Most Common Questions 3

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse
Patrick de Ferreira
MOST COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT SURVIVING

EMOTIONAL ABUSE...AND THE ANSWERS:
self-help for men (and friends) who are in abusive relationships
How to cope with an angry partner/friend - There are a lot

of books out there which deal with anger management - But
none seem to deal with men as the abused partner/friend. How does one cope with the anger thrust upon them? Should
one forgive ones partners/friends outbursts?- How many
times? What are the triggers?- What excuses are you giving
for your partners or friends behavior?- Why is it
important to stop it? - What can the reader hope to get from
this e-book? Techniques, solutions and resources are included.
How can you look after yourself when your partner/friend
expresses anger with you. - Remember, it is not your fault.
Most common questions about surviving emotional abuse and the answers
By Patrick de Ferreira
2011
Published by Michael Mardel
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1...Introduction. 4
Chapter 2...Unsatisfactory Relationships
Chapter 3...Confrontations 13
Chapter 4...Signs of Abuse. 17
Chapter 5...Mindset, Marriage and Relationships.. 22
Chapter 6...Healthy Relationships..25
Chapter 7...Staying in a Healthy Relationship... 31
Chapter 8...Forgiveness.. 37
Chapter 9...Cognitive Behavior Therapy41
Chapter 10..Solutions. 44
Bibliography. 49
Patrick de Ferreira
Chapter 1 Introduction
ANGER
When we were small we expressed anger because we were tired, hungry or wet.
Anger can be a good thing as it helps us to fight or flee a perceived attack.
Thus we have a trigger, our interpretation of the trigger and our bodys response.
I will refer to your partner or friend as feminine and if you are in a same-sex relationship, change it to masculine.
Our partners/friends behavior can be changed.
Her thoughts and beliefs can be changed.
The bodily component can be changed.
The triggers can be shown.
Questions:
What is happening just before the abuse occurs?
Where is it happening?
How is it happening?
When is it happening?
Why is it happening?
That is what this book is about. You will be asked questions which may or may not
relate to you every time.
We will look at anger, abuse, harassment and whether they are related.
We will look at cognitive behavior therapy to give you some methods of coping.
We will look at your mindset and how you could change it to have a healthy relationship.
And how many times do you, might you, forgive your partner?
UNDERSTANDING ANGER.
Problems arise when the response is over the top or abusive. The expression of anger
may be in response to a perceived threat or challenge.
An abusive response is when the person on the receiving end is put down in an
aggressive manner.
There has been no threat but something has triggered it off. It may have been
building for days and we have had no idea.
Aggression is a learned behavior which can be changed.
Her thinking patterns and beliefs can be altered.
She can learn coping strategies.
She can identify the triggers.
There may be relationship/friendship problems.
Is her lifestyle stressed and unbalanced? (cf Powell, 2009, p.152)
Patrick de Ferreira
Do you fit any of the following criteria of an abused person?

1. Intense need for love and affection
2. Low self-esteem
3. Drug or alcohol dependence
4. A background of abuse, physical, sexual or emotional.
5. Enforced isolation leading to resentment
6. Co-dependent personality disorder or addiction
7. Belief that it will change if I try harder.
8. Repeated attempts to leave the relationship
(cf Personality traits in abusive relationships)
These are just a few and more will be discussed in Chapter 4, signs of abuse.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Does this happen to you?
1. She repeatedly gives you destructive criticism
2. She always claims to be right.
3. She excludes you from making decisions.
4. She minimizes or denies her abusive behavior.
5. She prevents you from seeing your friends or relatives.
(cf Goldsmith, 2008, p.2)
Again, this will be discussed in Chapter 4.
ASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness is another area to explore. The baby can assert his needs, usually by crying.
How can you assert yourself, not so much as to get what you want, but to not be put
down?
In the middle of an abusive episode, how can you assert yourself, stand up for yourself?
The abuse can be so sudden that your breath is taken away and you cant respond in a
verbal manner.
You dont want to be caught up in her tantrum but you do want to respond.
One method is called the Stop! Technique where you say stop to yourself.
I have been caught up in a few abusive relationships myself and I find it hard to say
stop when a tirade occurs. Ive found it effective on other occasions when Ive been
prevailed upon and I want to study. It changed my mindset and she eventually left me
which was what I wanted even though it hurt at the time.
When my thoughts turn to unpleasant situations I use the Rewind technique to replace
unwanted memories with pleasant ones. More on that in Chapter 10.
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Patrick de Ferreira
Chapter 2 Unhealthy Relationships

A passive response and an aggressive one can lead to an unhealthy relationship/
friendship.
Are you the passive type who crosses his arms to protect himself?
Are you the assertive type who can sit upright and be relaxed?
Is she the aggressive type who points her finger, clenches her fist or leans
forward or over you?
Are you passive and avoid eye contact?
Or can you be assertive by using eye contact?
Is she aggressive and tries to stare you down and intimidate you?
Are you passive in your facial expressions with e.g. jaw trembling?
Or are you assertive with a relaxed jaw and steady features?
Is she sneering, scowling, with a set jaw?
Is your speech passive with hesitant pauses and clearing your throat?
Or can you be fluent with few hesitations?
Are her words fast and clipped?
Is your speech monotonous and quietly dropping away?
Or are you sincere and clear?
Is her tone sarcastic, hard, sharp, strident, loud?
(cf Powell, 2009, p.66)
Here I am suggesting that the abuser is also aggressive in their body language and their
speech.. Of course, the assertive person has the ideal response which may aggravate
the abuser because you refuse to get into a fighting match.
Of course, each situation is different. There may be no overt aggression but the result is
the same, abuse.
I once counselled a man whose wife came home one evening with a new lover.
He was relegated to the spare bedroom because she wanted to share the conjugal bed
with her lover. This was the straw that broke the camels back and sent him to me. It had
started off as BDSM (bondage-discipline sado-masochism) whereby she was the
Mistress and he was her slave. As time went on, he was doing more and more
household tasks, in various stages of dress and undress. At least he had her full attention
as she whipped him. Now that had changed and there was no safe word to revert to their
previous life. He had been passive for so long, he had forgotten how to be assertive. He
had no money as she controlled it because she was the only one earning at the time. He
had the two options of flight or fight. He had to decide to assert himself or leave. It
wasn't an easy choice and legal advice was needed so that he was recompensed for their
time together.
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THE TYRANNY OF SHOULDS

List five shoulds about yourself then five about other people.
You may have one that says she shouldnt abuse me.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of these shoulds?
What substitute could you give?
E.g. I would prefer it if she didnt abuse me.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.99)
How can you build up resilience in the face of the abuse?
Where are you successful?
What strategies do you use or have you used to be successful?
Are there thoughts or self-statements that you use?
Images, sayings, feelings, even song lyrics?
What have you done so far to deal with the abuse?
(cf Powell, 2009, p.103)
ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR PARTNER/FRIEND:
According to the work of Holmes & Rahe (1967) in Powell (2009), changes in the
amount of arguments with spouse have a life changing unit of 34.
This is quite low but add in other stresses and you could reach 300 which increases
your susceptibility to stress-related problems.
What habits sabotage your relationship/friendship?
Are you listening when your partner/friend is picking a fight with you?
Are you thinking of what to say next?
Or are you so astounded there is nothing coming from you?
Do you avoid discussing the flare-up?
Do you complain about it?
Do either of you use threatening language like Im leaving?
Do you feel resentful for all youve given her, done for her?
Do you nag her to change?
Do you begrudge her the arguments?
Can you accept your partners/friends mistakes?
Do you judge her and not allow her to choose her next
action? Do you criticize her?
What role are you playing in these arguments?
Dont put yourself down. You need to show the person she fell in love with or likes as a
friend.
Dont discuss your marital/friendship problems with your family. You dont need them
to take sides.
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Do you make demands on your partner to improve?

What areas can you share?
Can you compromise on anything?
How do you choose to react to your partner?
Do you spend much time together?
Do you go silent on her in an exchange?
Do either of you play mind games?
What alternative solutions are there?
What alternatives do you want in the relationship?
Can you accept her the way she is?
Do you want her to be abusive?
Is she very demanding of you?
STOP technique:
This is good if youre feeling burdened by your partner asking you to do things for
her, like taking her grocery shopping and youre in the middle of doing something.
Whose needs are greater?
You have to eat and she cant drive so you compromise and stay in the car and do
your thing. You hate shopping and like to get in and out as quickly as possible.
Whereas your partner likes to take her time. And she likes her greens which you
avoid at all costs.
Using body-centred psychotherapy, stand up and imagine carrying a weighty
backpack. Feel the weight on your shoulders, filled with all the things your partner
demands of you. Now shrug it off as you say the word stop.
Push against a wall and say stop.
I was given this exercise when it transpired that I was in a co-dependent
relationship. I had to silently say stop every time my partner asked me to do
something for her. Once I slipped up and said it out loud. She asked me what I said
but I kept quiet.
After about a month of this she left me. It was what I wanted but it still hurt.
You can replace the negative thoughts with positive self-talk and in Chapter 10 I spell
out the rewind technique whereby you can replace traumatic events like abusive
outbursts with something pleasant.
Patrick de Ferreira
Do you deny that you have been abused?

Was it so confronting that you have trouble recalling it?
How is your self-esteem?
Do you feel loyal to your abuser?
Are you drinking more, or doing drugs?
Chemical dependency is one way of coping.
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through
fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults.
(Effects of abuse, p.1)
Does this relate to you?
Or the abuse could be a one-off with yelling thrown in.
It is still a put-down, leaving you fearful of upsetting them again.
In my case, it was over the TV. I made a statement which was not heard clearly or
misunderstood. The volume of my partners response made little sense to me and I
realise I had not articulated well-enough.
Now, when we want the other person to listen, we hit the mute or pause button
before either of us speaks.
It works when all variables are covered and her impatience with my lack of
hearing is diminished.
What is rage?
Rage is violent, uncontrollable anger.
According to About rage and raging, rage is by definition abuse.
Ragers react to strong emotions such as fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or
loss. (p.1)
Sometimes ragers are reacting to something in their childhood, e.g.
Ill give you something to cry about. (p.1.)
The plus side of rage is that they feel powerful because it offsets their shame and
inadequate feelings. And it sets up an addictive neurochemical reaction in their
brain. (cf p.1.)
Healthy anger is Okay when it doesnt seek to punish, is not violent and isnt used
to intimidate, control or manipulate.
Patrick de Ferreira
The next time a rage happens, try the Stop! technique if you can.
Sometimes I cant as the rage Ive been subjected to has been too overpowering
especially if it has come from nowhere and one is left like a stunned mullet,
floundering in a shallow stream, not able to breathe.
Thats why breathing in and out is good for the abused. And even that conscious
thought may be battered.
You may think the word stop anytime you speak to each other so that you dont
become co-dependent on the abuse.
CO-DEPENDENCY is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a
partner, typically one with an illness or addiction that requires support.
One may be addicted to anger which needs a partner to be angry with. If
you break the cycle then the co-dependency will shatter. (cf Brescia)
MEDITATION is another way to calm oneself down and there are plenty on the
Internet e.g. FreeMeditations.com
Remember, you can always walk away after youve offered the abuser kindness.
(Schrader, 2011, p.1)
RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Do you believe you consciously or unconsciously attract the abuse to you?
Did something similar happen to you as a child? In your
past? All my relationships have had abusive moments.
Before them I entered a religious order where we were regularly abused to see if we
could take it.
What are you holding onto by staying in the relationship/friendship?
Is it retrievable or not?
Parenthood and careers can lead to a relationship break-up where one wants children
and the other doesnt or is ambivalent, where one is offered a job in another state and
the other has a vested interest in staying where they are.
Are there other underlying tensions? Is
she critical of you in front of others?
Perhaps youve got your woman and dont see the need to try anymore.
Maybe you justify this because of her behavior to you.
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What are your underlying beliefs to all this?

This can cover a wide range, from how you feel about her as an abuser, to how you
felt when you first met.
Do you really want to communicate your feelings?
Your partner/friend is not psychic and cannot guess what the problems are for you.
Nor are you psychic in working out why she isnt happy.
By communicating you both can clear the air and learn what each other is feeling
or thinking.
Do you communicate respect for your partner/friend?
Maybe youre in a position of power, having greater earnings.
Do you spend an inordinate amount of it on things for yourself and not on her.
(cf Leigh, 2011, p.1)
Are you giving yourselves time apart so you can share when you meet up again?
(cf Stephenson b, 2011, p.1)
How committed are you to making your relationship/friendship work?
What was your life like in the beginning?
What did you like about
her? Whats changed?
Can you live with her changes?
How have you changed, if at all?
(cf Himmelrich, 2011, p.1)
Do you feel nurtured?
Do you want to wake up one day in the future and wonder what might have been?
It may not be a question of hanging in there but the need to make a clean break, to
do something for yourself.
How do you decide what is a healthy relationship/friendship?
One way to gauge this is by looking at how nurtured you feel.
Its not just the abuse, its how your partner/friend deals with it.
Does she say sorry straightaway or days later?
There is no right or wrong way to look at this.
Are you being co-dependent on her abuse, finding excuses for her?
Are you scared to approach her about her abuse if she hasnt said sorry?
Are you scared to leave?
Maybe she has her money in the house and you have
none. If you leave, where would you live?
Do you have enough money to rent?
Do you have friends you could stay with?
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Thats a big ask.

If it were me I would want to lick my wounds on my own but then Ive had my
own place for 20 years, though not now.
You deserve to be happy but only you can choose to stay or go.
(cf Russo, 2011, p.1)
Ask yourself this:
Do you have enough in common to keep the relationship going?
(cf Stephenson a, 2011, p.1)
Then theres the regrets.
A survey by Roese and Morrison found that 18% of the 370 participants cited
romance as a common regret. And more women (44%) than men (19%) had regrets
involving love and family.
The first lesson is to move on and do something different. The second lesson is to
come to terms with what you have, accept it and move on.
(Melnick, 2011, p.1&3)
What if she wants you back or you want her
back? Shes promising not to abuse you.
Can you trust her?
You may have forgiven her outbursts but do not forget them.
You may decide she is worth another try and you really dont want to spend the rest
of your life without her.
Your friends may think youre crazy, especially if you have told them about the abuse.
It is better not to tell friends. A close mate may be OK as you might have needed
someone to confide in. But later he might be uncomfortable around your partner/
friend if you get back together.
***
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Chapter 3 Confrontation
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
What does it mean to you?
It is the repeated making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks to a
person, usually in a workplace.
According to Settles et al (2011) in one quoted study, 50% of working women and
approximately 15% of men have at least one sexual harassment at work. Compare
this with 65% for women in the military.
Men are rewarded for exerting their power but what if you have a female doing it to
you?
Are you frightened by her outbursts?
Are you in a lose-win situation?
If she apologises does this make it a win-win situation?
Do you perceive yourself to be harassed, either at home or in the workplace?
WHAT DOES TO HARASS MEAN?
The Oxford dictionary gives two meanings:
1.torment by subjecting to constant interference or intimidation (verb).
2.(adj.-harassed): strained as a result of having too many demands made on one.
[The origin comes from French harasser, from harer set a dog on, and from the
Germanic hare: a cry urging a dog to attack.]
Does your partner build up slowly in her anger or does she come on full bore without warning?
Is her behavior aggressive?
Do you feel fearful?
Do you feel pushed to the brink of despair?
Are you worried about taking a wrong move and everything will come crashing
down?
Can you meet halfway?
What is halfway?
How much do you have to give to help repair the abuse?
Are you ready to change?
Is she ready to change?
What do you have to do as the abused?
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ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN OR WHAT SHE COULD BE?
Are your actions saying you deserve this abuse if it continues?
According to How to save your relationship (2011), you have taught your partner
how to treat you. (p.4)
But you are not the cause of her bad behavior nor can you make her change.
Does your partner refuse to take responsibility for her actions?
Tell her how you feel, e.g. I feel scared when you yell at me.
The main thing is, try not to be critical of her.
If your partner apologises after an outburst and you forgive her, do not remind her
later.
Do not make demands of her.
Choose a quiet time by yourselves to discuss the occasion and listen carefully.
Never air your grievances in public.
Do you feel you are in the right?
Allow her to take responsibility for her actions.
Are you sexually intimate?
Again, discuss it in a quiet way.
Why has the spark died?
Are there medical problems?
HAS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM TAKEN A DIVE?
Do you feel attracted to your wife?
Why not?
Are you both happy?
When did you last date? Visit a sex shop?
Do you show affection?
When did you last hold hands, kiss?
Thank her for the wonderful things she does (kids, work, around the house).
Are you trying to be everything for her?
She needs her own friends and interests.
Remember
You are a valuable, worthwhile human being who deserves to be happy and loved.
(How to save your relationship, 2011, p.26)
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Why does conflict occur?

Whenever there are two points of view.
According to Nemerouf and Brody (2010), Conflict management is more about
managing the thoughts we have about what the other person is saying. (p.1)
What is her trigger?
What sets her off?
What is your perceived loss?
Are you afraid of losing your relationship?
Are you feeling anger in response to her outburst?
After all I do for her, this is how she treats me.
What is your bodily reaction to this trigger of loss?
Is it fight or flight?
Is the action of words so overpowering you cant see past it?
Can you open yourself to accept that this moment is part of your partners
makeup?
YOUR DECISION:
In the moment of abuse its natural to shut down, and probably self-preserving.
After a few minutes or days you may be able to discuss the abuse in a rational
manner without saying youre wrong and Im right.
It is counter-productive if you want your relationship to survive.
You have to make that decision.
HOW MANY APOLOGIES?
Your partner probably shuts down after the abusive outburst and you cannot reason
with her unless she apologises straight away.
It can happen. Its happened to me.
Then you have the choice of accepting the apology.
But how many times can you forgive her?
This is covered in Chapter 8 but the answer is infinitely.
Its still your decision to make.
Any arbitrary number means youll be counting down to the next outburst and, by
default, will be expecting her to slip up.
A definite negative thought which you want to quell.
CONFRONTING:
Have you thought about not confronting your partner about the abuse?
Is it worth the aggravation or are you really wanting to clear the air?
Think about it - will it be a good or a bad outcome?
If you do confront her, be prepared to listen to her side of the argument, keeping to
the facts.
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CONFRONTING (contd):
Be careful of what you want to complain about with words like:
I feel like you are (abusing) me when you act that way towards me.
(Ritchie, 2011, p.1)
This is not an outright accusation but a way of showing how you feel.
Dont forget your own exercises at being calm like deep breathing, plus practicing
what you want to say.
You dont want to display anger or fear so you need to be sure of what you want
to say.
If your partner reacts angrily, help her see her behavior.
Do not get into an argument.
FINALLY:
Do you feel you are giving away your power to your abusive partner?
Do you feel you are the helpless victim of the abuse?
Whos going to come to your rescue?
When you give away your power you are giving away yourself, what you
believe in, losing your self-confidence.
E.g. deferring your choice of restaurant to her, then being upset because it wasnt
a great place to eat after all, then resenting her for choosing it, then being upset
with yourself for not speaking up and making the choice, which further undermines your self confidence. (cf Arrizza, 2011)
Does this look like you are submitting to her?
She may be controlling but you do have a choice.
Are you afraid of her abusing you if you do speak up?
Do you want to keep the peace and not fall into little pieces?
Its your choice.
***
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Chapter 4 Signs of Abuse

HERE IS A LIST OF ABUSE
WARNING SIGNS. Look at this
list.
Do you fit anywhere here?
If so, you are being subjected to emotional abuse which is just as damaging as
physical abuse.
Extreme jealousy
Emotional withholding
Lack of intimacy
Raging
Sexual coercion
Infidelity
Verbal abuse
Threats
Lies
Broken promises
Physical violence
Power play
Control games.
(Abusive relationships, p.1)
Maybe your partner was abused herself.
Maybe her father emotionally abused her and she wasnt aware of it.
How well equipped are you to deal with this?
IS SHE AN ADDICT OR AN ALCOHOLIC?
Then you both need to think about NA or AA for her and Alanon and Coanon for
yourself.
Can you step away and leave the situation, especially if the abuse becomes
physical?
This is a drastic step but one to think about for your own peace of mind and
safety.
This extreme measure may be necessary if your partner refuses to change,
to acknowledge her abuse of you.
WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP ABUSE?
...a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and
control over (an) intimate partner...Abuse can be emotional, psychological,
financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation and intimidation.
Abuse tends to escalate over time. (Stanford, p.1)
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HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO HER VERBAL ABUSE?

Are you scared, confused, angry?
Do you blame yourself?
Dont blame yourself.
Take yourself seriously.
OTHER SIGNS OF
ABUSE:
Name calling insults
Put downs
Youre prevented from going to work or study Youre
stopped from seeing your family and friends
She tries to control how you spend your money, where you go, what you wear
She acts jealous or possessive and even accuses you constantly of being unfaithful
She gets angry when she drinks or uses drugs
She threatens you with violence
She strikes you (even chokes you), as well as your children or your pets
She assaults you when youre asleep, drunk or not paying attention - this makes
up for the difference in strength if this is the case (Ive had partners stronger than
me) She forces you to have sex against your will
She blames you for her violent behavior or that you deserve it.
(cf Mayo Clinic, p.1-2)
DO YOU FIT ANY OF THE FOLLOWING CRITERIA OF
AN ABUSED PERSON?
Intense need for love and affection
Low self-esteem (dont deserve better treatment)
Drug or alcohol dependency
A background of abuse, be it physical, emotional or sexual
ACOA issues (children of alcoholics/addicts) Codependent personality disorder or addiction
(excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one with an
illness or addiction who requires supportOxford dictionary)
Enforced isolation leading to resentment
Strong need for a relationship to validate you
Gain a sense of worth by caretaking the abuser
Inability to set and enforce personal boundaries
Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act out in other ways
Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional and physical safety
Believe that it will change if I try harder
Repeated attempts to leave the relationship
Inability to follow through with leaving return to her again and again
Clinical depression, self-medication
Thoughts of suicide or attempts.
(cf Personality traits in abusive relationships. p.1)
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THE FOLLOWING TRAITS MAY BE IN YOUR

ABUSIVE PARTNER:
Uncontrolled temper
Extremely jealous
An intense fear of abandonment
A background of abuse, abandonment, ACOA issues (adult children of alcoholics)
Unrealistic expectations of a relationship
Isolation and antisocial temperament
Recklessness - driving, drug use
Cannot accept responsibility for her behavior and actions
Cruel to children and animals
Threats of violence Low
self-esteem, shame
Co-dependent personality disorder
[According to Wikipedia (2011) co-dependency is a tendency to behave in overly
passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships
and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority
than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.]
Violates boundaries
Drug or alcohol dependent
Fears being out of control
Need for power and control to negate out of control fear
Bipolar disorder or Borderline Personality disorder.
[you cannot judge these two:
Bipolar is when one has highs (manic) and lows that may continue for months or
years.)
SOME SIGNS OR SYMPTOMS
OF MANIA:
Restlessness
Extreme irritability
Little sleep needed
Spending sprees.
Some signs of depression:
Lasting sad, anxious or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness and
pessimism Sleeping too much
Thoughts of death or suicide.
(Powell, 2009, p.195)
Inappropriate, intense anger is one criteria of a borderline personality
disorder according to Grohol, 2011)]
Lastly, the abuse may escalate when the abused partner leaves.
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As you may see, there are some overlaps.

Go to the Bibliography to find the websites if you wish to know more.
We are supposed to choose people who have the traits that we want to work on,
albeit unconsciously.
On a blank sheet of paper (or on the computer) make a heading of both
your names.
Under each name list the traits you think apply to you and those to her.
Are any the same?
Of course it doesnt follow that your partner has one or other of the disorders.
I have bipolar and Ive been abused; in fact all my relationships have had one or
more emotional abuse episodes.
Are you in this picture?
Verbal abuse
You change yourself to please her
She says she loves you but doesnt act like it
She needs you to need her
She is controlling and obsessive, checking up on your every move (and email),
even to checking your mileage
(cf McNeil, 2011, p.1)
What about these emotional abuses?
She repeatedly gives you destructive criticism, verbal threats and intimidation.
She always claims to be right.
She excludes you from making decisions.
She abuses your trust by lying, hiding important information and papers, cheating
or being jealous.
She minimizes or denies abusive behavior.
She shows disrespect, puts you down or embarrasses you in front of others.
She harasses you by following you or checking up on you.
She prevents you from seeing your relations or friends or insists on going everywhere with you.
She monitors your phone calls.
If you answer yes to one or more of these statements, you should seek help according to Goldsmith (2008, p.2).
There is the danger it could only become worse.
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How may the abuser manage her anger?

1.
She needs to look at the consequences of losing her temper. Then look at the
benefits of controlling it.
2.
She needs to learn how to be assertive so there is a win-win situation. She
needs to ventilate her feelings.
3.
What sets her off? What are the triggers? Keep a diary to identify a pattern.
4.
What feeling is underneath her anger? I feel hurt when you criticize me.
5.
What should beliefs are hidden? I should, I must, I ought to are better out
of her vocabulary. It would be nice is preferable.
6.
Get her to repeat some positive statements when she gets into a stressful
situation.
7.
Relaxation exercises are recommended, including deep breathing. Practice
them so she can use them in a stressful situation.
8.
She needs to rehearse her statements, relax her body, and speak slowly.
9.
Finally, walk away if the situation is too stressful.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.153.)
***
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Chapter 5 Mind set, Marriage and Relationships

What is a mind set?
Its a habitual way of thinking according to the Oxford dictionary.
How idealistic is it to look forward to years of happiness in a marriage?
Do you feel you deserve to be happy?
How can you change the negative thoughts into happy ones?
Are you feeling unloved?
What little things prove this to you?
E.g. holding hands when you walk down the
street. What has changed?
Are you afraid she will walk away if you bring up the matter of abuse?
Do you feel like distancing yourself?
(cf Pemo, 2011)
Can you revise your thoughts and beliefs about your relationship?
Your attitudes?
Your expectations?
What do you fear?
What critical self-talk do you engage in?
Whats your story?
What are you grateful for?
The difference between people is their mindset according to Wasson.
A healthy mindset is how you think, interpret and react to others and situations.
(p.5)
Think of someone in your life who is nearly always positive most of the time.
Then think of the opposite.
Which is your mindset?
Are you game to go inside to check on your thoughts, beliefs, attitudes
and expectations? (p.7)
What negative names were you given at school?
I was called a plodder which meant I was not expected to leap ahead or keep
up with the bright ones in my class. Remember, this was my interpretation.
After I left high school I plodded along and got a Bachelor of Education and
two Graduate Diplomas including one in Psychology.
By the way, to plod means to walk doggedly and slowly with heavy steps, work
slowly and perseveringly at a dull task. (Oxford)
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Do you have a mindset that youre not good enough to be in a loving relationship?
Have you been in previous relationships where your partner walked out after a few
years?
It happened to me twice and the only thing I could blame myself for was being
critical of them. I never said it out loud but I thought it.
Those two relationships were precursors to now.
I still catch myself having critical thoughts but I brush them aside with the
Stop word.
Im doing the dishes and my partners mug is not in the sink. I think Stop, and
then I go and find it.
My intention is not to be critical of her or me.
I need to accept my wish to have the dishes done, the washing put on and hung out
to dry and later brought in.
None of this has anything to do with my partner.
I choose to do it like I chose to paint her house when we moved there for a short
time.
There are things to do around our new house (which is 60 years old) and the
garden but my partner refrains from nagging me about cracks and the high grass. I
nag myself. She gets a gardener in to deal with the weeds and mulching because
we are both working. I decide what to plant from my Growing your own school
textbook.
Do you feel doomed to failure when you are abused?
How would it be if your marriage failed?
Do you feel you could cope?
It is able to be done.
If you dont think so, then you are putting yourself in a negative space.
Can you get out of this negative space?
Can you stop blaming your partner for abusing you?
Remember the BDSM man who was trapped in a three-way relationship.
He let himself be the victim and she abused his trust.
Do you have the mindset that your partner is difficult to deal with?
Thats easily solved. You can use the stop technique every time you feel critical
of her.
Sounds simple? Sure is but its worked for me on many occasions and Ive even
coached my partner in it as she has an annoying boss where she gives her
services voluntarily.
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Cooper (2011) reckons that ...all of the parts of ourselves that cause us pain and
we have repressed, start to show up in other people. (p.2)
Our ego wont accept that it is anything to do with us.
Our partner may have those parts we havent realised in ourselves.
And of course, these are blind to us in the beginning of a relationship.
Regardless of where our negative beliefs come from, how may we transcend
them? Arrizza (2011) recommends hypnosis.
Mindfulness:
What is it?
The intentional, non-judgmental, moment-to-moment awareness of our experience
as it unfolds. (Powell, 2009, p.110)
If you are aware of each moment, you can bring your awareness to them.
If you are aware of how you are feeling when an abusive outburst happens,
you may deal with the negativity more effectively.
You may need to see there is a healthy and unhealthy self-acceptance of what is
happening.
You are both human with defects but there is room for forgiveness or growth.
One way to find mindfulness in your life is to be aware of a simple task like doing
the dishes. What are you thinking as you wash them? Try deep breathing and see
where it takes you.
How to take care of yourself:
Give yourself something nice like a present or a treat.
Make time to do relaxing activities.
Be selfish sometimes.
Allow others to look after you when you are ill.
Plan events in your life that you can look forward to, like a holiday or an outing.
Every day make sure you have some time to do something pleasurable for yourself.
Make a point of looking after your appearance and health.
Be gracious when somebody gives you a present or compliments you on something youve done.
Praise yourself if you think you have done a good job.
Feel you are in control of your life, not how others want you to be.
Make a point of eating a healthy diet and dont skip meals.
Deliberately engage in exercise and keep yourself physically fit.
Deliberately make time to cultivate friendships with people you like.
Make time to engage in absorbing, meaningful hobbies and activities.
Put your needs first sometimes, even if others are hurt.
Say no when other people make demands on you.
***
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Chapter 6 Healthy Relationships

What is self-esteem?
Confidence in ones own worth or abilities.
Do you feel good enough?
Do you respect and admire yourself?
Do you lack something?
Are you frustrated by this?
What happens when you feel low self-esteem?
Do you lack confidence?
Do you follow your dreams or not?
Do you feel depressed?
Can you rise above it?
Is there something lacking in your life?
Which emotions give rise to a lowering of self-esteem?
Anger and sadness are two.
Which emotions give rise to an uplifting of self-esteem?
Practice feeling these emotions.
Did you feel better thinking about joy, love, happiness, inner peace, feeling
grateful and forgiveness?
(cf Arrizza, 2009, p.7)
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the negative emotions keep rearing their
ugly heads.
Does this weigh you down?
How would you feel if there were a stop button for the negativity?
Remember, we discussed this in Chapter 1.
I felt negative toward my partner and was in a co-dependent relationship.
To break that I used the stop technique, saying stop to myself every time she
asked me to do something for her. I still did what she asked but Id changed my
mindset.
Would you feel uplifted?
Lightness vs. heaviness, positive vs. negative.
You are probably reading this because you have had a crisis in your relationship/
friendship.
Are you worried about breaking up?
Are you worried about saying the wrong thing?
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Is your partner/friend willing to discuss the issue?

This is good news because ...when you change, your relationship must change,
therefore action (leads to) reaction.
(How to save your relationship, p.3)
Why should you have to change when youre the one whos been abused?
You have taught your partner how to treat you.
Now you need to change your mindset.
I didnt discuss my co-dependency with my partner but I changed my
thinking and she left.
You may be scared of your partner/friend leaving you or you may want her to
leave.
This is when you make your list of what you both enjoy and what you dont.
You may find there is a lot in common and it is worth the effort of meeting halfway and finding out what sets her off, what breaks the straw and leads her to snap.
Gunzberg (2010) recommends not running away from your feelings when you
are sad. (p.4)
He suggests letting the feelings out.
How did you feel when she blasted you with her anger? Fearful?
How can you cope with this emotion?
Breathe, distance yourself, take care of yourself, talk to a friend, get out of the
house, exercise. (p.5)
Feeling leads to thinking and vice versa.
You need to break the deadlock: track your thoughts, challenge their veracity,
then use self-affirmations when your negative thinking arises.
E.g. I know I am going to be OK, Think positive, One step at a time, the feelings
always pass away. (cf Powell, 2009, p.18)
Do you know what your partner/friend wants?
When the abuse has died down what can you do to show she is valued?
Are you comfortable with each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together?
Are you willing to go the distance and show her acts of kindness, e.g. What
would you like from the kitchen? as you go to get a drink.
(cf Cucan, 2011, p.4)
Just make sure she hears you so your position is important, especially if the TV is
blaring.
Either mute it or turn down the sound and look at her.
You might have a pause control button and that's preferable because then you
wont miss anything.
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When you are listening to your partner/friend, are you waiting to put your spin on
it?
Do you avoid confronting your partner/friend over her abuse?
Do you try to solve your problems or do you harp on them? Does she?
Are you feeling bullied/intimated/made to do what she wants?
Is there malice in her rage?
Does she find fault with you? Henpeck you?
Do either of you bring up past grievances?
You need to move on.
Can you accept your partners/friends faults or are you going to remind her
forever?
Are you stuck with the statement: She shouldnt treat me like this if she loves
me or ...values me as a friend?
Do you constantly find fault with your partner or she with you?
You are both part of the problems and need to work through it.
Do you put yourself down?
Dont, it just adds fuel to her fire.
Have you ever told a family member of your partners/friends abuse?
Again, dont as it forces family to take sides and gang up on the partner/friend.
Are you acting needy so that your partner/friend feels smothered?
Get a life, like an interest. Follow your own interests and any hobby you have.
Can you compromise in an argument?
Can you change your argumentative habits and find a compromise?
What do you want from this relationship/friendship?
Accept your partner/friend for who she is.
(cf Arn).
Are you prepared to invest time to making your relationship/friendship work?
(cf Browne, 2011)
Is the grass greener on the other side?
Not according to Schweitzer (2011) and one of my tutors in religious life.
You will still need to deal with your next partners/friends shortcomings.
Remember, we attract what we need to perfect in ourselves.
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What does a healthy relationship/friendship look like?

Non-threatening behavior:
Where you may talk and act safely and comfortably.
Respect:
Where you listen to each other
Affirm each other emotionally
Value each others opinion.
Trust and Support: Each others goals
Each others feelings, friends, activities, opinions.
Honesty and Accountability:
Accept responsibility for yourself
Acknowledge past abusive behavior
Acknowledge any infidelity
Admit when youre wrong
Seek help for abusive relationship/friendship patterns.
If youre a parent:
Responsible parenting
Share responsibilities
Be a good role model for your children.
Share responsibility:
Mutually agree on fair distribution of work
Make family decisions together.
(cf Healthy vs. abusive relationships)
================================================
Why does my partner/friend get angry?
Maybe she wants you to be a certain way?
She probably expects you to be the man of her dreams.
Maybe you are not living up to her expectations and this can cause conflict.
How can you change her way of thinking thus?

Is she sorry afterwards for being angry?
This is a good sign if she is sorry.
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How can you help to calm her down?

You can calm yourself by taking deep breaths, especially if her anger has blown
you away.
Youre probably in the flight/fight zone.
You have to get your blood pressure down and breathe normally.
Are you able to discuss the abuse just hurled at you?
Perhaps you could keep a journal and note down what happened and your feelings
around it.
Then, when things have calmed down you could use it as a prompt to discuss the
situation.
This may only add fuel to the fire, especially if she denies the
occasion. This leaves you the flight option, to walk away, if only for a
short time. (cf Anger management for busy people.)
How to be assertive/looking after yourself:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Be specific in what you want to say, keeping it brief and to the point.
Repeat what you want to say so that you are clear and relaxed and not sidestepping.
You are not trying to win but looking for a compromise.
Disclosing what you are feeling e.g. I feel nervous. You are trying to reduce
your anxiety which will help you to relax.
Agree if your partner or friend wants to criticize you and only if its warranted.
Inquire when someone criticizes you. If they say e.g. youre shy, you can ask
in what way are you shy.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.68)
Saying no is another obstacle for some people. Powell (2009) lists a few common
beliefs like its unkind or others needs are greater than mine.
Do not be passive and let people walk over you. You have the right to refuse.
Remember it is the request and not the person you are refusing.
Hints for saying no
Brief
Polite
Slowly with warmth
Add a proviso: I feel difficult saying this.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.69)
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A healthy relationship has good communication skills

Listening is useful but often needs work e.g.
Look at the person speaking
Be encouraging. Say yes...nod your head.
Dont interruptbe patient
Use open-ended questions like how do you feel?
Repeat or paraphrase what they said e.g. you must feel angry.
(Powell, 2009, p.74)
Remember not to think of solutions while you are listening and never interrupt.
Accept your partners differences because it is said that men and women communicate
differently and youll need to discuss this.
(cf Powell, 2009, p.74)
***
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Chapter 7 Staying in a healthy relationship

Do you have unrealistic ideas about relationships/friendships?
Does your relationship/friendship need to be worked at for it to be worthwhile?
Do you expect your loves romance/friendship to stay the same?
Do you expect to feel happy all the time?
Do you expect the other person to change and not yourself?
Do you expect your partner/friend to be the same as you forever?
Do you expect your partner/friend to be psychic and anticipate your needs?
Do you expect your partner/friend to be everything you need without the need for other
friends?
Do you expect your partner/friend to be always in agreement with you?
Can you forgive their transgressions?
(cf Powell, 2009, p.157)
Exercise:
1.
List your similarities and differences on two halves of a piece of paper.

Next get your partner to do the same and compare.
2.
Each one underlines where they would like to see an improvement e.g.
putting the toilet seat down or not banging doors.
3.
Do something spontaneous like watching TV from a different chair.
4.
Make a date to have time together once a week, like going to the movies.
5.
Do you feel appreciated? Who does the washing up? Do you thank them or
surprise them by doing it?
List the things you do at home or at work. Put a plus for when youre
appreciated and a minus for when youre not.
Both do this and compare.
6.
Take it in turns to do something for each other. Drying the dishes when your
favorite show is on. (Pause it or record if you really want to watch it).
(cf Powell, 2009, p.154)
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Anger
Should you express your anger?
Yes, but not in an aggressive way.
It has to be a win-win situation for both of you as an abusive moment is a win-lose
situation for the abuser.
There is a saying for both of you - feel free to swap God for what works for you.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Anger management according to Wikipedia (2011) refers to techniques and exercises
aimed at controlling what sets off the angry person.
One strategy is to find agreement with the other person.
Forgiveness is another method, as is stress management.
(cf Anger management tips.)
What is anger?
Anger is a deluded mind (focusing) on an object, you, which seems unattractive, like
things that irritate to the detriment of our good qualities.
Thus, the anger is unrealistic and you need to practice patience.
Methods of Anger Management:
Direct - how it is felt
Honorable - why and take responsibility
Focused - stay on the issue
Courageous - admit when wrong
Humility - not being defensive
Forgiveness - not being resentful but acknowledging the wrong
Listen - hear both sides, and
Thankfulness - if so.
(cf Anger management techniques.)
Stress:
In the transactional model (Wikipedia, 2011b), the abuser may learn how to change her
perspective of those things which cause her stress and be shown how to cope with them
and thus improve her life.
The health realisation model has the abuser using her thoughts to overcome the
stressors.
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Is your partner/friend unhappy?

Has something happened that gave rise to her short temper?
It is not your fault.
She has to see that her problems are in her mind, how she is responding to the stressors
in her life.
Its not wise to say this to her and it depends on what level of communication you can
raise later on, and not always after she has apologized.
For me, that moment is still fraught with danger. I have been raged upon and was dumbfounded. I cant put on my counsellors hat and pontificate.
I need to mull over the incident and try and recreate it and see where the anger came
from. As Ive said, the TV is the main culprit for my relationship, followed by my hearing impairment and her cocktail party phenomenon where it is difficult to screen out
extraneous noises and focus on one voice.
Now I control the TV and mute it when I want to say something.
This has mitigated the problem immensely but I still need to go to the room where she is
when she asks me a question.
Can I accept her as she is?
Can you accept your partner/friend as she is?
Feeling stressed, tense, anxious?
|
Feeling angry?
|
Feeling aggressive?
|
Violent aggressive behavior
How does one stop this lead up to violent aggressive behavior?
Firstly, dont take the hostility personally.
Secondly, limit the hostility - avoid her so you are not drawn into her negativity and
speak up when it is safe to do so.
Thirdly, dont be defensive. Dont give up your power. You could say something like:
This kind of discussion isnt helpful.
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Fourthly, dont smother your feelings and needs.

Fifthly, dont hit back by being judgmental, critical or sarcastic. Speak calmly.
Sixthly, stay calm.
Seventhly, look behind the anger - is it a loss of power or fear?
Eighthly, be compassionate, using a soft tone.
Ninthly, dont react but maintain your self-respect.
Tenthly, move on if the negativity continues.
Lastly, look after yourself through diet and exercise, hobbies and sleep.
(cf Poulsen, 2011).
In the beginning of your relationship/friendship:
She may not have shown signs of anger.
What could be the cause?
Ill-health could cause a change in temperament.
This can be cured in most cases with reassurance, medication, counselling and sensitive handling according to Leigh (2011, p.1)
The behavior is still unacceptable.
Other underlying causes of anger:
Jealousy of work or friends can create a strain.
Insecurity, especially if youre admired or youre on the phone a lot.
Inadequacy - she feels insecure when youre successful.
Stress - the constancy of it, be it personal, at work or at home, can be like a pressure
cooker that needs to blow its lid.
There are ways to manage it on the home front, like short holidays, movies, walks.
Even a walk around the block or in the gardens at lunchtime. A dose of sunshine can
work wonders after being under artificial lighting all morning.
You can help her by not buying into the negativity and be supportive.
(cf Leigh, 2011).
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How can you stop arguing?

1.
2.
3.
4.
Stop and count to ten

Think before you speak.
Relax.
Hypnosis is said to help.
(cf Johnson, 2011, p.1)
5. Find time to talk (but not the reasons you separated, if you did)
6. Express sorrow over the break-up or breakdown.
7. Do you value your relationship/friendship? Where did you work well together?
8. Can you be understanding? If you cant communicate, seek counselling.
9. Dont harp on what has happened.
10. Do you need to change? Youre the injured party and you may need to accept your
partner/friend cannot change straight away or in five years time.
(cf Bolton, 2011.)
Communication
Do you find communicating during conflict becoming harder?
Hardy (2011) suggest that this can happen when you are growing at different rates.
One of you may have learnt how to take responsibility for their words and actions.
It might be spiritual or self development or even a game of golf.
Thinking on ones situation in life, thoughts arise as to the efficacy of continuing in the
relationship/friendship.
Do you fear a break-up?
Do you fear being alone?
Sometimes a third person like a counsellor can give you some direction.
Friends are not an option. A disinterested party can help you see your way through the
quagmire.
Your truth and self- esteem are the most important ingredients for your
life. What feels right for you is just that.
If your abusive partner/friend is showing a common thread, do not become a needy
person who puts up with it.
You are loveable, important, special and worthy to feel good about yourself.
It is normal to feel good about yourself.
Accept nothing less.
(cf Hardy, 2011).
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Self-esteem and negativity.

If you have negative thoughts in regard to your self-esteem, there is a way out of
them.
You can use the stop technique or the delete button.
You can only improve and become the self-honoring and self-accepting person
you are.
Do you want your relationship/friendship to succeed?
Are you willing to invest more of yourself in it?
Are you willing to discover any underlying causes?
Is she?
What will give you self-confidence?
Is there a hobby that interests you?
Meditation is also a way to get in contact with yourself, as well as for her.
Whether you do it together or separately is up to you.
The bottom line is that you will feel peaceful and this will radiate to your relationships with your partner, workmates, family and friends.
Of course you may grow quicker than your partner/friend.
It is not a competition or a race.
Keep the end in mind, self-esteem for both of you.
(cf Hardy, 2011).
***
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Chapter 8 Forgiveness
How many times?
70 x 7 says one version of the New Testament. Matt 18:21-22
It means infinity, not counting.
However, it does not say anything about abusive situations.
Elsewhere we are exhorted to love each other as we love ourselves.
The second part is often forgotten - we forget that we need to love ourselves so that
we can love others.
How much do you love yourself?
How can you measure it?
List what you are doing for yourself, be it hobbies or friends, and not just house
maintenance.
It does not mean time away from your partner/friend but it can.
Then when you return home you are renewed with, hopefully, joy, that you caught
up with your mates for a beer or a poker game.
My father, who died quite young, loved entertaining. There always seemed to be a
stack of empty beer bottles behind the shed, waiting for the bottle-o who came
round with his horse and cart. Were talking 1950s and they were recycling then.
On Friday nights after work, he and his workmates, who also carpooled, would
stop for a few beers at a hotel.
I dont know what my mother thought of this because she never said anything, not
even when another wife rang her to see if my father was home yet.
No, theyre not here but theyre probably on their way. This lady needed a
mobile phone though I reckon her husband would have turned it off if he had one.
No doubt there were arguments when he did get home. She needed something else
in her life besides showing off her bruises.
I learnt from an early age that some couples werent happy, a wife who drank, a
couple who couldnt have children.
My parents seemed to rise above all this and I never heard a cross word between
them. They had their own space with Dad in his shed building furniture and Mum
in her kitchen cooking lunch. Typical stereotyping for sure but has it really
changed in 60 years?
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Saying I forgive you is not condoning the abusive behavior.

According to Pierce (2011) you are freed from the slavery of bitterness and
resentments (as well as) pride.
Another way to say this is: You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
(Piederman, 2011).
Piederman (2011) lists many benefits for you if you forgive your abusive partner/
friend:
Less stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain.
On the other hand, if you hold a grudge, negative things will occur, such as the
opposite of those listed above.
How committed are you to change?
Does forgiveness feature in your life?
Have you ever had to say sorry when youve made a mistake?
Did the other person reciprocate and say, I forgive you?
How did you feel after this?
Did you still feel bad about stuffing up?
Did you play it over and over in your mind?
Do you remember the other person saying, I forgive you?
Did you dwell on the forgiveness after a time?
Can you recall it now?
How do you feel?
What thoughts are going through your head right now?
Turn it around and forgive yourself.
Can you feel compassion and understanding towards yourself?
In Chapter 10 youll be shown the rewind technique to replace negative thoughts
with positive ones.
Now, see if you can do the same for your partner/friend if you havent already
done so.
Remember, dont expect the person you forgive to change, but keep in mind:
Forgiveness takes away the power the other person (has over you).
(Piederman, 2011, p.3)
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Forgiveness is not (the following):

Pardoning - a legal term
Condoning - implies a sanction (: threatened penalty or permission)
Excusing - implies the offender has an excuse
Forgetting - implies the offence can be repeated
Denying - implies an unwillingness to believe an injury has
occurred Justifying - implies the offender had a good reason
Exonerating - implies the offender is free of guilt and
blame Reconciliation - implies the relationship must be
restored. (Telfer, 2005, p.2).
The Oxford dictionary states that to forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence or mistake.
According to the Oxford in Wikipedia (2011), forgiveness is to grant pardon and
to give up all claim on account of an offence or debt.
Loss of a partner or friend.
Have you mourned the loss of your partner/friend?
Have you mourned the loss of how things were?
Do you want to walk away?
Can you forgive her, in your heart, for this time and previous times?
If you have broken up, do you want her back?
Are you still feeling resentful for the hurt she has caused you?
Are you still justifying your actionswalking out, not forgiving her?
Remember, forgiveness is not justifying which implies the offender had a good
reason. (Telfer, 2005, p.2).
Are you prepared to say sorry for leaving?
Or maybe you kicked her out.
If you really want her back in your life, you need to talk over your needs and
how you feel about her abusiveness.
Hopefully shes also ready to make amends and get back to you.
She may be willing to change but there are triggers which set her off.
It could be that her problem goes back to her childhood when she may have
had an abusive parent.
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Finally, look at these seven steps from Powell (2009) on mental health (p.113):
1.
take responsibility for your life, including your happiness. Do not blame
others if things are not going the way you want them to.
2.
be flexible in your thinking and ditch the shoulds and ought tos.
3.
confront the difficulties and frustrations in your life. Life isnt always fair.
4.
look after your own needs by being assertive and take care with, e.g. exercise
and food.
5.
express yourself about positive and negative feelings. Dont bottle them up.
6.
strive for balance of work and play, alone and with others, physically and
mentally.
7.
develop and maintain relationships and friendships.
Remember, friends are always there when relationships break up.
***
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Chapter 9 Cognitive Behavior Therapy and BPD

Below follows a list of symptoms which your partner or friend may be exhibiting. If
she does (in your opinion) then she may need a professional diagnosis and help.
According to Corelli (2011), the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual for psychiatrists)
definition of Borderline Personality Disorder is:
a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and
affects (mood swings) and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and
present in a variety of contexts as indicated by five of the nine following:
1.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

E.g. Does she allow you to have your own friends?
2.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by

extremes of idealization and devaluation.
E.g. how is she perceived, how does she perceive others? Either good or evil.
3.
Identity disturbance.
Is she confused about her goals, even her sexuality?
Does she frequently change jobs?
Has she embraced fundamentalism with its all or nothing attitude?
4.
Impulsivity.
Does she spend recklessly, drive unsafely?
Are there any risk-taking behaviors like substance abuse?
5.
Recurring suicidal behavior, etc.
6.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.

Is she irritable or anxious over a few hours? Even a few days?
7.
Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Is she sad, empty, with nothing to distract her?
8.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling the anger.
9.
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Does she think people (or you) are out to hurt her?
Does she view the world as threatening?
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Patrick de Ferreira
What is cognitive behavior therapy?

Its a talking therapy, according to Wikipedia (c 2011).
It aims to ...solve problems concerning dysfunctional emotions, behaviours and cognitions through a goal-oriented, systematic procedure.
This type of therapy has been used to treat severe psychiatric disorders.
Albert Ellis was one of the first in the early 1950s with his rational therapy which later
became known as rational emotive behavior therapy in 1992 or REBT.
Treatment takes more than twelve sessions.
It is not recommended for drug or alcohol abuse.
CBT...looks at an individuals way of thinking and the way they react to certain habits
and behaviors, (Wikipedia d, 2011, p.6). It focuses on resolving emotional and
behavioral problems and disturbances (p.1)
Would it help your partner/friend?
Would it help you to handle your partner/friend?
One of the fundamental premises of REBT is how one views ones adversities.
Unpleasant happenings are not the cause of the upset but how one views their reality.
Ellis ABC model stands for:
A = adversity or activating event
B = beliefs about A
C = consequences of ones behavior.
Remember A can be in the past, present or future.
How does your partner/friend feel about the event which led to the abuse? Is
it something youve done that reminds her of the past or a future event?
How does she behave plus what are the consequences, namely how you feel after the
abuse?
We can then move on to D = disputing, challenging, questioning B and minimising C.

You could help your partner/friend through this by looking at:
A = what event set her off
B = what she believes about A, and
C = how to avoid the consequence of abuse.
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The steps to REBT can be:

Look for and find ones core irrational beliefs
Dispute them as best you can
Replaces the musts
Change to self-helping emotions
Act against dysfunctional fears and compulsions.
(Wikipedia d, 2011, p.4)
Finally, ...CBT focuses on stopping the negative automatic thoughts that are associated
with the feared object or situation, replacing them with more rational thoughts instead.
(Fritscher, 2011, p.1)
In Chapter 10 we will discuss the rewind technique and other methods of maintaining
calm in the midst of an abuse.
***
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Patrick de Ferreira
Chapter 10 Solutions
Relationship psychology
It ...teaches you to recognize certain reactions and behaviors in yourself and
others No two people are alike, nor do men and women think the same way.
(Rancen, 2011, p.1)
Are you an action man, solving problems and moving on to the next one?
Does your partner/friend want to talk through problems?
What is the end result? Women talk and men dont.
How did you both react in the past?
Did you find some common ground?
Stresses in your life.
Are there areas in your life that need discussing?
You may have done this but its always helpful to keep the conversation open in case
negative thoughts have arisen.
1.
Is money causing you stress? Do

you have a budget?
I use an exercise book to keep track of the grocery shopping as Im the main
buyer. Around the end of the month my partner adds up both our household
expenses and usually shell be paying me.
2.
Do you have family commitments that keep you away from your partner/
friend?
My partner has three adult children and she often meets them separately for
breakfast. Then there are the odd occasions when well both visit them or
vice versa for dinner.
My family of mother and sisters live over 30 kms away and we meet regularly
for Sunday lunch. My partner often accompanies me if shes not working. My
brother lives interstate and he rings every Sunday at midday, unless he mixes
up daylight saving..
3.
Bathrooms - is it a battle to keep it tidy?

Does your partner/friend seem to spend a long time there?
Sometimes its easier to get up a little earlier so that youre finished before she
appears.
Of course, if youre the culprit, pack up your goodies before exiting.
44
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Patrick de Ferreira
Work.
Does one of you spend longer at work?
Is one of you home early, feeling obliged to prepare dinner or tidy up?
I read a story about a man who had booked dinner at a restaurant but his wife
wanted to tidy up for a meeting at home. The man had the usual option of
getting angry and feeling hard done by. In the end he sat in his car and rang
the restaurant to say they would be 20 minutes late.
There are always at least two ways of looking at a situation.
5.
Are you or your partner being consumed by a hobby or an interest?
6.
Chores can be a source of disharmony.

If you havent resolved who does what by now, this is definitely the time.
They are genderless.
I do the washing of clothes and dishes as well as the shopping.
Im at home with my work so it makes sense.
I leave the vacuuming to my partner and Ill water the garden.
Shell pay for a gardener to do what she would do if she werent busy saving
the world.
(cf Leigh, 2011).
=======================================================
Reiki - what is it?
Reiki is a hands-on natural healing technique using the Universal Life Force
energy to heal. (Conway, 2011).
A session can calm you down and heal the parts of your body that may not be
correctly aligned.
The author is a practitioner and offers a half-hour distance healing session to
whomever purchases this book.
There are seven chakras and seven colours and the base one is
red. It is located at the base of the spine.
The base chakra pertains to two different emotions, positive and negative on the
psycho-spiritual level.
The positive aspects are assertiveness, courage, strength of will and pioneering.
The negative aspects are insecurity, self-pitying, aggressiveness and being fearful.
(cf Base chakra.)
A search online will give you plenty of information.
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Patrick de Ferreira
Here are eight anger control tools which you could use and teach your partner/
friend to use:
1.
Recognize stress
2.
Develop empathy, get the others perspective
3.
Respond instead of reacting - one can choose how to express ones anger
4.
Change that conversation with yourself (self-talk)
5.
Communicate assertively
6.
Adjust expectations
7.
Forgive but dont forget
8.
Retreat and think things over (time-out).
(cf Fiore and Novick, 2011).
Here are some more:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Breathe deeply
Walk outside
Do some stretchesloosens up the body.
Write about how mad you feel and why
Write youre grateful
Imagine youre at the funeral of the person youre mad with. What would
you say?
7.
Pray if that is your belief.
8.
Imagine youre the person youre mad at, How does it look to you now?
9.
Remember when you were afraid or hurt as a child. Tell the child everything
is now OK.
10. Think about your values. What is important to you?
(cf DeFoore, 2011).
=====================================================
Meditation.
Take a few deep breaths into your abdomen.
Who do you love?
Who is important in your life?
Think of all the people you know, places, things, activities that you treasure.
How does it feel for these people, places, things, activities?
How much time do you spend on each one? On yourself?
The message is that you are worthy of love from yourself and others, wanting the
best for you.
Do not settle for second-best; you are the best there is.
(cf Oriah Mountain Dreamer, 2001).
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Patrick de Ferreira
How to keep the peace:

Stick to a communications formula: I feelWhen you.Because I need
Good eye contact, non-threatening body language.
Keep an even tone and volume.
Listen to your partner/friend, suspend judgment.
(cf Novick, 2011).
By remaining calm, this will have a calming effect on the abuser. Mind you, we
are often so flabbergasted by the tirade that we cant react or speak.
Question them:
Manage your own feelings as you focus on where the abuser is coming from.
Thus respect is established.
Dont think about rebuttals. Pay full attention to what the abuser is saying.
Present your side of the argument so the abuser understands it from your perspectiveyour thoughts, ideas, etc. and the fact that you felt abused.
Finally, discuss it later to find common ground.
(cf Bradbury, 2011).
======================================================
The rewind technique (to clear the memories of the abuse):
In your mind, sit yourself (#1) in a cinema seat towards the back. Near the
front is another you, #2. #1 is going to observe #2 watching a sequence on the
screen of a traumatic event. Let #1 watch the reaction of #2 to the drama
unfold-ing.
How are you feeling? Are you scared? Frightened? Do you want to run
away, stop it?
The film begins at a point before the trauma occurred and ends at a point
when the trauma is over. Rewind back to the start or a pleasant memory.
Was there a time when you were happy, when you were successful?
Replay the film.
Then at the point of the actual trauma #1 jumps into the film and feels the
pain all over again.
What does it look like? Where are you? What is happening?
It is at this junction that you rewind back to the start or the pleasant memory
(Muss, 1991).
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Patrick de Ferreira
To sum up:
In this Chapter you were introduced to varying coping methods.
I dont have all the answers but you have enough for your survival.
There are many ways of looking at the world-view and each one is valid.
I personally like the Universal Life Force. I have spent most of my adult life looking for the meaning of life. Its an ongoing task and I think I am a better person for
it.
However, I obviously need to learn some more lessons if I attract abusive people
into my life.
The now is very important and was wondrously apparent when last I was
suicidal and depressed. Thats when I discovered I had bipolar. I tend toward the
depressed side of it but am able to function with my writing.
I hope what I have shared will inspire you, the reader, to remain calm and be able
to negotiate the tricky waters of abuse.
***
48
Patrick de Ferreira
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(2011). Rational emotive behaviour therapy. Retrieved 9 April 2011 from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/rational_emotive_behavior_therapy
***
53
Patrick de Ferreira
The Legal Stuff

This e-book is published in Australia by Michael Patrick Mardel
The publisher gives permission to widely disseminate the first two chapters for free.
Recompense is requested for the rest of the book and the bibliography.
54
Patrick de Ferreira
About the Author

Patrick de Ferreira has written numerous treatises as part of his education
and psychology studies.
He has counselled abused men and men who like to cross dress.
He also knows quite a few transwomen and fewer transmen.
This article is partly autobiographical with a wide study of the literature.
Patrick is happily married with the occasional hiccup.
***
55
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Patrick de Ferreira
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Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

MOST COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT SURVIVING

self-help for men (and friends) who are in abusive relationships

How to cope with an angry partner/friend - There are a lot

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Do you fit any of the following criteria of an abused person?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Chapter 2 Unhealthy Relationships

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

THE TYRANNY OF SHOULDS

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Do you make demands on your partner to improve?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Do you deny that you have been abused?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

What are your underlying beliefs to all this?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Thats a big ask.

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Why does conflict occur?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Chapter 4 Signs of Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO HER VERBAL ABUSE?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

THE FOLLOWING TRAITS MAY BE IN YOUR

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

As you may see, there are some overlaps.

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

How may the abuser manage her anger?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Chapter 5 Mind set, Marriage and Relationships

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Chapter 6 Healthy Relationships

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Is your partner/friend willing to discuss the issue?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

What does a healthy relationship/friendship look like?

How can you change her way of thinking thus?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

How can you help to calm her down?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

A healthy relationship has good communication skills

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Chapter 7 Staying in a healthy relationship

List your similarities and differences on two halves of a piece of paper.

Do something spontaneous like watching TV from a different chair.

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Is your partner/friend unhappy?

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

Fourthly, dont smother your feelings and needs.

Most Common Questions about Surviving Emotional Abuse

How can you stop arguing?