Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality Glenda G. Queen Liberty University, Lynchburg, Virginia

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

This paper reviews research on some of the premarital factors associated with achieving marital stability and quality in marriage. It includes research on the importance of a couple knowing each others background, family of origin issues, dealing with issues of marital relationships and development including family planning, finances, dealing with in-laws, the importance of maintaining personal goals and how to most appropriately handle each of them. It also includes information regarding premarital counseling and the benefit of obtaining it prior to becoming an officially engaged couple.

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

Successful marriages know how to handle difficult situations. Many couples deal with similar issues or problems in a marriage. It is how they respond to those problems and issues that determine the quality and stability of each married couple and their relationship. The most frequent cause of divorce for many years has been over money. Successful couples have determined it works best for each spouse to have their own individual checking account and then have one joint checking account. (Stritof, About.com) This allows each person to have access to their own money and they can determine how to spend it or save it. Some conclude that the separation of money insinuates the lack of closeness between the couple. From my own experience this set-up of having our own individual checking accounts worked best. Several married couple friends also have this arrangement and it works best for them as well. The husband usually pays the mortgage (or rent) because his check is typically a larger amount and the wife pays for the other smaller monthly maintenance bills such as electricity, water, cable/satellite, telephone, etc. It is also recommended that each spouse pay their own car payment and alternate paying for child care. Couples should agree on spending habits and to maintain being debt free as much as possible. Other than a mortgage payment and vehicle loans there should be no debt, such as credit cards or personal loans. Also, each individual should have, at minimum, one thousand dollars in their checking account as a cushion in case of an emergency or unexpected expense. Finances need to be discussed frequently and if that is a sore topic prior to getting engaged it will quickly become a huge can of worms in the marriage. Couples should also discuss saving money each month and saving for retirement accounts if they want to maintain or possibly improve the quality of living they have at the current time.

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

"On the first day of every week, each one of you should set aside a sum of money in keeping with his income, saving it up." (1 Corinthians 16:2 New International Version) One of the most important factors in marital dissolution is the growing economic inequality. In recent decades, inequalities in education, individual earnings and family incomes have widened dramatically, and those with less education and lower incomes continue to lose their economic ground in the distribution of income. Although people with skilled jobs and higher levels of education have continued to advance their placement within the nations distribution of wealth, African Americans and families disrupted by divorce or death of a spouse have been left behind in the lower end of the distribution. (Kim, 2010, 398) Developing a happy and healthy marriage is very important and should be based on faith and trust of Jesus Christ and built on a firm foundation solid as a rock, not build on sand. We need a solid foundation for our love for the Lord. That foundation is His own unchanging love for us. "We love him, because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Many Christians experience difficulties later on in their lives, because they were never clear on this point initially. "A final gospel truth that will contribute to our understanding of and hence the quality of our marriages relates to the degree in which we involve the Savior in our relationships as husbands and wives. As designed by our Heavenly Father, marriage consists of our first entering into a covenant relationship with Christ and then with each other. He and his teachings must be the focal point of our togetherness. As we become more like him and grow closer to him, we will naturally become more loving and grow closer to each other" ("A Union of Love and Understanding," Ensign, Oct 1994, 47).

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

Another major issue that couples should agree on prior to getting married is family planning. Both couples need to decide if it is their desire to have children (or not) and come to a mutual understanding. The amount of time after getting married you hope to begin expanding your family and the number of children you prefer to have should be agreed upon prior to saying I do. It is unfair to the child and your spouse to try to change what was previously agreed to. If a couple cannot agree on this issue prior to getting married they should not get married. Getting married is not going to change the others mind. We Christians are usually willing to let God control most areas of our lives, but many of us will not let Him do the family planning. Only God knows how many children each family should have and when they should have them. His timing is perfect and He does not make mistakes. Trust God for your families. He loves you and knows what it takes to mold you and make you more like Him - even in pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a family. Dealing with in-laws is a major issue for many couples. They can be a great source of support or they can be too involved in your relationship and can be a great source of conflict within your marriage. Always show your in-laws respect, even when you think they do not deserve it. If you are having difficulties with your own family issues, it is important that you be open to healing any past injuries so you can move forward in your life with your spouse. Define and set boundaries with your in-laws concerning your feelings, thoughts and expectations about holidays, vacations, visits, time with grandchildren, financial issues, and privacy. Know when you have had

enough. Have a password if necessary so that your spouse understands when it is time to end the visit with your in-laws. As your in-laws and parents age, it is important that you

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

discuss practical concerns with them such as their health and financial issues. Find out their expectations about their care in case they cannot provide for themselves in their later years. They may plan to move in with you and your spouse. It is best to find out early to change plans if needed. Most importantly, remember to keep your marriage a priority over the relationship with your in-laws. (Stitrof, About.com) "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31

Knowing your family of origin and sharing the good, bad and ugly details of your childhood, how you were raised and other life experiences with your future spouse before you get married is extremely important. A connection to family provides a certain type of social support that you cant get from other people. Provided they arent severely emotionally toxic, we can generally depend on our families in times of crisis for emotional and practical support, and sometimes even financial support when were desperately in need. Our families carry our history with them, and they generally share our future as well. Who better than siblings, parents, and other close relatives can reminisce with us about our childhoods, or remember pieces of ourselves weve forgotten? This connection to fond memories, support in times of need, and near-unconditional love is a unique way that family brings us happiness as well as relief from stress. Unfortunately, with the complexity of these relationships, they're not always easy. When people get together with their families of origin, they often regress to the behavior patterns they had when they were younger, as thats how were usually most experienced in dealing with parents and siblings. It can be stressful to feel pulled toward old patterns, however, especially if youve grown beyond these old roles and they no longer reflect who you are. Dealing with

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

difficult people is never easy. But while it may be better for your stress level and even improve your health to eliminate strained relationships from your life, it's not always a simple undertaking when the difficult people are relatives, co-workers, or people you otherwise must have in your life. It is very difficult if you are coming from a family whose parents have remained married and your future spouse is coming from a divorced family. The odds of a successful marriage are against you already. (Scott, 2007)

Keeping a family history has many benefits. Knowing the medical history of your current family members and those before you and relationship history of your ancestors can give you not only life but also the courage to make it through some of the hard times. Understanding what you bring from your family of origin to your marriage can also help you understand one another's behaviors and attitudes more fully. (Stritof, About.com)

When you are married and have a family, it's still important to keep in mind personal goals. Your goals might be small, such as reading a new book every month, or they might be larger, such as developing a new hobby or learning a new skill. Personal goals will help you grow as a person and will enrich your life and your marriage. Once you find a hobby you like, set goals for yourself. For instance, if you like to garden, commit to learning about two new plants each year. You might even have the long-term goal of entering your flowers into a contest. One way to grow and spend time together is for you and your spouse to take a class together. It can be something fun, such as ballroom dancing or painting, or something more serious, such as financial planning. We choose to do Dave Ramseys Financial Peace University together. You and your spouse can alternate choosing a class to take. (Rich & Kravitz, 2001)

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

If you want to be among the 50 percent of couples who stay married over the long haul and the even smaller number of those who do so happily, you should consider premarital counseling. A 2003 study published in Family Relations found that couples who participate in premarital counseling and education report a thirty percent stronger marriage than other couples. Often when couples participate in premarital counseling, its only after the engagement ring is purchased and the wedding date is set. But at that point, key decisions such as whether to marry this person have already been made; and the focus is on the wedding itself, making it more difficult to be honest about deal-breakers. Ideally, couples should seek premarital guidance when initially contemplating marriage, before becoming engaged. Still, its better to do it later than not all. Most premarital counseling focuses on values as they pertain to gender, roles, finances, family (including whether to have children, how many and how to discipline them), conflict resolution and communication. For second marriages it usually involves combining families, step-children, becoming a step-parent and the childrens non-custodial parent. Facilitators raise issues that couples may not have considered because they arent yet married, and many couples, even those who have dated for years, often learn something new about each other. When differences in values are found, premarital counseling can help you address up front how to resolve those differences in the years ahead. Good premarital counseling programs are really skills training programs. Research has shown successful, enduring marriages are based not only on compatibility and personality but also on expectations, communication, conflict resolution, intimacy and sexuality and long-term

Premarital Predictors of Marriage Stability and Quality

goals. When choosing a premarital program, look for one that covers all of these. (Jolley, Feb 2008) "Marriage demands work. A happy marriage exacts the very best of us. Yet above all, maintaining a successful marriage is a choice." (Janette K. Gibbons, "Seven Steps to Strengthen a Marriage," Ensign, Mar 2002, 24).

1 Corinthians 7:1-16 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us

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to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

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References

Sheri & Bob Stritof, Qualities of a Successful Marriage, About.com Guide

Elder Marlin K. Jensen "A Union of Love and Understanding," Ensign, Oct 1994, 47

Janette K. Gibbons, "Seven Steps to Strengthen a Marriage," Ensign, Mar 2002, 24

Kim, Jeounghee (2010) A Diverging Trend in Marital Dissolution by Income Status, Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 51:7, 396-412

Sheri & Bob Stritof, Top 10 In-Laws Coping Tips, About.com Guide

Elizabeth Scott, M.S., Family Connection and Happiness, Fostering A Closer Relationship With Your Family, About.com Guide, Jan 2007

The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage 2001 by Hilary Rich and Helaina Laks Kravitz, M.D.

Premarital Counseling Helps Couples Avoid Relationship Problems, Donna Jolley, MS, LICSW, Family & Children's Center Therapist, Feb 2008.