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Domestic Violence and Abuse

SIGNS OF ABUSE AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.
IN THIS ARTICLE:

Understanding domestic violence and abuse Signs of an abusive relationship

Physical abuse and violence


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Understanding domestic violence and abuse


Women dont have to live in fear:
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). UK: call Womens Aid at 0808 2000 247. Canada: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010. Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732. Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.

Male victims of abuse can call:



U.S. and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women UK: ManKind Initiative Australia: One in Three Campaign

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse,occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesnt play fair. Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abusedespecially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether its coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help


Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of painand your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship


There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partnerconstantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-upchances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation. To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more yes answers, the more likely it is that youre in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOURE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP


Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you cant do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? treat you so badly that youre embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? criticize you and put you down?

Your Partners Belittling Behavior

Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you?

SIGNS THAT YOURE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP


wonder if youre the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless? blame you for their own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partners Violent Behavior or Threats


Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?

Your Partners Controlling Behavior


Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do?

keep you from seeing your friends or family?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

Physical abuse and domestic violence


When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse


Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isnt a better or worse form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.

The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship.Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you. The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted! There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

Emotional abuse: Its a bigger problem than you think


When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because youre not battered and bruised doesnt mean youre not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlookedeven by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse


The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If youre the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship o r that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you dont do what they want. You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse


Remember, an abusers goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes: Rigidly controlling your finances. Withholding money or credit cards. Making you account for every penny you spend. Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Restricting you to an allowance. Preventing you from working or choosing your own career. Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly). Stealing from you or taking your money.

Violent and abusive behavior is the abusers choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abusers loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession. Humiliation An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless. Isolation In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Threats Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services. Intimidation Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences. Denial and blame Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault. Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They dont insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love. Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as youre alone. Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, theyre able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when its to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls). Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they wont show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks wont show.

Abusers are able to control their behaviorthey do it all the time.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse


Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss." Guilt After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. Hes more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior. Excuses Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavioranything to avoid taking responsibility. "Normal" behavior The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time. Fantasy and planning Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what youve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality. Set-up Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abusers apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example


A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He thenfantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the

shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up. Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse


It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse


People who are being abused may:

Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner. Go along with everything their partner says and does. Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what theyre doing. Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner. Talk about their partners temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence


People who are being physically abused may:

Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of accidents. Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation. Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation


People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

Be restricted from seeing family and friends. Rarely go out in public without their partner. Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse


People who are being abused may:

Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident. Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn). Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse


If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If youre hesitatingtelling yourself that its none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about itkeep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.

Do's and Don'ts

Do:

Ask if something is wrong. Express concern. Listen and validate. Offer help. Support his or her decisions.

Dont: Wait for him or her to come to you. Judge or blame. Pressure him or her. Give advice. Place conditions on your support.

Adapted from: NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that youre concerned. Point out the things youve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that youre there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that youll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that youll help in any way you can. Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet theyve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Financial Abuse in Marriage


If a woman is not physically or sexually abused by her husband, people generally conclude there is no abuse. But women should give this question more serious thought.

Abuse need not be verbal, physical or sexual. These types of abuse are sufficient grounds to head straight for the divorce courts because a physically or sexually abusive partner needs professional help.

Abuse is a dangerous element in a marriage. Sometimes, divorce is the only solution because a woman who is consistently abused will have nothing left of her soul. Her self-esteem disappears and she will begin to think that she deserves neither respect nor love from her husband. She will unconsciously heap the blame on herself for the

unhappy marriage. Men who consciously or unconsciously verbally abuse their wives are not aware of the consequences of their deeds. Sometimes verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse.

There is, however, another kind of abuse that can occur in a marriage and is often ignored because no physical harm is involved. Were referring to economic abuse or more commonly known as economic domination. This type of abuse is rarely discussed in therapy circles because it takes a back seat to physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

Suffice it to say that economic domination can be just as emotionally devastating to a woman. Imagine a once vibrant woman who, when single, had a good corporate job, earned an excellent salary and had the respect of her colleagues at work. One day she meets the man of her dreams and falls in love. They get married, but little does she know that he wants her to stay home and be a full-time homemaker. She becomes pregnant even if she isnt ready to be a mother. Deep down, she feels that she is happiest when pursuing her career.

How is a woman like her who thrives in an intellectual milieu going to fare when faced with economic domination by her husband?

Economic abuse in a marriage is evident in these circumstances:

Telling his wife to quit her job so she can stay home and take care of the kids. Confiscating his wifes assets and other financial resources and forbidding her from handling money or incurring expenses that he does not allow. Using his wifes financial assets to his advantage and depriving her of her r ights to enjoy what is financially and rightfully hers. Taking away his wifes credit cards and providing only a sufficient amount of money to pay for the day -today.

A variation of this economic abuse is also apparent in a relationship where the husband allows his wife to work, but regains control of her pay check and does not give her the opportunity to make any financial decisions.

We once knew a woman at work who made good money and who managed to rise up the ranks because she was hardworking and knew how to make herself indispensable to the company. She never joined her co-workers for lunch outings or shopping sprees because she didnt have a single cent on her. We asked her once why she never had any money on her when everyone else was envious of her salary.

Her answer: My husband controls the purse strings. I dont know what he does with my pay check. I dare not ask.

Are you in a marriage where you suffer from economic abuse?


http://www.weddingvendors.com/planning/articles/financial-abuse-marriage/

Abuse in Intimate Relationships: Defining the Multiple Dimensions and Terms


Vera E. Mouradian, PhD National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center Wellesley Centers for Women Wellesley College The term "intimate relationships" is used here to be maximally inclusive of any romantic and/or sexual relationship between two non-biologically-related people, including dating or courtship relationships, relationships in which the romantic partners live together in the same household (cohabiting), relationships in which two people have children in common but are no longer formally romantically or sexually involved with one another, and marital relationships. Ideally such relationships are loving and supportive, protective of and safe for each member of the couple. Unfortunately, some people, while fulfilling these nurturing, positive needs of their partners at least some of the time and at least early in their relationship's development, also behave abusively, causing their partners (and often others as well) substantial emotional and/or physical pain and injury. In extreme cases, abusive behavior ends in the death of one or both partners, and, sometimes, other people as well. Non-lethal abuse may end when a relationship ends. Frequently, however, abuse continues or worsens once a relationship is over. This can happen whether the relationship is ended by just one of the partners or, seemingly, by mutual consent. There are several types of abuse that occur in intimate romantic relationships. It is frequently the case that two or more types of abuse are present in the same relationship. Emotional abuse often precedes, occurs with, and/or follows physical or sexual abuse in relationships (Koss et al., 1994; Stets, 1991; Tolman, 1992; Walker, 1984). Sexual and non-sexual physical abuse also co-occur in many abusive relationships (Browne, 1987; Mahoney & Williams, 1998; Walker, 1984), and, as with emotional abuse, sexual and non-sexual abuse often are combined elements of a single abusive incident (Bergen, 1996; Browne, 1987; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1990; Walker, 1984). As discussed by Tolman (1992), it may be somewhat artificial to separate emotional abuse from physical forms of abuse because physical forms of abuse also inflict emotional and psychological harm to victims, and both forms of abuse serve to establish dominance and control over another person. However, it also is possible for any one of these types of abuse to occur alone. In fact, emotional abuse often occurs in the absence of other types of abuse. Therefore, despite some conceptual and experiential overlap, the various forms of abuse also are separable conceptually and experientially. Moreover, for better or worse, they are often treated separately by the research community, although that practice is changing as research on these topics matures and progresses. The categories of abuse that occur in intimate romantic relationships include: Emotional Abuse (also called psychological abuse or aggression, verbal abuse or aggression, symbolic abuse or aggression, and nonphysical abuse or aggression). Psychological/emotional abuse has been variously characterized as "the use of verbal and nonverbal acts which symbolically hurt the other or the use of threats to hurt the other"

(Straus, 1979, p. 77); "behaviors that can be used to terrorize the victim. . .that do not involve the use of physical force" (Shepard & Campbell, 1992, p. 291); the "direct infliction of mental harm" and "threats or limits to the victim's well-being" (Gondolf, 1987), and ". . . an ongoing process in which one individual systematically diminishes and destroys the inner self of another. The essential ideas, feelings, perceptions, and personality characteristics of the victim are constantly belittled." (Loring, 1994, p. 1). Psychological/ emotional abuse is considered an important form of abuse because many women report that it is as harmful or worse than physical abuse they suffer (Follingstad, Rutledge, Berg, Hause, & Polek, 1990; Walker, 1984) and because of its role in setting up and maintaining the overall abusive dynamic of the relationship (Boulette & Anderson, 1986; Dutton & Painter, 1981; Dutton & Painter, 1993; Loring, 1994; NiCarthy, 1982, 1986; Romero, 1985). Behaviors regarded as psychologically and/or emotionally abusive include, but are not limited to: Yelling Insulting the partner Withholding resources such as money Swearing at one's partner or calling him or her names Belittling or ridiculing the partner; insulting the partner Belittling or berating one's partner in front of other people Putting down the partner's physical appearance or intellect Saying things to upset or frighten one's partner; acting indifferently to one's partner's feelings Making one's partner do humiliating or demeaning things Demanding obedience to whims Ordering the partner around/treating him or her like a servant Becoming angry when chores are not done when wanted or as wanted Acting jealous and suspicious of the partner's friends and social contacts Putting down one's partner's friends and/or family Refusing to share in housework or childcare Restricting the partner's usage of the telephone and/or car Not allowing one's partner to leave the home alone Telling one's partner his or her feelings are irrational or crazy Turning other people against one's partner Blaming the partner for one's problems and/or one's violent behavior Preventing the partner from working or attending school Preventing the partner from socializing with friends and/or seeing his or her family Preventing the partner from seeking medical care or other types of help Throwing objects (but not at the partner) Doing something to spite one's partner

Monitoring the partner's time and whereabouts Monitoring ones partners telephone calls or email contact Stomping out of a room during an argument or heated discussion Sulking and refusing to talk about an issue Making decisions that affect both people or the family without consulting one's partner or without reaching agreement with one's partner Withholding affection Threatening to leave the relationship

Hitting or kicking a wall, furniture, doors, etc. Shaking a finger or fist at one's partner Making threatening gestures or faces Threatening to destroy or destroying personal property belonging to one's partner Threatening to use physical or sexual aggression against one's partner Driving dangerously while one's partner is in the car as a conscious intentional act to scare or intimidate Using the partner's children to threaten them (e.g., threatening to kidnap) Threatening violence against the partner's children, family, friends, or pets

(These examples are based on items from various instruments used to measure emotional aggression in romantic and family dyads including those by Follingstad et al., 1990; Hudson & McIntosh, 1981; Marshall, 1992a, 1992b; NiCarthy, 1982, 1986; Pan, Neidig, & O'Leary, 1994; Shepard & Campbell, 1992; Stets, 1991; Straus, 1979; Straus & Gelles, 1986; Straus, Hamby, Boney-McCoy & Sugarman, 1996; Tolman, 1989). Economic Abuse. This could be considered a subcategory of emotional abuse since it serves many of the same functions as emotional abuse and has some of the same emotional effects on victims. However, it can be distinguished by its focus on preventing victims from possessing or maintaining any type of financial self-sufficiency or resources and enforcing material dependence of the victim on the abusive partner (that is, this behavior is intended to make the victim entirely dependent on the abusive partner to supply basic material needs like food, clothing, and shelter or to supply the means to obtain them). The desire to isolate the victim from other people can be one of the motives for economic abuse as well, however (See Social Isolation category below). Behaviors that could lead to the material dependence of a victim of abuse on her (or his) abuser (some of which are already listed under the larger Emotional Abuse category) include but are not limited to, when the abusive party: Makes monetary or investment decisions to which the partner might object that affect both people and/or the family without consulting the partner or without reaching agreement with the partner Withholds resources such as money or Restricts the partner's usage of the family car or other means of transportation Does not allow the partner to leave the home alone

spends a large share of the family budget on him- or herself leaving little money leftover for purchase of food and payment of bills Refuses to share in housework or childcare responsibilities so the partner can work

Prevents or forbids the partner from working or attending school or skills training sessions Interferes with work performance through harassing and monitoring activities like frequent telephone calls or visits to the workplace (in the hopes of getting the partner fired, for example).

Social Isolation. This also could be considered a subcategory of emotional abuse since it serves many of the same functions as emotional abuse. It can be distinguished by its focus on interfering with and destroying or impairing the victim's support network and making the victim entirely or largely dependent on the abusive partner for information, social interaction, and satisfying emotional needs. Socially isolating the victim increases the abuser's power over the victim, but it also protects the abuser. If the victim does not have contact with other people the perpetrator will not be as likely to have to deal with legal or social consequences for his behavior and the victim will not be as likely to get help, including help that may lead to an end to the relationship. Abusive behaviors that could lead to the social isolation of a victim of abuse (some of which were already listed under the larger Emotional Abuse category above) include: Acting jealous and suspicious of the partner's friends and social contacts; Putting down the partner's friends and/or family Monitoring the partner's time and whereabouts Restricting the partner's usage of the telephone and/or car; not allowing the partner to leave the home alone Preventing the partner from working or attending school Physical Abuse (also called physical aggression or abuse; intimate partner violence or abuse; conjugal, domestic, spousal, or dating or courtship violence or abuse). Physical aggression in the context of intimate relationships has been defined as "an act carried out with the intention, or perceived intention, of causing physical pain or injury to another person" (Straus & Gelles, 1986). This is behavior that is intended, at minimum, to cause temporary physical pain to the victim, and includes relatively "minor" acts like slapping with an open hand and severe acts of violence that lead to injury and/or death. It may occur just once or sporadically and infrequently in a relationship, but in many relationships it is repetitive and chronic, and it escalates in frequency and severity over time. Physical abuse includes, but is not limited to: Acting in ways that are aimed at turning other people against the partner Preventing the partner from socializing with friends and/or seeing his or her family Preventing the partner from seeking medical care or other types of help; threatening the lives or well-being of others with whom the partner might have contact.

Spitting on Slapping or hitting with an open hand Spanking (non-playfully) Scratching Pushing; shoving; grabbing Arm twisting or bending Hair pulling Hitting or punching with a fist Throwing objects at the partner Hitting with hard or sharp objects Kicking; biting (non-playfully) Throwing or body slamming the partner against objects, walls, floors, vehicles, onto the ground, etc. Pushing or shoving or dragging a partner down stairs or off any raised platform or height

Cutting; scalding or burning Forcing a person out of a moving vehicle Holding down or tying up the partner to restrain the partner against his or her will Locking a partner in a room, closet, or other enclosed space Choking or strangling Beating up Attempting to drown Threatening with a weapon Attempting to use a weapon against a partner Actually using a weapon against a partner

(These examples are based on items from various instruments used to measure physical aggression in family dyads and on research on domestic and dating violence, including Gondolf, 1988; Gray & Foshee, 1997; Hudson & McIntosh, 1981; Makepeace, 1986; Marshall, 1992a, 1992b; Pan, Neidig, & O'Leary, 1994; Shepard & Campbell, 1992; Straus, 1979; Straus & Gelles, 1986; Straus, Hamby, Boney-McCoy, & Sugarman, 1996; Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000). Sexual Abuse. (This category includes marital rape and rape by a dating or cohabiting partner. NOTE: The behaviors listed in this category also can be directed toward people other than romantic partners and would fall under broader definitions of sexual assault, incest, and rape as well. For more information on this topic, click here to view the Rape and Sexual Assault Overview article by Dean Kilpatrick or here to view Mary Kosss article on Rape Prevalence, or see Patricia Mahoneys article on Marital Rape or articles by Kim Slote and Carrie Cuthbert on intimate partner sexual assault across cultures in the International Perspectives section of this web site) Sexual abuse includes behaviors that fall under legal definitions of rape, plus physical assaults to the sexual parts of a person's body, and making sexual demands with which one's partner is uncomfortable (Marshall, 1992a; Shepard & Campbell, 1992). It also had been defined as including ". . . sex without consent, sexual assault, rape, sexual control of reproductive rights, and all forms of sexual manipulation carried out by the perpetrator with the intention or perceived intention to cause emotional, sexual, and physical degradation to another person" (Abraham, 1999, p. 592). Sexual abuse includes, but is not limited to:

Demanding sex when one's partner is unwilling Demanding or coercing the partner to engage in sexual activities with which the partner is uncomfortable Coerced penile penetration of any kind (oral, vaginal, or anal) Physically coerced sexual acts of any kind (e.g., through threats with or use of weapons or threats or use of other means of inflicting bodily harm) Using an object or fingers on one's partner in a sexual way against his or her will Use of alcohol or drugs on one's partner to obtain sex when the partner was (and/or would be) unwilling

Physical attacks against the sexual parts of the partner's body Interference with birth control Insistence on risky sexual practices (such as refusal to use a condom when a sexually transmitted disease is a known or suspected risk) Forced or coerced participation in pornography Forced or coerced sexual activity in the presence of others, including children Forced or coerced prostitution or nonconsensual sexual activity with people other than and/or in addition to the partner Forced or coerced sex with animals Forced or coerced participation in bondage or other sadomasochistic activities

(These examples are based on items from various instruments used to measure sexual aggression in romantic dyads and on research on rape, sexual abuse and sexual abuse in marriage, including Koss & Gidycz, 1985; Koss & Oros, 1982; Marshall, 1992a, 1992b; Molina & Basinait-Smith, 1998; Pan, Neidig, & O'Leary,1994; Shepard & Campbell, 1992; Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000; Walker, 1984; Wingood & DiClimente, 1997). Stalking. (also known clinically as obsessional following. This type of behavior also can be directed toward people with whom the perpetrator has not been romantically involved and can involve motives other than sexual or "amorous" ones -- notably anger, hostility, paranoia, and delusion. See Mindy Mechanics article on Stalking [Link] for additional informa tion on this problem). Stalking has been defined variously as: ". . .knowingly and repeatedly following, harassing, or threatening. . . [another person]" (Fremouw, Westrup, & Pennypacker, 1997, p. 667); "unsolicited and unwelcome behavior [that is] initiated by the defendant against the complainant, [that is] at minimum alarming, annoying, or harassing, [and that involves] two or more incidents of such behavior. . ." (Harmon, Rosner, & Owens, 1998, p. 240); ". . . a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated visual or physical proximity; nonconsensual communication; verbal, written, or implied threats; or a combination thereof that would cause fear in a reasonable person (with repeated meaning on two or more occasions)" (Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000); and "the willful, malicious, and repeated following and harassing of another person that threatens his or her safety" and "an abnormal or long term pattern of threat and harassment directed toward a specific individual" (Meloy & Gothard, 1995, pp. 258 & 259). As a form of intimate partner abuse, stalking is frequently associated with separation or the end of a romantic relationship. However, some of the behaviors classified under the emotional abuse, economic abuse, and social isolation categories listed above that occur in both intact and ended relationships qualify as stalking behaviors as well. Walker and Meloy (1998) have suggested that, with regard to intact intimate romantic relationships, stalking is

an "extreme form of typical behavior between a couple [that has escalated to the point of] monitoring, surveillance, and overpossessiveness, and [that] induces fear" (p. 140). Results from the National Violence Against Women Survey (Tjaden & Thoennes, 1998) indicate that many women who are stalked by intimate partners (36%) are stalked by their partners both during and after their relationships end. Stalking includes, but is not limited to, behaviors such as: Secretly following and/or spying on the partner Hiring someone else to follow or spy on the partner Verbally threatening the partner (implicitly or explicitly) through telephone calls or messages on telephone answering machines, written or electronic correspondence, or in person Sending cards, letters, gifts or other packages, etc. to the partner's home or office or leaving such things at the partner's home, office or on or in the partners vehicle inappropriately (i.e., inappropriately given the status of the relationship) Appearing in places the partner frequents and waiting for the partner to catch a glimpse of him or her Threatening to damage or destroy the partner's personal property Damaging or destroying the partner's personal property Stealing from the partner Accosting the partner or someone close to the partner (Fremouw, Westrup, & Pennypacker, 1997; Harmon, Rosner, & Owens, 1998; Tjaden & Thoennes, 1998, 2000; Walker & Meloy, 1998). REFERENCES Abraham, M. (1999). Sexual abuse in South Asian immigrant marriages.Violence Against Women, 5, 591-618. Bergen, R. K. (1996). Wife rape: Understanding the response of survivors and service providers. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Boulette, T. R. & Andersen, S. M. (1986). "Mind control" and the battering of women. The Cultic Studies Journal, 3, 25-34. Browne, A. (1987). When battered women kill. New York: The Free Press. Dutton, D. G. & Painter, S. (1993). The battered woman syndrome: effects of severity and intermittency of abuse. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 63, 614-622. Dutton, D. G. & Painter, S. (1981). Traumatic bonding: the development of emotional attachments in battered women and other relationships of intermittent abuse. Victimology, 6, 139-155. Finkelhor, D. & Yllo, K. (1985). License to rape: Sexual abuse of wives. New York: Holt, Rinehart, & Winston.

Follingstad, D. R., Rutledge, L. L., Berg. B. J., Hause, E. S., & Polek, D. S. (1990). The role of emotional abuse in physically abusive relationships.Journal of Family Violence, 5, 107120. Fremouw, W. J., Westrup, D., & Pennypacker, J. (1997). Stalking on campus: The prevalence and strategies for coping with stalking. Journal of Forensic Science, 42, 666-669. Gondolf, E. W. (1988). Who are those guys? Toward a behavioral typology of batterers. Violence and Victims, 3, 187-203. Gondolf, E. W. (1987). Evaluating programs for men who batter: problems and prospects. Journal of Family Violence, 2, 95-108. Gray, H. M. & Foshee, V. (1997). Adolescent dating violence: Differences between onesided and mutually violent profiles. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 12, 126-141. Harmon, R. B., Rosner, R., & Owens, H. (1998). Sex and violence in a forensic population of obsessional harassers. Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, 4,236-249. Hudson, W. W. & McIntosh, S. R. (1981). The assessment of spouse abuse: two quantifiable dimensions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 43, 873-886. Koss, M. P. & Gidycz, C. A. (1985). Sexual Experiences Survey: Reliability and validity. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 53, 422-423. Koss, M. P., Goodman, L. A., Browne, A., Fitzgerald, L. F., Keita, G. P., & Russo, N. F. (1994). No Safe Haven: Male Violence Against Women at Home, at Work, and in the Community. Washington, D. C.: American Psychological Association. Koss, M. P. & Oros, C. J. (1982). Sexual Experiences Survey: A research instrument investigating sexual aggression and victimization. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 50, 455-457. Loring, M. T. (1994). Emotional Abuse. New York: Lexington Books. Mahoney, P. & Williams, L. M. (1998). Sexual assault in marriage: Prevalence, consequences, and treatment of wife rape. In J. L. Jasinski & L. M. Williams (Eds.), Partner violence: A comprehensive review of 20 years of research (pp. 113-157). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications. Makepeace, J. M. (1986). Gender differences in courtship violence victimization. Family Relations, 35, 383-388. Marshall, L. L. (1992a). Development of the Severity of Violence Against Women Scales. Journal of Family Violence, 7, 103-121. Marshall, L. L. (1992b). The Severity of Violence Against Men Scales.Journal of Family Violence, 7, 189-203. Molina, L. S. & Basinait-Smith, C. (1998). Revisiting the intersection between domestic abuse and HIV risk. American Journal of Public Health, 88,1267-1268.

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