THE OVER 60 CLUB

Written by Harry Jonathan Chong

Address: 60 Carey Crescent Markham, Ontario L3R 3E5 Canada Phone: 905 475-5427 E-mail: harryjchong@gmail.com

EXT. ENGLISH COAST - DAY A old VW Beetle, clad in white, travels down an idyllic road. The road follows an equally beautiful coast, where the sun is out, and the sky is a perfect blue. An all seeing eye watches over the driver, whose soft voice we hear. This is LISA WATTS. LISA (V.O.) Youre sitting in a chair, or on a sofa, looking down at me, and preparing to make your judgments. You watch me traveling down a beautiful, countryside road, and think what a great life that I may have. Or perhaps youre lusting for excitement, and youre hoping that I will have a crash and a big fire ball will shoot up into the sky.... Let me cut to the chase, and say none of that is gonna happen. What will happen however is youll see a young, desperate woman, trying to scam an old man. The Beetle takes a sharp turn on the bend of a hill. LISA (V.O.) But please, before you get out your pitchforks, I want to say this is something that I am not proud of, and if I have the brain of a sociopath youll have to forgive me. For you see, when I was a child, I never had the chance at a normal life. I never grew up with the sweet touch of love that you so often see in novels or in movies. I never had any proper guidance. I never had any mentors to help me through the process of becoming a woman. Bloody hell, I never even had any friends. I only had a mum I hardly knew, and a father that I never once met. But now all that was going to change, and I would see the man who should have been there to raise me, and in a devious, crazy plan I would milk him for everything that he was worth.

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We switch to a more intimate view of the driver on the road. We see Lisa behind the wheel, a young woman, in her 20s, with curly blonde hair, blue eyes, and a strangely pointed nose. She is modestly dressed, and is wearing a necklace, from which a circular locket sways. Through the car windshield Lisa sees a heap of smoke. Its so bad that she pulls over to the side of the road and makes a stop. She steps outside and pops the hood. She coughs and waves her hand. She takes out a flashlight and looks at the guts of her car. She scratches her chin and goes hmmm. She goes into the trunk of her Beetle, and takes out a shiny, red tool box. She sets it down in front of her car and opens it. She takes out a wrench and wields it. It look like shes going to reach toward some sort of mechanism, but instead she raises it up and starts beating the crap out of her VW Beetle. LISA Goddamn you, you German piece of crap! Cant you take me anywhere without breaking down?! Lisa smashes in a headlight. She raises the wrench in the air, and a hand grabs her wrist before she can swing it down. The owner of this hand is Officer OLIVER, a friendly, British, police officer. He is quite attractive actually. OLIVER Thats a fine looking car you have there... I reckon thats your automobile? Lisa slowly turns around and lowers her wrench. Her hand is let go. LISA Ah, yes, officer, it is. Officer Oliver folds his arms. OLIVER Then why are you smashing it? LISA When I was a young school girl, I fell into a bad crowd, consisting of mostly older kids. (MORE)

3. LISA (CONT'D) They encouraged me to smoke, swear, and read Catcher in the Rye. Unfortunately, that destructive behavior has caught up with me, and here I am with my pants down. So to speak.

OLIVER Honestly? LISA No. My cars a piece of shite and Im taking out my rage on it. Oliver smiles. OLIVER Would you like a ride? LISA Oh. Police actually do that for people? Thought it was a myth. OLIVER It is -- if youre not an attractive woman. Oliver has a embarrassed grin when Lisa doesnt laugh. OLIVER (CONTD) Sooo... Lisa glances over her shoulder, as if hoping something else will come along. LISA ...Yeah, alright. Ill take you up on your offer. I got nothing better. Oliver steps over to his squad car and opens the passenger door. OLIVER Your chariot awaits. CUT TO: EXT. LISAS HOME - DAY Amidst the beauty of the English countryside is a house that looks like its been through a hurricane.

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Cracked windows, peeling paint, missing roof tiles, etc. Something like this would probably appeal to the Weasleys. Here Oliver stops his squad car. Lisa steps outside. LISA Hey, thanks for the ride, mister. OLIVER Its my duty. Lisa walks ahead. Just as she passes by Oliver, he puts out finger out to say something. OLIVER (CONTD) (hesistant) Im sorry, but... Lisa turns around and pauses. OLIVER (CONTD) Do you think I could have your phone number? Lisa looks skeptical. OLIVER (CONTD) Or if youre not comfortable with that your Facebook? LISA You already know where I live, dont you? Isnt that enough? OLIVER That your way of saying no? LISA Look. Im sorry. I have a boyfriend... Wait, no. Im not sorry. Why would I be sorry? Im quite pleased with my heterosexual relationship actually. OLIVER Oh, I see. Thats quite nice. Lisa smiles and playfully smacks the hood of Olivers squad car. Thats not a euphemism. LISA Come on, Mr. Romance, dont you have crimes to fight? (MORE)

5. LISA (CONT'D) Am sure theres some chavs waiting to be arrested right now...or illegal immigrants?

OLIVER Yes, those illegal immigrants. Theyre quite the trouble makers, arent they? Lisa tentatively nods. Oliver pushes up his cap, as if not knowing what more to say, and reverses his squad car off Lisas property. Lisa waves goodbye; he returns the gesture, and finally leaves. Lisa goes up to the FRONT DOOR of her house, and gets out her keys using a KEY-BAK. For the uninitiated a Key-bak is a round, disk-like object, which you attach to your keys. You pull on the end, and it feeds you an amount of cord, then you let it go, and it returns. Theyre quite popular with janitors. CUT TO: INT. LISAS HOME, MAIN FOYER - DAY Lisa enters her home. The decor is sparse, not very rich looking, but it has some sort of quaint, English charm to it. Light is filtering through the brown blinds of the closest window. Lisa lets out a deep breath and looks side to side. Seeing no one she appears pleased. LISA Well, isnt that nice? Ive got the place all to myself. She puts her hands on her hips and hears a voice in the nearby distance. This voice belongs to JON Fitch, a handsome yet garish young man. JON (O.S.) LISA! LISA ...John? JON (O.S.) Lisa! Is that you? LISA Yes, dear?

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JON (O.S.) I need to speak to you. Lisa takes a reluctant step forward. CUT TO: INT. LISAS HOME, 2ND FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY Lisa slowly, and reluctantly, walks up the STAIRS. She goes over to the room at the end, which has its door closed. She KNOCKS hesitantly. JON (O.S.) Come in. Lisa grasps the doorknob and turns it. CUT TO: INT. LISAS HOME, JONS DEN - DAY Lisa steps into a room, where there is a desk in the middle piled high with papers. Hidden behind it is a man making notes into a book. This is JON Fitch. LISA You wanted to see me? JON Have a seat. Lisa moves over to an old armchair and sits down, making a plume of dust come out. She coughs ever so slightly. JON (CONTD) I have some news. Would you like to hear the good news or bad news first? LISA Good, I guess. JON There is no good news. LISA Oh. JON Now for the bad news.

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LISA Okay. JON Lisa... The real estate market hasnt panned out as I had hoped... We might lose our home. Actually, technically speaking, its my home. I just say we out of habit. Lisa isnt sure what to say. Shes about to say something, but Jon interrupts. JON (CONTD) (interrupts) Lisa, I need you to get a job. Start picking up your slack. Okay? LISA But I have a job. JON Your work part time at Poundland. Thats not a real job. LISA It pays decent. JON Lisa. Dont you have any ambition at all? Wouldnt you rather be doing something else? Wouldnt you rather not be a mooch? LISA Im not a mooch. JON Okay. You are not a mooch. You are a leech. LISA Im not a leech. I contribute as much as I can, even if its only a little. JON I still want...need your help. LISA What about your job? Cant you ask them for a raise? (MORE)

8. LISA (CONT'D) You seem like a very important person, what with all your papers in here, making phone calls, and carrying off briefcases into night. (joking) Youre not an accountant for the Scottish Mafia, are you?

JON Youre such an idiot sometimes. LISA (mutters) Oh, be quiet. JON What did you say? LISA Erm, nothing. The towers of paper Jon is hiding behind, falls down. We see Jon for the first time. He is tall, dark and handsome, someone that any woman would (visually) desire. He stares with his unsettling, icy blue eyes. He stands up and walks over to Lisa, who is still sitting. She can do nothing but look up at him. He takes off his belt and holds it aloft, as if he is going to lash her. Lisa squeals, and covers her face, getting into a defensive position. JON Put my belt away, would you? Jon hands Lisa his belt. JON (CONTD) And go clean yourself up before dinner, hm? You look like a mess. CUT TO: INT. LISAS HOME, UPSTAIRS WASHROOM - DAY Lisa looks tired as she stares into the mirror. She splashes her face with water. Then she takes a face towel and starts removing her makeup. First she does her lips, then part of her cheek, and then around her eye. As she rubs gently around her eye she removes the makeup that is covering her bruise, her black eye. She is a victim of abuse.

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The black eye is a symbol of her depression. When she goes out she covers it up, and hides it away, and when she goes home it returns for her to see. Lisa finishes removing her makeup. She takes a comb and combs back her hair. She leaves the washroom. CUT TO: EXT. WOODSIDE AVENUE (USA) - DAY -> THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE APPEARS FOR THE OVER 60 CLUB <Your idealistic American neighborhood. Here is WOODSIDE AVENUE, a street lined with trees, blue skies, and sunshine. There is a school nearby, a day care, children playing outside, and a peculiar boy riding a typical red bicycle. We follow around this young chap named CHAD. He is wearing a bicycle helmet and knee pads, and is throwing out newspapers. Eventually, he gets to the end of Woodside Avenue, and comes to a monolith of a building -- this is a factory, the GM BUILDING to be exact. CUT TO: EXT. WOODSIDE AVENUE, GM BUILDING - DAY Chad stylishly brakes his bicycle, leaves skid marks on the ground. He looks up at the GM Building almost in reverence. He takes a newspaper, draws back his arm, and with great effort catapults it forward. He watches it travel in the sky. It lands smack-bang on the windshield of a nice looking, brownish, 1980-something OLDSMOBILE -- causing it to shatter and set off a car alarm. Chad appears panicked, in a moral dilemma. He sounds a bit like Jimmy Stewart. CHAD (speaking to self) Awww, sweet mother Marie! He nervously bites his fingernails. CHAD (CONTD) What do I do? What do I do?! He puts out his hands as if hes now got a grasp on something.

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CHAD (CONTD) Alright, Chad, calm down. You have to make a decision. Will you be a hero and take responsibility for what youve done, or will you be a coward and run away? Remember youre 13 years old, and in the eyes of Judaism that makes you a man. Chad has his palms out, gesturing them as if a scale trying to be balanced. CHAD (CONTD) (whispering) Hero, coward, hero, coward, hero, coward, hero... Hero. Chad nods his head firmly. CHAD (CONTD) Well, I think the answer is obvious... He gets off his bicycle, and with it, boldly steps forward. CHAD (CONTD) ITS NOT A CRIME IF YOU DONT GET CAUGHT! Chad turns around his bicycle, jumps, on and pedals off while laughing maniacally. CHAD (CONTD) AAARGH-HA-HA-HA! He rings his bell, which makes a sound that goes: Tring! Tring! CUT TO: INT. GM BUILDING, BANQUET HALL - DAY A banner that reads Congratulations! marks the banquet hall. Shiny lights shine down upon the heads of about-to-beretirees and their families, who are sitting upon the rows of cloth covered tables. Up ahead is a podium. Behind it a powerful yet gentle looking man, who, like all the others at this RETIREMENT CEREMONY, is dressed in a suit. He is surrounded by his equals on either side.

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CEO DAN, with his shiny bald head, puts his hand over his eyebrows like a visor and looks out into the crowd. He leans forward ever so slightly to speak into the microphone. He clears his throat as all eyes are on him. He glances down at a sheet of paper. CEO DAN Ladies and gentleman, it is with great pleasure and honor that I kick off this retirement ceremony. As I stand before you all, such wonderful, hard working folk, I can do nothing but smile. CEO Dan does not smile. Au contraire! CEO DAN (CONTD) Now, I know some of you arent looking forward to this. At all. Some of you think that retirement is the beginning of the end...a rapid descent into a dull, boring, listless life, full of incontinence, senility, and arthritis... An OLD LADY starts clapping. CEO Dan puts his hand out and cuts her off. CEO DAN (CONTD) Am not quite finished yet. Please. Hold your applause till the end. Once again there is reverent silence. CEO DAN (CONTD) As I was saying... Some people think retirement is the beginning of the end, but I am here to tell you its not. This retirement ceremony is here to mark the start of another wonderful chapter in your life. Just like when you first learned to ride a bike, when you had your first kiss, when you got your first car, when you graduated school, when you met your future wife or husband, when you started your family. Folks, this is a time to celebrate. CEO Dan slaps down his hands and smiles.

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CEO DAN (CONTD) Now! Lets get this thing rolling, huh! Get it? Rolling... He makes a rolling gesture with his index fingers. CEO DAN (CONTD) ...because this is a car company? The crowd is unmoved. They can only stare blankly. The Old Lady, however, thinks its an appropriate time to start clapping -- and she does. Once again alone. CEO Dan, frustrated, gives a dismissive wave of his hand. CEO DAN (CONTD) Bah! CUT TO: INT. GM BUILDING, BANQUET HALL - DAY GRADUATION MUSIC is playing. A man named PAT C is calling out the names of each new retiree, behind the podium. Meanwhile, CEO Dan is shaking everyones hand and handing them each a gold watch. PAT C (on the mic) Allan Sanchez. ALLAN SANCHEZ who is in a line, snaking around the banquet hall, goes up to the platform (where the podium rests) and meets with CEO Dan. He smiles. CEO DAN Congratulations, Allan. ALLAN SANCHEZ Gracias, seor. Me gusta tu cabeza. CEO DAN (confused) Uh...youre welcome! CEO Dan turns and reaches into a bin full of gold watches. He takes one out, and puts it onto Allan Smiths wrist, then shakes his hand. After this Allan goes to the other side of the platform, steps down, and returns to his seat. The next person is called up.

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PAT C Barney Smith. BARNEY SMITH is given the same treatment as he meets CEO Dan. CEO DAN Congratulations, Barney. BARNEY SMITH Thank you, sir. CEO Dan gets a gold watch and slips it on Barney Smiths wrist, and shakes his hand. Barney walks past and steps off the podium. The next person is called up. PAT C Thomas Tecumseh. SPUD (nickname to Thomas Tecumseh) now faces CEO Dan. Spuds looks can be described as Jeff Bridges or higher. CEO DAN Congratulations, Thomas. SPUD Actually, they call me Spud. CEO DAN Spud? SPUD I like potatoes. CEO DAN Uh-huh. CEO Dan gets a watch and places it on Spuds wrist. Spud excitedly pulls away his arm before it can be shook. He looks at his watch in amazement. SPUD Oh, wow! Spud bites his watch. CEO DAN Why are you biting your watch? PAT C (announcing) Alvin Tran -SPUD Testing to see if its real gold.

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CEO DAN Its gold plated. Alvin Tran, standing just behind, stretches out his neck to see what the hold up is. SPUD What? Its not made out of pure gold? CEO Dan makes use of air quotes. CEO DAN No. Its a gold watch. We cant afford to give out real gold watches. Do you know how much the price of gold is these days? Its $1,600 an ounce. Pat C looks over at Spud and CEO Dan, waiting for them to finish. SPUD So? Is that too much for a loyal employee? CEO $10,000 for a lot of money; watches these DAN wrist ornament is a nobody even uses days.

Spud pulls up his sleeve and shows CEO Dan his Timex watch, which is sitting just about his newly acquired gold watch. CEO DAN (CONTD) Let me clarify. Im not talking about people with one foot in the grave already -- alright? SPUD Are you calling me old? Everyone in the banquet hall is staring anxiously. CEO DAN Well, you aint no spring chicken. Spud glares. SPUD ...What is this watch made out of? Beneath the gold plating.

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CEO DAN Uh, steel? SPUD Not even silver? CEO DAN (shakes his head) Not even silver. SPUD NOT EVEN SILVER! THIS WATCH ISNT EVEN MADE OUTTA SILVER?! Ive worked for this company for over 40 years and all you skinflints can do is shell out for a gold plated steel watch for my retirement?! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! CEO Dan is speechless as much as everyone else. The hall becomes dead silent. After a good long gawk, they start chattering amongst themselves. There is an older woman at a table near the front, darting her eyes, looking left and right, like shes worried or embarrassed. The seat beside her is empty. She has her fingers on her mouth, not sure what to say. This is Spuds wife, JANENE. She is a plump lady, with curly white hair, and a red sequined blazer... Grandma-like, I guess. The person beside Janene, CHERYL, gives her two cents on situation to her husband. CHERYL If I was that mans wife, Id be really embarrassed. Now Janene is metaphorically and literally sweating. Now, back up to the platform, CEO Dan is gesturing for Spud to stay calm. CEO DAN Okay, okay, I hear yah. No need to get upset. I understand. Just please calm down. SPUD Dont tell me to calm down! I will not be calmed down! You should be the one that is calmed down! (MORE)

16. SPUD (CONT'D) I gave up my youth to be a wageslave and you cant even give me a genuine gold watch!

CEO Dan takes out his wallet and opens it up. CEO DAN Look, pal. How bout I give you a couple bucks, and you cool your jets, and call it a day, huh? Spud smacks away CEO Dans wallet. SPUD What do you take me for? A cheap hooker? CEO DAN (annoyed) Okay, Ive had enough. CEO Dan points his thumb back. CEO DAN (CONTD) Get your buns outta here. Youre not welcome anymore. SPUD (crosses his arms) And what if I refuse to move? CEO Dan rolls up his sleeves, ready for action. CEO DAN Ill throw you out -- personally. SPUD Ha! Id like to see you try! CUT TO: EXT. GM BUILDING, PARKING LOT (AKA CAR PARK) - DAY Spud is looking quite a without out in the parking lot with wife Janene. He is through the window, into the banquet hall. He has scowl on his face, watching everyone celebrate him. Theyre dancing! SPUD Could this day get any worse? Spud turns around to his wife.

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SPUD (CONTD) Come on. Lets get outta here. Spud and Janene walk ahead. They come up to Spuds car, which is a brownish, 1980-something OLDSMOBILE -- with the windshield smashed in by a newspaper. He first looks at it bewildered, and then plain angry. SPUD (CONTD) Awwwwwwwwww, hell no! Who the -- ! What the -- ! Son of a -- ! Spud seems at a loss for words as he throws his hands into the air, but not like he just doesnt care. JANENE You can swear if you want. SPUD No. I made a promise to my mom, I would do less effing and jeffing. JANENE Shes passed away. It doesnt matter anymore. SPUD Janene! That makes it matter even more! Im honoring the memory of my mother! Spud sighs. He breathes through his clenched teeth. He rubs his forehead like hes got a headache. JANENE Well, look on the bright side, dear. At least you got a free newspaper out of it. Spud removes the newspaper from the windshield of his car. He reads the front. The bold headline screams: TAX HIKES COMING AS GOVERNMENT SEEKS TO PAY OFF DEBT. JANENE (CONTD) What does it say? SPUD It says: Get your ass in the car. Were going home. JANENE Really now?

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SPUD Something like that. CUT TO: EXT. CHIPS PAWN SHOP IN THE GOOD OL DAYS - DAY A young, handsome, black man is on a ladder, hanging up a banner which says: GRAND OPENING. When he finishes, he comes down, steps back, and looks at it proudly. His hands are on his hips. Then out of nowhere a brick, wrapped in paper, smacks the shops front glass. But it bounces off and falls onto the ground, only leaving a crack. Chip looks around for the perpetrator. No one is to be found. He picks up the brick, and unwraps the paper. He squints and reads it aloud. CHIP (reading) Go back to Africa, nigger. Chip coolly crumples the paper and throws it away. CHIP (CONTD) Well, I never taken advice from a brick before; am not about to begin. He goes inside. FADE TO: EXT. CHIPS PAWN SHOP - DAY A big, yellow poster, with bold black lettering marks todays final event: Closing down! 50% off everything! (Negotiable.) The glass on the shop front is still cracked. It hasnt even been repaired. CUT TO: INT. CHIPS PAWN SHOP - DAY A swarm of people are browsing the pawn shop, looking for bargains. ELISE, Chips wife -- Chip the owner of this pawn shop -- is chatting with a potential customer.

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Elise is a jolly black woman, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the great Oprah Winfrey. At this moment... The chimes over the front door ring. A grimacing man in his early 30s, almost 7 feet tall, dressed in a black trench coat, and leather boots that look like theyre made for kicking ass, enters the pawn shop, carrying a long, plain, closed box within his arms. BIG MO pushes through the people, and goes up to the glass counter, which is holding an assortment of miscellaneous objects, from watches to comic books, and stands before CHIP, the proprietor of this very fine establishment, who is beside a register. Chip is very much the opposite of Big Mo. He is an elderly black man, of modest stature, and owner of one Bill Cosby style sweater. He has puffy white hair and a charming set of freckles. He puts downs down the newspaper he is reading, looks up and smiles. CHIP Hellooo, can I help you? BIG MO I have something here that may interest you. Big Mo puts his box on the counter. CHIP Sorry, Kojak, am not buying anything today -- or any other day for that matter. BIG MO And why not? CHIP Im retiring. Im shutting down shop. I recommend you pick something up while its 50% off. Whats left is going up on eBay. You ever heard of this eBay? BIG MO It sounds familiar. CHIP Well, either way, have a look around; see if you find anything of interest.

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Chip goes back to his newspaper -- but Big Mo is still standing there. Chip puts his newspaper down and looks up once again. BIG MO ...Do you have Battle Toads? CHIP Why does everyone keep asking that? This is not a pet shop. We dont have toads. Big Mo taps his fingers on the counter, like hes thinking. Chip looks annoyed. CHIP (CONTD) Id prefer it if you didnt tap my glass. BIG MO Cmon, just take a quick peak at my box, huh? Chip relents with a sigh. CHIP Alright. Ill take a peak at your box. He opens Big Mos box. He looks at its now revealed contents with intense curiosity, and he seems quite pleased. CHIP (CONTD) Well, Ill be darned. Chip lifts out a 1950s RED RYDER BB GUN. He inspects it from end to end. CHIP (CONTD) This is the exact same model I had as a kid. BIG MO Guess the sentimental value must be through the roof, huh? CHIP Five bucks. Ill give you five bucks. BIG MO You kidding me? Five bucks? What can I buy for five freaking bucks?

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CHIP When I was growing up five bucks was a lot of money. It could buy two dozen eggs, a sack of potatoes, a wooden ladder, a haircut, a pair of jeans, and a cow. BIG MO This aint the roarin 20s, gramps. You gotta gimme more than five bucks. CHIP Alright. Fine. If it works, Ill give you $50.00. Big Mo brightens up. CHIP (CONTD) But if it doesnt work -- no soup for you, huh! What do you say to that? Are you a betting man? BIG MO Hmmmm... Okay, you got yourself a deal. Big Mo and Chip shake hands. Chip takes the Red Ryder BB Gun, loads it up with pellets, which are inside its box, and pumps the lever. CHIP Now, all I need is something to shoot. Holding the Red Ryder in one hand, Chip finds a marker, takes the cap off with his teeth, and then draws a target on his newspaper. He hands it to Big Mo. CHIP (CONTD) Would you mind? Big Mo takes the target and stands at the back of the store, and holds it out. CHIP (CONTD) Here we go. Chip wets his finger and tests the non-existent wind in his pawn shop. After that he aims the Red Ryder. He pulls the trigger.

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EVERYTHING goes BLACK and a SCREAM is heard. CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR KENNY GREENS OFFICE - DAY The source of the scream is revealed as an old woman in a doctors office. The doctor, Kenneth KENNY Green, a Jewish fellow in his 80s, pulls back his patella hammer away from his patients knee. (Note: A patella hammer is a plastic triangular hammer used to test your reflexes.) The old woman CARLENA holds her knee cap and scowls. She kinda looks like dame Helen Mirren, although Im sure she wouldnt be appreciate being called and old woman. CARLENA Do you hafta do that so hard? KENNY Sorry! I did it like I normally do. KENNY looks smug and he flexes his arm. KENNY (CONTD) I guess I still have it. CARLENA The only thing you have is arrogance. KENNY Im not worried. Its not a disease -- is it? CARLENA Lets cut to the chase, doc. What are you gonna do about my aching joints? KENNY Um... Advil? CARLENA Advil! Thats your magical cure? Mankind has been able to invent a pocket computer and all you can do is prescribe me Advil?

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KENNY You dont need a prescription for Advil. (whispers) Its over the counter. CARLENA Why are you whispering? Kenny shrugs. Carlena gets off the examination table and walks over to her jacket, which she puts on. KENNY So, Carlena, will you be coming to my retirement party? CARLENA (pauses) Youre retiring? Well, Ill be -KENNY Ive delayed it for over 15 years now. I think its time. Kenny takes off the stethoscope around his neck and places it down on the counter by the sink. He sits down on his chair. Carlena goes over to him and puts her hand on his shoulder. CARLENA Hey. Just enjoy yourself, huh? No need to feel guilty about relaxing a bit. Youve been a doctor for almost 60 years. Youve probably saved hundreds of lives. Youve done so much for society. Youre like the opposite of a politician... Or a lawyer. Or a Somalian pirate. KENNY Thanks, Carlena. CARLENA No problem, Kenny. CUT TO: EXT. TWILIGHT STREET, RAYS HOME - NIGHT A bright, blinking, red fire truck speeds down an unfortunately named street called Twilight Street.

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There is a man hanging onto the back in a full out firemans uniform. He looks a bit old to be a firefighter, but he is in relatively good shape. He looks like Bruce Willis. Because everyone loves Bruce Willis. But its not Bruce Willis; its RAY Smith. The fire truck stops in front of Rays home -- unbeknown to the viewer -- and lets him off. He hops onto the driveway, and with an axe, in full gear, charges toward the door. He kicks it open with his boot, then rushes through the smoke that is flowing outside. CUT TO: INT. RAYS HOME, MAIN FOYER - NIGHT Ray runs with his axe toward the source of smoke, which is coming from the living room. CUT TO: INT. RAYS HOME, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Ray bursts into the living room, wielding his axe. RAY WHERES THE FIRE?! His 30-something, man-child son, who is dressed like hes on tour in a rock band, figuratively jumps out of his seat. TED drops his bong. He is the source of smoke. His smoking has stunk up and obfuscated this quaint, little living room. He looks at Ray and lets out a deep breath. He holds his chest. TED Jesus Herman Christ, dad! You scared the living Bejesus out of me! RAY Dont you take the Lords name in vain! Ted fumbles to pick up his bong. RAY (CONTD) What is that? TED Um...nothing?

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Ray puts down his axe and takes the bong away from Ted. RAY Ted, are you smoking pot? TED Mary Jane, Reefer, Chronic, Jamaican Grass, Dope, Ganja, call it what you want, but the preferred term these days is trees. RAY Ted, I will not -Ray goes to the window and opens it. He goes back to sofa, where Ted is. RAY (CONTD) I will not have my son smoking illegal drugs in my house. Not only is it illegal, not only does it smell like ass -- its bad for your health. TED Not if you have cancer and its medicinal. RAY I know you dont have cancer. TED Cmon, dad. Im in my 30s. I think you should allow me to make my own decisions. RAY Doesnt matter. My house, your moms rules. Okay? TED Where is mom, by the way? RAY Are you that high? Ray takes off his firemans helmet, revealing a terrible combover. Then again I guess all combovers are terrible. RAY (CONTD) I already told you: shes in Cuba, trying to assassinate Castro.

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TED I thought he died. RAY Theres more than one Castro. TED I did not know that. RAY Anyway, I want you to quit... Ray points to the bong. RAY (CONTD) ...this. No more, okay? TED Dad. Id like to tell you that Im going to quit, on the heels of your lecture, but I simply cant lie to you. I am going to continue smoking my pots and pans once youre out of sight. RAY You know, there is such thing as too honest, right? TED Look -- dad. I know youre worried because of all those PSA ads youve seen, but I assure you Ill be fine. I wont become a deflated balloon, okay? And plus you should be proud of me. RAY Why? TED Because smoking marijuana for me isnt just about getting high. Its a political protest, dad. Im rebelling against an oppressive government, a nanny state that is trying to take away our rights to choose what we want to put into our own bodies. Basically, Im an activist.

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RAY You know what you sound like? You sound like those college girls who go off and have wild sex, and orgies, and then say theyre doing it in the name of feminism. How? How are those two things related? How is having lots of sex gaining rights for women? TED What are you getting at? RAY Im trying to say youre both, excuse my language, full of it. Doing bad things and making up excuses. Which we both know are false. Am I insane here? Is any of this making sense? TED Dude, can I have my bong back now? RAY No. I am not giving it back. If I cant make you quit, then Im going to mildly inconvenience you. TED You of all people, I cant believe is against marijuana. You were a teenager during the 1960s. RAY I was never a hippie. I was a straight-A student, I never smoked, or drank, I never partied, I went to church every Sunday, I didnt eat meat on Fridays, and I saved myself for marriage. TED Wow. You had a really boring life, didnt you? RAY Boring life? Im a fireman. TED Not anymore. You havent been a fireman in over two years! (MORE)

28. TED (CONT'D) Im surprised the guys at the station still humor you, and give you rides like youre some sort of child.

RAY Im not a child! TED Youre someones child. RAY Hey, I wouldnt speak, mister. Youre in your 30s, living with your mom and dad. While I appreciate the company, Id prefer it if you got a steady job, and had a place of your own. TED Hey. I do have a steady job. RAY You do? TED Im a moderator on a website called Reddit. If youd like to add me, my username is: QGYH...3. RAY And do you get paid for being a moderator? What exactly do you do? TED I delete things as a I see fit, and I get rewarded with imaginary internet points, and a false sense of power, and self-satisfaction. Very much like masturbation. RAY But do you get paid? Ted stands, frustrated. TED Money, money, money. Is that all you can think about? I have other things down the pipeline too, you know. RAY Like what?

29.

TED Ive been studying no-gi Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Ted gets onto the ground, onto his back, and puts himself an open-guard position. His arms and legs look like theyre ready to grab onto someone. TED (CONTD) Come into my open guard -- it is like a spiders web! RAY What is this? TED I will punish you with my gogoplata! RAY Please get up from the floor. Youre scaring me. TED Dont you get it, dad? Im going to become a martial arts instructor! Thats where all the money is nowadays, what with the UFC and all. RAY Id rather you do something else. TED Oh, dont worry about that. I have many different life plans up my sleeve. Did you know that Im a writer? RAY Really? TED Yes, and Im quite good too. I would describe my style as a mix between JD Salinger and Stephenie Meyer. An odd congealment, I think, but they go together, dont they? They both appeal to neurotic teenagers. RAY I see.

30.

TED Would you like me to read you a poem I wrote, dad? Or perhaps a fable? RAY Um.... Ted takes out a sheet of paper from his pocket and readies to read. TED This poem is called: Why?! Ray stares blankly. TED (CONTD) (reading loudly and vigorously) WHY?! Why does the wind blow the way it blows? Why do we have ten and not six toes? Why do we have such a loud voice? When the thing is we have no choice? Why does my heart ache every time I see you? Why does my bum hurt every time I take a poo? Why, why, why, oh, Gerald? Come let me be your herald! Ray starts to slowly back away as Ted continues read. TED (CONTD) Woe is me! Cant you see? The way you touch me feels like when I have a pee! Strings and arrows! My big eye narrows! Come and let us join our hands! Ray is by the STAIRS. He is awkwardly walking backwards up each step, step by step. TED (CONTD) Harry Potter! Hermione, her! Why doth you do me do? Why must she cut me knife, when all I want heterosexual wife?! Ray is almost out of sight. TED (CONTD) Oh, ho, ho! Oh no, no! Why, why, why, I feel like I must die! (MORE) I sought like you like a is a

31. TED (CONTD) Little boy blue, man on the moon, the boy who cried wolf, let me drink your tears, father, hold me tight, I have much, much fears. Brutus and Caesar, Candice and Weezer... Et tu, Brutus?

Ray is out of sight. Gone upstairs. CUT TO: EXT. TOWN OF WICKHAM (MASTER SHOT) - DAY, MORNING FOUR SEASONS by VIVALDI plays. Night changes into day. The SUN rises over the Town of Wickham in the US of A. The fluffy, white clouds blow past, and mark the beginning of a lovely bright day. A white rabbit comes out of its warren, and hops across the grass over to a tall oak tree. At this moment, a red squirrel runs up, and disappears into the leaves. On its branch a bluebird chirps. Flowers upon the ground open up. A bee lands on a dew covered echinacea -- and a newspaper crashes into it. The wheels of a bicycle blow by. Young CHAD is on his daily run, throwing out his newspapers. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Here lies a living room, pink, and flower, decorated by an old lady, or a sensitive man. In the middle of the beige carpet floor is the body of Spud Tecumseh. He is spread out like a star fish. His eyes are pointed to the ceiling and not once blinking. It looks like hes dead...and we think hes dead. That is until the end of a broomstick pokes him in the ribs, and he reacts to who is poking him. It is his wife, JANENE. Spud groans as hes poked. JANENE Why are you on the floor?

32.

SPUD Im sooooo bored. Retirement sucks. JANENE Just be thankful youre not in a retirement home. SPUD At least in a retirement home Id have someone to talk to. Janene frowns. Spud grins. SPUD (CONTD) Present company excluded. Of course. JANENE Why dont you go out and do something, if youre so bored? SPUD Like what? JANENE Maybe you could go out for a walk? Visit the local duck pond? SPUD ...You want me to spend my entire day walking around and hanging out at a duck pond? JANENE Or you could help me clean up around here. Youd be surprised how much dust -SPUD Alright, alright, Im going. Spud gets up to make a hasty get away. CUT TO: EXT. DUCK POND AREA - DAY A quaint duck-filled pond is adorned by a wooden bridge that spans across gentle water.

33.

The bridge itself is marked with age, but it retains its dulcet mood with HILLS behind it, and TREES, which make up a tiny forest. Between the trees is a trail that leads to who knows where. Coming out of this trail -- Spud, and he is carrying a bag of Wonderbread. He is taking his time, leisurely walking toward the bridge. Eventually he gets there. He finds a spot he likes where he is positioned in front of a cluster of ducks. He opens his bag of bread. He takes out a couple of slices and places the rest on the floor of the bridge. He rips off pieces of bread and throws it to the ducks. As they gobble it happily a stone is tossed between them, making them scatter, and fly away. Spud looks to the side and sees a group of rowdy kids making their way up the bridge. To be exact there are six older teenagers. Five boys, and one girl. And they are all dressed like wangsters (Americas equivalent to chavs), dressed up in dark hoodies, and baggy pants. They have wallets on chains, cheap piercings, and where visible, tattoos against a backdrop of pasty white skin. They are each marked, in some way, with an anarchy-style symbol. But instead of a red letter A, the letter Y. This marks their membership to the Y-GANG. Their (nick)names are: DICKO, SNAKE, SAM, RICK, BILLY and KRIS. Kris is the imposing of are but his distinctive gangster girl. Dicko, the tallest and most the bunch, is the obvious leader, while the rest lackeys. However, they each have something about them.

They stop in front of Spud and stare him down. Or up, as they are rather short. DICKO YO! Spud turns and looks at Dicko and his little lackeys. DICKO (CONTD) Youre in our spot -- faggot. SPUD What? Theres enough room for the all of us.

34.

DICKO (imitating Spud, poorly) What? Theres enough room for the all of us! SPUD Thats not how I sound. DICKO (imitating Spud) Thats not how I sound. SPUD Alright. Never mind. Im going. (grumbles) Its just a stupid duck pond anyway. Spud picks up his bag of bread. He takes a step opposite to Dicko, but Dicko and his lackeys surround him. They each have on a shit eating grin. Who grins when they eat shit by the way? DICKO Where you going, old man? SPUD You told me to leave your spot, wise guy. DICKO Dont talk back to me like that. Respect your elders. Spud makes an attempt to humor his way out. SPUD Yeah, I think Im way ahead of you on that one, huh? DICKO Shut up. SPUD Hey. Whats your problem? DICKO I SAID SHUT UP! Youre worthless and nobody loves you! LISA (V.O.) This young man here named Dicko has some parental issues. (MORE)

35. LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D) Hes taking out his frustrations on ol Spud, who somehow resembles the people that he hates in life.

SPUD Huh? Dicko takes Spuds bag of bread and throws it into the water. Spud takes a step forward... SPUD (CONTD) Now, see here, you -...But Dicko stops him by taking out a knife. Its shiny and new, like this is the first time its been taken out. He touches it to Spuds nostril. It causes a tiny cut, making him bleed. Spud ever so subtly gulps. SPUD (CONTD) What-what do you want? Money? I have some change in my pocket left over from when I bought my bread. Its not much, but you can probably buy a Cherry Blossom. Dicko is silent. He slowly retracts his knife, and turns away, making Spud think that he is going to leave. But then he Dicko whips back around and jumps out at Spud, psyching him out. Spud gets spooked and puts up his hands defensively. Dicko and his lackeys laugh. Their laughs are the most irritating laughs you ever heard, like Hyenas on drugs. Dicko puts away his knife. DICKO Hey, old man. Spud doesnt respond. Hes trembling. DICKO (CONTD) Whats the matter? Why aint you saying anything? You scared? SPUD No. DICKO I think youre scared. Dicko puts a finger as if getting a new idea.

36.

DICKO (CONTD) Hey, I know whatll relax you. A nice, hot bath. (looks at the others) What do you guys, think? Should we give our friend here a nice, hot bath? KRIS Yes. Hed like that, wouldnt he? Spud looks out at the water. He knows whats going to happen. He burst through the circle, and makes a run for it, but they catch up to him and have him closed off at either end. SNAKE Where you going?! Were only trying to help you out! RICKY Youre a filthy old man! We want to clean you up! Billy picks up a stone and lobs it at the back of Spuds head. Spud tilts forward, becoming dizzy, and losing part of his balance. DICKO WOOOOO! Great shot, Billy! One in a million! BILLY (like a wolf) Ow-ow-ow-owooooo! Spud stumbles toward Kris. She stands in his way. KRIS (whispers) Im sorry about my friends. (glances in the distance) You better get going now. Kris steps out of the way. It looks like the two have an understanding. SPUD Thank you. Spud goes past Kris, and it looks like Spud is going to make it out as he goes past her -- but then she tackles him down when hes not looking.

37.

KRIS Ha-ha! I got the codger! DICKO, SNAKE, SAM, RICK, BILLY and KRIS grab Spud. They lift him up like hes a feather, then, as he squirms, they toss him into the water. Splash! He goes under and then surfaces. He thrashes for a moment, and starts swimming opposite to the bridge. While swimming the gang of kids try pelting him with whatever they can find, stones, pebbles, sticks, etc. Fortunately most of them miss. Spud glances over his shoulder, which get hit with a pebble. He turns his head forward, back to the shore. His eyes go wide as ever. They flash with flames. CUT TO: EXT. VIETNAM COUNTRYSIDE, ALONG THE WATER - NIGHT It the time of the VIETNAM WAR in the 1960s... The Tet Offensive... Its RAINING cats and dogs. The only light is from the orange moon. Spud is a young man, wearing a helmet, dressed in army gear. He is wading through the water of a calm river, carrying a rifle above his head. Following him are his troops. They arrive at the shore and lower down into a defensive position. Spud looks side to side, scanning the area with his eyes. He puts his finger on his nose, telling them not to make noise. The troops he sees in disappear, There is a follow his lead, anxiously. As Spud marches ahead his peripheral vision one of his men suddenly dropping into the ground through a false floor. bloodcurdling SCREAM.

Everyone runs to the source of noise. Spud looks down and sees the man in the hole, CLARENCE punctured with dirty bamboo spikes, bleeding like nothing else. Tears are rolling down his cheeks. What life he has remaining in him is rapidly draining. CLARENCE (crying) Mommy, I want my mommy!

38.

SPUD Shhh, shhhh! Its okay. Well get you out. Just relax. Okay? Youll be okay. (to the others) Get me a rope. Meanwhile, off in the cold, dark distance, in the foliage, a set of eyes are watching Spud and his troops. Foggy breath from it arises. Back to Spud and his troops. Spud has lowered down a rope, with a loop at the end, to Clarence. Clarence, in both senses, is barely hanging on. TERRY glances down the hole. TERRY I dont think this is gonna work. SPUD Will you shut up? What other choice do we have? (to Clarence) Hang on. Okay? Clarence makes an incomprehensible utterance. He is trying to say something but the words arent coming out. The look on his face is wary and fading. Now, the eyes from earlier, watching Spud and his troops, suddenly comes out from the darkness. The VIETCONG SOLDIER yells and chucks a grenade after pulling the pin with his teeth. TERRY GRENAAADE! Spud and his troops instinctively dive out of the way, but, the reaction being last second, a good amount of them get hit. The Vietcong Soldier busts out his M63 machine gun and starts blasting anyone who is standing. Several go down. Others head for cover. Spud, who is on his belly, beside a fresh corpse takes aim with his rifle. SPUD Steady -When the Vietcong Soldier is in his sights he squeezes the trigger. However, the rifle is jammed, nothing comes out. Spud whacks his rifle in frustration.

39.

SPUD (CONTD) (whispering) Goddamn you. Then at this moment the Vietcong Soldier picks off the last of Spuds troops and starts marching ahead. He picks up provisions and supplies from the dead American soldiers, looking at their luxurious oddities -- like cigarettes. Spud lays still, watching this theft. SPUD (CONTD) (whispering to self) Play dead, Spud. Play dead. He lays beside a dead comrade and plays possum. He pushes his rifle aside to avoid attention. The next second, the Vietcong soldier, lays his boot down and stands before him. Spud does his best to keep his breathing shallow. The Vietcong Soldier, miraculously, walks past him. The Vietcong Soldier stands at the edge of the water and pauses to smoke, taking out a cigarette, and puffing it under the moonlight. Spud gets up, ever so carefully, and takes out his standard issue knife. He sneaks up behind the Vietcong Soldier, and, with a scream, wraps his knife-wielding arm around his throat. Before he can slit his throat WE RETURN TO THE PRESENT. CUT TO: EXT. DUCK POND AREA - DAY Back in the present. Spud comes to the shore of the duck pond. As he is about to get up -- a foot kicks him back into the water. Dicko and his lackeys are blocking his way. DICKO Why dont you stay a bit longer, old man? Enjoy the ducks up close. Spud is halfway in the water, on his hands and knees, unsure what to do. He is breathing hard through his mouth. He attempts to get up again, and once again, by Dicko, is kicked back down.

40.

He gives it a third try, with the same result, and they chuckle at his misery. On the fourth time, Spud is enraged. He clenches his hand into a fist, and proceeds toward the hooligans. Dicko lifts up his leg, preparing for a kick. But then a voice calls out to them. CHIP (O.S.) HEY! BUTTHOLE! WHY DONT YOU LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE? They all look. Chip is standing with his Red Ryder. He holds it up for them to see. CHIP (CONTD) I have a gun, you dirty punks! And Im prepared to use it! Chip aims his Red Ryder. He squints as his vision is not too great. Dicko and his lackeys look back. They look confused, even a bit scared. However, they start walking toward Chip. CHIP (CONTD) I told you! I have a gun! They keep on coming. CHIP (CONTD) Theyre not buying it, Chip, you fool. You got a plan B? (thinks) When they get here -- start swinging. Chip smacks his Red Ryder in his hand, and then holds it like a bat. Dicko and his lackeys march up to him and hold their ground in front. DICKO Well, well, well,look who showed up. The rusty negro. Chip pulls his Red Ryder. CHIP Last warning. I know how to use this thing.

41.

DICKO (sarcastic) Im sooo scared. CHIP You should be. Im quite skilled with the bo-staff. Chip twirls his Red Ryder while making sounds like Bruce Lee. Then suddenly Dicko and his lackeys turn the other way and start running off. CHIP (CONTD) Ha! Run away, you cowards! The non-football hooligans are gone. Chip looks pleased as punch. CHIP (CONTD) I knew I was a bad-ass, but this is much more than I expected. He pauses for a moment. CHIP (V.O.) (thinking in head) I hope there isnt someone standing behind me and that was the actual reason why those teenagers ran away. Because that would be a blow to my fragile ego. Suddenly a voice chimes in. It is quite peculiar, as it sounds an equal mix of Ye Oldey English and American. OFFICER JIM (O.S.) (clears throat) Good job, old timer -- but I think I had a little something to do with it, dont you think? Chip turns around and sees OFFICER JIM and his police cruiser. Officer Jim, who is in his 30s, is a magnificent beast, standing at over 6 feet tall, with barrel chest and broad shoulders. Officer Jim twirls his gun and places it back into his holster. CHIP Yes. Well, thank you very kindly, officer. Officer Jim looks at Chips Red Ryder and shakes his head.

42.

OFFICER JIM I dunno what you were thinking. Did you really think you could fight em off with your fancy stick? CHIP ...Maybe OFFICER JIM With all due respect, sir, a person of your advanced age, who wants to defend himself, should really get a gun. CHIP Hrmm... OFFICER JIM Trust me on this one. It doesnt matter how strong the guy youre facing is as long as you have a loaded gun. Even if hes a world class fighter, who can bench press 500 pounds, a weakling with a pistol, and decent aim will always be able to defeat him. Hell. He could probably defeat a couple of them if wanted. CHIP Im sorry, but I prefer bravery over technology. OFFICER JIM Well, sir, if Im honest -The radio in Officer Jims police cruiser interrupts him: (Distorted radio sounds.) Jimmy boy, you there? We got a 1054 on 11th Avenue. I repeat a 10-54 on 11th Avenue. OFFICER JIM (CONTD) Oh, no. I knew this day would come! Officer Jim runs to his cruiser and jumps in. He takes off before Chip knows whats going on. Chip turns his attention to where it was before. He sees Spud, soppy and miserable, stumbling toward him. CHIP Hey, mister! You alright?

43.

Spud doesnt respond. His gaze seems empty and distant. Chip walks toward him, though somewhat hesitantly. Then two meet. Chip gives Spud a look, and sees the huge bloody bump on the back of his head. He touches it with two fingers. SPUD Ow! CHIP We gotta get you some ice for that. CUT TO: INT. PARTY ROOM - NIGHT Ice cubes drop into a glass of cola. A BARTENDER named JACK, who looks to be in his late 40s, hands Kenny his drink. KENNY Thank you very much, young man. JACK (confused) Uuh, youre welcome. Kenny goes into his pocket and takes out a quarter. He puts it on the counter and slides it over to Jack with a single finger. KENNY Thats for you. JACK A quarter? KENNY (smiling) You earned it. JACK The usual tip is a dollar. KENNY Sorry. You think you deserve a whole dollar? For pouring sugar water into a glass and dropping in ice cubes? Took you less than 10 seconds to do it. JACK I have to make a living, you know.

44.

KENNY But you get good pay, sir! Lets say you got a quarter for every Coke you poured, and it took you ten seconds on average. One hour divided by ten seconds. (doing math in his head) Thats $90 an hour! You cant live on $90 an hour? JACK Yes, but you see, I dont pour drinks all the time. I have to stand around, waiting for people to come around and buy. Its not going to work out to $90 an hour. KENNY But me, as individual, is paying you $90 an hour. Its not my responsibility for what other people do, or how you run your little stand here. Jack sneers. JACK You people are all the same. KENNY Oh, because Im a Jew?! Is that it? The cheap, dirty, rat Jew? Cant spare a penny?! You anti-semite! JACK Calm down. Im not an anti-semite. I was talking about old people. KENNY Oh. Okay. Yeah. Theyre kinda stingy. Kenny leaves the bar like nothing happened and walks through the room. The room which is filled with an assortment of people, celebrating old Kennys retirement. There are balloons and sparkly decorations everywhere. Kenny sees Carlena standing by a wall, with her hands folded. He goes over to her. KENNY (CONTD) Your drink. He gives her the glass of cola. Carlena takes a sip.

45.

CARLENA Ah, thank you. Kenny leans on the wall with her. KENNY So... CARLENA Hows your divorce going? KENNY (sighs) Not too bad. Its my fifth, so I know what Im doing. CARLENA Its a shame, isnt it? After all this time you havent settled down and found your soulmate. KENNY Maybe my soulmate is closer than I think. Kenny winks. CARLENA Kenny. Im not your soulmate. KENNY Are you sure? CARLENA Sure as a sheep eating grass. KENNY Oh, cmon. Im single. Youre single. Lets be single together. CARLENA That doesnt make any sense. Plus youre not single yet. Youre still going through the separation process, arent you? KENNY Never mind. Forget I said anything. Kenny starts walking away. CARLENA Kenny. Where you going?

46.

KENNY Gonna take a little break, Carlena. Dont worry. Ill be back. CUT TO: EXT. PARTY ROOM BUILDING - NIGHT Double doors swing open and Kenny comes outside. He leaves the (plain) building in which his party is held, he walks down the parking lot, and finds an empty spot under a tree. He sits down and takes out a head lamp. He puts it on his head and turns it on. Then he goes into his pocket, retrieves a pocket book -- the Wonderful Wizard of Oz -- and starts reading it. He reads for a bit, then turns the page. His facial expressions match every line he reads. Sometimes surprised, sometimes annoyed. KENNY Oh, Scarecrow, wont you ever get a brain? You stupid-idiot. As Kenny turns a page he pauses when the point of a gun is put in his face. Kenny puts down his book and looks up. He sees the hoodlum. Its... DICKO. But he is hard to recognize, since he has on shades and a bandana around the lower of his face. Otherwise he looks the same. DICKO Get to your feet. Kenny slowly stands up. DICKO (CONTD) Whats that book youre reading? KENNY The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. DICKO Put it on the ground. Kenny puts the book on the ground, near his feet. Dicko cocks his gun and shoots a hole in it. DICKO (CONTD) Thats what I think of books. KENNY I feel sorry for you then.

47.

Dicko presses the gun against Kennys temple, scaring him. Kenny has his hands up in submission. DICKO Did I ask for your opinion?! Did I?! (in German) What do you have to say for yourself?! Kennys eyes widen as he is taken back to a memory from his past. CUT TO: EXT. AUSCHWITZ, 1940S - DAY Its the last stop before the infamous Auschwitz concentration camp. The trains have stopped on the railroad tracks. Everyone is being separated. A NAZI OFFICER has his gun pointed in a little childs face. This is Kenny as a young boy. He is holding onto his mothers leg. Her name is NATASHA. NAZI (German) Let go of your mothers leg right now or Ill shoot you! KENNY (pleading in Polish) No, no! I dont want to go! I dont want to leave my mommy! Natasha is trying to keep it together. Shes caressing her sons head to calm him down. NATASHA Go on. It will be fine. Mama will be fine. Well see each other later. Kenny looks up. The Nazi Officer takes him by the arm, and starts dragging him off. He then puts him with the others. As Kennys back is facing, the Nazi Officer marches back to his mother, Natasha, and raises his gun. He shoots her in cold blood in the head. Her body drops to the ground with a thump. Kenny slowly turns around and sees her now corpse. He sees the blood running from her forehead, flowing into the ground.

48.

The look of horror on his face is in describable, but what he doesnt know it will get worse. The innocence in his eyes seems to have vanished. They are glassy and gazing. CUT TO: EXT. PARTY ROOM BUILDING - NIGHT Returning to the scene of the crime, in present day... By the tree, Dicko still has his gun against Kennys blank staring face. DICKO Hey! Whats the matter with you? You deaf? Dicko pulls the slide on his gun. Kenny remains silent, then he trembles and starts wetting himself. The urine runs down his pant leg. Dicko sees it and steps back in disgust. DICKO (CONTD) Oh, God! Did you just wet yourself?! Kenny starts crying. Dicko glances over his shoulder and sees some people walking through the parking lot. DICKO (CONTD) Ill get you later, you disgusting.... Ugh! Dicko jets and disappears. Kenny looks down and sees the mess he had made. CUT TO: INT. PARTY ROOM - NIGHT The Its My Party (And I Can Cry If I Want To) song is playing. Kenny walks in, dragging his feet, crying, with his soppy pants. Those near the entrance clear away and stare at Kenny, seeing somethings wrong. Theyre whispering amongst themselves, but cant be heard because of the music. CUT TO:

49.

INT. RETIREMENT HOME, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY The retirement home is ablaze. Smoke is gushing from the large room ahead. A band of firemen, whose names we dont know, are carrying a hose, running through the hallway. They get into the large room and start spraying their hose. The noise of the water shooting can be heard and then the bright orange light and smoke subsides. CUT TO: EXT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY A TV CAMERA is positioned in front of the charred retirement home. A news-reporter named YVONNE has a microphone and is interviewing Officer Jim. Officer Jim is shaking his head. OFFICER JIM Were not sure who threw in the Molotov cocktail -- but a witness, luckily, has already come forward, and we have a preliminary sketch of one of the suspects. Officer Jim holds up a sketch to the camera. Its a sketch of someones back, running away. One of those youthful hooligans. To be more specific it is: SNAKE. His trademark clothes are distinctive, recognizable -- but only to us. The sketch of Snake shows his gang symbol on his jacket, which is the letter Y in blood red, wrapped up in a circle. YVONNE Thats it? A drawing of someones back? OFFICER JIM Were trying our best. If anyone has information on this hoodlum, please let us know. YVONNE And how should they contact you? OFFICER JIM Our department recently got a Twitter account. (MORE)

50. OFFICER JIM (CONT'D) If you know anyone involved in this crime, hashtag crimestoppers at --

Ray, in his firemans uniform, appears in the background and interrupts Officer Jim with his loud voice. RAY (waving) Wait! Waaait! He runs to the front, to be in the front of the TV Camera. RAY (CONTD) (waves) Hi! Im ready for the interview! YVONNE And you are? RAY Ray Smith. Firefighter. OFFICER JIM (mumbles) Retired firefighter. RAY No! Im not retired. Ive simply moved over to volunteer status. Im still a firefighter technically. OFFICER JIM And how did you help today as a volunteer firefighter? RAY I hooked up the hose to the fire hydrant. OFFICER JIM How brave. RAY Dont patronize me. I have 30 years of experience under my belt. I helped save our beloved church from going up in smoke. OFFICER JIM When was this? RAY Easter. 1990.

51.

OFFICER JIM 1990? Wow. How old was I back then? (adjusts his cap) Six? I dont even remember that happening. RAY I remember... Ray suddenly looks glassy eyed like hes in another world. Yvonne waves her hand in front of his face to get his attention. YVONNE Hello? Mr. Smith? Ray shakes his head and comes to. RAY Yes, Im sorry. What were we talking about? YVONNE I forget. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Spuds tube TV suddenly turns off, ending the news program. Sitting beside Chip, he slams down his remote control. There is SPUD Its a bloody crime wave, I tell you. First the bridge, now this. Worlds gone outta control, Chip. CHIP I was watching that yknow. Spud stands angrily. SPUD You know why this is happening? CHIP Go on. SPUD Because todays kids are raised by electronic baby sitters: video games, and TV, and the interwebs. (MORE)

52. SPUD (CONT'D) But the problem is these things have no filters. They have corrupted society for the sake of a quick buck. Nowadays young people dont care about anything. Or anyone. Theyre self-centered. All they think about is getting the next new gizmo, or becoming famous, or getting rich, or doing sexual activities before marriage. Its wrong, I tells you.

CHIP I think youre being a tad judgmental. SPUD Am I? CHIP Yeah. The younger generation aint so bad. I got a set of grandkids. Lemme tell you they bring me nothing but -SPUD (interrupts) Misery! I knew it! I knew it! Those youngsters are good fer nothing! Spud shakes his fist. SPUD (CONTD) Damn you, generation Y! You and your lack of morals, and your violence, and your promiscuity, and your, uh, your, uh -- your slap bracelets! CHIP ...Okay then. Spud sits down. Just then JANENE enters the living room. She is in an apron, wearing oven mitts. The tip of her nose has a smidgen of flour. CHIP (CONTD) (looks) Oh, hello, Janene. JANENE Hello, Chip. Is my little Spud raving like a lunatic again?

53.

CHIP No, I dont mind. He reminds me of my grandfather...when he had a brain tumor. Chip grins. SPUD (sarcastic) Ha. Ha. Very funny. (to Janene) By the way when are those brownies gonna be done? My bellys rumbling like a fat man coming down the stairs. JANENE Sorry but these brownies are for my book club. SPUD Youre in a book club? JANENE Mhm. Were having a meeting soon, so you two will have to make yourselves scarce. SPUD Cant we join? JANENE Sweetie, dont take offense to this, but...do you even read books? SPUD Ive read A book. JANENE What book? SPUD Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. JANENE When was this? SPUD 1989. I was backpacking across Europe. I believe I was having a mid-life crisis or something of that nature.

54.

JANENE (skeptical, thinking) Hmmm... The DOORBELL rings. JANENE (CONTD) (flustered) Ah! Theyre here, theyre here! You two hafta go now. SPUD Why? JANENE The presence of two strange males is going to make them uncomfortable! (gesturing) Now, go, go, cmon! Spud folds his arms. SPUD I refuse, Janene. I will not be thrown out of my own home. And thats final! CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE - DAY Spud and Chip are sitting on the steps outside. Chip is eating a brownie. SPUD This sucks. CHIP At least we got brownies. SPUD You ate mine. CHIP I was hungry. Chip finishes his brownie and dusts off his hands. SPUD Bah. Them and their book club. Whats so great about a book club anyway? It sounds so boring. (MORE)

55. SPUD (CONT'D) A bunch of old ladies discussing the latest Oprah approved novel. Pffffffft.

To the side, through the front window, we see Janene, Elise (Chips wife), and the rest of the book club dancing around, having a hoot. Spud turns his head to the window, suspiciously, and the curtains suddenly close obscuring his view. He turns his head back. Chip is twiddling his thumbs. CHIP So, got any plans for the day? Spud thinks, then snaps his fingers. SPUD I know! We should start our own club! CHIP A book club? That sounds a fun. SPUD No. Not a book club. A CLUB. CHIP Like where you go dancing and rub your groin against strangers? SPUD No, no. Like... The Mickey Mouse Club. But cooler. CHIP And what will we do in this club? SPUD Drink beer. Talk smack. Watch TV. Do what men do best. CHIP (joking) Do what men do best? So -- well be masturbating a lot, will we? SPUD Ew! Gross. That is a gross joke. It isnt even a joke... Also, even if I wanted to, I dont exactly have full use of all my appendages. If you know what I mean.

56.

CHIP We should get you some pills for that. SPUD Never mind my ED. Lets get this thing rolling. Spud stands. CHIP Wherere we going? SPUD To make posters! CHIP For what? SPUD To recruit members! Duh! The value of a club is defined by its members. We need to find a good set of members. Some real cool cats. Maybe an astronaut or an eccentric billionaire... What do you think? Chip looks skeptical, but then stands to his feet. CHIP (nods) Count me in. SPUD (triumphantly) Then off we go to the office supply store for some markers and sparkley glue! Spud takes a steps forward. But suddenly a newspaper comes out from nowhere and smacks him in the head. SPUD (CONTD) Ow! He rubs his head. SPUD (CONTD) Damn it! A bicycle bell RINGS. CHAD (O.S.) Heads up!

57.

Spud picks up the newspaper and waves it angrily. SPUD (to Chad) Dont you know how to throw newspapers, kid?!? Spud throws the newspaper. It lands somewhere between two and three feet away. Chip looks at it like hmmmm. SPUD (CONTD) (to Chip) Dont get me started. Im having a bad week. Chip puts out his hands, palm facing out, in submission. Like, Okay, whatever you say. Spud lets a deep breath. CUT TO: EXT. WOODSIDE AVENUE, SOME CORNER - DAY A lone UTILITY POLE sits on the corner of Woodside Avenue. A hand (belonging to Chip) staples on a poster for their club, which does not yet have a name. Clip art, and BOLD LETTERS beckon people around the neighborhood to join. However, there is a catch -- TRYOUTS are required and you must be over the age of 60. A phone number and address are listed. Above this poster is ANOTHER POSTER. This poster is a humorous one. There is a picture of an odd looking cat, surrounded by handwritten words, that say: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAT? BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME. CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE - DAY A line (queue) of people, of various shapes and sizes, are waiting in front of Spuds house. It snakes all the way to the back, right into the backyard (garden). CUT TO:

58.

EXT. SPUDS HOUSE, BACKYARD - DAY Spud and Chip are sat behind a table, staring at whats ahead of them. They each have a clipboard with a paper and pen. SPUD A lot more people than I expected. CHIP How many people did you expect? SPUD Uh... Zero. CHIP Thats not very optimistic. SPUD What can I say? Im a realist. Keepin it real, yo. Spud hit his chest twice, with his fist, and gives a peace sign. Chip is embarrassed. He cautiously pushes down his hand. CHIP Try not to do that in public. Marvin, a potential club member, who comes bearing two wooden canes, plaid clothing, platform shoes, and shoulder length hair (except in the middle where his bald spot is), clears his THROAT, getting Spud and Chips attention: AHEM! CHIP (CONTD) Oh, hello. MARVIN Hello. SPUD Your name? MARVIN Marvin McGovern! SPUD And why do you think you deserve to be in our club -- which has yet to be named? What is your X-factor? Spud and Chip both rest their chins on their folded hands, in a contemplative manner.

59.

MARVIN Im strong. I can protect you. Im much more powerful than I look. I can kick like you aint not never seen. Are you familiar with the deadly Korean Martial Art Taekwondo? Also known as TKD? SPUD Um... MARVIN Allow me to demonstrate. Marvin goes uncomfortably close to Spud and Chips table, and demonstrates his kicks, each time saying HIYAH! The looks on their faces are highly confused. SPUD Excuse me, but -MARVIN (interrupting) Alright! Stand back, everyone! Marvin gets back and spreads out his arms, creating space. MARVIN (CONTD) Its about to get real! Amazingly he does a butterfly kick, for which everyone claps, and then he does several back handsprings, and at last does a back flip -- right into the back fence. He crashes through it like a cartoon character and lands with a KEERASH! Everyone is aghast. Spud looks concerned for a moment. SPUD ...NEXT! CUT TO: EXT. THE SKY - (ALMOST) NIGHT An airplane, marked British Airways, is flying through the air. As it cuts through the clouds the light of the retreating sun shimmers against it fuselage. On this airplane is LISA WATTS. CUT TO:

60.

EXT. LA STYLE STREET - DAY Spud, Chip, Ray, and Kenny walk down the street in choppy, slow motion -- Reservoir Dogs style. Theyre dressed in nice, crispy suits. Spud and Chip have on sunglasses. Everyones name pops up on screen in yellow text; to each face is a name. And the walk is going fine...until Ray trips over a pothole. Hes falling. Slowly, so slowly. You can see his facial expression of terror. He knows hes going to fall, but his arms cant seem to get out in front of him fast enough. The others see it too and also cannot do a goddamn thing. Unfortunately, Ray is about to go splat. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, BASEMENT - DAY The basement is plain, not so appealing, full of cardboard boxes, and dust. However, it serves its purpose. Chip, Ray, and Kenny form a semi-circle before Spud. Ray has bandage wrapped around his head. Spud is sitting behind a desk with a Walnut and a meat mallet. SPUD Hear ye, hear ye! We are gathered here today to begin our very first club meeting! Let us now begin! Spud smashes the walnut with his mallet. The flying pieces make the others wince. SPUD (CONTD) The first and most important order of business... Snacks. Who will be in charge of purchasing snacks? Kenny raises his hand. SPUD (CONTD) No, Im sorry. I have to refuse. KENNY Why? Because you think Im a stingy Jew, is that it? You anti-semite.

61.

SPUD No. Im not anti-semitic. Youre a doctor. Youre probably gonna make us eat carrot sticks... And carrot juice... And carrot cake... I really dont like carrots. KENNY I promise wont do that. Ill definitely splash out for Funyuns and Mr. Pibb. RAY Is Mr. Pibb based on a real person? KENNY I think so. Because Ive met a Dr. Pepper before. John Pepper. RAY Hm. SPUD Guys, lets get back on topic. NOW, we need to come up with a name for our club. We cant keep calling it the club. I mean its arrogant. Theres more than one club in the world. Just off the top of my head, I can think of at least three. Uhm, The Mickey Mouse Club. Fight Club. The Mickey Mouse Fight Club. CHIP (snaps fingers) I know. Lets call our club: Cool Runnings. RAY That movie was awesome. SPUD Were not calling it Cool Runnings. We need to come up with our own original name. Okay? KENNY How about Club Med? Because Im a doctor, you see. SPUD No. Thats already taken. Club Med already exists.

62.

RAY How about Hells Angels? I dont think theyre using that name anymore. I havent seen them in the news lately. SPUD Even if that were true, Ray -were a club, not a biker gang. CHIP Well, genius, do you have any ideas of your own? SPUD Listen. We need to come up with a name that says what were about. It needs to describe who we are and what we do. Its like a mission statement for a company. Everyone is thinking, really thinking. RAY ...So, what do we all have in common then? KENNY Im a Jew. Anyone else here a Jew? Kenny looks around. Everyone else shakes their head no. KENNY (CONTD) That is a shame. RAY Um, well, I watched Fiddler on the Roof, if that counts for anything. KENNY Mmmmmm, Im gonna say no. CHIP Hey. I grew up on a farm. Farm, food, food, everyone eats food. Lets name our club after something food or farm related. Whaddaya think? SPUD Thats a bit too broad. We need to make it exclusionary.

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RAY Why do we have to make it exclusionary? SPUD All good clubs exclude people. If you let everyone in, then its not a club, or at least its a crappy club. Take for example, the Klu Klux Klan. If they let in black p... Chip is giving Spud a death stare. Hard to do as he is always smiling. SPUD (CONTD) ...Pool tables that would be terrible. CHIP Nice save. RAY (sits up) Im adopted! Maybe we can use that for something. I know its a stretch, but we can all relate to that feeling being lost and like we dont belong, right? CHIP My mom and dad met when they were 18. They were married happily until they both died. I had a wonderful family, who loved, and accepted me for who I was. There was never a day, growing up, when I was lonely or unloved. RAY Yeah, okay. Never mind. SPUD (sighs) This is going nowhere. (frustrated) What do we all have in common, that isnt too esoteric, too broad, or too religious? Spud looks at everyone. He locks his eyes onto them, studying the details of their old faces, their wrinkles, their lack of hair, their age spots, their jittering teeth, all the things which show the world how long they have lived.

64.

Before anyone can answer... KENNY Were old. Were retired. Were all over the age of 60. Thats something. Isnt it? We have life experience. Me more than the rest of you actually. Not that Im bragging. CHIP (snaps fingers) I know! I have the perfect name for our club. Everyone looks in anticipation. Chip spreads out his jazz hands. CHIP (CONTD) The Old Farts Club. RAY Chip, I must say, youre really on the ball today. KENNY I agree. Its a good name. Its descriptive, it rolls off the tongue easy, and its funny. As you know we Jews have a thing for funniness. CHIP (pointing to self) What about us? Were funny too. KENNY Not as funny as Jews. CHIP Oh yeah? Knock, knock! RAY Whos there? CHIP Orange. RAY Orange who? CHIP Orange you glad to see me?

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Ray laughs hard. So hard that he wheezes. Its a knee slapper for him -- and only him. Chip folds his arms, looking smug. CHIP (CONTD) Mhm. KENNY Its not that funny. Spud bangs his mallet thrice on the table to get everyones attention. SPUD Cmon. Lets get back on topic. We need a name for our club. RAY We already have a name. SPUD I will not be referred to as an old fart. KENNY Fine. Lets put it to a vote. All in favor of the name The Old Farts Club raise your hand. Kenny, Chip, and Ray raise their hands. KENNY (CONTD) All opposed? Spud raises his hand. KENNY (CONTD) There you go. SPUD I dont care if you all want the name The Old Farts Club. Im not going to institute it. CHIP And who made you king of the world? SPUD Im not king of the world, but I am club president, and I have the final say on all matters. RAY Okay. So, youre club president? What about the rest of us?

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SPUD You are my loyal followers. KENNY ...Boo! Someone throws a crumpled piece of paper at Spud. He ducks out of the way. But then when he sits up... SPUD Now, guys, throwing thing isnt going to --

...an eraser hits him in the forehead. He looks stunned. Mortified. Then Ray stands and makes a megaphone of sorts by putting his hands around his mouth. RAY Office supplies fight! Suddenly Spud, Ray, Chip, and Kenny are (playfully) throwing office supplies at each other. Ducking, and bobbing, and weaving, they are avoiding the onslaught of pencils, pens, erasers, staplers, shredded paper, calculators, three hole punches, etc. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Janenes hands are knitting a striped, burgundy and deep yellow scarf when there is a frenetic ringing of the DOORBELL. She puts down her needles and gets up. She starts making her way to the door. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, BASEMENT - DAY Spud, Chip, and Kenny, are standing around Ray, who appears to be unconscious on the floor. They are fretting big time. SPUD Oh, God, Kenny. Why did you throw that office chair at Ray?! KENNY I said heads up. Once you say heads up youre not legally responsible.

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CHIP (to Kenny) Wait a minute... Cant you treat him? Arent you a doctor? KENNY Im a general practitioner damnit, not a nurse. SPUD Okay, calm down, everyone, just calm down. We need to think. We need a plan...what to do? CHIP Wait a minute... Why dont we just call the ambulance? SPUD Where do you think I got all these office supplies from?! CHIP You stole office supplies from the hospital? SPUD They charge $40 for a freaking bandage. I think Im justified in my petty revenge. AS the boys think what to do, sounds of someone WALKING down the basement STAIRCASE is heard. SPUD (CONTD) Aw, crap, someones coming! Hide the body! CHIP The body? Hes not dead yknow. SPUD Whatever. Chip finds a blanket and covers Ray. Then Janene appears. JANENE Oh. Hello, boys. CHIP AND KENNY Hello, Mrs. Tecumseh!

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JANENE (to Spud) Tom, theres someone here to see you. Upstairs. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - DAY The doorbell continues ringing. Spud arrives to the main foyer, and looks through the peephole. He opens the door. He looks down. There is a GIRL SCOUT selling cookies. The cookies are stored behind her on a red wagon. The Girl Scout speaks with a bit of a slobber as she has on a retainer. She waves happily to her potential customer. GIRL SCOUT (fast talking, spritely) Greetings, senior citizen of this very fine community. How would you like to purchase a quantity of official Girl Scout cookies from an official Girl Scout? On sale for a limited time only! SPUD (looks dumbfounded) ...What? GIRL SCOUT (slow) Do you want to buy some cookies? SPUD Um... GIRL SCOUT We have 8 different types. SPUD Im sorry. I cant. I... Health concerns. GIRL SCOUT Oh, but our cookies are quite healthy. SPUD Is that so?

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GIRL SCOUT Theyre full of vitamins and minerals. SPUD How many? GIRL SCOUT Two or three. Lets go with three. SPUD No. Im sorry. The Girl Scout gets on her knees and starts pleading with clasped hands. GIRL SCOUT Oh, please! Please buy some cookies! For the love of God! If I dont sell enough cookies the Girl Scout leaders will beat us! SPUD Really now? The Girl Scout gets up. GIRL SCOUT Alright, I lied. But you should buy a box, if you care anything about my welfare, because theres a monkey whos been stalking me. (whispers) Hes Canadian. SPUD A Canadian monkeys been stalking you? GIRL SCOUT Yes and hes been stealing cookies from me. As we speak Im in the red. Ive had to sell Coke on the side to make up for it. Spud shakes his head. SPUD I cant believe a young girl like you would lie just to make a sale on a box of cookies. What happened to the good ol days when kids were kids, and people were actually decent?

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GIRL SCOUT The good ol days? You mean when racism was acceptable? When women were discriminated against? And homosexuals had next to no rights? SPUD Youre focusing too much on the negative. The Girl Scout looks behind. There is the monkey, in its winter coat, getting its hands on a box of cookies. Spud looks surprised. The monkey grabs what he can and runs off. GIRL SCOUT Not again! The Girl Scout pulls her wagon and runs after the monkey. GIRL SCOUT (CONTD) Get back here, you rotten, thieving monkey! SPUD Hmph, I guess she wasnt lying. Spud steps back into his home, and begins to close the door. BUT then a foot stops it from moving any further. This foot is wearing brown, worn, military-style, leather boots. SPUD (CONTD) What the -- ? A head sticks through the crack of the door. This very fine face belongs to the retired boxer named MARC Cromwell. There is a smile on his fat, jolly face. With a belly to match. MARC Hiya, pal! How you doin? Spud looks a bit alarmed. He pushes the door forward to no avail, against Marc who ever so slightly worms his way forward. MARC (CONTD) I hear you have a little club going on. Im quite interested in this idea.

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Spud looks over his shoulder, hoping someone else will appear. MARC (CONTD) What I mean to say is -- Id like to join. SPUD Unfortunately, were all booked up. MARC No more room? Spud shakes his head. SPUD No more room. MARC No exceptions? SPUD If my own mother came back from the grave, and asked to be in my club, I would say no. Then I would shoot her in the head for being a zombie. MARC Wow. Thats harsh. Spud nods. MARC (CONTD) Welp, guess I better be hitting the ol dustry trail then, huh? SPUD Goodbye. Marc looks sad. MARC Goodbye. He turns around and leaves with his head hung low. Spud closes the door and starts heading back for the basement. CUT TO:

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EXT. SPUDS HOUSE - DAY Marc is walking away from Spuds house, but then he stops dead at the sidewalk, and turns around. He stares for a good moment. After that moment is over, he poses his body as if about to charge -- then he charges. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - DAY Spud pauses when he hears a strange noise, the sound of running footsteps and a screaming voice, which seems to be coming from the outside. As he looks on, body angled just so, the front door suddenly goes WHUMP! A portion of it cracks and splinters outward, as if someone had took a battering ram to it. Spud goes to the door and touches the damage. He opens it and looks out. Suddenly his eyes go wide and he steps back. Marc Cromwell rushes ahead with an ear piercing scream, and at an uncontrolled speed runs into Spuds house. He crashes into something, but being off-screen, all we hear is the cacophony, which includes the sound of breaking glass. Spud winces. Then a moment after Janene screams.. SPUD Aw, crap. CUT TO: EXT. FOREST - DAY This is the forest by the duck pond. Here in a cozy area, cleared of tress, Spud, Chip, Ray, and Kenny are gathered around in a circle, sitting upon logs. In the middle of them is where a fire should be. But the flames are not burning. SPUD I cant believe it. kicked me out of my I paid for. And for a bunch of strange, dangerous, men into alleviate boredom? My own wife own house that what? Inviting potentially our home to

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CHIP Yah, sounds about right. SPUD Dont get me started, Chip, youre on thin ice. The ice is so thin I can see the fish, and theyre hungry. CHIP What are you talking about? SPUD I dunno. Im bummed out, okay. RAY Why dont we go to the duck pond? Spud gestures no way with his hands. SPUD Are you crazy? Are you off your rocker? We are not going to the duck pond. RAY And might I ask why not? Spud hesitates. CHIP Some kids bullied him on the bridge. SPUD I was NOT bullied! I was assaulted... CHIP By children! SPUD What did I say about you being on thin ice? Hmm? CHIP Relax no ones judging you...to your face. SPUD Im telling you these werent regular kids, guys. They were in a gang or something. They looked jazzy and stuff.

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RAY Fine. We cant go to a duck pond, but can we at least do something? Lets light a fire and roast marshmallows, huh? KENNY I already told you its illegal. We are not permitted to burn campfires in this forest. Of all people, Ray, you should know. Shame on you. Shame! Ray hangs his head low. CHIP Take it easy, Kenny. Ray doesnt -Suddenly Marc jumps out from the trees and makes a surprise appearance, startling everyone. MARC HEY, YOU GUYS! The gang looks to see who it is. MARC (CONTD) Missed me? SPUD (low volume) Oh, God. MARC Whats all this I heard about bullies? SPUD Please. Leave us alone. MARC Oh, cmaaaaan. It was an accident. I didnt mean to ruin your wifes Troll Doll collection SPUD (to self) Troll Doll collection? MARC Let me join your club and Ill prove my worth. Spud shakes his head no.

75.

MARC (CONTD) Please? Pretty please? CHIP Why dont we give him a chance? SPUD (thinks) Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... Nah. MARC Dont you have any sympathy for me at all? Did you know that my home got burnt down the other day? RAY Oh, no. MARC Yep, yep. Some kids threw a Molotov Cocktail into my room. Barely escaped with my life. And things havent been the same since. All the people at the retirement home have changed. Everyones afraid of being burnt to death...especially the Catholics. Kenny nods. MARC (CONTD) So, that being said, itd nice to be able to spend my time with some guys, who just wanna get down, let loose, and have crazy, awesome fun. Whaddaya think? SPUD ...May we deliberate for a moment? MARC Deliberate away. Spud, Ray, Chip, and Kenny huddle around in a circle, away from Marc. He watches eagerly as they whisper. SPUD (whispering) This guys crazy. Lets make a run for it. KENNY Run? I can barely walk. Ive got more hip pains than Shakira.

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CHIP I think we should give him a chance. I like the cut of his jib. RAY What is a jib? CHIP Its short for jiblets. KENNY Actually, I think its a nautical term. CHIP And what do you know about this particular subject matter, Kenny? KENNY I traveled on a sea vessel for 20 days to escape the clutches of a crumbling Nazi Germany. I picked up a couple things on the way, if you know what I mean. CHIP To be honest, I dont know what that means. SPUD Lets get back on topic, okay? Whatre we gonna do about you know who? Spud glances at Marc. Marc waves. RAY Lets just tell him the truth. SPUD That hes insane and should be put into a mental asylum? RAY Not exactly. Spud, Ray, Chip, and Kenny whisper amongst themselves for a bit more, and then break up their huddle. Spud turns around to face Marc... SPUD Okay, Marc, weve decided that -...But Marc isnt there.

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SPUD (CONTD) Whered he go? RAY I guess he couldnt face another rejection. Poor fella. SPUD I am glad hes gone though. Suddenly Marc reappears. He is pulling along a slim, young man that is sporting a rad Mohawk, torn jeans, a jeans vest, and black leather boots. TIMMY struggles against Marc, who is surprisingly strong, and has him in a headlock. TIMMY Let me go, you fart knocker! MARC (to the others) You know how you couldnt go to the duck pond, because you said you had a bullying problem? Welp, Ive caught one of them. So, this one wont be bothering us any longer. SPUD Um... MARC Have I redeemed myself? Can I join the club now? TIMMY This is a club? Everyone looks so old, and wrinkly, and smelly. Anyone need a diaper change? Ive practiced on my son. RAY You have a son? TIMMY I think its my son. MARC (to Timmy) Will you be quiet? What did I tell you? Marc squeezes Timmy even harder, making his eyes bulge.

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CHIP I think youre hurting him. SPUD Let the kid go. Hes not one of the bullies. Alright? MARC He is! Hes a hoodlum! Hes in a gang! I caught him spray painting the bridge. KENNY What did he spray paint? MARC Something vulgar. KENNY Like? MARC A giant dick. CUT TO: EXT. DUCK POND AREA - DAY We see the bridge. On the face of it is a giant spray painted caricature of RICHARD DICK NIXON. CUT TO: EXT. FOREST - DAY Back to the boys. Spud, Ray, Chip, and Kenny are faced with the crazed Marc, who has a young man named Timmy in a firm headlock. SPUD Really? He spray painted a giant dick? MARC Sure did. Caught him red handed. TIMMY Im innocent, I tells you. I was holding that spray paint can for a friend!

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SPUD We think you should let him go. MARC But, but this is how I redeem myself. SPUD LET. HIM. GO. MARC FINE. Marc lets go of Timmy. Timmy steps away, and angrily wags his pointing finger. TIMMY Youre a piece of shit, you know that? I hope you die of a heart attack! And I hope your wife gets AIDS, and your dog gets run over by a truck, and your kids get kidnapped by an Austrian dungeon master, and all your brothers and all your sisters get cancer, and everyone you love dies in the collapse of a Bangladesh clothes factory! Timmy spits on Marcs face. Marc reacts to this by slowly turning toward him. Then he touches phlegm upon his cheek and looks at it using his 1,000 yard stare. He wipes it off with a handkerchief from his pocket. TIMMY (CONTD) (anxious) D-dont act like you didnt deserve it. Marc takes in a deep breath. He looks at the boys, Spud, Chip, Ray, and Kenny. They can only shrug. Marc turns his head back to Timmy. MARC (to Timmy) Are you aware that I used to be a boxer in my youth? TIMMY That so?

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MARC But now I am retired, and have taken up the lucrative practice of witchcraft and wizardry. I am a powerful wizard, young man, and am apt to teach you a lesson in manners, using my power of course. Marc picks up a wand-like branch from the ground and points it at Timmy. MARC (CONTD) PETRIFICUS TOTALUS! Nothing happens, and Timmy can only stare blankly. Then all of a sudden Marcs flying fist barrels toward his face, knocking him out, down to the ground. He falls with a WHUMP! Spud, Ray, Chip, and Kenny look to be in shock. Marc pumps his fist triumphantly. MARC (CONTD) (to self) Still got it! Marc looks to the others. He smiles smugly. MARC (CONTD) Welp, I think you have to let me join your club now. I got rid of your bully. No response. Just blank staring. MARC (CONTD) What? Was I not thorough enough? Dont worry, Ive another spell up my sleeve. Marc walks over to the unconscious Timmy, and lifts up his foot for a head stomp. MARC (CONTD) AVADA KEDAAAVRA! The world seems to slow down. Spuds face says no. He runs over to Marc, and tackles him down. Everything returns to normal speed when Timmys precious skull is saved just in time. Spud and Marc are awkwardly on the ground, entwined, face to face, nose to nose.

81.

Marc grins. MARC (CONTD) I should warn you, if you dont let me join your club itll only get worse. SPUD Fine. You can join. But if you act like a creepo one more time youre out. MARC You worry too much. Marc sits up. MARC (CONTD) Alright, lets go have some fun! I have a bow and arrow, and an apple! Kenny pulls on his collar. CUT TO: EXT. DUCK POND AREA - DAY Outside of the forest we find it is a bright and sunny day. Few clouds in the sky, a light breeze, and birds fluttering around. Tweet-tweet! they say. Everyone is busy having fun. Ray is skipping on the bridge. Chip and Marc are playing catch. Kenny is doing tricks with a yo-yo, while Spud is kite running. He nears the hills, cleverly called DUCK POND HILLS. CUT TO: EXT. DUCK POND HILLS - DAY Spud runs up the hills, and lets go of his kite. He continues along then tumbles down, gently, onto a checkered blanket, where everyone else is. He, Ray, Chip, Kenny, and Marc, are lying down, relaxed, staring up at the clouds. Spud lets out a satisfactory breath.

82.

SPUD Ah, what a perfect day. Isnt it the perfect day? I mean the suns out. The grass is green. There are no annoying kids around, and my ibuprofens just kicked in. Its days like this that make you forget that our country is actually going down the shitter. RAY, CHIP, KENNY, MARC Mhm! Suddenly a RINGING is heard! Spud lifts a Motorola DynaTAC -aka the brick phone -- up to his ear. SPUD (into phone) Hello? Through the speaker of the mobile phone we hear the incomprehensible rant of an irate woman -- Janene, Spuds wife, chewing him out, giving him an earful. At the end of it, when there is silence, Spud HANGS UP. SPUD (CONTD) (to the others) Guys. I hafta go. CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE - DAY (LATE, SUN GOING DOWN) Spud is at the front door of his house. He reaches into his pants pocket to take out his keys. He pulls at them but theyre stuck, maybe on a piece of string. SPUD (struggling) Bloody hell. Its stuck on a string or something. Spud gives a last tug and the keys come flying out of his pants pocket and land on the doorstep. When he bends over to pick them up the door swings open. Janene has her arms folded and is staring down. Spud looks up with a mix of emotions, partly afraid, partly embarrassed. He picks up his keys and dangles them.

83.

SPUD (CONTD) They were stuck in my pocket. I couldve opened the door on my own. He returns his keys to his pocket. JANENE Where were you? Do you know how late it is? SPUD Its 8:00 PM. JANENE You were supposed to be back hours ago. SPUD I stopped over at the bar. Janene shakes her head. JANENE Get in here. I dont want any of the neighbors to see this. Spud steps inside the house. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - DAY (SUN GOING DOWN) Janene has her fists clenched and is staring dead ahead. Meanwhile Spud avoids eye contact like a child. JANENE You think youre a real player, do you? SPUD Thats the last thing I think I am. JANENE But you still think it? It might be last, but the thought is still there, isnt it? SPUD I dunno. No? Janene starts breathing heavy. Her eyes are welling up with tears. Spud touches her shoulder.

84.

SPUD (CONTD) Janene, I... She brushes it off. JANENE Shes waiting in the living room. SPUD Oh. JANENE Im gonna go take a nap. Dont wake me up. Spud slowly nods. Janene turns away from him -- but then turns back and slaps him across the face. She marches off upstairs. Spud rubs his now reddened cheek. INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY (SUN GOING DOWN) Spud peeks out from behind the wall, like a little kid, and shyly looks ahead. A sweet voice responds. This is the voice of LISA WATTS. LISA (O.S.) Hi! SPUD Are you...? LISA (O.S.) J-just as nervous as you are. Actually. SPUD I see. Lisa gets off the sofa, and stands up to greet Spud. She smiles a beautiful smile with her curly lips. Her skin is as fair as snow, and she has hair the same color as spun honey. Her eyes are a light, hazelnut brown. She extends her hand for a handshake. LISA Its a pleasure to finally meet you. When Spud goes in for a handshake, Lisa pulls him in, and gives him a great, big hug.

85.

SPUD Uuuh, thanks. Lisa lets go. She smiles again, looking at Spud. It is an enticing smile. Her teeth are perfectly white and straight. Her lips curl at the corner ever so slightly. SPUD (CONTD) Sooo... Is this your first time in America? LISA It is actually. Ive been to Canada before though. SPUD Eeh, thats not the same thing. LISA Why dont we sit down? I have so many questions to ask you. SPUD Oh. Okay. Sure. Lisa and Spud sit down on the sofa. The face toward each other as best as possible. LISA My first question is: Do I have any brothers or sisters? Ive always wanted a little sister. SPUD Im sorry. As far as I know youre my only child. LISA Am I? Spud nods. LISA (CONTD) Whys that? Why havent you had any other children? SPUD Jeez. I, I wanted to be more financially successful, okay? And, you know, me and young people dont really get along in the first place.

86.

LISA Choppy waters ahead for us then, huh? SPUD No, no. I meant like babies. I cant stand babies. LISA You dont like babies? SPUD Just the ugly ones. LISA Is that a joke? American humor? SPUD Um... Sure, yeah! Why not? Lisa nods. SPUD (CONTD) So, um, well, um, how long will you be staying here? LISA As long as it takes. SPUD To do what? LISA Bond. SPUD James Bond? LISA No. I meant bond as in bonding as daughter and father. SPUD Yeah. That makes a lot more sense. LISA So... Lisa pats Spuds knee. LISA (CONTD) ...Shall we begin? CUT TO:

87.

INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LISAS BEDROOM - NIGHT Carrying a piece of luggage, Spud flips on the light, and then he and Lisa enter the bedroom. It is a quaint, little bedroom, as quaint as anywhere else. It is brightly colored, adorned with affectionate decorations like things that say home sweet home and is filled with stuffed animals, dolls in particular, and many, many toys for children. The bed in the middle is a wooden bunk bed. The blanket is a quilt made out of various patterns. Yet somehow they match. SPUD Well, heres your bedroom. Whaddaya think? Spud puts down Lisas luggage. Lisa looks around. Looks at the dolls, their black beady eyes. LISA Its nice. I sense a bit of a childrens theme? SPUD Janenes doing. She was hoping Id cave in to her demands, one day, and wed have a kid -- but I told her no, and I put my foot down like a man. LISA Sort of. SPUD Whats that mean? LISA Aah, well, you made me, so technically speaking you didnt stay true to your word. Did you? SPUD No ones perfect. LISA I suppose youre right. Lisa goes over to the bed. She presses it with her hands, feeling the firmness, and then gets under the blankets. She stares up listlessly at the baby-mobile under the top portion of the bunk bed.

88.

LISA (CONTD) Im really sorry about coming here, and, I dunno, ruining your life. Or what remains of it rather. SPUD What remains of it, huh? LISA You are quite old. Youre like a bag of ancient sand from Egypt. Im quite impressed that your body is completely functioning. SPUD Actually, I have a bit of problems with my plumbing. It takes a while. I think Im the only person I know that reads a magazine while taking a piss. LISA My friends say I take the piss too often. I tell them its all in good fun. SPUD Is that a fact? LISA I have to ask you a question, and I dont mean to be confrontational. SPUD Okay. Sure. LISA How come you never stuck around? Spud has a look of thinking on his face, but Lisa continues. LISA (CONTD) Why impregnate a woman and abandon her? When you know that she and her child needs you? SPUD Im sorry. I had no idea you existed. Plus, I was young and stupid. Young people are very...very stupid.

89.

LISA By my calculations you were almost 40 years old. SPUD At my age, I consider that to be young. LISA Yknow, I really wish you could have been a part of my life, growing up. Ive always wanted a father. Every Christmas we would make wish lists to Santa, and a dad would be at the top of my list... I wonder what my life wouldve been like if youd stayed behind and raised me. SPUD That wouldve never happened. I was with Janene. LISA So, that makes you a cheater, doesnt it? Lisa looks at Spud, shooting him eye-daggers. SPUD We were separated at the time. We... I didnt want to have kids. But I convinced her otherwise, we got back together, and didnt go through with the divorce. Things worked out in the end, Id say. LISA For you. SPUD ... LISA I imagine Id be a much weaker woman, if I had a dad around to raise me. All those hugs and kisses wouldve made quite the softie. SPUD Jeez. You really know how to guilt people, dont you?

90.

LISA (embarrassed) Oh no! That wasnt my intention. I think aloud sometimes. Much to the annoyance of my boyfriend. SPUD You have a boyfriend...? Are you saving yourself for marriage? LISA And if Im not? SPUD (throws up arms) See, this is why I wouldnt have made a good father. I already feel sick and you havent even told me anything yet. LISA Relax. Im a good, little girl. I havent done anything as of yet. Just a bit of light snogging, while having my arse grabbed. SPUD Snogging? LISA One man, with one man only, and its a very serious relationship. Nothing frivolous. SPUD Oh, good, good. Thats very good. A good decision. LISA Thank you. Spud suddenly starts looking away, to the floor. SPUD (fast voice) By the way, what are your thoughts on a, uh, paternity test? LISA You want me to be tested? SPUD I dunno! You could be a scam artist or something!

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LISA Im not scam artist? Im from England, not Nigeria! SPUD Okay, sorry. I didnt mean to offend you. And just for the record, I do believe you. I believe youre my daughter. The story checks out and everything, and you have all these papers, and you look like me, its just that I wanted to be extra safe. Thats all. Im a safe person -- if sometimes paranoid. Lisa sits up. LISA (gestures) Come here. Spud goes over to Lisa. LISA (CONTD) (gestures) Closer. He does as instructed and goes closer. Lisa takes him by the head, holds it perfectly still, and looks him straight in his eyes. LISA (CONTD) I have your eyes, dont I? SPUD You definitely do. LISA Then that settles. I am your daughter. Lisa kisses Spuds forehead, then lets him go. LISA (CONTD) Good night. Spud steps back, trying to make whatever of the situation. SPUD Good night. LISA Wait.

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SPUD What? LISA Can you tuck me in? Ive never been tucked in before. Spud goes back to Lisa, pulls the blanket up to her neck, and tucks her in. SPUD Is that okay? LISA Mhm. SPUD Alright then, Ill see you tomorrow? LISA Good night. Spud turns off the lights. CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE, BACKYARD - DAY Everyone is sat in a circle. Spinning around we see Spud, Chip, Ray, Kenny, and Marc. Then lastly Lisa. Marc is beside Lisa. LISA (shyly) Hi. MARC I dont like it. I dont like having a girl in our club. What is the first rule when you have a club? Dont talk about the club, and no girls allowed. SPUD Oh, grow up. MARC Shes not even the same age as us. How old is she? 12? 13? 14? LISA Im in my twenties.

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CHIP I, for one, am fine with having a younger woman in our presence. RAY Yeah, it adds a little color to the group. CHIP No. Im the one that adds a little color to the group. Shes the eye candy. SPUD Dont you eye candy my daughter, alright? Im warning you. CHIP Relax. Its only a joke. Im happily married to my wife, who I love more than anything in the world. She is the only person that I masturbate to. LISA Ew. KENNY Whats her name again? SPUD Lisa. Lisa Simpson. RAY Oh, just like The Simpsons. Cool. LISA My last name isnt Simpsons. Its Watts. Chip throws his arms into the air. CHIP WATTSuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!?! Everyone repeats the phrase, but with their tongues out. RAY WATTSUUUUUUUUUUUH! MARC WATTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!

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KENNY WATTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! SPUD WATTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! A pause. CHIP WATTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! MARC WATTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! RAY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! KENNY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! SPUD UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! CHIP UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! KENNY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! CHIP UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! The noise stops. Lisa raises an eyebrow. (For the uninitiated this was a parody of the famous Budweiser beer commercial.) LISA Sorry. Did I just have an epileptic seizure? Marc folds his arms. MARC Hmph. Girls never understand male humor. LISA No. I sort of got the gist of it. Im being initiated. Everyones intentionally taking the piss outta me. RAY Taking the what?

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LISA The piss? CHIP I dont get it. Someone is taking your piss? LISA Um... How should I rephrase it? Everyone is taking the MICK out of me? KENNY That makes it more confusing. Isnt that a racial slur for Irishmen? LISA ...Is it? MARC Hmph. Girls are so stupid. Especially British girls. I know; you all voted for Margaret Thatcher just because she was a woman. That was your calling card for feminism, and you let the Iron Vagina run the UK into the ground as prime minster for 11 mind boggling years! SPUD Marc, youre being incredibly rude, and offensive. LISA Its okay. Im not offended. Margaret Thatcher was a mistake we made...but at least we didnt vote in George W. Bush in for 8 bloody years! RAY Boo-yah! Get the plates cause you just got served! MARC Yes, yes, but how do you explain Princess Diana? She was the poster child for a new monarchy, and she was a mine clearing, orgy loving, whore of a Welsh woman, who didnt have enough sense to wear a goddamn seat belt, and now shes as dead as a Japanese whale.

96.

Lisa suddenly springs to her feet and points at Marc. Angrily. LISA How dare you insult Diana! You ungrateful, American swine! We made you! Check your history books! We created this country! Without us you wouldnt even be here! You are a product of the British Empire! (steps and salutes) Long live the Queen! Long live the Queen! The monarchy is still mighty and strong! All hail Will and Kate! Everyones visibly taken aback. Theyre silent. Lisa pauses and looks around, embarrassed from her outburst. LISA (CONTD) Erm, yeah...and so on. She sits back down. MARC ...Women! SPUD Women? Youre the worst out of everyone. If it werent for you we wouldnt be here; we would be in a nice, warm, somewhat damp basement, filled with cardboard boxes. OR the forest by the duck pond, which I was kinda getting used to. But you had to go crazy and knock out a young man, and Officer Jim gave us a life ban from the forest. Now its the Forbidden Forest. Do I look like a gay, little British boy with a lightning shaped scar on his forehead?! Spud pulls back his hair to show off his forehead. MARC In my defense -SPUD Not to mention you sold my lawn furniture to a . Had you not done that we couldve been sitting down.,.on plastic.

97.

MARC Why are picking on me? Youre always picking on me! SPUD No. Im not. I pick on everyone. MARC Oh, I know what this is about. Its because you dont like Canadians, huh? You a racist? RAY Wait. Youre Canadian? MARC French-Canadian. Everyone nods in agreement, and gesture, go oh, okay like it makes perfect sense. MARC (CONTD) (points) So, have some respect. Okay? We Canadians saved your American asses during the second World War Two. KENNY No way. Even at your age you couldnt have been in World War 2. MARC My dad. He and his troops fought on Juno Beach AND they dropped the atomic bombs on Japan to finally end the war. SPUD No, he didnt. That was us. (points to self) The Americans. We did that. We killed all those men, women, and children! MARC Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know, history is written by the winners. SPUD What are you talking about? Canada and American were on the same side. We both won.

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MARC Stop trying to stroke your own ego, you fat, stupid, arrogant American. SPUD Youre the fattest out of everyone! MARC (upset) I know we havent been the best of friends lately, but, but how could you be so mean! Marc starts crying. He collapses into Lisas lap and lets his tears roll out. Uncontrollably. LISA (whispering) Please -- help me. SPUD Alright, thats it! You have to go, mister! Spud takes Marc by the arm and tries, very hard, to pick him up. Its no use. The man is just too heavy. SPUD (CONTD) (grunting, struggling to lift Marc) God, youre so fat. Spud takes a moment to breathe. MARC Im not fat. Im fluffy. An I have big bones. SPUD Whatve you got in there? A dinosaur skeleton? MARC (lifts head) NO. Thats stupid. How can I have something inside of me that comes from a fictional creature? KENNY Correct me if Im wrong, but I dont think dinosaurs are fictional.

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MARC Yes, they are! Dinosaurs, dragons, unicorns, mermaids -- theyre all fake! RAY I took some archaeology classes in university. Marc, dinosaurs are not fake, okay? And neither are mermaids. SPUD (to Marc) Whatever the case, I want you gone. Marc gets up. He wipes away his tears. MARC Fine. Im going, but Im going to come back stronger than you could ever imagine. SPUD We dont want you back. CHIP Come on now, Spud. Thats not true. I, for one, have enjoyed his company. SPUD I dont care. Im the President of this club -- or dictator, if you will -- and Im revoking his membership. Spud puts out his hand. SPUD (CONTD) Return your power ring please. MARC Not my power ring! Spud nods mhm. MARC (CONTD) Fine. Marc goes into his pocket and takes out a capsule, inside which contains a plastic ring from a bulk vending machine. He hands it over to Spud. He appears very upset.

100.

MARC (CONTD) Happy? Spud puts the ring into his pocket. SPUD Not really. MARC Yknow what? I dont need your stinking club. Im gonna start my own club, and its gonna be way better than this piece of doo-doo. For starters, Ill have a tree house. Chip, Ray, and Kenny sit up, excited at the idea of a tree house. RAY A real tree house? I always wanted a tree house when I was a kid. MARC And you can live that dream by joining my vastly superior, super fun, happy tree house club. CHIP Sounds enticing. KENNY I agree. Very enticing. Seductive even... Sexy. SPUD It is not sexy, and he does not have a tree house. Remember? He used to live in a retirement home? MARC I still live in a retirement home. Ive just been relegated to the cellar. LISA You poor man. SPUD Hes not poor, and hes just about to leave. Arent you, Marc? Spud rolls up his sleeves.

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MARC Fine! Screw you guys, Im going home. Marc starts walking away. Slowly. He looks behind to see if anyone will chase after him. Lisa waves goodbye. He slumps his shoulder and continues on until he is out of sight. SPUD Good grief. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, SPUDS BEDROOM - DAY Spud is lying upside down in bed, hugging a pillow. Janene is not present, though indications that shes gotten up and left are there. The blinds are up and the window is open. There is also a NOTE on her night stand. Spud is in dream mode. We can see by the look on his face and how hes squirming around. SPUD No, no, no... I forgot study for my exam... Oh, but whats this? May West! Youve come to help me? By making sweet love to me? Aww, youre too generous. Just lemme take off my underwear. Theyre all soppy and full of moisture. Because I rescued a little boy, who fell into a tank full of Manta Rays. I know. It is quite impressive, Mrs. Dash! Spud, holding his pillow, starts making out with it. Lots of tongue. But then his bubble bursts, so to speak, when the sound of a LAWN MOWER wakes him up. He gets up, groggy, and annoyed, and goes over to the window. He leans out and shouts at his neighbor. SPUD (CONTD) Hey! (louder, trying to overcome noise) Hey! (louder) HEY! The lawn mower shuts off.

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SPUD (CONTD) For the love of God! You dont need to mow your lawn twice a day! Its not bamboo! It doesnt grow that fast! No reply. SPUD (CONTD) Well? His neighbor, a hairy, stalky, Italian fellow, named EDDIE, replies. EDDIE Shut your face! Your wife is a puttana! SPUD Yeah, well, your wife is a... (confused) Shes fat! Shes so fat that when she met Spiderman, Spiderman punched in her face because he confused her with the Kingpin. Spud steps to the side when a tomato is launched through the window. SPUD (CONTD) (through the window) Whatre you? Crazy?! EDDIE I told you to shut your face. The lawn mower starts up again. Spud shuts the window. SPUD Goddamn crazy neighbors. He picks up the tomato. When he stands up he notices the note on Janenes night stand. He takes it and reads it aloud. SPUD (CONTD) (reading) Dear Thomas, I am in great sorrow and pain. I cannot stand the fact that you slept with another woman, while we were on a break, and had a love child. Right now, as you read this, I am on my way to the airport. (MORE)

103. SPUD (CONTD) I am catching a flight to Toronto, where I will be staying to live my new life with my sister. So, take care of yourself. The divorce papers are on the kitchen table, along with the last meal I will ever make for you. Goodbye, scumbag.

Spud crushes the tomato in his hand. The juice and seeds flow through his clenched fist. CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE - DAY Spud jumps inside his car, and takes off in reverse. On the street, he speeds ahead, leaving behind smoke, and rubber. CUT TO: EXT. THE AIRPORT - DAY We look down at the airport, and see Spud racing his tiny, little, brown car up a road. (It just appears that way.) CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT - DAY Carrying flowers, Spud runs into the airport. He stretches out his neck, looking for Janene. SPUD (bellowing) Janeeene?! He pushes through the crowd and dashes over to security, where there is a queue of people waiting to be groped. He gets to the scanners and tries getting through. But an under-qualified security guard, named CRAIG, stops him with a palm on his chest. CRAIG Excuse me, sir. What do you think youre doing?

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SPUD I have to stop my wife from getting on an airplane and leaving me forever. Spud stretches out his neck, once more, and sees the back of a head that looks like it belongs to Janene. SPUD (CONTD) Janene! Is that you?! Spud takes a step forward to run. But Craig pushes him back. CRAIG Now, you jus wait a minute, Mr. Romance! You have to go through security first. SPUD Thats what Im trying to do, you retarded monkey! Spud tries to go ahead. Craig pushes him back again. CRAIG You have to go to the back of the line and wait like a good, little boy. Craig points to the queue (line), which is now longer than before, snaking around as if a, uh, snake. SPUD I have to go... Now! (looking in the distance, in the crowd) JANENE! Spud tries to charge past. Craig, however, who is many times larger holds him by the arm. SPUD (CONTD) (struggling) Let me go. You cant treat me this way -- Im not a minority! Suddenly Spud spins around and uppercuts Craig in the jaw, literally sending him flying into the air. While in the air we see that his trajectory is heading toward a large cardboard box marked GALLAGHER. This box is being carried by two men, who also see what is happening.

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They try to move out of the way, but there is no time. They drop the box and turn to shield themselves as Craig lands atop it with a big SPLAT. The box bursts open at both ends and reveals the smashes bits of watermelon and juices. Craig groans. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, SPUDS BEDROOM - DAY We return to Spuds bedroom. What we saw was just a vision, a part of his imagination. Spud shakes his head. SPUD Thats probably not a good idea. He sits down at the edge of his bed. Shoulders slumped. He sighs, unsure what to do. SPUD (CONTD) Maybe shell come back on her own. Spud ever so slightly trembles. The paper in his hand becomes crumpled. It seems like he is having difficulty breathing, as if he is about to burst out in tears. But he doesnt. SPUD (CONTD) (eyes closed, to self) Come on, Tom. Keep it together. Dont cry. Youre a man. Men arent supposed to cry. If youre feeling sad do something about it, instead of sitting around like a useless baby. Spud gets to his feet. SPUD (CONTD) I need to talk to someone. CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Spud is on the phone. Its real old school, has a long, curly cord, and a rotary dial.

106.

SPUD (on phone) Okay. Thanks, Elise. Bye. Spud hangs up the phone. SPUD (CONTD) Where the hell is everyone!? He waddles over to the fridge, grimacing, and opens the door, looking what to have. SPUD (CONTD) Lets see what we got here. Soda, OJ, purple stuff... Aah, beer. He takes the beer and uses an opener to take off the cap. And then its bottoms up. He glugs it down in less than a few seconds. He slams the bottle down and wipes his mouth. SPUD (CONTD) Not bad. Then he collapses onto the counter. Emotionally. His head is down in his arms. At this moment Lisa enters the kitchen. She looks curiously. LISA Mr. Tecumuseh? Spud stands up. He slowly turns around. LISA (CONTD) Are you okay? SPUD What makes you think Im not okay? LISA Well, usually youre in a good mood. SPUD I dont appreciate your sarcasm. LISA Im not being sarcastic. Im never sarcastic. Spud glares. He starts walking ahead and pushes past Lisa. LISA (CONTD) Wait, wherere you going?

107.

SPUD Club meeting today. I have to head to the grocery store for some food. LISA Can I come along? SPUD Id rather be alone. CUT TO: INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY In a local grocery store. Lisa is pushing a cart, following Spud down an aisle. They are surrounded by soda, chips (crisps), and sweets. LISA (looking) Everything here is so cheap. SPUD Its not cheap. Theyre regular prices. LISA Yeah, but compared to England its bloody cheap. Everything there is really expensive. You cant get a bargain anywhere. But here the public toilets are free. If you want extra ketchup with your hamburger, thats free. Refills for your drinks are free. Uh, Free Willy. SPUD To be honest, Id rather be there than here right now. LISA Whys that? Spud stops walking. He something to say, quite loudly too. SPUD Because everyone in America is fat and stupid, and theyre greedy, and theyre lazy, and they dont give a damn about anyone else but themselves!

108.

People are starting to look. Lisa is looking self-conscious. SPUD (CONTD) Youre all terrible! Read a book and lose some weight for godsakes! If you cant identify Mexico on a map, and you cant see your genitalia without lifting up your gut, you have serious problems! A comically obese lady on a disability scooter has taken offense. MABLE turns up her nose. MABLE Well, I never! She starts motoring away, but then crashes into a display of Jaffa Cakes. They fall down all about her and cover her in chocolatey goodness. Its funny because shes fat. But its okay to laugh at fat people; they dont have feelings. Lisa glances. Then she turns to Spud and puts her hands on her hips.

LISA Alright! Whats going on? SPUD (avoiding eye contact) Nothing. LISA Cmon. You can tell me. Spud gets a pained expression on his face, then suddenly burst out. SPUD Janene left me! She aint never comin back! He starts sniveling. LISA Oh. Isnt that something? Spud nods. SPUD Mhm.

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LISA Well, Im very sorry for your, uh, loss. SPUD I could use a hug. Lisa steps forward, but then a beast of a man, BOB, takes her place and HUGS SPUD. Spud turns his head, slowly, and looks up at him. Annoyed. SPUD (CONTD) Not you. BOB (nervous grinning) Oh. I knew that. Bob lets go, and moves out of the way. Lisa hugs Spud; however, it is cold and reluctant. Somethings off. Lisa pats spud on the back. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Lisa is sitting in an armchair, reading a book. The book is called The Little Black Book of Scams. As she turns a page, Janene enters the room, quietly, almost tiptoeing. Lisa doesnt notice. Janene clears her throat. Lisa looks up and smiles. LISA Oh, hello! She puts away her book. LISA (CONTD) I was just catching up on some reading is all. I have a mild case of insomnia. JANENE Me too. Well, its more of a recent ailment. LISA Oh.... Sooo, what can I do for you? JANENE I need your advice. Woman to woman.

110.

LISA Alright, but I dunno if I can actually help. But I can definitely listen. JANENE Lisa. Have you ever had your heart broken? LISA Story of my life. JANENE So bad you wanted to kill yourself? Lisa reluctantly nods. JANENE (CONTD) Then I think you might understand me after all. Janene sits by Lisa. She touches her hand. JANENE (CONTD) I feel so awful, but -- Im thinking of leaving your father. Spud. Tom. Whatever you wanna call him. LISA Oh. JANENE And Im on the fence, so to speak. What do you think I should do? Lisa thinks. LISA The thing is any I answer give you will be bad. If I tell you to stay youll be miserable. If I tell you to go, and be free, and do what you want, Mr. Tecumseh will be the one thats miserable. I like the both of you, so its not easy to say whats right and whats wrong. JANENE But what would you do? In my situation? LISA Id...follow my heart.

111.

JANENE Yeah. Thats a good idea. Janene smiles and pats Lisas hand. JANENE (CONTD) Youre a lot smarter than I originally thought. LISA Uh, thanks. Janene stands up. JANENE I better pack my things now. She turns to leave. LISA Wait. Youre really leaving? Janene pauses and looks back. JANENE A little lady to follow my heart. LISA I know, but -JANENE Dont feel guilty. Theres nothing you can do about it anymore. Ive made up my mind. Im gonna go to Australia and start all over again. So excited! Lisa looks to be in shock. Janene sashays out of the living room. CUT TO: INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY Were back with Lisa and Spud in present time. Lisa is still holding Spud, consoling him. Her eyes are wide open.

CUT TO:

112.

EXT. SPUDS HOUSE, BACKYARD - DAY Spud looks bored. He is sitting slumped in a folding chair, which is one of many making up a circle. He lets out a breath and looks at his watch, the hands ticking along. He has a slew of snacks set aside, waiting to be eaten. He looks over his shoulder as if someone should be there, but there is no one. Then Lisa appears, carrying a tray, with Ribena and sandwiches cut into triangles. She goes over to Spud and offers him her refreshments. He looks at her, a bit surprised. SPUD Oh, its you. LISA You look hungry. And lonely. Would you like a sandwich? Or some Ribena? SPUD Ummm, Ill have a sandwich. Spud takes a sandwich off the tray and bites into it. He chews it once and spits it out. He is disgusted. SPUD (CONTD) Ew! What is this?! It tastes like a dogs anus. Not that I know anything about that. LISA Its Marmite. Have you never eaten it before? SPUD Why would I eat something that tastes like a raccoons anus? LISA Its a raccoons anus now, is it? SPUD Look. Ham and cheese is fine. No need to feed me something that tastes like a whales anus. LISA Can you stop comparing it to anuses? Its not that bad, okay? (MORE)

113. LISA (CONT'D) Marmite quite popular in the UK, if you must know.

SPUD No offense, but English food is terrible. Spud takes a glass of Ribena and drinks it. LISA And American food is supposed to be better, is it? SPUD We have plenty of delicious foods. Um, hamburgers, french fries, pizza, and thats just off the top of my head. LISA First of all, all those things are junk food. Second of all, theyre not even American. SPUD What do you mean? LISA Hamburgers are from Germany. French fries are probably French. And pizza is obviously Italian. SPUD In origin, but then we adopted them and made them our own, and now theyre American. Its like the state of California, or Hawaii, or Alaska, or New York. Or black people. We stole them and now they belong to us. You of all people should know about this, remember when you guys ruled the world? LISA Yeah, those were good times, werent they? Anyway... Lisa puts down the tray shes holding onto one of the available seats. She goes into her pocket and takes out a folded piece of paper, which she hands to Spud. SPUD Whats this?

114.

LISA I was inside making expensive long distance phones calls, and Chip gave you a ring. He left a message. He sounded quite excited. Spud reads the message. SPUD Its an address. He wants us to meet him there this afternoon. LISA I know what it says. You dont need to tell me. After all, I am the one who wrote it down. SPUD Right. So, are you coming or what? LISA What is it for? SPUD I dont know. CUT TO: EXT. MARKS BACKYARD - DAY Spud and Lisa go through a gate and enter an unfamiliar backyard. SPUD Is this really it? LISA I think so. The grass is long, and there are wild bushes, and weeds growing all about. CHIP (O.S.) Spud! Lisa! You came! Spud and Lisa look up and see Chip through a window, -- in a tree house. A fancy looking one at that. He waves. SPUD You have a tree house? Marc suddenly appears in the window.

115.

MARC Its MY tree house. Spud instantly glares. MARC (CONTD) Actually, technically speaking, Im renting it from my cousin -- who is also named Mark -- and all I have do in return is take care of his backyard. We see the backyard again in all its wildness. MARC (CONTD) Either way. Im running the show. So, youre in my territory now, you Yank. SPUD Dont call me a Yank, and I dont care about your stupid, tree house, okay? Im leaving. Spud is about to leave, but then Kenny and Ray appear. They too are in the window. RAY Dont leave! Spud delays his exit. RAY (CONTD) Its really cool up here. KENNY Dont let the exterior fool you. This place is huge. It goes all the way to the back. Plenty of room for activities. RAY We roasted marshmallows inside. And wieners. Oscar Meyer Wieners. SPUD You roasted wieners and marshmallows without me? KENNY You can be part of the fun too. All you have to do is apologize.

116.

SPUD For what?! MARC For being a meanie! SPUD No. Im not apologizing. You guys are traitors! Im gonna make my own tree house, and its gonna be way better than this piece of trash! And you know I can do it, because I used to do carpentry! Marc looks worried. MARC Alright. Fine. You can join, no apology necessary. SPUD No foolin? MARC No foolin. Spud and Lisa step forward, but then stop when Marc makes an addendum. MARC (CONTD) BUT the female must go. LISA Me? MARC Yeah, thats right, you. I dont want no girls in here. LISA I think you mean to say you dont want ANY girls in here. Double negative, you know. MARC See! This is why I dont want any girls in my club. Shes correcting my grammar. LISA First off, its not because Im a girl, its because Im British. (MORE)

117. LISA (CONT'D) Secondly, if you are going to speak my language do it properly for fucksakes.

MARC Did you just swear? LISA Maybe. Marc ponders for a moment. MARC Alright, fine. You can join too... Lisa looks ready to go. MARC (CONTD) ...On the CONDITION that you can complete my challenges three. LISA Challenges three? SPUD Challenges three? MARC Challenges three. I will pick them from a fancy hat, and you will have to perform them flawlessly, Asianstyle. LISA I dunno. Spud puts his hand on Lisas shoulder. SPUD Lisa. I believe in you. LISA You do? SPUD Of course. Youre smart. You have a British education. LISA But I went to school in Horsham.

118.

SPUD Horsham? Oh, god. Never mind. Just go up there and try your best. Okay? Lisa nods, determined. CUT TO: INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY Lisa helps Spud through the trapdoor, and into the tree house, where the others -- Chip, Kenny, Ray, and Marc -- are awaiting them. Spud gets to his feet and looks around, curiously. (Staying in spot.) SPUD (to self) Not bad. Marc throws out his arm to present his place in all its magnificence. MARC Yes! Welcome the life styles of the rich and the famous! Let me give you two the grand tour! Follow me, if you will. Marc leads Spud and Lisa forward, putting them at the center of the tree house. He points to a corner, where there is a funky, inflatable sofa. MARC (CONTD) Here we have the living room. He then points to a cooler. MARC (CONTD) The kitchen. He points to a stack of comic books and a Game Boy. MARC (CONTD) The library. Plus electronic entertainment. He points to a bucket.

119.

MARC (CONTD) And finally the bathroom. Feel free to use it any time you please. LISA Its a bucket. MARC What? Youre too good for a bucket? You know we have paper towels and hand sanitizer? Its perfectly hygienic. (to Kenny) Isnt it, Doctor Green? Kenny shrugs. MARC (CONTD) (to Lisa) Anyhoo, lets get this show on the road, huh? LISA What show? CUT TO: INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY We see a long, red, flowing kings robe, and then the man dressed in it turns around; it is none other than Marc. He is inexplicably holding a pimps cane. Chip, Ray, and Kenny are on the inflatable sofa observing. Meanwhile, Lisa and Spud are on either side. MARC That hat, if you please! SPUD This is ridiculous. MARC Silence! I will not have a peasant interrupt the initiation process! Hold out the hat like a good, little boy! Spud holds out a sombrero. A glance at it shows it is filled with folded pieces of paper. Marc reaches inside gingerly and takes one out. He unfolds it and reads it.

120.

MARC (CONTD) Challenge #1: Assassinate the dictator of North Korea, Kim Jongun. Marc looks at Spud, who shakes his head. MARC (CONTD) Okay. Lets go for another one. Marc takes another slip of paper and reads it. MARC (CONTD) Challenge #1. Again... Hula-hoop in your underwear for 3 minutes straight. SPUD (glares) Are you kidding me? LISA Yah! What do I look like? A whore? Is the name Alexa Chung written across my forehead? Im not prancing around in my knickers for your amusement. Only a depraved, pig of a woman would do that... Alexa Chung. RAY Who is this Alexa Chung? MARC Alright, fine. Just do the hulahoop part then. (to everyone) Is that acceptable? KENNY Sounds kosher. MARC (gestures) Then shall we begin? Chip gets up and hands Lisa a hula-hoop. Lisa, looking determined, puts it around her body. She holds it, waiting for a signal. Marc gets out a stopwatch... MARC (CONTD) On your mark, ready, set --

121.

...And presses the start button. MARC (CONTD) GO! Lisa starts hula-hooping. She concentrates as best as she can while everyone is watching. Chip, Ray, Kenny, and Marc are really enthusiastic. Maybe too enthusiastic? Spud gets em back in line by slapping them in their faces Three Stooges style. SPUD (to Lisa) Cmon! You can do it! Its only three minutes! Shakira can gyrate her hips for months on end! LISA Im not Shakira! At this moment Lisas hula-hoop starts falling. All eyes follow it as it seems travel down on its own to her legs. Spud is biting his nails. Only seconds remain on the stopwatch. But then last moment things start to reverse, and the hula-hoop starts going back upwards...and around Lisas neck, and to her arms, as she does some crazy, twirling, twisting tricks. Then she tosses the hula-hoop into the air, does a back flip, and catches it in her hand. Like a gymnast. All are in awe, and there is a SOUND of roaring and cheering, like there are hundreds of people in the tree house. Chip, Kenny, and Ray are clapping. Marc waves his arm to interrupt the noise. MARC STOP! The clapping stops. MARC (CONTD) Turn off the tape player! Chip turns off a tape player, the real source of the cheering. MARC (CONTD) (to Lisa) You still have two more challenges to do.

122.

Lisa makes a dramatic Japanese fist. LISA Bring it! MARC Bring what? LISA It! MARC Youre on! LISA On what? MARC On the floor in which you will have to do another challenge! (to Spud) Bring me my hat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spud rolls his eyes, and brings Marc his hat. Marc takes a slip of paper and ceremoniously reads it aloud. MARC (CONTD) CHALLENGE #2: Eat 50 hardboiled eggs. LISA Is that all? MARC In one sitting. LISA Oh. SPUD Are you serious? 50 eggs? CHIP Its impossible. A girl of her size cant eat 50 eggs in one sitting. MARC Kobayashi can do it, and hes 128 pounds of Japanese flesh. (to Lisa) So, you two are just about the same size then.

123.

LISA Im not 128 pounds. MARC Fine! Dont do it. You lose. Once again a woman fails to do what a man can do. LISA You know what? Screw you, man! I can and I will succeed in eating those 50 hardboiled eggs. You can count on it. CUT TO: INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY Lisa is throwing up in a bucket. The others are keeping their distance. RAY You gotta admit shes quite the trooper. MARC I dont care. This doesnt count. SPUD Whaddaya mean this doesnt count? She ate all 50 eggs. MARC But she threw it up. It has to become poo to officially count. KENNY You never said anything about it having to pass through the digestive system. MARC Yes, I did. CHIP No, you didnt. MARC And what evidence do you have that refutes my claim?

124.

SPUD I have a boot that wants to go up your ass. Does that count for anything? MARC Is that a threat? SPUD Uuh, maybe... I dunno. Why? MARC Alright, Ill reconsider my position. Out of the kindness of my heart, I will count the short lived consumption of the 50 hardboiled eggs as passing the challenge. SPUD Thank you. MARC Shall we move onto the next challenge? Lisa finishes throwing up. CUT TO: EXT. RAVENWOOD DRIVE, JEAN BEANS HOUSE - DAY Spud, Ray, Marc, Chip, Kenny, and Lisa are hiding behind a utility (power) box, staring ahead at Mrs. Jessie Beans house. Specifically at the side window. Marc is the only one using binoculars. MARC (whispering; everyones whispering) Alright, there it is. Mrs. Jean Beans infamous house. Every afternoon at the same time she puts out a delicious pie to cool on the windowsill. And she never eats, never gives it to anyone. LISA That wasteful cow! Wait, why doesnt she eat it or give it to anyone?

125.

CHIP Her son had to go to war in the middle east, and he went MIA. KENNY So everyday she puts out a pie just in case he returns. LISA What type of pie? RAY It all depends on her mood. Sometimes its strawberry. Sometimes its apple. Sometimes its cherry. Sometimes its shaving cream. LISA Shaving cream? RAY Shes not exactly all there. SPUD I dont care if she is bonkers. Its theft. MARC But she throws it away! And that an insult to all the starving children in Africa! SPUD (rolls eyes) Alright, Jesus. Just make it quick, huh? MARC Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Here comes the pie. At this moment JEAN BEAN, a big burly lady, with short T-rex like arms, opens the window to her home, and places a delicious Apple pie on the sill to let it cool. Whilst doing a jolly jig and signing of course. JEAN BEAN (singing) I bake all day, I bake all night, I touch myself when I get it right! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo! Dootydoo-doo-doo!

126.

Jean Bean leaves. Now, going back to the boys -- and Lisa. MARC (whispers to Lisa) Okay, Lisa, this is your last challenge. Do this and youre in. Are you ready? LISA Hold on. Lisa puts on a ski mask and gloves. LISA (CONTD) Alright, lets do it! She gets out from behind the utility box, and creeps ahead. She gets to the window, and looks side to side, checking to see if anyones there. Then she grabs the pie. She runs down the lawn, and pausing before the boys, triumphantly raise it up. LISA (CONTD) I got it, you guys! Suddenly the front door to Jean Beans home swings open. Jean Bean has her brows pushed down and she is holding a shotgun. JEAN BEAN YOU PIE THIEF! Jean Bean shoots into the air. Lisa glances behind. SPUD Run damnit! Spud, Chip, Kenny, Ray, and Marc take off. Lisa follows behind. And so does Jean Bean. JEAN BEAN Come back, I promise I wont hurt you! Jean Bean shoots again into the sky. Meanwhile, Lisa is running behind the boys, but then quickly overtakes them. KENNY Dont leave us!

127.

MARC You know what they say? You dont have to run faster than the bear, you just have to run faster than your friends! SPUD Oh, shaddap! Running, running, more running, then the newspaper boy Chad appears on his bicycle. In his basket newspapers, no less. CHAD Extree, extree, read all about it! Woman finds out her husband is a dog! Chad lobs a newspaper. The roll of printed information lands in front of Jean Bean, causing her to trip. She spins to the ground, and lands on her cushy back with a scream. She kicks her short little limbs, like a turtle stuck on its back. She cannot roll over on her own. JEAN BEAN Aaah! Help me! Ive fallen and I cant get up! But no one helps. Lisa and the boys are nearing the end of the street. Lisa is carrying Kenny on her back. MARC (commanding) Turn, turn, turn! Marc leads everyone to his cousin Marks house. They turn and get onto the grass. CUT TO: EXT. MARKS HOUSE - DAY Continuing, Marc, Lisa, Chip, Ray, Kenny, and Spud get to Marks house. They head for the backyard. CUT TO: EXT. MARCS TREE HOUSE - DAY They run to the tree house... CUT TO:

128.

INT. MARCS TREE HOUSE - DAY ...And they have made it. Lisa, Spud, Marc, Ray, Kenny, and Chip are inside the tree house, in resting positions, catching their breath, dripping with sweat. Lisa especially, who just had a fully grown man on her back. She takes off her mask. The stolen pie rests between her legs, as she is on her butt, back leaned against the wall. RAY Jeepers. That was a close one. SPUD It was a dumb idea and we almost died. MARC I know! How cool is that? SPUD Almost dying is cool? (to Kenny) And who the heck says jeepers? CHIP Hey. At least we got away. Thats the most important part. KENNY Oh, God. My blood is pumping. I feel like an aliens gonna pop outta my chest. Am so tired. LISA Youre tired? I carried you on my back. KENNY Im a very, weak, little boy, Lisa. MARC Alright, lets just eat the pie already. Im starving! CUT TO: EXT. AFRICAN HUT - DAY There is a skinny, AFRICAN BOY, lying on the ground, looking famished as hell. He is speaking in SANDAWE.

129.

AFRICAN BOY Oh, yes. I am certain you are starving. Because missing breakfast or having a late lunch totally means that you have been without food for an extended period, for which you have succumbed to malnutrition. Oh, yes. I definitely feel your pain and suffering. Maybe I should send you some money to help out with your dire situation... The African Boy swats away a fly trying to land on his mouth. He then stares directly into our souls, with his big, bulging, yellow eyes. AFRICAN BOY (CONTD) ...You fat bastards! The next moment he closes them and flops his head to the side. His tongue rolls out of his mouth. CUT TO: INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY Back to the tree house. Lisa, Spud, Marc, Ray, Chip, and Kenny are having their stolen pie. MARC Hey, did anyone else here see that African Kid? CHIP Are you talking about me? MARC No. Uh, never mind. KENNY Speaking of African Children, this is the best pie Ive ever had. LISA Ever? KENNY Ever. LISA Well, if you really like pies you should come visit England one day. (MORE)

130. LISA (CONT'D) We have loads of pies, especially Magpies.

RAY Ah, that sounds like a great idea. We should load ourselves into a van and drive up there on the weekend. Road trip, huh? Whos up for it? SPUD You simp. Shes talking about OLD England, not New England. Did you not notice her obvious accent? RAY No, because Im not racist. SPUD First of all -- what? Second of all, Im not racist either. You cant be racist if you have at least one black friend. Spud looks at Chip. Chip nods. KENNY What if you have no black friends, but a Jewish friend? SPUD Doesnt count. KENNY Why not? SPUD If you cant tell right away it doesnt count. RAY What about a Chinese person? SPUD Eeeh, maybe. Marc finishes his pie. The rest are almost finished too. MARC Speaking of Chinese people -- Ive run out of pie!!! SPUD And?

131.

MARC Im still starving. Marcs eyes dart. LISA You can have my pie, if you want. MARC No, thank you. I dont want cooties. LISA Fine. More pie for me. Lisa bites into her pie. RAY I know. Lets steal another pie. CHIP I dont think she has anymore pies. RAY Are you sure? CHIP Pretty sure. RAY Well, lets rob a bank then. Then well use the money to buy more pies! MARC Thats a great idea! The bank has so much money. Im sure they wouldnt mind. SPUD If they wouldnt mind, then we wouldnt need to steal it. MARC I think youre missing the point here. Stealing is exciting. Ive never felt more alive. (to Lisa) You up for it? LISA Not that I should have to point this out, but there is a limit to my penchant for criminal activity. (MORE)

132. LISA (CONT'D) Taking a pie thats going to be thrown out, or stealing sweets from a baby, sure -- but a bank, now thats a whole nother ball game. We would have to formulate a getaway plan, and acquire guns, and steal a car, and everything. Im not sure Im ready for that.

SPUD Dont worry, because we are NOT stealing from a bank. MARC Youre always such a stick in the mud. SPUD (angrily) Am I now? LISA Come on, boys. Lets not argue. I can buy another pie, if necessary. SPUD No, you save your money. Youre poor as it is. LISA Unfortunate is the word term I prefer. RAY So, youre poor? LISA Well, I dont really have such a fantastic job. CHIP Where do you work? LISA Poundland. Its basically a dollar store. I make minimum wage. KENNY You never went to university? LISA I went to Uni. Its just that I majored in something called gender studies.

133.

KENNY Oh, God. LISA Yeah, and Im still in debt. You can tell by the amount of instant noodles I buy. MARC (to Lisa) Aw, man. That sucks balls. (to Spud) You should give her some money, Spuddy boy. CHIP Yeah, arent you a millionaire? SPUD Its rude to discuss money in front of company. KENNY No, its not. Tell us, how did you make your vast fortune? RAY Yes, millionaire next door, tell us all your secrets. SPUD I am not discussing my millions of dollars... I mean I dont have millions of dollars. What millions of dollars? MARC Ugh, youre so full of stinky, steamy poop. SPUD (groans) Fine, if you must know, yes, I have done quite well for myself. And theres no magic to it. I just worked, saved, invested, and avoided having children. Lisa looks at Spud. SPUD (CONTD) Well, um, I tried.

134.

KENNY What did you invest in? SPUD (thinking) Mmmmm, gold, oil, Apple stocks, real estate, things like that. RAY Sounds like you are a pretty savvy investor. KENNY Wait a minute, Im doing pretty well for myself too. RAY What investments did you make? KENNY Enron. CHIP Didnt they go belly up? KENNY I never said I made money through Enron. MARC Then how are you doing well for yourself, Mr. Smartypants? KENNY I have my ways. CHIP You worked way past your retirement age, didnt you? KENNY ...I saved lives! What have you guys done? Have you guys saved any lives? RAY Yes. KENNY Oh. Well done then. CHIP Very well done.

135.

KENNY I applaud your efforts. CHIP Me too. Lisa looks at her watch, and then clears her throat. LISA Hey, guys, uh, I know were having good times and all, but I gotta go. SPUD Where? LISA I need to go back to the house and give my boyfriend a ring. KENNY Oh, what type of ring? If its gold I know a guy, who can get you a good deal. Hes an excellent jeweler. Even his last name has the word gold in it. LISA What? No, no. I have to make a call to my boyfriend. KENNY I see. LISA He lives in England. (to Spud) Do you have a long distance plan by the way? Or perhaps VOIP? Spud stares blankly. SPUD ...Yah, I have one of those. LISA Great. Could I please borrow your house keys then? I promise I wont lose them. SPUD (reluctant) Okay. Uh, sure. No problem. Spud gives Lisa his house keys.

136.

SPUD (CONTD) Here you go and enjoy. Lisa looks at the house keys. Attached to it, on a chain, is a squeeze toy. She squeezes it to make the eyes bulge out, and then stands up. MARC Wait! Lisa pauses. MARC (CONTD) What about your celebration? LISA Huh? MARC We didnt celebrate you getting into the club. Lisa goes to open the trap door. LISA Dont worry, Ill be back. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Lisa is in the kitchen making a PHONE CALL. She lets it ring and then someone on the other side picks up. JON (O.S.) (telephone) Hello? LISA (telephone) Jon, my dear, is that you? JON (O.S.) Who is this? LISA Lisa. JON Oh, yes. Lisa. What do you want?

137.

LISA Good news. JON Hmm? LISA The old man is loaded. Apparently hes a millionaire. Hes invested in stocks, and gold, and real estate, and oil, everything. JON Is the gold physical? Or is it certificates? LISA I dont know yet JON Then find out. LISA I, I will. JON Dont forget, if you dont get enough money from him we lose our house. Stick with the plan. Hes not just your daddy, hes your sugar daddy. LISA (sighs) Are you sure this is a good idea? JON Whats the matter with you? You want us to go homeless? All you have to do is convince him to empty out his coffers for you. LISA But -JON Its not a scam, if hes a willing participant. So turn on that charm, get a big fat cheque, and get out. Of course. Make sure its a certified cheque. LISA What if I cant do it?

138.

JON Ill have to pay you a visit then. LISA Thatd be nice. JON I was only joking, you goddamn genius. LISA Oh. JON Now, I have some things to do, so Ill talk to you later. LISA Okay, Jon. Goodbye, I love you. Jon hangs up the phone. LISA (CONTD) Jon? Lisa realizes hes hung up. She hangs up the phone too, and lets out a deep sigh. CUT TO: EXT. JANES DINER - NIGHT A station wagon pulls up to the parking lot in front of Janes diner. The outside of the place looks real retro, like its from the 1950s or early 60s. CUT TO: INT. JANES DINER - NIGHT The joint is a blast from the past. There are neon lights, a juke box, soda fountains, leatherette stools in front of a long, shiny counter, and other such items, reminiscent of the Fonz. In come Lisa, Spud, Ray, Chip, Kenny, and Marc. Lisa appears quite excited. Her face is in oooh mode. LISA Wow. A 1950s themed diner. These are quite trendy these days, arent they? I wonder when was this built?

139.

SPUD 1950. CHIP They never upgraded their decor. RAY And thats what I like about it. Marc gestures for the others to follow him, as he bounds ahead. MARC Come on, dumbasses, lets go celebrate! LISA (to Kenny) Did he just call us dumbasses? Kenny, who is to the right of Lisa, simply shrugs. They go on over to the counter, and each sit on the spinny stools. (Spud and Lisa are at the end.) A waitress, with a pencil behind her ear, and a notepad, wearing a turquoise frock arrives to greet them. Her name is EILEEN. She is a pretty girl, quite friendly too. EILEEN Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Janes Diner. My names Eileen. Ill be your waitress today. Have a look at the menus and let me know when youre ready, or if youre ready now Ill be glad to take your orders right away. Spud raises his hand. SPUD Excuse me. EILEEN Yes? How can I help you? SPUD Not to be rude, but -- could we get another waitress? EILEEN Oh, w-what for? Im not coming off as rude, am I? I knew it. I forgot to use the word please.

140.

SPUD No, youre nice. Its just that you dont have enough...sass. Youre not sassy enough. It doesnt feel like an authentic diner. EILEEN Please. Gimme another chance. I can be sassy, if you want. SPUD Alright. Then Eileen faces away. She makes her hair into a bun, puts on some lipstick, and puts a stick of gum inside her mouth. As everyone waits on her she turns around with her hands on her hips. EILEEN What is this? The Grumpy Old Mens reunion? (gives dismissive wave) Naw, am just horsin around. Now, what can I get yall? Make it snappy though, I have customers comin out the wazoo here. SPUD Ill have a hamburger, with an egg in it, and a coke. Eileen shouts the orders to the back of the house (BOH). EILEEN (to BOH) One runny hammy and a glass of sugar water! Eileen looks at Lisa. Lisa lowers her menu. EILEEN (CONTD) (to Lisa) And whatll you have, toots? LISA A spot of tea, and do you have any Stargazy pie? EILEEN Stargazy pie? I aint never heard of that. LISA It contains fish.

141.

EILEEN Fish pie? Ew, yuck. Eileen throws her head back. EILEEN (CONTD) Oooh, I get it! Youre trying to pull a fast one over old Eileen, eh? Lisa looks uncomfortable. EILEEN (CONTD) Hmph! You think because youre so cool, with your weird accent, you can come in here and make a fool outta me? LISA N-no. EILEEN Yknow, I dont like your face. Its way too pretty. It makes me insecure and jealous. Reminds me of the skank, who stole away my boyfriend. Lisa hasnt much to say. Eileen gets in her face. EILEEN (CONTD) Ygot nothing to say? Why, you think youre better than me, dont you? Is that it? You think youre Queen of the freaking prom? Queen of England? The rice Queen? The Dairy Queen? Queen of the Stone Age? Queen of the chessboard? Hmmmmmmmmmm?! Eileen slams her hands down on the counter. LISA Is anyone else feeling a bit uncomfortable? SPUD (to Eileen) Lady, too much sass. EILEEN Excuse me for a moment! I need to leave to...uh...spit...in your food. I shall return.

142.

Eileen abruptly leaves. RAY Hey, what about us? EILEEN (O.S.) Everyone gets the same thing! Like it or leave it! Ray rubs his hands together. RAY Oh boy! Hamburgers! CHIP She said she was going to spit in the food. RAY I know. Thats why I got excited. CHIP You are sick. Spud looks around. SPUD (to Lisa) Aah, dont you just love these diners? They remind you of the good ol days. LISA The good ol days? You mean the days when racism, homophobia, and sexism were both commonplace and culturally accepted? SPUD I didnt say it was good for everyone. Im speaking for myself, as an old white man. LISA I stand corrected. SPUD But mostly the good ol days remind me of when I was with Janene. Remember Janene? LISA She sounds familiar.

143.

SPUD I loved Janene so, so much -- whyd she leave me, that stupid bitch?!?! Who does she think she is? Queen of the chess board? CHIP Wait, Janene left you? Spud hangs his head low. RAY Why didnt you tell us? SPUD Because men are terrible at consoling other men. RAY Thats not true. I remember when I had my first breakup all of my friends told me... (thinking) ...To man up. Be a man. Get over it. Stop being a pussy. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Take a shit or get off the pot. (thinking) Yah, you know what, maybe youre right. KENNY My friend, dont worry. Im sure Janene will return. SPUD Arent you in the middle of your own divorce? KENNY Its called faith! Have a little faith. Youre Catholic, you should know about that. SPUD Nah, I dont think shes coming back. And its all because of you know who. Spud surreptitiously (or so he thinks) points to Lisa. LISA I can see you pointing -- and I feel awful.

144.

SPUD Im sorry. Its not really your fault. You didnt do anything. Its not your fault you were born. Im the one who made the mistake. I tell you, if I could go back in time and stop myself, I would. LISA But I wouldnt have been born. I wouldnt exist. SPUD Oh yeah. Thats kind of a problem, isnt it? Spud shakes his head. SPUD (CONTD) My point is I miss Janene. I wish she were back in my life. MARC Oh, byoo-hoo! Janene Shmanene! Who needs women, anyway? Theyre good for nothing. Every time a man gets into a relationship with a woman she ruins him. Now, if two men got together that would be a much, much better heterosexual relationship. CHIP I dont think that words means what you think it means. MARC Im only trying to make a point here, pal. (to Spud) That is you should not derive your whole self-worth, and self-esteem, and happiness solely from one person. Being in a relationship is just a small part of who you are. So, enjoy your freedom. Be your own man. Do something youve always wanted to do. Like, I dunno, take up a hobby. KENNY What sort of hobby? MARC Doing impressions of animals.

145.

LISA Oh! I thought I was the only one. I can do a really good impression of a rhinoceros. Lisa gets off her stool, gets down on all fours, and gets in front of a RANDOM CUSTOMER, and starts ramming in his shins, using the top of her head like one massive horn. RANDOM CUSTOMER (looks down) What. Are. You. Doing? LISA Shut up, you poacher. Im a rhino. Defending the Savanna. RANDOM CUSTOMER Please. Youre scaring me. Lisa rams the Random Customer again. The Random Customer tries going around her, but she persistently follows. LISA You cannot escape the rhino. I am a magical rhino, who knows all of your deep, dark secrets. Have you been stealing cookies from the cookie jar? Spud leaps off his stool. SPUD Alright, this is embarrassing. He stands before Lisa and puts his hands on his hips like a parent. SPUD (CONTD) Young lady, I think its about time you got off the floor. Its not very becoming of you. Lisa looks up. LISA Am I in trouble? The Random Customer flees as she is distracted. SPUD Not if you get up.

146.

LISA Oh, alright. Lisa stands up. Spud puts his arm around her. SPUD Lisa. You dont have to try and make a fool of yourself to make me laugh and make me feel better. I already appreciate that youre here. Dont worry about what me a Janene are going through. Im an old man. Ive seen a lot; Ive done a lot. This is not the worst of it. It really isnt. LISA Are you sure? Spud gently punches Lisa in the arm. SPUD Yeah, kiddo. Suddenly a man comes through the front doors. They burst open. Here is LUKAS, an older fellow, dressed in a suit, with leather gloves, and jet black, slicked back hair. Unusual, he has a cane yet no limp. Accompanying him is a woman far too young for his age. Her name is JANE. She follows him as he clops forward in his wing-tipped shoes as if he owns the place. His presence seems to get everyones attention. Something about him is just so grandiose. Lisa and the others look his way, but especially Kenny. LUKAS (slight German accent) Ah, what an interesting place. Is this where all the poor people hang out? JANE Its a real nice place. Give it a chance. Kenny nudges Ray as he stares. KENNY Do you know who that is?

147.

RAY No, should I? He looks like a pimp. KENNY Its Lukas VON TRAPPENHAUSEN. He used to bully me relentlessly in school. Hed tease about the Holocaust and pull my underwear up, over my head. RAY Thats really funny. KENNY No, its not. RAY I mean, I mean the underwear thing. Not the Holocaust thing. Usually the Holocaust isnt funny. Lukas makes eye contact with Kenny. Kenny goes eek and covers his face, using a napkin. CHIP Are you trying to hide? Behind a napkin? Lukas smacks Jane on the bottom with his cane. LUKAS Okay, slut. Go find me a table. I have some business to attend to. Jane leaves. Lukas saunters over to Kenny. LUKAS (CONTD) Is it really you? Kenneth H. Green? Doctor extraordinaire! Lukas grabs Kennys hand and shakes it vigorously. Kenny rubs his hand from the pain. KENNY Actually, Lukas, Im recently retired. What about yourself? LUKAS No, not me, sister. Im still working. As they say: Once a lawyer, always a lawyer. Plus, the pays not bad either. Just about a million bananas a year.

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MARC And what do you do with all these bananas? Do you eat them? Or perhaps run a monkey zoo? Here come Spud and Lisa. SPUD Hey, hey, whats going on here? Whos this? KENNY This is one of my old classmates: Lukas VON TRAPPENHAUSEN. Lukas eyes Lisa up and down like a hungry wolf. LUKAS Whos this sexy slut? LISA (angrily) Did you just call me a slut? LUKAS Of course. Look at the way youre dressed. So slutty. We see Lisas clothing. Its perfectly modest. Heck, more than modest, its almost nun-like. Only her head and hands are showing. LISA I think you owe me an apology. LUKAS No way, slut. LISA Why, you -Lisa raises a fist and takes a step forward, but Kenny jumps off his stool and puts himself between them. KENNY (to Lisa) Easy now. This is my good fri -uh, acquaintance. Hes a very, very, very, very powerful lawyer.

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LISA (whispers) I dont care who he is. Im gonna kick him right in his dick. KENNY (whispers back) Please. Dont kick him in his dick. No dick kicking. No kicking of any dicks. Okay? LISA Fine, I wont resort to violence, because its wrong -- but I will tut as necessary. KENNY (slightly confused at the word tut) Uuh, thank you. Kenny glares at Lukas and shakes his head. KENNY (CONTD) You really are a piece of work, arent you? LUKAS Moi? Je ne suis pas! KENNY In English, please. LUKAS I am not a piece of work, and I dont what that means. KENNY Everywhere you go you always have to be King of the Hill. Well, I for one dont care about your propane, and propane accessories. LUKAS Sir, you have insulted me, and you have insulted the Shaolin Temple... I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL! Lukas takes off one of his gloves. He looks like hes going to use it to slap Kenny in the face, but then puts it into his pocket. LUKAS (CONTD) Ugh, its so warm in here.

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The other glove goes away too. LUKAS (CONTD) Now, what was I saying? Ah, yes! A duel! KENNY A duel? LUKAS Yes. I know I was a bully to you in school. So here is your chance to make things even. If you win, I will give you $100,000 -- AND I promise not to make anymore antiSemitic jokes. For example: Whats the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? MARC I dunnooo. Marc gets off his stool and gets uncomfortably close to Kenny. His neck is stretched out. MARC (CONTD) What is the difference? LUKAS Erm, Santa Claus goes down the Chimney. CHIP I dont get it. RAY Yeah, its not very funny. LUKAS No, it is funny, see, because Santa Claus goes down the chimney, meanwhile Jews dont celebrate Christmas, and therefore they have no characters of their own that go down the chimney. They dont do that sort of thing, and its humorous on account of the differences in culture. Often times jokes do that. They have hilarious contrast and comparisons. KENNY Are we going to have this dual or what?

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LUKAS Of course! Lukas spins his cane. LUKAS (CONTD) Let us dual! Another cane comes flying out of nowhere and sails past Kenny. STAGEHAND (O.S.) Aw, crap. A STAGEHAND appears, picks up the cane, and hands it to Kenny. STAAGEHAND Sorry about that. KENNY Its okay. We all make mistakes. The stagehand disappears. CUT TO: EXT. JANES DINER - NIGHT There is a group TEAMSTERS hanging around having coffee, leaning against a wall. There are exactly three of them. TEAMSTER #1 You think Im too old to go back to school? TEAMSTER #2 No, but whyd you want to do that? TEAMSTER #1 I want to do something meaningful with my life. TEAMSTER #3 So what, you dont think helping tah make movies and TV shows is meaningful? TEAMSTER #1 To be honest, I dont. Its just entertainment -- to distract us from the fact that were slowly dying. Its not important. (MORE)

152. TEAMSTER #1 (CONT'D) Actors, and actresses, and directors, and writers, what are they doing? Playing pretend for a living; meanwhile the rest of the world is suffering. Yet these socalled artists, theyre the ones whore winning all these awards. For what? Theyre not curing cancer, theyre not rescuing people from burning buildings, theyre not engineering the next new, amazing technology. Theyre just living a childs dream, free of care, and free of actual responsibility. Why are people so interested in celebrities, anyway? They do nothing for you. When you get hurt or sick, or you need someone, theyre not going to be there for you. But maybe a doctor, or a fireman, or a nurse, or even a teacher will. Now, those are real worthwhile professions.

TEAMSTER #3 You shouldnt say those things, man. TEAMSTER #1 Why? Is it not true? TEAMSTER #2 I, I dont think its true. TEAMSTER #3 ME NEITHER. TEAMSTER #1 Well, I think its true. I just dont see the value in these Hollywood-type productions. Theyre so vapid and pointless. Mindless entertainment. Can you believe Beverly Hills Chihuahua made over $100 million? What is wrong with society? What is wrong with these executives? Who green lights this trash? Out of nowhere FOUR strong looking men in suits appear. They are wearing shades. They stand in front of Teamster #1, staring at him.

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TEAMSTER #1 (CONTD) Can I help you? The men in suits lunge at Teamster #1 and grab him by his arms and legs. They start carrying him away. TEAMSTER #1 (CONTD) Hey! W-whats going on here?! Help! Someone help me! He is taken off into the night air, never to be seen again. Teamster #1 and #2 sip their coffees like nothing happened. CUT TO: INT. JANES DINER - NIGHT Back inside. Kenny and Lukas are in a circle, surrounded by a load of people, of course, including Lisa, Spud, Ray, Chip, and Marc. Kenny is holding his cane out like a sword, as is Lukas. Theyre both exchanging mean looks, growling, and circling each other. LUKAS Youre going down, Jew boy! KENNY No, it is you who will be going down, you racist, German, antiSemitic, bullying, senior citizen! LUKAS Just a tip; insults are best done with brevity! KENNY Shut up! Kenny swings at Lukas. Wildly. But Lukas somehow is able to dodge each and every single attack. KENNY (CONTD) (panting) Stay still, you! LUKAS Getting tired, old man? Lukas parries a few more of Kennys attacks, then they circle some more.

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LUKAS (CONTD) Did you know I used to be a fencing champion? KENNY (puffing, panting) Yeah, Ive seen you brag about it on Facebook. LUKAS Youre not on my friends list. I have my privacy set on high. KENNY Well, guess what? Anything you put on the internet aint private...and neither are your phone calls! LUKAS Ha! I dont make phones call. I use carrier pigeons exclusively! KENNY ...Are you serious? LUKAS Yes, and I still have a mimeograph! Suddenly Lukas uses the end of his cane to hit Kenny in his solar plexus. The wind escapes from Kenny and makes him bend forward in pain. While he is bent over in pain, Lukas raises his cane up high, preparing for the finishing blow. But then Lisa jumps into the fray and catches it as it comes down. She holds it firmly. LISA Stop it! This, this is madness! LUKAS Madness? This is America! Then Lukas lets go of the cane, and in slow motion kicks Kenny in the shin. It looked like it was going to go higher, but nope, he was far too old for that. Kenny goes down, and falls onto his bottom. He holds his shin in pain. We return to normal speed. KENNY Ah, my shin, beautiful shin! Why, why!? (MORE)

155. KENNY (CONT'D) All I wanted in the world was to figure skate! Is that too much to ask for?!

Nobody knows what to do. Lisa is there dumbfounded holding the cane. Even she thinks hes overreacting. LUKAS Calm down. I barely hit you. KENNY (sniveling) Thats easy for you to say, you werent the one assaulted! (looking around) Is there a doctor in the house?! I need a doctor! LISA Youre a doctor. KENNY This isnt Avatar, Lisa. I cant come out of my body and inspect myself. That technology doesnt exist yet -- or does it? Lisa looks at the others. LISA Maybe we should leave. Then she and Spud lift up Kenny, his arms on their shoulders, and start hauling him away. Marc, Chip, and Ray follow behind. KENNY (to Lukas) You wont see the last of me, Lukas -- if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine! Lukas is standing in the background, staring, somewhat confused. RAY Whys that sound so familiar? MARC Its a quote from Gandhi. RAY Ah-ha, I see.

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Just before Kenny, Lisa, Spud and the rest make their exit, Kenny violently shakes his fist. KENNY (looking back) I will have my revenge! REVENGEEEEEUH! Spud rolls his eyes. CUT TO: INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY Spud, Marc, Chip, Ray, and Kenny are sitting around a wooden box, looking plain bored, then the trapdoor pops up and Lisas head appears. LISA Alright, Ive set up the WiFi. SPUD Wife? LISA Uh, no. The wireless internet connection. SPUD Oh. I see. Chip shakes his head in a sad manner. Sad for his friend. MARC Yknow, Spud, if that dame dont come running back to you, you could always get a mail-order bride. Theyre cheap, hard working, obedient, and most of all fertile. SPUD No, thanks. Id rather be alone. MARC Fine, but you dont know what youre missing out on. Those Russians can be quite good in bed, if you know what I mean. SEX. Sexual intercourse with another human being. SPUD Thanks for clarifying.

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CHIP Actually, I dont think thats such a bad idea at all. I mean why not simplify the process -- cut to the chase? Why go through the hassle of dating? Why go through all those social hoops in order to seduce someone? LISA Cause its fun. RAY You think its fun, having to work up the nerve to ask someone out and face potential, heartbreaking rejection? Is it fun spending your last paycheck on gas to pick up your date, then having to buy flowers, and go to a fancy restaurant, and pay for two meals, each time, and you have no idea what the outcome is gonna be? And the pressure, theres so much pressure, Lisa. Its like a job interview. You have to go in there, looking your best, and be on your best behavior, and then you hafta say all the right things, otherwise kiss your hopes of true love goodbye. You call that fun? LISA I meant its fun for women. RAY Yah, I can see that. Lisa enters the tree house, carrying a (oldish) laptop computer, and a mouse. LISA Anyway, I got the computer. Shall we begin our shenanigans? Kenny rubs his hands together. KENNY Im ready. Lisa goes to a corner of the tree house, where the boys are, and sets down her laptop computer on the box. She plugs in her mouse and has a seat on her bum as Spud, Ray, Chip, Kenny, Marc surround.

158.

Lisa cracks her knuckles, and stretches out her fingers. KENNY (CONTD) Are you sure this is a good idea? LISA Of course, why not? You want revenge on that Lukas bloke, dont you? KENNY Im afraid of the cyber police. SPUD Yah, what if they back trace it? LISA Relax. Marcs cousin, for some reason, is on a VPN. RAY UPN? LISA VPN. RAY Right. LISA VPN means virtual private network. Lisa opens the laptop and presses power. [Insert product placement here.] KENNY So, I guess you know a lot about computers, eh? LISA Lets just say growing up my hero was Kevin Mitnick. SPUD (scoffs) Thats a stupid name. Kevin. Mitnick. CHIP Yep, sure is a stupid name, Spud Tecumseh.

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LISA Anyway, hes the one inspired me to get into computers. Lisa turns her head back to the computer, and begins typing furiously. The light of the monitor flashes on her face. She seems hard at work. The intensity of it all is steadily increasing. As everyone watches intently time passes by, and then it appears that she has reached her goal. She bangs on a key, and triumphantly declares -LISA (CONTD) Okay, Im in! KENNY You finished your hacking, already? LISA No. I just got into my e-mail account. My computers really slow and crappy, you see. SPUD Why are your checking your e-mail? LISA I might have an important message from my boyfriend of course. Lisa uses her mouse to click around. Something comes up that makes her laugh. It is a DESERT RAIN FROG. LISA (CONTD) Look at that frog! Its so r-r-rround! Like an orange! Ha-ha-ha! Whatve you been eating? KFC? Wahha-ha-ha! She wipes away a tear and gets herself under control. LISA (CONTD) Oh mercy. (shakes head) Alright back to business now. Then she starts typing away. Marc folds his arms. MARC Hmph. Leave it to a woman to use a computer. Lisa eyes Marc.

160.

LISA Whats that? MARC You suck! I should be the one doing the hacking. A man should be dealing with these machines, someone with a brain bigger than a chipmunk -- not a blonde, British, female immigrant. LISA Fine. You wanna do the hacking yourself? Go ahead. Be my guest. SPUD Now, wait a minute -Lisa moves aside and lets Marc take her place in front of the computer. Marc before beginning cracks his neck. Really loud. MARC Okay, and here we go. He starts typing. SPUD You sure you know what youre doing. MARC Of course. I used to work for NASA. RAY THE NASA? MARC Correcto-mundo. CHIP What did you do there? MARC I was a janitor -- BUT I learned quite a bit about computers while on the job. I was like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, except I have acting skills. As everyone else watches, Marc continues typing. Its taking a bit more time than anticipated.

161.

SPUD This is sooo boring. MARC Dont get your panties in a bunch, Nancy. Im almost there. Marcs typing speed increases. It seems like hes making progress. Sweat is dripping from his forehead. Then -MARC (CONTD) (typing) Alright, just a few more...and...there we go! He presses one last key. Or so it seems. MARC (CONTD) I have successfully hacked into the mainframe. LISA Really now? MARC Dont patronize me, you female. I know what Im doing, alright? (thinks) Oh, I forgot to press enter. Marc presses enter. A fist magically comes flying through the screen, with a whiny grunt, and punches him in the nose. It disappears. Everyone is bewildered. KENNY What was that? Marc is holding his nose. MARC A really damn good punch. LISA Step aside, wanker. Lisa pushes aside Marc to sit in front of the computer. LISA (CONTD) Let me show you what a real hacker looks like.

162.

On the computer screen Lisa brings up an old picture of herself, in which she is wearing big glasses, pig tails, a buttoned up shirt, a pocket protector, and braces. CHIP Cute. LISA Okaaaaaay! Lisa slaps her own cheeks, twice, to get psyched up. LISA (CONTD) LETS GET TO WORK, MOTHER EFFERS! She starts banging on the keyboard of her computer like a maniac, an absolute maniac. She grunts and sweats, trying to break through a virtual wall. Then she slams her fist down, and pauses for an electronic sound, like something being uploaded or downloaded through an array of high tech networks. A projection of jumbled text and characters, shines on Lisas face. She grins, with eyes wide open. LISA (CONTD) I did it. Im in. KENNY Are you serious? LISA The information is uploading as we speak, and now all we have to do is play the waiting game. MARC The waiting game stinks. Lets play Minesweeper. LISA No, shut up. CUT TO: INT. LUKAS OFFICE - DAY In a fancy shmancy lawyers office. Old man Lukas enters through a door, carrying a cup of coffee, and sits behind the mahogany desk where the computer is. He shakes the mouse around to turn on the screen.

163.

When Windows 95 comes up, he opens Internet Explorer. Then he types in the URL for his own, personal website: WWW.LUKASATLAW.ORG Everything looks fine at first. It looks like a typical lawyers website; it has information and everything. But as he scrolls down an animated picture comes up. A GIF, a present from Lisa and the boys: TWO DOGS humping. Except the dog who is taking it in the bum has the face of the lawyer, Lukas. Lukas takes off his glasses and sets them down. He is in shock as he stares, but then his face turns angry. He opens his mouth. LUKAS WHAT THE F -CUT TO: INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY We return to Marks tree house, with Lisa and the boys, sitting around their laptop. Lisa, Spud, Marc, Chip, Ray, and Kenny are having an uproarious laugh. Their mischievous deed has been successfully executed. Eventually the laughter dies down. However, theyre still staring at the computer, smiling, slightly sniggering. At this moment the mobile phone in Chips pocket vibrates. He gets to his feet so he can answer it. Spud takes notice. CHIP (to Spud) I have to answer my cellphone. Spud nods, then turns back to the computer with the others. Chip goes to a corner of the tree house and answers his mobile. He flips open his Motorola. CHIP (CONTD) (on mobile phone) Elise? ELISE (O.S.) (on mobile phone) Hello, my lovely, sweetie pie. How are you?

164.

CHIP (mobile phone) Not so loud. I dont want the guys to hear. Chip glances at Lisa and the others. They are paying him no mind. ELISE (O.S.) (mobile phone) Awwww, how cute! Anyway, the grocery stores comin up. You want me to pick you up anything? Cause if not Ill jes head straight home. CHIP (mobile phone) Which grocery store again? ELISE (O.S.) The one that lets you borrow baskets, so you dont have to use bags. CHIP Aaah, alright. Can pick me up some Twizzlers? ELISE (O.S.) What about Red Vines? CHIP Thats like asking me to drink Pepsi. ELISE (O.S.) Alright then, Twizzlers it is. CHIP Thank you very much. ELISE (O.S.) Okay, I gotta go now, shnookums. I wanna talk more, but its really hard being on my cellphone, while driving, and using my iPad, and having coffee... So! Hugs and kisses? CHIP Hugs and kisses!

165.

ELISE (O.S.) Mwah! CHIP MWAH! He HANGS UP HIS MOBILE PHONE. Then he looks behind, does a double take. Lisa, Spud, Ray, Kenny, and Marc are standing around, grinning. Marc is about to say something, but Chip places a hand over his mouth to silence him. CHIP (CONTD) I know what you have to say is probably hilarious, but Id rather not hear it. Chip goes past everyone and nonchalantly takes a seat on top of a box. He opens a bag of crisps, puts one in his mouth, and bites down, all the whilst maintaining his manly gaze. Somewhat unnerving, yet somehow impressive. LISA Damn. I wish I could be that cool. Chip points his finger like a gun. CUT TO: EXT. KNOB HILL FARMS GROCERY STORE - DAY ELISE, Chips wife, is carrying a black plastic basket out of Knob Hill Farms Grocery Store. In her basket are exactly two packets of Twizzlers. Elise waddles through the car park and finds her car. She puts her items in the back, then get inside, and reverses out of her space. Exiting the lot she passes by Knob Hill Farms once again. A moment later, after shes gone, the automatic doors of the place slide open and we see a group of teenagers coming out. It is the good ol Y-GANG, comprising of: DICKO, SNAKE, SAM, RICK, BILLY and KRIS. Dicko leads the way out while the others follow. They look suspicious in their behaviour, like they are trying to hide themselves. Their clothes are way too big for the sizes that they are. They go down the sidewalk.

166.

DICKO Anyone one following? KRIS (glances) Dont think so. DICKO Good. CUT TO: EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY An abandoned alleyway. There is a burning garbage can, rubbish all around, and a shaft of light just about illuminating the area. In come the Y-GANG, Dicko, Snake, Sam, Ricky, Billy, and Kris. Fresh from the grocery store. They stop by a set of rusty chairs. DICKO Alright, here we are. BILLY This is the place? DICKO You got any better ideas, Einstein? BILLY I just think its kinda dirty thats all. DICKO Well, were already here. So, shut your fat face, and sit your down. Everyone, all six of the teenagers, sit down. Everyone goes into their pockets and takes out their (stolen) booze. Snake however has the most. The others watch him as he takes out bottle upon bottle. It seems like he has a whole supply underneath his jacket. SAM Jesus, how much booze you got in there? Did you shoplift the whole store? SNAKE They call me snake for a reason.

167.

Snake takes out a couple more bottles of booze until there is no more. He has a whole stockpile of alcohol sitting in front of him. And red plastic cups. KRIS (to Snake) You really are a master of the craft. DICKO Hey. I got a good amount as well, you know. He aint so great. KRIS Of course, baby. And you got the premium stuff too. Thats whats important, isnt it? Quality over quantity. SNAKE (sarcasm) Well, hey, guys, Im sorry. I tried my best. DICKO Its okay. Not everyone can be better than me, can they? SNAKE Heh. No, sir. DICKO Now, lets drink. Dicko and the others pick up their choice of booze to drink. They are slobberingly thirsty it seems. DICKO (CONTD) Easy on the juice, aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? Everyone slows up to listen. DICKO (CONTD) Some of it is for resale. KRIS Resale my ass. Why we always gotta give him a cut of what we get, huh? DICKO Because he provides certain services and protection.

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BILLY Pffft, who needs that shit, anyway? DICKO We need it, because when we earn him enough money hell let us into his organization. Then well be in the big leagues. Well have real opportunities to earn real money. RICKY How much money? DICKO $50,000. BILLY Thats it? DICKO A week. SNAKE 50 Gs a week? DICKO Mhm. SAM Thats a lot of cheddar. DICKO Sure is, goddamnit. So try not to screw this up. We could become millionaires. SAM That sounds really swell, but maybe we should have a backup plan. DICKO Like what? SAM Im thinking of -- dont make fun of me for this -- Im thinking of going to university. Dicko takes a swig of his beer. He intentionally splashes some of it on Sam. Sam is taken aback. SAM (CONTD) Yo!

169.

DICKO That is a dumb idea, Sam. Why would you wanna do that? Dont you know university is for suckers? You pay someone loads of money to teach you shit that youll never ever use in real life. SAM I never said I was taking gender studies, okay? DICKO Either way, its a dumb idea. Goin into debt to hear some old man flap his lips? Anything he has to teach you can read for free from the library. Really. Its not that hard to steal from those places. They hardly have anybody keeping watch. Sam gets out a tissue and starts dabbing off the beer on his clothes. SAM Hmph, fine. I wont go to university then. Since you think its such a dumb idea. DICKO Good. SAM (to self) Ill just stay here and be a nobody like you. DICKO Whats that? SAM N-nothing. Dicko stares at Sam. DICKO ...Drink up! Then he downs his bottle of alcohol, as quick as can be, and goes onto another in the very same manner. He wipes his mouth. CUT TO:

170.

EXT. GERARD STREET - DAY A beige van jumps over a speed hump and then comes racing down the street. Upon closer inspection we see that the Y-Gang is inside. Dicko is behind the wheel, while Kris is in the second captains seat. She has her body half way out the window, and she is screaming like a mad-woman. Her tongue is flapping to the side, and she is screaming: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Meanwhile the others, Snake, Sam, Ricky, and Billy are all in the back drinking, surrounded by empty alcohol bottles. None of them have their seat belts on of course. Just like Princess Diana. CUT TO: EXT. GERARD STREET, TRAFFIC LIGHT - DAY ELISE brings her car to a stop as the traffic lights turn red. She fiddles with the radio, while waiting patiently to go. She glances at her side view mirror, checking for other vehicles on the road. She stares through her window, and taps her fingers on the steering wheel as anyone else would do. Some seconds go by, and then of a sudden a woman appears beside Elises car. The woman named JACKIE taps on the side window. Elise looks and rolls it down. Slowly. JACKIE (agitated) Im so sorry to bother you, miss, but Im in a bit of trouble, and -ELISE Whats the trouble? JACKIE Flat tire. You dont happen to have a jack, do you? I know, I know, I should have my own, but I was cleaning my car, and I stupidly forgot to put it back. ELISE Oh, thats a real shame. JACKIE Sooooo -- ?

171.

ELISE I dunno. I have a strange feeling about this. Elise scratches the back of her neck. JACKIE Im not gonna rob you or anything. I only need to borrow your jack. ELISE Oh... Alright then! I guess Im being silly, huh? JACKIE A bit, yeah. ELISE Head on back to your car, miss. Ill bring you the jack in a second. JACKIE Thank you. (points) Its just down the road by the way. Elise nods and on that cue Jackie leaves. Now Elise looks into the mirror. She preens her hair, then takes out the keys to her car, puts it in park, and steps outside. She ambles around to the back, and opens the trunk. After taking out the jack she begins making her way to JACKIEs vehicle, which is behind. As she is walking she hears a girl screaming in the distance. But not a scream for help, a scream of wildness, and youth. It is the scream of the hooligan named KRIS. And then there is some more noise. The noise of honking. Suddenly Dickos BEIGE VAN makes an appearance. It speeds ahead without caution. Elise steps out of the way last second and just narrowly misses it. She has avoided death. She goes whew and wipes the sweat from her brow. ELISE That was close. She turns around and shakes her fist at the beige van, which is, at least to us (the audience), out of sight.

172.

ELISE (CONTD) Watch where youre going next time, you, you idiots! Suddenly Elises eyes go wide. She spins on her heels, and makes an attempt to run. But it is too late. The BEIGE VAN belonging to Dicko knocks her away, like a bowling pin. When it is gone she lands on the ground, dead in an instant. Her body lays on the asphalt, lifeless, oozing fresh blood. The last expression on her face is that of horror, cemented in her skin, and bones. Her eyes stare out, but there is nothing there. CUT TO: EXT. PINEWOOD CEMETERY - DAY Elises casket is being lowered into the ground as a CHOIR sings a sad church song. The priest stands solemnly with a Bible tucked beneath his arm. Chip, who is wearing sunglasses, is surrounded by friends and family, including Lisa, Spud, Ray, and Kenny. Marc however is NOT present. Everyone takes their turn to throw in a rose. But its too much to bear. Chip turns away, not able to face the burial of his beloved wife. Lisa puts her arm around him to comfort him. LISA (whispers) Its going to be okay. CUT TO: INT. WING WONGS SUPER BUFFET - DAY Lisa, Spud, Chip, Ray, and Kenny are all sat around a table, having some funeral food. Lisa, tender as always, is sitting beside Chip, consoling him as she sees necessary. Everyone eats slowly, trying to be as amicable as possible. Chip however doesnt seem to have an appetite at all. He just plays with his food, pushing it around with his fork. He still has on his sunglasses.

173.

KENNY ...Are you not hungry? Chip shrugs. KENNY (CONTD) Youre paying for all these people to eat. You should at least get your moneys worth. Chip shrugs again. KENNY (CONTD) At least have a little something. Kenny puts a dessert onto Chips plate. KENNY (CONTD) Try it. Its very good. Chip remains irresponsive. KENNY (CONTD) No? SPUD Hes not hungry, Kenny. Leave him alone. Kenny takes back his dessert. SPUD (CONTD) Lets just enjoy our food in peace, okay? Everyone then eats silently. A feeling of discomfort is hanging in the air. CHIP Fellas, you can talk if you want. I dont mind. RAY You sure? CHIP (stammering) Im, Im, yes, Im sure. Nothing is said for a while. Lisa starts tapping her fingers on the table. Then finally speaks up.

174.

LISA So! Did you hear about the, uh, man who married a goat? RAY A man married a goat? LISA Mhm, and they had kids together. RAY Really? Is that possible? LISA No, that...that was supposed to be a joke. RAY I dont get it. MARC (O.S.) I get it. Suddenly Marc appears. He is carrying a plate piled high with food. He puts it down on the table. MARC (CONTD) You see, Raymond, my dear friend, kids is a term used for both humans and goats alike. So, saying that they have kids together suggests the plausibility of an impossibility, thereby creating a juxtaposition, and a most humorous notion, in which two disparate species are reproducing together. Kenny leans forward. KENNY If you have to explain a joke its probably not funny. MARC Unless the explanation of the joke is itself a joke. Its called metahumor -- perhaps youve heard of it? SPUD Damnit, Marc. Sit down. Marc pushes Lisa half off her chair and sits down beside her.

175.

SPUD (CONTD) Where the hell were you? MARC Im sorry, guys. I simply couldnt attend the funeral. LISA And why is that? MARC D-uh! Im afraid of zombies -- and ghosts. LISA There were no zombies or ghosts at the funeral. MARC Yeah, but there were black people. They scare me too. Chip lifts his head to look at Marc. MARC (CONTD) I kid, I kid! I love black people. Theyre very cool. And the women, oh, so gorgeous. Those big booty butt cheeks, and luscious lips, they just, oh, omigod, its too good to be true. Thats why I feel real bad for you, Chip. Its a shame your wifes gone. She was something else. CHIP Thank you -- I think. MARC Im serious. She was WOW. She was like a parking ticket. She had fine written all over her. No one really knows how to respond. They look at each other, slightly annoyed and equally confused. LISA ...So, you only like black women, huh? MARC Oh yeah. Definitely. It all started when I was a kid. I developed a love affair with chocolate.

176.

LISA Interesting. MARC Im sorry, Lisa, but youre not my type. I plain dont like white chicks. Youre too thin. You look an alligator, trying to pass as a human being. Lisa gives Marc her slitty eyes. LISA Id rather be an alligator than a potato. You! Youre a potato! MARC I am not a potato. And if I was a potato, Id be a batch of French fries. Crispy and delicious. FYI: In your backwards country they call them chips. LISA I know that Im not stupid. MARC Hooooo really? LISA Yeah really, you potato! MARC Stop calling me a potato! Spud slaps his hands down on the table. SPUD HEY! Marc and Lisa pause their bickering. SPUD (CONTD) A mans just lost his wife here. I know you two have never been through such a thing, but thats still no excuse. Please. Have some consideration. Lisa look ashamed. LISA Im sorry.

177.

Meanwhile Marc has his arms folded. SPUD And you? MARC Me? SPUD Yeah, are you not sorry as well? MARC Sorry for what? SPUD Being a jerk. MARC (realizes) Oh! Yeah. Of course. Im very sorry, Chip. I should be more sensitive at time like this. CHIP Dont worry about it. SPUD (sigh) Its tough losing someone you love, isnt it? Kenny, Spud, and Chip all have pained expressions on their faces, like they have to take a shit, but cant. Chip gets up from the table. RAY Where you going? CHIP I need some fresh air. RAY Want me to come along? CHIP No. Theres not enough fresh air for the both of us. Chip saunters away. When he is out of sight the others voice their concerns. LISA You think hes gonna be okay?

178.

RAY I dunno. KENNY Maybe someone should keep an eye on him. MARC MAAAAAN, you guys need to chillax. SPUD Whats that? MARC Chip is a fully grown man. Hes not a baby. You dont need to keep an eye on him. Im sure hell be fine on his own. CUT TO: EXT. WING WONGS BUILDING, 10TH STORY LEDGE - DAY Chip is outside, standing on a window ledge, high up on the 11th floor of a stark white building, which serves to house various tenants, and Wing Wongs Super Buffet. He is looking down, past his feet, having a serious case of vertigo. His breathing is heavy and labored. He wants to jump, but there are collection of people on ground level, urging him not to jump. These people include the police and fire department, and a plethora of gawkers. The firemen are holding out a life net. The young FIRE CAPTAIN, who is speaking through a megaphone, is trying to coax Chip into not jumping off. FIRE CAPTAIN Dont jump! Its not worth it! Think about the consequences! Theres so much to live for in life! CHIP Like? FIRE CAPTAIN Like... Um... Jeez. Ive never had anyone ask me that question before. Um, well, ummm, uhhh... (MORE)

179. FIRE CAPTAIN (CONT'D) Next month theyre releasing a new iPhone! Thats exciting, isnt it?

Chip rolls his eyes and puts one foot forward as if to jump. RAY (O.S.) (via megaphone) WAIT! Chip holds his position. His foot is dangling.. He looks down and sees Ray holding the Fire Captains megaphone. Surrounding him are Ray are Lisa, Spud, Kenny, and Marc. RAY (CONTD) (megaphone) Dont jump! Chip slowly steps back. RAY (CONTD) (megaphone) The Fire Captains right. There is so much to live for in life -- and Im not talking about the new iPhone. CHIP Oh yeah? Name one thing! Gimme one good reason why I shouldnt jump and make myself look like a Kevin Pollack painting. Ray hesitates to answer as he is thinking. CHIP (CONTD) See! I knew it! You cant even give me one good reason to stick around. You know why? Because there is no good reason for me to stick around. I have nothing -- Im old. Im unattractive. My joints and muscles constantly hurt. My brains become mush. I think Ive lost my keys when theyre actually in my hand. I dont know how to use a computer, this supposed gateway into another, amazing world. The things I used to enjoy, like music, TV, and films, have become scary and weird to me. I cross the road when I see teenagers. If I eat anything remotely tasty, Ill drop dead from a heart attack, or get sick. I cant even masturbate; (MORE)

180. CHIP (CONTD) my penis doesnt work. I involuntarily poop myself sometimes. But the worst thing is all my friends I used to hang out with are dead, my pets are dead, and now my wife is dead! The only woman I ever truly loved is gone. Why shouldnt I join her?

MARC (to Lisa) Hes got a point there. Lisa shushes Marc by gesturing, putting a finger against her nose. CHIP WELL? What do you have to say to that? Kenny whispers something into Rays ear. Ray turns his attention back toward Chip. RAY (megaphone) Um, apparently, Kenny knows someone whos interested in you. Romantically. Her names Carlena. CHIP You want me to replace my wife? We just buried her! Kenny whispers again into Rays ear. He hands Ray a picture of Carlena. Ray glances at it and then looks up. RAY (megaphone) Would like to see her photo? Shes quite good looking -- for her age. She reminds me of Paula Deen, but not quite as chunky. CHIP ...Are you trying to kill me or save me? Because Im genuinely confused right now. Spud takes the megaphone away from Ray. SPUD Gimme that.

181.

Spud clears his throat, then puts the megaphone up to his mouth. SPUD (CONTD) (megaphone) Young man... I mean... CHIP! I am giving you till the count of three to go back through that window, and come down safely. Otherwise there will be consequences. Three, two -CHIP Im not 5 years old! That wont work on me! SPUD (to self) Damnit. KENNY (to Spud) Let me try. Spud reluctantly gives the megaphone to Kenny. Kenny puts it up to his mouth, and, preparing, clears his throat. The awful, scraping, echoing sound makes everyone wince. Nevertheless on with the show. KENNY (CONTD) (megaphone) Heres a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Dont worry, be happy. In every life we have some trouble, when you worry you make it double. Dont worry, be happy... Dont worry, be happy now! The crowd joins in, singing the oooohs and wooohs. They snap their fingers and whistle along. KENNY (CONTD) (singing into megaphone, along with all the others) Dont worry, be happy. Dont worry be happy. Dont worry, be happy. Dont worry, be happy! The music stops. Chip looks down. Silent for a moment, he then speaks.

182.

CHIP YOU NEVER WROTE THAT SONG. KENNY (megaphone) Hmmm? CHIP You said you wrote that song. But I know you didnt. You have no musical talent whatsoever. And Im not insulting you. Youve even admitted it yourself. You said, and I quote: Jews have no rhythm. KENNY (megaphone) That was self-deprecating humor! For all you know I could be a famous, underground, jazz, tap dancing master. If you will -Kenny makes Spud hold the megaphone, then does a dance number. He looks like Bugs Bunny on acid. Thankfully it soon finishes when he throws up his arms and goes: Yeah! KENNY (CONTD) (after finishing his dance number) Yeah! As everyone waits, Kenny remains frozen in his last position. His arms are out and his head is still. He is barely, at ths point, smiling. LISA Is something the matter? KENNY I cant move. I hurt my back. MARC Dont worry, Ill fix it. KENNY No, no, no, stay away from me! Marc approaches Kenny, and punches him in the spine. Kenny holds his back, in pain, and screams. KENNY (CONTD) AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

183.

But everything turns out okay. Kenny stops screaming. His back is fixed. He twists, testing out. KENNY (CONTD) Oooh, you fixed it. I cant believe that worked. As a doctor, Im baffled. (to Marc) When did you come up with this strange methodology to cure back pain? MARC When I had the urge to punch you in the spine...several seconds ago. Kenny feels stupid. He blinks. KENNY Right. Of course. Meanwhile, above, Chip is still standing on the ledge. CHIP Hellooooo! Has everyone forgotten about me already? Marc rolls his eyes. MARC (to everyone but Chip) Ugh, what an attention whore... I think Ill have a chat with him. Marc takes the megaphone. But then Lisa grabs it away last second. LISA I dont think thats a good idea. MARC What do you mean? I know how to negotiate? Why, I saw that movie: Dog Day Afternoon. I remember because it made me go out and buy a dog. A wiener dog. LISA Let me do the talking. Please. Spud puts his hand on Lisas shoulder. SPUD Good luck.

184.

Lisa uses the megaphone. She tilts back her head to see up. LISA (megaphone) Chip... Umm, Mr. Chip... Chip looks down. LISA (CONTD) (megaphone) I understand that Im young. I dont have the same life experiences which you have. And until I reach your advanced age, I will probably never be able to fathom what its like to walk a day in your slippers. But that doesnt mean I dont care. You think youre all alone in the world right now, and no one loves you anymore, but... Thats bollocks! Im here for you! All of us down here, were all here for you! I know that youre sad, because for the first time ever, youll be facing a future without your beautiful wife. But well be here. The future can be with us. Stay. Stay damnit. Theres so much left to live for. Moments of joy that you dont yet know exist -- that could be with us, people who love you. We, we love you. CHIP Really? LISA (megaphone) Yes. Of course. Ray takes the megaphone. RAY (megaphone) I LOVE YOU. Then the megaphone is handed to Kenny. KENNY (megaphone) I love you too. Now Marcs turn.

185.

MARC (megaphone) I love you more than all the others combined -- times a million quadrillion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lisa rolls her eyes. LISA (whispers) Its not a contest. MARC (whispers back) Who says? LISA Never mind. Lisa takes the megaphone and hands it to Spud. Spud reluctantly brings it up to his mouth. SPUD (megaphone) Chip, I... Everyone looks at him, hoping, waiting for him to do the same as the others. But it is a struggle for him. He is actually sweating. SPUD (CONTD) (megaphone) I... LISA (whispers) Go on. SPUD (megaphone) I... I DONT KNOW! I dont know what love is! How can I make a statement about something that I dont understand? Its damned dishonest is what it is. Lisa and the others stare at Spud, both with confusion, and pity. Maybe a bit of annoyance. SPUD (CONTD) What?

186.

Then reality sets in. We look up. Chip might actually jump! It certainly seems that way as his eyes are closed, and he has arms spread out. His leg is sticking out. RAY Oh, I think hes gonna jump. MARC Prepare for the splat! Marc takes out an umbrella and pops it open, above his head. Meanwhile, Kenny is covering his eyes; Lisa is biting down on her own hand; Spud and Ray have their mouths agape The crowd is in silent awe, watching. And then in the blink of an eye, Chip makes the decision to leap without looking, and he plummets toward the ground. Finally, he disappears in the circle of firemen holding out the life net. An anxious moment passes -- then Chips head suddenly pops up. He is unscathed. FIREMAN JACK, who is helping to hold the life net, announces: FIREMAN JACK ...Hes okay! The crowd is disappointed. They go AWWWWWWWWWW -- but not in a good way. THE MAN WITH THE MOBILE PHONE, whos making a video, is miffed. THE MAN WITH THE MOBILE PHONE Man, WHAT a rip off. He puts away his mobile phone, and now that the excitements over the crowd turns around, and begin to disperse. Chip steps off the life net, and gets to good, steady ground. As he walks ahead, Lisa, Spud, Marc, Ray, and Kenny run over to him. Unlike the bystanders they are most pleased. KENNY (really happy, gesturing) Hes alive -- hes aliiive! CHIP (a little embarrassed) ...Thanks. RAY We need to celebrate.

187.

CHIP Well... Marc throws his hands into the air. MARC STRIP CLUUUUUUUUUUUUB! No one seems up for the idea. Their silence says it all. Theyre old fashioned and their trouser snakes dont work. Lisa shakes her head no. Marc slowly puts down his arms, and then folds em. MARC (CONTD) Awww, man. You guys suck. LISA I know. How about we celebrate with a group hug instead? MARC A group hug? LISA GROUP HUG! ENGLISH STYLE, YAW! Lisa, Kenny, Ray, Marc, and a lady named MARGARET, who suspiciously looks like Queen Elizabeth, descend upon Chip for a warm, group hug; meanwhile Spud is standing outside of the circle. Lisa looks back and sees him standing there. LISA (CONTD) Arent you going to come join the group hug? SPUD Hug? My male friends? Ew, yuck. What am I, Richard Simmons? LISA Cmon. Dont be such a curmudgeon. It feels good. Its like a hot cup of tea on a chilly, winter afternoon in London. East London. SPUD Yeaaah, I dont think so. Suddenly Lisa breaks away from the group hug, and then runs over to Spud, and positions herself behind him.

188.

SPUD (CONTD) Whatre you -She starts pushing against his back, forcing him forward. LISA Hugs! Everyone needs hugs! Spud tries digging in his heels, but is eventually joined with the others, pressed up against their crusty, aging bodies. SPUD Uhhhh... Lisa spreads out her arms and wraps Spud into the group hug. Now they are all hugging. Sort of. LISA Now, isnt this nice? SPUD Its okay. I guess. Spud has an awkward look on his face. The hug is going on for longer than he thinks it should. According to Stephen Fry on QI, a hug should be 3 to 4 seconds long, maximum. CUT TO: EXT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY TO NIGHT TO DAY A domed synagogue sits peacefully. The day turns into night, and the night turn back into day. Its now the early morning. Birds are out chirping, and the sun is beginning to shine. Several people arrive and enter the synagogue, including Kenny, who seems to be alone. CUT TO: INT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY It is bright, and beautiful, and smells like rye bread. Service has yet to begin. Kenny enters the synagogue and ambles to the front to find a seat. He comes to a bench, and pauses when he sees a man at the end, wearing a yamaka, which is rested atop curly, grey hair.

189.

The man in the Yamaka turns to the side and smiles... ARGH! Its Chip! KENNY (surprised) Chip. W-whatre you doing here? CHIP Im a Jew. KENNY No, youre not. CHIP Then how come people always call me a Jew when I use coupons at a restaurant? KENNY I think thats anti-Semitism. CHIP Is it? KENNY Yah. CHIP Anyway, why dont you have a seat? Chip pats the empty spot next to him. Kenny reluctantly sits down. KENNY Soooo, what are you doing here again? CHIP Well, after a lonely night filled with alcohol, a bottle of NyQuil, and a long session of mastur... Carlena, who is passing by, pauses and gives Chip a sidelong glance. Chips sees her and gets flustered. CHIP (CONTD) ...m-mastering the, uh, uh, art of, uh, FRENCH COOKING, I decided to make a positive change in my life. Chip watches Carlena walks away.

190.

KENNY Wait a minute. You know about French cooking? Can you make me some macarons? CHIP No. KENNY Why not? You said you mastered the art of French cooking. In a single night, no less. But youre a smart person, I believe it. CHIP Kenny, I dont know anything about French cooking. KENNY Then why did you say you did? CHIP Because that lady was looking at me. KENNY Oh, Carlena. Yeah, so what? Chip whispers into Kennys ear. KENNY (CONTD) (very loud) EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YOU MASTURBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE! Chip is embarrassed. He flaps his hands, as if trying to put out a fire. CHIP Not so loud! I was feeling depressed, okay? I needed to fight through the tears with an activity. Kenny calms down. KENNY Still. Its very yucky. CHIP Yucky? Youre a doctor. You of all people should be tolerant. You probably hear about people touching themselves all the time.

191.

KENNY Yes, but I dont know any of their names. CHIP Look, I didnt come to this synagogue to be shamed like a Catholic. I came here to tell you something. KENNY Go on. CHIP As I was saying, I... Last night, I was doing some thinking, and I had an epiphany. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I came to the conclusion that I should be helping out other people, making them happy instead of focusing solely on myself. This is my new purpose in life. KENNY What is this new purpose exactly? CHIP Match maker. I want to be a match maker. Chip gets up to sing. CHIP (CONTD) (singing) Match maker, match maker, make me a match. Match maker, match maker, find me a catch. Match maker, match maker -KENNY STOP! Chip pauses and looks back. CHIP Those arent the lyrics. Kenny grabs him by the cloth, and pulls him back down into his seat. KENNY Sit down, sit down.

192.

CHIP Whats the problem? KENNY You dont want to get sued for copyright infringement, do you? CHIP Who is going to sue us? Kenny is shifty-eyed. KENNY Im not a racist, but we are in a synagogue. A lot of us are lawyers. Suddenly a mans head pops up behind Chip and Kenny. It is round head -- round like a fucking orange. The owner of this head is named BERNIE. BERNIE Did someone say lawyer? Kenny (barley) looks back. KENNY Go away, you leech. BERNIE Fine, but when you want to sue someone, Ill be here. Bernie slowly sinks down, and disappears. CHIP That was weird. KENNY You know whats weird? A kitten with two heads. (pointing back with thumb) That -- thats just creepy. CHIP Agreed. KENNY Now, what were you saying? Something about match making? CHIP Yes. I want to be a match maker, Kenny, and I want to help people with their love lives too.

193.

KENNY ...Why? CHIP This is what Janene would want. She would want me to do something good with my life, rather than moaning and groaning about her. KENNY That is very noble of you, Chip. CHIP Thank you. Chip goes into his pocket and gives Kenny his business card. CHIP (CONTD) Heres my business card. Kenny looks at the business card, which is hand drawn. KENNY Very nice. CHIP Thank you, and will you do me a favor? KENNY Anything. CHIP Will you be my first client? KENNY How much? CHIP Free! KENNY So, what? You think because Im a Jew I cant pay you good money? It has to be free? CHIP No, Im doing it because youre my friend. Also, you Jews dont have a monopoly on this whole cheap stereotype. Okay? What about us? What about black people?

194.

KENNY What about African Americans? CHIP Im not from Africa. KENNY Okay. Ummm, BLACKS. CHIP Well, sir, Im saying we can be cheap too, yknow. KENNY (scoffs) Oh, really? You think you think you can out cheap a Jew? You think youre smarter than us? You think you can find a better deal than yours truly? (points to self) Let me tell you something, mister. Our people have been bargaining, and getting good deals, since we first existed. You know Manhattan? CHIP I know Manhattan. KENNY Well, were the ones who got that for $24.00. They wanted fifty, but we said nuh-uh, and we talked them down to a reasonable price. CHIP Really? Wow. I never knew that. KENNY Mhm. We are geniuses at the skill of financial negotiations. Amongst other things. CHIP Aw, gee. My storys not as good as yours. KENNY Tell me it anyway.

195.

CHIP Its nothing. I went to a restaurant the other day, and after using a coupon, I convinced the waitress to give me a free dessert: Jello that was going to expire the next day. No big deal. Its not like negotiating for, I dunno, MANHATTAN. KENNY Hey, dont beat yourself up. Bargaining for a free dessert isnt too bad. Actually, its kinda cute. CHIP Dont patronize me, Kenny. I get enough of that at restaurants. You know what happened after I asked that waitress for that free dessert? KENNY What? CHIP I overheard her calling black people cheap, saying we dont give tips. KENNY Isnt that kinda racist? CHIP Yes, it is racist. I always leave a 20% tip MINIMUM. KENNY Wait. So, did you leave her a tip? CHIP At first I was thinking about leaving her a 100% tip to prove that she was wrong. But then I thought that I would be rewarding her racism. Instead I decided to spit in her food. KENNY Dont you have it backwards? Shouldnt she be the one spitting in your food?

196.

CHIP Yes, usually, but it didnt happen to work out that way. KENNY How did you do it? CHIP When the staff went out for a cigarette break, I snuck into kitchen, found her bagged lunch, and spit straight into her tuna sandwich. It was really quite creamy. I dont think she wouldve noticed. KENNY That is disgusting. CHIP You know what else is disgusting? Not having someone to love in your life! And thats why I want to help you get back with your ex-wife. KENNY Which ex-wife? CHIP Umm, the one thats up and coming. Whats her name again? KENNY Josephine. CHIP Thats right. Josephine. I am going to get you and Josephine back together. I am going to be your personal cupid. Think of me as a black cupid. Basically, Im just like cupid, except Im black and, Ill be wearing sunglasses. Chip takes on sunglasses and puts them on his face. KENNY Uuuuuuh -- no. CHIP Why not?

197.

KENNY What do you know about love? What are your qualifications? CHIP 40 years of a solid marriage, no quarrels, no anger, no desire to be separated, complete trust, happiness, and genuine love -- I think that counts for something. KENNY (whispers) ...Damn you. CHIP So, how about it? KENNY I think you should help out Thomas instead. CHIP Who? KENNY Spud. CHIP Oh, right. I forgot thats not his real name. KENNY I know his daughters here visiting, and everything, but hes still a crotchety, old loner. He definitely needs more romantic guidance than me. CHIP Okay, look. I dont like to be a negative Nelly, but I cant help Spud. His relationSHIP -- emphasis on the ship -- has already sailed. And yknow what? It went out into the waters, and it sunk like it was being captained by an Italian. KENNY Say what? CHIP That relationship is over, Kenny! Theyve both moved on. (MORE)

198. CHIP (CONT'D) Why, I bet Spud is already on ChristianMingle.com. (looks into camera) The best place for single Christians to mingle with other Christians and meet online.

Kenny snaps his fingers in front of Chips face. KENNY Im over here. Chip turns his head back to Kenny. CHIP Yes? KENNY What makes you so sure that Spud and Janene are totally through? Hmm? CHIP (reluctant) Well, Im not really supposed to -KENNY Spill it! CHIP (deep breath) Janenesboninganotherguy! KENNY What? Already!? CHIP I know, and hes Canadian too. So you know shes having her needs met -- if you know what I mean. KENNY Ho, Sweet Moses. How did you find this out? CHIP I went to visit Spud, and he asked me to get something from his room, and there it was. He left his diary open on his dresser. I couldnt resist. Kenny sniggers.

199.

KENNY Heh, he has a diary? CHIP Its good way to express yourself emotionally. And you shouldnt be laughing. Whats happened is very tragic. KENNY I completely agree, and I have sympathy for him -- but you have to go now. CHIP What, why? KENNY Service is about to begin. That and I dont want you sticking around, trying to fix my love life. CHIP Oh, cmon. KENNY No, I cant. CHIP Oh, cmon. KENNY NO, I cant. CHIP Oh, CMON. KENNY Chip, for the last time, Im not going to accept your help. I mean youre unproven. You dont even have a track record. CHIP If I did? KENNY Mmmmaybe. CHIP I take that as a challenge. KENNY Alright, you better get going now.

200.

Kenny looks around, more people are entering the synagogue. KENNY (CONTD) People are coming in. CHIP Wait. KENNY What? Chip points to a menorah. CHIP Can I have that menorah? Ive always wanted one. KENNY Uh, I dont own the synagogue. Its not my menorah. Chip stands up. CHIP I think Im gonna take it anyway. Im sure no one will mind. You already have so many. KENNY Erm -Chip walks off screen, then we hear him picking up the menorah, and starting to leave. Someone named SHTUDEBAGER spots him. SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) What are you doing with that menorah? Hey, hey! Come back, you scurvy thief! Thats property of Yahweh! CHIP (O.S.) No way! SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) Yeah way! Sound of running. CHIP (O.S.) Mwah-ha-ha! Catch me, if you can! Sound of falling, and a menorah dropping -- which Kenny winces to.

201.

CHIP (O.S.) (CONTD) OWWWWWWWWWWW! MY BACK! MY BEAUTIFUL BACK! SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) Ha-ha! Thats what you get for being an awful person! Instantaneous karma! Sound of another person falling. This time it is Shtudebager. CHIP (O.S.) Omigod, you fell too! SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) I know! My back! My beautiful back! How ironic that I am a chiropractor! CHIP (O.S.) Wait, I think I see someone coming. (to other person) Sir, can you help us off the floor? Weve fallen and we cant get up. MORDECHAI is glad to help. MORDECHAI (O.S.) Ah, of course I can help you! Thats what a good Jew does! Or should I say a good Samaritan? SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) Just help us. MORDECHAI (O.S.) Alright, relax. Keep on your trousers. Mordechai bends over and tries to lift Chip. MORDECHAI (O.S.) (CONTD) Here we go. And a three, and a two, and one, and a -But when he pulls up he throws out his back. We hear a loud CRACKING sound, accompanied by a scream. MORDECHAI (O.S.) (CONTD) AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) What happened!? I cant see.

202.

MORDECHAI (O.S.) I have injured my beautiful back by overestimating my physical abilities -- and to think, I used to be a bodybuilder! How ironic. SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) I know, thats what I said about myself too. MORDECHAI (O.S.) Really? SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) I swear its true. CHIP (O.S.) Sorry, I, I dont think thats ironic. SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) Is that so? Well, at any rate, it was more of a guess. I mean does anyone actually know what the term ironic means? MORDECHAI (O.S.) No, no one knows. Its confusing. English is confusing. For example, why is the word wound and wound pronounced differently? Theyre spelt the same. If Seinfeld were here he would say: What is the deal with that? SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) Yes, what is the deal with that? (looks) Oh, look its my dear wife. Honey, can you call for help? Weve injured ourselves. MOREEN stops to help. SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) (CONTD) Wait, what are you doing? MOREEN (O.S.) Im going to help you, stupid. SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) No, no, dont --

203.

Moree makes an effort to get her husband Shtudebager off the floor, but then... MOREEN (O.S.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! ...She injures herself with a CRACK. SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) What did I tell you? What did I just tell you? MOREEN (O.S.) How ironic. Imagine, when I was a child I survived the Holocaust, one of the most horrific events in the world, and here I am subdued by a simple gesture. CHIP (O.S.) Again, I dont think thats ironic. Its just unfortunate. MOREEN (O.S.) Either way, I wont be walking for weeks, because I am in so much pain... AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) AOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! MORDECHAI (O.S.) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! CHIP (O.S.) HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOREEN (O.S.) ARAUGHHHUHUHUHUHUH! ANOTHER JEW comes by. ANOTHER JEW (O.S.) Oh, look. There are some people in need of help here. CHIP (O.S.) No, no, no, no -We hear a cracking noise once again.

204.

ANOTHER JEW (O.S.) AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY BACK, MY BEAUTIFUL BACK! AUGHHHHHHHHHHH! SHTUDEBAGER (O.S.) AUGHHHHHHHHHHH! MOREEN (O.S.) AUGHHHHHHHHHHH! MORDECHAI (O.S.) AUGHHHHHHHHHHH! CHIP (O.S.) AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Kenny, who has been watching all this time, slaps his own forehead possibly in embarrassment. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, BASEMENT - DAY A shaft of light is shining through the small basement window as Lisa looks through all of the cardboard boxes that are haphazardly laying around. She goes from box to box, opening and closing the tops, seeing what they contain. One particular box catches her attention. She reaches in and takes out a bundle of old photos, black and white, held together by an elastic. She takes off the elastic and looks at them. There is an assortment of pictures of Spud in his youth, with Janene, his family and friends, and even his platoon. Suddenly we hear the sound of the DOORBELL from upstairs. This makes Lisa jump. She puts away the photos, hastily, and runs upstairs. Very guilty behavior. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, SPUDS BEDROOM - DAY As the DOORBELL RINGS Spud is fast asleep, on his back, snoring on his bed. There is a book half open in his hand: PARENTING FOR DUMMIES. CUT TO:

205.

INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - DAY Lisa answers the door and finds herself standing in front of Chip. Chip has on a bowtie and a button-up shirt. He is grinning. CHIP Good evening, young lady. Is your father or mother home? LISA What is this? CHIP (clears throat) I need to speak with Spud. LISA Just a minute. Lisa turns her head back. LISA (CONTD) SPUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD! WAKE UUUUP! THERES SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOOOOOU! SPUD (O.S.) (voice somewhat groggy) WHOOOOOO IS IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT?! LISA CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP! ITS CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP! SPUD (O.S.) CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIP WHOOOOOO?! LISA CHIIIIP FROM YOUR FREAKING TREEEEE HOUSE CLUB! SPUD (O.S.) WHAAAAAAAATS HIIIIIS LAAAAST NAAAAAAAME?! LISA I DONT KNOOOOOW! HEEEE NEVEEEER TOOOOOOLD MEEEEE! SPUD (O.S.) YOOOOU MUUUUUUUUST KNOOOOOW!

206.

LISA IIII DONT KNOOOOW! IIIIIIM NOOOOOT PSYCHIC SAAAAALLY! SPUD (O.S.) PSYHIIIIC SALLYYYYYYYY?! LISA SOME TWAAAAT FROM THE TELEEEEEE! SPUD (O.S.) OKAAAAY! IM COMIIIING DOOOWN! DOOOOO YOOOU KNOW WHERE IIII PUUUUT MY PAAAANTS?! LISA YOUR WHAAAAAT? SPUD (O.S.) MY TROUSERRRS! THE ONE WITH THE ZIPUP POCKEEEEETS! LISA ITS OUT TO DRRRYYYYYYYYYY! SPUD (O.S.) WHEEEEEEEEEEEERE?! LISA OUTSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE! SPUD (O.S.) OUTSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE?! LISA OUTSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE! We hear Spud leaving his room, and then coming down the stairs. When we see him we notice he is wearing what he wore when he fell asleep, and a piece of his hair is sticking up, straight into the air. He goes to the door to see Chip. SPUD CHIIIIIIIIIP! What are you doing here? CHIP I need to speak to you. (whispers) In private.

207.

SPUD (whispers back) ...Why are you whispering? CHIP Hold on a second. Chip reaches for Spuds head, and tries pushing down his errant piece of hair. However, it springs back up. Chip gives it a couple more tries, but nothing works. CHIP (CONTD) Eeh, never mind. He gives up. SPUD You were saying? CHIP I need some privacy first. SPUD For what? Just tell me. CHIP I dunnooo. SPUD Chip. I dont have all day, okay... Actually I do, but Id rather be sleeping. CHIP Spud. How do you feel about your daughter dating? SPUD To be honest, Id prefer that she be single her entire life, and die completely alone -- but she is a young adult, I cant stop her from doing anything she wants to do. Such is the way of the modern world. CHIP I know, tragic, aint it? BUT Ive already arranged a date for her, and I think you should convince her to go.

208.

LISA (to Chip) Im standing right here. You can just talk directly to me, if you want. SPUD (to Chip) Why would you arrange a date for my daughter? CHIP In short -- or as the kids say, too long; didnt read -- I am on a mission to help people find love and romance in their pitiful lives. Its sorta my new reason for being. Well, ever since my beautiful wife, Elise, tragically passed away. Chip sniffles ever so slightly. Spud meanwhile has a pained expression on his face. SPUD (to Chip) Uuuuuh, let me think about it for a moment, huh? (to Lisa) What do you think about going on a blind date? By the way it doesnt mean what you think it means. Your date wont actually be blind. LISA I am aware of what that means. Also, I already have a boyfriend. I cant go on any dates. Unless its with him. Chip is thinking. CHIP Are you sure you have a boyfriend? LISA Pretty sure. CHIP How come Ive never seen him then, hmmm? LISA Because hes a magician.

209.

Spud nudges Lisa. LISA (CONTD) Only joking. Hes not a magician. CHIP So, where is he? LISA In the United Kingdom. CHIP Is that anythng like the United States? LISA Not exactly. CHIP And what does your boyfriend do exactly? LISA Im not really sure. Some type of home business, I think. CHIP eBay? LISA Sometimes he uses eBay. Chip looks disappointed. CHIP Well, okay then. I guess Ill be on my way now. Im sorry for having wasted your time. He turns around, head hanging low, and begins to leave. Spud whispers to Lisa. SPUD I think you should go on this date. LISA You were here a couple seconds ago when I mentioned I had a boyfriend, right? Spud has his hands clasped together, as if begging. SPUD Please?

210.

LISA Im not going to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend for a movie with Matthew Mcconaughey, and, possibly, McDonalds. Spud points to Chip, who is slowly, sadly walking away. SPUD But, but -- look at him. Look at how sad and pathetic he looks. He wanted to make a difference in someones life and help them out, and now youre robbing him of that opportunity. LISA Since when did you get sentimental? SPUD What? You think I cant get sentimental? You think Im some sort of stiff, emotionless, constantly frowning, old man? LISA Yes. SPUD Well... Either way, youre going on that date. LISA You cant make me. SPUD Oh no? Then Spud puts his face close to Lisas, and stares at her dead on, as if hes trying to put a hole straight through her head. In response, Lisas eyes dart, side to side. She is highly confused about what is going on. LISA Sorry. Is anyone else here feeling really uncomfortable? And confused? SPUD Im trying to hypnotize you into going on that date.

211.

LISA For your information... Lisa steps back to get some face space. LISA (CONTD) ...hypnosis doesnt work that way. It only helps you do things that you already want to do. SPUD So, youre saying it doesnt actually do anything at all? LISA Pretty much. SPUD (sighs) Fine. Never mind. Forget about going on that date. It was a stupid idea anyway. LISA Yes, it was quite stupid. SPUD Youre not supposed to agree. LISA Im an honest person, what can I say? SPUD Bah, am going back to bed. Spud turns and starts to walk away. SPUD (CONTD) But let me know if you change your mind. Lisa calls to him as he is headed upstairs. LISA Im not going to change my mind! CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LISAS BEDROOM - DAY, NIGHT We watch the window as DAY TURNS INTO NIGHT.

212.

And then Lisa, in pyjamas, enters the room, and slips into bed with a yawn. In a thinking mood, she stares up at nothing, and thinks to herself out loud. LISA Maybe Im being too stubborn. Maybe I should change my mind. After all, its only a single, innocent date. Plus, itll make him happy... She puts her hands together, decidedly, with a clap. LISA (CONTD) Alright, Ill do it! She springs out of bed and goes to the dresser, where she opens her head, as if on a hinge, and takes out her brain. She places it in a large, empty, glass jar and exchanges it for a new one. She flips up the top of her skull, which is hanging to the side, and puts it back into its original position. It now appears completely normal. LISA (CONTD) See, its not that hard to change your mind, is it? CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LISAS BEDROOM - NIGHT Lisas eyes suddenly open. She touches her head, worriedly. She lets out a breath of relief when she realizes it was just a dream. LISA Whew! It was just a dream. She touches her throat. LISA (CONTD) God. I need some water. And she sits up. Then a monstrous, green hand, from the GREEN MONSTER, gives her a glass of water. GREEN MONSTER Here you go. LISA Thank you.

213.

Lisa sips her glass of water, like everything is totally normal. GREEN MONSTER Hey, uh, not trying to annoy you or anything, but I kinda clogged the toilet. No pun intended; I had a monster shit. You think a plumbers available at this time of night? She looks at the Green Monster and screams. CUT TO: EXT. GORDONS SEAFOOD DIET RESTAURANT - DAY Here lies Gordons Seafood Diet Restaurant. Seafood Diet: You see food, you eat it... WA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Anyways, its really cool looking. It has lights, and a giant shark bursting out of the wall. Beneath there is a rowboat, and a plastic statue of a fisherman, holding a spear. An OLDSMOBILE pulls up to the curb side and pauses. (Pauses because its still running.) In this car we see none other than the duo, Spud and Lisa. Lisa being in the passengers side. She turns her head and looks out. SPUD Here we are, Gordons Famous Seafood Diet Restaurant. LISA What makes it famous? SPUD Eh, a bunch of people got food poisoning, and three of them died. LISA This doesnt sound like a place where I want to eat. SPUD Dont be a prude. No ones died for ages. They have a new owner. He used to own a Fish and Chips shop. You Brits like that sorta thing, dont you?

214.

LISA Maybe we should go there instead. SPUD Oh no, its shut down. LISA Why? SPUD Rat infestation. LISA Rat infestation? SPUD Or was it a cockroach infestation? I forgot. LISA You arent helping my appetite. SPUD Trust me. This restaurant is fine. LISA Mmmmm... (looking out anxiously) ...if you say so. SPUD Lisa, trust me, you will enjoy yourself. Nay, you SHOULD enjoy yourself. How long have you been here? And you havent even seen what this country has to offer? Youre missing out on all the sights and all the sounds. LISA Not true. What about when you took me to Sesame Street? SPUD That wasnt Sesame Street. LISA Then how come we saw Oscar the Grouch? SPUD That was just a homeless person wearing a green jacket, living in a trash can.

215.

LISA Oh! Well, erm, it doesnt matter, anyway. I never came here to be a tourist. I only came here to see you. Spud looks as if hes about to cry, but then he gets it together. SPUD I still think you need to go out and whoop it up a little. I mean youre young. Why not make use of your optimism while it lasts? LISA Nooo, I cant whoop it up. (raises the roof) Im like Greece. Im on quite a strict budget. SPUD I know -- could you do me a favor and open the glove compartment? Lisa opens the glove compartment. There is pretty, wrapped up, present inside. On the front it says: TO LISA. SPUD (CONTD) (nods) Go on. Lisa takes out the present and shakes it next to her ear. LISA What is it? SPUD You can only find out, if you open it. Lisa opens the present. Its a book on personal finance. LISA ...A book. ...On personal finance. How lovely. SPUD Yeah, when you told me you didnt have a lot of money, I thought this would help you out. LISA Thank you. Ill put it to good use.

216.

Spud snickers. LISA (CONTD) Whats so funny? SPUD Thats not really your present. LISA Its not? SPUD No. LISA Where is this Real McCoy then? SPUD Ill show you inside. Spud turns off his car, and puts it in park. Then he opens the door. CUT TO: INT. GORDONS SEAFOOD DIET RESTAURANT - DAY Liss and Spud goes up to that podium thingy where the MAITRE D is standing behind. He is dressed in a tuxedo one or two sizes too small. He gives them a giant wave. He is way too upbeat for what hes doing. I wouldnt say flaming, but there are some flames. MAITRE D HULLOOO! Im Paul! Ill be your Maitre D for today; hows everyone doing? LISA Emm, not bad, yourself? MAITRE D (eyes go up) Im fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuhfuh-fuh-fabulous! SPUD Thats good to know. MAITRE D (to Spud) And is this your gorgeous wife?

217.

SPUD Um -Lisa makes a grossed-out face. LISA EW! You think Im his wife? Im at least 70 years younger than him. SPUD Im not that old. LISA Still, I mean, cmon. Not to be arrogant, but -(gestures) Look at me. Im in the best shape of my life. Even if he wasnt my dad, what possible reason would I have to date someone like him? Spud looks offended. MAITRE D Money? LISA That -- that is VERY insulting. SEXIST. You think women these days have to rely on men for money? I dont need a man. I make my own money. MAITRE D Really? I do that too. Counterfeiting is quite a lucrative business. LISA I didnt mean it in the literal sense. MAITRE D Oooh, Im so sorry, I misinterpreted. BUT can you blame me? Theres such a wide cultural gap between you Brits and us Americans. So, I say, slap my fanny, and call me Suzie, because Ive made an honest mistake. LISA I, I would rather not slap your fanny.

218.

MAITRE D No? SPUD Could you just show us to our table now? MAITRE D Reservations...? LISA Yes, I have reservations about this restaurant. MAITRE D Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fantastic! And what are your names? SPUD Thomas Tecumseh. Table for two. MAITRE D One moment, please, I need to refer to my list. The Maitre D takes out a scroll, and unwinds it in front of Lisa and Spud. The scroll rolls onto the ground and extends like a red carpet. The Maitre D puts on a huge pair of glasses, and reads the list, which is split into two parts: Names of those who are NAUGHTY and names of those who are NICE. Just like Santa Claus. The Maitre D takes off his glasses and casually tosses them aside. MAITRE D (CONTD) I couldnt find your names, but I think I can get you a table. Follow me, if you will. CUT TO: INT. GORDONS SEAFOOD DIET RESTAURANT, DINING AREA - DAY Spud and Lisa are sat around a circular table, which is covered in a draping, red and white checkered cloth. It has all the required accoutrements for eating. SPUD That guy was weird.

219.

LISA I know. After he sat us down he did a cartwheel to pick up a fork off the ground. Who does that? SPUD Hes probably a homosexual. LISA You think hes a homosexual because he did a cartwheel? SPUD Out of all the gymnastics moves that exist that one is the most homosexual. Lisa glares. LISA Are you homophobic? SPUD What? NO! Never. Never have I ever been homophobic. I am accepting of all types of people: Jews, blacks, gypsies, homosexuals, transsexuals, Canadians. Anybody thats not normal is fine by me. LISA Eeeh... Good enough, I guess. SPUD So! Are you ready for your present? Your REAL present? Lisa claps her hands. LISA Im very excited. SPUD Okay, but before I give it to you, I have to tell you something. LISA Alright. SPUD My gift is a two package deal. Theres the first part, and then theres the second part. (MORE)

220. SPUD (CONT'D) Would you like them all at the same time, or would you rather have it one by one?

LISA Well, I like surprises. So, one by one, I guess. SPUD Okay. Spud gives Lisa a sealed envelope. SPUD (CONTD) HERE IT IS. Lisa opens the envelope using a butter knife from the table. She spreads it open, revealing the contents. It is a wad of cold, hard cash. $2,000 to be exact. LISA (surprised) There must be at least 1,000 quid in here! SPUD Squid? LISA QUID. SPUD Oh. Okay. Lisa is shaking her head in disbelief. LISA This is most generous. You really shouldnt have! SPUD Well, if youd like to give it back... LISA No-no-no! Its cool. Lisa stuffs the money into her purse, and then puts it away. LISA (CONTD) Thank you, very, very, very, very much.

221.

SPUD Heh. Im guessing you liked your present? LISA Best present ever. SPUD You dont think its too impersonal, do you -- money stuffed inside of an envelope? LISA No, not at all. SPUD Actually, I was thinking of getting you a gift card instead. LISA Really? In the same amount? Spud nods. Why would you take something I can spend anywhere, and change it into something I can only use at a single store? Thats like giving someone a belt with one hole in it. Doesnt make sense. Spud folds his arms. SPUD I know. Thats why I didnt do it. LISA Of course. Youre a smart man. SPUD Am I? Am I really? Lisa nods. LISA Mhm! Sure are! SPUD Why, thank you. LISA Now, wheres my second present? Is it a pony...? No, thats too unrealistic. Is it a puppy? (MORE)

222. LISA (CONT'D) Ive always wanted a puppy. I have a name for him and everything: Puppy Middleton.

SPUD So, its name is Puppy Middleton? LISA Mhm. SPUD But what happens when it grows older, and its not a puppy anymore? Wont you have to change its name? LISA No, because Ill have one of those tiny dogs that you can carry around in your purse. Its like having a puppy forever. Or being the parent of a midget. SPUD Eeh, Id rather have a big dog that can actually do stuff. I mean what if you need protection? LISA I know self-defense. SPUD What sort of self defense? LISA Kicking people in the testicles and running away. SPUD Oh -- Krav Maga. LISA Yep. SPUD What do you do if its a woman attacking you? LISA Uhhhhhhh... Lisa looks over her shoulder.

223.

LISA (CONTD) Wheres that damned waiter? SPUD So, would you like your second present now? LISA Yes, please! SPUD Close your eyes first. LISA Okay. Lisa CLOSES HER EYES. When the world goes black, she sits back, waiting -- impatiently. LISA (CONTD) ...Can I open them now? But unbeknownst to her, Spud has left the building, and now new company has arrived: TED, Rays son, and Chip. TED (O.S.) You can open them now. Lisa opens her eyes. She screams upon seeing a GOBLIN. She punches it in the face. However, its not really a goblin. Its Ted, whos playing a gag. He falls to the ground, and yelps in pain. He holds face. TED (CONTD) (cry of pain) OWWWWWWWWW! JESUS! Chip bends down and goes to his aid. Meanwhile, Lisa tries to comprehend what is going on. CHIP (to Ted) You okay, son? Ted takes off his mask. He touches his face, and pulls back his hand due to pain. TED Agh, it stings! CHIP Relax. Dont touch it. Well get some ice.

224.

Chip helps up Ted. LISA What the eff is going on here? Chip helps Ted into his seat. CHIP We thought itd be funny if we scared you. LISA Yeeeeeah, that doesnt explain anything. A waiter with a tray is passing by. Chip grabs a glass of water with ice, and uses it on Teds face, to put down the swelling. CHIP Me and your dad have tricked you into a blind date. Chip gestures to Ted. CHIP (CONTD) This is your date. Ted Smith. Son of Ray Smith. You might be familiar with him? Lisa stands up, outraged. LISA Let me get this straight. You thought you could trick me into a date? Well, whats to stop me from walking away? CHIP The conceit of it is: Youre in a foreign country, you dont know where you are, and you dont have a ride to get back home...unless you play your cards right. LISA I can take the bus. CHIP Hoo-hoo, this isnt like England. Public transportation here is terrible. Youd have a better chance at getting home by running toward the sun.

225.

LISA Fine... Lisa sits back down. LISA (CONTD) ...but Im not paying for my food, and Im going to be a total bitch. Chip puts down the glass of water and pats Ted on the back. CHIP Good luck. Then he leaves; so, remains at the table, Lisa and her date. Ted looks really nervous as hes playing with his hands. Lisa is waiting for him to say something, TED ...I like your clothes. You look really pretty. LISA Thank you. Youre not dressed too bad yourself. Ted has on a t-shirt that says: VAGITARIAN. LISA (CONTD) But I think they misspelt the word vegetarian. TED Its not a misspelling. LISA ...I see. Lisa stares blankly. Thankfully, a waitress comes by, and breaks the awkward silence. Her name is JILL. Jill waves, friendly as ever. JILL Yo, yo, yo, homies. What can I get yall fo the eats? LISA (confused) Sorry? Ted looks at the menu.

226.

TED Um, I think Ill have the Seamen special. JILL Anything else? TED No, thats it. JILL (to Ted) A wise choice, yall (to Lisa) And wuddabout, yall? LISA Me? JILL Yes. Yall. Whatll yall be havin? LISA Mm, fish and chips, I sppose. And a gingerale, please. JILL We dont serve alcohol here. LISA Its not alcoholic. JILL No gingerale, yall! LISA Okay, okay, then can I have Coke instead? JILL Miss! I should slap yall upside the head! What makes you think we done serve illegal drugs up in hyeh? Does this place look like a crack house? Am I actually naked? Is my punani hanging out, like a cat on a rope? Hm? Yall? LISA Never mind. A glass of water will be fine.

227.

JILL (all smiles) Is that everything, yall? LISA Yyyyyyyes. I think so. Thank you. JILL Alright, yall, here I go. Jill gets down onto the floor, and gets into a runners ready position. JILL (CONTD) Im trying to set a record for speediest waitress, yall. Hulio Gonzalez is going to be disappointed when I beat him. She jumps up, and starts sprinting. Then we turn our attention to Lisa and Ted. Ted is twiddling his thumbs. TED Soooo, you ever been here before? We hear a crashing noise and scream when Jill, off-screen, collides into another server. LISA No, its my first time. You? TED Yeah, I came here once when I was 5. I had a Little Mermaid birthday party. LISA Oh, did you? Thats interesting. Who did you dress up as? TED Ariel. LISA Hmmmm............. TED So, youre from England? Am I right? LISA How did you know?

228.

TED When I was growing up I wanted to be one of the Beatles. LISA Which Beatle? TED Ringo Starr. LISA Ooh. Why Ringo? TED Well, the Beatles are all pretty ugly, but Ringo Starr is the ugliest; so I figured if I could be like any one of them it would probably be him. As you can see, Im not much of a looker. LISA No, thats not true. TED Really? LISA Yeah, you look okay... I guess. TED Youre not sure if I look okay? LISA Uhhh... Lisa is stumped. LISA (V.O.) Oh, God, why did I say that? You look okay... I guess? You shouldve just called him a wanker. That would be far less insulting. Aw, bloody hell. How do I dig myself out of this hole? Come on, Lisa, youre British. Language is your plaything. You can do this. Use your English wit! Lisa clears throat. She reaches across the table, and punches Ted in the shoulder.

229.

LISA Just kidding. Busting your balls, I was. Ted grins. TED I like you. Youre funny. LISA Thank you, I am funny. Im like Stephen Fry without bipolarity. TED Whos Stephen Fry? LISA You monster! You dont know who Stephen Fry is? TED No, but I know who Kate Middleton is. Shes a very attractive woman. LISA She is. TED If you were a man, would you sleep with her? LISA Uuuh, no. TED Why not? LISA I have way too much respect for Kate Middleton. Couldnt do it. TED What about Princess Diana? LISA Definitely. TED So, Princess Diana is definitely, but not Kate Middleton? LISA Do you know how good Princess Diana would be in bed? (MORE)

230. LISA (CONT'D) She probably could put a piece of string in her mouth, and make it into a knot with her tongue.

TED Mm, that sounds really tempting, but I prefer good girls. LISA (sort of agrees) Heh. Yeah. TED So, uh, tell me, uh, what do you do for a living? LISA Nothing too fantastic. I work at a Poundland. Its like a dollar store, except everything is a pound. Actually, I heard they wanted to name it Quidland, but were afraid vandals would put an S in front of it, and people would think it was called Squidland. TED Thats a cute story. He-he. LISA Glad you found it so amusing. TED It was very well told. You English are good at that, telling stories. Come to think of it, JK Rowling is my least favorite author, but I think she might be turning her career around with these so-called mystery novels. LISA Yeah, so, how about you? What do you do for a living? TED Im not really making a living per se, but I am trying to find myself, and make a career. LISA What type of career?

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TED Um... I moderate a website. I write poems. I study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and Im thinking of working at the local circus. Or doing some installation art. That seems both fun and fulfilling. LISA That is the worst life plan, I have ever heard. TED Oh! You sound just like my dad. Hes always on my back, criticizing my plans, asking me what am gonna with my life, and when am gonna get a girlfriend, and clean up my room. JESUS CHRIST! I cant take all this pressure! Lisa slaps Ted across the face to calm him down. It works. LISA Relax! Everythings going to be fine. Keep calm and carry on. Ted breathes out. TED Youre right. Youre absolutely right. Im 35, but Im still young, and the world is ahead of me. LISA No, its not. Youre pushing 40. You better choose something, and stick with it, and make sure it pays enough money. TED But what about doing something I love? LISA Thats what a girlfriend is for. You work a crummy job that pays the bill, and then you go home to her, and jackhammer. TED That doesnt sound so appealing.

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LISA Trust me. Your dad is right. Get your shit together, Ted. TED Wow. Its, its a lot different hearing it from someone else. I always thought he was just being a total dick, because, you know, my moms away and everything. Hes kinda miserable. LISA But follow his advice. Tie up the loose ends in your life and just go for it. Having a steady job, and being self-responsible will make you a lot happier than you think. Dont you want independence? Like America? Ted puts a fist into his palm -- WHAP! TED Youre right. I should be more like America, strong, independent, proud, and killing people I disagree with. Lisa shakes her head no. TED (CONTD) Okay, no killing, but the rest, yes. I am determined to become a better man. You have convinced me, beautiful stranger. I shall make myself into a moderate success and make my parents proud. Lisa puts her hand out for a high five. Ted puts up his hand, as if to reciprocate, but then does a Star Trek salute (fingers spread out in a V formation). LISA Never mind. Lisa puts down her hand. TED Now, what should I do for a job? (snaps fingers) I know, Ill be a plumber.

233.

LISA Why a plumber? TED It pays well, and I can dress up like Super Mario. How cool would that be? LISA Not cool. TED What do you mean not cool? LISA Hate to break it to you, Ted, but Super Mario is an arsehole. I mean he spends his time traveling around, stepping on peoples heads, setting them on fire, squashing innocent turtles, and popping shrooms. That is not a person you should be admiring. TED You say that as if were any better. Look at us. Were at a seafood restaurant. Do you know how they catch fish? They scrape the bottom of the sea with giant nets, destroying any ecosystem in its path, and then they kidnap these fish, pile them on top of each other, and let them be crushed, and/or die from lack of oxygen. You honestly think were better than Super Mario? Lisa is silent. TED (CONTD) Well, what do you have to say to that? LISA Yeah, this is why you dont have a girlfriend. TED Excuse me? LISA I tell you a little joke, and then you go completely mental on me. (MORE)

234. LISA (CONT'D) You just took our date into a creepy, uncomfortable zone. Dont you realize how weird you are? And not like in a cute, Tim Burtony way, more like hes going to kidnap me, make some phone calls just in case.

TED Is that what you really think of me? LISA Yes. And youre kind of a loser. TED What? Why would you say something like that? LISA Im sorry, love, but its tough love. You are in fact a nincompoop. Or ninny for short. Ted is silent for a moment. But then he stands up and slams his hands down on the table. TED How dare you call me a nincompoop! I am not a nincompoop! LISA Prove me wrong. Please. TED Yes. I will prove you wrong, you prostitute of a woman. Youll see, Im not a loser. I am going to be a success, and youll regret calling me names... Ted starts pointing wildly. TED (CONTD) (pointing) ...And you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and ESPECIALLY YOU! The last person he points at is a BABY. The baby looks up and says something incomprehensible, then its scared mother swoops in to take it away. Ted sits back down. He has calmed down.

235.

LISA You got problems. TED Im simply trying to be a man, and do the right thing. Is that so wrong? LISA No, not it is not. Ted looks around. TED Where the heck is our food? Weve been waiting forever. LISA Forever, huh? Thats quite a long time. Jill, the waitress, returns with food. JILL Hey, yall, am back! Did yalls miss me? Ted and Lisa shake their heads no. Jill sets down their food anyway. JILL (CONTD) Enjoy yallssss meal. Lemme know if yall need anything else! Jill leaves. TED God, what a bitch. Lisa sip her water and starts eating. TED (CONTD) So, uh, Lisa, I have a question for you. LISA Okay. TED When are we going to........... LISA Going to what?

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TED Its so hard to say. Ted goes to his plate of food. He takes two fish sticks and makes them hump. Then he starts making weird, wet, moist, what can only be described as sex noises. TED (CONTD) (making sex noises, role playing) You like that? You like that? Do yah? Huh? You like it in your pie hole? (as Lisa) Yes, yes, yes, yes! (as Himself) You nasty British woman! Well, then, you take it like a good, little, Catholic school girl! (as Lisa) Ugh1 Ugh! Yah! Yah! Oh, God! Lord Jesus! Mother of Mercy! Hail Mary! Saint Thomas the Apostle, John the Baptist, Im about to explode! Ted takes the fish stick, acting as Lisa, and flings it in a fit of imagined ecstasy. We find ourselves at ANOTHER TABLE. A man, lets call him HARRY, is calling back the waitress, Jill, after his food has been delivered. HARRY Oh, miss, miss! Jill pauses to see who it is. HARRY (CONTD) I think one of my fish sticks is missing. (points to plate) I ordered six, not five. JILL (looks) Oh! Sorry, yall, Ill be back with it in a second. Jill leaves. HARRY (to self) Eh, they always say theyll only be a second. What bullcrap.

237.

At these two last words, Harry gestures, and knocks his fork to the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, Teds fish stick lands on his plate. Harry sits up and sees it. HARRY (CONTD) Well, Ill be damned! It really did get here in a second! This deserves a big tip! He reaches into his pocket, and takes out a penny. He puts it on the table. HARRY (CONTD) (shakes head) No, thats not enough, is it? He also puts down a piece of chocolate, partially covered in lint. HARRY (CONTD) Women love chocolate. RETURNING TO LISA AND TED. Meal time continues. TED So, then I said to her, Yeah, well, if you dont like being illiterate, then why dont you listen to some audio books, huh? And like she was in awe at my wisdom. Ive always said that I am the reincarnation of Stephen Hawking. LISA I think hes still alive. TED Oh, I meant to say Stephen King. My mistake. Ted eats some of his food. LISA (low voice) I want to slap you in the face and knock some sense into you, but Im not sure how. He lifts his head.

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TED Did you say you wanted to slap me? LISA What? No, no, nooo -- why would you think that? Im not a violent person. Id never slap anyone. In fact, I have never once in my entire life slapped a single person. Ted, I am not a slapper. You, you simply misheard me. I said that you looked DAPper. Dapper, see, it sounds similar, to the word slap, doesnt it? At least the first bit. Ted stares at Lisa. TED Lisa, what if I told you I wanted to grab you by the back of your hand, and kiss you like nobodys business? Would you let me stick my tongue down your beautiful throat? LISA That is disgusting. What sort of person do you think I am? Remember, a couple seconds ago, I told you that Im not a slapper? Plus, I already have a boyfriend. Plus, even if I didnt have a boyfriend, I dont think I would go for you. If Im honest. TED Whoa. Hold your horses. Are you telling you came out for a blind date, despite having a boyfriend? LISA Ted. This isnt a blind date. Im not Stevie Wonder. TED What? LISA We are on a pity date. A PITY DATE. Im doing it strictly as a favor. Ted looks distraught.

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TED Im, Im -- so embarrassed. Lisa pats Teds hand. LISA Its okay. Dont feel bad. Like they say, Dont, um, feel bad. Ted pulls away his hand, angrily. TED Dont touch me. I feel like a foolish fool. Ray and Chip told me you were a nice, young, sweet, chaste woman. LISA I am a nice, young, sweet woman. TED You left out chaste. LISA Not to toot my own flute, but I have been with loads guys. TED Ew... How many? LISA Errrr, two? The first one I broke up with when I found out he was my cousin. Let me give you a tip, dont exchange numbers at a family reunion. Unless youre royalty, in which case inbreeding is pretty much mandatory. TED ...Can I ask you a question? LISA Its not perverted, is it? TED No. LISA Okay, what is it?

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TED I dont get it. You come to America, all the way from the UK, to meet your long last, biological father, whom you have no emotional attachment to whatsoever -- why? Whats the point of that at this age? Youre a full grown adult. What could you possibly get from the man, who was never there to raise you? The man, who chose to abandon you as a baby? LISA Youre such a genius, why dont you figure it out? TED Dont make jokes. Im being serious. LISA Well, what am I a supposed to say? You want what you dont have. TED The first rule of economics: Supply and demand. LISA Thats right. You have too much of something you take it for granted... Yourself for example, you take your dad for granted, because hes always around. But if he wasnt youd appreciate him. TED (defensive) Hey, I appreciate him. I have appreciation. LISA Then whys he always whining like a little girl about how his son hates him and how his son doesnt listen to him? Care to explain? TED Look, I admit it, I dont listen to my dad. Ever. But its only because Im a rebel at heart, not because I dont love him. I do love him, in a non-gay way. Hes my best friend... (MORE)

241. TED (CONT'D) Okay, hes not my best friend, but he does mean the world to me, and, and one day, soon, Im gonna make him proud. Cause Im gonna have a fine ass wife, a job that pays more than minimum wage, a lime green car, a house with a white picket fence, and a garden, and a cat named Bosco. Youll see. Im not the narcissistic bumhole everyone thinks I am.

As there is a moment of pause, we hear a nearby sniveling/crying. LISA (listening) Wait a minute. Do you hear that? TED It sounds like someone has a cold. Lisa lifts up the table cloth, revealing the source of noise: RAY, who is hiding and crying, and MARC, who suddenly pops his fat head out to say hello. MARC Hidy ho, neighbor! Lisa gets spooked and falls off her chair. Ray and Marc come out from under the table. TED (to self) So, thats who was touching my leg. Ray is standing above Lisa. RAY Oh my goodness! Are you okay? LISA I hurt my fanny. RAY You poor dear. Let me help you up. Ray helps Lisa up into her seat. RAY (CONTD) Sit down. Relax your fanny. LISA Er, thank you.

242.

RAY Do you need any ice for your fanny? MARC Could you two please stop saying fanny? Its ruining my appetite... Wait, not its not. Marc takes a plate of food off the table, then sits down on the floor, and starts eating. LISA What are you two doing here? TED Yah! What the eff!? Ray turns around to his son, Ted, and hugs him. RAY Oh, my son, my dear, beautiful son. I had no idea you had feelings for me. TED That doesnt sound right. RAY Im so proud of you. Its great that, finally, you found some direction in your life. All it took was a pretty girl to humiliate you. Women are so awesome. TED Sure. RAY By the way, instead of a plumber, would you ever consider becoming a firefighter like your old man? TED Ill...conssider it. Ray hugs Ted even harder. RAY Attaboy! Lisa taps Ray on his back.

243.

LISA Excuse me, I dont mean to be rude and break up this bromance, but you havent answered my question yet. Ray turns back to Lisa. He has his hands clasped together, as if begging for mercy. RAY I am so sorry, Lisa. I know its wrong, but we only spied on you with the best of intentions. We only wanted to make sure everything would be okay. MARC Hey. Speak for yourself. Everyone looks at Marc. HIM AGAIN?! OH! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! RAY (to Marc) Hows that? Marc casts away his plate of food and stands up. He slams both his hands down on the table, and glares/stares at Lisa. MARC You broke my heart, you dirty, British prostitute. LISA Sorry? I didnt quite catch that. Marc stands up and puts his hand on his forehead like hes faint. MARC Here I am madly in love with you, and you are betraying me, going out on a hot, steamy date. Dont you know how much that hurts me? Im gutted. My eyes are welling up with tears. We see Marcs eyes. RAY I dont see any tears. MARC Internal tears, idiot.

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TED Tears you have on the inside that no one can see, that should not be, ones you cannot share, because no one will care. MARC Tears of sadness, tears of badness. MARC AND TED Tears of sorrow, tears to last beyond tomorrow... WHISPER. LISA (to camera) Im pretty sure Im not on drugs, but if you told me I was, Id probably believe you. Marc gets down on one knee in front of Lisa. MARC Lisa, we havent known each other for very long, but you have a very special place in my brain, and I have something very, very important to say to you. Lisa has a pained expression on her face. LISA Oh, really? Marc takes out a small, velveteen ring box, and presents it to her. MARC Lisa Jessica Watts, will you make me the happiest man in the world, and marry me? LISA Yeah, I have a boyfriend, I dont think that... Marc opens the ring box. Inside is an extraordinary ring that gleams from every from edge, as the sun shining upon a clear, morning lake. Or to dumb it down: The diamond is fucking huge and shiny. LISA (CONTD) ...Well! Thats quite a fancy ring you have there. May I see it?

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MARC Sure. Its yours, if you agree to marry me. Lisa takes the ring and puts it on her finger. She admires its beauty. TED Um, Im not a jealous person or anything, but arent we sort of on a date? RAY Yeah, arent you two on a date? LISA SHHHH! The ring is shining. MARC So, what is your answer, my dear? LISA Oh, I dont know. Its so much pressure. What would the neighbors say? After all, youre the same age as Spud. MARC (smug) Im younger by about month. Lisa is thinking. TED (to Lisa) Dude. No. LISA Yeeeah, Im not so sure about this. I need some serious time to think it over... Would that be okay? MARC (nodding) Yes, yes, take as long as you need. LISA May I keep the ring in the meanwhile? Itll help motivate me. MARC Anything you want, baby. We see a baby beside Lisa.

246.

LISA Are you talking to me or this baby? Where did this baby come from? (looks around) Whose baby is this? Lisa picks up the baby and puts him in her lap. He seems quite calm and content with her. Marc tickles the baby to make it laugh. MARC Tickle, tickle! Ray faces away from the table, looking worried. RAY Oh, Spud is not going to like this. CUT TO: EXT. LHOSPITAL - DAY The doors to the grey-faced hospital slide open. Spud comes out, head hung low, almost hobbling. There is a green car waiting around for him. The HORN HONKS twice. Spud goes up to the car and finds Kenny behind the wheel. KENNY Howd it go? Spud doesnt respond. He gets into the car. He doesnt bother putting on his seat belt. KENNNY (repeating himself, louder) Howd it go? SPUD Lets not talk about it. KENNY But -SPUD I dont want anyone to know. Its our little secret, okay?

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KENNY Well, I think youd feel better if you told everyone. Get it off your chest. That sorta thing. SPUD Please. I dont wanna make anyone sad. I dont need their sympathy. Telling them wont change a damn thing. Lets just enjoy ourselves while it lasts, huh? KENNY Alright, if thats what you want. But I think youre being a doofus. Spud shrugs. He and Kenny then drive off. CUT TO: EXT. FAT CAT BANK - DAY A beige minivan stops in front of the bank. The door (to the minivan) slides open, and out come DICKO, SNAKE, SAM, RICK, and BILLY. KRIS, as the driver, awaits them. They run into the bank, and then in what seems an instant, they return outside with heaps of cash. Running and shooting back, they jump into the minivan, and take off to escape. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, BASEMENT - DAY Lisa is in the basement, which is full of cardboard boxes. Most of them are open, as she is rifling through them, looking for valuables. Nothing is found. But, not quickly deterred, she picks up another box. She opens and finds inside wigs. She picks one up and glares at it. LISA Why does he have wigs? She put it on her head and looks in a mirror. Angrily she takes it off and throws it to the ground.

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LISA (CONTD) Is there nothing of value here in this stupid house!? Lisa spins around, in a rage, and kicks, knocking down a stack of boxes by the corner. They topple, and fall down onto her, taking her to the floor. A moment later she gets up with a groan. She shakes her head, and notices that in the lower corner of the wall there is a poster that is hung. LISA (CONTD) Thats an odd place to keep a poster. She goes over to it and examines it. She peels it back, and finds there is a hole in the wall. She looks inside, then pulls out an old tin box. She opens it and discovers valuable antiques inside: 1. An Honus Wagner baseball card. 2. A signed Babe Ruth baseball. 3. A signed Wayne Gretzy rookie card. 4. An Inverted Jenny stamp sheet. 5. 1933 Double Eagle silver coin. 6. Detective Comics No. 27. (Batmans first appearance in a comic book.) 7. Amazing Fantasy No. 15. (Spidermans first appearance in a comic book.) These items are worth millions, yet Lisa looks at everyone one of them, and scratches her head -- so to speak. LISA (CONTD) Wow... Look at all this worthless junk! Kids stuff. What sort of grown man keep these things? Lisa lets out a deep breath. She puts all the things back into the tin, then returns it into the hole in the wall. She puts the poster back, and re-stacks all the boxes on the ground. She stands up and puts her hands on her hips, as if to think.

249.

LISA (CONTD) What a waste of time. She starts cleaning up. But then she pauses when something dawns upon her. LISA (CONTD) Wait. Why would he hide something thats worthless? CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, SPUDS BEDROOM - DAY Once again we have Lisa doing a ransacking. Here the closet of the bedroom is wide open, and the drawers to every piece of furniture, but the night stand, are pulled out. Lisa glances at her watch, in a worried manner, and goes to the night stand. She slides open the drawer. She looks down and finds a spiral bound notebook. She opens it up, and finds a list of accounts, and their passwords. She mentally salivates. LISA This is it. This is what I was looking for... Old people always write down their passwords. Forgetful people, arent they? Theyre like elephants -- with brain damage. At this moment the doorbell rings. Lisa becomes startled. LISA (CONTD) Oh crap. She puts away the notebook, and hastily starts cleaning up, closing all the drawers, and the closet. The ringing of the door bell persists. LISA (CONTD) Just a minute! (under her breath) Bloody hell. Lisa races outside to the hallway. CUT TO:

250.

INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LISAS BEDROOM - DAY Lisa runs into her bedroom. There is a suitcase lying open, with all the things that shes taken, which includes Spuds antique valuables, from the basement, Marcs ring, etc. She zips it up and stuffs it under the bed as the doorbell continues ringing. Once again she runs out. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - DAY Lisa runs down the steps and gets to the main foyer/entrance area. She opens the door. Marc is standing outside with a grin, and flowers in his arms. LISA Marc. Whatre you doing here? MARC Just wanna push things along in the right direction. LISA (looks at flowers) Are those for me? MARC No. Why would they be for you? LISA Well, flowers are -MARC Im just kidding. Yah, theyre fer you. Marc gives Lisa the flowers. She smells them. LISA Ive never gotten flowers before. MARC Ha-ha. Thats pathetic. LISA Yes, I suppose it is.

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MARC So, what say you and me go out and have a little fun? SPUD (O.S.) Id rather not. Spud appears behind Marc. LISA Spud -- ! W-whatre you doing here? Youre back early. SPUD I cut my appointment short. Spud looks at Lisas flowers. SPUD (CONTD) Who gave you those flowers? LISA Nobody. SPUD Nobody? MARC Nobody! Im not nobody! SPUD Huh? LISA Marc. Please. MARC Did you not hear the news? SPUD News? MARC There was a bank robbery. SPUD Okay. MARC And also I proposed marriage to your daughter. Lisa giggles nervously.

252.

LISA He-he-he, what a jokester. MARC Aint no joke. Aint no mountain high enough. (to Spud) Me and your daughter are gonna tie the knot. SPUD (skeptical) Say that again? MARC I am going to wed with Lisa and pop her proverbial cherry. SPUD (to Lisa) Is this true? It cant be true, can it? LISA Welllllllll, ummmmm -Spud is shaking his head. No. LISA (CONTD) He gave me a ring and I told him Id think about it. Spud looks to Marc, then to Lisa, then to Marc, then to Lisa, as if trying to ascertain whether he is being pranked. SPUD This is serious? LISA A bit. SPUD I guess this makes sense. After all, you probably do have some daddy issues. In a way, I blame myself. LISA Youre not angry? SPUD How could I be angry at my only daughter?

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Spud gently touches Lisas cheek with his hand. Lisa smiles. Marc puts his arm around Spud. MARC Youre a much better sport than I originally thought you were, Spuddy ol boy. I kinda thought youd overreact. SPUD Me? Overreact? Im not that type of person. CUT TO: INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY (SUN GOING DOWN) Spud has two hands wrapped around Marcs neck. He is pushing him against the wall and choking him. SPUD You disgusting, dirty, old man! How could you think it would be okay to marry my daughter, whos 40 years younger than you?! The others are behind, trying to stop Spud. Lisa is on his back, while Ray and Chip are pulling at his arms. SPUD (CONTD) Answer me! MARC I, I admire you! SPUD What? Spud loosens his grip, while Marc is on the verge of tears. MARC I only wanted to marry Lisa, so that I could be a part of your family. How awesome would that be? Wed be related to each other, and we could see each other at family reunions. They have the best types of food. Spud lets go off Marc, who is now sobbing.

254.

SPUD Aah, damnit... Im sorry. I shouldnt have lost my temper like that. MARC Its okay. I understand if you dont want to be brothers. Im not cool enough. SPUD Wait. Did you say wed be brothers? MARC Yah, if me and Lisa got married youd be my brother-in-law. And vice-versa. LISA I dont think thats how it wor -Ray shushes Lisa, with a finger on his nose. RAY (whispering) Shh, shh, let him have this one. Marc is wiping his wet face. Trying to control his awkward sobbing. SPUD Guys, could I have some alone time with Marc. I need to speak to him in private. Ray and Chip leave. Meanwhile, Lisa is still on Spuds back. SPUD (CONTD) (to Lisa) Um, you too. LISA Right. Of course. Lisa climbs off Spuds back, and joins Ray and Chip in a corner. SPUD (to Marc) Marc. Im going to give you some advice that my dad once gave me when I was a kid. It was after I fell off my bicycle.

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Spud lifts up Marcs head by his chin and looks him in his eyes. SPUD (CONTD) Life for all but 1% on this Earth is difficult, unfair, painful, and short. Most people, and almost every animal you see, will eventually die in complete misery. So, if you think scraping your knee is the worst thing thats ever happened to you, then I suggest you roll over and die right now. Or option b suck it up, stop your blubbering, and be a man. Lisa, who is watching appears both disgusted and confused. LISA What kind of crap advice is tha -MARC (to Spud) Youre right, Spud! I have to bite the bullet and be a man. No more acting like a pussy. Spud taps Marc in the chin, using a closed hand. SPUD Attaboy. Marc then hugs Spud, squeezing the air out of him. SPUD (CONTD) (wheezing) Okay, okay. Easy, boy. Off in the corner, where Chip and Ray are, we hear a vibrating come from Lisas pocket. She feels it against her leg. LISA (to Chip and Ray) Ill be just a moment. CHIP Take your time. Lisa goes off to another corner alone and takes out her (oldish) MOBILE PHONE to answer it. She faces the wall for privacy, and covers it as much as possible. Like shes doing a drug trade.

256.

LISA (on phone) Jon? JON (on phone, other line) Baby, hows it going? LISA (on phone) Im sort of busy right now. JON Are you chatting back to me? Here I let you go on a nice a trip and youre giving me lip already. LISA No, no. Im sorry. Its just that Im, ummm, surrounded. JON Right, then Ill keep it short. Because these phone calls cost a fortune. LISA Oh. Okay. JON Good news, Im coming down for a visit. LISA What? Why? JON Youre not happy? LISA Yeah... Im very happy. JON You know how I have my little business? LISA Mhm. JON I have some associates there I need to meet in person. Coincidentally they are in your area.

257.

LISA Oh. JON Meaning, Ill be dropping by to see you. Or you could drop by to see me. I should be staying somewhere swanky. LISA Sounds really nice. JON Anyway, Ill talk to you later. Someones at the door. LISA I didnt hear the doorbell ring. JON I can see through the window. LISA Oh. JON Goodbye, Lisa. LISA Goodbye, Jon. Lisa HANGS UP HER MOBILE PHONE. She puts it back in her pocket, and looks worried. She leans against the wall, her hands are curled, touching her mouth. Her eyes vacant. Chip walks over to her. CHIP Is something the matter? Lisa tries to look chipper. LISA No. Not at all. What makes you say that? Im doing fine -- and yourself? CHIP Im dandy. But we are going over to Kennys for an intervention by the way. Lisa sees Ray, Spud, and Marc headed out of the tree house, through the trapdoor.

258.

LISA I didnt know he was on drugs. CHIP Hes not. This is a different type of intervention. Lisa appears confused. CHIP (CONTD) Its a love intervention. Were going to help Kenny get back together with his wife. Cyrano de Bergerac style. LISA Ah, yes. Shakespeare. CHIP So, will you be coming along? LISA (shakes her head) Sorry. I cant. I have some things to do. CHIP Like? LISA You know. Uuuh, womanly stuff. CHIP Whats that mean? Lisa whispers into Chips ear. CHIP (CONTD) I now understand. MARC (O.S.) Chip! Are you still up there? Get your sweet chocolatey ass moving! We hafta go! LISA (to Chip) Youre not annoyed, are you? CHIP No, but I did want you to come along.

259.

LISA Ill see you later. Chip half smiles. CHIP So long, Lisa. He leaves through the trapdoor. Lisa runs over to it and looks down the hole. She watches him step down from the ladder. LISA Bye! CUT TO: INT. KENNYS APARTMENT, KENNYS BEDROOM - NIGHT Kenny is peacefully asleep. Then suddenly the door bursts open. Spud, Ray, Chip, and Marc, dressed in balaclavas, rush inside whilst yelling their war cry. Kenny awakes, with a fright, and is grabbed by his arms, and legs. Screaming as loud as can be he is carried out. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, SPUDS BEDROOM - NIGHT Lisa goes into the drawer of Spuds night stand. She takes out his notebook filled with passwords, and writes down a number onto a sheet of paper. She folds it and places it in her pocket. After, she puts away the notebook and hastily leaves. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - NIGHT Lisa comes down the stairs toward the main foyer. She has on a jacket, and sunglasses, and is dragging her suitcase. CUT TO:

260.

INT. SPUDS HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT Lisa enters the kitchen and leaves an envelope on the table, which is marked: Thomas. CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE - NIGHT There is a taxicab waiting by the curb-side. The door (of the house) swings open and out comes Lisa, again, carrying her suitcase. She rushes away and her head is down. CUT TO: INT. CHIPS PAWN SHOP - NIGHT The chimes over the door go off. Lisa, wearing sunglasses, enters and walks to the counter, where MISTER LIU, the new shop owner, is sitting. His head is down. He is writing something down in a notebook. LISA Hello. MISTER LIU Were closing in 5 minutes. LISA Id like to buy some things. With my dads credit card. MISTER LIU I dont care. Lisa looks annoyed. She takes out a heavy black credit card, that says Spuds real name, and slides it in front of Mister Liu. LISA Are you sure you? Mister Lius greedy eyes open up. He lifts his head. MISTER LIU How can I help you?

261.

LISA Whats the most expensive thing you got? ...It has to fit in my suitcase. CUT TO: EXT. KENNYS HOUSE, BACKYARD - NIGHT We find ourselves in the backyard of a large, beautiful house. The grass is perfectly green and flowers around are arranged as perfect as can be. The walls almost shimmer, bathed by lights below. At this moment the wooden fence door swings open. Kenny, being carried by Spud, Ray, Chip, and Marc is set down upon the grass. They take off their masks to reveal themselves. Kenny, on his back, looks up. He appears surprised. RAY Surprised? KENNY That my friends kidnapped me and made me think I was going to die? Yes. Yes, I am surprised actually. MARC Oh, quit your whining. Spud extends an arm to Kenny and hoists him to my feet. Kenny turns around, sees his own house. KENNY What is going on here? Why did you bring me to my own house? SPUD Apparently were having an intervention. KENNY An intervention you say? Oh, isnt that interesting? Suddenly Kenny tries to take off, but Marc grabs him by the back of his shirt and keeps him firmly in place. He struggles, moving his legs to run; however, all he is doing is spinning his wheels.

262.

KENNY (CONTD) Why am I not moving? Go, legs, go! MARC (clears throat) I am holding you in place. Kenny glances behind. KENNY I see. Then he tries running again. His heels only scrape the ground. Desperate he leans forward, balancing on the tips of his shoes. But he quickly gets tired. He relaxes for the moment. KENNY (CONTD) Darnit... Alright! Lemme go. MARC Are you going to stay put? KENNY (sarcastic sounding) Sure! Of course. Of course, Ill stay put. I wont run away when you let me go. Im a man of my word. Arent I? Fellas? Kenny winks. MARC I saw you wink. KENNY I didnt wink. I have an involuntary twitch. It happened when I got in a fist fight at school. Some anti-Semite gave me a black eye. But I got him back. RAY How? KENNY I punctured his car tires, and made him miss his exams. Because of that he failed high school and he became addicted to both crack and smack. CHIP Thats terrible.

263.

SPUD I think he deserved it. KENNY (to Marc) Okay. You can let go of me now. MARC Ummmmm -KENNY Dont you trust me? MARC No. KENNY Aw, cman! MARC Fine. But remember you promised. KENNY Like I said Im a man of my word. I wont run away. Marc lets go of Kenny. KENNY (CONTD) Thank you! Kenny straightens out his ruffled shirt -- then spins around and starts punching Marc in the gut, moving his arms as if a pair of jackhammers. KENNY (CONTD) I wont let you take me alive! Aaagh! You Nazi! Marc is unaffected. MARC Stop. Youre embarrassing yourself. Kenny stops and calms down. He turns to the others. KENNY Alright. What is this about then? CHIP Look. We know you and Josephine --

264.

KENNY (throws up arms) Ugh! Is this what this is about? I told you. Our relationship is unsalvageable. Youre not going to help. (lump in throat) She doesnt love me anymore. CHIP Please. Kenny. Give it a chance. We care about you. We want you to be happy. You two should be together. She is the X to your Y. KENNY What about Z? CHIP Forget about Z. KENNY (thinks, sighs) Alright! Fine. Ill play along. But Im telling you nothing will change. Not even my underwear. SPUD Ew. KENNY By the way, where is your daughter? Doesnt she usually tag along? SPUD Shes at home. I dont understand what this means, but Chip told me her red river was running. RAY Ugh. Too much information. CHIP Okay, guys. Lets get this things started, huh? Places, everyone, places! Marc takes out one of Kennys hearing aids and throws it aside. He replaces it with an earpiece and set of wires for radio communication. MARC (to Kenny) Stay put.

265.

Then he, Spud, Ray, and Chip all run off to a corner, and hide behind a bush. Chip takes out a WALKIE TALKIE and turns it on. Meanwhile Kenny is standing bewildered. CHIP (through walkie talkie) Can you hear me? Kenny glances at Chip. KENNY (listening) Yes. CHIP (through walkie talkie) Can you see me? KENNY (glances) Yes. Sort of. Youre behind a bush. I dont remember planting that bush. CHIP (through walkie talkie) Its not your bush. Its our bush. We brought it with us. Marc lifts up the bush to show that it is not affixed the ground. (Note: From this point on Chip will be communicating to Kenny via walkie talkie/radio.) CHIP (CONTD) We bought it from a man, who claimed he had a dungeon in his basement. KENNY Oh. I see. CHIP Okay, Kenny you ready? KENNY What am I supposed to do?

266.

CHIP When Josephine comes out to her window I want you to say exactly as I say. Not a word different. KENNY No improvisation? CHIP This isnt the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. KENNY Anything else? CHIP Get ready! Ray positions a set of fireworks towards the house. MARC Preparing for launch! Marc passes Spud a lighter. MARC (CONTD) In three, two, one -Spud lights the fireworks. MARC (CONTD) Blast off! CUT TO: INT. KENNYS HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Fireworks hit the window facing the backyard. Kennys wife, Josephine, who is reading takes notice. She gets up and goes to see what is happening. CUT TO: EXT. KENNYS HOUSE, BACKYARD - NIGHT The window to the master bedroom opens up. Josephine leans out. Kenny lifts his head to see her. He is nervous and sweating. JOSEPHINE You! What are you doing here?

267.

KENNY Im here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and Im all out of gum. JOSEPHINE Huh? CHIP (whispering to Marc) Let go! Chip, behind the bush, wrestles the walkie talkie away from Marc to regains control of it. KENNY Sorry, my dear. I have, uh, Tourettes Syndrome. (to self) Tourettes syndrome? JOSEPHINE I never knew that. KENNY Listen, Josephine. I didnt come here to explain my medical conditions. I came here to ask you something. JOSEPHINE Go on. KENNY Wont you take me back? JOSEPHINE Take you back? Take you back? TAKE YOU BACK? Why would I do that? You dont appreciate me. For Valentines Day you got me a box of condoms. Kenny looks embarrassed. Behind the bush. Spud, Ray, Chip, and Marc are snickering. Chip puts a finger against his nose to gently shush everyone. KENNY Whats the matter with that? I like sex. You like sex. Condoms are a good thing, arent they? JOSEPHINE At this age I cant get pregnant. It doesnt make any sense. (MORE)

268. JOSEPHINE (CONT'D) Unless youre protecting me from some sort of disease youre carrying?

KENNY No, I dont have any diseases. Im not a whore. The condoms were a gag gift anyway. JOSEPHINE It wasnt funny. CHIP (to Kenny) Stop improvising. Dont deviate from the script. KENNY (to Josephine) Im sorry. Youre right. I was wrong. It was a foolish, foolish, stupid, idiotic, dumb, idiotic, retarded gift. You have every reason to be annoyed. JOSEPHINE Hrmmm... CHIP (to Kenny) Get down on your knees. Kenny gets down on bended knee with grunt. KENNY Josephine. I know youre angry at me. I know that Ive been a complete doofus. A real douchebag. But please dont leave me. I cant live without you. You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I love you. We belong together in spite of all the mistakes Ive made. Wont you forgive me and take me back? I promise you Ill change. Ill do anything to be with you. Behind the bush Marc wipes away a tear. MARC (to the others) That was beautiful.

269.

KENNY My darling, my sweet love, my pooty pie, will you be mine...again? Josephine looks like shes just been wooed. But then she takes the book she has and lobs it at Kenny, who narrowly misses. KENNY (CONTD) Whoa! What are you doing? JOSEPHINE Im not taking you back. You suck as a husband and you suck even more as a human being! MARC (to Spud) He-he-he. Suck. SPUD (to Mac) Shhh! KENNY What are you trying to say? JOSEPHINE Im saying its over. Im gonna finalize the divorce papers. KENNY But, but, but, Josephine! JOSEPHINE Theres nothing you can do to change my mind. Behind the bush, Chip worries himself with the others. The others being Marc, Ray, and Kenny. CHIP (to the others) This isnt good. SPUD I thought you were some sort of love guru. CHIP I thought I was too. RAY Wait. I have an idea.

270.

Ray takes out a piece of paper, unfolds it, and hands it to Chip. RAY (CONTD) Read this. Its a poem my son wrote. Hes quite talented, you know. CHIP Hmm. I guess we dont have any other option. Marc and Spud are shaking their heads no. CHIP (CONTD) Okay. Here we go. Its all or nothing now. Kenny is standing nervously, whilst Josephine is holding up, and waving a set of papers. JOSEPHINE Here they are! See these! Divorce papers! I will divorce you like the whore that is Denise Richards! KENNY Wait! I have one last thing to say. JOSEPHINE (heavy sigh) Hurry it up. I have to get ready for bed. Its almost 9 PM. Kenny stands and puts his hand out like Shakespeare in the park. He clears his throat. KENNY Its a poem. Its called: Ode to The. Josephine leans on the windowsill to listen. KENNY (CONTD) I am alone in a room. Like a baby stuck in a womb. My heart is broke. But when I see you I feel like Ive just awoke. Fresh and dandy like sour candy. Call me Randy. For I am not Sandy. What the f JOSEPHINE --

271.

KENNY Come into my steeple! Here the song of my people! Odeely die, odeely die, wum pop a doom dah, ding dang do, I love you! Ray buries his face into his hands after Chip finishes the poem for Kenny. At this moment everyone seems a little lower behind the bush. RAY Oh God. What have I done? SPUD Why did you keep reading that? CHIP (to Spud) I dunno! I have obsessive compulsive disorder. MARC That the worst poem Ive ever heard, and I like Robert Frost! His poems are the stupidest. SPUD Screw you guys, Im leaving. Call me when youre done. CHIP (to Spud) No, wait, we need... Spud starts crawling away from the bush. CHIP (CONTD) (to self) ...batteries. Which you have. Chip holds the dead walkie talkie, whose red light has gone out. Meanwhile Kenny is standing dumbfounded. We sit and watch. (Note: Conversations on the walkie talkie have concluded.) JOSEPHINE I cant believe you. Is that your idea of a good poem? KENNY Im taking it you didnt like it?

272.

JOSEPHINE It insults my intelligence. Spud is standing with his back against the wall of the house. He is shuffling his feet, slowly moving toward the gate of the backyard. KENNY But I did it for you, Josephine. Beacuse I love you. Doesnt my love mean anything at all to you? JOSEPHINE Kenny. I love you too, but we cant be together. Youre just so dense. When my mom died you joked around and said, I hope she doesnt come back as a zombie. Who says that at a funeral? For a eulogy, no less. Spud is by the gate now. He is struggling to get it open. KENNY It was a mitsake. Im sorry. Spud gets the gate open and leaves. JOSEPHINE Im sorry too. Kenny hangs his head low. Josephine puts her hands on the window of her room, about to close it. Then there is a voice. LISA (O.S.) Wait! Lisa appears beside Kenny, holding a duffle bag. Josephine squints and looks below. KENNY (whispers to Lisa) Lisa? Whatre you doing here? LISA (whispers back to Kenny) Ive come to help you out. Lisa goes into her duffle bag and takes out a boom box. She holds it above her head.

273.

LISA (CONTD) (to Josephine) If you get back together with Kenny, Ill give you this cassette player. JOSEPHINE No, thanks. I already have one. Josephine turns away. LISA Hold it! Josephine turns back. Lisa puts down the boom box. LISA (CONTD) You cant just walk away. We have a, uh, musical number to do. JOSEPHINE Yeah? LISA Yeah! Josephine thinks for a moment. JOSEPHINE Okay. Lets see it. LISA One moment please. Lisa goes to the bush, where Chip, Ray, and Marc are. LISA (CONTD) Hey, guys, I need your help, but... Wait. Wheres Spud? And why are you all hiding behind a bush? MARC One question at a time, sister. RAY We dont know where Spud is. He just up and left. I guess he was annoyed. LISA Oh. Ah, never mind. Can you guys help me?

274.

CHIP We are at your service. LISA Follow me please. Lisa gathers everyone into a huddle -- save for Josephine, who is watching bewildered as she whispers them instructions. A moment later they stand straight, ready for whatever is ahead. LISA (CONTD) (to Josephine) Could you close your eyes for a minute? We have to get changed. Josephine closes her eyes. LISA (CONTD) Okay! You can open them! Josephine opens her eyes and sees that Lisa, Marc, Ray, Chip, and Kenny are dressed as the Spice Girls. Lisa is dead center, while flanked by the others. She is wearing a Union Jack dress. Its like Ginger Spices getup, except modest. No cleavage, nothing hanging out, the bottom goes to the knees. This design meshes more with Lisas personality, who she really is, a sweet, sort of bookish girl, but someone who can cut a rug if necessary. She presses a button on her boom box and gets into place. Now the music begins. They dance and sing along to Wannabe. Its not bad. Theres a lot of flailing of the limbs, and cartwheels, and spinning, and nonsensical movements, but still better than, lets say, Miley Cyrus. Or Katy Perry. Anyway, the dance number ends. Lisa shuffles back into her spot, and drops to her knees, with the throwing up of her arms. It is perfectly timed, and she and the others are in pose just as the music cuts out. They are sweaty and heavily breathing. They await their score from the judge that is Josephine.

275.

Josephine is dumbfounded, staring at Lisa, Ray, Marc, Chip, and Kenny, almost skeptically like she cant believe what shes just seen. KENNY So, what did you think? JOSEPHINE Thats was incredibl... Kenny et al look as if theyre going to smile. JOSEPHINE (CONTD) ...y terrible. Worst thing Ive ever seen. But, oh no, sad faces now. JOSEPHINE (CONTD) It was like Id been punched in the face by George Saint-Pierre. I mean what were you thinking? That song has nothing to do with our relationship. It makes no sense. Marc puts his arm around Kenny to comfort him. Lisa however jumps forward and points up. LISA Listen here, you ugly, wrinkly, old, bag of a woman. Who the hell do you think you are? You think youre better than my Kenny? You think someone else is gonna come along and sweep you off your arthritic feet? Lady, if you dont take him back, and I say this with 100% seriousness, you will die alone! Jesus Christ! Take what you can get, you arrogant idiot! Everyone looks shocked and unsure what to say. There is silence. But then Josephine doubles over and starts laughing hysterically. It comes as a surprise to those who are now confused and lost. Josephine places a hand over her heart. JOSEPHINE (smiling) You are such a fool, Kenny. I cant believe you went through all this trouble just to make me laugh. (MORE)

276. JOSEPHINE (CONT'D) Now I remember why I fell in love with you. It was because of your sense of humor. Whenever I was sad or lonely you were there to cheer me up with a joke... Daw! (gestures) Get up here, you!

Josephine disappears from the WINDOW. Kenny runs off and goes into his house. We hear footsteps, and the door to his master bedroom opening, and shutting. Then there are some kissing noises and giggling. JOSEPHINE (O.S.) (CONTD) Ooooh, you nasty, little pervert! As Lisa, Ray, Chip, and Marc stand outside there is sound of two bodies hitting the bed. Clothes coming off. Kenny and Josephine are bonking. Its loud. Really loud. And awkward. The others are standing around listening to the cringe-worthy sex noises going: OOOH! OOOH! AGH! AGH! OHN! OHN! EEEEEEEE! Ray awkwardly gestures their victory to Lisa, Chip, and Marc. RAY Woo-hoo. Uhhh, yay, we did it. LISA Yes. Its been a complete sucsex. (shakes head) I mean success. More noises: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! JOSEPHINE (O.S.) Whoa, daddy! Not too fast! Me minge is getting soar already! MARC High five? The group give each other slow, careful high fives. CHIP I guess we should go out and -More noises: UGH, UGH, UGH, UGH, UGHHHHHHHHH! KENNY (O.S.) Whoa, Nelly!

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CHIP I guess we should go out and celebrate? RAY Thats be nice. More noises: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAGH! CHIP When theyre finished well meet up at the tree house. Till then everyone go home, and take a really, really long shower. KENNY (O.S.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! SWEET MOSES! CHIP (nods) Yep. Ill see yall later. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - NIGHT We hear the door being unlocked, and then it slowly opens. Lisa sticks her head inside, and looks side to side, suspiciously. LISA Hello? Is anyone home? She enters the house and carefully goes upstairs. CUT TO: INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LISAS BEDROOM - NIGHT Lisa stands in her bedroom and gives it one last look. She lowers her head and averts her gaze, as if unable to stand seeing it. She goes into her closet and gets her jacket. After she puts it on she walks over to her suitcase by the corner. She pauses when she takes notice of the framed picture of both her and Spud. In it Lisa is smiling, sat on his back, getting a piggy back ride.

278.

She puts the photo away in a drawer, and then grabs the handle of her suitcase, and begins pulling it along, headed for the door. CUT TO: EXT. SPUDS HOUSE - NIGHT Lisa leaves through the front door, carrying her suitcase, and walks onto the driveway. At this moment she notices a shadowy figure. It steps out of the dark and reveals itself as Spud. SPUD Lisa. Where you going? LISA Nowhere. SPUD Really? Then why do you have your coat on, and why are you carrying along your suitcase? LISA Ill be back, I swear. SPUD No, you wont. Spud holds up the letter that Lisa had left for him in the kitchen. SPUD (CONTD) I got your letter. LISA (to self) Shit. I forgot about that. SPUD And forgive me for this, but I took a look in your room. Seems like youre carrying a lot of my valuable goods with you. LISA I can explain. SPUD You dont need to explain. I know whats going on. (MORE)

279. SPUD (CONT'D) You came here to scam an old man. That was your intent from day one.

Lisa swallows a lump in her throat. SPUD (CONTD) Youre not even my daughter, are you? LISA No. I am your daughter. At least in the biological sense. SPUD If thats true, then I dont understand. Why would you try to rob me? Your own father? Lisa is breathing heavy. Her chest heaves up and down. It can be seen even though she is wearing a good thicket of clothing. SPUD (CONTD) Explain to me, Lisa. Why? At this exact moment, Lisa has a striking outburst. All of her suppressed emotions, frustrations, and misgivings are poured out at once. She lets of her suitcase and clenches her fists, so tight that they turn a snowy white. LISA Because you deserved it! SPUD Huh? LISA You say that youre my father, but all you were was a sperm donor. You had sex with my mum, then left us without a care in the world. How can you call yourself a father? A father is there for kids. Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I had my first steps? When I said my first words? When I wanted to learn how to ride a bicycle? When I wanted someone to come see and my school play? Where were you when the bullies were picking on me? You should have been there to comfort me. Or at least teach me how to throw a punch. (MORE)

280. LISA (CONT'D) But you were somewhere else, across the ocean, enjoying your child free life, as if I didnt existed. So, dont think of yourself as my father, who deserves my love, because you were never there for me. It was just me and my mum... At least for the first part of my life. Because you know what happened?

SPUD What happened? LISA She died! After you left she resorted to prostitution to survive. To support us. She died of AIDS. SPUD Im so sorry. LISA Sorry isnt enough. You took away my childhood. I didnt get to grow up with a family like everyone else. I went from group home to group home, being abused, and passed along like a worthless piece of trash. Nobody cared about me. In my entire life not one person has ever made me feel loved. And I know its a stupid complaint, because there are other people in the world who have it far, far worse, but to me it matters... I guess I cant expect you to understand. Spud stares at Lisa, then goes over to her to hug her. She pushes him away. LISA (CONTD) Get away from me. He stumbles back and falls to the ground on his bottom. Lisa opens her suitcase and starts throwing all the stuff she stole onto the lawn. LISA (CONTD) You can have all your stupid stuff back. I dont need it anymore.

281.

SPUD You can keep if you want. LISA I said I dont need it! Spud sits on his bottom, staring at Lisa. She zips up her now nearly empty suitcase, then drags it along, and disappears into the cold, night air. A moment later a station wagon appears. Inside are Chip, who is driving, Kenny, Ray, and Marc. Marc leans out the window. He slaps his hand on the sidedoor. MARC Heeey, Spuddy Boy. Whatre you doing on the floor? Spud looks up, warily. KENNY I think hes fallen. And he cant get up. Kenny, Marc, Ray, and Chip get out of the station wagon, and rush over to Spud to help him to his feet. SPUD No, I -They get him standing, and though he looks fine, they still appear quite concerned. Chip and Marc are under Spuds arms, bearing his weight on their shoulders. RAY Are you hurt? Kenny takes out a stethoscope and puts it against Spuds chest. KENNY His heartbeat seems a bit irregular. RAY Oh, no. KENNY But I think hell be fine. For now. The group start walking down the driveway, with Spud still being carried.

282.

SPUD Wherere we going? MARC To the station wagon. SPUD After that? CHIP Were headed to the tree house to celebrate. SPUD Why? CHIP Kenny and his wife Josephine got back together. SPUD Oh. Wow. Congratulations, Kenny. KENNY Thanks. SPUD Im glad everythings worked out for you. The group get to the station wagon. CUT TO: EXT. MARKS BACKYARD - NIGHT The gate to the backyard swings open. At this moment hooligan Dicko appears. Carrying a shopping bag he walks over to the tree house, and gives it a look. From his shopping bag he takes out a Molotov cocktail. He sets the bottle aflame, and with only a modicum of hesitation he lobs it into the air. The Molotov cocktail land dead center in the tree house, which catches on fire with great ease. Dicko stands before the flames, watching them wave as black smoke rushes into the night sky. While taking it all in, fumes mostly, the owners of the tree house arrive.

283.

Spud, Ray, Chip, Kenny, and Marc come into the backyard. They are horrified upon seeing what is taking place. MARC My, my clubhouse! Dicko turns around. Spud recognizes his face. Dicko, with no emotion whatsoever, pushes through the group, and runs through the gate to leave. MARC (CONTD) Come back, you bastard! Marc shakes his fist and gives chase. SPUD Damnit. Spud follows. Chip, Ray, and Kenny however have their reservations. They have yet to comprehend exactly what is going on. They appear baffled more than anything. CUT TO: EXT. MARKS HOUSE - NIGHT Dicko hastily clambers onto a dirt bike. It seems like he is going to escape, but before he rides away, Marc, who is charging down the driveway, grabs him in a rear bear hug, and pulls him off his two-wheeled transportation. In this kerfuffle Dicko drops his mobile phone. He cant pick it up, however, as Marc is squeezing him like a python. Dicko struggles, kicking his legs to no avail. MARC You worthless piece of garbage! How dare you burn down my tree house! DICKO Dont borrow money you cant pay back. MARC You have me confused with someone else -- !

284.

Dicko tries to break Marcs grip by pulling apart his hands. When he finds it is of no use he resorts to more devious tactics. He takes out a knife, from his pocket, and slashes Marcs arm. Marc, bleeding, lets go. Dicko falls to his knees, but wastes no time, and immediately gets back onto his dirt bike. He starts riding away. Marc holds his wound, trying to stymie the bleeding. In this instance Spud appears. When he stops on his heels, he sees the speeding dirt bike, which soon disappears. Then he takes notice of his comrades injury. SPUD Marc, youre bleeding! MARC No big deal. Its a just a little sting. SPUD We need a doctor. Spud turns his head back to call Kenny in his loudest voice. SPUD (CONTD) KENNY! KENNNNY! Spud turns his attention back to Marc. He uses his teeth, and rips off a strip of fabric from his shirt. SPUD (CONTD) Gimme your arm. Using it, he wraps up Marcs gash. SPUD (CONTD) Jesus. What the hell happened? Did that kid cut you with a knife...? We have to call the cops. MARC (sighs) Forget it, Spud. Its China Town. Spud notices the mobile phone on the ground, the one that Dicko dropped. SPUD Hey, whats that? CUT TO:

285.

EXT. WINTERMUTE LANE - NIGHT Spud, Chip, Kenny, Ray, and Marc are in their station wagon driving through Wintermute Lane. It is the posh area in town, old looking but clean, and charming. We notice that Dickos mobile phone is sitting atop the dashboard. And Marcs arm is now properly bandaged. Also, tonight our driver is Spud. RAY Im telling you, guys, this is a really bad idea. MARC Revenge is never a bad idea. KENNY As far as Im concerned that kid is a Nazi. Had we been in there we wouldve been baked alive... Youre a fireman, you should know about these things. RAY I still think its better to let the cops deal with it. CHIP Ha. Cops. Good for nothing -except eating Krispy Kreme donuts and beating up on minorities. SPUD Not all cops are bad. Chip thinks for a moment. CHIP Yeah, maybe. All of a sudden Marc points out the window. MARC (gasp) There it is! Thats the place, isnt it? Pull up to the curbside. The station wagon begins to slow down as it reaches HILLSIDE MANOR. CUT TO:

286.

NOTE: LOCATIONS IN THE MANOR/MANSION ARE ALL ON THE FIRST FLOOR, UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED. EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, GATES - NIGHT Hillside Manor is a quiet yet pernicious looking place, appearing more castle than home. Surrounded by black, wrought iron fences a winding path leads to its grandiose entrance. Spud pulls the station wagon up to the curb, and brakes. The others, Chip, Ray, Marc, and Kenny stare at this palatial residence, seemingly quite impressed. SPUD You sure this is the place? Marc points out Dickos dirt bike, which is chained to the fence. MARC Definitely. Look. The assholes dirt bike. Probably made dirty with his ass... Ass to ass. RAY Will you stop saying ass? MARC Never! Now, lets get out, and get our revenge. Spud parks the station wagon, then he Marc, Chip, Ray, and Kenny get out. Marc is carrying a black briefcase with him. The contents yet unknown. As a group they walk over to the gates and stand before it, gazing through its bars. The manor looks so far off, and small. MARC (CONTD) Is everyone ready? RAY No. MARC Good. I like a little spontaneity. KENNY Weve noticed. MARC Okay then. Here. We. Go.

287.

Marc tries to push open the gate. Then he tries to pull it. However, it is locked. MARC (CONTD) Damn. Its broken. CHIP What do you mean? Marc rattles the gate. MARC It wont let us in! SPUD I dont think you understand the purpose of gates. MARC (fuming, frustrated) Ah, man. I was so pumped too. KENNY Maybe we can sneak over the top. SPUD And get impaled? We see that the gate and the fence have spears atop. KENNY Okay, I dont see you coming up with any other ideas, Mister Smarty Pants. RAY Hold on. I know what to do. Spud, your car keys please. Spud gives Ray his keys without question. Ray goes to the station wagon and opens the trunk. He takes out a bolt cutter, and, showing it to everyone else, holds it before his face. He opens and closes it with a sinister grin. He then goes over to the gate and places the jaws of the bolt cutter around one of the rods. CUT TO:

288.

INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, JONS OFFICE (2ND FLOOR) - NIGHT Behind the mahogany desk Jon is sitting in his office chair, caressing and kissing a girl named TIFFANY on the neck, who strikingly looks a lot like Lisa. We think its her at first, just looking at her back, but soon find out that it isnt. The door to the office swings open. Lisa stands dumbfounded, seeing her boyfriend getting it on with another woman. LISA Jon? Jon pries his lips away from Tiffany, and sees who it is. JON Lisa? Tiffany looks too. LISA What are you doing? Who is this? JON No one. Its no one. TIFFANY Im not no one. JON (through teeth, to Tiffany) Shut up. LISA Y-youre cheating on me? Lisas eyes begin welling up. In spite of all of Jons faults she is in love with him. The look on her face is pain. Seeing the love of her life being intimate with another person is unbearable. Like hearing the news about the death of your mom or dad. Or brother. Or sister. There is no consolation that can take away your sorrow, for something forever will be missing, and you know that deep down inside things will never be the same again. This is what love is. When you are in love, and swept away in the madness that is your emotions, everything that happens between you and he, or you and she, matters. Every little thing hurts. Every little thing that they do has an importance.

289.

Any action which shows they do not care is a crushing pain. When they smile, or giggle, or whisper to someone else, it feels like there is a weight on your body. It feels like nothing else in the world matters. Even though it does. This is what Lisa is going through at this very moment. JON (whispers to Tiffany) Get out of my office. TIFFANY But -JON Go! Tiffany gets off Jons lap. She walks past Lisa, with a glare, and leaves the office. Jon fixes his shirt that has been ruffled in his deeds of infidelity. JON (CONTD) Could you please close the door? Lisa closes the door. JON (CONTD) (gestures) Come here. Lisa is reluctant. JON (CONTD) Come here, I want to talk to you. Lisa walks over to Jon. JON (CONTD) I know what it looks like. Jon takes Lisas hand. JON (CONTD) But let me tell you that she means absolutely nothing to me. Lisa, youre the only person here that matters. Lisa angrily pulls away her hand. LISA You expect me to believe that?

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JON What do you mean? LISA You lied to me about what you do. You pretended to be running a business, then here I find out youre some sort of crime boss. Now you cheat on me, and you want me to take your word that this girl you were snogging means nothing to you? How stupid do you think I am? Jon stands up, making Lisa takes a step back, and then he grabs her face, and squeezes it. JON Listen, Lisa. I realize that you are in shock. You are surprised, and, lets say, taken aback at recent events. But that does not mean you have earned the right to disrespect me. Do you understand? Lisa is dumbfounded. Almost crying but not quite there. JON (CONTD) DO YOU understand? LISA Yes. I understand. JON Good. Jon lets go of Lisa. As she begins to compose herself she receives the sting of a hard slap in the face. JON (CONTD) Remember who is supporting you and making all the sacrifices. Lisa is trembling. Her body is shrunk. She wants to scream and shout, but is afraid. Yet courage has not left her entirely. She stands up straight, with a stiff upper lip, and looks Jon in his eyes. LISA May I leave now? JON Sure. If you want. Lisa turns around and walks to the door.

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JON (CONTD) Wait. Lisa pauses. JON (CONTD) Lisa. Please dont make me out to be a bad guy. Im only doing this for your own good. I love you. LISA I know. Lisa leaves. After the door closes Jon looks frustrated. He paces around and then stops at his desk. He takes out a cigarette from his drawer to smoke. JON (smoking) Bloody women. Far more trouble than theyre worth. At this moment there is the sound of a THUMP as if something has hit the outside window of the office. Jon turns around and walks to the window. He pulls the curtain, just enough to see, and looks BELOW. Spud, Ray, Chip, Kenny, and Marc are playing a prank, throwing rolls of toilet paper at a tree. Jon closes the curtain. CUT TO: EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, FRONT YARD - NIGHT Spud, Ray, Chip, Kenny, and Marc are laughing like children, throwing toilet paper back and forth, entangling a tree in strands of white. We see on the ground an open briefcase, the same before. It is half-filled with rolls of toilet paper. RAY Gotta say, fellas, I was wrong. This is way more fun than I thought itd be. KENNY I havent done a prank in 75 years. The last prank I did was in high school. Graduation day. (MORE)

292. KENNY (CONT'D) I pushed my anti-Semitic friend down the stairs.

MARC Tee-hee. I cant wait. When that snot-faced brat comes out, the look on his face is gonna priceless. SPUD I think still think its kind of a dumb idea. Were just giving him free toilet paper, arent we? MARC Nuh-uh! The weatherman says itll rain tonight. RAY You mean weatherperson. MARC Say what? CHIP Apparently, the term weatherman is sexist, because it has the word man in it. MARC (to Ray) Woman has the word man in it. Is that sexist? RAY Uh, I dunno. Maybe. People seem to get offended at words rather easily these days, dont they? MARC Hmph! Let them be offended. The general public is full of idiots. Every word or term in the dictionary is going to be offensive to some jackass. CHIP Examples? MARC Assassin. SPUD Why Assassin?

293.

MARC It has the word ass in it. Twice. Now, that doesnt bother me, personally, but someone who thinks ass is a swear word just might disagree. SPUD Thats ridiculous. MARC People are ridiculous. CHIP They sure are. They sure are... Ray throws his loo roll, unravelling its last strip of toilet paper. While everyone else is busy he runs to the briefcase, laying open, to get some more. When he bends down to reach, he sees a big, black boot step in front of him. He looks up. He looks back. RAY Uh, guys... GUYS! Everyone (i.e. the boys) stops what theyre doing. They turn around and face the same way as Ray. Seeing what he sees they freeze like a deer caught in headlights. We see Dicko, and his clan, consisting, of course, of Snake, Sam, Ricky, Billy, and Kris. They are stood behind their de facto leader, almost in a formation, as if they are an organized group. DICKO Well, well, look what we have here. Dicko is holding a gun. DICKO (CONTD) The Golden Girls pulling a Halloween prank. MARC Its not Halloween. Dicko shoots his gun at Marcs foot, only missing it by an inch. Surprised, he reacts by jumping back and falling on his bottom. He lands by Chips feet. DICKO It is if I say so.

294.

Chip helps up Marc. Meanwhile, Spud, who is subtly glaring, steps forward, putting himself in the line of fire. SPUD Look, were really sorry about what we did. But well clean it up, okay? DICKO Im afraid we cant do that. KENNY And why not? DICKO Someone wants to meet you. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, WINE CELLAR (BASEMENT) - NIGHT We find ourselves in an old, large, wine cellar. It has stonewalls, vin rouge to the ceiling, and casks of a mysterious substance. Maybe whiskey. The smell and look of musk is strong. In the middle of this are Spud, Marc, Ray, Chip, and Kenny, tied around a thick column, with a sturdy rope. They have bruises and cuts on their faces. They are breathing heavy and appear exhausted. Marc especially as the rope is hung over his gut. But we cant see him as well, because hes at the back, opposite to everyone. Now the boys look out warily as echoing STEPS are heard. Then three long shadows are seen coming down by the passageway. Jon, Sam, and Dicko appear. We notice Jon is dressed in a sports coat. He and Dicko and Sam, by rank, walk over to Spud. Backed by his cronies, Jon leans in toward Spud. JON I apologize for our previous encounter. But if youd simply tell me the truth about why youre here this could all be over.

295.

SPUD I told you already. Were not out to get you. Were not working for anyone. No one sent us. JON Old man, old man, old man, old man, you are too good a liar. SPUD Im not a liar. JON Are you telling me you dont know anything about our little smuggling business here? Nothing at all? You dont know that the casks down here are filled with cocaine? SPUD If youre attempting to keep a secret youre not doing a very good job at it. JON No, actually I am. Jon goes over to a cask. He puts a glass under it and opens the tap. He fills his glass with wine. JON (CONTD) Look at how clever that is. SPUD Its wine. So what? JON Thats whats so clever. The front part is filled with wine. The back drugs. So when people come in here and inspect it they think the only thing we have down here is French booze. Pretty neat, huh? SPUD Hey, can I ask you a question? JON Go ahead. SPUD Why dont you go screw yourself?

296.

JON Ha. We got a comedian over here. Jon puts out his arm. JON (CONTD) Ladies and gentleman, Shaun Majumder! SPUD ...Who? Jon, carrying his wine-filled glass, walks back to Spud. JON Dont ask stupid questions. He places it gingerly against his nose. SPUD ...Why? JON BECAUSE I SAID SO! He throws the wine glass, which smashes against a wall. The wall by the opening to the passageway, where the stairs are located. Marc, whos tied to the back of the column, wriggles and turns his head, trying to see. MARC Hey, whats going on back there? At this moment Lisa appears, coming off the steps. Everyone looks and seems to freeze for a moment as they are graced with her presence. The mood, however, is more of shock than awe. Jon grins. JON Lisa, my dear, how nice of you to pay us a visit. Lisas eyes are darting. LISA What, what is this? SPUD Lisa! Thank God youre here!

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Jon puts his hand over Spuds mouth, making him go mmmmph! JON Wait a minute, how did he know your name? (realizes) You two know each other, dont you? Lisa nods. Tentatively. JON (CONTD) Ah, now I see whats going on. LISA Huh? JON This is a double cross. You sent these people here to take me down. Havent you? LISA Thats ridiculous. Lisa cautiously steps forward. LISA (CONTD) Now, untie them and let them go. JON I have a better idea. Jon reaches into his sports coat and pulls out a dart gun, which for everyone else looks to be a normal pistol. Taking no time, he aims it at Lisa, and shoots. The bright red dart hits her in the middle of her chest. Everyone, save for the baddies, gasp in horror. Lisa, who is losing consciousness, starts stumbling around. LISA You -She reaches out her left hand, which closes and stiffens like a birds talons. Then she drops to the floor. There is a moment of silence until Spud starts yelling and struggling. SPUD You goddamn bastard! What did you do?! Jon points his dart gun at Spud and the others.

298.

JON Be quiet! When they quiet down Jon whispers into Dickos ear. Dicko nods, and goes over to Lisa. He picks her up and drags her upstairs. Jon puts away his dart gun and beckons Sam. He whispers something in his ear too. Sam nods to whatever hes told. SAM Okay. I understand. Jon stops whispering. JON Well, now that thats all sorted out, I guess I should get going now. Goodbye, everyone. He starts walking away. SPUD Where are you going? Jon says nothing and disappears up the stairs. And so, Sam is left alone. Awkwardly he faces Spud, Chip, Ray, and Kenny. Marc (again) is just around the back of the column that they are all tied to. SAM Sooo... SPUD What did he say to you? SAM Nothing. RAY Nothing? It didnt sound like nothing. SAM Look, guys... SPUD Are you going to kill us? SAM Mmmmmaybe.

299.

MARC WHAT! Everyone but Sam gasps; they look to be in shock. Fear is in their faces. KENNY My boy, have you ever killed anyone before? SAM No. KENNY Look. Im a doctor. I save lives. Saving lives is much more satisfactory than taking them. Trust me. Youre young. You can change your life. You neednt do this. SAM I dunnooo. KENNY Let us go. I promise youll have no regrets about it and your conscience will thank you. CHIP We wont tell anyone what happened here. You have our word. You wont get in trouble. SAM Im not worried about the cops, you know that? Kenny, Ray, Chip, and Marc have little to say. They are sweating more than ever before. SPUD Wait. Forget about us. What about Lisa? SAM You mean your daughter? SPUD (nods) Where did they take her? SAM You dont wanna know.

300.

SPUD Tell me. SAM I have no idea where she is, but -I dont really know whether I should be divulging this information to you. SPUD Does it matter? Arent we going to die anyway? RAY (whispers to Spud) Dont give him ideas. SAM Okay. Ill tell you whats happening. Jon, you know, that man who threw the wine glass? He told Dicko, my other friend who was down here, to, uhhh... SPUD To what? SAM Dispose of the girl. SPUD You mean -- kill her? Sam nods. A lump forms in Spuds throat. The others struggle to stay calm, to contain themselves. SAM Come half an hours time when the tranq dart wears off. Its made for animals, so its a bit potent. KENNY Why half an hour? SAM Jon wants to watch her die. But he cant right now, because hes off taking one of his famously long bubble baths. Spud explodes, so to speak.

301.

SPUD Thats it! Im gonna kick his ass! He screams, and struggles, trying to get out of the rope tying his body. SAM Dont fight it. Youll only exhaust yourself. Exhausted, Spud stops squirming. He is breathing heavily. SPUD I swear. Even if I die, Im gonna come back as a zombie and kill that sonofabitch. CHIP (to Spud) Spud, be careful about what you say. SAM Its alright. It doesnt matter. Ive already made up my mind. KENNY No -Sam walks over to a toolbox, picks it up, and lays it down on a table. He opens it up and looks through the assortment of possibly painful tools, including a screwdriver, hammer, saw, and knife. He settles on the knife. Carrying it with him he turns around, and ambles over to Spud and the others, who are literally shaking, heads turned unable to face their own doom. Sam holds the knife out uncomfortably close. Then he swings it down and cuts the rope tying everyone to the column. SAM Youre all free to go now. Spud, Ray, Chip, and Kenny tentatively look. At Sam and the floor, where the chopped rope lies. SPUD You did the right thing, kid. Spud extends his arm to shake Sams hand. While shaking his hand there is a loud, discordant scream.

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Marc appears behind with a chair and swings it, full force, into Sams back, causing it to shatter into bits and pieces. Sam drops to the floor. MARC I got him, you guys! KENNY He was letting us go. MARC Was he? RAY Yah! MARC Well, I didnt know that. CHIP With a chair too. MARC Okay. Whatever. Im sure hes still alive. Marc taps Sams body with his foot. Sam groans. MARC (CONTD) See. Now, lets get outta of here. Marc, Ray, Chip, and Kenny rush to leave, but Spud stays behind. SPUD Wait! Everyone stops to look behind. SPUD (CONTD) What about Lisa? RAY Were gonna call the cops. SPUD They wont get here in time. KENNY And what do you propose we do? SPUD Go and find her.

303.

MARC A rescue mission? SPUD Sort of. KENNY At our age? Youre outta your mind. SPUD Look. I fought in Nam. This cant be much harder can it? CHIP Spud. I care about you, and I care about your daughter, but the chances of succeeding are slim to none. SPUD If we use our brains we can survive. These kids got strength and stamina, but they dont got smarts. RAY What if we die? SPUD I can guaranteed none of you will die. I will not let that happen. RAY What about getting seriously injured? SPUD I dont know, but I can guarantee at the end of this all of you will come out alive. KENNY This is a bad idea. SPUD Please. I need you guys. Were a team, arent we? Kenny, Ray, and Chip appear worried and unsure. However, Marc boldly steps forward. MARC I dont care what anyone else here is doing, Spud. (MORE)

304. MARC (CONT'D) I will join you and fight by your side. Id rather die a hero than live a coward... I will be a hero, if I do this, right?

SPUD (nods) In my opinion. MARC Then call me Ishmael cause we got a white whale to catch. Marc joins Spud by his side. Now, Spud looks to Kenny, Ray, and Chip. SPUD Anyone else? Is it just gonna be the two of us? KENNY (nods affirmatively) You know what? Count me in. Kenny joins the cause. SPUD Chip? Ray? Chip looks to his left, then to his right, still trying to come to a decision. SPUD (CONTD) Chip? CHIP (rolls eyes) Aw, hell. Whats another black person dying, so that the white man can live, huh? Chip steps forward and joins Spud, Marc, and Kenny. All we have left is Ray. Ray who is twiddling his fingers. RAY Okay. Heres the thing... Ray turns around, and starts running off in the opposite direction. He goes up the steps at the back, and opens the cellar door. He steps outside, where it is dark, windy, and raining. He looks back.

305.

RAY (CONTD) (speaking over wind and rain) I know you guys think Im a yellow belly chicken right now, but I just cant not think -- this is a totally idiotic idea! Im gonna to call the cops. Im friends with one of them. Hell come faster than you think. SPUD But we need your help. Youre a fireman. RAY Firemen dont carry guns. Ray closes the cellar doors and vanishes into the wet night air. Meanwhile, Spud, Marc, Chip, and Kenny are facing each other, thinking what to do next. KENNY (to Spud) Okay, kemosabe. Whats the plan? SPUD First things first, Marc, tie up the kid. We dont want him getting loose. MARC Right. Marc goes over to Sam, whos out cold, and begins tying him up with the rope laying on the floor. Meanwhile, Kenny, Spud, and Ray continue their discussion. Except Spud is taking some time to think. CHIP Well? SPUD Gimme a second, will yah? Marc pops up and returns to the group. MARC So, whats the word? SPUD We need tools. Armor, weapons, whatever you can get. (MORE)

306. SPUD (CONT'D) Look around and see if you can find anything useful.

Spud salutes. SPUD (CONTD) Get to it. Everyone nods, and then go looking around the cellar, trying to find anything that could be of use. Marc is trying to help but instead busies himself by popping open a bottle of expensive wine and drinking it. Kenny, who is nearby, hisses. KENNY Excuse me, Marcus, but I think youre supposed to be helping out not drinking. MARC Hey. Life is short. Enjoy yourself while you can. Marc tosses Kenny the bottle of wine. Kenny looks at the old looking label. KENNY Ooh, this is a very rare wine. MARC I know. Kenny shrugs his shoulders. KENNY Eh, when in Rome -- or someone elses house... Then he drinks till its all gone. He wipes his mouth, looks over his shoulder, and stashes a bottle in his pocket. He covers it using his shirt. CHIP (O.C.) Whoa! I found something! Chip beckons everyone over to a dark corner, where an OLD TRUNK is sitting. They all look down. SPUD What is it? CHIP I dont know.

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SPUD Cmon, open it. Chip opens the trunk. There is some military gear inside. Four green helmets to be exact. He lifts one out and puts it on his head. Spud, Kenny, and Marc take their own to wear. Marc adjusts his carefully, and then strikes poses. MARC Howd I look? KENNY Not bad actually. CHIP Mm, you look quite handsome. MARC Why, thank you. SPUD (interrupting) OKAY, ladies. Fashion shows over. Marc, Kenny, and Chip turn their attention to Spud. SPUD (CONTD) We gotta get going now. He smacks the top of each of their helmets like hes planting them down. KENNY Whyd you do that? SPUD For good luck. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, KITCHEN - NIGHT A door on the far side of the kitchen opens a crack. It is the door to the wine cellar. Inside are several pairs of eyeballs carefully looking out, stacked like heads on a totem pole. These Chip. ahead husky eyeballs of course belong to Spud, Marc, Kenny, and They are looking beyond the kitchen island that is just of them, and observing the table, where the young, man, named BILLY is sat down.

308.

Billy is feasting, no, gorging on a mountain of food. Every junk food you could find in your pantry, from biscuits to ice cream, to pies. Its there. MARC (whispering to Spud, Kenny, and Chip) Look at him. Hes so fat. Slow down, fatty. Take some time to chew, otherwise youll choke. SPUD (whispering too) Never mind how fat he is. We need to get past him. CHIP Should we run? I dont think hell be able to catch up. SPUD Hell alert the others. We have to sneak by. Spud takes action. He opens the cellar door, just enough, and gets down on his hands and knees to crawl. Leading the others he crawls behind the kitchen island. Spud, Marc, Chip, and Kenny, who is at the very back, lay low in their spot, staying as quiet as possible, whilst disgusting, echoing sounds of eating can be heard. KENNY I think Im gonna be sick. SPUD Shhh! Spud points to the exit. SPUD (CONTD) Listen. We need to get out of this kitchen, so heres the plan. Im gonna make a run for it. While the big boy chases me, Marc... MARC Yessir. SPUD ...I want you to sneak up behind him, and choke him out. Got it?

309.

MARC Clear as mud, Spud. SPUD Good. On the count of three then. Three, two -Suddenly Marc lets out a loud, smelly fart. Kenny, who is in the line of fire, so to speak, scrunches his nose. KENNY Aw, sweet Moses. Billy stands up, and looks to his left and to his right. BILLY Whos there?! MARC (whispering to Spud and the others) Im really sorry, guys. I, I couldnt hold it in. KENNY I think Im gonna pass out. CHIP Me too. SPUD Everyone, keep quiet. Breathe through your mouth, if you need to. Billy walks around the table, slowly, and takes out a handgun. BILLY Jon, is that you? He looks around suspiciously. BILLY (CONTD) I know someones there. SPUD (whispering to Marc, Chip, Kenny) Turn back, turn back! Spud, Marc, Chip, and Kenny, on their hands and knees, turn around part way, but then Billy jumps out in front of them and holds out his handgun.

310.

BILLY Dont move! What are you people doing here? SPUD Uuuuuh -- were from the post office? Here to make a delivery? BILLY How dumb do you think I am? KENNY (O.S.) Dumb enough. Billy turns his head. Kenny, who is somehow behind him, smashes a wine bottle (the one he stole) right to his skull. Billy tips over and falls to the floor with a THUD. Spud, Marc, and Chip stand up, knowing for the moment it is safe. Spud tips his helmet and glances down at the mess that is Billy. SPUD Good job, Kenny. KENNY Thanks. Kenny begins turning around to leave the kitchen. KENNY (CONTD) I guess we should get go -However, he accidentally steps on the spilt wine, causing him to fall straight onto his back. He falls like a tree. Spud, Chip, and Marc gather around him. CHIP Are you okay? KENNY (groaning) I cant move. SPUD Marc, do you think you can carry him? MARC Ill try.

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Marc leans down to carry Kenny, but is interrupted by Kenny himself. KENNY (interrupts) NO! Leave me behind. Ill just slow yah down. SPUD Were in this together. KENNY You dont have the time. SPUD But -KENNY Get out of here, I tell you! Or Ill start yelling and well all be caught! Kenny opens his mouth as if to scream. SPUD Okay. But were coming back for you. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, JONS BATHROOM (2ND FLOOR) - NIGHT Jon is in a tub, soaking in warm water, and bubbles. He has on sunglasses and is listening to an iPod. He is humming a familiar song, but what is it? CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ATRIUM - NIGHT We are in the atrium, the heart of Hillside Manor, where almost everything is connected. In the middle of this is large fountain, with vaulted ceilings, and two sets of stairs on either side that lead to the second floor. Imagine, if you will, a shape that is like the letter c. In this c are dozens of doors, both below and above. Here Spud, Chip, and Marc are searching for Lisa. They are going from door to door, looking inside whatever room is available.

312.

Chip, who is at this point opposite to Spud and Chip, looks into a room by the very end. He sticks in his head. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, DOJO - NIGHT A dojo is an Oriental room for training martial arts. We see that here, looking at the hanging heavy bags, striking equipment, and ancient weaponry adorning the wall. In the middle of this is our youthful deviant named KRIS. She is in a pink kimono, doing something that looks like a kata, a kata which is a set of movements (punches, kicks, blocks, etc) practiced for karate. When she turns around she spots Chip, who is peaking in. Unsure what to do about this awkward moment he is frozen like a shoulder. CHIP Oh. Uh, sorry. I didnt know anyone was in here. Kris squints at Chip. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ATRIUM - NIGHT Chip hastily pulls his head out of the DOJO. He closes the door and turns to flee. At this moment a sword punctures the door. Chip runs to Marc and Spud, who are busy at the other end, trying to get into a locked room via some method of lock picking. Spud is doing the lock picking, while Marc is holding a flashlight. CHIP Guys. No one hears. CHIP (CONTD) GUYS! Spud and Marc now look to Chip.

313.

MARC What is it, Chip? You know youre being very rude by interrupting. On the other end the sword in the door slowly pulls out. Kris bursts out of the dojo, and, screaming, charges with her Japanese blade. She runs toward Spud, Marc, and Chip. The three of them are now at attention. They jump to the side and avoid a swing of the sword, which crashes into a floor tile. But its not the end of it as more attacks come from Kris. She swishes her sword, up and down, side to side, forcing back Spud, Marc, and Chip. SPUD We need to make a run fer it! The three of them turn around to escape. Kris, however, catches up to Chip and cuts him across the back of his leg. Chip falls down. While he is bleeding, Kris stands above him, and raises her sword aloft. Ready to kill. KRIS PREPARE TO DIE, YOU WORTHLESS OLD MAN! AH-HA-HA-HA! Spud and Marc, who are at the entrance doors, pause and look back. They see what is happening. Chip is staring up at his soon to be murderer. He can see his eyes in her shiny blade. SPUD Stop! Spud withdraws a handgun from his pants. (Its the one from Billy.) SPUD (CONTD) Move a muscle and Ill shoot. Kris stays still. KRIS Really? I dont think you have the guts to do it. Spuds hands are shaking.

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KRIS (CONTD) Because you cant shoot a girl, can you? Im just too pretty. Kris takes a tiny step forward. SPUD Uhhh -MARC Shoot her already! Kris yells a WAR CRY and is a nanosecond away from swinging down her sword into Chips supple skull. KRIS YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Luckily, Spud shoots off his gun -- BANG! As smoke rises from the barrel, the cracking sound echoes throughout the manor. Kris moves up her eyes. She watches the blade of her sword, cut by a single bullet, fall to the floor. She now has nothing but a hilt (handle). The tables have turned. SPUD Deal with her, Marc! Marc rushes forward and body-checks Kris into the atriums fountain. Then, in a furry, he punches her in the face, spins her around and dunks her face into the water. He pulls her out and gives her a one-two, and a most grievous headbutt. Whilst she is dizzy from the attacks he picks her up and lifts her above his head. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ANTECHAMBER (2ND FLOOR) - NIGHT We finds ourselves in the antechamber. It an UPSTAIRS room that is beside the drawing room. It has three doors in total: one for the entrance, one for the washroom, and one, of course, for the drawing room. In the middle of this are Dicko, Snake, and Ricky. And Lisa, who is passed out, strapped to a bed that looks like it came straight from a mental hospital. Gazing at her we notice that her mouth is tied with a piece of fabric.

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We also notice in this room that Dicko is sitting down, while Snake and Ricky are stood with their backs against the wall. Then suddenly there is a distant noise outside the front door -- a THUMP or THUD -- a body dropping to the floor. The three boys turn their heads in synch toward the noise. SNAKE What was that? RICKY I dunno. DICKO (to Snake) Why dont you go and check it out? SNAKE Me? DICKO Yah. You. SNAKE Alright. Just gimme a second here. Snake zips down his leather jacket. He reaches into its inner pockets and takes out two, shiny, brand new six shooters. Each one is engraved with a word: HOLY and SMOKE. CUT TO: EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, FRONT YARD - NIGHT Marc is carrying Chip and Kenny atop both his shoulders, like two big sacks of potatoes. He is taking them away from Hillside Manor, walking down the grass and mud as it rains. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ATRIUM - NIGHT Snake comes out of the antechamber with both his guns. ASAP The door closes behind him. He looks opposite to where he is standing and sees Spud walking up the stairs, almost at the top. HITCHCOCK ZOOM ON SPUDS FACE, WHICH IS IN SHOCK. ZOING. CUT TO:

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INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, LIBRARY (2ND FLOOR) - NIGHT Spud rushes into the library, located at the end of the second floor, and closes the door. Which not a moment later becomes riddled with bullet holes. Spud, however, has the faculties to move out of the way. Then he takes several pieces of furniture, and uses them to barricade the entry. Stepping back, he takes out his gun, and gets behind a desk. He aims for the door, waiting for the barrier to be broken. After a sound of pushing and grunting the door is finally pushed back. Spud hesitantly pulls the trigger of his gun. He pulls it once, and then twice, and then thrice. There are no bullets left. He tosses it aside in frustration and observes the door. The door crack widens. Snakes hand comes through, pawing around. Holding a gun it lingers around the light switch. Spud springs up, and kicks Snakes hand. There is a scream, but Snake does not drop his gun. Spud gives it another go, kicking Snakes hand once more. This time Snake drops his gun, and at the same time the light switch malfunctions. There is an electrical spark and THE LIGHTS GO OUT. Spud looks up for a split second, then runs to the back of the library, literally disappearing in the darkness. A moment later the BARRICADE by the door is broken. SNAKE in a fit pushes his way inside, and enters the library. He walks ahead, carefully, holding out his gun like it is some sort of compass, guiding him. He waves it to and fro, barely able to see. For there is no illumination, other than the moon from outside, and occasional flashes of lightning. Carefully watching out, Snake arrives at the area just before the bookshelves. The bookshelves make two rows, each taking up a side of the room, between which is a path to walk. Snake goes down this path, searching for Spud. He looks side to side, checking the spaces, only to find nothing. Its frustrating. Its disappointing. Finally, he gets to the end, and, with his gun pointed, jumps out. He exclaims --

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SNAKE Ah-ha! Caught you, you son of a bitch! But there is NOTHING there. Snake is both bewildered and angry. He clenches his hand, making it into a fist. SNAKE (CONTD) Where the hell did he go? SPUD (O.S.) Look up, you punk! Snake looks up. Spud, who is atop a bookshelf, jumps down. Spud lands on Snake and the two crash to the floor. The force causes Snake to lose his gun. Now, the two adversaries become ensnared. They struggle on the floor. After rolling around, they get to their feet, and exchange a combination of punches. The match seems even, but then Spud gets in a haymaker, and hits Snake across the jaw, knocking his ass to the floor. Snake sits up, and scoots back, as Spud edges toward him. He appears stunned, wiping blood from his mouth. SPUD (CONTD) Give it up, kid, I used to box in the military. Snake only replies with a snare, and an irreverent, dismissive noise that sounds something like hrrhhhh. SPUD (CONTD) I dont want to hurt you. I just want to find my daughter is. Thats all. Is that too much to ask? CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, JONS BATHROOM (2ND FLOOR) - NIGHT Jon is soaking in his bubble bath. Sunglasses on and headphones around his neck, he yawns.

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An egg timer somewhere in the bathroom goes off. Nonchalantly he gets out of the tub. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ANTECHAMBER (2ND FLOOR) - NIGHT Lisa, who is still strapped down to the mental asylum bed, begins to stir. She awakes to find Dicko and Ricky standing before her. She tries to speak but her words are muffled as there is a piece of fabric holding her mouth closed. Her head turns when there is noise of a door opening. Jon comes out from his bathroom (JONS BATHROOM), and fully dressed, he walks over to where everyone else is. Dicko and Ricky stand straight, giving him their full attention. Lisas bewildered eyes are darting, trying to figure whats going on, or what will happen to her. But Jon pays her distress no mind, even though the glance he takes is sufficient enough to know how she is feeling. JON I see the tranquilizer darts worn off. Dicko nods. JON (CONTD) Well now, I suppose we should get this over with. Lisa anxiously observes. Jon points to a corner, where there is a cabinet. JON (CONTD) If you please. Dicko goes over to it and pulls open the top drawer in which a sawed-off shotgun is contained. He takes out the shotgun and returns to where the bed is. JON (CONTD) (to Dicko) Make it quick.

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Dicko points the shotgun to Lisas head. Lisa starts screaming and kicking as much as she can, despite being restrained. JON (CONTD) Wait! Dicko and Lisa take pause. DICKO ...? Jon stretches out his hand, and snatches the necklace and locket off of Lisas neck. LISA (muffled) Gimme back my necklace, you cunt! He puts it in his pocket. JON (to Dicko) Now, you may continue. But please do it in the belly area. I want her to suffer as much as possible. Dicko aims his shotgun at Lisas belly, and moves his finger onto the trigger. Lisa is sweating. Her eyes are wide. JON (CONTD) Wait! Jon interrupts Dicko once more. JON (CONTD) On the second thought, Id prefer to do it myself. After all she is MY girlfriend. Would that be alright with you, Mister Dicko? Dicko hands off the shotgun to Jon. DICKO (to Jon) Have at it. Jon aims the shotgun at Lisa, while she is pleading for her life. Her words, however, go unheard. They are nothing but a distorted cry. But then...

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RICKY (to Jon) I think youd better put that down. ...Ricky is pointing a gun at Jon, right between the eyes. Jon gingerly looks at Ricky. RICKY (CONTD) Im not kidding around. DICKO Ricky. What the hell do you think youre doing? RICKY (deep breath) Im in love with this girl, and Im not going to let anyone hurt her. DICKO Are you nuts? You barely even know her, if at all. RICKY I dont care. JON Please. Ricky. My friend. Youre making a big mistake. RICKY I am not making a mistake! You pull that trigger and I blow your brains out, pal! A layer of sweat has formed over Jons forehead. He and Ricky lock eyes, whilst Lisa stares up, awaiting whatever will happen next. And then there is a BANG! She screams. Ricky drops dead to the floor. Hes been shot in the back of head by none other than Dicko, who is holding up a smoking pistol. DICKO (to Ricky) Im so sorry. It had to be done. CUT TO:

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INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, LIBRARY (2ND FLOOR) - NIGHT The conflict between Snake and Spud continues. Snake, who is on the ground, kicks Spud in the groin. Spud double overs in pain. Snake gets up and grabs him by the head, and what hair is left, and shoves him hard into a bookshelf. After which he launches a vicious assault consisting of a Muay Thai elbow strike, and several punches. While Spud is in a daze, Snake wraps his hands around his throat, and begins choking him. Spud is gasping for air. He puts his hands on Snakes wrists, desperately trying to pull them apart. However, it is of no use. As it seems Spud is going to pass out, and die, he gets an idea. He reaches behind his head, and grabs a thick, heavy book: THE BIBLE. He takes the Bible and wallops Snake in the head, several times, causing the indiscriminate youth to let go. Snakes attempts to protect himself by covering up using his arms, but Spud somehow has a furious, unstoppable energy. Spud continues beating Snake with the good book. He beats him down, all the way to the floor. Soon its lights out for Snake. Yet Spud cannot stop himself from attacking. He attacks Snake till he is exhausted. He stops only to catch his breath. Then he politely places the Bible back into a bookshelf. CUT TO: EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ATRIUM - NIGHT Spud is halfway on the STAIRCASE. Battered, and beaten, he is almost floor. But eventually he makes it. floor, where he reluctantly stands ANTECHAMBER, the place in which he crawling up to the second He gets to the second outside the door of suspects Lisa to be.

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He reaches for the doorknob. CUT TO: EXT. LHOSPITAL - DAY Kennys green car, with Spud in the passenger side, takes off down the asphalt path. After a turn it exits the hospital grounds to enter Cormac McCarthy Road. CUT TO: EXT. CORMAC MCCARTHY ROAD - DAY Cormac McCarthy Road. A road like any other. Full of people, trying to both go to and get away from work. Kenny keeps his steering wheel steady, going along the lane. Spud has his arms folded. His eyes staring out like there is nothing ahead. KENNY (glances) You can turn on the radio and listen to some music. SPUD No, thanks. Not in the mood. KENNY Me neither. In the car there is an unbearable silence. KENNY (CONTD) ...Im gonna really miss you. SPUD Hey. Dont get started on me now. You never know. Maybe the doctors are wrong. Maybe its not tterminal. Maybe itll clear up on its own. What do you think? KENNY I wish that were the case. Suddenly Spud starts crying. Kenny, seeing his friend weep, pulls his car over to the curbside and parks it. He puts his hand atop Spuds hand to comfort him.

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KENNY (CONTD) Spud. I know that Im not going through what youre going through, but I understand, and I want to let you know that any time you need me, Ill be here for you. Okay? SPUD You dont get it. KENNY No? SPUD You think Im sad because Im gonna die? And thats all there is to it, right? KENNY Well, yes, dying can be quite traumatic. SPUD No, Im sad because I, I wont get to spend enough time with Lisa. If she never came into my life I wouldve never cared about dying. Im a grumpy, old man... But then she entered my life and was like a candle in a dark room. Now I cant take my eyes off her. I want to spend every minute of everyday with her, and be what I shouldve been to her -- a dad. Kenny sadly looks away. His eyes begin to water as he cannot bear the fact that soon his friend will be gone. Forever. CUT TO: EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ATRIUM - NIGHT We return to the SECOND LEVEL of the atrium, where Spud is standing by the door leading into the ANTECHAMBER. Hand on the doorknob, he takes out a gun, the six shooter once belonging to Snake. He takes in a breath, turns the doorknob, and swings the door open. He steps inside. CUT TO:

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EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ANTECHAMBER - NIGHT Spud enters the antechamber. His eyes look around warily; at first they see nothing, but then they are drawn aside, to the area where Lisa is strapped down to a bed. Lisa and Spud look at each other. They each appear in shock, unable to say any words at all. This moment feels far longer than the second that it actually is. LISA (whisper) You came for me. Spud rests his gun on the night stand beside, and, working from bottom to top, unstraps Lisa from the bed. As soon as Lisa is free she sits up and gives Spud a great, big hug, but it is not a hug of affection, it is a hug of relief. A moment after Lisa lets go. She takes a look at Spuds face, which is full of cuts, nicks, and bruises. LISA (CONTD) ...What did they do to you? Spud responds by standing. SPUD Come on. We have to go. He takes Lisas hand, and helps her to her feet. Together they both head for the door to leave. A moment after we see that Spud, due to his old age, has forgotten about and left behind his gun. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, ATRIUM - NIGHT Spud and Lisa exit the antechamber. They take a turn right to leave, but stop when they see Dicko blocking them at the top of the stairs. Spud remembers he has left behind his gun.

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SPUD (to self) Oh, crap... I forgot my gun. Dicko, making his way to wherever, points the shotgun that he is holding. He appears to be a bit confused, if angry. Spud and Lisa then try to go left, however, are stopped there as well. Sam has returned and is holding a handgun. He is about halfway on the steps, diagonal to Dicko, who has his feet on the flat ground of the second floor hallway. DICKO (to Sam) Sam, whatre you doing here? Come to see the show? SAM No. Sam aims his gun at Dicko. SAM (CONTD) Ive come to stop you. What youre doing is wrong. I suggest you turn around and leave. DICKO I have a better idea -Dicko aims his shotgun at Sam, returning the gesture. DICKO (CONTD) Why dont you leave? SAM Im giving you a chance here, Dicko. Go home or get shot. DICKO Ooh, Im so scared. Im wetting myself. SAM Im warning you. I have very good aim. DICKO Why? Because you won the National Rifle Junior Championship? So what? I have a shotgun. It has a wider catch.

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SAM If your head were the size of an apple, I could shoot it from over 300 yards away. DICKO First of all, my head is not an apple. Secondly -SAM (interrupting) JUST DROP THE GODDAMN GUN ALREADY! DICKO NOOO! YOU DROP YOUR GODDAMN GUN! Sam and Dicko are trembling with anger, and anxiety, as they point their weapons at one another. They stay fixed in their positions, unsure what might happen next. The tension in the air can be cut with a knife. LISA (whispering) What do we do? SPUD (whispering) Dont. Move. A. Muscle. On those words, Lisa and Spud stay as still as they possibly can. But then Lisas nose tingles, from dust floating in the air, and she lets out a roaring sneeze. It echoes throughout the atrium, setting off our two young men like dynamite. Sam and Dicko react by pulling the triggers on their guns, shooting each other dead. At the exact same time the two fall back and roll down the stairs. Finally they each stop with the sound of a THUD. Lisa gasps. She appears in shocking looking at the bodies that lay just below. Spud taps her on the arm to get her attention. SPUD (CONTD) Stop staring, will you? We hafta go. She and Spud, together, hastily begin heading down the stairs.

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Lisa, however, who is in front of Spud, suddenly stops. She turns around to go back up. But Spud, putting out his hands, blocks her way. SPUD (CONTD) Whoa, whoa, wherere you going? LISA I have to go back to get something. Lisa tries to step around Spud. He does not let her pass. SPUD Whatever it is we can buy another one. LISA This isnt something you pick up at the store. SPUD I dont care. We are leaving, young lady! LISA No! Lisa pushes past Spud and makes a beeline for the door to the DRAWING ROOM, which is next the antechamber. She goes inside, and, naturally, Spud follows her. SPUD Wait! Then the two disappear. The very next moment we swing down, from the stairs, and fix our eyes on the double doors, the entrance into the manor. Suddenly they swing open, and Jon, backdropped by rain, thunder, and lightning comes inside, most angrily. His fists are clenched, his face twisted. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT The drawing room is a big, luxurious space, made for entertaining guests. Rectangular in shape, it has a roaring fire place, padded chairs for lazing around, and many tall windows, one of which, near the back, is wide open, letting in the rain.

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Enter Spud and Lisa. Lisa charges inside, while Spud follows behind. Lisa, wasting no time, gets to searching, and looks through the clutter on a table. SPUD Lisa, we cant stay here. LISA Im not staying. Ill be gone as soon as I find what I need to find. SPUD And what exactly is that? LISA My locket. SPUD Thats why were here? For a crappy piece of jewelry? LISA Its not a crappy piece of jewelry. It was given to me by my mother. Spud takes a moment, and then sighs. SPUD Whats it look like? LISA Its gold and round. Youll recognize it when you see it. After closing the door to the drawing room, Spud splits off from Lisa, and the two search separately for the locket. They search high and low, looking under couch cushions, going through drawers, and peaking into every nook, and cranny that is available. After what seems far too long, with items strewn all about, they decide to give up. After opening an ornate box, and finding nothing inside, Lisa tosses it to the ground in frustration. LISA (CONTD) Well, sod it, weve looked everywhere. Were not going to find it.

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She puts her hands on her hip, and starts walking away. Then a gleaming object catches Spuds eye. SPUD Hang on a minute. Lisa pauses, faces Spud. Spud runs to the corner, where sits a rubbish bin. He rolls up his sleeve, reaches in, and takes out a necklace and locket. He dangles it on his fingers, holding it out to Lisa. SPUD (CONTD) Is this it? Lisa jogs over to Spud to see. She takes it in her hand. Staring at it she seems almost petrified. She opens it. Inside is a picture of her, as a child, and her mother. SPUD (CONTD) Are you okay? Lisa nods. She closes her pendant and puts it around her neck. LISA I think its time we left now. SPUD Good idea. Together Lisa and Spud head for the door. They almost get there, however, stop in their tracks when they see it beginning to open. The door opens, ever so slowly, with a subtle creaking noise. At first glance it seems like no one is there. Then Jon enters, quietly stepping into the room. He closes the door behind and places his hand into his jacket. There is an evil, almost indescribable glint in his eye. Without saying a word he walks toward Spud and Lisa. Spud and Lisa back up until they nearly have their backs against a wall. JON Old man, I would like to speak to your daughter alone. Spud takes a step forward.

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SPUD You listen to me. I dont care if youre packin heat goddamn it. You touch her you die. JON Old man, you are mistaken. I am not packin any sort of heat. What I am packin is -- a KNIFE! Jon takes out a knife from his jacket and thrusts it toward Lisa; however, his attack fails when Spud jumps in front to shield her. The blade runs deep into Spuds chest and he collapses to the ground. Lisa lowers down along with him. She holds him as he struggles to breathe, to stay alive. The hilt of knife sticks up from his body, oozing copious amount of blood. Jon appears satisfied at the result, while Lisas eyes are watering. LISA S-S-Spud? SPUD You can call me dad, if you want. LISA Dad... Spud holds Lisas hand. SPUD My dear daughter. I love you. More than anything in the world. You are my proudest achievement. You have truly made me happy. Dont let anyone convince you that you deserve less. Then he dies. The life from his wide open eyes can be seen leaving. They darken as if two candles have been blown out. In them there is a swirling wisp of something that resembles (perhaps) smoke, rising away into the ether. At this very moment Lisa breaks down. She puts her face into her hands and weeps profusely. Tears seep through her fingers, pouring down like water from a waterfall.

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Jon looks down at Lisa, sympathetically. JON Lisa. Lisa isnt paying him any mind. JON (CONTD) LISA. Lisa lowers her hands just enough to see Jon. JON (CONTD) I know youre in pain right now, but seeing you cry, Ive realized the errors of my ways. Come, give me your hand. Let me help you up. Jon extends out his arm, offering his hand. JON (CONTD) Im going to call the hospital. LISA Its too late. JON You dont know that. Never say never. Lisa wipes her face, and takes Jons hand. Jon brings her up to her feet, and gently rubs her shoulder to comfort her. JON (CONTD) There. Now, dont you feel better? LISA No. JON Thats alright. I dont care anyway. Jon puts his hand on Lisas head, and pushes her to the ground. As she gets up he grabs her hair, drags her along, while she screams, and throws her down like a rag doll. She tries to flee. Jon grabs her by the arm, pulls her in, and then starts slapping her.

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Big, wild slaps. One. Two. Three. The fourth one puts her down. Lisa tries crawling away. But Jon kicks her in the gut, making her collapse. He then grabs her, lifts her up, and starts shaking her violently. JON (CONTD) You think my life is a joke, huh? You think you can just waltz around as you please, and do whatever you want, fucking things up, without ever paying the consequences?! You good for nothing, waste of oxygen! Jon shoves Lisa down, once again. This time she falls against a sofa. Jon takes off his belt and starts whipping her, as she whimpers and cries. JON (CONTD) Why cant you get your shit together?! Hmm?! What is so difficult ?! If you just did as I told you to, youd be fine! Finally, it stops. Jon whips himself tired. Breathing heavy, and sweating, his belt hangs limp in his hand. JON (CONTD) I think Im done here. Lisa, clean yourself up. He turns away to leave. This exact moment Lisa rises up. LISA No. Jon looks over his shoulder. JON Whats that? LISA NO. I am not going to do as you tell me. Jon spins on his heel and faces Lisa. Naturally, she takes a step back.

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JON You wretched, spoilt woman. Have you learned nothing? Hmph, why am I even with you? You dont deserve to have me. LISA Youre right. I dont deserve to have you. I dont deserve this suffering. JON Whatre you trying to say? LISA We-were through. And you know what else? Im going to tell the police everything I know. JON Really? LISA I mean it. JON Dont be foolish, foolish girl. Youll get in trouble too. LISA I dont care. Youre a murderer. JON Hmm, I think Ive had enough of your backchat. Jon uses his belt and whips Lisa in the face. When Lisa recoils he pulls back his arm, readying for another one of his most famous lashings. But the second attack comes and it is stymied as Lisa somehow grabs onto the belt before it can strike her. Jon is taken aback by this, appearing angrily surprised. JON (CONTD) What do you think youre doing? He tugs on the belt. Lisa, however, keeps a firm grip. LISA Youll never lay another finger on me ever again.

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JON Oh, no? LISA N-O. A tug of war breaks out. Lisa and Jon struggle for the belt. The two turn, and spin about the room, pulling back and forth. They manage to get themselves over to the open window, with Jon having his back to it. JON Grrrr! Let go! Let go of the belt! LISA Are you sure? JON I said LET GO! Lisa lets go of the belt. Jon stumbles backwards towards the open window. He bumps into it, almost falling out, but not quite. He regains his footing. JON (CONTD) (embarrassed) Whew. That was close. He glances over his shoulder. JON (CONTD) I almost fell out of that window. I guess God is watching over me tonight, huh? Suddenly, Lisa punches Jon in the face. WHAM! He slips on the rainwater, collected on the floor, and flips out the window, disappearing. LISA Oh, no. I didnt -Lisa goes over to the WINDOW. She leans out and peers down. Jon is OUTSIDE hanging off the ledge. JON Lisa.

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LISA Jon? JON Help me. Please. Give me your hand. Lisa reluctantly lowers her hand. Jon grabs it, with a sinister grin... JON (CONTD) Cooome on down! He tries pulling down Lisa. She screams, resisting. JON (CONTD) Whats the matter? Dont you want to reunite with your father?! AGHHA-HA-HA-HA! LISA You bastard! Lisa whacks Jons hand, which is holding her, repeatedly, until he lets go, and then he plummets to the soppy ground below. Is he dead? Lisa stares for a moment, unsure. She turns around and runs for the phone. She picks it up, dials 9-1-1. LISA (CONTD) (on phone) Hello? 9-1-1? CUT TO: EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, SIDE YARD - EARLY MORNING In a pool of mud, under the window of the DRAWING ROOM, Jon lays unconscious. The rain is still pouring down, but in the sky we see that the morning is soon to arrive, the light blue colour indicating that we are entering twilight. Enter Lisa, wet, and wary. She slowly walks over to Jon. LISA J-Jon? She looks down at Jon. She lowers down and touches him. She prods him, seeing whether he is awake.

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There is no response, physical or otherwise. Lisa lets out a sigh of relief, then she stands and turns around to leave. As she is walking away, slowly, Jon suddenly rises up from behind, and begins to follow her. Step by step he gets closer. And closer. And closer. Then he lunges at Lisa. He goes right through her, and lands on his hands, and knees. Because he is a GHOST. John is now a SPIRIT, a BEING OF THE UNDERWORLD. While Jon is on the ground, confused, and panicked, Lisa walks through him as if he is nothing more than a fog. Jon gets up and tries again to grab Lisa. Once more nothing happens. He tries a several more times to no avail. He looks at his own hands, wondering. JON (afraid) What is this? Whats happened to me? He looks back and sees his cold, dead corpse lying in the mud. He goes over to it and starts trembling upon the frightful sight. JON (CONTD) No, it cant be. All of a sudden a flaming hole appears in the ground. Jon sees it and immediately has a sense of fear. He runs for his life -- or soul as it may be. Then from the hole a spray of black, oozing vines climb out. They chase after Jon and wrap around him. He screams desperately in a struggle, trying to free himself. However, it is of no use. He is pulled away, and taken into the ground, into the searing, hot heat of hell. Meanwhile, Lisa is none the wiser. She is walking along, although warily, as if all is normal.

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Behind her the hole in the ground closes up. Now there is nothing of it, other than the tiny puff of smoke which it leaves behind. CUT TO: EXT. HILLSIDE MANOR, GATES - EARLY MORNING As the sun slowly rises behind Lisa, she goes on through the gates, which are now wide open. Looking most haggardly she gets onto the street,, where there is a display of flashing colored lights, and a noise of sirens. Police cars, ambulances, and a fire engine appear, then stop in front of her. Lisa doesnt seem to pay it any mind, as if she is in a hypnotic state. A gaggle of cops, led by Officer Jim, EMTs, and firemen rush past her, heading for the manor. Not a second later, Ray, who is trailing behind the others, comes onto the scene. Dressed in turnout gear he stops and notices Lisa. RAY Lisa! Is that you? Lisa hardly responds, only standing and staring. Ray goes over to her to see how she is. RAY (CONTD) Are you okay? Lisa nods. RAY (CONTD) Wheres your father? A lump forms in Lisas throat. LISA Hes gone. CUT TO: INT. HILLSIDE MANOR, DRAWING ROOM - MORNING While Debussys Arabesque #1 plays, we see that...

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...the rain has stopped. The sun is out. A shaft of light, filtered through a wet window, shines onto Spuds face. Still deceased his eyes remain wide open, frozen from when he was killed. Staring down, from above, we slowly descend toward him. In there we see not tragedy of this mans life ended far too soon, but rather his cherished memories. They flash before us. CUT TO: MONTAGE - SPUDS SAPPY MEMORIES OF LISA Arabesque #1 continues playing. 1) INT. SPUDS HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - DAY The first time Spud and Lisa meet. Spud opens the door to Lisa. Lisa hugs him. 2) INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LISAS BEDROOM - DAY Lisa is sitting on her bed, waiting. The door opens. Spud has her luggage in his arms, and sets them down. She says thanks. He nods no problem and then catches his breath. 3) EXT. PARK - DAY Lisa and Spud are having a picnic. 4) EXT. PARK - DAY Lisa and Spud are playing baseball. Spud throws the ball, and Lisa hits a home run. Lisa jumps for joy. Spud tells her to run. She runs around the diamond. 5) EXT. LAKE - DAY Lisa and Spud are on the lake in a boat, fishing. Lisa gets a bite. She pulls up her rod and reels in a boot. The two look disappointed at first, but then have a laugh. 6) INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Lisa and Spud are playing Pattycake. 7) EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY

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Lisa and Spud are on a Ferris wheel, eating ice cream. 8) EXT. NEW YORK - DAY Lisa and Spud are taking a picture in front Liberty. 9) EXT. ZOO - DAY Lisa and Spud at the zoo, looking at otters holding hands. Lisa is touched. 10) EXT. SPUDS HOUSE, BACKYARD - DAY Lisa and Spud are jumping on a trampoline. 11) EXT. SPUDS HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Lisa and Spud arm wrestling. Lisa wins. 12) EXT. SPUDS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Lisa and Spud playing checkers. Lisa wins by a mile. Spud folds his arms. Lisa pats his arm, trying to console him. 13) EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY Lisa and Spud are in a pie eating contest. Spud wins and is declared the champion. Lisa claps. 14) INT. MARKS TREE HOUSE - DAY Lisa is in the clubhouse doing the hula hoop. 15) INT. CINEMA - DAY Lisa and Spud are watching a movie. Spud gets spooked, and holds onto Lisa. He realizes and looks embarrassed. He says sorry, but Lisa tells him its okay, and she pulls him in to comfort him. 16) EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY Spud is carrying Lisa on her back. 17) EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY Spud and Lisa are riding bicycles. 18) INT. SPUDS HOUSE, LISAS BEDROOM - DAY Spud tucks Lisa into bed, reads her a book. She looks up, imagining. the Statue of

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19) INT. BALLROOM - DAY Spud and Lisa are dancing, twirling around. 20) EXT. DUCK POND HILLS - DAY Spud, Lisa, Ray, Chip, Marc, and Kenny run up a hill. When they get to the top they lay down, and stare up at the clouds. 21) EXT. DUCK POND AREA - DAY Spud is alone at the duck pond, feeding the ducks bread. END OF MONTAGE CUT TO: EXT. ENGLISH COAST - DAY A yellow VW Camper travels down an idyllic road. The road follows an equally beautiful coast, where the sun is out, and the sky is a perfect blue. An all seeing eye watches over the driver, whose soft voice we hear. LISA (V.O.) I knew that things would never be the same again, and as I drove on, I was overwhelmed with a great sadness. But in that sadness, I realized something about life. The VW Camper takes a turn. CUT TO: EXT. RICHARDS CLIFF - DAY The VW Camper stops. The doors swing open. Out come Lisa, Chip, Ray, and Marc. Kenny is in a wheel chair and is helped down. Lisa, wearing shades, lugging a rucksack, leads the group to the edge of the white cliff. She unzips the rucksack and takes out an urn. She removes the lid from the urn, then reaches inside. She takes out a handful of ashes. She holds it out like an offering to the gods.

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LISA (V.O.) Life isnt about how much money you make. Or the big house you live in. Or the fancy car you drive. Its about the people you meet... The ashes are carried away by the wind. They fly over the crashing, blue sea. CUT TO: EXT. LISAS HOME - DAY We look into the WINDOW of Lisas home, giving us a view of the LIVING ROOM. In it we see Lisa, Chip, Ray, Mark, and Kenny having tea, smiling, and laughing. The DOORBELL rings. Lisa leaves the living room. Our eyes shift to the right over to the front door. The front door swings open. Lisa greets Oliver, who is standing before her. She welcomes him inside and slowly closes the door -- but not before giving us a blissful grin. LISA (V.O.) ...the ones who make you feel loved and cherished. Thats what life is all about. Because who the hell are we without that thing we call love? Play us out, Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond. FADE OUT.