Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and

Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.

Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

!" $%&'(
)* +,-./-" 0--.-'
1he flrsL Llme l meL Allyah, ln 2011, we smlled aL each oLher, guarded. 1he lmam had
[usL remlnded us durlng !umma Lo have Laqwa, Lo be on guard. nelLher of us needed
LhaL remlnder Lhough: we had already masLered lL. SlsLer LllzabeLh lnLroduced us and
sLood off Lo Lhe slde, waLchlng us bulld our lnvlslble forLresses. LaLer, l LweeLed, MeL a
beauLlful Musllma Loday." l was Lerrlfled aL Lhe prospecL of geLLlng Lo know her, buL l
wanLed noLhlng more.
lL was Lhe second year afLer l'd moved from norLh Carollna Lo Callfornla. l had moved Lo
escape boredom and chlldhood memorles, leavlng Ashley, my beauLlful non-Musllm
glrlfrlend, behlnd. We had been a couple for a few monLhs, buL had known each oLher
for Lwo years. She sald she would leave wlLh me [usL llke LhaL"-she dldn'L have Lo see
a flve-year plan or a flve-dlglL number ln my bank accounL. My promlse was all she
needed. l lefL norLh Carollna ln SepLember 2009 and sLarLed maklng plans for our
fuLure. 8y !anuary, she had lefL me for her whlLe ex-boyfrlend, a blow Lo Lhe Crlglnal
8lackman's ego, a carryover senLlmenL from my SLephen x days.
1he nexL year was one of grlef and sorrow fllled wlLh blLLer, desperaLe crylng when l goL
up ln Lhe mornlng, ln my car beLween meeLlngs, and ln bed aL nlghL. unllke wlLh Lhe
ropheL, nelLher my uncle nor my wlfe had dled, buL my hope had, and l grleved. When l
meL Allyah Lhe followlng auLumn, l had healed a greaL deal buL was fucklng Lerrlfled of
openlng up agaln.
A few weeks laLer, SlsLer LllzabeLh lnvlLed Allyah Lo a communlLy meeLlng l'd organlzed
aL Lhe San lranclsco Musllm CommunlLy CenLer. l was a falLh-based communlLy
organlzer wlLh Lhe San lranclsco Crganlzlng ro[ecL (SlC) aL Lhe Llme, and relaLlonshlp
bulldlng was parL of my [ob descrlpLlon. 1he meeLlng's focus was on developlng
LransformaLlonal relaLlonshlps as Lhe basls of powerful organlzaLlon for change. My
prompL Lo Lhe group was Share a Llme you felL powerless." Allyah spoke abouL her
falled marrlage. l LhoughL, Poly shlL, she's been marrled before. 1he prospecLs for us
began looklng sllmmer. She was older and had been marrled, whaL experlence could l
offer?
l closed ouL Lhe meeLlng.

Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

CreaL meeLlng faclllLaLlon," someone sald, leavlng.
l looked around Lo see lf Allyah had lefL and spoLLed her by Lhe door. WlLh greaL
heslLaLlon, l walked up Lo her Lo schedule a one-Lo-one meeLlng. SomeLhlng we do wlLh
all poLenLlal leaders, l Lold myself Lo lower Lhe emoLlonal rlsk.
Assalaamu alaykum."
Walaykum assalaam, hey," she smlled.
l felL Lhe sweaL on my Lorso bubbllng underneaLh my skln and erupLlng Lo Lhe surface.
WhaL'd you Lhlnk?" l asked, sLlcklng my hands ln my pockeLs, noL knowlng whaL else Lo
do wlLh Lhem.
lL was greaL, yeah. l wlsh more people would have been here, known abouL lL, ya
know?"
?eah, Lhe LurnouL could have been beLLer. Maybe you could help geL Lhe word ouL
abouL Lhe nexL one?"
l'm abouL Lo sLarL grad school so mlghL noL have much Llme Lo parLlclpaLe Lhen, buL l
can help ouL now."
WhaLever you can conLrlbuLe wlll help."
An awkward, unnervlng sllence seLLled beLween us. l lowered my gaze, and gave myself
a sllenL pep Lalk. no ulLerlor moLlves-[usL a one-Lo-one.
We should have a one-Lo-one, a chance Lo geL Lo know one anoLher and undersLand
whaL lssues we're passlonaLe abouL," l explalned breaLhlessly.
Ckay, when dld you wanL Lo meeL?" she asked.
1haL wasn'L so bad.
Pow abouL nexL Wednesday?
Sounds good. Should we exchange numbers ln case someLhlng changes?"
She pulled ouL her phone and l reclLed my number. l sLole a long glance as she Lyped.
She had a small round head covered wlLh a long plnk scarf, sofL cheeks and Lhe plnkesL
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

llps l'd ever seen. She had a regal, dlgnlfled beauLy l'd rarely seen. AfLer punchlng ln my
number, she looked up. l shlfLed my gaze pasL her as lf Lrylng Lo flnd someone.
uld you need Lo go Lalk Lo someone?" she asked polnLlng her Lhumb over her shoulder.
no, [usL Lrylng Lo see lf broLher lareed ls sLlll here."
Ch, okay. 1haL's me calllng so you can save my number ln your phone."
SweeL, Lhanks." lL occurred Lo me LhaL l could have goLLen her number from Lhe slgn-ln
sheeL. l smlled and wondered lf she had reallzed lL Loo. Ckay, goLLa run. See you soon,
lnshAllah."
Assalaamu alaykum!" she waved Llmldly.
Walaykum assalaam," l sald, sLrolllng away as nonchalanLly as l could.
She wanLed Lo go somewhere beauLlful near Lhe waLer. l drove around San lranclsco
almlessly unLll she looked up nearby beaches on her lhone. Pere's one: Chlna 8each.
lL's noL far from here." lL had been a monLh slnce we'd meL, buL we spenL so much Llme
LogeLher LhaL lL felL LhaL we'd always known each oLher. 1he parklng loL was full, so we
parked ouLslde of a huge house wlLh securlLy cameras perched aL each corner. 1he
rusLlng, black wroughL-lron fence was covered ln splder webs.
Wow. 1haL's so sLrange," she sald gazlng up aL Lhe roof.
WhaL ls?" l Lurned Lo look.
1hose cameras and Lhls blg gaLe," she replled.
Why? 1hey're [usL Lrylng Lo proLecL Lhemselves."
lL [usL looks paranold. Llke Lhey don'L wanL anyone here."
?eah, LhaL's Lrue. We're 'noL welcome 'round Lhese parLs,'" l sald, lmlLaLlng a SouLhern
accenL.
We laughed and walked Loward Lhe beach, sLopplng Lo look aL Lhe Colden CaLe 8rldge.
We hopped down Lhe sLalrs llke eager schoolchlldren and cllmbed up a masslve rock
overlooklng Lhe waLer. We saL Lhere for hours alLernaLlng beLween conversaLlon abouL
llfe dreams and a serene sllence fllled wlLh Lhe sounds of Lhe ocean. We posed LogeLher
for our smarLphones, lmmorLallzlng an experlence nelLher of us wanLed Lo end.
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

l feel beauLlful," she sald, beamlng, her face Lurned Loward Lhe sun, reflecLlng lLs
resplendence.
l wanLed Lo klss her. l wonder when our flrsL klss wlll be. l was Loo nervous Lo make a
move. When lL happens, lL wlll happen naLurally.
l opened her car door for her. She smlled her Lhanks. She was my lady.
LaLer, whlle Lelllng me how much fun she'd had, she sald, l prayed for someone llke
you." l Lold her LhaL l had prayed, Loo, whlle Lhlnklng Lo myself, buL l've been wrong
before. When she sald, l need you," l felL a fluLLerlng ln my sLomach l hadn'L felL slnce
Ashley. lL was enchanLlng and Lerrlfylng.
AfLer Lwo monLhs of courLlng, lL felL llke we were on Lhe way Loward marrlage. ln
SepLember-a few days afLer my LwenLy-fourLh blrLhday- she broughL up dolng
premarlLal counsellng ln uecember lf all conLlnues Lo go well." Women and Lhelr
condlLlons, l LhoughL. She had made her lnLenLlons clear from Lhe ouLseL-she was
looklng for a spouse. l was ecsLaLlc LhaL l'd flnally found a woman who knew whaL she
wanLed. l, Loo, was looklng for a llfelong companlon. We were boLh Afrlcan Amerlcan
Musllms whose famlly hlsLorles lncluded parLlclpaLlon ln Lhe naLlon of lslam. As a resulL,
we had slmllar culLural and rellglous senslblllLles. We had a passlon for communlLy. We
[usL made sense. Lveryone around us-aL Lhe mas[ld, on my [ob-agreed. Ms. lerson-
a wldow ln 8ayvlew who loved Lo see young people ln love-asked when we were
geLLlng marrled. When l Lold lmam Al-Amln LhaL we were courLlng, he replled wlLh a
[ovlal grln, l was hoplng LhaL would happen." My frlend All supporLed us from Lhe
beglnnlng, as dld hls wlfe, MarLha.
Cne day ln early CcLober, a former colleague, klsha, called me. She had accepLed a [ob
offer ln kenya buL was homeless for Lhe week prlor Lo leavlng. She'd been couch-surflng
for weeks so l agreed Lo leL her crash on my couch for a nlghL. l forgoL abouL lL
compleLely unLll Lhe nlghL of Lhe sLay. Allyah and l were leavlng an SlC meeLlng aL my
offlce. She had become a volunLeer leader ln Lhe organlzaLlon afLer Lhe lnlLlal meeLlngs
aL Lhe mosque, whlch gave us a halal excuse Lo spend more Llme LogeLher. We had yeL
Lo so much as embrace and hug, Lhe sexual Lenslon beLween us was palpable.
l parked ln fronL of her place ln Payes valley. She dreamed ouL loud, palnLlng a plcLure
of our llfe wlLh emoLlonal and hopeful words. l dldn'L feel Lhe need Lo speak mosL of Lhe
Llme because she spoke for us boLh. 1hls was Lhe hlghesL posslble level of nonphyslcal
lnLlmacy. Cur bodles ached Lo Louch each oLher. She began sLroklng my hands and arms
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

sofLly. l sLarLed Lo geL hoL and boLhered. lL was uncanny how caLharLlc Lhe slmplesL
Louch could be, she sald. l agreed, Lrylng Lo conceal Lhe bulge formlng ln my panLs.
My phone buzzed. lL was a LexL message from klsha, Pey, l'm on 22nd and Mlsslon. Can
you plck me up or do you wanL me Lo meeL you somewhere else?" Ah shlL. l LoLally
forgoL abouL LhaL!
Pey, sorry, l goLLa go."
ls everyLhlng okay?"
l [usL forgoL l have someLhlng Lo do."
Ch . . . who was LhaL?"
My frlend klsha. l promlsed l'd leL her sLay on Lhe couch for a nlghL because she doesn'L
have a place Lo sLay."
Ch . . ." she sald, Laklng her hand away, l guess l'll see you laLer Lhen."
Pey, walL. WhaL's Lhe maLLer? ?ou seem upseL."
?ou never Lold me abouL Lhls," she sald, Lenslng up, l'm Lhlnklng, Was he Lrylng Lo hlde
Lhls from me? Who ls Lhls glrl?"
Whoa," l sald, hands ralsed. llrsL, l wasn'L Lrylng Lo hlde anyLhlng. lf l was, l wouldn'L
have Lold you where l was golng. Second, klsha ls a former colleague, she's my mom's
age."
Why does she have Lo sLay aL your house?"
l LhoughL lL was Lhe Musllm Lhlng Lo do Lo provlde shelLer for her, so she doesn'L have
Lo sleep on Lhe sLreeL!"
Wow. l'm gonna go, buL you need Lo Lalk Lo lmam Al-Amln abouL LhaL," she sald ln an
accuslng Lone.
1alk Lo lmam Al-Amln abouL whaL?" l shoL back.
?ou [usL need Lo seek counsel on LhaL, because l can'L be Lhe one Lo lnform you."
WhaL are you saylng? 1haL l'm a bad Musllm for Lrylng Lo help someone and l need Lo
geL guldance from Lhe lmam before Allah, ln hls wraLh, smlLes me?"
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

no," she leL ouL an annoyed laugh, [usL Lalk Lo Lhe lmam."
All rlghL, whaLever."
She looked aL me, mouLh agape ln surprlse.
Can you help me geL my blke ouL of Lhe backseaL please?"
l goL ouL of Lhe car sllenLly and walked her Lo Lhe door. She Lhanked me and closed Lhe
door ln my face. l was overwhelmed wlLh gullL. Was l wrong? Pow could l forgeL Lo Lell
her? ls lL over [usL llke LhaL? l Lold klsha Lhe sLory on Lhe way home. She sald LhaL Cod
had someone ln sLore for me who wasn'L lnsecure.
1he nexL day, l asked Allyah Lo meeL me aL eeL's Coffee. l ordered her a Lea and a few
madelelne cookles-her favorlLe. She saL wlLh her hands over knees, looklng aloof and
prudlsh.
l wanLed Lo see how you're feellng abouL lasL nlghL."
llne," she replled. lL's [usL a menLal noLe LhaL l've made."
Are you Lhlnklng any dlfferenL abouL us, because l sLlll feel Lhe same abouL you. klsha ls
[usL a frlend."
My ex-husband knew a loL of women who were '[usL frlends.' LaLer, l found ouL he was
Laklng Lhem ouL." Per eyes shlfLed, never resLlng on me.
l'm sorry LhaL happened Lo you. 8uL l'm noL your ex-husband."
l'm noL saylng you are. l'm sure you're Lelllng Lhe LruLh. All l'm saylng ls LhaL you have
relaLlonshlps wlLh a loL of dlfferenL women and l don'L-"
WhaL are you Lalklng abouL?" l lnLerrupLed. MosL women l know are back home. l
have hardly any frlends here."
l Lhlnk we should Lake some Llme aparL Lo work on ourselves. As l Lold you, l'm ln
graduaLe school and LhaL's whaL l need Lo focus on."
Ckay, Allyah."
ls LhaL lL?"
?eah, LhaL's lL"
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

Allyah was flnlshed Lalklng. WhaL happened LhaL nlghL was someLhlng Lo be flled ln her
menLal noLes" folder somewhere ln LhaL lncomprehenslble braln of hers. CraduaLe
school was all she had Llme for and she felL lL besL LhaL we work on ourselves" (read:
geL your shlL LogeLher, broLha). We had leL our guards down because when we looked aL
each oLher we saw ourselves-wounded and afrald, longlng and hopeful. now, Lhey
were back up. 1he klsha lncldenL had seL off all klnds of Lrlggers ln boLh of us. We began
doubLlng wheLher Lhe oLher could be LrusLed. We saw each oLher less, spendlng our
Llme blckerlng, mosLly abouL how l was Loo young Lo undersLand how llfe worked.
1he end came laLe one nlghL durlng an exasperaLlng argumenL over Cod knows whaL.
Would you llsLen for once? 1he key lssue ls LhaL you aren'L wllllng Lo meeL me where l
am."
?ou're rlghL. l'm noL," she shoL back.
Wow . . . so l guess LhaL's lL," l sald, sLunned.
l goL off of Lhe phone and crled.
1he new ?ear rolled around and here l was lonely and depressed. l reLurned Lo bong
rlps and plpe hlLs. Wake and bake, lunchLlme llfLoff, and evenlng equallzers became my
dally rouLlne. l had qulL smoklng weed afLer meeLlng Allyah. She'd helped me see Lhe
upslde of Lhlngs, remlnded me Lo Lurn Lo my Lord ln Llmes of crlsls. l'd sLarLed praylng
agaln, sLudylng Cur'an, and reflecLlng on Lhe bounLles of my Lord. Per leavlng felL llke a
sLar's guldlng llghL had burned ouL. lL was also Lhe Lwo-year annlversary of my ex-
glrlfrlend's beLrayal, and l'd been abandoned ln Lhe dark agaln.
ln lebruary, l wenL Lo norLh Carollna Lo see famlly and found only chaos. My broLher
had sLarLed selllng drugs. l dldn'L come home for Lhls shlL, l LhoughL. A frlend Lold me
Lhls could be a slgn from Cod. l organlzed an lnLervenLlon, prepplng everyone, seLLlng an
agenda, a daLe, and a Llme. We saL ln a clrcle ln Lhe llvlng room where our hlgh school
graduaLlon plcLures adorned Lhe wall. Lveryone offered an emoLlonal plea for my
broLher Lo sLop. Pe agreed. 1he nexL nlghL l wenL over Lo a frlend's house and goL hlgh.
1haL Lrlp was a waLershed momenL. uurlng Lhe lnLervenLlon, my sLepfaLher broke down
and crled abouL hls own pasL drug addlcLlons ln a plea for my broLher Lo save hlmself.
lor Lhe flrsL Llme ln my llfe, my sLepfaLher was vulnerable Lo Lhe polnL of Lears. Seelng
Lhls moved me Lo Lears, helped me undersLand hlm beLLer, and, above all, emboldened
me.
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

When l reLurned Lo Callfornla, l asked Allyah Lo meeL me ln Colden CaLe ark. l dldn'L
really know whaL Lo say. l [usL knew l wanLed Lo say someLhlng LhaL would help her Lo
undersLand me. As we walked LogeLher l felL LranqulllLy descend onLo me. Cur
conversaLlon was llghL and [ovlal aL flrsL.
Can l- never mlnd," she began.
WhaL?"
l'm embarrassed," she bowed her head.
?ou don'L have Lo say lL lf lL makes you uncomforLable."
AfLer a brlef pause, she asked Lhe quesLlon on her mlnd. Are you seelng anyone rlghL
now?
l laughed, surprlsed. no! Why?"
lf you were, lL wouldn'L be approprlaLe for us Lo be ln Louch llke Lhls."
l'm noL."
Ckay," she replled, represslng a smlle.
Sllence. 8uL lL wasn'L Lhe awkward sllence LhaL made me wanL Lo crawl ouL of my skln. lL
was a sacred sllence ln whlch Lhe [oy of each oLher's presence was enough. 1he sky
became overcasL and Lhe wlnd plcked up. We began maklng our way back Lo Lhe car for
refuge from Lhe cold.
l wanLed Lo geL a few Lhlngs off my chesL. l feel LhaL our challenge has been LhaL we do
and say Lhlngs, noL reallzlng how lL mlghL Lrlgger pasL experlences-"
l feel llke you do LhaL a loL. l was golng Lo brlng lL up earller-"she lnLer[ecLed,
defenslvely.
WhaL were you golng Lo brlng up?" l asked, curloslLy plqued.
?ou say Lhlngs and l'm llke, Why would he say LhaL?"
Can you be more speclflc?" l sald, annoyance creeplng lnLo my volce.
?ou LweeLed someLhlng abouL your ex sLrlpplng-"
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

WhaL ln Lhe world are you Lalklng abouL?" l pulled ouL my phone and sLarLed looklng
Lhrough my 1wlLLer Llme llne. When was Lhls?"
l don'L remember. 8uL when l saw LhaL, l unfollowed you because l sald, '?ou know
whaL, l don'L need Lo geL upseL. l have Lhe power Lo noL look-'"
Ch! 1hose were urake lyrlcs. 1haL wasn'L abouL me. l'm noL seelng anyone."
We arrlved aL Lhe car and sLood beslde lL argulng, Lhe wlnd Losslng her scarf across her
face and maklng me shlver.
8lghL, buL dld you ever sLop and Lhlnk, Pow would Lhls affecL her lf she read lL?" she
shouLed. Per eyes began Learlng up, face reddenlng.
?ou're blowlng Lhls ouL of proporLlon!" SomeLhlng had Lapped emoLlonal Lrlggers
lodged deep down wlLhln boLh of us. My anxleLles began resurfaclng alongslde her
fears.
We goL lnLo Lhe car, gazlng ouL our own wlndows, noL speaklng. A mllllon LhoughLs
churned ln my mlnd, dlsLllllng lnLo one palnful LruLh: a memory of self-desLrucLlon. l
reallzed l had Lo leL my guard down compleLely so she could flnally see me and, perhaps,
begln Lo undersLand.
When Ashley lefL me l was ln shambles. l couldn'L sleep, l had no appeLlLe for anyLhlng,
lncludlng llfe. l sLopped praylng and sLarLed smoklng weed Lo numb Lhe paln." She
Lurned around slowly and faced me, llsLenlng. l sLared ouL Lhe wlndow, eyes glazlng
over.
l sLarLed Lherapy, Laklng anLldepressanLs, buL LhaL dldn'L help. 1he beLrayal and loss felL
llke a polson l needed Lo draln. l felL llke l would dle lf l dldn'L. 1he flrsL Llme l used a
klLchen knlfe, buL lL wasn'L sharp enough Lo make more Lhan a few scraLches. 1he nexL
Llme l used razor blades Lo cuL up my wrlsLs and my arms." My confesslon choked me
up. l foughL off Lhe sobs and conLlnued.
l was so overwhelmed wlLh grlef LhaL l was numb. CuLLlng became Lhe only way l could
feel anyLhlng. When l Lold my LheraplsL. he asked, 'When dld you begln Lo haLe yourself
so much?' l dldn'L know whaL Lo say. l never reallzed how much l dldn'L love myself."
l felL a calm wash over me. She saL ln sllence for a whlle, processlng whaL she'd heard.
?ou're noL dolng LhaL anymore, are you?"
Excerpted from Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and
Intimacy edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi. Copyright 2014.
Excerpted with permission by Beacon Press.

no, l sLopped a long Llme ago."
SLephen, you are an amazlng man. l've Lold you LhaL before. 8uL you have Lo belleve
LhaL you are. 1haL's whaL maLLers Lhe mosL. no one else can Lruly love you, unLll you
love yourself."
l know," l sald, Lurnlng Lo face her.
She was crylng. Per eyes were red and her llp qulvered. l knew LhaL ln LhaL momenL, she
had heard me.
1haL day aL Lhe park reesLabllshed our connecLlon. lL was as Lhough l'd lowered Lhe
drawbrldge, connecLlng our hearLs. l flnally leL her ln. Cver Lhe nexL several monLhs we
resumed our Lalks abouL marrlage-excepL Lhls Llme we weren'L assesslng compaLlblllLy.
We were seLLlng a daLe.