking so long at night.
Those were good times.
My relationship with Arrow still had strange moments. One time when Kai and Darcy were busy,
Arrow and I decided to hang out and listen to music at his house. Every so often my phone would go
off and Id quickly swipe my finger across the screen to see what Kai had texted. After the tenth or
eleventh ding, Arrow seemed visibly agitated.
If you dont want to be here, I can have my mom drive you home. His brows were furrowed and
his eyes slit as he glared down at me.
I shifted my legs out from underneath me on his bed and stretched them out. I purposefully
kicked his side in the process. His hand wrapped around my ankle and placed it down next to him. He
didnt let go.
Why? Its just Kai. My words slightly stuttered out of my mouth as I zeroed in on the pressure
of his fingers against my skin.
Well it seems Kai is preoccupying your time even when hes not here, he grumbled out.
Stop being so whiny. Its not my fault Darcys too busy to text you.
Im not being whiny. I think its rude that while were trying to spend time together, I cant even
have your full attention for five damn minutes.
Oh, Im sorry. I was unaware that there were rules for when we hang out, I said sarcastically,
adding an eye roll. I tried kicking his hand off of my ankle by jerking my leg towards me. He only
pulled harder, causing my butt to scoot along the bed and closer to him.
With his free hand, he grabbed the phone out of mine, turned it off, and shoved it into his front
pocket before I could get to it.
Come on, Arrow. Give it back!
Come and get it. His eyes dared me to. I gasped and turned pink when I looked down at his lap.
He chuckled at me. You can have it back when you go home. He seemed overly proud of himself,
but I was too chicken shit to reach into his pocket. That would be so close to a certain piece of Arrow I
really shouldnt be close to.
Alone time with Arrow didnt happen very often, especially after that night. I felt too awkward.
His constant teasing and flirting always got the best of me, and I knew if I continued to spend time
with him without our other friends Id end up doing or saying something that would cross a line. I
couldnt do that to him, Kai, or Darcy.
Time went by and we were into our sophomore year of high school. We still spent most weekends
together and wed often go over to Darcys house.
Her mom was a single mother and let us get away with more than my or Kais parents would.
Arrows parents argued more often than not, we didnt spend very many nights at that home either.
But when we were at Darcys wed all act completely nuts - playing stupid games, telling raunchy
stories, drinking
It was one of those drinking nights; Darcys mom was out. Arrow and Darcy were probably in her
room making out or having sex, Kai and I were making out in the living room. We hadnt gone any
further because, honestly, it didnt feel right. I still thought of Arrow in ways I shouldnt. Impossible.
It felt impossible to move on from Arrow when he was around me all of the time. The way he cracked
jokes, teased and smiled at me. Not even Kai made me feel what Arrow did. He was still the only guy
that made my heart accelerate and then could make it slow down to a steady slow beat when he held
me close in a hug.
Kai and I had just sat up for a breather. We were getting pretty touchy with one another and I
pushed him away before it went even further. I gave a weak excuse about needing to use the restroom
and jumped up from the couch like my ass was lit up by firecrackers and sped to the hallway where the
one and only bathroom waited.
The door was closed though, the light on, and I could hear the sink running. I worried that
someone was getting sick so I knocked lightly on the door and whispered something similar to, are
you okay. No one answered. I cracked open the door and peeked inside, finding Arrow bent over the
sink, his face dripping with water from him splashing it against his skin, his palms were covering his
eyes. I slid in the narrow opening of the door quietly and closed it behind me, closing Arrow and me
into the small room.
Hey, I muttered to his broad back that had grown insanely in the last year. I put my hands on
his shoulders and squeezed. Do you need me to grab you a glass of water? I asked.
His back bent towards me when he took in a breath and let it out. Then his left hand made its way
to his back where he grabbed hold of my hand and held onto me tightly.
No, I dont need water. His voice was a whisper but still a deep baritone. After a few more
body clenching breaths, he turned around. He still held my hand in his. He leaned heavily against the
porcelain sink. The button on his jeans was undone and his white t-shirt had wrinkles in it. My head
swam with desire. I had to, nearly physically, force my gaze to stay on his face. The way his shirt
stretched against his powerful pectorals made it virtually impossible.
It wasnt my willpower that finally made me look up at his face; it was Arrows actions. His left
hand let go of its grasp on my right and came up to my cheek. His right hand took its place on my left
cheek. I looked up at him, expecting to meet his glance. However, his eyes were on my lips. His left
pointer finger moved in slow motion over to my parted lips and traced each lip, just barely touching.
Theyre swollen, he said quietly. I was still focused on the fact that he was touching me so
intimately that I didnt understand his meaning.
Im sorry, what? I stuttered out.
Your lips. Theyre red. A little puffy, he explained, his eyes narrowing.
I licked my dry lips. They did feel swollen. Kai and I had been kissing for at least an hour.
Yeah, they are. I took a deep breath, smelling the room that was full of Arrow.
Kissing, he stated. lots of kissing.
Blinking rapidly, trying to keep up with the small sentences leaving Arrows mouth, tension lines
formed between my brows.
Yes. I took a step backward, my backside hitting the wall behind me. There wasnt enough
room in the bathroom to allow me to think straight without the influence of Arrow.
He wouldnt let me get away from his touch. He stepped into me, his knee pressing against my
leg, his breath heating the slick skin on my forehead.
Does he make you happy, Briar? he inquired.
I bit down on the inside of my cheek, fighting back the words begging to spill over and plead for
him to be the one to make me happy. I wanted to implore him to leave Darcy and be with me! But I
couldnt do it! Darcy loved Arrow and from what I could see, Arrow loved her back. I couldnt ruin
my friendship with both of them over old, persistent feelings I couldnt seem to shrug off.
Yeah, Arrow, he makes me happy. I swallowed with difficulty; my saliva felt like glass sliding
down my esophagus.
He nodded up and down, his hands sliding down to my shoulders. He held me tightly as he leaned
in and kissed the corner of my mouth. My eyelids fluttered closed when his warm lips touched and
then left my skin. Then, just when I was ready to tell him every hidden emotion I felt, he let go of my
shoulder and opened the door.
For the second time, I just stood there and watched my future walk away from me. I was stuck
like a statue in one spot, but unlike a statue, I knew what was taking place around me. Emptiness filled
my chest, my heart stopped. Breathing was no longer necessary, and blood seemed to stop running
through my veins. Who needs their blood to pump to their limbs when their heart will never be whole?
There comes a point when every feeling is a bad one, like when you fall asleep because your eyes
cant stand to leak out one more tear, or when youre no longer living but instead simply existing.
Thats how my life went for months after that night at Darcys. We were now in our junior year
and I was nearly seventeen. I fooled the majority of my friends into believing I was the same girl they
met when we were all fourteen years old. I wasnt. I was broken, a shadow of the person I used to be. I
didnt care.
My relationship with Kai got more physical without any substance ever being built. I went with
the motions. If he wanted to take it to the next level, I allowed it. Before long, my virginity was gone,
and I was still living in a numb state. I didnt have any real connection with Kai. He was nice most of
the time. He involved me in his life. His parents adored me.
It wasnt until one horrible evening of our junior year that I felt something different fear.
I pissed Kai off. I dont remember how or why. Then, once he was angry, I stopped responding to
him. I shut down. This was odd behavior for me. Typically, I wouldnt allow anyone to talk or call me
the things Kai did that night. Yet, I sat there and tuned him out until I couldnt tune him out any
longer because his hands were squeezing my wrists to the point of pain. I winced and tried pulling
away. He didnt let go. Thats when fear webbed its way into my consciousness.
Id lost myself. Somewhere along the way, in my time of numbness, Kai had begun to walk all
over me because he could and because I never did or said anything about it. I had no idea how long it
had gone on. I didnt know when we switched from a mutual benefitting relationship to it being a
singular one. All I knew was that my silence had finally gotten the better of Kai, and he couldnt take
it anymore.
I called him every name in the book, scratched at the hands holding me hostage, tore his skin and
made him bleed. He let go and looked at me like he didnt even know who I was anymore.
He drove me home in complete silence that night. I think we both knew that we were over. Words
werent needed. Apologies were unnecessary because we both had way too much to say sorry for.
When we pulled up in front of my house, his hand went to my knee. I looked over at him. Our eyes
met for a brief moment in time where we both understood what the other felt. It was over.
Tears came to me that night after a year of not being able to cry. I cried for the lost time. I cried
for a life Id never have with my best friend. I cried because thats all I could do.
It just so happened that it was Spring Break when the break up with Kai occurred and all of the
emotions Id kept buried deep inside came to a head. I turned my phone off after the tenth phone call
from Arrow and the fifth call from Darcy. Getting out of bed was a chore, holding a conversation with
the both of them wouldve been impossible. Seeing his name light up every ten minutes was making
my stomach ache and my mouth sour.
It wasnt healthy how I became an invalid because of a guy. The truth is, I never thought Id
become that girl, that girl who falls in love in high school. I especially never imagined Id become
that girl who falls for a guy she cant have.
He came to my house that afternoon, worried sick. My parents werent home, luckily. They were
never big fans of my friendship with Arrow. They thought he was nothing but trouble and would get
me into some bad shit. What they didnt understand was the fact that Arrow would never let me take
part in anything that could somehow cause me harm. He was protective in that way. He was a heavy
smoker, but he refused to light up in front of me. It didnt matter that I told him it was okay, that I
wouldnt be mad. He didnt want me around the smoke.
The knock came at the door around three in the afternoon on a Saturday. My parents were at my
grandmas house, and I was free to wallow in my bedroom under my covers.
I got out of bed when the doorbell began ringing in an incessant rhythm throughout the house. I
had on a pair of those really short cheerleading shorts that all the girls wore and a red t-shirt that Id
decorated for a pep rally last year. My hair was in a wild knot, piled at the top of my head. Wisps of
dark blonde framed my cheeks. Tear streaks were dry and crusty on my face.
I cracked the door open and peered out the small space.
Arrow stood there in his loose jeans and comfortable, black shirt looking like he was
contemplating breaking down my door.
His eyes darted upward when the door opened, and his mouth parted as he took in my swollen,
red eyes.
Jesus, he commented and pushed his way into the living room. His hands wiped at my cheeks
and eyes like he could get rid of all the tears Id cried in the past night and day.
I look that bad, huh? I tried to joke.
He didnt laugh. What the hell happened, Briar?
Kai and I broke up. I couldnt tell him the real reason I was wrecked.
Shit, Briar. Why didnt you answer the phone and tell me? I wouldve come over when it
happened. Arrow shook his head. His brown hair, longer than usual, shook with the movement. His
thumbs dipped into the front pockets of his jeans as he mulled over what to say next. Then his whiskey
eyes lifted and met mine. Lets go on a drive. His front teeth showed from the small smirk he gave
me.
Arrow knew what I needed, somehow. He didnt know the real reasons behind my heart break, but
he knew that being in the passenger seat of his truck while he doubled the speed limit would help put
me back together again.
The only answer I could give was a small, but real, grin.
Let me put some jeans on and wash my face I turned and walked towards my bedroom. I
should probably brush my teeth too, I said over my shoulder.
Arrow chuckled. I wasnt going to say anything, he teased.
I ignored his laughter and shimmied into a pair of jeans lying on the ground in my bathroom and
then quickly freshened up. I brushed my hair out and put it back in a messy bun. Now it at least looked
less slept on and more intentional. I debated on makeup and decided against it. I did, however, take a
few extra minutes to gargle after brushing my teeth.
Lets go, I said as I walked into the hallway and out to the living room. Arrow already had the
front door open and smiled over at me like he read my mind.
We both had our windows rolled down. I had my right arm hanging out of the window; the speed
of the air rushing by me made the skin on my hand move in waves.
The only sound was the whistling of the air coming through the doors and the rev of the engine
every time he pressed his foot down on the gas pedal. The radio was turned off and neither of us had
said a word since we left my house thirty minutes ago.
Arrow didnt slow down when we reached a dirt road. His truck could handle the extra bumps and
crevices in the ground; he knew how to handle his car. He also didnt slow down when I felt his glance
on the side of my face. I didnt chance a look at him though, in fear that tears would prickle in my
eyes again. It was becoming more difficult to not tell him how I felt. Especially now that we were
alone.
His right hand left the steering wheel and wrapped around my left knee. I still kept my eyes on
the road in front of us. The trees were starting to bloom with flowers ranging from pink to white and
the smell in the air was a sweet, springtime aroma. His fingers tightened around my leg, and he tugged
me, causing me to slide over in the bench seat and closer to his side.
You want to talk about it? he asked. His hand still rested on my jean-clad lower thigh. I gulped
down the flowery air and angled myself so that I could see Arrows face. His jaw was tense, causing
his jawbone to protrude just below his ear. His eyelashes were long and curled upward towards the
ceiling of the truck.
Theres not much to say, I conceded.
Arrow jerked the car to the right causing me to jump in my seat from the unexpected switch in
direction. He slowed down and then threw the truck into park. My hands were at my chest trying to
calm my heart down.
Was that necessary? I asked through tense breaths.
Are you going to talk to me about whats going on? Or are you just going to keep pushing me
away? One of his thick eyebrows rose high on his forehead. His chest hollowed when he let out a
breath. You were a mess when I came over today. Youre upset, and I want to talk about it.
Theres nothing to talk about, Arrow. Its not that big of deal, okay? Let it go. I shifted
uncomfortably with where this conversation was heading. He knew me better than most people did. He
knew something was wrong, but the problem was he thought I was drastically upset over Kai. I wasnt.
Arrows eyes closed as his face morphed into a canvas of pained features.
Listen, I know we never talked about how far you and Kais relationship went. But, guys talk
and Kai told me when you two had sex the first time. I mean, he wasnt being a dick and bragging
about it. We were just having a conversation, you know? I cringed visibly but didnt comment.
Anyway, I know he was your first, Briar. Arrows hand covered mine on the area of the seat between
us. I still remember the first time we met. You remember that night? he asked. I nodded; sometimes
I wondered if I was the only one of us that remembered how things were with us that night. That was
one of things we talked about that night. You said you were a virgin. You said you were going to wait
until you really loved somebody. I still remember that, Briar, because I remember the look in your
eyes when you said it. You meant it. But, Christ, Briar, I know you werent in love with Kai.
My eyes snapped to his, meeting those whiskey irises. I narrowed my dark brown ones at him.
Are you judging me now, Arrow?
He became visibly annoyed; his jaw clenched, eyebrows furrowed, nostrils flared. You know
Im not. Im just trying to figure out whats really going on here. Youve been a different person for
too long. I tried to ignore it. I tried to let it go and let you figure out whatever in the hell you were
trying to discover about yourself. But, it backfired. You turned inward. Instead of digging yourself out
of wherever your mind went, you got lost. I lost you, Briar, and I want to know where you went! His
voice rose at the end.
I knew the moment I looked into Briars blood shot eyes that she was back. The real Briar, my
Briar, was back. She hadnt shown any real emotion in over a year. I hated seeing that the emotion she
was feeling now was pain, but at the same time I was just happy to know that I hadnt lost her forever.
Getting her to tell me what happened a year ago to make her fade into herself was, at best,
frustrating. I thought it had something to do with Kai and my best guess was that it had to do with him
pushing her to have sex. If he did pressure her, I was going to kick his ass. As I questioned Briar, she
stilled. I watched, helplessly, as her eyes swam with tears causing the flecks of green in her brown
eyes to become brighter. Immediately, I regretted my inquisition. She was clearly hurt deeper than I
imagined.
Dont cry, I pleaded. Briar, I want to know everything. But if youre not ready to talk about it,
Ill wait.
Her body shuddered as she fought back her tears. I couldnt take it anymore. I grabbed her around
the waist and pulled her into my lap. I fastened my arms tightly around her, pulling her against my
chest until she laid her head on my shoulder. Wetness soaked into the fabric where her tears finally
spilled over. Rubbing from the back of her neck down to her lower back, I whispered soothing sounds,
praying that my damaged girls tears would heal her broken soul.
I love you, Briar. She didnt hear me because she fell asleep in my arms, emotionally
exhausted.
I carefully adjusted her over to the middle of the bench seat. She awoke lightly, her eyes trying to
open only to close again, her breathing becoming slow and steady, her head lying against the side of
my shoulder. I perused the small hills of her face, the small indent between her eyebrows, the little
wrinkles on the side of her lips. There was a natural color to her lips that was almost red and her brows
were slightly darker than her hair. They arched up in the center of each of them. Briar was a naturally
beautiful woman. Without makeup her features were soft; with makeup those same features became
fierce. I enjoyed both.
Switching the car back to drive, I maneuvered us back onto the road. I went slower than before,
letting her sleep, and selfishly wanted to have her next to me longer, even if she was sleeping. At least
she was asleep against me.
The sun was lowering, giving the sky a multitude of colors: oranges, pinks, reds, and variations of
blue by the time I pulled into her driveway. She was still conked out. I had my arm around her
shoulders. I began running the hand around her through her hair, hoping I could wake her easily. She
stirred but didnt open her eyes until I caressed her cheek and said her name against her ear.
Briar, were home.
She blinked a few times and then sat up. Immediately, I missed the pressure of her weight against
me.
How long have I been out? she asked as she looked out the window at the setting sun.
A few hours. I kept my arm resting on the back of her seat.
Her brows furrowed and she looked at me curiously.
What did you do while I was sleeping? Just drive around? she asked, pushing her hair away
from her face and rubbing tiredly at her eyes.
Her nose scrunched up, making me smile and without thinking, lean in to press a kiss to her
forehead.
Yeah, you needed to sleep, and I didnt want to wake you up, I answered with a shrug.
That had to be boring. She tugged at her lower lip with her forefinger and thumb.
I pulled her hand away. Not at all. You know how I like going on drives. I smiled down at her.
I just had a pretty girl as company this time.
Her face turned a shade of pink, making me chuckle and her to blush brighter. A set of headlights
lit up in my rearview mirror.
Your parents are home, I stated.
She jumped in her seat and turned around, not wanting to believe they were home. Briars never
told me that her parents dont like me, but Im pretty sure if they had a shit list, Id be on it. She
cursed under her breath, a frown forming and causing her lips to pull down at the sides.
Well, I guess I better get inside. Thanks for today, she said with sincerity.
Anytime. She started to go for the passenger door. I stopped her by taking hold of her left arm
and pulling her back into the car. Nuh uh, not so fast. I dragged her across the seat and into my arms
for a hug. I mean it, Briar. Anytime. You can tell me whats been really going on whenever youre
ready. But you know Im not a patient person, so sooner would be better, I teased her at the end to
lighten the mood.
Her hold on me tightened around my neck, and I swear I heard her inhale deeply.
Patience is a virtue, she giggled lightly into my ear.
I never claimed to be virtuous.
That caused her body to shake with laughter in my arms. She pulled back, her face only inches
from mine, and she looked directly into my eyes, still laughing. Its true. You will definitely not go
down in history for your virtue.
She patted my cheek when I smiled at her. Before I could take her into my arms again, she was
out of the truck door and jogging towards her house. Her parents were standing there watching and
giving me the stink eye.
As I drove home I thought back to when I met Briar.
The first day Briar thought we met wasnt the first time we ever saw or spoke to one another. I
laid eyes on Briar the very first day of high school. It was halfway through the day, right after lunch,
when I saw her. Her hair was shorter back then, the same dark blonde color, and had a shine that
caught in the light. It couldve been the musical ring to her laugh that caught my attention, or maybe it
was just my glance finding her randomly in the rambunctious crowd of students making their way to
class.
I wont say that I was pulled to her like some supernatural link you hear about in all those cheesy
movies. Thats not how it was. There was no invisible thread linking me to her, but, even then, without
speaking a word to her, I knew she was extraordinary. When she stopped conversing with her friend
walking next to her, she looked forward, meeting my gaze. She smiled at me with a small, sweet, but
genuine smile. She didnt know me from any other Joe, but still, she gave me that fresh grin, a little
piece of sunshine lighting up my world. Not many people in this world exist like that, the type of
person that smiles at a stranger for no other reason than kindness.
She was different from me. Going out of my way to make a stranger feel good wasnt my typical
motto for life. I certainly didnt spend time grinning up at people that didnt do anything to put a
smile on my face.
Its strange the things we first notice about a person. Ive heard that first impressions last a
lifetime. Once a person gets that first good look at you, they almost instantly know whether or not
they are going to enjoy your company. For the first time in my life, I was praying to the heavens that
her impression of me was a good one, because the first one I got of her was beyond words.
Without noticing, she dropped her pen. It tumbled to the old, carpeted floor of the high school. I
grabbed it up from the ground and turned to her. Her back was towards me as she walked the opposite
direction than me.
Hey, I exclaimed. She turned around with that constant smile still curving her lips.
Yes? she asked.
You dropped your pen. I held out the pen for her and adjusted my backpack on my shoulder
with the other hand.
She looked down at the black ballpoint pen and then back at my face. You can keep it.
An irrational amount of joy filled me. I felt like she had just given me some tremendous gift
when in reality it was a pen.
We didnt speak again until that party. I didnt even want to think about the douche who had
Briar backed up and planned on taking her against her will. When I walked out there, I saw red. I
wanted to murder that guy, but more than anything, I wanted to make sure she was okay. I threatened
him and watched as he ran off and didnt look back. Then I made my way to Briar who looked scared
to death and like she wasnt breathing. After comforting her and introducing myself, we really started
talking. Somehow we ended up in an empty bedroom.
Thats when we really sat down and got to know one another. The more I learned, the more I
liked. Interesting people arent the ones who agree with everything that you say. They dont have to be
wild and crazy. Interesting people are the ones that clearly have some deeper thoughts rolling through
their brain. Briar had that. The comments she would make or the opinions she had on subjects were
well thought out, but if she didnt have an answer for something, she didnt make up one that she
thought would be similar to my thoughts. Instead shed sit there quietly and mull over in silence, or
shed ask questions to help her understand further.
Of course, we ended up on the subject of sex. That always seems to get brought up when youre
having a conversation with a truly stunning girl. Honestly, it was me that brought it up because, well,
when I had Briar lying next to me on the ground and an arm resting across her waist, how could I not
bring it up?
Briar blushed bright red, but then she giggled lightly.
Ive only kissed a couple of boys.
I was shocked. Briar was the type of girl guys definitely wanted to kiss. Her only being kissed by
a few of them, and the fact thats as far as shed ever gone, dumbfounded me.
Whats that look for? she asked.
Just a little hard to believe, I answered truthfully. I began rubbing my fingers back and forth
over the shirt covering her hip. I wasnt going to try and kiss her because, I was sure, shed want to
know me better before that happened. That didnt mean I couldnt enjoy flirting with her. She didnt
seem to mind.
What part is hard to believe? she asked, her eyes closed, her eyelashes touching the tops of her
cheekbones. Her head was resting on her right arm.
That you havent gone further.
Her brown eyes opened and met mine. Im waiting until I really love someone. Her eyebrows
drew together as she thought about what she wanted to say. I waited patiently, wondering what shed
come up with. Its not what you think. Im not on some moral high, preaching that anyone who has
sex is wrong or immature or not ready, she started. I just know me and I know that for me its going
to have to mean something for me to really enjoy it. And honestly, Im in no hurry to fall in love. So I
dont see my v-card being deactivated anytime soon. She laughed softly, That doesnt mean I wont
enjoy all the stuff that comes before sex. Im a teenager after all. I have to make some mistakes at
some point, right? she teased.
Yeah, just be careful with those mistakes. Some you cant take back. Sometimes you think
youre just having fun with someone, but then one or both of you ends up getting hurt because of
miscommunication, I said, hoping I wouldnt have to explain further but knowing she was going to
ask for more.
Hold up, you didnt answer your own question. Are you a virgin? Then after you answer that, I
want to know what that little spiel was about. She poked her finger into my chest.
Closing my eyes and huffing out a lung full of air, I began, Well lucky for you the answers to
both of those questions are related to one another. She perked up, resting her head on her hand. I had
sex this past summer for the first time. It was with a friend of mine. Shed been my friend for a while;
we live on the same street. She told me we were just having fun. Thats all I wanted, and she agreed
thats all that it was. Things went further one night. We slept together; we were both virgins until that
night. Afterwards, it was weird. It was like a friendship just disappeared. We didnt know how to act
around each other. Eventually, we just stopped talking. I didnt call her, and she didnt call me. Now
we go out of our way to not see each other. Briar watched me closely, listening intently to every
word.
That sucks, she proclaimed. So, you lost a friend all because of sex? she pondered.
Just like that, I came to a decision. It was the most ignorant decision Id made to date. When she
said those words, I saw our friendship ending horribly all because I selfishly wanted to act on lust-
filled feelings that couldve ended up going away with time. I promised myself that I wouldnt allow
Briar and me to ruin this friendship all for a little bit of fun and one big, massive mistake.
She fell asleep next to me. Her chest rose and fell, every once in awhile shed scoot an inch or
two closer. I watched her for a long time, wondering what we couldve been like together, but knowing
that a friendship with Briar would be better than not having her at all. Someone knocked on the door to
the room we were in. Standing, I made my way to the door, cracking it open. It was Josh, the guy who
threw the party.
You coming out here, man? Were about to play truth or dare. The girls have all been begging to
play all night, he said.
I looked over my shoulder at Briar.
Yeah, sure, I muttered and closed the door behind me as gently as I could.
As idiotic as it sounds, I had no idea that Darcy was Briars best friend. If Id known that when
Darcy sat in my lap, I wouldve pushed her off. However, I didnt have that knowledge. Instead, I
imagined Darcy was Briar. When she kissed me, I kissed her back.
Darcy and I started dating that night. It shoved me deeper into Briars life. We were forced into
seeing each other nearly every day since she was Darcys best friend. Normally, I wouldnt complain
about spending time with Briar because I wanted to be with Briar as much as possible. But being
around Briar when I was supposed to only be thinking about Darcy in the ways I was thinking of Briar
was really damn hard.
Looking back later, Id realize the mistake wasnt acting on my feelings for Briar; it was not
acting on them.
After that Saturday when Arrow came over after my break up with Kai, there was shift in our
relationship. It was akin to our friendship before my year of numbness and lack of emotion, yet there
was this new charge. It seemed as if all the feelings Id been pushing down for the past year were all
boiling over at the same time. Some days Arrow made me laugh harder than I could ever remember
laughing in the past. My stomach would clench so tightly my eyes would sting with happy tears and
my loud giggles would become that silent laugh where your mouth is open but your vocal chords cant
seem to rub together like their supposed to in order to produce a sound. Other times hed make me so
mad that I wanted to just scream and cuss at him for days, most of the time over something small and
inconsequential. Everything was coming to a head, and the difficulty to hold back everything that I
wanted to say was getting out of hand. I feared that at any moment I would burst and just announce in
front of anyone in my path that I was in love with Arrow Donovan.
Arrows compassion towards me wavered slightly on the days I was short tempered and
argumentative. Darcy and he werent getting along as well as they used to, and I found that every time
they argued I took Darcys side. Most of the time I didnt even agree with Darcy; she got mad and
jealous over the smallest of things. She didnt trust Arrow and always thought he was cheating on her.
Yet, Id side with her anyway. I didnt fool Arrow. He knew me better than I knew myself half of the
time. He could tell I didnt actually think Darcy was right, so hed constantly pin me when no one was
around us and demand answers. He wanted to know why I was deliberately going against him, why I
wanted to piss him off.
Glaring at him, Id tell him he was the one in the wrong. I, honestly, had no real answer for my
actions. I didnt know why I was being purposefully vindictive. Did it feel good to act this way? No. I
wasnt a spiteful person. I never wished bad things on people, and I certainly didnt want anything bad
to happen to Arrow. Yet, I couldnt figure out why I kept up with my bitterness.
The biggest difference I noticed in our relationship though; I loved him more now than I did in
the past. Its like after I woke up from our car ride and looked at Arrow I dont know I was
looking at the person who was supposed to be there every time I woke up and every time I went to
sleep. I didnt even bother shoving those feelings away because I didnt have anywhere to push them.
My entire body was already full with love and regret.
There were new things I loved about Arrow. I loved the way he laughed at my jokes when no one
else understood them, the way he looked at me when I felt strongly about something, the way Id
sometimes catch him watching me. I even loved the way hed not take my shit. If I got short with him,
he called me out. When I yelled at him, he was willing to raise his voice back. Everything felt
passionate and real.
But still, I couldnt handle the idea of ruining our friendship or losing Darcy over how I felt.
Instead, I kept it to myself.
Our junior year finished quickly. I spent my summer working at a small boutique, and when I
wasnt working, I was with Arrow and Darcy. I started dating a few guys casually. It was nothing
serious; I mostly just wanted to try and have fun and forget about everything else. Soon, summer
ended and the next thing I knew we were well into our senior year.
One day after school, Arrow was driving me home after hanging out at Darcys.
I need to talk to you, Arrow said, navigating the vehicle the opposite direction of my house.
Okay, but where are we going? Butterflies erupted in the lower depths of my stomach.
My house. Parents are out of town for a few days so well have the place to ourselves, he
wiggled his eyebrows up and down then winked.
I pushed his right shoulder for teasing me. It seemed like he was flirting with me, but that was
how it always was with us. Words that he said sounded more like foreplay than friendship, but there
was never any action to back up his remarks.
Im surprised Darcy isnt forcing you to let her stay the weekend with you. My mouth felt full
of acid with the images of what they could do together those days and nights locked up in a house
alone.
She doesnt know they arent home for that exact reason, he said.
Perplexed, I looked over at him and then back at the street through the windshield.
I guess you guys have been arguing a lot, I commented.
Well talk about all of this when we get there, alright? I have a lot to say. He reached over and
turned the volume up on the radio. Avenged Sevenfold resounded through the speakers in each of the
doors. I didnt ask any more questions, and he didnt offer any more explanations. I sang to each song
on the CD, quietly listening to the rumble of Arrows voice as he gruffly sang along.
Once we pulled into the long driveway, Arrow shut off the truck and sat for a minute. I waited for
his lead to move out of the vehicle.
Alright, lets head inside. The door creaked open, and I followed him inside.
When we got inside all three dogs went straight for me. Two of them were jumpers, and when
they jumped they were nearly my height. The other sniffed at my legs until I was able to pet her.
Down! Arrow commanded.
Of course the big pups didnt listen until he grabbed them by the collars and pulled them away
from me.
Its okay. I dont mind getting some puppy love in. You know how my parents are; weve never
had a pet, I said as I dropped down to my knees and let the dogs lick my hands as I rubbed their bulky
heads.
Arrows eyes were on me. Id feel him looking at me if we were in a room full of people.
Im going to let them outside, he stated, and called for them once he had opened the back door.
When he came back into the family room, I was situated on the couch, my knees curled to my
chest comfortably.
You want a drink? Arrow asked. I think we have some coke and bottled water.
No, Im good. What did you want to talk about? I wondered. The air kicked on, filling the
house with a low humming sound. It was the only noise until Arrow sat down next to me. His left leg
touched my right.
Theres a couple things he began. Face me, he commanded gently.
I turned on the couch. My back pressed again the armrest, and my legs curled Indian style as I
faced him. He turned and folded his legs the same way, his arms rested on my knees.
Youre freaking me out here, just come out and say it.
There was something magnetic about Briar. Her hair that flowed down her back and was
constantly getting in her eyes made me want to reach up and tuck it behind her ear. The way her lips
parted when shes in thought made it nearly impossible to not reach up and trace the bow shape of
them. The innocent touches she gave me throughout the day made my dick swell in my pants. My head
knew she wasnt trying to be sexual but my body thought otherwise.
I constantly wanted to have my hands on her, and having her alone in that big house was making
it extremely difficult to stop myself. I put my hands on her knees and felt her body tense and then
relax underneath my palms.
Tonight, I planned on telling her three things; one of which was that I love her. I always have, and
Ive realized, always will. I couldnt keep that secret any longer. Shed either feel the same way, or Id
have to find a way to win our friendship back. A life without Briar was unacceptable.
Well, I dont know how you are going to react to any of the things I want to talk to you about,
which sucks. I chuckled when her nose scrunched up.
Havent you always said you can read me like an open book? she asked.
I said that once, and you knew I was lying. Youre the most confusing and complex person Ive
ever met. But I like it. I smiled at her.
That was a backwards compliment, but Ill take it, she giggled. Just get on with it. Tell me
whatever it is you have to say so that we can finally figure out how Ill react, she joked, but I could
sense the bit of urgency in her voice.
Im breaking up with Darcy, I bit it out quickly and waited. I cant say she reacted the way I
hoped for. I imagined her smiling largely and possibly professing her love for me. But she didnt. Her
back straightened, her eyes narrowed, and she didnt say a word.
Okay, well that was the first thing I pried, willing her to say anything.
Whats the next thing? Her words were clipped.
Im joining the Marines, I added. This time her eyes became glassy. I was ready to comfort her,
to tell her I love her and that I wanted us to be together when I got back from boot camp, but she never
gave me the chance.
Briar stood up from the couch and paced for a total of two minutes and twenty three seconds. I
counted. Then she twirled around, her features becoming riddled with rage.
Youre breaking up with Darcy and joining the military? she questioned in a loud voice.
Uh, I began to answer her.
Im not actually asking you, Arrow! I heard you the first time. I cant believe youre doing this
to Darcy! Tears were falling from her eyes, dancing down her cheeks and soaking into her shirt. She
wiped furiously at them.
My response was always automatic when she took that tone with me. Immediately, I yelled back.
I dont love her, Briar! We fight all the time! Not to mention, shes been cheating on me with
Ron. Im not blind. Want to tell me why my best friend didnt tell me that my girlfriend was cheating
on me? I spewed, making best friend sound like a lie and girlfriend sound like a joke.
Stunned, Briar blinked a few time before answering me. I didnt know, Arrow. God, I didnt
know! Her legs turned to jelly and she sat, hard, onto the ground. I wouldve told you if I knew that.
I swear. You have to know that. She wiped her cheeks. Are you sure?
I dont have any solid proof, but I did read some interesting texts in her phone. I walked over to
where she sat and plopped down next to her. Want to know how I knew it was over? Briar nodded.
Because when I read those text messages, I didnt care. I wasnt hurt. Yeah, I was little pissed
because I felt like I got played. But my hearts not broken. In fact, as messed up as it sounds, I was
kind of relieved to have a reason to break up with her, I admitted.
I cant believe this. You two have been together since our freshmen year. I thought you two were
going to last The fact that Briar sounded put out by the fact that I was breaking up with Darcy was
all the answer I needed. She clearly didnt love me like I loved her. I was no longer giving her my
third confession.
Finally, I understood why Id been short-tempered and overall more emotional with Arrow.
Things had been going awry between he and Darcy for at least a year now. I hated the idea that they
werent going to last because it meant all that time Id been pushing away what I felt was for two
people that werent going to make it anyway.
It was irrational, unreasonable, and foolish of me to act out the way I did, but I couldnt stop
myself. What was the point in all the constant pain of wanting more and not letting myself have it?
I was livid over the fact that if Arrow cared for me in the same way I did for him, he wouldve
been with me from that first day wed spent together. I made up excuses constantly for why we
werent together. We were meant to be friends. He was meant to be with Darcy. Darcy would hate me
if she knew. Darcy made him happy. He made Darcy happy.
None of that was the correct reason, the real reason. He just didnt want me.
When are you leaving for boot camp? Briar asked, sniffling into her arm.
There are multiple ways someone can break you. If you felt affection or love for that particular
person, there were even more ways for them to have that control. You were inadvertently giving that
someone the knife and widening your arms, gesturing to your heart, and saying, Its yours. Do with it
what you want: break it, shatter it, hold it, caress it, handle it with tenderness, but please, please love
it. The way Briar reacted to the news of me breaking up with Darcy put a crack down the left side of
my chest. She kicked me right in the gut and didnt even realize she did. The way the words boot
camp left her mouth turned the crack into a gaping wide crater. Concerned with my own desire, I
thought I wanted her to be saddened about me leaving. I thought it would give me the sensation that
she cared for me half as much as I cared for her.
Thats not what it did, though. Seeing her wrecked over me leaving didnt make me feel good or
missed; it made me want to go back in time and not sign my name on that piece of paper. It made me
want to stay with her forever if it meant shed never sound so shattered.
However, without the military, I didnt have a future. I didnt make the best grades. In fact, my
grades sucked. I was going to graduate high school, but barely. This was my one and only opportunity
to do something worthwhile with my life, and I had to take that chance and just hope to God that Briar
would support me and be there when I came back.
The idea that I was already everything I was ever going to be frightened me. I was stuck in that
state of knowing I wasnt book smart enough for college, knowing Id be stuck working some shit-
paying job in this small town and watching Briar become everything I knew she would become. I
wouldnt allow that to happen. While Briar was out making the most of that beautiful mind of hers and
getting a higher education, Id be out protecting our country, keeping that freedom that allowed her to
have everything she could ever want out of life.
I leave a couple weeks after graduation, I said with a softer tone. She was biting down painfully
hard on her bottom lip, making it difficult for me to sit still. All I could think about was moving and
stopping her from bruising herself and wiping those salt water tracks off of her cheekbones.
You never even told me you wanted to go into the military. You never even brought that up.
She was getting hysterical; her speech sped up, her arms began flailing around her.
Hey, hey, hey I stood from where Id sat in the middle of the floor. I walked the few feet
over to Briar, put my hands underneath her armpits and lifted her up off the ground. Her legs held her
up, but she swayed into my chest.
What else am I supposed to do here, Briar? If I stayed here, what would I do? I didnt get into
any college. The only place thatll hire me is the mechanic shop down the street, and even then the
starting pay is minimum wage. Her head was lying against my chest, moving up and down with each
one of my breaths. I ran my hand through her hair, tucking it behind her ear as I went. I dont want to
live that life. You can understand that, right? I want more than that.
The jerky nod against my sternum was stiff because she didnt want to admit that every word I
said made sense. I knew it did. I put more thought into this decision than anything else in my life. I
wasnt one of those men who grew up knowing I wanted to be in the service. I wasnt following in
anyones footsteps. My father wasnt in the military. My grandfather only was because he was drafted,
but I couldnt say the military didnt feel like a good fit. When I went and spoke to a recruiter, it was
nearly immediate that I knew what I was supposed to do.
I didnt sign up that day. I went home and thought about every possible option and every possible
path that I could take. Joining the Marines was the only one that felt more like an opportunity instead
of a life sentence.
You could go to the local community college, Briar said hopefully, pulling away from me so
she could meet my eyes. My arms were still folded around her when she continued with her idea, Ill
help you study. Youll get good grades and then youll transfer. Thats a viable option, Arrow! Lots of
people our age go that route, she said excitedly. Hope blossomed in her dark brown eyes.
With my elbows resting on her shoulders, I took her face in my hands, brushing my thumbs
against the temples of her head.
Support me in this, Briar, I begged.
Air hissed through her clenched teeth. She kept her eyes attached to mine. I tried to will her into
understanding how serious I was about it all.
This is what you want? she asked.
Its what I want and what I need.
Youll write me? You promise? Youll call me when you can, right? She looked so forlorn, so
unsure on the answer Id give her.
Are you crazy? Of course I will! Every chance I get. I swear I will. Come on, Briar, you know
that, I grinned at her, shaking her shoulders slightly trying to get her to lighten up.
Im going to miss you so much, she said faintly.
Her chin was between my thumb and forefinger as I tipped her head back. I wanted to kiss her, to
taste the ruby of her lips, to know that she felt the same way for me as I had for her since day one. But
that wasnt an option. She didnt love me in that way. We were best friends, and that friendship meant
more to me that most of my family ever did.
Im going to miss you too, beautiful. I kissed her forehead, wishing it were her lips. My eyes
closed in that moment. I took in the feel of her skin against mine, burning it into my mind, so that
when she was away from me, I could think back to that instant of time.
Darcy seemed really heartbroken the first week after their break-up. She made me stay the night
at her house for three nights in a row. She agonized over the memories she and Arrow shared, and, to
be honest, it was excruciating to hear her go through every first she gave him. I tried to be the good
friend and listen aptly when she wanted to talk and allow her to cry on my shoulder when she ran out
of words. But, I was just going through the motions. I had more important things to think about, like
all the wasted time If Arrow and Darcy were never meant to be, then why is it that Arrow never took
that chance with me? Had I read all of his signals wrong the first night we spent together? How about
the constant state of flirtation that always seemed to bubble to the surface when we were around one
another? Was that all just part of our friendship? All the signals pointed to yes. Arrow could have been
with me. We had our chance, and neither one of us took it.
Darcy didnt know that Arrow was joining the Marines. He wasnt ready to drop that bomb on her
yet; he figured breaking up with her was enough for one day. I had to live with the knowledge that not
only was I single, but so was Arrow, yet he was also leaving.
The future wasnt meant for Arrow and me. Hed always be a part of my life. In the past, I
imagined it would be with him married to my best friend. Now, itll be us as best friends, separated by
distance, and a what if that would never be answered.
After a week of Darcys mourning, she moved on quickly. She began dating some guy named
Mark. He was six years older than us and, from what I could tell, not amounting to anything.
I tried to spend as much time with Arrow as I could, but soon summer was around us and
graduation was filling the air with excitement and nostalgia. Graduation carried a deeper meaning now
that it was closing in on us. Wed be leaving high school, which was a happy occasion, but it also
meant Arrow would be missing from my everyday life.
We graduated. Majority of everyone shed at least one tear. A few students only smiled and
seemed thankful to move on with their lives. I was the opposite. I wanted to cry an ocean of tears, but
I held them back for the most part. The only time I allowed myself to let them fall like the rain during
a thunderstorm was when they played a video of pictures of our past four years. The class wasnt huge,
so each of us were featured in the video multiple times. In every image I was with Arrow. In one he
was giving me a piggyback ride and running down the halls singing a song laced with curse words.
The reason he did it was because I had tripped on the stairs and twisted my ankle. I tried walking, but
every time I put weight on my left foot, it would give out. He told me to hop on his back. I had a pool
of tears in my eyes, but smiled at him when he offered. I jumped using my good foot, and he hefted
me up higher on his back. I wrapped my legs around his waist. He held onto my legs, and then to make
me laugh, started to run. He was taking me to the nurses station. On our way there the Dean stopped
us. We both got detention for running in the hall.
Another image was of Darcy, Arrow, and I standing against the lockers. Darcy was standing close
to Arrow and his arm was around her shoulder. I leaned against my sophomore year locker, looking up
at Arrow like he was the star in my sky. I struggled to keep my eyes from darting to Arrow to see if he
saw what was written so clearly on my face in those images.
Everyone took pictures with each other. It didnt matter if you were enemies or friends, if you
had a fist fight at some point in your time together. It was behind all of us as the endless flashes went
off from phones and cameras. My parents didnt like it, but I made them take at least ten pictures of
just Arrow and me. He hugged me close to him. We made silly faces, like our cheeks pressed together
with our tongues sticking out at the camera.
His parents looked proud for the first time ever. They were never kind to Arrow. He got put down
a lot in his house because they didnt think he was smart and always said he made bad life decisions.
But I never saw that in Arrow. He wasnt dumb; he was smart in a different way than I was. He knew
about cars and how to make them run. He could read people better than anyone else I knew. He could
tell within the first minute of meeting someone whether they were bad news or not. He was artistic,
energetic, and a hell of a good time.
When the schools principle read off Arrows name and his future plans, which included joining
the Marines, I watched the smile on Arrows lips and then into the bleachers where his mom wiped her
eyes with a tissue. His dad stood with a stiff back, clearly proud.
I took up more hours at the boutique. I wanted the money to buy myself a car, but more than that,
I needed the job to keep my mind off of the foreseeable future. Working more meant less time with
Arrow, but I had to do it. I was weaning myself off of him. Sometimes he would pick me up after a
long, late shift, and wed go out for a shake or a drive or both.
Soon, I was working later and later and Arrow was getting harder to get a hold of. I figured he
was spending time with his family and other friends, but that didnt stop a bit of lingering jealously
and a sick feeling that I was missing out on a crucial period of time with him.
It was a few days before Arrow was set to leave when he called me. It was late, nearly eleven pm
when his ring tone sang throughout my bedroom.
Hello, I answered.
Hey! Come over! he yelled over a deafening background noise. Laughter, conversation, and
music mixed together.
Uhm, whats going on? I asked, rolling over onto my back.
Last minute party at my house. Its kind of a going away party, he slurred into the phone.
Youre already drunk? How am I supposed to get there? I dont have a car.
Shit, I didnt think about that. Can you borrow your moms car? he asked.
You know she wont let me do that, I huffed.
I can try to find someone to come and get you, he offered.
I thought about the guy Id gone on a few dates with last week. His name was Killian, and wed
had a great time together. Normally, Id want to have time with Arrow without anyone else in the way,
but Arrow was already drunk which meant Arrow was going to be the life of the party. Hed be making
rounds with everyone there.
Do you care if I bring someone with me? I question.
He didnt speak. The only way I knew the line hadnt gone dead was all the loud shenanigans
going on in the background.
Some guy? he finally asked.
Uh, yeah, I stuttered.
Sure, he bit out. Why not.
Okay, Ill have him pick me up, I said it quietly and more like a question than a statement.
Okay.
I knew the second Briar arrived at my house. I cant explain how I knew, I just did. The
atmosphere in the room didnt change, the mood was the same, and I didnt hear her voice or see her. I
looked around the busy living room searching for her familiar, angular face. I caught sight of her
holding hands with some douche-looking bastard who I immediately wanted to pummel into the
ground. I wanted to see him bleeding out on the floor. I wanted his face purple and swollen from my
fists. If he kissed her in front of me, I had every intention to make those ideas come to fruition.
Her brown eyes met mine. I still had a glare in my eyes and a furrow in my eyebrows. She looked
at me with confusion, her head quirked to the side questioningly. I gestured for her to come join me in
the kitchen and turned away, not wanting to watch as the blonde haired guy she was with followed her
towards me.
Hey, she said when she got close enough for me to hear her.
The kitchen was less busy than the living room because there was more alcohol out there. The
kitchen had some beer and some cheap Boones Farm for girls that couldnt stand the taste of other
spirits, and maybe because I knew Briar liked the strawberry Boones. I had that one hidden in the
freezer so it would have more of a slushy consistency, the way she liked it.
I gave her a sarcastic smile, like the jackass I intended to be. Whats up; who is this asshole?
The guy frowned at me and looked like he was about to confront me for talking to Briar like I did.
I had to give him kudos for that because, Im not trying to brag, but Im bigger, more muscular, and
definitely more pissed off than this dude was.
Calm down Mike Tyson, Im just messing around. I said and patted his shoulder. I wasnt
messing around. Id be willing to have a knockdown, drag out fight with him, but I wanted to get to
know him first. I wanted to feel him out, see what his feelings were for Briar, and see what her
feelings were for him.
Why dont we all sit down? I said to the both of them.
Briar looked back and forth between no name and me anxiously. She was getting really nervous
about the two of us sitting down and talking.
Whats your name? I asked.
Killian, he said in a short, quipped manner.
Killian. KILLian. Kill him.
I eyed the man up and down noting the way he leaned towards Briars body. A threatening
grumble vibrated in my throat.
Arrow, Briar scolded.
What? I asked innocently.
She gripped my hand and moved me about six feet away from Killhim, over to the kitchen
countertop.
What has gotten into you? You said I could bring him. Her tiny finger poked into my chest as
she seethed.
I think I was being welcoming, I said.
Yeah, about as welcoming as a rattlesnake. She narrowed her eyes at me. Her eyes were
especially green under the bright kitchen lights.
Dont know what youre talking about, Briar. Why dont you go sit down with your boy toy over
there, and Ill grab your Boones. Does he drink beer or does he need a frou-frou mix drink? I
laughed in a way that I knew would get to Briar. She hated when I got like this. It was rare, but its
happened a couple times. Each time was when she brought another guy around me. Even Kai brought
it out in me once or twice. I became this asshole who was overly sarcastic and sometimes downright
hurtful. With whiskey in my system, it got worse.
See! That right there! Why would you say that? Youre intentionally saying shit just to piss
Killian and me off. Why?
Take a seat, Briar. Its about time I get to know this new fixture in your life, isnt it? Kind of
funny that you havent mentioned him until this evening, I said with blame.
Briar threw her hands up. This is going to be a wonderful freakin night isnt it? Just great.
Great. Yeah, thanks for inviting me, Arrow. Her sarcasm and frustration nearly matched my own. She
turned with a huff and a roll of her eyes and made her way to the table. Killian was looking at her like
he was falling for her. Hell, he was probably already in love. I couldnt blame him for that, but I sure
as hell didnt like it.
I grabbed her cheap ass wine from the freezer, poured whiskey into a glass, and grabbed a can of
the cheapest, most skunked beer available for Killian. I chuckled to myself, imagining him trying to
swallow it down.
When I got back to the table, there was an awkward silence. Briar was fidgeting in the wooden
chair. She was fuming, her hands wringing one another in her lap. She wouldnt even look up at me
when I sat down. However, Killian wouldnt take his eyes off of me. Admitting it sucked, but I
respected that. He was analyzing me just like I was analyzing him.
He cracked open the beer, his throat moving as he took more than one swig. Briar poured a
healthy amount of her wine into the glass cup I brought her. There were small chunks of ice riddled
through the liquid. She took a swig, which seemed to relax her.
The cup of whiskey in my hand was empty before any words were spoken between the three of us.
I filled my cup to the brim, finished off another half of it. The whiskey burned down my throat,
lighting my mouth and then stomach on fire. The inferno burning within my body mirrored the
thoughts going through my mind. I couldnt believe Briar brought Killian, a guy Id never even heard
of, to my going away party.
How did you two meet? My words seeped out without my knowledge, but there it was, out in
the open. I didnt say it kindly, either. Another party? You two drink together? Did she let you fuck
her? My teeth were bared.
Thats enough! Briar bellowed. A small foot kicked me hard in the shin under the table.
I tried to make eye contact with her, but I was past the point of no return. Her face was blurred,
becoming a liquid-like mosaic in my vision. All the colors of her skin, eyes, lips, and hair blended
together.
What? Did I get it wrong? I asked.
Do we have a problem? Killian asked. I chuckled humorlessly. His eyes narrowed and chest
puffed up. If you want to talk to me, we can talk, Killian began. You can say whatever you want to
say to me, but dont talk about Briar like that. He pushed his seat back, ready to stand and what?
Fight me? Was he really planning on fighting me? He was big, but I was bigger. He looked furious,
but I was beyond that. He wanted to defend Briars honor? Yeah, well, I wanted to keep her from
making a mistake with a dickhead she didnt even know. Why did she want to be with someone like
him, when Ive been there since day one?
Briar was tense in her seat. Each of her muscles pulled taut and ready to spring if Killian or I
made a move towards one another.
We met through my friend at work, Arrow, Briar answered stiffly.
I took a small sip of my whiskey, knowing that it was affecting my actions and mouth but not
willing to stop. I wanted my chest to stop hurting and my mind to move away from Briar.
When? I asked.
Killian looked over at Briar, smiling a shit-eating grin. A little over a week ago, he answered
for her.
So are you two dating now? I pointed my glass at Killian and then Briar. My eyes never left
hers.
Briar coughed. Uhm, well I wouldnt she started to speak.
Killian interrupted her, Yeah, were dating. He didnt bother looking at me. Instead he
implored for Briar to look at him. She did. I bounced my sight between the two of them. Killian was
looking at her quizzically. My guess was that he didnt know if they were actually dating or not. The
bastard was stating his claim on her, for the first time, right in front of me.
A petite, shy smile tugged at Briars lips, taking the ends and tipping them upwards just enough
to tell us both that yes, she was okay with being exclusive with him. The whiskey became rotten in the
depths of my stomach when Killian reached over and took Briars hand in his. He rubbed his thumb
back and forth over her knuckles looking self-satisfied.
Briar, can you grab me a beer? I asked. I pushed my glass to the side. Briar looked at my nearly
empty cup.
You sure you should have another drink? she asked, worry creasing the middle area between
her brows.
Im sure, I stated.
She shook her head, unconvinced, but stood up and went to the refrigerator. I leaned forward, my
forearms lying flat on the wooden kitchen table. My hands were balled into tightly clenched fists, and
my face was within a few inches of Killians.
You know youre dating my girl, right? I asked, my jaw clenching tightly, my knuckles turning
white from holding back my fists from meeting his nose.
The asshole didnt look afraid though. He smiled at me with one of those smiles that widens your
entire face and shows off every single one of your top and bottom teeth.
Your girl, huh? he laughed. If she was your girl, I dont think Id be here right now. I dont
think shed be holding my hand. I dont think she wouldve told me that you were her best friend. My
glare must have echoed my fury, but he didnt stop. I think youre confused man, so let me help you
out Killian leaned forward in his chair, bringing us even closer. She. Is. Not. Your girl. From what
Ive heard? She never has been. So, why dont you back the fuck off, he bit out the last words.
Briar chose that point to show up at the table and put a beer in front of me.
I had to go out in the garage and bring in another case. The fridge was empty, she explained.
Briar, I need to talk to you, I said with urgency.
Can you call me tomorrow? she asked looking down at Killian.
He took whatever hint she gave him and stood up.
We should probably head out, Killian said.
She nodded up and down and let out a breath. Call me tomorrow, Arrow.
Youre leaving? You just got here, I complained, trying to make her feel guilty and decide to
stay. I didnt want her alone with Killian. He was a smooth talker and probably planned on putting that
charm to work on Briar.
I have to work early in the morning, she clarified.
Killian took her hand in his and started walking away from me.
Wait, no goodbye? I asked her.
I couldnt remember a time when Briar and I didnt at least hug before she left. This time, she
was willing to leave with just a few short words. It was then, I realized, Briar was pulling away from
me.
She turned around and watched me stand from my seat. She whispered something to Killian. He
nodded and disappeared out into the living room where I couldnt see him. Briar looked down at her
feet as she walked over to me.
I tipped her head up, forcing her to look at me.
Youre mad, I said.
I dont know what I am, Arrow. I know that you werent nice tonight, and you certainly didnt
make me or Killian feel welcomed here, she criticized.
Youre always welcome here. Always. I dont trust that guy, I answered.
Arrow, you dont get to choose who I date. Its not up to you.
I opened my mouth to tell her that it sure as hell was up to me. But it wasnt. I knew the greatest
reason I didnt like Killian was because he was the choice she made instead of me. There was
something else though, something in the gleam of his eyes that was unsettling.
I was a dick. Im sorry, I said into her ear, pulling her into me; she let me. Her hands locked at
my lower back, my hands could reach my elbows around her neck. I laid my head on top of hers and
breathed in the flowery scent of her shampoo.
Yeah, you were, she said.
Am I forgiven? I said in a lighter tone.
I guess. Her cheeks rose from her smile, and I could feel it against my chest.
After she pulled out of my arms, she gave me one last small smile and then turned and walked
away, into Killians waiting arms.
Once she was gone, I lost myself in taking shots, dancing, and playing some games. Everything
that happened that night began blurring together, confusing me, but relieving me of the heartache of
never having Briar. She would never be more than what we already were. She made that abundantly
clear the night I told her I was breaking up with Darcy and then again tonight when she showed up
with Killian.
I woke up the next morning in my full sized bed with a warm, naked body next to mine. I looked
down, lifting the blanket back and seeing that I was naked too. Sighing, I laid my head back down on
the pillow, pressing down on my forehead and trying to relieve the pressure from the hangover
headache as well as force the memories from last night forward so that I could recall who was next to
me.
I leaned over, trying with difficulty to not wake the girl next to me. She had light blonde hair and
tanned skin that I remembered from a long time ago. It was Lacey, the girl I lost my virginity too. I
was sure of it; I didnt even need to see her face to know that. We stopped talking after we had sex the
summer before our freshman year of high school. We saw each other still, every so often, when wed
both show up in our neighborhood at the same time or leave for school. She lived only a few houses
down; we were bound to notice one another. Still, this was the first time shed been within touching
distance and we slept together. Again.
Not wanting to wake her, I edged out of bed as slowly and as quietly as I could. Not bothering to
put on my boxers, I went directly into the small bathroom connected to my room and filled my hands
with water, splashed my face, and gulped down handful after handful. I sat on the edge of the toilet
seat, hoping the nausea would desist. As I sat there with my head in the palms of my hands, covering
the light from my eyes, I thought back to last night. Memories slowly came forth. I remembered the
shitty things I said to Briar, how my jealously reared its ugly head right in front of her pretty brown
eyes.
I remember the intense desire to knock Killian out and demand Briar to no longer see him and
instead be with me. Then she left me there and went with him. After that, I decided to get completely
wasted. At some point, Lacey showed up. She came in and walked directly up to me, looked me in the
eyes and then down like she was seeing my naked flesh instead of the clothes I was wearing. She
smiled a sultry smile, grabbed the back of my neck, and pulled me down to her lips. The kisses
werent gentle, they didnt build up. It wasnt a smoldering heat becoming a blazing fire. Instead, it
was a pure, unadulterated desire to fuck.
Thats what we did. We went straight to my bedroom. Clothes slewed across the room, neither of
us willing to wait a second longer for my dick to be inside of her. I needed the relief of a woman, and I
needed the relief from my mind. Briar didnt want me, but that didnt mean another woman wouldnt.
Lacey was there at the right moment and time. I didnt know why she needed this from me, I didnt
even bother to ask. It was clear we both were in this for something. It was only a few sloppy seconds
later that I had her naked and in my arms. I bent her over; her arms rested on the edge of the bed, her
head pushed into the comforter, her ass in the air. My hands went to her backside and guided my dick
into her pussy. The sound of my balls slapping against her reverberated throughout the room. She
moaned my name loud enough that the music in the living room was nothing but background sound to
us. I pounded into her until her legs shook and her body sagged. I pushed into her a few more times
before my balls drew tight and then released into her body.
Sometime later, I awoke to having my dick sucked off. I watched her light pink mouth which was
smaller in size and lighter in color than Briars, as she took me until I hit the back of her throat. I
came; she swallowed. Then we both passed out.
I walked back into the bedroom and found Lacey awake. She was rubbing at her eyes and pushing
the hair out of her face.
Hey, she said and smiled shyly up at me. Youd think we wouldve been past shy after the way
we were at it last night. Good morning, she added.
Morning. How are you feeling? I asked her because I knew I felt like shit.
Im not too bad. I didnt drink that much. She kicked the blankets off of her and walked over to
me, completely bare of clothing. She had smaller breasts but a nice ass. Her tits still shook up and
down as she patted across the floor over to me, and her hips sashayed. My dick started to swell.
She made it a point to look down at my hardening erection. She grinned up at me and once she
was close, she took me into her hand, squeezing and moving her hand up and down.
I bet I can make you feel better, she offered, beginning to drop to her knees.
I didnt let her get that far. I had this sexy girl from my past right in front of me and all I could
think about was, Did Briar sleep with Killian last night? It pissed me off, but then I pictured her
naked, kissing, her tongue marking its territory on my body instead of his. By that point, my erection
was stiff and straight and ready for action. It may make me a bigger asshole than I ever imagined I
was, but I picked Lacey up, her legs wrapped around me, and I carried her to the bed. I pushed her legs
to her chest and thrust inside of her. In my head it was Briar.
Arrow didnt call me the next day like he said he would. However, he did call me the day after
that. By this point, I shouldve been used to how it felt to not be with Arrow, used to the feeling of
knowing he was with someone else. I spent all those years watching him date my best friend. Still, I
wasnt prepared for the news he was about to tell me.
Hey, I answered the phone.
Hey Briar, what are you up to? Arrow asked.
Not a lot. Laying in bed reading. I have to be at work in an hour. I closed the paranormal
romance and pushed it to the side, giving Arrow my full attention.
Vampire, werewolves, or some other shit? Arrow asked teasing me.
I giggled. A little bit of everything.
The line turned silent, and neither of us said a word. Part of me wanted an explanation for his
lack of texts and phone calls and a different reason as to why he treated Killian and me so poorly the
other night.
He said it was because he didnt trust Killian, but I wanted it to be that he didnt want me to be
with anyone else but him. I knew that was a stupid thought to have because Arrow didnt feel that way.
He was trying to look out for me, and with the whiskey in his system, he started becoming the typical
jerk. .
What have you been doing? I wondered.
Well. He got silent again. Ive been spending time with Lacey.
Lacey? As in the Lacey you lost it to forever ago? That Lacey? I asked, my voice rising higher
and higher with each word. My jaw hung open as I waited for his response.
Yeah, he answered. She showed up at the party after you left, he explained. I heard an intake
of breath, and then he released it. We slept together that night and ever since then weve just been
spending time together.
Tears pricked my eyes. A sharp intake of breath rattled in my chest, the air didnt want to find my
lungs. Because those lungs didnt want to breathe, everything in my body wanted to shut off and stop
working.
You slept with her, I whispered into the phone, barely audible.
He didnt bother answering me because I already knew he did. I took small, calming breaths,
begging my heart to slow down, my chest to stop heaving, and my eyes to stop streaming salty tears.
Are you two together then? I asked.
Sort of, he answered. He sounded tired, exhausted actually. I found myself wondering if it was
because she kept him up all night so they could screw each other nonstop. I shook myself trying to get
rid of the horrible images. I didnt even know what Lacey looked like, but I imagined her being
flawless and ten times more beautiful than Id ever be.
Sort of? What does that even mean? I said harshly.
It means well see where it goes, he said in a steady tone.
Thats why you didnt call me yesterday? Because you were with Lacey? Laceys name tasted
bitter on my tongue; it gave me a mild, burning sensation in the back of my throat, that feeling I get
right before Im about to be sick.
That, and I was hung over. Had a migraine from hell.
If you had such a bad headache, then you wouldnt have spent the entire day with your new
girlfriend, I muttered quickly before I could stop the words.
Is there a problem here, Briar? Im pretty sure you had your new boyfriend with you the other
night, right? he said in a hateful manner.
Yeah, I did have my new boyfriend with me, Arrow I began. But, you dont see me telling
you every detail of what weve done together!
A low rumble of a growl echoed from his side of the phone. Were done talking about this. I
wanted to call you and tell you what hotel Im staying at tomorrow night.
Hotel? What? I was completely confused.
All the new recruits have to stay at the same hotel tomorrow. We leave the next day, early in the
morning. I want to see you before I leave, he explained.
I was choked up, my throat tightening. When I opened my mouth to say something, a small sob
broke loose instead.
Briar? Arrow questioned. Briar, are you crying? God, please dont do that.
The hiccups that come when your breathing cant keep up with your crying started to shake my
body.
Im coming over, Arrow said. I heard the clinking of his keys.
No No, its okay. Im okay.
No youre not.
Arrow, Im fine. Im just sad, okay? This just sucks. I wiped at my eyes. First he told me he
slept with another girl the other night. I hadnt even let Killian kiss me yet. Then, he tells me that
tomorrow is the last day Ill have with him. I know he told me the date he would be leaving awhile
back, but Id pushed it to the back of my mind because I didnt want to think about. It wasnt
something we talked about because it upset me.
Ill be there tomorrow; just tell me when. Ill find someone to work for me tomorrow.
Ill text you the time. Im supposed to get a phone call with more information today, he
responded.
Alright.
Ill see you tomorrow, Briar, he said with softness.
He hung up, and I whispered, I love you, Arrow.
Arrow did text me when he found out times and told me when I could show up at the hotel. Then,
the day he had to be at the hotel, he texted me again and gave me his room number. As soon as I had
all the information, I was in my moms car, without her permission, speeding to Arrow.
When I got there, I ran to the lobby doors as I hit the lock button on the car keys. It was a nice
hotel, one I wouldnt have been able to afford. There were fresh flowers in vases throughout the
common room. The floor was made of a nice, warm tile and the walls were a deep taupe. After my
brief examination, I dashed to the elevators and hit the button. When the elevator arrived, I stepped
inside and hit the fifth floor button, making it glow. It seemed like a decade before I reached his level
and for the doors to let me out of the metal box.
I was down the hall and knocking on his door, panting a little, and feeling like itd been years
since Id seen Arrow. I made an oath as I waited for him to answer the door that I wouldnt think about
all the hurt feelings from the past, that I wouldnt allow those thoughts to ruin my time with him
before he was gone. It was time that I reminded myself that, before anything else, Arrow was my
closest friend.
The door was opened hastily to a breathtaking, shirtless Arrow. I threw myself against his body. I
didnt think twice about the action, didnt question whether or not I was being too blatant with my
emotions; I just reacted. He held me close to him, pulling me further into the room and kicking the
door closed behind us.
Hey there, he mumbled into my hair.
I dont want you to leave, Arrow, I whispered into his neck.
I know, he said.
Im sorry weve been fighting so much, I said, refusing to let go of him.
He ran his hands down the back of my head, through my hair. Every so often his fingers would
get tangled in a knot, and hed gently loosen the knot and then slide his digits back through it. He
laughed, Weve both been moody, havent we? he asked.
Yeah, and its stupid. We shouldve been making the most of the time. Not arguing.
The truth was I didnt mind arguing with Briar because when she fought with me, I saw this
burning passion in her eyes. Shed get so riled up over the smallest things, and itd make me feel like
there was something deeper hiding in the depths of those brown eyes. It was like that when she got
upset over me leaving. I didnt enjoy seeing her upset, but at the same time, it showed me how much
she cared. It mattered that I could make her laugh until her voice was raw, make her furious to the
point that she wanted to hit me or sad enough that she couldnt get words out through the tears. It
mattered because it was real.
I yanked on her long, dark blonde hair. She squealed as her head jerked back. I chuckled and
kissed her left cheek.
I havent gotten to get a look at you since you got here, I explained.
She rolled her eyes but stepped out of my arms, which was not what I wanted. I allowed her to
move anyway.
Want to watch some television or something? she asked. She took a running start from where
we stood and launched herself onto the queen sized bed. She always did that. She liked the way she
would bounce up and then fall back down. I shook my head at her as I walked over and sat down next
to her. She was lying on her stomach, the remote in her hand, flipping through the channels. Her grey
shirt was riding up her back, showing the skin between it and her jeans. I saw the top of her black
panties peeking over the top of her pants. I adjusted my junk as my eyes traveled down to her toned
ass.
Ugh, theres nothing on, she complained and turned the television off. She flipped onto her
back and looked up at me from her lying down position. What do you want to do? she asked.
Talk, I shrugged. I dont know when Ill get to talk to you next, I explained.
What do you want to talk about? she asked. I watched as some of the light disappeared from
her features. Lacey? You want to talk about her? she asked.
I sat back, leaning against the headboard. Do you want to talk about Killian? I countered. Her
nose scrunched up. The smile I gave her was a sad one; Id never know what it felt like to kiss her lips,
touch her intimate skin, hear her voice when shes coming, or see her face when she called out my
name. Id never know any of those things, but someone else would; someone like Killian would know
those things about her.
No, she said simply.
I grabbed her left foot and moved my hand to her calf, underneath her jeans, and jerked her
towards me.
Come here, I said and pulled again.
She sat up and moved over to me, on her knees. I patted my thighs. Without stopping, she moved
onto my lap. She was straddling me. My dick pressed against the part of her Id never get to see,
touch, taste, or feel. She grinned at me and raised an eyebrow. Is that a phone in your pocket, or are
you happy to see me? she teased.
She shifted in my lap causing me to groan. I have a pretty girl in my lap, and Im a guy
Her cheeks turned bright red, but she threw her head back and laughed. She moved a little further
down my thighs so she was no longer pressing against my erection.
You know that first night when we met? she asked.
I nodded, knowing she was referring to the party.
I walked into the living room after I woke up and saw everyone playing truth or dare. You were
dared to kiss Darcy, she stated.
I never knew how much she saw that night. Knowing she saw that made my stomach clench
painfully.
Yeah, everyone wanted to play, I said.
Well, I didnt get to play. She frowned.
And you want to? I asked, not really understanding what she was saying to me.
I want to play truth or dare with you. Right now. She unconsciously bit down on the tip of her
lower lip. It was good she wasnt sitting against my dick because that movement made it twitch in my
pants.
Just you and me? I asked.
Yeah, why not? she smiled.
Okay. Is anything off limits? I wondered, putting my hands on her thighs. She looked down at
my hands but didnt move them.
No, was her answer.
I let out a quivering breath. I wasnt sure what to do with this. Did she just want to play so we
would have something to do? A better way to talk? Or was it more than that? I was usually good at
reading her, but I didnt understand this.
Truth or dare? I asked her.
She puckered her lips and moved them to the side in thought. Truth, she said.
How many guys have you slept with? I asked. Id been dying to know the answer to that for a
long time. As far as I knew, shed only been with Kai. But they had been broken up a long time now,
and I knew she dated casually.
She looked away shyly and then at my chest when she answered. Just one.
I would never like the fact that she gave her virginity to that guy. Kai was alright in my book, but
he didnt deserve Briar. I also didnt like that she gave it to him when she was going through that
weird phase when she wasnt herself. She didnt love Kai. But, the knowledge that he was the last and
only guy it was alleviating.
Just Kai? I asked anyway.
She laughed a little, Yeah, and even then we only slept together a couple of times before we
broke up. Her response lead me to another question I wanted to ask, but I didnt get the chance before
she interrupted.
Your turn! Truth or dare? She pinched my thigh.
Ow, I swatted at her hand and then pinched her sides. She sniggered. Uhm, truth I guess.
Same question. How many girls have you slept with? she asked. She waited, watching me as I
added the girls up in my head. There wasnt a whole lot, but it was more than one.
I closed my eyes as I answered, Five.
When I opened my eyes, I saw her wide ones staring back at me. Five? Who?! she questioned,
her face getting redder and her voice becoming shrill.
I narrowed my eyes slightly but answered anyway. Lacey, Darcy, and you dont know the
others.
What are their names? she bit out.
Gwen, Paisley, and Samantha.
And now youre back to Lacey again. Plan on doing a full circle? she folded her arms
underneath her tits, making it impossible to not notice the size of them.
Whats with the attitude? You asked the question; I answered it.
If I told you I slept with five people what would you say? The other day when Killian was with
me you made it sound like that if I slept with him Id be the biggest slut on the planet!
I did not say that, I argued.
You didnt have to actually say it, Arrow. I could tell what you were thinking by the way you
were asking questions. It wasnt hard to tell what you really meant.
I gripped her shoulders. I would never call you a slut, Briar. I wouldnt think that either.
She didnt believe me. I could read it in her slumped shoulders and frustrated eyes.
You really think Id think that about you? I asked.
She shrugged her slumped shoulders.
I wouldnt. Youre my best friend. You might piss me off and do stupid shit sometimes, but
when it comes down to it, youre a good one, Briar. I rubbed her chin with my thumb and forefingers.
You get it?
Yeah, I hear you, she answered.
Are we good, or do I need to convince you more? I teased.
She laughed and shook her head. No, I get it. Lets play some more.
Truth or dare? I asked her.
Dare? she said it in a question.
Oh I rubbed my hands together. I better make this a good one.
Be nice! she demanded.
I shook my head. Nuh uh, you said there were no rules.
Oh no she mumbled underneath her breath. I chuckled, and she glared at me.
Smirking at her, I had an idea. Run from one end of the fifth level hallway to the other end I
started.
Oh okay, I can she interrupted and stood up.
I reached for her hand. I wasnt done yet, Briar. She quirked an eyebrow at me. In your
underwear.
No way! she exclaimed.
You have to or you have to take another dare. I promise Ill make it worse, I barely got the
words out because of my laughter.
Youre really going to make me do this? she asked.
Oh yes. Yes I was. This was the only way Id ever see the girl Im crazy about down to her
underwear. I nodded slowly up and down.
Fine! She unbuttoned her jeans and then looked over her shoulder. Turn around! she
demanded.
Why? Im going to watch you run down the hallway anyway. I lost it, grabbing at my stomach
and coughing my laughter out.
Oh fine! But then the air in the room grew thick and silent when she shimmied those tight jeans
down her thighs, past her knees, and then stepped out of them. She wore some cotton black panties
that rode up her ass like theyre meant to, the entire bottom half of her ass sticking out. I licked my
lips, wetting and re-wetting them when she reached the bottom of her shirt and pulled it over her head.
She wore a matching black bra. Her breasts spilled over the tops of the cups.
My dick strained against my pants; my imagination went wild. I envisioned pulling down the
cups of her bra and sucking her nipple into my mouth while my fingers made their way into her wet
panties and into her body.
She snapped her fingers at me. Eyes up here, buddy! she said and then walked to the door. I
followed her because what else was I supposed to do?
She took a deep breath and then opened the door and took off. She was down the hallway in
seconds. Her hands were cupping her breasts, making sure they didnt escape her bra. It was a shame
she thought to cover herself because I wouldve liked to see that. She started giggling hysterically
when she ran down to the opposite side of the hallway. When she was making her way back to our
room, the door across from us opened, and a middle aged man stepped out. His eyes widened and a
shit-eating grin took over.
Oh. My. God, Briar said, freaking out. I didnt like the way the man was looking at her. I
grabbed her around the waist and pushed her behind me, blocking her body from the old ass pervert
who was looking at her like she was his own personal porn star. I backed up until we were both back in
the room and then slammed the door after letting out a stream of cuss words at the gawker.
I turned around thinking I was going to find an incredibly pissed off Briar staring daggers into
my back. But, when I turned around, Briar was hunched over, grabbing her legs, and doing her silent
laugh she always did when she was laughing so hard her voice box couldnt keep up.
It made me chuckle, but I was still pretty focused on the nearly naked Briar in front of me. I
walked closer to her and patted her back.
She sucked in a loud breath, which allowed a boisterous cackle to break free. The sound was so
ridiculous that I joined in with her. I calmed down before she did. I picked her up by the legs and
tossed her over my shoulder. Her ass was within inches of my face. I didnt bother stopping myself. I
reached up and slapped the bare skin on her ass.
Hey! she yelled and guffawed.
I threw her onto the bed. She landed, with a gasp, onto her back. I surprised her by jumping on the
bed after her and catching myself on my elbows and knees over top of her. Her giggles swiftly
disappeared. If I stopped holding myself up, I couldve pressed my body against her, in all the right
areas. I seriously considered it. She was looking up at me like she wanted me to, but I wasnt
positive I wasnt completely sure that she wanted that from me. Instead, I continued to hold my
weight up and study her features. Id miss this. Id miss being able to look into her eyes and see the
small green flecks that were only visible up close, the small point at the end of her nose, her
pronounced jaw and soft cheeks. Id miss her sweet smell and smooth skin.
Underneath my lips, the skin of her forehead felt warm and right. Her wet, hot breath was coming
out rapidly and hitting my neck. I didnt know what I was doing, but I couldnt stop myself either. I
moved my lips further down and kissed the bridge of her nose. I was going to kiss her. This was it. I
was finally going to throw all caution out and take a chance and hope to God she felt the same way.
Worst case scenario shed push me away and tell me we were only friends. Best case shed kiss me
back and this night would get a whole lot better. I pressed my lips to the tip of her nose. Her eyes were
closed, but her eyelashes fluttered every time my lips touched her skin. I kissed the right side of her
lips, then moved to the left side and kissed there too. I was going to make this the best first kiss she
ever had. I hovered over her lips, enjoying the feel of her breath against my mouth. I leaned forward,
my lips almost on hers
Her phone started ringing. Her fucking phone pierced through the room. Her eyes shot open, her
hands went to my chest, and she pushed. Briar jumped off the bed and grabbed her jeans, searching
every pocket.
I couldnt believe that happened, right when I was about to kiss her. It took years for me to get
that close to knowing the taste of her lips, and I was still going to leave tomorrow not knowing.
Hello? Briar answered her phone breathlessly.
She refused to look at me; it felt like a stab right in the gut when her eyes avoided mine. She
didnt want me. She was caught up in our closeness; it was obvious. I freaked her out.
Mom, I have the car, she said in a hushed voice.
Oh come on, its not stealing. Im your daughter, She sighed.
Arrow leaves for boot camp tomorrow, she added.
Thats why I didnt ask you, she said angrily. Her entire body went taut as she listened to
whatever her mom said.
Im staying the night here, she said confidently. Thats when she met my glance and mouthed,
Is that okay? I nodded. I wanted nothing more than to have her with me. She smiled and went back
to speaking with her mom, who hated me.
You cant come get me if you dont know where I am, she answered. No, Im not telling you.
Yeah, yeah. Bye. She hung up.
Wow, I said. She threw her phone into the chair near the bed. I take it your mom isnt happy?
That would be a correct assumption. Theyll probably try to ground me until I move out. Briar
didnt seem to mind though.
Sorry, I stated.
Why? Shes stupid if she thinks Im not going to say bye to you before you leave. Im eighteen,
Arrow. Im tired of her thinking she can control everything that I do.
I thought about pointing out the fact that she did take her moms car but decided against it. I
wanted Briar to stay the night. Sure, I didnt want her to be in trouble with her parents, but I liked that
she was willing to get into trouble in order to spend one last night with me before I headed out.
It was getting late, and we were both tired. Briars eyes were getting heavy, her eyelids struggling
to stay open. We lay down after the dramatic call from her mom and watched pointless television. She
was still in her underwear, and I still had on my jeans.
You ready to sleep? I asked.
She nodded sluggishly.
Is it going to bother you if I sleep in my boxers? I asked.
She looked over at me. No, it wont bother me. Her cheeks looked a little pink as she watched
me strip off my pants. I got under the blankets and turned on my side, allowing me to get a good look
at her bare stomach; it caved in whenever she let out her breath. My stare moved over her belly button,
her ribs, the hills of her breasts, and then I met her eyes.
Arrow? she inquired.
Yeah?
Will you hold me tonight? She seemed nervous about my answer. Her left hand started picking
at the nails on her right.
You dont even have to ask. I was planning on it anyway. We stared at each other with small
smiles. I put my arm over her stomach, gripped near her ribcage, and pulled her towards me. Her back
fit into my chest perfectly. The curve of her ass fit into my pelvis. Her knees were bent, and mine were
bent behind hers. I kept my left arm around her, holding her securely to me. I envisioned going to bed
like that every night for the rest of our lives, holding her body against mine, breathing in her natural
perfume.
Goodnight, she whispered into the pillow.
Night, Briar, I said into the crook of her neck. I placed a peck there and fell asleep.
I woke up in a different position than when I fell asleep. Arrow was pinned onto his back; my
head rested in the area between his right shoulder and pectoral, my right arm wrapped around his hard
midsection, and my right leg bent over his hip and lying on top of a particularly stiff part of Arrow.
I wanted badly to wake him up in a manner he wouldnt forget easily. But I didnt have the guts
to take it there.
The night before had been intense. I had been restrained to the bed underneath his body. He was
awfully careful in making sure his body didnt actually lie against mine. When his mouth touched my
forehead, my breath froze. In a silent prayer, I begged for him to press against me, to push my legs
apart and place his body there. His lips made their way down my face to the sides of mouth and almost
kissed me. Almost until my phone went off. It was like a light switch in my mind was flipped on,
and I realized quickly that we almost crossed a very dangerous a line - a line that I wasnt sure he was
ready to cross. As soon as I had stood up from the bed and picked up my phone, I wondered if he was
only going to kiss me because he was scared about leaving for boot camp tomorrow. I could never
understand the nerves he must have been feeling - leaving a place that youve been your entire life,
leaving your friends and family. That had to be hard. He was most likely searching for comfort in the
closest person to him, which was me.
In the moment, my eyes closed, my breathing came out rapidly, and my heart stuttered causing
my chest to heave up and down. I wanted that kiss. But it wasnt meant to be.
Arrow began shifting underneath me; I couldnt make myself move away from the skin on skin
contact. I didnt know when hed be back, or how things would be between us, or even what things
would be different about Arrow. I heard that boot camp changed people, and war changed them even
further. It made sense. Being in a completely different lifestyle where your wants and desires are put
in the background, somewhere where the only focus is to protect your new brothers and sisters around
you should change you. From what Ive heard, the country and its people, the people youre fighting
next to, are the things that matter most.
His loud yawn reverberated in his chest making a roaring sound beneath my head. I giggled and
squeezed his side. He drew me nearer and, with the arm I was lying on, began to run circles on my
bare back.
Morning, he said in a low rumble. His sleepy voice was a couple octaves lower than his normal
voice, scratchy sounding and well yummy. I tried to pinch my thighs together to relieve some of
the built up longing from last night and this morning, but my thighs couldnt touch. Instead I ended up
squeezing his hardened cock closer to my cleft.
He groaned against the top of my forehead. I winced and moved my leg a few inches up and away
from that erogenous zone.
Sorry, I muttered.
Its alright, he chuckled.
I lifted my head up and rested it on my left hand, allowing me to look down at him.
What time do you have to be downstairs? I asked, dreading the answer.
Arrow glanced at the alarm and cringed. In ten minutes. Its a good thing we woke up when we
did because I forgot to set an alarm.
I dragged my leg away from Arrow and sat up in the bed. As I sat up, the blanket fell down and
pooled at my legs. Arrow watched as the multi colored comforter left my body, his eyes becoming
intense. I looked down and quickly remembered that I was still in my underwear - only my underwear.
My cheeks lit up, but I didnt want to embarrass myself further by covering myself quickly like a self-
conscious teenager - even though thats exactly what I was. He followed my lead, though, and sat up
too. Id seen his chest multiple times in the years Id known him, but there was something incredibly
distinct in seeing him half naked inside a hotel room. My eyes took in his chest with its light brushing
of hair fanning out from one pectoral to the other, then that hair moving down his stomach in a slim
line to his belly button and into the waist of his boxers.
I didnt take my eyes off of him even when he stood and made his way to the bathroom. I
watched his tight ass the whole way there. I worked to memorize every inch of his body that was open
for me to stare at. I burned into my memory each hard muscle and line that made Arrow into the man
Id wanted for the past four years. I wanted to open up that mental photograph in my mind whenever I
felt like it. Id remember every last inch from the hairs on his head to the solid muscles of his back
and the flexed movements in his legs.
The shower whined as Arrow turned it on, then the sound of water hitting the ceramic tub
drowned every noise out.
Want to join me? Arrow hollered from behind the door. I heard the deep rumble of his laughter.
In your dreams! I yelled back.
Thought Id ask. Im going into a war zone; I might never feel the warmth of a womans body
again, he teased.
Youre going to boot camp, not war, I corrected.
Damn it, any other woman wouldnt question me. The shower curtain crinkled. I pictured his
naked body stepping into the hot drizzle of the shower.
I rolled my eyes. Then you know a lot of stupid girls.
True. Ill be out in a second.
I rounded up the clothes Id stripped off last night to run half naked down the hallway and slid
each article back on.
I was tugging my shirt down when Arrow came into the room with a towel wrapped around his
waist. Water droplets ran down the length of his arms and chest, some getting stuck in the hair on his
body. Wetting my lips and fixing my shirt, I smiled at him.
You couldnt wait to get dressed until I got out here? he asked in a joking manner.
Youve seen enough, I bantered.
I think he said, Not enough. But the words were low and meant for his ears, not mine.
He picked up a pile of clothes lying on the new-looking, brown chair next to the bed and went
back into the steaming bathroom. When he returned, he was fully dressed, but his hair was still wet
and a little wild from towel-drying it.
We better head down, he suggested. I have a feeling they wont like anyone being late.
I bit my lip and ran a hand through my hair. I hadnt looked in the mirror, but I knew what I
looked like straight out of bed. It wasnt pretty. We didnt have time for me to take a shower or
freshen up, though, so instead I nodded, picked up my purse, slipped my feet into the black flip flops,
and followed him out of the room.
He took my hand as soon as we were in the hallway and dragged me toward the elevator. I wanted
to lag behind and make him walk slower. Everything was going too fast. The past four years seemed to
have disappeared in a blink of an eye, last night seemed like it was five minutes ago, and the fact that
he was about to board a bus full of other Marine recruits felt way too real. I wanted to puke. I wanted
to pull him back into the hotel room, lock the door, and tell him he couldnt leave.
Maybe he read my mind or maybe he was thinking and wishing the same exact things I was. He
whispered, Ill write. Ill call. The metal doors opened, and we stepped into the elevator.
I shook my head up and down, holding his hand tighter in mine. We didnt say another word until
we were in the lobby of the hotel.
There were men in uniform; they stood straighter than the new recruits, more polished, more put
together. Still, I noticed some of them watching recruits saying bye to their loved ones, and I saw the
compassion in their eyes. They understood the difficulty of walking away, knowing it was the last
time youd see that person as they are now. When Arrow came back, hed be different.
There were men hugging women with rings on their fingers and others hugging their parents and
siblings. I wasnt anyones significant other or family member, but I felt like I was losing a limb from
my body.
I suddenly realized tears were running down my cheeks as I looked around at all these people and
thought about how damn badly it hurt to say goodbye to my best friend. An older woman looked over
at me with a frown etched into the sides of her mouth. Her lips tipped upwards in a sympathetic smile.
Hey, Arrow said drawing my attention to him.
I couldnt see him clearly through my watery eyes. He wiped my eyes, which helped a little, but
soon they filled up again.
This isnt easy, he said, pain etched in every feature of his face. His sad eyes mirrored my own.
If I dont hear from you Ill kick your ass, I stated, sniffling.
I know. He grinned down at me. Come here. He yanked me, not so gently, against him.
Ill be back in no time, he conceded.
Not soon enough. My fists gripped the white cotton of his t-shirt which had the band 311
written across it.
You have two minutes to say goodbye! A Marine yelled to all of us.
Shit, I muttered. Two minutes wasnt enough time; an hour wouldnt be enough.
Okay, well I thought I knew exactly what Id say to you before I left, but now that were here
everything I was going to say kind of flew out the window. Arrow blew out his breath, looked around
the room, and then met my eyes.
Ill see you in a few months, I said, still not wanting to say goodbye. It felt too final.
He nodded. Yep, and I know your address. Ill write you as soon as we get the chance, and then
youll have my address and you better write me back, Briar. His eyes narrowed into slits.
Of course Ill write, you idiot!
Wrap it up! The same solider yelled.
Arrow looked ready to yell back at the man but bit back the urge with a short exhalation. He
reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.
When you get in the car, open this. But not until you get in the car, he commanded, pulling the
paper away from my fingers, waiting for my promise.
Yeah, okay, I muttered. Ill wait until Im in the car to read it. He released his hold on the
note. I put it in my front pocket, shoving it in without graceful coordination.
We slammed into each other at the same time, hugging one another like our entire lives depended
on it. I held onto him like a life force. His embrace was painfully tight, but I welcomed the uneasy
breaths and tightness of my lungs.
Load up! the soldier called out.
I love you, Briar, he whispered it into my ear and let me go. I didnt get a chance to tell him I
loved him back. He was too far away and lining up with all the other men and women. I turned around,
both my hands over my left breast, reaching for my heart, wanting to hold it in my hands, and walked
outside and into my moms car.
I took the letter out of my front pocket and opened it rapidly, nearly tearing it. There wasnt a lot
written, but it was enough. I laid my head against the steering wheel and looked down at my lap re-
reading the note over and over again.
Briar,
Some of our best times together have involved music. Singing ridiculously in the car with you is one of my favorite hobbies.
But, theres one song that Im going to play every day that Im away. Every time I play it, Im going to be thinking of you. I
hope you do the same.
Dear God by Avenged Sevenfold. You know which one Im talking about. Youre my best friend. I love you.
Yours,
Arrow
The entire way home I had that song on repeat. I listened to the words closely. I knew them by
heart, but knowing those words meant something to Arrow and he meant them for me changed the way
the song affected me.
A week and a half later, I received a typed letter telling me what I could and couldnt send to
Arrow. Included was his address that I could begin mailing to whenever I wanted. Id already written
him a letter each day of his absence. I wrote his new address on each one of the ten envelopes,
stamped them, and stuck them in the mailbox.
The first letter from Arrow came three weeks after he left, after five hundred plus times of
listening to Dear God on constant repeat, and after a million different thoughts of him.
The envelope was thin and small; yet, it held the greatest gift I could ask for on my birthday:
communication from Arrow. His name and address would look like chicken scratches to anyone else.
The messy, small letters ran together instead of forming the numbers and words. I looked longingly at
the curve of my name that leaked from the pen between his fingers. Id gotten used to his mixture of
print and cursive writing years ago through our note writing in high school.
I carefully tore the top of the envelope open and pulled the lined paper out. It was only a single
page front and back. I read over the words fast, aching for this minute piece of Arrow. The second
time I read it slower, taking in each word, devouring it.
In his written word, he explained how fast paced training was and how they didnt have a lot of
free time. This was the first instance they were allotted time to write. He thanked me for all my letters
and expressed how important they were to him, how they helped him get through every day knowing
that I was writing him, how they let him know I was thinking about him. He said right now they were
memorizing basic commands and things of that nature. I soaked in each word, then traced the
inscription at the top of the page. He had written the first few lines of Dear God in bold letters.
I folded it back up and placed everything into the wooden, vintage box with stickers of my
favorite bands covering nearly the entire surface.
Weeks went by until I got another letter, but I continued my daily journaling to Arrow. I was still
dating Killian, but we were taking things slow like slow motion slow. He was accepting of my
unwillingness to hop into bed with him after a couple months of dating. I wasnt being a complete
tease; we kissed and made out. Going further than that was not in our near future though. I couldnt
take back the fact that I lost my virginity to someone I didnt love, but Id be damned if the next time
I had sex I made the same mistake. I wanted it to mean more this time around. I just didnt love
Killian yet, but maybe one day I would.
Arrow and Lacey were still in their semi-dating relationship. I knew because she was constantly
writing on his social networking site about how much she missed him and how she loved getting his
letters in the mail, etc. For the most part, Arrow and I didnt write about other people. He brought up
Lacey one time, and I didnt respond to that specific part in the letter. I didnt want to talk about her or
know that he was thinking about her.
A little more than halfway through his thirteen weeks of boot camp, I got another letter. This one
was a lot shorter, barely reaching half of the loose leafed paper. Theyd just begun the second phase of
boot camp, field training. He was exhausted. Every day he woke up with sore, tight muscles. When he
had free time, he slept. All of them did. Because of that, his emails and letters were sparse.
Though I continued to write, I was running out of things to say to him. It wasnt the same with
him gone. Being with someone and having them as a permanent fixture in your life, always there when
you need a hug, to talk, or scream dont normally seem important but became huge, meaningful
memories that seemed fictitious and a lifetime away.
There was a distance growing between us. Not only were we separated by miles, but the strings
threading our hearts together were being pulled so tightly that I could feel the struggle and strain of
the hold trying not to snap.
I pondered, not for the first time, if Arrow was growing tired of the energy it took to stay in
contact with me. I couldnt help but think that sooner rather than later the letters would stop all
together.
I was watching a movie one afternoon at Killians apartment. Hed recently started renting the
new place with his best friend Robby. My parents liked Killian; he was a put together kind of a guy,
enjoyed sports, could talk to my dad about the stock market, and was a sophomore at the same college
Id be attending in just a few short weeks. My parents encouraged any time I spent with him.
It was a breath of fresh air not having to beg and plead to go out. With Arrow, there was always
an argument, always a tone of disapproval and annoyance.
We were watching a superhero movie; it was pretty good besides the cheesy quotes. Killian and I
were horizontal on the couch. I was tucked against him, and he was pushed against the back of the
couch. During a serious part of the film, where the villain has the clich choice to choose good over
evil, my phone began going off. Struggling to unfold myself from Killians arms, I nearly missed it,
but hit the answer button right before it went to voicemail, not knowing who was on the other end.
Hello? I asked.
Briar, Arrows low voice sang through my cell.
Its you! I jumped off the couch and flew through the front door and into the hallway.
He chuckled. Well, depends who you are referring to with that pronoun. You could be referring
to any number of people.
Well, the Marines didnt change you too much. Youre still a smart ass, I teased.
Ha ha, he said.
I cant believe Im actually hearing your voice right now! You mustve earned some brownie
points or something.
Actually, we all get to call our friends and family today to fill them in on graduation. I was
hoping youd come, he explained, hopeful.
Of course Ill come. When is it? Where? What time? Should I ride with your parents? I asked
in a hurried manner.
You mean it? Youll come?
Duh, but you have to give me more info.
He rambled off the date, time and location and then said, You probably dont want to ride with
my parents, he began and then quickly stuttered out, their car is going to be pretty full.
What? Theres only the two of them.
Uhm, his voice took on a quiet tone, Laceys riding with them.
I tried to keep from gasping into the phone by covering my mouth with my left hand. I bit down
hard on the insides of my cheeks.
Oh. That changes things. Ill look at a plane ticket.
Okay. He cleared his throat. I havent gotten a letter from you in about a week.
Immediate guilt flooded into my bones. I had stopped writing as often because his replies were
getting smaller and smaller. Each one contained another lyric from Dear God. That was my favorite
part, but even the way he wrote it wasnt as confidently written. I felt dejected, a little lost, and really
confused about what I was supposed to do.
Ive just been really busy, I gave the first excuse that came to me.
He was quiet.
Okay, thats a lie I havent been that busy, I admitted.
Want to tell me why you stopped? he said each word with short precision. I never responded
well when he took on that tone. It always rubbed me the wrong way, like he turned off his emotions
and made himself a robot who couldnt feel and instead only thought with logic instead of his heart.
The distance is getting to me, I said, giving him the smallest part of the truth.
Id like to know how youre going to deal with me being deployed or stationed somewhere
farther away. Are you just going to completely end our friendship? Is it that easy for you? he sneered.
How dare you! Nothing about this is easy! I miss you. Every. Single. Day. Im constantly
wondering what youre doing, if you are okay! Thats all I think about! I yelled. You dont get to
judge me for how I handle all of this, okay? When was the last time you sat down and really wrote to
me, Arrow?
Briar, I have more than just you I have to send letters to, he argued.
Oh, dont I know it! I hollered. You have Lacey! Believe me, Arrow, I havent forgotten.
He growled into the receiver causing my back to straighten and eyes to narrow.
Come or dont come to my graduation, Briar. If youre there, great. If youre not there, then I
guess we learned just how weak this friendship was anyway, right?
Are you threatening me? Seriously This is the first time Ive talked to you in months and
youre giving me an ultimatum? If I dont come, our friendship is over? Just like that? I asked, angry
tears stinging my eyes, my throat tightening and stomach dropping.
Its not a threat, and it isnt an ultimatum. Its a fact. If you arent here, its only the proof that
solidifies how easily you let go of this, he reasoned.
Youre being an ass, I seethed.
Youre being a shit friend, he combated.
Eyes widening, both hands fisting, one of them gripping my phone harder than necessary, I was
stunned. How dare he.
I have to go, he mumbled. I have to call Lacey.
Her name was the final straw. I moved the phone away from my face, and then I launched my
phone at the wall, down the stairs. I heard the crunch of the screen hitting the brick wall. I watched the
tiny, black, plastic pieces scatter on the floor.
The scream, which echoed through the halls of the apartment complex, sounded animalistic and
wounded. I slid to the carpeted floor, my butt hitting it hard, but I barely felt the sting. I leaned against
the wall by the door of Killians place, which opened up swiftly. He came running outside, looking
anxious and ready to hurt someone.
When he saw me looking broken and tired, his features morphed into one full of compassion
and love. He loved me. It was written all over his face like a book lying open on a nightstand. I
dont know how I missed it before, how I didnt recognize that emotion when Id felt that same
intense thing for my best friend, but there it was staring at me.
I stood with wobbly legs and walked up to Killian, his eyes never leaving mine but his arms
reaching out for me, ready to catch me if my legs gave out. When I was wrapped up in his long arms,
we retreated into his apartment. When the door closed, I stood up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips
against his, slowly at first and then with fervency. I pushed him down to the couch and crawled on top
of him, grinding into his quickly hardening cock. I moved down, pressing my lips against every piece
of skin from his neck to the top of his collared shirt.
Hey, slow down, Killian said.
I didnt listen. I continued on my path, pushing his shirt up to his chest and licking down his
stomach. I reached for the button on his jeans.
Briar, youre not ready, he muttered.
I ignored him and flipped open the button and lowered his zipper.
Then, he sat up and pulled me into his chest, halting me from going further. His hands held my
arms behind me.
Stop, he commanded, looking into my eyes. His blue eyes were pooled with desire and
frustration. I dont know what just happened out there, but youre reacting to it by trying to get closer
to me. Thats not how this is going to happen. He shook his head back and forth. I yanked at my arms
trying to get them loose. Im not letting you go until you swear to stop with this. Let me hold you;
talk to me, tell me what happened.
The urgency to let somebody love my body left in a whoosh. I deflated in his arms, every muscle
relaxed. My lips fell into a frown. He was right; I was hurt and feeling needy. I wanted to get back at
Arrow by doing what hed done to hurt me. He didnt know it, but I was still wounded from when he
slept with Lacey. Mentioning her name on the phone, telling me his parents were driving her to his
graduation, that he was getting off the phone with me so he could call her was taking that wound that
had only just begun to heal and reopening it, causing it to become infected and inflamed.
I refocused on the ocean blue eyes in front of me, the eyes of one guy who offered a balm to
soothe my aching ailments. For the first time since Arrow, I thought, I might be able to love again.
Staying pissed off at Briar was never an easy feat when I was forced to see her every day in high
school. Wed yell at each other, be completely furious, then come to school the next day and all that
anger had dissipated.
Every day that I dont see her feels like another mile put in between us in a physical sense as well
as emotional. Not seeing her, not having her in my line of vision or having the availability to touch her
or read her expressions was making it a whole lot easier to stay mad.
In fact, I was more than mad. I was livid. I was snapping at my new friends and having a hell of a
time trying to keep from spitting venom at my drill sergeants. The fury in my veins made me work
harder than I had before. I was kicking ass at our field training and even adding some lifting in my
free time. I meant what I said to Briar on the phone; she either showed up or she didnt. If she didnt, I
was done with this shit. The jealously running deep inside me, knowing she dated another guy, was
driving me to insanity. Knowing she would never love me the way I did her hurt but I was willing to
have only a friendship with her. But that would only work if I knew she at least cared enough about me
to put in effort. When we were handed our mail last Sunday and I didnt have a single letter from
Briar, I thought something horrible must had happened to her. I had pleaded with my commanding
officers to let me have one phone call just one to make sure she was okay. They all refused. They told
me if something tragic had happened I wouldve been informed.
My imagination got the best of me. I couldnt sleep through the night without knowing why she
stopped writing me. I came up with excuses for her, wanting to believe this had to be an accident -
excuses like her letters got lost in the mail, her parents took the letters before they could be retrieved
and sent. I even allowed myself to accept that she had possibly gone on vacation with a friend.
When I called, I hoped shed confirm that I was correct, that she wouldnt just stop writing me
without a good reason. But I wasnt right. She stopped because this was too much for her. She didnt
care enough for me to work through this. I wasnt enough for her. It was like a kick to my fucking
balls when she admitted that it wasnt because she was busy, but instead because it was just too
hard. Did she think this was going to be some walk in the park? That the time would simply fly by
and everything would be effortless and uncomplicated?
Did I expect her to continue writing me on a daily basis? No, not really. I liked that she did that,
but it was too much to require of anyone. However, I certainly didnt expect her to give up so close to
the finish line.
Graduation was approaching. Today, my parents and Lacey would arrive. Tomorrow theyd watch
and congratulate me for making it through the strenuous thirteen weeks. I hadnt heard from Briar
since our phone call. We were both bull-headed and easily angered, but she was, clearly, in the wrong.
Yet no letters came. No emails, no messages on any of the social networking sites I belonged to,
nothing. The connection between us was silent, empty, mute, broken.
I didnt give up hoping that shed still be here tomorrow. Our relationship had its ups and downs.
There were times when my feelings blurred the line between friendship and more, but we always made
it through. She was the one consistency that never wavered. She would be there; she had to be.
Because if she wasnt there, my future looked bleak and desolate.
My family arrived in time for dinner. Lacey jumped out of my parents car and sprinted towards
me when she saw me walking towards them. She flung her body into me, and I caught her. She was a
pretty sight to behold. Id been around a bunch of sweaty, dirty guys for weeks. Yeah, they were my
friends, but having a girl like Lacey to look at and touch was certainly welcomed by the painfully
large bulge pressing against the seam of my pants.
I had two different pictures of Briar which I carried with me during boot camp. One was a senior
picture that she had professionally taken. She was lying on her back in some field in the middle of
nowhere, and the camera captured her laughing and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. It was my
favorite picture. She hated it, naturally. And then I had another one of her and I leaning against my
truck. We mustve been talking, but all you could see was me looking down, her looking up, and both
of us smiling. My buddy Liam took it and sent a copy to my email with a remark similar to, Hmm
you sure youre dating Darcy? Hes the only guy who knew my feelings for Briar, and it wasnt
because I openly told him. Hes just that damn good at reading people.
I had one picture of Lacey. She sent it to me in one of her letters and lets just say it wasnt for
the public eye.
She jumped up, wrapping her legs around my waist and kissing me passionately, which was a
little uncomfortable with my parents standing a few feet away. But whatever - if she wanted to kiss,
wed kiss. At least shed written me a letter each week and never stopped that communication.
Lacey was one of those outgoing girls who could get along with just about anyone. She spoke
loud and laughed even louder. She won over my parents easily enough, and then when she started
meeting my friends from camp, they were all enamored with her. I posed for what felt like a million
different pictures that she wanted to take with her phone. She squealed excitedly when she liked the
pictures of her and me and quickly deleted the ones she hated. We even took those pictures that
everyone hates to see on their public newsfeed. You know, of couples constantly kissing that was
us.
Kiss me! shed say with enough energy to power one hundred different energizer rabbits.
Havent we already taken ten different pictures like that? I asked.
One more? she pouted.
One. Then enough pictures, I finally said, tired of the constant snapping sound her smart phone
would make.
It wasnt until days later that I realized she was uploading every single one of those pictures on to
her online page and tagging me in every last one of them.
I got to stay in the hotel room with her that night. My parents didnt even question it or throw a
fit; their moral compass was broken when it came to women and me. Mom and dad had a room a
couple doors down from us. Part of my mind was still stuck on Briar and beginning to freak out about
her not being there already. If she were coming, she wouldve already made it, right? But I was still a
guy, so when Lacey stripped off her clothes in a show geared only towards me, my mind went
elsewhere. I watched, sitting in the wooden seat that went with the small desk in our room, as she
undressed until she was completely nude. She tiptoed over to me, got down on her knees, and went to
work on edging my pants down to my knees. Her tongue dipped out and licked the top of my dick.
Throwing my head back, I relished in letting out the pent up sexual tension. I grabbed a fistful of her
bright, blonde hair in my hand and pushed her mouth down until she accepted the majority of my thick
length into her throat. Knowing I wasnt going to last since itd been weeks since I was inside of her, I
only let her move her mouth around me a couple more times before I pulled her up.
Im going to come if you keep doing that, I said as I grabbed her thighs and pulled her towards
my lap.
Thats the point, she teased and flipped her hair over her left shoulder.
I trailed the fingers of my left hand up the inside of her thigh until I reached her pussy. I split her
lower lips apart and plunged two fingers inside of her. Her eyes closed with a moan.
I removed my hands from her skin.
Come here, I said. Foreplay was good when you wanted to take your time. But I was ready to
come, and she was wet and ready for me to slide into.
She complied, each of her legs taking their places on either side of the chair. Then she grabbed
my stiff dick, placed it at her opening, and glided me inside of her as she sat down on my lap. She
moved up and down in a slow rhythm. I took her waist in both my hands and sped her up while rolling
my hips in a way that made my pelvis hit her clit. She was getting close, and I was about ready to
burst. Her legs quaked when I reached down and rubbed at her sensitive nerves. She came with my
name on her lips, and I finished two pumps later.
She slipped into our full sized bed, and I followed. After the high of getting laid wore off, my
thoughts went back to Briar and wondering if she was honestly out of my life for good.
Lacey fell asleep after an hour of watching the fuzzy television, but I laid on the lumpy mattress
not able to rest. I ran a hand down my face out of pure irritation. Why couldnt I stop thinking about
Briar even when I had a girl who was clearly crazy about me, right here, ready and willing to take this
shit to the next level?
Fortunately, I found a plane leaving for my destination right on time. I wasnt going to go to
Arrows graduation because I wanted to make a point that I wouldnt let him bully me. Lying in bed
last night, looking up at my bedroom ceiling covered in that horrible popcorn paint that was popular in
the seventies, I felt sick to my stomach with the decision. At five in the morning, I couldnt sit still
any longer. Id lay it into him when I saw him for talking to me the way he did on the phone, but there
was no way in hell I would miss out on the chance to see him after thirteen weeks, especially on such
an important day. I called Killian, waking him up, and explained what I needed him to do. He didnt
make me feel bad for wanting to see Arrow. He told me he would be over in ten minutes. He picked
me up, drove me to the airport, and told me to call him with the details of my flight.
I got lucky; there was one seat left, but it wasnt leaving for five more hours. I was going to be
late to his graduation, but with a little bit of luck, and hopefully a fast taxi driver, Id make it to the
end of it.
During my five hour wait at the airport, I drank an espresso and began surfing the web on my
phone. I ended up on Arrows page because thats where I always ended up, and saw at least fifty new
pictures uploaded. Every single one of those photographs were he and Lacey. Some of them they were
kissing; they even had one where his tongue was clearly down her nasty throat. I sped past that one,
but studied each one after that. They looked happy, really happy, like an actual couple-in-love kind of
happy. Instantly, I regretted not asking Arrow more questions about his new, blooming relationship
with Lacey. I had no idea theyd grown so close while he was away. Arrow looked different too. Hed
always been tall, broad, and strong, but the muscles in his shoulders were larger, his arms thicker. His
hair was cut down to a buzz. Id never seen him like that in all the years Id known him. His hair had
always been a little on the long side, long enough that the ends curled. Now no one would ever know
he had naturally curly hair. It was short enough that it looked straight and prickly to the touch. He
looked good, but he didnt look like my Arrow.
Before long, I was boarding my plane. There were a number of different people joining me. There
were some couples in their thirties or forties, an elderly gentleman smiling ear to ear, a baby that was
already crying, a few nervous-looking pre-teens. I didnt know whom they were flying to see or if they
were possibly flying back to their homes.
I was on edge, and each loud shrill from a small toddler at the back of plane wasnt helping. It
wasnt the babys hysterics that were necessarily making me tense, but instead, it felt like a bad omen.
Id only been on a plane once before which meant I was the typical, jumpy passenger every time
the turbulence shook the giant flying mobile in the sky. I stuck my earphones into my lobes and blared
the mix on my iPod. It started with Breaking Benjamins Breath and then moved to Staind. Eventually
it found its way to playing the one song my subconscious was dying to hear, Dear God. After it
played once, I put it on repeat, closing my eyes and leaning my head against the window to my left.
A couple hours later we touched down. I collected my bag from the carry-on compartment and all
but ran out of the airport, searching for a taxi. When one opened the door for me, I jumped in and
handed over the directions I had written on a pink post-it.
I looked at my phone constantly, worrying that I was going to miss the entire ceremony. I wasnt
sure how long these sorts of things lasted, but I hoped they were lengthy and drawn out.
When we pulled up to the location on the directions, I noticed people gathered in small groups,
chatting and having a good time. The graduation was evidently over, but it seemed most people were
still meandering around. I opened the back door of the white taxi and stepped out. The driver rolled
down his window and spouted off the amount I owed him. I didnt hear him because I caught sight of
Arrow.
My legs started to give out on me, causing me to lean heavily on the car.
Are you alright, lady? the driver asked. I ignored his question because the answer was too
personal and too hard to explain.
Arrow couldnt see me. His back was facing me; Lacey on the other hand had a clear view of
where I stood. She was talking a lot with her hands, moving them around excitedly and smiling with
all of her teeth up at Arrow. He kept touching her every chance he got: her hands, shoulder, even her
face. Each time he would graze her skin, I felt my own go cold. I debated on whether or not this was a
good time to interrupt them, but my legs wouldnt move from where they stood.
Then my decision was made. Lacey looked up over Arrows shoulder, her features changed only
slightly, but I noticed. She raised an eyebrow at me, daring me to come forward. She reached up with
her right hand and put it on the back of Arrows neck, pulling him down so his lips would meet hers.
He didnt think twice about it. He bent down and meshed his mouth on hers, tongues intertwining,
bodies pressing closer together in a way that showed theyd be more than kissing as soon as they got
some privacy.
All the blood left my face and a cold sweat broke out across my forehead. Arrow wasnt heart
broken by the thought of me not being here. He played the guilt card on me over the phone for not
writing him, making it sound like Id wronged him in an unforgiveable way when in reality, Arrow no
longer cared whether or not I was privy to these important milestones of his life. He wasnt kidding
when he said our friendship would be over if I missed his graduation. I had no idea how quickly that
would take effect.
He cupped Laceys cheeks in the same affectionate way that hed done to me many times in the
past, and I couldnt watch it anymore. I opened the door to the taxi and took the seat Id just been in.
Take me back to the airport, please, I choked out.
The driver looked in the rearview mirror. Are you sure? Youre not looking good there, lady,
should I go get whomever you came to see? he asked.
Theres no one here for me to see. I looked out my window just in time to see Laceys smug
smile. She won. Please, Im sorry for wasting your time, but I need to get back to the airport as soon
as possible. I tried to sit straight in my seat. I tried to hold the tears at bay. I tried to look composed
and calm. I tried to look like my entire life didnt just vanish. I had no one to help hold me together.
But I had to appear calm until we were far enough away from Lacey and Arrow. I wouldnt let her
know what she took from me, how severely she shattered me.
Once we were on the highway, sobs rocked my body. When the dry heaves took over, the driver
pulled into a gas station and grabbed a wet towel and bought me a bottle of water. I thanked him
through my congestion and tears. I felt pathetic, fragile, and worthless; three words Id never want
anyone to describe me with. Still, when we took off towards the airport again, I continued to cry. The
sobs became whimpers as I thought back to my past with Arrow. I loved him. I think I always would.
Our past was riddled with laughter, compassion, pain, forgiveness, eagerness, and love. Whether
Arrow still cared for me would no longer matter, but I knew I knew that our friendship had been
real, profound, and full of love.
We were driving away from Arrows future of which I would no longer be a part. It seemed right
to look back on our time together because thats where I was heading: back to Arrows past.
When we pulled in to the drop off area, I wiped my face and made a silent promise to stop living
in the past and to start living in the present. I would never let another person have the kind of hold on
me that Arrow did. I would never allow another human being to embed themselves into my soul
because healing a broken heart was hard enough healing the soul was impossible. How can you heal
something that no longer belongs to you?
Youll be all right, kid, the driver said confidently with a slight smile.
Yeah, I will. I smiled back and handed him a hefty amount of money with an even larger tip.
Then I flew back home, and I went on with my life.
She didnt come. During graduation my eyes wandered constantly, looking, searching, for Briar in
the crowd. Even when the event was almost over, I didnt give up all hope. I searched every face, I
told myself I couldnt see because she was hidden behind a large man or maybe she had to run to the
restroom. But, when it was all over, when families were gathering together, when Briar was still
nowhere to be found, I knew she didnt come.
Even though the heat was agonizing outside, especially in our heavy uniforms, when the
realization that she wasnt there dawned on me, it felt like someone had taken a bucket full of ice cold
water and drenched me in it. Then, after my body nearly convulsed from its frozen state, another
bucket dumped on me, never stopping, turning my heart into a frozen piece of ice that couldnt pump
and refused to beat. I didnt think my heart would ever completely thaw, but Id have to try. Id try
like hell to never let anyone know how ruined I felt knowing Briar would no longer be a part of my
life. But the scars she left inside of me would forever exist, not for anyone else to see, but for me to
feel.
I smiled and chatted happily with my parents and Lacey. She couldnt keep her hands off of me
and I welcomed it, prayed the warmth of her body would defrost mine. My eyes stayed trained on the
people surrounding me, and I halted my thoughts when theyd start to waver to Briar. I didnt need to
think of her anymore. I shouldnt think of her anymore.
I had a ten day leave after boot camp before I reported to the School of Infantry, or as we call it,
SOI. I wasnt going back to Greenville for those ten days because now it seemed like a complete waste
of my time. Instead, Lacey agreed to stay with me until I had to head out.
Those ten days went by quickly, and I found that I liked Lacey. I liked her a lot. The friendship
we had back in middle school sprang back easily. Wed never been best friends, but we were
compatible. She wasnt invasive with her questions, she never asked me about my past and who Id
been with. She was beautiful, and she wanted to be with me. I had never considered the idea that Lacey
was the person I should be serious with, that Lacey was the person I could have a relationship with,
that Lacey was the person who would be able to handle everything that comes with dating a Marine. It
wouldnt be an easy thing to do. Id heard the horror stories: wives, girlfriends, fiances cheating on
us while we were off completing SOI and then MOS (military occupational school). It only gets worse
when were actually deployed. It was a fact that most relationships would struggle and majority
wouldnt work out. But Lacey seemed ecstatic to be dating a man in uniform, and always made
comments about how sexy she thought I looked and how shed make the time we had together really
count.
When I left for SOI, Lacey and I decided we wanted to make this an official and exclusive
relationship. She was my girlfriend. She saw me off, kissed me like she was going to jump my bones
in front of everyone, and then left.
I considered calling Briar. I wanted to. I kept thinking about the night we had in the hotel room
the night before I left. The image of her in her underwear was going to be a difficult picture to burn
from my brain. The softness of her skin would forever be embedded in my memory, the way she
trembled under my touch when I nearly kissed her, the feel of holding her all night long. Well, it all
seemed like a distant dream, things that never actually happened. Because if the feelings I felt that
night, if the energy I was picking up from her was all real, then why did she stop writing me? Why
didnt she come to my graduation? Why did she choose to leave my life?
I changed a lot in my nine weeks at the SOI. I was learning to live without Briar. I wouldnt say it
was easy. It would never be easy, but I was growing strong physically and psychologically. I learned
how to recognize when my emotions ruled my logic, and I didnt allow it to happen. It took practice. I
screwed up some nights, and my thoughts would inevitably veer into dangerous territory. But it was
getting simpler.
My relationship with Lacey grew stronger despite the distance. She wrote, I called her whenever I
was allotted the time, and sometimes we were even able to video chat. The time sped by faster than
boot camp. Before long I was headed to MOS to train for my specific occupation.
MOS was a lot like what I assumed college would be like. There were classes I had to attend and
pass in order to graduate. Depending on your specialty, it could take anywhere from three weeks to a
full year to finish the courses. Mine would take ten weeks. We had days off; any government-
recognized holidays, and we could have visitors too.
Hey baby, Lacey said excitedly. I cant wait to see you tomorrow. I held the phone between
my shoulder and ear.
Me too. Ill be at the airport early, just in case your plane arrives before expected.
Will we have any alone time? Her voice grew lower.
I grinned. I think I can make that happen.
You better. Im coming prepared, she teased.
I adjusted my pants. What exactly does that entail? Looking around me, I made sure no one
could hear our conversation. The guys would give me hell, and often times did, when they heard Lacey
croon about how much she loved me and me hurriedly answer that I felt the same way.
We were at the point where we would either love one another or we wouldnt. I wholeheartedly
believed that youd know if you have a future with someone within the first couple months of dating
them. If you dont see anything past the present with them, if you cant imagine it growing more
serious, then by that second month, you need to let that person go before one persons feelings grow
stronger while the others stay in limbo, never changing, never becoming more. Now that Id
eventually learned that Briars and my future didnt exist, I was able to look past what I thought my
life had coming and instead see what I could have. I could have a life with Lacey, and it would be a
good one.
I intended to make that life with Lacey happen soon. Her upcoming visit wasnt the first time she
came out to see me. Shed done it more than once, and I knew it wouldnt be the last. She wanted this
to work, so she made it happen.
Arrow blocked me from being able to view any of his online profiles a few days after the horrible
graduation incident. As far as I knew he had no idea I ever arrived, unless Lacey told him, which I
doubted. But he didnt seem to care whether or not I had been there either. He didnt call me; I didnt
call him.
After I got home, I put all my energy into building a strong partnership with my boyfriend
Killian. After another month of us steadily dating, without him pushing for a progression in our
relationship, I brought up the elephant in the room.
Im ready, Killian, I said out of nowhere one evening in his apartment. We were watching a
sports game on television, but really neither of us cared about the teams involved. We just wanted to
spend time together and with nothing else to do, we always ended up intertwined on his bed, acting
like we actually cared about what was on the television. I knew he was thinking about things between
the two us because thats what was constantly on my mind, especially when he was next to me,
pressing against my skin.
Ready for what? He turned his gaze away from the game, giving me his full attention.
I lifted my right hand and cupped his left cheek. Slowly, I moved forward and pressed my lips
softly to his. I pulled back enough to catch his eyes with mine, then pressed my mouth to his again and
bit softly at his lower lip, hoping he would understand where I was going. Still, he didnt take control.
He most likely didnt want to push his luck, so I took the reins and moved things further. My hand slid
from his cheek, down his throat and his chest, until I was at the bottom of his shirt. I skimmed my
hand under the cloth, skin on skin. His body was hot, but mine was on fire. My fingers trembled from
nerves even though I knew that I wanted this with him. Hed been good to me in a way no one else had
ever been. He was my rock, the person who held me up when I felt like my world was falling apart. I
was beginning to love him. When my hand moved south and pressed on the hardness in his jeans, he
let out a moan but grabbed my hand, keeping it from doing more.
Briar he chastised, his eyes growing serious even with the dark, needy pupils taking over his
irises. You dont need to do this to keep me here. Im here, alright? I dont plan on going anywhere.
I knew he was being honest with me. He didnt care if I made him wait a year until I allowed us
to take the next step, and that was just another reason on the ever-growing list of why Killian was the
right guy for me.
I want this. My voice became a low, seductive whisper. His grip on my hand loosened.
He wanted to believe me. The conflict was taking place in that mind of his, I could see the cogs
turning as he tried to decide whether or not I was being sincere, or if he needed to put a halt on the
situation.
Killian. I moved my hand to his shirt and started yanking it up, intending to undress him. He
reached behind his head, grabbed the neck of his tee, and pulled it over and off.
The change in his gaze happened rapidly. His blue eyes became a glazed ocean; his face grew
serious with desire. I gulped when his hands pulled my shirt over my head and then moved to the clasp
at the back of my bra.
Last chance, Briar. Chills broke out down my spine from his thumb grazing the skin underneath
my bra strap.
I reached behind me, and as an answer to his question, I unhooked my own bra and slid the straps
down my arms, making my entire top bare before his eyes.
His breathing grew deeper, his hot breath touching my lips as he moved over me, pressing my
back into the comforter. He rose above me, looking deeply into my eyes.
At the risk of sounding cheesy he said hovering over me. I think Im in love with you, Briar
Paige Kelly.
I smiled up at him, reveling in the joy those few words brought to me. I think I love you too.
He made love to me slowly that night, taking his time and getting to know the details of my body.
I moved in with Killian a few months after we made love for the first time. After that night we
didnt want to be away from one another. I was over at his place more often than I was at my parents,
and eventually I was staying multiple nights in a row. One day, he asked me to move in. He discussed
it with his roommate, Robby, and he agreed. As long as I pitched in with the food and water bill, he
was fine with it. I broke the news to my parents as kindly as I could. They werent happy about it.
Though they did love Killian, they didnt love the idea of my focus deterring away from college.
But it wouldnt. I was going to school for education and would become a teacher within the next
few years. I even signed up for summer classes so that I could graduate early.
Killian was doing the same thing, taking summer classes. But he wasnt an education major. He
was majoring in marketing. He already had a paid internship during the school year too.
Darcy went off to Virginia for college, but we still stayed in contact. There were a few times that
I visited her. She was the reason I still knew what was going on in Arrows life.
Shed call or text me with lots of exclamation marks when she saw something big and important
that happened. She knew that Arrow and I no longer talked, but I never told her the entire story, just
that we drifted apart.
It was through one of those phone calls from Darcy that I learned two major life changes
happening with Arrow.
Oh. My. God. Briar! Darcy yelled into the phone as soon as I picked up.
I rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm. What happened now? Please tell me you didnt actually take
that professor up on his offer. I thought we talked about this?
She scoffed. Of course I didnt! This is much much crazier, way bigger news!
Okay, Ill bite. What happened? Killian was shaking his head next to me. He thought Darcy
was a bit on the outrageous side; he couldnt quite put together how she and I were such good friends.
Secretly, I think he enjoyed her wackiness.
Guess whos getting married?
You didnt? You didnt somehow pull a Katy Perry and end up in Las Vegas with a ring on your
finger next to a guy you had one passionate night with, did you? I laughed, but honestly, I was a little
nervous that she would go off and get married or have a kid with some random shmuck who showered
her with attention.
No, no! Arrow.
Arrow, what? I said confused and switching hands, putting the phone against my left ear.
Arrows getting married! she screamed loud enough that Killian heard her words.
I could hear the blood pumping in my ears; I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins. I
squeezed the phone in my hand.
Hello? Briar, Arrow is getting married!
To whom? I whispered the words. Killians stare was burning into the side of my face. I kept
my gaze in my lap and refused to look up. I had to get a hold of my overwhelming feelings. I couldnt
complete any exact thought; my brain was scattered.
Lacey Ratcliff.
Moving my empty hand up to my throat, wrapping the fingers around my neck, I felt the beating
of my heart against my skin. I was going to pass out.
Taking deep breaths in and out, I calmed down eventually as I listened to her babble on and on
about how expensive the ring looked. blah blah blah. It all went through one ear and out the other until
she said, They are getting married tomorrow! Can you believe it? Just going off to the local
courthouse and tying the knot without any of their family. The phone went silent. Maybe shes
pregnant
Pregnant? The words fumbled from my lips. My eyes widened as my stomach went sour.
Well why else would they get married so soon after getting engaged? I guess it could be because
Arrows being deployed, she said the last sentence like it wasnt important, like it was the least of her
worries when there was a possible pregnancy and a wedding happening tomorrow. But not me. That
second part made my blood run cold.
Deployed? I covered my mouth with the back of my hand. Where?
Afghanistan, I think.
You think or you know? Where is he going, Darcy? My voice took on a deathly, serious tone.
Sheesh, calm down. Let me pull it up on my phone, and Ill tell you.
I could hear the pressing of buttons as she loaded up the Internet.
Yeah, its Afghanistan, she answered.
Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over onto my cheeks, sliding down my hot skin and
landing on my bare legs folded on the couch.
Killian scooted over, wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and then pulled me into his chest. He
rubbed my arm up and down in a soothing manner.
When does he leave? I wiped the water from my cheeks.
His status update says he leaves in a week.
We hung up after she went on about her theories on the upcoming nuptials, but I didnt take part
in the conversation except for a couple of uh huhs and yeahs. When I hit end on my cell, I stood
up on shaking legs, smiled painfully at Killian, and walked into the bathroom.
I turned on the shower, blocking out the sound of my phone call.
I scrolled through my contacts, finding Arrows name quickly since he was one out of three A
names listed. Struggling with actually calling him, I kept putting the phone down on the sink and
glaring at it. But, I had to do it If Arrow was going off to war, I had to hear his voice. Even if he told
me get lost and never call his number again, itd be worth it.
I sat down on the closed lid of the toilet and picked up my phone from where it rested next to me.
I pressed his name, and put the phone to my ear. My limbs were trembling in anticipation and
uneasiness.
Sorry, the number that you have dialed is unavailable, A robotic voice said.
I didnt cry or scream. I didnt feel anything. The fact was, Arrow had gotten rid of his old
number without telling me. There was no way of contacting him, which it seemed was exactly what he
wanted. I stripped off my clothes, stepped into the steaming shower, and slid down until I was sitting
underneath the spray of the showerhead. The water from the shower acted as the tears I wouldnt allow
myself to cry. I put the stopper into the shower drain and turned the water as hot as it could go. I
soaked in the painfully hot pricks of water that hit me over and over again in the back, stabbing me,
letting the pain I felt inside show on my skin.
My first tour in Afghanistan was supposed to be twelve months, but it turned into fourteen. It was
rough being in a country so different from my own. It took weeks to receive mail from the states, and
we were constantly busy. Unimaginable things occurred right before my eyes - things that I wanted to
stop, but I was ordered to stand down. It wasnt in my nature to view actions that were morally wrong
and not do anything to keep it from happening. Yet it had been ingrained into my very being, as a
Marine, to obey my orders. It wasnt always an easy feat, but my exploits couldve potentially brought
harm to my brothers surrounding me. That was out of the question. Still, those fourteen months went
by and soon I was leaving the sizzling, sandy landscape.
I came home to my wife, Lacey. We were stationed in California, where the sun was always
shining, where any given city has a dozen different ethnicities. People were unique and bold in
personality and willing to let their talents shine in unconventional ways.
When I got home, it took time to adjust to the life of a civilian. Sure, I was still a Marine, but I
was on my soil. My soil never looked so damn good as when I first stepped off that plane. The first
thing I did was to take my wife home and love her all night long. The second thing, I went out and got
my first tattoo. Being a Marine was more than an occupation; its who I was. I had Semper Fi, tatted
on my left forearm, which was Latin for Always Faithful or Always Loyal. The script was large,
bolded, and masculine, and would serve as reminder every day for the rest of my life of my duty to
this beautiful country. I was certainly not the first soldier to get this tattoo, and I wouldnt be the last.
But it held meaning to each of us.
What does that even mean? Lacey asked when I showed her the writing.
I tried, really tried, to not look at her like she grew a second head. She was my wife, and she had
never heard of Semper Fi? I explained it as kindly as I could, but my patience had already been
running thin from her lack of general knowledge.
Maybe you should get my name right here, Lacey said later that night as we lied naked in bed.
She traced the indent underneath my left pectoral.
Not happening. I placed my hand on top of hers and moved her hand away from my heart.
Her eyebrows drew together. Why not? Im your wife.
I closed my eyes and inhaled a mixture of sex and her expensive shampoo. Im not getting
anybodys name tattooed on my body.
Why? You dont think youll always love me? She pushed up on her elbows and fixated on my
face.
I didnt say that. I sighed. Havent you ever heard that if you put your wifes name on you,
shell end up leaving you? Its bad luck, I conceded. That wasnt my real reason. I just had no desire
to put Laceys name on my skin. She meant a lot to me; she stuck around, she put in the effort, and she
sent me care packages. She was a good woman.
Its bad luck? She lay back down. I still think you should think about it. I could get your name
on my ring finger or something.
Without giving her an answer, I turned around, my back facing her, turned off the light, pulled up
the blanket, and pretended to fall asleep. Her breathing became deep about five minutes later. I looked
over my shoulder, saw that she was completely knocked out, so I let out a sigh and allowed my body
to finally relax.
Two years later, my life took another turn. I was going on my second tour of Afghanistan. I was
told it would be eleven to twelve months. It was harder to leave Lacey and my life in California than it
had been for my first deployment. See, for my first tour, I was leaving my new wife, which sucked,
but we hadnt really had the time to grow close. I was still getting over a missing person in my life,
and I didnt know what I was walking into after landing in that sauna of a country.
This time I knew exactly what I was missing out on. Lacey and I had found a comfortable life
together. We made friends in our neighborhood and often had small parties that she and the other
wives would plan. We had our arguments, but those were expected. The nightmares from my first tour
were finally fading into the background of my mind. I shouldve known that when life was getting
easy and relaxed that the universe was just preparing to throw me in another direction.
Lacey cried when she was seeing me off. All the wives, girlfriends, and significant others were a
mess.
Ill miss you so much, baby, she said against my lips.
Time will fly by, I said trying to stop her tears.
She shook her head and then laid her chin on my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me. I pulled
her even closer. I wouldnt cheat on my wife, but being away and not having her to fall into bed with
at night was not easy.
Weve done this before; we can do it again. She nodded, agreeing with my words.
I felt her eyes on me every step I took away from her, but I didnt look back. I just kept marching
forward, wondering what these next months had in store for me. I didnt know that by walking on to
that plane, I was striding towards my new, horrifying nightmares. I didnt know that as I walked into
the belly of the beast, I wasnt going to make it out unscathed.
Ive been calling you all day! Darcys voice was shrill in my ear.
I told you yesterday that Killian was taking me out for our anniversary tonight. You know, one
year of being married is kind of a big deal! Ive been shopping all day for the perfect dress, and I
found this unbelievable deal at
Stop. Just stop. I knew right then that something was incredibly wrong. Darcys voice broke
and began trembling.
Darcy, what happened? I said slowly.
All that I could hear was the sniffle of her nose and the clearing of her throat as she tried to work
the words out. My own hands began to tremble. I didnt know what happened, but the fact that Darcy
was crying was a sign itself. She didnt cry often and, when she did you knew it was serious. I was in
the middle of curling my hair, my dress already on, my make up completely finished, but hearing how
wretched Darcy sounded, I sat down on the floor in front of the sink, bracing for the news.
Its Arrow.
No. No. No. I struggled to breathe, the air leaving my body sounding wheezy and thick. Please,
God, please dont let him be dead. My entire body quaked, the phone quivered in my hand as I forced
the cell to stay on my ear so I could find out everything.
Darcy My voice betrayed me, begging her to tell me this was some sick joke.
He might not make it, Briar. Squeezing my eyes closed, I dropped the phone to the floor, my
hands turned into fists.
No, I said to myself. No. I repeated, slamming my fists onto the tiles of the bathroom floor.
NO! I couldnt stop; my anger, my fright, my horror at the idea of Arrow not existing in this world
any more was too heavy on my shoulders. It was too much. I beat my hands continually until they
were turning shades of red and purple. I drew those same fists to my stomach and applied pressure to
what felt like a gaping hole.
Thats how Killian found me when he came home. I was still pressing my hands into my belly as
I rocked back and forth. Tears must have been falling, but I couldnt feel them. He reached for me, and
I lost it, shoving his arms away from me and screaming at the top of my lungs.
Dont touch me! I shouted as loudly as I could.
Briar, sweetheart, Darcy called me. Come here. With pity etched on his face he kneeled down
and tried to pull me into his arms.
I stood up and slapped his hands. I said dont touch me! I ran my hands through my hair and
yanked the base near the roots as hard as I could, trying to feel anything. Nothing would cut through
the mire of desperation.
Killian held his hands up, showing me he wasnt going to touch me, and he stepped closer.
Darcy is on her way here. She was trying to get through to you, but all she could here was this
constant pounding sound and mumbling. Shes worried.
Where is she? I asked and ran out to the living room. I need Darcy. I was beginning to panic.
Darcy, I said.
Shes not here yet. Honey, sit down. Let me get you some water.
I dont want any fucking water, Killian! Digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands
and turning to face him, I said, Arrow is going to die, and you want to get me some water?
Darcy entered the room while Killian and I stood, staring at one another. I couldnt think about
his hurt feelings; I couldnt think about anything.
Briar. Briar? Darcy pulled me into her arms, holding me as strongly as she could.
He cant die, I whispered. I wasnt talking to anyone in particular; I think I was mostly telling
God, pleading for him to not take Arrow away.
I know. I know. Darcy started talking to Killian over my shoulder. Im going to take her with
me for a little while, okay?
She kept an arm around me as she guided me to her car. The engine fired up, and she started
driving. She pulled over in an empty parks parking lot.
Do you want to hear what I know? I think I nodded. He was on his second tour in Afghanistan.
You remember me telling you he was there, right?
Yeah, I thought his tour was almost over though, I said quietly.
She frowned. He had three days left before coming home. He was almost home free. She shook
her head in disbelief. He was shot in the thigh and in his chest. Lacey was the one that shared all of
this information online, but she said hed already been seriously wounded. She wasnt sure about all
the details. Not even his wife knows what the hell happened. She shrugged her shoulders and took my
hands in hers. Hes in critical condition and in a coma. They dont know if the wounds will heal, let
alone his brain.
Where is he? I asked.
They couldnt risk flying him to the U.S.. Hes still over there, Briar.
What are his chances to make it through this?
I dont know. I think theyre just doing the best they can right now. Im sure Lacey will keep us
all updated. She flipped my hand around and stared at the swollen skin. What did you do? Worry
lines pulled down the sides of her mouth.
Its fine. I took my hands and tucked them under my thighs. They were stinging and tender, but
I couldnt bring myself to care.
Briar, look at me, Darcy commanded gently. I moved my eyes to her blue ones. Ive known
for a long time, okay?
Known what? I leaned my head against the window, keeping my stare on hers.
Your feelings for Arrow. I worked to keep my face bare of my thoughts. She gave me one of
those sad smiles which hurt worse than pity. I saw the way you and Arrow were together when I was
dating him. I tried to tell myself you two were only friends and that I was just being a jealous
girlfriend, but when he and I broke up, it was like this fogged up glass in front of me began to clear. I
could see what had been in front of me for all those years. You two loved each other, and I was the one
who got in the way. She broke eye contact, looking anywhere but at me. I dont know what happened
between you two. I dont know why you both suddenly stopped talking to one another. But there was a
change in you when you came back from his boot camp graduation. You still loved him; that was still
there. It was less obvious, but I learned what that looked like on you. Ive tried to keep you in the loop
with what I find out online because despite all these years, Ive always thought those feelings were
still there. Now I know you still love him.
I blinked rapidly, unable to believe how much she noticed, how much she knew. Ill always care
about him. I cleared my throat. He was my best friend for years. But even if I did love him once, its
been years since Ive even spoken a word to him. I couldnt still love someone who I dont even know
anymore.
I dont think there are any set rules about how love works, Briar.
I love Killian. I turned away from her and sat facing forward, suddenly ready to go home.
I know you do, so why dont I take you back home? This probably isnt the way he imagined
spending your first anniversary together. She put the car in drive. We were both alone in our own
thoughts as she drove away from the park.
Darcy figured out that Id been in love with her boyfriend. I wanted to explain that I never made
any moves on him; I never crossed that line when they were together. I wouldve never done that to
her. But another part of me wanted to scream at her for knowing my true feelings and dating him all
those years. I locked it all down, just like Id done all this time, because letting the truth out wouldnt
help anyone. None of it mattered anyway. None of it mattered when Arrow was lying in a hospital bed
in critical condition in another country, and he would die without me ever hearing his voice or seeing
his face again. Id never touch his skin or smell the earthy tobacco on his clothes. Part of me thought I
was over Arrow. Most of the time I tried to pretend he didnt exist unless Darcy came to me with more
information. However, hearing this news only brought those feelings I had tried to bury deep down
back to the surface. I didnt want to love Arrow because loving Arrow and losing him in this way
would break me.
Noises surrounded me. I couldnt see what was causing any of them because my eyes were closed
tight and refused to open even when I demanded them. Constant beeps and pumping noises filled the
otherwise quiet room. My entire body felt like it had been ran over by a freight train. There couldve
been stones lying on top of me, holding each of my limbs down because not a finger would move.
There was burning pain, like a flame was lit inside of me and charred a large hole in both my chest
and in my leg. I wanted to open my mouth and scream for help, to demand someone to douse me with
ice water. This was torture. It had to be torture. I was going to die without knowing who was doing the
killing.
Darkness called to me, and I welcomed it. I fell into the abyss where silence settled over the
room and my limbs became numb from the agonizing pain. I only had one regret in this life, but I
didnt have time to process that thought before all thoughts became scattered stars in the sky of my
consciousness.
I blinked 5,6,7 times before I could open my eyes enough to see a bright light above me. It was
painful, like looking up at the sun after youve been in a dark room for days. I tried to lift my hands to
cover the intensity of the light beams, but when I lifted my hand, I noticed it had an IV attached to it.
Youre awake, A male voice said next to me. I recognized it as my buddy, JJ. I turned towards
his voice. He stood up and walked to the side of the bed. We werent sure youd ever come back from
that shit.
What? I croaked out. My voice was scratchy and barely audibly.
Water? JJ grabbed a cup from the small table by my bed and went over to the faucet. Here you
go. He put a straw in it and held it to my mouth. I cant believe Im feeding you, he teased.
I tried to laugh, but it turned into a small, painful cough which made me feel like I was being
stabbed in the chest. What happened? My voice still sounded gravelly.
You dont remember anything? He looked at me, waiting for an answer.
My eyebrows drew together, tensing my forehead. I couldve really used some strong painkillers;
whatever they were giving me wasnt enough to match the jackhammer going nuts against my skull. I
thought back as far as I could go
My stomach twisted and my mouth went sour. Trashcan, I mumbled quickly. JJ grabbed the
can in record time and held it to the side of the bed. Twisting at the neck, I threw up the water I had
just drank and then dry heaved; there was nothing to come up because I hadnt eaten. If I thought
trying to laugh felt like being stabbed, then getting sick felt like going through major surgery without
anesthesia. I was going to black out from the pain, and I wanted to. I wanted that black, dark place to
suck me away from the excruciating pain from the wounds and the memories.
Yeah. I remembered everything. Everything.
I had to stay in that hospital for a few weeks longer after I woke up before being discharged and
allowed to return back home to the states. There were a lot of questions that needed to be answered,
and I was one of the few people who had the answers. For two days straight I went over every minute
detail from my memories. Eventually, I learned to detach myself as I told the story more than once. It
was a defensive mechanism that I needed to keep my shit together. The recollections were too much:
too horrifying, too traumatic. When everyone left my room, when I was told to get some rest, I laid
there in fear that when I closed my eyes I was going to relive those nightmares that had been my
reality.
When it was time to go home, I was anxious, nervous to go back to a normal life because I didnt
feel normal anymore. I felt scarred and tormented. The Marine Corps was pushing me to seek out a
therapist; I didnt want to. Id never been to any sort of counselor, but I knew enough to know that
theyd want to talk about what happened. That was not going to happen. Id spoken the story out loud
enough, and now I wanted to bury it in my past and try to move on.
I was pushed on a wheelchair off the plane. I could walk, but it was slow and still hurt like a
mother The first thing I saw was Laceys platinum hair. Then I noticed her tight jeans and shirt
barely covering her chest. She wasnt a shy girl, and a couple of years ago the way she dressed turned
me on. Now I wanted to wrap a jacket around her and tell her to go put some clothes on. She was
letting every male within seeing distance see exactly what was hidden underneath that barely existing
cloth. I felt like a dick because my first thought when I saw Lacey was a negative one, but seriously.
She was bent over, chatting it up with another soldier. She smiled and laughed hysterically. The guy
looked at her like he already knew she was going home with him.
She glanced in my direction, her eyes widening. Baby! She squealed and ran towards me. When
she got to the chair, she bent down, her ass pushed out for the entire world to see, and kissed all over
my face. I still had cuts and scrapes healing, and she wasnt being gentle. Ive been so worried! She
said in a baby voice that made me want to rip my ears off my head. Had she always talked like that? I
needed a beer.
Lets go home, I said as she continued to touch my entire body.
All right. She looked at the guy pushing my chair. I can take it from here, she said in a sultry
voice. Was it in my head, or was she being flirtatious with every single male in the room? See ya,
Travis! she called out to the guy shed been talking with when I arrived. He smiled and gave her a
wave.
I hit rock bottom that year. I refused to see the therapist recommended to me. I self-medicated
with marijuana and even found myself willing to try whatever was offered to me.
Most of the time, I didnt even bother coming home to Lacey. If I cheated on her, I couldnt
remember. I didnt think that was something I would do, but you never know what youre capable of
when soaring in the clouds, unaware of whats reality and whats a figment of your imagination.
We fought when I did come home. She demanded to know where Id been and where all of our
money went, and Id demanded to know whose dick she sucked off for the new diamond earrings
resting on her lobes.
It wasnt until I nearly lost my life over a year later that I finally realized I was going to kill
myself if I kept going down this dangerous path.
It was a summer evening. I was over at a friends house that always had the paraphernalia. Wed
been drinking all day, and by the night we were doing acid. Id done it a couple times, so I thought I
could up the amount. I didnt take into account the fact that I was also popping pills.
I wandered out into Danes backyard. It was huge, and once you passed his backyard, you entered
into a small forested area. I reached that tree line and fell to my knees, throwing up non-stop. I broke
out in chills all across my body and started sweating from each pore. Eventually, not even my knees
could hold me up any longer, and I fell forward, landing face first on the ground. I continued retching,
but couldnt even move my head away from the barf that my head rested on. My heart was beating too
fast for my chest, and I wondered when my heart was going to give up and just stop.
The night turned chilly as I passed out. No one came looking for me, no one questioned if I lay
dead just a few feet from where they still partied inside. They didnt care because they were getting
their high.
I awoke face first in my vomit; I nearly drowned in my own sickness. My skin felt like frozen
leather. My mouth was dry and scratchy like Id gone at it with sand paper, and my body was as heavy
as an entire gyms worth of weights. It took an unbelievable amount of effort to push myself up from
the ground, but eventually I did. I sat there, completely disoriented, unaware of my surroundings or
how I ended up on the frosty grass. My head hung low, my vomit-encrusted chin nearly touching my
chest, and I knew this was the lowest point in my life. If I didnt start digging myself out of the six
foot grave I dug myself, I was going to be buried alive. I wouldnt realize it until my casket was
closed and hidden under the hardened ground.
As I sat there, it really sunk in that these people Id spent the better part of a year with werent
my real friends. If they knew I was missing from the house, not one of them came searching for me.
Even worse - my wife had no clue where I was and gave up trying to find out a long time ago. I knew
that it was up to me to pick myself up, backtrack, and learn to live my life again. I knew Lacey
wouldnt get her knees dirty to try and dig her way to my nearly closed casket. Maybe I was asking too
much of her. I wanted her to do everything in her power to help me at my lowest point. It wasnt fair
for me to hold that against her, but I did.
I came to a conclusion that day. It wouldnt be easy, but it was the right thing to do. I was
heading back to Greenville, North Carolina. I was heading home. It was time for me to find myself
again.
I recently moved into my own apartment. My and Killians divorce was finalized nearly six
months ago, but it still took time for us both to pack up our stuff. Yes, I was twenty-five years old and
already divorced. Then came the never-ending search for an apartment I could afford with my
teaching salary and one which was still safe and comfortable to live in.
Killian was okay with me living in the house we shared during our marriage until I found a place
of my own. Our separation wasnt mean or cruel. We didnt say hurtful things to each other. The break
up was amicable, which made the fact that we werent together anymore even harder. Killian was a
good man, a fantastic husband, and the kind of human being who would give you the shirt off his back
if you needed it. I didnt deserve the kind of love he gave me, especially since I never truly gave him
my one hundred percent. I was still shocked, in utter disbelief, when he said he wanted a divorce. His
reasoning made sense, but I never thought the fact that I wasnt ready for kids would be the load that
broke the camels back. Still, I couldnt argue with him. He wanted children as soon as we were
married, and I didnt see myself being prepared for that step for a long, long time. Who was I to stop
him from finding that with someone else? Other women could make him a father and would be happy
to do that; I was just holding him back from discovering that girl for himself.
The night of the divorce was a rough one for the both of us. It was our last night in the same
house, the same bed together. It was the last night wed ever make love. We took our time, showing
each other the words we were too afraid to say. I felt the brokenness in each tender caress of his hands;
I felt his hopelessness in each touch of his lips to my skin. I tried to show him remorse in not being
what he needed me to be. When I looked into his eyes, I wanted him to see how grateful I was for the
love he gave to me.
I couldnt afford the house we shared, and Killian felt it was too big for one person to reside. He
left the next day, but still came to visit on a regular basis to pack more of his things and to make sure I
was okay.
Now that I finally had my own place, I could breathe. I looked around this new apartment and
didnt see memories of a time Id never get back; I saw a new, blank canvas ready for me to start
splashing it with color.
My life was coming together in a way I never imagined. I worked at the local school as a
kindergarten teacher. I loved spending five days a week with forty quirky children, but I also loved
handing them over to their parents at the end of the day. Darcy moved back to Greenville after
graduating in Virginia and being unable to find a full time job. She now lived with two other girls who
went to our high school; they shared a three-bedroom house. Having her back in my life on a regular
basis made me smile more often and frown a bit less. God answered my prayers; a little over a year
ago Arrow had been in critical condition. I learned a couple weeks after the horrible news that he woke
up from his coma and was expected to make a full recovery. Darcy told me that he was back with his
wife in California, but I hadnt heard much about him since that news. I didnt need more news than
that. He was alive; thats all I needed to know.
I was relaxing on the new, cocoa-colored couch I purchased with my latest check. It was fluffy,
comfortable and mine. My phone went off.
Hey, Darcy. I laid my head back against the cushioned arm.
You remember Miller from high school? she asked me. No hellos or how ya doins.
Duh, I see him nearly every week at Beans and Reads. It was the local coffee shop. Miller was
a coffee addict after my own heart. We often ran into one another on our early morning runs for a
caffeine pick-me-up.
Hes having a New Years Eve party tonight. Her voice rose with excitement.
Oh, thats nice, I said nonchalantly.
Go with me! Please? Everyone is going to be there. We can wear those new dresses we bought a
couple months ago. Theyre perfect.
Dont you think its a little too chilly for those dresses? I bit down on my lower lip and looked
towards the hallway, picturing the thin material of the little black number Id purchased on a whim.
So youll go? she questioned animatedly.
I guess. I dont have any other plans. I was just going to stay at home and read, I admitted.
I could practically hear the rolling of her eyes. Youre twenty-five not fifty-five. Get your ass
off that cozy couch, shave those damn legs, and get ready girl! Ill be over in a couple hours!
I shaved yesterday, I whined.
I dont care. Shave again. That dress shows off the majority of your legs, so you need to be
smooth. She laughed. Were going to be like the hot twins.
Darcy had this weird obsession with us buying the same clothes. She forced it on me, I swear. I
put my foot down when she wanted us both to have the same exact color of everything too. Instead,
she ended up with the blue version of the same dress. Why she wanted us to go to the same party
wearing the same dress was beyond me. We didnt even have the same type of body. Where she was
tall, thin and willowy, I was short and curvy. I lost weight the past few years and was closer to her in
weight than Id ever been, but still, my boobs were bigger and my hips were much wider than hers.
Any dress that was short on her was even shorter on me because my butt liked to absorb most of the
cloth.
Yeah, I always get to be the uglier twin, I mumbled into the phone.
Are you kidding me? Are we having a woe is me party of one at your house right now? she
chastised. Do you need someone to fluff your self-esteem today? Okay, fine, thats what best friends
are for. So you better be listening close because I mean every word. But Im not going to repeat it. I
didnt respond. Are you listening? she asked.
Yes.
Youre a beautiful woman, Briar. Youve got the curves of some Greek goddess; Persyly
Persondee
Its Persephone, I corrected, struggling to not giggle.
Yeah, that one. Your new, dark hair makes you look all dark and dramatic. Its hot. If I were
even remotely interested in women, your door would be the first one Id be knocking on. So now that
Ive done my duty as best friend and made you feel all babeilicious, can you knock it off and go get
ready?
See? Shes the best. I cracked a smile and stood from the couch and started walking to my
bedroom to grab the dress from the closet.
Love you, Darcy. Im going to jump in the shower.
Love you too. Even when youre a pain in my
Shut up. Ill see you in a few. I put the phone on my nightstand and went to get ready.
Three hours later we were at Millers house. It was large; he worked right outside of town in a
neighboring city as an accountant. If his home was any indication, business was going well. It was two
stories tall and sat on enough land that the closest house was at least a football field away. Having a
party here would be perfect because neighbors couldnt complain about sound; they wouldnt be able
to hear any.
The party took place in the finished basement. The floors were a dark, chocolate wood; the walls
were plain white but covered in movie posters like Scar Face and The Godfather. There was a pool
table in a connecting room where people took turns playing the winner. Beer pong was set on another
longer table. Beer sloshed over cups that were too full when the ball landed. There were a lot of faces I
recognized from our years together in high school, some of which I hadnt seen in years. Other people
werent from around here. Or if they were, I never met them.
Darcy talked up a storm with a few people we knew and hadnt seen in what felt like a decade. I
tried to keep up with the conversation, but the back of my neck felt tingly and sticky with sweat. I kept
getting a weird feeling that someone was watching me. I know everyone has experienced that paranoia
at some point in their lives, but it was driving me insane. I looked over my shoulder every few
minutes, searching the room for any odd behavior. I did this for thirty minutes. I sipped from my red
solo cup, spoke with Darcy, and danced a little until I couldnt stand the strange atmosphere anymore.
I turned around, ready to head outside for some fresh air, hoping it would clear my head. I stepped
towards the doors that lead outside; it was one of those walkout basements that could lead you out to
the backyard.
But when I opened the door, I heard a deep, rumble of a voice, a voice that both haunted my
dreams but starred in them as well. I froze in place; my hand just sat there grasping the glass doors
handle, neither opening nor closing it. My back straightened, eyes widened.
Briar Kelly, the voice echoed in my ears.
I turned around slowly; searching for the one the voice belonged to.
Arrow, I whispered, barely able to get his name to leave my lips. My eyes slammed to his. The
hand that was at the door fell to my side, and my jaw went slack as I stared at an older, stronger
version of the only man who ever had the power to wreck me.
I stood like a peeping Tom, except I wasnt trying to catch a glimpse of a naked woman in her
privacy. I was trying to decide whether or not I was looking at the same girl I fell in love with all
those years ago. I only saw the back of her for the longest time. This girls hair was darker. Instead of
dark blonde, it was a deep brown. She was thinner in her waist, but flared out at her sides in a way that
left me dizzy. She wore a short black dress that fit tightly, and the back had a triangle cut out, leaving
a hefty amount of skin naked on her back. It was one of those sexy dresses that still managed to stay
classy. Her calves flexed from the tall heels pushing her feet into a tiptoe position.
I struggled to look away from her to play a game of pool, but when I matched the stick up with a
ball, Id catch sight of her hair moving when she rotated her weight from one foot and put it on the
other. Briar used to do that when she was nervous. I apologized to the guys I was playing the game
with and excused myself from the match and walked towards her, itching to see her face, needing to
know if it was really her.
She turned enough for me to see the side of her face and I saw it: the little point at the end of her
nose. I also saw the high cheekbones and jaw that worked as she grinded her teeth together. I stood
there for I dont know how long, just staring at her as she walked towards the door leading outside.
Afraid that she was going to leave, I yelled for her.
She stood motionless, facing away from me. Her body perked up when she heard my voice. Her
hand still rested on the door. I feared that shed ignore me and leave, not wanting to see me. But she
didnt leave. Her arms dropped to her sides, her shoulders rose as she took a deep breath, and then she
turned around.
I didnt call out her name again. I waited for her to find my face in the crowd of people. When
her eyes met mine, we both stayed stuck in our spots. She looked differently than the last time I saw
her. Her hair was darker, lighter than the brown of her eyes but darker than her natural blonde color.
The color of her hair, eyes and tanned skin made her look more exotic and less like the sweet girl from
high school.
The ache in my chest now wasnt from the blow I took through my right pectoral in Afghanistan,
it was the blow I took on the left side from the girl staring back at me from all those years before. I
deliberated on what to do next. Do I just walk up to her like our time apart never happened? Pull her
into a tight hug? Or do I need to take every movement at a slow pace? I wasnt used to questioning my
actions with her. In the past, I always seemed to know what to do around Briar; I knew how she would
react, what she needed from me. But, from our time a part, I couldnt help but wonder if she was just
as different on the inside as her outside appearance.
Her cherry lips formed my name, but the sound never left her throat. I wanted, no I needed, to
hear her voice. I took a step towards her and grinned when she didnt move away.
I was close enough that if I reached out with my hand, Id touch her. She looked up at my buzzed
hair, down to my lips, my chest. She studied every piece of me, and I let her. I didnt know what she
was thinking. I knew I changed; I was a different person than the boy she once called her best friend. I
was damaged both physically and mentally; I was bigger in size from working out every day,
sometimes multiple times a day.
She shook her head back and forth, her brows drawing together.
Youre in Greenville, she whispered. I barely heard her over the music.
Yeah, Ive been back for a few weeks now. I craved to reach up and touch the skin of her cheek,
then to run my fingers through her darker locks.
I dont understand. I didnt know you were here. She looked behind me. I twisted to see who
she was looking at. It was Darcy. Darcy, on the other hand, hadnt changed one bit. She stared at the
both us with a peculiar smile.
Would you, I cleared my throat when she looked into my eyes. Having her close, I could see
those familiar green flecks in her brown eyes. Would you want to go outside and talk with me?
Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink. I dont think that would be
I just want to talk to you, Briar. Her hair was long enough now that it fell a good five inches
past her shoulders. Not able to stop myself any longer, I grabbed the end of a piece of hair and twirled
it around my finger, looking at the darkness against my skin. Her breath halted; mine came out
quicker.
Why? I pondered, Why did you dye your hair? I hoped she wouldnt take offense to my
inquisition. She looked beautiful, but in all the time I knew her she never even put highlights in her
hair when all the other girls in our class did.
I have my reasons. I raised an eyebrow at her snarly tone. The way those four words hissed
from her lips told me she wasnt going to make this reunion between the two of us an easy one. I also
knew that if I didnt relax a little I was going to lose my cool.
I let go of her hair and asked again. Do you want to go talk or just stand here glaring at me all
night?
Fine, she muttered. But only because I feel like everyone is watching us. And if you have
something you need to say, I wish youd just get it over with. So come on, she turned toward the
doors.
I took a chance and put a hand to her lower back, my thumb grazing the skin that was bare from
the triangle cut-out. Her back tensed and chills broke out underneath my hand. I waited for her to snap
at me and demand for me to take away my hand. When she didnt, I lead her to the door and then
outside. The night was frigid, but Miller had a bonfire big enough to warm fifty people. Most people
were inside, which meant we had privacy. I walked us towards a bench made out of what was once an
extremely thick tree trunk.
This is weird isnt it? She sat down next to me, without touching.
What, the party? I knew exactly what she was talking about, but the only way to get her talking
was to ask her questions.
No, not the party. You know what I meant. She smiled up at me; it was a soft smile, one that
didnt reach her eyes. But it was still real. The fact that you are at this party. Between her snappy
remark inside and the confused, sad look on her face now, I didnt know what to except from the
conversation. Would she bite my head of? Or continue looking at me with bewildered eyes? Lowering
my eyes to the small hands resting in her lap, I noticed the lack of a ring on a very important finger.
Relief made my shoulders relax and a light exhale to release from my lungs.
The flames from the fire reflected in her eyes. The blazes lifted higher and higher then sizzled
back down. She continued staring off at the wood burning in front of us, while I didnt dare take my
gaze away from her.
So, Briar Kelly, fill me in on your life. I tried to play it cool, acting like we had an old
friendship that didnt end with her shattering me.
Its not Briar Kelly anymore, she said, causing my stomach to drop straight to the ground. Its
Briar Adams.
Adams? As in Killian Adams? I asked. I never imagined she would actually end up marrying
that guy.
Yup. She sighed and looked down, twisting her fingers in her lap. At least she still had the
same nervous habits.
Hows that going? She moved slightly to her right and then twisted so that she could face me
easily.
Why do you care? Her eyes looked black as tar in the dim lighting coming from the fire.
Im just trying to have a simple conversation with you, I said with irritation. I ran a hand over
my buzzed head, feeling the small pricks from the fresh cut. Maybe Briar was a different woman now.
This Briar seemed taut and ready for a fight with each word I said to her.
Maybe simple conversation isnt possible between us, Arrow. Did you even think of that?
Maybe I dont want to sit here and talk about my personal business with you. She covered her face,
hiding her eyes with the palms of her hands. She cursed into her fingers as her hands moved down to
cover her mouth.
Would you rather me jump to all of our bullshit? Or start with common questions about your
life like hows your damn husband? I nearly shouted the words.
Fine. God, fine. Are we really doing this? She looked at me, clearly hoping Id end our
exchange, but I had no plan of doing that. She huffed out air.
Our divorce was just finalized a few months ago. She blinked back a few tears, small frown
lines creased in her cheeks.
That I didnt expect. No wonder she didnt want to talk about her relationship with me. I felt like
a complete dick.
Im sorry, Briar. Thats rough. Want to talk about it?
Not really. She laughed humorlessly.
Come on, youve got to tell me something, I pushed. She used to tell me everything. Seeing her
broken up over the loss of her husband and the fire in her eyes towards me was doing a number on my
nerves. I hated the fact that I was so absent from her life that I, for one, never knew she even got
married and, two, didnt know she was going through a divorce.
The sadness in her eyes seeped out quicker than a flame would go out when doused with water.
She became livid in a blink of an eye.
I dont have to tell you anything, Arrow. We havent spoken in years. Years. She enunciated
that one word, twice. I winced, but before I could speak she continued, You dont have any right to
demand any sort of knowledge about my life. You gave up your right to know anything when you
dismissed me from your life.
Dismissed you? You dropped me like a bad fucking habit! My voice rose. Running a hand
down my face, letting out the worked up stress, I got a hold of my emotions for the most part. Its
a two way street. Yeah, I didnt call you; I didnt contact you. But where were you Briar? Where were
you instead of being at my graduation? What happened to writing me every day? All the questions I
wanted to know for years I laid out right in front of her.
This was a bad idea. She stood, fixing her dress, and started away from me.
Dont you think its about time we stop running away from each other? Dont you think its time
we got some answers? I rose and started towards her.
Its a little late for that, dont you think? Her hair bounced when she quirked her head to the
side.
You know, youre a pretty amazing sight to behold, I said my thoughts as they came to me.
That dark hair is something.
Her hand went to her hair and tucked the bangs behind her ear. She was trying to hide a shy smile
but I saw it. I saw it. She was beyond livid with me, but that little smile was the Briar I remembered,
hidden beneath a whole lot of anger.
As far as Im concerned, were still alive; if were alive that means its not too late for
anything. I nearly died more than once in the span of two and half years. If I learned anything from
my near death experiences, it was that I had to grab life by the throat and demand what I wanted. I
could sit around and wait for life to happen to me, or I could happen to life. I was still living with my
demons; most of the time it was still hard to breathe through the memories that haunted my waking
and sleeping hours, but I wasnt going to give up. It didnt matter that most nights I woke up in a cold
sweat from my haunted dreams. I survived.
She studied my features. Youd know that better than most, wouldnt you? she said sadly. I
dont know how she found out, but I could see it in the way her eyes glistened and the pure concern
that coated them. She knew about Afghanistan. Yeah, Arrow, I think youre right. Its time we finally
spoke. She relented. But I have one condition. She held up her pointer finger.
And whats the condition? I said curiously.
We dont talk about boot camp. Im not ready to go down that road tonight. Her eyes pleaded
with me. Understanding that look of horror in her eyes at the mere thought of speaking of that time in
our lives left my throat feeling thickly coated, making it difficult to swallow. One day I would get
those answers from her: why she stopped writing me, why she didnt come to my graduation. But
tonight wouldnt be the night.
Alright. We have a deal. Take a seat, Briar.
Im not sure how many people in life experience what was happening in mine. Seeing someone
from the past, someone who took place in the best times of your life, but also some of the very worst
moments, causes a raging imbalance of blissfulness and bewilderment. Questions that I had tried to
forget about, pushed away from the front part of my brain, and forced so far back that it was virtually
covered in the cobwebs of my mind came rushing forward, demanding to be dusted off and visited
again.
Yet, when Arrow said those words about still being alive, it took me back to the day that Darcy
told me Arrow might die. That is the single worst memory of my life. I wanted nothing more than to
hop on a plane to Afghanistan, fall to my knees next to his hospital bed, to beg and plead for him to
hear me through his broken state. I wanted to tell him that he couldnt leave me, that he still had
answers to give me, that he still had to explain why I wasnt good enough for him. Why I wasnt ever
enough.
When I found out he was going to make it, I pushed those feelings back again. He was alive,
which meant I could, again, put off all the answers I needed from him.
Having him in front of me again telling me that he needed those answers too, I had to give that to
him and I had to let him give that to me. The fact that he was even alive felt like a sheer act of God in
his whiskey eyes; they looked clear and full of life, a life that was almost lost and gone from this
world.
Still, I wasnt ready to dive straight into the nitty-gritty, dirty parts of our past that rubbed my
spirit raw. I wanted to know more about him and what hed gone through in the most recent years. I
had to get to know this new Arrow before I could revisit the old one.
We sat on that hard slab of wood for what had to be hours. The sky was well past dim and closer
to pitch black. The night was full of clouds, covering the sparkling stars above us. We spoke about the
big and small things that happened in the past six and a half years.
We got married a couple years ago, I explained to Arrow about Killian. Arrow seemed
interested in my and Killians relationship. We moved in together about six months after we started
dating. Another six months later and we were engaged. We stayed that way through college. We
bought a house, moved in, and soon after that we got married. All the beautiful memories between
Killian and me still had the power to make me feel regret for not giving him what he wanted. Hes a
good man, I said severely. One of the best men Ive ever met.
Arrow was clearly confused. He looked around like he was trying to make out a difficult math
problem. Then what happened? If everything was good, why did you want to divorce him?
I dont know if I feel comfortable talking about this. I looked up at Arrow, trying to decide if I
could let myself open up to him, even about a part of my life that had nothing to do with him.
Were just talking, he reminded me.
Just talking. Its not like no one else had asked the very same questions. Hes the one that
wanted to divorce me. I paused and looked up at the sky. I couldnt believe I was telling Arrow all of
this. He wanted kids. I swallowed, my throat clenching. Arrows eyes still looked cloudy with
confusion. I didnt. That surprised him. He mustve remembered all the times I told him of what I
wanted for my future, and one of those things was a large family. I want children. Id have a bus load
of them if I could, I corrected myself quickly. But I wasnt ready for it yet. Im still not, and he was
tired of waiting. I guess Well, I guess I didnt realize how much it bothered him until it was too
late. I shrugged my shoulders, ending my long speech.
Stop that, he commanded.
I snapped my neck up in question. Stop what?
Youre wearing that remorse on you like a second skin. If you dont let that go, youll never be
able to move on. His jaw ticked from clenching his teeth. His face held no other emotion except for
serious features.
He left because I couldnt give him what he deserved. Its going to take me longer than a few
months to get over that fact, Arrow.
If the fact that you werent ready for kids is what caused him to want a divorce, then thats on
him, Briar. You cant control the way others are going to handle what you think is best for you. The
right person will support you, cherish you, and listen to you when you say youre not ready, he said
sternly.
Arrow. There were still parts of him that was still very much the boy I fell for as a teenager. He
was still hot tempered; I could see that from how he reacted to my snippy attitude towards him. He
still seemed to read me like an open book, which made me uncomfortable. His eyes were still the
same color, but now there was a haunted glaze about them. He stood straighter and took up more room
with not just his body but also his overall aura. Then there were these things he kept saying that were
so full of wisdom, something the old Arrow would have never said. I reached up and cupped his jaw in
my hand and moved his head around like I was searching for something. Is Arrow Donovan in there
somewhere? I think hes been taken by some sort of philosophical scholar, I teased.
His rough hand came up and held my palm to his face, moving it over to his cheek. He closed his
eyes; his fingers moving up and down the back of my hand.
Im right here, Briar. When his eyes reopened, they were full of heat. I recognized it from the
night in the hotel room before he left for boot camp. I slid my hand down to his neck; feeling the
beating of his heart against the large artery resting there. His hand wrapped around my wrist, holding
me against his skin. I scanned his arm, noticing the veins mapping out their paths to his limbs. His
forearms had doubled in size. In fact, the majority of his muscles were larger than theyd ever been
before. He was a massive man with his height and muscles. The ink on his forearm caught my
attention. Semper Fi.
With his hand still holding my wrist, I moved my hand down to his arm and traced the lettering.
Always Faithful, I quoted the meaning. Id heard of it before, but when Arrow joined the Marines I
did my research. I wanted to learn as much as I could about it so that I would be prepared and know
what to expect from his new life. I also wanted to be able to hold a conversation with him and his new
friends and not have to ask what they meant every five seconds. The knowledge I gained from my
research was never needed with Arrow, though, because I was never part of his new life.
He smiled with all of his teeth. You know the meaning.
I do. I stopped tracing the letters. I like this. It looks good on you, I admitted. The letters
were strong and blocky, masculine, just like the man who wore them.
Do you have any more? I asked.
If youre lucky, Ill show you one day, he teased in the way he used to in high school. It was
flirtation, but I learned long ago that was simply Arrows personality. Yet the teasing nature made me
more nervous. Admittedly, I enjoyed the part of me that awakened around Arrow, but it also reminded
why I had to be careful around him. I slid slightly on the bench, putting more distance between our
bodies.
Rolling my eyes as I stood up, I turned towards the basement doors. I should probably go find
Darcy. Im getting tired. If Im lucky, shell drive me home and then come back here. If not, Im stuck
here until shes ready to leave, which will probably be around three, I laughed.
It has to be close to twelve by now. You cant leave before midnight. Youll miss the count
down, Arrow argued.
I didnt say anything. I knew Darcy would say the same thing. She wouldnt want to leave, and I
had no other ride to take me home. It wasnt that I didnt enjoy a good party or that I wasnt enjoying
my time with Arrow, but I was enjoying my time too much. If I didnt get out of here soon, I didnt
know what would happen. I didnt need those old feelings to come back. They hurt the first time;
feeling them again would be excruciating. I wanted to see him again, talk with him again. But I needed
time to reel in and reflect on everything that was said and happened tonight.
If you want to get out of here, let me drive you. Arrow stood and took the keys out of his
pocket. I dont mind leaving early. Well have our own personal count down in the truck on the way
to wherever youre staying. He winced. Please tell me youre not back at your parents house.
All of the tension I was struggling to control boiled over. I laughed, hard, gripping my sides as
the muscles tensed. My parents were never his biggest fans, and he wasnt too fond of them either.
No, Im not living with them. Im renting an apartment. I wiped the happy tears from my eyes.
So what do you say? Let me drive you home. His eyes pleaded.
It wasnt a good idea. Arrow just popped back into my life without a word and suddenly he was
fusing himself to parts of my life that he hadnt yet put a stamp on. Hed never been to my apartment;
it was empty of any memories. For now, I liked it that way. If I invited him inside and then something
happened and this new friendship, or whatever it was, didnt work out, Id look at my place and see the
time he spent there. But if he just dropped me off maybe that would be okay.
Let me find Darcy and tell her whats going on. I turned away.
Just text her, he suggested. I looked over my shoulder and then back towards the door.
I took out my phone and typed out a simple message that would keep her from worrying but
wouldnt divulge too much information. She wouldnt get any information from me until she
explained to me why she failed to inform me that Arrow was back in town.
Alright, lets go. He grinned and took my hand like he used to, leading me away from the
music and the people enjoying their party. His hand was large and warm with calluses that brushed
against my palm. For the first time since I was a teenager, butterflies erupted deep down in my womb
from just holding a mans hand.
I took her hand in mine without even thinking. I explained to myself that it was natural, ingrained
into my soul that Briars hand should be held by mine. I didnt know what that meant, and I didnt
care that it made me sound like the worst sort of pussy.
Our friendship was never an easy one. We both got angry easily. My feelings for her always
seemed to get in the way of logical thought. We hurt each other, laughed too loudly, talked about
everything, and we touched. Its how we worked. We touched. Whether I was tucking her hair behind
her ear, touching her cheek, tickling the sides of her ribs, or holding her hand, the touching part was
just natural. Memories of Briar shoving my shoulder from either making her laugh or being sarcastic
were in almost every piece of our past.
I led her towards my new truck. It was the first big purchase I made on my own without the help
of Lacey. It was a jet black 2013 Silverado Chevrolet. It sat up high enough that getting Briar up into
the seat was going to be difficult, especially in her dress and heels. I admitted, only to myself, that I
was going to enjoy lifting her into the cab.
Of course, I shouldve known this was yours. She leaned against the elongated bed of the truck.
The paint was still shiny with very little dirt debris.
Her hand was no longer in mine from when she pulled away to take in the sleekness of the
massive truck. I flexed my hand and fingers that were no longer holding on to hers.
Just got her. Shes a beauty isnt she? The color black had always been my favorite; matching
it with silver, perfection. Its classic, mysterious, deceivingly frightening, and carried an air of natural
beauty. In front of me stood a stunning woman in a sleek, black dress, wearing a light amount of silver
jewelry and leaning against the vast expanse of my black and silver truck. A gorgeous woman and a
badass truck: what else could a man ask for?
Shes everything youve ever wanted, Briar chuckled.
For a moment I wondered which she she was referring to and had to shake the thoughts back.
Briar never felt the same way I felt about her. At one point, I hoped that shed get there. But then all
those positive thoughts flew out the window when she rejected my new life and didnt come to my
graduation.
I stepped closer to her and put a hand above her shoulder, touching the side of my truck. Briar
looked up at me as my glance wavered between her and the vehicle. Yeah, I finally got her. Just took
some time. I looked into her eyes and smiled slightly.
We were both silent, breathing in the air that continually got more and more chilly the longer we
stood outside. Suddenly, I heard people counting down from Millers house. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven.
Its almost midnight, I said to Briar.
Four. Three. Two, she counted. When she said one I did something that would either get me a
knee to the gonads or would work out in my favor. I pressed my lips against hers in a peck. At least,
that was the plan. Once my lips landed on hers, she sighed. She didnt shove me away, and I couldnt
pull myself away from her. Her lips felt just as soft as I imagined them. They were slightly damp from
her constant nibbling on the bottom lip. They were full, tender, and delicious.
I pulled away and looked into her eyes. They opened slowly. Just a New Years kiss, I
explained. She nodded, pink cheeked. Her tongue came out and stroked her upper lip. I imagined
tasting that tongue with mine.
Screw it. I cupped her head in both of my hands, fingers tightening in her hair and dove back into
those sugar coated lips. She responded immediately, her arms wrapped around my back in a fierce grip
as I pushed my body into hers, pressing her against the cool metal of the truck. Her mouth opened in a
silent moan, and I took advantage, sliding my tongue between her wet lips. It was my turn to sigh
when her tongue met mine in a fast-paced tango. I shouldve taken my time with our first kiss,
shouldve gotten to know every inch of her mouth, but I couldnt help but devour her.
I felt an immediate change in Briars stance when one of my hands started drifting down to her
hip. Suddenly, her lips stilled and she was pushing at my chest. I took her lead and stepped back. I was
still delirious from the brilliance of that moment, but also confused by her sudden change.
She wiped at her mouth angrily. Her hand shook, and I was pretty sure it wasnt from the cold.
I cant do this. Im sorry. She shuffled away from me, no longer pressed against my truck.
Youre married. She looked disgusted with herself and with me. Before I had a chance to respond,
she took off in her tall, black heels and headed back towards Millers house.
I ran as fast as I could to the house, with one hand pressed against my lips, not capable of
believing I just allowed that to happen. How many times had I dreamt of what Arrows kiss would feel
like? How many times did I think it was going to happen to only have my heart broken again? Never,
not once in any of those fantasies, was Arrow married when he finally kissed me. I apologized to him
before I dashed away. And I was sorry. I was sorry that I didnt push him away when I saw his face
coming down to meet mine. He didnt even realize the sort of unbearable pain he put me through for
so many years. He hurt me over and over again. He killed a piece of me constantly, and I didnt have
the strength to go through it again.
Once inside, I found Darcy tongue-tied with an attractive guy from Millers job. Being that I was
an absolute mess inside, I couldnt stand to wait until she was finished with no name. I tapped on
her shoulder until she freed herself from his arms.
We need to go. Now. My arms were shaking, partly from the cold weather but more from what
had just went down with Arrow. I felt horrible for enthusiastically kissing him back and for loving
every minute of it. He was married! I kissed a married man. No matter what kind of past Arrow and I
had, there was no excuse for that.
Her widening eyes looked me up and down, noticing my trembling body. Okay, lets go. She
waved to the man she was just kissing.
I looked over my shoulder with every quick step we took out of the house and towards the car,
searching for any sign of Arrow. I didnt see him. Once we were in the car and pulling away from the
house, Darcy started asking questions.
What happened? I thought you got a ride home. I assume with Arrow. She looked in the mirror
and then switched lanes.
You dont get any answer yet. Why didnt you tell me he was in Greenville? I asked, crossing
my arms under my chest.
She sighed. I didnt know for certain that hed be at the party. But I hoped he would be. Hes
only been back for a couple weeks, and I only know that because a couple guys from high school were
talking about it. He didnt say anything about coming back to Greenville online, and Lacey hasnt
posted anything for a long time. She glanced at me and then back to the road. I thought it would be
best if you two just ran into each other instead of trying to force you guys to meet up.
Im not sure that seeing Arrow is a good idea at all, I whispered, my fingers tracing my lips,
mimicking where his lips had been.
What happened?
I took my heels off and threw them down onto the floorboard and rubbed my cramped up toes.
He kissed me. The words sounded more like air than actual speech.
I looked at Darcy out of the corner of my eye and saw a stupidly large smile. Its not smile
worthy, Darcy; hes married. Thats so wrong!
The smile went away when she realized how wrong it really was. Is there more to that frown on
your face? she asked.
You know there is Today exhausted me. Seeing Arrow played with my emotions. Then that
kiss How am I supposed to get over all the shit from our past? I asked rhetorically.
She tried to answer anyway. A lot of time has passed, Briar. Youre both different people. Why
dont you try to get to know one another and see where that takes you? Maybe youll realize that the
Arrow you used to know is gone. Maybe you wont even be attracted to this new one. Though that
would be hard to do, since he somehow got even sexier, she joked. I glared at her. Fine. Anyway,
maybe youll find a new friendship with him, or maybe youll learn that you two have absolutely
nothing in common and its best to leave the past in the past and move on.
You make it sound easy. Its not that easy. You dont know what happened. You dont know how
messed up I was for a long time.
News flash, Briar. Ive been your friend for years. You dont think I noticed the change in you?
Oh, I saw it, babe. And how messed up you were back then? Well how about how messed up you still
are over whatever the hell happened? I started to argue. Listen, she commanded, turning on to the
street of my apartment complex. I used to get really mad over the fact that you never confided in me.
I would sit and wait for your ass to finally tell me what was happening. You never did. You probably
never will. But hear me out
You may think you healed from this a long time ago. But you havent. You didnt see how you
looked when I had little tidbits of information about Arrow, or when I told you he was in critical
condition. You didnt see how your entire body seemed to implode. Then the absolute relief when you
found out he was going to be okay. I cried. I couldnt hold it back. I knew she was right, but I tried so
hard to get over him. I told myself I would never let him or anyone affect me in that way again. I
thought I succeeded, but I hadnt. Id only hidden it from myself. So unless whatever he did to you
was some sort of bodily harm, then you need to let him in. Because Briar, maybe hes the only one
that can repair whats broken inside of you.
Truth rang in everything Darcy said. If I couldnt fix myself, if Killian couldnt be the ointment
to the pain, then perhaps Arrow would have the cure.
Darcy called me a few days later. I expected to hear from her sooner. Usually we talked at least
once a day, but I figured she was giving me my space to think.
Hey, dont be mad she said, drawing out the word mad.
What did you do? I said as I dabbed my eye shadow on my upper lid near the eyebrow.
I gave Arrow your number. I might have given him your address too, her voice wasnt the least
bit apologetic.
The tiny brush dropped and landed on the sink. Are you kidding me, Darcy? This is crossing the
line! I screeched. You cant hand out my information to just anyone!
It wasnt just anyone. Its Arrow. I heaved a sigh. Its not a big deal. He said hed call before
showing up at your house.
Im sure he said exactly that. The doorbell rang to my apartment. I stilled. No way. I ran from
the bathroom to the front door and looked out the peephole, but the mystery visitor was covering it.
Move your hand, asshole! I yelled to the person behind the door.
The deep chuckling was exactly who I thought it was. Oh yeah, he sure called before showing up
at my house, I hissed into the phone.
Darcy laughed hysterically. Hes there right now! The man is fast. I just gave it to him.
Go away, I groaned to Arrow.
Not happening. We have to talk. Looking into the hole again, I saw he was standing there,
looking down at the ground, his thumbs tucked into his front jean pockets.
I have plans, I stuttered out.
No you dont. I continued watching him. His eyes rolled, and he glared at the door.
How do you know what I have planned? I snipped back.
You did your little stuttering thing that you do when youre trying to lie. You suck at lying by
the way. Always have. I always wanted to tell you that, but didnt want you to know I knew your tell
sign. He grinned up towards the peep hole.
Its true, you do suck at lying, Darcy said into my ear.
I nearly dropped my phone; Id forgotten she was still on the line.
Darcy, Ive got to go. I hit end and then swung the door open.
I stumbled backward, trying to gain distance as Arrow came barreling into my living room. I
nearly tumbled backward, tripping on a shoe in the middle of the room. Arrow caught my arm and
steadied me. When I got my balance I slapped his hand away.
Thanks, I mumbled.
We have to talk, he stated.
Youve said that approximately ten times in the last twenty seconds, I quipped.
Arrow perused my get-up. I had on a pair of dark wash boot cut jeans and a white t-shirt with a v-
cut in the front. It was simple, comfortable, very me. My make-up was light and not completely
finished because I was interrupted by Darcys phone call.
You look nice. He stepped forward, too close.
I put my hand up and pushed his chest slightly. We can talk from here, I said.
Enough, he bellowed. Stop acting like this.
Im acting how I should have a few nights ago. You keep getting in my space. Its making me
uneasy, I stuttered.
He grinned confidently. You didnt seem uncomfortable against my truck.
Oh my. His lips curved up on one side, giving me the sideways smile that made my head loopy.
Seeing him in broad daylight allowed me to view just how different he looked. He had worry lines
sketched into his forehead, but somehow they added to the raw, masculine beauty of him. His familiar,
whiskey eyes made me drunk when I looked into them. He had a small, puckered scar on the side of
his left eye that pointed downwards, almost like a large tear.
Were not talking about the other night, unless you want to apologize, I sneered.
He chuckled. Im definitely not apologizing. Ive wanted to do that for a long ass time.
I glowered at him. Youre married! Why do I have to keep reminding everyone of this fact? I
said more to myself, putting a hand to my head.
Yeah, we have to talk about that. He scratched at the back of his head, looking guilty.
No, I stated simply and walked to my bathroom, closed the door, and sat on the toilet.
The doorknob jiggled. Come on, Briar.
No, I argued.
Ill sit out here and wait until you come out. You know I will, he threatened. And damn it, if he
were anything like the old Arrow, I knew he would.
I rolled my neck, stretching the tendons that had pulled tight.
Lets go out for a drink at OMalleys Tavern, he suggested.
The door creaked as I cracked the bathroom door open slightly and looked out from the gap. At
the sight of him, my knees weakened. He stood right at the crack, peeking through the same empty
area, looking down at me, smiling.
Fine, but only because you have a lot of explaining to do. And youre buying my drink, I
relented. I have to finish getting ready. Theres water in the fridge.
I shut the door in his face and only felt a smidge guilty about it. I planned on having that drink
with him and explaining to him, as slowly as need be, that a married man cannot go around kissing
women who are not his wife. Id make him apologize. Then, and only then, would we move forward
with a possible friendship.
New Briar was tricky. Every conversation with Briar seemed like a constant battle. She fought me
tooth and nail until eventually she surrendered. Her standoff behavior was beginning to piss me off,
and the little, snide remarks were beginning to get old. Still, her brusque attitude was both annoying
and unbelievably sexy at the same time. It reminded me of being a teenager when shed get angry over
some small thing and start her ranting. I lived for that because that frustration meant she felt strongly
towards me.
She could act mad all she wanted, she could try and push me away, say that the kiss didnt mean
anything, but I knew it was a lie. She wanted that kiss as badly as I did. Her arms were pulling me into
her. Her tongue was attacking mine exactly how mine attacked hers.
It didnt take her long to exit the bathroom. There was no visible difference in what she did to
finish getting ready. She wouldnt smile at me as she walked, distractingly, past me to pick up a pair
of brown boots and slide them over her sock covered feet.
Grab a jacket; its cold, I said while pointing to her coat rack.
Im twenty-five, Arrow. I think I know when I need a jacket. She grabbed the brown one and
slid it over her arms.
I rubbed my temples, blowing out a long sigh. I dont remember you being so sarcastic.
People change, she mumbled and locked the door behind her.
Once at the bar, we both ordered beers. She sat across from me in a booth-style table, tore the
napkin in front of her into a million little pieces, then grabbed another one and started doing the same
thing.
I waited until half of her beer was gone until I opened the conversation. Can we start talking
now that beer calmed your tongue? She glared up at me from her glass but didnt have any
comments. I raised an eyebrow. Good to know: Beer tames the wild woman in front of me.
What happened the other night I began.
We have to work up to that part, Arrow.
You got your way the other night when you said we couldnt talk about the past. I want my way
this time. So lets make a deal, I offered.
She gulped down some of the amber liquid. Lets hear it. Whats the deal?
I pointed towards the small, empty dancing area. The jukebox sat against a wall, lit up in
florescent colors.
I dont care if you want to play a song. Go right ahead, she said not quite getting what I meant.
Youre going to dance with me to my choice of song. After that well start with the serious
questions. Its either that, or we get into it now. I tapped my thumb on the worn table in front of me,
waiting for her answer. It was a win-win situation for me. Either way, she was forced to speak with
me.
It better be a good song, she finally said and scooted out of the bench.
Oh, its a great song. I smiled conspiringly then marched over to the jukebox and tapped in the
numbers for my choice. Turning around, I faced Briar. Her flushed face gave her away, but I didnt
comment on the brightness of her cheekbones. Our song started when I took her hand in mine and put
the other around her waist.
Her eyes widened, becoming brighter as well as glistening. Dear God by Avenged Sevenfold
echoed through the room. Her hand in mine squeezed tightly, so I pulled her closer to me, holding her
together, holding me together.
You remember this song, right? I asked, resting my cheek against the top of her head. The
scruff on my chin brushed against the top of her forehead.
Maybe, she sniffled against my neck.
We moved in small circles. Her body completely pressed against me. The flowery smell of her
hair invaded my senses. Having her against me, moving close so there was no space between where I
ended and she began was euphoric. Near the middle of the song she let go of my hand and gripped the
front of my t-shirt in a tight fist. I wrapped both arms around her and continued moving us. All the
letters she sent me during boot camp were scribbled on the folds of my brain. Each of the letters I
wrote to her, with parts of the lyrics to this song written at the top, were never forgotten. The night I
left for boot camp, holding her in my arms all night, seeing her damn near naked in front of me, nearly
kissing her, handing her the note that told her to listen to this song and know I was thinking about her,
every bittersweet memory flashed over and over in my mind.
Jesus, it was all too much. I let go of her with my right hand and tipped her chin up, forcing her to
look at me. Tears trickled down her cheeks, her brown eyes shining.
Dont cry, Briar, I said quietly and leaned forward to press my lips to hers.
She turned her head away, Dont. She sniveled, trying to pull away from my grasp.
Tell me you dont want this. Tell me there hasnt always been something between us. I kept my
hold on her chin; it wobbled in my fingers.
Her eyes darted away from mine. It doesnt matter what feelings I used to have. You left. You
married her. Youre still married to her.
I winced at her words and closed my eyes. All that time All that wasted time when we couldve
been together. She cared for me. I dont know how strong her feelings once were, but they were there.
I wanted to scream at the universe for its game it played on us, for forcing us away from one another
before we had our chance.
Were not together anymore, I tried explaining.
What? she looked up.
Lacey and I were not together anymore. Would she want me now? Would she let me kiss
her? Let me love her?
Its too late. The song ended. Her fist in my shirt tightened and then let go, dropping to her
sides.
I expected him to give up after my words of rejection but he didnt. I turned to walk outside for a
breath of fresh air. When I opened the door, the bell at the top rang and I stepped outside. Arrow
followed me. He grabbed the bicep of my arms and turned me around.
Stop saying that, he scolded.
Saying what?
That its too late. Its not too late. That saying doesnt even make sense. Its six oclock what
is it too late for? Too late for us? No, I wont accept that. Tell me you dont have feelings for me if
thats the truth. Tell me you never did. Tell me you never will Tell me anything, but dont lie to me.
Dont use time as your way to easily back out of this. He stepped closer, backing me into the brick of
the building. His eyes like amber, like sweet honey dripping down, soothed me, and the way he looked
at me tenderly and demanding at the same time nearly undid me.
I dont know what to say, I admitted in a whisper.
How about the truth? Id really like to hear what that is. He cupped my face in his rough hands.
Truth or dare? he asked with a small smile.
I trembled. What was I supposed to do? Did I tell him what I was feeling? Every single thought
running through my head? Truth, I muttered.
Be honest with me, Briar. What are you feeling in here? His right hand left my cheek and
rested right above my left breast.
Im feeling how Ive felt for nearly eight years: broken, lost, confused, and absolutely crazy
about you. The faintness of my voice was barely audible, my limbs imperceptibly shaking.
His eyes focused on my lips. The pounding of my heart gave away the anticipation I felt. He was
going to kiss me, and I was going to let him. I didnt know what any of this meant. Questions were
unanswered I still didnt understand why our past ended the way it did if he honestly had feelings
for me. But I also knew, as his lips grazed mine, that nothing had ever felt quite as perfect as his
mouth working against mine.
Neither of us felt the frigid air. I was too consumed in the aroma of tobacco and the spice of
Arrows cologne. The tobacco was a smell familiar to me, a scent that Arrow had always had; the
cologne was new, a part of the Arrow I was still getting to know. His hands were roughly textured but
tender when they touched my neck and arms. His kiss was passionate and unforgiving. His body
warmed mine as he pressed me harder into the brick wall behind me.
Knowing he was no longer married to Lacey made this kiss sweeter than the first one when I
thought he was cheating on his wife.
When I told him it was too late for us, he had chased me. This man, this man who could have
anyone he wanted, he chased after me. He forced me to tell him how I truly felt. Even though those
feelings were conflicted, skewed from past emotions, tender, and easily damaged, they were mine, and
I gave them to him. His mouth on mine for the first time felt like a healing medication working its
way into my bloodstream, pumping the cure to my heart.
We kissed for what couldve been a minute or possibly an hour; time was irrelevant. The only
reason we stopped was because I started to shake, though I was unaware of the cold breeze.
Lets get you back inside. Arrow rubbed up and down on my arms like he was trying to start a
fire.
He walked behind me, his hands still causing friction on my skin as we walked into the bar.
We both took our seats. I smiled; it was small, but each side of my lips curled up. I couldnt take
that grin off my face though, even if I were offered a million dollars. Arrow tried to look relaxed and
at ease, but his knee bounced underneath the table. I caught him rubbing his bottom lip with his thumb
more than once.
I guess we dont need to talk about that kiss from a few nights ago since we seem to have
figured it all out on that dance floor. He pointed towards where he held me while Dear God played
over the speakers.
Despite the fact that my fingers were still frozen and I couldnt feel my nose, my cheeks blushed.
Arrow reached over the table and traced the rosy coloring on my cheeks, then moved over to my long
bangs and curled my hair around his finger.
You ever going to tell me why you dyed your hair? I looked down at the dark strands.
Why, do you not like it? Prefer blondes? I teased.
His eyes sparkled with mischief. I used to prefer dark blonde. Now I have a thing for brunettes.
Giggling, I covered my mouth, trying to silence the volume of my laughter. Once I got a hold of
myself I answered, I needed a change. There was a lot going on in my life with the divorce, my new
job at the school, finding an apartment, learning to live on my own, learning who I am I figured why
not? I never dyed my hair before. Ive always thought about it, but was too worried about what
everyone else would think. One day on a whim I decided I would do it anyway. I went to the salon and
had it done. Turns out I like it.
With a little tug on my lock of hair, Arrow let go. I like it too. He sat back in his seat. At
Millers I couldnt decide if it was you or someone else. He chuckled. Youve changed, he said
more seriously.
So have you, I stated and then waved my hand, gesturing to him. Sometimes I see the Arrow
from when we were teenagers, but then theres this other part of you thats new to me. I looked at the
small scar by his eye, up to his cropped hair, and back down to his well-defined face that had aged
beautifully. I like this hair, I think. When I first saw you, I kind of missed those shaggy curls you
used to have. But this fits you.
He ran a hand over the short pricks. In California there wasnt a lot of cold weather to worry
about. Here, the cold air just about freezes my head. He laughed.
I swallowed and looked away. How silly that I would have an aversion to an entire state and feel
like it stole him away from me. Did you like California?
I watched the gears turning as he considered his answer. Its beautiful there. The perfect
temperature nearly year around. Nodding, I drank the last of my beer. But you know what? I
paused, holding the mug in front of me. The company is better in North Carolina.
My heart pitter-pattered in my chest with his flirtation. North Carolina missed you, I
whispered. A particular person in Greenville missed you.
I hope so because I really missed North Carolina. He winked.
Will I see you tomorrow? Arrow asked as he opened the truck door for me and helped me out
of the passenger seat. I looked at my apartment door and then back at him.
Im actually going to be really busy for the next couple nights. Our school is having a play, and
tomorrow night after school is the rehearsal. I volunteered to help. The night after that is the play. I
was disappointed to not see Arrow for at least two days, but also excited for the play the kids worked
hard on.
Arrow wore an understanding grin. Perfect. I have tickets to a concert on Wednesday. Come
with me?
I rocked back and forth on my feet and pulled my jacket tighter around me. Depends. Is it a good
band? I asked, teasing. It didnt matter what band was playing. I wanted to go.
Its not a well-known band, just a group from around this area. Its at The Dug Out. The Dug
Out was a small hang out that a lot of college students hung out at. The alcohol was cheap, and most
days the cover was free unless there was a band playing. If a band had the building that night, the
cover ranged from fifteen to twenty dollars - still affordable and the bands were usually up-and-
coming.
What time will you pick me up? His smile widened.
Itll take about forty five minutes to get there so lets say seven?
Seven works. I worried my lower lip, wondering how was I supposed to end my day with him?
A kiss? A hug? Feeling like a teenager all over again, I waited for him to make the move. I still felt
edgy about whatever was happening between us. Happiness bloomed inside of me, but there was still a
dark, icky place that told me this wasnt going to work, that our past was too jaded, too full of
depression and heartbreak. Every time I felt hopeful, negativity would sweep in and say, No, youre
not allowed to have him. You cant have him. Youve missed your chance. Itll never happen. The
negativity was easier to believe.
Come here, he said, pulling me towards him by taking a hold of my hand.
Lifting up on my tiptoes, I met his mouth halfway. It was a small, innocent kiss, but it touched
me all the way to my toes.
Despite our lack of conversation on topics that really mattered you know, like our past
spending time with Briar took me back to high school all over again. Except this time I wasnt going
to keep my feelings to myself. Gone were the days of wishing I could have the girl in every one of my
damn dreams. Gone were the days of being with another woman for the simple fact that I couldnt
have the one I really wanted. Yes, I needed to eventually hear her excuses for giving up on our
friendship when we were eighteen. Her rejection, in spite of everything, felt like a heavy weight on my
chest that I couldnt lift off without help from her. Yet, though the answers were essential, it was even
more necessary to have quality time with new Briar to discover her likes and dislikes, what made her
tick, what made her smile.
Waiting until Wednesday to see her proved to be difficult. It was impossible to still taste her on
my lips, but I swore I could. I remembered the pressure of her softness against mine, the smoothness
of her skin underneath my fingertips, the smell of her hair. It was sweet and fresh like spring
honeysuckle. It made the winter bearable.
Tuesday night I got restless. She sent me texts when she had time, and at night, after she got
home from school, she would call me. I wanted to talk for hours, but she was exhausted. Her tiredness
reflected in her voice. Still, sitting at home and watching the clock tick by, waiting for Wednesday to
come and pass so that I could pick her up that evening got ridiculous. I looked up at the clock,
thinking an hour went by when in reality it was only ten minutes. How had I become a teenage girl
instead of a full-grown man? She did this to me.
The living room of my one bedroom apartment went black when I switched off the light and
television. My keys clinked against the front door when I locked it up. Music blared in the oversize
speakers of my truck while heading to OMalleys for a few beers to take off the edge and maybe
catch a game on the bars large screen television.
Arriving there, it seemed like it would be the typical bar experience as it was the last time. There
were the men who clearly frequented the establishment and others who were young and new to the bar
going world. A few younger women were hunched over a bar game where you have to find differences
between one picture of a naked woman and another. I grinned and shook my head, remembering being
twenty-one and enjoying that game myself.
I walked up to the bar, pulled out a cigarette, and asked for a tall beer. The bartender was a
woman in her late forties with age lines on her forehead and the sides of her eyes. But her smile was
genuine when she handed me the glass.
Just open up a tab. I handed her my credit card, lit my cigarette, and turned around in the bar
stool to view the television better. I noticed a man moving in my direction. At first, I thought he was
walking up to the bar. But when I focused on him, I realized exactly who he was Killian.
Our run in could go one of two ways. One: I kick his ass. What kind of tool would leave a woman
like Briar because she wasnt ready for kids? He obviously was an idiot. Or: we could ignore one
another and pretend like we are unaware of who the other was. But that was doubtful, since he
continued his march toward me. I sucked in the nicotine from my cigarette then dabbed the tip of it on
the ashtray, saving the rest for later.
Killian was similar to me in height, but thats where the similarities ended. His hair was blonde
and slightly longer than mine, long enough that he combed it a bit to the side, looking professional and
clean cut. He was fit; I could tell he hit the gym on a regular basis. But I had about fifty pounds on
him. I looked for a fight in his light colored eyes when they met mine. But there wasnt one. He
seemed surprised to see me, but I didnt see hate or fury.
Once he stood near my chair, he gestured to an empty table. Let me buy you a beer. You know, a
thank you for your service in the Marines. I raised a brow in disbelief. He laughed humorlessly. And
by the look on your face, you have something you need to say to me, he guessed. He was right.
I joined him at the table. I dont need a beer. Ive got one, I said shortly.
Alright. He drummed his fingers against the tabletop nervously. You might as well come out
with it, he stated.
Thats what you want? I glowered. You broke her fucking heart you worthless piece of shit, I
said in a deathly tone.
Killian openly laughed, shaking his head back and forth, looking at the table and then perusing
my angry features. Still trying to defend her honor? After all these years He bit the nail on his
thumb and said in a low voice, At least she wasnt the only one stuck in the past.
What was that? I started to rise from my seat.
Take a seat, man. Im not going to fight you, and Im not trying to pick a fight.
Then what exactly are you trying to do? I asked skeptically.
Clear the air. He shrugged his shoulders.
What air is there to clear between us? I wondered. If anything, he needed to speak with Briar,
to apologize to her.
Plenty, he muttered. Man I wasnt blind then
What are you babbling on about? I said frustrated. My body was taut, prepared to spring.
I wasnt blind at that party. That farewell thing where I met you, he explained. You were in
love with her, and you know what? Briar was in love with you too. But shit, I wanted her enough to put
up a fight. I thought I won. He rubbed his jaw in thought. But now look at where we are. I didnt
win; I just postponed the inevitable.
Im not following you My head was spinning with all this information. Someone was able to
read me and see the truth behind my friendship with Briar, and that guy was Briars ex-husband who
is telling me Briar loved me, too?
Killians features became angry. Dont play me for a fool, Arrow. You want me to believe
youre back in town and not seeing Briar?
To be honest, I dont really give two shits what you know and dont know about Briar and me, I
quipped.
Why are you acting like Ive ruined your life? Shes single. Shes not my wife anymore. If you
want her, there she is. I lost, Arrow. Shes not mine.
You lost because you wanted to divorce her because she wasnt ready for kids! You look like an
idiot, you know that? I remarked. Truthfully, I was thankful she wasnt with Killian anymore. The
mere thought of her being with anyone was tough to think about, but someone breaking her heart was
unfathomable.
Killian smiled sadly. That was the reason I gave Briar when I told her I wanted a divorce. But
its not true. I could wait to have kids with her.
Then whats the real reason? My eyebrows drew together, and I scooted forward in my seat.
Shes not in love with me. He threw back the rest of his beer. It was kind of a test. If I said I
wanted a divorce, would she fight to keep me? She didnt. She accepted it with very few questions.
She loved me. I know that. But looking back now, she was never in love with me. And believe me,
theres a difference between being loved and having someone in love with you. He stood from his
seat and picked up the large, empty cup he finished off a few seconds ago. She never looked at me the
way she looked at you.
I sat looking forward at nothing and nobody, mulling over everything Killian said.
The heavy tapping on my shoulder from Killian forced me to look up at him. You get a second
chance. Dont mess this up. Be good to our girl.
Five beers later, I still sat dumfounded. I had all of our memories filed into a large compartment
in my brain. I pulled out one every so often and replayed those times like an old home video. Never,
ever, did I look at those memories and consider the idea that Briar felt the same way I did for her. The
other day, outside of this very bar, she admitted to me that shed been crazy about me. Not in love, but
crazy. There was a difference. A big one. You could be crazy about your friends, your family. Hell,
you could be crazy about your favorite television shows. If Killian was correct and Briar was in love
with me when we were teenagers, was she telling me the other night that she was still in love with me?
If Briar loved me back then, why did she give up on me? Why did the letters stop coming? Why didnt
she fly out for my graduation? Why didnt she call me?
Those past memories continued to invade my thoughts Back then I eventually held a grudge
against her. Days went by that I didnt hear from her, and each day that passed was another wedge
between us. In a moment of weakness, I deleted and blocked her from my network pages. Well, Lacey
did. She said she wasnt comfortable with my friendship with Briar. She asked if she could get on my
pages and block Briar and, because of our lack of friendship, I didnt see the hurt in it. No longer
getting updates on Briars romantic life with Killian was a relief. Seeing her smiling in pictures where
he was hugging her from behind felt like small stabs in my chest. I had to make a choice: move on
with Lacey and stop my constant state of fury whenever there was a post on Briars page, or continue
putting myself through constant torture. I chose the former, allowing Lacey to do whatever she wanted
with my page.
I kept the same number for a long while, but eventually I knew I needed to change it, too. At the
time it felt like the only way to move on. But even after I made all those changes, I still wondered
about Briar. I often wanted to know if she was happy, if life gave her everything she deserved.
Now all of it seemed petty, seemed stupid, seemed like a complete waste of the time Briar and I
couldve had together. It was all because of miscommunication, all because we were afraid to tell each
other the truth. I needed to know if Killian was right. Had Briar always loved me? Where was she the
day of graduation? And why did she never try to contact me?
I fell asleep that night with the intent of asking her all of those things when I picked her up for
the concert. I awoke in the middle of the night in a sweaty mess, heart beating rapidly, and the images
of my time in Afghanistan still fresh from my dreams. I looked around the room for the men who tried
to kill me. Realizing I was in my own apartment, in the US, gun in the nightstand next to me, that I
was safe, I laid back down, letting out a relieving breath. I wondered if the nightmares would last for
the rest of my life, or if eventually it would seem like a distant memory, one which lost its vividness.
It was only three in the morning. After getting up and taking the sleeping pill the doctor
prescribed me, I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.
With the heat cranked up in the truck, the tickets to the concert resting in my back pocket with
my wallet, I headed to Briars apartment. I glanced over at the dashboard where the time lit up in a
bright florescent blue. I was going to be early to Briars, but I couldnt sit around the house any longer
and wait to finally see her.
I rang her doorbell and chuckled when I heard her cursing while getting closer to the door.
Clearly, she wasnt ready yet. When she opened the door, her hair was a mess of curls, most of it
blocking her face. She had a black heel in her hand that she was simultaneously trying to put on her
foot while holding her skirt down.
I watched, enjoying the chaos and utter disarray which was Briar. I tried to keep the chuckling
quiet, but she looked up at me with her hair still stuck to the lip gloss making her mouth shiny. I
couldnt hold it back. I reached out and freed the hair from its sticky prison. She blew out a mouthful
of air, pushing the hair coming closer to her lips away from her.
Youre early, she stated, hopped over to her couch, sat down, and clasped the heel around her
ankle.
I am. She stood back up, straightened the tiny black skirt that only barely covered her ass. My
eyes mustve widened, because she smiled confidently and did a little twirl showing me her backside
which looked sinful in the get up. She wore a pink shirt with sheer sleeves but opaque everywhere
else, looking sexy and classy much like the New Years party at Millers. Her lips were naturally a
dark pink, but her lip-gloss mustve had a tint to it. Her lips were cherry in color. The woman knew
how to stay right on the line of tasteful yet boner-inducing.
Which I was sporting right now. I shifted the front of my jeans, not bothering to hide what I was
doing. I took pleasure in watching the heat in her eyes and the pink of her cheeks.
I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her into me. My dick was hard and pressing into her belly.
She licked her lips. I kissed her in a quick peck, knowing most women didnt want their make-up
messed up right after applying it.
You look stunning. She dabbed her finger over my lips, wiping of the gloss. Youre going to
make me get in a fight tonight.
Why?
Those college boys are going to be watching you and making passes all night.
Briar threw her head back and laughed. Dont you worry. Im a big girl; I can handle myself.
You wont need to handle it; Ive got it covered. Let me deal with the handsy jerkoffs. I was
only half joking. Theres a fine line between appreciating the way a woman looked and making her
feel like a piece of meat.
I helped Briar into the truck and then got in on my side. Briars short skirt shortened even more
when she sat in my truck. I zeroed in on her tan legs and upper thighs peeking out from the black scrap
of clothing. The tension in the vehicle was palpable.
Wanting her was a feeling I had become keen to many years ago. However, wanting someone
who isnt around you is easier to deal with. Eventually the constant pull to touch her, to hear her voice,
to smell her skin - everything that came with wanting to be with Briar - well, it cooled like lava
cascading down a volcano. Its hot; it burns anything in its path. That flaming magma burned through
my extremities, finally hit the chilly water, and was forced to become a coal-like ash. It still
simmered, causing steam to leak through. Having Briar back in my life was like a volcano that had
been dormant for decades, and bubbling with murderous temperatures, it was finally ready to explode.
Now that it was active, that volcano would never be asleep again.
Unable to keep myself from touching her, I laid my hand on her naked skin just above the knee.
The sound of a surprised intake of breath left her parted lips. Small chills broke out across her skin,
informing me that she was feeling this insanity too.
I drove nearly twenty minutes. Both of us tried making idle chitchat, but nothing took my mind
off of the bare skin I was touching on her thigh. Every bit of small talk ended just as quickly as it
started, filling the truck with a thick silence that coated the lust dripping off of us. All the desire I felt
for this girl since the day I met her was tangible in the confined space. I was positive Briar felt it too.
When my hand moved a millimeter up her leg, she clenched her eyes tightly together and bit down on
her lip before releasing both her lip and her eyes.
Maybe we were moving too fast. Perhaps taking us to the next level so quickly after being
reunited would come back and bite me. But I jerked the car off the road. We were on one of those
small state roads that generally remained empty after a certain time of day. The gravel crunched
loudly beneath the tires. Small rocks came up, hitting the metal of my truck. I threw it into park. I
breathed in loudly, fighting to get a hold of myself before I continued what we both needed to be done.
Its a good thing I parked the truck on the side of the road because there was no way my eyes
were going to leave Briar. She sucked in air as I trailed my fingers upward, underneath her skirt. Her
breasts rose and fell sporadically, matching her erratic breaths. She wasnt looking at me, but if she
were she wouldve seen my chest making the same movements. I felt like an inexperienced teenage
boy all over again, wanting to make her feel good, afraid I was moving too fast.
When I reached the outside of her panties, I could feel the radiating heat coming from inside. The
wetness was drenching the small triangle covering where my fingers demanded to go. She didnt stop
when I pushed her underwear to the side and slid my finger across her bare pussy.
My dick swelled and pressed against the denim of my jeans. I was painfully hard, and not solely
from touching Briar. Ive had the images of Briar naked in my head for years, and I was about to
watch one of my fantasies become a reality as I got her off with my fingers.
Her legs spread wider without me having to ask her. I bit back my grin and slid the tip of my left
middle finger into her. Briars head bent backward, resting against the headrest. She closed her eyes,
but I could still see her eyes moving behind the lids. The tip of her tongue dipped out and dampened
her lips.
I angled my body closer to hers so that I could watch as pleasure took over her. Sliding my finger
in to the hilt, she clenched around me. Having a piece of me inside of her seemed more like a
hallucination than actual reality. For the life of me, I couldnt comprehend why I hadnt done this with
her before. Every woman Id been with seemed trivial compared to what I could have or couldve had
with Briar all this time.
I drew my finger slowly out of her and then pressed it in her again. Her hips thrust upward
meeting each movement of my hand.
Youre tight, Briar. Perfect, I mumbled out the words.
She hummed something intelligible and sighed, her breath speeding up. My fingers have always
been on the bigger side. Adding a second finger inside of her would be a stretch, but she was wet
enough that shed adjust easy enough. I slid my pointer finger through her wetness, and then began
adding it to her pussy. Her knees bent, the heels of her shoes resting on the seat, opening her up for
easier access.
Thats it, Briar. Let me inside of you. The walls inside of her stretched to accommodate the
extra digit. I began rubbing her clit with my thumb at the same time my fingers began moving,
working her to an orgasm.
I knew when she was close. It became apparent when her head started to move back and forth
against the headrest. One of her hands grasped at her skirt while the other wrapped around my arm,
helping me match whatever rhythm she needed to get off.
Arrow, she whispered my name as her legs shook lightly, and her head finally stilled.
In all the years Ive known Briar Ive heard her say my name a million times. In my dreams, it
was often her crying out my name with my dick buried inside of her. I envisioned what her voice
would sound like when I made her come. I wondered what the look on her face would be when she
completely lost herself in the moment.
Seeing it in reality was a sight to behold. Her features went soft, completely relaxed. The way she
said my name sounded like a plea for me to never stop and a declaration of her feelings. The way she
said my name was a reflection of the way I thought of her name. It was full of past regrets, an
overflow of years of emotions we never let out in the open.
I pulled out of her unhurriedly; enjoying the small twitches racking through her as I did. Her fist
loosened its grip around my wrist, but she didnt let go. I twisted my wrist so that I could wrap her
fingers with mine. Both of us were breathing hard, holding hands.
Pants, she said breathlessly, Undo them. I looked at her confused. She scooted closer to me
and started unbuttoning my jeans.
I stopped her hands from their eager movements. Not necessary, Briar. Her hands were
shaking, but she looked into my eyes. Her brown ones were mostly black from her pupils taking over.
Do you know how long Ive thought about this, Arrow? she questioned.
Her chest rose and fell while I searched her eyes. I let go of her hand, my silent acceptance of her
to do whatever the hell she wanted. Briar wanted to touch me? I was going to let her.
She went to work undoing both the button and zipper then sliding her hand inside. She found my
hard dick and wrapped her tiny hand around it. Fuck. She freed me from my boxer briefs by pushing
the waist of them down and pulling my dick over them. Her hand moved up and down slowly, she
watched her hand making the movement which only served to turn me on further. The tip of my dick
was covered in pre-come in no time. I closed my eyes for a moment, enjoying the smoothness of her
palm. But while my eyes were closed, I felt the wet tip of her tongue flick against the head of my
cock. My eyes flew open and hips jerked from surprise.
Briar, I groaned, full of lust.
I leaned back. I shouldve stopped her; this wasnt just a step too far, this was a leap! Yet I
couldnt. Her scarlet lips wrapped around me and being the selfish man that I was, I rested against my
seat and watched her mouth suck me off. Her hair fell in waves around her, hiding the way I slid
deeper into her. I picked her hair up and held it in a messy knot at the back of her head. Her right hand
wrapped in a fist around the base of my dick and moved with her mouth in a fast pace motion. I didnt
assist her movement, because the way she was going at my cock was going to have me spilling into
her mouth in no time.
My balls drew tight, painfully tight, and my dick swelled slightly larger.
Im going to come, I said quickly.
Fuck me. She quickened her pace for three more pumps; I came in her mouth as she slowed her
tempo, swallowing each drop.
Her mouth left a red mess of gloss around my sensitive skin. Not wanting to wipe off the
evidence of Briars head being in my lap, I tucked my dick into my pants without cleaning off. She sat
back and smiled shyly at me.
Where have you been all my life, I tried joking but was so out of breath it sounded ragged.
Where you left me Greenville. She tried to sound carefree, but I sensed a deep ache that
matched my own about our missed time together. The silence between us grew, the heavy breaths
calming into light gasps of air. What are we doing? Briar questioned in a raspy voice.
I looked over at her. Her eyes were closed and one hand was clenching the bottom of her skirt.
I think we were getting each other off, I answered lightly.
No really she said more seriously.
Look at me, Briar. She peeled open her eyes and looked at me. I took her face in my hands and
kissed her top lip then her bottom. I leaned my forehead against hers and kept my gaze on her. I think
were playing catch up on all the things that should have happened years ago.
She smiled weakly, but I continued. It shouldve always been you and me. Never Darcy. Never
Lacey. No one else. You and me.
We arrived late to the concert. The band played decently, not great, but the company was good
enough that I couldve been at a Nora Jones concert and wouldve enjoyed it. Every time Briar took a
pull from her beer I saw the bottle as my dick and grew hard all over again. Her hair had a wild look to
it, slightly messy from my hand being wrapped up in it. I couldnt look at her and not see what we did
in my truck. Id be reliving that moment over and over again in my head.
When the night ended with me dropping off Briar, part of me wanted to take her back to my place
and see just how far we could make this go tonight. But we werent ready for that. That haunted look
still hid in the depths of her eyes, and the only way wed be able to get closer was to find out what
exactly put that deep-rooted pain there. I had a sick feeling that it all had to do with me, and that Id
have to fight like hell to get her to open up about it.
But I was a warrior. I fought until the end. And if fighting were the only way I could win this
battle between Briar and me, then Id fight like hell until there was no more fight left to give.
My life felt like a stage five hurricane beginning to brew. Even as I laid in the softness of my off
brand new down comforter, I couldnt begin to calm the nervous warnings going off every few
seconds inside of me. I pictured Arrows fingers moving inside of me, a feeling I had looked forward
to and wanted from the time I was a teen. Just as quickly, I remembered the time Arrow nearly kissed
me and then stopped. All those memories, new and old, struggling for attention, begging me to
remember them. My mouth around his swollen cock. Seeing him making out with Darcy. The kiss
against his truck. The time I walked in on him having sex. Arrow chasing me out of the bar. Him
leaving me and marrying Lacey
If history repeated itself, then wasnt I just waiting for another blow to my system? In my mind I
sat in a house near the ocean, watching the hurricane coming closer and closer to land. It would no
doubt cause destruction to my home and everything around me, yet I sat there doing nothing to
prevent myself from being injured.
Did I learn nothing from my past? Had I not been through enough with Arrow to predict exactly
how this would end? It was simple. Arrow and I would play this cat and mouse game.
I felt like I had already caught him. I felt like he belonged to me, and that I was his. But thats not
really how it works is it? Just because I wanted something didnt mean Id have it. If that were the
case, Arrow would have been mine long ago. Instead, Arrow was a sly beast. He never meant to hurt
me, no; a natural disaster is never intentionally ruining the lives of the people in its path. But Arrow
worked his way into every miniscule atom of my body, and right when I started to get comfortable,
started to believe everything would work out, those atoms would explode.
It happened every single time. Arrow always chose someone over me. Always. First Darcy, then
Lacey. The first one wounded me, but the second one demolished me.
You cant sit in the path of a deadly storm coming your way and expect to make it out unscathed.
Physically, I felt ill. My muscles felt used up and weak. It was a mistake to allow Arrow into my
life so easily and quickly. Loving him was a disease; the single most painful thing I could do. Yet I
did it anyway.
I had difficulty falling asleep when I knew each day was going to be hard for a long while. I had
to pull away from Arrow before he destroyed me. It was only a matter of time before I lost him again.
Guilt sat on my chest knowing how confused Arrow would be by my sudden change. My lack of phone
calls and texts would seem strange and distant. Hed wonder what he did wrong, if we went too far, if I
lost my mind. Answering those questions wouldnt be simple. He didnt do anything wrong, but I
knew he would move on to someone different than me.
We did go too far. Yes, I wanted him badly, so badly that I couldnt keep myself from touching
him and letting him touch me, but it was another knife to my heart, another perfect memory of Arrow
that would eventually be the cause of tears when he found someone else.
Have I lost my mind? He would think so. Eventually, hed be grateful that I ended us before he
could.
My last thought as my eyes closed was that sometimes love wasnt enough. Sometimes the
massive earthquake of your past was so harmful that you could still feel the aftershocks years later.
Arrow was my earthquake, my natural disaster. He was beautiful when calm and magnificent when he
erupted, but he took me down in his explosive path.
The next few days I stayed busy at school. I kept on working well past class hours. When Arrow
called, I rejected it and sent a quick text explaining that I would be incredibly busy with work for the
next week.
After the week ended and I still refused to answer his calls, his texts became angry and frustrated.
He didnt relent. Every morning I received messages asking if I was busy that evening. Then by the
middle of the day, when I hadnt responded, he got noticeably agitated.
Afraid that Arrow would be at my apartment when I got there, I took the chicken way out and
drove to Darcys instead. I didnt tell her what was going on because I knew she wouldnt agree with
my way of thinking. Instead, I told her I missed her and needed some friend time. She brought up
Arrow, but I moved the conversation to her and the new guy she started dating. She was smitten with
Greg, the man she was lip locked with at Millers party.
By the time I made it back to my apartment it was nearly two in the morning. Stuck to the front
door was a small note with my name written at the top in a scroll I recognized as Arrows.
Briar,
Ill be back tomorrow, the day after that, and the day after that until you open the damn door. Is this because of what
happened in the truck? Talk to me, Briar. Come over and we can figure all of this out. You know theres no pressure, right?
We can take a few steps back if were moving too fast. But if you continue running, Im just going to have to keep chasing.
Im frustrated but Im yours,
Arrow
At the very bottom he listed his address and quick directions.
With a loud sigh I locked the door and went to my closet to search for a box that I hadnt dared to
open in years. It rested at the bottom of a dresser drawer. I pulled out the wooden box with cheesy
stickers from my teen years stuck all over the front and sides. Inside was a different story. The box
held different colors of paper: some were small, and others were full sheets. Letters were inside of
envelopes, and others had silly drawings on them.
I started to add this one to the collection, but hours later I still sat on the carpet of the bedroom
floor, skimming through each one of them. Arrows letters in high school were funny, teasing, and had
me laughing. The few I had from when he was in boot camp were more difficult for me to get through.
Mostly, I read the lyrics at the top of the pages and let my eyes drown in tears, words blurring in front
of me. I ran the tips of my fingers along the indentations of where his pen once pressed against the
paper, recreating each word.
Obviously I was a glutton for punishment. I slid his newest letter on top of the rest and slammed
the top shut. I was going about this wrong. Ignoring him without explaining why wasnt fair to either
of us. It was childish, the easy way out.
I picked up my phone, debated on calling him, and decided that hearing his voice wasnt the best
thing for me when I was still weepy over all the letters Id been reading. He would detect the sorrow in
my tone. Hed know I was crying and would come over, demanding to have the conversation sooner
rather than when I was actually prepared for it. I sent a quick text, praying hed simply send one back
and didnt call me.
Me: Free tomorrow? Ill come over.
Arrow: See you then. Ill be here all day.
The smell of tequila wafted strongly as I poured a hefty amount into my orange juice and ice.
Why couldnt this be easier? Why couldnt I stop caring about him? Why did it feel like, while trying
to protect my heart, I was breaking it even more? I needed to stop by his place, tell him we couldnt be
together, and explain that it would never work, then turn around and walk away.
When I awoke the next morning cringing, I moved around the small apartment cleaning, re-
cleaning, showering, brushing my teeth twice, getting dressed, stripping out of the clothes, and
putting something else on. Get a grip. Half the day passed in a whirl. My phone went off more than
once with Arrows name flashing across the screen. He left voicemails which I listened to on
speakerphone as I paced around my living room. His gravelly voice echoed off the empty walls.
Eventually, my mood turned angry. The past came to an ugly head. All the times Arrow
shouldve chosen me! All the times Arrow couldve contacted me! The fact that he deleted and
blocked me from his pages, got a new cell phone number, didnt even bother to contact me when he
came back from Afghanistan to tell me he was okay. The way he made me fall completely, madly, un-
fucking-conditionally in love with him and then tossed me to the side like I was some worthless piece
of trash instead of the best friend who adored him with every molecule, every atom, every single piece
of matter that created me
In a mess of rage, I marched into my bedroom and grabbed the box with his letters that meant the
world to me and were meaningless to him. I snatched the car keys off the coffee table and drove
insanely fast to the address he gave me. I arrived there in no time, knocking hard enough on the door
that my knuckles turned crimson.
When Arrow opened the door; his eyebrows drew together like he was ready to holler at me,
scold me for not speaking to him all week; I lost it. I shoved the box of letters into his chest. The
action caught him off guard, and he took a few wide steps backward, trying to get a good hold of the
object in his hands. Instead, the box fell to the ground, scattering hundreds of sheets of paper across
his floor.
I mustve looked insane as I kicked at the pile continuously.
What is this? What are these? Arrow looked down.
What are these? I screamed in the middle of a humorless laugh. Its every letter you ever
wrote me. Arrows eyes were saucers. Im sick and tired of living in the past, Arrow. So here I
slid the toe of my shoe underneath the pile, again, and kicked them up in the air. Heres a shit ton of
memories for you. I dont want them anymore!
Stop! What the hell are you doing? Arrow yelled. I ignored him and slew the pages across the
carpet; I heard the harsh sound of paper ripping.
You son of a bitch! I screamed, leaning down, picking up a handful of his letters, and wadding
them up. I threw them at his feet.
Briar! Calm down! His voice rumbled loudly in the small space that could barely constitute as
a living room.
How could you? I questioned. My hands formed fists at my sides, arms straight and taut. The
adrenaline caused my entire body to shake in small tremors.
What are we talking about? He moved towards me, arms outstretched like he was preparing to
touch me.
Dont you come any closer, Arrow! I took a step back.
You need to explain this to me right now Now, he demanded, his voice taking on a serious
and low quality.
I laughed hysterically but humorlessly, crazed, insane, lunatic. I felt like all of those things, but I
was past caring. I felt like a volcano ready to spew my lava and flames angrily.
You want to know why I stopped writing you, Arrow? I didnt wait for his answer. Because
you were killing me! Knowing you wrote Lacey, that you probably wrote these long and elaborate love
notes I couldnt take it! I couldnt take it! I took a menacing step towards him. Actually lets take
a step back, I said in a deathly tone. Why did you leave me in that room, asleep, at the party our
freshmen year of high school? Huh? And then go out into that living room and make out with my best
friend? Thats the worst kind of cruel I shook my head, thinking about what I wanted to address
next. Then you dated her all through high school. Am I crazy, Arrow? Because half the time I
wouldve sworn there was something bigger between us. I would have placed a bet on the fact that you
led me on! Arrows mouth hung open, his eyebrows pulled together. Then Lacey! Lacey Do you
know how much I loathe that name? I smiled cynically. You slept with her that night of your going
away party and guess what, Arrow? Take a guess Never mind, let me tell you I wouldnt even let
Killian kiss me that night because I wanted you! I hadnt finished, but suddenly Arrow was in my
face.
You wanted me? I find that hard to believe, Briar. Here you are spitting all this venom, making
me out to be the bad guy. You want to know all those answers? Here you go, babe. The word babe
sounded more like a hurtful name than a pet name. I was a stupid fifteen year old at that party. I
wasnt thinking, I was asked to join their little game. After our talk in that bedroom, I knew I didnt
want to take the chance of losing your friendship. If that meant I couldnt put the moves on you, then I
was willing to keep it simply friendly. When you didnt say anything to me about Darcy, I assumed
you didnt have feelings besides friendship for me anyway. I always wanted you, Briar. Every. Single.
Day. Seeing you in school, after school, seeing you with Kai: it was torture. He gripped my
shoulders, making it impossible to move away. His heavy breaths filled my nostrils with the scent of
spicy tobacco. I hated that I loved it. You showed up at my party with another guy. What was I
supposed to think? To me, it looked like you were plenty happy with Killian. What wouldve been the
point of me not moving on? You didnt want me; Lacey did. How was I supposed to know that Killian
was just there as a filler in a place I was supposed to be? His eyes clenched and then reopened. I
thought I was good at reading you, Briar, but how was I supposed to read how upset you were about
Lacey when I was miles away? You didnt tell me. You didnt say a word. The letters stopped coming.
Thats all I knew. There was no reason. Everything he said felt like a mixture of salt and balm being
rubbed directly to my open wounds. Some of what he said hurt and burned, while some coated and
healed.
I shoved his chest trying to free myself from his grip. Let me go, Arrow, I said somewhat
calmly.
No. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me where you were when you were supposed to be
at my graduation, he inquired. Where. Were. You? he bit out.
The only people that knew I flew to see him were my parents, Killian, and Lacey. I would bet a
million dollars that Lacey never told him that little tidbit. Killian couldnt have, and my parents would
never make it a point to talk to him.
My voice cracked when I tried to answer. The pain wasnt a distant memory. I still remembered
exactly how it felt when my soul shattered. Its impossible to forget an ache that you feel the echoes
of every day. I didnt want to cry in front of him today, because if I started I wouldnt stop. It would
be sobs wrecking my body. I wouldnt have another melt down because of Arrow.
Tell me, he demanded. God, just tell me. His eyes looked glassy, aggrieved. His hands
tightened on my shoulders.
I was there! I bellowed in a tearful cry.
What? His hands dropped to his sides, his eyes wavered away from me, around the room. I
looked for you; you werent there, he said in disbelief.
I was late. By the time I got there, your graduation was over. As soon as I got out of the taxi I
saw you standing there with Lacey. You were really happy, Arrow. My hands were at my chest trying
to put pressure on my heart that ached. I knew when I saw her wrapped in your arms kissing you - I
knew you would never be mine. You didnt need me there. I wasnt wanted there. So I left.
You were there? he asked again. His hands tried gripping at the short hair on his head.
Yeah. My shoulders fell forward in defeat.
Ive spent nearly a decade believing that you didnt come. Arrow moved towards me. His face
changed from the mix of anger and confusion he wore since I arrived to a look of longing.
What are you doing? I held my hands up to keep him a safe distance away from me.
Im going to kiss you now, he stated, moving my hands out of the way.
No, youre not! Im not done yet. I moved my head to the side so he couldnt reach my lips.
Once his lips touched mine I knew I would be under his spell.
His hands came up and cupped my cheeks in the way that he always did when he wanted my
attention. What now? He looked deeply into my eyes.
Why didnt you call me when you came back from Afghanistan? Do you know how worried I
was? I thought you were going to die.
Briar, even if I thought you wanted to hear from me I wouldnt have called you.
I staggered backward like he slapped me, because thats what it felt like: a hit to my gut.
Dont look like that. Youre killing me. I cant stand that look in your eyes. He tried to wipe
the tear from my cheek, but I shoved his hand away. I wasnt the kind of man anyone needed to be
around, he explained, but I was still confused.
What?
I wasnt right in the head when I came back. Hell, Im still not. What I went through in
Afghanistan was the shit nightmares and horror flicks are made out of. I refused to see a therapist.
Instead, I self-medicated with drugs. The look on his face was regretful.
Drugs? What kind of drugs? I questioned, my voice rising.
You name it; I did it. Im not proud of the things I did. Its why I decided to move back here.
After I was honorably discharged, I didnt know what I was going to do. The drugs took over. It wasnt
until a year later that I realized just how bad Id gotten. I needed to get away from the people I was
surrounded by there. If I kept down that rocky path, I was going to kill myself. He looked distant, like
he was remembering his time in California.
I couldve helped you. I wouldve been there for you, I argued. Imagining Arrow in the kind of
pain that would lead him to drugs, knowing he went through unforgettable, unimaginable events when
he was deployed made me want to hold him, want to go back in time and make sure he knew he wasnt
alone.
I wouldnt have let you help me. His hands came up and ran through my hair, down my arms
until he held my hands in his. There were too many times to count where I wanted to call you. But
Briar, I didnt want you to see the man Id become. I was disappointed in myself. I knew you would be
too. I couldnt stand the thought of you thinking less of me. A single tear escaped his left eye.
The wetness of it coated my thumb when I wiped it away from his stubbly cheek.
I wouldnt have thought less of you, Arrow. I wouldve hurt for you, but I wouldnt have judged
you.
Big, sopping, wet tears were making tracks down my cheeks. I touched the scar on the side of his
eye and then moved my finger across his lips. I cant imagine living in a world that you dont exist
in. The wavering of my voice continued, Not having you in my life was one thing, but you not
walking on this planet while I did: unacceptable.
I lifted up on my tiptoes, wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his head down. Tell me I
get to keep you for myself, Arrow. Tell me that I wont have to live without you ever again, I
whispered against his mouth, not quite touching.
His eyes met mine. Youll be lucky if I let you out of my sight. He promised. Then his lips
closed the distance between us.
Never in my life have I been consumed by an overwhelming, all-encompassing, burning passion.
Unable to handle the truth behind our past, the knowledge that Briar loved me like I loved her, that she
had flown to see me only to have her heart broken, I needed to lose myself in her.
She matched my fervor, kissing me with ardor and enthusiasm. I had my hands under the edge of
her shirt, pulling it over her head in one swift movement, my hands at the button of her jeans. Once I
had both the fastener and zipper undone, she pulled away enough to push her jeans down her legs. She
kicked the fabric to the side and stood straight, breathing heavily, eyeing the clothes still on my body.
She walked up to me slowly. I noticed black ink on her rib cage but couldnt make out the words.
Her hands slid beneath my blue t-shirt, the coolness of her palms connecting with the heat of my
abdomen. There was so much of her that I wanted to see, to touch with the tips of my fingers and
watch her react to the pressure. But the cursive words below her left breast continued to draw my
attention.
Grabbing her left arm, I lifted it so I could turn her enough to see the scroll. The words written
down her side caused a tightening in my chest. She looked at me timidly, a small shrug raising her
shoulders. I recognized the lyrics from Dear God. It was from the second verse, right after the first
time the chorus plays. She had the very last two lines of that verse written in letters that bled together.
I reached behind me, grabbed the collar of my shirt, and pulled it over my head unhurriedly. I
saw a flash of pain in her brown eyes when she saw the scars that decorated my front. Thats not what
I wanted her to see though. I turned around at a hesitant pace.
The loud intake of breath from Briar made my shoulders tense for a moment, but then I chanced a
look over my shoulder. She had a hand covering her mouth as she read the words printed from the top
of my back all the way to the top of my ass.
When did you get that? I inhaled when her fingers slid down the expanse of my back.
A couple years ago when I came back from Afghanistan. I turned around, wanting her to see me
as I said the next words. You were always with me, Briar. I told you when I left that this was for you,
that every time I listened to it I would be thinking of you. A tear rolled down her cheek and fell from
her chin. It was my silent way of saying you were always there. Every day. It took a few hours of
sitting in an uncomfortable tattoo bench, the sting of the needle moving across my skin a welcomed
relief, each word of Dear God flowing out of the ink gun into my skin, imprinting the lyrics
permanently, a mirror image of the girl permanently residing in my soul.
Not another word was spoken. She didnt ask about the scars expanding from the highest part of
my pectorals leading down to the spot right below my belly button. Some of the thickened skin looked
like cross stitches along my body. The new flaws of my skin didnt embarrass me, but I certainly
didnt enjoy the memories that came to mind when I looked in the mirror and saw the puckered areas.
Briar lightly traced the thickest scar of them all, the one that bled to the point that I feared I would
lose my life. As she trailed slowly across it her lips pressed to the circular bullet hole on the right side
of my chest.
She took her time and perused each imperfection with her lips. My gaze stayed glued to her as
she moved lower until she was on her knees, kissing the very last scar. She fumbled with the belt
buckle around my hips, unclasped my jeans and pulled them down, taking my boxer briefs with them.
The warmth of her mouth wrapped around my dick brought a moan from my lips. She took me
deep into her throat. Once, twice. When she pulled back, I grabbed the back of her hair and stopped
her from continuing her motion.
No more. I pushed the hair out of her eyes. Come here. She stood back up on shaking legs.
I curled a finger around the center part between the cups of her bra and drew her closer to me.
Once her body pressed against mine, I took her mouth with mine, walking her backward until we
reached the open door of my bedroom. I didnt bother closing the door behind us because no one else
lived here.
My hands devoured her body, touching every inch of bare skin and then roaming the areas still
covered by her underwear. I wanted her naked and as much as I wanted to be the one to strip her of the
clothing. What I really wanted was to be able to take in every hill and valley as she stood nude in front
of me.
I slowed the kisses. They were still deep, her tongue meeting mine in between our lips. I pulled
away and stepped towards the bed; she frowned and quirked her head to the side in confusion.
Stand there, I told her. Strip for me, I demanded.
Her eyes expanded, her fingers twisting and cracking each other in front of her. The nervousness
she felt reflected in the small actions I recognized from our teen years. Id rather you do that, she
said softly, taking a step towards me.
I smirked in assurance. Briar, I want to see all of you, and I cant do that if Im the one taking
off your clothes.
She squirmed noticeably, refusing to meet the heated look in my eyes. She looked down at my
chest and then stared at the hardened length of my dick.
Her throat worked up and down, swallowing. She wet her lips with the tip of her pink tongue.
Chuckling, I brought her attention back to me.
Youve had your chance to look at me. Now I want mine.
Her eyes fluttered closed, and her chest rose and fell as she reached behind her and unhooked her
bra. She peeled the navy piece of clothing down her arms and let it drop to the ground near her feet. I
browsed her body carefully: the roundness of her breasts, the pink peaks that I wanted to take into my
mouth and suck until they puckered in between my lips. Her thumbs tucked into the sides of her laced
panties. She shimmied them down, her back bending forward as she removed them from her legs.
She stood back up, clearly fighting the desire to hide behind her hands and arms, but she kept her
tanned arms to her sides and slowly opened her eyes. My dick grew harder at the bare skin between
her legs. Why she would ever feel the need to hide the beauty of her skin was beyond me. She was
perfection, stunning, better than a man could ever ask for. Her breasts were large and natural, her
waist thinner than it used to be. Her waist lead to wide hips that made my mouth water.
I already knew she had a nice ass by the way her pants hugged her and from what I remembered
of her underwear run down the hallway all those years ago. I loved the way her hips flared out like a
Greek painting in a museum. Women never seemed to appreciate the true beauty of hips. I imagined
my hands holding tightly to the sides of her ass as I sank deep inside of her.
Though I wanted to touch her skin, I held back, wanting to make everything perfect. You should
never lack in confidence, Briar. Youre the most beautiful woman Ive ever laid eyes on. She must
have noticed the seriousness of my voice, because her back straightened and a shy smile quirked the
tips of her lips upward, softening her face.
Lay down on the bed, I commanded gently. She raised one of her delicate eyebrows but
sashayed over to the bed, climbed into the center and lay down on her side.
We kept smiling at each other like virgins about to have sex for the first time. There was no way
the smile was going to come off my face anytime soon. I put a knee down on the cushion of the bed
and slowly made my way to her legs. She turned onto her back; her knees pressed together, and she
looked down at me. I put a hand on her left knee intending to pull it apart from her other leg.
Wait, dont forget the light, she spoke quickly.
I nearly laughed. Are you out of your mind, woman? I pushed her legs apart and settled myself
between them so she couldnt close them tightly back together. I splayed my hands across her
stomach.
I like the light off, her eyebrows drew together.
Too damn bad. I moved the tip of my pointer finger in small circles around her concave navel.
Do you know how many times Ive played this scenario in my head? Try every day since I was
fifteen years old. No way am I going to miss out on the way your body writhes underneath mine or the
look on your face when I make you come. Her hips tipped upward with my words.
Ive thought about it too, she whispered; her rosy cheeks with the combination of her dark eyes
drove me mad.
I moved further down the bed so that my face aligned with her pussy. I felt her legs tense at my
shoulders. With the thumb and forefinger of my right hand I opened her up. Her pussy was bare, pink,
and glistening. I blew on the swollen clit, causing her hips to jerk. Want to know why else the lights
are staying on? I didnt wait for her answer. I like to see what Im eating. I flicked my tongue
across her clit and looked up her stomach, taking delight in watching her eyes roll backward and her
head fall against the pillow.
I want you to come with your legs wrapped around my neck, I said against the bare, wet flesh.
Chills trailed down her thighs. And then I want you to come around my dick with your legs around
my waist.
I ran my tongue over every bit of flesh in front of me. Her soft moans grew louder the closer she
came to releasing. The sweet flavor of her slid along my taste buds. The skin was as soft as silk
against my mouth, warm and tender. I slid my tongue inside of her, rubbing her clit with my thumb as
I moved my tongue in and out in a fast paced rhythm. Then I switched and glided two fingers inside of
her, pumping in and out and sucked on the swollen nerves. Her hands flew to my head, her nails biting
into my scalp as she tried to grip onto my hair. Knowing she was close, with my free hand I took her
thigh and laid it on my shoulder. She followed suit and put her other leg on the opposite one.
The shaking of her legs rattled the entire upper half of my body. She came with a loud moan,
followed by a raspy version of my name. I placed a small kiss on her lower lips and then moved up her
body, pressing my lips and running my tongue along the skin I came in contact with. When I came to
her tits, I held myself up on my left arm and drew her right nipple into my mouth, rotating between
nibbling and sucking on the rosy peak. With my right hand I took her other nipple with my fingers and
rolled the tender skin between them.
She writhed beneath me, her hands trailing roughly down my back. I kissed the area between her
breasts and moved up to her neck, sucking lightly on the skin that held the strongest scent of her sweet
perfume.
Her hands were beginning to get greedy; they moved in between us and went down until one of
her hands wrapped around my dick, pumping me. I moaned into her neck and bit down on the flesh
leaving a light red tint there.
Moving my right hand down, I wrapped my hand around hers and moved my cock over to the
heat between her legs. I rubbed the head of me against the damp flesh of her. She tilted her hips up,
nearly causing me to slide inside of her. I pulled back and looked into her eyes.
You want this, right? I asked her, moving both of our hands away from my dick. I took both of
her hands, one in each of mine, our fingers curling together, and lifted them above her head.
She nodded, the dimples in her cheeks deepening with a grin.
I took her mouth with mine and rocked my dick slowly into her. I squeezed her hands tightly and
pressed them into the bed. I stopped when I was a few inches inside of her, enjoying the tightening of
her walls around me. We moaned together when I fitted myself completely inside of her. I kept my
eyes on her face as I began thrusting. Her nostrils flared slightly, her mouth parted showing her top
front teeth. I could only see a small slit of her irises peeking from underneath heavy lids.
As my hips pushed me inside of her, I watched, completely mystified by the hills of her face.
Remembering the night in the hotel room, I kissed her forehead, moved to the bridge of her nose, the
pert point, then to one side of her mouth, and then the other. She opened her eyes as I held my lips just
a breath away from hers.
If my phone rings, I promise not to answer it. God, this woman was perfect. I made love to her
mouth while working her to the point of ecstasy. Her legs wrapped around my waist, her feet pressing
against my ass. I slowed my pace and rocked against her clit until she came around me. The muscles
inside of her were soft, but their grip on me was strong as she quaked around me. When her walls
loosened, I drove into her two more times and held myself deep inside her pussy as I came long and
hard. I pulled out of her slowly; her body shook in my arms. Collapsing the bottom half of me on top
of her and holding the upper part of me up with my elbows situated on either side of her head, we
stared into each others eyes. I couldnt be sure what ran through her mind, but I knew I felt like it had
been a long time coming. For the first time in my life, I felt satiated, utterly complete. Everything I
wanted lay beneath me.
Her eyelashes skimmed the tops of her cheeks every time she blinked; the chocolate brown of her
eyes bore into the lighter caramel color of my own.
Wow, she muttered, bending her knees, resting the soles of her feet on the bed by my sides.
Yeah. Wow. Truth or Dare? I asked, smiling down at her sweat-matted hair.
Her lips puckered as she considered. Well since I dont plan on moving anytime soon, Ill go
with truth.
Everything you imagined it would be? I ran my hand over the hair sticking to her forehead and
pushed it back away from her face.
Her stomach shook as she giggled. My imagination must not be all that great because that was
well you made my fantasies seem lame in comparison.
I made a humming sound in the back of my throat and wiggled my eyebrows at her. Fantasies,
huh? I wouldnt mind hearing about those in detail. She shoved my shoulder playfully.
I bet you would. The tips of her fingers started drawing different shapes along my back. I
kissed her cheek and then rolled onto my posterior side, pulling her with me so that half of her rested
on top of me. She held up her head with her left hand and made a path with her fingertips down my
chest. Her gentle touch was the opposite of the maiming that created the scars.
I fell asleep as her soft touches relaxed me into a comfortable slumber.
When I came over to Arrows I thought I was putting an end to us. I thought I finally had enough
of the constant back and forth between reliving the hellhole of our past and dreaming blissfully about
our endless possibilities. Never did I imagine my storm of furious emotions would turn into a wildly
passionate evening where the truths about both of us came to fruition.
We ripped back the bandages that simply covered our wounds and held them out to one another
saying, Heres what you did to me, and I want to know why. Each explanation applied the ointment
that would eventually heal all the deep slices we slashed into each other. Every stroke, every caress
from Arrow were like stitches binding my wounds together. Every moan, every sigh, every time he
muttered my name in a breathy whisper - that was when I finally felt whole again.
Arrow had been my whole life since I was fifteen years old, and now I felt like I was the same to
him. The way he embraced me, watched me, and examined every millimeter of my skin, the way his
smile spread from cheek to cheek, the way he pounded into me with what felt like love but also
unadulterated lust intoxicated me.
I was drunk on Arrow. The smell of his skin, the taste of his lips, the sensation of his body
rubbing against mine, the roughness of his chest hair below my fingers, the marks on his skin from the
war that told a dark story of the pain the man I loved had to overcome, all of it inebriated me.
For a long time I rested across his chest, my head pressed against the center near his sternum
where I could hear the strong beating of his heart. My arm flung haphazardly across his stomach.
Every time he inhaled my head moved up and then as the breath released Itd sink back down. It was a
constant rhythm that eventually put me to sleep.
I didnt wake up until I heard a low, deep whimper coming from Arrow. I tried to soothe him,
rubbing in a circular motion across his chest but that only seemed to make the small sound louder and
more frequent. I sat up, grabbed his shoulders and shook gently trying to arouse him from whatever
nightmare he lived in.
His eyes wouldnt open though. I shook harder, calling out his came, my voice growing shrill
with each passing moment.
Arrow! Arrow, baby!
He sat up, eyes springing open. He dove for the side table, opened the drawer and pulled out a
handgun. It all happened so fast that I didnt know what to do. I sat there, frozen, my hands up in front
of me, mouth gaping.
My heart beat rapidly, sweat droplets raced down my temples. No one will ever hurt me again. I
darted for the gun in the table next to my bed. Those fuckers wouldnt take one step towards me before
I blew their heads off their shoulders.
I took the safety off and searched the room using only my eyes, not making any sudden
movements or noises. My heart rate slowed, becoming normal as I came back to reality. No one was
here. No one was going to hurt me. I turned to my right and saw an angel staring wide-eyed at me.
Fear burned brightly in her brown eyes and shaking limbs.
Arrow? Her voice rang like soft music bringing me back out of my nightly hellhole.
Noticing the gun in my hand, I shook my head, begging the images to leave me alone once and
for all. A small click sounded when I reset the safety. I put the gun back where it belonged in the
confines of my end table.
Im sorry, I muttered, running my hands down my face. Jesus, that couldve gone wrong
quickly.
Briar scooted closer to me, her hands were up as she moved towards me. She wanted to touch me,
but she was moving towards me like I was a battered dog, hovering in the corner, prepared to attack in
any moment.
Briar Paige, I would never hurt you.
She smiled sadly but touched my shoulders. She was still naked, as was I. She crawled towards
me and sat in my lap, facing me.
Does this happen often? She rubbed my scalp gently, calming my erratic nerves.
Only when I forget to take my sleeping pills, I explained.
Are the nightmares always the same? she inquired. Concern riddled her features. I draped my
arms around her waist, pulling her closer to me, finding consolation in her being near me.
Mostly.
Have you ever talked to anyone about them? she pushed. I knew the questions would end if I
asked her to stop, but I also knew what unanswered questions could do to our relationship. I hadnt
told anyone what happened in Afghanistan since I was forced to tell my commander about it. But I
wanted to tell Briar. I wanted her to understand a part of me that no one else really knew existed. She
needed to know what made me the man I was today: damaged and all.
No one since Ive been back in the states. Its not a happy story, Briar Its dark,
bloodcurdling. It still scares the living shit out of me every night that Im back in that evil place. I
looked into the face of the woman who kept me alive through every brutal type of torture I was put
through. When I was tied to that chair, when my body bled out, when the pain was too much, I saw her
face. I saw Briar laughing as I tightened my fingers on her ribs. I saw the green flecks in her eyes, the
curve of her body, the long drives we took. I would sing Dear God over and over in my head like it
was a prayer.
Briars arms rested on my shoulders. She rubbed the back of my neck, waiting for me to continue.
It all happened so fast. We were doing a walk-through, just checking up on the same areas we did
every night. A couple of the guys in my platoon were with me. I heard a shrill weeping coming from my
left. Searching for the sound, I came across a kid laying down on the dusty ground, curled into the
fetal position, crying out like he was in miserable pain.
I didnt handle it the way I shouldve. I didnt take watch of what was around us. Instead I ran. I
took off and fell to my knees next to the little boy. He didnt understand my questions, our language
barrier making it harder for me to help him. I pulled his hands away from where they wrapped around
his legs and saw blood leaking out of a deep cut in his thigh. Quickly, I tore the bottom part of my t-
shirt off and started binding the wound tightly, trying to slow the loss of blood. I carefully put one arm
behind his knees and the other behind his neck, lifting him off the ground and preparing to take him
back to our base where he could be helped.
When I started to rise and call to my brothers, there was a crunching sound from behind me,
someone walking. I assumed it was one of us. But it wasnt. Before I could turn around, I was hit over
the head. I assumed with a gun, but really I had no clue. It couldve been anything. It knocked me out
cold.
I woke up to the metallic smell of blood. My eyes still closed, my body overwhelmingly heavy, a
headache pulsing painfully from one end of my skull to the other. The feeling of rope tied around my
wrists and ankles is what made the warning signs start blaring. I opened my eyes and looked around
my perimeter. A couple of my comrades were in the same position as me. I noticed Rodriguez was
starting to wake. It seemed they were all still alive but hurt. I looked down at where I was detained. I
sat in a thick, splintered wooden chair. It had dried blood painting the lumber a deep red. Slivers of
the snarly chair stuck into my skin, causing droplets of red to seep out of my arms.
Rodriguez, I said as quietly as I could. The room was dim, wet, and there were no windows. It
looked like a cellar that old houses sometimes have, except worse because I knew this place was
haunted by real, living and breathing demons.
His eyes snapped to mine. He looked injured, but I couldnt see where. Still, it was anger I saw
simmering in his black eyes. Were getting the fuck out of here, his voice rumbled dangerously. I
nodded slightly. We were four Marines taken and tied against our will, but most importantly, we were
Marines. We were trained for worst case scenarios, and thats where we found ourselves. We would
get out of here all of us.
Connor and Gardner woke up about thirty minutes later when the slamming of a door jerked us
all into a straightened position.
Three different men walked into the room carrying various weapons. I recognized a few of them
but knew more were hidden in their waistbands and pockets.
They didnt speak English as far as I could tell. They didnt even ask us questions. They didnt
want anything in particular from us; they just wanted to make a point. At least, thats all I could
assume from their actions. When I looked into their eyes all I could see was hatred and bloodlust.
When the youngest guy pulled out a knife, thats when my rapidly beating heart stopped. Knives
are wicked in every sense of the word. People always assume guns are what cause the greatest
damage. But with a gun you knew what to expect: a bullet through the body. Youd either die, or you
wouldnt. Knives you could get more creative with. Its a sickening art that some take pleasure in,
creating broken images in blood on another mans body and thats what they did to us.
They took turns, making us watch as they terrorized one of our brothers: slicing down arms or
faces, sawing off three fingers from Connors hand. The sound of his screams still reverberated in my
mind at night. That sound, that awful sound as those fuckers laughed, as Connor hollered from the
unbearable pain. I threw up, my body heaving forward, but still my own sickness landing in my lap.
They came for me next. Rodriguez looked me dead in the eyes and said out loud, Go to that place
where they cant fuckin hurt you. Think about her, man. Im sure he was referring to my wife, but
shes not the woman who came to mind. I saw Briar.
I saw her running down that hallway nearly naked. The knife cut into my chest like I were made of
butter.
I thought of the time Darcy and I raced back to her house. She had Briar in the car with her and
tried to pull a bullshit move that, if I hadnt pulled back, wouldve gotten them both killed by crashing
into the semi in front of them. When we got to Darcys house I chewed her out while searching Briars
face, making sure she was okay. The blade slid down, burning the muscle in its path.
I could almost hear Briars laugh that disappears when shes giggling too hard. The knife was
removed from my body and then just as quickly pressed to my stomach. Grinding my teeth together,
groaning, I tried to keep from screaming, not wanting to give them the satisfaction.
What does she smell like? Rodriguez yelled at me, trying hopelessly to free me from the burn.
Blood slid down my throat from biting down on my lip. Sweet. Kind of like flowers, I groaned. I
threw my head back and shouted.
How did you meet her? Rodriguez continued.
High school, I bit out.
Youre going to see her again, hermano, he promised me, calling me brother in his native
language.
At the time I didnt believe him. I hadnt seen Briar in years, and I doubted she wanted to see me.
Ever. Sometimes bridges were too burned to go back in time and try to rebuild them.
The negative thoughts took me away from the paradise in my head and brought me back to my
reality. I looked down at my chest and saw the crisscrosses of blood gushing from my front.
Im going to get you out of here, he promised me again.
I thought they were done. The knife disappeared into someones pocket. But then one of the
assholes stepped forward, dumping a white powder into his hand. I looked down, seeing the crystal
like structures in his palms. Salt. He pressed the grains into the wound of my chest, grinding them
deeper into my body.
I screamed and thrashed in the chair. I couldnt take it! I couldnt fucking take it. I reared my
head back and aimed right for his forehead. I head butted him, knocking him out and onto his ass.
One of the other men came up and backhanded me across the face, causing my already bleeding
lip to break open further. They cursed at me in their language, taking turns punching and kicking me.
Even though the pain I felt was excruciating, staying in that hellhole another minute longer
couldnt happen. If we were there another day, I was sure wed die. I relaxed my entire body, closed
my eyes, and slumped forward, pretending to have passed out from their blows. I could only hope they
took advantage of the fact that I was out cold.
They did, like the weak pieces of shit they were. They untied me and tossed me roughly to the
ground. I opened my eyes slightly, just enough to see through a small crack, and eye who had the gun
in their waistband.
He stepped over me, each leg on either side of my torso. He leaned down and pressed his hands
onto my neck. I hit the inner side of his elbows which caused him to fall forward. I grabbed the gun
from his waistband and rolled him off of me. I didnt pause. I didnt think twice about what I had to do.
I blew a bullet through each one of their chests. One of them took two bullets when he continued to
come after me.
My adrenaline was pumping to the point that my pain became a distant memory. I didnt have
time to nurse my wounds. I grabbed one of the sharp blades they used on us and ran towards my
brothers. I sliced through the binding around their hands and feet.
We didnt have time to stall. There couldve been tens more of the men who had taken us. I
grabbed one of Connors arms and pulled it over my shoulder, helping him walk to the only door in the
room. He was in bad shape; they didnt wrap his hand after chopping off his fingers. If he didnt get
help soon, he wouldnt make it.
That fear pushed me forward. Rodriguez and Gardner searched the lifeless bodies for more guns.
They passed one to each of us; both of them took two.
Ill cover, Gardner said. He made his way out the door, his back pressed against the walls; he
looked around the corners, telling us when it was safe to go through.
We took off down a long corridor, stopping when Gardner told us too. We were careful to not
make a noise, but they had to have heard the gunshots coming from the other room. The only thing we
could hope was that they assumed it was their men doing the shooting.
We made it outside and into the desert heat. We werent too far from our station. We moved
quickly, trying to duck low but there was nothing for us to hide behind. The thundering of footprints
slapped against the dried floor behind us. They were on our heels. They were healthy, and we were
weak and injured.
I twisted around, firing at the six men coming towards us. One fell down, crying out and grabbing
his gut.
Shit! I hollered as my leg went out from underneath me. Blood seeped through the thigh of my
pants leg. I was hit. I pushed Connor to the ground, shoving him behind me so he wouldnt get hit.
Hed be lucky to make it with the wounds he already sustained. He wouldnt have a chance if he took
another hit. I fired at the guys running towards us. I hit some, but Rodriguez and Gardner were
shooting at them too. One of the terrorists was left standing. He looked me straight in the eye; his gun
pointed at me and my gun pointed at him. They went off at the same time. The blow to my chest
knocked me down. I laid flat on the ground, bleeding out, losing my life force. I could feel my life
leaving me. Before I passed out from loss of blood I had two thoughts: one, please God, let my
brothers get back safely and secondly, I was still crazy in love with Briar.
I blinked, looking at the wall over Briars shoulder. When I was telling her my story, about my
nightmares, about the reality of what happened to me back in Afghanistan, I had forgotten that I was
just telling her my story and that I wasnt personally back there all over again.
Arrow, Briar said softly, sniffling. Feeling numb and a little disorientated, I looked into her
eyes. I love you too, she cried. So, so much. She kissed me tenderly, sharing my pain, sharing my
fears, taking away the nightmares, and handing me my dreams. There was nothing else she could say,
and I didnt particularly want anything else. Hearing those words from her was incredible and felt like
a huge illusion. Her tenderness and love continued when she took me in her soft hand and guided me
inside of her. She moved up and down on me in measured movements. Her eyes stared into mine,
conveying the feelings neither of us could put words to. Ive always loved you, she said against my
lips.
Afterwards, she fell asleep, tucked against my body. I watched her sleep, the light flaring of her
nose, the pinkness of her cheeks, and the little twitches her eyes made. She was mine, finally, after
everything we had been through, after living separate lives somehow the roads lead us back to one
another.
Eventually, my eyes closed too. I slept for a few hours. It was not a deep slumber because I was
afraid Id awake again and scare her. After those hours, I shifted out from underneath her. She
stretched, her breasts slipping out from below the sheet. God, shes beautiful. I tucked the blanket over
her, not wanting to cover her body, but not wanting her to get cold either. I went to the bathroom to
take a quick shower and to think about the one last barrier standing between Briar and I having our
happily ever after. I didnt know how I was going to break down that barricade, but Id find the means
to do so. I had to.
It wasnt soft kisses or the feel of Arrow next to me that woke me like I wouldve liked. It was
the sting of a slap across my face.
My hand went to my cheek just as the hand pulled away, a loud scream left my mouth, and I sat
up, trying to grab the blanket from gathering at my waist. I only half succeeded. Standing off to the
side of the bed was a familiar face A blonde haired, blue eyed, scrawny, but irritatingly pretty
woman.
Lacey, I said in surprise.
You whore! she screamed. I always knew you were a home wrecking piece of trash! Sleeping
with my husband!
Perplexed, I stared at her, wondering what gave her the right to charge into her ex-husbands
apartment and talk to me this way. The stinging in my right cheek only served to tick me off more.
You mean ex-husband? Thinking that I had her, I said it in a calm tone.
Is that what he told you? she laughed. Instantly my blood turned to ice.
Arrow entered the room from the bathroom, running hastily and stopping when he saw Lacey in
his bedroom. His eyes went hard.
What are you doing here? He took a step towards me, trying to hide my naked body from view.
He peered over his shoulder. Briar, take your clothes and go get dressed in the bathroom.
I nodded, wrapping the sheet around my body, picked up my underwear from where it laid in the
bedroom, and then ran out to the living room to find the rest of my clothes. I rushed into the restroom,
pulling each piece of clothing on as quickly as possible, not wanting to miss out on what was going on
between Lacey and Arrow.
There was a cruel resonance when Lacey laughed at the idea of her being his ex-anything. But I
also wouldnt trust her as far as I could throw her which wasnt very far, if at all. Arrow, I could
trust and would trust. I tried not to jump to conclusions as I jogged back to his room. I stood outside
the door where neither of them could see me when I heard Laceys high-pitched words.
How does it feel to cheat on your pregnant wife? she asked him.
Pregnant? Wife? Pregnant wife . Legs shaking beneath me, I leaned against the hallway wall,
pinching my eyes closed, taking breath after breath, praying I heard wrong.
What do you mean pregnant? Arrow asked in an angry baritone.
You heard me. Youre going to be a daddy. Her voice was sickly sweet, dripping with syrup.
Dont worry baby. Ill forgive you for your little screw up. Our child needs us to be together.
Lacey, what in the fuck are you talking about?
I slid to the ground, my legs giving out on me. I drew my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms
around my legs, and laid my head on the bony joints. Tears were already soaking through my clothes.
Describing the utter devastation that I felt when hearing those words that Arrow was having a child
with another woman, that he seemed to still be married even though he told me they werent together,
was an impossible task.
How do I describe it when I just spent all night making love to the man who has owned me, heart,
body and soul, for as long as I can remember? When I listened to all the gory and unimaginable details
of what was done to him in Afghanistan? When I looked him in the eyes, he looked into mine, and I
saw both of us healing. I could feel him being stitched back together, because we were one.
At least, thats what I felt. I thought he felt that too. Now I questioned everything. Had everything
been a lie? He said they werent together; that was a lie. Was he lying about never telling anyone else
about what happened to him? Did he never tell Lacey? Was it all untrue? Purposefully deceiving so
that he could get me out of his system?
They either spoke quieter, stopped talking completely, or my brain stopped allowing their
conversation to resonate in my ears. I couldnt hear anything except my blood pumping. I couldnt
feel anything, not even my teeth gnawing savagely at my lower lip, trying to keep from screaming at
the top of my lungs.
In a span of ten minutes I went from complete happiness, from finally feeling whole, to the
devastation and massacre of my heart. I shouldnt have been surprised that Arrow was the one to break
me all over again. He did it so many times in our past that I should have been immune to the shock my
body went into. Yet, here I sat again, an absolute mess over the same man. We were doomed to this
slow burning dance. One minute of blissfulness, of laughter the next minute he took me down in a
massive explosion.
It was like dancing in the rain in the middle of a thunderstorm. The water soaked into the layers
of my clothing, but I didnt care. Theres unreserved freedom in throwing my arms out and letting the
beauty of Mother Nature seep into my skin. But theres also an incredible danger in that storm.
Theres lightening, tornadoes, and floods. But those are all the components of the storm, and those
were also all part of Arrow. He felt like rain on a particularly hot day: cooling, relaxing, soothing,
beautiful, and needed. But he was also the lightning that strikes down at your feet, making your heart
stop completely when you least expect it. He was the tornado whisking me off into his harsh winds,
tossing me around in this sickening circle, and then throwing me out in the midst of the chaos he
created. He was the flood; he drew me under with his current, never letting his hold go, and ultimately
causing my breath to seize.
I sat there, trembling like there was an actual cold rain falling on my skin. I dont know how long
I sat there, or how long Arrow shook my shoulders, chanting my name over and over again.
Briar, baby he pleaded.
I lifted my face from where it rested on my knees. I mustve looked just as tragic as I felt because
I could no longer feel the salt water leaking from my tear ducts. The warmth still ran down my face
and dripped from my chin.
I had to ask him one thing only one, and he needed to be honest with me. Slowly I rose from
my place on the floor. His hand helped guide me up even though I tried pulling away.
Is it true? I croaked out. Arrow, are you still married? Is she having your baby?
His Adams apple bobbed up and down when he struggled to swallow.
Tell her baby, Lacey said behind him. I didnt bother looking up at the snarly bitch behind him.
I stared at his eyes, daring him to meet mine and tell me it wasnt the truth. When his whiskey eyes
did look into mine, I knew the truth.
Technically were still married, he admitted with a wince.
I didnt plan my reaction. It wasnt a thought, it was a natural effect of those words that felt like a
hand digging into my chest and trying to rip the very organ that kept me alive out of my body. My
hand came up and slapped him across his face. The pink blossomed on his left cheek.
I wanted to believe the pain in his features came from his heart breaking like mine, but I
wouldve been lying to myself, again, like Ive done for the past eight years.
Lacey screamed at me, calling me names, but I didnt care. I already felt like the worst kind of
person by sleeping with a married man. I felt like a fool.
I wiped my eyes, stood straighter, and with all of the venom I could muster said, I hate you,
Arrow Donovan. The cracking of my voice made me wince, but the way Arrow recoiled at my words
hurt me worse. Still, I refused to take it back or apologize. He had hurt me enough.
I walked quickly to the living room, grabbed my purse, took one last look at the letters littering
the ground, at the man who had written those to me, said a silent, final goodbye, and left.
This time, Arrow didnt come after me.
Finding Briar the way I did Her sobbing silently into her arms, her body folded in on itself like
a seated fetal position. I didnt know how to fix what had happened. I wish I couldve gone back in
time. I knew when I was telling Briar that Lacey and I werent together that I wasnt being completely
honest. I knew she would take it to mean we were divorced. But that wasnt the case. I didnt consider
myself with Lacey anymore. I didnt want to be with her, and she knew it, too.
Not caring that Lacey stood inches from me, I fell to my knees and called out Briars name
repeatedly. I never saw her look so shattered, so oblivious to everything going on around her.
I prayed she would stick by my side, listen to what I had to say, wait for me, believe in me. But I
saw the pain there, shining brightly in her soulful brown eyes. I wanted to pick her body up off the
ground, carry her to the bed, and love her body and soul the way she deserved to be loved.
It wasnt the slap that hurt me. I deserved it. If Briar wanted to use me as her own personal
punching bag, I would have let her. No, it was the revulsion illuminating from her features. Then her
words those words, I hate you, Arrow Donovan.
Jesus. I wanted to fight like hell for her. But how could I fight for someone who despised me?
No. No. This was just one lost battle in a long war. I had to believe that even though we lost this round,
Briar and I would ultimately be victorious.
I wanted to go after Briar and force her to admit how much she loved me, to admit she only said
she hated me from anger and fear. I wanted to believe she couldnt hate me just like I could never
abhor her. And when I could, I would go after her. I would make her tell me the truth.
First I had to figure out what was going on with Lacey and get her to sign the divorce papers Ive
tried shoving down her throat for a year.
Lacey claimed to be pregnant, a few months along. I knew enough about pregnant women to
know most didnt show right away, so she could very well have been pregnant. But the numbers didnt
add up. Yeah, we still slept together a few times when I was in California even though I knew I didnt
want to be with her anymore, but she told me she was just over two months pregnant. I was almost
positive it had been a lot longer since we were together.
I left her in California when I came to the decision that I needed to get away from all the people
making my drug abuse easier rather than pushing me to seek help and become the man I wanted to be,
the man a woman could be proud to call hers. One of the choices I had to make was whether or not
Lacey was the sort of woman that would stand by my side, push me to grow, call me out on my
bullshit. Did I even want her to be that person for me?
The verdict was made when I realized the thought of walking away from her didnt break me; it
lightened the weight off my shoulders. I didnt relish the notion of coming home to her on a daily
basis. Our marriage wasnt well thought out, but instead a quick commitment we both made without
seriously considering what it meant. What made me propose? Fear.
Joining the Marines was frightening as it was, but doing it without having someone to come back
to wouldve been incredibly lonely. Most of us, not just in the Marines but all branches of the
military, married young. For some it was true love. You could see that in some of the guys. They
werent just getting married for shits; they were getting married because they knew they would
eventually marry that girl anyway. I got married, like others, because Lacey was there. She wrote me,
answered my calls, and wanted to be with me even through the distance.
There were good times between us, to be fair. She started out as my friend. We lost touch, and
then that night of my farewell party happened and it sort of took off from there. She got along with my
parents, she was a tiger in the sheets, and she was a looker. The only problem: she never owned me.
Not one bit of me belonged to her because I already belonged to someone else. Not to sound like a
dick, she wasnt my Plan A, and she never would be. There are few people in this life that when
someone says, If you had to pick one single person to spend every day with, every hour, every
minute, every damned second with for the rest of your life, who would you choose? that could answer
that question truthfully, without thought, without second guessing. I could do that. And her name
didnt start with an L.
We need to have a paternity test done. Now, I said coarsely to Lacey as I stared at the door that
slammed behind Briar.
The universe screwed us over again, and Lacey was going to receive the brunt of my anger from
it. The way she talked to Briar did not go unnoticed on my part, and there would be words had about
that.
Why? Youre the father, Arrow. She walked into my line of sight so I couldnt stare at the
place that last held Briar. All of this for her? Lacey made the her sound less than her, like a piece
of garbage instead of the woman I wanted in my bed and in my life forever.
Her name is Briar, and you know that, I grumbled. And I want a test done. Lets go. I grabbed
my coat from the hanger by the front door.
Lacey didnt move from her stance. She folded her arms across her chest and stood there staring
at me like I lost my mind. It doesnt work that way. Im not having the kind of test they do while the
baby is still inside of me. It isnt completely safe, and Im not taking that risk.
Shit. I couldnt very well tell her to do something that wasnt healthy for her child. It didnt
matter that not knowing if that kid was mine was ruining my chances with Briar; putting her baby in
jeopardy wasnt an option. Rubbing roughly at my eyes and beating a fist on my forehead, I tried to
think of what I could do.
I didnt think Briar would fault me for having a child with my wife before Briar and I even
reconnected. It would be difficult to get through. It would hurt like hell. I could only imagine the pain
that she felt hearing those words out of Laceys mouth. The ache in my chest grew as I imagined the
night spent with Briar. The night before had been the best night of my life with her, and we woke up to
a nightmare being delivered by the one person Briar couldnt stand. Shit, the mere idea of Briar having
a child with another man sent me into crazy town.
Maybe she wouldnt be able to get over that . My teeth grinded painfully together. How did I go
about explaining all of this to her?
Lace, you have to sign those papers I winced at the pleading quality to my voice. But I didnt
know what else to do besides beg her to let me go. She needed to sign her name, let me file the papers,
let us both move on and find the happiness we both deserved.
No, she said sternly. Why do you want to leave me for her anyway? Shes nothing, Arrow. All
shes ever been is an issue between us, cant you see that? she argued. She was throwing a fit like a
child. I half expected her to stomp her feet and throw herself on the ground.
Enough. The word was short, stiff and demanding. This isnt some game were playing,
Lacey. This is our lives were talking about. I marched up to her and looked into her blue eyes.
Arent you tired of being unhappy, tired of being married to someone who doesnt love you like they
should? And I cant, Lace I cant, and I never will. I watched the fat tears well in her eyes and then
spill over. Im not that person for you.
You havent given us a chance! she wailed. She gripped the roots of her hair and yanked. Why
wont you try to love me? Try to love me like you love her!
The sadness in my eyes was real. Lacey wanted to be loved; who didnt? And I did a shoddy job
of doing it for her. Thats the thing. I dont have to try to love her, I tried to explain. Ive tried to
stop loving her And you know what, babe? I cant do that either. I cant stop loving her any easier
than I can make myself love you.
The tears ran like black trails down her face; she wiped them away and stared intensely at me.
She eyed me up and down with cruel intention written all over her face. She wasnt going to make this
easy. Im not signing the damn papers, she said firmly, taking a step closer to my body. And go
take a shower. You smell like sex and her.
Briar! Her name is Briar! I smell like sex and Briar! I opened the door, checked my pockets for
my keys, and took off in my truck. I had enough; it was time to involve lawyers.
Days went by and I wasnt any closer to figuring out how to handle this disaster. I went back to
my apartment, walked quietly inside, and just prayed that Lacey had left. Luckily she wasnt there
long enough for me to grab a bag full of clean clothes and leave again without being noticed. I stayed
in a hotel down the street from the complex. I called a few different lawyers, but nothing could be
done without Laceys signature.
There was more of a chance of hell freezing over than of Briar giving me another shot as long as I
was still married to Lacey. Maybe if I could show Briar a copy of the agreement once it was signed
But before then? No way. But how would I talk a stubborn lady like Lacey into giving it up? I had no
clue.
More days went by, more money given to the hotel. The cost added up, and still I was lost on
where to go from here. Briar hadnt called; not that I expected it of her.
Stir crazy: thats how I felt being held up in this small room with a television that barely worked
and a bed that made high pitch squeaking noises every time I sat down on it. Sleep didnt come easy,
if at all. Id lie across the scratchy, hotel blanket which was probably from the seventies and think
about the night I had with Briar. I reminisced about tasting her, being inside of her, finally seeing
every inch of her soft skin that felt perfect underneath me. Every day that passed made that time with
her seem like a dream, a hallucination, like my psyche wanted it so badly that it made me dream up a
fantasy that seemed real. But theres no way my brain was capable of making me feel how I felt that
night in her arms when I was telling her my story, when I was making love to the only women that Id
ever make love to.
For the first time, I showed a woman exactly what I felt by tracing the freckles that were like
astrology signs in the sky, running a trail with my tongue to her erogenous zones, tenderly and then
passionately kissing her. How could she ever think that what was between us wasnt real? She was
everything. Damn it. She was everything.
Without much thought as to what I was planning to say to her or how shed react to me showing
up out of nowhere again I made my way to Briar. The only way to know what sort of war I was up
against was to actually see it with my own eyes. The clock told me she would probably be home from
teaching.
I took notice of her car parked closely to the door leading to her apartment. Taking a deep breath,
I jogged to her door, knocked, and waited. It took her a minute to get to the door; I could hear her
moving around on the other side. I didnt cover the peephole because I knew shed know it was me,
but I worried she would refuse to open up and let me in.
She didnt yell at me while the door was closed, she didnt cuss me out. Thats how I knew that
my Briar was even more hurt by all of this than I originally thought. That knowledge burned in my
chest like a hot cattle brand smoldering into my sternum.
She opened the door wide. I had a second to take in her disheveled look: bloodshot and dark bags
under her eyes, clothes that looked wrinkled and well worn. She wouldnt look at me. Instead her eyes
stayed trained on the ground at my feet. She stepped away, turning her back on me, and walked into
the living room. I assumed she wanted me to follow her, so I did, closing the door lightly behind me.
She sat on the couch, her elbows resting on her knees and her face hidden in the palms of her hands.
I heard the slight sound of her voice muttered behind her hands.
What was that? I asked quietly, feeling like I needed to whisper in the silence of the home.
Why are you here? she asked a bit louder, looking up at me. My voice caught in my throat. The
swollen puffs that used to be eyelids surprised me. She mustve cried before I arrived.
Briar, I said, pained.
What did you expect, Arrow? To come here and see me smiling and jumping for joy about you
being married and having a baby on the way with another woman? her voice cracked on a broken
laugh. You came here, okay? So if you want someone to make you feel better about what you did to
me, about lying to me, then you came to the wrong place. Now what do you want?
I want to talk. I want to explain this I inched closer to her. Her hands turned to fists in front
of her, and her body went tight. I stilled my movements.
Youve touched me enough, dont you think? she sneered.
Dont you dare make that night less than what it was, Briar Paige, I snarled.
She tilted her head back and looked up at the ceiling, chuckling in a way that told me she was
about to lay it into me. I dont think its possible to make the other night less than what it was. I
wanted to grab her hair and force her to look me in the eyes and say that to me again. How can it
mean anything except that youre a cheating son-of-a-bitch who took everything Ive ever felt for you
and used it to get me into bed?
Careful, I warned.
She ignored me and continued. Im the idiot. You may be a liar and a cheater, but Im the stupid
one. Shaking her head in disbelief, she finally met my glare. I was the one who, even when my gut
was telling me to run like hell, my heart got the best of me and told me to give you another chance. I
tried to tell myself that history wouldnt repeat itself, that wed finally get our chance - and that
chance was right now. But that was just wishful thinking wasnt it? Her voice was calm, which only
served to make me nervous and turn my blood to ice. The truth is Arrow, our chance was a long time
ago on the floor of the guys house our freshman year of high school. And that chance was thrown out
the door when you left me in that room and chose a different path.
Briar, thats not true, and you know it. We just keep running into road blocks, but if we stick it
out that fucking road will clear. I tried to take her hands in mine, but she pulled away like my touch
was a strike.
She smiled sadly, and my heart dropped into my stomach. We are in a constant state of
construction, Arrow. Theres no clearing out the road for us. Were the horrible accident that happens
in front of everyones eyes. You know the one that you see happening, but you cant stop it? Thats us.
We were bound to crash into each other. Were just those unlucky people who crash more than once.
The hair on my head was taking a beating; I pulled, tugged, yanked on the tiny strands that had
grown just long enough for me to get a hold of.
Briar, I love you, I admitted out loud to her.
She didnt say it back; she stared at me doubtfully.
I love you. I do, I began. I have these memories that have played over and over constantly in
my head like a song on repeat. They are all of you. You know whats absolutely insane? I bit down on
my thumb and looked at her sad face. When I think about my past, there is no Darcy or Lacey or any
other girl in between. Its just you. Its me wanting you but knowing that I cant have you. Pining,
always pining, for you. Her hands went to her ears to try to block out my words. Her face looked
pained, and her eyes closed tightly. Reaching up, I took her hands away from her ears. If youre tired
of lies, then you need to hear the truth, I said gently but forcefully. Youre it for me, Briar. Youve
been the girl I couldve, shouldve had, and Im so damn tired of not having you. Youre my past, my
present, and I hope to God youre my future.
Stop. Please just stop, she begged in a watery voice.
Briar, Ive been trying to divorce Lacey for nearly a year - ever since I almost died from
overdosing on drugs. When I woke up, I knew that she and I we would never be happy. I admit that I
slept with her before I moved back here, but Im also positive Im not the only man she was sleeping
with. I shouldnt have led you to believe we were already divorced.
Ya think? she bit out.
I ignored her sarcastic tone and continued. The point is she knows how I feel. Ive been sending
her the papers constantly, hoping that shell get tired of looking at them and just sign! She wont;
shes fighting me tooth and nail over this. As far as Im concerned, shes no longer my wife, and I
hope that soon I can make that legally recognized.
I took a breath, preparing for the next part, the part that probably hurt Briar the most.
Maybe I am this kids father, I said softly, looking down at my feet and then back at her. She
visibly slackened, her shoulder falling forward, crushed. I dont think I am, but maybe I am. Is that
going to be the final straw for you and me?
She didnt answer me. She looked at me, perused my face, shoulders, chest, and then looked
down at her fidgeting fingers.
Finally, I saw the slightest bit of emotion. She sniffled lightly and blinked quickly, trying to keep
from crying. Arrow, you know I love children. She looked up, waiting for me to give her an answer
that I did in fact know that about her. I did. She always had. I nodded. I could never hate a child who
belonged to you. Never, she said confidently. But the idea of someone else Her voice broke. I
wanted to hold her so damn badly. How was I supposed to comfort her when I knew that the mere idea
of her having a child by another man would kill me? The idea of someone else having your child is
its too much. She looked into my eyes deeply, begging me to understand. Its too much, she
whispered again.
I understood. But, I wasnt willing to give up yet. What if it isnt mine? Will you try this with
me Briar?
I cant think that far ahead, Arrow. Right now youre still married and might have a baby on the
way. If you get a divorce if the baby isnt yours then we can talk about the possibility of us. For
now, there isnt one for us. She stood up and walked towards the door. I think its best if you go
back to your pregnant wife. The door creaked open, the soft light from the sun spilling into the room.
Sick. I felt ill. I walked to her and cupped her cheeks in my hands. Dont run away from me. I
get it you cant be with me right now. But wait for me. Please, wait until I can give you some
answers? Her cheeks were warm underneath my thumbs. Can you give me that?
Studying me, she smiled weakly. Ill try. I cant promise anything though, Arrow. I dont know
how I am going to feel in six or seven months when we find out about the baby. But if youre asking
me to continue talking to you, I can do that. I can try to be your friend. I shuddered at the idea of only
being her friend, but for now I would take it.
Thank you, I said sincerely and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek. I felt her eyes on my back as
I walked to the truck, but when I looked over my shoulder the door was closing, putting another
barricade between her and me.
Month after month passed by, and each day that came and went without having Arrow was
torture. I kept my word by calling him at least once a week or answering his phone calls, mostly. We
sent texts back and forth a little, but it was a struggle trying to be his friend. The guilt from sleeping
with a married man weighed heavily on my shoulders. Darcy tried to tell me it wasnt my fault, and
for the first time since Arrow came back to Greenville, she was furious with him.
Darcy actually sided with me in all of this, which said something because usually we didnt agree
on anything. She wanted me to be with Arrow, thought we were always meant to be. Now I could see
the sorrow in her features when she looked at me, knowing that she may have been wrong. She wanted
to hunt him down and kick his ass for leading me to believe he was no longer married and a free man,
and then she wanted to rip his gonads off for possibly getting Lacey pregnant.
I saw Arrow twice since the day he came to my apartment. Once, I agreed to go out for a coffee.
Originally he asked for me to have dinner with him at the local steak house. That sounded more like
date than a friendly meet-up. I told him coffee or nothing, and he agreed, though he was frustrated
about it.
The second time I saw him was by accident. I ran into him at the store where he had diapers,
bottles, and formula loaded up in a cart and was getting ready to check out. He didnt look
comfortable at all, maybe nervous about the upcoming baby. I wasnt sure, but he worried his lip with
his teeth and glared down into his cart. He noticed me when he looked away from all the child
paraphernalia.
I tried to smile at him, but it was weak. Seeing him with all of the baby stuff felt like a kick to
my gut and I wanted to fall to the ground and curl into a ball. Seeing Arrow purchasing baby things
made it seem more real, like maybe even he was beginning to think Laceys child was also his.
We didnt have a lot to say to one another in that moment. It was awkward at best, but to me it
felt more like a death sentence. This was it he was having a baby with another woman. Once that
baby was born hed want to stay with Lacey because thats the mother of his kid. A new love would
form between the three of them. They would have their own small family, and I didnt belong
anywhere in there. I couldnt even blame him.
Lacey was six months pregnant when I stopped talking to Arrow completely. I couldnt make
myself call him, and every time his name came up on my phone it threw me into a state of depression.
If being his friend was this hard, if it made me feel so lousy, I had to step away.
Of course, Arrow didnt make the decision easy. He would text constantly, call, leave voicemails,
and he made sure to let me know he knew exactly what I was trying to do and that he wasnt going to
let it happen. However, as much as Arrow wanted to control what I did, he couldnt.
There was a particularly difficult voice message of his where he hollered for a full five minutes
about the fact that I was now the one lying to him, that he couldnt believe I was pushing him away
again. He sneered each word in a loud, roaring voice that made the blood in my ear thump. I decided
the only way to get through this was to change my phone number. I called Darcy on my way to the cell
phone store and explained what I was going to do. The sadness in her voice echoed through the phone.
If thats what you have to do to be happy, then do it, Briar, she said in strange voice.
Its what I have to do to stay sane, I admitted, turning left into a busier street.
He has a lot of nerve asking you to wait for him when he cant know how the future is going to
play out! Lacey isnt going to allow them to divorce, and he doesnt know if the kid is his. Briar, I
think its time you start trying to move on.
I am trying. I rolled my eyes though she couldnt see me. Darcy had never truly been in love. I
knew that because she thought getting over someone was easy, should only take a couple of days. The
fact that I was still mourning the loss of a future with Arrow months later dumbfounded her. She
didnt fully realize that Id been mourning the loss of Arrow for nearly a decade. This wasnt a new
feeling. What was new was how fresh the wound felt. The cuts in my heart felt deeper than ever
before, raw. Thats what happens when you finally give yourself to someone fully, finally thinking that
your lives were going to tangle into one, I repeated to myself.
No, I mean its time to really try letting him go, Briar. Youve been holding on to him since we
were fifteen; arent you exhausted? she inquired. Hell, she was more observant than I gave her credit
for, and she wasnt wrong.
I dont know how
She sighed softly. Every day when you start thinking of him, try to change your thoughts and
think about something else. Maybe eventually you wont think of him again.
Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard. I pulled up to the building, ready to change my
number. But its worth a try.
I still had all the contacts from my original number saved on my new SIM card so that I would
know who called me. Very few people were given my new one: parents, Darcy, some teachers at work,
and eventually Killian.
I tried to not think about the amount of missed calls, texts, and voice messages I wouldve
received if Arrow didnt get the disconnected tone whenever he called. I pictured a fiery look in his
eyes the moment he realized what I had done to keep from speaking with him, to keep him away from
me.
The irony wasnt lost on me. I was doing exactly what Arrow had done to me when he graduated
from boot camp and got serious with Lacey. It didnt feel good when it happened to me, so if Arrow
felt for me even a smidge of what I felt for him, he would be hurting or at least angry over it.
But he had a pregnant wife to worry about. Being in contact with me wasnt good for any of us,
and it felt wrong.
Nearly two weeks after I changed my number, I drove home, pulled into my typical parking
space, got out of my car, and took one step towards my apartment when I saw Arrow standing outside
of my door. I gasped loudly causing him to turn, to face my direction. My eyes met his steely ones. He
was furious. I took one step back towards my car as he came barreling towards me.
Dont you close that door! he commanded and picked up his pace, arms moving back and forth
by his ribs as he ran towards me.
I spun around and threw myself into my car, pulling the door closed behind me, and hitting the
lock button quickly. My breathing was ragged, heart speeding in an unhealthy way. My hands began to
tremble from the adrenaline. I didnt bother wiping the strands of hair out of my face; instead I turned
the key to start the ignition and put my car in drive.
Arrow started beating on my window.
Briar, he warned. Dont you drive away from me. His voice was ice, making my entire body
shiver from his severe tone.
I paused and looked out my window and into his rugged, determined face. His facial hair was a
bit longer than usual, looking scruffy and sexy. I bounced around his face, not meeting his glance. He
lips were thinned in a straight, hard line.
Unlock the door, he ordered in an authoritative voice.
I met his glare with an intense one of my own. No, I said stiffly.
Did you get a new number? God, that voice was frightening.
Maybe. I pushed lightly on the gas pedal, but he jumped to the front of my car, making me hit
the brakes.
Why? Now he looked like he was in pain. His eyes were still narrowed but confused and maybe
a tiny bit glassy. His hands rested on the front of my car, his shoulders falling forward and his eyes
burning into me.
I shook my head and then placed my forehead down on my steering wheel, groaning. Honesty
would be the only way for us both to move on.
Because I cant be your friend. Its impossible. I cant be anything more either I said loudly,
yelling it, releasing the words like they had been building up and piling like bricks inside of me,
waiting to tumble over and out of my lips.
He moved back to my door, his hands moving up the window like he wanted to cup my face. He
leaned his face in, nearly touching his lips to the glass. And you can do that? Its that easy for you to
pretend like nothing happened between us? He wondered. I didnt say anything, instead stared at him,
my chest rising and falling. Thats what you want? Want me to stop showing up here, to stop trying
to get a hold of you? Stop all of it? I imagined Arrow not trying, running away, moving to another
state, and staying with Lacey. My face mustve given me away because he smiled sadly. Yeah, I
didnt think so, Briar. He tried the door handle, but it was still locked. Get out of the car.
I shook my head back and forth. Arrow, I need some space. I have to think. Listen, your baby is
going to be here soon. What is there, two or three months left? You should focus on Lacey. I tried to
sound soothing but the words were sour on my tongue.
You said you would try, he seethed.
And I have, I spat with more venom. Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do if I were
still married to Killian? If I had lied to you about that small fact? His whiskey eyes were slits, barely
allowing the color of his irises through. And what if I was also pregnant by him? His eyes widened
and he took a step back like the mere thought wounded him. Welcome to my fucking life. My thought
seemed harsh, but its what I felt. I felt stuck in a deep hole, deep enough that I couldnt climb out. I
shrugged. Not a pretty picture in that mind of yours, is it?
Are you trying to hurt me, Briar?
I would never intentionally hurt you, Arrow. But I have to think about myself right now. And
being around you is like a child taking off towards the deep end of a pool and diving in when they
cant swim. Im flailing here, begging for someone to jump in to save me, to lift me out of the water
so I can finally breathe. But no one is there but me. I can either start kicking my legs and moving my
arms, forcing myself over the surface of the water, or I can continue letting myself drown. I looked
up at the ceiling of my car as I finished my spiel. And Im tired of drowning, Arrow. Im so tired of
not being able to breathe.
Without looking out my window to gauge his reaction, I pressed my foot tenderly on the gas and
moved forward. In a moment of weakness, I picked up my new phone and called my ex husband.
I arrived at Killians new place nearly fifteen minutes later. It was a nice place: a bit bigger and
newer than my apartment. I looked up at the door which belonged to Killian. And when my eyes found
that bright white door, he was standing there in a pair of his slouch jeans and a plain, navy blue t-shirt.
When I walked towards him, slowly at first, I took notice of the narrowing of his eyes - not in an
angry way, but more of a confused and sympathetic look. His lips were tipped down like they always
were whenever I was upset. Not able to stop myself, I started running towards him, needing to have his
comforting arms wrapped around me. I could already smell the freshness of his cologne, and I wasnt
even next to him yet.
Within fractions of a second I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his waist, and
laying my head against his chest. His arms came up and wrapped around my shoulders, his head
leaning down against the top of mine. He tightened his hold on me and pulled me into the apartment.
Once inside, he pushed me away, holding me at arms length, and looked into my eyes. I wasnt
crying; for once in my life the tears didnt want to fall.
You were vague on the phone. Is something wrong? Concern creased the sides of his blue eyes.
I need you. I threw my arms around his neck, stood on my toes and pressed my lips to his.
Clearly shocked at first, it took Killian a moment before he reacted. He sighed against my mouth
like the feeling of us together was a relief for him. His lips werent the last ones mine were against,
and it seemed odd. Yet I wanted him to erase the memories I recently made with Arrow. I wanted to
forget the way his fingers felt across my skin, searing a path down my body. I needed to forget the
way he worshipped every inch of me, leaving every piece of me with the echo of him against it. I
wanted to forget the way his tongue tasted, the texture and the warmth of it, the bit of tobacco mixed
with mint.
Killians mouth opened, accepting the intrusion of my tongue. We fell into the normalcy of how
we used to kiss. Memories of our time together played in my head as I pushed my body against his,
and he pulled me against his hardening bulge.
Killian was always the only person who could bring comfort to my heart. It didnt matter what I
was upset about. Sometimes it was school, or my parents, but mostly the only real time I needed him
to soothe a deep-rooted ache within me was about Arrow. He never knew, of course, that I needed him
more than he needed me. Without Killian I wouldve gone into an extreme and deep depression, filled
with nothing but utter sorrow and deprivation.
It sounded pathetic. Even now when Im thinking back to those horrible times, when I allowed
myself to become attached to a person who never really belonged to me. Arrow was the cause of my
misery, and Killian was the reason I made it through well, through life. I hoped that he would still
be able to give me that consolation, to take away the edge of the pain that always seemed to
accompany Arrow.
I kissed him in a hurried passion, searching for the solace that usually came with Killians touch,
but I couldnt find it. It wasnt there. I pulled at his lower lip with my teeth and started to back him up
to the couch. Still, nothing. Angrily, I reached the hem of my shirt and ripped it up and over my head.
Raggedly, I drew in a breath, pressing my covered breasts against the upper part of Killians stomach.
Please, take the pain away. I cant take this.
His hands came up, cupping my cheeks, just like Arrow always did. I felt a sudden tightness in
Killians muscles. He became stiff, his lips pressing together, no longer kissing mine or letting me
kiss him. Perplexed, I pulled away and opened my eyes. I hadnt realized I had started crying until he
wiped at the salt water raining down my cheeks with his thumbs.
His eyes hardened as I watched him debate what he wanted to say to me. His eyes examined my
entire face. I dont know what he saw there, but it obviously wasnt something he wanted to see. He
pulled away, turned his back on me, cursed under his breath, and then faced me again. He pinched the
bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb.
His eyes were closed as he asked steadily, Is this about Arrow? When he opened his eyes at my
silence, I saw the pain flashing in his azure irises. At the mention of Arrows name, I lost it. My hands
flew to my face as I sobbed into my palms, my entire body wracking from the violence of the cries.
Always the comforter, Killians right arm wrapped around my knees and his left arms around my
back as he hefted me up and into his arms. He started walking while holding me tightly to his chest,
where it was now soaked from my eyes. A door creaked open as he pressed his foot against it, and then
we were in a darkly lit room. He laid me gently onto a full-sized bed.
I blinked up at him. He frowned at me as he brushed the wet hair away from my tear-streaked
face.
When he sat down next to me on the bed, I didnt know what to expect. I certainly didnt deserve
sympathy or compassion when I came running to him about another man.
Tell me what happened? he said considerately, pulling me into his arms, tucking my head into
the crook of his neck.
And I did. I told him everything. I told him about how I met Arrow and how I felt since that first
day with him. I told him about the letters we wrote to one another and about the awful agony that had
never quite left me. I told him about what happened more recently and how I felt like I was being
tortured and dont understand why. And he listened without a word, without any judgment, without
telling me I was the worst person hed ever met, how I was a horrible wife, or how he deserved better
(even though he did). And thats how I fell asleep: tucked against my ex- husbands chest, speaking
about Arrow.
I woke up in a room unfamiliar, and at first I was completely lost and confused about how I
ended up in an unknown bed. But then the night before was remembered, and the humiliation came
quickly to my face. My cheeks flushed from the lack of dignity that I showed in dragging Killian into
something that must be extremely hurtful to hear: how his wife has always had feelings for another
even when I was married to him.
How does someone apologize for that? I basically told Killian he wasted a large chunk of his life
with someone who didnt deserve his time or his love. Then, to top it all off, I showed up out of
nowhere and tried to use him for my own selfish reasons. When that didnt work, threw the fact that I
didnt come over for him in his face, waving it in front of him like a large sign.
He wasnt lying next to me when I awoke, and I can only imagine the fury he must have felt
knowing I was still in his bed. I would never blame him for hating me. I sort of hated myself. Still, I
had to apologize, though the words would most likely be meaningless to Killian. He had to know that I
did love him. I always would have love for Killian; it just wasnt the sort of love he deserved. It
wasnt the amount of love I was capable to feel for another person.
I padded into the living room area and spotted Killian in the kitchen, pouring coffee into his mug.
His back faced me, allowing me to build up confidence before speaking to him.
He was an attractive man. He had on a pair of loose fitting, blue-striped pajama pants and no
shirt. It was his typical sleepwear. Seeing him doing one of the things he always did when we lived
together was bittersweet. He poured a large amount of cream and stirred. I still hadnt so much as
moved when he slowly turned around, looked up, and smiled timidly at me.
Did I wake you? I was trying to let you get some rest. He grabbed another mug and started
pouring me a cup. He stirred in a lighter amount of cream, the way I liked mine.
No, you didnt wake me, I said quietly. He slid my cup across the small island towards me. I
walked up to it and wrapped my hands around the warm glass.
I am so sorry, I blurted out, eyes wide, cheeks flushed. I waited for him to yell at me or belittle
me. But Killian would never do that.
He eyed me warily, and I waited. I stared at his beautiful face framed by his new black glasses.
What are you sorry for? He wondered. His head tilted a bit to the side in question. For last
night?
Yes, I whispered and frowned, but I knew I had to say more. And for everything Ive put you
through.
The slightest smile curved his lips upward. Briar, Ive known your feelings for Arrow for a long
time.
I shook my head in shock. My heart had to still be beating, but it didnt feel that way. Whats he
saying? What? I croaked out.
I admit I didnt realize quite how strongly you felt towards him, but I knew it was him you
wanted, he explained, wincing. Sometimes I told myself that your feelings for him were past and
didnt exist anymore. And sometimes you made that easy to believe. We were happy, werent we?
I was always happier with you than without you, I conceded.
But then there were other times when I would look at you and see an overwhelming grief. And I
knew why it was there, and I also knew I would never be able to take Arrows place. Hearing the
heartbreak in Killians voice nearly brought me to my knees. But I continued to listen anyway,
knowing he deserved to be heard. I didnt ask for a divorce because you didnt want kids, Briar. I
asked for one so I could force you into a decision. I hoped you would see that a life without me wasnt
what you wanted and that you would somehow suddenly want me and only me He chuckled
humorlessly. Joke was on me, wasnt it, baby?
I walked around the island slowly, making my way to his side. He turned to face me, looking
down as I looked up at him. Tears made his bright blue eyes look like waves in the ocean. I moved
into him, putting my arms around him, resting my head against his pectorals. I wished I were in love
with Killian, that we could be happy together, have a family, would grow old and never look back and
wonder what if. But that wasnt in our cards.
I wish I could go back in time to my freshman year of high school and not go to that party, not
meet Arrow, not feel what I feel. We wouldve been perfect, I mumbled into his shirt. But he heard
me. He let out his breath and relaxed against me.
Briar, youll always be the girl that got away, he said sadly. But you have the rare ability to
get the one that got away from you. I stiffened against him. How could he say that after everything I
told him last night about Arrow still being married and how Lacey was pregnant ? His hand rubbed my
back up and down, calmingly. Dont lose hope so easily. It sounds like Arrow doesnt plan on giving
up, so why are you?
That was the question wasnt it? But, I knew the answer: I was scared. Scared that in the long run
Arrow would choose Lacey again, and I would be left in the dust to pick up the pieces of my heart. I
wasnt lying when I told Arrow that having a child with another woman was too much. It was. It felt
like a bullet went straight through an artery when I heard Lacey tell Arrow she was pregnant. At the
same time, though it hurt, I wasnt sure Arrow having a child was a deal breaker. He was married to
Lacey; they were living together in California. Arrow and I had yet to reconnect. Was it fair to hold
that against him? No, it probably wasnt, but I still wasnt sure if I could get past it.
The fact that he was still married to Lacey was the shock of a lifetime. I had just spent an entire
night being loved by Arrow only to find out I wasnt the person he shouldve been touching in such a
way.
Though I wanted to believe that Lacey was always the other woman, it wasnt true. This time I
was, and the guilt and disgust filled me to the brim.
Killian interrupted my thoughts by saying, Why dont you take me to breakfast, huh? Ill take
that as your apology for last night. And I think we could both use a pick me up. He winked at me,
lightening the mood as best he could.
Sure, I said with a small smile. Id love to buy you breakfast.
Great. Let me get dressed real quick. Make yourself comfortable; Ill only be a minute.
It was longer than a minute. In fact, it was almost ten minutes later before Killian came out into
the living room ready to go. I didnt say anything or ask questions. He picked up the keys to his car
and walked towards the door. Ready? he asked.
We sat in a booth near a window. We both ordered more coffee, and I added an orange juice as
well. After looking at the menu, I decided on a stack of pancakes with a side of bacon; Killian ordered
some sort of a combo which included five different items.
I noticed that Killians eyes would snap to the door every time it opened, and it began making me
anxious.
Are you expecting someone in particular? I asked him when his eyes darted that direction for
the millionth time.
He smiled with conspiracy at me, reached across the table, and took my hand in his. His fingers
were warm from his mug of coffee, but not uncomfortable. I didnt know why he held my hand, but I
had no reason to pull away, nor did I want to. He was there for me last night when he couldve told me
to leave and find someone else to confide in. I waited for him to say something because the look in his
eyes confused me. He glanced over my shoulder and grinned, then looked back at me. Chills broke out
across my neck and ran down my spine. Something was going on, but I didnt know what.
I started to look over my shoulder when Arrows voice bellowed through the small, quaint
restaurant. Briar Paige, what the fuck?
I froze, my shoulders jumping up, nearly hitting the lobes of my ears. I bit down painfully hard
on my bottom lip and looked up with panic at Killian. I squeezed his hand, my nails digging into his
skin. This was not good.
Killian grimaced but held my hand tightly in his. I dont know what he was trying to tell me
silently, but his eyes were alight and he wore a frustrating smirk.
Arrow was at our table now. I knew because I could feel him. When I looked out of the corner of
my eye, I could see his jeans, not to mention the heavy, hot breaths coming loudly from his mouth.
Arrows hand wrapped around the wrist of the hand that was clasped in Killians. Having a
reunion are we? Arrows voice sounded like thunder. He pulled my hand out of Killians and roughly
tossed Killians to the side.
Funny, I dont remember inviting you, I bit out, finally looking up and meeting his angry glare
with one of my own.
His breath hissed out between his teeth. Up, he commanded.
No, Im having breakfast with Killian. I jerked my arm out of his grasp.
His deathly stare moved across the table, but Killian didnt cower away. Instead, he looked
almost giddy. Strange.
And you. Arrow leaned forward, his face impossibly close to Killians. Outside, now.
Now, Killian did laugh. What? Are we going to fight? What are we going to fight over? Briar?
Arent you married? Killian taunted. My jaw dropped as I looked back and forth between the two of
them, completely confused by what Killian said. Back at his place he was telling me to not give up on
Arrow, but now he was goading him? It didnt make any sense.
Arrows hands gripped the edge of table, his face turning a shade of red that only happened when
he was ready for a fight. Ive been itching to break that jaw of yours since I was eighteen years old.
This seems like a fine of a time as any. Arrow challenged him.
I didnt know how I could ease the air between the two of them and keep Arrow from killing
Killian. I quickly said, Arrow, Ill leave with you right now if you swear to not touch Killian, but if
you fight him, I promise, I will never forgive you.
Arrows eyes dodged back and forth between Killian and me, trying to make up his mind on what
he should do. Fine, he grumbled. Im not through with you. He pointed at Killian as he made the
vow that they were going to have words.
I mean it, Arrow. If you ever lay hands on him, I will never speak to you again, I stated.
His glower didnt make me back down. I stood from my seat and laid down forty dollars.
Killian, well do breakfast another time. This one is still on me.
The hell you will, Arrow said behind me.
I whipped around and shoved him with both of my hands. None of your damn business, I
hissed. Turning back to Killian, I tried to smile. Im really sorry about everything.
Killian hastily pulled me in for a hug. His lips were at my ear. Dont give up, Briar.
Stunned, I was about to move away when instead I was dragged away by thick, callused hands.
Were leaving. Arrow pulled me away. I looked over my shoulder at Killian and saw a thin smile
mixed with a glimmering sadness in his eyes, as well as a sparkle of hope.
The smell of grease from the restaurant still lingered in the air of the parking lot. Once we were
outside and near his truck, Arrow let go of my arm and turned around to face me.
I would ask you what you were doing at Killians last night, but if you told me I would have to
go back in that restaurant and kick his ass. His eyes were smoldering, his arms shaking slightly.
How did you know I was here? Or where I was last night? I looked at him quizzically while
folding my arms underneath my breasts.
What does that matter? He voice went an octave lower. What I want to know, Briar, is were
you thinking of me when you slept with him last night? Through his obvious anger, I saw the pain.
The fact that I went to Killians with that exact intention embarrassed me. My cheeks became a
rosy shade of pink and guilt sat heavily on my chest as if I had actually cheated on Arrow. But how
could I cheat on someone who was married to someone else?
I couldnt believe I allowed myself to feel shame towards Arrow when the only person I owed an
apology to still sat in the restaurant by himself.
He rubbed his forehead and then yanked at his hair. He had let it grow a bit longer in the past few
months, reminding me of the young teenager he used to be. Shit, you really did sleep with him didnt
you? His eyes begged me to tell him I didnt, but I could tell he truly believed I did.
I shook my head. No, Arrow, I didnt, I admitted.
Are you lying to me? He stepped forward.
No, I didnt sleep with him, I said confidently. Not that it should matter what I do. Youre
married. How do you keep forgetting that?
Arrows hands flew up to my face, cupping each side, like he always did. Believe me, Briar. I
havent forgotten that. Every day I wake up and remember that me being married is the thing keeping
you away from me. Every single day I try to talk Lacey into signing those divorce papers. His face
softened. Everyday without you feels like youre slipping through my fingers.
I ignored his words, grabbed his wrists, and pulled his hands away from my face. How did you
know I was here and where I was last night? I asked instead.
Darcy, he said in a short, clipped tone. Have I already lost you? he said just above a whisper.
How did Darcy know I was with Killian and why would she tell Arrow? I wanted to find out the
answers, but most importantly, I had to figure out how to answer his question. And I wasnt sure what
to say.
I glanced back and forth between his eyes, my mouth parted, my nerves shot.
I dont know. I took a step backward. I looked around the parking lot for my car and quickly
remembered that Killian drove us here. My car still sat in the parking lot of Killians complex. I was
stranded.
You dont know or you dont want to tell me? Arrow stepped up, taking my hand in his. I
looked down at his fingers cupping mine.
Frustrated, I sighed loudly, shaking my head back and forth. This is so messed up, I said under
my breath. Arrow, let me ask you this
Ask me whatever you want.
Wheres Lacey staying?
His face paled, telling me what I was afraid of. Id been wondering if they were staying in his
apartment or if Arrow had put his foot down and made her find another place. If he really wanted to be
done with her, if he was so sure that he was ready for a divorce, then why were they living together? I
cringed noticeably.
Thats what I thought, I declared, snatching my hand out of his.
Hold on, Briar. Theres more to it than that, okay? Let me explain. He reached for me again,
but I glared at him, letting him know that his touch was not welcome.
Let me get this straight, Arrow You came here, guns blazing, ready for a fight because I might
have slept with Killian? Yet, youre living with your wife, and Im just supposed to accept that? Im
supposed to believe you arent sleeping with Lacey? The hypocrisy of it all was absurd. Youre
kidding me right? I said vehemently.
My anger bubbled over. I was no longer capable of holding it back, and the same fury sizzled in
Arrows stance and eyes.
Youre supposed to trust me. Youre supposed to ask me questions and actually give me a
chance to answer them because I have the reasons. But maybe you dont want to hear them. Maybe
you just want the easy way out, like you always have. Go ahead, Briar. Just run away - its what youre
good at. His sneer was blistering, his words a personal strike that I felt exactly the way he intended
for me to feel it.
Thats not fair! I yelled, not caring that people were staring at us, probably listening to
everything we said.
Fair? Yeah, lets talk about fairness, he barked. How is it fair that the moment something
rocky is thrown at us, you throw your white flag up and surrender without even trying to fight for us?
My hands were at my waist, squeezing my hips painfully. How is it fair that you get to jump to the
worst case scenario without waiting to hear whats actually happening from me?
I rolled my eyes. Okay, Fine Lets hear it Arrow. Please, please enlighten me as to why you
are living with Lacey right now if you want so badly to be with me? Im dying to hear this. Sarcasm
dripped from every word.
With narrowing eyes he began explaining. Her parents dont live here anymore. She has
absolutely nowhere else to go. I dont want to be with her, Briar, and Im not sleeping with her. But I
cant kick her out with no place to go. I still care about her, and shes pregnant. What kind of person
would that make me? I swear Im sleeping on the couch. Not once have I even laid down in the same
bed as her since shes been back.
I blinked up at him. Never would I have called Arrow a liar in the past, but the fact remained: he
lied to me about still being married. That fact alone made me question everything he said to me. Was
he being honest about not sleeping with her? Or was he simply telling me what I wanted to hear?
I dont want you living with her, I said through clenched teeth. I am not okay with that.
What do you propose I do? he inquired, taking a large step up to me. We were only inches
apart, causing me to look up in order to meet his eyes.
I dont know, but I dont like it. How about I stay with Killian while Lacey stays with you? His
face turned a darker shade of red.
Stop being spiteful. It doesnt look good on your pretty face. His thumb came up and grazed
my lips - first the bottom lip, and then the top one.
I couldnt control the hateful words because I was hurting and no one seemed to completely
understand the chaos inside of me. I wanted him, but I wanted him only for me. I didnt want Lacey to
have any sort of claim on him, and right now she had it all. She had his ring on her finger, his last
name as hers, possibly his child inside of her. What did I have? I had memories and a passionate night
that shouldnt have ever happened. I had broken promises, ruined dreams, and a shattered future.
Why does it feel like youre the one whos trying to get vengeance on me? God, when is it going
to be enough? I mean what else is in store for me, Arrow? Go ahead and pile on another brick on top
of my shoulders. Eventually the weights going to become too much. I tossed my hands up in the air
and tried shrugging away from him, but his hands went to my shoulders, gripping and holding me into
place.
Im not trying to hurt you. Im trying to figure this out, but I honestly cant even be sure what
youre thinking and feeling, especially when you make it a point to push me away instead of opening
up to me. His thumbs rubbed back and forth along my collarbone. If our past isnt anything else
except a learning lesson, dont you think we should start talking to each other instead of assuming?
Thats what kept us apart before. We both made assumptions that ended up not being true.
Gulping, I took in his words. He was right, which made me feel stupid. Though I knew he was
correct, my emotions were still causing havoc within me.
Tell me you dont love me anymore, Briar. If you dont, then theres nothing left for me to fight
for. But if you do, Im not going to stop no matter what bullshit things you say or do. His hands
gripped my throat tenderly, his fingers brushing against the sensitive skin.
All I could feel was his skin on mine. All I could smell was everything that was Arrow. All I
could see were his whiskey eyes staring into mine, waiting for me.
I cant say that, I whispered.
A small smile played on his lips, making me focus on the way his tongue darted out and
moistened them.
Im glad because Im pretty sure it would kill me if you did. His mouth pressed against the tip
of my nose, causing my breath to exhale rapidly.
Youve survived worse things, I croaked out.
He pulled back, tipping my head backward, his face turning serious again. Have you listened to a
word of what Ive said to you? The only reason Ive survived anything is because you were there with
me through it all. Briar, you were my happy thought when I was stuck in hell, the reason I stopped
doing drugs. Youve always been the possibility, the what if, that kept me from giving up. His
thumbs were both under my jaw, keeping my head from looking down, his lips pressed against mine.
It was a chaste, sweet kiss but also passionate, because it showed me exactly how much he cared for
me. His words were my undoing, slowly taking down the walls I had put up between us.
He pulled away, not even trying to take things further than that one small kiss. But that kiss was
enough. It was another promise, but one I hoped wouldnt be broken. One I hoped I could trust.
When Darcy called explaining that Briar spent the night at Killians, my vision collapsed into a
dark ruby tunnel. How could she run back to her ex after everything that had transpired between us?
We were no longer a couple of kids in high school with feelings that neither of us would admit out
loud. We were adults who were obviously crazy about each other. We were adults who took it to the
next level; not only had I told her my feelings, I showed her.
Blood. Thats what I wanted, and it was Killians that I wanted the most. I wanted Briar to look
me in the eyes after her transgressions and see the person she would never have. But thats not how it
played out.
When I got to the mom and pop restaurant, I wanted nothing more than to drag Briar away from
Killian. Just seeing them sitting near one another, her hand in his, was enough to take me back to that
time when I first met Killian. I imagined cutting his hand off at the wrist to keep him from laying his
hands on her ever again. She didnt belong to him. She was mine. Anyone that got in our way was
going to get knocked out. And I wanted to take him out, bust his face in so it would become
unrecognizable.
Of course, Briar wouldnt have it. The fact that she stood up for him made the blood coursing
through my veins light up like fire ready to burn the entire restaurant to the ground.
Still, if I had to walk away from Killian in order to get Briar alone, to talk to her, to have her
admit to me what exactly was going on, then damn it I would walk away. It wasnt easy or even
natural, but its what I did. I dragged her pretty-but-exhausting ass behind me until we were standing
in front of my truck.
Hearing the words leave her mouth that she hadnt slept with Killian freed my body of most of
the anxiety that had built up the moment Darcy called me. Then silence followed when I asked her if
she still loved me. That silence seemed like an eternity. But then she owned up to the fact that she
couldnt say she didnt love me. Jesus, I couldnt stop myself from pressing my lips to hers. I knew
that wasnt the end of our issues and that she was still struggling. But she kissed me back, tenderly,
barely putting any amount of pressure against mine, like a feather dancing across my mouth.
It sucked driving her to her car which was still parked haphazardly at Killians house. I took note
of the apartment complex and his address. Knowing they hadnt slept together kept me from knocking
his door down and beating his face in, but I was still wary. I can be an idiot at times, but Im no fool.
There was a reason Briar came running to Killian. She trusted him, cared for him, maybe even loved
him. And I saw in his eyes that he was still in love with Briar. I believed her when she said they didnt
have sex the night before, but did she kiss him? Did she let him touch her? The thoughts were
unwelcomed, but they were there. I needed to know where Killian lived because if she ran from me
again, I needed to know where she went.
I didnt let her exit my truck until she gave me her new number. I hated that she went through so
much to stay away from me.
Dont go changing your number on me again, Briar, I directed. I called her number from my
phone making sure it rang.
Fine, she muttered and saved my number into her cell. She nibbled nervously at her lower lip
while fidgeting with her phone.
Whats going on in that head of yours? I tapped the underside of her chin.
She frowned and looked up at me. Dont sleep with her, Arrow.
Looking back and forth between her eyes; I tugged at a strand of her hair. I dont want her. I
want you.
Her face turned crimson, making me smile. Still, even after I had her completely naked in my
bed, she flushed from my words.
I leaned in to press my lips to hers, but she held her hands up at my chest. I looked at her
quizzically, silently asking her, what was the issue now?
Get her to sign those papers. Please, she pleaded.
Youre not going to let me kiss you until then? Was she crazy? I waited almost a decade to
finally kiss her, and now after Ive had the taste of her, now that I knew what Id been missing out on,
she was going to keep that from me?
She smiled sadly. Sorry. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to my cheek, her fists
tightening in my shirt as she moved over to the other side and kissed there too.
I closed my eyes, smelling her hair and skin that was close to me. I wrapped a hand at the base of
her hair, pulling the strands tightly in my fist, causing her neck to bend back. Hoping she wouldnt
stop me, I pressed my lips to her neck, right below her ear. Her nails bit through my shirt as her breath
came out in a whoosh. I grazed my teeth against that same spot and then flicked my tongue across
the goose bumps rising up on her skin. Her sighs and small moans drove me mad, but if it was all she
would let me do, then Id take it.
I moved up to her earlobe, taking it between my teeth, and pulled it into my mouth, flicking my
tongue around her small earrings. I stopped before I tried taking it further. I pulled away, pressing a
light kiss on her hair right above her ear and smiled down at her.
She was breathless, her pupils dilated, her body needy. But with the self-control that I didnt
possess, she moved to the car door and pushed it open. She paused at the door before closing it.
You going to answer my calls and texts, babe?
She shifted back and forth on her feet, the metal of the truck door moving in her hand.
Probably, she teased flippantly with a grin.
You know Ill come looking for you again if you dont. The threat was real. I wasnt afraid to
show up at hers or Killians place if necessary.
She giggled - an angelic, happy sound that I loved to hear from her. Yes, you crazy man, I am
fully aware you will show up at my place unannounced.
As long as you know. I winked at her. Im calling you tonight.
Her fingers drummed on the door. Okay, she said shyly.
And youre going to pick up, I warned.
Alright, caveman! I get it. Ill talk to you tonight. She closed the door and walked quickly to
her car. I noticed her dialing someones number and her putting the phone to her ear as she got into the
car.
I wondered if she was calling Killian or someone else. The jealously grew like a weed inside of
me.
How did you know I stayed at Killians and where I was having breakfast with him? And why
did you call Arrow and tell him? I rambled off quickly to Darcy.
Oh calm down. She sounded completely relaxed, maybe even enjoying herself. Your life is so
interesting, you know that? There should be a reality show about you called Life of Briar or
something. Itd be a hit. I rolled my eyes.
Answer me, Darce, I seethed.
Fine. You really ought to have a glass of wine or something, honey. But to answer your
questions Killian called me this morning and told me to let Arrow know you stayed the night at his
house and all that jazz. She giggled, but my eyes were bugging out of my head. That Killian, hes a
good one you know that? He said he needed to see that Arrow still cared about you. And wed know
that by whether Arrow showed up at the restaurant or not. I was driving and almost ran through a red
light from my shock. I hit my brakes, my tires screeching to a stop. Breathing hard, I looked around to
make sure I didnt cause any sort of accident. So, Im assuming Arrow showed up? Darcy asked.
My mouth bobbed up and down, thoroughly left speechless that Killian did that. Uhm yeah, I
said slowly. Killian was acting weird the entire time we were there. I didnt know what was going on,
and then he started goading Arrow when he showed up. Darcys laughter cackled through the phone.
I can picture the look on Arrows face when he saw you with Killian! Especially how I made it
sound like you two actually slept together. Her laughs erupted.
Darcy, thats not funny! He was really mad. I mean, Killian couldve gotten hurt. I gaped, jaw
hanging open.
Come on, Briar, tell me you see some of the humor in this? Your ex-husband is playing the love
match maker with a guy youve always been in love with This is crazy shit. She snorted.
I did see the ridiculousness of it all, but still, living it was a wholly different thing. When I didnt
say anything, she got quiet.
Whats going on, Briar? You okay? Concern was laced in her words.
Am I doing the wrong thing by talking to Arrow even though hes married? I whispered. What
if this baby is his, Darce? What do I do?
I heard the clicking of her tongue as she considered her words. Well, I think its only a matter of
time before Arrow gets Lacey to agree to the divorce. And about the baby Youre just going to have
to see how it works out. You cant know how youre going to react to anything until it happens.
I guess, I mumbled and parked my car outside of my apartment. I turned off the key and
opened my door, but stayed sitting in my chair.
We both know that the-you-getting-over-Arrow-thing wasnt going to happen easily. Right? I
want you to be happy, and if Arrow is what it takes, then youre just going to have to paddle your way
through the waves until it calms down and see where you are when everything is said and done.
Theyre still living together, Darcy. I cringed at the desperation in my tone.
What? she exclaimed.
I told her what Arrows reasons were for still living under the same roof as her and how he swore
they werent sleeping together.
If she werent pregnant, I would demand him to throw her out on her ass.
I know, but I feel horrible for being upset about this, especially when hes being a good guy by
not doing that, you know? But I wanted to order him to find somewhere else for her to live. But I
couldnt do it. I ground my teeth together. This is all a mess.
Like I said, The Life of Briar would be a killer show. She chuckled.
Yeah, yeah. Its a glorious life, I said sarcastically. Listen, Im going to get off of here.
We hung up as I walked into my apartment where I poured myself a drink and collapsed onto the
couch. When would life get easier?
Finally, Briar stopped pushing me away... well, for the most part. She answered my calls and sent
me texts throughout the day. She even met up with me a few different times for a drink or for dinner,
but she still kept her distance enough to show me that we werent taking things any further until she
saw Laceys name scribbled across those documents. She let me hold her hand sometimes and place
chaste kisses around her face, hair, on her hand. Anything else was quickly stopped by her narrowing
eyes and stiffening body. The woman displayed a crazy amount of restraint. However, I struggled
keeping my hands to myself. This only served to earn me the cold shoulder and a bitter reminder that I
was still married.
Lacey was getting close to her due date. Every day that went by felt like the mixture of a ticking
time bomb and a get out of jail free card. Once this baby was born, Id either be the father, or I
wouldnt. It seemed the answer to that big question was going to determine which way my life would
go.
To be fair, if the kid was mine, I would love him. Yes, we found out the baby was boy. Lacey
cried when she held the picture with the arrow pointing to his male parts. I smiled, congratulated her,
but I truly felt that child wasnt mine.
I didnt want to stress Lacey out, though. Its wouldnt be healthy for the baby. So I didnt bring
up the divorce very often because when I did, she either ignored me or went all hormonal-lunatic on
me. Swear, I thought she was going to murder me in my sleep one night after a particularly extreme
argument between the two of us.
One breezy evening I heard Lacey hollering my name from the bathroom. Typically, I would be
annoyed thinking that she was going to go off on me again for talking to Briar all night. She really
thought she had the power to stop me. She didnt. But this time there was an urgency to her voice. I
stood quickly from my place on the couch and ran to the door of the bathroom and opened it slowly.
Are you okay? I asked as the door made the creaking noise.
She stood in front of the mirror with a pair of gray yoga pants on that were drenched in the front,
making it look like she pissed her pants. My eyes widened. No way.
My water just broke! she said frantically. Her large belly pressed against the fabric of her shirt.
Ah! she screamed, wrapping her hand around her hardened stomach.
I froze immobilized, completely stuck in place, not knowing what to do. I knew she was having
contractions, but there wasnt really anything I could do about that. So I stood there like a complete
invalid and waited for her instructions.
Call the hospital, she begged through clenched teeth.
I dialed the number and gave them all of Laceys information. They asked some questions and
then told me to bring her in as soon as possible. Finally - instructions.
I have a bag packed in the closet. Lacey wobbled into the front room breathing in a deep,
rhythmic way.
I rushed into the room, grabbed the expensive looking bag and took it out into the truck. Then, I
grabbed Laceys arms and helped her out to the vehicle. This was the first time I wished I had a car
instead of a truck. Getting a pregnant woman in and out of this monster was a feat.
Once we arrived at the hospital they sat her down in a wheelchair and pushed her into a room. I
waited outside the door, not knowing what to do. I didnt want her to be alone while she went through
what sounded like unbearable pain, but at the same time I didnt want her to get the wrong idea about
us. This didnt change anything. But what if the baby was mine? I didnt want to miss out on the birth
of my own kid.
I sent a quick text to Briar, letting her know what was going on with Lacey and that I was at the
hospital. She wished me luck but other than that was quiet. I knew her thoughts mirrored mine. She
was worried, nervous, and scared that the kid would be mine. But at the same time I knew Briar would
never hate my baby, if he were mine. My emotions were so conflicted. I wanted to be excited and
happy if he was mine, and Im sure I would be. But what would Briar feel?
The hospital rooms sterile odor smelled like a typical doctors office. I spent more than my fair
share of time in a hospital back in Afghanistan. The room brought an onslaught of those memories
back to me. Rapidly, over and over the horrible details played in my head. But I reminded myself it
was over now. I survived. We all survived. I hadnt realized my eyes were clenched and I was leaning
against the wall in Laceys room. I forced myself to relax and blinked open my eyes and looked
around the room.
A nurse was hooking up an IV to Laceys arm and looking up at me with trepidation. Im
alright, I commented and walked over to the bed.
You okay? I asked Lacey.
Her jaw was working back and forth, her hands flexing and squeezing the rails at her sides. It
hurts.
The doctor will be in to check on you in a minute. Hell see how far youre dilated and talk
about the epidural.
Lacey nodded stiffly; I thanked the nurse.
The doctor came in soon after and told us that she was already four centimeters dilated. Oh, this
baby is going to be here soon. Did you want an epidural? If so, we need to get that done right away.
Lacey said she needed one. Not too long later, she had the epidural put in and was calming down
as the medicine numbed most of her pain.
I stayed to the side and listened for what the doctor or nurses would say and waited.
Two hours later the doctor came back in the room and said the words that made sweat break out
across my forehead. Its time to push.
Inconsistent: thats how I would describe my thoughts after the text from Arrow informing me
that Lacey was in labor. One minute I would fidget constantly with nerves, next I was eager for all of
this to be put behind us, whatever the answer was. At least we would know instead of being stuck in
this constant state of what if. The worst feeling was when my stomach would cramp up with sharp
pain. I would rush to the bathroom, thinking I was going to get sick. I didnt though. Instead I ended
up sitting on the tiled floor in front of the toilet, arms applying pressure to my stomach and grimacing.
Waiting to hear a word from him was more difficult than the entire past six months. This was it!
He was either the father or he wasnt. We both did research and found out that it would take around
twenty-four hours to get the results from the paternity test. Add that time to however long it took for
Lacey to actually give birth to the baby and we could be waiting a very long time for any news.
I called Darcy a few hours later when I hadnt heard any thing else from Arrow. She sat on the
phone with me for over an hour after I declined her offer to come over and help take my mind off of it.
Okay, seriously though. Why hasnt he contacted me yet to tell me whats going on? I chewed
the skin of my lip, running my teeth back and forth on the tender skin.
For the hundredth time, hes probably ridiculously busy trying to not pass out from the horrific
noises Lacey must be making. Not to mention battling with her constant nagging.
She tried to make me laugh or at least crack a smile, but I couldnt. I kept picturing Arrow
holding her hand, being the incredible supportive man that he was, and then a tiny baby with the
same whiskey eyes as him.
Briar, youre going to need to find a way to relax. Watch a movie or something. Sitting at home
and agonizing over every possibility is going to wear you out. Her concern was palpable even over
the phone. Arrow will call you as soon as he can.
What if he changed his mind, and he wants to be with Lacey? I whispered, sharing my fear with
my best friend.
Okay, I dont think thats a possibility, but let me entertain that idea for a minute. So what?
What if he does decide he wants to stay with that crazy woman instead of being with you? Guess what,
babe? There are no sure things in this life. Youve been through the wringer with Arrow. You both
went through almost a decade of secretly loving one another, both of you utterly torn up over the
other. Ive seen you fall to the ground in pure agony over Arrow, but you know what? You survived.
And if he chooses someone else over you - yeah itll suck - yeah youre going to feel like shit for a
while - but youll be okay. She finished her spiel with a loud humph.
I dont think Ive been okay, ever I mumbled, standing from my couch and walking around
the living room, picking up books and laying them back down. They werent out of place, but I needed
to busy myself with anything, even if it was only a frivolous activity.
Eventually you would be okay. My bigger question is what if this baby is his, Briar? Are you
going to stay or walk away? I stopped, holding two thick, hard-backed books in one hand and looked
away from the titles.
Tears threatened to spill. Darce, I dont know. I dropped the books, not caring that they banged
loudly onto the table. I doubt Lacey will let him be with me if the baby is his anyway. Hell, I doubt
shell agree to a divorce even if they find out hes not Arrows.
I think Arrow can be a very convincing person. Give the man some credit. Hell get it done. Just
give him some time. Go pour yourself a glass of wine that I know you have chilling in the fridge and
turn on a funny movie or something.
Yeah, okay. Ill call you later. We hung up and I did pour myself a glass of wine. In fact, I had
a few glasses. I didnt put in a movie though. I tried opening up a couple of different books, but I
continually read the same sentence over again without understanding the words.
It seemed not even a good book could get in the way of my overactive mind. Every time I looked
up at the clock, I cringed. Time was moving in slow motion. I looked at my phone at least once every
two minutes, and each time I was met with a blank screen - no missed calls or text messages. I dont
know why I expected to hear something so soon from him when most women were in labor for several
hours before it came time to push.
When my phone did finally ring, I was so lost in thought somewhere between a dream state and
being awake, that I sat up quickly, my phone launching forward and in between the cushions of my
couch. I dove for it, running my hands in the crease, pulling out a pen, chocolate candy wrappers, and
finally my cell. I knew the ringer was almost finished, so I hit the button quickly, putting it to my ear.
Hello, I said breathlessly.
Briar. Arrow sounded completely exhausted. I sucked in a deep breath and waited. She had the
baby. Hes a crier. He chuckled lightly. She named him Miles.
That was all well and good, but not exactly what I was waiting on, though the sound of his voice
calmed me slightly. At least he called.
Are you there? he asked.
Im here, I said in a quiet voice. Does he look like you? I found myself asking, unable to
keep the words from bubbling over.
He heaved a deep sigh. Its hard to say. You know how all babies kind of look the same when
they are born. But the doctor already swabbed his mouth and mine. Well know in twenty-four hours.
I nodded up and down even though he couldnt see me. So hes healthy?
He is. Arrow sounded wary, afraid to give too much away. I couldnt blame him; in all honesty,
I didnt know how much I really wanted to know right now.
You sound like you could use some rest. Are you heading back to your place or staying at the
hospital? Without knowing what answer I was looking for, I tensed up. Was he staying with Lacey,
staying by her side?
Im going to head home. I need to take a nap and shower, and Lacey asked me to bring her a
couple of things for Miles. Ill probably head back to the hospital in the morning. His answer was
stiff and direct.
This is hard, I said to myself but loud enough for Arrows ears.
I heard the release of his breath. I imagined his body relaxing as his lungs emptied, the muscles
in his back twitching under my fingertips. I guess I dont know exactly what to say right now, Briar. I
still dont have any answers for you, and Im not going to even bother bringing up the divorce again
until we at least know if Miles is mine. Laceys beat, and she should have some time to enjoy her son
before I bring up an upsetting subject for her. He seemed angry with me. Why? I didnt know but his
heated tone rang clear.
I understand. Of course She should enjoy time with her son and get some rest. Arrow, do
whatever you think is best. I leaned my elbows onto my knees and rested my forehead in the palm of
my empty hand, feeling downright drained. I get it okay? Laceys your wife, Miles might be your
son; you should spend time with them. If you want to be with her, Ill understand. The words barely
made it out of my mouth, but they needed to be said. I couldnt let him walk out on what could be his
small family for me because he was scared to let me down.
Thats not it, Briar, he snapped.
See, listen to you! Youre upset with me, and I dont even understand why! Go home, get some
rest, spend time with your family. Before he could respond, I hung up the phone and tossed it to the
opposite end of the couch.
I was losing him all over again. I could feel it.
What was so hard to understand? Why couldnt Briar wrap her head around the fact that I was
beyond anxious?
For Gods sake, I spent hours in the hospital with a woman that I dont love and who put me
through hell for the past six months with her constant blows towards Briars and my relationship, and
watched her give birth to a baby that might or might not be mine. I didnt know what the hell I was
doing or what was expected of me. I held Miles; he was beautiful, but I didnt feel any connection to
him. When I looked at him I didnt see my future or me reflected in him. Why did I have a constant
battle between telling myself there was no way I was this kids dad and then feeling like a total douche
because he was? Then why I do feel no bond with him? Is it simply because Im afraid Briar will run if
hes mine? Or is it because hes someone elses son?
Normally Briar hanging up on me would send me into a maddening rage. My normal action
would have been to drive to her house, barrel into her apartment, and let her know how unacceptable
that was. But, though it still pissed me off, I didnt know what I would do once I was there. Would I
look into her eyes and see all the fear I felt reflected in them? I couldnt take that after the day I
already had. There was nothing left for me to say. I told her everything that I could. She knew I loved
her, that I wanted to be with her, that I had every intention of making her mine for the rest of our lives,
but she wouldnt believe me until Lacey and I were over. Even then, if Miles was mine she might still
run
The bed felt more comfortable than I remembered - maybe because it had been months since I
actually got to lie down on my own mattress, or maybe because I was that tired. But as soon as my
head hit that pillow I was out.
When I woke up it was early morning, the sunbeams only beginning to find their way through the
window. I rubbed down my face roughly and then sat up. I still had on my clothes from the day before,
and the drowsiness still ebbed its way through my body. Forcing myself to stand from the bed, I went
into the bathroom, turned the shower as hot as it would go, and hopped in. I scrubbed away at the
grime from the day before, wishing it were that easy to rid myself of the dread in my gut.
Today I would find out if Miles were mine. I didnt know when I would know or how they would
tell me. Did it come on a piece of paper hand delivered by a nurse or something? Or was I called into a
room where they sat me down and gave me the news? I guess the way I found out wouldnt matter in
the long run. But it seemed like an easily manageable thing to consider instead of what I would do
after I found out the results. If I continued thinking about that too much, Id end up losing my mind.
Throughout the past six months I chastised myself constantly for not wearing protection when I
slept with Lacey. Hell, I regretted sleeping with her at all when, even then, I knew I didnt want to be
with her. If I had known Briar was willing to give me a chance, that she even cared for me at all, I
wouldnt have done it. At least, thats what I liked to believe. In reality, I was higher than a fucking
kite majority of the time in California; thinking rationally wasnt my forte.
I didnt remember drying off or getting dressed; the movements were all from muscle memory. I
grabbed the clothes that Lacey wanted for Miles and a teddy bear. My hair was still damp, a few drops
dripped down my neck as I drove toward the hospital.
Once I was there, things seemed relatively calm. Lacey was so caught up in Miles that she didnt
spend a lot of time focusing on me. She was different now; I could see the change in her: the softness
in her eyes where they used to be harsh and ready for a fight. When she looked at Miles, a serene
smile spread across her face. Before, I never imagined Lacey being a mother. She never seemed like
the type of woman that would ever be interested in having a child. Yet, now looking at her, I could see
it. Miles would have a mother that would spoil him rotten.
I kept to myself, looking up constantly, wondering if the next person that came into the room
would be there to give me the results of the paternity test. It was too early, too soon - I knew that - but
my automatic reaction was still there. My legs bounced up and down in the uncomfortable metal chair
that made my ass numb and my back stiff.
Eventually, I looked up and a middle-aged woman came in with a piece of a paper in her hand,
and I knew I knew this was it. She was a fierce looking lady who didnt smile. Her hair was red and
pulled back into a tight knot at the back of her head. The years hadnt been kind to her.
I have the results of the paternity test. Do you need me to read this to you? Its straightforward.
If you have any questions, my desk is down the hall and to the right, she rambled off the directions to
find her. I didnt pay attention to one word after paternity test.
We can figure it out. Thanks. I took the envelope from her hand. She left the room as soon as I
collected it from her. Walking over to the window in the room, I leaned against the small ledge and
slipped open the lip of the envelope.
I felt Laceys eyes on me as I slid the folded up paper out. I glanced up from my hands and took
one last look at Lacey holding Miles. Reading Lacey never came easy to me, so her thoughts were
wholly hidden. She didnt smile or look nervous. She seemed placid.
The soft crinkling sound of the paper made us both look down at my hands. My grip on the
results caused the paper to crease. I was honestly scared to death of what I was about to read. I didnt
know how to break the news to Briar if Miles was mine, but I also didnt know how to tell her he
wasnt.
Unfurling the paper, I took one last cleansing breath and looked down at the results.
Two days later, and I hadnt heard another word from Arrow since I hung up on him. To me it
seemed like an obvious decision was made. He wouldve gotten the results by now yet he didnt feel
the need to call me and at least inform me that he was the dad and would try to work things out with
Lacey.
Loneliness seeped its way into every orifice of my body. I guess, when it came down to it, I
wasnt prepared for this outcome. I tried to think of all the possibilities. My dad always told me to
prepare for the worst-case scenario. I was never very good at following those words. Even when I
tried, I was usually wrong about just how wrong things could go. Being left in the dark, yeah, that was
worse than hearing the words from Arrow.
It was a weekday so I had to be at work even though I was nursing new wounds. The kids were
always capable of brightening my mood, and they did their best. Their comments made me smile, and
some even made me laugh, which at this point felt foreign. Still, despite the bit of reprieve from my
thoughts, when I got home I deflated, crumbling onto the couch and closing my eyes. I fought the urge
to scream by covering my face with a decorative pillow, groaning into the fabric.
The front door creaked open and a light breeze from outside hit my bare arms. Thinking I didnt
close the door completely, I grunted, not wanting to move from my lazed position.
You going to say hello or just lay there? Arrows voice rumbled, sending a shockwave down
my spine. I jumped up into a sitting position, throwing the pillow down, and looked up at him with
wide eyes. He came! His presence changed the environment of my house from slightly chilly to
scorching hot. His massive shoulders took up the doorway entrance, and his height made me feel even
shorter from where I sat.
His timid yet coy smile sent a fluttering down to my lower stomach. I pressed my thighs together,
silently cursing how turned on he made me by those small looks, especially when I still didnt have a
clue what was going on.
His long strides put him directly in front of me in only a few steps. I didnt dare stand up; my
legs wouldve given out on me if I tried.
You didnt call. Blame rang clear in my words and in the narrowing of my eyes as I looked up
at him.
There was a lot that needed figured out, and I wanted to do that before I spoke with you. He
knelt down on his knees in front of me, our eyes level.
Figured I wouldnt be hearing from you, I admitted.
His eyebrows drew together, lips tightening into a straight line.
Jesus, Briar, what kind of a man do you think I am? He reached up his fingers to touch the
temple of my head and trail them downward until he reached the underside of my chin.
I think youre the best person I know, I choked out, wondering if this would be the last time his
touch would be allowed.
Dont cry, he whispered, wiping the wetness from below my eyes using his thumbs. His skin
was dry, scratchy, but welcomed.
I looked up into his eyes with sorrow beating down on my heart. I need to know whats going on,
Arrow. These past few days have been miserable. Tell me, I pleaded, gripping the wrists that still
rested on my cheeks.
Hes not mine, Briar. I tilted my head to the side. Miles isnt my son. For some odd reason
the news didnt relieve me. The lack of relief forced me to realize that there was more to my
melancholy than just the fact that Arrow couldve had a child with Lacey. I didnt say anything trying
to work out my thoughts. Did you hear me, baby?
I need a minute. My voice sounded odd, quiet, and detached. Inwardly I was puzzled as to why
the news didnt bring me automatic relief. I stood and moved around Arrows body, walking to the
bathroom. Once inside the small room I undressed and slid into the shower. The water beat down on
my back as I leaned against the wall across from the showerhead. I pressed my head against the cool
tiles, eyes clenched.
I heard the door open, heard the sound of Arrows clothes joining mine on the floor, and then the
ruffle when the shower curtain was moved to the side. He stepped into the fall of the water, blocking
most of spray from hitting me. Chills broke out down my spine because of the lack of warm water
hitting me but also because I had a very naked Arrow in a tight space with me. I didnt yell at him to
get out because I didnt want him to. I wanted him with me, close to me, holding me, soothing me,
but, I didnt know if he could actually fix what was wrong. I didnt even know what was wrong.
It felt like everything from our past together, everything from when we were fifteen all the way
up to the past few months, was weighing heavily on me. Even if Lacey agreed to a divorce now that
they knew Arrow wasnt the father, could Arrow and I ever really have a solid future? After
everything?
One of his fingers touched the side of my ribcage where the lyrics to Dear God were inked into
my skin. That was the only part of him on me, yet I could feel the light tracing he did of each word
through my whole body.
Once he finished his path along my side, he stepped up, pressing the front of his body into my
back. Lifting my hair off of my neck, he moved it all to one side and touched his lips to the back of
my neck.
Talk to me. Whats going on up here? He tapped the side of my skull. Is it Lacey? She agreed
to the divorce, Briar. Thats what I was busy working on the past couple of days. His mouth was close
to my ear, each word punctuated with his hot breath on my skin.
I stayed silent. The news was good. Never in a million years did I think Lacey would agree. Darcy
was right, Arrow needed time to make it happen, but he did it. Still, did it matter? Could we be happy?
Could we move on from our less-than-desirable past? It seemed impossible.
His hands moved down my arms like the wet droplets racing down my skin. Briar, youre killing
me. Talk to me.
How do we move on from our past, Arrow? How do we both forget about all the hurt? I was
getting worked up, my voice rising with each word. He gripped the place above my elbow and turned
me around to face him. Even through my frustration and anger I couldnt ignore the fact that I was
standing nude in front of Arrow for the second time since wed been together. He leaned into me,
pressing my back into the wall. I arched my back when I felt the chill of the tile. His eyes darted down
to my breasts, and when he looked back up into my eyes, his were dark and hungry.
As much as I wanted him, my fury got the best of me. Why didnt he tell me how he felt when we
were teenagers? We couldve been together all this time This ordeal with Lacey wouldve never
happened!
Say it! he growled, his face inches from mine. I can practically taste your resentment say
it.
How am I supposed to get past all of this? I bit out. So she signed the damn papers. So the
baby isnt yours That doesnt change everything Ive gone through the past six months. Damn it,
Arrow, it doesnt change all the awful anguish Ive felt over you for almost eight and half years! I
shoved his bare shoulders, but his didnt move; it was like shoving a solid, stone wall.
Hot, wet, infuriated tears ran down my cheeks. He didnt stop me when I started banging on his
chest over and over again with words that I couldnt even make sense of. All the pent up
disappointment, all the miserable places of our past thudded against him as it poured out of me.
Thats right, let me have it. He stood still, a frown etched on his face.
I loved you, and you fucking broke me! I screamed, smashing both my hands into his sternum.
Out of nowhere, his hands were on my arms and pushing me back, pulling my hands behind my
back so I couldnt continue my abuse.
Breathing heavily, I looked up at his eyes, and froze. He looked pained. Absolutely, wounded.
Weve both been broken. He paused, letting go of my hands, and moved his up to hold my face
in his palms. But Briar, I love every shredded piece.
Our mouths met, teeth hitting, but neither of us cared. We devoured each other. Arrow consumed
me. My hands clawed at his arms, shoulders, and back. His fingers touched every piece of my skin he
could reach. Before I knew it, he had one of my legs hitched up on his hip and his hand was guiding
his cock inside of me. We both gasped, eyes never leaving one anothers, as he pushed deeper inside
of me, filling me, making me feel whole. Even when my head fell back against the wall, the view of
his whiskey irises never left my view. His thrusts were slow and deep, worshipping me.
I moaned when his head dipped into my neck, his teeth grazing my skin ever so lightly, nipping
and biting his way down to my breasts. Weaving my fingers through the strands of his hair, I pushed
my breasts further into his mouth. He sucked long and hard, but then pressed a closed-lipped kiss on
each peak, making his way back up to my ear.
Theres no running away from me, Briar. You run, and Ill chase you. Im not letting you go
again, he said huskily against my ear. The mixture of his words and the way he said them brought me
to climax. I shook in his arms, falling apart around his still pounding cock. He held me up, pumping
into me a few more times until he stiffened and emptied into me. His head rested against the crook of
my neck, holding me against him, refusing to leave my body. He didnt pull away until the water went
cold and the chattering of our teeth took place of our heavy, exhausted breaths.
He dried us both off, picked me up, one arm behind my knees and the other around my back, and
carried me to the bedroom where he pulled back the blankets and laid me down, naked, beneath them.
He joined me, pulling me against the front of his body.
Feeling content for the first time in my life, overwhelmed by the fact that my future was holding
me in his arms, I started to drift into a peaceful slumber.
I love you, Briar Paige.
I remembered that hotel where we stayed the night before he left for boot camp. I wanted nothing
more than for Arrow Donovan to be mine. Now he was.
We got married a month after the divorce between Lacey and Arrow was finalized. Surprisingly,
the entire process wasnt too painful. Laceys personality made a one eighty change after she had her
son. It seemed she was so incredibly happy to have her baby that she wanted Arrow to find the same
happiness, which wasnt with her.
My feelings towards her only thawed slightly; too many places in my past had her as a co-star in
my own personal horror film. But once their divorce was legally recognized, an overwhelming state of
blissfulness took over me.
Arrow no longer belonged to anyone else but me. And I was his. Our engagement happened the
same day as our wedding.
I woke up one morning with Arrow watching me as I slept. I smiled softly at his handsome face
with dark scruff growing out along his jaw and chin and his amber eyes that shined with a relaxed
peace. His answering smile made my body awaken; every nerve lighting up from the tips of my toes to
the roots of my hair.
Marry me. His voice was still deep from sleep, scratchy in that way that makes a woman
swoon.
My smirk widened, making the muscles in my cheeks tighten as I ran my fingers through his
longer hair. I kept quiet, believing he was teasing me.
Briar, marry me, he said more seriously, moving his hand to my neck, trailing his fingers up
and down the skin like he was trying to read me and I was written in Braille.
With furrowed eyebrows I asked, Wait - are you actually asking me?
He chuckled. Well, Im trying to.
When?
Whenever you want. His deft hand took a path down my side until he reached my hip where he
squeezed me gently.
Today? I teased with a breathless voice, his touch having quite an affect on my capability of
speech.
His smirk was confident; he knew the effect he had on me. We can get married today if you
want. I think I can make time.
I cant tell if youre joking with me or not.
Im completely serious. What do you want? His thumb grazed underneath the edge of my
panties, causing me to suck in a breath and push my hips towards his hand. Now that I had Arrow, I
couldnt get enough of him.
I want to be your wife as soon as possible, I admitted in a moan when his hand slipped into the
small fabric covering me.
Well then lets go. His hand left me, and he pushed the blanket off of us, sitting up and holding
his hand out to me, inviting me to join him in a sitting position.
Wait, are we really doing this? Dont we need rings? His answering smile made my giddiness
erupt; I couldnt keep the cheer out of my movements. I bounced up and sat on my heels, clapping my
hands together. You already got rings didnt you? Show me! I pleaded.
He stood from the bed, giving me the best view of his bare ass and the lyrics of my favorite song
down his extensive back. He looked over his shoulder and winked at me as he dug into the pocket of a
pair of his jeans. He had two black boxes in his hand.
One is yours; the other is mine, he explained, opening the velvet packages. The first one was
his: a plain but thick platinum band. It was perfect for him: strong, simple, and masculine. I ran my
finger over the smooth metal, imagining it on his left ring finger.
Perfect, I muttered.
It is. But yours is even better. I leaned forward trying to catch a view of what was in the next
box, but he held it away from me so I couldnt see. He took the ring out and held it in his closed fist.
Give me your hand and close your eyes, he demanded gently.
Thrusting my left hand to him, I closed my eyes. When his hand took a hold of mine my teeth
worried my lower lip. I felt the cool circle slide from the tip of my finger down to the base.
Open your eyes. His voice was low and husky.
I looked into his eyes, noticed the darkened orbs, and then looked down at my finger. The ring
was beautiful; an oval shaped diamond sat in the center surrounded by four small diamonds on each
side. Happy tears welled in my eyes.
Do you like it? he asked, though he knew the answer.
You know I do. I love it.
I had them engraved on the inside. I slid the ring down my finger and held it up to my face so I
could make out the words. A lyric from Dear God was scrolled into the metal.
Bringing the ring to my chest, holding it against my heart, I looked up at my man and thought
back to everything it took for us to reach this point in our lives, and how much stronger our
relationship was because of it. Waking up to him every day seemed more like a dream that I never
wanted to end, but it was my reality. Its better than I couldve ever imagined.
We were married three hours later.
That was three months ago. Today was an even bigger day, but Arrow didnt know that yet. In
fact, no one knew but me, and I was starting to freak out. I bought three boxes of pregnancy tests. Each
box held two. Six positive sticks sat on the sink with cute little smiley faces telling me that my entire
life was about to take one big turn for the better.
Its strange how life changes so drastically. Things that not so long ago I was unsure of,
possibilities that I once thought were impossible, well they happened and I was left sitting here
buckled into a rollercoaster and holding on for dear life. The ride was fun with its twists, curves, and
drops, and I just never know what to expect or when Ill be flipped upside down.
Not too long ago, Arrow and I were both married to different people. I didnt feel ready for
children, and neither did Arrow. Before Arrow came back into my life, I thought he would always be a
distant memory, one that I would hold on to for a lifetime but also a what if that Id never have an
answer to.
Arrow and I hadnt talked at length about children, but shockingly I didnt feel anxious or scared;
I was excited and ready. This was where my life was meant to go: a family with Arrow. And since we
never used protection when we slept together, he couldnt be too shocked over the news.
I grabbed a plastic sandwich baggy from the drawer in the kitchen, stuffed the blue and white
plastic sticks in, and then stashed them in my oversized, black purse. Arrow was at work. He very
recently decided to volunteer as a firefighter and was now planning on making a career out of it.
Quickly, I made a plan on how to tell Arrow our news. He didnt even know I was late and that I
thought I was pregnant. I drove to our local store and searched the baby clothes section until I found
an onesie that read, Dads Best Friend in neutral colors of yellow and green. I also picked up a small
green gift bag and yellow tissue paper before I left. Once I got home, I had one more hour before he
was due to arrive. I wrapped the onesie up, hid the pregnancy tests underneath it, and stuffed the rest
of the tissue on top of everything so he would have to dig to find what was hidden in the bag.
The baby was too small for me to feel it flitting around inside of me, which meant the fluttering
in my gut was purely from the eagerness to see Arrows reaction. I tried to act relaxed by sitting on
our couch with my feet up on the coffee table, near where the gift sat. But every time I tried to train
my eyes on the television, I looked back down at that green bag. Every time I did, my body would fill
with an overwhelming love for my husband and the life we created.
By the time Arrow got home, I was a mess, jumping up at every sound thinking he was home,
biting my fingernails, bouncing my knees up and down. When he walked into the living room, he
searched for me, meeting my stare. His eyebrows furrowed and lips turned down as he looked at me
quizzically.
Whats wrong? He ambled towards me.
Nothing! My voice was high-pitched and squeaky. Shaking his head, his features became
softer, less worried and more intrigued. I spun around and grabbed the surprise by its small, stiff
handles and held it out to him. I bought you something, I said shyly, moving from one leg to the
other.
Why? Its not my birthday. Did I forget a significant day or something? He didnt take the bag
out of my hand right away. Instead, his hand started out at my elbow and then moved slowly down to
my wrist before he wrapped his fingers around the handles. I didnt let go though. I held on as he tried
to pull it out of my fingers. Although playful at first, my nerves took over and anxiety fizzled, making
my grip constrict.
Youre acting strange. Arrow peeled each of my digits away.
Once he freed it from my grasp, I started cracking my fingers. When they wouldnt crack
anymore, I wrung them together. Okay but maybe you should sit down, I suggested with a nervous
grin.
Trembling, I took his hand and pulled him towards the couch. He stared at me as he sat down. Is
there a bomb in here or something? He tried to tease.
Something like that, I joked back.
Alright, lets see what we have here, he muttered, sitting the bag on the table, scooting up to
the edge of the couch and leaning over as he took out the first wad of tissue. Jesus, Briar, did you buy
out the stores tissue supply? he chuckled, pulling out more until I knew he was getting close. He
lifted up the onesie that was still wrapped in yellow tissue paper and began the task of unwrapping it.
Every piece he took off made my heart beat faster. Once the last scrap was gone, he unfolded the
cloth and held it up in front of his face. I watched his eyes as they went blank, his lips quirked to the
side in question. Im pretty sure I could hear the cogs turning in his head.
Uhm, theres another gift in the bag, I said, barely getting the words out.
Still staring at the baby clothes, he reached into the bag and pulled out the sandwich baggy full of
tests.
Briar? His voice cracked, causing the waterfalls Id been harboring to spill over.
Holding the clear bag with the sticks in one hand and the onesie in the other, he turned towards
me, his eyes glassy, looking at me with adoration.
Youre Youre pregnant? Were having a baby? My right hand covered my mouth as a small,
happy sob broke loose while I nodded up and down.
Come here, he demanded, laying the gifts down on the table. I propped myself up on my knees
and crawled towards him on the couch. Once I was close enough, he pulled me into his lap, holding me
tightly, kissing my hair, my temples, nose, eyelids, and then finally my mouth.
With my palms cupping his face, I felt the warm tears gliding down his rough cheeks and
covering my hand.
Were having a baby, Briar Donovan, his watery voice groaned into my ear.
With my arms wrapped around his neck, I pressed myself firmly into his chest, my face fitting
into his neck, and kissed the place above his collarbone. All of the what ifs of my past were now
answered. Arrow was my soul mate, my home, my heart, and my future. I would never have to wonder
what life would have been like with him by my side because here he sat, holding me, loving me, and
giving me a life that only he could give me.
Dear God - Avenged Sevenfold
Backwards Walk - Frightened Rabbit
She Aint You - New Hollow
Rain Falls Down - We The Kings
Just A Dream - Nelly
Breath - Breaking Benjamin
Thinking Of You - Katy Perry
Running Up That Hill - Placebo
When A Heart Breaks - S.O. Stereo
The Only Drug - JB and the Moonshine Band
Stay - Hurts
Skin - Rihanna
Heartbea t- The Fray
Sad - Maroon 5
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room - John Mayer
Say Something - A Great Big World (ft. Christina Aguilera)
Hold On - Colbie Caillat
All The Same - Sick Puppies
Bleed - Hot Chelle Rae
Just A Fool - Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton
Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles
Cant Forget You - My Darkest Days
Dust to Dust - The Civil Wars
Tim, my husband, favorite person, and best friend thank you for supporting my dream and
being my biggest fan. Im just lucky that Ive never had to ask myself what if when it comes to
you because I get to have you next to me everyday! <3
My parents youre always telling people about your daughter being a writer, and even though I
get embarrassed (because then they ask what I write, haha) it still means a lot to me.
Big Tim and Ray for never failing to ask me how my writing is coming along, for teasing me
relentlessly about the steamy aspect of my writing, and for reading my books even though they arent
really your thing. :P
Stacy Borel My absolute best friend!!!! You have been my greatest fan, especially with this
book! Youve pushed me never letting me stop and constantly being a positive voice in my head.
Youve dealt with my constant starts and stops of a bajillion different book ideas and yelled at me
when I didnt finish them until finally I DID! I have to say, I not only enjoy our laughs, our serious
conversations, the fact that I can come to you with anything, but also the fact that you PUSH me to be
a better writer. And for that I am utterly grateful.
Friends and/or Beta Readers Loren Sayre, Anna Easter, Katie Dailey, Jessica Randolph,
Andrenella Dielingen, Jennifer Popina, Melanie Giannelli, and Caitlin Hahn. Thank you to the girls
who have read my book and also to the girls who have shown excitement for What If. Your friendship
means the world to me. I wish I could name all of the friends who have been there for me during this
amazing journey, but that would end up creating an entire new novel. LOL.
There are also some groups Im in that have been supportive, informative, and fun: A101 (yall
know who you are), iScream Books, Book friENDs, Keepin It Real, Slitty Sugars & Toskis Tarts.
Bloggers! Every last one of you who have helped me in any way, shape, or form. THANK YOU!
Eden Crane for going above and beyond what I could ever imagine for my book cover! Your
talent pretty much amazes me.
HEA Bookshelf for setting up my cover reveal. That was awesome, and you were on it! I didnt
stress at all which is crazy because I stress easily. You rock.
Ena Burnette, thank you for your hard work in setting up my release day blitz! Could not have
done it without you.
Integrity formatting thank you for making the inside of my book just as beautiful as the outside.
MY READERS How do I express how important yall are to me? I love the messages I get on
facebook and goodreads and the reviews you leave on amazon, b&n, as well as goodreads. Theres
nothing like hearing how my book has affected you in some way. Thank you for helping to make my
dream a reality. Thank you for taking a chance on a new author. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Xox!
Bayli Lane didnt realize how much she loved creating a world from nothing until college. She
went to Marian University where she majored in Communications, but in her spare time wrote and
read. Her love for reading is what really brought out her desire to create her own novel. After starting
loads of stories and not finishing them, she finally decided it was time to put her passion to work.
Bayli lives with her husband, Tim, in Indiana where she is probably sitting with a large cup of coffee
and her computer, working on her next book.
Other Works by Bayli Lane
Becoming More (August 2013)
Find me here:
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/authorbaylilane
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/bookiebayli
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/BayliBooks
Google+: google.com/+BayliLaneAuthor