ANNOUNCEMENTS AND CLASSIFIEDS
–––PERSONALS–––
Starter with impeccable timekeeping and
most orderly dress seeks playing partner for
life. Those of a nervous disposition, especially
in a group, need not apply. Maybole 249
–––NUPTIALS–––
Miss Frances Slice is to tie the knot with Mr
Theadore Hook at Gretna registry office on
Saturday next. They will be driving straight
off after the ceremony. Witnesses welcome.
Gretna 04
–––WANTED–––
WANTED - left handed golf glove for six
fingers. Amish 620
WANTED – Lock of Tom Morris Snr’s facial
hair required to complete fancy collection.
Top shillings paid. St Andrew’s 802
Wanted – Gutty balls. Lots of them. Needed
before Prestwick round in a fortnight’s time.
Lost 997
–––APOLOGY–––
I would like to beg forgiveness for a shameful
episode between myself and my old loyal
putter on the first green at Turnberry. I
apologise to her dearly for banishing her from
the course in such dramatic fashion. My dear
spoon was no substitute for the remaining 17
greens. Dr Angrys Head, Dalrymple 388
–––DEATHS–––
Farquhar Mathiewson Campbell, secretary to
his local golf club for 83 years sadly passed
away at the age of 107—the same score as
A MOST WONDERFUL
READER OFFER
In partnership with the West of Scotland’s finest purveyors of Hendrick’s Gin, readers of this esteemed
organ who wish to experience the pleasurable oddities of Turnberry’s locally-distilled concoction,
may do so with the assistance of two generously handicapped incentives.
HENDRICK’S OPEN DRINKS
H&TEE
Not the usual gin and tonic, but the
quintessentially unusual Hendrick’s
variety. Served with a garnish of
cucumber. Lemon or lime is just
plain wrong.
AILSA BREEZE
As refreshing as its name suggests. Hendrick’s,
lemon juice and topped with ginger ale.
BRISTO FIZZ
Named after the treacherous rocks guarded by
the Turnberry lighthouse. One part sugar, two
parts lemon juice, four parts Hendrick’s – shaken
or stirred – and topped with soda water.
READER OFFER
NAME
EMAIL
I am of sane mind and can think of no reason why the wonderful
people at Hendrick’s Gin shouldn’t email me in the future
NAME OF OUTLET
Offer valid Friday 10th July to Monday 20th July. One redemption per person.
T heUnusua lTi mes.net
his last round. Memorial will be held at St
Andrew’s Church, Hill lane. No denim or
shorts permitted.
Much loved barman of the 19th at Largs,
Doddie Stewart, will be mourned by many.
Other youngsters are warned not to take
shortcuts through the water hazard after
leaving the premises late at night. At the
request of his family, there will be no wake.
Tam ‘Tottery’ Trimble, the legendary caddy
of East Lothian, has carried his last bag. Bibs
for pall bearers to be collected at 10.34 from
the locker room.
–––BIRTHS–––
Freddie Boomer to Archie Boomer and Fanny
McCulloch. Born 8lb 4oz and 1½ cucumber
lengths. High hopes for the little big hitter
with a natural grip.
–MISCELLANEOUS–
FOUND - Putter lodged in quince bush after
sailing over garden wall of Maidens Road
cottage. Turnberry 085
COMPETITION - Are there any other
hermaphrodites unable to enter single sex
competitions wishing to play competitive
golf? Please contact Frances-Jo Confusion on
Cumnock 361.
–––FOR SALE–––
FOR SALE - Golf clubs for ambidextrous or
left handed golfer. Would suit numerophobia
sufferers as clubs have well worn soles.
Patna 713
FOR SALE - Overexposed pictures of
Turnberry lighthouse on a foggy night. 5s
o.n.o. Glasgow 86620
BRUCE’S CASTLE
Fit for a king, just like Robert the Bruce’s birthplace,
next to the 10th tee at Turnberry. Hendrick’s,
elderflower cordial and pressed apple juice.
ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN:
A Pocket Guide to True Politeness.
This peculiar little book
contains essential guidance for
an honourable man to conduct
themselves before the higher end
of society. From instruction on
dress to advice on responding
to invitations, this discree
companion will prove a treasure
trove beyond compare.
page 4
PA P E R C R A F T
HATS OFF to ORIGAMI
While extravagantly brimmed, feather-blooming hats should be order of the day for
ladies and more restrained Jaxon top hats for men, many a golf enthusiast can be
caught short in the baking sun during an Open at Turnberry.
Fortunately, The Unusual Times is more than just an organ of interest. By using the
ancient Japanese art of paper folding, a rather dashing, emergency sun-protector can
be easily fashioned. Simply follow the steps:
1. Fold single sheet in half.
Crease at dotted lines.
4. Fold base of triangle in
to centre. Short fold will result
in large hat; beyond centre,
small hats.
7. Fold down apex of triangle
and fold it into cuff. You now
have a rectangle.
AT THE BAR:
Simply take the coupon below to the bar
at any one of the establishments listed
below. It enables its bearer H E N their
to refresh
companion with a Hendrick’s Open-inspired
D R
drink of their choice, without expense, when
purchasing one for themselves.
Hendrick’s Gazebo, Dowhill Farm,
nr Turnberry (1m south)
Wildings Hotel, Harbour Road, Maidens
The Roxy, 1/5 Bridge Street, Girvan
The Kings, 10 Dalrymple Street, Girvan
Girvan Golf Club,
40 Golf Course Road, Girvan
Belleisle House Hotel,
Doonfoot Road, Ayr
Barcelo Marine Hotel,
8 Crosbie Road, Troon
Irvine Golf Club, Bogside,
Sandy Road, Irvine
Abode Hotel, 129 Bath Street, Glasgow
Millennium Hotel, George Square, Glasgow
Mama San, 190 Bath Street, Glasgow
Bar Soba, 11 Mitchell Lane, Glasgow
AT THE SHOP:
Should you wish to purchase a bottle of
Hendrick’s Gin at any of the off-licence
boutiques listed below, a complimentary
Etiquette for Gentlemen: A Pocket Guide
to True Politeness will accompany said
transaction (while supplies last).
Dowhill Farm Shop, nr Turnberry
Peckham’s, Prestwick Airport, Prestwick
Neil’s Off Sales, 130 Main Street, Prestwick
Drinks Cellar, 136 Main Street, Prestwick
Robbie’s Drams, 3 Sandgate, Ayr
Drinks Cellar, 19 Burns Statue Square, Ayr
2. Turn the corners in from 3. Fold top edge back to
closed edge to centre line. meet triangle. Fold it again
to form cuff over triangle.
Turn paper over.
5. Fold in the right angle 6. Fold resulting truncated
corners to meet the cuff. cone over the cuff and
tuck it in.
8. Pull hat open wide and 9. Tuck the ear
fold down the "ears". into the cuffs.
10. Where your
origami excellence
with pride!
HENDOKU
I CThe S 10 correctly completed entries
K first
will receive a complementary bottle of
Hendrick's Gin.*
S H D K
K R
E I S most would rather have their Hendrick’s
C D
S N E
N H
H D
H C
I R
Wile away time in ghastly automobile
queues or during more sedate periods of
play with out most original version of the
common Sudoku. Simply place a letter
from HENDRICK’S in each empty cell
so that each row, each column and each
3x3 block contains all the letters from
HENDRICK’S. This means that no letter
from HENDRICK’S can appear twice in
any row, column or 3x3 box.
LEVEL: FIENDISHLY DIFFICULT
*Send entries to Unusual Times Hendoku
Contest, Hendrick's Gin, 84 Lower Mortlake
Road, Richmond, Surrey, TW9 2HS. Closing
date: 31st July 2009.
OPE N CH A M PIONSH I P E XT R A
OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP EXTRA 1d
Brought to you by the purveyors of the most unusual Hendrick’s Gin
®
PECULIAR IS PAR
FOR THE COURSE
FEATHERY FERRET
A SCURRILOUS OCCURRENCE
With The JUNIPER JUG finds HUMAN NOSE
RUMOURS SURROUNDING THE ALLEGED MISCHIEVOUS HANDLING of The A GOLF BALL SEEKING FERRET CALLED EGLY is
Golf Champion Trophy by two young apprentice silversmiths at MacKay Cunningham thought to have brought closure on Ayrshire golf ’s most
& Co are set to spread like blooming gorse this week as golf enthusiasts gather for the curious piece of history.
138th Open Championship.
The three-year-old furry friend of the retired Colonel Fairlie
If found to be true, the first returned from foraging under the gorse at Prestwick with
drop to be poured from the a rusty locket containing small bone fragments. From the
commonly known Claret partly eroded engravings on the locket, it is believed to
Jug could in fact be gin! be what’s left of the Cardinal’s nob, or nose to the non-
Scots.
Legend has it that two fine exponents of the hickory
shaft and gutty ball, Lord of Culzean and a monk of
Crossraguel Abbey, played their way around the
Open’s original home, Prestwick Golf Club, under
the most arduous conditions—the kind where
indoors than on the veranda – to settle
a deadly feud. At stake was a most
It has been heard the master silversmith precious and unusual commodity
caught the dastardly duo—known locally for a wager—their noses!
in Auld Reekie as Ruddy on account of his
rosy complexion, and Cuco, famous for his
cucumber-like coolness at pilfering silver
E shavings—red-handed supping a quart of
illicitly distilled juniper-infused spirit direct
from the lip of the esteemed prize.
The trophy had been commissioned in 1872
PLEASE SIP RESPONSIBLY
to replace the Challenge Belt, so expertly
won for keeps two years before. The
two's employment at the trophy’s maker,
MacKay Cunningham & Co, is believed to
have been short-lived thereafter.
A firm hand is indeed the appropriate
action for such disrespectful tomfoolery,
but one can’t help admire the good taste
of Ruddy and Cuco for their choice of
beverage with which to ordain the finest
trophy in golf.
Continued page 2...
T heUnusua lTi mes.net page 1 OPE N CH A M PIONSH I P E XT R A
 The CRUCIALITYof the
CUCUMBER
Or Why Any Sophisticated Tippler
Must Never Rebuke the Cuke
ALTHOUGH THE PROCESS of making
such an impeccably peculiar gin has
many indispensable parts, what truly sets
Hendrick’s apart is an incredibly inspired
array of decidedly unusual botanical
infusions and instillations. And, of course,
most notably and marvellously, the cucumber.
Without its flavour infusions of cucumber,
Hendrick’s would be relegated to the rank
and file of also-rans: far more talented than
most, but just not quite unusual enough to
win the race. Fortunately for all of us, this
is not the case.
At the end of the distillation process,
each tiny batch of Hendrick’s receives
the coup de grâce addition of rose and
cucumber, and instantaneously transcends
humdrummy and passes into the realm of
the peculiar. It is this miraculous and holy
moment that is praised at the completion
of a Hendrick’s cocktail’s preparation with
the addition of its requisite cucumber
garnish. While lemons, olives and limes
have served faithfully over the years as
suitable garnishes for the typical tipples,
GOLDEN BOY JOCK NICKLAUS
WINS DUEL in the SUNSET
T heUnusua lTi mes.net
one must keep in mind at all times that
a drink made with Hendrick’s Gin is
in no way a conventional cocktail. Its
peculiar nature indeed necessitates this
unusually exceptional embellishment.
There is simply no other way to cap
off a Hendrick’s cocktail than with a
piece of little green garnish cut from
the same fruit that gives Hendrick’s
its delightfully unusual flavour. As if
flavour enhancement alone was not a
good enough reason for topping your
tipple with a cucumber, this selection
also provides ample opportunity for
expressive experimentation in shape
and size that is sure to please the eye as
well as the palate. Study the following
advanced garnish specimens well—if
these are too complex for your tastes,
you can always resort to the standard
cucumber slice. Feel free to experiment
as well. If you come up with a particularly
wonderful garnish shape, submit it to
hstone@theunusualtimes.net, and we’ll
publish it online for all to see.
S P O RT I N G N E W S
EARLIER THIS WEEK IN THE MOST
LOGIC-DEFYING CONTEST between
two old adversaries and friends, Mr. Jock
Nicklaus reversed the outcome of his
previous encounter with Mr. Tam Watson
to win the Croy Brae Classic.
Atop their gleaming 19th century
boneshaker and McMillan bicycles, the
two men freewheeled ‘uphill’ for a quarter
of a mile, with Mr. Nicklaus taking the
cucumber and rose garland by half a length.
The traditional challenge between the two
was played out in typical south Ayrshire
summer weather on their way back from a
round of golf at nearby Turnberry.
Visit TheUnusualTimes.net and see the race for yourself.
page 2
Unusual
CUCUMBER
GARNISHES
As featured in the Hendrick’s
Cucumber Companion
The HAIR:
With a vegetable peeler slice lightly to
relieve the cucumber of long thin pieces
of “hair.” These can then be draped over
or arranged in a Hendrick’s cucumber
cocktail accordingly.
The ROSE:
Peel a long thin slice of cucumber. Roll the
cucumber peel so the layers resemble the
petal of a rose. Pierce with a cocktail pick.
The SHORT & PROUD:
Cut two slices of cucumber with slits in
both. Open the slits and slide one cucumber
slice into the other. If you cut thick slices
this peculiar circular garnish will stand
short and proud in a martini glass.
CUCUMBER BALLS:
The melon baller makes beautiful little
pale green cucumber balls. Let them roam
free in a Hendrick’s & Tonic or pick three
together for an almost classic martini look.
F O R M O R E I N F O R M AT I O N G O T O
T H E U N U S UA L T I M E S . N E T
(For those unable to believe what they read, they
should take a visit to the Croy Brae, sometimes
known as the Electric Brae, and experience
freewheeling uphill for themselves. Whilst there
is a slope of 1 in 86 upwards from the bend at
Craigencroy Glen, the unusual configuration of
the land on either side of the road provides an
optical illusion making it look as if the slope is
going the other way. It really is most peculiar.)
Not content with the title, Mr. Nicklaus
held Mr. Watson to the customary
forfeit—a bottle of the winner’s favourite
concoction, which is always the locally
distilled Hendrick’s Gin.
FEATHERY
FERRET
F I N D S
HUMAN
NOSE
Continued from page 1:
Both intent upon keeping the powers of
their snout—the Cardinal for his fondness
of incense and the Lord to maintain his
botanical passion—a more engaging and
pressure-filled game there has never been.
With the ante being upped as the holes ran
out, it was an enormous, cucumber-shaped
bunker that secured the Cardinal’s fate. To
this day, the Cardinal’s Nob gives its name
to the obscene sand trap, ready to catch
foul shots from the course’s 3rd tee or to
the 16th green.
ARDINAL'S NOB
T he C
The fortunate ferret, named after the Earl
of Eglinton, the first captain of Prestwick
who presented a gold medal for annual
competition, won’t have much time to
bask in his 15 minutes of glory.
“He’ll need to keep his paws firmly on the
ground. I want him back hunting for his
favourite featheries and the more inferior
Pro V1s ball at Turberry next week,” barked
owner Colonel Fairlie.
OPE N CH A M PIONSH I P E XT R A
WASTE NOT, WANT NOT SIR
A Guide to Extending the Life of Your Hickory Sticks CROMWELL
AS ANY GOLFER WILL TESTIFY, losing your most trusted club to an act of misfortune is a rare yet disheartening experience.
Stepping up to your gutta percha, ready to strike with a seemingly identical replacement, lingering sentimentality and a yearning for
FAIRWAY,
R E FE R E E of
the old favourite will rise forth from the deepest recesses of the mind to produce a truly unsatisfactory result and angry contemplations
of what might have been. Well, worry no more. Your split hickory shafts can recover to full fitness if you demonstrate skill, attention
to detail and a little love.
1. Ignore the ‘mortice & tenon’ type fixture, your esteemed mashie will never
UN US UAL GOLFING
OC C U R R E NC E S
perform the same again. Instead, rectify using the ‘scarf’ or ‘scare’ joint, frequently
referred to as a splice.
2. Ensure that the original shaft was fitted with the end grain of the wood
lying in the “direction of shot” (i.e. horizontal when looking end-on to the
shaft with the blade of the club sticking straight up). An alarming number Sir,
of charlatans have incorrectly installed the shaft on hickory golf clubs. The When embarking upon my usual Sat-
scare must be cut also horizontal following the grain, and not across it urday morning fourball, my partner
had the most peculiar habit of marking
which will leave the wood prone to splitting as soon as the club is used.
his ball with a whole cucumber. As the
3. Ensure that the length of the scare is in excess of four inches to give marker is neither a small coin or similar
object— note to Rule 20-1—should he
plenty of contacting material at the join between the two pieces.
have incurred a penalty?
4. Once you’ve cut the two pieces and have offered them up against each Yours truly,
other, roughen up each flat area to enable the glue to “key” into the grain. Miles Lessington
(i.e. avoid the simple mistake of making them too smooth!)
5. Use a suitable adhesive which is not too brittle, yet of adequate strength.
If needs be, take advice from your local ironmongers. Dear Mr Lessington,
Whilst your playing partner is wonder-
fully eccentric, he is so within the rules
Now, with old faithful in hand, may your demons dispel and most confident game return!
of the game. The Note to Rule 20-1is
a recommendation of best practice, but
G A S T RO N O M I C P U R S U I T S there is no penalty for failing to act in
accordance with the note. May I sug-
THE DISTILLERS’ gest that your partner finds a better use
for his cucumbers, such as a garnish for
DREAM
the post-round Hendrick’s & Tonic.
Unusually Yours,
Sir Cromwell Fairway
ICE CREAM
THE HENDRICK'S DISTILLERS prunes her roses and Alan can often be
Sir,
ARE RENOWNED THROUGHOUT found chasing cows to secure warm,
When teeing off on a short par three
AYRSHIRE for their peculiar habits and fresh milk straight from the udder for his recently, I had the misfortune to top
odd tastes—John spends long nights talking morning porridge—so news of their latest the ball thus resulting in a low trajec-
to cucumber plants, Lesley persistently creation should come as no surprise. tory—a shot referred to by my playing
companion as a "Seabiscuit". I kid ye
not, and no doubt a hole-in-one would
be easier to achieve, but a ball from an-
other player on another hole hit mine
In cahoots with the Ayrshire Farmhouse midair, sending it into a water hazard. I
Ice Cream Parlour, Hendrick’s took the penalty for a hazard and end-
trio of distillers have created two
ed up with a double bogey. Was this
most obscurely flavoured ices for the correct ruling?
the enjoyment of Open visitors—a
Yours truly,
refreshingly cool cucumber sorbet and
Torquil Whittingstall
a truly flowering rose ice cream.
As is customary with all things
Hendrick’s, it has been hand-made
Dear Mr Whittingstall,
in small batches with nothing but
I’m inclined to agree that a hole-in-
the finest natural ingredients, not
one would be more likely than the out-
to mention fresh milk from prize- come you witnessed—this is the first
winning pedigree Ayrshire cows. Alan such subject to have addressed my post
is especially pleased. bag in 97 years of writing this column.
Now Rule 19-5b specifically addresses
Keep an eye out for the Hendrick’s a ball in motion deflected by another
ice cream vendors on traditional trikes golf ball and says that your ball should
around Turnberry throughout Open be played as it lies. Very strange and
week. Their wares are complimentary, very unfortunate, but you played it cor-
but please do visit our website rectly by the Rules of Golf.
TheUnusualTimes.net to tell us how Unusually Yours,
you enjoyed them. Sir Cromwell Fairway
T heUnusua lTi mes.net page 3 OPE N CH A M PIONSH I P E XT R A