Natalie Fry

Opinion Writing
April 3, 2014
Column #5 Humor
Get Over It or Die Trying: The Ten Pet Peeves that will be the Death of Me
Your blood starts to boil. Youre moments away from ripping your hair out. You ball up
your fists ready to take action, but silently convince yourself otherwise. Its gotten under your
skin. Its a pet peeve.
Maybe the platinum blond bimbo in your math class is chomping her gum a little too
viciously or the driver in front of you wont turn right on red. Maybe someones tardiness puts
you behind schedule or the guy across the bar belches at a piercing level. Annoyance is human
nature. And if youre anything like me, your life suddenly transforms to a movie where right
before your eyes you see the scene of how you wish you could handle the situation with you
ultimately walking away Clint Eastwood style from something that exploded.
In no particular order, here are ten of the most annoying things that make me briefly
consider committing some sort of crime or in other words, my ten biggest pet peeves.
1. Bad Grammar As if it hasnt been said before, the digital world has made us lazy (or,
wait maybe that was drive-thrus). Nonetheless, its no excuse to fall short on some of
the most basic words in the dictionary. Most adults have passed the second grade and had
to learn the difference between words like you, your and youre and to, too and two. So,
why am I seeing more and more grammatical errors on Instagram captions and Facebook
statuses? Are you typing too fast? Are you mindlessly multitasking? Get it together. One
use of bad grammar is a warning; any more than that and you might as well return to
elementary school.
2. Getting the Hiccups in Public This seems to happen to me more than Id like to admit.
Sometimes Ill giggle it off with others or bottle it up as long as possible until it has to
erupt like a volcano, but either way its painfully embarrassing and awkward bodily
function at least for me because my hiccups are notorious for being a high pitched dog-
just-got-stepped-on kind of screech. Cute, right?
3. Cyclists Who Bike in the Street When Theres a Sidewalk Theres a sidewalk for a
reason. In fact, I think it was invented as a mini road specifically for bicyclists. Or at least
I wish it was. Can I be candid about something? (Whats new?) When I see a spandex
wrapped human pedaling their little heart out to compete with vehicles driving faster than
theyll ever ride, a brief thought of accidentally playing bumper cars with them washes
over me. Am I wrong? Can I get an amen? Maybe a hallelujah? I cant be alone on this
one.
4. People Who Dont Cover Their Mouth When They Cough or Sneeze Need I say
more?
5. Squeaky or Wobbly Chairs If its squeaky, its comparable to a sound effect from
some low-budget horror movie. If its wobbly, each fall to the side or back and forth feels
like youre slowly creeping off the edge of a cliff. Is it too much to ask for a silent, steady
seat? (Oh, and I wouldnt mind some cushion too.) All would be right with the world if
we could all lean our little behinds into something sure to not rock us onto the floor or
split our eardrums. Until then, I guess you can find me on the floor.
6. Being Interrupted Sometimes its completely innocent, but being interrupted by
someone who ends up redirecting the conversation back to him or herself is grounds for
lethal retaliation. OK, maybe not, but it sure is frustrating. I understand weve all done it
and will likely do it again, but we need to be mindful of it. If you do it, apologize and let
the person keep talking and then when they are finished, speak your piece. Part of being a
good converser is being a good listener, and if you cant do that, well youll probably
be stuck talking to a wall. And lets be honest, youll probably interrupt it too.
7. People at the Gym I hate just about everyone at the gym, minus the hot personal
trainers. You can avoid being hated if you follow four easy rules: A) dont show up in
such minimal clothing that I know exactly what your birthday suit looks like; B) dont
grunt so loud while lifting weights that it sounds like youre giving birth; C) dont try to
outshine the rest of us. Unless youre playing in the NFL or the NBA, you dont get to
compete with the person next to you and you certainly shouldnt dare an eye roll or a
smirk; and D) dont even bother coming if youre skinny. Youve already done your time.
Go home.
8. Being Called Honey by Someone Your Own Age Excuuuuse me? Oh, no she
didnt. I could throw a backhand when this happens. If you arent my mom, my grandma
or some authoritative figure, dont give me a pet name. It will not in end your favor. Girls
are guilty for this, and Im fully aware that I identify with this gender, but I think, for the
sake of preventing a catfight, we need to reconsider the term before using it on one
another. If you didnt know already, most of us certainly arent sweet like honey.
9. Fake Laughs Geez, you probably think Im about ready to whip out the claws by now.
Not to fear. I wont use them on you unless you fake laugh. Now, sometimes its
inevitable, like when you feel obligated to laugh at a joke your uncle shares at
Thanksgiving, but if youre going to do it, you better do it well enough to be awarded an
Oscar. But since most of us dont have the potential to be an A-list actor, its almost
always recognizable and youll look over the top. I think its almost ruder to fake laugh
than to not laugh at all. So either find it funny, or find your mouth shut with all due
respect, of course.
10. Unflushed Toilets in Public Restrooms Im almost positive Id rather do just about
anything else in the world than come across one of these demons. It literally burns my
eyes at the mere sight of such destruction. When I open a bathroom stall, that toilet water
better be clear and free from any sign of prior use or all hell will break loose. I mean
really, how hard is it to push down a handle? And if you fear touching the germ-infested
handle with your fingers, break out your inner gymnast and lift your leg up to flush it
with your foot. Its a simple step, one people too often easily forget or selfishly choose to
ignore (if youre like my 12-year-old brother), but with each flush, you can do your part
to save someones innocent eyes from unspeakable torture.
Note: This column is a complete rant. That is all.