MIRACULOSITY

By T. Alex Miller

ACT I
Scene I
Scene: The present
Place: A park in the South somewhere, early spring
TED, a man in his 20s, maybe early 30s, is sitting on a
bench. He is anything but suave; he is, in fact, a geek and
probably dresses so. He is obviously waiting for someone,
someone who is late. He fidgets, looks about etc. Finally,
NINA enters. She is about the same age as him, high-energy
and purposeful with a light Southern accent. She looks like a
vision from the 40s or 50s, dressed in a pink skirt with a
white sweater and handbag. Did she just come from church? She
strides directly to TED.

NINA
(Extending hand)
You must be Ted?

TED
(Standing)
I must be.
(He shakes, a little
uncertainly)
Or I could be Roger.

NINA
Who’s Roger?

TED
I don’t know. I don’t know a Roger.

NINA
Nor I. Why did you mention him?

TED
I don’t know. Something inane to say at an awkward moment.
Perhaps I’m a little nervous. First date and all.

NINA
(laughs)
Oh, well, me too. Maybe I’ll say something crazy as well,
like ‘let’s barbecue one of those squirrels.’

TED
(He laughs, again a little
uncertain.)
What a charming thought. Shall we sit?
(They sit, look about. He
regards her.)
You look like you I-M.
 Miraculosity 2.

NINA
Do I?

TED
Yeah, all perky, funny.

NINA
Well, thanks. Sometimes people are hiding themselves when
they’re talking on computer. I think if you’re going to talk
and flirt online, you should do it as if you’re there, in
person.

TED
That’s ... sound. What about me?

NINA
Pardon?

TED
Me. Do I live and breathe in front of you in a way that’s
consistent with my I-M personality?

NINA
(laughs)
Yes! Listen to those big words! You know, there were times
when I had to quick look up words when you were IM’ing me.

TED
Oh, baloney. You went to school, know a few words.

NINA
(waving hand)
Oh, la.

TED
‘Oh, la?’

NINA
Something wrong with Oh, la?

TED
No, not at all. It’s just very, Southern belle, I guess. It’s
a breed I’m still getting accustomed to.

NINA
Well, I’m sure I don’t agree with the use of the term
‘breed.’ But we are a breed apart. And you, Mr. Ted I-don’t-
know-your-last-name, are a stranger to these parts.

TED
I told you, I’m a Yank, a Northerner. I just moved here,
what, two weeks ago?
 Miraculosity 3.

NINA
Well, our I-Ms were short on detail and long on fa-la-la.

TED
Fa-la-la is ... bullshit?

NINA
(Bristling)
No. It’s fa-la-la. Nothing-talk. But fun.

TED
Southern expression?

NINA
My expression.

TED
(Eagerly)
So maybe we should get down to biographical information now?
Find out if we’re compatible.

NINA
(Stands, crosses to a tree and
touches it)
Look at this magnificent old tree.

TED
Um, yeah. She’s a beauty. What a tree.

NINA
How old, would you say?

TED
(confused)
I don’t know. A hundred, million years old? Why did you
change the subject?

NINA
(To herself)
I bet it’s over 500 years old. Just think, growing here since
before the South was even settled.
(To TED)
We must dance, Mr. Ted. We can’t go stampeding for the altar.

TED
Stampeding ...? Altar?

NINA
Or fill out forms, putting down our preferences on all
things, our philosophies, our desired number of children. Who
knows, Mr. Ted, this could be our first and only date. Can’t
we enjoy it without getting into all that, that stuff?
 Miraculosity 4.

TED
Oh, sure. It’s just that I ...

NINA
Yes?

TED
You have to understand, Nina, I’m a mathematician. I design
software, which typically means I’m holed up in a room all
day and sometimes all night with a bunch of guys drinking Dr.
Pepper, reciting lines from ‘Lord of the Rings’ and ‘Monty
Python.’ And I’m very process oriented, cut-to-the-chase-like
if you will. And you, you’re hugging a tree.
(She is, indeed, hugging the
tree)

NINA
I’ve always wanted to do that. You know how they talk about
tree huggers, but it’s only metaphorical? I just felt the
urge to do it.

TED
You’re not insane, are you?

NINA
No. I’m toying with you. Process-oriented, huh? And software?
How many dates have you been on?

TED
Counting this one?

NINA
Sure.

TED
There was one other girl, in college. Actually, she lived in
Canada ...

NINA
Oh, Lord. I was talking about recently. But you really are
new at this, at your age?
(He nods. She sits)
Maybe we should do a little compatibility work, then. But let
me just tell you, Mr. Ted, that if we’re going to date, even
one more time, we have to stop and smell those roses and
focus on just being together and finding out about each other
in a way that’s natural and special and, oh I don’t know,
romantic.

TED
I’m not sure I can do romantic.
 Miraculosity 5.

NINA
I’ll lead at first. You should read some books. If it goes
anywhere, there will be expectations later on.

TED
It’s a deal.

NINA
(As if she’s about to take
notes)
So ... you are male, and that’s good.

TED
Thanks, thanks for noticing. Been this way all my life.

NINA
And you’re, what, 25, 30?

TED
Close enough.

NINA
See?! A little coyness, that can go a long way. Bravo!

TED
Thanks.

NINA
So, OK, basic question: Where do you work at your software
making thing.

TED
Well, I don’t work anywhere at the moment.

NINA
(Curious, possibly displeased)
Oh?

TED
That’s why I’m here, actually. My friend, Mudd, he works at
the Toyota plant here, and he had a job lined up for me, but
it fell through.

NINA
Ah. The noble worker, double-crossed by the corporate tyrant.

TED
Actually, it was more like a glitch in HR. But it’s not like
there are a lot of other openings for software engineers in
this town.
 Miraculosity 6.

NINA
No. I don’t suppose so. There’s the Piggly-Wiggly and the
movie theater and ...

TED
So where do you work?

NINA
(Considering how much to
reveal)
Hmmm ... well, I am a communications director for ... a
growing organization.

TED
So, like PR. You’re a flak.

NINA
Ooh, I don’t like that word. But ‘PR Gal’ is OK.

TED
PR Gal, OK. Do you work for Toyota?

NINA
Oh, no, no. Not them.

TED
Piggly Wiggly?

NINA
(Laughs)
Wrong again. And not the movie theater, either.

TED
Hmmm. Well, the only other place I’ve really heard of around
here is that nutbag preacher, What’s-His-Face, with the
whacko ministry on the hill.

NINA
Ding! That’s it! The whacko ministry, that’s who I work for!

TED
Oh, shit. I mean, sorry. No, um, that’s ... interesting.

NINA
(Hand on his knee)
That’s OK, Mr. Ted. In fact, that’s one of the reasons Mr.
Bolton hired me, to counter those kinds of perceptions.

TED
That’s him, the Rev. Lane Bolton! So it’s a misperception
that he thinks all gays should be slipped between the
tectonic plates to burn in hot magma?
 Miraculosity 7.

NINA
That’s not quite what he said ...

TED
Or that we should reinstate Prohibition and have a prayer
hour in public schools?

NINA
Those are some of his platforms. I take it you don’t agree?

TED
(Buries head in hands)
Sh-darn, Nina. I was ... god, I hate talking about religion.
I just wanted to go on a date with a nice woman and ...

NINA
Hop in the sack ASAP?

TED
No! But talk about other things, fun things. And then after
enough fun things were said, then we’d hop in the sack ...
(Off her look)
...after a reasonable amount of time and in a caring and
adult manner. With romance. Plenty of romance. After I read a
few books.
(They are silent for a moment)
So you’re like a big-time Christian, then?

NINA
Big time. A real Bible-thumpin’ Jesus freak.

TED
Wow. I’ve never met one before. You know, I mean, I grew up
in Manhattan.

NINA
Right.
(Standing)
So I guess this is it?

TED
Whoa. I didn’t say that.

NINA
Well, it’s not looking good, you know. If your religions are
all out of whack, there’s not much hope.

TED
How do you know I’m not a gung-ho Christian?
(She gives him a look)
I mean, I’m not, but let’s not assume.
 Miraculosity 8.

NINA
OK. Are you Christian at all?

TED
No.

NINA
A lapsed Christian then?

TED
No. Oh no.

NINA
Do you believe in God?

TED
(Laughs, catches himself)
Um, no. I think it’s a cute myth, like Zeus or something. But
not in the literal sense.

NINA
(Curious, sitting back down)
A myth? That’s really what you think?

TED
(Surprised)
Yeah. That’s what everyone I know thinks. I would even go so
far as to say it’s what we know to be true. Much the way you
believe, I don’t. Just as strongly. I believe in the natural
world, evolution ...

NINA
(Standing again)
I see. Then there’s really not much point in continuing, is
there?

TED
(Sadly)
Probably not.

NINA
Well, have a good ... life.
(She turns to go)

TED
Nina?

NINA
(Turning)
Yes?
 Miraculosity 9.

TED
I think you’re beautiful, anyway. And cool and funny, too. I
mean, for what it’s worth.

NINA
(Touched, despite herself)
Thank you, Mr. Ted. What is your last name, anyway?

TED
Weinstein.
(Lights out/transition)
ACT I
Scene II
Lights come up on the same park, where TED and his roommate,
MUDD, are tossing a ball or a frisbee or playing hackysack or
even chess. Their activity can change with each appearance.

MUDD
So, then she just split?

TED
Well, yeah. I’m a godless Jew, what the hell good am I to
her?

MUDD
But she was hot?

TED
Oh yeah.

MUDD
How hot?

TED
(Coy)
Even hotter than this friggin’ park. What is it, only May? It
must be 90 degrees out here.

MUDD
Welcome to the South, my friend. If you don’t have a job in
the A/C, you’re brain stews until all you can think about is
beer and college football. How’s that for a stereotype?

TED
What do the Japanese guys at the plant think about it?

MUDD
The ones who are assigned here are like those old military
guys who do something wrong and have to go to ‘Ice Station
Zebra.’ They’re not too happy about it, and if you’ll notice,
you don’t exactly see them around in the community, coaching
little league or anything. So c’mon, more on this chick. How
about the bod?
 Miraculosity 10.

TED
Perfect, far as I could tell under the dress.

MUDD
Jesus, she wore a dress?

TED
Yeah. Or a skirt or something. And don’t call me Jesus. But
what difference does it make? I might as well have told her I
was a child molester.

MUDD
Well, if she was a Catholic, that’s something she might
understand.

TED
Not funny.

MUDD
Well ... I think you should call her.

TED
What?

MUDD
Yeah. Chicks like guys who are different. Plus, if she’s a
gung-ho, card-carrying member of the God Squad, she’ll want
to convert you. And that’ll mean spending more time with you.

TED
Yeah, right.

MUDD
I’m serious. That’s what they do. And once you eat the cookie
or say your hallelujahs or whatever, man, you’re in. That
skirt is off like a prom dress.

TED
I never went to prom.

MUDD
I know.

TED
But damn, Mudd, I don’t want to be a Christian. I’m a
friggin’ lapsed Jew. Atheism my parents can handle, barely,
but if I went to play for the other team, they’d lose their
minds.

MUDD
You’re too old to worry about what your parents think.
 Miraculosity 11.

TED
Mudd, I’ll always be Jewish, regardless of what I believe.
I’m a good, Jewish boy. I couldn’t live with my parents’
disapproval. My mother, oy vey.

MUDD
Whatever.

TED
So you really think ...

MUDD
Listen, all I know is you don’t try, you don’t get anywhere.
This girl, Nina? She obviously had something that interested
you.

TED
She’s weird, I mean funny-weird. In a good way. And smart.
Even sarcastic. That’s not something you typically see in
these people.

MUDD
Well, you need to get over that, too.

TED
What?

MUDD
“These people.” If you think about her like some kind of
other species, you’re not going to get far. She’s a woman,
and they all want the same thing.

TED
Clothes, right? Shoes.
(Off his look)
I was joking. I’m not that clueless.

MUDD
Actually, you are. You’re going to need all my help on this
one. And what women want is simple: A good guy who’ll take
care of her. The details later are a mess, but that’s the
basics.

TED
Why bother? It’s a lost cause from the start. And why am I
even here anymore?

MUDD
Because you sublet your place on 111th street and you’re
totally hosed unless you want to move back in with your
parents in Scarsdale.
 Miraculosity 12.

TED
There is that. Thanks for reminding me.

MUDD
Call her. It’ll be an interesting challenge, if nothing else.
(Ted’s cell phone rings; he
answers it)

TED
Hello? Oh, hi. I’m surprised to hear from you. Really
surprised. Uh-huh. Yes. Yep, still looking. You’re kidding
me, right? Sure I’m good but ... No, I guess it can’t hurt.
Two o’clock, OK. See you then.
(He puts the phone away)
You’re not going to believe this.

MUDD
Who was it?

TED
Her.

MUDD
Your mom?

TED
No, Nina.

MUDD
What the hell did she want?

TED
It’s something about a job, with the ministry.

MUDD
Shut the hell up!

TED
I’m serious. Some kind of software gig, some program, some
protocol this guy Bolton wants to do. She didn’t elaborate.

MUDD
Well hell, man, there’s your in! But this guy Bolton, he’s a
real nut job. I mean, fire and brimstone as far right as you
can get bible-thumping lunatic. Wants to crucify all the gays
and turn the schools into churches.

TED
I know. But if I don’t get a job soon, I’m going to have to
move in with my parents.
 Miraculosity 13.

MUDD
Interesting to get an inner look at that world, though. Maybe
you could write a book.

TED
(Not really listening)
What should I wear?

MUDD
I think you should show up in a Speedo.

TED
Thanks.

MUDD
And an Apache headdress ...
(Lights start to dim)

TED
Good idea.

MUDD
And you should be drunk. Really drunk.
(Lights out/transition)
ACT I
Scene III
The headquarters of the American Christian Values Coalition,
a conference room adjacent to the office of the Rev. Lane
Bolton. Bolton is an average-looking middle-aged man with
white hair and an immaculate suit. He is, at all times, on
top of his game and on-message, never betraying much beyond a
preternaturally sunny disposition. In his presence, Nina is
equally sunny but all traces of her harder edges are gone.
She is deferential but not cloying. As the scene opens,
Bolton is at his desk and Nina is at a whiteboard or flip
chart, talking communications strategy. We might notice
Bolton eyeing her posterior, but mostly he’s all ears,
impressed by his communications director.

NINA
(Writing)
... And we can’t just hit the big media. I want to get this
out to all the smaller papers as well. That’s where a lot of
our constituency is.

BOLTON
Sounds good, Nina. What’s next?

NINA
Well, remember I told you I had someone who could help with
the Prayer Base? He’s here, if you have a few minutes.
 Miraculosity 14.

BOLTON
Oh, OK. Bring him in. Where’d you find him?

NINA
In the park.
(She opens the door; she seems
distressed)
Mr. ... Bush?
(Nothing)
Ted?
(TED appears, confused)

TED
Hello.

NINA
Come in, please.

BOLTON
(Rising)
Hello there, come on in.

NINA
Mr. Theodore Bush, this is the Rev. Lane Bolton
(They shake hands)

TED
Ted is fine, really.

BOLTON
Bush, eh? Nothing wrong with that. But Ted it is. Have a
seat, have a seat. Welcome to the American Christian Values
Coalition. Around here, we just say ‘AC-VC.’

TED
Hey, ‘Back in black.’
(Blank looks from Nina and
Bolton. They all sit)

BOLTON
So, Nina here tells me you’re the computer guy. In fact, I’ve
been having trouble with my iPod, can’t seem to get the darn
thing to upload these sermons I’ve recorded ...

TED
Actually, I’m not that kind of computer guy, Rev. Bolton. I’m
a software engineer. I design things, programs and such.

BOLTON
Yes, of course. But if you could look at my iPod ...?
 Miraculosity 15.

TED
Nina said something about a database problem, and some kind
of automated response issue?

NINA
Ted, what the AC-VC is needing is something to handle all the
prayers that come in.

BOLTON
And boy, do we get a lot of them!

NINA
Since the Reverend’s Sunday service has gotten on cable, our
prayer count has gone up to over 40,000 a week.

BOLTON
That’s a lot of prayers, son. And no one does ‘em the old-
fashioned way anymore.

TED
How do you mean?

NINA
What the Reverend is saying is that people don’t just pray
directly to God anymore. I mean, they do that still, of
course, but they also look to us. Electronically.

BOLTON
We are the conduit, sir, by which the Lord Almighty hears the
prayers of the faithful.
(Ted looks stricken, pulls
himself together)

TED
Ah. So people are ... e-mailing their prayers to you, your
organization?

BOLTON
Yes.

NINA
And also using instant messaging, and text messaging off
their cell phones. We also have an online form they use.

TED
Wow. That’s ... cool.

BOLTON
The way I see it, Ted, is that Our Savior is a busy man. What
we do is help filter some of the chatter. Focus things. But
we just can’t keep up with it anymore.
 Miraculosity 16.

TED
No, I suppose 40,000 messages a week would be a problem to
respond to personally.

BOLTON
Indeed. We do have a, how shall I say? A process in place. We
uh ... Nina, would you explain it to Mr. Bush? I’ve got to
visit the little boy’s room.
(Exits)

TED
Mr. Bush?! What the ...? What are you doing, Nina?

NINA
Oh, god, I’m so sorry! Lord forgive me! I almost said
‘Weinstein,’ but I just couldn’t.

TED
Why? Does this guy not like Jews?

NINA
Well, no. I don’t think he does. At any rate, Weinstein
wasn’t going to help any. It’d be like, I dunno, showing up
to your interview drunk, or in a wrinkled suit.

TED
I am a little drunk.

NINA
Oh, Ted.

TED
Just kidding. But Bush? Good god, Nina. Why didn’t you just
go straight to Helms, DeLay, Santorum? What if I do get
hired? I have to work under a fake name? What about the
paperwork and all that?
(Note: Actors should feel free
to insert the names of whoever
are the most prominent
conservatives in the news)

NINA
(Wringing hands)
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe we can say I got the resumes mixed up
or something and you, you were too embarrassed to correct me.

TED
This is unbelievable. (beat) At the same time, it’s good to
see you. I think. I like that dress.
 Miraculosity 17.

NINA
(Flattered)
It’s a skirt and top, Ted. But thank you. I’m ... pleased to
see you as well.

TED
But OK, name thing aside: Tell me about this prayer database.

NINA
It’s going to sound a little weird ...

TED
I doubt it. I think I’m ready for anything now.

NINA
Well, as you said, there’s no way any one person, or even a
bunch of people, can keep up with that many prayers. We even
get them in snail mail and on the phone, and those are typed
into the database. We just can’t respond to them all in a
timely manner.

TED
But how do you respond to them at all? Do they just get an
auto-response or something: “Dear So-and-So: The Lord has
received your prayer. Look for a miracle in the next 48
hours.”

NINA
Don’t mock.

TED
Sorry. I just don’t understand how this works.

NINA
OK, we sort.

TED
Sort?

NINA
Yes. Prayers come in pretty much only a handful of
categories: Health, financial, hopes for children and other
family members. That’s the first sort, actually: whether the
prayer is for the person praying or someone else.

TED
OK. Makes sense.

NINA
So now, we have, um, set responses for particular types of
prayers. If it’s a health prayer for another family member,
for example, there’s a letter that goes out to that effect.
So people get that personal touch.
 Miraculosity 18.

TED
That’s ... unbelievable.

NINA
(Forging on)
And if it’s a financial prayer for the person sending the
prayer, then a letter goes out to them saying the Reverend is
praying for them to make more money. Although it’s more
delicately phrased than that.

TED
And you’re OK with this?

NINA
It makes people feel better, there’s no doubt about it. And
the power of prayer is very strong, especially when the
Reverend combines them all and has the congregation pray
together.

TED
But they can’t possibly address all of these prayers on an
individual basis, Nina. You’re sending out form letters that
could, they could apply to anyone.

NINA
And that’s where YOU come in.

TED
Go on.

NINA
Well, the Reverend wants things more specific. And I was
thinking, that if we could design a software program that
essentially does a better sort, we could generate better
responses. It’d be more of an accurate prayer, in other
words, if we can group them more, more categorically. ‘Dear
So-and-So, sorry to hear about your sister-in-law’s cancer,
we’re praying for you, blah, blah, blah.’

TED
So ... in addition to a more personalized response letter,
you can say, OK, we’ve got 3,941 people with cancer, so we
can do a specific prayer for that on the show, and the folks
at home will feel like they’re being taken care of
personally,from the prayer they sent in.

NINA
Ding! Exactly!

TED
That’s easy.
 Miraculosity 19.

NINA
It is?

TED
Sleazy, but easy.
(Bolton re-enters)

BOLTON
Sorry about that. Well, have we an understanding?

TED
Yes, I think I get it, Reverend. But ...
(He and Nina exchange looks;
hers says ‘no!’)
I wonder if you could describe the morality behind this.

BOLTON
(Settling again at his desk)
Ah, morality! Faith and morality -- that’s what this is all
about, isn’t it?

TED
You could say that.

BOLTON
In two sentences, describe your hesitation, Mr. Bush.

TED
I can do this pretty easily, from a technical standpoint. But
I don’t want to be part of any bullshit, snake-oil salesman
deception in the name of religion so you can line your
pockets.

BOLTON
(Laughing loudly)
Excellent! And do you know something? Neither do I.
(Turns to Nina)
Nina, this is exactly the kind of thinking we need to dispel.
If this is what all the Ted Bushes of the world are out there
thinking, we’ll never reach The Goal.

NINA
Yes, Reverend.

BOLTON
And have you checked out this man’s references, his
qualifications?

NINA
Not yet.
 Miraculosity 20.

BOLTON
Well why don’t you go ask HR to look into it, because I’m
inclined to hire him on the spot. If for no other reason than
the ability to spout brutal truths. He knows a thing or two
about computers, so much the better.

NINA
(Casting a wary look at Ted)
I’ll get on it. Reverend, Ted ...
(Exits)

BOLTON
Well, Mr. Bush ...

TED
Weinstein. It’s Ted Weinstein. I’m sorry, I used Bush to get
in the door. Since I’m spouting brutal truths.

BOLTON
Really? A Jew?

TED
A non-believer Jew.

BOLTON
Good lord. I should throw you out on your ear right now, but
do you know what?

TED
What?

BOLTON
I understand why you ... stretched the truth about your name.

TED
You do?

BOLTON
Yes. It goes right to the heart of your misconceptions about
me, about the ministry, about conservative Christians in
general. You think we’re narrow-minded, judgmental,
xenophobic, even anti-Semitic.

TED
Well, yes. I’m from Manhattan, you know.

BOLTON
(Laughs)
The clouds part! The sun shines through! Learning and
understanding and communication can now proceed! I’m sitting
here with a lying, atheist Jew, whose probably only real
reason for being here is that he wants to boff my PR gal, and
I’m about to hire him anyway. And do you know why?
 Miraculosity 21.

TED
I’m at a loss, Reverend.

BOLTON
(Shrugs)
I don’t either. But sometimes it works out to hire people
outside the fold, as it were. Objectivity can be as important
as faith when it comes to running these things. We pulled in
$7 million last year, you know. Aiming to double that this
year. I want to build one of those stadium-sized churches,
get on the cover of Newsweek. Nina is part of that, but now,
so are you.

TED
But you haven’t addressed my concerns yet.

BOLTON
OK, one concern must be money. How does a hundred grand to
start sound?

TED
(Quite pleased)
That’s acceptable.

BOLTON
Good. Now on the morality, here it is: Ted, I believe God is
a very real and omnipresent force in our lives, and so do
many other people -- about 93 percent of Americans, in the
last Harris poll I saw. I also believe that many, many of
these believers live what seems to them to be wretched,
meaningless lives whose only solace is the God of whom I
speak.
(He stands, start pacing,
preaching)
Sure, I want money and success like any other man, but I am
also a spiritual leader with a genuine desire to help people.
But they don’t come out to the churches as they used to, Ted.
There’s so much other noise in their lives: the television,
the radio, the internet, cell phones, you name it. God, and
that message that he cares about them, gets lost in the
shuffle. Who wants to get up on a Sunday morning and go to
church when they can play XBox, or surf the internet for
porn?

TED
I hear that!
(Off Bolton’s look)
About the X-Box, that is.

BOLTON
My mission, the mission of AC-VC, Ted, is to cut through all
that noise, all that chatter.
 Miraculosity 22.

And the way I’ve identified to do that is to reach people on

an individual basis, touch them personally, right where it
hurts. But the numbers involved make it impractical for me to
do it by myself. Yes, we will use modern technology to reach
them, but the message itself is the same: God loves you! And
if you continue to believe in him, you’ll be OK. Maybe not
even in this life, but the next. You see, Ted, to a
Christian, there’s always a second chance. And your job will
be to help me reinforce that message to the people who need
it.
(He stands over Ted, puts a
hand on his shoulder and looks
heavenward)
Oh Lord, please let this non-believing man help me be your
instrument of love here on Earth! Let him believe in his
purpose enough to make a difference, and forgive him his lack
of faith. He may come to you yet, but for now his purpose has
a very human basis. Please understand this. Amen.

TED
Please don’t do that ever again. You’ll never convert me.

BOLTON
I know.

TED
You know, how?

BOLTON
I just know. I’ve been doing this a while. Think of a skilled
car mechanic: He’s seen so many, he can size them up when
they come in the door. From my point of view, you’re a pretty
sharp Mercedes or Porsche, but you’ve got two bent valves and
a connecting rod that’s pierced your crankcase. You, son,
will never drive to the kingdom of heaven.

TED
That’s fine. I don’t want to go to the North Pole or
Neverland, either.

BOLTON
(Igorning that comment)
But that doesn’t mean you can’t help others get there. I’ll
pay you the salary I mentioned, plus benefits and bonuses for
performance. What say you?
(Nina reappears)
Nina! I think we have an understanding here. Mr. Weinstein is
on board and will start immediately.

TED
I ...
 Miraculosity 23.

NINA
Oh, that’s wonderful! His references checked out and
everything.

BOLTON
Good! Find him an office, he can probably use the one the
unfortunate Mr. Green had. Get him whatever computer and
software gobbledygook he needs and Ted?

TED
Yes?

BOLTON
Keep the non-believer stuff between the three of us, would
you? My people are lambs who would see you as a wolf, even if
I know better.

TED
Sure. I mean, it’s not like I wear ‘God is Dead’ T-shirts or
anything.

BOLTON
Excellent. Jews they can handle, but atheists? Good god!
(he shudders, checks his watch)
I’ve got another meeting. Progress report in a week?

TED
Sounds good.
(Bolton leaves; Nina and Ted
sigh in relief)

NINA
How did you do that?

TED
I didn’t do anything. He just took off, like a rocket. Said
all kinds of stuff about God and how I was an instrument to
reach the people or something and that it didn’t matter what
I did or didn’t believe. He trusts me, for some reason.

NINA
Did he ... does he know that I made up the Bush thing?

TED
No. I told him it was my idea.
(She hugs him, looks him in the
eye but the kiss hanging in
the air doesn’t materialize.
She spins away)

NINA
Oh, Ted! That was very noble of you. Very Christian, I might
add.
 Miraculosity 24.

TED
You know, Nina, you don’t have to believe in Jesus to be a
decent person.

NINA
No, I suppose not. I haven’t known many people ... like you.
I just assumed you were all rather bad.

TED
Going to hell and all that?

NINA
Yes. It makes me sad to know that.

TED
Know what?

NINA
That you’re going to hell. It’s bound to be awful.

TED
You really believe that?

NINA
Of course I do. If you don’t accept Jesus, it’s off to hell
with you. That’s how it works.

TED
(Shaking his head)
Nina, I know that sounds totally normal and plausible to you,
but you have to understand that the concept of hell is just
complete fantasy to me. I can’t believe anyone believes that.

NINA
Well ... well

TED
I’m sorry. I guess if I’m going to work here I’ll just have
to swallow all this, reserve judgment, keep my mouth shut.

NINA
Probably not a bad idea. Still, I’d love to see you saved.

TED
Why? What difference would it make to you?

NINA
I like you, for one. If you’re going to be my (beat) co-
worker, I’d like to know we’ll be in heaven together some
day.
 Miraculosity 25.

TED
(Disappointed)
Co-worker, eh? OK. But what would we do in heaven? Do you
just float around? Can I get a sax instead of a harp? Do you
have to pee, in heaven?

NINA
(Laughing)
Of course not, silly! I think all those bodily functions are
just gone in heaven. Just think, no more periods.

TED
That would be nice. For girls. I wonder if hangovers go by
the board as well.

NINA
Ted!

TED
Sorry!

NINA
But heaven is just this wonderful place where you life is
just where you want it to be, and you’re surrounded by all
the people you love most.

TED
That sounds nice enough. But what happens after all the
loving and oohing and aahing is over, a few centuries have
past and you’re sick to death of playing shuffleboard or
canasta or whatever? What do you do to occupy your time?

NINA
There is no time. It’s heaven.

TED
And what if the person you love most isn’t with you, because
he’s an atheist burning in hell? How is your heavenly life
complete then?

NINA
That, Mr. Bush, is a good question. Maybe one for the
reverend.

TED
Please don’t ever call me that again. Show me this office,
and tell me why Mr. Green was so ‘unfortunate.’

NINA
Sure, c’mon.
(They exit)
 Miraculosity 26.

ACT I
Scene IV
With Mudd in the park again

MUDD
Well, it’s not like you didn’t know who they are going in.

TED
I know, Mudd, but the weird thing is they were starting to
make sense. In a sort of mercenary, evangelical way.

MUDD
You drank the Kool-Aid, man. This Nina must be a bombshell.
Either that or a hundred grand is enough to change your
religion.

TED
I’m not changing my religion! I don’t have any religion,
goddamnit! Stop putting words in mouth. Yes, I need a job.
Yes, a girlfriend would be nice. Yes, Nina is ... but I don’t
even know if that’s an option now, now that we’re co-workers.
There are probably policies.

MUDD
There’s always policies. But believe me, if people are going
to do the nasty in the copy room, they’re not going to
consult the employee handbook.

TED
The thing is, I’m intrigued by it, the project. I think I’ve
got a solution. It’s the kind of thing that’ll be relatively
easy and make me look like a hero.

MUDD
Copier room, here we come!

TED
Oh shut up. Here’s the deal: Setting up a bunch of keywords
is simple enough, then I just write some routine for
identifying them and moving them into folders grouped by
those words.

MUDD
(sing-song)
You’re gonna burn in hell ...

TED
But then I need some other routines to combine the needs with
the desired prayers, plus another level to predicate some
kind of path, an outcome.

MUDD
Hello ma’am, Ted Weinstein here to answer your prayers.
Hallelujah. Now let’s get those knickers off...
 Miraculosity 27.

TED
Then I’ll need a bunch of bullshit from Bolton to create
responses. I can have him break down prayer answers into
chunks that can be parsed through sub-routines and ...

MUDD
Man, I thought I was cynical about religion. You’re actually
breaking into the system, tossing a monkey wrench in the
works.

TED
And then I can ... what? I’m not ‘breaking into the system.’

MUDD
Sure you are.

TED
No, man, I’m just ... helping the shepherd steer some lambs
with a new technology ... a new radio collar.

MUDD
Sure.

TED
That didn’t come out right. OK: I’m a mechanic, putting a new
engine in the preacher’s car so he can get to church.

MUDD
Man. I’m glad I work at Toyota. The biggest ethical problem I
have is trying to stop making fun of how they pronounce their
‘R’s.

TED
I don’t have an ethical problem, what are you talking about?
People want this stuff, and they’re going to get it from
somewhere. This thing could be huge, and I don’t just mean
for AC-VC. This could be used in lots of other applications
where personalization is needed.

MUDD
Yeah, except it’s not personalization. It’s bullshit. It’s,
it’s mean, telling these people their prayers are answered
but really it’s some software program invented by a horny Jew
from Westchester.

TED
C’mon, where’s the love? You’re supposed to be supporting me.

MUDD
I’ll support chasing Nina, not the other stuff.

TED
Fine.
 Miraculosity 28.

MUDD
So bottom-line me: Even if you get past the policy book, is
she one of these ‘no-sex-til-I’m-married’ types?

TED
I have no idea. Probably. Hell, I’d be happy just to hold her
hand, to kiss her.

MUDD
Man, you’ve got it bad.

TED
I do. I do. It’s hard not to think I’m making a terrible
mistake.
Act I
Scene V
TED and NINA are in the AC-VC conference room again. TED is
showing some kind of diagram on a white board.

TED
(Drawing)
...and so the response tree I created has, I dunno, about
three dozen different branches, and from there, sub-routines
split them down even farther -- into twigs or leaves, if you
will.

NINA
It looks lovely! And it would be super-neat if we can do that
text-messaging thing as well. If the responses generated
through that medium could then be auto-delivered in the same
fashion.

TED
(Laughs)
God you’re a nerd! I love it. You shall have your text-
messaging module, my dear. And you can tell Reverend
Brimstone that, so far as I can tell, it’s working. The first
responses went out this very morning.
(NINA is looking at TED with something like reverence. He
blushes and looks away)

NINA
Oh, he will be so happy! But is something wrong?

TED
(Looking at his chart, not at
her)
No, no, everything’s fine. Better than fine. I think this is
actually the best work I’ve ever done. I’m still not entirely
sure it’s completely kosher, but ... Who knows, maybe it’s no
different than if we wrote them by hand. Just faster. And
after all, your god has the final say, right? We’re just
tools, messengers maybe.
 Miraculosity 29.

NINA
Yes. That’s a good way to look it.

TED
But there is one thing. It’s hard to say but I think I have
to. It has to do with, with working together. Working with
you.

NINA
What is it, Ted? Am I interrupting? Annoying you or
something? I’m so sorry if I am!

TED
No! Good god, no. You’re brilliant, Nina. I mean, some of
your ideas, you come up with stuff that’s so logical, but
from an emotional angle that I can’t think of. Do you have
any idea how much of you is in Prayer Base One-Point-O? And
you inspire me, convince me what we’re doing is OK, mostly.
But ... I can’t stand working with you.

NINA
But why?!

TED
Don’t you know?

NINA
(Thinks a moment)
Yes, of course I do. You ... hate god. And I love him, and it
makes you crazy because you don’t understand and ...

TED
No! Jeez, Nina, that’s not it! Yes, we have big differences
on the religion thing, but it’s ... that’s the kind of thing
I can live with, like if you were a Red Sox fan or a
Republican or something. I mean, it’d be hard, but doable.

NINA
Well, I don’t know about baseball, but I think the
Republicans are perfectly awful, for the most part. Wrecking
the environment, wars all over the place, deficit spending as
far as the eye can see. Think of the poor children.

TED
I know, and that’s what I love about you!

NINA
That I’m a Democrat?

TED
No! That you don’t just follow. So many people on the
religious right, it’s like a big friggin’ herd, everyone
toeing the line, not thinking for their own.
 Miraculosity 30.

But you, you follow your heart and you have your faith on
your own terms, even within the ministry. It’s amazing,
really. You’re an incredible woman, Nina.

NINA
Thank you.

TED
And I, I have to say ...
(BOLTON enters, excited, waving
several pieces of paper)

BOLTON
There you two are! The Lord has, he has spoken through our
church! He has spoken!

NINA
What? What is it Reverend?

BOLTON
Look at this!
(NINA and TED look at the
paper)

NINA
(Reading)
‘Dear Reverend Bolton. Hallelujah! We just got your message
back today in the e-mail and our prayers have been answered!
When the Powerball lottery results were read, we matched four
numbers and won $847,000! Which is $637,000 after taxes.
Hallelujah! Now I can get my sciatica surgery and Ben can get
his bass boat.
(NINA and TED exchange glances)
So thank you, Jesus, and thank you, Reverend Bolton for re-
firming our faith to believe it could happen! God bless you.
As soon as we get the money, we plan to tithe 10 percent to
your ministry. Dora and Ben Apple, Birmingham.

BOLTON
Isn’t that marvelous! See! There’s more, too.
(Shuffling through more pages)
This fellow’s gout stopped hurting within half an hour after
he received our e-mail, and this woman, who thought she was
barren, poor lamb, read my message of hope, did another
pregnancy test and discovered she was in the family way!
(BOLTON gives TED a big HUG)
Ted, my boy, we have hit a home run! With the Lord’s help, of
course.

TED
But .. How is that possible?
(NINA and BOLTON exchange
glances)
 Miraculosity 31.

BOLTON
It’s the great lord above, Ted! For whatever reason, he has
chosen YOU as the instrument of his almighty healing hand.

TED
Oh, come on. Why the hell would he pick me? What am I talking
about? There is no ‘he’ to even pick!

NINA
(grabbing his shoulders, eye to
eye)
But Ted, there is. Doesn’t this make you wonder ... just a
teeny little bit?

TED
Doesn’t the notion of a funny set of coincidences mean
anything to you people?

BOLTON
Coincidence is the hallmark of the Lord.

TED
Jesus Christ.

BOLTON
That’s right, son. Jesus Christ.
(smacks him in chest)
Working through you.
(thinks better of it)
With a healthy dose of inspiration from AC-VC and believers
like me and Nina here.

NINA
That’s right. Even if you don’t believe, Ted, we do. And we
believe in you.

BOLTON
Nina, this calls for a press release. Make it two press
releases. See if any of these people will speak on the
record. Let’s make a splash. I’m going to make some calls.
(waves papers)
This stuff, it’s like money in the bank!
(exits)

TED
Charming. Just when you think the guy might sprout a halo, he
pulls out the calculator.

NINA
Oh, Ted. He’s just excited. And it takes money to run this
place, to get the word out.
 Miraculosity 32.

TED
So, what we were talking about before ... it’s exciting.

NINA
Yes, it is!

TED
I mean, there would be some complications, with us working
together and stuff. But if you’d like to give it a try ...

NINA
(speechless for a moment)
Ted, how can you even think about that at a time like this?!
This is the culmination of months of work, not to mention a
true sign from God that we’re doing the right thing here.

TED
(stunned)
Whatever.

NINA
(now angry)
No, not whatever, Ted. I understand that you’re not a
believer, but don’t try to bring me down as well. This is
real, happening now. How can you be so blind to it? I mean,
this is the confirmation of faith, right in front of us, and
who knows how many more there will be?

TED
It’ll take a lot more than a few letters describing
coincidences to convince me that ‘the lord’ is working
through me or my software.

NINA
Now you’re mocking.

TED
Sorry. But it’s not just my lack of belief, Nina. It amazes
me that a woman of your experience and intelligence could ...

NINA
(darkening)
Could what?

TED
Never mind.

NINA
Could believe in a bunch of nonsense about supreme beings?
Believe that God walked this earth and died for our sins?
Believe that there’s something bigger than us who created us,
who helps sort all of this crazy stuff out?
 Miraculosity 33.

TED
Yeah, that. It’s so ... Santa Claus.

NINA
Is that really what you think? That me and Reverend Bolton
and millions of Christians around the world are like little
kids, hanging our faith, basing our entire lives on a
fictional character in the hopes he’ll bring us presents?

TED
Pretty much. But hey, eternal life, that’s a big present.

NINA
You’re just ... sad, Ted. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine going
through life like that, just you and nothing above to put
things in your life into any context, give you any meaning.
(moves to door)
In answer to your question, I don’t think I could ever be
with a man who not only travels through this world so alone,
but who mocks those who reach out for something bigger.
(exits)

TED
(stands for a moment looking at
the door)
So I guess sex is out of the question then, eh?
(goes to his laptop, typing)
“What if, by Ted Weinstein. What if there really is a god,
who created us, who looks over our every move, reaches out to
us when we need help, ushers us from death into a new life of
everlasting peace? What if this god had supernatural powers
and omnipotence, the ability to wave his or her hand to make
things better, cure acne and AIDS, pad our bank account and
rescue people trapped in mines? What if this god existed and
he only did some of that stuff some of the time? Baby dies
here, baby is saved over there; one person descends into
heroin-fueled hell, another person wins the lottery. How
could a loving creator be so goddamned fickle? What if this
god were so shy that he keeps his true face hidden, forcing
people to make a choice about his existence based solely on
faith? Why would he do that? I don’t know, doesn’t make
sense. If I were a god, I’d make occasional appearances, like
at the Meadowlands or Hollywood Bowl. Just to remind people:
I’m here, I’m watching, any requests? What if I were this shy
god, would I work my mojo through some putz, some Jew atheist
dork who writes software and chases after impossible women?
No, I would not. But then, I’m not a god, I don’t work in
mysterious ways. Just want the girl. The woman, excuse me.
(lights down)
 Miraculosity 34.

ACT I

SCENE VI
TED is again in the conference room, working on his laptop.
Several weeks have passed and it’s soon clear from Ted’s
attitude that he’s not happy with how things are going. It’s
also obvious that he’s much prized by Bolton, and he uses
this as an excuse to be insolent. With Nina giving him the
cold shoulder, whether he keeps the job or not is immaterial.
He’s there mostly out of curiosity at this point. BOLTON
ENTERS

BOLTON
Ted, there you are my boy! What are you doing in here? Don’t
you like your office?

TED
(absently)
Sure, it’s fine. But, you know, big thoughts, I need a big
room. Plus there’s that whole thing about the ‘unfortunate
Mr. Green.’ What happened to him, anyway?

BOLTON
I fired him.

TED
Why.

BOLTON
He was gay.

TED
Really?

BOLTON
(Laughing)
No, not really, Ted. I’m just pulling your leg. He was
skimming, if you really need to know.

TED
Skimming? You mean money?

BOLTON
I wasn’t talking about my pool, Ted.
(Has a good laugh at this)
Mr. Green, the skimmer! Ha! You missed a leaf over there,
buster, you’re fired. Ha!

TED
(turning back to his screen)
Yeah, ha.
 Miraculosity 35.

BOLTON
You and Nina still at loggerheads, eh? Well, it happens.
Don’t worry, she’ll come around eventually. Or not.

TED
Thanks for the comfort. Can I call you ‘Dad?’ It’d mean so
much.

BOLTON
(Ignoring this)
I mean, it’s not like a beautiful, bright, successful, devout
Christian girl can live for long without a sarcastic Jewish
atheist in her life, eh? Surely you’re the guy she’s been
waiting for all her life -- someone who’ll convince her all
this religion mumbo-jumbo is a bunch of hooey.

TED
What’s your point?

BOLTON
Listen Ted, I like you ...

TED
Golly, super.

BOLTON
...and I want to help you get in, er, court Nina.

TED
Good god ...

BOLTON
But you’re not going to get very far with a girl like her
unless you show a little faith. Now, I’m not saying you need
to be born again or anything ...

TED
Actually, I think it would be born for the first time, or
however you’d say it.

BOLTON
But it would mean a lot to Nina if you believed something,
anything, Ted. A cosmic consciousness, Mother Earth, the
natural order of the universe, karma, the golden rule ... for
god’s sake, Ted, throw the girl a bone! And if that’s so
hard, then fake it till you make it.

TED
What?

BOLTON
Fake it till you make it.
 Miraculosity 36.

TED
You mean, pretend I believe in something until I actually
believe what I’m pretending to believe?

BOLTON
(sotto voce)
What the hell do you think religion is, Ted? Why do we have
it? Why do we sing psalms and hymns and go to church and pray
and all of that stuff?

TED
Because you’re sadly disillusioned and relying on ancient
mythology to make sense of the world?

BOLTON
(ignoring this)
It’s because we’re not sure, Ted. Yes, we have faith, but
it’s not 100 percent. All of this (gestures around), it’s a
support system for faith. You go through the motions until
that faith is just part of you, and you believe it with 90,
95 percent of your being. That’s as close as anyone can get,
Ted. There will always be some doubt, we’re human, and Jesus
hasn’t shown his face in two millennia. I wish he would: It’d
be like a million Powerballs at once.
(off Ted’s look)
Just kidding.

TED
No you’re not.

BOLTON
Well ... but what I’m saying is this: Nina needs to see a
chink in your armor, some tiny hint that underneath that
tough hide of yours there’s a guy who’s willing to believe
there’s something else to the universe than simply what meets
the eye. I mean, is that so hard to do? For god’s sakes, Ted,
the galaxy we live in is 100 million light years wide, and
it’s just one of billions of galaxies. What the hell is going
on here? Surely there’s more to it than what Ted Weinstein
thinks of it all! Take that, that scrap of otherness, that
question of a bigness beyond what’s in front of your face,
play with it, think about it, and let Nina see a little of
it.

TED
(intrigued)
You think?

BOLTON
Yes!
 Miraculosity 37.

TED
Show a little doubt, have a philosophical discussion or two
about the meaning of life, show here that I’m at least open
to thinking about it. Not cuddling up to the New Testament or
anything ...

BOLTON
Heavens no ...

TED
...but showing some doubt. A different kind of doubt.
Thinking that there might be something more.
(To BOLTON)
But not Jesus or anything.

BOLTON
No, no Jesus. Not yet, anyway. Baby steps, m’boy.

TED
You know this, don’t you, you old dog.

BOLTON
Know what?

TED
How to work the faith thing to get in the pants of nice
Christian girls.
(Bolton shrugs)
What’s your number.

BOLTON
My number?

TED
How many women have you had.

BOLTON
A gentleman does not kiss and tell.

TED
Oh, I think it’s been more than kissing.

BOLTON
(What the hell?)
One hundred and fifty seven.

TED
A hundred and fifty seven! Holy shit!

BOLTON
It’s been a good life. Let me guess yours: Three.
 Miraculosity 38.

TED
Two.

BOLTON
Yeah.

TED
Pathetic, huh?

BOLTON
Some girl in Canada and a friend of your sister’s who got
drunk during a sleepover.

TED
Close. How’d you know about the girl in Canada?

BOLTON
Listen, Ted, here’s the thing: I need you, and I need Nina,
and I can’t have this silent treatment, bad feeling thing
going on during what is our big coming-out party. We’re
making history here, and a boat-load of money, so you need to
clear this crap up and get on board, you savvy? Either do
what you need to do to get the girl or move on and focus on
business.

TED
Or else what?

BOLTON
Or else things won’t go as well. I can’t fire you, you’re too
valuable. But I can double your salary, triple it, quadruple
it, if things go well. In fact, to heck with a salary: I’ll
make you a partner, 70-30. I don’t know what you’re doing or
how it’s working or why the Lord’s paying attention, but he
is working through YOU, my man. But you need ME to put the
preacher’s face on all of this.

TED
50-50.

BOLTON
60-40

TED
Deal. What about Nina?

BOLTON
What about Nina?

NINA
(Entering, excited)
Yes, what about me?
 Miraculosity 39.

TED
Um, well ...

NINA
Never mind that now. Listen: Can you hear it?

BOLTON
Hear what?

NINA
Listen!
(They listen: Slowly, the sound
grows outside the window. It
is the sound of chanting or
singing. As it grows closer,
we recognize it is a song of
praise. Nina holds up a piece
of paper and reads)
“We the people of the Franklin Baptist Church have joined
hands with the Alliance of Christian Faithful to join in a
march of thousands to bear witness to the Prophet Ted of the
American Christian Values Coalition. We believe the Almighty
Lord Jesus Christ is speaking through this prophet in advance
of his return to Earth. Answering the prayers of thousands is
the Lord’s message that hope lives in our hearts, and we
entreat the good, right Reverend Lane Bolton to allow us to
speak to the Prophet Ted. We will encamp ourselves here
outside the offices of AC-VC as if on pilgrimage, awaiting
the word from the Prophet. Amen.”

BOLTON
Good Lord above!

NINA
Yes!

TED
(To BOLTON)
50-50.

BOLTON
Deal.

END OF ACT I
 Miraculosity 40.

ACT II
Three months later
Scene I: With MUDD in the park
MUDD is wearing sweats and holding a football. TED has on
nice clothes, out of place in the park.

MUDD
So, Rich Guy, I’d like to take this opportunity to express my
sincere gratitude that you were able to clear your schedule
up to lower yourself into my sordid presence. Catch!
(He throws the football)

TED
(Dodging the ball)
Oh, no, man. I can’t with this rig on.

MUDD
What the hell are you all dressed up for, anyway? It’s
Sunday.

TED
I’m going to church.

MUDD
(After a shocked pause, throws
up his hands)
Hallelujah! It has happened! The Lord has saves this wretched
Freethinker from the eternal flames of HELL!

TED
Oh shut up. Nina asked me to go.

MUDD
Man oh man ...

TED
I know what you’re thinking, but don’t even start, OK? I’m
not born again or anything crazy.

MUDD
Oh, no, nothing crazy for my friend Ted, the friggin’
prophet.

TED
Their words, not mine.

MUDD
Now you even sound like your stealing quotes from Leviticus
or something.

TED
Listen, just chill, would you? I’m going to one of Bolton’s
sermons just to get the vibe.
 Miraculosity 41.

You work at Toyota moving numbers around, but have you ever
gone down to the factory floor to check it out?

MUDD
Sure.

TED
Same thing.

MUDD
Right.

TED
So ... how are you?

MUDD
Fine. It’s been three weeks, no calls, hardly an e-mail, no
play in the park ...
(Wipes away fake tear)
Man, you don’t bring me flowers anymore!

TED
I’m sorry Mudd. It’s just, there’s a lot going on.

MUDD
And is that an Audi S4 you just pulled up in?

TED
Yeah.

MUDD
Dream come true. How’s it feel?

TED
Hollow. Fake. Stupid.

MUDD
Hmmm...

TED
Listen, Mudd, I know you think I’m drinking the Kool Aid, but
I’m working on a plan to get the hell out of there. The
wheels are going to come off this thing at some point, and I
don’t want to be in the passenger seat when it happens.

MUDD
(As shrink)
That’s good. You have become cognizant of the fact that
morphing into some kind of religious icon isn’t your plate of
gefilte fish. With your super ego coming into play, you can
beat down the id and do the right thing.
(Back to normal)
You’re sounding all sane and shit.
 Miraculosity 42.

TED
Thanks. So here’s the deal: Bolton is a scumbag who’s getting
ready, I think, to clean up and split. All these people think
I’m the answer to their prayers, literally, so Bolton is
thinking he’s maybe not such a big deal anymore. I mean,
Mudd, they come to his sermons, Nina says, and they’re all
busy looking around for me, asking about me. Where’s the
Prophet Ted? They all want to know. Rumors fly around -- this
is a big church, Mudd, like the size of Madison Square Garden
-- so they’ll hear that I’m up in one section or something
and they all start tripping over themselves to get a look.
And so Bolton is up there trying to preach, and it’s like
there’s lingerie models or free beer in the back. If the
money wasn’t rolling in in dump trucks, he’d be pissed. As it
stands now, he just has to deal.

MUDD
And so you’re not in the place?

TED
Are you kidding me? I don’t go near it. Except today, to
check it out.

MUDD
How do the faithful know about the Prophet Ted?

TED
Nina told them. Bolton ... made a mistake. He told her to put
out a press release about me, and then this reporter cornered
me on the phone one day and I just told her the truth.

MUDD
The truth? Sketchy territory for an enterprise like yours.

TED
Yes, well ... she put it all together from the description in
the release about what I did, the crowds at the ministry,
poking around our website. She’s smart, a hotshot from the
Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

MUDD
Hammersmith.

TED
How do you know her name?

MUDD
Hammersmith, the famous evangelist buster? I can’t believe
you don’t know about her. I’d think she’d be like poison to
you, the Toyota Camry to your Ford Taurus.
 Miraculosity 43.

TED
Well, I know all about her now. Nina and Bolton were ready to
string me up after they found out I spoke to her.

MUDD
But the money continues to roll so they laid off.

TED
Pretty much.

MUDD
And you’re going to church today.

TED
Yes.

MUDD
To get a feel for it? Like you can’t see what’s going on by
watching it on TV. I checked it out once, Ted. You could
almost see the dollar signs appearing over Bolton’s head with
each ‘hallelujah.’ They should have slot machines on stage:
say a prayer, pull the handle and bingo! Money money money.

TED
I know. I guess it just shows how desperate people are for
something to hang onto. I mean, they’re practically deifying
ME.

MUDD
But if you’re bailing soon anyway, why bother going to
church?
(Off TED’s silence)
Ahhh ... Nina! You’re, you’re giving her a little something
to make her think you’re not beyond reach, aren’t you?
(TED shrugs)
OK, I see it now.
(Rubs his hands together)
Alright, this is something I can work with. It’s not outright
deceit, right? You’re not going to pretend your born again or
born for the first time or a Jew for Jesus or something?

TED
No. I’m, what I am is this: “Open to possibilities that it’s
a big universe and there’s a lot I can’t see or know about.”

MUDD
Sort of an agnostic ‘what the hey?’ Low commitment lotsa
wiggle room kinda thing.

TED
Exactly.
 Miraculosity 44.

MUDD
A perfectly acceptable ruse de panty in the Book of Mudd.
What’s the response so far?

TED
Highly cautious, vaguely optimistic curiosity accompanied by
a slight thaw in relations.

MUDD
A thaw?

TED
She was pissed at me for sounding all atheistic one day.

MUDD
Imagine that.

TED
So, there’s that. The other part of the equation is, I don’t
want to watch this guy Bolton split with all that money.

MUDD
Sure, you want it for yourself. And Nina, and your children,
and you’re children’s children. Hell, you could fuel entire
generations of Weinsteins on the filthy lucre you rake out of
this deal!

TED
I’m not after the money! Well, maybe some of it. Just my fair
salary, maybe a little bonus. But really what I want is to
expose this guy for the fraud he is.

MUDD
Noble. But will they believe it? It already seems so obvious
to those of us on the outside.

TED
Who knows. But I can try. They may believe this bullshit, but
they probably won’t take kindly to learning just how much of
their donations go to Bolton and not the church.

MUDD
(Thinking aloud)
Slay the dragon, get the girl, ride off into the sunset in
your S4.

TED
Right.

MUDD
Dude, you are living la vida loci! Where do I fit in?
 Miraculosity 45.

TED
I’m not sure yet. Give me a day or two. I’m pretty sure
something is going to come to me. Something ... miraculous.
(Lights down)
 Miraculosity 46.

ACT 1
Scene 2
In the AC-VC conference room. TED and BOLTON enter. Ted is
still in his church-going clothes; Bolton is in his robes.

BOLTON
Well, what did you think, Ted? And I want you tell me the
absolute truth.

TED
(Without hesitation)
I thought it was a stunning example of how to make money by
preying on people’s fears and anxieties by exploiting their
faith.

BOLTON
Really? Nothing else?

TED
(Thinking)
I thought the part about living in the moment and not in the
past was good advice. Can’t fault that.

BOLTON
(Quite serious)
You know, I’ve had men killed for saying less insulting
things.

TED
I’ve no doubt.

BOLTON
(Laughing)
I’m kidding, Ted! Kidding! For God’s sake man, lighten up,
will you? That’s the problem with you atheists, you’re so
friggin’ serious all the time!

TED
Oh, and you god-squadders are such fonts of hilarity.

BOLTON
Well, we may have our grumpy moments, Ted, but for the most
part, life looks a little rosier when you believe in
something more uplifting than Darwin and death.

TED
Why are we here, Lane? It’s Sunday. I want to go home and do
a little light devil-worshipping. Maybe alphabetize my
Stephen Jay Gould collection.

BOLTON
(Laughs)
See? Now that’s funny.
 Miraculosity 47.

TED
Thanks. I’ll be here all week.

BOLTON
Listen, Ted ...
(Looking around)
You don’t have any recording devices on or anything, do you?

TED
No. Just the satellite uplink videocam to the New York Times.

BOLTON
More humor! And outrageous insults right to my face! I can’t
tell you how refreshing it is to have you around. You know,
you remind of -- now don’t take this the wrong way -- you
remind of those court jesters in medieval times. The guys who
were allowed to make fun of the king -- the ONLY guys who
could make fun of the king.

TED
Court jester? Seems appropriate, King Bolton.

BOLTON
I like the sound of that. “King Bolton.” Strong. Ballsy. But
it’d never fly with the flock. It’s too imperial, too high-
falutin’. But all joking aside, it’s serious business when
you go out there. Oh, sure, you can make little jokes, but
when it comes to their souls, people are serious as a heart
attack. They don’t want to play games. They want some kind of
confirmation. You’ve heard the expression ‘ticket to heaven?’
That’s what people want. A, a can of guarantees that doesn’t
have snakes coming out of it. The closer you can get to an
iron-clad promise, the stronger their belief. And it all
shows up in the bottom line.

TED
(Checking his watch)
Lane, my Sunday devil worship? I’ve got fresh chicken blood
sitting out on the counter that’ll go bad if I don’t ...

BOLTON
OK, OK, OK! Here it is, no bullshit, cards right on the
table: We’re in trouble, Ted.

TED
Trouble? Like “17 bazillion dollars a week isn’t enough and
we need 20 bazillion” kind of trouble? Or “the IRS is looking
up our financial skirts” kind of trouble or “the right Rev.
Bolton has knocked-up a young parishioner” kind of trouble or
...

BOLTON
Nina. It’s Nina, Ted. Nina is our trouble. Nina, Nina, Nina.
 Miraculosity 48.

TED
Stop saying that.

BOLTON
Nina is not happy. Nina is skeptical of what we’re doing
here. Nina is ... talking to Hammersmith.

TED
What?!

BOLTON
Wednesday.

TED
How do you know?

BOLTON
(Theatrically, eyes skyward)
Oh, I know. I know all. I see all.

TED
Sure, Lane. Whatever. But assuming you’re right ... why?

BOLTON
She’s suspicious that AC-VC is a house of cards, doomed to
collapse in on itself. She doubts my faith, she thinks you
and I are building a monster.
(Growing hysterical)
She thinks you are a Jew, Ted! A god-hating liberal Yankee
out to destroy the South! Aaagghh!

TED
Are you off your Zoloft, Lane?

BOLTON
(Laughing)
I’m just messing with you. But seriously, Ted, Hammersmith is
coming. Nina wants to do some damage control after she outed
you as the brains behind the answered prayers.

TED
So? That sounds like a good thing.

BOLTON
It is. Or it would be if Nina hadn’t ... given me a teeny
li’l old ultimatum that went like this: Stop funneling money
into a shell company in the Cayman Islands and I’ll take care
of Hammersmith.

TED
Are you funneling money to a shell company in the Cayman
Islands?
 Miraculosity 49.

BOLTON
Of course not!
(Beat)
Well, maybe. Yes, in fact. Of course I am. Crazy not to.

TED
What?!

BOLTON
You think this is going to last forever? Do you really
believe that the software of Ted Friggin’ Weinstein is
channeling the voice and divine will of the Lord?

TED
Of course ... not. But I thought we believed it as a
corporate credo. Like how the SciFi Channel believes in alien
abductions, or Microsoft thinks Windows is better than Mac
OS.

BOLTON
Look, Ted, we’re reaching a crisis point. We need to shore up
our base. If Nina jumps ship, we’re screwed. What we need is
a miracle. Like, a Level 8 miracle.

TED
We haven’t had any of those yet. And those 7’s, I think some
of them are sketchy. Most of them, actually.

BOLTON
(Ignoring him)
A Level 8 miracle would calm Nina down. She’d have her hands
full with the press. It’d be lots of great publicity. A Level
8 miracle, on your wonderful Miraculosity index, Ted, would
smooth the way for us to finish our work here and ... move
on.

TED
Move on?

BOLTON
And the only reasonably solution, unless we want to wait
around for the Second Coming, is to create a miracle. Massage
one into existence. Just a little helper broom sweeping it
into our here-and-now.

TED
That’s so wrong, on like about 15 different levels.

BOLTON
Maybe. But there’s lots of real ones already documented. The
index is full of them. We’re just introducing a, um, a high-
end prototype, like one of those futuristic cars at the auto
show.
 Miraculosity 50.

TED
“Real” is a funny word in this context, Lane. This table is
real, my hand in front of my face is real. But when someone
sends me an e-mail telling me the water pump on their F-150
stopped leaking and it’s a miracle, well ...

BOLTON
And so a Level 8 miracle, that’d be like someone blind
getting back their sight, or a kid with MS or leukemia
suddenly getting well.

TED
I mean “real” is the touch of someone’s hand in yours, or a
big bowl of matzoh-ball soup in front of you. Real is not
some guy in Elko, Nevada telling us he can miraculously get
it on without Viagra because he IM’d you a prayer.
(thinking)
Of course, when it’s accompanied by a check, it does have a
little more street cred.

BOLTON
...or a guy who’s been paralyzed suddenly leaping out of his
wheelchair. That’s what we need, Ted! A guy leaping out of
his wheelchair and dancing across the floor -- right in front
of Nina ... and Hammersmith.

TED
Like either of them would fall for that.

BOLTON
Ah, Ted, leave the belief part to me. You just find me the
miracle boy.

TED
Me?!

BOLTON
Sure. You’re in on this diabolical conspiracy with me.
Because if you’re not ...

TED
I hear a threat coming.

BOLTON
Not a threat, Ted. Reality.

TED
That word again.

BOLTON
And our reality is this: If we get nailed with our hands in
the cookie jar, we’re both in it.
 Miraculosity 51.

I’ve set up an account for you as well, Ted. For you and
Nina. A joint account, actually. You’re the primary.

TED
What?

BOLTON
And so, if the house of cards falls, your fingerprints are
all over the sordid mess as well. Be a shame, really. You
showed such promise, and I think Nina is going to come around
eventually.

TED
Oh, that’s such a bunch of bullshit, Lane. Even if you did
set up some offshore account, the whole idea is that it’s
untouchable to the cops or the feds or whoever over here.

BOLTON
Well, you never know.
(Desperate)
Just find me a fake cripple Ted! Please?

TED
Why can’t you get him yourself?

BOLTON
Oh, right: The Rev. Lane Bolton, walking through Skid Row or
wherever looking for someone to fake a miracle for cash. I’m
sure no one would find out.

TED
You have a point. But forget about it. I wouldn’t help you do
that in a million years, Lane. You Christians, you think
you’re so moral and look at you! You’re exactly the kind of
guy who gives evangelism a bad name. You’re like a stereotype
of yourself. And then you think people who don’t believe are
somehow incapable of having morals. Well let me just tell you
something, Reverend Bolton ...
(A lightbulb appears over his
head)
I’ll do it. Wednesday, did you say?

BOLTON
Uh, yes. You’ll do it?! What about the prating speech on
morality -- don’t you want to finish?

TED
No time, no time. You just get me all the info together on
those offshore accounts, Lane. A Level 8 might buy us a
couple of weeks, not much more. I want to be able to see that
red EXIT sign.

BOLTON
Sure, sure. So how are we going to do this?
 Miraculosity 52.

TED
OK, here’s the way I see it going down ...
(Lights fade)

Act II, Scene 2

Back at the AC-VC conference room. NINA is alone, speaking on
her CELL PHONE to her mother. It is Wednesday.

NINA
No, mom, it’s OK. Really. He’s the real thing. I believe in
him. I know. I know. No, no boyfriends yet. Well, there is
one guy, but he’s impossible. I don’t think he’ll make the
cut.
(Ted enters)
And speak of the devil. Mom, I’ve got to go. Love you. Bye.

TED
You’re talking about me to your mother?

NINA
No, don’t be silly.

TED
I can’t help it. I’m a kooky guy, all the time. Kooky-kooky-
koo!
(She turns away)
But not kooky enough to thaw the cold stone heart of Nina.
Did you get my e-mail?

NINA
Yes.

TED
And?

NINA
And what? And nothing.

TED
Great.

NINA
I’m still mad at you, Ted. And I’m deeply suspicious that
this newfound philosophy of yours is, is a bunch of baloney.

TED
OK.

NINA
What does that mean, OK?
 Miraculosity 53.

TED
It means ‘OK.’ As in, I understand your suspicion but I don’t
have a response.

NINA
No defense? Not even for nodding off during Lane’s sermon
Sunday?

TED
None. I’ve already apologized and explained to you how I
felt. And I read in a book that I should express but not
defend my feelings.

NINA
Really? A book? Well, that could be a sign.

TED
A sign?

NINA
That you’re trying to figure things out, not just be your old
self. It’s a positive step.

TED
Thank you.

NINA
Don’t mention it.

TED
I already did.

NINA
(tiny laugh)
OK then.

TED
So, what’s the drill here? This nurse lady is coming with
some old guy?

NINA
I don’t know if he’s old, but he’s been sick, or crippled,
like he couldn’t walk. And then he sent you an e-mail and got
an Insta-Prayer ... and he’s all better.

TED
(biting his tongue)
Wow.

NINA
Yeah, wow. We’re awash in these people these days, aren’t we?
 Miraculosity 54.

TED
I guess.

NINA
And it still means nothing to you?

TED
I wouldn’t say that. I mean, I’ve thought a lot about it,
trying to process it all in my mind.

NINA
You should try your heart, too.

TED
Yeah, OK. But, so I think about it, and I think, OK,
something is obviously going on here. And my first reaction
is to look at the numbers. We’ve had, to date, 3,456
professed miracles big and small reported to us, all of which
I’ve coded with an assignation as to apparent level of
miraculosity.

NINA
Miraculosity?

TED
Yeah, you like? It’s a scale for assessing these things. A
bunion disappearing is, say, a “one,” whereas someone winning
a bazillion bucks in Powerball or being cured of cancer is a
an “eight” or a “nine.”

NINA
A nine? Why not a ten?

TED
Ten is the Jesus Factor: someone returning from the dead. We
don’t have any of those.

NINA
Oh. Makes sense, in a blasphemous, bean-countery kind of way.

TED
(Going to flip chart with
miraculosity index)
So you can see from here that the low-grade miracles, the one-
to-five range, is the most common. And it turns out, not
surprisingly, that these numbers can be almost exactly
indexed to tithes and donation amounts. A level-three
miracle, for example, equates to an average donation of $459.
A level eight is just over ten grand.

NINA
Wow.
 Miraculosity 55.

TED
(Pleased)
Yeah, wow. You should’ve seen Bolton when I showed him this.
He nearly wet his pants.

NINA
I’ll bet.

TED
And, of course, he expressed an interest, a high degree of
interest, in arriving at ways to stack the deck toward the
higher end of the miraculosity index.

NINA
Oh god.

TED
Which is not surprising: He’s an American entrepreneur
looking to improve on what he’s doing. But as you can see
from this other chart ...
(flips page)
We’ve only had 214 reported events with a miraculosity index
of six or above. Those represent, collectively, about 1.2
million bucks, but that’s nothing compared to all the bunion
disappearances and pets that found their way home. The one-to-
five miracles have netted us over 6 million just in the last
quarter. So I say to Bolton, let’s get more of these --
they’re bank.

NINA
Well, true, but the other ones, the level 7’s and 8’s,
they’re really great for me on the PR side. Oh, god, listen
to me!

TED
You’re going to hell, baby! But you’ll be loaded when you do.

NINA
Don’t even joke about that.

TED
Sorry. But listen, Nina: quantifying this stuff doesn’t
change what we’re doing, what’s going on. The miracles are
still happening, right? We’re just trying to analyze the
data. You guys hired me to do this kind of thing, and if it
looks a little cold, well ...

NINA
Uncle Joe’s bunion is still gone, Fluffy found her way home,
Ma no longer needs that double mastectomy ...
 Miraculosity 56.

TED
Exactly! And, so, all that aside, you were asking about my
‘philosophy,’ so I’m trying to explain it to you, and this is
how I think. But this can’t be all of it, right? If I’m
trying to understand the bigger picture, all these numbers
are the minutiae. So I need to look past them and get back to
my original idea that, yes, something is going on here. The
old, jaded Ted would conclude that the 3,456 miracles
represent only about one half of one percent of the total
number of e-prayers we’ve received, and that it’s pretty
simple to conclude that this is all chance: Get enough people
e-mailing you prayers and even if you have 1 percent of them
seeming to be answered, that’s a lot of people who think
they’re causally tied to AC-VC.

NINA
This is falling somewhat short of an epiphany.

TED
Well, maybe. But the new Ted has another idea: I do believe
in karma and the power of positive thinking, and I’ve also
read studies about the benefits of occupying the mental state
that comes from prayer and meditation.

NINA
Not exactly New Testament, but OK.

TED
And so I am starting to believe that there’s more to
miraculosity than simple chance. There’s power in what we’re
doing, power in what the people praying are doing, and I
think that power is evident in these figures. I just need to
incorporate some of that belief into my heart.

NINA
Hmmm ...

TED
And that can’t be god for me, Nina, but it can be a faith in
something else: positive thinking, the power of hope and
prayer, that kind of stuff. Even fate. Maybe fate can be my
god.

NINA
(consulting her watch)
Where ARE these people?

TED
You don’t sound convinced.
 Miraculosity 57.

NINA
Listen, Ted, I know you’re trying, and all this stuff is
fascinating, but at the end of the day, I’m a Christian and I
believe that the Lord is behind all of this. Not fate or
karma or whatever. It’s not the same thing. You talk about
chance and happenstance but what I’m talking about is divine
guidance -- with a strong element of free will.

TED
Oh.

NINA
And there’s a big difference between believing stuff just
happens and that God is enabling it to happen. And then
there’s the salvation, eternal life.

TED
Yes, the prize for believing. The ultimate pension plan.

NINA
Call it what you want, it’s what we believe. It’s what I
believe.

TED
That ... would be cool.

NINA
What?

TED
To truly believe like that. That there’s someone watching
over you, that you don’t have to be at the end of the road
when you cock your toes.

NINA
Well, yes.

TED
I can see the appeal. I really can. It’s like, you know, when
I was a kid, I used to send away for toys that were from the
back of cereal boxes. A couple of proof-of-purchase things,
maybe a buck or two. My mom would help. And then I’d have to
wait. That’d be like a week or two of active, highly
anticipatory waiting, and then I’d forget about it. And then
the thing would show up, like, weeks, maybe months later, and
it’d be like a miracle.

NINA
Are you mocking again?

TED
No! I’m serious. I’m drawing an experiential analogy I can
relate to.
 Miraculosity 58.

God and eternal life is the plastic toy or decoder ring, and
faith is those proof-of-purchase things I mailed in. But the
other part is religion, which is the reminder that the thing
was in the mail. That was the part I was lacking. That
reminder system. Yeah. Wow. So you’ve got the reminder
system, keeping you from forgetting the prize ...

NINA
I’m not sure whether to smack you or kiss you.

TED
Kiss me.

NINA
Not now.

TED
Does that mean later?

NINA
Listen Ted, I have a big, stupid crush on you but it’s not
... I don’t think it could work.

TED
Sure it could. A crush? Wow. Me too.

NINA
I know, it’s noticeable. I noticed.

TED
That bad, huh?

NINA
That bad.

TED
Well, I must say you’ve done an admirable job of hiding your
crush. Maybe it’s more of a dent, or a crinkle.

NINA
I’m a woman, Ted. I can think things without panting, or
humping a post.

TED
Oh, right.

NINA
And a Christian. And you’re a lapsed Jew atheist heathen
who’s mostly certainly going to hell.

TED
Yeah, bummer.
 Miraculosity 59.

NINA
And while it may be funny or ridiculous to you, it’s serious
business for me. You ... are ... all ... wrong for me. And
yet I have these ... feelings. It makes me crazy. And you
suck, do you know that?

TED
Yeah, yeah I know. If only ...

NINA
Yes, if only. God, it’s like being an alcoholic or something.
I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t resist.

TED
You’ve done a pretty good job so far.

NINA
And so you,you’d just go for it? Even though I’m a bible
thumper, a member of the ‘god squad?’

TED
I figure, y’know, we’ll work it out.

NINA
How? What about when we have kids?

TED
When we have what?

NINA
What will we teach them? How will we raise them?

TED
Just neutral, I guess. Let them decide when they grow up.

NINA
But that doesn’t work for me. They’ve got to be on board with
the Lord from Day One, otherwise, if they die, they’ll go to
hell.

TED
Jesus Christ! Our kids are dying already, burning in hell,
and I haven’t even copped a feel yet.

NINA
(exasperated)
Aaarggh! You are impossible! You can’t even edit yourself,
you just have to say those hurtful things.

TED
I’m sorry. It’s just so, so amazing to me, is all.
(the INTERCOM BUZZES)
Hello? Oh, OK. Send them in, to the conference room.
 Miraculosity 60.

(to NINA)
The wheelchair guy is here.

NINA
Mr. Pasmore, Ted. Not ‘the wheelchair guy.’

TED
Well, I’m going to call him that to his face. Geez, what is
it, ‘criticize everything that comes out of Ted’s mouth day’
or something?

NINA
Might as well be. You’re like a puppy that never got trained,
and you’ve grown into the kind of dog who runs
around,thrusting his nose into people’s crotches and pulling
the roast off the counter.

TED
This crush of yours is looking mighty hypothetical at this
point.

NINA
I never should have mentioned it. Now you’ll be pursuing me
like a Lab with a frisbee.

TED
(Pretending to write on a
clipboard)
Subject exhibits strong tendency to form canine metaphors in
insulting manner.
(To NINA)
I’ll have to check my book to see what that all means.

NINA
I’m sorry. About the dog stuff. It just seemed to fit.

TED
Sure. I’m a guy. It’s what we do. We’re just after one thing,
right? Who cares if you’re baptist, black, Iranian,
Republican, alien, Nazi ... so long as you’ve got two boobs
and a ...

NINA
You’re joking but it’s not too far from the truth. Guys are
dogs and women are, I dunno, cats, cursed with wanting to rub
up against you.

TED
I’m glad you shun stereotypes, Nina.
(Miss Duff enters pushing MUDD
as Mr. Pasmore in a
wheelchair. He is in a crazy
‘old man’ wig and bad nylon
slacks and Hawaiian shirt)
 Miraculosity 61.

NINA
(Morphing into PR super woman)
Hello!
(Shaking Pasmore’s hand)
You must be Mr. Pasmore! And Miss Duff, I presume? How ARE
you?
(Shakes her hand)
This is Ted ...
(More hand shaking all around)
Welcome, welcome, welcome.

MISS DUFF
Thank you.
(Pasmore bounds out of his
chair and cuts a few waltz
steps)

PASMORE
Lookee! I could have danced all night, I could have danced
all night!
(Slams into wall, falls down)
Oh Lord! I am slain!
(They help him to his feet; he
collapses)
My legs! It’s a friggin’ miracle, and then it’s not such a
friggin’ miracle! Saint Ted, anoint me with your healing
balm!

TED
It’s prophet, not saint.
(Nina shoots him a look)
I mean,that’s what they say. Not what I say. Whatever.

PASMORE
(back in his chair, eyeing
Nina)
Hey, pretty lady! I bet YOU could cure me no prob!
(Looks around)
Now where’s that wacko preacher dude? I want to meet him.
(To DUFF)
You said I’d get to meet the blowhard!

NINA
If you’re referring to Rev. Bolton, he’ll be along in a
minute.
(BOLTON ENTERS)

BOLTON
Sooner than that! Behold, the Blowhard!
 Miraculosity 62.

MISS DUFF
Oh, Reverend Bolton! I am so sorry about Mr. Pasmore. You did
say to have him off his medicine for our meeting, so he’s a
little loopy.
(To Pasmore)
Now you behave, Mr. Pasmore!

BOLTON
No worries, my dear Miss Duff. Yes, we need a pure spirit
before us, without the cloud of pharmaceuticals getting in
the way. Only then can the real work begin.

HAMMERSMITH
(Entering)
I didn’t know you did ‘real work,’ Bolton.
Hammersmith is an unsmiling woman dressed in drab clothes to
match her equally drab appearance. Somewhat androgynous
looking, she gives off the sense that the only thing that
really matters to her is her work. She has a strong Southern
accent but is sharp as a tack in sort of a dumb Columbo way.

BOLTON
Ah, look who’s here everyone! It’s Hammersmith, the Sword of
Truth!

HAMMERSMITH
And hammer of justice.

NINA
Miss Hammersmith! Thank you so much for coming. Coffee?

HAMMERSMITH
No.

NINA
Tea? Water?

HAMMERSMITH
No. Back off, Barbie.

NINA
(Stung)
I’m Nina. AC-VC’s communications director.

HAMMERSMITH
Oh, the flack. Sorry. I thought you were one of Bolton’s
bimbos.

TED
No, we keep them in the closet when the media is around.
 Miraculosity 63.

HAMMERSMITH
(Eyeing him)
Ah ... you must be the Jew? Interesting. Jews are funny, I
hear. Say something funny, Jew.

TED
Does that accent come with a free pickup truck? Where’s yer
banjo? How’r things at the meth lab?
(Blank look from Hammersmith;
she turns to Pasmore)

HAMMERSMITH
And this here must be miracle boy.
(What the hell?)
Say somethin’ amazin’ miracle boy.

PASMORE
Are those tits or just bra’d-up fat?

BOLTON
(To Hammersmith)
Well, you asked for it.

HAMMERSMITH
I guess I did.
(Waving her hand near Bolton)
Hoo-wee! Why’nt you put on some more cologne, Bolton? I can
still breathe outta half-a one lung.

NINA
(Damage-control mode)
Listen everybody, we’re busy people so why don’t we get right
down to it? If everyone would like to have a seat ...

HAMMERSMITH
I’ll stand.

NINA
...or a nice place to stand, we can begin.

HAMMERSMITH
On yer mark, get set, miracle!

TED
How’d you guess? Nina, where’s the starting pistol?

NINA
(Ignoring this)
So, this is Mr. Pasmore and his caretaker, Miss Duff.

HAMMERSMITH
(Taking notes)
Duff and Pasmore. Love it.
 Miraculosity 64.

NINA
Now Mr. Pasmore has been unable to walk for about 10 years,
following an auto accident.

MISS DUFF
But he has occasional happy episodes.

HAMMERSMITH
‘Happy episodes?’

MISS DUFF
He becomes euphoric, depending on his meds. He’ll jump out of
his chair and fall down.

HAMMERSMITH
I didn’t think you could jump if yer legs don’ work.

MISS DUFF
No, well, it’s more of an arm thing.

HAMMERSMITH
(Writing)
‘An arm thing.’ OK. So, Bolton, what’s on the miracle menu
for today? We gonna get Mr. Pasmore here doin’ a little break
dancin’ or what?

BOLTON
(Unflappable, moving to
Pasmore)
I believe that Mr. Pasmore has the physical capacity to walk,
despite what his doctors say. What he lacks is the will, the
belief that he can walk. When he sent us his prayers and got
our response, that little bit of faith and encouragement from
the American Christian Values Coalition was enough to get him
across the room -- isn’t that right, Miss Duff.

MISS DUFF
That’s right. It was like ...

HAMMERSMITH
A miracle?

MISS DUFF
Yes!

BOLTON
So now what we want to do is summon up a bit more heavenly
inspiration for Mr. Pasmore, to push him past that point and
into his new life, his next life, as a walking man.

HAMMERSMITH
Hallelujah.
 Miraculosity 65.

PASMORE
I am ready, Reverend! Heal me with your soothin’ balm o’
Gilead! Oh lord, take me take me take me into yer ever-lovin’
arms an ...

BOLTON
MR. PASMORE! Let the good reverend do the praying here for a
moment, if you will.

HAMMERSMITH
(Really enjoying this)
Yeah, dummy, shut up. You ain’t qualified. Leave the prayin’
to the pro-fessional.

BOLTON
(Hands over Pasmore’s head)
Let us pray.
(All but Hammersmith bow heads)
Oh Lord, consider our brother David ...

PASMORE
It’s Gerald!

BOLTON
...our brother Gerald, whom you have, in your mercy, allowed
to live after his accident, but whom can no longer walk. Our
brother Gerald’s body knows how to walk, O Lord, but it plain
forgot. Help us remind his body, recall it to his duty ...
(While Bolton speaks and all
eyes are on him, Pasmore
slowly rises from his chair
and stands tentatively, like a
monkey on a surfboard)
Hear our prayer, Sweet Jesus, and let this man join the
family of bipeds into which he was born. Rise!
(Turning to Pasmore, they all
see he has already arisen)

HAMMERSMITH
Hoo-lawsy! Wouldja look at that! Amen and hallelujah.

BOLTON
It is truly a miracle.
(With a wide grin, Pasmore does
a little soft shoe)

HAMMERSMITH
Good grief, Bolton, is that all you’ve got?

BOLTON
What?!
 Miraculosity 66.

HAMMERSMITH
This old thing, it’s like ‘evangelism 101’ gettin’ some fool
who can’t walk to walk.
(Gesturing to Pasmore)
This fella, you probably scared him up out of a homeless
shelter, paid him 50 bucks to do his schtick.

BOLTON
Well, Ms. Hammersmith, we believe what we want to believe.
Look at Nina here, you can see the Lord’s work has affected
her greatly.
(Nina is indeed crying, staring
amazed at Pasmore)

NINA
Excuse me! It’s just so, so touching. This poor man, I can’t
imagine what that must feel like.
(Pasmore sits heavily in his
wheelchair)

PASMORE
Holy mother of god, lady, it feels like Christmas, birthday,
Chanukah, Easter and the Fourth of July all wrapped up in
one.

NINA
Yes! Because you can walk!

PASMORE
That, and I can feel my pecker again. Is there a bathroom
around here? Something I want to try ...

MISS DUFF
We’ll be right back!
(She wheels Pasmore out the
door)

HAMMERSMITH
Well. Well, well.

BOLTON
Well well, indeed.

NINA
(Wiping her eyes etc.)
Well ...
(To Hammersmith)
How about a tour?

HAMMERSMITH
What the hell? Sure, get me outta here. Is there a gift shop?
I was hoping to buy some bullshit repellent.
 Miraculosity 67.

NINA
Well, no, but there might be some mints, or gum or ...
(They EXIT)

BOLTON
Well?

TED
Why is everyone saying ‘well?’

BOLTON
What did you think?

TED
What did I think of what? My friend Mudd’s ridiculous
performance, Nina’s response which I find impossible to
comprehend, or this Hammersmith person, who will probably
skewer us in her article.

BOLTON
Her?

TED
Whatever.

BOLTON
Listen, Ted, she wouldn’t believe what she saw no matter what
we showed her. But it’ll still be ink, right? And what you
saw with Nina, good god, Ted: Don’t you recognize faith when
you see it?

TED
Well ... Crap, now I’m saying it! Listen, Bolton, what I saw
with Nina was a good, smart woman being emotionally
manipulated by a charlatan. And geez, if you can do that to
someone like Nina ...

BOLTON
Yes. Amazing, isn’t it? Hold on a sec. I’ve got to get some,
um, revival currency for our friends here. Be right back.
(EXITS)

TED
(Crossing to the miraculosity
index flip chart)
Well, Mudd, I think you managed to break my index.
(He crosses it out with a
marker)
There’s no algorithm for complete and utter fraud. Although,
if I had to guess, it would skew the numbers upward. At least
temporarily.
(Sits at LAPTOP)
(Typing)
 Miraculosity 68.

Dear Mom: You’d be so proud. Today, I engaged in,

participated in the kind of activity I used to simply snicker
at when I came across it on late-night cable. It was like
something out of a Mark Twain novel. Tomorrow, I hope to top
it by rigging the stock market and cheating old ladies out of
their retirement funds. Well, that’s me. How are things with
you and Dad in Scarsdale?
(LIGHTS DIM)

ACT II, SCENE 3

Only a few moments later. Ted is still at his laptop, staring
blankly at the screen or maybe up at the ceiling. NINA
enters.

NINA
Hey. Whatcha doin’?

TED
Contemplating this ceiling. Have you ever truly studied an
emergency sprinkler system head? That thing, it just sits up
there year after year after year, and most likely it’ll
never, ever get to squirt water, which is the only thing it’s
designed to do. Seems kinda sad, bit of a waste, don’t you
think?

NINA
Ted?

TED
Nina?

NINA
What’s wrong?

TED
Nothing. It’s just ... Where’s Hammersmith?

NINA
The potty.

TED
Really? Which one?

NINA
Ted ...

TED
Sorry.

NINA
So, you’re not happy. Talk.
 Miraculosity 69.

TED
Something about the feeling of having just dog-paddled
through raw sewage, I dunno ... makes me fell all icky.

NINA
What? What are you talking about? Listen, Ted, if this is
about not believing what that poor man was going through ...

TED
(Jumping up, crossing to NINA)
Forget about that for a minute. I have an idea, a crazy idea
and I need you to trust me. Do you trust me, Nina?

NINA
(Hesitates slightly)
Yes.

TED
Good. Not a ringing endorsement, but it’ll have to do. What I
want you to do is hide in the closet, and don’t ask
questions.

NINA
What?! Why?

TED
That’s a question. Now in the closet with you.

NINA
Ted!

TED
(Hustling her toward closet)
You need to hear something with your own ears, OK? Just ...
trust me.

NINA
(As door closes)
This better be good! You owe me dinner or something!

TED
Dinner, yes, love to!
(Impulsively, he kisses her on
the lips. She kisses back.)
Now shut ... be quiet. Someone’s coming.
(She will pop her head out of
the cracked door in the
upcoming scene at key places,
seen only by TED)
(BOLTON ENTERS)
 Miraculosity 70.

BOLTON
Ah, Ted. Where is everyone? Are you alright? You look like
the cat who ate the canary.

TED
They’ve all repaired to the vomitorium, I should think. I was
headed there myself.

BOLTON
Now, now. Nobody ever said saving souls and making a buck or
two was clean and easy. Look at poor Jesus, up on the cross.
‘Course, he wasn’t concerned about making a buck, but then
things were cheaper back then, and he didn’t have kids to put
through college.

TED
Stop it, you’re making me hallucinate.

BOLTON
Well, where’s your friend and the nurse? Let’s ... see them
off and finish up.

TED
They should be along any minute. Listen, Bolton ...

BOLTON
Yes?
(MUDD and DUFF ENTER)

MUDD
Hello boys! How’d we do?

BOLTON
Wonderful, just wonderful Mr. Pasmore. It was an engaging
performance, I must say. I was particularly impressed by the
response you got from our Nina. I think it may have helped
sway the ever-suspicious Hammersmith.

DUFF
Listen, I’ve got to get going. Can we just have the money?

BOLTON
Certainly, certainly.
(He hands them each an
ENVELOPE)

DUFF
(Counting the money)
This is two grand more’n you said.

BOLTON
Is there a problem?
 Miraculosity 71.

DUFF
Reckon not. Just not use to gettin’ more.

BOLTON
The extra is just a little reminder to keep your goddamned
mouths shut, OK?

DUFF
‘K. Got it.
(She EXITS)

MUDD
I’m not clear on all that, reverend. Can you run it by me
again?

BOLTON
(Big smile, arm around MUDD)
Certainly, Mr. Mudd ...

MUDD
It’s just ‘Mudd.’ Like ‘Madonna’ or ‘Sting.’

BOLTON
Well, just Mudd, here’s the bottom line, since you apparently
value clarity so very highly: Your job now is to shut up and
disappear. Mr. Pasmore will vanish. He will not answer any
more questions from the press, he will not submit to any
medical examinations, he will not appear on Larry King Live.
Do I make myself clear?

MUDD
Sure. Can I say just one thing?

BOLTON
No.

MUDD
You’re a real scumbag, know that? Here I thought people like
you were just myths, that you couldn’t really be that bad.
But yeah, you’re a snake-belly scumbag of the highest order.
Just thought you should know that. Ciao! And thanks for the
cash!
(EXITS)

BOLTON
Well, I suppose that’s for the good lord to decide in the
end. Don’t you think, Ted?
(No response. BOLTON EXITS
laughing)
 Miraculosity 72.

TED
Well, well, well ...
(NINA emerges from the closet)
Hi Nina! What did you think?

NINA
I’ll kill him. I think I should kill him. Don’t you think I
should kill him?

TED
I’ve got a better idea, one that won’t land you in a federal
penitentiary full of horny Hammersmiths.
(He pulls a digital voice
recorder from his pocket and
turns it on. We hear some
damning snippets from Bolton.
Nina smiles.)
Nice, huh?
(Hammersmith enters)

HAMMERSMITH
Where’s the Reverend Feel Good?

NINA
Purgatory, next stop for him is hell -- in the form of
Chapter 13.

HAMMERSMITH
Really?

TED
(At laptop)
Got some truly damning evidence here for you, Hammersmith.
I’m e-mailing you an MP3 right now. You can listen to it back
at your office and have a field day.

HAMMERSMITH
I’ll look forward to that. Goodbye Nina. Thanks for the tour.
(With a salacious wink, she is
gone)

TED
What was that?

NINA
Let’s just say wigglin’ your butt a little doesn’t just work
on men.

TED
(Embracing her)
That’s a visual I’m going to try to put out of my mind.
(They KISS)
Wow.
 Miraculosity 73.

NINA
Yeah. Wow. So ...

TED
Yes?

NINA
You were going to tell me all along, right?

TED
Of course. I was just looking for the right moment. You can’t
spring a trap if the bait is jumping around all excited.

NINA
Bait, eh?

TED
The best actress is one who doesn’t know she’s acting. But I
have to say ...

NINA
Yes?

TED
Watching you, how affected you were by Mr. Pasmore’s seeming
miracle, it was ... intriguing. I’ve never seen faith like
that, so clear and so honest. Even though it was, y’know, a
setup. And I’m sorry about that.

NINA
Had to be done. But I’m not sure what you’re saying. You’re
obviously not born again, heaven forbid, but ... what?

TED
Smaller epiphany. A realization, a newfound understanding
bordering on respect and admiration. Touch of jealousy thrown
in for good measure. In short, I think I could live with it,
so long as you don’t hold out too much hope. Any hope, in
fact.

NINA
A hopeless case, hmmm?
(Kisses him)
But Ted?

TED
Yes?

NINA
If there are kids ...
(Off his LOOK of shock)
Just if, OK? And we have to do some kind of ritual blending?
 Miraculosity 74.

I’m cool with a bar mitzvah, but the bris? As you say in New
York: fuhgeddaboutit!

TED
It’s a deal. Shalom ... and hallelujah!
(They kiss again as we FADE TO
BLACK)

THE END