BRIDGET JONES

Helen Fielding
VI NTAGE CONTEMPORARI ES
VI NTAGE BOOKS
A DI VI SI ON OF RANDOM HOUSE LLC
NEW YORK
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FIRST VINTAGE CONTEMPORARIES EDITION, JUNE 2014
Copyright 2013 by Helen Fielding
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Vintage Books,
a division of Random House LLC, New York, a Penguin Random House
company. All rights reserved. Originally published in Great Britain by
Jonathan Cape, an imprint of The Random House Group Limited, London,
and subsequently published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf,
a division of Random House LLC, New York, in 2013.
Vintage is a registered trademark and Vintage Contemporaries
and colophon are trademarks of Random House LLC.
This is a work of ction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either
are the product of the authors imagination or are used ctitiously.
Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales
is entirely coincidental.
The Library of Congress has cataloged the Knopf edition as follows:
Fielding, Helen
Bridget Jones : mad about the boy / Helen Fielding.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978- 0- 345- 80795- 3
I. Title. II. Title: Mad about the boy.
PR6056.I35B75 2013
823.'914 C2013- 904990- 8
Vintage ISBN: 978- 0- 345- 80634- 5
eBook ISBN: 978- 0- 385- 35087- 7
www.vintagebooks.com
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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177
DO NOT TWEET WHEN DRUNK
Thursday 10 January 2013
Twitter followers 652, Twitter followers who came back 1,
new Twitter followers 2, alcohol units (do not want to even
think about it. Butquavering voicedont I deserve a little
happiness?).
9.30 p.m. Chloe staying over again after her night out with
Graham in Camden. Is nice sitting down at the end of the
day and updating myself with current affairs and Twitter
with a well-earned glass or two of white wine.
10 p.m. Woah. Fantastic story: Beef Lasagne 100% Horse.
10.25 p.m. Hee hee. Just tweeted.
< @JoneseyBJ Warning: Fish ngers found to be 90%
Sea Horse. >
Sure will be retweeted and bring more followers like
spambot tweet!
Maybe will have another glass of wine. I mean, Chloe
is here, so is ne.
Love that the tone of my Twitter feed is so loving and
friendly. Not like some, where everyone is slagging each other
off. Really, is like going back to the days of Robin Hood
with all these little efdoms and oh . . .
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10.30 p.m. Everyone is slagging me off. And my tweet.
< @_Sunnysmile @JoneseyBJ You think thats a new
joke? Dont you read anyone except yourself on Twitter?
Self-obsessed or what? >
Really need another glass of wine now.
10.45 p.m. Right, am going to tweet back to @sunny or
whatever shes called erself and tick her off. So people
arent allowed to make up their own jokes any more?
11 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile If you dont stop
being mean I will de-follow you. >
11.01 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile Here one
spreads joy & positive energy by tweeting. Rather like birds
do. >
11.07 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ They toil not, neither do they
tweet. Hmm. No, they do tweet though. Thasu point with
birds. >
11.08 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ Anyway f*** em. Stupid birds
apping around tweeting all over s place. Oh oh look at me!
Im a bird! >
11.15 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ Hate birds. Look at that movie
The Birds! Birds can turn MAN-EATING. >
11.16 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ Peecking peoples eyes out with
60s hairdos. Vicious nasty birds. >
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11.30 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ 85 followess gone waway. Why?
Whywasi hwohave I don? comebac!k >
< @JoneseyBJ Noo! Follwers draining away as if through
sieve. >
< @JoneseyBJ Nooo! Hate bireds Hatetweetings Hate
drainqineaway follwoers. An goingsoto bed! >
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TWUNKEN AFTERMATH
Friday 11 January 2013
Twitter followers lost 551, Twitter followers remaining 101,
number of words of screenplay written 0.
6.35 a.m. Will just check my TwiGaaah! Just remem-
bered twunking incoherent drunken rant last night, slagging
off birds for no reason to hundreds of complete strangers.
Oh God. Have clouting hangover and have got to do school
run. Oh, is OK because Chloe is doing school run. Am
going back to sleep.
10 a.m. Look, this can be salvaged, like any other PR disas-
ter. With exception, possibly, of current Lance Armstrong
PR disaster.
10.15 a.m. Right. The Leaves in His Hair. Must get on.
11.15 a.m. Actually, maybe I could have a career in PR!
Oh, shit, is 11.15, must get on with screenplay. First,
though, clearly I quickly need to make a full and frank Twit-
ter apology to my few remaining followers.
< @JoneseyBJ Very sorry re #twunk last night re
birds. >
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11.16 a.m. < @JoneseyBJ Birds delight our ears and eyes
with their feathers and song! And control worms. Leave
birds alone! >
11.45 a.m. Maybe will just throw in quote from Dalai
Lama for good measure:
< @JoneseyBJ Just as a snake sheds its skin so we can
shed our past and begin anew. (@DalaiLama) >
9.15 p.m. Right. Children are asleep. Am going to get back
on Twitter.
9.16 p.m. OMG. Tweet from @_Roxster! Yesss! At least
Roxster has not left in disgust.
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ @DalaiLama Once the hang-
over has cleared? Do you realize youve been singled out
in a #Twunk thread? >
9.17 p.m. Oh God. Everyone is ridiculing me and retweet-
ing my drunken birds tweet. Must try and do damage con-
trol.
< @JoneseyBJ #twunkbirds Look, sorry, I really wish
I hadntwhat is the past tense of tweet? Tweeted?
Twittered? >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ I believe the appropriate term
is Twat. >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Are you being grammatical
or rude? >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ The former *pretentious
voice*: from the Latin, Twitto, Twittarse, Twittat. >
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Hes funny. And pic is handsome. And young-looking.
I wonder who he is?
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Roxster, if you carry on like
this, your 103 remaining Twitterati will be demanding sick
bags. >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Why? Are they all hung-over
because they too were twunking about birds last night? >
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Cheeky young
whippersnapper.
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Please stop being so imper-
tinent, or I shall have to tweak you. >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Tweak or tweet? Best not the
latter. Youve just lost 48 more followers. >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oh no! They think Im a really
neurotic Twitterer and fat. >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Did you just say and fart? >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster No, Roxster, I said and fat.
You seem unhealthily obsessed with farting and vomiting. >
Roxster just retweeted me from one of his followers:
< @Raef_P @Rory See you in ve, yar? Outside the Fart-
age? > adding:
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Posh bastards are skiing in
France. >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster But what is Fartage? >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Waxing. >
10 p.m. Waxing? France? Suddenly have lurching fear that
Roxster is not a cute younger man who nds me entertain-
ing, but gay, and is drawn to me and Talitha as tragic ironic
ruined drag acts, like Lily Savage.
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10.05 p.m. Just called Talitha to get her opinion.
Roxster? That rings a bell. Is he one of my followers?
Hes MY follower! I said indignantly, then conceded,
Though he may have jumped across from you.
Hes adorable. Roxster. Roxby someone. I had a man
on the show who was plugging designer food-recycling cad-
dies and Roxby came with him. He works for some green
eco-charity. Nice young chap. Very handsome. Go for it!
10.15 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Do you go to France
and get waxed, Roxster? >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ *Deep masculine voice*
Jonesey, I am very far from gay. I am talking about waxing
snowboards. >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oh oh, look at me, Im a
young person. I do snowboarding in baggy trousers showing
my underpants. >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Instead of skiing elegantly
with a fur-lined hood. >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Do you like younger men,
Jonesey? >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster *Icy, almost to point of glacier-
esque* Excuse me? What EXACTLY are you implying? >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ *Hides behind sofa* How
old are you, Jonesey? >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oscar Wilde: Never trust a
woman who will tell you her age. If she tells you that she
will tell you anything. >
< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster How old are you, Roxster? >
< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ 29. >
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