CLIVE JAMES AND ME Part 1: In the last four decades, 1977 to 2014, since TV came back into my life

after a hiatus of more than t o decades, se!eral ho"dun"it series ha!e #i!en my brain a rest and a chance to sit ith my ife and share some time to#ether$ %ack in the mid"to"late 19&0s, after my mother sold our TV, I used to atch detecti!e stories on TVs at my friends' homes: 77 Sunset Strip ()*+, 19&," 19-4., Dragnet ()*+, 19&1"19&9., and Manhunt ()*+, 19&9"19-1. are the only ones I can remember in those distant e/ochs of my childhood and adolescence$ +nd I ha!e to thank that lar#est encyclo/aedia in the orld, Wikipedia, for its unbelie!ably lon# list of 0/olice tele!ision dramas1 for remindin# me of their names back in hat has become tenuous and misty shades in the memory"bank of my then youn# life$ *ince 1977 hen I as the secretary of the %aha'i community of %allarat and a lecturer at hat became the )ni!ersity of %allarat, I'!e seen more ho"dun"its than I could count$ It ould take me some time 2ust to list their names: Minder, 4 different series of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Trial By Jury, Spe ial !i tims "nit, et al#, Inspe t$r M$rse, Inspe t$r %e&'$rd, and on and on #oes the litany, the list$ I3!e no had, I3m sure, se!eral 100 hours of ho"dun"its under my belt, or into and throu#h my !isual field, in those 4 decades from 1977 to 2014$ In the last t o years, 2012 to 2014, I3!e been on a medication /acka#e for my bi/olar disorder that makes atchin# /ro#rams ith a hi#h le!el of /redictability and routine like the ho"dun"it #enre !ery restful for my brain$ Part 2: I think hat I no en2oy most ith all these series, and se!eral others to boot, is the sense of re/etition, of /attern, of familiarity, sol!in# the orld's /roblems !icariously, hel/in# the !ie er feel that, by ay of these deser!edly /o/ular !i#ilantes, #ood trium/hs o!er e!il in the end$ %ack in the real orld, thou#h, the ra/ist is let off ith a 52,000 fine because the #irl brou#ht it on herself by hitch"hikin# after dark in a scantily"clad miniskirt$ The ne s that you can ra/e a hitch"hiker and only ha!e to /ay a fine of t o #rand no doubt s/read throu#h the re#ion in 6uestion$ + !ictim ould be !ery foolish to co"o/erate ith the /olice if she had nothin# in /ros/ect e7ce/t to com/ound her a#ony and atch her tormentor #et a small endorsement on his credit card$ *he ould be better off rin#in# the SVU or Minder, or one of those ins/ectors: Morse or Wexford. They don't e7ist, but at least they don't disa//oint you$ They al ays come throu#h ith the #oods, e!en if the #oods are only dreams$

Part 4: 8ne of the most satisfyin# daydreams as you im/lement the cinemato#ra/hy in your mind3s eye, is to ima#ine yourself a//arently defenceless in the /resence of /o erfully armed foes$ They lau#h at you$ They mock and deride you$ %ut you ha!e taken a !o not to use your su/er stren#th$ The only trouble is, if you ne!er use your su/er stren#th nobody ill e!er kno you'!e #ot it$ Then, still in your mind3s eye, they dare to interfere ith your #irl or your ife, in my case$ +t this /oint your code of silence allo s a certain discreet demonstration of martial arts$ The hea!ies don't kno hat hit them$ They #o back ards throu#h indo s$ They han# u/side do n from trees$ +nd if you en2oy the detecti!e" o/era, the /lay !iolence, it's all #ood fun, and you come a ay ith hero"status from your #roin to your /arietal"lobe$ +n archety/al fantasy hich males start ha!in# at about the a#e of si7 and are in many cases still ha!in# on their deathbeds, this daydream /ro!ides the /lot outline for at least half the +merican and %ritish !i#ilante series made for e7/ort$ In (ung )u (%%91., hich as re/eated in the :,0s and 90s, enchanted re!erie can be e7amined in its /ure form$ ; ai 9han# 9aine, /layed by <a!id 9arradine, is an oriental monk ith martial arts trainin#, a sha!ed head and an infinite ca/acity to remain immobile hen taunted, mocked or derided$ It as a #ood thin# that 9arradine #ot his re!erie and enchantment in hen he did because as found dead in 2009 in the closet of a %an#kok hotel room ith a cord ra//ed around his neck and #enitals leadin# Thai /olice to sus/ect his death as not a suicide but an accident resultin# from dan#erous se7 /ractices %ut before those se7/loits, 9arradine roamed the =ild =est of +merica in /er/etual search of a #rou/ of hea!ies ho ould not taunt, mock and deride him$ They all did, ho e!er, and he must suffer in silence until they make the mistake of tauntin#, mockin# and deridin# someone else$ Then he eru/ts into a series of flyin# kicks hich kee/ all the stuntmen in >olly ood busy fallin# into those horse"trou#hs, #oin# back ards throu#h indo s, and han#in# u/side do n from trees$ Part 4: <urin# the lon# ait before he unleashes his secret kno led#e, ; ai 9han# is chiefly occu/ied ith lookin# thou#htful, in a multitude of reaction shots hich are /robably all secured in one lon# take, cut u/ into short len#ths and s/liced in throu#hout the /ro#ramme$ *ometimes the /ensi!e look dissol!es into a flashback$ *uddenly e are in the tem/le here he recei!ed his trainin#$ :+h ? I am not w$rthy$,' #oes the scri/t$ +ncient monks transmit nameless secrets to youn# ade/ts such as: the secret of ho to sha!e your skull ithout nickin# it

and ha!in# to staunch the flo toilet /a/er$

of blood

ith sty/tic /encil or small /ieces of

8ne e/isode of the many that enchanted me durin# those t o decades consisted of one lon# flashback$ It #a!e you a #ood idea of the layout$ <isci/les are trained in the use of e!ery concei!able ea/on, but only on the understandin# that to Take >uman @ife is the ultimate sin$ They are also trained in the ancient art of s/eakin# their dialo#ue as if each sentence had a full sto/ e!ery fe ords$ :I ha!e seen$ *omethin#$ I cannot$ >old back$' The occasional rush of elo6uence is allo ed, but it must sound like a /oem$ :The one at the #ate you call a man$ >e is more than a man and less than a man$' :If it is ritten, then it ill be so$' ;ee/ it sim/le silly, ;I**, is the rule as it as hen I as teachin# "sing *lain +nglish at technical and further education colle#es$ The man at the #ate is /ossessed by e!il$ >e has come to Take >uman @ife$ <isci/le =u #ets the 2ob of fi#htin# him$ :<isci/le =u is beyond any in the use of the lance$' +s =u and the hairy challen#er 2oin battle, ; ai 9han# strides off in the com/any of a beautiful /rincess to find the castle in hich e!il has set u/ head6uarters$ :Aou ill$ Think me$ Boolish$' The e!il s/irit calls itself the Borce, but doesn't say hether or not this is by arran#ement ith Star %ars$ :I am the Borce$ ;no too that I ill be the destruction of your tem/le$ Aou think I could not destroy you here you standC Aou are an ant that crosses my /ath$' )sin# contem/lati!e techni6ues, ; ai 9han# totals the Borce, hereu/on the man at the #ate reco!ers his sanity and a/olo#iDes for ha!in# attem/ted to Take >uman @ife$ :Bor#i!e me, master, for brin#in# !iolence to so holy a /lace$' :It is o!er,' says the old man$ :Easter,' says ; ai 9han#, :I do not$ )nderstand$ +ll that has$ >a//ened$' :Fobody understands all$'1
1

I thank 9li!e Games and his 17 Ganuary 19,2 column found at his ebsite clive a!es.co! for this essay hich I ha!e hea!ily /lai#iariDed and /laced in the conte7t of my o n life e7/erience since TV came back into my life in my mid"40s$