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Beyond Mercy

Revealing the Lie of Abortion

By Bethany Greenleaf-Perez

Forward The Lie Compromise Becoming the Victim Anguish Unleashed A low !oad to !edemption Face to Face #ostscript 1 5 6 7 12 1" 26 $5

Foreword Beyond Mercy

For a while % did not want to write a&out this intimate encounter with 'od( )hat *esus said to me was so personal+ and % was a,raid someone might e-ploit his precious words to me( .owe/er+ % also longed to tell e/er0 post a&ortion1su,,ering woman what % was told &0 the Lord( % wanted them to &e ,ree as % was( lowl0+ 'od started placing a trust in me+ and he pressed upon m0 heart to write a&out what % was shown( % ne/er want to sa0 no to 'od again+ and this is wh0 0ou are holding this &oo2 in 0our hands( %, 0ou ha/e had an a&ortion+ 'od wants to completel0 heal 0ou and set 0ou ,ree( This &oo2 is ,or 0ou(1

The Lie
Belie/ing the deception o, ha/ing an a&ortion se/erel0 scared m0 li,e in wa0s % ne/er 2new were possi&le( For man0 0ears % li/ed with this deepl0 &uried pain+ and % couldn3t e/en listen to other people tal2 a&out a&ortion( %t made me so uncom,orta&le that % would e-cuse m0sel, ,rom the con/ersation+ and lea/e the room( % would ,orce m0sel, not to thin2 a&out m0 a&ortion+ other peoples3 a&ortions+ or a&ortion in general( 40 guilt was so multi1la0ered that % couldn3t e/en sa0 the word a&ortion( 5/er the 0ears+ 'od &egan to heal me ,rom this indescri&a&le pain( But there was one night+ as we sat ,ace to ,ace+ when *esus completel0 remo/ed all the remaining sorrow( % did not &elie/e it would e/er &e possi&le+ &ut that night+ ,or the ,irst time since the a&ortion+ % was trul0 ,ree( 40 heart was ,ree+ and % could actuall0 ,eel real 6o0 where death once reigned( 'od also

wants to heal 0ou+ and heal the millions o, other women around the world who ha/e had a&ortions( )hat atan meant ,or e/il+ 'od will use ,or his good and per,ect purpose( 'od will use our su,,ering to 2eep ,uture a&ortions ,rom happening( %t isn3t the 2nowledge o, sin that heals our souls7 it3s the un/eiling o, how deepl0 'od ,orgi/es that ma2es all things new again( )e will 2now the truth+ and the truth will set us ,ree( This is how we trul0 o/ercome(

Being raised Catholic+ a&ortion was not something % e/er considered an option while growing up( % was a staunch &elie/er in the pro1li,e mo/ement+ and % couldn3t under1 stand how an0one could e/er 6usti,0 ha/ing an a&ortion( % remem&er+ as a teenager+ how someone reall0 close to me was contemplating ha/ing an a&ortion( At the last minute this person decided not to go through with it+ and % was

secretl0 relie/ed( 8/en though % saw a ,ew o, m0 ,riends go through teen pregnanc0+ and % witnessed how the0 struggled &eing so 0oung and unprepared+ % still ne/er considered a&ortion an option( .owe/er+ not too man0 0ears later+ % learned that unplanned pregnanc0 at an0 age leads people to ma2e decisions the0 ne/er thought the0 could( A,ter college someone /er0 close to me ended up ha/ing two a&ortions( % was appalled+ 6udgmental+ and % loo2ed down on this 0oung woman( % remained her ,riend+ &ut % sincerel0 thought less o, her( .ow could a woman willingl0 a&ort her &a&09 Loo2ing &ac2+ % can onl0 imagine how m0 condescending perception must ha/e saddened 'od3s heart(

Becoming the Victim

%t3s eas0 to 6udge others when 0ou don3t ha/e to wal2 in their shoes( )e do it dail0+

consciousl0+ and su&consciousl0( 'od tells us to 6udge not+ least we are 6udged( That doesnt mean we dont take a stand for what is right; it means we show others the same mercy that has een shown to !s thro!gh "es!s# )e aren3t :uali,ied to do an0thing else( )hen we e-tend the merc0 o, *esus+ then we &ecome :uali,ied to 6udge righteousl0( As with most people+ m0 childhood was less than per,ect( 40 mother su,,ered a stro2e while pregnant with m0 0ounger &rother( he sur/i/ed+ &ut the emotional+ spiritual+ and ph0sical handicaps that resulted ,rom her illness made our li/es a &it o, a challenge( 40 dad was a ,unctional alcoholic+ and he dran2 to cope with all the di,,iculties atan threw into our home( As a result+ % &ecame the pleaser and the o/erachie/er while growing up( Being this t0pe o, child seemed to &ring the accolades % desperatel0 needed( )hile m0 mother was in the hospital+ and m0 ,ather was wor2ing out o, town+ % was molested &0 someone m0 ,ather entrusted

his children with( % didn3t e/en understand what had happened to me until man0 0ears later+ &ut % had deep rooted emotional damage that % co/ered up success,ull0 ;or so % thought< ,or man0 0ears( A,ter high school % attended a pri/ate art school ,or a while( % &ecame disillusioned with what it o,,ered+ returned home+ and later on that 0ear attended a state uni/ersit0( There % learned to part0 and to escape ,rom the emotions % ne/er allowed to sur,ace( A,ter graduation % mo/ed to a small resort communit0 with m0 college roommate( )e ,ound seasonal emplo0ment and a part0ing li,est0le( % did not attend church+ and % hung out with people who were into drugs and the occult ,or the entire summer( Later that 0ear % ,ound a teaching 6o&+ &ut % returned to the resort town once summer /acation hit+ and to m0 part0ing ,riends( That same summer % ,ell in lo/e with the man % &elie/ed % was going to marr0+ &ut that relationship almost emotionall0 and spirituall0 2illed me(

This man was tall+ handsome+ and e-tremel0 ,unn0( .e could ma2e me laugh no matter what was going on around me( % could share m0 whole heart with him+ and he treated me li2e % was the onl0 one in the whole world that mattered( The ,act that we dran2 li2e ,ish+ snorted cocaine+ and he was separated ,rom his wi,e didn3t seem to register as &la=ing red ,lags that had the potential to destro0 me( )hen 0ou are not li/ing the li,e 'od desires ,or 0ou+ the enem0 can &e /er0 success,ul at distracting 0ou ,rom the truth( 40 main ,ocus was how much % lo/ed this man( % &elie/ed whate/er he told me+ and % &elie/ed % was the most important person in the world to him( )e e/entuall0 mo/ed in together+ and % &egan to plan what a wonder,ul li,e we were going to ha/e( %t was at this point when m0 entire 0oung adult li,e &egan to unra/el( hortl0 a,ter mo/ing in together+ % disco/ered that % had &ecome pregnant( 40 whole world changed+ and the man that % thought was the lo/e o, m0 li,e changed too( % was no longer the most important person in his world7 % &ecame last on his list( .e e/en


told me that he had decided to reconcile with his estranged wi,e( .is words sta&&ed m0 heart completel0 through+ and % &elie/ed % was completel0 alone( (ot on)y was my heart shattered* + had no one + co!)d t!rn to# ,nce the man + )o-ed had decided to reconci)e with his wife* how + co!)d ha-e this a y witho!t her finding o!t. +t wo!)d on)y r!in her )ife too# /hat wo!)d e the p!rpose. 0e didnt want me anymore; why de-astate two )i-es. % couldn3t go to m0 parents( The0 alwa0s told e/er0one that % was the child that sta0ed out o, trou&le( .ow could % tell them % had made such a huge mista2e9 % was the o/erachie/er that m0 ,ather was so proud o,( .is nic2name ,or me was >&right and shining star(? % couldn3t &ear to not &e called that an0more( .ow could % let him down when he &elie/ed in me li2e he did9 Too man0 people e-pected me to &e the 2id that didn3t ma2e mista2es li2e this7 % couldn3t let them down( Being the good 2id+ the o/erachie/er+ was who % was7 it3s all % had(


% e/en rationali=ed that the part0ing % had &een doing+ most li2el0+ had damaged the &a&0 an0wa0+ and % would pro&a&l0 miscarr0( 5/er the ne-t ,ew da0s+ % ,inall0 tal2ed m0sel, into ma2ing this li,e scarring decision( @o one ,orced me+ &ut i, % had 2nown how the a&ortion would de/astate me ,or the rest o, m0 li,e+ % ne/er would ha/e allowed it to happen( %, someone had shared with me what a&ortion trul0 does to 0ou+ % would ha/e ,igured out another wa0 to deal with m0 situation(

1ng!ish 2n)eashed
% remem&er the ,og o, m0 thin2ing while the man+ who was no longer the lo/e o, m0 li,e+ dro/e me to the a&ortion ,acilit0( % remem&er signing in and waiting to &e called( % remem&er the nurse stro2ing m0 hand 6ust &e,ore the procedure+ and how she reassured me that e/er0thing would &e ,ine( % remem&er the doctor &eing /isi&l0 anno0ed


with me as % cried the whole time through the ordeal( % remem&er how impersonal and cold e/er0thing ,elt+ and how no one seemed to understand the silent screams &eing released inside me( % remem&er wal2ing out o, the medical &uilding with m0 heart so &ro2en % thought % was going to die( % remem&er not &elie/ing what % had 6ust done( % remem&er &elie/ing that % was now a lesser person+ someone with a hidden secret+ and % didn3t want to li/e( % remem&er e/er0 detail( % remem&er( 5n the wa0 home ,rom the a&ortion our car smashed into another car ,rom &ehind( % slid o,, the ,ront seat+ hit m0 head on the dash&oard+ and slumped onto the ,loor( % remem&er &eing dropped o,, miles ,rom where % li/ed ;as not to &e caught &0 the newl0 reconciled wi,e< as % wal2ed home alone( % remem&er hot tears streaming down m0 ,ace as % trudged along the side o, the road( All % could hear were the words ((( worthless+ pathetic+ dirt0+ ugl0+ and stupid( The enem0 o, m0 soul 2ept whispering in m0 ear+ >*ust loo2 at 0oursel, now(? )hen %


,inall0 reached m0 place+ % curled up on m0 &ed and hoped % would die( The ne-t morning came+ and % la0 motionless on m0 &ed+ not wanting to get up or go on( % ,inall0 dragged m0sel, to the mirror+ and was completel0 horri,ied &0 m0 re,lection( % could &arel0 recogni=e the woman staring &ac2 at me( 40 ,orehead was one massi/e &ruise+ and the windows to m0 soul were gla=ed o/er in a dar2ened sadness that deepl0 ,rightened me( There were cries o, anguish ,orming in the &ac2 o, m0 throat+ and % ,ound it di,,icult to &reathe( % had ne/er ,elt so de,eated+ so worthless+ or so pathetic in all m0 li,e( % had &ecome what % had said % alwa0s hated( % heard the words o, the ad/ersar0 sa0+ > ee+ 0ou3re e/er0thing % ha/e alwa0s said 0ou were(? % loo2ed awa0 and hung m0 head in shame( 5ne night shortl0 a,ter the a&ortion+ % got together with the ,ather o, m0 now a&orted child( .e didn3t want to tal2 a&out how % was ,eeling+ and % didn3t want to hear a&out his li,e without me( o we dran2 awa0 our con/ersation until we were &oth completel0


num& ,rom the alcohol+ and % wanted to go home( % had par2ed m0 car in a par2ing lot up on a hill that was a&out a ,i/e1minute wal2 ,rom where we had &een part0ing( .e waited ,or me at the &ottom o, the hill+ while % went to get m0 car( There was onl0 one wa0 out o, the par2ing lot( % simpl0 needed to &ac2 out o, the par2ing space+ and turn le,t out onto the street( .owe/er+ in m0 alcohol ,og+ % put the car in dri/e and dro/e across a lawn and down o/er appro-imatel0 an eight1,oot em&an2ment onto the street &elow( % should ha/e continued going straight into a &ig plate glass window o, a tele/ision store+ &ut somehow m0 car turned around in mid air( % landed ,acing the direction tra,,ic should go( % landed with an incredi&le thud that /iolentl0 &ounced m0 car up and down+ and shoo2 me so&er( % sat there in m0 car completel0 stunned and shoc2ed that % was ali/e( eeing what had 6ust happened+ m0 e-1 &o0,riend ran o/er to the car and as2ed me what % was doing( .e was in dis&elie, at


what he had 6ust witnessed( @ot 2nowing what else to do+ and sha2ing li2e a lea,+ % dro/e home( % sat on m0 &ed while going o/er in m0 mind what had 6ust happened+ &ut it o/erwhelmed m0 a&ilit0 to understand( % should ha/e &een 2illed+ &ut % was sitting there /er0 much ali/e( The ne-t morning % disco/ered that % had a hole in m0 gas tan2+ &ut there was no other damage to m0 car( % wal2ed to wor2 ,ollowing an inch wide gas trail all the wa0 into town( %t stopped right where % had landed in the street( % loo2ed at the em&an2ment+ and at the plate glass window % should ha/e crashed straight into( There was no wa0 in the uni/erse that m0 car should ha/e &een a&le to turn around in mid air ( ( ( it de,ied the laws o, ph0sics ( ( ( % should ha/e &een dead( % ha/e not shared this stor0 with man0 people+ until now+ &ecause who would &elie/e me9 But now % don3t care i, people don3t &elie/e me( %t happened( 40 de,eated ugl0 li,e was spared7 wh09 % ,elt that % deser/ed death( ome Christians sa0 that when 0ou step out ,rom under 'od3s


co/ering+ he can3t protect 0ou( All % 2now is that he did protect me+ ma0&e ,or a time such as this( 'od sees past the present+ and sees our ,uture+ and sometimes he rescues us when we don3t deser/e it( But+ then again+ wasn3t that the whole purpose o, the cross9 ometimes he deli/ers us ,rom the enem03s plan+ ,or no other reason than &ecause .e is 'od+ and he can do whate/er he wants( %3m 6ust so than2,ul ,or the merc0 poured out on me+ and how he died ,or me while % was still such a deli&erate sinner( For more than a 0ear a,ter the a&ortion+ % su,,ered ,rom se/ere an-iet0 attac2s+ sel,1 hatred+ and pain so deep within m0 soul that i, % allowed m0sel, to ,eel it ,ull0+ % was sure % would lose m0 mind( A&ortion had secretl0 made me ph0sicall0 ill( For a while+ % wouldn3t permit m0sel, to e/en thin2 a&out the a&ortion( % actuall0 pretended that it didn3t happen+ &ecause % 6ust couldn3t ,ace it(


1 6)ow 7oad to 7edemption

Finall0+ one a,ternoon+ % wal2ed into a church sanctuar0 and sat down( The church was completel0 empt0+ and % 6ust sat there in the silence and con,essed to 'od what % had done( % didn3t allow m0sel, to &ecome emotional a&out it+ or % wouldn3t &e a&le to get through it( % simpl0 con,essed m0 sin+ and told 'od how sorr0 % was( % 2new 'od could ,orgi/e me+ &ut % still couldn3t ,orgi/e m0sel,( % couldn3t share how % was ,eeling with an0one7 no one could e/er 2now( )ell into m0 adulthood+ 'od &egin to heal me ,rom the deepl0 hidden pain o, &eing molested as a child( .e didn3t ta2e me into 0ears o, therap07 he simpl0 reached into m0 understanding+ and allowed me to see him as he hung on the cross( As % loo2ed upon m0 sins &eing heaped upon him and the e,,ect o, sin ,rom others done to me &eing heaped upon on him ( ( ( % could not den0 his lo/ing sacri,ice( .e ga/e me e/er0thing he had+ including his own li,e+ so % could li/e( Then


he &reathed the ,ollowing words into m0 heartA A Red Tear Fell

(the blood of Christ)

The Ancient of Days In His perfection Allowed free will Even that of evil And Satan sought to devour e !nly Satan couldn"t see fro the after ath In the infinite eternal ti e line #elieving his weapons His violations upon y soul Caused da age beyond repair #ut the Ancient of Days Saw into forever He $new I would survive He $new y scars %ould be the evidence of evil"s e&istence 'ever to be ignored( but battled As the )ord turned His face *nable to bear witness As evil har ed His child A red tear fell


And landed on y pain And $issed y spirit And gave e strength And goodness And self honor The Ancient of Days So deeply understood Creating e %ould be worth every tear +nowing I would not die fro the battle Seeing past the evil Declaring y worth I clearly see the scars ,laced upon y soul I wear the as a badge of courage And a spit in the ene y"s eye I a not destroyed5nce 'od healed m0 heart ,rom that deepl0 hidden memor0+ he &egan to wor2 on m0 .eart concerning the a&ortion( 8/en though % &elie/ed % was ,orgi/en+ % ne/er ,elt % was ,orgi/en(


For one thing+ % didn3t 2now how m0 child in .ea/en could e/er understand wh0 % had done what % did( That &othered me most o, all( )hat must m0 child thin29 .ow could m0 child e/er &elie/e m0 lo/e9 % rehearsed in m0 head what % would sa0 when we met one da0+ &ut % could ne/er trul0 ,ind the words to 6usti,0 to m0 child what % had done( .ow would m0 child e/er &elie/e me9 4an0 0ears later+ % ,orced m0sel, to sit down and write a poem to m0 child( Till I Come Home !ne day I $now( I"ll see your face %hen .od calls e ho e to you And forever( you( I will e brace #reathe you in( live in your space I have never once not wanted you #ut instead believed a lie The o ent you were gone fro e 'ever/ending sadness now resides 0orgive e( please forgive e How I long to change that day


1our e ory never leaves e *nbearable pain forever stays So e day we"ll be together 1ou will see y soul And $now I have never once 'ot loved you As .od guards you 2 till I co e ho e All this emotional and spiritual damage was incredi&l0 hard to deal with on a dail0 &asis7 % simpl0 li/ed m0 li,e pretending % was o2a0( The Lord &rought people into m0 li,e through wor2 and social occasions that spo2e to me a&out 'od3s lo/e( This was man0 times anno0ing( % alread0 2new a&out 'od3s lo/e7 % grew up in church( % had all the head 2nowledge+ ,elt .is presence+ &ut deep inside % &elie/ed 'od lo/ed me less &ecause o, what % had done( % &elie/ed % was a disappointment to .im+ unworth0 and not to &e trusted( And the church did nothing to alle/iate m0 torture( 4an0 people in the &od0 o, Christ ha/e a hea/0 tongue when it comes to a&ortion( %


was once one o, those people7 &ut 'od is ha/ing me spea2 out now( There was e/en a time when a woman who was m0 ,riend said that she couldn3t wait until 6udgment da0 so all the women who had a&ortions and all the doctors who had per,ormed them could see all the &a&ies the0 a&orted+ and who these &a&ies would ha/e turned out to &e( % was so stunned &0 her statement that % wanted to crawl in a hole and die( % 2new i, she e/er ,ound out that % had an a&ortion+ she3d want me to go straight to hell( %t was un&eara&le to hear how people in the church condemned people who had a&ortions( .ow could we e/er tell an0one+ see2 counsel+ or as2 ,or help to heal9 )e had to remain hidden and ashamed( #eople in the church had reduced the si=e o, the cross+ and limited 'od3s lo/e( There was no healing to &e ,ound in the place where it was needed most o, all( The relationships % had a,ter the a&ortion were unhealth0+ and the0 didn3t last( )hen % ,inall0 started dating the man who is now m0 hus&and+ % was attending church on a


semi1regular &asis( % was tr0ing to get &ac2 into a right relationship with 'od+ &ut once again+ deep down % still ,elt worthless+ ugl0+ and with secrets no one could e/er 2now( % 2new 'od lo/ed me+ &ut % thought % had to &e last on his list o, children( And the church had encouraged me to &elie/e this lie( % had man0 sins+ and % had had an a&ortion( .ow could 'od e/er trust me again9 %t wasn3t until % ga/e &irth to m0 son that % had a deep and pro,ound re/elation o, 'od3s unconditional lo/e ,or me( % trul0 &elie/e 'od ga/e me m0 son as a gi,t+ as proo,+ o, his great unending lo/e ,or me( From the moment % held m0 son in m0 arms+ and loo2ed at his precious little ,ace+ % trul0 understood unconditional lo/e ,or the ,irst time( 'od did trust me7 he ga/e me this child that was ,illing up that empt0 pain % had resigned m0sel, to li/e with( % 2new there would ne/er &e an0thing this child could do that would e/er ma2e me stop lo/ing him( %


understood how 'od could still trul0 lo/e me( 8/er0 da0 m0 son is a reminder o, how much 'od lo/es me( % touch his ,ace+ and &reathe in the goodness o, 'od( 5ne da0 when m0 son was still 6ust a &a&0+ % cried out to 'od to penetrate his heart+ and ma2e him a might0 man o, 'od( That cr0 came ,rom the deepest place in m0 soul+ as % told 'od % could ne/er &ear to &e without this child in .ea/en( 'od honored that heart3s cr0+ and m0 son accepted the Lord at a /er0 0oung age( )hen he was little he would sa0+ >4omm0+ tell me a&out 'od(? )e would &e riding in the car+ and out o, the &lue+ he would sa0+ >4om+ can we tal2 a&out 'od9? % would silentl0 than2 'od ,or hearing m0 pra0er( 40 son alwa0s disli2ed &eing an onl0 child( 5ne da0 % thought % would &e strong enough to tell him that he had a &rother or sister in .ea/en+ &ut % was a,raid to tell him( % didn3t want his opinion o, me to change(


)hen % ,inall0 did get up the courage to tell him+ his reaction was one o, pure lo/e( .e put his head in m0 lap and made me promise that % would ne/er go ,ar awa0 ,rom 'od again( .e was as concerned a&out losing me as % was a&out losing his lo/e( .is acceptance o, m0 imper,ection was+ 0et again+ another e-ample o, per,ect uncon1 ditional lo/e(

Face to Face 8nco!nter

For man0 0ears % ,elt that % was as healed+ as I possibly could be( ,rom the scars o, ha/ing an a&ortion( % tal2ed to women a&out how to heal ,rom se-ual a&use+ and how to heal ,rom the sin o, ha/ing an a&ortion( % tal2ed a&out how when 'od ,orgi/es us+ .e throws our sins into the depths o, the sea+ ne/er to &e remem&ered again( % :uoted all the scriptures on ,orgi/eness+ and spo2e a&out the completeness o, the cross( %n m0 head % &elie/ed e/er0 word+ &ut in m0 heart+ % 6ust couldn3t accept how it


was possi&le ,or 'od to ,orget when it came to a&ortion( % accepted that 'od could ,orgi/e a&ortion+ &ut how could he ,orget the a&ortion when the e/idence o, that sin resided with him in .ea/en9 5ne night+ a ,ew 0ears later+ during a time o, resting in the presence o, the Lord+ % was ta2en into an open /ision( % ha/e e-per1 ienced /isions &e,ore( The0 are almost li2e dreaming+ &ut 0ou are awa2e( This open /ision was completel0 di,,erent than an0thing % had e/er e-perienced &e,ore( %t wasn3t li2e a dream( uddenl0+ % was in .ea/en sitting &eside *esus in some 2ind o, seat that was suspended in mid air( The sights and sounds o, e/er0thing around me were completel0 real and tangi&le( *esus and % were ,ace to ,ace+ and % was in complete awe o, who he was( % was in a completel0 di,,erent place than on 8arth+ and it was i, time was standing still( )hen % loo2ed into the e0es o, *esus % understood ,or the ,irst time+ 3There is no conde nation in Christ 4esus56 )hen he loo2ed at me % ,elt completel0 2nown+


completel0 accepted+ and completel0 lo/ed ,rom the inside out( %t was as i, he 2new all the :uestions in m0 heart+ and he wanted to tal2 to me a&out them+ &ut m0 deepest :uestion was a&out a&ortion( *esus said( >)hat do 0ou want to as2 me9? o+ % as2ed .im wh0 % didn3t 0EE) completel0 ,orgi/en concerning the a&ortion( .e loo2ed at me and said( >Because 0ou still &elie/e 0ou ha/e to pa0 ,or it(? % hung m0 head and said( >Bes(? *esus then said( >%, 0ou gi/e me that lie+ % will gi/e 0ou something in return(? o+ % reached into m0 heart and ga/e the lie to *esus( % don3t 2now how % did it( % 6ust loo2ed into who % was+ and let .im ta2e it( *esus loo2ed at me so tenderl0+ and then he loo2ed down into m0 arms( o % loo2ed down too+ and gasped( .e had placed m0 a&orted child ;and % 2new it was a &o0< into m0 arms(


% was holding m0 &a&0+ and tears o, 6o0 ,illed e/er0 part o, m0 &od0( 40 &a&0 &o0 had thic2 &lac2 hair+ and &ig chocolate e0es( .e was staring &ac2 at me+ and % can3t e/er remem&er &eing so happ0( 4an0 moments passed+ and % ,inall0 loo2ed &ac2 at *esus+ and dared to spea2( .is ,ace was so gentle and 2nowing( % 2ept thin2ing how un&elie/a&l0 2ind he was( % 2now that sounds so odd+ &ut it3s hard to descri&e per,ect lo/e( For the ,irst time in m0 li,e+ % was e-periencing per,ect lo/e+ and it consumed me( )hen % ,inall0 spo2e again to *esus+ % said( >% can understand how Bou can ,orgi/e the sin o, a&ortion+ &ut how can Bou ,orget this sin when Bou ha/e the reminder ;this person who was a&orted< here in .ea/en with 0ou9? *esus tenderl0 loo2ed at me+ and smiled at me li2e % was a little child who didn3t understand( There was no condemnation+ no ,rustration+ onl0 lo/e+ and a desire ,or me to understand(


*esus spo2e with the most &eauti,ul gentleness and said( >)hen % ,orgi/e a&ortion+ % no longer see a woman who a&orted her &a&0( % onl0 see a mother who is temporaril0 without her child(? % suddenl0 ,elt li2e a child who had 6ust &een told the greatest truth o, all( uch humilit0 and awe o/erwhelmed me( )hen *esus ,orgi/es a&ortion+ .e no longer sees a ,orgi/en woman on 8arth and her a&orted &a&0 in .ea/en( .e onl0 sees a per,ect woman on 8arth waiting to &e with her child who is temporaril0 without her( >5hhhh(? % said( >% didn3t see( % didn3t understand(? *esus simpl0 smiled and said( >% 2now(? % ,inall0 understood what *esus meant when .e said that .e ma2es all things new again( %hen He forgives sins( it"s as if they never happened and the reality of what was changes to so ething new5 )hen there is no sin+ there is no sin e,,ect( % ,elt li2e a thousand lights had &een turned on in m0 understanding(


*esus then &egan to show me man0 other things in .ea/en( % saw m0 son as a toddler+ a 0oung child+ a teenager+ and as a 0oung man( % saw m0 other son standing with him side &0 side( The0 loo2ed so per,ect+ so strong+ and health0( *esus turned to me and said( 0our two sons(? >There are

% had a peace ,orming deep within m0 soul ,or the ,irst time( % was so o/er6o0ed to &e a&le to see m0 ,irst child in and out o, time+ &ecause there was no time( .e was ,ull o, 6o0 and alwa0s happ0( )hat a relie, that was ,or me( % had o,ten wondered i, m0 child was thin2ing a&out wh0 % had a&orted him+ and how he would accept me( o % as2ed *esus these :uestions as % watched m0 child pla0( >Can % tell him how much % lo/e him+ and that % alwa0s wanted him9? Again+ *esus loo2ed at me with such merc0 and tenderness as .e answered( >Bour child does not li/e in that realit0( .e doesn3t li/e in the realit0 o, a&ortion( That3s


not who he is( .e li/es in the pure realit0 that he is temporaril0 without the mother that lo/es him( That is all(? Again+ complete humilit0 and awe o, 'od3s holiness o/ertoo2 me( 40 child will ne/er li/e in the realit0 o, m0 sin( % couldn3t &elie/e it7 % was so happ0 that m0 heart wanted to soar( *esus had ta2en what % had done+ and completel0 changed it ,rom &eginning to end( 40 child li/es in purit0 and complete ,reedom( % was ,inall0 grasping the true power o, the cross( % wal2ed o/er to m0 son+ and he loo2ed at me as i, he and % 2new each other alread0( .e smiled with complete acceptance and lo/e and said( >.ello+ 4omm0(? % smiled &ac2 at him and time stood still( There is no time in .ea/en( %t3s as i, m0 child and % ha/e alread0 li/ed as mother and son+ &ecause o, the eternal timeline( @ow and eternit0 are somehow one( % don3t understand it all+ &ut it was so real( For now we see as in a mirror, darkly: but then we shall see face to face.


Now I know in art, but then I shall know as I am known. ;7 Corinthians 1$A12< There were man0 other things that % saw during m0 open /ision( 4ost o, it was personal+ and o, no interest to an0one &ut me( The one thing that % ,elt compelled to do was to share what was re/ealed to me a&out a&ortion( % 2now there are millions o, women who are in as much pain as % was &ecause o, a&ortion( *esus wants 0ou to &e ,ree+ trul0 ,ree+ and he wants 0ou to ha/e a /oice( Condemnation and guilt were nailed to the cross+ &ut when it comes to a&ortion+ man0 o, 'od3s people ha/e prolonged the su,,ering o, this sin ,or man0 women( % &elie/e this is wh0 the Lord ga/e me this open /ision( % was a prisoner o, this sin in the church+ and it3s time ,or the Bod0 o, Christ to set the capti/es ,ree( A&ortion is a terri&le+ horri&le+ lie that America and man0 other countries li/e in( )e must spea2 up and tell the world how de/astating a&ortion is+ and a&out its demorali=ing side e,,ects that last a li,e time(


%t is the women who ha/e li/ed in this lie that must &e heard( )e must spea2 now ,or each other+ and ,or the un&orn( )e are the ones who can turn the hearts o, the people( )e are ,ree7 now what will we do with this ,reedom9 !ehold, I make all thin"s new a"ain. !e/elation 21A5(



ince writing >Be0ond 4erc0? % had another deepl0 hidden secret in m0 heart cleansed( Bears ago % had a partial re/elation o, the cross when it came to &eing healed ,rom the childhood memor0 o, molestation( .owe/er+ there was still hidden anger+ ,ear+ and &itterness when it came to the realit0 o, an innocent child &eing scarred in this wa0( !ecentl0+ while pra0ing+ % dared to get completel0 /ulnera&le with the Lord a&out this &eing allowed to damage the innocence o, m0 childhood( % needed more re/elation to erase the secret anger+ pain+ and the ,ear( % was a little wisp o, a thing who lo/ed the Lord and all o, his creation( 40 ,amil0 was torn a part+ e/il stamped its ugl0 mar2 on me in place o, m0 innocent intimac0+ and 2illed what was to &e an e-tension o, per,ection( %t was allowed to happen7 wh09 )h0 does e/il get to harm innocent children9 % can understand it ha/ing access to adults who sin or ,all awa0 ,rom the lo/e and protection


o, Father 'od+ &ut not innocent children who are at the merc0 o, e/il( )h09 )h0 is that allowed9 .ow are we+ as children+ e/er to ,eel sa,e when we are not protected ,rom this e/il9 .ow do we not li/e in ,ear when we ha/e e-perienced not &eing protected9 % under1 stood how 'od is per,ect lo/e+ and per,ect lo/e casts out all ,ear C &ut % was ,ear,ul( % needed to understand how to not wear this ,ear+ instead o, pretending it wasn3t there9 .ow do we trust that e/il has no power when it did ha/e power to scar me so deepl09 uddenl0+ % was ta2en &ac2 to m0 childhood+ to the night it happened+ &ut there was complete sa,et0( As dar2ness entered the room and schemed to de/our me+ *esus scooped me ;m0 spirit< up and carried me to a place as high as the top o, !edwood trees( As e/il tried to o/erwhelm me+ *esus and % loo2ed awa0( )e cast our e0es out &e0ond the &eaut0 o, the atmosphere as we lingered in the peace o, creation( )e &reathed in goodness+ merc0+ and per,ect lo/e( % heard


the Lord sa0+ >This is where % was( % re1 mo/ed 0ou+ and we loo2ed awa0+ as % held 0ou in m0 arms(? % understood in completeness that we are onl0 to &e concerned with what can destro0 us spirituall0+ not what can harm our &odies( The re/elation we recei/e >&0 the renewing o, our minds? through the .ol0 pirit trul0 ma2es all things new again+ and all things possi&le( 40 ,inite ;incomplete< understanding gripped me with the limitations o, anger+ &itterness+ and ,ear( But when *esus showed me that at the /er0 hour when % thought % was the most /ulnera&le and unprotected+ He was ri"ht there. .e had ne/er le,t me or ,orsa2en me( 40 human understanding did not comprehend what was happening in the spirit( .e did not lea/e me alone to deal with e/il ( ( ( He remo#ed the art of me that could not be destroyed, and we looked away. )e do not alwa0s see what is going on the spirit realm as e/il comes our wa0+ &ut we


must 2now+ &e0ond our human compre1 hension+ that we are ne/er alone( $And surely I am with you always, to the #ery end of the a"e.% &atthew '(:') % wanted to share this latest re/elation+ &ecause+ as people in this ,allen world+ we su,,er a great deal at the hands o, e/il( )e must understand that the enem0 o, our souls wants us to &elie/e that 'od does not lo/e us enough to protect us( The enem0 wants us to &elie/e that 'od3s lo/e has sel,1 preser/ation :ualities+ and .e willingl0 limits his strength and co/ering o/er us( .owe/er+ we must understand that '5D % #8!F8CT L5V8( .8 % L5V8 5 #5)8!FUL T.AT .8 CA@ !A% 8 .%4 8LF F!54 T.8 D8AD( )hen .e died in our place+ we were gi/en the /er0 2e0 to li,e itsel,(

#ethany would love to hear fro you5 1ou can contact her at scottishgreenleaf8yahoo5co or on 0aceboo$ at #eth .reenleaf/,ere95 4%