The Third Rainbow Girl Part One

By Emma Copley Eisenberg Liz gathered her hair into her cap and spat again onto a spot of floodlit asphalt trying to get the slightly salty carsick taste out of her mouth and shake off the feeling of failure that choosing a bad ride gave her. In Barstow, shed chosen a new-looking black olkswagen sedan containing two chatty newlyweds who were going to the !rand "anyon and could take her as far as #lagstaff, but after the wife realized shed forgotten her curling iron and insisted on going back for it, they had deposited Liz at this dinky filling station in $ewberry %prings without so much as a sorry. &ou can get a ride from here, right' %ure, Liz had said. %ure. It wasnt so much about time as it was about miles. (pples letter had only reached her the day before on her friends wrought-iron balcony in %an #rancisco, where she had sat in the sun grinding coffee from the good grocery store with a hand grinder. But Liz took a certain pride in each ride being worth a certain amount of miles, ideally not less than three hundred, and to end up here, )ust twenty miles east of where the couple had picked her up, was unacceptable. Liz sat down on the curb in front of the entrance to the filling stations store. *uly, but it got cold at night in the desert, and the sweat that had collected underneath the mass of her hair in her cap and run down the front of her short-sleeved mens undershirt was drying now and making her shiver. %he was hungry. +er friend in %an #rancisco had a hand coffee grinder but no food and no washing machine, and theyd spent most of the twenty-eight days Liz was there drinking coffee and eating cheese cubes at photography openings on +aight %treet for people they only sort of knew. In the abstract sense, Liz had plenty of money, but it was money that she couldnt touch unless a man in a too-tight suit in ,assachusetts said she could, and even then, to get it took advance planning, took phone calls and decision-making about whether to keep "oca-"ola or sell +ammertown Leather !oods, -uestions about which Liz cared not at all. .ften, she genuinely forgot the money was there. Im tired, she thought, noticing that this feeling was happening more and more, a real sluggishness in her, right down to the bone. +er first ride, from a truck stop )ust outside .akland, to Barstow, had been good, four hundred and three miles, but the trucker had gotten tired and stopped for a nap. %hed offered to drive for a while / had done it before, once outside %an (ntonio for a driver whod added too much gin to his )uice and was afraid his company would give him the a0e, and again on her way from ,ontreal to her grandmothers funeral in Bridgeport 1which shed missed anyway2 but this trucker )ust scoffed and told her, $ot in this life. .n the curb in $ewberry %prings, Liz watched the off ramp from I-34. +er only chance was a sloppy trucker whod been too lazy or forgetful or bold to stop in Barstow but who had come around to realize that this filling station was the last thing before the ,o)ave. .r a lost car whod meant to go on 56 to egas, and would stop at the filling station to turn around and head back west, in which case she could go back to Barstow and try again. *ust then, beyond the illuminated pumps, she saw the glint of the silver head of an eighteen-wheeler that was slowly inching forward in the darkness of the parking lot. 7he truck came to a slow stop, then the cab door opened and the cab light went on. 7he driver hopped down, leaving the light on, the door open, and the engine idling. +es green, Liz thought. 7he driver strode towards where she sat on the curb, and he looked at her, the way a younger man looks

at an older woman, a little desiring, a little afraid, and then went into the store. +e was really young, maybe eighteen. Liz took her cap off and let her long hair tumble down, put a hand in her hair at the crown and loosened it a bit. %he stood, lifted her pack, and walked over to where the truck was idling. #rom the way the tires were riding, she could tell the boy was on a 8eadhead trip, that he wouldnt be in a hurry. +ey, said the boy, frowning, when he came out of the store and saw her leaning against the container. &oure on a 8eadhead trip, said Liz. %o' said the boy. %o maybe you want some company. 9here you headed' 9here are you headed' asked the boy, hoisting up his bag of soda and chips against his small chest. I asked you first, said Liz. (lbu-uer-ue. 7hats right on my way. Ill be no trouble at all. I dont know. 7he company says not to. Liz told him a story, about a man on a 8eadhead trip, heading back after dropping off a load of refrigerators, whod picked up a hitchhiker and found true love. &oure saying youre my true love' 7he boy was smiling a little. Liz knew she was pretty. %he was tall and thinner than shed ever been from her diet of coffee and cheese cubes. %he tossed her hair over her shoulder. In the backlighting, the boy saw now, the edges of her hair glowing. ,an, she said to the boy, youre )ust gonna have to give me a ride and find out. 7he boy drove through the night and Liz talked. %he talked about all the places shed been. %he told the boy about .ld #aithful and $ashville and Bourbon %treet. 7he boy said hed never seen any of those things, but had she hitched on :4 before' 7he way, if you drive the stretch from +ays, ;ansas, into 8enver at sunset, it looks like youre driving straight into the sun because the sky is so wide' %he had, last year, and got silent at the memory. %he was an <ast "oast kid, and when youre an <ast "oast kid, and cross, at twenty-four, into the 9est, its not a thing that will ever leave you. = = = *enny drew back the light curtains and looked out the window onto the -uiet cul de sac. *enny was worried that when Liz arrived, things would change between her and (pple. 7hey had been a kind of family, )ust *enny and (pple in (pples small ranch house filled with light and cacti. 7hen (pples boyfriend !reg had dumped her. (pple had spent three days at home in her scrubs and then written to Liz, who was a drifter and a free spirit and whose name *enny had heard many times before from her older sisters stories of sharing an apartment with (pple and Liz while the three of them were students at the >niversity of Iowa. *enny was from %taten Island, grew up Irish, watching the %tatue of Liberty from the ferry. %he had left a big public university in upstate $ew &ork after a semester. +er apartment had been small and cold and a professor had written, in the margin of her research paper on ?resident "arter, this paper is exhaustive and exhausting. %hed caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror, in the bathroom at a party, while a boy kissed the side of her neck, and shed told herself, go. *ennys sister told her that (pple was living in %edona, and that despite the fact that she worked at an old folks home, (pple was @an

adventure.A *enny had an image in her mind of the %outhwest. %he was thinking of #rida ;ahlo. %he was thinking of the women who sold silver bracelets at the craft fairs in upstate $ew &ork, their arms heavy with tur-uoise. %he wrote to (pple over 7hanksgiving, and by $ew &ears <ve she was packed. 9hat she couldnt carry, she put on the curb, e0cept for her typewriter which she spent her last dollars to ship. (s 5B:B became 5BC4, *enny lurched forward on a !reyhound bus. %he wrote in her )ournal for a while, then turned her overhead light off and watched the road, watching the state welcome signs fall one after another like a deck of cards. *enny and (pple had planted a garden in the back of (pples houseD tomatoes, corn, s-uash that never came up, lettuce. 7hey had watched movies on (pples "E, a gift from !reg, and documentaries about self-sufficient living and interviews with couples who had gone back to the land. 7hey had read ,other <arth $ews together. *enny had gotten a )ob at an organic grocery store and brought home the slightly bruised fruits and day-old pastries. 7hey had dabbled in canning and pickling, trying to apply the skills theyd learned from a preservation class at the local community center, and brought food to an old lady at the back of their cul de sac in e0change for bread making lessons. (t night, in front of a fire, one would read out loud and the other would knit and then they would switch. *enny would read ,ary .liver and 9endell Berry to (pple, and (pple tried to picture all those different kinds of bird F a "anadian goose, a blue heron F but couldnt get the sandpipers of the Iowa prairies from childhood bird watching trips out of her mind. #rom the suburbs of Iowa "ity, (pple had moved into the city proper where she was supposedly studying (nthropology, but was actually following flyers to meetings of the 9omens Liberation #ront and a group of activists coordinating actions for the >nited #arm 9orkers. %hed taken the long way through school, eventually dropping out and supporting herself by cutting hair, then finally re-enrolling, and being assigned Liz and *ennys sister as suitemates. %hed been a )unkie the whole time she was in Iowa "ity. +eroin took (pple somewhere where she could go and shut the door against all the things that could not, would not, change. Liz had sometimes gotten high with her, but Liz could brush her knees off and go for a run or go to class and leave the drugs behind. (pple could not do a thing halfway, and long after Liz and *ennys sister had moved on to start their lives, (pple stayed behind in Iowa "ity, to attend consciousness raising groups and shoot heroin. ( year ago her grandmother had died and when, at the funeral, the lawyer read off that the old woman had left her house in %edona to (pple, she cried, not from the loss of her grandmother, but out of gratitude. %edona, she thought. %edona. (pple liked the idea of playing host to her friends kid sister, liked watching *enny paw through her tapes, liked stirring tomato sauce as *enny played and rewound the same *anis *oplin song again and again or came in raving about how shed discovered the 7e0-,e0 restaurant in the center of town where (pple been buying breakfast burritos for years on her way to work. (pple felt at once, beyond *enny, and behind her, constantly playing catch up with the breakneck speed at which the wheels in *ennys brain seemed to crank. (pple told *enny that her days of being an adventure were behind her, but sometimes on the evenings before she had to work the night shift at the nursing home, she would call up a man who would come over in a green van and trade her amphetamines for cuttings of her cacti. $o use waiting for Liz like that, said (pple, watering the cacti with a small tin watering can. %he )ust shows up when she wants to. But *enny didnt move from the window. (pple put down the watering can. Let me do your hair, she said. I invited the gang over for music night. *enny always wore her hair in two thick brown braids, but she let (pple wash it, comb it out, and rebraid it into one enormous #rench braid on the screened-in porch while the sun went behind the red cliffs. (pples sandy brown hair was chopped short as a boys.

.n music nights, (pples friends, mostly aging hippies whod retired to %edona and a few of her coworkers from the nursing home, would come over to play folk songs. 7he leader was a forty-ish man named .tto who was in a band that sometimes played restaurants and hotels around %edona. .tto and (pple and the others played guitars and harmonicas, sometimes a bongo or a tambourine. 7hey played ?eter, ?aul and ,ary, Bob 8ylan, $eil &oung, and always, always 7he Band. .n these nights, *enny was happy. %he liked to sit in the circle with everyone else who was playing music, even though she didnt play any instrument. 7hat night, .tto told the group about how his dad had taught him how to play guitar. (n idea bloomed before *ennys eyes. It was the idea that talent could be passed down. It was the idea of being proud of doing the same thing as those that had come before you. *ennys mother was a secretary at an accounting firm. %he didnt have any hobbies. 9hen she came home from work, before coming into the kitchen, she had often sat, for five or ten minutes in a big wooden chair in their hallway, with her coat and scarf still on. (fter theyd drunk lots of red wine and smoked lots of dope, *enny went up to the loft where she slept and listened to them play. 7hey played @I %hall Be EeleasedA and *enny looked out the skylight at the wide (rizona sky. *enny harbored certain opinions, unpopular with (pple and her friends below, about (merica. (fter high school, she had tried to enlist in the (rmy, but was denied because of a childhood accident with a slingshot that left her legally blind in her left eye. Below her they sang, Id ring out 8angerG Id ring out 9arningG Id ring out love between my brothers and my sisters all over this land. #rom between the hard covers of her notebook, *enny took out the pamphlet for the Eainbow #amily !athering that an older family friend of hers from home had sent her shortly after she had moved to %edona. 7he friends name was $ina 8aniels and shed left %taten Island to volunteer in a new government antipoverty program. Its called I%7(, $ina had said when theyd seen each other over holidays. Like a big view. But $ina had stuck around after doing two years of big views, and hooked up with other transplanted young people to form a commune. $ina had enclosed the pamphlet and a picture of herself with a tall bearded husband and a newborn baby girl, leaning against a wood platform, along with a noteH 7his is right near where our commune is. ( peace festival in the woodsG Itll be a blastG *enny had never been to 9est irginia, but until recently, shed never been to (rizona either. 7he words 9<L".,< +.,< were scrawled across the top of the pamphlet in big orange block letters. Below that, was an e0cerpt from a hippie book she remembered kids at college reading, that said Let me remind you who you really are. Youre an Immortal Freedom Lover in service to Divine Love. 7he pamphlet showed a diagram of the ,onongahela $ational #orest and some different routes people could take to get there. .n the back cover was scrawled, May you always be all ways free. 7he !athering was soon, )ust a month away now, in late *une. But *enny didnt wanted to shake things up, had been happy and comfortable in %edona with (pple. ?lus she was broke, had spent all her savings on the bus ticket from $ew &ork. %he put the pamphlet back in her notebook. 9hen *enny woke up, she heard (pple clearing dishes and beer bottles and then she heard her stop, with a clatter, and slide open the glass front door. *enny looked down from the loft and saw a tall blonde woman whose hair was tied up in a bandana and who was toting a big green backpack hug (pple and say, I love you, but first things first. *enny took in a breath of sadness, at all the shared history between these hugging women, all the things that Liz knew about (pple that she would never know. 7hen she climbed down the ladder. (fter Liz had showered and put the contents of her backpack and the backpack itself in the wash, the

three women drove to %edonas only all-night diner. Liz slid into the near side of the booth, and *enny into the far side. *enny was sure (pple would choose Liz, but to her surprise, (pple walked the e0tra steps and took the seat ne0t to *enny without hesitating. Liz drew her arms up and rested them confidently on the vinyl booth as if putting them around two invisible people, and slouched down, letting her legs slide apart. I cant believe youre still hitching, said (pple. (rent you scared' Its not like that, Liz said. Its not like some movie where the hitchhiker dies. Its )ust people, )ust people traveling around, )ust like you. <ither they pick you up or they dont. Besides, Liz said, taking a sip of coffee, the universe is fundamentally friendly. It will always take you e0actly where you need to go, e0actly when you need to get there. (pple laughed. .h, right. 9hats that, some psycho-babble' "all it what you want, said Liz, but I got your letter in %an #rancisco yesterday, and here I am today. <ight hundred miles. 7wo rides. %he toasted (pple with her cup of black coffee. 9ell, (pple said. I wouldnt know how to do it. I wouldnt know how to begin. 8o you really stick your thumb out' 9hile they caught up about the years since college and talked about which friends had moved where and which had stayed in Iowa "ity, *enny studied a middle-aged man in a nearby booth who looked like he might be a trucker. It was nearly two in the morning, and he and Liz were the only people in the place drinking coffee. +e had a pudgy face with big, visible pores, and a slightly droopy mustache. .n the table in front of him, he had placed a small black transistor radio. 7he way he leaned over it, bringing his ear down very close to the radio but not touching it reminded *enny of her father who was the manager at an electronics factory that made radios. Last spring when *enny had graduated high school and was trying to decide what she would do, she occasionally tried to ask her father -uestions as he puttered around the house in his socks after work. +ow many of the states have you been in out of fifty, not including layovers or drive-throughs' 9hat 1if any2 is the difference between a buffalo and a bison' 9hy does a mandolin have eight strings, if it can make only four notes' But her father would )ust turn on the radio, press his ear close to it, and say, lets find out, as if all the answers to lifes -uestions would be found there, eventually. = = = 7he three women got into (pples green "adillac, flat and wide as a boat, which had also been the grandmothers, and which wheezed when (pple stepped on the accelerator. 9ith the windows rolled up, Liz felt a deep sense of contentment. %hed been in %an #rancisco that morning and now she was in %edona. %he thought of the boy trucker whod driven her all the way into %edona and dropped her off )ust a mile from (pples house. &ou guys should come hitching with me when I leave, Liz said, into the dark car. .kay, said *enny, from the backseat, so -uickly she surprised even herself. (pple kept her eyes straight on the road. It was so late, she realized. 7here was not another car on the road, and when she turned in at the entrance to their development, every single light was off. <veryone else, every sane person, is at home asleep, (pple thought, and she was suddenly angry with Liz for busting open their -uiet routine, and with *enny, for being so willing to abandon it. Inside, (pple switched on a single lamp in the living room. (s (pple and Liz got ready for bed, *enny climbed to her loft bed and retrieved the pamphlet about the

!athering in 9est irginia. %he laid it on the coffee table and sat on the plastic covered sofa, looking at it. Liz came over and leaned over the back of the sofa to look too. +uh, Liz said. Ive heard those Eainbow !atherings are a lot of fun. Ive never been to 9est irginia. If you dont count drive-throughs. I dont, said *enny. Liz took the pamphlet and gave it to (pple. "ould be )ust what you need, said Liz. I dont need anything, said (pple, but she held the pamphlet in her hand, and turned it over, reading the back. ,ay you always be all ways free. = = = In the morning, in the sun room, Liz and *enny studied Lizs truckers atlas. (pple stood at the sink doing dishes, watching them through the pass-through. Liz told *enny how the odd highways go northsouth and the even ones go east-west. 7hen she told *enny about the best places to stand, what to wear, and gave her different points of view on the -uestion of sign or no sign. But really, women hitchhiking cross country, said Liz, I dont think well have any problems getting a ride. (pple turned the water off and wiped her hands on her )eans. %he got a pack of cigarettes from under one of her larger potted cacti, took one out, and leaned over the stove, lighting the cigarette on the front burner. %hit, said Liz. $ow its serious. (pple shrugged. #or someone whos not interested, you sure seem interested, said Liz. <ven if I was, I could never get the time off from work, (pple said. +ow long are we talking anyway' Liz took the cigarette from (pple and took a long drag. *enny studied the map. Its )ust over two thousand miles, said *enny, from here to where the !athering will be. #igure four days to get there, )ust to be on the safe side, said Liz, giving the cigarette back to (pple, a week there, maybe more, four days back for you guys. 7hree weeks' *enny and Liz looked at (pple, who was leaning against a wall, smoking. (pple was twenty-seven, which was starting to feel like it might as well be thirty. %he basically liked her )ob at the nursing home. 7here was a resident called 7iny who was very large and who would talk only to her, telling her each day the same story of how he and his brother had built a log cabin with their own two hands, how it was the thing he was most proud of in the world. 7he other nurses had dark senses of humor like hers, and when the residents were hateful or spiteful or messy, there was whiskey in paper cones to take the edge off. But there was also the snotty doctor from 7ucson who talked to her like she was a child, always telling her she was doing the wrong thing. 7here was also the break room, painted salmon, )ust a white collapsible table and a sink full of perpetually dirty coffee mugs with words like "isplamin and (ctpran printed on them and dirty spoons all with the same dark drop of coffee pooled in the head. (nd there was !reg, whod told her there was no inch of her body that wasnt like divine worship, and then asked for his "E back.

Ive never seen the ocean, said (pple. "ould we go to the ocean first' 8efinitely, said Liz. 9e can go anywhere you want. .kay, said (pple, her body buzzing from the nicotine. .kay. 7he planning began. (t the grocery store, *enny slowly stockpiled dried fruit and nuts as per Lizs instructions for their road food. 7he director of the nursing home told (pple that it was a long time to ask off, but that if she was serious about her future there 1she was2 then her )ob would probably still be there when she got back. (t night, Liz became part of their nightly ritual. %he didnt know how to knit, but shed close her eyes and listen or stoke the fire. 9hen it was her turn to read, she read better than either *enny or (pple, deep and steady, and so over the several weeks it took them to prepare for the trip, Liz did most of the reading aloud. 7he night before they left, they propped up their packs in the mudroom, three in a line. *ennys was the biggest by a landslide. (pple got drunk on wine and called !reg. +e came over, and while they were in (pples bedroom, *enny and Liz sat in the living room by the fire. $either of them felt like reading aloud. (re you e0cited about going back east' asked *enny. (pple told me you were from ,assachusetts. $ot really, said Liz. But Im e0cited about being in the woods. +ow long have you been on the road' Lets see. 7hree years' Liz thought about it. It was three years, almost to the day, she realized, since shed driven from Iowa "ity, college diploma in hand, to ,assachusetts !eneral to watch her mother die of lung cancer, then driven directly back to Iowa "ity, shot heroin with (pple, cleaned out the apartment she shared with (pple and *ennys sister, and sold her car, a new, silver B,9 sedan. It was all that driving that taught her about roads, about traffic, about how to flow with things in motion. It was all that driving by herself at night that made the knowledge that she was twenty-one years old and her mother was dead seem like a thing that could be passed through, that could be survived. .n the way there, she thought, Im in Illinois and my mother is dying. Im in Indiana and my mother is dying. Im in .hio and my mother is dying. .n the way back, she thought, as long as I am in a place Ive never been before, it will be like being where my mother is. %he took a long way home. In 9est irginia, she thought, Im in 9est irginia, and my mother has died. Im in ;entucky and my mother has died. Im in ,issouri and my mother has died. 9hen she reached the edge of Iowa "ity, and started to pass familiar places / her grocery store, her friends houses / her skin began to burn. &es, all that driving alone had been the thing that had lifted the curtain and revealed to her that she could hitchhike. (nd you havent stayed anywhere longer than a month' asked *enny. 7hats right. (nd nothing bad has ever happened to you' Liz smiled. $ot from hitching. *enny thought about telling Liz that she was thinking about not coming back to %edona. 7he week before shed sold her typewriter and given her record collection and her only pair of high-heeled shoes to the new girl at the grocery store. 7hen shed crammed her pack full of everything else she owned. %hed written back to her high school friend who lived on the commune near the !athering, farming and living simply off the land. (fter the !athering, she intended to stay and see what she could see.

7hey sat there in silence and watched the fire and *enny turned and looked at Liz, this woman with muscled arms, who was only five years her senior. Liz sighed, looked at (pples closed door, looked back at *enny and said, weve got to do something about the size of your pack. = = = It was early but hot already and they walked the mile or so from (pples house to the shopping plaza where there was the all night diner plus a big gas station. 9atch and learn, Liz said, and (pple rolled her eyes but followed Liz to a flat stretch of road with a wide shoulder right before the turn to get on CB $orth which would take them to I-34. +ang back a little, Liz gestured to (pple and *enny, and they stepped off the asphalt shoulder and stood in the shade of an (sh tree. $o talking unless they talk to you first, no personal details, no telling them where were headed, keep your pack in your lap, never in the trunk. Liz barked loudly, not looking in their direction. Liz held a small cardboard sign that )ust said <(%7 in big, black %harpie letters. ( maroon Buick slowed and stopped, driven by an older man with hair long as 9illie $elsons. +ey, the man said. I can take you as far as 9illiams, and Liz said, !reat, Im on my way back east to work for "arter, and the man said, Eight on, and Liz said, 7hing is, hanging her head through the passenger side window now, Im traveling with my two compadres here, and I promised them wed stick together. 7here was 9illie $elson music and lots of conversation about "arter and how the !rand "anyon can cure anything that ails you. *enny and (pple each cracked a smile. 9illiams, (rizona. %i0ty-three miles. (n hour spent choosing, several passenger cars turned down for insufficient mileage potential. (pple ob)ected to the re)ection of two young men going back to school at >$,. 7hen, a winner, approached while filling. I know its not company practice, sir, but Im traveling with my two sisters here, and I promised our mother wed stick together. ,iddle-aged trucker named +enry who called his rig +eavenly Betsy. 7urns were taken between playing rummy in the sleeper and talking to +enry about his own daughters, aged fifteen and eighteen, both of whom wanted to grow up to be rodeo stars, though +enry would prefer them to be teachers. 7wo stops for peeing and one for the night in (lbu-uer-ue. +enry ate ,c8onalds while the women sat outside and ate dried fruit and nuts. 8ebate over whether to trust +enry to not mess with them while sleeping. !uarantee of being taken to (marillo in the morning proved decisive. +enry snored and slept in the drivers seat, while *enny was awake the whole night with the adrenaline of changing her life. In the morning, the wide west 7e0as sky cut the world in half. (marillo, 7e0as. %i0 hundred forty-one miles. (pple insisted on showering at the truck stop. In the mirror looked up and saw another woman with short hair. *uliet was traveling with her boyfriend. 7hey really were headed to 8.". to work for "arter. $ames were e0changed all around, a ride to the boyfriends camp in the .zarks was offered in the couples olvo station wagon. (t the camp, (pple and *uliet talked about the politics of leather )ackets, *enny wrote in her )ournal, and Liz built the fire, log cabin style, her favorite thing. In the morning, everyone was in good spirits. *uliet and her boyfriend let the women out at a 9affle +ouse, then changed their minds and rushed in )ust in time to order. +ash browns for all. ,emphis, 7ennessee. %even hundred twenty-four miles. It was raining in ,emphis, and the women huddled under the 9affle +ouse awning for several hours, taking turns as the spokeswoman. (pple gave a father and son in a ,ercedes a big smile, but in the end, it was *enny who reeled in a middle-aged woman in a "hevy minivan. #or gosh sakes, girls, get in the car, she said, chucking a twelve-pack of toilet paper in the way back, then complaining all the way to #lorence about the stains their boots were making on the floor mats. &ou girls are as bad as my husband and his friends, she said, for shame, and let them out, to Lizs dismay, in front of a department store in downtown #lorence with instructions to, make yourselves presentableG .ne hundred fifty-five

miles. 7hey walked to the gas station in the middle of town, Liz spluttering obscenities. Liz was firm, taking the lead on the ne0t ride, Birmingham or bust. If youll fit, Ill take you, said a big woman in a 8odge king cab truck. 8eb was chatty and (pple told her about the minivan womans directive, and before long *enny peed her )eans laughing. 8eb turned up her *anis *oplin tape and they took turns doing impressions. Liz won, and when they got to her house, 8eb offered Liz her couch in the small house that 8eb shared with her sister, while (pple and *enny set up the tent in 8ebs yard. (pple and *enny wanted to go e0plore, felt on fire with seeing such an important site in the civil rights movement. Liz shrugged, but went along anyway, so 8eb dropped them all off at ;elly ?ark, which they e0plored, then walked to the 5Ith %treet Baptist "hurch. (pple led the charge towards a nearby diner, where they all sat and drank milkshakes. 7heres only white people in here, said (pple, loudly, and then left a lousy tip. Liz gave the couch to (pple who stayed up with 8eb to talk about in)ustice. *enny and Liz slept, spooning, ne0t to the tent, under a foggy, moonless sky. Birmingham, (labama. .ne hundred seventeen miles. 7hey had their pick of truckers to approach at the filling station on the eastbound side of I-J4 where 8eb dropped them off with a fake salute. Liz was freshly showered, but none of the truckers seemed to want the trouble. 7hen she spotted one with a big )eweled cross hanging from the rearview who looked like he was dressed for %unday church. &ou a "hristian' asked the trucker, straightening a framed portrait of the irgin ,ary on the wall of the cab. %ure, said Liz. Liz walked back to the curb where (pple and *enny were sitting. &ou said you wanted to see the ocean, Liz said. +ow about %outh "arolina' (pple and *enny s-uealed with delight. 7he (" was broken and the trucker -uoted scripture the whole way. *enny stayed in the front seat the entire ride, because she was the most tolerant, the only one who could listen to the scripture without being rude, and Liz and (pple stifled laughs from the back. 7he trucker wouldnt stop, not to eat, not to pee. (pple passed out briefly from the heat. 9hen he pulled off for gas, they slammed the door behind them, forgetting to say thank you. "harleston, %outh "arolina. #our hundred forty-eight miles. Lets )ust get in the ne0t car that will take us, said (pple. 7hree college kids, two boys and a girl in a ?athfinder, *enny and Liz rode in the back. #olly Beach, %outh "arolina. 7welve miles. *enny watched (pples face as they walked the boardwalk and then the sand path to the ocean. +ow would it have been different, to be from a landlocked place' thought *enny. +ow would it have been different to be from a place where you could see the ocean' thought (pple. Im in %outh "arolina, thought Liz, and my mother will always be dead. #or three days, they ate king crab and shared platters of shrimp cocktail and camped on the beach. 7hey pooled their money and bought peanut butter and )elly and bread in the local supermarket, wearing only their bathing suits, because Liz had said towels took up too much room in their packs. .n the third night, they got out the truckers atlas. Its time to go, isnt it, Lizzie' said (pple, munching on a peanut butter and )elly sandwich. #raid so, said Liz. 7he !athering starts tomorrow. Im e0cited, said (pple. ,aybe Ill meet someone there, get !reg out of my mind. Liz scoffed. +ippie guys are the worst boyfriends. Like youre one to talk, said (pple. %hall we recall, what was his name' ,oonbeamG that you met in ,ontana and spent all of freshman year fucking' <0actly, said Liz.

= = = Back in "harleston, after a serendipitous ride from the same college kids in the same ?athfinder, Liz went into a gas station store and bought a "oke. (s she walked back to re)oin her friends in the parking lot, bringing the cold bottle to her lips and letting the bubbly metal li-uid hit her teeth, she saw *enny and (pple in the parking lot, packs on their backs, talking to a young woman who leaned against the round nose of a sky blue olkswagen beetle. 7he woman driver looked to be about Lizs age, had red curly hair piled on top of her head, and wore a flowered country dress with spaghetti straps. %he held a hand out to Liz, limp, and palm facing the ground, as if Liz were supposed to kiss it. Liz shook her polished fingertips awkwardly, and the woman smiled and shook a strand of curly hair out of her eyes. 7inas headed to ?hiladelphia, (pple said, but says she can take us as far as Eichmond. +a, ha, 7ina laughed, for no apparent reason, and swatted the air for flies. (pple looked e0pectantly at Liz, and when Liz made no answer, (pple got into the front passenger seat, and *enny followed, taking the back seat behind the driver. Liz got in behind (pple, the "oke sweating big water droplets onto her shorts. 7ina was a grad student back from a research trip she said, and she chatted to them about the books she was reading, in-uired after where theyd all gone to college. (fter a while, 7ina said, Its sweet, how you girls are traveling together. 7hen suddenly, 7ina merged into the left lane without signaling. .ut of her blurry left eye, *enny could see that the left side of the interstate overlooked a steep cliff, and that there was barely any shoulder. In fact, said 7ina, its like youre a little sisterhood. &eah, said (pple, twisting around with her shoulders to smile at Liz and *enny. I was in a sorority, said 7ina, when I was an undergraduate. I miss it so much. %ometimes I think I dont have anything to look forward to that will ever be so good again. 7ina sighed and put her right hand in her hair, scratching her scalp, then let her hand fall and come to rest in the center console between her and (pple. Its such a nice day, 7ina said, and then she put her hand on (pples bare left knee. (t first, (pple stayed perfectly still, )ust looked at 7inas small hand, confused, as if she were looking at a strange but essentially harmless spider. ,y sweethearts, said 7ina. ,y dear hearts. ,y larks. 7hank you, (pple said, the only thing she could think to say. %he s-ueezed 7inas hand a little then moved her knee away and 7inas hand returned into the center console. Liz fished in her pack for the mace, and sat straight up in her seat, ready to spring forward. $ow, now, 7ina said, its me that is doing you girls a favor, and then her hand was diving back towards (pples lap. In one movement, Liz grabbed 7inas forearm with her right hand and used her left hand to hold a can of mace to 7inas eyes, not pulling the trigger. !o ahead, said 7ina, stony faced, studying the road ahead, only her left hand holding the wheel. Ill kill us all. I dont care about dying. ?ull over the car, Liz said. Liz kept the can of mace to 7inas eyes. +mm, said 7ina, clucking her tongue. 7he 7hree ,usketeers, she laughed. 9hat a )okeG +ow long can you girls keep on hitchhiking' &oull need me, if you want to make this a real adventure.

I dont think so, Liz said. 7ina considered this for a second only, then )erked the wheel suddenly and sharply to the right, lurching the car into the right lane and then onto the right-hand road shoulder. 7he noise was astonishing then, the sound of tires on rumble strips blotted out fear, blotted out pain, so that when 7ina )erked the wheel slightly left, screeching the car back into the right lane of traffic and (pple and Liz slammed their heads against their windows and *enny ended up with her head in Lizs lap like a child before bedtime, the only thing they registered was gratitude that the car was once again filled with silence. In the air, Liz lost her grip on 7inas right arm. 7ina had resumed using it to drive, tapping the polished fingernails of both hands on the black leather wheel. 7he can of mace had also dropped to the ground. Liz leaned down slowly to retrieve it, then held the cold metal can in her hand and looked at it. 7he car hummed along. Liz wet her lips with her tongue. ?ull over the goddamned car, she said, croaking like a teenaged boy. I dont know, said 7ina. I want to go where you girls are going. 7ina glanced in the rearview mirror, meeting Lizs eyes, then, keeping her gaze there, she stretched her right hand out and caressed (pples face with the back of her hand, then her arm hanging slack, dragged her knuckles down (pples neck and left breast, then stopped at (pples thigh. (pple was breathing heavily, as if shed )ust e0ercised. *enny felt it as 7ina pushed her foot to the pedal and accelerated. In her mind, *enny remembered and re-wrote the words from the pamphlet, Let me remind you who you really are. Youre an Immortal Freedom Lover in service to Divine Love. *enny tried to make her mind into a warm white balloon, cozy and airy at once. %he tried to love this woman, 7ina. &ou can come if you want to, said *enny. 9ere on a great trip. 9ere going to a party in the woods. 7here will be music and good people. 7ina sighed, and took her hand from (pples thigh. &es, 7ina said. .h, yes. Liz looked at the speedometerD they were going a little under seventy. If she could get 7ina to slow down somehow, and they could roll out. %hed never done it, never had to before, but thought, its possible. It has to be. 7he one bad thing will be the food, *enny went on. It will be all hippie food, salad and such. %ure it might be good for you, but this is probably our last chance to eat something really delicious before we get there. 7ina looked at *enny in the rearview, but *enny looked out her window. 9ell, 7ina said. I am hungry. Liz and (pple sat perfectly still. $o one said anything, as an e0it sign appeared, and then receded. But then 7ina was signaling right, and e0iting. Liz put her right hand on (pples shoulder, and her left hand took *ennys hand. 7hey cleared the e0it ramp, and up ahead Liz saw the light at the bottom of the ramp turn yellow, and beyond the light, the floating sign of a %hell station, high in the sky like a sun. Liz gripped (pple and *enny hard, and all three held their pack straps in their hands. 7he light turned red and 7ina braked hard and Liz yelled, !., and the three of them slammed against the doors, fell out of the car onto the hot blacktop, and ran. (pple lay down on a small patch of grass outside the %hell station, while *enny and Liz stayed standing, catching their breath. (fter a minute, Liz got down on her knees ne0t to (pple.

(pple, she said. #uck. (pple breathed in and covered her eyes with her palms. &ou. Liz looked up at *enny. (pple took her palms off her eyes and looked at the clouds moving fast over the sky. &ou talk us into doing this like its no big deal, like its some big fun adventure, (pple said. Liz took (pples hand between her two hands, and they looked at each other. Im not having fun, (pple said. *enny felt she had turned a corner and walked into a room where she didnt belong. ( private dressing room maybe, where pretty girls were dressing. %he felt )ealous again, for a moment, then she breathed the )ealousy out, and it was gone. *enny turned back towards the interstate, watched as truck after truck e0ited, then turned away from the gas station where they were. 7here must be a truck stop near here, *enny said. Im not getting in any truck, (pple said. .f course not, Liz said. (pple lay her head back down in the grass, lolled it from side to side. *enny slipped off one strap, then the other, let her pack fall to the ground, then sat on top of it. %he began taking out her braids, and running her fingers through her long, tangly hair. *esus, *enny said. 7hen she smirked a little. ,y sweethearts, *enny said, grimacing. ,y dearhearts, (pple said, from the grass. ,y larks. (nd the two of them laughed, as Liz looked on, first nervously from their chests, then raucously, from their bellies, (pple turning over onto her front, and *enny falling off her pack and landing, splayed ne0t to her. 7hey laughed like that for a long time, their bodies parallel, their foreheads resting against the dirt. = = = 7hey had faced the worst, and they had survived it. "razy people happened, and could happen to them at any time in random, senseless ways, but there was no use in spending ones life trying to avoid it. (pple had suffered and that wasnt fair, but *enny had protected her. *enny looked at herself in the truck stop bathroom mirror. %he felt fancy. %he braided her hair in the #rench style like (pple had taught her, in (pples honor. %he took her )ournal from her pocket and wrote down the lines from the pamphlet. 7hen she wrote something her father had said once, after listening to a radio special that had moved him to tears. 9e are led to the stories we are meant to tell. In the tent, (pple stared at words on the pages of her book. ( woman, a strange woman, had put her hand on (pple. %he tingled, with aliveness. 7hey had been tested. %he had been violated. But *enny and Liz had been -uick, and she had been -uick too, on her feet, when it mattered, and they had emerged basically .;. (pple thought of where shed been )ust a year ago, of how deeply shed bowed down to heroin. (ll her life shed carried the belief, small and ludicrous, of being a strong person, of being the kind of person who could roll out of a moving car if it was re-uired of her in order to survive. (nd now she had done it. +ello, she said to herself. Its me. (fter *enny and (pple had turned off their headlamps, Liz was still awake in the dark tent. %he listened to the sounds of trucks idling, of truckers shouting to one another in the lot, and she willed herself to

want to go to 9est irginia. 9hen she saw the first light, she stepped out of the tent and vomited into the sunrise, perple0ed. (s she walked across the parking plaza, she looked at all the trucks parked there in rows. %he walked through a lane of trucks with their silver heads and silver antennae facing her on both sides. ( few of the trucks were idling with their lights on, and their headlights lit her way towards the truck stop. ( few of them honked as she passed, and in their light and their clear blasts into the early morning silence, she felt the weight of being responsible for *enny and (pple lift off her shoulders. %he felt the sweet hard clarity of being alone return to her, greedily fed herself the knowledge that her every choice once again belonged only to her, that every moment was once again hers and hers alone to e0perience, possess, and retell as it might suit her. %he heard her feet hit the blacktop first one and then the other, and the clean simple sound of only her two feet, plucked from the shuffle of the si0 feet shed been listening to for the past week, triggered such a sense of )oy, such a primal song of relief, that tears formed in a thin membrane over her eyes, but did not fall. In the truck stop store, Liz bought a pack of cigarettes. %he smoked one down, then lit another and smoked it down too. %he found a payphone and called her mother in ,assachusetts, but it was her father who answered, of course. 8addy, she said. "hrist, he said. %he told him where she was and that she was .;, and he was silent a long time. 7hen he said, Im getting married on 9ednesday. 7hird times the charm. I didnt know where to send your invitation. 9hat day is it today' Liz asked. Its 7hursday. Liz leaned her back into the glass of the phone booth and looked out at the early morning traffic on I34, going west, going east. 9est would take her over the Blue Eidge ,ountains into 9est irginia. <ast would take her to I-B6 where she could then get a ride north to ,assachusetts. ,y father, she thought, who I care for not at all. Liz could imagine the woman her father was marrying if she was anything like the ones he had dated since her mother died. 7he new wife would be thin and stylish. %hed wear red !ivenchy heels and insist on the reception being held at the #our %easons in Boston. %he had never touched, and would never touch, with her life, anything that could ever be called (merica. %hed look over her wine glass at Liz and ask the -uestion they all asked sooner or later / not )ust her fathers wives, but all of the women shed met in the past three yearsD friends shed stayed with, artist girls in high heels at the +aight %treet photography e0hibits, cashiers at the truck stops, waitresses at interstate diners, 8eb in (labama and the other women whod given her rides / arent you scared, out there, on the road all by yourself' <ven (pple had asked it. *enny, Liz realized, was the only one who had never had. .ver a fancy back to school sendoff dinner the (ugust after her freshman year of college, her mother had asked a different -uestion, after listening to Liz talk the whole summer about how her heart was broken over the boy shed met in ,ontanaH <lizabeth, her mother had said, e0asperated and tired. 8ont you know, when to say when' Ill call you back, Liz said, to her father on the phone, and hung up. Liz walked back to the tent and looked at (pple and *enny, still asleep. *enny slept with her knees clutched tightly to her chest, (pple lay on her stomach, arms limp at her sides, elbow side down. It

occurred to Liz that she could not protect these two people. 8espite her big pack, Liz knew, *enny was the smarter and the less vulnerable. It occurred to Liz that of the two of them, *enny would be the one who would be ready to die for this idea. 9hile (pple would run to and fro, trying to get back into life at any cost, *enny would know better. = = = Liz would be having her hair sculpted into a half poof by a #our %easons +otel stylist when shed be summoned to the lobby for a call. 9est irginia police, the smartly dressed receptionist would say, e0pressionless, handing her the receiver, then placing the phones base on the marble countertop. <lizabeth' a mans voice would say, breathless, panting. Liz would listen to the static in the connection, to the distance, traveled in wire, between the voice and her. &es. <lizabeth Brundage. &es. &oure alive' Liz would blink, go to put her hand in the crown of hair, but it would be stiff and feel unattached to her. 8ont you read the papers' the voice would ask. 9eve been looking everywhere for your body. 9eve been calling you the 7hird Eainbow !irl. 7he detective would tell Liz what they knew, which was nothing. *enny was likely shot while on her knees, e0ecution styleD (pple while turned away, in the back. 7hey were found side-by-side by two local men in a remote field on the top of iney ,ountain, in the early evening. Liz would thank the detective, and hand the phone back to the smartly dressed receptionist. %hed go back to the salon, where shed finish getting her hair done. %hed take the elevator up to the eighth floor where she would put on a one shouldered grey crepe de chine dress, so lucky you fit into the sample sizeG, the mother of her future stepmother would congratulate her. %he would stand, on carpeted steps, between the two other bridesmaids in matching grey dresses. 7here would be an arch made of white lilies and hydrangeas and her father would stand under it with a priest, his head hanging down. 7he crowd would stand, and her father would raise his head, then turn to Liz, as if to say her name. +e would stand still, waiting, as her future stepmother walked, it seemed for miles, towards them. 7here would be the smell of lilies and hydrangeas and wet greenery. Lizs father would hold onto the womans white-gloved fingertips. 9e kneel, the priest would say, for the body of "hrist. Liz would get down on her knees. %he would be aware of the space behind her eyes, of the great distance of space between her eyes and her brain. %he would be aware of how light the Boston sky still was, how grey. It would be this detail, that it was still light out when *enny and (pple died, that would truly slay her, though she wouldnt know it yet. +ow could that be' 7o be shot in the forest when it was not even dark, Liz would think. +ow little those shots must have mattered to whoever fired them, how sure the shooter must have been that he was safe, what easy targets they must have made, like pretty, dumb deer. 9hat a )oke these two women must have seemed, with their big backpacks and sport sandals and maps. 9hat a )okeG Liz almost laughed. But it was still light outG she would think, every time she washed dishes or hiked alone or drove fast in

car. +ow impossibleG +ow absurdG It could not be. (nd yet, it had been. (nd yet, it would continue to be. 7he veil would be lifted, Lizs father would be married, again, and there would be a song, and Liz would hear it, finally, as if on endless loop, the detectives words, would be clobbered by them, out of breath, &oure alive' &oure alive' &oure alive' = = = Liz pulled her pack toward her, and heaved it onto her back. %he knew that in a few minutes *enny and (pple would open their eyes. In a few minutes, they would wake up and stretch their arms above their heads, their minds electrically clear, their bodies ready. In a few minutes, they would wake up and head west to the place where people who called themselves Eainbows, who called themselves a family, would gather in the forest, and she was supposed to go with them.