Successful Marriages: Part I

A Lecture by Suhaib Webb on 7/26/2008 | Transcribed by Fuseina Mohamad

We begin in the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. We ask Allah subhanahu wa
ta`ala (the Exalted and Glorified) to send His Peace and Blessings upon the
Prophet salla Allahu `alayhi wa sallam (may Allah bless him and grant him peace).

Life without a spouse is a massive, massive test, so we ask Allah to make it easy for all of
us, insha’Allah. This topic is an important topic and our scholars (especially in Egypt) study
something called mantiq. Mantiq, which is logic, is a hot topic. And in logic we have two
important concepts [to understand] in order to go into what’s called the hadd,or the definition of
something. The most important is at-tasawwur(conceptualization). The person conceptualizes
what they’re going into first and foremost.
So just a few points about marriage; and if I contradict my elder, I ask Allah to forgive me. He’s my
Sheikh, my teacher. But in our community we need unity – not uniformity of course. And that is
that, number one, when we talk about marriage – when we entertain the idea of marriage, we have
to be careful of not having a utopist vision. We have to be very cautious that we do not look at
marriage as this perfect entity, that you’re going to find no mistakes, like a Disney movie…just
perfect [where] even the bad things turn out, masha’Allah (as Allah wills), as a fairy tale
narrative. It is very important that we realize marriage is organic and human. It is not an ideal, but
a very real situation.
And that’s why in the Qur’an, Allah azza wajal (the Exalted) said mawadah (love) and rahma
(mercy). In Surat Ar-Rum, Allah says, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves
mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.
Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” (30:21). But at the same time, in the Qur’an
we find the issue of nushuz(rebellion or disobedience). In the fourth chapter of the Qur’an, Allah
addresses if a woman gets out of line; how a man should interact with his wife if she goes beyond
the bounds that are considered normative within Islam. Also, we find in the Qur’an that Allah
advises the woman how to handle this situation. Allah says to the men, “…And live with them in
kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much
good” (4:19).
How many of us like everything about our wives? How many of us like everything about our
husbands? Man, my wife can write a mawsu’a (encyclopedia) on things she doesn’t like about my
personality. Allah mentions if there is something you don’t like about your wife, be patient because
perhaps there’s good in it.
The Qur’an also mentions divorce. Most people who memorize the Qur’an, [people are] going to
ask you first [to] read the verses of inheritance; after that, is the verses of divorce. Three full pages
in Surat Al-Baqarah [are] devoted to the mechanism of divorce. We also have a chapter called Al-
Talaaq (Divorce).
I remember once I came to the mosque, and a brother was in the mosque, and he looked very
sad. He said, “Akhi (brother), just open the Qur’an and put your fingers somewhere, I need to read
something. I’m having problems with my wife.” I had just become Muslim, so I was kind of naïve,
you know. So I opened the Qur’an, I put my finger somewhere, and it was on Surah Al-Talaq. I
said, “Look brother, it has another name also, it’s called Surat Al-Nisaa (Women). Maybe we can
go with that name?”
But the reality is that the Qur’an deals with reality. So the Qur’an presents happy marriage, but at
the same time the Qur’an recognizes there might be problems. We have to understand that marriage
is an investment. It’s an investment. And it’s not easy. Let’s be honest, it’s not easy. We have to
be careful.

Once I was giving a speech about brotherhood in my younger days when I was an ideologue and I
was saying, “Brotherhood is perfect. We love each other. We never fight. We never have any
problems…alhamdulillah (all praise is to Allah)!” Then, Dr. Ingrid Mattison spoke after me. She
said, “Jazak Allahu Khayr (may Allah grant goodness) for our young brother here who’s full of
ideals. But think about how you lived with your brothers.” It was far from ideal. I hit my brother
with a broom once! We got into a fight one time in the front yard. But how do we act after that is
what defines us as brothers. We’re going to fight, we’re going to have problems, and we’re going
to have difficulties. I will yell at my wife. You will yell at your husband. But how do you differ,
how do you handle that? That’s what makes marriage, marriage.
So we have to be very cautious here that we don’t define marriage as something that’s utopist. It’s
not. The first year [is difficult]. Oh man. Why? Because we are not used to sharing. We are not
used to having, as the Sheikh mentioned, “we” instead of “me.”

So I’ll mention, after that brief important point, five reasons for major pitfalls that can be applied to
new couples, future couples, and old-school couples.

Next Post - “Problem Number One: Let’s Copy My Parents”

Successful Marriages: Part II

Lecture by Suhaib Webb on 7/26/08 | Transcribed by Fuseina Mohamad | Read Part I

Issue Number One: Let’s Copy My Parents

The first pitfall that people recognized is: “We’re going to do it like my family did it. We’re going
to do it like my mother and father did it.” And she’s saying, “No, we’re going to do it like my
mother and father did it.” And that goes into the anaaniyya that was mentioned earlier – the state of
selfishness. Because the constructs which have been built in us, when it comes to marriage, no
matter how hard we try to educate ourselves, are basically the constructs we learnt from our
parents. What we saw from our parents.

I’ll give you a good example. I’m from

Oklahoma. My mother and father hate divorce. Alhamdulillah, my mother and father have been
married almost sixty years without divorce. I saw them get in fights, I saw a glass break or
two. But [it was] never physical. I never saw my father get physical with my mother, ever. Never
in front of the kids. They’d raise their voices. They yelled at each other. [When] we were little we
said, “Are you guys fighting?” [They responded] “No we’re not fighting. Go in your room and shut
the door.” That’s what we do. It’s ingrained in me and my brother not to like divorce. So I had
another family member who got into a divorce – non-Muslim – and my mother and father’s
reaction was like “Wait a minute.” Why? That’s how I was raised.
Now I’ve learned – through studying in al-Azhar, through reading books, from sitting with
scholars, from being around people like you – the concept of divorce we have in Islam. But it’s
very difficult for me to overcome that construct, because that’s what I saw, that’s what I lived.
So when we come into a marriage we have to be honest with ourselves. As our dear Sheikh
mentioned, we cannot make “I” the focus of everything – my family, my way of doing things. This
is a very dangerous problem that comes out of selfishness. What we have to strive for are general
Islamic guidelines, general Islamic principles that take into mind the reality of the human being.
How many times did people come to the Prophet (s) and complain about [their
wives]? Never? Come on! Read the book on divorce and some of the collections of hadith. How
many times did women [come to the Prophet]? Once a woman came to Aisha (it’s in Sahih
Bukhari), she was black and blue because her husband beat her. Yeah, in Madinah! [Someone
sounding shocked:] “Subhan Allah, how could you say that about the companions?!” It’s in Sahih
Bukhari. So the Prophet (s) dealt with that.
When we come into a marriage situation instead of saying “I…I…I” we have to say “I” and
“we”. Because to take “I” out of the equation is not realistic, man. I’m going to tell you
something. I love to give, but I love to receive. I’m not going to lie. I come home and my wife
says, “You know I cooked for you this prawn biryani.” I’m not like, “I’m not happy, I didn’t give
you anything.” Hey, I’m ready. Bismillah. Forget Atkins, man. Let’s go for it.
So marriage is giving and receiving. When I come to a marriage I have to fuse my identity, my
constructs as a person with my wife. And that doesn’t happen in one day, doesn’t happen in a
conference, doesn’t happen through a Jumu`ah khutbah. It comes through years of investment and
cultivating relationships – trial by error.
One woman came to me and said, “If I could marry anyone it would be my dad.”

And I said, “Hey, wait a minute now…”

She said, “No, I would make him, I would make him!”

I said, “Look, you don’t make anything. But you’re pleased with the qadr (decree) of Allah
(SWT).”

To demand a brother to be your father or to demand a woman to be your mother is

unrealistic. Bringing in “I” and “we” [is important, after all] I want to benefit. Why am I getting
married? I want to benefit. I’m going to reap some benefit, she’s going to reap some benefit. But
the majority of it is a “we…we…we” relationship. And that’s not easy. It’s not easy to weld
constructs together to form a relationship. It’s not. And that’s why marriage is a major factor in
Islam. You know how many rulings come into play because someone gets married? How
many ahkaam (rulings)? Around seventy-five rulings. Just because of a contract for nikah. And
Allah says that marriage is a strong, binding, heavy contract (4:21). Why? It is not easy getting
married.
So number one, we have to realize, as was mentioned by one social scientist, one of the major
reasons – and this was in America by the way, not overseas – that people have problems in their
marriage is: “I’m [going] do it like my mom and dad did it. I’m going to replicate everything.”

[One time] I met a Muslim brother who told me, “We have to replicate the seerah. So for thirteen
years we have to do this. Then, in ten years, this is going to happen. And after that, nas (people),
they’re going to become Muslim afwaajaa (in droves).”

I said, “Brother, you’re a fool.”

He said, “Why?”

I said, “Show me once in history where history repeated itself like that, word for word, letter for
letter.”

And that’s what leads to extremism in Islam. The same thing in marriage [when people say] “I’m
going to replicate what my mother and father did.” Then why’d you get married? Stay home with
your parents! [They say] “I want to relive, I want to rehash what happened in my household with
my mother and father.” That’s impossible. So what you’re going to have to do is be humble. The
first step is humility. The Prophet (s) said in an authentic hadith, “Nobody will humble himself for
Allah except that Allah will raise him.” So when I come into the marriage, I can’t be like Frank
Lucas, American gangster [saying] “I’m going to enforce everything on people.” No, I must be
humble and I must be willing to say, “You know what, I must surrender some things here. I’m
going to have to be honest.”
And communicate with your spouse. Talk, man, talk! If you don’t talk, somebody’s going to walk.

So first and foremost, the “I” and the “we” is a combination. Definitely as an individual – and I’m
not a social Darwinist – but as an individual you’re going to benefit, as a person, from
marriage. Why’d you get married in the first place? Because you want to benefit. You want to
benefit this deen (religion), you want to become a better Muslim. So you reap the benefits in this
life and the next. Secondly, investing and being humble and mature enough to deal with issues as a
family.
How many sisters and brothers have came to me and said, “You know one time I was talking with
my wife about something, akhi and I said to her this and she said ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe you
did that!’” Come on, relax. That’s your husband. You got to carry him and be there for him.
Sometimes sisters might say, “You know when I was in seventh grade I let this guy push me on the
swing.” [And the husband exclaims] “Oh, you’ve stained my honor as a husband!” Come on,
man. Unrealistic. Unrealistic expectations.

Next Post – “Problem Number Two: Marriage Makes Me Happy”

Successful Marriages: Part III

Lecture by Suhaib Webb on 7/26/08 | Transcribed by Fuseina Mohamad

Read Part I | Part II
Problem Number Two: Marriage Makes Me Happy

The second major problem that people fall into – and there was a fifteen year study done in the
West [on this] – 95% of people said, “[I had] the same amount of happiness before marriage, as…I
have after marriage.” [Thus, the second problem] is the idea that marriage is going to make me
happy.

One brother came to me and said, “Akhi, I just need Khadija, man. I just need Khadija! If I have
Khadija, everything’s going to be all right.”
I said, “Really? Then you be Muhammad, brother, and she’ll be Khadija. You be Muhammad,
you’ll find Khadija.”

The idea that “If I get married…” – and also parents [who think] “Oh, all we have to do is get them
married. Oh, she got a B+ on her exam, oh got to get her married.” [They think] marriage is like
Harry Potter: *bing* and everything’s fine. Again, that goes back to a misunderstanding of how
things work in Islam and in life in general. I’m going to get married, I’ll be happy.

Of course, there’ll be initial happiness. There’ll be the initial happiness of companionship, of a

physical relationship – let’s be honest – being together, spending time with a woman or a
man. You’ll feel happy; you’ll feel that you protected your deen(religion). But after that, man,
they’re waking up with dirty breath and nappy hair.
He’s going to leave his clothes on a chair. She might burn the biryani. All that happens. So that
[initial happiness] is going to disappear after a while. Marriage doesn’t make you happy, but your
investment and the time you spend to build a healthy family makes you happy. The work, the
cultivation - that’s why the believers are called muflihoon, from the word fallah (farmer). We have
some farmers in the south of Egypt called fallahoon (and also in all of Oklahoma). And they call
them fallahoonbecause they’re famers, because they cultivate. Why did Allah call the
believers muflihoon? Because they cultivate this dunya (world) to harvest the akhira(hereafter). So
you’ve got to cultivate your marriage.
Don’t come into the marriage, brother, at the age of 25 thinking everything’s going to
work. You’re going to have to be patient.

I remember, wallahi (I swear by Allah), a brother got married once, he said,

“Everything is fine except she eats too much.”

I said, “Come on, brother.”

He said, “I didn’t know.”

I said, “What? You didn’t think they eat? They just walk around and clean the house, make you
happy and don’t eat food?”

He said, “I forgot about that part. I got to buy food.”

[Or a] sister comes and says, “You know, I didn’t know that men smell sometimes.”

Come on, sister.

And that might sound funny but these are the things that need to be talked about in these
conferences because all of us have questions that we’re scared to ask because of the barriers set up
in our communities of self-righteousness. If I were to tell you the two main reasons people get
divorced, you would ask the board to fire me. Number one is money, and number two starts with
an ‘S’ and ends with an ‘X’.

Yes! I’ll be honest with you. Physical relationships. But can you even engage that in the Muslim
community on a private level? You better because problems are boiling over. Pornography in
homes: 25% of marriages in America are destroyed because of pornography. So that tells you
there’s a problem that needs to be addressed and the job of fuqaha’ (jurists) and ’ulama’ (scholars)
is to deal with the issues – to engage problems with adab (manners) and with akhlaaq (morals).
Problem Number Three: There’s No Conflict in Our Marriage

“Oh, there’s going to be no conflict in our marriage.” The idea that we could be fighting, man, we
could have fights all morning long, but then there’s no conflict in our house. Deal with
problems. Deal with problems. Deal with problems. Engage them, don’t ignore them. Because
what happens with that teapot [when] you try to hold it down? After awhile what happens? It
explodes. And how many of us know couples who one of them held things in for years, and after
something set them off, the marriage was ruined. I know a situation right now – not in this
community – where this is happening. It’s not funny. Seven years he held some things in his
heart. Seven years!

Forgiveness [is important] but not forgiveness as a blank check; forgiveness with
responsibility. Why [is it that] men who beat women are the nicest men to their women after they
beat them? To get over that feeling of beating them. So that’s why psychologists say don’t forgive
them for beating you. Same thing – I know brothers that have been beaten by women. And we
have to be very careful that the feminist narrative is not sneaking into our community where we
cater to the women and ignore the brothers, because a wife has to obey her husband if he’s doing
his job. He is the Imam of the house.

One sister came and told me, “My Imam is So and So.”

I said, “No he is not. Your Imam is your husband.”

She said, “What?”

I said, “Yes.”

She said, “Well I don’t want…”

I said, “Then I’m telling that brother not to marry you. Go marry So and So.”

She said, “Well, if that’s the case then he is my Imam.”

I said, “Yeah, he is your Imam.”

So we have to be very cautious here. There are conditions, there is a unique balance there, but
brothers are getting hit hard by the feminist narrative as well from John Wayne to Homer
Simpson. The man has been destroyed in Western society and now it’s seeping into the Muslim
community. These are the representatives of the Prophet (s). You are the representatives of the
Prophet (s). These brothers have an honorable sharaf ’inda Allah (honor with Allah). So we have
to be very cautious about that, that in these types of conferences we don’t cater to women and
ignore that brothers have a right from their wives to obey them, if those brothers fulfill certain
conditions. We don’t have to make our families like Western families. We have our own identity
as Muslims. That identity is perfectly acceptable in the West, but it’s unique. We’re not
liberals. We’re not going to cast everything aside from the Qur’an and Sunnah to please Michael
Eric Dyson. No. We have our own identity and that says the man is the leader of the household if
he fulfills certain conditions and rights. Not an oppressor. Not an oppressor, but a just leader who
takes the time to listen to his wife and his family. So don’t come into a family thinking we’re not
going to have conflicts.
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