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1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately. 3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out. 5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared. 6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone. 7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place. 8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead. 10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life. 11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. 12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead. 13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. 14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. 16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts. 17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. 18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions. 19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be. 20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them". 21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things. 22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. 23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town. 24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible. 26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes. 27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps. 28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy. 29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point. 30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to. 31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) Will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself. 32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior tothem. 33) If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as their own. 34) If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you. 35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second. 36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone. 37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway. 38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat. 39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the allconcealing shadows, the woods or the lake) 40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines. 41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc. 42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload) 43) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many antibiotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.

44) If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster. 45) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side. 46) DO NOT go into the dark room. 47) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female. 48) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone. 49) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam. 50) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable. 51) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds. 52) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap. 53) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when your supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!! 54) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is themmonster swinging some sort of sharp object. 55) If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there. 56) If the Master does not approve, neither do you. 57) Never handle the rat-monkey cage. 58) Your dog can take care of itself... So can your spouse... And your kids. 59) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway. 60) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer. 61) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out. 62) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs. 63) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed. 64) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head. 65) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a succesful demon/devil/monster summoning. 66) People driven by veangance always die. 67) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed. 68) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp. 69) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason. 70) Feel no guilt.

71) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave. 72) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway. 73) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up! 74) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O. 75) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you). 76) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him. 77) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck. 78) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you. 79) If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.) 80) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away! 81) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid. 82) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet. 83) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!). 84) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity. 85) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster. 86) If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive. 87) A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other. 88) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb. 89) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.

90) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing! 91) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe... and if you're really lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place). 92) If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's coming after you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very far away. 93) If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will not die but instead try and fight you while he is on fire. 94) If you know someone who does taxidermy on humans, and owns a hotel, do not get a room there, EVER. 95) Do not plan to engage in sexual activity whilst a murderer has escaped or a monster is near. 96) If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it is your spouse or child). 97) A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!" run like hell. 98) Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn . . . 99) Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names. 100) Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waitng right there for you. 101) Never open cannisters, especially not if they're government owned. 102) Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a *real* bad idea. 103) Never meddle in God's domain. 104) Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe. 105) If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by. 106) If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town. 107) Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind. 108) If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you. 109) Don't work the night shift. 110) Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned. 111) Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc ...) 112) If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.) 113) If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice,oor detonating A-Bombs.) 114) If an iceberg appears to be radioactive, do not crash your submarine into it. 115) Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

116) Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an ABomb test. 117) Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas. 118) Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you. 119) Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun'kinhead. 120) Stay on the Interstate. 121) Never EVER eat the dead monster's heart. 122) If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you. 123) If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone. 124) If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are dead already. 125) Also, any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is. 126) If you are walking in the woods and you heard a choo choo killl killl sound, I suggest you start running. 127) Whenever someone warn's you not to go up,down, under or over there, whatever you do, don't go! (They're only trying to save you from a most certain and Horrible death) 128) Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night. 129) Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait. 130) If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. Also, don't swim at night, especially when alone. 131) If your female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower. 132) If your really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels. 133) When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY!! 134) Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds. 135) Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town. 136) Don't volunteer to be scanned! 137) Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school. 138) Don't get locked in any building or business after hours. 139) Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously. 140) Take back TV's that breathe, or in which you see yourself doing vile things on the program.

141) If you have any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!! 142) You will not be saved by the god Plutonium! In fact, YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED!! 143) Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies. 144) If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure its a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new incarnation. 145) NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere. 146) Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho. 147) All myths and legends have a basis in fact... 148) If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures. You can't. 149) On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up... 150) If you are an obnoxious character, who will go on to get a "Seinfeld-type" sitcom, never run away from the group and lock the doors behind you. 151) Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating. 152) If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or the wind. 153) If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's probably already dead. 154) If you value your life, stay a virgin. 155) Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings. 156) Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.) 157) If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE! 158) When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on. 159) When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet. 160) All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.) 161) Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you. 162) Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you. 163) Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the way that she was. 164) Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised. 165) Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless your Bill Gates. 166) Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.

167) Don't eat food supplements, health food or yoghurt. Its not as good for you as you think. 168) When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of Corporation. 169) Avoid men in black. 170) Avoid men with pointy teeth. 171) Avoid people with lots of facial hair. 172) Avoid people with pale complexion who moan and sway. 173) Don't associate yourself with people who have access to virgins blood and speak in latin. 174) When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home. 175) If little Billy says that Aliens have landed in the back garden don't play in the sand pit. 176) It's generaly not a good idea to burn a guy with blades on his glove because he'll usually come after your children in their dreams. 177) A smart thing to do is to cancel your trip to see your aunt Bates and your cousin Norman at the Bates motel imediatly. 178) If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later. 179) NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas. 180) NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway. 181) Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner. 182) If you hear weird music start to play run like hell. 183) If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend." 184) The first thing to do when whitnessing a satanic ritual in the middle of nowhere is to tell the wives; otherwise, their bound to yell out into the night, asking you where you are. 185) Always carry spare headlights in the R.V.. If you forgot them, find a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road. 186) When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map. 187) If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must A) Be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters D) If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here. E) Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate. F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot. G) Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.

188) Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway. 189) If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet. 190) Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow. 191) When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there! 192) Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right! 193) When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from. 194) If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are. 195) If you stumble across the body of a dead freind, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead. 196) If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately. 197) When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't! 198) If you dream of a serial killer, do not attempt to combat him in your dream. 199) Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something. 200) Never be funnier than the main character. 201) Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are. 202) NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony. 203) NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony. 204) Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk. 205) When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries. 206) If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk. 207) Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan). 208) Never walk backwards! 209) If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T! 210) Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks. 211) If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.

212) Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break. 213) If, at any point, you are running from a monster/villian in a car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off the road, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up. 214) Don't ever repeat the words someone tells you wrong. Then for sure you'll have the monsters after you. And if that happens fight like there's no tomorrow. And if all else fails RUN LIKE HELL!! 215) If you see a burly man wearing a hockey and toting a hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers. 216) Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villian. (ie: Predator 2) He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed. 217) When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in a horror film, right?) always send your little brother/sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if something's hiding under the steps. 218) If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in the film. This is guaranteed. (ie: My Bloody Valentine.) 219) Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable. 220) If your running desperately away from a big boogy monster in the woods. A) He's going to pop up on front of you B) Your going to trip on something and end up on your butt just before something cleaves your head from your shoulders...Your going to die why not try running backwards. 221) If the Damm power suddenly shuts off. Dooonnn't go try to fix the generator. 222) Learn Karate, least no ones tried to roundkick Jason yet... 223) Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out. 224) If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instance you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead. 225) If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy. 226) If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc... Its a trick, just kill them. 227) Kill everyone you see. If one is posessed, assume all are posessed. Its easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you down anyways. Kill them all and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you. 228) Don't stay at Farmer Vincent's Motel. 229) Don't buy Farmer Vincent's meats. 230) Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching people make out. they are always the first to go. 231) Don't trust anyone with the name of Voorhees. 232) No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping in the lake. 233) When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are dead. 234) If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

235) If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stay near the door! 236) Never buy your kids a toy that talks back. 237) Keep careful track of the number of times you say the magic word that envokes the evil spirit. 238) NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit. 239) Do not incorporate the magic word that invokes the evil spirit into a catchy tune. 240) Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal. 241) If you're a zero in real life, you'll be a hero in your dreams. 242) Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "Maguyver". 243) When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee. 244) If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds. 245) Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come. 246) If somebody tells you he's from the future, beleive him unquestionably. 247) Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it. 248) Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point. 249) Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will. 250) Follow all care instruction of strange animals to the letter. 251) If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place. 252) Stay indoors on the night of a full moon. 253) After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY! 254) In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore. 255) Never trust a robot. 256) Don't succomb to peer pressure, even when they're passing around the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood. 257) If the cross in your local church is upside-down, bleeding or otherwise mutilated, find the nearest exit. 258) Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in. It'll just save you aggrevation in the long run. 259) Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth. 260) If you see a clown walking the streets of your town, stay away from the sewers. 261) If you are at a pool party and a man with blades on his fingers shows up and starts killing people, don't try to comfort or calm him down, just run. 262) Sudden extreme changes in temper usually causes things to explode.

263) If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS! 264) If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed. 265) Never, EVER, tell anyone where you keep your Mojo. 266) Don't open the door. 267) The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better. 268) Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...) 269) Never allow yourself to be hurt. You will inevitably go off by yourself to sulk. 270) The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it. 271) Never buy ANYTHING in an old burial ground. 272) If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of pain. 273) Never attempt to investigate teh horror stories of a small town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you will die if you go. 274) Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it". 275) Never look closely at any dark space after hearing or seeing anything strange. 276) Curiosity kills. 277) Don't take off any clothes. 278) If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave. 279) If you see a book entitled "How to Serve Man" don't board the alien spaceship. 280) Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't believe you anyways. 281) Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING. 282) Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie. 283) If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones. 284) If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from below you. 285) If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck, you're lunch no matter what happens. 286) Never pretend to be the/a local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first. 287) If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die. 288) If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on. 289) Never, EVER feed the strange animal that your father bought for you in China Town, after midnight.

290) The monster is never dead until everyone else is! 291) If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE. 292) If you are dealing with demons, don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alon always gets possessed. 293) If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you are safe inside, then listen to him. The demons,zombies, psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who thinkshe knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs. 294) If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead. 295) If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives. 296) When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke the hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and act human, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him. 297) When you hear scary music run the other direction! 298) Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th. 299) If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city, don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it. 300) If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face. 301) Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood. 302) If any man or monster is pursuing you with a weapon, run screaming blindly through the woods and hope to God the creature is deaf. 303) If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leave immediately. 304) Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanant psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you wereactually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but just didn't know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you. 305) Never wear a badge. You will definalty die within ten minutes. 306) Choose your friends and relatives wisely. Good choices: chaste teenage girls, any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above), good dogs, younger assistants to worldfamous scientists. Bad choices: security guards, law-enforcement and other municipal officials, teachers/professors, executives of companies with questionable environmental/scientific practices, psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology, obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls, andof course promiscuous teenage girls. 307) No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear in any part of town, not matter how big the town is. 308) If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster. 309) If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too. 310) Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away... 311) If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP.

312) If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't go cause as soon as you'll cross the bridge, it will fall or be demolish by an evil spirit. 313) If someone screams "None of you know whats really going on 'round here" then listen to them. 314) If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it. 315) If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed. 316) It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first. 317) The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to die. 318) If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once. 319) If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene. 320) When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you. 321) Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny. 322) Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much the creepy owner offers to take off the price. 323) Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so be quick and keep your eyes closed. 324) Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains the remains of some strange animal. 325) If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance your flybait! 326) Try to avoid going into fruit cellars of old abandoned cabins 327) If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either! 328) Don't go burying your dead pets in foreign cemetarys, because if it didn't work for the Creeds, it sure as hell won't work for you. 329) If an Irish midget is chasing you around and is rambling something about his gold, be a good man and give the guy his damn coin, because, though it may protect you from bodily harm, the midget may just kill your friends and family instead, so give him his coin and everyone will be happy. 330) Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen. 331) If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it. 332) Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you, and the Grim Reaper will hand you your one-way ticket to the realm beyond. 333) Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat... 334) Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it right either.Burn the damned book and go bye-bye as fast as possible.

335) If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh eating zombies. And there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them then you. But if the zombies come after you (like in Night of the Living Dead) shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else fails, run like hell away from them. Don't go back for a friend if he's bitten, he's a goner. 336) Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board by yuorself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer. 337) Never, never, never go by yourself to investiage a strange noise coming from the: basement, attic, or any dark room without a full company of the National Guard 338) If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving. 339) If you can't drive a moped, don't try; otherwise, you might find yourself in a Robert Englund film. 340) If you have friends who had the same bad dream as you expect them all to die. Also if your mom shows you a glove with knives for fingers, proceed to kill the guy who owned those before his death. Then just dont come back for the 3rd movie in the series,he will get you. 341) If you were ever in anyway related to anyone named Myers, avoid Smith's Grove, Haddonfield,IL, men in black with tattoos of Norse runes on their wrist,and guys named Michael with a white mask on. Also if you run into the guy named Michael and "kill him" he will get back almost as soon as you let your guard down. 342) If you end up in a town with no kids and crazy adults dont drive a van,dont go to any houses on Elm street and fall asleep,and dont trust people wearing Red and green stripes orbladed gloves,they really are burned up killers. 343) If you happen upon small New Jersey towns with lake or forest in the name avoid the wilderness,avoid the lake, avoid camps of any kind. Stay in the main part of town and always believe people named "Crazy Ralph" or who carry eyeballs, or who are a deck hand,and always people who call the forementioned camps "Camp Blood". Especially on Friday the 13th. 344) When entering a room, close the door, as it will close by it self if you don't and some monster will enter through another door. Of course, destroying the door would be the best option. 345) When something dead and rotten starts to move towards you with the the intention to eat you, run like hell. Don't stay around to see how fast they move... 346) If someone you know looks pale and has the urge to eat your brain, don't let them. This will cause some nasty side effects. 347) When you hear someone cutting lumber in the middle of Texas in the middle of the night, don't stay to see what kind of chainsaw they use. 348) Remember, you don't find your friends quicker if you split up. 349) Sex in haunted houses may be kinky but not safe. 350) When you think "this place is spoooky" it problably is. 351) If you find out that any of your ancestors were burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft, by no means should you EVER: a) move into his old house, b) study any of his experiments or works, c) dig up his grave, d) not immediately burn your family tree and any record of his existence; or he will invariably possess you, kill you, and take over your persona! 352) If your roomate at med school develops a reagent for re-animating the dead immediately drop out! Pursue a career in fast food-- anything, but by all means never, EVER, lock yourselves in a basement/morgue/vault when you test it on a dead body. Refrain from testing it on more than one body at a time and DO NOT let failed experiments escape! 353) If you permit failed re-animation experiments to escape (by disregarding the previous tip) they will undoubtedly group together and come after you with tools!

354) If you absolutely must experiment with re-animating the dead, never try to create the perfect woman from various womanly parts and by no means should you give her the heart of your dead girlfriend with hopes of having her back! In this instance it is much better to have loved and lost and forgotten about the whole mess... 355) If your mother has recently been bitten by a rat monkey and has just eaten your girlfriends dog, SHOOT HER! 356) If your daughter,son,or any aquaintance of yours pukes pea soup in your face when you say "hello!", that person is possessed, and should be delt with in an appropriate manner! 357) If your hand becomes possessed, and you do manage to cut it off before it kills you, throw it in the micrwave for a half hour, dont put it in a waste basket, as it will break free, probably give you the finger, run inside your walls, and kill the prodidgy child before she can send the demons back to hell, the forest or wherever they came from! 358) If you have a Krite problem, let the bounty hunters blow them up, as they will only eat every ounce of flesh on your body and do obscene things with your skeletal remains if you don't! 359) Don't worry if people shun you for some hobby of yours, 'cause it'll come in handy later on. 360) Destroy your closet, and saw the legs of your beds, that way, the monsters can only come after you via doors and windows. 361) If you are a rotten, spoiled, stuck-up little kid who "doesn't believe in monsters" expect to believe by the end of the movie. In fact, you will be made to believe in a terrifying experience when you see the monster. 362) If you are the best friend of the star of the movie, LEAVE IMMEDIATLY or expect to be killed and/or taken over by the monster/demon to be used as bait. 363) If you seem to have "psychic" abilities and you and your family are taking care of a very old hotel in the dead of winter, and your father starts acting weird, don't "call" your friend, JUST LEAVE! Do NOT depend on the caretaker of the hotel to help you because he will intercepted by your possessed father. 364) Clowns are bad. They are NOT funny and nice! If you continue to see a clown over and over again, DO NOT approach it or your parents. Your parents won't believe you and the clown will be prompted to action. Just run away, far away. 365) If you happen to like the paranormal and have spent your entire life dedicated to finding a certain ghost/monster/relic/demon, expect to die a horrible death after facing your goal. You will die because the writers figured you have no life and the audience won't like you. 366) If you are the mean "popular" boy at school or the stuck up snob cheerleader when strange happenings begin to occur, do not expect to live long. People want the sleazy to die. 367) Grumpy, cranky old men have a 50/50 chance of survival. Either you will be violently put out of your misery or you will reedem yourself by coming to your senses in the last 10 minutes of the movie to help stop the monster. 368) If you are the sheriff's daughter, DO NOT form an emotional bond with your father and leave town as fast as you can. You will be the target of the monster and your father will die and eventually used as bait against you. 369) If a meteor crash lands nearby, please do not go and "check it out" especially if you are a drunken, horny teenager. Something oily and seethy will take care of you. 370) If a slow-walking villian (who never runs) is chasing you outside, DON'T run into a house where you lose your advantage! Stay outside and run down the middle of the street, not on the sidewalk next to the dark, shadowy bushes where he can jump out and get you! 371) If you are a smart, shy girl and a villian is going around killing your louder, wilder friends, don't go over and investigate if you get a strange garbled telephone message from your friend. You will meet the villian. 372) Don't bother asking the monster, "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" because its just a waste of time. If you can't kill it by emptying your shotgun into it, it'll take something/someone holy to do it. 373) Don't become an evil scientist. You will be killed by your creation when it goes awry.

374) If your town includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine, has a large, rabid St. Bernard, resides in an old, haunted hotel near a Pet Semetary, and hangs out with girls with telekenetic powers and old, strange men who manipulate your fellow townspeople. . .you're pretty much screwed. 375) If you are a rich successful jerk, don't expect to live very long. 376) If you live in a town with a horror author whose character accidentily comes alive, run like hell. 377) If a nice girl you've been attracted to comes to your 3rd story window in the middle of the night and she asks you to open it, as much as you might want to, DO NOT and grab your crucifix. 378) If two well known horror villians escape around the same time, don't expect anything good to come of it. 379) Don't investigate anything! It won't do any good! 380) Don't worry about no respect just because you're a coward... you'll be the only one alive. 381) Don't make friends with aliens. Nine out of ten aliens are nasty. ET was a fluke. 382) If a giant city destroyer spaceship is hovering above your city, leave before it can fire. You will die unless you are a) a stripper with a child and a dog who has survival skills and can drive trucks or b) an egghead with a macintosh computer 383) Do not walk into deserted creepy farmhouses because you most certainly will never come out! 384) NEVER TRY TO RESCUE YOUR HALF-EATEN COMPANION. REMEMBER, IF MORE THAN HIS/HER FOOT OR HAND IS EATEN, HE/SHE IS BASICALLY DEAD! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOUR FRIEND (WHO'S LOST HALF HIS BODY) WILL RECOVER AND LEAD A PRODUCTIVE LIFE. SHOOT HIM AND MOVE ON. 385) IF YOU'RE GOING TO RUN FROM A MONSTER, TRY TO RUN TO A PLACE YOU KNOW. DO NOT RUN AT BREAKNECK SPEED THROUGH SOME CITY OR BACKWOODS THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO. YOU'LL MOST LIKELY RUN OVER A CLIFF OR INTO A DEAD END ALLEY WHERE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH FASTER THAN THE MONSTER YOU CAN "FLY", THE MONSTER WILL BE WAITING WHEN YOU TURN AROUND. 386) BURN, SHOOT, OR KICK ANYTHING STRANGE. "IT" IS NEVER CUTE, INTELLIGENT, FRIENDLY, OR INTERESTING. IF "IT" HAS EVER BEEN DEAD, "IT" SHOULD STILL BE THAT WAY. 387) NEVER DEVISE A PLAN THAT MAKES SENSE, IT WILL INVARIABLY GO WRONG. DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY RANDOM, LIKE PURPOSEFULLY RUNNING OFF A CLIFF, SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, YOU'LL END UP IN ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE THE MONSTER IS DEAD. UNLESS YOU'RE THE MAIN CHARACTER, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY SO TRY SOMETHING NEW. 388) DON'T TRY TO KILL THE MONSTER BY CONVENTIONAL MEANS(IE. STABBING, CHOKING, SHOOTING, BLASTING INTO LITTLE PIECES), DO SOMETHING STRANGE, LIKE SOAKING THE MONSTER WITH THE BLOOD FROM YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER'S LAST MENTRUATION PERIOD OR JUST WHIP UP A CONVENIENT LITTLE BLACK HOLE OUT OF NOWHERE AND PUSH HIM INTO IT. 389) If you find out that the last owner of the car you would like to buy died in it, do not buy the car! If one of your friends buys the car, however, it's too late to save him; he'll be dead by the end. 390) When ever you have (to your asumption) slayed the monster, villian etc.., do not turn to a fellow surviver for a hug. 391) If you've come to town for your grandmother's funeral and you just found her pet pig slaughtered in the kitchen (blood all over the floor and his head in the fridge), LEAVE TOWN NOW!! Don't wait for the demon and all his minions to begin killing off the slutty local girls and bringing you their earings still in the ears. 392) When sending an elite strike squad down to the surface of a alien infested planet, leave someone on the fucking mother ship. Oh and when you leave the planet before it blows up, shut your landing gear.

393) If you are alone and see a beautiful woman (naked or otherwise) DO NOT go to her, help her or interact with her in any way. 394) If you are a girl with big breasts and you are trapped in the garage with the killer. Never try to climb through the doogy door on the electric garage door. You will get stuck and the killer will hit the open button and your head will get crushed. 395) Discourage your parents from taking jobs as winter caretakers at secluded mountain-top hotels. 396) If you're possessed, don't eat pea soup - it's a bitch to get the stains out of papal robes. 397) When a old man walks up to you and says "go away or you shall die!" run like hell. 398) Never have sex on a boat if there has been storys about a axe murderer who killed teenagers. 399) If your a kid on a camping trip and your family has just been atacked by a monster and your family made it away and your stuck in your sleeping bag don't try to bounce away because he will knock you across the woods until you hit a rock and split in half. 400) If zombies are following you do the right thang,say no to brains. 401) If your stomach hurts and you resiently had a atchache by a alien that pops out of your stomache then 9 out of 10 people would agree that thats no heart burn. 402) If you made it to the sequel of a movie where goblins poped out of the john then whatever you do don't take a crap cause you might lose alot more then just your life. 403) If you have to relieve yourself, hold it in. Anyone who drops a loaf or urinates either gets slashed in the woods, impaled while in the out-house, or gets sucked down the can. 404) Keep your car windows rolled up at all times. 405) The boogieman IS coming to get you, so you better start believing in him fast. 406) The police are NOT going to believe you, so don't even bother going to them! 407) If you get dared to do anything, remember: Darers go first. 408) When bad guys get angry, they don't make mistakes. They just hurt you even more. 409) If you have witty lines AND top billing, that's a good sign you're gonna live. 410) Be as attractive as you can possibly be; it improves your chances of living. 411) Never "try and be funny". No one likes your jokes, accept that and go on with your life (however short it is.) 412) If it's your first movie, you're probably dead. 413) If you meet somone who has no reason to be there, chances are it's them doing the killing. 414) ANY and ALL dolls are bad! If you see any type of doll at all, whether it be action figure or an african tribal totem, BURN IT! 415) If you recieve a strange object with directions, FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS! 416) By now you've realized certain attire should be avoided at all costs (Halloween masks, clown suits, badges, etc.) However, none of these can approach the danger level of a wedding dress -- the more old-fashioned, the deadlier. Don't wear it and run like hell from anyone that does. 417) An exception to the above can be made for your bride-to-be ONLY if in a church full of real people whom you know. If she shows up wearing it anywhere else, or in an empty church, leave now or expect a honeymoon in Hell.

418) If you're being chased by a giant, radioactive Monster, Subways, Skyscrapers, Nuclear Power Plants or (God help you!) Tokyo Tower are not good places to hide. In general, giant radioactive Monsters have a strong preference for destroying famous landmarks (Eiffel Tower, White House etc.), as opposed to lesser known structures. 419) When you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you think it's dead,think againthe monster is not dead,nor will it die it's just resting.take this opportunity to leave the city, state,or even the country 420) Any seed pods approximately the size and/or shape of a human being should be destroyed immediately. Burn them or hack them to shreds; a few squirts of Roundup will not suffice. 421) Giant eggs of any kind should also be destroyed, and for God's sake don't try to cook and eat them. 422) Always wear track shoes. Your life may depend on outrunning a buddy. 423) If your new house tells you to get out, DO IT. 424) Never never NEVER say 'I'll be back.' 425) If the police who are protecting you from a killer are sitting outside your house in their squad car, get the hell out of town. They're already dead & the monster is right behind you! 426) Save yourself lots of time & trouble....kill everyone else. 427) As soon as you see the monster, chase it & rip it's mask off. You're as good as dead anyway & at least the people watching the movie will get to see what he looks like. 428) It is NOT a good idea to have a party/sex/booze in the graveyard/haunted house/masoleum. 429) If the ATM machine calls you an asshole, avoid ALL machanical devices. 430) If the locals advice you to stick to the road, stay off the moors and beware the moon, Take heed. 431) If you suvive an attack by a werewolf and your dead friend, who wasn't so lucky, visits you from beyond the grave to tell you that the next full moon you will spout hair and fangs, believe him and kill yourself. It will save you a lot of pain and guilt and many people from death. 432) If your dentist looks like that guy from LA Law, cancel your appointment immediately. 433) If you're in a large mausoleum and a little silver sphere is flying towards you--please duck or go hide. Standing in place could result in severe loss of blood from the forehead. 434) Don't ever try to open a door that has been sealed for a long time or if you don't knowwhat reason it was sealed for. There is about a 95.7% chance that it was done fora very damn good reason !! 435) Never answer the phone in a horror movie. 436) Never feed anything after midnight. 437) When you've knocked the killer to the floor and dazed him, for god's sake don't try to whack him anymore! He'll just block you and get really pissed. Just get the hell out of there! 438) If you shoot, stab, bludgeon, burn or otherwise do something harmful to the killer, make sure it's lethal, or else chances are, 5 minutes later he'll be immune to it. 439) When you've knocked the killer down the steps and the only way out of the house is over his supposedly dead body, just use the window. 440) Never EVER piss on the grave/tomb/entrapment of a madman/monster/etc.! 441) If you're cornered on the 28th story, just jump out the window. It's quicker and less painful.

442) If you empersonate the dead mother of the killer, DON'T let him know you're not her just before attempting to kill him. JUST KILL HIM! 443) If you make eye contact with the killer, even if it had no interest in you before, you are dead meat, wherever you run. 444) DON'T hide in a barn, warehouse or other enclosed area with only one exit! 445) And most of all, DON'T TRY FISTICUFFS AGAINST THE UNDEAD KILLER!!! 446) NEVER go to the prom on the anniversary of your,or your friends little sister. Or you will more than likely DIE!!!!!!!!! 447) A 20 Gigawatt Plasma gun might help you to survive a while. Get one as fast as you can and don't forget the flamethrower optional upgrade. 448) If you are about to be killed, dare the psycho to do it. If you want to die you probably won't. 449) Before you get killed by an undead creature, find out it's secret of eternal life and come back after it. 450) If you see credits...... then you are saved (until the sequel) 451) If you are female and the psycho is male (or vice-versa) then fall in love with the cornball, if he does kill you, he'll go mad and kill himself, saving millions at the cost of your own life, you'll get a higher reward and will be worshipped as a hero/heroine and probably come back to avenge the psycho 452) If you are being chased by an idiot, turn around and run towards them, they'll turn around and run away (am I the only person who ever thought of this?) 453) Hug the killer, they will be so overcome with emotion that they'll let you live 454) Be nice to everyone, including Jason and Freddy (I find it hard not to like Freddy), kill people for him and you will be highly favoured in the eyes of serial killers everywhere 455) It doesn't matter if their Lucky Charms are magicaly delicious, steer cleer of Leprauchauns!!!!!!!! 456) If you try to open the car door, but had to go and get your keys because you forgot them, do not get into the car when you return if the doors are suddenly unlocked and the windows are steamy. This generally means the killer is in the car. 457) If you find yourself in the sequel in a hospital where only 5 people are working and there are no other patients, leave and go to the set of ER. 458) Never have puppets lying or hanging around in your room, eventually, they will become possesed and try to kill you. 459) The boogie-man is NEVER dead. 460) Just stay inside on all holidays, none of them are safe anymore! 461) Never yrust some one who can speak Latin besides Catholic Preist. 462) Never, NEVER, under any sercomstance hit any one who is possesed, just to save her you will spend all eternity in Hell 463) Never wish for some one to return from the dead who was buried graphicly and never found. They or a hell bound murder will turn against you. 464) Never eat the bad guy's heart, no matter how tasty it looks. 465) Don't ever dig up the corpse of a dead bad guy with the intention of destroying the body. No matter what you do, he'll come back to life. 466) Avoid houses where portraits have moving eyes, the taps drip blood, and the dog begins pawing at the wall for no reason.

467) When holding your gun to the killer/monster's head make sure the safety is off. (This works better in blowing the bastards head off). 468) If you have been in numerous horror movies and have been killed before the opening credits are through, we suggest you find a new line of work. 469) By all means try to avoid wax museums. 470) If you come across an old abandoned house that is boarded with 15 pick-up trucks in the front yard don't ask for directions just get the hell out of there. 471) A walking puppet with no strings is not cute. 472) If a scroll has been written with blood on human skin never break the seal. 473) If a huge crater opens up in your back yard move ASAP. 474) Never say the killer's name 5 times into the mirror to prove "it's just a story". 475) If you have been around the kid most of the day and says "the boogyman is at the house across the street" or some thing like thatbelieve him and go across town or out of town for the night. 476) If you see a little kid in the middle of the night on a off to the side road that says "the Vampiers are in the club house and they gotyour freind" or some thing like that, don't tell him to get in your car, better yet run him over so he dosen't rap you in the club house. 477) You remember that hot little number who wouldn't know your name even if you were her brother...well chances are she ain't a virgin...go tell her to stand in the shower naked and you'll send that hot quarterback to fix the hell is she going to know the difference between Jason and a football player...they don't bother to take off the helmet. 478) The keep out sign is probably there for a very good reason. 479) If you went to a camp to be a counsler and you are the only survivor from a masacre..why would you go back the next year? 480) The next time your breasts are showing remember that being stapled to the wall with a spear isn't that bad if you are dead. 481) If you are going to have sex, never have it with a girl that asks for it. She probably is possesed and you will die. If you make her do it both of you will die. 482) Whenever at the end of the Movie they show some weird thing that hadnothing to do with the recent teen-kill fest, and you are a survivor, torch the damn town. Better the rednecks than you. 483) This rarely happens but if one of the guys in your group happens to be the son of a black minister, there is no way in hell he is dying, so stick with him. 484) ALWAYS stay a virgin till after the credits roll. If you have already given it up prepare for a swift death (sliced and diced). 485) DON'T FALL ASLEEP, EVER! Insomnia is a viable alternative to death. 486) Never eat white gooey stuff bubbling out of the ground near a mine/refinery/etc. It will most likely take over your brain and/ordesintigrate your body. 487) If everyone who died of a mysterious death on the ship, shortly before had contact with the ships cat, shoot the cat as soon as you see it. 488) Never take anything from a scientific lab.

489) Run out the front door and not up the stairs. 490) If your parents are out of town and you live in the country or up in the hill's don't have a party, and go to a friends house. 491) Watching Prom Night saves time. 492) If you are swimming, and hear fast-paced cello music, get the hell out of the water, and maybe the state, and don't stand like an idiot looking to see why everyone started screaming. 493) If you decide to live in a house possesed by evil spirits, never ever have a priest come and bless it. Doing so will cause your brother to become possesed and kill your entire family. 494) If your brother looks strange and wants to have sex with you, no matter how sexually deprived you may be, RUN AWAY!! Having sex with your brother is like selling your soul to Satan. 495) Never piss off a clown. Especially if his name is Pennywise. 496) Always listen to the crazy old peddler who says that he is a messenger from god, and tells you that your camp grounds are cursed. 497) Don't bother to pick up the phone because invaribly the line will be cut or dead, or there will be an evil voice coming from it (if you're real unlucky, there will be something nasty protruding from the mouthpiece or earpiece). 498) Never turn your back on a open door. It will close. 499) Just because it's real quiet, don't be fooled. Even the biggest, clumsiest monsters can sneak up on you. 500) Never attempt to investigate an electrical object that is working, but not plugged in. 501) Never admit a phobia to anyone. It will somehow be used against you. 502) Never hide or pretend like your dead to scare somebody. You're just asking for it. 503) If you start having dreams or hearing voices that give you advice,listen to them! Chances are they are somehow linked to you and are looking out for your safety. 504) In a sequel, never EVER go back to the town where the original horror happened. If you do, you're just asking for it. 505) If you leave your abusive husband (especially a cop), change youridentity, move to a small town, and fall in love with a great guy - you might live but your new lover is bound to die. 506) Never take any medication -- its gonna get switched with something fatal. 507) If your appliances go hay-wire -- LEAVE. Get out of the house & get out of the town. Something strange is going down. Go to an island with no electrical appliances or vehicles. And the less people the better. 508) Do not trust anyone. Its a death sentence. They're either gonna be evil or they're gonna die in which case are gonna cause you to bearly escape. 509) If the lone survivor of an alien uprising on a deserted planetary mining colony is an eight year old girl and she gives you advice on how the aliens operate, DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT brush off her opinions as the ramblings of a child. Remember, she was the ONLY survivor. 510) If you live in or are going to move to a quiet town, go away. Chances are something very bad has or will happen. 511) If you ever get a flat tire on an old dirt road in Texas dont stop to fix it. 512) If you have killed a monster with a pistol or some other weapon, always put som extra shots in it or use even more weapons against it.

513) Remember that the really witty and atractive girl will always die in the most original way possible. 514) Just say no to drugs; unless they are really good. That way you won't have to suffer with the pain. 515) Always listen to the crazy old lady. 516) If your father kills your mother and/or has a room full of gloves with knives on them don't wait for them to come take you away! 517) Never walk or run while looking in any direction other than straightahead. 518) If you think you're being stalked and you happen to have your cat with you, follow it's lead. If it starts to hiss or act scared, run for it. 519) Stick with the trained dog or cute kid. Neither will be killed andtheir instincts will generally steer you out of trouble. You will bedead meat, however, if you are the kid's older sister's boyfriend. 520) Usually the little kid has the best ideas for avoiding things thatmight maim or mangle you. Listen to him/her! 521) While sounding like a turn-on, sex outdoors is generally a bad idea. 522) If you think you've killed the monster/stalker/fiend and there areseveral others out there, then congratulations! One down, a few more to go... If, on the other hand, you think you've killed the only monster/stalker/fiend that's been bothering you, then don't go near it! 523) Don't drop your weapon! But also don't let the monster leave your sight for a moment. It will take the opportunity when you avert your gaze to sit up and recover. 524) When walking down the same hallway you've walked down a million times before in your house, turn the lights on. And run past any open doors or adjacent halls. 525) Never situate your desk in such a way that your back is toward thedoor, window or hall. Ditto for couches in front of TVs. Positionall furniture against sturdy walls. 526) Never look directly into anything that includes lights, boxes, mirrors, or creepy books. Also never look into spooky people's eyes, just in case. 527) Way to tell if panic is warranted: If the power goes out in yourhome, look out a window at the street lights and neighbor's houses. If their power is out too, just calm down and take a nap. If your house is the only one that goes, then leave immediately. 528) Don't bother trying to barracade yourself in a shoping mall to avoid zombies because no mattrer how nicw it may seem in the end raiders will break in and let all of the zombies and you will end up dead. 529) If you see a strange man in the road of a place you shouldn't be holding a sharp object, don't hesitate to run him down if he won't move, and make sure to go back and forth over him if he breaks your windows. 530) Never ever, under any circumstances, touch a monster on the ground. He'll grab your ass and tear you a part. Monsters playing opossim is the oldest trick known to man. 531) Never ever assume someone you know is at the door. 532) Never make fun of the monster and say what you would do to it if you saw it (tear his head off, kick his ass, tear his nuts off) because it will do just that to you. 533) Never argue co-existence with a demon house. It'll only end up deciding it doesn't like you and your family and destroy itself. 534) When being chased, do not try to get out of the by way of the cat door.

535) If the main character is holding the one item that can destroy themonster/evil/demons, do not grab it and toss it into a monster's lair. But if you should happen to do this, don't run off into the darkness alone afterwards. 536) If you decide to get a Leprican to give you 3 wishes, be extremelyspecific. 537) Never use a pipe wrench to hit a creature that is 3 foot tall orsmaller or has killed more than 3 people, it is definitely stronger, and more powerfull than first perceived. 538) If you decide to kill your mom, and she comes back, under NOcircumstances follow her orders. 539) If a monster ( killer/ demon/ cousin/ monkey/ plush toy / midget/whatever ) is dead , DO NOT decide to dig up it's grave, and shove a steel rod through it's heart from enragement, during a thunderstorm. 540) When swimming at a place you've never been to , look for cautionsigns. Search the thick greenery well. 541) Do not gloat in victory over a monster, no matter how sure you arethat it can't get you. 542) They can't hurt you under the covers. It worked for Richard Moll. 543) Never go any where near the washing or drying machines. Just don't do the laundry, PERIOD!!! Clean close isn't all that important, people can't smell you through the TV. 544) Every one is doomed, just break in to the White House and press "thebig red button" and end it all, you will be thanked, except by the producers, who wouldn't be able to make a sequel. 545) When in the movie, don't get a role in which you say or do anythingimportant. Be a cameo, or extra, nothing bad happens to them. My advice is be the old man in the background. 546) If you are a teenager, but apear to be in your late 20's, early 30's; be extra cautious, you are in a horror movie. 547) If you see a guy in a mask,it probably isn't one of your friendspulling a prank. It's probably a maniac who will cut off your head or something. 548) If a guy tells you to say certain magic words when you take a book of the dead from a cemetary,DO NOT FORGET THOSE WORDS! 549) Don't play pranks on people. Either they'll come back for revenge or an evil maniac will figure out a way to use it to his or her advantage. 550) Never try to fist fight a killer,'cause you'll most likely lose andget killed. 551) Don't hold seances in any place where people have died,or dead bodies are stored,or any place of the dead. You'll most likely conjure up some demons that will possess you and your friends. 552) Never visit a wax museam after midnight. 553) Don't call phone numbers that say EVIL in them.(976-EVIL) 554) Don't open gifts from family satanists(see RABID GRANNIES) 555) Never take showers in Bates Motel. 556) Don't open canisters that contain gas that supposedly re-animates the dead. 557) It's pretty much a good idead to stay away from all camp grounds. 558) Never kill anyone. They'll most likely come back for revenge. 559) Never screw around with ouja bords. Ever. 560) Don't play satanic music and use what it says to open gates to hell.

561) Don't do experiments with teleportation devices. 562) Never interfere with satanic rituals. 563) Always make sure your car doors are locked before you get out to pump gas! If you don't, when you get back in, the killer will bein your back seat. 564) Always carry a shotgun.You may not kill the monster but, you'll slow him down. 565) If your not a main character do not try to dress up like the killer! 580) In no scary movie are the aliens ever friendly. Don't attempt to find out what they want, don't stick around to watch them land. Just run. 600) Know this, if you go off alone to get yourself a beer - you won't live long enough to drink it! 601) If you open a partially closed door, don't be surprised if a corpse falls out. 602) If your film is a self-parody of the horror genre, then disregard everything on this list. 603) If you ever see a neon sign where certain letters are missing, in the correct configuration to produce a word with a sinister connotation, under no conditions have anything to do with it. 604) If you know that a remake will be produced of your film, make sure David Cronenberg will be directing. Otherwise, it'll suck. 605) If you're in a movie that makes an active effort to overturn the cliches of the genre, then you're on your own! 606) If all the women become flat chested in an instant, kill yourself!!!!!!!! 607) If you've been having mad passionate love with your girlfriend in the cemetery and out pops her dead husband don't let him bite her. Also if you think he bit her, do not, I repeat do not, shoot her in the head and think that she is dead, when in fact she just fainted from all the stress. 608) Try not to attract ALL the nasty evil things when you screem really, really loudly. 609) If you are being chased by a monster, and an old pickup truck pulls up beside you and the driver shouts to get in, don't. The driver will be the monster's unmutated companion who will only drive you straight back to him. 611) If you are handicapped in any way, expect to die. 612) If there is a killer on the loose, do not decide that 'now's the time" to lose your virginity. Unless your boyfriend/girlfriend IS the killer, in which case you're good to go. 613) When a girl can make fire come out with her thoughts, run the hell away. 615) When building a homebase for your satanic grotto/witches' coven, it is often not a good idea to make the ceiling completely out of glass, as at the first storm/hell breaking loose many people will die. 616) When being chased by someone or something in a car (while you're on foot)...don't run down the middle of the street! 617) When calling for someone, after a half a dozen times, get it in your head they're not going to answer and something is WRONG!!!! 618) If you are an incredible geek and all of a sudden the high school's best looking girl asks you out, run as fast as you can, because the carnage is about to start. 619) Aim for the head! 620) Don't go to summer camp with a girl who has a doink!

621) Do not trust strange Barons or Counts with the last name Alucard. It's Dracula spelled backwards dummy! 622) If young children band together to stop the end of the world(i.e Monster Squad,The Gate). Do brag about their active imaginations and help them damn it. 624) Crying vampires are easier to kill with stakes, garlic, or holy water. Do not be kindhearted, just DESTROY the bloodsucking creature of the night. Anything that whines that much about being immortal only has it coming. 625) If a old man who claims to be Dr. Van Helsing shows up at your door, LET HIM IN. Do not say Dracula was just a book and it's 1997. He's not a funny old man and he know's what he's talking about. 626) If you don't have a heartbeat, and brains smell mighty tasty, kill yourself fast. Save your friends, family, and the whole world the worry. As we all know when zombies appear.....EVERYONE DIES!!! and for God's sake the basement is the best place to hide. 627) Large breasted cheerleaders should have sex with the nerdy guy in the back of the class. He will be the hero and you will survive by being his woman. 628) I don't care what you think about RuPaul or Ed Wood. Transvestites are dangerous. Just look at Leatherface, Dr. Frank N. Furter, Norman Bates, and that guy from the Silence of the Lambs. One "Miss Thing" or "You Go Girl" to one of these folks and your history. 629) If you befriend one monster to help you battle the other monsters, do not think that you can get by on monster power alone. Without fail he will be taken out before you can make use of the creature. Be prepared to fight for yourself...and your life. 630) Never be alone on devils night. 631) If you are a grave robber or for any reason hang out near a cemetary consider a new occupation. 632) If you happen to be chosen to help discredit a Satanic cult, decline the offer. 633) If you are already in the process of discrediting a Satanic cult, avoid accepting anything, even if it belongs to you, from the leader of the cult. 634) If you have already accepted something from the leader of the Satanic cult, and it turns out to contain a bit of parchment with runes on it, give it back. Quickly. 635) If you are a gang member and there is a voodoo expert in town don't kill the boy who has been the "nice kid". For the voodoo expert will just shrink his head and send it after you. 636) If you hear an unfamiliar noise, don't ask who is there? RUN! The response is never a nice one. 637) Never dig up a psychos body to see if he's REALLY dead! 638) If you see the monster in the middle of the road while driving, don't swerve - run him, her, or it down, and roll over it a few times. 639) If you are a ditsy beauty queen with a large chest...there is no hope for you. You might as well just resign yourself to your fate. 640) No matter what sound you hear, no matter how faint and innocent it seems, IT'S NEVER THE WIND!!!!!!! 641) What ever you do, don't go to a summer camp where almost 98% of those who either worked there or was a guest at the camp were either impaled, shot, stabbed, or wrapped up in a sleeping and smacked against a tree. 642) If you're the pizza delivery guy and the house you're delivering to has dead bodies about the place, don't go to your car since the killer is probably in it by now, and the chances that you are not the main character are pretty high. I would suggest

going into the house, putting pizza sauce on you, lying down with the dead bodies and playing dead when the killer walks by. Let someone else do all of the work. 644) If you are a good looking female virgin, you should not strip down naked and swim (by yourself) in a secluded lake. 645) If a monster is following you never, never, ever, decide to run up stairs. It only guarantees that the monster will catch up to you. 647) If you are a bum or drunk with no connection to the main character, and you see something strange in the sky, kill yourself quickly. It's better that way. 648) If there's a full moon, don't go outside for *any* reason - if you must, be sure to avoid cemetaries and lonely moors. 649) While running, never look behind you to see if the killer is there. He is! Look down so you don't trip, and don't scream hoping the killer will stop because 9 out 10 times they won't. 650) Stay away from the following: Anything that has an overabundance of y's and th's in it's name ('Nyarlathotep, Yog-Sothoth, etc.) Anybody who's first and last name begins with the same letter 'Exciting' people. The more boring you are, the less involved in the movie you are, and the greater your chance of survival. Certain directors such as John Carpenter and any Italian horror director. They always stick those damn trick endings in. New England. Any profession that requires special tools, such as dentists, cartogrophers, 'do-it-yourselfers', doctors, etc. Anyone who's unfaithful to their S.O. Anything that begins with 'Great Old' or 'Elder' Religion in any form. Outboard motors. Writing utensils. Books of ANY sort! This cannot be stressed enough! Even a harmless-looking childrens book will turn out to be Evil ('See Dick. See Cthulhu. See Dick see Cthulhu. See Dick go insane.') 'Experimental' procedures. They're more trouble than they're worth, ESPECIALLY if they work. Meat. Vegetables. Electrical outlets.

651) If you answer the phone and somebody says "Have you checked the children" don't do it. 652) If you're the hottest girl in town and you just HAVE to dump your psycho boyfriend, do all of your friends a favor and just kill him, cause if not their all dead anyway! 655) If your hand, or any other part of your body starts acting weird (tries to hit, cut, maim or kill you), do not hesitate to cut it right off. Preferably with a chaisaw. 656) On a stormy dark rainy night when your parents go out, never stay home alone. Go over to a friends house or invite friends over. Remember to invite more than two friends. 658) If the auidence doesn't think the movie is over, it's probally not over; so watch your back. 662) Cancel any dinner arrangements you have made with the Sawyer family immediately! 663) Never ever ever take a date to a drive in movie. You and her will both be scicled to death later. 664) If you have a child whose head begins to spin around without the rest of their body, start drinking alot of Holy water. 666) Think of one person, and, only one person; yourself! 667) Avoid people wearing black mackintoshes, gloves, and large hats, especially in Europe, especially especially in Italy. 669) Uproot all funny-looking plants. 670) Refrain from voting for any politicians who favor budget cuts and/or work-release programs for insane asylums. 671) Avoid necrophilia at all times, even when the corpse is reanimated and clearly wants you in the worst way (so to speak). 672) If a man walks towards you in a stiff, staggering sort of fashion, do not assume that he is a cerebral palsy victim. Run.

673) Be prepared. Have the following on hand at all times: crucifix (best when worn at all times) portable sun lamp (in case of vampires) fully automatic Uzi 9mm with silverjacketed slugs seismograph (This will pick up the footsteps of any giant monsters approaching your city, and will permit you to flee early and avoid the rush.)

674) If you are a virgin REMAIN that way, virgins never die. 675) Do everything you possibly can to delay the continuation of the plot. The longer it takes for the monster to start killing people, the better. 676) If you say words such as 'dude', 'like', or 'total' multiple times each in every sentence you utter, you're most likely going to die. 677) If you find yourself saying something like "guys, this isn't funny" or "I know its you in there," you can bet you're in a horror movie. Furthermore, you can be pretty sure that you're wrong; your friends aren't playing a trick on you...its the killer/monster. 678) Appeal to the villian's ego and get him to explain his master plan to you, since you're "dead anyway." No one who hears the villian's secrets ever gets killed. 679) Aliens only abduct people who don't believe in aliens -- so BELIEVE. 680) Consider *being* the villain in a horror movie. If you do a decent job killing everyone, you may live for an indefinite number of sequels. Even if you die, there's a good chance you'll be coming back. 681) Churches and holy grounds just aren't safe places to be in a horror movie. Every demon from Pinhead to Pumpkinhead can usually just walk right in. 682) Never sleep or have sex in bunk beds or any other beds with enough room for a deformed killer to hide underneath. 683) Don't ever test a monsters killing abilities! 684) Believe that the woods will always be alive, and will therefore tear you limb from limb if you leave the cabin. Don't do it! 685) If your name is spelled with a i in place of a y you will be killed sooner or later. Best to do it yourself than waste the monsters time. This same rule applys to anyone who's name ends in a vowel. 686) Never stand or sit near a window. 688) If you are in any deserted place,like a camp,and there are old stories of murders, leave while you're heart is still beating. And if you here something strange, get your butt out of there quickly. 689) Never look back when you are running away from a killer because he will only be in front of you when you turn back around. 690) Even if you think that you can't stomach it, falling in love with the bad guy is probably better than the way they decide to kill you. 691) If your a Priest, keep your faith. You never know when your going to need to make something holy (water, stakes, be inventive). 692) Remember that serial killers are just like the "Energizer Bunny" as in they keep going and going and going and matter how many times you think you them ran over with the car!!!

694) If you are a girl and what you thought to be the monster was just the resident prankster trying to scare you, and then you think you see him trying to pull the same stunt a few seconds later, run. There is no doubt that it is now actually the real monster and your prankster buddy has allready been killed. 695) Never consume any part of a dead monster. It never helps. 697) If your mother was murdered recently, expect the killer to attack you. 699) If you and your friends killed a man with your car and dumped the body, expect a man in a robe with a hook to kill your freinds and attack you. Take a hint and run! 700) All horror movies with popular charecters have sequels,don't be tempted by checks with lots of zeros. Money is no good in hell. 701) On the outside chance that you just knocked down a mad killer who was chasing you, don't use this time to run away. I suggest going back and ripping out his eyes while he is down. If your killer is a male don't be to afraid to try and rip off his genitals. After he is in that pain try to bust his head open with a rock or some other hard, blunt object lying around. 702) If you are in a situation where you think you might be in a horror movie do something crazy that no horror movie would ever show. You might want to try putting your legs behind your head, smacking your ass, and yelling "Pork chops and applesauce" repeatedly. Even if a horror movie did show that, you can at least die knowing you were part of the most interesting horror movie ever. 703) If you're a black man in a horror movie, don't even think that you're going to make it out alive... 704) Enjoy being covered in cold sweat, dirt, blood, mucous, etc. If you try to take a shower, you will die. If you wash your face in the sink, you will see the killer's face in the mirror when you stand up...and then you wil die. Being dirty might be unpleasant but it's better than being dead. 705) If you ever get chased by A) Stranger with chainsaw B) Zombies C) Rabbied madmen with handy finger knifes, never ever go to the police as they will not believe you and will probably lock you up in a small cell with a window where the killer can enter. 706) Look before you leap. Otherwise you might land in something nasty like a pool of maggots or sharp wire. 707) If you hear the music of the Goblins, RUN! 708) If you see santa remember....." You better watch out, you better not cry", and you better not rent the sequels!!!! If you ignore the for-warned remember to fast forward through the first 45 minutes..... you've seen them before. 709) Always listen to the town crazy when he warns you of the curse or any other nasty story. 710) If your doctor informs you that you are suffering from a broken heart, and it has to come out, RUN!!! 711) If you are protecting a kid who has been marked as the son of Satan by a religous group.....Think. 712) If you are being chased by the monster, for crying out loud dont be stupid enough to stop at a pay phone and try and call someone for help! 713) Werewolves are NOT cuddly. 714) Never rely on your gun (no matter HOW many you have!) 715) In a chase scene, wearing high heels is a BAD idea! 716) Do NOT dig up cannisters with dead green guys in them. Even for a joke. 717) Disabled people usually die, unless they're the main character. 718) If you feel that there are two when there should only be one, do something about it.

719) If your name is Rosemary and your child is that of Satan...what the hell? Go along with it! 720) Beat the serial killer to the punch. See if YOU can be the one to be resurrected multiple times. 721) Lead a cult. This way, if you get killed, you'll most likely be resurrected by your faithful followers. 722) You know that big rift/well/portal/gate that just opened up in your back yard? Don't play in it. 723) Large metal/stone paperweights come in handy during the big showdown with the killer. 724) Being a twin is just asking for trouble. Try and be the good twin, but if it doesn't work out that way, live it up as the evil twin. Might as well have fun while you're attempting to bring about the reign of Your Father, whichever entity that might be (Satan, Yog-Sothoth, whatever). 725) If you find yourself in a strange location devoid of clothing and soaked in foreign blood, something's wrong. Seek help. 726) Severed heads do not make good bowling balls. 727) Never allow yourself to be in bad physical condition. 728) Never be in an isolated place. 729) If a the dead prom queen "wants" you, then agree and you'll have saved the lives of every body. 730) Never be the first or last person in a line, as the last person will be shot, stabbed, killed from behind, and the first person will be killed from the front. 731) Never hold a cenobite to his word. Especially if you've just bargained your way out of eternal pain and suffering. Odds are they're still going to tear your soul apart. 732) If one of your party gets bit by a vampire or zombie, kick his ass out the door, he's history. It will help the other survivors stay alive, including yourself, for your friend who got bit will come back from death to get you. 734) Beware of severed limbs. They will invariably try to strangle, bludgeon or impale you, or inject you with chemicals. 735) Remember, the boogeyman exists... even in real life... he always exists. He maybe your boyfriend, he maybe your neighbor, he maybe the mysterious homeless man in your town, he maybe that quiet kid at school, he maybe a brutal serial killer, he may have a presidential term, but remember, the boogeyman many different forms. After you kill the boogeyman, always remember that the title and or personna will be, unbeknownst to the inheriter, handed down. Watch out. 736) If you are driving down a dark mountain road, and a mysterious car pulls up next to you, and the mysterious driver (who you can't see) turns on the interior lights revealing a clown, and the clown smiles at you and stares you down, give that bastard the finger and speed off as fast and as far as you can, and don't stop until you reach civilization. 737) If you are fighting demons in an isolated mountain cabin, be sure your name is Ash. 738) If the camera (in a horror movie) focuses on YOU and YOU alone while you are trying to complete a task by yourself, you are going to die. 739) TIP FOR SLASHER MOVIE: If you see a sneaky man in a dark jumpsuit...RUN THE HELL AWAY! 740) No matter what they say; Fish DO hold grudges. 741) If your kid says 'Red Rum' repeatedly, then RUN! ( it's 'Murder' backwards) 743) Avoid taking "moderate" doses of Dramamine or Marezene to reduce motion sickness before your plane trip, and then react to the hallucinations by breaking the window (and releasing cabin pressure) to get the monster clinging on to the wing. 744) Be VERY careful what you wish for, and remember, don't take the pot of gold you greedy little bastard!

745) If you're in a horror movie, keep an eye on the time! The further into the movie you are, the more heavy and peculiar weapons you'll need to kill stuff. This is even more true for sequels, so if you happen to spot a "2", "3" or higher number at the pretitles, search immediately for complicated high-power electrical appliances, large machinery or a BFG. 746) Make friends with a puppet named Jester. 747) Don't let the paranoid army guy, who is suffering from cabin fever, carry the nuclear war-head. 748) If given a chance to join the bad guys, do it. It'll save a lot of trouble later. 749) If you ever go on a trip to your friends cabin, and discover a RED chainsaw then run. Do not run upstairs or out in the woods. Instead, just tell your friend your going for pizza, get in the car (which won't start at once, not until before your friend comes screaming out the door with the RED chainsaw) and drive off, maybe out of the state. But it must be a RED chainsaw, this means that your friend is a lunatic. If the chainsaw is for example yellow or brown it doesn't matter. 750) Stay away from RED objectes, such as RED chainsaw or RED clothings that are currently being possesed by ancient demons from the underearth. 751) Expose yourself to creepy crawlies early in life so when you find the decapitated body writhing with maggots, you don't scream and attract unwanted attention. 752) Nothing ever good has come after the following phrases have been said: Let's play. Now just calm down. Did you hear/feel/smell that? What could go wrong? I'll just be a minute. What's this? I've got a bad feeling about this. I don't see anything (Usually cut off by a blood curdling scream, or just cut off usually when the person head separates from his body) Give me a break! Your kidding right? This can't be happening! Ready or not, here I come. (If this phrase is said during a game of hide and seek... forget it. It is not part of the game you were originally playing)

753) Sure, hiding in that dark closet may have seemed like a good idea at the time, and hey, the killer/monster walked by you right? *BUZZ* Wrong! If you hear the foot steps stop or the beast walks out of the viewing range of that little crack you are staring out of... well, at least hope the monster chokes on you or you dull the blade of the ax weilding maniac. You don't want your death to only be significant in the book of stupidity. 754) Never go to sleep because when you do you dream and monsters can be in dreams. 755) Fog is not romantic. 756) If you are a woman , NEVER casually mention somethink like, "I have this horrible fear of water/asphyxiation/spiders/dead things/eyeballs". The villian will bring these up in abundance in your next dream sequence. 757) If you are a woman and in the last day your gay roommate has been grimmly murdered by a blonde British man , and a burly Irish man shows up from the 1600's , run like hell and phone the cops somewhere other than your home. 758) Don't be the rich kid who goes off to Rome right in the begining of the picture. Your head will almost certainly be mailed back home. 759) Never wear clothes that show your navel or too much cleavage. 760) When the villain has you cornered, sit down and busy your head in your hands. Within seconds your heroic boyfriend/girlfriend will magically appear to rescue you. 761) Never work out in the school gym anytime after 5 P.M. or on the weekends. 762) Try to refrain from being the oddball. You will probably be killed in a strange , nearly comical manner. 763) Don't collect dolls, knives, Nazi memorobilia, diaries of dead people or mirrors.

764) Move out of your house if you own a garbage disposal, jacuzzi ,heavy grandfather clock ,or a bunch of stuff in the attic that the last owners left behind. 765) If you had a bad childhood (especially at home), kill yourself now. It's a lot better than dying via the tortures your parents put upon you. 766) Don't bother running away from that tall, pale dude with the pins sticking out of his head. The farther you run, the worse your encounter with him will be. 767) Jobs to avoid: Video store clerk, Minister, day-care worker, janitor, pet store owner , garbage man (people put bad things in their garbage), taxidermiest, or anything that deals with large masses of small children. 768) If that guy from L.A. Law shows up in your town, understand that he is no longer retarded! And under no circumstances should you open your mouth when he tells you to if you have the option of kicking him down the stairs. 769) That cute blonde guy who just showed up at your fashion show to take a Runic stone is NOT the right guy to follow to the top of a building. 770) Don't pursue a career in modeling , prostitution , or acting. 771) If you have something the bad guy wants and you aren't the main character, give it to him immediately. You will die quicker than, say, being hacked to pieces with a dull axe. 772) The bad guy is never who you think it is. 773) If you go to a ballet camp in England and the first thing you see when you get there is a hanged body in a tree, go back home to Yankeeville. 774) If you're an actress and having weird experiences relating to that cheese-faced, weed-whacker handed killer you defeated in all your movies, try hanging out with the guy who played him in the films. He's safe because the bad guy can't kill him without killing himself. 775) When you hear on the radio that some mad scientist managed to make flying Pirahna and they've escaped the lab , now is not the time to have a pool party. 776) If a big shark just killed your family , don't try to fly to the Bahamas because somehow the shark is going to swim faster than the plane can fly and end up waiting for you when you land. 777) If you're Native American and the film has ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING TO DO WITH DEAD ANIMALS, you're garanteed to end up impaled. 778) If all the machines in your town are going insane , now is probably NOT the best time to get a soda from the soda machine/see what household item do and do not microwave/wash or dry any clothing/fix the TV. 779) If a big hole appears in your backyard , don't bury Fido in it just minutes before enacting a Satanic ritual. 780) If you go to a town in Maine which apparently doesn't exist in order to find a missing author whose books make people go homicidal, and your Hotel of choice comes complete with an old lady who keeps her husband handcuffed to her ankle, leave well enough alone and go home. 781) That guy who you think is there to save you is only there to block your other exit. 782) When running through the forest/mudslide/ravine/gravel road, try to avoid wearing six inch stilletto heals. 783) Never make fun of a geek or nerd at school. They will just go psycho and start killing everybody who ever humiliated him. 784) Never make fun of a geek or nerd at school. They will just go psycho and start killing everybody who ever humiliated him.

786) Slasher killers (Jason, Micheal, etc) always attack during some holiday (Halloween, christmas, New Years, Valentines day, Graduation Day, etc). 787) Places to avoid: Haddonfield, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Amity Island, Amityville, Michegan, Texas, Maine, England, Elm Street, High School, Mines, The Natural History Museum, Chichago Sewers, and Sleepaway Camp. 788) If you are a hunter kiss your butt goodbye because you will always die. 789) Bullets don't work. 790) Computer defense systems always fail. 791) If small animated puppets try to attack you , tell them their names and offer to shake their hand. They'll be too happy to kill you. 792) Leave your absusive, alcoholic husband BEFORE he tells you he's the new caretaker to a bit hotel and your son starts chanting "Redrum" in a weird voice. 793) NEVER look under the bed, but always check under there somehow. I recommend sawing off the legs and letting the thing come crashing down upon the monster. 794) If this morning your house was occupied by dead spirits and your daughter disappeared into the walls , now is not the time to color your hair. 795) Always carry clever, pocket-sized weapons in your jeans (Hand-held mirror, X-Acto knife, sealed vials of acid , etc...) 796) Don't tell the villain, "I want to know your pain." That's just asking for it right in the face. 797) No matter how many times you run over something with your car it will not die. 798) Children should not play with dead things. 799) Children do not die in horror movies as a rule but if you are one avoid swimming in any body of water (Piranha, Jaws, The Dark Age, Alligator, etc..). Monsters eat kids in the water. 801) Be aware where the chainsaw is kept, it may save your life. 802) Holy weapons only work against Vampires, do not try it against Cenobites. 803) If there is a rash of child murders and your daughter is acting a little wierd it is her! 807) If you enter a dark house and find your best friends in the upstair bedroom slashed to pieces, do not scream and back into a corner next to pitch dark room. 808) When hiking do not whine and carry on and act like a wimp. This will only attract birds that come and kill you for no appearent reason. 811) Do not talk about a dream you had in which it rained blood. 813) Dolls are evil. Destroy one if you see one. 815) Cars from the 1950s are no good. If your friend refuses to part with his kill him. 819) If your house is nicknamed HELLHOUSE, move away. 821) Remember to wear 3-D glasses to bed. 823) If a young girl is afraid of "water things" at camp, do not take part in the regatta. 824) Do not drive a car with an almost dead battery to a secluded farm for repairs.

825) If you're female, and nothing has happened to you yet, and you feel you're in danger of the monster getting you next, ignore the first sound you hear. It's never the monster. It's the phone, doorbell, cat down the street, or something just as inocuous. 832) If an old, bald man, with a goatee and a trenchcoat comes to your town saying "The evil is coming" and it is almost october 31, move away fast. 836) If you find yourself in a boxing match with Jason Voorhees and your punches seam ineffective NEVER tell him to try his best shot or he will be slam dunking your head in a trash can. 837) Never handcuff yourself to heavy machinery in protest of the destruction of the natural surrounding environment if there have been reports of a "wildcat" in the area. If you do and you see something greenish walking towards you do not think that it is an "alien brother". Calling it that will result in your face being bitten off. 839) If you are at camp and are having a paint ball gun war do not shoot at a burly man walking slowly towards you. Run like hell or you will get your arm ripped off. 847) If you have a twin, kill it. They are usuallyt evil. 851) Never, ever, ever walk backwards, and I mean Never! 852) If some one is looking behind you with fear and dread dont look to see what it is. 854) If you see Elvira, Fangora, or Vamperella then its just a goof so don't worry to much. 856) If you have the choice between a flashlight and a weapon, taking the frickin weapon! 857) Don't fall asleep in the bathtub, you could drown! (or be drowned) 858) Always try and stay in the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously low-lit corners, UNLESS there's a peculiar design on the floor or there's a chandalier. Both spell death for you. 859) Never try the first thing that comes to mind. Since you're in a horror movie, it'll most likely be and extremely stupid idea. Instead, try the second or third thing that comes to mind. 860) The less complicated your weapon is, the greater your chances of success. 864) If you hit the monster/beast with your best shot (usualy right or left hook) and all the thing does is turn about and give you an evil grin, this is NOT a good sign!! Don't just stand there staring from your fist to the place where you hit the creature looking panicked, run! Don't even bother trying to hit the thing again, the most you would accomplish is bruising your knuckles. 865) If, in your daily routine of eating woodland creatures and foraging for food, you should happen to realize that you're actually a twisted freak of nature that has no place in human society, congratulations, you're the monster! Now, go find some campers, and make sure you kill 'em good so you'll have some sequels. 869) If you hear a noise in a dark place, do not investigate. 870) A good motive is hard to come by, so asking "why'd you do it?" will probably increase your chances of dying! 872) If the living dead are outside and the windows are boarded up don't go near them. No matter how well boarded the windows are a dead hand is almost sure to grab you. 874) If a body part becomes possesed or bitten by a zombie cut it off!Chances are you will survive and or replace it with some kind ofweapon. 880) If you have a shot gun that is empty and the monster is coming at you load once and fire. If it has no effect run , more bullets will do no good. So please, do not keep on loading as the monster shambles towards you, fire! 881) No matter what they say; or what they do; Alien's ain't friendly. E.T. was a fluke--a freak accident. He is now shunned on his home planet.

883) When it's Valentine's day, that sweet, poetic ex of yours with those nice homicidal tendancy's you liked so much (even though you still dumped him for a football player) might tend to get a little overly stressed, and you know what happens then. My advice to you is to break up with the football player; he's a dumb, soon-to-be-dead-jock anyway. Welcome your ex with open arms, he might help you with that guy who keeps hitting on you. 884) Spiders, giant or otherwise, should not be referred to as "Bugs" or "insects". This mistake has been made countless times in horror movies and should be corrected in the future. 885) Dont tinkle on the dead alien. Its not dead, and saying itll be "pissed" is an understatement. 886) If youre a pump jockey, and this almost dead guy crashes his car into your pumps, babbling about how he "didnt get out in time", take this to heart and kill yourself. No sense lingering and dying from whatever foul disease he just gave you. 887) Rich people really ARE different. Kill them before they eat you. 888) Never asssume that if the monster/killer is stuck in a deep well or a hole that it cannot get out. Usually it can crawl straight up the sides, jump out, or dig out. If a monster is down a well, just start dropping bombs down it. 889) If there are reports of a giant alligator in the area, now is NOT the time to have a wedding. It will of course show up and eat the bride and knock people into the cake. 890) If your dead friend comes back from the grave and tells you that you will become a werewolf, believe him and kill yourself. 891) If you find yourself all alone in a subway tunnel at night never assume that the strang "howling" you hear is a prank. Run and get out of there! Werewolves do not care if you threaten to notify the police, they will just tear you apart. 893) If a man with pointed teeth asks you to invite him into your house, DON'T! 894) If some guy who looks half dead comes up looking for something called the Bloodstone, you have, for the love of god, better give it to him and run like hell. 895) If your girlfriend dies, don't try to revive her with modern software. 896) If someone is running at you with a sharp object in hand, don't stop to think what will happen next. RUN!!! 897) Don't die! 898) Avoid running through forests when a certain hockey mask-wearing killer is chasing you. Chances are he knows the forest better than you. 899) Never open any box, coffin, crate, or anything that has been chained, nailed, welded, or wax sealed shut especially if it's been well hidden for a long time. 900) In general, since only one or two people ever make it out alive, if you think you've killed the monster and you look around and see more than a couple of folks...START WORRYING 902) Whatever you do, DON'T stand next to any doors or windows. Don't open any doors to outside either because the badguy will be there. If you do, you deserve to die for being that stupid. 903) Never slap around or make fun of a doll because it is possesed by an evil spirit and it will come to life and kill you. 905) If someone starts arguing whatever solution you come up with, get rid of them ASAP. They're likely to try and steal your girl, push youinto the pit or not open the door when you need IN!. Shoot the bastard, no excuses, as soon as you get a good chance to it. 906) If the rest of the house is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming from the only room whose light switch doesn't work... think about it. Don't take it as a circut breaker slip, and get the heck out of there. 907) A smile is a beautiful thing, but remember, if it is on the twisted lips of a homicidal killer, it is not a good sign.

909) If you are planning on staying at a hotel for the winter take along a snowcat manual and a gun (hidden from your spouse of course). 910) If you ever hear any howling, even if it does sound normal, DO NOT assume it is someone's dog!!! 911) If you plan a surprise party for a guy that never shows up at a lake where many murders have occured before, get out without asking any questions. 913) If you accidentally kill the last surviving cast member with an axe, thinking he/she was the monster, get over it and get the axe'll need it later. 914) If you have a weapon, only use it if the monster isn't expecting it. Otherwise the monster will just rip it out of your hands and bludgeon you with it. 915) If your being chased by zombies, get in a room and lock the door, they're to stupid to turn the handle. Trust me, I got this tip from Resident Evil. 916) Pins in the head is by all means NOT a strange acne condition. 917) Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the followingstructural imperfections 1.Doors or paper thins walls that can be broken down easily by shambling corpses. 2.Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy crawlies to ooze freely into.3.Creeking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.4.Whispering walls. (In case you did not know, this is not normal. Ignore the stupid realtor).5.Excess closets or other alcoves that creatures can skulk behind and avoid bullets. As a side note, if you insist on having a basement or attic, make sure nothing has died in either room before you moved in. Also order doors that open selectively and are made of some sort of indistructable acid-proof material--build them so that nothingcan hide behind the stairs or anything! 918) Have you ever heard of the tip "Never take an elevator in an emergency"? Well, consider your options well in ANY means of inner-building transportation in a horror movie. For elevators: Never go in an elevator without a main character, and NO MORE than one. The occupancy should never exceed more than one panicked person. Be prepared to brace yourself to meet the ground in a uncomfortable manner if alone. If a computer is after you, avoid the elevator entirely. Never sigh in relief once you are onboard, this is like a siren saying "Here I am! Here I am! Kill me!!" Glass elevators are never a good mode of transportation. For escalators: Never wear any loose clothing that can be caught in the moving metal stairs, or be prepaired to know what it is like to go through an electronic food processor. Go up the easiest route, not against where the stairs are going. For stairs: Take a few aerobics classes if climbing a tall bulding... there is no use having a heart attack and seeing the monster looming over you before you die. Oh, and close the door leading off of the stair well quietly so that it won't tell the villian where you went! General rules: The weight capacity signs should usually be followed. Green slime dripping down the walls of anything do not indicate it is safe to enter. 919) If you are looking for something bigger than a bread basket... don't look in the bread basket. Oh, and if the object you are looking for is small enough to fit in a bread basket, let's face it... you're doomed. But if you still insist on looking look before you poke your hand into the inviting darkness. But, if the last gesture involves shoving your face into a small dark crevace... think about it. 920) When running from a killer, monster, alien, etc... always hide behind a metal door. Most monsters can break down wooden doors. If no such door is around, RUN LIKE HELL and don't look back. I don't care if your girlfriend is back there she can be replaced. 922) When a little dude dressed in green says he wants his gold you better give it to him. 923) There's no good reason to move to, or even visit, any small town in Maine. 924) If strange things have been happening to you, DON'T stop and get something to eat. It will invariably be poisioned or turn into something wriggly. And drinking out of the carton is just asking for it. 925) Never bury a person in Pet Semetary.

926) Transvestites are not more feminen, in fact in the movies they are horrific killers. If you see a manish women you better believe it is a man and a psycho. 927) After summoning the demons, do not go into the forest. The tree is on their side and will dismember/fall on/have charnal relations with you (Ow! splinters!) 929) NEVER trust the strange, odd-looking old man named Visser 3 that converts from human to andalite. You're head will roll two days after you join him. 930) If you hate somebody because of his "classic" 1957 car don't smash it and don't go near or threatan him, it could get ugly. 932) Check your nanny's references before you let her near your kid. 933) When you get in your car, always check the back seat before you take off. 934) If you really have to visit the cemetary for whatever reason, at least wait until it's light out. 935) Skip your prom. 936) Tell your wive/girlfriend everything at the beginning of your troubles; it will save time later and you'll probably be out of breath by that point. 937) Get a fly swatter and kill all of the insects in your house BEFORE using the teleportation pods. 938) If the trees feeder roots are out of the ground, just leave. Trust me, the methyl mercury did more than just mutate them. 939) Squirt all walking plants with a combination of sea water and Roundup. 940) Do not keep venus fly traps on/near nuclear research facilities. 941) Under no circumstances allow yourself to be dragged up a tall tree surrounded with rocks by the monster.. 943) Be superstitious... be VERY superstitious. It gives you at least a fifty-fiftychance of surviving the movie. 947) Always pay close attention to the dying words of any Scientist, military heavy-weight, or person responsible for creating the monster -- it is at this time only that they will divulge the vital clue for stopping the evil. 948) You will never be attacked by the monster when you are cradling someone during their dying moments. This is especially true when the person was voilently savaged by the monster. 949) Large corporations or research institutes are NEVER to be trusted. They will put profit above your safety and the safety of all mankind in order to use the vicious, mutated monster as a weapon. (This, in spite of the fact that the beast has already cost them billions in men and materials during it's escape from the super-secret laboritory hidden away at the edge of town.) With their unlimited resources, they are able to hire vast private armies of security personel, apparently straight out of the nations orphanages, since there are never any grieving relatives to morn them or file wrongful death lawsuits when they are slaughtered by the hundreds during the course of the film, either by the monster or by the hero while breaking into the complex.) Corporations are also able to mount vast cover-ups which only the hero is able to penetrate. 952) Don't tell Jason or Freddy to "Bring it on"!!!! 955) Never ever pee in the woods. Just hold it in, a little bladder damage never hurt anyone. 959) If you're the first person to be seen in the movie. Expect to die. Sorry. 960) If a jerk starts harassing you on the phone. Hang up. Star 69 is there for a reason. Use it, call the police, and get your rifle out of the basement.

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